Soldier
by MorbidPet17
Summary: The sequel to My Own Army. How Amanda deals with events that took place two years ago when her world once again starts to slowly deteriorate. Will the squad be able to keep her from going down the rabbit hole?
1. Chapter 1: Infantry

So here it finally is, the sequel to My Own Army. I'll do an attempt to sum everything up below just to catch you all up and for those of you who haven't read MOA. The sequel starts two years after Amanda stepped back in to the squad room. Important to know for newcomers are that Amanda does not have a gambling addiction in this fic, and Lewis never happen so Liv's in a good place.

Know that English isn't my first language, I suck at grammar. I have a tendency to write long chapters, this story is however made for cliffhangers so those evil little things might end chapters abruptly, just sayin. I have the story pretty much mapped out from start to finish but feel free to get in touch with me if you have requests or something that you like to see happen.  
My aim is to update every week, hopefully I'll be able to stick to that.  
This first chapter jumps a little back and forth when it comes to whose perspective we're following but I hope it's not too confusing.

I still don't own any of the characters, all rights belongs to master &amp; commander Dick Wolf/NBC.

Those of you who have read me before know I always have theme songs for my fics. The theme song for this fic is in Swedish though, a rap song which is so not my usual genre but since it's called **Din Soldat** (Your Soldier) and with a chorus that's just brilliantly sung by the über cool **Kristina Amparo** (song written by **Albin** though) it just fits this fic perfectly. This is my rough translation of the chorus;

_I've seen how that shit tears you down. I'll fight for you and be there for you. When you crash next time I will lift you up, let me be your soldier!_

It works perfectly to sing with a potent and somewhat angry voice &amp; is probably why I love it so much.  
Some chapters are inspired by/with other songs though and in some cases the lyrics will start or finish the chapters off. All to set the mood.

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_Okay, recap time. How do I recap close to 500,000 words? Here's my go at it;_

Amanda's sister Kim is found dead in NY, she's fallen out of a window. Grief-stricken Amanda refuse to believe it was simply an accident and she starts to dig around on her own. She's soon on the trail of a serial killer named the Mayhem choker. A religious nut that wants to save promiscuous women and for them to accept him as their savior before he strangles them, believing that he's making them into the angels they were born to be.

Kim hadn't been the intended target but the woman she was staying with – Cassie, a blonde, blue-eyed sex worker. Amanda fails to keep Cassie safe and Cassie is captured and later killed by Mayhem. Amanda goes deep undercover, leaving everything behind, her job, squad, car, apartment.

The SVU squad goes after her, taking them all the way down to Atlanta to search for her but all they find there are details of Amanda's harsh childhood and a nasty run-in with the APD deputy chief that forced her to transfer out. Liv &amp; Nick meet Amanda's mom, Emily, and they learn of a very abusive past. Emily has put her daughters, especially Amanda, through hell. They also learn her father died, he was shot and it was Amanda who found the body.

Amanda is missing for weeks but then they get a lead through Brian Cassidy, who at the time still worked for Ganzel and spots Amanda at one of his parties. That leads the squad to a strip club named Bare Assets. They find her a little too late though. When Fin &amp; Nick pays for a private with her in the champagne room she's already started to sell herself for money, all to fit the profile of Mayhem's victims. One of the co-owners of Bare Assets is a really bad man named Gordon Goodwin, he runs some shady businesses which Amanda gets involved with.

She later moves into one of Gordon's complexes where she's expected to take on clients privately, all to try and shake her squad off and also since she's learnt one of Mayhem's previous victims lived there and she's now desperate for Mayhem to target her. Gordon has a reputation of breaking his girls in and Amanda is no exception. She's collected evidence on Mayhem and does so with Gordon as well as some other shady people she comes across. Mayhems MO is to scare his victims before he kidnaps them, he wants them to need him, to feel like he's saving them, and he sets Amanda up to be raped by another man in one of Gordon's establishments.

Meanwhile the squad has tried to work with Amanda, tried to get her to come back in, set up a undercover operation but Amanda feels like she's gone too far, been through too much, to ever go back to normalcy. She's dating the bartender at Assets (Scott), turning tricks, stripping, doing drugs to get through the day. And then it's too late as Mayhem manages to grab her.

Amanda has made a friend at the strip club, Sierra, and she's holding a bag for Amanda that Fin later gets his hands on. With the evidence Amanda has collected they manage to catch Mayhem. His name is Simon Ferguson and he's been on a killing spree since the 70s, his older, blonde &amp; blue-eyed, sister being his very first victim. Amanda is nowhere to be found though but thanks to Nick being able to follow up on Amanda's links between Mayhem and the book Dante's inferno they finally find the location she's been held at. When they find her she's barely alive, having been tormented for several days and with severe injuries.

She breaks out of the hospital sooner than desired though, thankfully Fin finds her outside his apartment and brings her in. She doesn't get much time to heal as Mayhem, Simon, isn't talking and Amanda needs to find out what happened to her sister. Simon agrees to tell Amanda everything with the small predicament that she answers some of his questions as well. She's forced to tell some very private details about herself, and with her squad listening in on the other side of the glass.

During her time undercover Amanda has been using an old alias from APD and we later learn this name is actually taken from her own past. At fourteen she seduces and engages in a sexual relationship with her mom's boyfriend Danny. He's the one that during sex or late at night keeps calling her Shay and she's dreamed up this identity for who Shay really is and it's a person Amanda wouldn't mind being.

Simon is charged with multiple accounts of murder but found not competent to stand trial. He's hospitalized and Amanda never has to testify. Meanwhile Gordon has been missing, his businesses brought down though but Gordon never gets sentenced since he's found killed, Russian mob style, a few months later.

Amanda has been staying with Fin, it seems almost impossible that she could ever go back to work but Cragen as well as the rest of the squad fights to get her back and with some counseling with Dr Olivet she's able to step back in to the squad room.

*phew* A little too long but oh well, now on to the sequel…

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**Soldier**

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**Chapter 1: Infantry**

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Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. ~ unknown

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Two years had passed since detective Amanda Rollins sat back down at her desk in the SVU squad room. Two years of just putting one foot in front of the other to get as far away from the ordeal as possible. Some days she felt as she would be able to, some days not. What had transpired popped up in the back of her mind ever so often, unwelcomed, vivid flashbacks from low points, humiliation and pain.

Most often she was able to keep the physical reactions from the flashbacks hidden from the people around her but sometimes she knew they picked up on them. She was after all working with detectives. Having covered up emotions and traumatic events her entire life though she thought she did a pretty good job of covering most times. The one thing she couldn't hide though was the loss of her sister and the devastating grief she felt of not having her in her life any longer.

She missed her sister every second of every passing day. It never eased. It never passed. She wasn't sure she wanted it to pass. Her sister had brought heartache and turmoil to her life but she had always been her constant, the one person in this harsh life she loved more than life itself. That's why when Kim had died she felt no desire or will to go on without her. Amanda hadn't planned to come out of it alive.

Her plan had been to follow her sister to whatever place you went to once you passed. If that was hell Amanda didn't care, life was a constant hell and the only way to endure it was with her sister. They'd already been in hell together and Kim had been the one thing, the one person, who made that endurable and the most important reason to go on in this dark and hostile place called life.

So after her sister passed Amanda needed to find her killer. She would do whatever it took to catch whoever had hurt her sister. She hadn't been thinking clearly, she knew that but all that had been important was to make someone pay and while doing it ending her own life in one way or another. That's why she hadn't reflected much once the spiral turned downward quickly. There had been some doubt and some serious moral boundaries to overcome but she'd never lost focus. She was sacrificing herself to catch a killer, to avenge her sister.

Never had she thought she would catch a psycho serial killer that had taunted police in three states since the 70s. And never had she thought she would survive.

She'd spent four days mostly shackled to the roof or to a table in a cold bunker room with a man who thought he had the right to execute punishment and sentence lost souls to death in the name of the Lord. She'd known she would die, she'd accepted that and endured through the pain as long as she was physically and mentally able to. She'd been a little afraid the evidence she'd collected during her time away from the squad wouldn't reach them, that it wouldn't be sufficient to catch him or the other lowlifes she'd come across during her mission. But she'd held on to the hope her squad would get them all. Her death and her sister's death wouldn't be for nothing.

It had been hard to hold on to that hope and to sanity once she was alone in that dark room. She had no idea her squad had arrested her captive and the notorious serial killer. Moments passed when she actually wished he would come back, that she'd take any punishment from his hands or his whip just for his company. The dark got to her, the dark had always gotten to her. She saw things in that dark that made her wish she was dead already. She'd surrendered to that complete darkness when her squad broke through that door and came to her rescue.

During the weeks that followed there were times when she wished she'd died down there. Her injuries were severe, she could take the pain but facing them, actually seeing them was awful. Most of her injures she could avoid by simply avoiding any mirrors but the hands were a constant reminder. The scars healed slowly and the loss of function disturbed her. Facing off with Simon in an interrogation that lasted five days while feeling weak and raw was probably the most difficult thing she'd ever done. But she'd gotten to the truth, she'd found out how her sister died. And then she'd pulled a gun on him, determined to finish him off before she took her own life.

Again her squad had come to her aid, stepping in between her and Simon and then talking her out of killing herself once she'd pointed the gun at her own head. They had to save her again a couple of weeks later once the trauma of the events again took her to the brinks of death. She just saw no reason to live. She'd humiliated herself, let herself get used and abused and done things that broke all her boundaries. She was wrecked.

Somehow though she managed to swallow the humiliation she'd felt for everything she put them through and she felt humbled by the fact they hadn't given up on her many months ago. She accepted their help and slowly but steadily made her way back to the land of living.

It had been a long and hard road, with physiotherapy and overcoming survival guilt and a lot of shame, but it had been made easier with her squad backing her the entire way until she could finally take her place behind her desk again. She had no idea how to ever pay them back but she hoped by doing her job and being a good squad member it would slowly weight up some of the burden she'd imposed on them.

**Although she felt stuck** in the same place, constantly struggling, some things had changed over the past two years. Sergeant Munch had left the department soon after Rollins walked back in. He'd told her he'd been waiting for her to return so she could weigh up his absence. Cragen had left a couple of months later, leaving the entire squad in the hands of the newly appointed sergeant Benson. It had been a bit of a hard transition with everyone needing time to adjust to the changes.

It had been a whole new role for Liv, one she was ready for but she couldn't lie, it was hard and especially the responsibility of her staff. Liv had tried to hold on to the close bond she'd formed with Amanda after her ordeal but something changed immediately between them as Liv became her boss. Amanda had gotten more reserved almost instantly, like she could confine in an equal but not in a boss. Liv was still trying to get her to open up but it didn't help that she now was the one who had to keep tabs that Amanda made her therapy sessions and that she stayed on the right track.

Another change was that the squad had a new member. Detective Keith Winters had joined right before Cragen left. Keith was Nick's age, divorced with no kids and he'd worked his way up the NYPD and transferred from Brooklyn SVU. He was an all-American, good cop with his head screwed on well enough to fit in well with the squad. He often teamed up with Nick but at times worked with Fin too. Liv had deliberately kept him away from Rollins though, Liv couldn't really explain why but there was just a sense Amanda worked better with people she knew.

Rollins had changed since she came back. No one was surprised that the ordeal had altered who she was and, not to seem harsh, for most it was a good thing. She was more cautious these days, didn't rush into situations as quickly and not as pushy as before. They did miss the outspoken Amanda though, these days she questioned herself more and Liv often had to ask for her opinion instead of her just blurting it out like before. She still had an uncanny gift to think like the perpetrators but since her ordeal she'd also learnt to connect with the victims better. Again, it might sound harsh, but she'd become an even better detective since what happened, Liv of course wished it never happen but she admired Amanda for coming back from it and the brilliant detective she'd become. She tried to tell Amanda that often, to empower her, but it was hard to say it without making it sound like that horrendous ordeal was a blessing in disguise.

**So many things had changed** over the past two years but some things hadn't. Amanda, Fin and Nick still had their desks in the same spots. Amanda kept a photo of her and her sister in the bottom drawer. And Amanda was still living at Fin's. He had made sure she knew she was welcomed to stay as long as she wanted and that he liked her company. He didn't tell her though that it was also so he could keep an eye on her. He knew she struggled. He saw it every day at work, the only time she sometimes relaxed was back home, for a short minute in front of the TV or when they had a laugh and she forgot her sister was no longer dead.

For short moments it could be like before, they argued about which baseball team played the best game, fought about which restaurant to order take-out from when no one felt the urge to cook. They contemplated each other well when it came to domestics. Fin liked laundry while Amanda hated it, perhaps because she didn't like going down in the dark basement in the building. She on the other hand scrubbed the toilet and the kitchen with delight, she did the dishes and he did the drying, he had fun vacuuming while she changed the sheets often, which of course he had to laundry though.

She stayed mostly in Ken's room, Fin had helped her make it her own. She didn't mind Ken's basketball stuff but Fin had put some Atlanta touches in there. He'd surprised her with a painting they ran upon at an outdoor market last year. It was some field with big trees in a row, she'd said it was walnut trees and it reminded her of home so he'd sneaked back later to buy it for her. He'd been a little stunned by the tears in her eyes when he gave it to her. He could find her sitting on her bed just staring at the painting some times. It was a little weird to him but it seemed to calm her and there were other things that worried him more than her staring at walnuts.

He had to keep track of her eating properly. Along with the changes in her personality came a loss of appetite. He wasn't sure what that was about but she just didn't seem to enjoy food as much these days. He'd passed it by Liv one day and she'd said something about that it could be survivor guilt but Fin didn't get how grief and depriving yourself food were linked.

He needed to make sure she didn't overdo her running, he did that by trying to distract her with other activities like grabbing a beer or watching some game on TV. She made her therapy sessions fine without him reminding her. He kept a little tabs on her medication. She'd been on antidepressants since the ordeal. He wasn't sure what good they did though cause to him she seemed depressed. He knew it was a low dose though, something about her not wanting to get addicted like her mom.

She struggled with bad nightmares most nights and that's what had finally made Ken's bed her permanent night residence, she'd felt bad for waking him up constantly. He would hear her down the hall though, at times he hurried to her side to try and wake her up before whatever haunted her in her dream got to her. At times he only woke up once that loud shriek escaped her, and then he would lie there waiting to hear her tiptoeing past his room towards the bathroom and the sound of the shower getting turned on. Most nights he fell back to sleep listening to the disrupted rays of water and with images of her naked body getting soaked. She still turned him on but he knew he couldn't act on it. It had to be on her terms now.

He would wake up again as the scent of her reached him and the slight dip in the mattress as she climbed in. He stayed semi awake to see if it would be a night where she stayed on her side of his bed or if it was a night she needed to be held. If she sneaked closer to him he had to still wait to see if she wanted to be held or not or to just lie close. It was a straining waiting game almost constantly but never would he falter. The reward was worth it those nights when he got to feel her body against his own.

The smell of her newly washed body and those wet strands clinging to him as she wrapped herself around him. Her breath over his skin, her heart pumping close to his, his arms around her petite frame. He treasured those nights when they just held on to each other. He wanted more, to say that wasn't the case would be a lie. He wanted more but he wasn't sure it could ever be more.

They had tried. Tried to have sex. It wasn't really working. It had taken a long time before she got close to him like that again. He'd been her nurse for months, helping her shower, taking care of the scars all over her back, helping her with the physiotherapy for her hands. It was a weird kind of closeness for both of them, he could feel how uncommon she was to receive help, and he to offer it. He was only delighted to be the one she let help though, to everyone else she had to act tough but with him she could let her guard down at least a little.

Then she started sitting a little closer to him on the couch again. She'd let him wrap his arm around her shoulders, he felt her hand or foot search for his. Tiny steps towards some sort of normalcy between them. He'd known it been too soon though once her lips suddenly visited his. He'd enjoyed the familiar feel of her lips and to get to taste her again so he hadn't even tried to stop her even though he knew it wasn't a good idea. The moment had turned awkward quickly once she abruptly left his lips, breathing franticly with a glazed look in her eyes. He had tried to stop her from taking off but then let her retreat to her room where she stayed until the next morning.

It was like getting turned on scared her, like it was forbidden somehow.

The kissing kept happening every now and then, he figured it was her stubbornness that made her keep trying, maybe hoping that someday it would feel different. But it never got different. It could end one of two ways. Both ways were close to devastating every time but he preferred the times when she pulled away with that glazed look on her face.

He usually got swept away, did his best to keep his hands off her and let her be the one exploring while he tried to just enjoy the moment while it lasted. The times she suffered through it, lacking a better word for it but he saw suffering on her face each time. He tried taking it easy but at times he couldn't keep his hands off her after a while, hoping to help her along to that place he knew she wanted to reach but it failed each time. If she didn't pull away franticly he would feel her body tense up and when he broke away she laid like paralyzed until he could get through to her after urging her to take deep breaths. Once she finally was able to breathe her body broke out in uncontrollable tremors followed by tears and she pulled away shamefully. Usually it took her a while to get function back in her legs which made her unable to withdraw from him making the situation even worse as he could tell just how mortified she felt. It didn't help that he tried to tell her it was okay, that she had nothing to feel embarrassed about. She always shielded her face, most times she cried uncontrollable, sometimes she screamed at him until he pulled away.

They never talked about it afterwards. It was like something secret and unmentionable, something forbidden. It pained him but yet he couldn't resist her, couldn't stop hoping it would one day work, that they would find their way back to what they had or maybe even something more. They were after all already living together, at times he toyed with the thought they might be meant to be more than partners with benefits. But then reality hit and he realized there was a good chance she would never be herself again. That parts of the Amanda he knew was still trapped in a cold, dark bunker.

**Amanda did her best **not to think or feel too much. She focused totally on work. The time between shifts she tried to make bearable best way she could. Fin was her anchor, the one person she trusted completely. She did trust Liv and Nick but she felt like a freak around them. Fin never made her feel like a freak, not even when she deserved to be treated like one.

She knew she acted weird at times. She zoomed off when memories of her sister overwhelmed her, thankfully that mostly happened off the clock. She couldn't control the nightmares and she hated going to sleep each night since she knew 8 times of 10 she would be back down there in that dark bunker. Simon was down there with her, at times it was her mother holding that whip instead of him.

Getting awoken by Fin and saved from that dark bunker made her feel like a burden. Him having to remind her to eat or to not exaggerate her exercise made her feel like a burden. She knew he didn't think of her like that, she at least hoped he didn't. But she saw the toll it took on him. The toll of taking care of her. She did her best to do that on her own, she tried really hard but she knew she couldn't fool him. He saw how much effort it took for her to keep up the act that everything was okay, that she was getting by alright. She wanted to reward him somehow.

She tried to do that the only way she knew how, the one way she'd been good at. She wanted desperately to find her way back to that place they'd been at, not just for his sake but for her own as well. She wanted that closeness, the intimacy and that relief that only pleasure could bring. But then something inside her happened, something that felt like dying, and she knew very well how that felt, it was painful. And then she was back to acting like a freak and in front of him of all people. The reward turned to a punishment instead. For both of them. The pain in his eyes, the pain she felt inside as she failed them both. Life was a constant struggle these days and that's why she tried to neither think nor feel too much.

**Neither one of them** were morning people so their morning rituals were usually quiet and went on routine. Whoever woke up first fixed coffee and then whoever got out of the shower first poured it for themselves and the other one. They worked well together like that. This morning she was first out and she handed him his mug as he walked out into the kitchen. She didn't anticipate either a smile or a thanks and didn't even register the pat he gave her arm.

He'd notice that she wore yet another one of her long sleeved shirts even though the weather news warned for yet another day of humidity. The entire summer and now early fall had been crazy hot but Amanda had still worn her long sleeves. He knew her scars bothered her. The stigmata marks on her hands were hard to hide and once in a while the impact they had reminded them all of what she'd been through. Like when she dropped a fork at lunch or her pen slipped out of her still weak grip. She always tried to cover up quickly but he saw the brief moment of defeat on her face.

It had taken her a few months to work up the strength in her hands and the fact she couldn't rely on her trigger finger had kept her at her desk for two frustrating months until she finally was able to pass her gun test using her left hand instead. She had worried her squad didn't trust her to have their back but worked really hard to prove they could rely on her. He'd been the link between her and the rest of the squad when she wasn't strong enough to face them by herself, he made sure everyone felt safe and secure with each other.

Amanda refilled her mug and then they took off towards the station. He let her drive today as many other mornings since she usually was more alert early mornings. Only problem with her driving was that she got to choose radio station and he had to suffer through some singer songwriter tunes. But seeing her hum along with a slight smile on her face as she maneuvered through the early morning traffic rush made it all worthwhile.

"You want to make a stop?" she asked at the next traffic light.  
"Yeah, I'm starving," he mumbled. She made a stop at the curb by one of the food trucks they frequently visited and he jumped out.

"Whole grain with or without egg?" he asked her through the open window as he shoved the door closed.  
"I'm not really hungry," she answered.  
"With or without egg?" he repeated giving her one of his stern looks.  
"Without," she sighed and then watched him walk up to the truck.

She tapped the wheel a little along with the music as she let her eyes wander across the street. Her eyes got caught on two ladies of the night walking down the street probably going back home after a night with a trick or two. She froze and sat up a little as she tried to focus her eyes on the dark skinned one. It looked like Sierra, the one person she'd relied on while under as Shay. Amanda was about to open her door and get out when the woman turned her head fully in the direction towards the car and Amanda realized it wasn't Sierra.

Amanda felt a bit torn, she both wanted it to have been Sierra and not. She hadn't spoken to Sierra in 4 months now. Fin didn't know but she'd kept in contact with her. She'd been on her mind as she recovered and then when Gordon turned up dead, with cement feet in Delaware River, it had rattled her. She'd felt a need to connect with the one person she knew could relate and she'd called Sierra. She'd seemed fine, her old spunky self and it almost felt as no time had passed since they last spoke.

Gordon's demise had of course reached the girls at the club. Sierra had been forced to take other work outside Assets once Gordon's side business vanished with him. She was after all used to a glamorous lifestyle as she herself put it. It sounded like she had it rough for a while but now everything was starting to settle again. She'd sent Fin over to her at the club with some money, money she borrowed but since then had paid him back. He of course said she didn't have to but it was important to her, she wanted to help Sierra out. She just hoped she hadn't used the money for drugs, something Fin had said was a high probability though.

After that she'd called her up every other month or so just to check in and small talk. She couldn't explain it but she still felt close with Shay and Sierra made it easy to ease back in to that personality. Sierra thought Shay was hooked up with her sugar daddy these days, her sugar daddy being Fin. Amanda had let her think what she wanted and always answered her questions evasively. Her purpose for calling was only to check in on Sierra, to make sure she was doing okay and maybe just pretend that for the duration of the call life was as carefree as she could pretend while being Shay.

But 4 months ago another girl had started answering Sierra's phone. The other girl said she was a roommate and that Sierra was okay but Amanda got a sense not everything was okay. She wasn't reported missing or dead at least and she hadn't been picked up by the police this last year, Amanda had checked. Amanda had toyed with the thought of stopping by Assets but she'd managed to talk herself out of it. Maybe Sierra just didn't want to talk to her any longer and she had to accept that.

"Okay, let's go," Fin said jumping in to the car, tossing her plastic wrapped sandwich over to her. Amanda got startled and failed to keep the sandwich on her lap.

"You okay?" Fin asked noticing her slightly odd reaction. Amanda nodded, bringing the sandwich back up in her lap.  
"Sure?" he asked since he wasn't convinced. She looked pale and like she'd been on her way out of the car. He was a little afraid she'd gotten one of her panic attacks. The ones brought on suddenly by something to him unknown and that she tried to downplay but he knew was real and terrifying for her.

"Yeah, let's go," she said starting the car back up.

They were working a rather straight forward case with a known perpetrator right now. The victim was a fifteen year old girl though and it had struck Amanda a little too close to home. The perpetrator had been the mother's boyfriend and the girl, Hailey Specter, had persisted it was consensual for a long time and just didn't want to hear that what he'd done was illegal. She said he loved her and it had taken a long time for the detectives to break through.

Liv and Amanda had mostly handled the young girl and Amanda had been the one that finally reached her and slowly she'd started to tell them what exactly had happened between the two. The charges had upped once they had the complete picture. The girl's mother was nothing like Amanda's own when it came to abuse or any addiction but there were similarities with the way both moms seemed to pretend they didn't know what was going on.

Liv knew about Amanda's past, how she'd lost her virginity at age 14 to one of her mom's boyfriends. She knew this thanks to that ridiculous deal that the Mayhem choker set up and that forced Amanda to answer his incisive questions to get the answers that they needed to learn about all his victims including Amanda's own sister. Liv saw how this case affected Amanda but since she also knew that it was healing to help others she hoped this would have a good outcome for both the girl and Amanda. She kept a close eye on Amanda and was proud of her when she got the girl to open up. They managed to build a solid case that they handed over to Barba and Liv was hopeful it was a catharsis process for her detective.

Amanda did feel good about getting the girl to open up even though it was hard to listen to her statement. Until the boyfriend was locked up though she wouldn't feel completely at ease. They'd let him out on bond to all their dislike but also to Amanda's horror.

"Are you sure she's really safe?" Amanda asked Nick for a second time in a short period of time and she walked up to him feeling a need to look him in the eye when he answered. It wasn't that she distrusted him but she had to make sure that the girl was safe from her abuser and Liv had left Nick in charge of getting the mom and girl a safe place to stay until the trail started.

"I'm sure Rollins," Nick said trying to keep the slight annoyance he felt away from his voice. He got she was invested in the case and just wanted to keep the girl safe but he wished she'd trust him enough to have this handled.

"Maybe they should have someone sitting on them?" she said.  
"There's a car sitting on the creep," Keith said jumping in to help Nick out. He didn't get why Rollins was stressing so much over this one. Sure, they all wanted the girl safe but she was very keen about this particular girl.

"And like we haven't seen bad guys sneaking away from patrol cars…" Amanda said rolling her eyes slightly at Keith.

Liv had been watching them through her window. She wasn't sure what was being said but Amanda walking up to Nick's desk couldn't be a good sign and Liv thought about going out there.

"Would it really hurt… I mean NYPD can surely afford a car on them as well," Amanda tried.  
"I offered okay?" Nick said leaning back in his chair, "The mother declined, she felt safe he'd stay away."  
"_She_ felt safe?" Amanda questioned, "What about Hailey…"

Amanda suddenly stopped talking midsentence with her eyes somewhere above his head. Nick followed her eyes over to the gate.

"Mrs Rollins," Nick whispered a bit stunned seeing Amanda's mom standing there. He looked back at Amanda but since she seemed frozen Nick got up off his chair and walked over to her mom in her place.

"Mrs Rollins," Nick said again catching the older woman's attention.  
"Please, it's Emily," she said recognizing Nick from his visit to her home years ago.  
"Sorry. Emily. I just never learn," Nick smiled extending his hand towards her. She hesitated but then took it but let it go just as fast as she'd latched on.

"Come on in," he said guiding her further in with a light hand on her back. Emily looked a bit reserved, clinging on to her handbag very tight to her body. Her eyes darted around the squad room, throwing suspicious looks at the uniforms and detectives in the room. Nick's eyes had gone back to Amanda though. She seemed to have gotten her momentum back but looked a little overwhelmed, her face pale and she even took a step back as they approached.

Keith had gotten up from his chair too and looked a little amused as his eyes went back and forth between the apparent mother and daughter. They did not seem at odds at all and he silently appreciated that someone felt the same resentment towards their parent as he did to both of his. The silence did get a little awkward though.

"So what brings you to town?" Nick said jumping in as he felt the awkwardness too. His hand had dropped from the older woman's back. Emily turned her head towards him and looked as though she was about to speak when Liv interrupted them.

"Mrs Rollins? How nice to see you again," she said walking up to them. She extended her hand and again the older woman hesitated but then grabbed it halfhearted. Liv had already caught the obvious uncomfortable look covering Amanda's face and tried to think quickly.

"What brings you to town?" she asked repeating Nick's question.  
"I was hoping to get a word with my daughter," Emily said turning her attention back at Amanda. Everyone else's attention went to her as well. Amanda squirmed slightly feeling like the room was caving in on her. _It was really warm in there right?_

"I'm busy, I can't really step outside right now…" Amanda was surprised she was even able to put words together.  
"I just need a minute," Emily chipped in quickly.

Amanda turned slightly towards Liv not really sure why or for what. Liv searched her face for some indication to what she wanted or needed but couldn't read her detective and gestured towards her office just to do something.

"Take my office…" she offered with a lower voice even though she knew everyone heard her. Amanda frowned slightly but tried to recover quickly.  
"No," she said shaking her head a little, "the interview room…?"  
"Sure," Liv said doing her best to not touch the blonde. She looked in dire need of a hug or any kind of affection.

"We can't offer you much, but a coffee perhaps?" Liv said turning back to the mother hoping to give Amanda some time to compose herself.  
"No thank you," Emily answered surly though and pinned her eyes in her daughter again. Amanda turned on her heal and started walking towards the interview room trying to straighten her back as much as she was able to right now. _Why was she here? Why now?_

In two years she's spoken to her mom exactly once. It was last year when she'd called to, in her usual passively aggressively manner, inquire why the birthday card she sent was returned to sender. Amanda had tried to explain the somewhat complicated situation using as few words as possible since she knew her mom could, and probably would, use every single one of them against her in some way or another. She hadn't been too combative though but there had been a hint of disapproval in her voice when she learnt this Fin character wasn't a girlfriend but her _male_ partner. The birthday card had arrived a few days later and another one this year.

Amanda had sent cards and flowers for her mother's birthdays and gifts at Christmas. She'd dropped her mother a few e-mails over the years just to check in but she wasn't sure she received them since she never replied. Amanda wasn't sure why she kept writing. She didn't like her mother but she stilled loved her for some reason. She tried to explain it to herself with the fact her mother was now her only family. _But what kind of person did it make her? What kind of person could love someone that had repetitive inflicted pain on you and out loud told you that she hated you? Only a miserable person would still love someone that didn't love them back._

Amanda stepped to the side to let her mom pass. She watched that sharp chin, that slanting nose ridge and those suspicious blue eyes that immediately scanned the room they walked in to. She swallowed hard as she saw Fin step back in to the squad room and she met his eyes across the room as she closed the door.

"Who's that with Amanda?" Fin asked having just walked back in from a brief visit downstairs. Liv was on her way back to her office already.  
"Her mom," Nick let Fin know.

Fin looked a bit stunned but then immediately turned back to the interview room to try and get a glimpse of her. It would be a big, fat lie if he said he wasn't very curious about this woman. He hated her with all his guts but he was also very curious. He'd never met her and Amanda very rarely spoke of her. He'd seen her photo up on that wall once they tried to find his missing partner. It was an old mug shot from when she was arrested for assaulting another woman in the parking lot of a supermarket. Next to the photo hung a medical report for the young girl Amanda. That was all he had to see to hate this woman.

"What is _she_ doing here?" he asked knowing she'd never called once during Amanda's recovery or any time after that. For all he knew Amanda had only received a single birthday card from this poor excuse of a mother.  
"She said she wanted to talk to her," Nick informed him, "Seemed a bit urgent."

Both of them kept their eyes on the two blonde figures that seemed to be at a standoff inside the interview room. Keith meanwhile had sat down again by his desk feeling a bit disregarded. No one had even hinted at introducing him. His eyes were on the two male detectives. He had no idea why they seemed this interested in the newly arrived guest. She'd just looked like a reserved, on the grumpier side, aging woman. He couldn't help but think 'like mother, like daughter' since Rollins from the very first day he stepped in to this squad room came across as very reserved. He'd never gotten a good read on her. He had of course heard the rumors and he'd followed the news years ago as they reported about the missing NYPD detective and the unmasking of the notorious Mayhem killer.

He'd been out there on the streets keeping his eyes open for both of them. But even though she was a fellow cop the news had faded quickly as everyday life went on and it wasn't until he got notice of his new assignment that memories of that resurfaced again. Her name escaped him but he remembered the photo of her that had circled the police department and he recognized her as he shook her hand that first day. She'd seemed timid but given him a smile and a proper welcome. He'd soon found out though that she was a bit tricky. He couldn't really explain just how and he really didn't get a chance to get to know her better as she kept to herself mostly and for some reason he was never partnered up with her. He'd tried to quiz Amaro about her but he immediately got defensive. There were just some things with this squad you never talked or touched upon and Keith had worked long enough to know when to back off. Anything detective Amanda Rollins was simply off topic.

"I don't like it," Fin mumbled as he kept watching his partner.

**Liv had gone** back to her office for the soul purpose of keeping an eye on Amanda and her mom through the mirror in to the interview room. Of course she hadn't made it that obvious and she got some help by Amanda and her mom remaining standing behind the table so Liv could sit down at her desk and still watch them. She really wanted to turn the sound on and cursed her own sense of privacy which made her unable to do it.

She tried to keep an eye on the file she'd been reading before Amanda's demeanor out in the squad room had caught her attention and then Amanda's mom suddenly showing up which had brought her out of her office. But she couldn't keep her eyes off the two in the next room. They seemed to be talking, or Amanda's mom seemed to be talking while Amanda mostly listened with that crease between her eyes getting deeper by the minute.

Liv could read a lot just from their body languages. Amanda's arms were crossed in front of her, shoulders up and she was slightly turned away from her mother. Her mother was still clinging to her handbag. Both in defensive stances and further apart from each other than you'd expect from a mother and daughter talking. Liv knew their history though, from the medical reports she'd dug up when Amanda was missing. She wasn't sure what the status of their relationship was today but she didn't think they were in contact.

Cragen had called Emily up once they found Amanda and knew that she was going to pull through. Liv remembered the disgust on their captain's face afterwards, he rarely showed emotions like that so she knew it had been bad. He'd told her what the mother had said.

"_Of course she's okay, that kid always lands on her feet however way you toss her. Unlike my other daughter unfortunately." _

It had been a very weird thing to say but Liv didn't doubt that it was exactly what she'd said. It could be explained away with grief, with worry, with shock but for Liv the answer was simple. That woman was evil. Only evil could put a child through hell and then be able to show no remorse what so ever.

Liv stopped trying to pretend she was reading the file as Emily took a step closer towards Amanda who was now shaking her head. The crease was gone and instead she looked a bit terrified. Emily had let the tight grip around her purse go and was gesturing with both hands in a somewhat agitated way. Liv could hear her voice through the door but couldn't pick up on what exactly was being said. She knew by Amanda's face though that it wasn't something good.

Liv rose to her feet the moment after the slap landed on Amanda's cheek. It was hard enough to make strands of hair fly as her head spun by the impact. Liv was stunned but able to make her way to the window. She'd expected Amanda to put up some fight but she just took it, no hands came up to defend herself, nothing seemed to be said. And then there was a second slap.

"You ungrateful bitch…" Liv heard Emily hiss as she stepped through the door.  
"Step away Mrs Rollins," Liv shouted hurrying around the table to get to them in case the older woman would try a third attack.

"You…" the older woman directed Liv's way with a sinister look across her face.  
"Me what?" Liv challenged feeling her blood boil.  
"You have no right to burst in here," Emily said.  
"You just assaulted a NYPD detective," Liv informed her, "I'm placing you under arrest."

Fin opened the door out towards the squad room just as Liv brought up her cuffs.

"What's going on in here?" he asked a bit baffled.

The raised voice from the interview room had of course reached them out in the squad room but everyone had tried to keep their eyes down to not invade privacy. Once he'd heard Liv's strong voice though he'd dared to charge in and now here she was cuffing Amanda's mom?

"You can't do that," Emily said horrified as Liv spun her around against the table. Her palms and purse landed hard against the surface.  
"Oh I sure ca…" Liv said grabbing a hold of one wrist but then she got interrupted as Amanda suddenly stepped up by her side, her hand landing softly on Liv's arm.

"No, Liv, please," Amanda begged silently. Liv gave her a concerned look. Amanda's eyes were glanced and her cheek was burning red. Liv felt Amanda's hand shiver but when her eyes dropped to it Amanda quickly pulled it back in.

"You can't let her…" Liv said quietly but never finished the sentence as Amanda's face dropped further.  
"It would just cause more… it would get messier," Amanda stuttered. Liv had already let Emily's hand go and now she put her cuffs away.

"You're all crazy," Emily mumbled as she straightened her back as well as her blazer.  
"We?" Liv questioned but tried to settle down, "You get out of here and don't ever step in to my squad room again."  
"If this is how you treat guests…" Emily said but left it at that as she took a step towards the door. She pierced her eyes at her daughter and Liv got ready to jump in if she tried to hit her again.

"I should've listen to your father and had that abortion," Emily hissed.

"Okay, get out of here right this minute," Liv said with a raised voice as she would arrest this woman if she lingered even a second longer. Emily huffed but started moving towards the door. Fin stepped out of her way only after been given a glare by the older woman. He made sure she knew he wasn't intimidated though, he only stepped away to get rid of her.

Emily walked straight towards the gate, passing Nick who'd been hovering a few yards behind Fin.

"Are you okay?" Liv asked Amanda once she was sure the evil witch was really walking out. Amanda nodded trying to compose herself.

"What happen?" Fin asked coming closer. Either Amanda or Liv answered him though.

"Are you sure?" Liv asked Amanda instead. Amanda nodded again, trying to put some energy behind her gesture since she wasn't able to verbally answer right now.  
"What did she want?" Liv tried. She was curious what had gone down in there.

"It was…" Amanda started but trailed off as she tried to come up with an answer, "…nothing. She's just… Nothing."

"She hit you for no reason?" Liv asked making Fin's eyes grew wider. He'd missed that.  
"She doesn't need a reason," Amanda whispered. Liv's heart sunk as she saw the sadness on Amanda's face. Both Liv and Fin just stood there not sure what to say.

"Can I go back to work?" Amanda asked as she felt in bad need to get out of there.  
"You want to just take a minute?" Liv asked since she wasn't sure Amanda could head back out just yet.

"I rather get to work," Amanda said, that pleading back in her voice again.  
"Okay," Liv said giving her a nod even though Amanda kept her eyes down. Amanda turned to walk out but stopped briefly by Fin's side.

"Can we go check on Hailey?" she asked him and he nodded almost immediately. She nodded back and then walked out to her desk, making sure to avoid both Nick and Keith's stares as she wasn't sure she could stand seeing anyone else pity her right now. Instead she focused on collecting her things and then headed towards the gate. She got a little frightened her mother hadn't made her way out of the building yet and she waited for Fin to catch up to her as soon as she'd made it around the corner and out of sight of the squad room. She was in desperate need to lean her back up against the wall anyway.

Fin meanwhile had exchanged a glance with Liv. He was looking for some answers to what had just gone down and how to handle it. But her face gave him no answers, she looked just as worried as he felt. He tried one last time but Liv just sighed and shrugged slightly.

"We'll be with the Specters," Fin said and Liv gave him a nod.

She hadn't even tried to get behind the wheel so he knew she was off her game as they rode towards the hotel Hailey Specter and her mom was staying at. He made no effort to try and pretend he wasn't shooting her concerned looks. He'd learnt a long time ago she hated getting side-glances and even more when someone tried to hide them.

"I'm fine," she whispered after a while as she got worried he paid more attention to her than the traffic.  
"You want to tell me what happened back there?" he asked.  
"Not really," she muttered.

He stayed quiet for a bit but he couldn't leave the matter just yet.

"Your cheek looks painful," he finally said.  
"Life is painful," she mumbled.  
"Maybe talking about it would make it less so?" he suggested.

For the first time since they got in the car she turned to face him straight on. She gave him a confounded look and his face cracked quickly.

"What?" he said, laughter down his throat.  
"Really? Talk?" she questioned.  
"Well I heard it helps other people," he laughed.  
"We're not other people Fin," she said less amused turning to look outside again at anything and anyone.

"I know we're not but sometimes it's good to do the total opposite of what you're used to," he tried.  
"Says the man who refuses to even try sushi," she sighed.  
"I want my food cooked, not just rolled but nice try getting off the subject," he said as their eyes met briefly. They rode in silence for a while.

"Okay," he said as he decided to not push the matter further, "your mother proved she's still the wicked witch of the south and when you feel ready to talk about what happened you know I'll listen Amanda."

He didn't take offence to her not even giving him a look, he knew neither of them handled emotions well.

"I know," she said after a few heartbeats and then the rest of the ride was quiet.

**He knew this recent case** had hit close to home for her and he was relieved over the outcome. They still hadn't convicted the sleaze but the trial had started and there was really no doubt he would be found guilty. He liked to watch Amanda interact with the girl Hailey, he could tell the two liked each other and that the girl trusted his partner. Even with the harsh reality Amanda lit up when she was around the girl. He hoped she knew she'd done something really good for this girl.

For the next couple of days Amanda and Liv spent most time in court, both were witnesses for the prosecution and then sat in the gallery with Hailey and her mother. Liv had to excuse herself at times, she had to run the squad as well. Fin had offered to sit with Amanda but she'd declined, letting him know she was a big girl and he'd be to better use at SVU.

They had to wait a week for the ruling once Barba had closed but then, as expected, he was found guilty. As usual when it came to sex crimes the sentence wasn't as harsh as they wanted but at least the guy was put behind bars and Hailey would get to go through the rest of her adolescence without having to worry about him being around.

After the sentencing they usually cut the ties with the victims and their family but Fin knew Amanda kept in contact with the girl. Or more so it was the girl keeping contact with Amanda. She texted, e-mailed and even dropped by the station. Fin knew that Amanda knew what she had to do so he stepped away for the time being to give her room to do it. But he started to realize after days turned to a week and then two that she struggled to detach.

"If you're transforming or whatever it's called it's even more important you cut her loose," Fin said. Amanda had gotten a text just as they sat down to eat one night and he'd been unable to keep quiet as he saw her text back. It had resulted in a rather heated back and forth between them while they ate. Or rather while Fin ate and Amanda mostly ran her fork through the food on her plate.

"I already got a shrink thank you very much and it's called _transference_ by the way," she said making a face at him.  
"So you've talked to Olivet about Hailey," he said hoping that was the case. She rarely mentioned anything about Olivet or the therapy sessions she had with her every other week and he'd let that be her thing and not asked her anything.

"None of your business," she said moving towards the fridge to get a soda. They'd forgotten to put drinks out and she grabbed one for him as well and put it down loudly by his plate.  
"You are my business, partner, so let's stop beating around the bush, we both know you identify with this girl," he said.  
"I don't," she said stubbornly.

"You were fourteen Amanda, Hailey was fourteen when she started sleeping with that sleaze ball. He's just like your mom's boyfriend."  
"Was not, I seduced him Fin," Amanda said getting back up from her chair again to walk away.  
"And that's exactly what Hailey said too at first," he reminded her, raising his voice so she would still hear him as she walked in to the living room.

"It's not the same," she shouted back, sitting down with a sulky face on the couch with her soda.  
"Bull," he shouted back, "he was just as big of a predator."  
"I loved him, he cared for me," she shouted back, "God knows no one else did but he really did."

"Fourteen," he repeated. This was the most she'd ever spoken about this so Fin was a little excited at the same time as he was angry.  
"Not the same," she said determined but with a normal voice so he barely heard her.

"How can you say that Amanda?" he said getting up from the chair as he had to face her. He stayed on the other side of the room though knowing she didn't like to be cornered. He made sure to not raise his voice now, this was a discussion he wanted to start and not another shouting match.

"You meet girls like Hailey frequently. Girls in similar situations as you were in. Neglected, at risk…"  
"Shut up Fin," she said between deep inhales.

"I'm not saying it to hurt you Amanda. I'm saying it cause I care about you."  
"Doing a poor job there buddy," Amanda said trying to keep herself together.

"I'm sorry," he said and managed to catch her eyes briefly. He was a bit relieved she didn't look as pissed as she'd sounded but he could tell she was upset and he didn't like that either. He dared to approach her but stopped by the single armchair as she pulled her knees up to her body. He sat down on the chair so she wouldn't feel the need to get more defensive which might get her to leave the room.

"Your mom didn't watch out for you as she should've," he said carefully.  
"I didn't need her to…" Amanda tried but her voice failed her.  
"You did Amanda, all kids need someone to look out for them. You didn't have that someone. What your mom did to you…"

"You don't know my mom," she said defensively.  
"I _do_ know your mom. I meet your mom in every scumbag parent we come across. I know she did the opposite to looking out for you which makes her a nasty person."

Fin let that sink out for a few seconds, gave her a little time since he wasn't done yet.

"And your mom's boyfriend was one of those nasty persons too," he said preparing for resistance but none came. She kept her chin to the top of her knees and her eyes down on the soda can in her hands.

"What was his name?" he asked carefully.  
"Danny," she answered after a while with barely a whisper.  
"_Danny_ was a predator Amanda, he had no business messing with a fourteen year old."

"I messed with him," she whispered.  
"That's not how it works and you know better…" he started but got interrupted by her sudden movement. She put the soda down on the coffee table, so forcefully it spilled.

"I know shit," she said getting up to take off.  
"Stop," Fin shouted out quickly making her stop midstep. He'd seen her shoulders pull up as his voice startled her and he felt bad for scaring her. He softened his voice as he continued.

"Please don't run from this Amanda," he pleaded, "just tell me what makes you different from Hailey? Make me understand what makes you different from any other underage girl we come across?"

She just stood there for a while and he knew there was still a chance she could take off and that he would probably have to let her go then. He watched her back, wanted to touch it, wanted to sooth her and make all this better for her but he feared she wouldn't let him. But then her phone buzzed over at the kitchen counter and she jumped slightly. They both figured it was Hailey again.

"What I had with Danny..." she suddenly said turning slightly towards him but keeping her eyes on her phone on the counter, "…that was, it was mutual. He needed something, and I needed something. We found comfort in each other."

"What you needed wasn't an old guy screwing you," Fin couldn't hold his tongue. She moaned loudly, obviously disgruntled with what he'd said. She dragged her fingers through her hair, stopping to pull at it slightly at the top of her head but then let her arms drop to her sides again.

"You just don't get it," she sighed.  
"Then make me understand," he said.

"I told you, he was there for me like no other adult ever was," she said facing him. He had to fight really hard to not let his true feelings show all over his face. He would strangle this dude with his bare hands if he got the chance.

"He even told my mom to lay off me, he stood up for me."

Fin squirmed a little. To him it was so obvious this guy groomed her, he made her dependent on him like any other pedophile.

"He didn't use me," she said piercing her eyes in Fin as she could tell he wasn't changing his opinion on this matter, "if anything I used him. Hailey's a victim. I was never _his_ victim."

"Amanda…" Fin said taking a step closer to her but stopped when he saw her shy back.  
"No Fin, you don't get it. You'll never get it. I never _felt_ used. All I felt was loved. It's a difference."

He shook his head with obvious disbelief across his face and it made her a little agitated. She took a few steps towards him.

"I knew what I was doing when I seduced him. I've always known and I'm accountable for my actions," she said raising her voice. He'd taken a step closer to her as well and reached out to touch her arm but she flinched and pulled away.

"I know you don't like to think of yourself as a victim Amanda…" he tried.  
"Don't… I'm not," she said taking a few steps away from him. She took a deep breath and then swallowed hard trying to get rid of the sickening feeling down her throat. She had to think, she knew that if she got too defensive now it would only work against her. She realized she'd started pacing and stopped immediately.

"It was just different for me Fin, why can't you see that," she said trying to compose herself.  
"Cause I don't do grey Amanda, you know that. You were a minor, he an adult, or at least he should've been acting like an adult and stayed away. There's no grey zone here. He should never have touched you."

"Well it happened and there's no need to dwell on it," Amanda said feeling a need to get off this topic quickly, "can't we just leave it at that?"  
"Have you talked to Olivet about it?"  
"Fin…" Amanda moaned turning her back at him. She didn't like him intruding in that, her shrink sessions were her own. It got too messy if he got in there too.

"C'mon, I worry about you. You were the sanest person I knew and then you go off on your one woman army operation, bringing down this Russian mobster _and_ a serial killer all on your own. And then this whole bit with your mom's boyfriend. I know it's still you but I wonder… wonder what's really going on in there."

"So now I'm not sane?" she said doing her best to keep the tears that now balanced at the corner of her eyes off her voice.  
"Of course that's what you take from that…" he muttered but took a deep breath as he knew he had to explain it better, "I get you Amanda, we think alike, we are alike, you know that. But I lost you there for a while. I get why you had to do it, if it had been my sister, my only family… I get it. But I was scared. I had no idea what was going on. If I'd ever get you back and when cases like Hailey come along I worry I'll lose you again. That you'll get lost."

"I'm not getting lost again Fin," she said feeling less angry at him.  
"It's okay if you do though but just take me with you okay?"

She chuckled slightly, it felt really good to laugh right now. Hailey's case had made her tense, no point trying to deny it.

"You can talk to me you know," he said once her chuckle had sounded off, "I will get in your face and I'll tell you when I don't agree with you but you know I'll never turn my back on you. I will always be here for you boo. There's nothing you can't run by me."  
"I know," she whispered feeling a little ashamed facing him but did her best to do it. She knew he deserved that.

"So you want to tell me what your mom wanted the other week?" he knew he was pushing. Rarely did they vent this much, he rarely confronted her since he was afraid he would push her away.  
"Can we leave that for another day?" she asked feeling exhausted already. She wasn't keen on filling him in on how low her mom had sunk.  
"Sure. You wanna finish that food now?" he suggested and she nodded just to get them moving. He grabbed her soda, leaving the stain for later and then joined her in the kitchen.

Amanda had been curious to see what Hailey had replied. She knew she would have to cut her off but it felt good to be able to help her along in her recovery. They usually left the victims once the ruling was in and never got to see them strive, or perhaps not strive which were the case with some of them unfortunately. But Hailey was taking small steps and in a way that helped Amanda too.

So she'd grabbed the phone as soon as she reached the counter. The text wasn't from her though. Amanda didn't recognize the number. She froze as she read the text.

"You want a cold one?" Fin asked as he walked by her. He knew she liked her beverages really chilled.  
"Amanda?" he said when she didn't respond. Her eyes were stuck to the screen of her phone.  
"Huh?" she said as her eyes popped up. He held up the soda.  
"Want a new one?"  
"Eh… no. No thanks," she said sounding a bit distracted.

"What's up?" he asked sitting down by his plate. He'd almost finished already but he did like to clean the plate.  
"You know what, I'm really tired. I'm just gonna go lay down for a while… okay?" she started to back away from the counter. She looked a little suspicious to him but as he shot a look at her almost full plate he wondered if she was just trying to get out of eating.

"Not for the night I hope? I'll save your plate for later," he said trying to not push too much.  
"Yeah, no, maybe," she said a bit evasive, shot him one of those innocent smiles of hers and then turned her back to him as she continued down the hall. She held her phone tight to her chest as she hurried to close the door behind her. She took a few deep breaths trying to get a grip on herself. She noticed that her hand was shaking a little as she unlocked her phone.

The text came up and she read it slowly feeling her blood freeze all over again;  
"_Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. The wrath of God is coming for you Amanda._"

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**Reviews are more than welcomed. I know there's some high expectations out there for this sequel so I'd love to know what you think...**


	2. Chapter 2: Camouflage

**I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reviews. Thank you so very much.**

**I know not all of you like to read smut so I want to give a heads-up to a bit of a graphic, intimate scene at the end of this chapter. It's explicit because I felt a need to really get across this bond between two characters and I just couldn't find another way to write it. This story won't have too much of that but I promise to put a warning whenever I get a bit crude.**

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**Chapter 2: Camouflage**

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_The threat of evil is ever present… We can contain it as long as we stay vigilant, but it can never truly be destroyed._ ~ Lorraine Warren

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They'd been swamped with cases for a couple of weeks now. Liv couldn't wait for this long summer to be over, she was silently praying for rain and cooler weather so people would stay indoors and away from the streets and parks. Special victims was busy all year round but the flashers, gropers and random opportunist sexual offenders would at least drop once fall came.

She put down the last of a very thick pile of files on her desk with a heavy sigh as her eyes went out to the squad room. She could see all four detectives at their respective desk, or more so the top of their heads as they too were busy with files and paper work. She was grateful things were running smoothly between them now with the heavy workload. She spotted Nick raising his hands above his head stretching out before he dove back down again. She knew he was at a rather good point with his ex-wife these days and that he saw his daughter every other weekend and for longer periods during school breaks. She wasn't sure how things were going with his son and his mother though and Liv made a mental note to ask out of concern when she got a chance to catch him alone.

Her eyes wandered across the desk to her newest recruit, Keith Winters. His short chestnut brown hair was as usually perfectly combed back, the sideburns perfectly shaved. She couldn't see his face but she wondered if he had used that five o'clock shadow trick when he shaved this morning. Liv had overheard him talking to Nick in the gents one day, Keith said that trim drove the ladies wild. She hadn't heard Nick chuckle but it had made Liv smile. Yes Keith was probably a bit of a ladies man even though she knew he'd been burned in the ugly divorce a couple of years ago.

Either way she felt relieved that he'd fitted in so well with the squad. She knew she had a lot of that to thank Nick for, he'd been showing him the ropes since day one, really stepping up for her and the entire squad. Keith seemed perhaps a bit excessive about his exterior but still laid back and she'd never had a problem interacting with him. He could take an order, never seemed bothered by the fact she was a woman and he never complained about long hours or strenuous work. He was eager to do a good job. He reminded her of Nick when he first got here, and of Amanda.

Amanda. Her eyes went over to her blonde head. Liv straighten her back a little so she could get a better look at her. Her eyes were glued to the computer screen. She had a pen between her lips, the yellow stick bounced a little every time she bit down on it. She seemed to be in a good place right now. Liv had noticed her getting a little too involved with the Hailey Specter case a few weeks back but Liv knew all too well how hard it was to distance yourself in some cases. And with Amanda's history Liv figured she might have struggle with it a little more than usual.

And then it was the surprise visit by her mom in the middle of all that as well. Liv still didn't know what exactly had gone down between the only two remaining females of the Rollins family, perhaps of the entire family. She'd tried to approach Amanda about it but Amanda had made it bluntly clear that she didn't want to talk about it. Liv did have a hard time getting close to Amanda. Rarely did she have to reprimand or confront her so she rarely got to spend time alone with her.

They did have a one on one in Liv's office every month but Liv couldn't help but feel there was some barricade between them. Like Amanda had this invisible but very tangible shield up that prevented Liv to get close. And it wasn't just metaphorically, it felt physical too. Amanda had this way of sliding just slightly away from you if you got too close. Liv barely noticed it but it got evident when Liv was the voyeur of Amanda with a group of people. Amanda always stood one step behind or to the side.

Liv wondered if doctor Olivet got that shield too or if Amanda felt secure enough to drop it when with her psychiatrist? And if so, was there something Liv could do to make it easier for Amanda? Was there something about Liv that made Amanda feel a need to withdraw? Fin was the only one who Amanda seemed almost completely relaxed around.

Liv's eyes wandered over to the clean cut head across from the blonde. Liv smiled as she caught him closing his eyes for a second. Or perhaps it had been a few minutes? As long as he handed in his report at the end of the day she didn't have a problem with it. Fin was a very valuable member of her team. He was a good cop and he felt like the reliable, unwavering backbone of this hard working unit. He was important for them all but crucial for Amanda and the fact they had her back on the squad.

Liv had felt it was too soon. Too soon for her to come back to work, too soon to try and leave what had happened behind her. But Liv hadn't said anything back then hoping they could all carry her through. She had raised her voice when Cragen had let Amanda come in to do the interrogation with Simon, aired her concern about Amanda not being strong enough to even be up on her feet. It had been so obvious, the amount of physical pain Amanda had been in and if you could see that, how much pain wasn't she then hiding within?

Liv still felt they'd pushed, and perhaps used, Amanda to the brink of life but without the truth, even if it was hard to hear, Liv figured Amanda just hadn't been able to go on. She was barely able to go on even with the truth but the not knowing was almost always worse than knowing. At least you were able to try and move on once you had the truth served to you.

Liv couldn't even imagine what Fin must've gone through with Amanda, maybe still even went through. They rarely talked about Amanda. Liv would try and dig at times but she could tell Fin's loyalty to his partner immediately made him reserved and careful about what he disclosed. Liv didn't hold that against him. She just tried and make sure to really listen intently the few times Fin did turn to her and to try and interpret his at times intricate ways of airing concern for his partner.

She wasn't sure what their status was. She'd been completely blown away by the revelation two years ago that the two slept together, and even more so that they seemed to have been able to handle it so casually and without it affecting their work. She of course knew Amanda was still staying with him but she preferred to not know if they shared a bed or not, if she knew she would have to deal with it and as long as they were both doing their job Liv didn't see a need to.

It wouldn't be such a bad thing if they were more than partners Liv caught herself thinking. Liv knew firsthand how lonely this work could make you and just how dark it could turn your thoughts. These days she had someone to come home to though and it really made life that much easier when you had someone to share burdens with and to join in laughter right when you needed it the most. She wished Fin and Amanda had found that in each other.

Liv flinched at Fin jolting awake in his seat. A yellow pen had hit him in the head, waking him up abruptly. Just as she'd copied Fin's flinch, she now smiled as she caught Fin's sour look turning in to a happy one. He tossed the pen back at his partner and Liv's smile spread as she caught Amanda's laugh, it was even loud enough to reach inside her office. It was rare you got to hear it and Liv cherished the moment.

Liv leaned back in her chair, diverting her eyes to give her squad some privacy. _Yes they were all in a good place right?_ They were a solid squad and Liv was pretty sure they could handle whatever was thrown at them. She wished she wasn't a constant worrier though, that the tiny disarray in her gut could just ease up. _Nothing would happen right? Things could just go right for a change?_

* * *

_The Righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance, he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked_ (**Psalm 58:10**)

* * *

Fin leaned down and tapped on one of her sock covered feet to get her to pull them in. He sat down in the middle of the couch with a heavy sigh. He could've just let her extend herself on the couch but he liked to sit in the middle of it for some reason. He could stretch out both his arms on the back frame and just fold out which way he wanted. And it also meant the benefit of getting at least her feet in his lap at some point.

He was stuffed having finished a big plate of Thai food and on top of that her leftovers. It had been a long day at work, case load was crazy, and she'd quickly retreated to the couch leaving him to do the dishes. He'd left her do them yesterday so he hadn't complained, well maybe a little of whining but not too much. He shot her a look before his eyes went back over to the TV screen. He could tell she was tired by that intense stare her eyes got when she really had to focus to stay awake.

"Where are they?" he asked watching the two naked people on TV that seemed to be covering themselves with mud for some to him odd reason.  
"Botswana," Amanda mumbled after a few seconds.  
"What are they up against?"  
"Heat, thorns and hyenas," she answered a little unfocused.

"And who are they?" he asked trying to size the two people up.  
"Banker and… bartender," Amanda answered a little distracted.  
"I bet the blonde is the bartender," he joked but got no response.

"Survival rate?" he asked. He touched her curled up foot and repeated the question when she didn't answer. She sat up yawning and he put his arm up to give her room as she scooted closer to him to lean against him.

"He's 5,9," she said as she got comfortable against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.  
"She's 4,7 but it looks like she'll croak," she sighed as she rearranged herself a little.

"She looks fit," Fin chipped in.  
"She complained about a thorn in her finger," she said with a sigh and Fin smiled.  
"Looser," he mumbled.  
"Told you," she mumbled back.

They watched the rest of the episode of Naked and Afraid in silence, only a slight grunt or chuckle when one of the two contenders earned one. He was a little too tired to really pay attention tonight and mostly just sat there feeling content. Content with a belly full of delicious grub, in a nice and comfy couch and with one of the people he held dearest right next to him. He leaned his cheek down on top of her head, taking a sniff of her hair and rubbing his cheek a little against her soft strands. She was totally absorbed with the TV but would probably not have been bothered with his action either way.

He closed his eyes for what was supposed to be just a moment but he must've dozed off as he awoke to her phone buzzing on the table. He realized it was more her reaction to the incoming text that awoke him though as she'd jumped so high his arm landed behind her. She quickly took his arm though and wrapped it back around her.

"You're not gonna check it?" he murmured as he wiped some saliva out of the corner of his mouth with his free hand. He felt her shake her head.

"Is it Hailey again?" he asked not able to hide a sigh. He thought she'd cut that off weeks ago.  
"It's not Hailey," she whined, squirming a little to try and find her way back to that comfortable place. He threw the top of her head a curious look. He wondered who was texting her, it wasn't like she had that many friends but her phone had been buzzing quite a lot lately.

"What if it's work?" he said not wanting to leave the subject just yet. He had this constant worry that she was lying to him.  
"Work would call, not text," she complained squirming again.

"But what…" he started but didn't get to finish his line.  
"Shut up, you're spoiling it," she said giving his chest a slap with her palm. He couldn't help but smile and he redirected his attention to the TV. A big ass snake showed up on the TV and then an image of the guy that seemed to be ready to throw the towel in.

Amanda rearranged herself again, folding her legs over him as well and wrapping her arms around him so she almost disappeared underneath his armpit. She'd been doing that for some time now, cuddling in a way that made him feel like she was in need of protection. He didn't mind but it did worry him a little. He wasn't sure what it meant or _if_ it meant anything. He didn't mind being her protector but he much rather see her not afraid or in need of protection.

She'd been sleeping in his bed for two nights in a row now. And not sneaking in after a nightmare but starting up in his bed. It had happened three times last week, she'd asked for permission the first night to which he'd said she never had to ask. Seeing how they were only on Wednesday now he wondered if she would make it seven out of seven this week.

She'd slept fairly well last week but for the past two nights he'd woken up to her silently whimpering and squirming next to him and with a coat of sweat starting to form all over her skin. He'd woken her by saying her name as he rubbed her arm gently. Once he got sight of her eyes and was sure he'd managed to snag her from whatever evil had tried to get her in her sleep he didn't ask for approval but just got a steady grip around her and pulled her in so her back connected with his chest. He held her tight, spooning her with both arms wrapped around her.

He knew she usually didn't like to be cornered or trapped but something implicitly just made him feel like this was what she needed right now.

And for a third night in a row he found himself doing just the same. He held her tight as he watched the light of the lamp shimmer through her blonde strands. He'd been used to sleeping in the dark but since she'd moved in he'd always left the bed light on. In the beginning it was because she needed it as she slept and later on it was left on so she would find her way there those nights when she needed him.

Now the light made him able to watch that soft slant of her cheek, the corner of her closed eye with eyelashes still dampen by tears that had formed during her nightmare. His eyes lingered there on those eyelashes as he felt her body drift back to sleep. He loosen his grip around her just slightly when he was sure she'd gone back to sleep so that he himself could relax a little.

But he wouldn't be able to relax tonight. He could feel something was wrong. Something was troubling her. He tried to think back to the time when Amanda had just come back to SVU after everything that had happened and to one of the talks he'd had with Liv. Or more so when Liv had talked to him. She'd told him to look for signs, sleep problems, impaired concentration, panic attacks, obsessiveness, joint and muscle pains with no obvious cause, reactive depression, shame, survivor guilt. All signs of PTSD. Liv had mentioned numerous more but he couldn't recall them all right now.

Sleep problems she'd suffered from for two years now, it was nothing new. He hadn't seen a panic attack for quite some time now though. _But she had complained about muscle pain right? The other week, she'd complained about cramp in her leg, at least twice._ But she'd done some excessive running on the tread mill that week as she'd lured him to the gym twice. He wasn't sure why she suddenly didn't go out running though. He tried to think back but he couldn't remember when she'd last gone out for a run at night.

_What was reactive depression? Was it more than usual depression or less? Shame? Survivor guilt? What was he missing? What other signs were there? Damn he should've written them all down when Liv mentioned them. But he had a pamphlet somewhere right?_ He'd been at a support group once. Some group for friends and family of rape and sexual abuse survivors. He'd actually found his own way there, not something Cragen or Liv suggested, just his own curiosity, and perhaps helplessness, that brought him there. It hadn't been all bad. He'd even introduced himself, well as much as you did at an anonymous meeting like that. He'd said a close friend, someone he both worked and lived with, had gone through some really bad shit, that she'd almost died and that he feared she might off herself.

He'd tried to watch his words, there were some old people in the group and all of them, every age included, looked like they could cry if any even somewhat harsh words were uttered. But at the time he had been really worried Amanda would kill herself and he'd never been able to air that to anyone. She was still not back at work at this time, she wasn't even leaving the apartment. It had felt good to say it out loud and he'd appreciated the head nods but then hoped for someone to say that he was wrong. That he didn't have to worry and that she wouldn't off herself.

But all he'd heard was that almost all of them had been in his shoes, they'd all had that concern and one woman had started crying uncontrollable to the point he wondered if her loved one had really offed themselves. He didn't ask, he didn't want to know. He hadn't stayed around afterwards to have coffee, and cookies that crying woman had apparently baked. He wanted to hurry home, hoping to find Amanda alive in his apartment.

He'd never gone back but he'd taken some things home from that meeting, something other than the pamphlet. There had been a man that had spoken. His wife had been raped some time ago. It sounded like they've had a pretty long and bumpy road but he finally felt as though they'd reached a good place. They were going to have a baby and by the applauds that announcement got Fin figured it was the first the group heard of it but that they all probably knew that this man and his wife had been trying to reach this point for some time.

The tears in the man's eyes had been of happiness and hearing him say that if they'd asked him six months ago if he thought they could end up here, with a baby on the way, he would've answered never. _But never would've been a lie cause here we are_, the man said.

"_We're here now and I'll never lose faith that anything is possible if you fight for it. If you fight for it and the love is real you can make it through almost anything_."

Fin had taken those words to heart. He was a fighter. Amanda was certainly a fighter. And the love he had for her was nothing less than real.

Things had deteriorated even more after that with Amanda slipping out to pay her, Fin didn't like to call him her boyfriend but he figured that's what he'd been. She'd hooked up with the drug dealing and pimping bartender at the strip club she'd worked during her undercover stint. She'd come home bruised and high and he'd lost it for a few moments. He'd reached out for help that night. Liv being the obvious choice to ask for help and she'd stayed with Amanda as he went out to blow off steam.

And as was the case so very often, when life felt the darkest a shimmer of light suddenly appears. Liv had come up with the idea of the dog, there was a dog that needed a few months taking care of while its owner was abroad. And with the help of that dog they'd managed to get Amanda outside and then slowly back to life again. That dog was a hero. He missed that dog but they still saw her, and her owner, and had taken care of her whenever her owner had to leave town again.

It felt like just yesterday but here they were two years later. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped worrying about her offing herself. It had just vanished from his thoughts like so many other things did. They'd taken two steps forward, one back and then continued like that. Together they'd made it this far, he was pretty sure they could make it through anything after all of that. He just had to get her to open up about what it was troubling her right now.

"So is something going on?" he asked the next morning as they were getting ready to head out. They usually didn't exchanged many words to each other that early and disrupting their routine earned him a peeved look from her. He just raised his eyebrows though letting her know it was a serious question.

"What do you mean?" she said walking over to the door to get her shoes on.  
"Your sleep is more disturbed than usual, you seem a bit jumpy and…" he said joining her at the door.

"And what?" she said when he left the sentence unfinished. He heard the annoyed tone in her voice but tried to disregard from it. What came out of his mouth next though was a sure sign he was nervous.  
"A bit clingy."

He immediately regretted the choice of word and even more so as he saw her stunned face. She didn't even look at him but just turned her wide eyes away from him.

"What I mean is something is obviously bothering you," he said quickly trying to recover the situation, "and I wish you could talk to me about it."  
"There's nothing to talk about," she said grabbing for the door as she wanted to get out of there, "and I'll stop being so _clingy_."

She gave him an intense stare that lasted only a second and then headed out the door. He sighed, took a second to take a deep breath and then hurried after her. He was relieved she was holding the elevator for him when he caught up to her, had she been really pissed he figured she would've rode down without him. No one said anything on the way down though. Fin usually didn't mind silence but the awkward kind, and especially between them two, was unsettling.

He got in to the car before her and when she went to put the key in the engine he grabbed the wheel. He tried to ignore the dark look she gave him.

"Just tell me you would talk to me if something was bothering you," he said with a tone that made it impossible for her to stay angry at him, it reeked with concern.  
"Amanda," he begged when she didn't say anything. He could tell her face had soften but he needed her to reassure him.

"I'm…" she started and sat back a little to get some space from him. He let go of the wheel but stayed turned towards her as he waited for her to continue.  
"What?" he asked softly as she remained silent and seemed to have drifted off in her thoughts. She blinked a few times as she came back to her current surroundings and then she turned to him with a slight smile forming on her lips.

"I'm just having some trouble sleeping," she said quietly, "it's just… nightmares you know."

She seemed a little embarrassed and it was the last thing he wanted her to be.

"If I… you can kick me out of your bed if I'm bothering you," she smiled and he shook his head.  
"You're never a bother Amanda and I would never kick you… not when I know how hard you can kick back."

She let out a quick, loud chuckle and it made him smile as he leaned back in his seat. She got the car started and they took off.

**They drove in to the station** at the same time as Keith and the three of them made their way upstairs together. Fin and Keith were small talking while Amanda stayed half a step behind them. Nick was already at work and in Liv's office when the three stepped in to the squad room. Liv gestured them in to her office the moment she spotted them. Fin walked in first. Keith hung back to let Amanda pass him but changed his mind as he caught the disgruntled glare she shot him and he ended up walking in ahead of her.

"We got a third victim," Liv said as Fin walked in.  
"White, single female raped outside a bar last night," she continued as all three of them was in her sight.

"Why do we hear about it now and not last night?" Fin asked shoving his hands down his pockets.  
"She only walked in to the hospital this morning," Liv informed them.

"So we're definitely dealing with a serial then," Keith said putting it out there, "and he's escalating, last victim was just two nights ago."

Liv wasn't sure what to say and just sighed heavily as she looked down on the file on her desk. Four victims that they knew of so far. The first one two weeks ago, then a second one last week and two already this week. He was escalating quickly and so far they had close to nothing to go on.

"Rollins can you go with Amaro to the hospital to talk to the victim?" she asked and Amanda gave her a quick nod.  
"I got to go up to 1PP even though I got close to nothing about who this guy attacking these women are," Liv sighed grabbing the dodgy and incomplete sketch they'd let a sketch artist draw up with the mere intel the victims had been able to give.

"What can we do serge?" Fin asked. Liv gave him a look.  
"Have a look at the crime scene? And take another round with the previous victims, see if they can recall something they forgot to tell us," she said and looked to Keith as well.  
"And keep me posted about anything you get," she shouted after her detectives as they left her office, "Anything."

She sighed and put the poor sketch back in the file. She was not looking forward to getting scolded at.

**Two hours later** they were all back at the station, Liv in an even less good mood than before but did her best to not take her frustration out on her detectives.

"Rollins, Amaro," she said, "you go first."

Nick shot Amanda a look to see if she wanted to speak but as usual she kept her eyes down.

"Okay," Nick said, "Lucy Davies, 31, went out last night with friend…" Nick searched his notepad for the name that had escaped him right now, "Constance Cerone. As previous victims just out during a week day to blow off steam after work. They ended up drinking a little more than planned and staying out a little longer than expected. Constance left a little before Lucy who was playing pool with some guys. She was hit on a lot but not out to bring someone home. She split up with a boyfriend of four years during the summer and not looking for anything new just yet. She decided to walk home, got about four blocks and then got jumped. She hadn't seen anyone follow her from the bar though but she admits not paying much attention to her surroundings. He had a knife that she describes just like the one our perp's been using. He wore gloves, had his hood up, made her lay down face forward and he used a condom. All she could tell was that he was white, had about an inch on her and that he felt heavy on top of her."

"She saw nothing of his face?" Liv asked just to make sure and Nick shook his head. Liv couldn't help but grunt loudly. She took a quick breath though and wised up, turning to Amanda.

"Injuries?" Liv asked and directed the question deliberately at her to get her involved.  
"A slight cut on her neck but she didn't put up a fight, like with previous victims he said he would cut her throat if she struggled and she didn't doubt his sincerity so she complied," Amanda said. Liv just nodded. One of the earlier victims had fought and got stabbed as they struggled so they knew this perp was serious with his threats.

"And you?" Liv asked turning to Fin and Keith.  
"Latest victim Talia Graham has gone upstate to her mom's place, she recalls nothing new," Fin answered and then Keith took over filling them in on how their meeting with the other two victims went. Just as their latest victim they had nothing new to add, all just barely physically healed but with a long road left to recovery.

So they had four women raped now by the same guy judging by the MO used. They were all in their thirties, out on a week day and attacked on their way home. He'd managed to rape all four of them and they figured he might have tried before, refined his method but so far any potential victims hadn't been able to give them anything new. Those that had escaped an assault had run for dear life, rightfully so, and hadn't caught a good look of their assailant.

Liv crossed her arms in front of her and watched the board with the four victims and the poor sketch of the perpetrator. 1PP had demanded action. She approached the map on the board. The four sights of attacks were all in a limited area, this guy hunted the same grounds and she toyed with the idea to just put patrol cars outside every bar but she knew that might just force him to find another area and bring up the number of innocent women attacked. But she also knew that as soon as the news of a serial roaming the streets hit media that would probably make him more careful and maybe relocate.

"We should trap him," Keith blurted out as he couldn't hold it in. He could tell their sergeant was probably thinking the same the way she circled the map with her finger. Liv turned to look at him with a somewhat startled look upon her face though.

"Look, he's hunting in a smaller area," Keith said gesturing towards the map and then lifted his hand towards the row of victims, "and we know what type of women he likes. It's not rocket science. We should be able to take him down."

Liv's eyes went up to the board again and her eyes travelled over the four victims.

"Bait me."

Liv spun around by the sound of Amanda's voice.

"You should bait me," she repeated when Liv just watched her, "I fit his bill."

Fin was shaking his head to Amanda's left but no one was watching him. All eyes were either on Amanda or Liv.

"I'm not sure…" Liv started but Amanda held up her hand in the air as she walked up to Liv and then passed her to get to the board.  
"Blonde, thirties," she said gesturing up to the portraits. One of them were brunette but if you saw the more recent photos from the hospital you'd know she'd bleached her hair during the summer. When she learnt all the victims were blonde she might start to regret that decision just as much as she regretted walking home instead of taking a cab like everyone always adviced you to do.

"Use me serge," Amanda said staring Liv down, "You _should_ use me."

Liv was still reluctant. Amanda hadn't worked undercover since what happened two years ago. She'd been back-up, sitting by a bar or in a lobby during stake-outs but never undercover. It wasn't that Liv didn't trust her but she was just fearful it was too much, that perhaps Amanda wouldn't handle it.

"We should let patrol cars drive around this part," Keith said walking up to the board and went behind Amanda so he could reach the map.  
"Force him over this way," Keith ran his finger further south on the map, "have Rollins in one of the bars down here. We can even go in to the others, warn any blonde women in there and make Rollins the only blonde one out there for him to target."

Liv got a little annoyed that he started to plan the operation without her giving the go-ahead. Not that she minded initiative but she didn't like the thought of Amanda exposed like that. She'd been exposed enough for a lifetime but at the same time Liv knew it wasn't right to hold her back if she herself felt ready to put herself out there again.

"Hold on Winters," Liv said and made Keith quiet down as she directed her attention back at Amanda.  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Liv asked. She immediately regretted not taking Amanda to the side to make sure this was her decision and not forced out of peer pressure or blind dedication. Amanda nodded but Liv still wasn't satisfied with the answer. She didn't get a chance to ask again though as Amanda spun around and told Keith to start over.

The chance that this perp would strike again for a third time this week wasn't that high but they didn't want to take the chance with an unsuspected victim out there. It was Thursday, still a week day which was his pattern. Keith's plan was good, he had a lot of experience from various operations with both SVU and Vice. He also had a past as a bartender at his uncle's bar so Liv posted him behind the bar at the place Amanda would go to later tonight. Liv had called in another detective Amanda's age to keep her company and act as her friend, she was biracial so would hopefully not be targeted but they would of course take precautions. Nick would be in the bar as well as just another customer while Fin and Liv sat outside listening in. Two other detectives would join them, one inside the bar and one outside in a plain car.

Fin was still on the fence but everything moved so hastily he just had to roll with it. If his partner and best friend would be out there it was important the plan was solid so he did his best to get his head in the game. Liv had sent Amanda down to their storage to pick out an outfit for the night. All the victims had been dressed for a night out on the town, in outfits the court surely would question if this case ever went to trial but Liv told Amanda to pick out something she felt comfortable wearing.

Liv was forced to send Fin and Nick out to check up on a lead in another case but they were back in good time before tonight's action. Liv checked in with them to find out what they'd found and then she asked Fin to step in to her office just briefly.

"Something up?" he asked with some worry to his voice as she closed the door behind them.  
"I just wanted to…" she started but as she hadn't planned exactly how to ask she tried to come up with the rest as she walked around her desk. Once there though she froze as she faced him and a kind smile formed across her face. He smiled back but felt a little confused.

"Will she handle this?" she asked without losing her smile.  
"She says she does," he said after a couple of missed beats. Liv's smile faded slightly.  
"Yeah but I'm asking _you_ if she will handle this," Liv said. Fin broke their gaze and sighed as he put his hands on one of her visitor's chair and let it carry some of his weight.

"We have to trust her," Fin said and faced Liv again. Liv's smile had faded completely and that concerned look was back on her face.  
"She'll have us every step of the way," Fin said as he felt as though he needed to reassure her, perhaps reassure them both.  
"We'll have her back," he said and shot Liv a smile. Liv nodded and was able to smile again. Fin walked out of her office after she'd asked him to check on his partner. Liv told him she was getting dressed in the bunks and also informed him she'd ordered dinner for them that would arrive shortly. Fin said he would fetch Amanda and walked down the hall.

He knocked softly on the door to the bunks and waited for her to give him the go-ahead. Once he heard her voice on the other side of the door he walked in.

"Wowsa," slipped out through his lips once he caught the looks of her and his eyes were far below hers. He shut the door without letting her go with his eyes.  
"I'll take that as I pass," she chuckled slightly and spun back around towards the mirror to finish applying her mascara.

He was still checking out her bare, toned legs that looked sky high in the heels and short skirt she was in. His eyes wandered up her body as he approached her. She skirt was black, looked shiny and matched the material in the red top she was wearing. The top covered her back but the outline of her black bra shined through in this light. He figured that might be on purpose though. The sleeves were short with a split at the shoulder which made the fabric fall down on either side of her lean arm muscle. He liked seeing her with short sleeves and his eyes wandered down the soft skin on her arm all the way to where her hand was applying eye make-up.

He'd reached her by now and caught her eyes in the mirror as his hand landed on her bare shoulder. They smiled at each other as his fingers squeezed her fondly. His eyes went down the soft blonde curls that flow down her back. She'd put a pin on one side of her head that held the curls away from her face. He caught her reflection in the mirror again. He hadn't seen her in this make-up since…

He got an unsettling feeling in his gut as he recalled the last time he'd seen her like this. She hadn't been in a good place then.

"You okay?" she asked bringing him back to present. He quickly gave her a nod accompanied by a smile.  
"You look great," he said as she walked over to the nearest bunk, "you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I do," she said and sounded honest enough. He watched her as she thread a pair of rather large hoops through her ears. He couldn't help but have a look down her cleavage as well. She'd left three buttons undone and her black bra peeked up in the gap. He caught her rolling her eyes at him but it only made his grin wider.

She slipped on a bunch of metal bracelets on one hand and then put just as many on her other.

"Will this cover them up some?" she asked putting down her arms so the bracelets fell down over her hands.  
"I've told you already, you barely take notice of them," he reassured her, "and the lighting in there will be soft at best."

She didn't look as convinced but she straighten up her back as he walked over to her. He put a light finger on her chest and slowly let it wonder up her soft skin, let it slide along her collarbone and then up the side of her throat. His finger traced her jawline and then he took a soft grip around her chin. His eyes lingered on her red lips but then went up to catch her eyes.

"You could bait a blind eunuch," he smiled, "and we'll be right there with you."

He got a little serious looking as he continued;  
"If you at any time feel uncomfortable you can call it off," he said and put a finger above her lip as she was about to object, "_Any_ discomfort or bad gut feelings just let me know and I'll pull you out of there. Got it?"

He got her to nod and he hoped she knew no one would hold it against her if she wanted to quit.

"Okay, cover yourself up a bit or the guys won't be able to focus on any of the grub Liv's ordered for us. She wants us to sit down and eat as we go through the plan one last time," he said as he let her go. She chuckled but grabbed her hoodie from her locker, put it on and then zipped it all the way up.

"Where are you going to hide the wire?" he said on their way out with a grin as he leaned back to have a look at her backside.  
"Oh don't you worry about that," she said slapping his arm to get him to turn his eyes forward.

Liv had set everything up in the interview room. It got crowded with everyone in there but they made it work. Amanda said hi to her date for the night, detective Angela Quan that was on loan from Vice. She was used to stings like this and had dressed the part. Fin meanwhile got a plate set for Amanda and as he handed it to her he offered Angela to make one for her too which she gladly accepted. Keith had hurried to shovel food in to his mouth as Liv had asked him to stand with her at the board while they went through tonight's events.

Liv made sure she had everyone's attention and then let Keith start them off. He would head over to the bar as soon as they were done in there and Nick would walk in right before Amanda and Angela went in and then sit by the bar during the night. Keith would make sure to serve them nonalcoholic drinks for the entire night. They planned to stick around for at least two hours. Angela would leave first and get picked up by the detective in the plain car to make sure she wasn't targeted. Amanda would head out soon thereafter and head down the same path as one of the previous victims.

The chance that he struck two nights in a row wasn't great but Liv made sure everyone knew to stay alert at all times. They planned to continue next week if tonight's efforts gave nothing. So far the perp hadn't struck on weekends and they hoped he stuck to his pattern at least on that note.

Once they were done Amanda managed to catch Keith before he headed out and just stepped to the side with him.

"The first drink," she said biting her lip slightly as she looked around to make sure no one was listening, "could you…"  
"Just a splash of the real deal?" he asked and she nodded feeling relief that she didn't have to say it herself.  
"No problem," he said giving her arm a squeeze. He shot her a smile and then headed out.

"Everything okay?" Liv said catching Amanda in the door to the interview room as she headed back inside. Amanda nodded eagerly.  
"No qualms about doing this?" Liv asked. Amanda quickly shook her head.  
"It would be nice to hear you say it," Liv smiled tilting her head slightly.  
"No qualms," Amanda said and tried her best to give Liv a reassuring smile.

Liv felt like telling her that it was okay to call it off at any point but she feared Amanda would start to think then that she didn't trust her to pull this off and right now she figured Amanda needed all reinforcements she could gather so she kept quiet.

A tech guy took Amanda and Angela to the side and wired them. They would both wear devices that made the squad able to listen in and then earpieces that would make them able to hear any directives or information they might need during the night.

Amanda and Angela showed up at the bar in perfect time for after work just as previous victims had. Amanda felt tense, seeing Keith behind the bar and Nick sitting by the bar didn't ease her tension. Angela played her part well though and guided Amanda towards the bar, shielding her from the many suits that they had to pass to get there.

"What can I get your lovely ladies tonight?" Keith smiled as they landed on a chair each.  
"Two of whatever gets us started the quickest and then keep 'em coming sweetheart," Angela said loudly and with a bright smile across her face. Keith winked at her and then walked away to get them their drinks.

Angela put a soft hand on Amanda's arm having caught her staking the place out and Amanda blushed slightly as she turned her attention to her company. Angela leaned in close to her ear and said;  
"Let's at least have fun doing this."

She had that bright smile still on her face as she connected with Amanda's eyes again. Keith came back to them and he locked eyes with Amanda as he pushed one of the glasses closer to her. She shot him a smile and then hurried to grab the glass appointed to her.

"Just give me a wave when you're ready for the next round," he said.  
"Oh you'll hear me hollering sweet cheeks," Angela teased and Keith looked very amused as he went to serve another customer.

Angela quickly turned her attention back to Amanda and raised her glass at her. They put their glasses together and then had a taste of what Keith had served them. Amanda could taste the slight splash of alcohol and instantly felt a little more at ease. _You can do this_.

It didn't take long until a small group consisting of three well groomed men with ties loosen at their necks had joined them by the bar. Angela engaged them in a little small talk when Amanda remained quiet. One of the men was leaning on the back of Amanda's chair coming so close she thought she could feel the heat from his body and whenever he had a taste of his drink he brushed up against her hair. She had a hard time focusing on anything except his proximity and she'd downed her entire drink.

Angela introduced herself and Amanda while Amanda tried to catch Keith's attention. She ignored one of the guys as he extended a hand towards her and she instead leaned across the bar signaling Keith. She pierced her eyes in him and he gave her a nod. She sat down hoping he got her meaning.

"Eager to get drunk tonight?" she heard the man behind her whisper close to her ear.  
"Not different from any other night," she said over her shoulder. The man chuckled but Amanda had a hard time even smiling. She felt some relief when Keith came over carrying two glasses. He put one down by Angela's still half full glass and then slid the other one over at Amanda.

"Thanks," she said hurrying to put the glass up to her lips. She shot him an appreciating glance over the rim of the glass as she felt the touch of alcohol in her drink. _You can do this_.

* * *

"She's uncomfortable," Fin said out in the van and got up on his feet putting his hands on top of his head. He sighed heavily. They had a live feed from a surveillance camera behind the bar and Fin had seen Amanda struggle since she entered the bar. He knew she disliked close circuits, she probably felt cramped in there and all he wanted was to pull her out.

"Give her time," Liv said keeping her eyes on the monitor.

* * *

"So what do you ladies do when you're not out getting drunk and chatting up strange men in a bar?" the guy next to Angela asked. Since Angela had been doing most the talking so far the question was directed at her but she looked to Amanda and Amanda knew she had to get her head in the game.

"She's a receptionist," Amanda said smiling, "and I'm a secretary."  
"What kind of secretary?" the guy behind her asked. She shot him a look over her shoulder.  
"The slutty kind," she said unfolding her legs only to fold them the other way, "but I actually can type."

That earned her chuckles, both in the bar and one out in the van.

**An hour later** they were joined by a second group of guys out after work having a drink and blowing of a little steam. The first group had left after they'd realized there would be no hooking up with these two ladies tonight. Amanda had played her part well, acted interested and willing until a hand landed on her thigh or crept up her side and then she'd backed up only to gone back to teasing just enough to wear them down.

Angela and Amanda had talked a little, laughed out loud at nothing specific and flirted a little with Keith as he came up with another round for them. The next group that came up to them started out a little larger but soon there were only two guys left. They suggested a game of pool and Amanda happily accepted for both of them. Amanda felt Nick's eyes on her as she walked by him and she also felt the hand of the guy walking right behind her slide down a little too low on her backside. She wasn't sure it was okay for her to enjoy the touch as much as she did or this little game she played. Being able to tease and then to say no, to put a stop to it gave her a little rush. She liked feeling in control.

Playing pool proved itself hard though since she didn't want to risk them seeing the ugly scars on her hands. So she made a very hasty and poor shot and then left the game to Angela and her guy as she retreated to a table nearby with her guy. She kept up the shameless flirting but kept pulling back whenever the guy got too close. He asked her what she wanted to drink when her glass became empty and she told him the cute bartender would know her preference.

While he was gone she went back to Angela and the pool table where she soon was joined by another few faces out to socialize and perhaps a little more.

**Meanwhile Nick** and the rest of the crew had tried to spot any suspicious movement in the bar. They saw plenty of guys paying both Amanda and Angela attention, could be they were just loud at times or the fact the count of males in this bar highly outnumbered the females. Liv checked in with both Keith and Nick if they had anything but she got a negative response from both of them. They saw nothing out of the ordinary.

Keith got called over by a guy at the bar and walked over hoping he hadn't caught him talking in to his arm watch like a secret spy or something.

"The pretty blonde by the pool table told me you'd know what she wants," the guy said leaning over the bar a little.  
"Oh I think we both know what she wants right?" Keith winked, making the guy snort as he started to chuckle. Nick was in hearing range though and Keith caught the stern look he shot him.

"And what can I get for the gentleman?" Keith asked a bit more refined.  
"Oh I'm no gentleman but get me a beer thanks," the guy smiled as he turned to lean on the bar as he waited to be served.

**The guy pushed** his way through a few suitors as he came back to Amanda and handed her the drink. She thanked him but he'd lost his chance as she now was focused on another guy. After a while Angela cut in to the conversation Amanda was having with a guy who was bragging about how many famous clients he had sold houses to. Amanda was only happy to be asked to escort her "friend" to the little girl's room. They guy told her to hurry back to him and she flashed him a smile over her shoulder as they made their way over to the bathrooms.

Amanda stumbled on a slight ledge that took them in to a hallway that lead down to the toilets. Angela already had her arm hooked underneath Amanda's in a way you often saw girlfriends and she caught her even though Amanda was far from tripping over.

"You okay there?" Angela asked a bit worryingly though catching Amanda's eyes. Amanda nodded but realized she had to wise up a little. She did feel a little buzz even though she was pretty sure Keith had only given her just the splash of real deal she'd asked him for.

"You sure?" Angela asked as they reached the ladies bathroom.  
"I'm sure," Amanda said trying to sound reassuring and then let Angela go as she went through the door. Amanda went in to one of the stalls as she suddenly felt the need to actually use the toilet and Angela had a look underneath the other two stall doors to make sure they were alone in there.

"I was thinking of heading out in a little while," Angela said as she washed her hands just cause she felt like it.  
"Okay," Amanda answered from behind the door. She hoped her voice didn't give away any of the apprehension she felt by the notion of being left alone. Even though she'd handled one-on-one conversations during the night it had still felt good seeing Angela there nearby. She tried to focus on the fact Nick would still be around, and Keith was behind the bar.

"You won't be alone though," she heard Angela say through the door just as though she'd been able to read her mind.  
"I know," she said as she flushed. She made sure her skirt was properly down before she stepped out. Angela was facing her as she stepped out, leaning against the sinks.

"I'll be outside as well, we have your back," Angela said a little quieter when Amanda stepped up next to her to wash her hands. Amanda shot her a quick sideway glance and a brief smile to acknowledge her. She knew they would but it still didn't make her less nervous. _She would leave this bar alone. Someone might be stalking her and that someone might put a knife against her throat and push her to the ground with the intent to rape her. She couldn't do this._

"Ready?" Angela asked as she handed Amanda a paper towel from the wall. Amanda nodded, doing her best to smile and then they went outside again. Angela's arm was back underneath her arm and Amanda tried to soak some of that security Angela seemed to radiate. Angela took them back to the bar just so they could make one last order and then they made their way to another corner of the bar just so they could make sure everyone in the bar had seen them.

It didn't take long until some of the guys from around the pool table had tracked them down again though. They engaged in conversation with them again and Amanda found herself sliding back to that place where she quite enjoyed having the power to set her own boundaries. She was sitting almost back to back with Angela, both engaged with at least one guy on their side.

Too soon though she felt Angela's hand caressing the side of her arm.

"I really have to head out now sweetie," Angela mused as Amanda turned to face her.  
"Already?" Amanda said acting a little disappointed, pouting her lower lip to add to the act.  
"I know but I got a busy day tomorrow Mands," Angela said giving her a hug, "and Patric is picking me up."

"You want a lift or are you sticking around?" Angela asked when she let her go.  
"I might…" Amanda threw a quick look over her shoulder only to get eyes on two guys looking a little like two eager pups down by a dinner table and she couldn't help but giggle in a way that wasn't an act but that she hoped she could sell as an act to the one listening in.

"Might just stick around for a bit," Amanda said turning back thinking she heard a cheer behind her but wasn't sure if it was just her imagination.  
"Okay sweetie, talk to you tomorrow?" Angela said as she stood up but then waited to get a nod from her before she took off.

"Nice talking to you, take good care of her you hear," Angela winked at the guys as she took to the door. She would stay right outside the door until the plain car picked her up. Angela looked nothing like previous victims but they still had to make sure she wasn't targeted.

"So tell my mate here about that time you caught your boss in the copy room," the guy next to Amanda said and he gestured to a new face that had joined them.  
"You're going to love this," he said to his mate.  
"You really get off on dirty stories don't you," Amanda smiled cheekily at him.  
"When you tell them," he countered, rubbing up against her arm as his hand once again rested right by her ass on the seat.

She took to the bar not long thereafter just to get away from the somewhat slimy guy and the hand that wouldn't stop connecting with her ass even though she constantly removed it or herself from it. A guy stalked her over to the bar, talking her ear off as she pretended to settle the tab with Keith. She handed him her card knowing he wouldn't charge it but just to act like he would.

"Don't tell me you're leaving already," another guy said coming up on her other side.  
"Afraid so," she said pouting her lips a little, "Will you miss me?"  
"I wouldn't have to if you let me take you somewhere a little quieter," the guy suggested and Amanda giggled throwing her head back a little.

"Sorry but no," she said instantly making the guy's face drop, "maybe I'll see you around though? I like this place, might be back."  
"Might?" the guy said disappointed, "Give me your number so we can make sure."

She had to give it to him, he was being a little charming and he had the eyes to match it. So far she'd been taking numbers and not giving any but she figured it couldn't hurt to break the routine in case someone was watching her. Keith came back with her card and she asked him for a pen.

"Give me your arm," she said to the guy once she had the pen in her hand. He quickly folded his shirt up and gave her what she wanted. She scribbled down random numbers on his hairy arm and ended the row with a somewhat crooked heart. He smiled looking at her scribble and she felt a little bad deceiving him. But he was cute, he would score again. He looked like he wanted to give her hand a kiss in a very gentlemanly way but fearing he would see her scar then she instead leaned in and gave his cheek a kiss. She could feel him trying to turn his mouth closer to hers but she'd already left him when he was able to. He still smiled though and played with his eyebrows, patted his arm and then walked back to his friends.

"What about me?" the guy to her left, that she'd completely forgotten about, said with a sullen look.  
"You'll be okay," she said patting his cheek and then she turned to Keith and close to hollered a 'thank you and good night'.

Keith gave her a wave as he hung some newly washed glasses above the bar but his eyes were focused on anyone that might be leaving the bar behind her. Nick was also keeping his eyes open. Fin had gotten out of the van across the street from the bar and was waiting in the dark alley next to it. Nick would also leave the bar a couple of minutes after Amanda and be ready on foot in case the perp attacked her.

Amanda stepped out in to the somewhat cool air. She liked the slight breeze but needed the air to be chillier if it would bring her body temperature down. The breeze took a hold of her skirt and she whisked it down quickly. She tried to find Fin in the shadows across the street, knowing he was really there would calm her she was sure but her eyes couldn't descry him. _You can do this_.

She got pulled from her thoughts by someone stumbling in to her. She hadn't moved away from the door and was in the middle of the way so she couldn't be cross on whoever it was. He immediately blurted out an excuse and when she turned her head she recognized him from the bar earlier.

"Change your mind?" he smiled but continued when she looked puzzled, "Going back inside again?"

Her face broke in to a smile as she shook her head.

"Nah, calling it a night," she said taking a step further out to the curb.  
"Where you heading? Want to share a cab?" he asked stepping right out after her. She gave him a look, his jacket had a hood but it didn't look like the type of hood the victims had described. She let her eyes wander up to the starry night. She felt a slight chill go up her back but still didn't feel like putting on her jacket.

"No I think I'll take a walk in what might be one of the last warm nights we'll get," she smiled. He raised his eyebrows.

"That's one brave woman, challenging the harsh street of New York."  
"I think I can handle it," she said giving him one last look before she started her walk down the road. Part of her wanted this guy to follow her. If he was the one her surveillance would easily pick him up and the moment he pulled the hood up and went for something in his pocket they would surely jump in.

"_Fin's on foot, you got two cars following you._" She heard Liv's voice in her ear. She took a deep breath and just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. She had to act casual, stay away from the dark corners along the street but still act casual. _You can do this_.

It was rare that you ever felt alone in New York City. _She couldn't remember a time when she'd ever felt lonely while out on the streets. Perhaps when walking down to that shady part of Far Rockaway where Gordon had stashed her. But there had been people around, it was just she'd felt so very alone then, like she had no one. Now she had Fin somewhere across the street, surely keeping his eyes on her. Liv was in the van, another couple detectives in plain cars following her. She wasn't alone but yet the street felt empty, like every shadow, every creepy sound that sneaked up on her was out to get her. Wanted to devour her. Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. _

Amanda jumped by a ruckus coming from within the alley she just passed. It sounded like a pile of cans tumbling to the ground. Her heart jumped from an already high 100 to at least 120 and she caught herself close to hyperventilating.

"_No one's following you. Just stay alert._" Liv's voice in her ear again and Amanda tried to get a grip. She straighten up and moved back to the middle of the sidewalk again, away from the curb she'd almost stumbled down from. _She wished she could see Fin but he was lost in whatever shadow he was hiding in. Be sober, be vigilant_.

There was a row of cars coming up and she felt as though she moved in to a funnel, this would be a perfect place for him to strike. Anyone on the other side of the road wouldn't see her go down. _But maybe he waited for the exact point where he'd attacked victim number two?_ She was just a block away. She knew the place well, she'd help search the place as she arrived just as the ambulance drove the victim away. She recalled the blood spill on the pavement, the victim's pants thrown to the side like some dirty rag. He didn't take trophies. _Why didn't he take trophies? Most serials did. He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy._

She realized she'd passed the parked cars without getting jumped but then her heart beat rose again as she caught sight of the crime scene up ahead. _Get your head in the game Amanda. He could be waiting there. But then how could he have been at the bar? Surely he couldn't know she was going to walk this exact way?_ She tried to see through the shadows of that small courtyard. _Was he watching her? The evil deeds of a wicked…_

She spun around quickly as a sound echoed down the street again. She gasped for air as she thought she felt a present in front of her instead and she spun back around quickly. Too quickly, and she almost lost her balance. No one was in front of her, no one was in that courtyard, she could see through the shadows now. She took a deep breath and tried to focus ahead. _She wished for Liv's reassuring voice in her ear telling her no one was following. Or that she wasn't making an ass of herself jumping at shadows. She could scare this beast off if she acted weird. None of the other victims had felt scared on their way home, none have feared the darkness or the potential threat walking home alone. She was ruining this._

For a short second she'd spaced out and forgot where she was headed and she almost took the wrong turn but caught herself at the last second. A group of intoxicated people came down the street, heading for her. The sound of their voices and wobbly walk told her they were intoxicated. They all greeted her as they passed her and one guy grabbed her hands and took her for a short spin. She smiled, relaxed for a second but then tensed up as soon as the guy had left her to continue on her way.

"_There's a man approaching from behind._" Amanda heard Liv say just as she turned to keep walking down the street. She tried to keep walking casually. She hadn't seen anyone as she'd looked back at the group that just passed her. How could she have missed that?

"_He could be the one, stay alert Amanda._" Liv said in to her ear and Amanda moved a little more towards the curb as she kept walking. She focused her eyes forward but kept listening for sounds behind her. It didn't take long until she felt the presence behind her. She couldn't hear his footsteps but a light at the corner made his long shadow fluttered over the wall next to her. A car passed and she lost track of him. The next second the figure passed her and kept walking. She kept walking too, expected him to perhaps turn back around once the car was out of sight. He had a hood up but both his face and hair had been visible and she'd gotten a good look at him. _He didn't look like a thug but she'd learnt the boy next door could be a vicious killer and the decent school teacher could be a sadistic rapist. Evil lingered everywhere._

The young man turned the same corner she was going and Amanda saw one of their own cars pass and drive ahead. For the first time she spotted Fin moving a little hastier on the other side of the street as he too tried to get ahead to see if the man would be waiting. He disappeared back in to the shadows further up but she felt safer just knowing he was really there.

"_He wasn't the one. Stay alert though_." Liv came back to her. Amanda wasn't sure just how they'd been able to rule the man out but she didn't doubt them and focused on the staying alert part. She only had two more blocks to go. She thought she'd really wanted to catch this guy but suddenly it became about making it to the finish line. It felt as though she was playing a game and with the simple task of making it unharmed to the goal.

Her heart pounded harder those last two blocks, she had to remind herself to keep walking and not to rush. Every shadow turned to figures out to get her. She couldn't hear anything but her own breathing and her thoughts got close to ridiculous as bizarre images popped up in her mind on ways the game would find a way to destroy her. Not until she reached the door and was able to close it behind her did the craziness stop. She hurried further in and the moment she was out of sight from the street she pressed her back against a wall trying to get her breathing back to normal without panting.

"_Stay put Amanda. Fin will come get you_." Liv said in to her ear as Amanda pressed her palms against the cool wall behind her. It didn't take long until she heard the gate open and close.

"Amanda?" Fin called out.  
"In here," Amanda breathed and forced herself to leave the wall. She barely made it off the wall before Fin popped up around the corner.

"You okay?" he asked thinking she looked pale in the poor lighting. She nodded.  
"Wish we'd hooked him though," she said trying to sound more disappointed than she felt.  
"There was only a slim chance he'd be out two nights in a row," Fin said as he grabbed a hold of her arm and squeezed it gently.  
"Liv's waiting downstairs for us," he let her know and then guided her towards the stairs.

Liv had told the driver of the van to drive down in to the garage and as planned they were waiting for Fin and Amanda as they got down there. Liv had gotten out and waited with the back door open for them.

"Everything okay?" she asked even before they reached the car. Fin nodded.  
"Yeah," Amanda said, "sorry I couldn't hook him."

"It's not your fault, you did great," Liv said touching Amanda's arm softly when she got close enough. Liv tried to hold her eyes but Amanda turned her head down.  
"Hey," Liv said demanding her to look back up, "it's not your fault." She said it so sincerely Amanda couldn't doubt her and she nodded to let Liv know she got it.

Amanda jumped in to the van ahead of Liv and Fin got in last. Liv told the driver he could take off again once she'd seen Amanda taken a seat.

"Any word from the street? Any reports of assaults elsewhere?" Amanda asked once Liv had a seat as well. Liv shook her head.  
"Nothing so far and I've got extra patrol cars circling the area now. My guess he stayed in tonight. Are you up for trying again on Monday?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded quickly. She figured Liv couldn't be all disappointed with her if she asked her to go out again.

"Good," Liv smiled and then asked them if they wanted a ride home or to be dropped at the station where Fin's car was still parked. Fin looked at Amanda but then decided that they would accept the ride home. It was not that late but Amanda looked a little bushed so he made the decision for them. Liv paid a visit to the driver again to give him Fin's address. Liv checked in with Nick and asked him to handle the rest of the operatives. She also let him know they would give this another shot on Monday night and to inform the others that they were more than welcome to join them again if they wanted to.

Fin meanwhile helped Amanda get out of her wires. Once they were done Amanda got her jacket on.

"You cold?" Fin asked but Amanda shook her head.  
"Jacket's fine," she said.

**They were soon** outside Fin's building and Liv sent them off with a 'good job' and 'come in a little later tomorrow'. Fin said good night while Amanda stuck to just giving her a smile as she hugged her jacket a little closer around herself.

"You look cold," Fin said as they walked up to the door and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  
"I'm fine," Amanda said rolling her eyes at him and pushed his arm away firmly but then gave him a look so he'd know she still appreciated his concern.

"Fine was never in question," he said giving her a cheeky look and his eyes went down her body when she shot him a look. She chuckled but just continued towards the elevator.

"So how did that feel?" he asked once they were inside their apartment. She'd ducked down on the floor to get out of her heels, the strap around her ankle was a little tricky. She looked up, a little confused by his question.

"It's the first time you've been… well you know since…" he was a little relieved she seemed to get it without him really having to say it. She shrugged slightly as she went back to undoing one of the straps.

"It felt okay," she said a bit evasive. He hung his jacket and then went in ahead of her.  
"You seemed okay," he said, raising his voice a little so she would hear him, "Eased in to all of it just fine."  
"You really think so?" she asked following him inside once her shoes were off and she'd hung her jacket next to his.  
"Yeah," he said convincingly and faced her as she entered the kitchen. He'd opened up the fridge and she sneaked in under his arm and grabbed a soda from within.

"It was…" he said watching his words a little, "…nice seeing you relaxed, and fun to hear you interact like that."  
"Like a total tease," she said. He got a little worried she'd taken it wrong but she had a smile on her face as he faced her. She'd poured some of the soda in a glass and handed him the can. He closed the fridge and took it from her.

"So you had a little fun doing it, I'm glad," he said and walked in to the living room to turn the TV on. He sat down in the middle of the couch with a heavy sigh and managed to spill some soda over himself. He just wiped it off though and got the TV on before he had a taste.

Amanda watched him from the kitchen while slowly drinking from her glass. _She did have fun tonight. She'd freaked out a few times but in-between she did have fun. _She put her empty glass in the sink, grabbed her phone off the counter and walked over to him. She got up on the couch arm and made sure there were no new texts or other incoming messages. She took a deep breath of relief and looked over at the TV screen instead. Fin was watching some basketball game and any other day it might have caught her attention too but not tonight.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," she said and he gave her a careless 'aha' without looking at her. She left her phone on the table and walked down the hall. She found herself tip toeing down, her hands swiping down her skirt. She liked that skirt, she liked how the shiny material felt against her skin and how it made her legs look long and pretty. _She_ felt pretty in it. It did give perhaps a little too easy access to her but she didn't really mind that either.

Once inside the bathroom she caught herself smiling as she saw her own reflection in the mirror. Her hand went up to her hair and she dragged her fingers a little through it. Not too much though, she liked the curls, thought about not washing her hair so they would still be there in the morning. Her makeup was still in place and her fingers went swiftly over her lips.

Her eyes stayed on her face for a while. She didn't mind what she saw. She didn't look slutty, she thought she just looked rather… pretty. Her eyes wandered down her neck, to her collarbone that peeked out thanks to the undone buttons in her blouse. Her bra shined through the red fabric but she just chuckled slightly at the thought that she might've looked a little slutty after all.

Her fingers ran down her own breast, lingered a little right above her nipple and felt it tense up a little. She caught her eyes in the mirror though and quickly let her hand dropp down to the washbowl where the other one was already resting. She swallowed hard watching her own reflection again. She separated her lips slightly, tried a smile. _She shouldn't be so hard on herself_. Doctor Olivet's words echoed through her head.

"_It's okay to feel okay Amanda. It's even okay for you to feel happy. Your sister won't judge you for feeling happy. Don't you think she would want you to be happy?" _

Amanda turned away from the mirror and walked back down the hall. She hesitated at the corner but then took just one step around it. He didn't sense her presence at first so she took another tiny step, still not far enough for her hand to drop from where it rested on the wall right by the corner.

Someone missed a foul shot in the game and Fin grunted, his head going her way as he rolled his eyes and he caught her figure out of the corner of her eye.

"I thought you were taking a shower," he said looking straight at her. She didn't answer and his eyes narrowed. She knew he was waiting for her to say or do something.  
"I liked the way I looked in this," she said letting the wall go so her hand could go down her blouse and skirt.  
"I liked the way you looked in that too," he said but with a slight hesitation to his voice.

"Someone said I had great legs," she said taking a step closer to him.  
"You _do_ have great legs," he said, without any hesitation this time and he sat up a little straighter on the couch. Her eyes had gone down her own body and she'd started wiping down her skirt like she'd done before. Fin leaned over so he could place his can on the table. He wasn't really sure what was going on right now and it made him feel a little uneasy.

"So I thought I would just stay in this moment for a little while longer," she suddenly blurted out and her eyes popped up again, "that's not wrong is it?"

He slowly shook his head and he turned a little on the couch so he could get a better view of her. She'd grabbed a hold of her skirt and lifted it slightly as she tip toed further in to the room. He reminded her a little of someone that felt dressed up. Perhaps of a little girl pretending she was something she wasn't. _No he didn't see anything wrong in her staying in that moment for a little longer, for her to feel good and a little bit carefree for a while longer._

His eyes came back up from those legs of hers, his aim had been her eyes but his got caught on her mouth as she was wetting her lips in a way he found very erotic. Her tongue flickered out over them, her lip disappeared underneath that perfect row of white tees and then the tongue came out again. The saliva left on her lips made them look even redder and they shinned in the soft light of the room.

He wanted to ask her to come over to him but he wasn't sure he should or even if he would be able to utter the words as his throat felt a little clogged up. His heart started pounding even harder though as she started to make her way over to him. He straighten up on the couch, placed himself forward again and he placed his hands to the side as she got her knee up on the couch next to one of his legs. She was still holding on to her skirt and lifted it up slightly so she could get her other knee up on the other side of him. _He wasn't sure where to rest his eyes, those legs, what was hidden just underneath that skirt's hem, that bra shining through her top, all those blonde curls, that tooth biting down into that wet lower lip of hers, those intense eyes between sultry eyelashes. Too much good placed on top of him all at once. _

His hands couldn't stay still on the couch and he swiped them along her calves as soon as she'd sat down on top of him. He let them go down her legs again, afraid that if he went further he wouldn't be able to restrain himself. His head rested against the couch giving him a perfect view of her. The light shined through her hair, and through that sheer blouse of hers. She was on fire, yellow and red glowing around her.

"I liked being a tease," she whispered and it made something stir inside of him from the bottom of his feet up all the way to the top of his head. He felt flushed, blood pumping hard and fast to various parts of his body.

Her hands went up his chest, got to his neck and snaked around it with soft but craving fingers. Her eyes went back and forth from his mouth to his eyes. He could tell her breathing was strained, her chest raising and falling heavily.

"The everything but girl," she whispered, her mouth now so close to his he felt the warm breath over his already flustered skin.

He couldn't help it as his hands wandered further up. Fingertips with a slight hint of nails dragged up over her thighs, disappearing underneath her skirt. He couldn't reach her ass without bending forward and right now he didn't dare to move so his hands stayed on each side of her. His palms spread out over her warm skin, big enough paws to have some of his fingers curl in underneath her.

She let out another heavy breath and the air filled his mouth as his lips were now slightly parted. He feared she would pull away, that this would be another failed attempt and that he at any moment would lose this heavenly creature plumped up on his lap. He was even more fearful he wouldn't be able to let her go though, that he would crave more than she could give and that his body would take over his mind. He couldn't let that happen and he started to let his hands run down her legs again, coming back to her knees.

But then her mouth was suddenly on his, her hands around his cheeks as she pressed herself hard against him and then her tongue came out to play. He let her in and pressed himself just as hard up against her. His hands quickly went up her legs again and when his hands were around her butt cheeks he pushed her further up against all of him. He heard and felt the gasp that escaped her but she didn't let him go. Her hands snaked around his neck again, caressing his skin and up over the back of his head.

He held her tight, enjoyed the slight movement in her hip that rubbed up against him if even so slightly. He massaged her butt cheeks, tried to keep from pushing her further down on top of him. _Her pace_, he reminded himself.

Her mouth wasn't holding anything back tonight though. Her tongue found every cavity in his mouth, played around his and she invited his inside her by latching on to it and sucking it in. When she finally needed air, both of them did, she was the one that pushed his head down over her neck and it was her hands pressing him against her as his lips and tongue played around over her sensitive skin. One of his hands went up over her back, helping her stay upright as she arched her back and made him follow her forward.

She pushed him further down, his teeth made a visit to her collarbone before his mouth continued further down that modest cleavage of hers. His lips and teeth played with the fabric that was in his way. Another button in her blouse broke free and now it was only the fabric in the bra between his mouth and that hard knob on top of that bulge. The fabric was so sheer though he decided to not bother with it and just let his tongue flicker over her nipple a few times before he draped it with his entire mouth, soaking up the fabric as he sucked hard.

She gasped again and he had to really hold her up as she fell even further backwards. She'd soon found her bearing though and pressed herself up against him again. Feeling she still had the desire he quickly moved over to her other bulge and this time used his teeth to really tease her nipple. The gasp became a slight whimper this time and he switched his teeth for his lips to make the sensation less painful. He felt her nails dig in to his back as his mouth gave this nipple the same treatment as the other one. He left the fabric damp as he started his way up her neck. He bit down on the vein in her neck but then came up to meet her mouth again.

The kiss got passionately instantly as they sucked each other's air. Her tongue was rough and demanding, her nails more frequent over his back. She suddenly viciously pushed him back down against the couch and he feared for a moment it was time to quit but instead her hands grabbed for his tee and he helped her get it off by raising his hands in the air as soon as she had a good grip on his tee. He watched her face meanwhile, her eyes were focused on the task at hand but he saw desire all over her face and couldn't help but smile.

Her lips crashed down on his chest, immediately attacking one of his nipples. He briefly put his head back, closed his eyes as he enjoyed the feeling of her mouth, tongue and teeth playing with him and her hands roaming over his entire chest, every now and then digging down her nails in a most delightful way. He had to look at her though and got up, his hand finding its way into that head of blonde curls while her mouth continued tasting different parts of his chest. His other hand found its way up her skirt again, softly caressing her thigh with his fingertips on the way up and his nails on the way down again.

She soon came up to his mouth again and she climbed a little further up on him, making her sit right on top of the evident bulge in his pants. Her mouth wasn't as eager this time, her tongue and lips mostly playing on the outside of his mouth. Their eyes connected, they were still a little too close to clearly be able to focus on each other but he could clearly see her red cheeks and, even though it was slightly less evident, he still saw desire across her face.

"I don't want to be _just_ a tease," she whispered and he wasn't sure if it was her steaming hot breath or her words that sent shivers through his entire body. The hand that had been in her hair came forward and cupped her cheek. He caressed her cheek fondly while their mouths kept having small tastes of each other.

He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want that either. _God he didn't want that_. Right now his entire body screamed for her, _why couldn't he let her know that?_ But she surely most know already. She must be able to feel just how much his body wanted her right now. He knew she knew, really knew, once her fingers started to slowly feel their down between them. He held her eyes, their mouths just resting next to each other and it felt as both of them held their breaths with anticipation of what would come next.

She made the passage over him with her fingers and then he felt her palm press down against him. He had to take a breath as she slowly stroked down his member. It was a long, stumbling breath that along with his intense eyes gave away just how much he longed for her. Once her hand folded around him though he could tell her face lost some of that courage she seemed to have scrambled up from somewhere. She kept stroking him but her touch felt insecure and it reminded him of someone doing something for the first time. He felt her lip shiver and knew he had to do something, he couldn't let her force herself through this.

He grabbed her wrist gently, tried to pull her hand back up but then her face got stubborn and she made a slight objective whine. He let his lips brush up against hers though, to silence her but also cause he felt like kissing her again.

"Let me…" he whispered. Her face got a little puzzled but her hand lost fight and he was able to bring it up to his chest.  
"Let _me_ touch _you_," he explained, stroking the back of her hand where it now rested on his chest. She swallowed hard. He caught her lips again, this time a little harder and gave her a proper kiss. Once he opened his eyes again hers were still open, gazing tentative at him.

"Will you let me touch you?" he asked needing her consent. He had a hard time reading her face, she looked reluctant but still willing somehow. And then she nodded carefully. He raised his eyebrow slightly, his entire face asking for further approval and she started nodding a little more assertive. He tried to contain his smile and to do so kissed her again. Her body had become a little stiff so his plan was to lure her a little. He intensified the kiss quickly, making her heart and breath pick up speed again. He engaged her tongue in a little hide-and-seek. Her hands were around his neck again, his hands by her midsection. He let one hand sneak up between them and he caressed one of her breasts. Gently at first but he soon got a little rougher, squeezing it a little harder and playing with her nipple that quickly had tensed up again.

He made a little pause in the kissing as his hand slowly made its way down between them. He didn't want to spring anything on her but as soon as he knew she was aware of where he was going he started kissing her again hoping to distract her a little from the momentous threshold they were about to pass.

For two years anything below her waist had been off limits, any slight attempt to pass or just a hint of pressure between her legs and she'd gone to that dark and paralyzing place. He knew there was still a risk he would push her there but something felt different, something made her feel ready and he knew that if he could just bring her pleasure once it might open up this massive knot she seemed to be carrying.

He gave the decision whether or not to start outside or go straight inside her panties just a second's thought and then carefully but decidedly let his fingers run down the inside of the fabric. He let his other hand rest on her lower back and he held her mouth with his as he let all of his fingers run over her. He kept them flat against her, just let his hand go back and forth a few times giving some pressure to her entire core. He could feel she was wet, he felt happy she was wet and started kissing her again.

He could tell by the lack of participation in her lips that her focus was elsewhere, somewhere further south but she let him play with her mouth as well. His hand made another motion in between her legs and this time he let a single finger slide through her folds. He caught the slight gasp with his mouth and latched on to her lips as he made a second visit between her folds. Her lips shivered slightly but when his mouth got hesitant she caught it herself and her tongue came out to get his going again.

He started moving his hand faster between her legs, stayed between her folds the entire time now. _God she was wet_. He stayed outside her though, just teased slightly whenever he passed her opening, and kept focus on her clit.

She'd wrapped her arms tighter around his neck now, pressing herself even further up against him and moving her hip slightly against his hand. He could feel her reaction to his touch, her clit getting more swollen with every stroke. He felt a desire to go down on her, wanted to taste her but he knew it was too early to push for more so he just kept the motion going.

She just kept her mouth mostly open as she needed to breathe but every now and then she engage in something his tongue or teeth did. He felt as though they'd reached a bit of a ledge, she was still panting, enjoying, desiring, but she'd stopped climbing so he dared to move over to her opening. He circled it, dipped part of his finger inside, took a few turns on her clit and then went back. He used a single finger, let it half way in, pulled it out and then started over again. He added a second finger after a while, let her adjust and then worked those two fingers in and out.

When he was sure she was still enjoying his actions he started curling his fingers whenever he was inside of her. He could feel a slight pickup in her breathing again, her hip started moving against his hand again and he started to see a finish line. Not that he was in any hurry but he wanted nothing else but to bring her over that edge.

He realized he was almost bursting out of his pants as well and he couldn't help but smile as he figured he might just come out of making her come. That would be a first for him if that happened and it got him even more excited. He increased speed, used his free hand to push her down on him so he could put pressure on her clit with every entry.

They were both covered with a coat of sweat now, her hands slipping a little around his neck as she tried to come even closer to him. He put his face by her neck needing to breathe. He loved her scent, her warmth, the way she felt. The most delightful tiny sounds escaped her throat with every gasp she made and they'd increased and deepen now. He felt she wasn't far off and all she needed was to let herself go. His mouth searched its way up her neck, got behind her ear and he used his tongue in that spot he knew she liked.

He felt her tense up and he thought she might be at the brink but instead he felt her pull away slightly.

"No, no," he whispered holding on to her. Her hands came down to his chest, both holding on to him but at the same time pushing him away. He tried to catch her mouth but she turned her head away slightly. He thought she was rejecting him but then he realized her eyes were searching for something behind her back and that's when he spotted the lit up screen on her phone. It buzzed like it did when she'd received a text.

"It's okay," he whispered thinking she'd just got disturbed and they could get back to what they were trying to achieve here. He'd kept his hand on her the entire time but lost some speed so he picked it up again. She let out a whimper though that made it sound like she was in pain.

"Just stay with me," he whispered trying to get to her mouth again.  
"We're so close," he whispered as he started kissing her again. But she was pulling away and then her phone buzzed again.

"For f…" he complained, angry on whomever it was texting and pulling her focus away from him. He made one last attempt to keep her there but he knew the moment was lost and he let her step off him. She pulled her skirt down quickly, arranging her panties through it and then reached for her phone on the table. He reached for his tee, used it to wipe his hand on as he watched her.

"Who's texting you?" he asked when he saw her frown. Her eyes came up a little but never all the way up to meet his and then she just shook her head a little as her eyes went back to the screen. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Her lips were swollen, cheeks flustered, hair a little messed up. She looked like she just had sex but yet… he felt frustration flare inside him again.

"C'mon, who's texting you," he said getting up out of the couch still holding on to his tee. He knew he sounded angry, he _was_ angry and he couldn't hide it. They'd been so close and he felt both embarrassed and frustrated about the hard-on he still sported and that he didn't think would go away until he did something about it.

"It's no…" her words faded out quickly. She kept looking at her screen as she pulled her blouse back in place suddenly feeling very exposed.

"Amanda you have to talk to me," he said taking an aggressive step closer to her but stopped immediately as she shied away. He took a deep breath realizing he had to calm down. He'd been so focused on his own goal and his frustration about not being able to help her get there he'd missed how devastated she looked right now. That nervous twitch in her shoulder was back, she was gnawing on her lip and her nails were digging in to the wrist that was still holding on to her phone.

"What's going on Amanda?" he asked making sure his voice was calm, at least as calm as he was able to take it down to right now.  
"Nothing," she said, a bit of annoyance on her voice and she avoided looking at him.

"Okay, so come back to the couch then…" he suggested. She threw him a foul glance.  
"What? You said nothing is wrong so let's continue what we were doing then," he said gesturing to where they'd just been sitting. She kept that frown upon her face, glaring at him.

"You said you didn't want to be a tease, so don't be one," he said and regretted it the moment it came out. Her frown turned to devastation and it made him feel even worse.

"Amanda," he said trying to get to her but she threw down her phone on the table and hurried out of there, taking off down the corridor. He sighed loudly as he scolded himself silently. _Why did he have to be so thoughtless?_ He tried rearranging himself in his boxers but it hurt just coming close and he sighed again. _Why couldn't anything be easy for them? Easy in the way it had been before. The way they hung out, the way they just casually had sex when one of them felt that urge and then were able to just hang out again. Why couldn't it be easy like that?_

He caught the light from the screen of her phone and reached down to fetch it. He'd tried to get in to her phone before but since the NYPD demanded every phone had locks and because Amanda was smart enough to have a code that didn't match her birthday or any of the numbers on her badge, which was his code, he'd never managed to breach her phone. Now that he had the chance he wasn't going to miss it.

He found her texts, caught sight of a long list sent from 'unknown number'. She'd just recently received two texts and he clicked the first of the two. He started reading but had to start over as he couldn't grasp what he was reading, his mind went completely blank. When he started again his blood quickly froze and he let out a chocked gasp once he'd finished the first text.

"_But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness._" ( **1 John 1:7-9**)

He opened up the most recent text and it didn't calm him in any way, quite the opposite. He got really scared.

"_Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord Amanda. Confess your sins. Bleed for the Lord and all shall be forgiven. Be the angel the Lord wants you to be Amanda. You shall be forgiven only then._"

He went through another couple of texts and then made his way down the corridor.

"Amanda?" he called out taking a quick look inside her room. She wasn't in there and he heard that the shower had been turned on down the hall so he continued down.

"Amanda," he said loudly even before he'd reached the door, he wanted her to know he was coming. He pounded on the door.

"Amanda," he said with a harsh voice.  
"Leave me alone," he heard from inside. He didn't care and opened up the door.

"What the…" she said spinning around. The bathroom was already filled with steam from the hot rays she'd turned on. She grabbed for her blouse that was on the floor and held it against her chest.

"What is this?" he said holding up the phone with one of the texts on the screen.  
"You had no right…" she whispered looking at the phone with a bewildered look upon her face.

"Amanda, he's texting you. Mayhem is texting you," Fin said still shocked. Amanda shook her head though.  
"It's not him," she said. Fin just looked at her with eyes that told her she had to explain.

"Don't you think I've checked, he's still locked up, he's not allowed visitors. It can't be him," she said with a voice that sounded like she could start crying at any second now.  
"But it's his signature right? This is what he used on you down there," Fin said. Amanda bit her lip. Fin had another look at the screen. Things were happening a little too fast for him right now.

"How long?" he asked. She shook her head not getting what he meant.  
"How long have you been getting these texts?"

"Like…" she started but her throat closed.  
"How long Amanda," Fin said back to being angry again. Not at her, well maybe a little at her but mostly at the fact her ordeal didn't seem to be over.  
"A week, two… three, I got the first text three weeks ago," she confessed after some hassle.

"Three w… Fuck Amanda," Fin said turning his back at her briefly.  
"I'm sorry," she said as tears started falling down her face.

"Why didn't you tell me," he complained still with his back at her.  
"I'm sorry," she repeated and now he heard the tears on her voice and it made him turn back around. She was covered in fog from the shower now and she wiped her face with one hand. Either the fog or her tears made her makeup smear and her lower lip was trembling.

"I'm so sorry," she said as her face crumbled. He took one quick step over to her and brought her in to his arms.

"It's okay," he whispered holding her tight. She let go of the blouse and he felt her hands latch on to him, clutching at his bare skin. She tried disappearing in to his warm hug. All she wanted was to disappear.

"It's okay," he repeated, his mouth tucked in to her blonde locks and his arms wrapped tightly around her, "He's not going to get away with this. He's not going to get you Amanda. You're safe. I got you. You're safe."


	3. Chapter 3: Counterattack

**Sorry for slacking with the update, it's the Stockholm Filmfestival - my fave time of the year - and it's been keeping me occupied. Sorry.**  
**Okay this chapter is rather PG. &amp; rather slow-moving. My knowledge of psychology and mental care is limited so there might be factual errors in this chapter. I've tried to do my research but it's bound to have some faults in there, I hope it doesn't take away too much from the story.  
Thank you so very much for the reviews! Happy reading!**

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**Chapter 3: Counterattack**

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_Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.__ (_**Proverbs 28:13)**

* * *

Fin made a rumbling noise as she headed towards her desk and not straight in to Liv's office which they'd decided last night.

"Can you just let me hang my jacket," she hissed shooting him a deadly stare over her shoulder. Fin sighed, didn't let his discontent be hidden but then went over to hang his jacket on his chair as well. He could tell she was stalling, found something in her pocket that she apparently needed to put down on her desk and then she couldn't just fling her jacket on her chair like any other day but had to make sure the sleeves hung down.

He gave her a less than amused look once she finally looked back up at him and then he had to make a sweeping gesture to get her moving. She took a deep breath, looked very unwilling but then finally moved towards Liv's office.

They've had a long night. Not much sleep for either of them. After he'd found out about the threatening texts she'd started receiving three weeks ago he'd first held her for a long time. She'd been crying, scared now that the truth was out and it stared her straight on. He'd felt like crying too, he couldn't help but feel they'd been so close to something, something that wasn't just nightmares and wounds that needed healing but something… great and something sweet and rewarding that he couldn't help but feel that they both deserved. And then shit had to hit the fan like some ominous power felt the need to constantly tear at them. At her.

Once he'd been able to think straight again he'd focused all on her. Her wellbeing was most important to him. So then he'd gotten angry again. _Why had she hid this from him? Why hadn't she shown him the texts? Why had she stayed silent and in torment for three fucking weeks? _

Through tears, and only in her skirt and bra, she'd told him she thought it was just a prank at first. That someone was just pulling her leg, at least that's what she'd wanted to think cause the alternative… she just couldn't deal with that right now. She just couldn't deal. It was too much.

And he realized shouting at her wasn't what she needed right now and he'd wanted to hug her again but now her, and his, since he was still not wearing a shirt, semi-nakedness seemed uncomfortable for her and to his frustration she'd pulled away. After she had a shower and draped a few layers of clothes back on he'd gotten her to sit down again. Now with cups of steaming hot tea in front of them.

He'd learnt she'd called Simon's psych ward – Broadmare psychiatric hospital – and according to them he wasn't allowed any contact with the outside world which meant no internet or phone privileges so Amanda couldn't imagine how he could be behind these texts. Fin was of the belief that if there was an evil will it would find a way so he wasn't ready to count Simon out just yet.

He also learnt she'd tried tracking the numbers but they all seemed to go to throwaway phones, disposable ones used just for that one or two texts. He could tell how much this troubled her even though she tried to not make it sound like such a big deal.

He tried to come up with other potential suspects but every new question he asked seemed to make the weight on her shoulders even heavier. No, she'd received no threats other than the texts. No, she couldn't remember anyone getting angry at her out of the ordinary. No, no recent cases were similar to the Mayhem case. And no, she didn't think Mayhem had an accomplice.

Long after the steam of their tea was gone, once their cups had been empty for a while they made their way down the hallway to his bedroom. No one had said anything for a while and no one said anything as they made the strenuous walk down the hall. Her entire body felt like deadweight, every step as though her ankles were tied to anchors and the scars in her hands making themselves felt as though they were sending a foreboding warning. His head felt heavy too as it was filled with memories on how she'd looked as they brought her up from that bunker and he now feared equal harm could come to her.

Both lay down heavily on each side of the bed, both too tired to bother to pull the cover or to shed any clothes. She'd laid down on her back while he immediately rolled over her way in a need to keep his eyes on her. It didn't take long until she rolled over on her side too and he watched her tuck her hands in underneath her cheek. She usually slept on her side, usually curled up in the fetal position.

He knew cause he'd watched her many nights, passed her room with concern and a need to make sure she was okay. The door was always open at night, he was thankful it was but then sadden because he figured he knew the reason why. He'd never asked but knew locked doors freaked her out. He'd seen many times how her eyes had gone to a door closing, that tiny sound as the spring fell in to the socket and the moment of despair on her face as she feared getting locked inside. It didn't matter that he was in there with her, for a second she was locked in her own painful memory and it sadden him momentously.

Even though she was facing him she managed to keep her eyes hidden from his. She looked tired to him but he figured it would take a long while before she found peace enough to let herself drift there.

"Are you scared?" he asked, his voice as grave as such a question deserved. Her eyelashes flickered and then she exposed her blues to him. She didn't have to answer, her eyes told him the answer.  
"We're going to get to the bottom with this," he said, "whoever it is we're going to catch him and we're going to make him pay."

She hid her eyes from him again. He kept watching her, listened to her breathing.

"We're telling Liv tomorrow," he said and again her eyes met his. This time she looked more startled than scared.  
"We're telling Liv tomorrow," he repeated as he could feel an objection in the air between them.

"She won't understand," she whispered as her eyes disappeared again.  
"She will Amanda, she's on your side too. She'll be just as alarmed as me but she'll understand."  
"She won't like that I didn't tell her immediately."  
"Either did I but you don't see me kicking you out," he said and smiled as he saw the tiny twitch at the corner of her mouth.  
"You almost did," she whispered, that tiny smile still lingering. She was right, he'd been really angry. With him worry often came out as fury.

"Wouldn't have blamed you," she added as the smile disappeared. He couldn't stand the void between them and extended his hand on the bed. He left it palm up in front of her though, giving her the option to take it or not. She watched his hand for a while, took in every inch of that strong and masculine hand that had caught her so often when she needed it the most. _How could she deny him?_ She pulled one of her hands out from underneath her cheek and granted him her touch. He wasted no time wrapping his fingers around her small hand and he held it tight.

"We'll walk in to her office first thing tomorrow morning and we'll sort this out," he whispered. Nothing more was said about it after that. He soon managed to wheel her in, wrapped his strong arms around her and entwined his legs with hers. It took a while but then he felt her start to relax. It would take much longer for her to actually fall asleep though. She kept jolting back from sleep, like something terrifying waited for her just as she managed to get there. Each time he stroke her back gently, reassured her she was safe.

She got frustrated after the fifth time, he felt her start to pull away but he told her to stay. She spun around in his arms, let him pull her back in to his chest and tried to relax back down. It kept happening but he could feel fatigue taking her over and knew she would soon manage to stay on the other side. He just hoped whatever monster was in her dream wouldn't be there then.

Once she was sound asleep his mind started wandering again. _How did Simon do this? Why? Why after two years start up again? Could it really be someone else? And if so, was this person working with Simon or was he just a loose cannon? Could it be just a prank? _Amanda's name had never been released to the media so it must be someone involved with the investigation then. He sighed as he played with a strand of her blonde hair on the pillow next to him.

They'd been so close. They'd been at the verge of something normal, something they hadn't been close to since Kim died. He knew it was naïve to blame Kim but he often wished she would've just stayed away. Had she never died, managed to cross path with Simon, Amanda would've never gotten herself in such a predicament. Things could've gone on like normal. Amanda crushed by Kim's stunt last time she was in town but Amanda would've been left not shattered, not this broken and held together by frail, temporary band-aids.

Now he feared things could unravel again. Two years of healing down the drain. _But Liv would know what to do. Surely she would know what to do_. He had to believe that and it was what finally made him able to fall asleep.

He would be awoken a few hours later, Amanda fighting for her life in her sleep. He caught a fist to the side of his head before he was able to gather her wrists up. He managed to pull her somewhat awake and she fell right back asleep once he held her. He wasn't sure he even managed to fall asleep before another nightmare haunted her. It continued like that throughout the night and early morning.

Exhaustion made them sleep longer than usual and both were in a pissy mood as they got ready to head in to the station. He was determined to talk to Liv while she'd started to waver on it being a good idea. But this was one matter he wouldn't give up on. She was usually more stubborn but he would not let her get out of this and here they were, at the station and ready to walk in to Liv's office.

**She didn't look angry **any longer though, more scared and he gave her a reassuring head nod. Nick had been watching them from his desk meanwhile. They'd walked passed him without saying good morning, something that rarely happened. Then Fin had stared his partner down as she did something as unusual as wipe her jacket down on her chair. It was obvious to Nick she was stalling but as to what he had no idea.

"Let's go," Fin said when she didn't move.  
"She looks busy…" Amanda tried. Fin shot Liv a look, she was reading something at her desk but her door was opened and she would surely put her papers down if they walked in asking for a minute.  
"Nice try," he said turning back to Amanda, "let's go."

Amanda took a deep breathe, the air got caught on the way up again. He could tell she was nervous and gave her a moment to collect herself. When she finally moved towards Liv's office he was just a step behind her. She stopped right outside the door, wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her legs as she took another deep breath. She gave Fin one final look before she stepped inside tapping the glass door a little to get Liv's attention.

"You have a minute?" she asked, her voice barely functioning.  
"Sure," Liv said, immediately letting go of her papers just as Fin had predicted. She'd been wearing a smile but it dropped a little as she saw Fin walk in after Amanda and closing the door behind them. Amanda walking in raking her hands together, taking a stand a couple of steps too far away from her desk also told her something was wrong.

"You okay?" she asked but then let her eyes go from Amanda over to Fin as Amanda kept her head down. Fin looked at Liv with that blank and collected look that usually meant trouble. He turned his eyes back over at Amanda and Liv did the same.  
"What's going on?" Liv asked and couldn't hide the slight apprehension from her voice now.

Amanda peeked sideways Fin's way. He raised his eyebrows at her that way he did when he tried to urge someone or something on. When her face just crumbled though he couldn't hide his frustration and growled slightly.

"Show her," he said. Liv looked back at Amanda. Amanda swallowed and then got her phone up from her back pocket where she would've hoped it could stay. She dragged her finger across the screen a few times and then took a step closer to Liv so she could reach over her desk and hand her the phone. Liv looked trouble as she checked Amanda's screen. She saw a long road of messages with 'unknown' listed as the sender. She looked up at Amanda to make sure it was okay for her to check any of the messages.

"Just… open anyone of 'em," Amanda mumbled tucking her hands down her back pockets to stop from fidgeting.

Liv chose one randomly and read it silently; _Those that deal in death, shall taste its fruit. Romans 13:4._

Liv didn't let her eyes stray from the screen as she went back to look at another message. She read another long bible quote that sounded just as ominous as the first one.

She shot Amanda a quick look before she read another one, Amanda's eyes shied down as soon as she met Liv's. She read the next one out loud;

"Be warned. Those that commit heinous crimes will receive their just desserts. Your time is coming Amanda."

Liv's voice shivered at the end of the sentence and she looked up.

"Are they all like this?" she asked. Amanda's gesture was a little wishy-washy but Fin then answered a decisive yes. Liv checked a fourth one and found another threatening text aimed directly at Amanda.

"And all from unknown sender?" she asked and looked straight at Fin since he'd been giving the most direct answers so far.  
"Yes," Fin said firmly, "But she doesn't think it's him. She's checked with the psych ward, he's not allowed any contact with the outside world."

Liv took a deep breath as she scrolled down to the very first one. She realized they went more than a week back.

"When was the first one?" she asked looking at Amanda.  
"Three weeks ago," Fin answered when Amanda didn't. Liv gave him a stunned face. He just made a face and a gesture that told her he agreed with her reaction.

"Is this all of them?" Liv asked but got the answer from Amanda's bashful face.  
"You've deleted some?" Liv asked trying to bite down a flare of anger and Amanda nodded. Liv tried to keep her disappointment from her face.

"Okay, let's get your phone to TARU, see if they can get anything," Liv said and got no objections.  
"You stay close to her meanwhile," Liv said and Fin nodded.  
"And I think we should call the operation off for Monday…" Liv started but now Amanda started objecting.

"If this is someone else Amanda he could be having eyes on you," Liv said but Amanda shook her head.  
"No one's following me," she started.  
"So that's why you're not running outside any longer?" Fin said questioning her answer. Amanda gave him a quick, disgruntled look that quickly eased though.  
"I've just been cautious okay," Amanda whispered.  
"Not cautious enough to tell your partner," Fin said not able to pipe down.  
"Okay, let's just focus on getting to the bottom of this now," Liv said sensing the raw animosity. She figured Fin had only just found out too.

"Are you okay to work?" Liv asked turning to Amanda.  
"Of course," Amanda said, the answer more confident than her posture.  
"Good. I'm going to make some phone calls okay? See what I can find out about…" Liv left the name unsaid as she saw Amanda having to prepare herself to hear his name.

"Fin can you get this down to TARU? Tell them it's urgent," Liv said handing over Amanda's phone to him.  
"Sure thing Serge," he said, "but what else can we do meanwhile?"  
"We need to give TARU a chance to trace the texts. I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything," Liv said ending the sentence with her eyes on Amanda.  
"We'll talk again later today even if we don't have anything, decide how to deal with this then okay?" Liv said and Amanda gave her a quick nod before she turned, wanted to get out of there.

"Amanda," Liv said calling for her attention before she could reach the door. Amanda turned back, shoulders half way to her ears as though she was expecting a scolding.  
"Thank you for coming with this to me," Liv said softly, "We will sort it out."

Amanda looked a bit stunned but then her eyes flickered towards Fin and she felt a bit ashamed cause she knew she'd kept it a secret for too long. She nodded bashfully and then headed outside. Fin walked straight out and towards the gate.

Nick jumped up as he passed his desk and put a hand up to get Fin to stop.

"What's going on?" he asked, curiosity killing him. Fin just gave him a look and then took a step to the side to get passed him. Nick looked after him, gave his back a glare but then he spun around. Nick had seen Amanda's head hang down as she left Liv's office and now as she'd sat down at her desk her head seemed to hang down even more. He didn't understand what was going on. They hadn't been able to catch the perp last night but the operation had gone smoothly, Amanda done her part extremely well so that couldn't be the problem he figured.

Nick sat down by his desk again not brave enough to direct the question directly at Amanda and walking in to ask Liv would surely look as he was being too nosy. He tried to keep the curios looks he shot Amanda's way undetected. She'd turned her computer on but seemed a little shattered and it didn't take long before she stood up and made her way down to the bathrooms.

Amanda needed to splash some water on her face and she felt a little better once she did. She tried to avoid her own reflection in the mirror though, not brave enough to face her own cowardice. She'd been afraid to face those texts, tried to act as they didn't exist like so many other things in her life. But then every time her phone made a sound it was as though thousand needles prickled her skin, like a razorblade cut from the inside and she felt as though she deserved that. Like it was a punishment for all her indiscretions. _Maybe judgment day was coming_.

She scooped up some more of the running water and splashed it on her face. She was about to reach for a paper towel when a knock on the door made her jump.

"Rollins?" Was heard from the other side and she recognized Nick's voice.  
"Yeah?" she said trying to sound calmer than she was.  
"I don't mean to… It's just we need to re-interview the victim from last week and I figured since you've got a report with her maybe you could come with me…" Nick sounded hesitant on the other side of the door.

"Yeah sure, just give me a sec?" she asked grabbing for that paper towel.  
"Sure, take your time," he said and she thought he'd left so when he spoke a couple of beats later she jumped again.  
"I'll be waiting outside then."  
"Okay," she answered with the breath in her throat. _Get a grip Amanda_.

* * *

_Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices._ (**Psalm 37:7**)

* * *

When Amanda came back in to the station it was passed lunchtime. Fin gave her a deadly stare as he was still pissed she'd left the station without him. He'd called her the minute he came back up from TARU only to get the news she'd headed out with Nick to interview a victim. He'd scolded her in a not so subtle way and she'd finally just hung up on him.

"Liv wants to see us in her office," he said through clinched teeth as she walked in with Nick. Amanda kept walking straight in to Liv's office and Fin walked in after her while Nick watched them.

"Something's going on right?" Keith said. He'd been around when Amanda and Fin first walked in and he'd caught both Fin's reaction when he learnt Amanda had head out and part of his harsh language as he called his partner up.

"Yeah," Nick muttered, "but God knows what it is." He sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh. He hated being let on the outside.

**Liv asked them** to sit down and then let them know TARU was still working on her phone. They had 19 different numbers for 36 text messages, not one of those numbers went to registered users. Fin sighed but Liv told him TARU wasn't giving up, there were still ways to get information that may lead to whoever was sending the texts.

Liv had talked to the chief of staff on Simon's institution. Just as Amanda, Liv had learnt Simon wasn't allowed visitors, the only people he came in contact with were the staff. Liv had been promised a list of the employees but still not received it. Once she did though she would go through it with a fine-tooth comb.

Fin was frustrated that they had what he felt was nothing and wanted to know what they would do next. Liv suggested Amanda sat down to try and write a list over potential suspects.

"Amanda?" Liv said softly as Amanda had been sitting quietly the whole time and seemed to have drifted off somewhere else during the last minute.  
"Huh?" Amanda said once she came back.  
"Do you think you can construct a list over potential suspects?" Liv asked.  
"I don't see… it must be someone who knows the Mayhem case well," Amanda breathed.  
"A cop?" Liv said but Amanda shrugged.

"You don't think Simon's behind it?" Liv asked sensing Amanda was leaning another way.  
"I don't know but… the texts are sent to _Amanda_," she said, "I just feel he would… he would call me Shay."  
"Cause you said you'd chose to be Shay instead of Amanda if you had the choice," Liv said remembering back to the interrogation between Amanda and Simon. Amanda gave her a careful nod.  
"But if Simon is instructing someone that someone might get the name wrong right?" Fin tried. Amanda just gave him an empty look.

"If you don't mind," Liv said calling for Amanda's attention again, "I'd like to ask Nick to have a look at the texts? Just cause he's got experience with the Bible, maybe he can see something we can't?"  
"Would that be okay Amanda?" Liv had to ask as Amanda just sat there with a blank look on her face. Amanda nodded half-heartedly.

"And just make sure someone's with you whenever you go out, as a precaution," Liv used 'someone' this time and not Fin specifically since Fin had blew off steam to her earlier about Amanda leaving the station without him. She didn't want to add to any tension between the two partners.

"I'll let you know the minute I get that staff list, we can start going through their records," Liv said after Amanda. She'd already moved towards the door. Fin had gotten up on his feet but stayed to shoot Liv a glare.

"We'll sort this out Fin," she said once Amanda had left the room, "can you ask Nick to step in here?"

Fin didn't try to hide his frustration, giving her a nod but accompanied with some disgruntled noises as he headed outside.

**When it was 2 pm** and Liv still hadn't received that staff list from Broadmare Liv called them up again. This time she wasn't as polite and used her commanding voice threatening with getting a warrant if they didn't send it over asap. That seemed to do the trick and soon she had the long list of the entire staff of Broadmare in her hands. They were a high-security psychiatric hospital which could house up to 220 patients. And that meant a lot of staff.

Fin, Amanda and Keith were out digging for clues in the bar hopping rapes so Liv used Nick again. He'd been concerned but pleased to get involved with what was going on with Amanda and the texts. Liv knew he liked to be involved in everything concerning the squad and he was more than willing to help out.

He hadn't been able to read much more out of the texts than the others. Remorse, confession and/or retribution seemed to be a theme in every bible quote sent. The quotes were taking from all over the Bible and to Nick it did sound a lot like Simon's rambling mind.

Now they divided the staff list in two and took one half each to see what they could get in their records. The chief of staff had told Liv they did an extensive background check before they hired anyone but Liv knew she sat on the most powerful tool in making sure of this.

Once they were done they had 12 staff members with criminal records, 2 that came up in sealed juvie records and another 7 that had been heard by police in various circumstances. Fin and Amanda were back and Liv called them in to her office. To not make Keith feel left out she called him in too and gave him a quick brief about what was going on. Liv wasn't sure how much Keith knew about Amanda's backstory but she told him just enough to at least get a grasp on why they were concerned about these texts that she'd received.

Liv let both Fin and Amanda check the list of names to see if anyone sounded familiar. None did. Since Simon was isolated to a smaller area of the institution he only came in contact with some of the staff and Liv realized they had to single out just who had contact with him and probably interview those people. She suggested a visit.

Amanda, who already looked pale, lost if possible even more color and Liv hurried to add her suggestion was that she headed out there with Nick.

"Are you going to see the bastard?" Fin asked. At first he'd been disappointed to not get the opportunity to face the son of a bitch but he quickly realized he would probably not be able to conduct himself in his presence.  
"Maybe. First and foremost the people who could act as his link," Liv said.

"Take me as well Serge," Keith said, "Couldn't hurt right? Fresh eyes?"  
"Maybe, it depends on how high security is, might be a hassle to just get one of us inside," Liv said nodding at him.

"Barba could help," Nick said quickly, "he'll get us in in no time."  
"Hold on, let me just give them a ring, might not be a problem at all," Liv said putting her hands in the air.

Next she let Nick and Keith know they could head out for a bit. Once they'd stepped out Liv turned to Amanda who looked sickly pale by now.

"Why don't you head home? We have the weekend off, why don't you use that to just catch up on sleep or whatever else you want to do to relax?" Liv suggested trying to not sound overly protective.  
"I don't want you working overtime because of me…" Amanda said feeling like a burden.

"Don't worry about that. We won't work the entire weekend, visiting Broadmare feels urgent though. If we could put a stop to whoever is doing this it will serve all of us Amanda," Liv said, "We're in this together."

She regretted adding that last part. She saw Amanda frown briefly and Liv knew it had sounded cliché. Of course Amanda didn't feel as she was in this with anyone, she probably felt close to as exposed as down there in that bunker.

"You wanna head home?" Fin asked keeping his voice low. Amanda looked at him, she tried to come up with things she should do instead but her entire inside just screamed for the opportunity to go home and bury herself under a heap of covers in a big, comfy, warm, and hopefully safe, bed so she nodded slightly.

"Okay, we'll do that then, but you'll keep me posted?" Fin said and didn't just settle with Liv nodding.  
"I will Fin," she reassured catching the stare he gave her.

"What about… my phone?" Amanda asked on her way towards the door.  
"Well maybe you should leave it with TARU?" Liv suggested.  
"But what if… I mean what if one of the latest victims call? They all have my number," Amanda said exactly what was on her mind. Liv wasn't sure how to deal with this and looked to Fin for answers but instead Amanda spoke again;

"And if he makes contact again. Maybe he'll change pattern, want me to answer. Wouldn't it be better if I had it then too?"  
"Okay," Liv said since she was making sense, "but under no circumstances do you engage in conversation with him if Fin isn't around. And tell TARU to put a trace on your phone just in case he calls or if you…" Liv went completely blank. _If you go missing? If you go a-wall again?_ Liv wasn't sure what she'd planned to say but saying nothing ringed just as bad and she caught the timid look that came upon Amanda's face.

"Just stay safe and just check in with me please?" Liv said quickly hoping to rescue a little bit of this already stressful situation they were in.  
"Will do," Fin said and with that they headed out the door.

The moment Fin and Amanda had turned the corner Nick went right back inside Liv's office. She hadn't reached for the phone yet, still blaming herself for not handling that situation better. _What could she have done to make Amanda feel protected?_ Once Nick entered though she gathered herself and called up the chief of staff at Broadmare again.

It would prove itself a little harder to get in to Broadmare then hoped. Liv had already gotten a rather obnoxious vibe from the chief of staff Robert Rohrbaugh and it didn't improve during their latest conversation. According to Rohrbaugh it was too late to visit their facility now and the medical crew in care of Mr Ferguson's treatment wouldn't be back until earliest Monday. According to Rohrbaugh it was an inconvenience to let strangers enter the premises before Monday.

Liv withheld the urgency though and got Rohrbaugh to agree to meet them tomorrow. He said he would try his best to get Ferguson's attending psychiatrist in but he couldn't swear he would be able to. Many of their residence had other engagements and prestige careers that took up their time. Liv couldn't help but think the psychiatrists should focus on their patients but then again Simon Ferguson could rot away in a hole for all she cared.

Liv had already rolled her eyes at Nick a couple of times so he knew the phone call didn't go the way they hoped.

"Tomorrow at nine," she said with a heavy sigh as she hung up, "Does that work for you? I can bring Winters if…"  
"No, it's fine. I got nothing better to do with my weekend," he said.  
"Well then, I guess there's not much more we can do today…" Liv said leaning back in her chair. No one said anything for a while, Nick's mind was racing with a little bit of everything while Liv went back to thinking about Amanda and hoping she'd be able to get some rest this weekend.

"We're talking to… Simon tomorrow as well?" Nick asked.  
"Yeah, I think we have to," Liv said, "You okay with that?"  
"Yeah, yeah," Nick said a little too quickly and caught Liv observing him.

"I mean the guy gives me the creeps but we should talk to him. If he has something to do with the texts he'll probably want to brag about it so of course we should talk to him," he said trying to explain himself. Liv shot him a soft smile and nodded. She then pulled a deep breath and heaved herself up to a standing position by planting her palms on her desk.

"Let's call it a day," she said, "we'll have an important day tomorrow."

Liv let Keith know he could head home as well. He asked if he wasn't going to Broadmare with them but Liv used a little white lie and told him doctor Rohrbaugh only allowed two detectives inside the high security ward. She wasn't sure why she wanted to keep Keith away from Simon, maybe she was scared Simon would out Amanda to even more souls. Maybe she just felt as though she wanted to let Amanda keep as much dignity as possible. Either way she didn't think much about lying to Keith and just went home to try and collect herself for the big day tomorrow.

**Nick on the other hand** didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment where he would probably end up thinking about nothing else than Simon, all those victims and the hideous state Amanda had been in when they found her. He thought about calling his mom to see if she wanted to have dinner with him but when Keith suggested they'd catch a beer Nick wasn't late to jump onboard.

Nick fiddled with a flap of the label on his beer bottle as he studied Keith over by the bar. He'd left a couple of minutes ago to just grab them a new set of beers but seemed to have gotten distracted by a blonde over by the bar. Keith constantly chatted up ladies whenever they went out for a beer. It had become a bit of an insider joke, something Nick, Fin and Amanda could chuckle a bit over as Keith got stuck with yet another lady somewhere else in the bar. He would ditch them in a second if he found some tail to catch.

It wasn't surprising ladies were drawn to him though. Keith was good looking, even Nick could admit that. He was a little bit of a social butterfly, a smooth talker Nick guess you could call him. He knew how to dress smart and used both money and time to groom himself. Nick knew since Keith often mentioned he was stopping by the barber and he wasn't shy to talk about going to get a facial. He used to joke about paying to get pampered like some spa pimp. Yes he'd actually called himself a _spa pimp_ at one time.

Nick chuckled a little to himself as he saw Keith put that hand on the blonde's shoulder. Nick bet ten dollars that hand would drop to her lower back within a minute and he looked around a little proud when it did. If only Fin or Amanda were there he could've earned some real bucks, but then again they would've probably not bet against him. Keith made that move often.

Even though he chatted up ladies all the time Nick had rarely seen Keith leave with any of them. Like maybe just once out of twenty times. Nick didn't really get why seeing how Keith was good looking and all. Amanda had been the one that gave him the insight a while back. "_He's a little too desperate"_. It had made perfect sense. Keith was a little bit desperate for company.

He often talked about his ex. The ex-wife that had cheated on him with a fellow cop. The cop he'd beaten up and because of that been forced to transfer out. Nick didn't blame him for punching that guy though, it was totally understandable to him. It was understandable Keith held a grudge to his ex too but it was getting a little tiresome to listen to him go on and on about what a cheating slut she was. It was obvious he was not yet over either his ex or the cheating.

And even though Keith said he just wanted to hook up Nick was pretty sure Keith was looking for that one person he could spend the rest of his life with. That one person that he'd thought his wife was but that had burnt him badly. Nick could relate. His own wife hadn't really cheated but he'd still been burnt during the divorce.

He'd been burnt even more by the news earlier this year that his ex was planning to move all the way across the nation and taking his daughter with her. His initial thought had been that it could never happen, that he would never accept it. That's when he'd done the stupidest of stupids and punched a pedophile they couldn't catch. And punching was just a nicer euphemism of beating him unconscious.

Nick hadn't been thinking straight. He'd seen his son and daughter in those photos the pedophile was taking. He'd been frustrated about not being close enough to be able to protect his daughter if she needed to and not getting to be as involved in his son's life as he wanted to be. He'd been angry at his wife and all those child molesters he met in his line of work. He'd snapped and it had landed him in jail.

His squad and lawyer fought to set him free though and he couldn't have been more grateful when he got to walk out a free man. It was only a month or so later that he learnt that Amanda was actually the one he had to thank for the pedophile dropping his charges. He wasn't supposed to know and he didn't think anyone else within the squad knew but Amanda had gone to that pedophiles' wife and used something, and surely along with that Southern sass he'd seen a lot of a couple of years ago, to threaten her with.

Nick usually didn't condone threatening family members of their perps but he would lie if he said he wasn't grateful in this specific case. He was very grateful to Amanda that she'd saved his badge. He'd been demoted to traffic cop for two long months but then got reinstated. He'd never told her he knew so he'd never properly thanked her. He just got a sense she didn't want anyone to know what she'd done so he wouldn't mention it either. For a long time he'd always seen that fragile state she'd been in down in Simon's bunker whenever he looked at her. It was an image he couldn't wash away.

It had been a long, hard process to go through for the entire squad and it had left scars in all of them but of course deepest and the most visible for Amanda. The first couple of weeks after her rescue he'd woken up with her screams echoing inside his mind. Every night he'd heard those screams and even though he'd never heard her scream like that he knew it was her desperate cries for help he heard.

Therapy had helped. Cragen had ordered it for all of them and Nick had accepted it with open arms after weeks of haunted nights. To be able to help Amanda back in to the land of the living had been helpful too. It had also been a bit uncomfortable, after all they had kissed during Amanda's downward spiral and she'd made very suggestive invitations while trying to sell the role she'd adapted. But they had both pushed through that and he thought they'd done a pretty good job of coming out on the other side. Of course it was sad that Amanda was forever changed, marked by that hideous encounter with the serial killer he would now once again face. But he would make darn sure that monster didn't get to steal another minute of her life.

"Did you see that?" Keith said interrupting Nick's thought. Nick took the beer Keith pushed his way and mumbled a thanks.  
"See what?" he asked, Keith still looking pissed with his eyes somewhere over at the bar.  
"I thought I was a shoe in and then her boyfriend walks up. Bloody hell," Keith cursed before he put his mouth to his new beer. Nick couldn't help but chuckle slightly, this might just be what he needed before he had to face off with a monster in the morning.

**Fin walked down the hall** in search for her. She'd been mostly silent since they left the station. They'd went down to TARU and gotten her phone back. Fin had made sure they ran a trace on it, he had a gnawing worry that she was going to go missing again and then at least he hoped they could use her phone to trace her with. She'd been clutching that phone the entire ride home, clutched it like it was some lifeline even though he figured she would want to be as far away from it as possible.

She'd shaken her head when he asked her if she was hungry. Then again when he asked her if she wanted to stop by the gym or do something else before they headed home. He'd managed to lure a nod out of her when he asked her if she wanted to go straight home instead. Once there she'd left her phone on the counter in the kitchen and headed straight for the couch. He'd let her know he would take a shower but gotten no response.

Once he was done she'd still just been slacking on the couch, she hadn't even turned the TV on so he did it for her since her eyes were open anyway. He got some more clothes on and then joined her on the couch. He'd let her have most of the couch today though, just lifted her feet up and sat down underneath them. He didn't ask for permission but just removed her socks and started rubbing her feet gently.

There was no sign left of the ugly burns that had once covered her entire soles. He could still see them sometimes though, vivid images of her burns were forever etched into his mind. He remembered very well how raw they'd been, that red skin with black trimmings and with that ugly yellow guck coming out of nasty looking and surely painful blisters. How she'd been able to walk on those feet were still beyond him, he would've been curled up in a fetal position for weeks, maybe months, if that had been his feet.

But she was in every remark a true fighter. He knew even a fighter had to have their setbacks though so he didn't push her right now. He let her be in her own head for a while and just rubbed her feet so he could stay connected with her and let her know he was right there when she was ready. She drifted off to sleep after a while and he just sat there with her feet in his lap, felt her warm skin underneath his palms and let his thumb go over her cute little toes every now and then.

The TV didn't manage to keep his attention either and he rested his eyes for a while but soon his stomach started to make a ruckus and he'd never been able to sleep when he was hungry. He thought about getting up and place an order for some take-out, trying to decide what his stomach wanted to eat. And that's when her phone buzzed over at the counter.

He tensed up immediately, gripping at her ankle as his eyes stared at her phone. His eyes were pulled the other way as she stirred slightly on the couch. Her phone buzzed once more as it usually did when she received text and she started to stir in a way she always did when she was waking up.

"Hey," he whispered stroking her leg, "sleep for a while longer, I'll get us some food."

He could see her eyes move underneath her eyelids, she swallowed but then seemed to drift back to sleep and he felt a little relieved. He tried to get out of the couch as careful as possible which wasn't easy for a big man but he managed to put her feet back down without her waking up again.

He hurried over to the counter and grabbed her phone. TARU had reset the lock to her phone and he just hit number 1 four times and the screen came up. The text was from an unknown number and he cringed as he read it.

"_For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith… not by works._ (**Ephesians 2:8-9**)"  
He read it again, his lips forming the words as he read it word by word trying to grasp the meaning.  
"…by grace… saved, trough faith… Ephesians?"

Fin shook his head. He still didn't get it. He'd never gotten the Bible, not really given it a chance but whenever he'd run across something holy it had always sounded like gibberish to him. He got the power of thought and how positive reinforcements could get you through hard times or athletic achievements but throw in God and it all got too hocus pocus for his liking. He needed real people; good coaches, brilliant teachers, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Spike Lee. Dead or alive they could still spread the word but God? That got too abstract for him. Jesus he might buy, but more as a possible mental, and if not mental then definitely a narcissistic man. Mental didn't necessary mean a bad thing, he couldn't come up with one right now but he knew there were brilliant people that had all sorts of psychological problems.

He looked over at Amanda on the couch. She had problems for sure but she was still brilliant. So he knew being a bit schizo sometimes worked in one's favor. To get by in this world you probably needed to be a little bit tilted.

Fin turned the sound off her phone knowing there might be a second text and he didn't want it to wake her up. His stomach needed food right now and he really needed a task so he dug up a delivery service from the drawer in the counter. Chinese would work.

Once the food got there he'd woken her up with a tender rub up and down her arm. She'd hoarsely whispered she wasn't hungry but he'd gotten her to sit with him at the counter and he'd seen her eat at least a few scraps. Her appetite hadn't been helped by the fact she checked her phone and saw the text. There had only been one so far but the night was still young. No one had said anything about the text, she knew he'd seen it already, she could tell he'd turned the sound off.

He lost track of her once he'd emptied two of the three boxes he'd ordered. She'd slipped off her chair and walked off when he had his back to her. He put the leftovers in the fridge for later, hopefully she would eat it but he knew it was a better bet that he would.

He walked down the hall. He couldn't spot her in her room and continued down. The door to the bathroom was opened so he could tell she wasn't in there. He found her on her back on his bed. It looked as though she'd sat down at the edge and then just fallen backwards.

"Hey," he said as he walked in to give her a heads-up.  
"Hey," she whispered hoarsely back at him. Her eyes were planted on the roof. He took a look if anything was up there but saw nothing out of ordinary and had a seat further down on the bed so he could lean against the footboard.

"Whatcha doing?" he asked.  
"Nothing," she whispered keeping her eyes on the roof. He watched her for a bit, he didn't mind just looking at her but she'd been so silent ever since they left the station and he thought it was about time she pulled out of her bubble now.

"You want to go to the gym?" he asked but she shook her head slightly.  
"How about a movie then? I mean at the theater, it's been ages," he tried but again she shook her head.

"Oh c'mon let's do something fun. Get our minds on something else," he said but she just lay completely still.  
"Amanda c'mon, I need to see you smile," he said, "tell me what I can do to make you smile."

"Hide those smiling faces," she whispered.  
"What was that?" Fin asked, not sure he'd heard her right.  
"Nothing," she tried but he really wanted to know what she'd said and called her out on it.

"Hide those smiling faces," she repeated, shooting him a quick and somewhat awkward smile. Fin looked confused.  
"It was something my dad used to say," she sighed, rolled her eyes slightly that way she used to do as she tried to act as it was no big deal. She shook her head slightly, regretting mentioning it.

"What did he mean by that?" Fin asked.  
"Just a silly saying," she said trying to get off the topic. She got up on her elbows and crawled back a little on the bed so she could lie down properly.

"C'mon tell me," Fin nagged. Amanda gave him a look as she curled up on her side, it wasn't like him to nag like this.  
"It's not a _fun_ story Fin," she said rearranging herself a little to find a more comfortable place for her shoulder.  
"I don't mind, tell me," he said.

"It's not going to make me smile Fin, I thought you wanted to make me smile," she said challenging him a little. He got his foot up on the bed so he could poke her leg. She sighed heavily not feeling like reminiscence about her dad on top of everything but it wasn't like she had anything better to do.

"It was just something he used to say when he dropped us off," she said like it was nothing.  
"At your mom's?" he asked and she nodded.  
"You and Kim?" he asked, caught the slight hesitation before she nodded. Her eyes were somewhere in the distance. She could never talk about her sister without getting distant or getting teary eyed.  
"It's a strange thing to say, what did he mean by it?"

She took a deep breath, her eyes focused back but she avoided looking at him.

"He knew… he knew her well," she said and gave him a brief look.  
"Your mom?" he asked and she nodded. He watched her swallow and curl up a little more. He moved further up on the bed and lay down next to her but put his head in his hand to not get exactly in her line of sight.  
"He knew how she hated to see other people happy. And… he was just a person it was easy to be happy around. He pissed me off too but mostly… he could make me smile."

He liked how the corner of her mouth went up as she remembered those times but then her mouth dropped again.

"But he knew… knew what would happen if we walked in smiling so he told us to _hide those smiling faces_. Kim always tried too much and always smiled even though she tried to do the opposite. It was easy for me though. I often told him how I hated him, hated him for leaving, for letting her… hurt me, but still… it was always sad to see him go."

She looked at him and gave him a smile, a smile that never reached her eyes though. He reached out and touched the side of her face, could see tears weren't far off and he wanted her to know she didn't have to pretend in front of him, that it was okay for her to show her vulnerable side and that he wouldn't shy from it.

"Tell me something else," he asked and it earned him another look, "Something about your parents."  
"Why do you keep asking me about… about my parents," she moaned pushing his hand off her face and then rolled over on her stomach. Her face disappeared beneath a heap of blonde hair.

"I just want to know more about you and what you went through," he said carefully.  
"It's not like you talk about your parents," she said with her mouth pressed to the bed.

"There's not much to talk about…" he said, "I never knew my dad and all I cause my mother was heartache."  
"So did I," she said, he could hear her voice cracking even though it was muffled by the bed.

"No," he whispered, reaching out to touch her head of hair.  
"_I_ was a thug, my mom did nothing wrong but I treated her badly. You were just a kid, did nothing wrong and your mom treated you badly. Your mom was the thug."

Amanda let out a brief chuckle, again muffled by the bed but he heard it and saw her back vibrate slightly. He let his hand move down her back, tracing her spine through her shirt with his fingers.

"I don't want to talk about the thug," she said turning her head towards him. Her face was buried underneath her hair so Fin dug it out and then kept stroking her face even after all lose strands were gone.  
"Tell me about your dad then," he begged. Her eyes already had a shimmering coat over them and as soon as he mentioned her dad she blinked a few times as her eyes stung.

"What about him," she asked and it wasn't in a snippy way but like she actually needed his help to talk about her own dad.  
"I know one thing he used to say, did he have any other wise sayings?" he tried watching his words a little.

Amanda took a deep breath and then rolled over on her back with some effort.

"He wasn't that wise," she sighed giving him a look but he didn't look convinced.  
"He gambled, got himself shot. Believe me, he wasn't that wise," she said with a heavy sigh and turned her eyes back up at the ceiling.

Fin's hand had fallen down by her side when she'd rolled over but he felt a need to touch her and moved his hand to her forehead and let his thumb caress the soft skin between her perfect eyebrows. She closed her eyes under his light touch.

"You found him right?" he asked and could see her face tense up.  
"His body, you found it right?" he asked again really wanting to know from her lips and not just from the report he'd read years ago.

"Oh m... Fin…" she sighed with her eyes still closed but once they opened up she shoved his hand off her head.  
"You really know how to make a girl feel better," she said cynically and rolled away from him. She tried sliding off the bed but he was right there and snaked his strong arm around her midsection and easily pulled her back in.

"Fin…" she complained but she hardly made an effort to get loose so he knew her attempts were just for show. He used his free hand to stroke back her hair so he could at least see some of her face. Her back was pressed in to his chest and he felt her heavy breathing.  
"Tell me how it was finding your dad's body," he asked. He wasn't sure why he pushed this right now. She wasn't wrong, he did chose weird moments to bring the hard stuff up. With everything going on remembering another traumatic event was probably not such a smart idea but on the other hand it might take her mind off the current stress.

"You know what it's like to find a body," she whispered, her breathing had gotten shallower.  
"Not your own dad's body, and not when you're only fourteen," Fin said and it only dawned on him then that a lot of things had happen in her life when she was fourteen. Her grandmother had died, she'd found her dad dead and then she'd slept with her mom's boyfriend.

They just lied there for a while. As usual she took just as long time for him to start to believe he wouldn't get an answer but then she suddenly spoke, her voice strained and with a tone that made her seem just as frail as she felt talking about this.

"No one had seen him for a while. One of his drinking buddies dropped by, to our new house. Mom wouldn't let him in, said she didn't want to let trash inside this house. But I went out through the back, stopped him on the drive way. He said he hadn't seen him in over two weeks, that he owed some guy money… from gambling. He said he probably just stayed hidden but he was obviously worried. At that time I didn't know where he was staying, he'd been evicted from the last place I knew about. When I went there I helped this young woman carry a box upstairs, I didn't know she was moving in to what I thought was my dad's place. She told me she just moved in, that some loser that got evicted had stunk the place down but that it was all she could afford right now. Anyway, Marv the lush..." her voice stalked up and then she started chuckling out of the blue.

"That's actually what we called him, Marv the lush," she managed to say through laughter but Fin could hear how tears were lingering just below the surface.  
"I think his name was Marvin but they called him Marv the lush and for a long time I thought it was marvelous, like he'd done something extraordinary but all he did… souse," she was laughing uncontrollable now, making it hard for him to hear her and he started stroking her hair as he pulled her in even closer. She tried shoving his hand away though, still chuckling slightly, but he made it hard for her, close to took a fist full of her hair and held tight just to make it impossible for her to get rid of him. She finally gave up and just relaxed back down on the bed, the tension caused by the laughter ran off her like liquid.

"Marv the lush," she said, the previous mixed amusement gone from her voice, "gave me the name of a bartender he'd been seeing, and told me where she worked. I took my bike there one night. She was pretty, red head… with major boobs. Something very different from what he had before. She said she wasn't seeing him any longer but she still seemed fond of him for some reason. She gave me the address he'd been staying at, said I might find him there. Told me to tell him to stop by some time, that she missed him."

Her voice died out and for what felt like a minute he couldn't even feel her breathe. He let go of the grip he'd still had in her hair and let his fingers massage her scalp a little. He leaned in and kissed the back of her head. She pulled her legs up further, really curled up and he felt her hand grasp his that were anchored around her waist.

"I wanted to go alone, I guess I had a feeling something was wrong but Kim…," her voice stalked up again but she got it back quickly, "Kim wouldn't go home, she nagged until I let her come with. I made her sit outside though. It was this raggedy looking old house, four floors and he was at the top one. The entire house stunk. Urine, beer, sewer, mold, every ghastly odor you could think off. Fourth floor reeked like old… cheese. I found his door, it was the only one with all the numbers still in place. Gold, relief. 4-1-9. I think I ran my fingers over them but that might just be all in my head. I knocked but no one answered. I called out his name. No one answered."

Her voice sounded monotone now, words just rolled out of her and Fin let them. She told him how she'd tried knocking, using her fists even. How she tried the lock and then finally tried using her shoulder against the door to crack it open. The wood had rotted and, even though she was scrawny, she managed to get through.

"He was right there. In the middle of the room. In an arm chair. It was quite obvious he was dead, the veins in his face dark blue, the rest of his face light blue and eyes just staring ahead, at me but passed me. I still said his name out loud. Like some stupid kid, expected him to wake up, to be happy to see me. But he just sat there, staring passed me. I couldn't see any blood, it had dried in to the chair, one with the dark fabric. I could see it when I came closer but I didn't want to see it. There was a gun on the floor next to the chair. A bullet hole at his temple. It looked like a suicide but it wasn't. The police didn't think so either. I knew cause he wouldn't have worn his old shirt and his torn jeans. He would've put on his best outfit, and I knew he had one somewhere cause he always somehow managed to dress up when he went to a casino to gamble. And he would've left a note, he would've written _me_ a note. I think it smelled in there but I didn't really notice it, he'd been dead for days. I touched his hand and it was cold but he was still soft, his skin was soft. Light blue, cold, but soft."

She went quiet for a while, he barely heard her breathe and he didn't think she was crying.

"Then I heard my name. Kim had of course come looking for me and she was down the hall. I didn't want to leave my dad but I knew I had to, I didn't want her to see him like that. So I ran out, made her go downstairs with me. She said it stank in there, that _I_ stank. There was a minimarket at the corner, I asked to borrow a phone. He wouldn't let me so I asked him to call the police for me. He at least did that after a while. I waited outside the house for the police to arrive. There was a kid in a window that kept sticking his tongue out at me. I don't think I knew him. Then I told them my dad was upstairs. Kim got to sit in the police car for a while, she thought it was cool. I gave them my name and then we left. We walked home. I remember mom being angry once we got home, I don't remember why though, she usually didn't bother where we were. I think maybe she'd gotten the news. That dad was... She became angry sometimes when she was sad or upset. She slapped my cheek but I couldn't feel it."

She took a deep breath before she continued.

"I remember Marv the lush crying at his funeral but I can't remember that we cried. Not even Kim. Mom made us leave before he was in the ground, they were throwing beer cans down his grave. His last cheers. I thought it made sense but mom said it was tacky. That the whole thing was tacky just cause we were never inside the church and then she made us leave. I went back later on though. Just a gravestone with his name and a pile of dirt. That's what you have to look forward to."

He'd brushed her hair away from her neck and now placed his face against her skin. She hadn't showered and he loved the smell of her natural scent.

"Did you use to put flowers by his gravestone?" he asked leaning his head on top of hers. He felt her nod as much as she could underneath him. He just knew she went there a lot, he could even picture her taking her bike there and maybe lying down by his grave or leaning against his gravestone. He knew that even though she'd said she hated her dad the love she had for him was greater.

"Your sister is buried next to him right?" he asked. He felt her body tense up and she didn't nod.  
"Don't you think it's about time you go visit her grave?"

He knew he was taking a gamble, touching on something still very raw to her and she immediately tried to get out of his grip. He held on though, just with the arm around her waist. She grabbed a hold of the bed linen and tried to crawl away from him but it was futile.

"I hate you," she hissed as she gave in and was left panting on the bed next to him.  
"I know you don't," he said without moving but he was ready for those blows from her fists that could be coming his way at any second. She just kept trying to get away from him though. He knew it was too soon to try anything else even though all he wanted was to cradle her in his arms. She made another attempt to get out of his grip but he just held on until she'd wasted even her reservoir and fell back down on the bed with a muted whimper.

"I hate you," she whispered out of breath. It would take a while before her body completely relaxed but then she would feel bad and whisper a 'I'm sorry' to which he would say it was okay and then finally get to really hold on to her the way he wanted to. They'd been there before. He knew the drill. He was comfortable with it but hoped one day she wouldn't have to drain herself this much before she could finally lean on him. He hoped that one day she wouldn't feel the need to even try to push him away but just trust that it was nothing she could do to make him stop loving her.

* * *

"_You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."_ (**Psalm 32:7-8**)

* * *

**Liv felt tense** already before they drove up to Broadmare psychiatric hospital and getting eyes on the impressive building didn't help one bit. It felt a bit weird to see such a majestic building behind such a rigid fence. Notes on the fence told them it was wired as if someone would want to break in there. _Who would want to break in to a psychiatric hospital?_

She didn't know much about architecture but she could tell it was old and it felt a bit gothic to her. It could've been the cupola towering the otherwise rather flat building. The main building, next to the cupola, couldn't be more than four stories high. She could see at least two wings, both two stories high and with large white windows. The building was red except from one part of one of the wings that looked drowned in a vertical garden that made it forest green. The plants had even invaded the roof but still the white windows peeked out of the green so she figured it was deliberate.

She managed to tear her eyes of the building as they drove closer and she spotted a secondary fence a few yards in. Behind that she could see what looked like a park that could belong to a fancy mansion. Neatly trimmed grass with gravel paths surrounded by low bushes that surely bloomed in the summer. She could see benches, tables but no people. Not a single soul.

They'd reached the guarded gate and a uniform stepped out of a rather large guard house. She could spot another one inside the thick glass. Nick rolled down his window and both of them had automatically reached for their shields.

"NYPD," Nick said as the guard came closer, "Detective Nick Amaro."  
"Sergeant Olivia Benson," Liv said leaning towards Nick a bit, "here to see doctor Rohrbaugh."

"You can't drive in," the guard said abrupt, no smiley greeting in sight.  
"Okay, do we…" Nick looked around feeling a bit stupid for not noticing the parking lot behind them. It had been empty though so how could he have, he told himself though.  
"Yeah, pick any spot and then come back up here," the guard said and walked away back to the smaller building by the gate.

"I guess there's a personnel parking or are the inmates alone in there?" Nick grunted as he backed up.  
"Who knows?" Liv whispered looking up at the building again. She wasn't sure if it was the building or the fact Simon was in there that made her skin crawl right now, maybe a little bit of both.

They made it through security which included more grumpy faces and a quick pat down that involved them having to leave their weapons in the guard house. They had to actually talk the guard in to letting Nick keep his pen. Liv figured they should be happy they had tight security though but it would've been easier if the guards, especially the one that had first approached them, weren't such grouchy sourpuss'.

A woman with a cardigan over a white nurse outfit came to get them and then took them up to the main building. She didn't say much. Liv tried to engage her in conversation but she stuck to nodding or shaking her head at Liv's questions. When they finally walked inside the impressive building with just as impressing front doors and Liv made a comment it was so quiet the nurse finally spoke.

"We're preparing for visiting hours, that means quiet time after breakfast."

Liv gave Nick a quick look, he raised his eyebrows slightly but then quickly went back to normal in case the nurse would turn around. She wouldn't though, instead she posted herself facing a grand stair and locked her hands behind her back only adding to the somewhat military stance. Liv was just about to say something when she felt the presence more than heard it. Coming down the stair, which was padded with a heavy, red carpet that made the stair look even more regal, was a tiny built man. Even with his short stature though he seemed important. It might have been the grey, perfectly tailored suit, or the trimmed grey mustache, or even the tiny round glasses on that spiky nose of his, something made him look wise and cultivated and therefor important. He seemed to know he was regarded that way though and that really rubbed Liv the wrong way. She took a deep breath though, tried to make it undetectable but she was in need of oxygen to gather herself cause she needed to make nice with this man who was vital in finding out who was threatening Amanda.

"Doctor Rohrbaugh," the nurse said quietly, seemed to curtsy and then slid backwards and in to the surroundings.  
"Sergeant Benson I presume," Rohrbaugh said extending his hand as he reached the last step and still had a few yards before he reached her.

He pushed his glasses up on his nose as he got closer and as Liv took his hand all she could think about what how tall he was even though she'd first perceived him as very short. He was actually almost her height. His handshake was steady and short, his hand warmer than he seemed. When he let her go he looked from her to Nick and then back to her as though it was her job to introduce them.

"This is detective Nick Amaro, also with Manhattan's special victims unit," Liv said and Rohrbaugh finally took a step closer to Nick whose hand had been lingering in the air for a while now.  
"Nice to meet you doctor Rohrbaugh," Nick said and managed to lure the first heartfelt smile out of the doctor. Liv sent Nick a silent thank you.

"If you follow me," he said and gestured to where they were headed before he took lead. Liv followed him with Nick half a step to her side. Nick noticed the nurse was still with them, he'd thought she'd excused herself when the doctor arrived, but she followed right behind them.

"So you've entered Broadmare psychiatric hospital," Rohrbaugh said as they went down a corridor.  
"Would you like me to give you some background?" he said and turned his head slightly around to pick up the nod he seemed to be expecting.

"Please do," Liv said to humor him.  
"If you like," he said, "The building was founded in 1848, then as a school for the deaf and dumb."

He suddenly stopped and turned to his left where a black and white framed photo hung on the wall. Liv and Nick found themselves looking at a photo of a group of children that seemed to find anything but the camera interesting, looking at anything else then it. A group of nurses in almost the exact outfits as the nurse now with them was flanking the kids and seemed to know where the camera was at. Nick had to throw a glimpse at the nurse just to check that she was in fact wearing the exact uniform as in the photo.

"It was a more merciless time," the doctor said.  
"One would hope," Liv added, not able to stop herself. Rohrbaugh gave her a look she couldn't really interpret and then kept walking as he started talking again.

"Well we kept what was good with the treatment, it was later transformed in to an asylum for the clinical insane," he pointed to another photo across the hall, "and then in 1905 Broadmare psychiatric hospital was established. We have a great legacy, professors, published scientific studies and many rehabilitated patients."

He'd taken a few steps forward and stopped by the next photo. Liv looked at what seemed to be the unveiling of a placard in front of the hospital back in 1905.

"We currently house 213 patients, our high-security ward houses 58 more serious cases, Mr Ferguson being one of them," Rohrbaugh said as he kept walking, "we keep male and female wards separate and we have a trial leave program for those who qualify. Most patients here suffer from severe mental illness, many with personality disorders. In the high-security ward our patients have been convicted of serious crimes, or been found unfit to plead in a trial for such crimes. The average stay for the entire hospital is about six years, skewed though by some patients who stayed, or stays for over 30 years."

"We're a renowned facility," he said as they passed through a couple of locked doors and Liv thought 'as you keep telling us' as she handed the door to Nick.  
"We have 120 green acres outside, but inside the fence of course. We work a lot with reintegrating our patients in to the community though. We offer choice based programs which respect the dignity, cultural differences and self-worth of those we serve, and we offer them in the safest environment possible."

"Yes I remember reading that on your website," Liv said, not able to hold her tongue as she heard Rohrbaugh repeating yet another fancy phrase she recognized.  
"Well if you've visited our website then you also know we have a Sex Offender Treatment Program which has shown great results," the doctor said stopping by another locked door and faced them.

"You actually believe you can treat sex offenders?" Nick had to ask.  
"I do, and I have the proof in at least twenty patients out there which I myself have helped cure."  
"Cure?" Liv hummed, "And Mr Ferguson, you're planning to _cure_ him?"  
"Mr Ferguson actually hasn't participated in the SOT program yet, we're still questioning if he should or not since he didn't directly sexually assault his victims…" Rohrbaugh was about to say something else but Liv interrupted him, making the company halt for a while.

"Hold on, so you don't count setting your victims up to get raped as a sexual assault? Watching them get raped isn't a sexual assault?"  
"Well…" the doctor started but again Liv cut him off before he could go further.  
"Carving wooden dildos that he probably used on his victims isn't a sexual offense? Actually, by her own account, sticking his hand inside a woman, you don't count as a sexual assault either?" Liv had to bite her tongue now and it gave Rohrbaugh a chance to jump in.

"Mr Ferguson's range…" he started, caught Liv's flaming eyes and hurried to continue, "…well he has a wide spectrum of problems. We can only do so much at a time. It has taken a long time just to gain his trust, to even get started with some kind of treatment."

The doctor turned and took a few quick steps towards another door where he dragged his id-card through the slot to let them pass.

"We provide treatment, rehabilitation and support to assist patients in their recovery process. Our services are tailored to the individual."  
"And just how is Mr Fergusons treatment tailored?" Nick asked.  
"We'll get to that when we reach my office detective," the doctor said and continued, "We actively work to promote empowerment, advocacy, and choice by consumers of service. We are actively involved as partners with consumers in fighting the stigma and misconceptions about mental illness."

Liv did her best to block his annoying voice out as they seemed to have entered the Holy Grail of the hospital, the high-security ward, and she took everything in, wondering if Simon ever walked this specific white hallway.

"We intend not only to meet and exceed existing standards in our field, but to contribute in establishing new ones," Liv heard as she zoomed in momentarily but then caught eyes on what looked as two female patients playing cards inside a thick glass window.

"This is the female ward," Rohrbaugh said in passing and then continued his ramblings, "We treat those we serve with respect and dignity, our emphasis are on the strengths of those we serve, our knowledge about advanced treatments and their promise, and our caring and dedication to those we serve."

"Well we have dedication to the victims of those _you serve_," Liv said as they passed a nurse guiding a patient by them. The woman seemed highly altered by drugs, not even registering the guests and just passed them with her eyes staring empty ahead of herself.

Rohrbaugh seemed to ignore Liv's comment and instead told them they were entering the male ward shortly and to keep to the right of the hallway at all times. He at least stayed quiet the rest of the way so Liv counted it as a small win but hoped she hadn't burnt their bridges. Judging by Nick's clenched jaws as she caught a look at him though she wasn't the only one bored by Rohrbaugh's ramblings.

There was a line in the middle of the white hallway with giant arrows drawn on the ground to make it obvious which way to move in each lane. Liv felt a need to cross the line just because she could and because of the fact that the hallway was empty except from them but she of course stuck to her side and kept up with Rohrbaugh who had picked up speed now.

"Your nurse told us you were prepping for visiting hours," Liv said just to try and stop thinking of mischiefs, "you keep the same visiting hours for your inmates in the high-security ward?"  
"Most _patients_ here aren't allowed visitors, those who are only see visitors through glass," Rohrbaugh explained.

"So like in jail then?" Nick added.  
"We try not to compare ourselves to a jail but of course our patients in here can be dangerous to themselves as well as others so yes we have to take precautions."

"Has Simon been aggressive towards your staff?" Liv asked but immediately got a glare from the doctor.  
"Not yet sergeant," he close to hissed but then soften his voice slightly as he continued, "Behind closed doors please."

They passed another door and started to see signs of life again. Liv saw an ordinary looking man sitting behind a computer in an otherwise empty room. A thick glass separated him from the hallway. A hallway that had the same painted arrows as the last one they'd gone through. Behind another thick glass window sat a group of men in a circle while another man stood by a white board where he'd drawn stick figures with lines between them.

"Group therapy," Rohrbaugh said taking notice of the detective's prying eyes.  
"And the computer?" Liv had to ask.  
"Study room, no outside access," the doctor answered as though he'd known what Liv really asked about. So far they'd seen no more than ten inmates inside Fort Knox and Liv couldn't help but wonder where all the other 50 were.

"Just up these stairs," Rohrbaugh informed them as they went through yet another door and up a single flight of stairs. As they went through the door above the stairs Nick realized the nurse was no longer behind them, he had no idea when she'd left them.

Upstairs looked nothing like the asylum feel of the downstairs, it was dark wood and musky wallpaper. Liv wasn't sure what she preferred though, the clinical clean white downstairs or the murky medieval upstairs. A nurse in a uniform sat behind a desk with multiple monitors in front of her. Except from the initial glance she didn't pay them any attention and kept her eyes on the monitors even when the doctor addressed her.

"Get nurse Sernyak to join us in my office," he said and the nurse gave him a nod, kept looking at the monitors as she reached for a phone.

"With me," the doctor said to Liv and Nick and then kept walking down the murky hallway. Liv gave Nick an amused look and caught his frown, she got some relief that he seemed to find the doctor as obnoxious as she did. They'd finally reached the doctor's office and he asked them to have a seat.

"Can I offer you some tea or some water, I'm afraid it's all I got to offer in here," the doctor said but both Liv and Nick declined as they took a seat.  
"We're here to talk about Simon Ferguson…" Liv started but Rohrbaugh raised his hand as he too sat down but of course behind his own grand desk. He grabbed a piece of paper off his desk, pushed his round glasses up on his nose and took a deep breath before he started talking.

"I got the warrant and with your many phone calls I'm starting to get a bit curious about the urgency here, I thought I was being of assistance giving you the staff list," Rohrbaugh peeked up from the warrant in his hands.

"I told you doctor that some threats have been made towards the one surviving victim…"  
"And you think one of my staff is making them?" the doctor said raising an eyebrow at her.

"You strike me as being intelligent doctor, you know we have to rule them out to get to whoever is behind the threats," Liv said and got a smirk from the doctor.  
"Well thank you sergeant B…" the doctor got interrupted by a knock at his door.

"Enter," he said and, to Liv, sounded very much like a principal.  
"Ah nurse Sernyak," the doctor said as they laid eyes on a rather heavyset nurse coming in through the door. She looked in her mid-fifties, her hair, that had gone mostly grey, was cropped short and the first one they met who sported a genuine smile on her face. Her nurse's outfit had a different color, it looked greyish green in the sparse light of the doctor's office.

"Ismene Sernyak?" Liv said extending her hand to the nurse.  
"Perfect pronouncement, rarely happens," the nurse said shaking Liv's hand.

"Sergeant Olivia Benson," Liv said and had no problem giving the nurse a smile back.  
"Detective Nick Amaro," Nick said next and met the nurse's hand half way.

"Nurse Sernyak is the chief nursing officer at Broadmare," Rohrbaugh explained, "and she's been involved with Mr Ferguson's treatment since he first got here. Unfortunately doctor Tennant, Mr Ferguson's psychiatrist and an attending here at Broadmare, couldn't be here. Doctor Tennant is a professor in clinical neurophysiology as well as a published author. As I told you earlier we here at Broadmare want to contribute in the psychiatric field and it at times takes us away from the facility. Doctor Tennant currently only treat two patients here at Broadmare, but is available as a consultant in many other cases."

"And the other patient being?" Liv asked.  
"Not covered by the warrant," Rohrbaugh said strict.  
"If that patient is vital to the case," Nick chipped in.  
"He is not, he does not interact with Mr Ferguson since he's isolated and if you suspect doctor Tennant for anything I can tell you you're on the wrong track."  
"I would take your word for it doctor but we wouldn't do a thorough investigation if we did not clear him ourselves," Liv said trying to sound more polite than she felt. The doctor nodded and leaned back in his chair. The nurse had pulled out a chair from the wall and taken a seat by the side of the desk.

"What can you tell us about Ferguson?" Liv asked.  
"Can I speak freely doctor?" nurse Sernyak asked.  
"Don't you always," the doctor said. It sounded a bit rude but the nurse didn't seem to take it that way and turned back towards their guests again.

"Mr Ferguson can be very charismatic when he wants to but can at any time be, or turn, rude and give unintelligent slurs towards the nursing staff. He has a demeaning behavior towards everyone he thinks are beneath him and that is basically everyone, doctor Tennant is probably the only one he seems to have some respect for. He has some very delusional theories…"

Now doctor Rohrbaugh seemed unable to stay quiet and interrupted the nurse with a slight cough before he continued in her place.

"We haven't diagnosed Mr Ferguson yet but doctor Tennant has clinical expertise in psychotic disorders, that is severe mental disorders that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. We believe Mr Ferguson at some point had a psychosis that made him lose touch with reality. He suffers from both delusions and hallucinations."

"What kind of delusions and hallucinations?" Nick asked.  
"I'm not sure how informed you are in this field but delusions are false beliefs such as thinking that someone is plotting against you or that the TV is sending you secret messages. In Mr Ferguson's case that is that the entire world is plotting against him, that the human kind has been corrupted and are about to destroy itself. He thinks that God is speaking to him. He read signs everywhere. In the clouds, in the way his pees spread on his plate or in a whiff of fresh air."

"What about the hallucinations?" Liv asked.  
"False perceptions," Rohrbaugh lectured, "such as hearing, seeing or feeling something that is not there."

"And what is it he sees or hears?"  
"His mother. And sometimes his sister," Rohrbaugh answered immediately.  
"His mother lifts him, cheers him up," Sernyak chipped in, "while his sister haunts him."

"Guilt?" Liv suggested and Rohrbaugh seemed impressed by her perception.  
"Yes, he displays some guilt to what he did to his sister."

"And to his other victims?" Nick asked.  
"He still mostly talks about them as angels, as though he did them a favor," Rohrbaugh let him know.

"And towards his surviving victim?" Liv dared to ask.  
"To your former colleague? Or is she perhaps still your colleague?" Rohrbaugh asked. Liv wanted to dislike him but he actually had a hint of concern over his face.

"_Still_ a colleague," Liv said.  
"Well that's uplifting to hear at least," Rohrbaugh said pushing his glasses back up on his nose, "She is mentioned a lot during therapy. He's… well obsessed seems to be the best description."

"Obsessed how?" Liv said getting further out on her chair.  
"He calls her his saving grace," Sernyak told them.  
"It's rather peculiar though," Rohrbaugh spoke again, "that he speaks so fondly off her when he in fact still doesn't own up to murdering all those other angels… I mean victims. He still thinks he did them a favor and he still has thoughts of _saving_ more of them."

"We've had to remove any blonde nurses from his ward," Sernyak added.  
"And his saving grace, does he want to kill her still?" Liv asked. She'd deliberately not used Amanda's name yet, wanting to hear what Simon called her.  
"No, not kill her," Rohrbaugh said, "he says her life has purpose, that she's the one angel that belongs on earth with or without him."

"What does that mean? With or without him?" Liv asked.  
"Mr Ferguson believes he should've died by her hands, that her life was spared to end his. He wants to be by God's side, his disciple. He has tried to end his life by provoking others, other inmates. Since it's a sin to kill oneself he's tried it indirectly, and it's why we now keep him mostly isolated."

"Mostly? I thought you said he's always isolated," Liv questioned.  
"He is never left alone with another inmate but he does participate in group sessions. He rarely interacts with them lately though, sees himself superior and keeps to himself."

"But like you say his charismatic, what if he… enchants another inmate?" Nick asked.  
"Believe me detective, we don't let him interact with other inmates that way and even if there's no way any other inmate can deliver a threat to your colleague," Rohrbaugh said.

"So that leaves your staff then," Liv said sitting back in her chair again. Rohrbaugh's eyes narrowed as he looked at her. Nick dug in his inside pocket, took out the folded papers he had tucked in to his notepad.  
"Nurse Sernyak, would you mind marking in some way the staff that interacts with Ferguson one way or another," Nick said straightening the papers a bit before he handed them to her. She accepted them with a nod and grabbed a pen of Rohrbaugh's desk.

"May I ask what kind of threats your colleague is getting?" Rohrbaugh asked and now it was Liv's turn to narrow her eyes slightly as she observed him for a few seconds.  
"Let's call them indirect death threats," Liv said but then moved on to another subject, "Let me ask you doctor, does Ferguson quote the Bible a lot?"

"Constantly," Rohrbaugh said short and direct.  
"You let him have a Bible?" she asked.  
"We didn't for some time but we've agreed on letting him have it as long as he behaves," Rohrbaugh said squirming a little in his chair as though he anticipated that the answer would upset Liv.

"So you use it for discipline?" Liv challenged, trying to hide both a frown and a tone of dislike in her voice.  
"You could say that yes," Rohrbaugh unwillingly confessed.  
"What other _treatments_ do you use on Ferguson?" she asked.  
"It's mostly talk therapy," Rohrbaugh started.  
"With doctor Tennant?" Liv asked and Rohrbaugh nodded.

"Mr Ferguson also enjoys and participates in art therapy, he's not so fond but participate in group therapy. He's taking a course in romantic literature as well as a class in sculpturing, aiming for perhaps a BA."  
"And he would use that degree how?" Nick had to ask.  
"We need to keep hope to succeed with our treatment, otherwise we'll get nowhere," Rohrbaugh said sounding a bit offended as he glared at Nick. Nick got a bit saved by the nurse who handed him back the list, now with at least thirty names circled. He recognized at least two of those circled names from their list of Broadmare staff with prior records.

"What about drugs, medication? Ferguson get anything like that?" Liv asked the doctor.  
"He's on a small dose of olanzapine, it helps with his hallucinations. He refuses them at times, feeling a desire to see his mother but then his sister reappears too and he gets back on his medication."

"You give him the choice?" Liv asked.  
"Yes we do," Rohrbaugh said simply.

"We will need to talk to all these people," Nick said moving his hand over the list.  
"Starting with doctor Tennant, when will he be available?"  
"He resides in Manhattan actually, you should be able to catch him at home. He's writing on his second book," Rohrbaugh said sounding a bit proud.

"What are his books about?" Liv enquired.  
"His first one was entitled The Psychopath next door, it was reviewed in the New York Times. I think this one is going to be called Confessions of a Psychopath," he looked to nurse Sernyak for confirmation but she didn't seem to know if he guessed right or not.

"As in Ferguson's confessions?" Liv asked.  
"Oh no, he's writing in general. It's a sort of guide book for the field, experiences drawn from his prestigious research."  
"But Ferguson is part of that right?"  
"Yes but doctor Tennant would not, _could not_, use Mr Ferguson's case specifically, it's against policy and confidentiality agreements."

Liv gave Nick a look, they would most urgently want to talk to this doctor Tennant.

"There is one other person who's spoken to Mr Ferguson," Sernyak suddenly said. Rohrbaugh gave her a puzzled look.  
"That advocate earlier this year?" she said to enlighten Rohrbaugh and he hummed slightly as he recalled whoever Sernyak was talking about.  
"Yes, right. We were evaluated in May of this year. A complaint from a former patient, nothing to worry with detectives, we were cleared of course."

"Of course," Liv said hiding the sarcasm, "What about the advocate?"  
"I'll give you his contact information. It was a one-time meet, short and a recorded session. I also have a transcript of his session with Mr Ferguson somewhere around here. I'll find it for you and have it sent to you, it will also ensure you what excellent care we're giving Mr Ferguson."

Liv and Nick had another few questions that both Rohrbaugh and Sernyak answered without much hassle or some kind of hidden agenda as far as they knew. Liv had a dislike for Rohrbaugh but she had a hard time seeing him as the one who kept texting Amanda.

"Okay, I think that's all the questions we have for you right now. We would like to talk to Ferguson," Liv said, "would that be possible?"

Sernyak turned to Rohrbaugh who kept his eyes on Liv though.

"We don't want to disrupt his treatment…" the doctor tried.  
"We have a warrant doctor," Liv said a bit threatening.  
"Hold on, all I'm saying is that you cannot under any circumstances upset him. I would understand that this case, that Mr Ferguson, is personal to you seeing how you know one of his victims. But my job is to look out for Mr Ferguson so all I ask you is that you weigh that in when you do speak to him."  
"We will doctor," Liv said even though she knew she would not hold back if Ferguson said anything rash.

"Nurse Sernyak would you set up a visitors room," Rohrbaugh said more as an order than a question. Sernyak rose but froze as Liv put up her hand in the air.  
"We want to be in the same room as him," she said just to make things clear in case they weren't.  
"That's not…" Rohrbaugh seemed to be at a loss for words for once.  
"It's the way we conduct interviews doctor, we read in body language and facial expressions. We need to be in the same room as him, in fact I insist on it," Liv said as calmly as possible. She was ready to fight for it though if Rohrbaugh denied them this. To her surprise though he said nothing more and just gestured Sernyak away.

Rohrbaugh insisted that they accepted something to drink and led them down the hall to a break room where he left them alone for a while.

"So what's your gut telling you?" Nick inquired eagerly as soon as the doctor had left.  
"Place is certainly creepy," Liv said looking around the room. It had the same wallpapers as the hallway, the dark wood seemed to be a theme up here and the furniture and details – even the cups they were drinking out of – seemed out of date.

"Nurse Sernyak could probably give us insight on the staff if we talk to her on her own," Nick suggested and pulled Liv's attention back to himself.  
"Aha," Liv hummed over her cup as she had a taste of the strong coffee Rohrbaugh had served them, "and we need to get on the rest of that list."

"What's your take on Rohrbaugh?" Nick had to ask. Liv shot him a look and raised her eyebrows slightly.  
"Peculiar, we can't rule him out but I just can't imagine him texting. Can you?" Liv said and Nick shrugged.  
"You just never know," he said, "and this is Amanda so…" He left it at that and took another sip but then decided that was enough caffeine for the entire day and poured out the rest in a patinated sink.

It would take some time before anyone came back to fetch them, both Nick and Liv had time to go both anxious and restless in that time. Neither one of them was looking forward to facing Simon again, they'd much rather leave him to rot in some imagined hell hole. From what they'd learnt so far he seemed to be getting much better treatment than either one of them thought he deserved. At least he was locked up though. But if he had a way to reach beyond these walls and those two fences out there he still had the opportunity to do harm and that could not be allowed.

"Oh c'mon," Liv sighed and stomped her foot childishly as she turned away from the window. Nick raised an eyebrow where he sat at a table but he got her frustration. With every passing minute the anxiety level inside him had risen and his foot was tapping away against the thick carpet that covered the floor. He was just about to say something when the door suddenly opened and he got to his feet instead. It was the nurse that had met them at the gate and she now told them Mr Ferguson was ready to see them.

They followed her out of the room, down the hallway, passed the same nurse who's eyes were fixated at the monitors in front of her and then down the same stairs as earlier. Liv wiped her sweaty hands on her slacks as she followed the nurse down the stairs. They passed the locked door, went down a different hallway than the one they came through but it looked just the same and then passed another locked door before they spotted doctor Rohrbaugh further down the hallway.

"Ah," he said as he spotted them, his previously focused face turned to a smiling one as he took a few steps towards them. Liv had time to think she actually preferred his composed face, he looked creepy when he smiled.  
"Mr Ferguson is ready to see you," he said once they reached each other.

"We need to go through some guidelines," he said and his smile got smaller but still lingered. Liv gave him a nod to humor him.  
"No physical contact," the doctor said piercing his eyes in both of them but still managed to keep that hint of a smile on his face, "I want all three of you in your seats at all times. Mr Ferguson has gotten strict instructions to not leave his chair at any time."

"Is he cuffed?" Nick asked regretting his voice sounded so nervous.  
"No, he's not _restrained_," Rohrbaugh said, his smile completely gone. He turned to Liv as though to punish Nick somehow.  
"Make sure to not get close to him, he doesn't like to be touched. You can't leave anything behind, not even a paper. It is very important," he said emphasizing every word.  
"We get it," Liv reassured.

"There's a nurse inside and we'll be watching from outside," he said. Liv would've preferred to keep any nurses outside the room but she just didn't feel like arguing with him right now and let it slide. Rohrbaugh slid his id-card through a slot and when the small light above the door turned green he gestured to Liv to go ahead inside. The knob on the door felt cool against her clammy palm and then she held her breath as she pushed the door open.

She spotted him right away. He looked just like himself but yet so different from the image Liv had in her head. He wore what looked like a white jumpsuit. He was behind a table so she couldn't really see his lower part. His brown hair was trimmed shorter than last time she'd seen him, his chin shaved clean and his blue eyes just as piercing as she remembered now.

During these two years since she last saw him she'd pictured him like the beast he was. She'd pictured him as the devil. She still thought of him that way but he didn't look anything like the monstrous being that sometimes visited her nightmares. He looked as any guy you pass on the street and thought nothing much off. He had blended in well back then and he still seemed to do so. He didn't look the part of a mental case locked inside a high-security psych ward.

Well if you counted out the white frock, the fact he was surrounded by white padded walls and a hefty nurse that looked more like a bouncer was positioned by the door watching the inmate's every move.

He had gained a little weight Liv realized as vivid images from the interrogation she'd held with him years ago flashed before her eyes. A bizarre thought entered her mind, that hunting and butchering women might have kept him in shape before. Looking at him closer she could also see a thick line of grey reaching from his temple to behind his ears.

Liv got aware that Nick was behind her as she felt his hand slightly on her lower back. She also got aware of the fact she'd stopped right inside the door and awkward seconds had gone by where she'd just stared at him. She cleared her throat, lowered her eyes slightly as she walked over to one of the chairs across from Simon.

Nick hadn't been able to tear his eyes off Simon since they entered and didn't as he walked over to the other chair. He felt a weird blend of nausea and hatred rumble through his gut. He wanted to throw up but he also wanted to jump this guy, put his hands around his neck and squeeze both the life out of him but also that silly grin that spread over Simon's face as he realized who was here to see him.

"Not in my wildest…" Nick heard Simon whisper as they sat down. Simon did seem surprised, pleasantly surprised. His eyes were glued to Liv, only momentarily sliding over Nick's way. Simon seemed to gather himself quickly though and that surprised grin turned to more a smirk as he leaned back against his chair again. Except for leaning a little forward when they first entered he'd maintained his posture, his hands hidden somewhere in his lap.

"Detectives," Simon smirked. His voice sounded exactly like she remembered. That calm and somewhat condescending tone.

"To what do I owe this honor?" he said but then the calm demeanor suddenly broke and he seemed almost childishly excited as he leaned in, his hands coming up to land on the table. Liv felt herself pull back slightly, it was something unnerving seeing him without cuffs or any other kind of restrains. She could feel a touch of that fear Amanda must've felt being alone with him.

"No, no, please tell me this first," Simon breathed excitedly and Liv pulled her eyes from a couple of raw scratch marks on Simon's wrist only to stare straight in to his wide open, sinister blue eyes.

"Please tell me, how's my living angel doing?"


	4. Chapter 4: Confronting the Enemy

So sorry for the long wait. The Stockholm Filmfestival drained me, in a good way but bad for the fic-writing. Have to admit as well that the last SVU episode made me itching to write another Rollaro fic, I might have already written a chapter or two on that one but I promise to commit to this one from now on. Nothing's holding me back now.  
Hope you'll enjoy this chapter, a lot of dialogue but I do my best to mix it up a little. Love to read your reviews.  
The quote down below is from one of my favorite authors – Dean Koontz.

Now let's see if we can scope out who the real enemy is…

* * *

**Chapter 4: Confronting the Enemy**

* * *

"_Many human beings need no supernatural mentoring to commit acts of savagery; some people are devils in their own right, their telltale horns having grown inward to facilitate their disguise."_

* * *

"Tell me, is she still beautiful? I bet she is. Her wounds must've healed, is she scarred much? She must remember me. Did she have a message for me? Did she send you here with a message?"

Simon was worked up. He was leaning over the table, talking too fast and got flustered quickly.

"Tell me, did she?" he said, voice aggravated that the detectives wouldn't answer. The nurse took a step forward raising his hand a little towards Simon as to try and calm him down. Simon just glared at him though, his eager face turning furious in an instance. Simon obviously challenged the male nurse, they just stared at each other for a while before Simon finally sat back on his chair. He did his best to maintain his posture and self-acclaimed superiority. A smug smirk spread over his face as he looked down and seemed to brush down his pants with his hands.

"I'm calm," he said looking back up.  
"I'm perfectly calm," he smirked looking from Liv to Nick and then back to her again.

"Of course you would want to aggravate me. It's what you do right? Push buttons, force confessions. But you didn't break me then and you won't now either. She's the only one that got a hold on me. She's the only one that matters."

Simon stopped talking and just stared back at them. Neither Liv nor Nick felt like talking but Liv knew she had to start at some point and it was getting more and more awkward by the second. She just wished her head didn't feel so blank right now, she needed to be on her A-game.

"Do you know why we're here Simon?" Liv finally asked. He just glared at her for a while longer but then slowly shook his head.  
"I could hope you're here with a message to me from her," Simon smiled, keeping his voice low and calm. It was something so eerie about him but Liv wasn't sure if it was just because she knew his background, all the horrific things he'd done to others.

"We're not," Liv said, "we're not here to talk about her but about you Simon."  
"What about me? You already have everything on me. I promise there are no hidden skeletons in my closet. What about yours detective?"

"It's actually _sergeant_," Liv said straightening herself up a little on her chair.  
"Oh, well then congratulation is in order right? Congratulations _sergeant_," Simon smirked.

"Thank you, I…" Liv saw no point to be impolite but Simon was and cut her off.  
"Does that mean you're her boss now? Does she… still work for you?" Simon seemed to be digging but Liv had to make sure.

"You tell me Simon," Liv said but got met by a pair of suspicious eyes. Simon's smirk had faded as he observed her. Liv did her best to sit completely still, to not move a single muscle in her face. Simon turned to Nick though, his intense eyes almost making Nick shy back.

"What about you? Detective or have you moved up too? Cat got your tongue? She's not letting you speak now that she's your boss?" Simon asked him with that smirk back on his face again.  
"Still… still detective," Nick said having to clear his throat as he spoke and he hated the gloat that spread across Simon's face. Simon even chuckled slightly as he looked down on his own lap. Liv took the chance to move up on her chair a little, last thing she wanted was for him to see her squirm.

"So Simon, how are they treating you in here?" she said to try and find another way to the core why they were actually here.  
"Don't tell me you're honestly interested in my welfare _sergeant_?" Simon looked back up, more collected than smirking this time.

"No, I'm not concerned about you at all Simon, I could care less what happens to you," she said honestly. It made Simon smile as he nodded slowly, he seemed to appreciate her honesty but with Simon you could just never know and Liv kept her guard up.  
"It's just my duty to follow up on cases," she said but caught Simon's eyes narrowing slightly. _He can see through me. _

Simon had been staring her down but suddenly shrugged, like a dog shrugging of water, and his entire demeanor changed as he turned to Nick. He smiled casually, folded his arms on the table as he again leaned in slightly.

"Tell me detective Nick Amaro, how is… _Amanda_ doing?" They both caught the slight hesitation before he said her name. _Did he want to say Shay? Was he playing with them?  
_"Still smoldering hot? I know you thought so too, I could see it in your eyes when you looked at her," Simon smiled, "You liked watching her up at that stage right? Shedding those skimpy outfits. It turned you on right?"

"Simon," Liv said lecturing. Simon gave Nick a wide smile before he turned his attention to Liv.  
"Olivia," he said, smile fading slightly.

"Do you feel any remorse towards your victims?" she decided to challenge him.  
"Remorse? _Victims_? I don't know what you're talking about Olivia," Simon said, "I set those angels free. They _asked_ me to set them free."

"What about the ones we found in the dumpster Simon? What about Kevin? Liz? Karla? Grace? And what about Olivia Fisher? They didn't ask to be killed did they?"  
"There are always casualties in war Olivia, you know that," Simon winked.

"Amanda didn't ask you to kill her," Liv decided to bring her up even though she hadn't planned to mention her name.  
"And she's not dead either. Or is she?"

Liv had a hard time reading his face. He was still smiling, didn't show a shimmer of angst or deceit but she had a feeling they were getting played.

"She would've asked me though, I could feel she was near. She was ready to give up," Simon said casually, like they were just talking about a grocery list and not someone actually at their brink of what their tolerance level for torture could take.

"It can't be easy coming back from something like that, being that close to death. I mean I saw that she wanted to kill herself. You must've too. You were both there, she had that gun pointed at herself. It would've been so easy for you to give her that mercy, to let her put herself out of that misery. If you truly were her friends you would've granted her that."

Simon gave them a judgmental look.

"_You_ pushed her there," Nick blurted out not able to just listen to him talk trash. Simon turned to Nick while trying to keep his amusement a bay.  
"Amanda's a fighter. Nothing rattles her but you… you deprived her of food and water. Of her dignity and you took away her freedom. You screwed her up. That's not a friend, that's not a _savior_."

"But I am," Simon said anger building up quickly, "a savior."  
"You might want to think so but if that was the case you need to use present tense Simon, you _were_ a savior. You'll not get to anyone any longer. You're finished, you'll rot away in here and you'll never come close to saving anyone ever again," Liv said seeing her chance to lure something out of Simon if she provoked him to speak his mind.

"But I am," Simon shouted making both Liv and Nick jump as he stood up and slammed his fist in to the table, his chair hit the floor with a loud bounce. The nurse took a step closer but now Liv put up her hand towards _him_ instead to make him back off.

"_How_ Simon? How will you ever save someone again?" Liv tried, managing to keep her voice calm.  
"I will," Simon raged but kept standing still with his fists planted on the table.  
"But how? You're stuck in here? You can't reach anyone? There are no angels in here?"  
"Doctor Tennant," Simon said clutching his teeth.  
"Doctor Tennant?" Liv questioned, "How is he involved?"

The nurse had approached Simon carefully and he got his chair up so he could sit back down. Simon waited to sit down though until the nurse had stepped back to his wall.

"He's writing a book," Simon said proudly as he sat down, "About me. He'll get my message out. Through him, through all my angels up there and through Shay, through Amanda, I'll live forever."

"Do you want Amanda dead, Simon?" Liv decided to ask the question straight out. He gave her a strange look.  
"Would you prefer if she was dead Simon?" she asked. Simon shook his head but in a hesitant way.

"You don't want her dead?"  
"I don't know," Simon said silently. He seemed honestly confused.

"If she was here right now," Liv started.  
"Is she here?" Simon asked eagerly looking towards the door and the smaller mirror next to it. He lit up like a little school boy that expected his favorite teacher to walk in to his classroom.

"_If_ she was here Simon, what would you do or tell her then?"  
"I… I would tell her how precious she is," Simon said keeping his eyes on the mirror behind them.

"Precious?" Liv questioned and Simon nodded.  
"So you're not angry with her?" Liv asked but Simon gave her a puzzled look.  
"You're not angry that she got you caught? That she put you here?"

Simon looked at her with puzzled eyes.

"_She_ didn't. _God_ put me here, he's always in charge. He wanted me to meet her and he wants me here for a reason. I pity you sergeant, you must be so lost in this world without him by your side. I hope Amanda hasn't lost her faith has she?"  
"Can you tell me the reason you're here Simon?" Liv asked ignoring his question. But Simon decided to do the same thing to her and turned to Nick instead of answering her.

"You're still a faithful man I hope? Not married any longer though I noticed. I hope you haven't strayed though detective. It's still a sin to lay down with a hussy," Simon smirked.  
"Are you calling Amanda a hussy?" Nick asked and it made Simon chuckle. His mood swings were troubling and hard to keep up with.

"If you say so detective," Simon said once he managed to control his amusement.  
"I'm asking _you_ Simon, is that how you see her?" Nick said managing to keep his calm.

"Isn't that how all of us see her? That's what she is, even if she tried to cover it up. _Playing_ police, _playing_ detective but deep down all she really was was a lost soul. Amanda was Shay, Shay was Amanda. All along that's what she was. A tainted and deformed charlatan. Does she still have you fooled detective?" Simon leaned in over the table and Nick had to fight really hard to not punch him straight in to that ugly mug of his.

"You just called her precious and now you call her a hussy, a charlatan. I don't get it Simon. Can you enlighten me?" Liv said sensing Nick's anger. Simon seemed to like Liv's plead to understand him and turned his eyes at her.

"She's my calling. I can see beyond all that filth, the potential that once were. What's hidden behind her sorrow, behind her shame and her despicable behavior. She doesn't tempt me like she tempts other weak souls," Simon briefly looked Nick's way.  
"I'm the reliable one, and she saw that. Towards the end, she did see that," Simon smiled proudly.

"Do you want to hurt her?" Liv decided to try again using different words.  
"I want to _save_ her," Simon answered.  
"But to save her you have to hurt her right?" Liv asked and Simon nodded slowly. He seemed content that she seemed to grasp his method.

"So do you still want to hurt her?"  
"I did hurt her. I marked her for life didn't I? We will forever be a part of each other's life." Simon sounded eerie calm and callous.

"Would you threaten her if you had the chance?" Liv asked but saw Simon's eyes narrow immediately.  
"Is someone threatening her?" he asked. Liv tried to stay completely still, she hated how Simon seemed to be one step ahead even locked inside this place.

"Would that please you to hear? If that was the case I mean," Liv asked.  
"No." His answer was immediate and sounded honest.

"No?" Liv questioned.  
"She's mine. She's not for anyone else to damage."

"But you had her raped Simon, by someone else, how does that work with your logic?"  
"That was to break her down, to make her susceptible. To break through evil isn't easy sergeant. It was a method sanctioned by the Lord. Sanctioned by him, relayed by me to someone I saw fit to perform a duty."  
"Would you give someone that _duty_ today if you could Simon? Would you give someone permission to hurt her?"

Simon pierced his eyes in to her.

"You think I'm trying to get to her? From in here… That I would…" Simon seemed to drift off in to his own thoughts as though he tried to figure out what was going on.

"Simon?" Liv said hoping to distract him from drifting too far. She feared he would get back to his scheming ways and that they wouldn't get to the truth if he were able to play his games of deception.  
"Simon, if you could talk to her right now what would you tell her?"

Simon turned to her but his eyes were somewhere in the distance and it made Liv feel even more uncomfortable.

"For human semblance in that bestial shade…" he mumbled and Liv shot Nick a confused look. He didn't look at her but looked just as confound as her as he kept observing Simon.

"If she was outside right now Simon," Liv teased and she could tell she got his attention, "If she came here with us and she's outside that window right now watching us, what would you tell her?"

Simon's eyes drifted to the mirror and his face slowly lit up.

"I would tell her how important it was that she kept up the right path," Simon said quietly.  
"That she stuck to the Bible?" Liv asked and Simon nodded.

"Would you recite the Bible to her, like you did down there in that bunker with her?" Simon nodded again but Liv needed to get him talking. Right now he seemed too mesmerized by some envisioned image of Amanda outside that window, he looked manic.

"How would you tell her that if you had a chance Simon? Tell me," Liv tried.  
"She already knows," Simon whispered, a creepy smile spreading over his face.

"How does she know Simon?"  
"I talk to her. I talk to her every day and I know she can hear me."

"How can she hear you Simon. When you're in here and she's out there, how do you reach her Simon?"  
"A bond. We have a bond. It goes from back then all the way to eternity. She knows it. She feels it. I know she feels me. Every time she sees her back she feels me. Every time she sees her hands she knows what I gave up for her and she'll be forever grateful."

"But _how_ do you know? How do you know she hears you?" Liv leaned in a little hoping Simon would look at her instead of the window.  
"Whenever she feels pain she knows I'm right there with her. That I share her pain." Simon kept talking, he'd completely shut them out now.  
"I'm strong enough to carry the pain for her. I gave myself up for her and she knows that. I'm her everything. One day we'll be together again."

Liv gave Nick a quick look. She wasn't sure she could bring Simon back but she gave it a try and asked Simon how he could communicate with Amanda.

"She'll love me just as much as I love her. And if she asked me I would put my hands around her throat, I would squeeze, I would squeeze…"

Simon had brought his hands down to his lap as he started to get mesmerized by the mirror and now it was quite obvious what he was doing down there. Nick got a disgusted look over his face and Liv couldn't help but drag her chair slightly out from the table.

"I would look in to those blue eyes and squeeze, I would squeeze the life out of her." Simon was close to screaming now and he'd managed to pull his eyes from the mirror. Liv shied away even further as he pierced his eyes in to her and when he rose from the table she averted her eyes by turning her head slightly as he'd exposed himself and was in a very erected state.

The door opened and another hefty nurse entered right before Rohrbaugh stepped in. Simon probably thought for a short second that Amanda was coming in through the door and his devastation was evident all over his face as he realized it wasn't.

"She'll die by my hands if she asks me. I love her. Shay is my everything," Simon screamed backing up to get away from the nurses. Both Liv and Nick had gotten up and backed a way as well.  
"You have to tell her I love her," Simon screamed as he launched towards them but he didn't get far as the nurses grabbed him.

"Get out of here right this instance," Rohrbaugh shouted at Liv and Nick but neither one of them wanted to make this any easier for anyone in this room.

"I love her. You can't let anyone else hurt her. She's mine. Shay will be mine. Outcast spawn. A thousand ruined spirits flee. We will kill you all. Kill you all."

Simon screamed uncontrollable as the two nurses pinned him down to the ground. Simon didn't have their weight but the adrenaline pumping through his vein made him strong and they struggled to keep him down. Two other nurses rushed in, one seemed to be holding a syringe with some clear liquid inside.

Simon kept shouting about killing, evil doers and devils and Shay's name was mixed in there. And all while Simon's now slack member flung around outside his jumpsuit. Liv wanted to feel some joy, had wanted to cause Simon some misery even though she hadn't admitted that before they got there, but now all she felt was empty and had a complete conviction that this man could never be allowed to walk freely outside again. He was a threat to Amanda and even if he wasn't behind these threatening texts Liv vouched to make sure Simon would never ever walk around freely ever again.

**Liv and Nick had been** ordered out in to the hallway and finally obeyed as Simon was injected with whatever drugs was in that syringe and seemed to quickly disappear in to lala-land. When Rohrbaugh joined them minutes later he was obviously furious. His cheeks were blazing red in a tone Liv had only seen on Santa or a prostitute with way too much make-up, and he kept pushing his glasses up like some nervous tick as he seemed too angry to even form words and kept pacing in front of them.

"One thing," he finally managed to say, his voice so high pitched Liv couldn't help but smile, "I asked you for one thing and that was to _not_ agitate him. And what do you do? You agitated him. Of course you did."

Liv had a peeve against people who answered their own questions and not even the doctor's high pitched voice amused her any longer.

"I knew I shouldn't have let you in to my hospital. I had a feeling you were bad news," the doctor rambled on.  
"Hey," Liv said raising her voice, "That lunatic is bad news."

Liv gestured towards the room they'd just left.

"He tried to kill our friend. He _did_ kill lots of people and he shows no remorse what so ever. He's the bad news and he's continuing to torment our friend and that has to stop. He needs to be stopped and I promise you I'll go to any length to make sure he rots away somewhere."

"He needs treatment," Rohrbaugh stammered, a bit shocked and Liv figured he might not be used to people talking back to him.  
"What he needs is to be treated the way he treated his victims. He needs to suffer for what he did, not pampered."

"We don't _pamper_ sergeant but we don't punish either," Rohrbaugh said finding some of his stamina again.  
"Well you should." It was Nick's turn to raise his voice.  
"He's an evil, _evil_ man and you heard him, you heard what he'd do to her if he'd ever get his hands on her."

"He will never be able to escape from here. We haven't had an escape in more than forty years," the doctor informed them.  
"Well you better make damn sure of that," Liv said, "and if we find out that doctor Tennant or anyone else of your staff are running that monster's errands, threatening our friend, I swear on my mother's grave I'll come after you so hard you will never ever come near this precious hospital of yours or any other for that matter for the rest of your miserable life doctor. Now let us the hell out of here."

Rohrbaugh looked completely stunned but Liv wasn't ready yet she realized and turned back to him with a raised finger pointed straight at him.

"And you better not stick your nose in our business yet, you'll let us run this investigation without disclosing a single word to anyone but nurse Sernyak, and make sure she doesn't either. We'll talk to every single one on that list and meanwhile I want you to put Simon in solitary, he talks to no one but us. Do you get me doctor?"  
"I… you can't decide that…"  
"But I can, I'll have an injunction delivered to you in less than an hour, that way no blame falls on you in case anything goes wrong, okay doctor?"

Rohrbaugh couldn't do much else than nod.

"Now, get us the hell out of here," Liv said and Rohrbaugh started to move towards the exit.  
"And I'm pretty sure that was a sexual act in there doctor so you might want to get him started on that SOT program after all," Nick added sarcastically.

**Once out on the parking lot**, feeling somewhat safe inside the comfort of their car both Liv and Nick almost simultaneously let out a heavy sigh as they leaned back against their seats.

"That was…" Liv said but didn't get any further.  
"Brutal," Nick filled in with another heavy sigh. Liv was too drained to answer but it was okay since Nick had more to get off his chest.

"That guy… no, you said it better, _monster_ should not get to sculpture and write poems and get a choice of what medicines he gets to take or not take while… Amanda walks around in a body marked by his sick, twisted… games and in her own personal hell every single day. That's just not fair."

Liv turned her head towards Nick, caught him gazing out in to nothing.

"No, it's not fair." She didn't know what else to say, she agreed with him, it wasn't fair on any level. Nick rolled his head her way.  
"We need to make those texts stop, we need to put whoever is opening up her scars again behind bars," he said gravely. Liv nodded. She'd seen that determined face on him before and she was happy he was the steady pillar as she'd hit a slump. She took a deep breath and sat up a little.

"How about we pay doctor Tennant a visit?" she suggested and Nick quickly got the car in gear. Liv dug her phone up out of her pocket as Nick steered them towards Manhattan. They were in need of addresses and phone numbers, and they were also in need of reinforcements.

* * *

_Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me_. (**Psalm 138:7**)

* * *

Fin was flipping through channels when he heard a soft knock on the door. He threw a quick glance at the clock on the TV. It was past eight and he wondered who it could be. He wished it would be Liv with some news and was happy to see her through the peephole.

"Hey," he greeted warmly as he opened the door. He told her to get inside and gave her a spontaneous hug as she passed him.  
"You look wiped," he said once he'd closed the door behind her.  
"It's been a long day," Liv said but kept the smile on her face.

"You should've let me help when I offered," he said hinting to a phone call earlier as Liv and Nick left Broadmare.  
"You did your part here, and I got Winters to come in. I just sent him and Amaro home," Liv reassured.

"You got something?" Fin asked but didn't like the slight frown Liv gave him.  
"Okay let's get you something to drink first," Fin suggested and headed towards the kitchen, "Have you eaten?"  
"Yeah, bits and pieces through the day," Liv said following him. She kept an eye out for Amanda but couldn't see her anywhere around.

"I got a plate of pasta and meatballs if you want," he said hunched inside his fridge.  
"She didn't take a single bite," he said bitterly holding out a plastic covered plate.  
"Thanks but I'm fine. Where is she?" she asked leaning slightly against the counter. Fin held up two cans of soda and Liv pointed to one of them without paying much attention to what was in them. She shook her head when he offered her a glass and then accepted the can he opened for her.

"Amanda?" she reminded him when he still hadn't answered.  
"Oh, cooped up in her room all day," he said gesturing down the hall, "I'm letting her have the day but tomorrow I'm dragging her ass outside."

Liv gave him a smile over the rim of the can.

"So what do you have?" he asked leaning on the other side of the counter. Liv swallowed as she put her can down.  
"You know about the hospital visit and that we didn't find doctor Tennant at home," Liv said summing up the earlier hours of the day, "Tennant has still not responded to any of the phone messages I've left him. His maid refuses to give us the address to the residence in Hamptons he's visiting for the weekend."

Liv rolled her eyes. She was fed up with the runarounds Tennant had sent them on today. He was the number one person she wanted to talk to and so far he'd been impossible to get a hold of.

"We've been able to cross three orderlies off the list of suspects anyway. A forth one was a bit suspicious so we're keeping him on it until we've checked him out a little further."

Liv stopped to take a deep breath as she tried to recall every visit they'd made today, there had been plenty of them.

"And we talked to one other attending psychiatrist, he rarely spent time with Simon though. But he had discussed Simon with Tennant. He did confirm that Simon is one of the patients Tennant is using for his new book," Liv exchanged a troubled look with Fin, "Winters talked to the staff nurse, according to him she might not even know how to send a text. He also talked to the orderly from the kitchen, the one that serves Simon his food every day and they apparently talk quite a lot so we're going to check him out a little further but Winters got a good vibe of him. We have five or six people coming in to the station tomorrow. This chief nurse Sernyak is one of them, we met her briefly earlier. She seems to know a lot and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to give us the scoop if we weren't able to piss her off too during our visit to Broadmare earlier. It will be a busy day tomorrow."

"You need me?" Fin asked immediately but Liv shook her head.  
"No, just make sure _she's_ okay. Amaro and Winters will help and I might get more reinforcements. I informed 1PP…" Liv caught Fin's frown.  
"I had to Fin but it's all good, they were really concerned and wanted us to priorities this."

Liv had another mouthful of her soda, she hadn't realized how much she craved fluids.

"Has she received any more texts?" Liv asked once she'd emptied the can. Fin nodded.  
"Two, just as we were about to sit down and eat. I think that's what made her lose her appetite," Fin said with a grunt.

"Did you… have you briefed her?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah," Fin nodded, "after your last call, I told her you'd been to the hospital and that you had trouble finding the shrink."  
"How did she take it?"  
"I dunno really, she was tucked down, said she was okay when I asked," Fin said shrugging slightly.

"Do you mind if I…" Liv started and gestured down the hall.  
"No, go ahead," he said pushing himself off the counter.  
"Do you think _she'll_ mind?" Liv asked though without moving.  
"Just go Liv," Fin said as he grabbed her empty can.

Liv made her way down the hall. It had been at least since before the summer she was here last and then she'd just briefly been in the kitchen as she was handing off some stuff for her detectives. She found the door to Amanda's bedroom slightly open and she softly knocked on it before she tried to prevent herself from peeking inside. She wanted Amanda to give her the go-ahead that it was okay to invade her private sphere. When she didn't hear anything though she peeked a little as she knocked again. She called out her name softly when she couldn't spot her on her bed. She wondered if she perhaps wasn't in there after all when she still heard nothing.

"Amanda?" she called out again grabbing the door as she shoved it open a little further.  
"Yeah?" she heard and caught Amanda stepping out of her closet. She seemed a little flustered but Liv figured it might just been the slight surprise of getting a visitor. Amanda brushed down her hair slightly and then Liv caught her pulling down her sleeves as she so often did.

"Can I come in?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded briskly.

"How are you doing?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded again, less briskly this time around though. Liv would've preferred a verbal answer but she settled with the one she got. Liv looked around a little, familiarizing herself with the room as it had been a very long time since she'd been in there last. Fin had told her they'd made it a little more Amanda's and Liv could spot some small changes. She saw a framed photo of Amanda and Kim as teenagers. She spotted an Atlanta Braves shirt on the wall and not far from it a painting she was pretty sure hadn't been in there last time she visited this room.

Liv spotted Amanda squirming a little and Liv shot her a smile that she awkwardly responded to.

"Can we sit down?" Liv asked gesturing towards the bed as it was the only surface she could see that met her needs.  
"Sure," Amanda said, hurried over there and swept the cover over the bed as best she could.

Liv had a seat by the foot of the bed and once she was seated Amanda climbed up on the other end. Liv noticed she was barefoot and her toe nails were colored light pink. Amanda folded herself up and again Liv saw her pull at her sleeves. She looked so young. In oversized clothes, without make-up and hair slightly ruffled, she looked so young. But Liv knew that if you looked her in the eyes, really looked at her, you could see the toll life had taken on her. She was wise beyond her years and with a baggage Liv wish she didn't have to carry.

Liv cleared her throat a little, she knew she had to wise up. She wasn't Amanda's mom, she was her boss and she had to act accordingly.

"You saw him?" Amanda asked since she could tell Liv had a hard time with where to start. Liv nodded.  
"Did he… I mean… Did… he talk about me?" Amanda bit her lip when she managed to finally finish the sentence. Liv looked at her, contemplating what to say. Amanda deserved nothing else than the absolute truth but there were different ways to give it to her and Liv wanted to present it with the least amount of damage done.

"Yes he did, of course he did," Liv said.  
"Wh… What…," Amanda felt her throat close up and whispered a 'damn it'.  
"The doctor in charge of the hospital told me he mentions you often. He speaks very fondly of you," Liv tried to keep her voice soft but not as soft as when she spoke to victims. Amanda had accused her once of talking to her like she was a victim and the last thing Liv wanted to do right now was to upset her.

"Fondly?" Amanda repeated quietly and Liv nodded slightly to acknowledge that.  
"We still haven't been able to reach his psychiatrist but from what we know so far he talks a lot about you in therapy."

"W-what does he say about me?" Amanda asked nervously.  
"He says you two have a bond, that you were supposed to meet each other," Liv said carefully.  
"Is that what he told you as well?"

Liv hesitated and Amanda of course caught it.

"Tell me what he said," she close to demanded. Liv could tell her breathe had picked up but when Liv nodded Amanda seemed to calm down quickly.  
"He wanted to know how you were doing, if you still worked with us…"

"So he's not sending the texts then? He doesn't know where I am?"  
"We can't be sure of that yet Amanda. He's still very manipulative," Liv told her. She let Amanda have a few seconds to just breathe as she seemed to think about what Liv had just told her.

"What did you tell him? About me," Amanda asked.  
"We didn't tell him anything Amanda. We wouldn't give him anything," Liv said and watched Amanda swallow hard. Amanda looked to the bed stand as though she searched for something but then her eyes came back to Liv.

"So what happened?" she asked.

"We tried to find out what he knew about you. As I told you he's still very manipulative and he tried to turn the questions around of course," Liv said and Amanda nodded. She remembered his ways, she remembered them very well right at this very moment. She'd pulled her hands completely inside her long sleeves and she caught herself pumping her fist as they hurt slightly. She tried to relax a little, she didn't want Liv to worry about her.

"Yeah he was good at that," she acknowledged.  
"He seems to think he'll have a vital part in his psychiatrist's upcoming book, that the psychiatrist will help him spread his word to live according to the Bible."

"Could he? Would he do that?" Amanda asked anxiously but Liv shook her head.  
"He won't do that. It might all just be in Simon's head," Liv caught Amanda's reaction when she heard Simon's name. It was like a smaller shock wave hit her front and she seemed to lose her breath for a moment. Liv waited until she saw Amanda gather herself before she went on.

"The chief said the psychiatrist isn't allowed to use actual, ongoing cases in his book and we will make sure that's the case when we talk to him."  
"So he can't mention me either?" Amanda asked and Liv shook her head.  
"Absolutely not. You don't have to worry about that Amanda," Liv reassured her but it didn't seem sufficient enough as Liv could tell Amanda was still fidgeting inside her sleeves and her entire body seemed rigid and uncomfortable.

"What else did he say?" Amanda asked.  
"Just a lot of religious talk. About God's plan…"  
"What about his plan?"  
"Well he didn't exactly say, just that it was God's plan for him to be there. He didn't blame you for getting caught."  
"He didn't?"  
"No he didn't," Liv said and could tell Amanda felt a bit relieved to hear that. Liv wasn't sure if that was a good thing though. _Could she really feel some remorse for Simon being caught? Hadn't that been the purpose of going after him in the first place?_

"Did you ask him about the texts?" Amanda asked after a rather long silent pause during which Liv had watched Amanda zoom out a little as she seemed lost in her thoughts.  
"Not straight out but I think he figured out you were getting threats."  
"Why? How?" Amanda seemed anxious again.  
"We had to try and get to the truth Amanda. You know how that works, sometimes suspects figure things out," Liv said calmly.

"And do you… I mean… D-do you think he's behind them?" Amanda seemed almost afraid to ask the question.  
"I don't know Amanda. He went back and forth a lot but my gut feeling is telling me he's _not_ the one behind them. We will make sure though. We're talking to everyone he comes in contact with."

"And all those people knows about me?"  
"They know of the person Simon talks about yes. They don't know the real you Amanda," Liv tried a soft smile.

"Simon doesn't know the real me?" Amanda asked. The question troubled Liv.  
"What do you mean Amanda?" she asked.  
"Oh… nothing," Amanda said smiling awkwardly, "I don't like that he talks about me though."

"I can understand that," Liv said. They sat in silence for a while. Amanda tucked her hands in her lap to try and keep from fidgeting. Liv observed her as she seemed to drift of somewhere.

"Is there something else you like to know Amanda? About our visit with him?" Liv asked after a while.  
"Is there something else to tell?" Amanda asked right back.  
"There's no easy way to say it but I don't want to hold anything back from you. He is still very obsessed with you and we will have to make sure he stays where he is."  
"He could really talk someone in to hurting me right?"

"They're professionals Amanda…" Liv started but Amanda cut her off.  
"But we know there's crazy everywhere…"

"If someone from the hospital is doing this we will get to that person Amanda. We're questioning everyone who's been in contact with him. We won't stop until we find this person."  
"What if we don't get to him in time?"

"What do you mean Amanda?"  
"What if it escalates? What if he gets to me?"  
"Amanda he won't get to you," Liv said leaning slightly forward. Her hand moved out on the bed towards Amanda.  
"No, I know. Of course not, I'm just being silly," Amanda said as causal as she was able to and got off the bed.

She started to move towards the window but Liv saw her hesitation before she reached it and then she turned another way leaving her by the bookshelf with Ken's basketball trophies.

"It's okay to be scared Amanda," Liv tried carefully.  
"I'm not scared," Amanda said quickly, too quickly for Liv to completely buy it.

"I'm just saying it is okay and we would understand if you were. I was scared facing off with Simon today," Liv admitted.  
"Why?" Amanda asked with a chuckle, "He's locked up. He's just a… stupid, and crazy… person. He's nothing to be scared of."

Amanda caught herself pacing a little and stopped immediately. She gave Liv a look and tried her best to smile at her.

"I need to… just like use the bathroom," Amanda said and rushed out of the room. Liv took a deep breath and then got off the bed. She'd heard the bathroom door close and Fin must've too as she spotted him in the hallway as she reached the door.

"How did it go?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. Liv shrugged slightly and pushed her hands down her pockets.  
"I know the feeling," he mumbled and looked down towards the door at the end of the hallway. It was the first time he'd seen her willingly close a door behind her.

**Liv would stay** for a while longer. She tried, with Fin present, to reach Amanda. To just get her to talk about anything but Amanda kept fleeing her usual ways, by moving away slightly or by finding something she needed to do or fetch, all while pretending everything was fine when it so obviously wasn't. Liv could tell she did more harm than good and after a quick exchange of glances with Fin she let Amanda know she would head out. Liv told them that she would check in with them tomorrow, let them know how the interviews went.

When Liv had left Fin managed to talk Amanda in to sitting down in front of the TV for a while. She kept fidgeting for some time, her entire body seemed restless and every attempt he made to get closer to her failed. Finally he just let her be and tried to find solace with her at least just staying on the couch with him even if the distance was further than he liked it to be.

Once he'd stopped crowding her she started to unwind. He could tell her body started to relax and after that it didn't take long until she'd fallen asleep. He turned the TV off and then draped her with a blanket hoping she would get at least a few hours of peaceful sleep tonight. He figured she really needed it after last night. He'd heard her pace around the apartment at odd hours of the night.

* * *

_"But the wicked are like the tossing sea, for it cannot be quiet, and its waters toss up refuse and mud. "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked.""_ (**Isaiah 57:20-21**)

* * *

**Liv, Nick and Keith** all met at the station at 9 AM as agreed. Liv had slipped in a little earlier and bought something to eat for them. It was the least she could do for her detectives coming in on their day off, she knew neither one of them complained though. They would divide and conquer today. They had five orderlies coming in, a medical nurse, one consulting psychiatrist, the medical director and of course nurse Sernyak. That still left plenty more to talk to though and Liv would take the first round on the phone list as well as try to get in touch with doctor Tennant again.

Nick had spent the night digging up everything he could on doctor Tennant and briefed Liv and Keith what he'd found. Aaron Philip Tennant was born 1955 in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Both parents were doctors, money seemed to be of no shortage and both the Tennants children had gone to prestigious schools. The younger brother had gone to law school while the older followed in their parents' footsteps earning his doctor degree. Once finished with medical school he'd studied on to become a psychiatrist. He'd practiced in New York his entire career. He married at age 40 and together with his wife Anya he had two children.

They lived in Manhattan. Wife Anya was a stay at home mom even though the children now were well in their teens. Anya came from a wealthy, NY-bread family, was involved in charity work and had no criminal record. Their children attended the same private school, had many after school activities and were both honor students.

Doctor Tennant seemed prominent in his field. He was mentioned in numerous publications and in 2002 he'd released his book 'The Psychopath next door' which had earned him fame even outside his own field of work. The anticipation for his second book was high but none had been released. Until now it seemed.

Tennant had worked for several distinguished clinics and been tied to Broadmare since 2010. He also saw patients privately out of his Manhattan home. Tennant had no previous charges. Two patients had filed charges for transgressions a few years apart but both had been cleared by two different medical boards. Nick had, after some fawning, got the Tennant's maid to tell him what friend the family was staying with in the Hamptons. Nick had left a message on this friend's voicemail and asked him to tell doctor Tennant to get in touch with the NYPD. They decided to go out to the Hamptons once they were finished with the interviews if Tennant still hadn't responded.

They just had time to finish when one of the first orderlies came in and Nick took him back to an interrogation room after offering him some coffee. Liv stayed to greet the second orderly coming in and then let Keith take him to the interview room as she withdrew to her office to try and reach the people they still hadn't been in contact with.

Several hours later they'd talked to everyone they'd scheduled to come in to the station. Nurse Sernyak had not been ill willed towards them and given them a lot of useful information about the staff and routines of the hospital. Unlike Rohrbaugh she seemed completely aware of what kind of monster Simon was but she reassured them Simon wasn't treated as though he was at a five star hotel. He wasn't willing to participate in some of the treatment competent doctors had ordinated for him but then that left him locked in a room without any benefits or special treatment. So it wasn't just the glossy treatment facility as Rohrbaugh sometimes liked to paint it as.

Sernyak told them it was okay to call her if she could do anything else to help them out and Nick upped her friendly disposition towards them even further by offer her a ride home as he needed to make a house call to another staff member. They also managed to squeeze in lunch somehow. They'd just sat down to do a briefing and see who they could cross off the suspect list when Liv's phone rang. It was doctor Tennant.

He apologized for not getting in touch earlier, excused it with having been out on his friends boat for the entire weekend for some deep water fishing and apparently the reception had been lousy out on the sea. Yes his wife had been with him as well and yes they'd caught some big fishes. But no, today would not be a good day to talk to the police but he'd be in the city tomorrow and would more than gladly stop by the station then.

Liv gave it a second's thought but then asked him if they could stop by his residence instead. She didn't want him anywhere near Amanda if he was behind this. Tennant didn't hesitate and they decided ten would be a good time. Tennant said he would alert the doorman so they wouldn't run in to any hassle at the entrance.

When they had no more people coming in to the station Liv managed to talk Winters in to going home. She told him she needed him refreshed tomorrow since they had another long night ahead trying to catch the bar hopping rapist. Liv had used the same speech on Nick but noticed that he stalled until Winters had left and then came back in to her office.

"Maybe we could just try to go around to another few on the list?" he suggested. Liv sighed and shook her head at him a little but she couldn't help but smile. She couldn't scold him for being persevering when it came to a colleague's safety.  
"Okay, let's see if we can catch another few," she agreed, "but I need to check in with Fin first."  
"Can I hang around or you want me to…" he gestured out towards the squad room.  
"Stay," she said softly as she picked up the phone.

**Sunday at the Tutuola's household** had started out a little unnerving. She'd still been sleeping on the couch when he finally went to bed. An hour or two later he heard her in the shower and then a couple of hours after that he'd woken up again, this time by an unfamiliar sound that made him get up out of bed.

Her room had been completely lit up but empty and then he'd met her in the hallway as she were walking back there. He'd asked her what was going on but she'd just brushed him off and mumbled something about being thirsty. Something didn't sit right though and he walked out just to have a look around. The lights that he'd left on when he went to bed were still lit. He couldn't see a glass in the sink but she could've had water straight from the tap, he'd seen her drink that way before. He shot a look at the front door. The chain was on. He tried to think back if he'd forgot to put it on or not before bed but he just couldn't recall. He sighed and walked back to her room. He went in to have a look at her but she'd tucked herself in and seemed annoyed when he tried to engage her in some conversation. He asked her if she wanted him to stay, even though Ken's bed was not a king sized as his own both of them had spent a few nights in there together. She'd snipped him off though and he'd felt a little offended as he walked back to his own room but he'd still drifted back to sleep rather easily.

Since they didn't have to set an alarm he'd slept too long, it wasn't unusual for him. Any other day he would've expected her to be out on a run or something else since she rarely slept more than eight hours a night. But since these days really weren't as any others he wanted to get eyes on her as soon as possible and skipped just stretching in bed for a while. The door to the bathroom was open and the room empty. Her bedroom door was open as usual and he couldn't spot her in there. When he walked out and couldn't find her in either the living room or kitchen though he started to get worried. He called out her name as he walked to the door to see if her running shoes were gone. He would hate her for going out on a run on her own right now but then at least he'd know where she was. But her running shoes were still in their usual spot. He saw her regular sneakers as well and the boots they'd collected from the storage downstairs as the fall weather would soon be on their backs.

"Amanda," he called out even louder and started to make his way back down the hall. When he spotted her in the doorframe to her room he felt an odd mix of relief, surprise and anger.

"Where were you?" he asked as he brought her in to his embrace. She just followed like a rag doll and sounded surprised when she said she'd been right there.  
"Okay well then good," Fin said as he let her go. He'd shoved the hood of her hoodie to the side as he embraced her and he straighten it a little as he tried to get a read on her. The rings under her eyes didn't look worse than yesterday but he still worried she hadn't gotten much sleep and that he should've maybe made sure she had.

"So I'm hungry," he said, "wanna head out for some brunch?"

She immediately got a tiny crease between her eyes. Her bangs were swept to one side so the disapproval was clear on her face.

"Not really _that_ hungry," she tried but Fin had a hard time believing her. He figured she either didn't want to eat or she didn't want to go outside.  
"Well then just get something light, I'll get dressed," he said and started walking back to his room to not give her room to argue.

"I'm not hungry Fin," she said to his back though.  
"Then just keep me company," he said and took a detour to the bathroom before he got dressed. He skipped a shower, thought he'd just take one tonight, and instead got dressed. When he got back to her room though she'd tucked herself down again.

"Hey c'mon," he called out.  
"I'm really tired Fin," she said and Fin couldn't help but smile. _So it was going outside that was the problem_, he thought to himself.  
"C'mon, you can sleep later," he said, placing his knee on her bed so he could rub her arm slightly.  
"Fin," she complained and shrugged him off. He looked at her for a while but then rubbed her arm a little harder.

"We're going outside today Manda," he said, "might as well get through it now."  
"What? What are you talking about Fin?" she complained and tried shrugging again.  
"You're clearly stalling which makes me wonder if you're afraid to go outside again."  
"_Again_? Are you complaining Fin," she said and pulled the cover over her head.  
"Not complaining, I'm worried about you Amanda."

"Well you can stop that, you don't have to worry about me any longer," she mumbled from beneath the cover.  
"You don't get to decide that right now, someone else made that choice for you and I understand that you're scared."  
"Not scared," she said defiant from the cover.  
"Okay but_ I_ am," Fin confessed, "I'm scared that we don't know who's behind the texts and I'm scared what it's doing to you. You've come so far Amanda, I don't want you to fall back now. I don't want to lose my partner again."

She remained silent under the cover and he just watched her still form until she finally threw the cover off her head.

"Okay then," she said underneath a mess of blonde tassels, "let's go out to feed you."

He smiled as he watched her try and kick off her cover and then helped out as she got tangled up a bit.

"What?" she asked a bit defiant but with a slight smile over her face as she came around the bed and noticed his foolish smile. He grabbed her arm and wheeled her in to his embrace. She struggled a little but not to the point he let her go and then she ended up comfortably in his arms.

"You're the strongest, bravest, most amazing woman I know," he whispered and kissed the top of her hair.  
"Don't forget smartest," he heard her mumble against his chest and it made him chuckle.  
"Argh let me go," she complained but he could hear amusement in her voice even though she shoved herself away from him a little brusquely.

She said she needed to use the bathroom before they left and he worried she was still stalling and would find a way to not have to go out after all. He tried to be patient and not let her see his concern as she finally came down the hallway.

"Ready?" he asked and she nodded. It seemed she still struggled with the decision to go outside though. He'd never seen her take such long time to get her sneakers on, not even when her feet were still healing from the burns had it taken this long. He didn't say anything though, just let her take the time she needed to gather herself. He saw her stop plenty of times while she tied her sneakers and just push to fingers together as though she was testing something. Testing something to him obscure though. Still he didn't say anything. Not until her sneakers had been tied for a while and she remained just sitting on the floor observing the scar on her right hand.

"Okay let's go then," he said and pulled her from whatever thought had overwhelmed her. He gave her his hand and helped her up off the floor. She seemed a bit anxious, pushed her hands down the kangaroo pocket in her hoodie and her smile looked awkward.

"Okay?" he asked and it was both a question if she was ready to head outside and if she was okay. She nodded but then gulped slightly as he opened the door.  
"It will be fine, I'll be right there with you," he said.  
"I know," she said a bit offended but couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that kept swirling down her gut. _What if someone was watching her? What if someone was waiting for her outside? What if Simon could see her? What if he really could see her? Would he approve of her living? What would he think of her?_

"Amanda?" Fin said as he saw her drift off in her thoughts.  
"Huh? Yeah, let's just do this," she said gathering all the courage she could find inside herself. They made their way outside and down the hall. He could tell she was tense and he got flashbacks from two years ago when they tried this walk several times and failing each time. This time though it seemed to go rather smoothly so far. She was a little jumpy, looking around at any noise but she kept walking forward and soon they were out on the street.

"Where to?" she asked impatiently as she was looking around as though she was expecting to see someone. It made him look around as well, _what if the guy sending the texts was stalking her too? Maybe he should ask Liv to get a car to sit on her just in case?_

They had grits on the menu at the place he'd planned to take her and he was hoping to get some in her since he knew she liked it. It wasn't too far away but would at least give them a little walk. He took his picks from the menu and then ordered for her as she was mostly staring blindly on the menu and didn't pay the waitress much attention. Unfortunately she paid the food about the same attention and mostly pushed it around the bowl.

He did manage to engage her in some conversation though and even lured a chuckle out of her. They took a stroll after brunch and she seemed to relax a little. That was until her phone buzzed.

"It's him," she said with a shaky voice and Fin could see her hand shake as well. She looked around, searching for anyone that might be watching them as her finger moved over her screen to open up the text from the unknown number.  
"I can't," she whispered, "I can't read it." She handed her phone to Fin and he threw a quick look at it. He saw the word '_redemption'_, '_defiled'_ and a Bible reference at the end of the text.

"You wanna head home?" he asked and she nodded eagerly. He kept her phone as they started to walk home. They didn't say much on the way home. He got influenced by her constant watchful eye and found himself looking around as well for anyone that might be following them. The phone buzzed one more time just as they got home and he caught her flinching by the sound.

"What if I call him? Right now?" Fin said feeling really annoyed by the powerlessness to do anything to fight back.  
"Liv said we shouldn't yet," Amanda reminded him but looked a little engrossed.

"But what if it makes him stop? What if it's all it takes, just hearing someone challenge him?"  
"What if it makes him go underground? What if he doesn't reach out again? What if he changes methods?"

Amanda looked scared now. She remembered vividly getting that cloth over her mouth, that sweet smell before everything went black. Waking up hanging from the ceiling. Feeling sore all over and cold, so very cold.

Fin just watched her for a while, realizing he couldn't act on emotions right now, they had to be smarter than that. He gave her a nod and she went further inside the apartment while he put the chain on the door. He figured it would be best to stay inside for the rest of the day. He'd know where she was, she would be able to relax a little and hopefully Liv would check in with some good news later on.

But news wouldn't be good, news would be no real news. Yes Liv was able to cross a few suspects off the list but they were still plenty of names on it and the most likely one was still keeping himself inaccessible for the police. Outrageous. And that's what Fin told Liv. She didn't object but told him doctor Tennant had sounded very willing to talk to them and she would take Nick with her to see him in the morning.

He let her know about the new texts and asked her if TARU had any luck. She let him know they'd managed to track some of the numbers to a certain brand of disposable phones but since they were really common it would be hard to track them further. He raised the idea with her about answering one of the texts. He could do it, posing as Amanda and just see if they got a response. Liv said they could talk more about it in the morning, she felt it was best to talk to the hospital staff first just to not warn them the police was investigating.

Fin didn't say it out loud but he was pretty sure if it was someone at the hospital they already knew the police was on the case after the spectacle Simon had raised during the interview. Liv had given him a little more details than she'd given Amanda about what had taken place. And if Broadmare was anything like their station everyone working there probably knew about the intrusive guests that had graced their hospital.

Amanda had spent some time tucked down in her bed after they came back from brunch. He'd tried different approaches to lure her out of her room but nothing had worked. If she wasn't tucked in or hovered over a book she was hiding in the curtains spying out on the street even though she said she was only watching the clouds go by. After Liv had checked in he'd gone in to tell her what little he had to tell her but after that he'd at least managed to talk her in to help him make dinner. Of course she'd added she wasn't hungry but he'd learnt to discard from that by now.

Since none of them were whizzes in the kitchen he'd found a recipe he tried to follow. Amanda was always on him to eat more vegetables so he let her be in charge of the greens. He put some music on and as they chopped and cooked they managed to relax for a while and they found themselves getting in to some of their usual banter. Fin chuckled extra heartfelt when Amanda gave him a real slam and he tossed a slice of potato her way which made her laugh in a most delightful way.

Fin treasured that they managed to keep the easy-going mood even once they were done preparing dinner. He smiled as he watched Amanda set the counter. It had been a while since she'd done that, at least the more advanced way by folding napkins a little neatly by their plates and arranging the utensils next to it. She'd told him once that she used to do it that way with her sister as they were kids.

If Kim had been a little upset about them being on their own and maybe if they were left with very little food Amanda had pretended that they were having a fancy dinner. She'd set the table for them and then they'd pretended they were princesses in their very own make believe castle. Kim got to decide which color their dresses were and how many frills their skirts had. Amanda had been in charge of changing whatever crumbs they had on their plates. The frozen peas would be magic teardrops shed by the king oaks in the enchanted forest just for them, the princesses of Loganville. The canned tuna was rainbow fishes that swam up a stream and through a net to shred themselves for them.

Fin was amazed by the young Amanda's imagination and the few times she let him have glimpses of her childhood he always enjoyed them even when they were hard to listen to. There was always a tragic backstory to every glimpse but Amanda always seemed to be able to tell it without bitterness. As though she was back there in her childhood for a few moments and all she could feel was happiness to relive a more innocent time with her sister still around.

Tonight though he didn't get one of those glimpses but he still enjoyed the time they spent together. She teased him about the poor season his favorite football team had so far and even though he pretended to act offended he secretly enjoyed it. They ended up on the couch after dinner, leaving the dishes for later or perhaps tomorrow. She'd eaten more than he'd seen her eat for a few days now but since she hadn't had much more today he figured she really needed it.

It made her feel stuffed though and it didn't take long until she fell asleep next to him on the couch. He knew he could leave her there, that the couch was a pretty decent surface but he preferred she spent the night in a proper bed and he carefully lifted her up in his arms. He hesitated outside her room but then continued down to his own room and just as carefully put her down with her head on one of his pillows. He let her stay dressed and covered her with the light blanket that was on the foot of his bed.

He sat down beside her for a few minutes and just watched her as he stroke away some strands of hair from her face. He traced her eyebrows with his fingers and then went down the side of her cheek. He wanted to be able to just enjoy the moment of seeing her peaceful but Simon and whatever bastard he'd managed to coax to torment her ruined that for him. _Why could he not let her be? Wasn't it enough she carried the memories of him? Did he have to make himself even more present?_

**Monday morning they** were all getting ready on their own ends at about the same time. Liv woke up in her own bed, alone and her thoughts immediately went to doctor Tennant and the encounter with him that awaited her within a few hours. She wondered what kind of man she would meet. _Would it be another doctor Rohrbaugh and would she have to crawl for him? She would if she had to to get to the truth. Would he be the one? Would he be the one that was sending texts to Amanda to either get material for his next book or because Simon had manipulated him?_ Either way she would get to the truth today and as she went through the momentum of her morning she thought of ways to get to the truth.

Nick also woke up alone in his bed and laid there listening to the silence for a while. He missed waking up next to someone but most of all he missed the luxury of waking up in the same place as his daughter every new morning. He hoped his son would want to stay the night at some point, he was old enough to make up his own mind now and Nick would lie if he didn't admit it hurt that he chose not to spend time with his father. He felt robbed of the opportunity to be a father to him and now he felt robbed by Maria for moving his daughter all the way to California. The job helped with the loneliness and just getting through the day. Today would be a big day. They had the interview with Tennant first and then tonight they were doing the decoy operation again. _He wondered how Amanda was dealing with everything. _

Keith didn't wake up alone and not in his own bed either. He looked at the strange surroundings for a while, it looked very different in the daylight even though he hadn't really spent much time looking around at all when he got there last night. He rolled over on his side and looked down into the face he _did_ spend a lot of time observing last night. He couldn't help but caress her face and the brunettes eyelashes flickered open. They exchanged good mornings and he watched her stretch out her partly covered body.

He smiled and caressed her face again but this time she grabbed it as she declared she had to get ready for work. He knew he had to as well so it was no big deal but when he asked her if he could call her later her frowning face gave him the answer even before she said it. It had just been a one night stand for her and he tried to pretend that it didn't hurt as he got dressed and sneaked out of her apartment. He was grateful they had a busy day today.

Fin slowly woke up and the sensation of Amanda's warm body against his own made him feel good. His arm laid heavy over her curled up body in front of him and their hands were connected. Once he managed to open his eyes though reality set in and it did its best to invade the good feeling he had. The sight of her clammy neck and her tousled hair made him recall the ghastly night they'd just fought through. Even though she was sleeping her hand almost had a frantic grip around his own.

When he swallowed he could taste blood in his mouth and his tongue went directly to the cut he knew he had in his lower lip. Her nightmares had gotten so animated lately, they reminded him a lot of the ones she had years ago. He knew he wasn't the one she fought but it still pained him to be the one that had to sustain the blows as he tried to rip her from whatever terror had her in her sleep. It didn't pain him physically, he'd take any cuts and bruises, no it was the pain inside that was harder to deal with. He was back to wondering if she would ever experience another night without horrific nightmares.

He reluctantly tore himself from her, he did it as carefully as possible hoping she would be able to get a little more much needed sleep. He knew he couldn't let her sleep much longer though, she had an appointment with her psychiatrist, doctor Elizabeth Olivet, in less than two hours. He knew she'd rescheduled last week's appointment so it was important she went today. He knew there were things he couldn't help her through but that he hoped Olivet could help her with.

She usually didn't try to get out of Olivet's appointments but today, just like the last couple of weeks, she again tried to come up with reasons to blow it off. He had answers for all of them though and drove the car decisively towards Olivet's practice with a dispirited partner by his side. The situation wasn't helped by the fact he would wait for her outside to make sure she got to the station safely afterwards and it made her feel even more coddled, something she hadn't been even as a toddler and would prefer never to be.

He shouted after her through an open car window that he would park just across the street and he caught the glare she threw him over her shoulder. He stayed until he'd seen her go in to the high glass building, something made him worried she would try and flee and he would've preferred to ride up with her all the way to Olivet's door. He would've actually preferred to stay with her. He had this uncanny feeling she wasn't safe anywhere except for with him.

Just as Amanda made her way up the tall building, uncomfortably crowded in the elevator by business suits and a few other plain clothed people much like herself, Liv and Nick walked through the grand entrance to doctor Tennant's apartment building. As they flashed their badges to the doorman and was guided over to an impressive mirror elevator while the doorman told them he would announce their arrival to doctor Tennant, Amanda made yet another tiresome stop on her way up to Olivet's floor. _At least the crowd thinned out_, she thought to herself as so many times before.

Before she'd reached the right floor Liv and Nick's elevator had arrived and brought them upstairs. They reached Tennant's floor and saw a young woman in a black and white uniform wait for them by an open door.

"This way for doctor Tennant's office please," she smiled softly for them and gestured them inwards. Liv and Nick stepped inside the noble Manhattan residence that also functioned as Tennant's private practice just as Amanda let out a heavy sigh as she read the now familiar letters on the door in front of her. Doctor Elizabeth Olivet, M.D.

* * *

*DUN-DUN*


	5. Chapter 5: Peril

I love reading your reviews and I love when you figure things out even though they're not really spelled out :)  
I've borrowed a lot of what Dr Tennant says from Scott A Bonn, he's examined criminal motives and behavior and I find his views on psychopaths and sociopaths interesting. He has a column called "Wicked deeds" on Psychology Today if you want to read more from/of him.  
There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, I hope you don't find it boring. A lot of detective work. No real warnings in this chapter. Happy reading!

* * *

**Chapter 5: Peril**

* * *

_When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves_. ~ Victor Frankl

* * *

Amanda stepped through the door to doctor Elizabeth Olivet's small practice. Suddenly it felt just like two years ago, those first couple of grueling months when doctor Olivet's practice was the last place she wanted to be at. When Olivet was just one of many people she hated to be observed by but one of the few she felt could see right through her which made her even more of a threat.

She would probably never get used to being probed or having to open up but after a few months it didn't feel as uncomfortable any longer. Olivet wasn't as intrusive as she thought shrinks would be, her humor was a bit dry but she was okay. Amanda realized rather quickly though that she was sneaky, that you had to watch yourself cause she had a way of figuring things out by asking rather innocent questions but then reading between the lines as you answered them.

So Amanda knew to keep guarded. There were things she just couldn't let Olivet know even though she might like her a bit. Amanda had been stabbed in the back by people she liked, there were just things you couldn't tell others, that they wouldn't understand. Things that would make they understand just how screwed up you really was.

She could lie about a lot of things to herself but there was one thing she didn't hide from herself. She was screwed up. She was an SVU detective but still withheld it had been nothing wrong with her, at only 14, to sleep with a grown man. That went against everything they worked for in her squad and she just knew Olivia questioned her judgment whenever they had a case of under aged girls with older men. Even Amanda questioned herself, how could Olivia not? But she could still not see Danny as a perpetrator.

So that was one thing she kept from Olivet. Talking about Gordon and that dreadful night she'd been forced to spend alone with him was another thing she rather not talk about with Olivet. But Olivet knew that secret, at least she knew parts of it and it meant Olivia at some point had to have talked to Olivet. A notion that didn't sit well with Amanda, it made her feel conspired at. If Amanda hadn't collected that evidence, the scraping from underneath her fingernails and the semen Gordon had left on her and that had dried up and been useless anyway, then maybe not even Olivia would have known. She would've been able to keep that horrible experience buried in that dark pit inside of her.

In the pit where other indiscretions and matters that were just too hard to handle rested. Memories from her childhood that were worse than getting punched and humiliated by her mother. Things and actions she had to endure to get her sister off the hook or to get them food or shelter when their mom felt like just kicking them out of _her_ house. It was a lot of things in her life she wasn't proud of and as long as they stayed down in that dark pit she could at least breathe.

"Amanda, nice to see you," Olivet said as soon as she stepped inside. She'd been standing by the desk in the waiting room. Amanda shot her a smile as her throat felt closed up right now.

"Come right in, I had a cancellation before you," Olivet said and gestured her inside.

As usual Olivet offered her a glass of water but Amanda shook her off and instead took a seat in her usual spot. She kept her jacket on and she could tell Olivet threw her a glance as she walked over to her desk to fetch her pen and notepad. She wished she could relax a little, she just knew Olivet would see right through her, she would know something was wrong.

"So I missed you last week…" Olivet said as she came back over.

She sat down and folded her legs as she usually did before she put her pad down on her lap. Amanda had observed her plenty of times, she figured she had a right to figure out her quirks just like she'd probably picked up on Amanda's.

"Last time we did see each other though," Olivet said when Amanda didn't say anything, "you seemed a little distant and I can't help but get the same feeling today. Is something bothering you Amanda?"

Amanda shot the doctor a look, she didn't want to tell the doctor that it had all started over. That the nightmares were back in full swing, that she mistrusted everyone around her and that she didn't feel like either eating or doing any of her usual diversions. She would probably look as miserable as Fin, and she'd be disappointed. Amanda didn't feel like disappointing more people. She tried a shrug, hoping Olivet would move on but knew she probably wouldn't.

"Is it job related? I know that girl Hailey was on your mind a lot not long ago," Olivet said.

_Hailey_. Amanda sighed. _She'd completely forgotten about her. How selfish could you be? She hadn't checked in on her for weeks now. The last text had been just as Simon's started. Or whoever it was that kept texting her. She'd completely forgotten about Hailey the second things got tough. She really was a selfish bitch. Her mom was right. Had been right. Her mom…_

Olivet had kept watching Amanda's face as she seemed to drift off in to her own thoughts and she got a little startled as Amanda suddenly gasped rather loudly. The next second Amanda got up on her feet but then seemed unsure what exactly to do.

"What is it Amanda? What just happened?" Olivet asked, uncrossing her legs so she could lean forward a bit.

Amanda kept looking a little bewildered, like she was pulled different ways by conflicting feelings.

"Amanda?" Olivet had to say again.  
"I… I need to… t-tell my Sergeant something," Amanda stuttered.

"Okay," Olivet smiled softly, "could it hold off for 55 minutes you think? Or is it that urgent?"  
"I… maybe, I mean it may be a _little_ urgent," Amanda seemed really torn and distressed.  
"_May_ be? So maybe it could wait just 55 minutes?" Olivet suggested.

She knew the detective have urgent matters and cases she probably worked on but she also knew Amanda well by now and wondered if this was just a way to get to leave her practice early.

"I guess…" Amanda looked at her watch instead of completing the sentence. It was just passed ten, Olivia would be at doctor Tennants now, she probably wouldn't answer her phone and maybe it wasn't _that_ urgent after all. She just couldn't forget, she had to tell Liv what she'd just recalled. Amanda slowly sat down again, and Olivet tried to hide that she felt very pleased.

"Can you tell me what's going on Amanda?" Olivet asked.

She wasn't sure if something really was bothering Amanda or if it was just a case of not wanting to be here, or maybe a little of both since the first often had company by trying to be evasive in one way or another.

"What's going on Amanda?" Olivet asked knowing sometimes you just had to be persistent with Amanda.

Amanda swallowed hard and was able to look at the doctor.

"I'm getting messages," Amanda managed to say. It came out a little weaker than she'd liked it to, she didn't want to alarm the doctor. It wasn't such a big deal.  
"Messages?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.  
"On my phone. Texts," Amanda said and felt the phone pressed up against her ribs where it laid in her jacket pocket and underneath her arm that she was hugging tight for some reason.

"Who is sending you texts Amanda?" Olivet tried to get a grip of what was going on.  
"We don't know," Amanda answered.  
"We? So your squad knows?" Olivet asked and felt a little relieved when Amanda nodded. Olivet wouldn't have been surprised if the answer had been no, Amanda just had such a hard time to ask for help.

"What type of texts?"

Amanda shrugged like it was no big deal but when she spoke Olivet got a whole other picture of what really was going on.

"Threats. Quotes," Amanda said quietly fidgeting a little on the sleeve of her jacket.  
"That sounds scary," Olivet said, "What kind of quotes?"

"You know… quotes from…," she spoke so quiet Olivet had a hard time hearing her.  
"From where Amanda?" she had to ask.  
"The bible," Amanda said and seemed almost startled by just how loud she said it.

"Like… he did?" Olivet asked. 'He' was Simon. Amanda had a hard time saying his name and Olivet had seen how sick it made her just hearing his name so they used 'he' or 'him' which made their sessions a bit hard to follow at times. Amanda nodded and put her head down again.

"For how long? For how long have you received the texts Amanda?"  
"Like… a few weeks," Amanda whispered.

Olivet didn't question it even though she understood Amanda had been to see her since the texts started and chosen to withhold it. Olivet got an understanding to why Amanda had been so withdrawn last and why her notes contained words like 'uncommunicative' and 'detached'.

"But it can't be him sending the texts right?" Olivet asked but Amanda just shrugged.  
"Amanda," Olivet said, raising her voice a little as she needed Amanda to focus just a little bit better right now.

"What?" Amanda frowned a little.  
"It can't be him right?"  
"We don't know. I told you," Amanda sounded a little annoyed.

"But you're investigating it I take, what do you know so far?"  
"Not much," Amanda said and tried to show as little emotions as possible.

She wasn't even sure how she felt about all of this._ Maybe it wasn't such a big deal? Maybe it was just a nut job having some fun on her expense? _

"How are you feeling about all of this Amanda?"  
"How am I supposed to feel?" Amanda asked without looking at Olivet.  
"I think you're allowed to feel a numerous of ways," Olivet said after giving it some thought, "I would imagine fear being a very possible reaction. I would also imagine something like that could evoke some very raw and unnerving emotions that you've been doing your very best to keep bottled-up."

Sometimes Amanda got both blown away as well as frightened just how much insight Olivet seemed to have in to her psyche. This was one of those times. It felt good to not have to say it out loud herself but a part of her also got scared that Olivet knew more than Amanda wanted her to. And by saying 'bottled-up' Olivet knew she hadn't dealt with her emotions properly.

Amanda nodded carefully.

"You recognize those emotions?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded again.  
"What are you doing to deal with them?"

"Do you talk to Fin about them?" Olivet asked when Amanda stayed quiet. She got a slight shrug back.  
"Amanda you're not doing anything hurtful to yourself I hope?" Olivet said worrying Amanda had slipped back to some of her destructive outlets.

They'd touched on the subject a little over a year ago. Olivet just had a hunch Amanda had a history of self-harming. Amanda was reluctant to talk about her childhood but Olivet could tell she had a need to talk about Kim and while talking about the deceased sister Olivet got snippets of a childhood that seemed nothing less than grim. Sergeant Benson had hinted there had been severe abuse in the Rollins household and that the still living mother was the culprit while her drunken dad stood mostly idle by and let it happen.

Treating Amanda was a slippery slope with many forbidden paths of things you could not mention and with a constant threat of Amanda closing down or literally running out. The first couple of months she'd probably run out of more sessions than she'd stayed in but Olivet was pleased that she kept turning up to the next session even though she was obviously embarrassed for her, what Amanda felt, immature behavior. Olivet knew that captain Cragen demanded therapy as well and it was no question Amanda had great respect for the aging man, she sang his praises often.

But even though it was a long time since Amanda ran out on a session she still had ways to flee. She could go absent-minded, sometimes completely shut her surroundings off and Olivet's strategy was to just wait her out until those eyelashes flickered and the veil was lifted from her eyes. It was during those shut-downs Olivet noticed Amanda scratching her wrist, rubbing her knuckles against bone or pinching herself through her long sleeves.

Sometimes she even drew blood and it gave Olivet a way in to touch on the subject as Amanda couldn't hide the fact she was bleeding.

Olivet learnt that Amanda from a young age had indulged herself in self-harming. She exercised excessively, used starving to at least feel something when the rest of her felt numb and that she stopped cutting herself as some of the girls in her softball team noticed it and the last thing she needed was to make herself weirder than she already was.

The only answer she could give to why she did those things was that she felt numb inside and at least the pain made her feel things. When Olivet suggested it might have something to do with her mom's cruel treatment or feeling abandoned by, and later grieving, her father Amanda immediately got defensive. She could take care of herself and it was nothing was two regular excuses she used to mitigate her mother's abuse.

Amanda didn't try to hide the fact though that she'd done despicable things to catch her sister's killer, that she just didn't care what happen to herself. She never dove that much further though but Olivet picked up drug use and sexual favors or escapades from the snippets Amanda gave her from her time on the rogue.

"Amanda," Olivet had to address her again to get her attention and when she had it she asked again; "How are you dealing with those feelings?"  
"I'm not okay," Amanda answered a bit defensively.  
"You're not?" Olivet questioned.  
"I don't know how to feel, let alone what do to," Amanda said and let out a chuckle, "I'm completely useless. All I'm able to do is sit there and receive those texts. Redemption, retribution, salvation. It's happening all over again. I can't do anything but let it happen."

"Let what happen?"  
"Be a fucking victim," Amanda spat out. She'd closed her fists and she could feel her own nails dig in to her palm in a way that hurt but at the same time took away some of the anger she felt inside.

Olivet just observed Amanda, waited to see if she would say anything more. Amanda just kept her eyes focused on a spot somewhere below the table between them and Olivet could see she was gnawing at her lip which could mean she had more to say but tried to stop herself from sharing whatever was on her mind. Olivet knew Amanda had a real problem seeing herself as a victim. She wasn't a victim of her mother's abuse cause she'd managed to walk out of that home on her own two feet and she wasn't a victim of the Mayhem choker merely because she'd survived.

That was the Amanda Rollins' logic and Olivet couldn't pretend she didn't find it fascinating. Here was a detective who met and cared for victims every day. Someone that showed great compassion, resilience and devotion to help these victims with everything she had and perhaps even more than that but she was darn stubborn to not call herself a victim.

"So what can we do for you to be able to handle what's going on?" Olivet asked and she caught Amanda's sigh. The sigh could be a combating response but Olivet had a feeling it had to do with the 'we' bit. Amanda had complained about Olivet using _we_ many times. _What do you mean we? I'm the one who has to deal with it, I'm the one that just have to white-knuckle it._ They'd had that conversation plenty of times.

"_I_ can't do anything until we catch whatever creep is doing this," Amanda moaned.  
"But we can work on how you deal with the emotions Amanda. We can try and deal with them until you catch the _creep_," Olivet said calming.

Olivet caught Amanda's brief and faint smile. She knew Amanda liked when she used her words, she'd said once that it was amusing to see unsophisticated words coming out of a sophisticated mouth. Olivet had thanked her for the compliment and it had made Amanda blush slightly.

"How can you deal Amanda?"  
"I can… _not_ go off the deep end," Amanda sounded a bit speculative.

"Are you afraid you'll go off the deep end?" Olivet questioned.  
"No," Amanda said sounding a bit offended but then her eyes shyly peeked up at the doctor, "…maybe?"

Amanda swallowed hard and stirred a little on the couch. _Damn this couch was uncomfortable today_.

"That's what they are worried about," Amanda said quietly and avoided to look at the doctor.  
"They?"  
"Fin… Olivia… Nick," Amanda sighed heavily.  
"Do you think they have reason to be worried?"  
"No. I don't know okay," Amanda rearranged herself on the couch again, "But no, I'm not going to break down. I'm just going to let them help out, let them investigate and do my part, try and do my best with the other cases to help out with the case load."

"You'll work as a team," Olivet suggested.  
"As an army," Amanda whispered but then cleared her throat to be able to speak up, "I'll be fine. I have to be fine."

"You don't have to be fine all the time Amanda. It's okay to break down at times, to lean on others. It was makes us human."  
"I don't want to be human," Amanda mumbled and Olivet had to smile.  
"I know you don't like to think of yourself as human Amanda but you are and there's no way around it. Humans cry, we break down, we ask for help and sometimes have to accept help even when we don't ask for it. Sometimes it's easier for an outsider to see when something is troubling a… fellow human being."

"You think I'm troubled?" Amanda asked peeking up at Olivet from underneath her bangs again.  
"Yeah, yeah I do Amanda," Olivet answered honestly and caught Amanda's frown as she shied away again, "but it's expected Amanda. And it's okay. What you went through… the fact you were able to go back to work, and so soon, that's remarkable and a proof of how strong you are Amanda. But even strong people gets troubled, even strong people need help at times and it's only really strong people who can accept that help. That knows better than to fight by themselves when they have that army backing them up."

Olivet let her words sink in a little, had more to say though but Amanda interrupted her.

"I'm not that strong," she whispered so quiet Olivet just barely heard her.  
"You have to convince me of that Amanda. Give me a reason why you're not strong," Olivet challenged.

Amanda sat quiet for a while but Olivet gave her time.

"I couldn't keep my sister safe," she finally whispered.  
"You did for close to thirty years Amanda. You kept her safe even when it wasn't your job, even when it wasn't your job to keep yourself safe you still made it your job to keep her safe. What happened to your sister was out of your hands Amanda. I'm so sorry you lost your sister Amanda but it wasn't your fault and however way you twist it it will never, _ever_ be your fault."

Amanda sat completely still, tried to focus her eyes on that small stain underneath the table on Olivet's rug but her sister's present felt all too real. She could still hear her small, bare feet paddle against the cold floor when she tried to sneak up on her in the mornings. That girl could not sneak if her life depended on it. She could hear that slightly panicked laughter that escaped her throat when Amanda turned to scare her just as she was behind her back. That laughter that turned only heartfelt once Amanda started to tickle her. And she could feel those small hands, that soft skin that constantly broke your boundaries. That never knew when enough was enough or where the line between them was. Even though Amanda tried her best to teach her she just never learnt and it was the one lesson she actually was glad Kim never learnt. The hugs kept coming even when she did her best to try and pretend she didn't want, or need, them. Her face snuggled in to her neck even when she said those harsh words to try to get rid of her. No it hadn't been just Amanda being there for Kim. Kim had been there for her too but now…

"I really have to go tell my Sergeant that thing…" Amanda mumbled but felt unable to get up off the couch right now which gave Olivet a chance to ask her one more thing.  
"Just tell me one thing Amanda," Olivet hurried to say, "tell me one thing you can do to process what's going on in a way that's not going to be hurtful to yourself."

Amanda tried to think which wasn't easy when her head was filled with a time of bare feet, soft hands and cuddles, a time that was forever lost and made her feel like crying.

"I could…" she tried but had to start over, "I could maybe let Olivia… or Fin maybe, let them know I'm feeling a little… scared?"  
"You could do that?" Olivet asked hopefully.  
"Maybe."  
"Okay, I'll take that," Olivet said, "You're going to do your best to really let Olivia or Fin, or both of them, know that, if they don't already know, that these texts are troubling you. That you're feeling a bit scared. That you might be feeling a little scared of whoever is sending the texts but also how you deal with feelings that are resurfacing. Right?"

Amanda nodded a little carefully.

"I want you to come in next week already, okay? With everything going on I think it's a good idea that we don't wait two weeks to see each other. Is that okay with you?"

Again Amanda just nodded as she was afraid something else than words would fall out if she opened her mouth right now.

"I'll mail you my openings as usual and you'll choose which time that works for you?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded as she managed to get up off the couch.

"Amanda," Olivet called for her attention again before she could reach the door. Amanda bit her lip as she turned back around.  
"If you need me you know you can always call me," she said seriously, "And know that I have faith in _you_ Amanda. You're strong and you have your army to lean on, don't forget that."

Amanda nodded and then quickly ducked out of doctor Olivet's office.

* * *

_When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?_ (**Psalm 56:3-4**)

* * *

Aaron Tennant gave a clean and proper first impression. He didn't seem to hide the fact he was aging but the grey hair and mustache was neatly trimmed. The thick black rimmed glasses looked both stylish and efficient as his eyes got a bit of that fishbowl effect through them. He was dressed down casually but still managed to look proper. The moment they entered his office he got up out of his chair and came around his desk with an extended hand and a welcoming smile across his face.

He thanked the maid for bringing his guests to him which made him seem a bit humble and with some charm behind that neat exterior. He shook their hands properly with just the right amount of pressure and held on just long enough to make it welcoming but not intrusive.

"Please, come on in. Can we get you something? Coffee, tea, water," Tennant offered.  
"I wouldn't mind some tea," Liv said as she figured that would make their stay a little longer and she really wanted the time to study Tennant. Nick agreed to some tea as well and while Liv looked around the room a little she listened to Tennant ask his maid for three cups of that special brand someone named Leslie brought for him last week.

The room was huge with a high ceiling. It was light with classy art hanging on the white walls. Two large windows took up most of one wall and underneath it stood a single arm chair and one of those typical lounge chairs that you would expect to find at a shrink's office. And the two chairs matched. The wall opposite the windows was covered with massive bookshelves that held mostly thick cloth backed books but also some more unusual items like a skull of some animal and a stuffed squirrel looking a little surprised with an acorn in its paw. Liv figured it might actually capture exactly how the squirrel had looked as it was faced with its own death. Tennant's desk was huge but definitely not cluttered. It only held a few frames, a pen holder, a desk cover and a thin manila file.

"Please have a seat," Tennant said once he'd sent the maid on her way.  
"Nice office," Liv said not wanting to dive right in to why they were there, "Is that your children?"

She gestured to one of the frames on his desk, it was facing sideways so guests or patients could see it as well and Liv had a suspicion it was meant to be seen.

"Thank you sergeant," Tennant said smiling, "yes, yes that's my children. Astoria and Ashton. The picture is a couple of years old now though, they are both well through their teens now. Do you have any children sergeant?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I have two as well," Nick jumped in.  
"Teenagers?" Tennant quizzed.  
"Son just turned fourteen," Nick said.  
"Ah exciting times. Well any age really," Tennant smiled.

"So you take clients in here? You don't feel awkward bringing them in to your own home?" Liv asked trying to not sound patronizing.  
"To tell you the truth," Tennant said leaning in over his desk, "The clients I meet in here aren't that difficult. Its high end clients, high achievers, stress related symptoms, a few couples needing some work on their marriage. It's to be honest easy pickins from the clients I really love working with."

"The psychopaths?" Liv suggested and Tennant sat back with a somewhat cagey smile over his face.  
"Yes the psychopaths," he said.

"Tell me doctor what's the different between a psychopath and a sociopath?" Nick asked.

It was a genuine question, he'd never really gotten a grip on the difference.

"Ah well it's a good question," Tennant sat back up again, seemed eager to fill the detective in, "The similarities between the two are vast for sure but it's the select differences that really distinguish the two. And one of the two might actually kill you."

At that point the maid came back in through the half opened door carrying a tray with three cups and Tennant got up to help her out. Liv shot Nick a glance, he too looked a bit alarmed about what Tennant had just told them while sounding rather amused.

"I think you'll really like this tea, I've heard no one complain so far," Tennant said as he went around Liv to put a cup down in front of her. The maid put down a cup for Nick and then placed sugar and milk next to the guests on the desk while Tennant took the last cup off the tray and went around the desk again.

"Thank you Sophie, will you please shut the door behind you," Tennant smiled at his maid.  
"Of course doctor Tennant," the woman said and soon the door closed on the three of them.

"So the difference…" Nick reminded the doctor as he seemed more intrigued with his tea at this point.  
"Ah yes, well the key traits between them both are a disregard for laws and social mores, a disregard for the rights of others, a failure to feel remorse or guilt and a tendency to display violent behavior. But while the sociopaths tend to be nervous and easily agitated, the psychopaths usually have charming personalities and they learn to mimic emotions despite their inability to actually feel them. To unsuspecting people they often appear normal. Sociopaths have a hard time holding down a steady job and when they do commit crimes they tend to be haphazard, disorganized and spontaneous rather than planned. Psychopaths carefully plan out every detail in advance and often even have contingency plans in place. It wouldn't be wrong to call them cool, calm, and meticulous."

"And the cause of psychopathy is different than the cause of sociopathy right? At least that's what your profession thinks right?" Liv asked.  
"Impressive sergeant," Tennant smiled and then had a quick taste of his tea before he continued, "Yes I do believe psychopathy is the result of nature, genetics, while sociopathy is the result of nurture, the environment. I strongly believe we're talking about psychopathy being related to a physiological defect that results in the underdevelopment of the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and emotions. Sociopathy, on the other hand, is more likely the product of childhood trauma and physical/emotional abuse."

"But Simon Ferguson seems to have endured both physical and emotional abuse growing up, but you call him a psychopath right?" Nick had to ask.  
"I would definitely label him a psychopath but you have to go case by case detective, it's still individuals we're dealing with and you have to look to the greater picture," Tennant said linking his hands underneath his chin.

"But the court labeled him mentally ill, unfit to stand trial," Liv chipped in, "Psychopaths are fit to stand trial right?"  
"Yes, yes they are. Psychopathic serial killers such as Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy were entirely aware of the illegality of murder while they were in the process of killing their victims. Their overwhelming desire and compulsion to kill caused them to ignore the criminal law with impunity. There are very few serial killers that suffers from any mental illness to such a debilitating extent that they are considered to be insane by the criminal justice system. To be classified as legally insane, an individual must be unable to comprehend that an action is against the law at the exact moment the action is undertaken. But I'm sure you already are aware of that," Tennant unhinged his hands to grab his tea cup again.

"But why was Simon classified as legally insane then?" Liv was intrigued now.

Back then she had just been a bit relieved Amanda wouldn't have to go through a trail. She really didn't think much about anything else except Amanda being safe and that Simon would be locked up for a long, long time.

"I don't want to rack down on anyone but I would not have come to the same conclusion as the court did. I can understand the ruling though, Simon is manipulative and he insists, still to this day, that he acted only out of mercy, that it wasn't murder. But he did in fact murder more than his so-called angels and he can pretend to be unaware but it's my full belief he was aware while committing those five acts that it was in fact murder."

Tennant sat back a little in his chair and a smile spread across his face.

"I do enjoy discussing the matter of psychopaths as you can probably tell but I'm really curious to know what brings you here. What brings the NYPD to my humble abode, and to Broadmare from what doctor Rohrbaugh informed me. I of course understand it's about Simon and that you have a court order that forces me to cooperate, which isn't a problem at all, I'd do anything to help out but I'm just curious to know what's going on," Tennant said.

"A offence has come to our attention, a transgression that fits Simon's pattern a lot and we just want to make sure he's not involved in any way," Liv said watching her words a little.  
"Does this offence or transgression involve your colleague Amanda?"  
"Why do you ask that?" Liv countered immediately.  
"Call it a hunch," Tennant smiled with a light shrug.

"What do you know about Amanda?" Liv asked.  
"Just what Simon's told me. He talks about Shay though, I mean he calls her Shay most often. He makes it seems like this Shay character is a bit different from your colleague Amanda but maybe that's just a part of being undercover. That you need to adapt your personality to the circumstances I mean," Tennant said having some more of his tea. Liv had put her cup down on the desk but Nick was still drinking his and followed Tennants lead as he took a gulp.

"What does Simon say about Shay or Amanda?" Liv asked.  
"There's this, somewhat strange, proudness in his voice when he talks about her. I think he has great respect for her."

"Respect?" Nick had to question, "He tried to kill her, he almost succeeded."  
"We're talking about a psychopath here detective, there's really no reasoning. His crimes were cold-blooded no question about it, he's sinister, no other word to describe it. The fact he seems to feel a bond to her makes him somewhat extraordinary though. I've actually seen glimpses of regrets in him when we discuss her. I believe he thinks she possesses some of that superhuman excellence that he himself holds and it actually makes him able to relate to her. And I don't mean relate like we are able to do right here and now but relate on some to Simon accessible level."

"But he's a threat to her still right?" Liv asked.

Tennant took a few moments to think her question over.

"I don't know how to answer that one. I think _he_ would say no to that. He says she's meant to be alive but he often talks about what could've. By that I mean, well psychopaths crave control and he pictured her death so many times in his head and he still has that predatory instinct. If he got the chance I do think he would still take the opportunity to finish what he started."

"So he's incurable?" Liv asked.

A facetious smile spread across Tennant's face.

"If you asked my colleague Rohrbaugh he would say _of course not_," he smiled.

"But I'm asking you doctor Tennant," Liv challenged really wanting an answer.  
"And I say adult psychopaths can be treated or managed but not cured. Simon doesn't fear punishment, he's not bothered by social stigmatization. Nothing like that works on him. He's indifferent to the expectations of society and rejects its condemnation of his criminal behavior. He's callous and unemotional and simply do not respond to punishment the way that normal people do. That however doesn't mean that I don't try to reform or rehabilitate Simon."

"Would you say he's intelligent? I mean could he outsmart someone?" Nick asked curiously.  
"Manipulative yes, not necessarily of higher intelligence though. There's this misconception that serial killers are of higher intelligence but we now know that it is more likely that obsession, meticulous planning and a cold-blooded, often psychopathic personality are what enable serial killers to operate over long periods of time without detection. Simon displays all of those characteristics."

Tennant's eyes had narrowed slightly behind his glasses as he spoke and now he leaned forward again as he asked;

"Are you wondering if he could talk someone in to running his errands?"  
"Yeah, that's what we're wondering," Liv admitted.

"Well he could easily talk one of the other inmates in to doing something inexcusable. Some are easily incited. He'd caused some commotion during his stay at Broadmare already but to talk an orderly…"  
"Or psychiatrist," Nick added.

Liv silently wished Nick wouldn't have said that out loud just yet.

"You think _I_ would do something to her?" Tennant immediately asked.

It was quite clear he had not considered that they saw him as a suspect.

"Oh I assure you, I could never hurt another human being."  
"We've heard you're writing a book doctor, maybe you needed material for it?" Liv suggested.  
"Oh no I could never do that," Tennant seemed honestly taken aback, "For a book? I don't even believe in spanking let alone put a woman, or anyone through, those atrocious things Simon did. Just horrendous."

"Simon seems to think he'll be a part of your book, that you're going to proclaim his _prophesy_," Liv said.

Tennant shook his head.

"Yes he is one of my case studies but I would never use his name or in any way spread his _methods_."  
"But you've told him about the book?" Nick asked.  
"He'd read my first book, he knew about it already and he asked me if I was planning any more books. I might have mentioned that I was writing on another one. He'd never asked me to put him in the book though."

"He might have expected to be in it?" Liv suggested.  
"Yes he might have expected that," Tennant admitted.

"Your first book came in 2002, why have you waited this long to publish another one?" Nick asked.

For the first time Tennant seemed to hesitate.

"It's not like writing a novel detective, these kinds of books take time, research and dedication. My passion lies with meeting my patients, I'm sure you know all too well how good it feels to be able to help someone."

"But you can't help Simon. You just said he's incurable," Nick said.  
"I can't cure him but I can still _help_ him," Tennant said.  
"You think he deserves help?" Nick felt a need to pressure the doctor, he'd gone back to calm way too quickly for someone who'd just found out he was a suspect in an investigation. Tennant pierced his eyes in to Nick for a few seconds, it made Nick feel uncomfortable.

"Amanda was… _is_ a friend of yours?" Tennant asked, his eyes shifting over to Liv.  
"Yes she is," Liv said without any hesitation.  
"I'm… happy she has friends like you, I'm sure she hasn't had it easy. I can't even imagine the horror all those women had to endure."

"No it's hard to imagine that scrutinizing pain," Liv said, "So you can probably understand that we don't want some sort of copycat out there mimicking Simon's despicable ways."  
"No of course not," Tennant said leaning back again, "I assure you that I don't run Simon's errands. I'm against corporal punishment, I'm against all sort of violence."

Liv pierced her eyes in Tennant, tried to get a good read on him. He seemed nice but there was also something slick about him, something that felt like he tried too hard to seem genuine and friendly, that he kept up a front of being composed just to hide the fact he might not be as superior as he liked to be.

"Your book," Liv started, "can you show us something? Just so we get a clear picture of what exactly it is you're writing."  
"I have a draft that I can show you, it's no more than half way done though," Tennant said.

"What was it called again?" Nick asked.  
"Confessions of a Psychopath," Tennant answered proudly, "I'm still working on the subtitle but something like _the science of those without conscience_ perhaps."

"Is it hard for you to distant yourself from your patients?" Liv asked and could tell Tennant tried to hide the amused smiled that spread over his face.  
"Are you worried they've rubbed off on me sergeant?" he said but then sat up with a serious look, "I'm sorry, this is no time to be jest. I promise I could never hurt anyone and my interest lies with how our brain works, from the most brilliant to the most disturbing, they all fascinate me. What can I do or say to make you not think of me as a suspect?"

"Answering our questions is a start," Liv said and Tennant nodded.  
"Has Simon said anything about how he'll proceed? When we saw him he seemed to think his _mission_ would live on, that his message would… keep spreading," Nick asked.

"No, he's really not into, and don't get me wrong, but he doesn't want to share his success, or his accomplishes. He really sees himself as superior to everyone else and I have a hard time seeing him give credit to anyone else. He's very much a solo player, he just doesn't like other people. He doesn't socialize, he doesn't get the meaning of it. For a long time he wouldn't even look at me, let alone talk to me."

"How did you win him over?" Liv asked.  
"Actually I think it was my book, my first one that is," Tennant said, "I kept talking even when he wouldn't and I mentioned that I'd written a book. On our next session he told me he'd found my book in the library and he found it intriguing. And that's how we got started."  
"Your first book was The Psychopath next door?" Nick asked and Tennant nodded.

"Does he know you think of him as a psychopath?" Liv asked.  
"Simon doesn't really care what I think of him. He only likes that I'm interested and that I listen to him."

"You said earlier that psychopaths are callous and unemotional but I'd say we managed to make Simon very emotional during our visit," Liv said.  
"So I've heard," Tennant smiled but wised up quickly, "Simon is definitely able to show emotions but they're not genuine and often stems from rage. When your worldview doesn't correlate with his he either shuts down or lash out. I've noticed a slight loss over his impulse control lately and I think it has to do with his current medication but that's just a guess."

"Could it have to do with something else? Like him actually being able to reach out again, that he feels a hope of starting up his… crime spree?"  
"I really have a hard time seeing how Simon would be able to reach out like that. He does like some of the orderlies a little better but they are all screened and been persistently told about boundaries and Simon's callousness. And Simon has this way of wanting to gloat with his achievements to me so I really find it close to impossible that he's behind this. Do you mind telling me a little more about this transgression that has occurred?"

"We rather not," Liv said quickly, "Do you discuss Simon with anyone?"  
"At Broadmare of course but never with an outsider. Well except you and this advocate earlier this year."

Nick followed up, asked a little more about the advocate and what Tennant had thought of him and the fact he chose to talk to Simon.

"I've heard psychiatrist often go to their own psychiatrist, do you?" Liv asked when Nick had done his follow up.  
"No, not my own for many years now. We go to family counseling though."  
"Wife? Kids?" Liv asked.  
"All four of us," Tennant let her know.

"May I ask why? Is there a reason you need counseling?"  
"Since it involves my children I will decline to answer but I promise Simon is not a topic we've discussed there. We went more frequently before, I'll give you the name of our therapist if you like, but these past years it's mostly to check in where all of us are at and we see her every other month."

"We'd like that name before we leave," Liv informed him, "What about your wife? You don't talk to her about work?"  
"Oh no," Tennant smiled, "my wife would not let me talk about work even if I wanted to. I have to talk her into just attending our yearly Christmas bash as she find it so boring to socialize with doctors and psychiatrist. She says she gets headaches or mental problems just being around them."

"But not around you I hope?" Nick said and the doctor let out a light chuckle.  
"I'm the exception," Tennant smiled.

"What about notes or files?" Liv asked, "Could someone have read them or does someone ever listen in on your sessions?"  
"Broadmare has a strict policy, no material can leave the premises. Rohrbaugh or another attending listen in at times, whenever I need a second opinion on something. It hasn't happen often with Simon but it has happened."

"Has someone at Broadmare shown an extra interest in Simon?" Liv was fishing now, she needed something to come out of this meeting.  
"I've told you already sergeant, I don't think you'll find your culprit at Broadmare," Tennant answered, "I really wish I could help you."

"What about your publisher? Could there be notes that someone's seen there?"  
"No. No, I'm very cautious. I use codenames on the rare occasions I do keep notes and even then I keep them locked in," Tennant turned his chair slightly sideways and gestured to a rather safe looking locker.

Liv tried another few possible scenarios. Could someone get in to that locker without him knowing about it? Did his wife ever invite friends over that might go in to his office uninvited? Had anyone ever asked him questions about Simon or shown an extra interest in serial killers?

Tennant answered no to every single one of them and then Nick tried but it was mostly just things they'd already gone over and it led them nowhere. Liv felt stressed, she'd wanted to walk out of there with something to go on, with just a single lead to spin on so they could end this nightmare for Amanda.

"Have you ever recorded any of your sessions with Simon?" Liv asked a bit desperately. Tennant shot her a look that she couldn't read but she figured he might have picked up on her stress level and she tried to calm herself down by taking a silent but deep breath.

"Some are monitored. Rohrbaugh tapes some and we use them as study cases to improve ourselves," Tennant answered very collected.  
"So someone does watch your sessions?" Nick asked.  
"Just among us attendings, and over these past two years we'd only case studied Simon four times."

"What happens to the tapes?"  
"Rohrbaugh will know," Tennant answered, "I'm pretty sure they are destroyed or kept in the archives. We just use them as an educational tool."

"Well maybe someone's using them for something else. We have to stop this before it escalates," Liv said and made sure her voice was steady. Nick shot her a sideway glance. They'd never talked about it but of course that's what they were all worrying about, that it would escalate. That the texts would turn in to other forms of threats. Or perhaps that Amanda would start to deteriorate, going to that dark place again. She might even be there already but at least this time she had company, her squad would be by her side every step of the way.

"I hope you don't take this the wrong way," Tennant said and leaned back in his chair, "but have you looked at yourselves? I don't mean you two specifically, you seem very reliable, but what if it's someone that knows the case just as well as Simon? What if it's someone inside your own department?"

Liv just observed him. She had disliked him even before she got there, just his involvement with Simon made her dislike him and right now she disliked him even more. She knew he might be on to something, even Amanda had mentioned the possibility it being a cop but Liv didn't want to hear it. It would've been much easier if it just could've been Tennant, or even more gratifying, that imbecile Rohrbaugh.

"We're of course looking at this from all angles," Liv said and thought she did a pretty good job of playing it cool.

They rounded the interview up and Tennant was walking them out when they ran in to a gangling young man with black hair covering half his face.

"Ashton what are you doing home? And out of uniform?" Tennant asked a little surprised.

This was apparently his teenage son. Liv couldn't help but observe him a little closer as he with that teenage rather flippant but at the same time aggressive tone told his dad that he himself had signed the note that let him skip the field trip to the MET museum. The young man had a part of his head shaved which was evident with the way he had flipped his hair forward across his face. Liv was pretty sure he was wearing black eyeliner around those dark eyes that he kept mostly hidden from both them and his father. He had several earrings in both ears which didn't mean much but along with the studded collar, tight black jeans and the torn t-shirt gave him a look Liv felt was a little out of place for a son of high end parents. But then again maybe that was the point.

A carved cross on one of his upper arms caught Liv's attention though as he spun around to head back inside the apartment. Doctor Tennant turned to them with an apologetic smile across his face and Liv was about to mention the cross to him as they were interrupted by yet another person.

"Aaron?" the proper woman walking towards them said and Liv caught the son shy away from her touch as she tried to stroke his arm as he walked passed her.  
"Anya, my dear, let me introduce you," Tennant said extending his arm towards her and caught her as she arrived closer.  
"My wife Anya Tennant," Tennant said with proudness in his voice, "This is Sergeant Benson and detective Amaro from the New York police department."

The woman shook their hands, sporting a warm smile but Liv noted that her hand was cold.

"So very nice to meet you, we really appreciate the good work the NYPD is doing to keep our city a safe place to live in," Anya smiled.

She seemed like a woman who could hold herself in any surroundings. That warm smile probably had many fooled but Liv was of a suspect nature and wondered what the woman really thought of them behind that polished front.

"Anya helped with the NYPD fundraiser this year, and it looks like they'll ask you back for next year's gala as well right dear?" Tennant smiled.  
"Yes we've already held the first in-official meeting, just throwing ideas in the air for next year's theme," Anya said flashing them another wide smile. Liv and Nick just nodded, unsure what to say to that.

"Well I was just showing them out," Tennant said once the silence got a bit awkward.  
"Let me just ask you," Liv said making them stay put for a while, "I couldn't help but notice that cross on your son's arm?"  
"Yes, it is very notable," Tennant said still with a smile but he sounded a bit flustered, "He's been asking us to allow him to get a tattoo and I guess it was his way of punishing us for not agreeing."  
"Seems more like a punishment to himself," Liv countered.

Anya squirmed a little in her husband's arm.

"Is he religious?" Nick asked getting curious too.  
"We belong to the Orthodox church but we're not practicing," Anya said, "our son certainly not."

"Odd thing to carve on your skin if you're not a believer," Liv more stated than asked.  
"He's surely not the first rebellious teen who's done something odd," Tennant said with a slight chuckle but he quiet down as he caught the glare his wife gave him.

"So he's rebellious?" Liv couldn't help but bite, noticed Anya's discontent and wondered if it was the question or their son's behavior she disapproved of. Tennant managed to keep a straight face though.  
"I might have exaggerated, he's a good kid. Does well in school and unlike some of his classmates he neither drinks nor smokes. As long as he wears his uniform to school and dress proper to social gatherings we let him decide what he wears the rest of the time. It's all about compromises at that age."  
"If you say so, you are the expert after all," Liv tried a smile.

Nothing much more was said and Anya said goodbye inside while Tennant followed them out. He waited with them until the elevator came and then sent them off with a good bye as they stepped in to the elevator. Nick couldn't hold himself for long and the moment the elevator left the floor he turned slightly to Liv.

"What do you think?" he asked. Liv took a deep breath.  
"We still have to check everyone off from that hospital list," she said but then sighed, "but maybe Tennant would know if it was someone working there. Neither Rohrbaugh or nurse Sernyak seems to think so either."  
"What about the son?" Nick asked. Liv shot him a look. She disliked that they might suspect him just because the way he dressed or look but then there was the cross on the arm of course.

"He's sixteen…" Liv said a bit evasive.  
"And his father doesn't think he either drinks or smokes," Nick said raising his eyebrow at her. Liv couldn't help but smile. Could it be the shrink didn't see what was going on in his own family? It wouldn't be the first time a professional helped others while his own family fell apart.  
"Let's look at him a little more closely too," Liv said and Nick seemed pleased.

**When Liv and Nick** came to the station Fin, Amanda and Keith were all at their desks already. Fin looked the most eager to find out what they'd gotten on the doctor. Liv told them to step in to her office, she invited Keith as well. She let Nick brief the others about the meeting with Simon's doctor as she checked her messages. Another few from their hospital list had checked in and she made a little mark by their names.

When she looked back up she met Amanda's apprehensive eyes. Liv shot her a warm smile but Amanda immediately looked down and Liv's smile faded quickly as she got an alarming feeling. She got distracted by Nick though who needed her to jump in to the briefing. They summed up everything they had so far and while doing this Liv noticed Amanda squirming a bit. Liv wasn't sure though if it had something to do with them mentioning they had to look in to the NYPD as well or if it was something else bothering Amanda.

"So you want us to look in on the ones that worked on the Mayhem case?" Nick asked to make sure that's what Liv wanted.  
"Yes," she answered.  
"Even Eli Hetfield?," Nick asked.  
"I mean _everyone_ Nick, no one's excluded," Liv said sternly.

They would have to prepare themselves for tonight's sting as well and Liv had to step in to her commander role and give out instructions so they could be efficient. She put Nick and Keith on Amanda's case while Fin and Amanda got to work on the bar hoping rapist and the few leads that had surfaced over the weekend. Amanda was still looking a bit jumpy and Liv had to ask her, in front of the others unfortunately, if she was okay to work. Of course Amanda said she was fine and Liv didn't want to press her further and left it at that.

Liv explained that she would have to engage herself elsewhere for a while, some official business she couldn't avoid even if she wanted to. She quite enjoyed being in charge but she could do without the administrative stuff. She also had some problem with the political game that was going on behind the curtains but she'd started to realize it was just something she had to get used to and do her best to stay out of.

Everyone started to pull themselves out of Liv's office, even Amanda but then she turned back slightly. Fin, who kept hovering around her, noticed her lingering and stayed behind as well.

"Can I…" Amanda spoke so quietly Liv didn't pick up on it at first but she did notice two people lingering in her office.  
"What's that?" she asked Amanda curiously.  
"I know you said you had to leave but…" Amanda talked to Liv but her eyes flickered between Fin and the floor.  
"But what Amanda? It's okay whatever it is I have time," Liv said and put whatever she had in her hands down to give Amanda her full attention.

"You want me to leave?" Fin asked sensing her discomfort. She had to think about it for a second but then shook her head.  
"Could you just…" she just had to nod slightly towards the door and he got it what she wanted and went over to shut it.

"I dunno why… I think I might have missed something," Amanda confessed and Liv could tell just how uncomfortable she felt right now and wanted to ease it.  
"It's okay Amanda, just have a seat," she said and Amanda took one of the visitor's chairs. Fin took the other one. He had no idea what was going on but she'd been quiet since they left doctor Olivet. He'd figured it had been a rough session and let her mostly be but now he started to realize something had really been bothering her.

"I should've told you, I've been really sloppy, I dunno why… how…" Amanda felt really lousy. She felt stupid and absent-minded and like a really bad detective.  
"Amanda just tell me, it's okay," Liv was really curious to hear whatever it was making Amanda so uncomfortable but she also felt no blame, Amanda was under a lot of stress right now and whatever it was they would sort out. Amanda shot Fin a quick look but then looked down her own lap, where her hands laid tucked inside her sleeves and she was doing her best to not fidget with her already raw cuticles.

"My mom," Amanda said having to get it out before she chickened out, "When she came here a few weeks back, well she… it wasn't just a social call."

Amanda looked up and shot Liv a quick awkward smile. She couldn't take Liv's concerned eyes though and looked back down again.

"She'd… well I guess someone had contacted her, he said he was a journalist, or reporter maybe, something like that. He knew… about me and what happened. I'm not sure what my mom really knows but she mentioned Mayhem and… Simon."

Amanda had to clear her throat, she wasn't sure why she had such trouble saying or even hearing his name. It was like her body reacted, like it blacked out for a few seconds and now she had a hard time starting up again.

"Why did he contact your mom?" Liv asked not able to hide her slight impatient to find out more.  
"He said he wanted to get in touch with me, that if she could get me to talk to him… he would… pay her."

It wasn't easy to admit your mom would sell you out for money and both Liv and Fin caught just how tough it was for her.

"That's why she called you selfish and those names?" Liv asked with a soft voice and Amanda nodded trying to smile but she couldn't really sell it.  
"You know how wrong she is right?" Liv said, "How immoral that makes her to even ask you to do that. And to hit you when you're righteous…"  
"Never mind," Amanda interrupted her and moved uncomfortable in her seat, "Maybe it's connected though, I mean this guy… maybe h-he's behind the texts? When she came back with a no, maybe he tried another way I dunno. I just… maybe…"

Amanda sunk back in her seat with a heavy sigh.

"We should definitely look further in to it," Liv said, "Did your mom tell you anything more about this guy? His name? Who he worked for? How did she contact him, how she contacted him?"

Amanda was shaking her head even before she answered.

"He called, that's all I know. I don't think she told me anything more."  
"Okay, is it okay if I call her? See if she still has his name or number?"  
"No disrespect Serge," Amanda said carefully, lifting her eyes a little, "you tried to arrest her, I don't think she'd be so willing to talk to you."  
"You're probably right," Liv chuckled slightly, not offended at all, "What about Nick? She seems to like him, do you think she'd talk to him?"

Amanda shrugged, she just never knew with her mom.

"Maybe," she answered.  
"It's okay if I ask him to give her a call?" Liv wanted to make sure.  
"Sure, can I... not be present though?" Amanda asked.  
"It's up to you Amanda," Liv said sympathetic, "Would you prefer to keep working on the bar hoping case?"

Amanda nodded.

"Okay, you do that and I'll keep you posted," Liv said and got a nod from Fin. He felt a little cold inside. Just the thought of Amanda's own mother being involved in this made him feel sick to his stomach. She was on some level just as big of a monster as Simon. She broke down her own daughter, or tried to. If Fin ever saw her again he wasn't sure he could be held accountable for his actions, he wanted to literally give her a taste of her own medicine. He wanted to slap that bitch.

Liv followed them out so she could call Nick back in. He'd just sat down at his desk but was up and in her office in no time. Liv closed the door on them and filled Nick on what she'd just learnt.

"That bitch," Nick hissed and Liv couldn't do anything but agree on that statement.  
"You feel comfortable trying to give her a ring? We really need a name or a number to this reporter."  
"Sure, can I lie?"  
"Anyway you can get it," Liv said and reached for the post-it where Amanda had scribbled down her mother's number. Liv handed it to Nick and let him have her chair. She got on a second line to be able to listen in as he dialed her number.

Neither one of them knew exactly what Amanda's mother did for a living or if she would pick up at this time a day. After three rings though someone picked up and answered with a surly, southern drawling "who is this?"

"Emily? This is Nick Amaro, New York police department," he answered and tried to sound friendlier than he felt towards this cold woman. There was a silent void on the other line and for a moment he worried she'd hung up.

"Emily?" he had to ask.  
"What do you want?" she asked with a tone that was hard to read. She didn't really sound happy to hear his voice but he'd almost suspected an even more hostile tone.  
"Did something happen to her?" she asked when he immediately didn't answer her.

He felt a slight empathy for her, at least she'd shown some concern for her daughter.

"Oh no, I'm so sorry if I alarmed you, your daughter is fine. No need to worry about her," Nick said quickly.  
"I didn't," she answered and made Nick immediately lose any sense of compassion for her.

"I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time?" Nick tried with played courtesy, "Do you have a minute?"  
"A minute yes," Emily answered.  
"Okay so I'll get right to the point then," Nick said trying to paste a bigger smile on his face hoping it would reach through the line, "I could really need your help Emily. Your daughter told us that you received a call a while back, from a reporter that wanted information on Amanda and the case she was involved in two years ago. Do you remember that?"

"I might," Emily answered a bit vaguely.  
"Well you see we have someone that we think is posting as a reporter, another few people has received similar phone calls and we're thinking we're dealing with an imposter," Nick said and shot Liv a nervous look but was encouraged by the nod she gave him.

"There might even be a reward in it for you if you help us catch him," Nick lied and hoped he wasn't pushing it.  
"Okay," Emily said though and sounded a bit more interested now.

"What can you tell me about the caller? Like how many times did you talk to him, do you still have his number or the name he gave you?" Nick held his breath through the silent pause that followed.  
"He sounded young, or at least younger," Emily finally said and Nick felt a bit relieved he'd gotten her talking.  
"Like teenager young?" Nick tried thinking about Ashton Tennant.  
"No, not that young but just younger, I can't explain why I picked that up."

"Okay, go on," Nick said.  
"I talked to him three times, twice before I came to New York and then once to let him know she didn't want to talk to him."  
"Do you remember the exact dates?"  
"No," Emily answered rapidly.

"That's okay, we can check your phone logs if you don't mind," Nick said and could almost feel the disapproval through the silence on the line, "It would help with the reward as well, with your phone logs it would not be any doubt who helped us catch him."  
"Okay," Emily said a bit hesitant but at least didn't sound too hostile.

"Do you remember his name or where he said he worked?"  
"That was a bit strange," Emily said, "I'm sure he gave me the name Gabriel when he first called but when he answered the phone the third and last time I talked to him I'm rather sure he answered Lucas. But then when I asked if it was Gabriel he said yes."

"Do you remember where he said he worked?"  
"No, I'm afraid not, all I heard was that he was a reporter from New York focusing on violent crimes and that he wanted to write a story about this Mayhem killer."  
"Did you know who the Mayhem killer was?" Nick asked even though it was rather pointless information at this time. He just wanted to know just how much she knew about what her daughter had gone through.  
"No, not really. I guess I recall a serial killer getting caught a while back but I can't say I'd heard he was called Mayhem or that… my daughter was involved in capturing him."

"She was. She was very vital to bringing him down."  
"But she was hurt in the process right?"  
"Yeah, yes she was," Nick said and heard the grunt on the other line.  
"One has to be really foolish to risk one's own life like that," Emily complained but Nick decided not to bite.

"What did he ask of you Emily?" he asked instead, "When he first called I mean, what did he ask of you?"  
"He wanted my help to get in touch with her," Emily answered.  
"Do you know why he turned to you? Why he didn't ask her directly?"  
"I guess I just figured he'd tried but been unsuccessful. I know how stubborn she can be."

Nick let that dig slide as well.

"So he wanted you to talk to her? To tell her what?"  
"Just that he wanted an interview, to talk about this Simon, his crimes and her involvement in catching him."  
"And he offered you money?"  
"He offered _us_ money, she was promised money too," Emily said as though that would ease her greed.

"And when you called him to say she didn't want to participate, what did he say then?"  
"He sounded disappointed, as was I, but then told me to just call him again if things changed."  
"Did it sound like he gave up? Like he would not write the story?"  
"I'm not a mind reader detective, no he didn't say anything about that."

"No of course not, I'm sorry Emily," Nick said to stay on her good side, "Did you pick up anything else? From the phone call I mean, did you hear any sounds in the background, voices or something like that?"  
"The first two times it was very quiet, it sounded as though he was sitting in some cubicle or something, very quiet. The last time though I heard music, not loud but that type that's usually played loud."

"What do you mean Emily?"  
"Well you know that heavy metal crap that kids play, the ones with the piercings, studs and God knows what. With the black hair, long even on boys. That type of music. But it was only in the background."  
"Thank you Emily, that's very helpful. Can you think of anything else that might be helpful to me?"

For some reason he got a sense something evil was about to come out of her mouth but this time she seemed to be the one that bite down and she just answered with a short no.

"Well you've been really helpful Emily and if we manage to track this imposter down I'll make sure your involvement doesn't get forgotten. And if he gets in touch with you again Emily I would really appreciate you giving me a call, could you promise me that?"  
"I guess I can," Emily said but made it sound strenuous in that way she managed to make everything sound exhausting.  
"Thank you Emily, that means a lot. Take care of yourself now. Bye," Nick hung up the moment he heard her good bye on the other line. He couldn't help but shrug a little as he hung up, wanting to shake that uneasy feeling he always got when talking to Amanda's mom.

"Good job," Liv said, "I'll put in a request for her phone records, see if we can dig out that number."  
"And Ashton Tennant?" Nick asked raising his eyebrow slightly.  
"Yeah okay, start digging around," Liv gave the go-ahead.

"You know it's a bit interesting that he might've used the name Gabriel as an alias," Nick said, "He's an archangel who typically serves as a messenger of God in the Bible. In a passage in Genesis he's said to be part of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. I just find that a bit interesting."

Liv nodded as she agreed, that was rather interesting.

* * *

"_For he is God's servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God's wrath on the wrongdoer_." (**Romans 13:4**)

* * *

The day went on and that afternoon Liv came back from her official meetings. The meetings had felt rather pointless but she'd received Emily Rollins' phone records during them and been able to find the number they'd been looking for. After consulting with Nick she decided to try and call the number. It went directly to voice mail and Liv hung up. If the voice mail was still active the number might be as well and she sent Nick down to TARU with what they had.

Meanwhile the investigation of Ashton Tennant and the rest of the Broadmare staff didn't get them anywhere. Keith and Nick were able to cross of another few names off the suspect list. They had four names highlighted on the list, two orderlies that just seemed a bit suspicious, a nurse's names was highlighted because of the fact her live-in boyfriend had prior criminal charges for blackmail and then there was a missing orderly that had worked on Simon's ward since he got there and that now had missed two shifts on Broadmare and was impossible to get in touch with.

This orderly's name was Vernon Ryan. He didn't have a criminal past and his co-workers view of him, up till now, was that he was a reliable person both on and outside of the job. Since he'd seemed to have disappeared though and not even his sister knew where he could be made him a person of high interest right now.

From what Nick had found on Ashton Tennant nothing seemed out of the ordinary. 16 years old, straight A student, that swam in his high school's team as well as was a long distance runner for their track and field team. He played both piano and guitar after school. According to his social media pages he seemed to have a lot of friends but only interacted frequently with very few of them. He rarely posted anything but when he did it was usually dark lyrics by some obscure band or a selfie of himself in some dark attire. His relationship status was set to 'widower'.

**As the sun slowly started** to set over New York they had to focus on tonight's sting operation. Angela had arrived and took Amanda aside to get dressed for tonight. Liv had informed her about what was going on with the texts, she felt it was important everyone around Amanda knew the truth as it could jeopardize their operation and everyone involved if the threats escalated. Angela had been unaware of Amanda's previous struggles, she'd transferred down from up-state last year and missed the gossip about the blonde Manhattan SVU detective.

Angela had no problem with participating tonight and told Liv that when she asked if she was still okay with everything. It actually made her want to be by Amanda's side even more. She'd felt a connection with Amanda last week, even though they'd just met neither one had a problem with acting like they'd known each other for years. Angela liked the thrill of being undercover but most of all she liked taking the perps down and now it felt as though they had the potential to catch not just one but two badies.

Amanda made sure to get a little cover behind a double bunk as she got in to her top for the evening. It was just one of the many hassles of having to cover up a badly scared back. She knew Liv had informed Angela about the texts and everything surrounding that and Amanda couldn't help but feel a bit more self-conscious. _Why did she always have to add so much drama? Why couldn't she just stay away from all that drama?_

Keith gave them a playful whistle as the two dolled up detectives entered the interview room but he quiet down quickly as he caught the glare Liv shot him. Just like on Thursday they sat down to eat something as they went through tonight's plan. They were trying another bar tonight, located just a block from Thursday's place. Keith would be behind the bar again but Nick would be replaced in the bar by one on their detectives on loan. The rest would be out on the street listening in and the van would be hooked in to the bar's security camera and have eyes on the place as well.

Tonight Keith was the one that approached Amanda.

"Same procedure?" he asked silently as he kept an eye on the people closest by. Even though he wasn't looking at her he caught her nod out of the corner of his eye.  
"I got you," he said, shot her a quick smile and walked off as he needed to head over to the bar.

**Forty-five minutes later** Amanda and Angela walked in to the assigned bar. They both spotted Keith behind the bar and one of the detectives sitting by the bar. Liv and Fin was back in the van again along with a technician. Nick was listening in as well but from one of two plain cars out on the street.

Just as last time Amanda and Angela started at the bar and Keith hurried over to serve them. They weren't approached by any suitors for a while and Amanda had time to down her drink as well as order a new one.

"Relax," Angela leaned in and whispered to Amanda, "We got this, we got _you_."

Amanda tried to shot her a smile but on the inside she felt very embarrassed. She should be able to keep better check on herself. She just felt so uncomfortable. The skirt just felt too short and she didn't like that her sleeves ended right by her knuckles and didn't go down further. There was a risk someone would catch her scars if the sleeves went up just an inch. And the top felt too tight as well. It clung to her torso like a second layer of skin and she didn't like the sense of being almost nude.

And she just couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. She knew she was. By her squad, by the detectives. But it wasn't their eyes she was feeling. She felt _his_ eyes on her. Every other set of eyes she met were for a second Simon's. Her heart stopped for that moment it took her to realize it wasn't. Brown eyes. Grey eyes. They didn't even have to be blue. For a second she saw _him_ and it rattled her to the core.

"Yeah I need to loosen up," she smiled and got off her chair. She took a big slug of her second drink and while doing that she swung her hip a little to the soft music playing in the background. She put her glass down and took a look over her shoulder. She spotted at least three guys watching her ass and it felt so much better having their eyes down there than meeting hers. She shot Angela a smile, got one back and then kept moving a little to the music as she engaged in some small talk with Angela.

**Two hours later** they'd worked their way further in to the bar and talked to at least two dozen men. Angela couldn't accuse Amanda of not being relaxed any longer. In fact she felt Amanda might have gotten a bit too comfortable and when she caught Amanda having a gulp of one of the guys drinks she got an uneasy feeling that things could be getting a little out of hand. Angela tried to play it cool though. She liked Amanda, and now with knowing her past it made her feel even more sympathetic towards her. And she would never snitch on a fellow detective or jump to conclusions so instead she took Amanda's flank for a while to be able to keep a better look at her. Angela knew everyone kept scoping all the men out in the bar and she made it her mission to keep all the focus on Amanda instead.

It didn't take long until she spotted a guy's hand going up Amanda's leg a little too high, disappearing in underneath her skirt without Amanda really seeming aware of it. Angela grabbed a hold of the guy's wrist and pierced her eyes in him when he seemed to want to object.

"Hey Manda, join me in the ladies room will 'ya," Angela smiled calling for Amanda's attention.

She didn't give Amanda a chance to answer but just grabbed her hand as well as one of the empty glasses on the table. They stopped on the way to exchange a few words with some guys they'd talked to earlier but Angela never let go of Amanda's hand and soon started to pull her with her again.

This bar had a single toilet and Angela pulled Amanda inside, locking the door behind them.

"So are you taking off?" Amanda suggested as this was the route Angela had gone a couple of days ago. Angela just washed out her glass though and filled it with cold water. She handed it over to Amanda.

"What?" Amanda asked. Angela didn't say anything though, didn't want anyone else to hear what she really wanted to tell her designated partner for the night. Instead she just gave her a face that told Amanda to shut up and just drink. And that's what Amanda did as she could tell Angela wasn't playing around. While Amanda used the toilet, for a change not bothered by not being alone, Angela filled up another glass that she handed to Amanda after she'd washed her hands.

"Okay?" Angela asked and Amanda nodded.  
"I'm going to stick around for a while longer okay. I'll give you a sign when it's about time for me to head out," Angela said and again Amanda gave her a nod.  
"We can do this," she said and grabbed Amanda's cheek quickly before they went back out.

The bar was a lot more crowded this Monday compared to last Thursday and they kept working their way through the entire place without letting on what they were up to. The toilet break seemed to have wised up Amanda a bit but Angela caught her drinking out of at least one other guy's glass. At one point it looked more like she was sniffing the drink but Angela couldn't be sure that was all that was going on. She started to get a feeling that maybe she shouldn't leave Amanda on her own tonight, something just told her Amanda needed someone by her side right now.

But just minutes later everything changed. Both Amanda and Angela got word from Liv that the bar hoping rapist had struck just a couple of blocks down from them. The victim had managed to escape and call for by-passer's attention. The perp had taken off on foot and Liv yelled out directions for Keith and the plain clothed detective to stay with Angela and Amanda while the cars took off after the rapist.

Angela and Amanda rushing out of there and Keith literally jumping over the bar caused some commotion inside and the buzz reached a higher level. The four detectives took off down the street all while listening to Liv shouting out directions to the cars. They had sightings of the perp that seemed to be injured in a way that slowed him down.

Amanda, who had a little trouble running in the heels she was wearing tonight, managed to trip slightly, losing one of her shoes in the process, and got caught well behind. Angela didn't even notice losing her running partner but got aware as she heard Nick telling them over the wire to not lose eyes on Amanda. Angela immediately stopped and felt her heart drop when she realized she couldn't spot Amanda.

When she turned she met Keith's just as worried eyes while the other detective's back got further and further away from them as he kept running down the street. Angela turned back and was about to launch back up the street as she caught something moving in the shadows by the building further up.

She couldn't help but smile with relief as she caught the sound of a certain southern blonde cursing and she hurried to her side with Keith not far behind her.

"Fucking shoe," Amanda complained with an embarrassed face as she realized both Angela and Keith had to hold up on the account of her heel breaking.  
"Don't worry about it," Angela smiled touching Amanda's arm slightly as she felt a need to do so.  
"Your ankle's okay?" Keith asked and Amanda nodded as she wiggled her foot around a little. They all looked up as a car came speeding down the street and came to a screeching halt by the curb.

"You okay?" came Nick's concerned voice as he leaned out of the driver's window.  
"Just a busted heel," Keith let him know.  
"C'mon, they got him, I'll drive you down there," Nick said and the three of them hurried over.

"You okay?" Nick said leaning back towards Amanda as she got in behind him. She nodded as they got drown in darkness as both Keith and Angela shut their doors on the opposite side of the car. Nick took off and they soon reached the scene where several emergency cars were flashing their lights. The perp had managed to cut himself in the leg as he struggled with his most recent victim. Even just the slight loss of blood had apparently made the perp nearly faint and they had been able to easily take him down. He was now being lifted in to the back of an ambulance cuffed to the stretcher.

Fin let out a sound of great relief as he spotted his partner and he couldn't keep from giving her a hug now that he knew she was safe. He gave her a wary look though as he let her go but Liv interrupted before he could say anything.

"You okay?" she asked and again Amanda just nodded.  
"Be careful so you don't step in any glass," Liv said as she noticed Amanda's bare feet and the next second she'd turned around and loudly asked if anyone had a pair of extra shoes. Amanda felt embarrassed about the fuss but thanked the uniform that came over carrying a pair of sneakers. They were a little too big for her but she was still grateful and made sure to catch his name so she could return them in the morning.

As she was getting them on Fin handed her a gum. She gave him a peculiar look but he insisted by just giving her a stern look and she realized he'd probably smelled the alcohol on her breath when he hugged her and just didn't want Liv or anyone of the others to detect it. She took the gum from him without saying anything and put it in her mouth. _Maybe she did have a little too much to drink tonight_.

Liv rounded them all up and thanked them all for a good effort. She would head over to the hospital with Nick and Keith and told the rest to head home. Angela gave Amanda a hug and a 'keep safe' before she took off with the ride that had been offered to her by one of the other detectives. Liv organized for a patrol car to take Fin and Amanda home and again Amanda felt embarrassed over all the fuss.

Before they took off Amanda had been able to check her phone and establish that there had been no texts tonight. She let Liv know and Liv seemed pleased but not just as relieved as Amanda felt. She was hoping maybe this was just a crackpot, that now that the heat from the police maybe had reached him he'd backed off and she wouldn't hear from him again. The bar hoping rapist was caught and the texts would maybe stop. She leaned back against the seat in the back of the patrol car and just enjoyed feeling a little at peace for a moment.

Fin sat by her side and they'd just taken off when he leaned in towards her so the uniforms wouldn't hear him.

"How much did you have to drink tonight?" he asked. She gave him a look like it was none of his business even if it was in a way.  
"You know you shouldn't mix hard liquor with the medicine you're on," he said a bit reprimanding.

He'd read the label on the medicine Olivet put her on and taken notice of that fact. Amanda had barely touched alcohol for these past two years though. At most she had a beer that she rarely finished. He figured it was a need of hers to stay levelheaded and fully aware of her surroundings. That she now, during a operation as well, would drink made him a bit stumped.

"I'm not on my meds," she informed him.  
"What? Since when?" he said, his voice suddenly louder and he gave the two uniforms in the front a look in case they'd listen in but they seemed busy discussing something among themselves.  
"Since like last week or so," Amanda said like it was nothing important.

"Why?" he asked still trying to get a grip on what was going on.  
"I just…" she shrugged a little not really sure how to explain it, "…wanted to, I dunno be completely clear just in case…"

"And then you go and get drunk instead?"  
"I'm not drunk Fin," she said and rolled her eyes at him. She could feel him pierce his eyes in to her in the dark car but not even that could annoy her right now. _Things would be fine_.

"Just in case of what?" he asked once his face had soften slightly and he'd gotten a grip on his sudden flare of anger.  
"I just want to feel like myself again okay?" she said trying to shrug it off a little, she didn't want to make it a big deal.

"I get that but you really think this is the right time, I mean with everything going on?"  
"It will never be the right time Fin," she said and tried to find his eyes in the back of the dark car, "I've white-knuckled most things in my life, it's time to white-knuckle this as well."

He stayed leaned in on her for a while but then sat back against his own seat. He got her reasoning but he didn't like that she got drunk on the job, he couldn't see anything good coming out of that.

They had reached their street and Fin noticed a bit of a crowd outside what looked as their gate.

"What the…" he mumbled as they came closer.  
"Stay in the car," he said resolutely to Amanda as they pulled up right outside and he hurried to jump outside.

He hurried up on the curb where he saw some of his neighbors gathered. Some of them turned to the police car while some kept pointing to the wall. Fin saw that the glass door was completely shattered and large sprayed letters were covering the wall around the door. His blood somehow both froze and boiled as he started to make out what the straggly scribbled spelled out.

"Abomination," he whispered as he read it, "Eternal fire within. Whore. Dem… demimondaine?"

Fin noticed that one of the uniforms that had driven them home stepped up on the curb next to him.

"W-we need to call this in," he managed to tell him and the officer reached for the intercom on his chest.

He turned around to the car and of course she'd stepped out of the car even though he told her not to. He could only watch her as her eyes went over the words. He wasn't sure what to do, he didn't know how to shield her from this and it was one of the most horrid feelings he'd ever felt. Seeing the pain and terror displayed all over her face was heartbreaking. Her eyes finally caught his, after she'd read the message on the wall several times, and he could tell she was as distraught as he felt. He lost her eyes as she started looking around. Her eyes darted back and forth, up at the rooftops, past windows with gawking faces. _Was he there? Was he watching?_ She felt so very exposed.

He could read every gut-wrenching emotion on her face and he felt them too. It had escalated. He'd breached their gate, maybe been inside their apartment as well. He didn't know where to bring her? Where she'd be safe? The look on her face right now scared him. _Would she ever feel safe again?_


	6. Chapter 6: Guarded

Finally a new chapter, sorry for the delay – again. And now this new SVU promo that has me crumbling. It might be a bit conflicting since I write things like that happening to Amanda but to actually see/know it happening makes me so upset. I might have to write my way out of the slump I'm in right now.  
But I promise to do my best to not lose focus on this story. This story will have three main villains (I am introducing Tucker later on so I guess four is more accurate tho) _not_ counting Simon. This mystery stalker is #1 and later in this chapter you'll know who's #2. The third one, the one who I call Soldier, is coming up later on.  
I'm thinking of this story in three waves and right now wave one and wave two are colliding, just work with me ;), and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!  
The lyric used down below is dedicated to **HeartSkull**. Thanks for being an awesome reviewer &amp; just the perfect person to vent with as that promo dropped.

* * *

**Chapter 6: Guarded**

* * *

_Take me to church. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death. Good God, let me give you my life.  
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene. Only then I am Human. Only then I am Clean. __Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen_. ~ Take me to church by Hozier

* * *

An hour after Fin and Amanda had arrived outside the house Liv's car came to a screeching halt across the street. She cared very little about her parking, hurried out to cross the road and ducked under the crime scene tape while flashing her badge at a uniform. When she was close enough to the wall she stopped and read the words sprayed on it. She frowned and tightened her fists that were tucked deep down her coat pockets.

"Sergeant," an officer greeted her as she walked over to the trashed gate. Liv gave him a nod but couldn't produce a friendly smile.

"Detective Tutuola? Rollins?" she asked and he let her know they were upstairs. Liv carefully made her way over the broken glass, shot a look at the brick by the wall that was marked with a evidence marker and made her way down towards the elevator. She passed two detectives talking to what she figured was neighbors. One of the detectives looked up and she gave him a nod. She had the chance to sigh several times before the elevator finally arrived and she rode up to Fin's floor.

Fin had texted her about half an hour ago and let her know _he'd_ been to their house. That's all it said and when she couldn't get a hold of him she'd felt a bit of a panic. Through central she learnt there was a report of vandalizing at Fin's house but no one was injured, especially not a police. It made Liv calm down a little but she still felt a need to see this vandalizing with her own eyes and to make sure her detectives were okay. She left Nick in charge at the hospital, they'd just been given access to the bar hoping rapist but Liv just had to trust her detective to handle that initial interrogation.

Nick had of course realized something was up and Liv had given him the little she knew. He wanted to go with her but she managed to get him to stay put by telling him she really needed him to handle this for her. On the drive over she'd finally gotten a response to the text she'd sent Fin a little earlier. It just read 'I'm not sure she's safe here. What can we do?'. Since Liv was nearby she chose to not respond through text but just get to them as soon as possible.

There was a uniform stationed outside their door and she got her badge up to get passed easier. She thanked him when he held the door open for her. Liv stepped inside and immediately spotted Amanda over at the couch. She was alone, a blanket draped her shoulders and she was on the edge of the seat with a vacant look staring straight ahead, elbows resting on her knees with her hands by her mouth. She looked to be fidgeting with her lips or maybe biting her nails.

Liv heard voices to her right and turned to see Fin talking to two plain clothed detectives. One of the detectives spotted her first and then Fin looked up, drawing a sigh of relief when he saw her. They met half way and both reached out and ended up hugging each other's arms.

"I saw downstairs," she said with a low voice, "has he been in here?"

Fin shrugged a little.

"I don't think so but we've called CSU, let them do a sweep to make sure the place is clean," he let her know.  
"Did anyone see anything?" she asked after she'd shot Amanda another look over at the couch.  
"One neighbor saw him take off but she didn't get a good look at him," Fin let her know.  
"Cameras?"  
"There's one across the street at the park's entrance, we've asked for the film but the trees might be in the way."  
"The brick might have prints, maybe he's left the spray behind, do you have officers searching?" Liv asked and Fin nodded. He looked to the detectives.

"We haven't found anything but the brick left behind but we have two units searching the way he took off," one of the detectives informed her, "CSU will take care of the brick and any analyze they can do on the spray used. We'll let them check this place out as well but we don't think he was ever inside."  
"We'll make sure of that though," Liv said and there was no room for argument. The detective hadn't planned on arguing either and just gave her a nod. Liv shot Amanda another look.

"How is she doing?" Liv asked and heard the sigh coming from Fin before she was able to look at him. He just shrugged. Liv gestured with her head for them to get over there.  
"We'll go down and meet up with CSU," the detective said behind them and Liv made an appreciating gestured towards him as she kept moving towards Amanda.

Amanda had been sitting completely still the whole time but when she saw them coming she moved a little further up on the couch as she shot Liv a very uncomfortable smile that turned to look more like a hesitant grin. Liv placed a soft hand on her leg as she sat down next to her. Amanda wished she could've sat down somewhere else.

"How are you coping?" Liv asked rubbing her leg gently. Amanda tried to get back to that smile again.  
"I'm fine," she lied.

_Great. Olivet had given her one task. One silly task to just let them in on how scared she really was. She couldn't even accomplish that. Cause she had been scared. And that was even before a brick had been tossed through her gate. Before harsh and vulgar words had been sprayed on her wall, words aimed at her. This wasn't just a text anymore, something technical, something she could erase with a button. This wasn't someone hiding behind a screen. This was made by someone real. Someone of flesh and bone that knew where she lived, that had come to her home. And this real person found her to be an abomination. A whore. This person maybe wanted to do those exact things to her that Simon had done. He wanted to do nasty things to her and that wasn't fine. That was awful. That was scary. _

"Amanda?" Liv called her back to present. Both Liv and Fin had seen her drift off somewhere in her thoughts and given each other a concerned glance. Liv saw her blink a few times as she managed to free herself from her dark thoughts. It sounded like she tried to say something sounding like _yeah_ but it came out as a hoarse croak and Liv reached for the glass of water that stood on the table in front of Amanda. She looked grateful as she took it from Liv but then she lost the grip around the glass and some spilled over as Liv helped her at least keep it upright.

"It's just water," Liv said brushing some of it off Amanda's blanket with one hand as she kept the other one underneath the glass so Amanda could get a second chance to get a better grip around it. Amanda felt stupid, flustered, but managed to get the glass up to her lips by using both her hands. She had a little but then went back and emptied most of the glass. Liv helped her put it back down on the table. Amanda knew Liv just meant well but she hated being mollycoddled, especially when she already felt helpless.

"CSU are on their way," Liv informed her and Amanda gave her a nod.  
"They're going to check this place out as well, make sure he hasn't been upstairs too," Liv said and caught Amanda's face crumbling before she could hide it by looking down, making her hair fall down like a curtain between them.

Liv shot Fin another quick glance, he looked worried. Liv knew Amanda didn't like to be handled with care but she couldn't help herself and reached out her hand to sweep her hair back over her shoulder. She went back one more time and lined her hair up as best she could behind her ear.

"Listen," Liv said while she stroked away her hair, "Do you want to come back to my place? If you feel unsafe here, or just if you want to shower and crash, the techs might be busy here for a while. You're more than welcomed to spend the night at my place. You too Fin, we'll make room."

Liv shot him a soft smile. Fin felt grateful but looked back over at Amanda suspecting she would decline the offer. And he would be right.

"No, I'm okay, it's okay. I don't think he was ever in here. Not this time…" her words died out.

_This time_, all three of them thought about what she'd just said and all of them felt uneasy.

"Okay," Liv said and let her hand rest on Amanda's shoulder as she spoke again, "Well we'll post someone outside for the night and my home is open for you if you change your mind. And I think we should really consider posting someone to sit on you 24/7 for the time being."

Fin nodded agreeing but Amanda looked unhappy.

"Just 'till we catch him," Liv hurried to add, squeezing Amanda's shoulder gently. Amanda finally glanced up at her with glossy blue eyes that were far from the strong, unwavering eyes Liv was used to seeing in the squad room.  
"We _will_ catch him Amanda," Liv said seeing the fear in the blonde's eyes.  
"We'll nail his ass," Fin said with emphasis on every word and got a quick glance from Amanda before she looked back on her hands.

She noticed one of her cuticles had started bleeding and she tried to wipe the small amount of blood off. Fin and Liv shot each other a look as neither knew exactly what else to say.

"Can I take a shower even though CSU's coming?" Amanda asked without looking up.  
"Yeah I'm sure…," Fin said a bit hesitant though, "they'll probably just check the door and hallway. Most work will be downstairs."  
"Okay," Amanda said quietly, "I'm going to take a shower then."

She remained sitting though, seeming to observe her own hands very closely. Liv and Fin observed her intensely. She finally stirred slightly.

"Will you make sure no one comes in?" she said as she glanced up at Fin. He knew she didn't like to lock the door and of course he nodded.  
"Thanks," she mumbled as she rose from the couch.

The blanket slid off her and Liv made sure it didn't slide of the couch. Amanda was still in her decoy outfit and when she passed Liv in the short skirt Liv spotted the fine line on the back of her thigh. A scar caused by one of Simon's whip lashes gone astray. Liv had a brief but vivid flashback of how Amanda had looked as she was brought out of that bunker. _They'd taken her up on a gurney, the medics placing her on her stomach so the pain wouldn't finish her off. They hadn't been able to confirm that she would make it though. Liv had walked along the gurney, holding a blanket with Fin that they held over their injured partner to try and shield her from all the looks as they brought her out. That had been such a stressful time and now it all came rushing back again_. Liv managed to snap herself out of her thoughts.

"I'll stay around for a while," Liv said to Amanda's back but she wasn't sure if she heard her or not, she made no acknowledgement of what Liv said and disappeared around the corner. Liv took a deep breath as she looked back over at Fin.

"We need to catch him," Fin said.  
"And we will" Liv answered and tried to sound more secure than she felt.  
"We need to catch him _now_," Fin said firmly, "We need to take countermeasures or… something. Just something Liv. She can't… _we_ can't just sit by and let it happen to her again. She…_ I_ can't take this."

Liv looked at him. She tried to come up with something they could do but her mind seemed completely blank. She was tired. Tired from everything that had gone down tonight and then it was this Simon copycat. It was getting to her and she had a hard time juggling everything while trying to keep her own squad above the surface.

"Okay tomorrow we focus on this," Liv said doing her best to toughen herself, "We'll have to talk to the ones left on the staff list from Broadmare and we'll re-interview and look even closer on the ones we've already talked to and found suspect. We'll talk to the Tennant son, now we can ask where he was tonight. Nick and Keith are looking closer on our own department and we have to follow up on this mess with her mom and the reporter."

Both Liv and Fin sat silent for a while. Fin looked over to the door where a uniform walked in and approached the two detectives he'd talked to earlier. They'd tried to talk to Amanda as well but she'd been completely silent and Fin had sat her down on the couch instead, given her some time to collect herself as she looked as she needed it. One of the detectives had brought over a glass of water for her while Fin covered her with a blanket. She'd looked so very frail and detached, he didn't like to see her like that and he hated that it was nothing he could do to help her.

Liv kept looking at Fin, could see how worried he was and how much this was wearing him down.

"What do you think about letting her leave a message for this Gabriel or Lucas person?" Liv asked him once his eyes came back to her.  
"That's this reporter that contacted her mom?" Fin asked and Liv nodded.  
"So she'd say what? That she wants to talk to him?" Fin suggested and Liv shrugged slightly.

"Do you think she'll agree to set up a meeting with him?" Liv asked.  
"You know she'll do anything we ask of her," Fin answered giving Liv a look that she should know that already.  
"But _should_ we ask that of her?" Liv asked and Fin had to think about it.  
"We have to rule him out," he finally said, "it's a good way to do that. If he really is a reporter we can find out who leaked and at least nail that rotten cop."

"Or hospital staff, the people who treated her knows her identity too. They could've made the link to Mayhem as that was hot stuff on the news during that time. Damn, there are just so many suspects," Liv sighed and closed her fist around the blanket Amanda had left behind.

"But it escalated today. Tonight," Fin said, "It must've meant we're getting too close or that we aggravated him somehow. Right?"  
"Or it was just that time Fin. He's been doing the text threats for more than three weeks now, maybe it was just time. We know stalkers escalate, they rarely just stop."

"So now you're thinking stalker? Simon's not behind it?" Fin asked.  
"I don't know. Just… sitting across from him Fin…," Liv shook her head a little, "The things he said, what Tennant and Rohrbaugh told us about how he talks about her. I wouldn't call it respect as Tennant did but there's some form of admiration there. Twisted admiration and I have no doubt what so ever that he could… would hurt her if he got the chance himself. He would… put his hands on her in a second if he got that opportunity but for him to let… to give that privilege to someone else..."

"He had her raped Liv," Fin cut her off, "he had someone else rape her. That was his doing."  
"Yeah… yeah I know," she said and could tell on Fin's face that this was no time to argue with him, "That was his method then but now tables have turned, things changed."  
"So he needs to change his methods," Fin cut in again.

"I hear you Fin but it's just my gut feeling. Trust me…"  
"No offense Liv, I _do_ trust you but when it's her safety on the line…" his voice betrayed him and he choked up.  
"I get it Fin, don't worry about it," Liv reassured him. She was just about to say something else when one of the plain clothed detectives walked up to them.

"I don't mean to interrupt…" he started and Liv shot him a sympathetic smile as she could tell Fin couldn't face anyone just yet. Fin let his fingers run over his eyes and then pinched the bridge of his nose for a few seconds.  
"CSU are done downstairs and want to come up…"  
"Sure, send them up here," Liv said as Fin was still hiding his face in his hand.

The detective shot her a faint smile before he walked away giving his partner, who was on the phone with someone, the go-ahead. Fin finally bared his face once they were alone again, it looked as though he had collected himself.

"You're ready to help them out? Make ourselves useful," Liv said knowing it would be a good remedy to actually do something beneficial.

**An hour later** though the CSU team left with not much to go on. They had the brick and would try and lift prints from it. It looked as though the brick had been brought there so they were a little hopeful it would give them something. The door to the apartment had not been tampered with, nor had any of the windows. They lifted numerous prints off the door and they would process them all just in case.

Amanda had spent that entire time in the bathroom. It had made Fin a bit nervous but he'd been down to check on her at one point and at least been able to exchange some words with her through the door. When he'd went back a little later to let her know CSU had left as well as all other law enforcement she finally came out dressed in some of his oversized clothes. Liv had made them some tea and Amanda didn't struggle when Liv suggested that they sit down at the kitchen counter to have some before they called it a night.

"I don't want to burden you with too much tonight Amanda," Liv said when they'd sat in silence for a while sipping their tea, "but we were thinking maybe you could try leaving a message tomorrow on this reporter or journalist's voicemail. See if he'll call you back."  
"Set up a meeting with him?" Amanda asked quietly. Liv couldn't tell if she was scared or intrigued but she nodded.  
"Actually meet him?" Amanda kept quizzing.  
"If you feel like it or we can put someone looking like you in your place. It may not be him but then at least we'll put the stop to one weasel," Liv said.  
"I think it's a good idea," Fin weight in and caught Amanda's attention, "We'll lure him out and put a stop to this. No more sitting idle and let him… play this game. We'll put a stop to him on our terms."

Liv worried he was pushing her to make a decision she wasn't ready for but she couldn't blame him. They all wanted what was best for her, trouble was that when you got desperate to find a way through an crisis you sometimes made the wrong decision. Amanda hadn't asked for this. She'd made it through hell growing up, then through another one that she was partly to blame for but she'd made it through it again. Question was if she could make it through a third time?

"Take the night to think about it Amanda," Liv said before she could make up her mind, "You have a lot on your mind right now, think about it until tomorrow and if you don't feel comfortable doing it we'll find some other way."

"Sounds okay?" Liv asked when Amanda kept staring down her cup where her tea was cooling off fast.  
"Aha," she mumbled with her eyes fixed on the dusky fluid. Liv exchanged a look with Fin.

"I'm going to take off," Liv said next as she figured Amanda needed sleep, "My offer still stands so call if you want to come over. You'll have someone stationed outside throughout the night though so there's no need to feel unsafe."

Amanda didn't seem to register what Liv said and she didn't move at all when Liv got down off her chair. When Liv put her hand on her back though she flinched noticeable. Liv gave her a disarming smile to make her feel less embarrassed and it seemed to work as Amanda gave her a faint smile back.

"You can come over to my place at any time through the night but you'll have a guard posted outside the door and a car out on the street," Liv repeated to make sure Amanda knew this.  
"We'll be fine," Amanda whispered and shot Fin a glance. He nodded at her and then gestured a bye at Liv.  
"Thank you boss," he shouted after her and smiled at the wave Liv made over her shoulder without looking back.

"Ready to end this day?" Fin asked Amanda and she nodded.  
"Gladly," she mumbled as she grabbed Fin's cup and brought it along with her own over to the sink.

She made sure she had a good grip around both of them. He went to shut off some of the lamps, of course leaving on enough to still keep the place lit up. He waited for Amanda to come join him to walk down the hallway together but she moved the opposite way and he listened to her open the door slightly.

The officer outside was sitting on a chair, having nothing but his focus on overseeing the corridor and he looked up at her as she glanced out the door.

"We're gonna turn in," she said excusing herself, "can I get you something before…?"  
"No I'm good thanks, got my water," he said with a kind smile, "get a good night's sleep detective."  
"Thanks," Amanda mumbled and closed the door again.

Fin heard her turn the lock and then attach the security chain. He hoped that the locks along with the guard outside gave her some sense of security but when she came around the corner she looked just as frail and scared as when they'd driven up to the building a few hours ago. She was hugging herself and had a deep crease between her eyes. She stopped just around the corner and looked at him.

"C'mon," he whispered and gestured for her to keep moving towards him. She slowly pulled herself towards him and let him wrap his arms around her but she also kept her arms wrapped around herself.

"Let's get some sleep," he said after he'd held her for a while and after he'd placed a kiss on her hair. She let him guide her down the corridor and he passed her bedroom and brought her in to his own. There was just no way he would not have her sleep next to him tonight. Amanda got up on his bed fully clothed and ducked down under the cover. Fin got out of his jeans but left the rest on and got in under the same cover. She was turned towards him but he couldn't see her face as she was buried deep underneath her own hair and his cover.

"Can I hold you?" he whispered when just looking at her didn't satisfy his need. It took a second but then she started scooting closer to him. He got his arm in underneath her, placed the other one over her and when she found a comfortable spot against his chest he let his arms wrap around her. He took a deep inhale of her scent with his nose buried in her blonde strands. He'd felt her fists grab on to his tee as she came in to his embrace and now he used them as telltale when she drifted off to sleep. Two times he felt her tense up, her fists closing back around the fabric but then finally sleep caught her and he allowed himself to follow her there.

"_He will be your sure foundation, providing a rich store of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord will be your treasure."_ (**Isaiah 33:6**)

* * *

**Tuesday started slowly.** The entire squad was worn down. The operation and taking down the bar hopping rapist had taken its toll along with the other thing going on. Nick and Keith had been at the hospital until late and then brought the rapist to lock-up once he was patched up. Liv got home even later than they did and then she'd been unable to clear her head and spent at least an hour tossing and turning in bed worrying Fin and Amanda wouldn't be safe.

Fin and Amanda was safe for the time being but Amanda wasn't safe in her dreams. A face-less man kept chasing her, managing to sneak up on her in every safe place she tried to find. Fin had soothed her twice as the nightmares started to make her squirm and whimper in his arms. The third time he didn't wake up in time, grouching as her nails dug in to his chest but then managed to grab her other wrist before that fist in the air crashed down on him.

They were both beat in the morning and it took them a while to get ready. Amanda made enough coffee to serve the officers as well and the officer outside their door accepted it with a smile once they stepped out and Amanda handed him the disposable cup. Fin put the chair right inside the door and then the three of them made their way down. The officer informed them everything had been calm during the night. The gate downstairs was covered with thick plastic and there was still some crime scene tape flapping around outside on the curb.

The officer in the patrol car stepped out and said good morning. He also flashed Amanda a smile once he was handed his coffee. The patrol car drove them in to the station and Fin and Amanda left them with sincere thank you's as they arrived at precinct 16. Nick was at his desk already and got up as he was eager to know how they were holding up. Since Fin asked, Nick had to give them the disappointing news that CSU hadn't found any prints on the brick and that the spray paint used was a very regular kind that could be found all over the city.

Liv came out of her office and greeted them. She tried to not over do her concern as she checked in if they'd caught any sleep. Fin did most of the talking and Liv could feel Amanda squirm a little under the hand she'd placed on the back of her arm and Liv removed it quickly. She could tell Amanda was uncomfortable being in the middle of all this fuss and she was the one that changed the conversation to the bar hopping rapist.

Nick gave them the low-down. His name was Nicholas Cooper, age 31. Just like many other serial rapists he seemed like an average Joe on paper. He held a steady job, came from an advantaged home and had a fiancée of two years. She bared striking resemblance to Cooper's victims. Nick and Keith had only had a chance to question him briefly last night and the only thing he'd said was that '_it was so easy, they were so easy_' and that '_they'd begged for it_'. He'd said it with a very non-threating voice, almost sounded a bit melancholic.

Since Keith wasn't in yet and Liv wanted to close the case as soon as possible so they could focus on Amanda's case she asked Fin if he could take the interrogation with Nick. Fin seemed reluctant to leave Amanda's side but Liv reassured him she would keep Amanda in the squad room today. Amanda did her best to hide the fact she hated to be talked about, treated like some museum artifact that needed protection. She knew they were all concerned and she appreciated them caring but she could really do without all this fuss.

Once Nick and Fin went to prep for the interrogation Liv asked Amanda in to her office. She asked Amanda to have a seat and Liv sat down behind her desk.

"Have you had time to give any thought to this idea of calling the reporter that contacted your mom?" Liv asked and got right to the point. Amanda gave a cryptic response with her head that Liv had a heart time reading. Amanda started fidgeting inside her sleeves almost immediately.

"You think you could do it?" Liv asked.  
"I'd call and… tell him I want to do the i-interview?" she asked.  
"Sounds like a plan," Liv said.  
"And that I'll meet him somewhere?"  
"Sure, you don't have to do it though, we could place someone posing as you," Liv suggested.  
"That might scare him off though, probably better if I do it," Amanda said, mumbling slightly.  
"Only if you feel up to it," Liv said, "How about the coffee stand at the corner of Freemont park? It's public but not too public, we could have eyes on you, catch him the second he approaches you."

Liv also thought about that park having lots of trees and it would make them not have to worry about any sniper shot from above, she chose to keep that concern hidden from Amanda though.

"Okay, you want me to call him now?"  
"No time like the present," Liv said.  
"Okay?" Liv asked when Amanda sat up a little and looked as though she was up for it. Amanda nodded and Liv gave her a paper and pointed to where the number was scribbled down.

"I'll probably have to leave a message right?" Amanda asked looking a little nervous as she unlocked her phone.  
"Probably yes. I've tried twice and it has gotten straight to voicemail both times."

Amanda nodded, her eyes glued on her phone and Liv watched her swallow hard a few times.

"Just take your time," Liv said as she could tell Amanda's hands were unsteady. Liv spotted Winters coming in but held up her hand to keep him outside the door when it looked as though he was about to enter. He gave her a nod and retracted to his desk.

"So I'll act like I want to do the interview? Suggest to meet him in Freemont park?" Amanda's eyes darted up and down from the phone to Liv and then back again.  
"Perhaps just tell him to call you back? That you want to do the interview and ask him to call you back for a time and place," Liv suggested.  
"Okay," Amanda breathed. She'd punched in the numbers and her finger hovered over the green phone.  
"I'll be right here," Liv said and caught her blues right before she pushed the button and put the phone to her ear. Amanda took a deep breath as she listen to the digital voice telling her to leave a message.

"Hi, my name is Amanda Rollins," she said and felt a little calmer once she realized her voice sounded steady, "I was calling for Gabriel. I believe you were in contact with my mother Emily about a story you're writing covering the Mayhem killings. There was some money involved and, well, they could come in handy right now so why don't you call me back? Okay, bye."

Amanda took a deep breath the moment she was sure the phone was off.

"That was great Amanda," Liv commended her.  
"A-and if he calls back?" Amanda asked sounding nervous.  
"You just set up a date in the park, make sure to give us some time to set things up though. Under no circumstances you agree to meet him on his terms, just blame work or the oath if you run in to some trouble. Make it sound like you're maybe not allowed to talk about the case."

"But won't he see through this? I mean if it's the same guy… he attacked my home last night and today I call him up? That's not suspicious?" Amanda questioned.  
"His desire to have a one-on-one with you might overshadow or prevail any risk assessment. He might not be able to contain himself."

Amanda nodded as her eyes drifted off somewhere in space before she managed to tear her eyes back down to her lap.

"You okay to work?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded again but without looking up at her.  
"I'd like you to take a closer look at these people," Liv said and handed her a manila file. It held everything they'd been able to dug out on the four suspicious workers from Broadmare and Liv asked her to take a closer look at them and see if she recognized anyone of them from somewhere.

Nick and Fin got delayed with the bar hopping rapist Cooper as he shut down after a while and asked for a lawyer. Both of them were eager to work Amanda's case but Liv told them they had to close this case first. They had enough open cases right now so just closing one would feel a whole lot better.

And if that wasn't enough Liv would have to sit down with two distraught parents of a missing 16 year old Oklahoma girl later today. She wasn't really sure why it had been assigned to Manhattan SVU and usually she would've been read up on the case by now but other things just kept demanding her attention as well as Liv prioritizing the safety of one of her own detectives.

She headed out with Keith to catch the rest of the Broadmare's staff and she gave Amanda firm instructions to stay inside the station and call her immediately if Gabriel called back. While Liv was out she got information that a package had arrived from Broadmare and she got in contact with Nick to have him sign for it and then let him know he could check it out if he had time before Cooper's lawyer showed up.

The package contained notes and the tape from the mental health advocate that spoke to Simon in May earlier that year. It also contained three taped sessions between Simon and Tennant. Nick was eager to watch the tapes but of course Cooper's lawyer came in right then and Nick had to prioritize that as Liv had given strict orders before she left.

The day pulled at everyone but Amanda who was stuck at her desk. No one was free at lunch and since she'd been told to stay inside she ended up eating nothing but a stale donut for lunch that she found in the break room. Any other time she might've defied orders and gone outside anyway but right now she frankly felt afraid to do so. She wasn't completely useless though since she actually got time to run searches on three open cases. She found a few leads in two of the cases and she already felt good about being able to present them to Liv later on.

Her phone rang twice, each time she froze and had to build up courage to answer, but both times it ended up being work related. It took her a few minutes once she was able to hang up to collect herself. She felt really silly for working herself up so much for nothing.

Nick and Fin finally rounded up the interrogation with Cooper and Fin came out grunting that he was hungry as hell. They were going to head out for a quick bite and Fin asked her if she wanted to come along. She lied and said someone had bought her lunch earlier and that she would just hung out at her desk until Sergeant came back. Fin was too hungry to stick around and coax her to at least keep them company.

Liv was still not back when the parents of the missing girl walked in. Amanda got them situated in the interview room next to Liv's office and brought them some coffee while they waited. Amanda sent Liv a text letting her know the parents had arrived and to just let them know if anyone else should take the interview. Liv texted right back that she was just a couple of minutes away and would handle it herself.

As Liv came rushing in, taking off her jacket in the process, she still had time to give out a few orders. She told Keith to brief the rest on what their excursion had brought and told Fin she needed him to head over to the courthouse with a few files for DA Barba. Fin grunted but Liv chose to ignore that and just kept walking in to her office where she hung her jacket. She managed to tell Nick to look at the Broadmare package if he had the time before she headed in to the interview room.

The four detectives were left just staring after her back for a few moments but then Keith took the opportunity to be in the center for a while. They'd talked to everyone that came in contact with Simon on Broadmare and they still _only_ had four suspects. Amanda let the others know she didn't recognize anyone of those four suspects. Fin reluctantly headed over to the courthouse while Keith took Amanda's help to round up the suspects within the force. Nick took the Broadmare package and his laptop to one of the rooms in the back, Liv had made it rather clear she didn't want Amanda to be exposed to any recordings containing Simon and Nick got why.

Meanwhile Liv was talking to mr and mrs Clarkson, Jonas and Pat. Their 16 year old daughter Phoebe had run away with a friend and while the friend came back just a few days later Phoebe was still missing and hadn't picked up her phone for five days now. The Clarksons were distraught. Phoebe had left her home in Oklahoma over a month ago but since she was wise beyond her years, looked it as well judging by a recent photo, and had picked up her phone whenever her parents called they hadn't been as distressed as they were now.

Phoebe wanted to be an actress and she'd been angry at her parents for not letting her go to a summer theater course in NY during the summer. When she'd heard of an audition that fitted her age and looks she'd hopped a bus with her best friend Tasmin. According to Tasmin Phoebe had been talking to some boy online and they'd stayed at his place once they arrived in the big city. Tasmin and this boy had apparently hit it off which had caused a rift between the close friends and Phoebe had went to stay with another boy that they'd met through boy number one.

From what Tasmin had told the Clarksons Phoebe hadn't even made it in to the audition room as they had thought she looked too old for the part. Phoebe had picked up a few flyers for other parts and theater plays though, this she'd also told her parents when they finally got a hold of her. She wanted to try this acting out for real and she said she'd found someone that would take her in during her stay in NY.

The Clarkson had trust in their daughter and, even though the disapproved of her choice, given her permission to stay put for a while as long as she checked in at least every other day and didn't stay out later than eleven pm. Mrs Clarkson, Pat, had tried to work things out with school, they really felt education was important but their daughter had a strong will. Pat had been the one keeping up contact with their daughter as Jonas had a hard time keeping his cool while talking to their unruly daughter.

The last contact Pat had with Phoebe was Wednesday afternoon. When she hadn't picked up or gotten back in touch by Friday Pat got worried and had started calling around to the names and numbers her daughter had supplied her with. It turned out she wasn't staying with this friend she had named, she had left his place more than two weeks earlier and he didn't know where she stayed at.

On Saturday Pat managed to get a hold of a girl named Jayne that had seen Phoebe earlier that week. According to Jayne Phoebe wasn't really pursuing her dream of becoming an actress any longer but working at a coffee shop during the day and taking dancing jobs at night. When Pat had pressured Jayne she had suggested that 'dancing jobs' probably meant stripping. The Clarkson had immediately contacted the NYPD and since she was last spotted in Manhattan it landed on Liv's squad.

Liv took all the information she needed, all the names and numbers the Clarksons had and then told them to try to relax and that she would get back to them as soon as her squad found anything. She offered the Clarksons a ride to their hotel with a patrol car but Jonas told Liv to put everyone they had on finding his daughter instead.

Liv knew this would have to get priority too and since Gabriel hadn't called back and they were more or less stuck with any other suspects for the harassment against Amanda Liv decided to follow some traces to Phoebe. She told Fin and Keith to go talk to this Janey, try to find out who else Phoebe hang around and most importantly where she was staying. Liv would take Amanda to go see this young man named Angus who was the one Phoebe and Tasmin had first stayed at, and the one that made a rift between the two friends.

Before they headed out Liv wanted to check in with Nick and told Amanda to just hang around for a few. Nick put the video on hold once Liv stepped in.

"How's it going?" Liv asked and stepped around so she could see the screen. She saw a split screen of Simon and who she figured was the advocate. His name was George Wallis. He had no prior charges, they'd found nothing suspicious surrounding him and since he'd been in another state last night he was probably not the culprit but they still had to make sure nothing fishy had gone down during the interview.

"Simon's…" Nick took a deep breath shaking his head, "…just being an ass. He's trying to...astound Wallis but he seems rather sharp I have to say."  
"No non-verbal communication?" Liv asked and Nick shook his head.  
"Nothing being exchanged?" Liv asked.  
"Wallis handed him a pamphlet but nothing else than that so far. I have about…" Nick took a look at the screen, "twenty minutes left of the tape."  
"Okay," Liv said nodding, "we're heading out to try and find leads to this missing Oklahoma girl, you okay to stay put? Look at the other tapes?"  
"Yeah I rather work this if it's okay with you?" Nick said.  
"It's more than okay," Liv said, "Give me a call if you find anything."  
"I will. Good luck finding the girl," Nick said as she headed back out the door.

**Amanda had been quiet** since they left the station. Liv was driving, trying to focus on the traffic but her eyes glanced over Amanda's way ever so often. The blonde was looking out the window. Liv could only see one of her hands and Liv noticed how she was scratching her leg a little repetitious.

"Did you have lunch?" Liv asked mostly to just say something but she was also curious how Amanda had solved that since she'd heard Fin and Nick had worked through lunch. Amanda nodded. She'd stopped her repetitive motion and instead stroke her palm against her leg like she wiped if from sweat.

"What did you have?" Liv quizzed to try and get her talking. They'd stopped at a red light and Liv caught Amanda giving her a look with slightly raised eyebrows.  
"I _had_ lunch sergeant," Amanda said with a faint smile across her face.

"Okay, I was just making small talk," Liv tried to excuse herself, smiling as well. The traffic started rolling and Liv averted her eyes forward again.  
"You can call me Liv you know," Liv tried, "or Olivia, whatever suits you. Even Benson works but Sergeant just seems so formal."

Liv noticed her watching her again and shot her a smile. Amanda didn't say anything and turned back facing the other way.

**Liv and Amanda learnt** from Angus that he'd chatted with Phoebe for a couple of weeks and he'd offered to let her and a friend stay at his place if they decided to come to New York. There had been some kind of attraction between Angus and Phoebe but when they actually met in person Angus felt more drawn to Phoebe's friend which hadn't sat well with the girl.

At a party she'd met one of his friends, Max, and she'd moved in with him and his roommates. From what Angus knew there hadn't been a hook-up though, just a case of Phoebe needing a place to stay. Jayne, who Fin and Keith were talking to, was a former girlfriend of this Max and she'd met Phoebe at Max's. From Jayne they learnt Phoebe had moved in with another friend of the bunch as Max just couldn't house her any longer.

So Phoebe went to stay with these people called Moritz, Guillermo and Analeigh. While Fin and Keith questioned Moritz and Guillermo at the apartment, Liv and Amanda caught Analeigh at her work which just happened to be the coffee shop Phoebe had been working before she got another 'gig'. From Analeigh they learnt Phoebe had told everyone she was 18 and no one had really questioned it. She knew of Phoebe's ambition to be an actress but Analeigh said sarcastically that it had been the case with like 90 percent of her friends but they were all now working crummy jobs just to make ends meet.

As far as Analeigh knew though Phoebe had kept trying to make it but she wasn't really sure what auditions she'd been to lately. A week or so ago Phoebe had started mentioning these people called Jason and Marion, Moritz and Guillermo mentioned them too, but no one had ever met them and didn't know their last names. But Marion had told Phoebe she had potential and would try and hook her up with a theater company she knew. It was all Phoebe had talked about lately. But none of her roommates could recall the name of this theater company or if Phoebe had ever mentioned them or actually meeting them. Phoebe had slept at the apartment Tuesday night, Analeigh had shared a cup of coffee with her the morning after but after that no one had seen her.

Fin and Keith had a look at her things. She slept on a mattress in the living room and her corner consisted mostly of clothes stacked in small piles along the wall. They did find her phone there and collected it as evidence. Both Moritz and Guillermo made it clear that they never hooked up with Phoebe, that they were strictly friends and as far as the roommates knew she hadn't really been intimate with anyone special. She'd kissed a bloke or two during a few of the parties they held in the apartment but they'd never really seen her hook-up with anyone. She gave the impression of being a bit shy around boys in that way.

The four detectives drove back to the station with Phoebe's phone and the names Jason and Marion which didn't give them much leads to the girl's whereabouts.

**Meanwhile Nick had** finished with the tape of Simon with the advocate and come to the conclusion the advocate was probably not their guy. Nick went on to look at the tapes of Tennant and Simon. Again Nick cringed just hearing Simon's voice and it got even creepier when he talked about Amanda. Or Shay, the doctor hadn't been wrong about Simon mostly calling her Shay.

He was rather focused on Simon, he had this creepy way of gaining your attention, but then Nick noticed that Tennant had put his phone down on the table at the beginning of the session and reached out to fetch it once the hour long session was over with. Nick rewind and found that Tennant had put it down at the very beginning of the session.

It was something about the way he placed the phone, it felt familiar to Nick as he at times put a recorder down between him and a suspect or witness. He looked at the second tape and found Tennant putting his phone down on the table between them again. The tape was rather grainy and Nick didn't think TARU could get a clear image of the phone but he kept watching the phone and just had a gut feeling something was fishy here.

He looked through all three taped sessions, listened to every creepy thing Simon said and he registered the phone on the table every single session. It was definitely something he wanted to ask Tennant about.

**Liv called Phoebe's parents** when they got back to the station and gave them what little they had. She had Fin, Amanda and Keith look up the few names and places they had to try and find a connection. Nick had finished his task while they were out and Liv asked him in to her office to get a briefing. Nick mentioned the phone on the table and they decided to pay Tennant a visit tomorrow. But for now Liv wanted everyone to head home and get a decent night's sleep.

She checked in with Amanda and Fin if they still felt comfortable sleeping at their place and once Amanda had assured her twice she wanted to go back to Fin's Liv finally let them head home. She told them to call if Gabriel made contact. They had a car following them as they rode home. Both Amanda and Fin spotted them, it wasn't hard to spot a patrol car, but Amanda seemed to be the one most bugged about having a tail. She kept frowning as her eyes went from mirror to mirror.

Fin didn't ask about it but then insisted she came with him as they picked up Thai food at their local restaurant. Fin hollered at the patrol car, asked them if they wanted something. The uniform closest to them shook his head though after he'd checked with his partner.

"Like fucking babysitters," Amanda mumbled as they went inside.  
"Them or us?" Fin tried to joke but shut it as he could tell she wasn't amused. She had a hard time choosing what she was in the mood for but finally settled on one of the chicken courses. He let her pay for it all since she wasn't in the best mood and him playing courteous probably wouldn't sit well right now.

As they drove by their building he was relieved to see that they'd been there during the day and fixed the door. They'd also made an attempt to get the spray off but you could still see the faint letters and if you already knew what it read you couldn't miss it. The patrol car signaled with the lights that they were parking outside and Fin signaled back as he took a right turn down in to the garage.

He parked in his designated slot and Amanda got out carrying the bag with their food. She had a few steps on him but didn't want to stray too far ahead because of obvious reasons but it also pissed her off since she really felt like some privacy right now.

"Hold on," Fin suddenly said as Amanda was contemplating how miserable life was.  
"What?" Amanda asked as she looked back at him and caught him looking around with that crease between his eyes that he always got when he was trying to think really hard.

"It's really dark over there," he said and gestured towards the elevator while his head was turned the other way, eyes wandering over the rows of cars. Amanda shot a look further up ahead, it really was dark. It looked as though not only one but several light bulbs were out.

"C'mon," he said and grabbed for her arm. She didn't care that he dragged her with him a bit and then, as his hand went further down her arm, she willingly gave up her free hand and clutched his as they made their way back towards the garage entrance. They heard a sound behind them, just a faint one that sounded like gravel against a surface but it was enough to get both turning their eyes backwards a little nervously.

"Let's go," Fin whispered even though they were already going. He hit his car key and then waited impatiently for the garage door to open back up. He pulled her with a firm grip as he bent down to get out faster and she was right behind him. It was something relieving about getting out on the curb and out from that garage that tonight felt very dark and eerie. As soon as they were on the curb she pulled her hand out of his grip and he didn't fight her for it but just made sure she was by his side as they made their way back around the building.

The officers spotted them coming and jumped out to see what was up. Fin told them about the dark elevator and asked them to check it out. He gave them the garage opener and told them to bring it upstairs once they were done. He told them to watch their backs before he took Amanda inside. They were both a bit tense and he could tell she got a little apprehensive as they got up on the right floor and closing in on the door. Nothing was disturbed though, nothing looked out of order and he managed to open the door without trouble.

He suggested they just went ahead and ate but it got quite obvious Amanda was too tense to do much of anything. It looked as though she caught sounds that weren't real and she jumped once when he touched her arm gently. He still tried to go on with the dinner plans but as he dug in she mostly shuffled her food around. Then she managed to drop her fork and got sweet and sour sauce splattered over her top. Fin told her to not worry about it but she said she wanted to change and walked down to her room.

It took forever and just as he was about to go look for her there was a firm knock on the door. He caught her peeking out of her room as he went towards the door. He gestured for her to just stay back as he continued towards the door.

"Yeah?" he asked loudly through the door.  
"It's officer Owen and Hader," came from outside the door.

Fin still checked the peephole before he unlocked the door. Owen handed him the garage opener and let him know it looked as someone may have tampered with the lamps by the elevator but they'd searched the garage as best they could and found nothing. He also said they'd taken the staircase up just to make sure no one was hiding out. Fin thanked them gratefully and asked if he could get them anything before they headed downstairs. Owen told him they were only on for another hour and then they would get relieved by another unit. Fin thanked them again and sent them off with a good night.

"Nothing?" Amanda's weak voice startled him a little but he found himself quickly and shook his head towards her.  
"Lights out but that's happened before," Fin said and tried to downplay it but the fact was he was worried this creep was closing in on her.

"C'mon let's take our plates to the TV and make a second attempt at it," Fin said and brought her with him to the kitchen. He helped her carry her drink and then they paddled over to the couch with everything. They sat down just in time for a new episode of Live free or die and Fin managed to get her in a better mood by putting her mind the lovely goofballs the show featured. Fin laughed out loud as Amanda close to choked on a piece of chicken as their favorite character Colbert blurted out another one of his lessons learned after living in and off the nature for many years. The fact he was filtering tiny fish fries through his teeth with his fur hat slightly off center while doing this made it all so much more hilarious.

Her phone had been quiet all night long but after dinner, as they were just lounging on the couch close to each other her phone buzzed on the table. She jumped at first before she realized it was a text and not a phone call but then even the text made her nervous and she reluctantly reached for her phone. She took a deep breath as she opened up the text and then read it quietly.

She handed the phone over to him with a face that didn't tell him much.

"What?" Fin asked but she just scooted back towards one of the corners of the couch, which meant away from him, as she kept her eyes on the television screen. Fin tore his concerned eyes off her and looked at the text.

"_For He had commanded the unclean spirit to come out of the man. For it had seized him many times; and he was bound with chains and shackles and kept under guard, and yet he would break his bonds and be driven by the demon into the desert_._" (__**Luke 8:29**__)_

"What the hell does that mean?" Fin groaned once he'd read the text. He looked to Amanda but she kept staring at the TV. Fin looked at the phone again.  
"I think it means he knows police are sitting on me," Amanda suddenly spoke, her eyes still on the TV. Fin looked up at her but she denied him a good look of her eyes. Suddenly though she got up out of the couch and quickly made her way out of there. He wanted to call her back but stopped himself, he knew it wouldn't accomplish anything. He sighed loudly, turned his eyes towards the TV but he'd lost all interest of whatever they'd been watching before the stupid text.

The phone still in his hand buzzed again and he angrily unlocked it.

"_No man can protect you Amanda. Only God can keep you safe. Oblige him and you might be spared."  
_"Fucking asshole," Fin mumbled after he'd read the second text.

He fought an urge to answer the texts, they came from an actual number and he could only hope it got traced somehow. He turned his head and looked towards where he'd last seen her. _Fucking nightmare_. He left the phone on the table, if this Gabriel called back he would just have to leave a message, and got up to go check on her.

He didn't see her on her bed and moved further down the hall. He found her on his bed, back towards the door. He touched the door, pushed at it a little hoping she would know he was coming so he wouldn't startle her. He got his knee up on the bed, very non-limber got further up and laid down parallel with her, giving her some space.

"I know it's asking much," he said after a while, "but you can't let him get to you."  
"Who?" she asked without moving.  
"What's that?" he asked.

She stirred a little and then rolled over to face him but keeping her distance to him. Her eyes looked a little glossy but the rest of her face looked remarkably collected. He watched her stroke back her own hair and move a little on the pillow next to him to find a comfortable spot.

"Whom shouldn't I let get to me? We don't even know who he is?" she finally asked. She sounded detached to him, he'd learnt to dislike that voice of hers. He didn't want her to feel hurt either but the emotionless voice was a bit scary to him. He'd heard it many times as she posed as Shay. He liked some sides of Shay, like how comfortable she was in her own skin, but he'd take Amanda any day of the week over her.

"This creep, you can't let him get to you," Fin said calmly.  
"He came here. He's real now, how can I not let him get to me?" she asked just as calmly.  
"By trusting that we'll catch him, and that we can keep you safe until we do."

She observed him thoroughly, like she had to think about if she could trust him or not. Meanwhile he just watched her. He loved how she tucked her hand in underneath her chin whenever they lied like this.

"What about Simon?" she asked after a while. He was surprised she was able to say his name so calmly, she usually avoid it with everything she had and when she was forced to say his name out loud there was usually a tremor on her voice.

"What about him?" he asked, wanting to make him an insignificant figure.  
"If he's behind this he could keep it up, again and again and…"  
"No," he said cutting her off, "If he's behind this he'll never get a second chance."  
"You can't promise me that," she whispered.  
"I can," he said quietly, "He'll never get to you ever again I promise you that."

It looked as though she thought of something and that she was about to say something but she stayed quiet.

"What?" he asked but she just shook her head as much as she could without moving off the pillow.

They just lied there for a while, he kept watching her but her eyes shied away from his every now and then. It wasn't like he was all that good with confrontation and intimacy but with her it felt different, for the first time he felt as though he wanted all of that he'd only heard others talk about. All that had always felt foreign to him, even though he married someone. The closeness and the craving for another human being. And the craving wasn't just physical, he craved her brilliant mind, her dry sense of humor and just the way one look from her could make any cloudy day seem bright.

"You know you can tell me anything," he whispered after they'd lied there for several minutes.

She looked at him with a bit of indecisiveness in her eyes. He nodded slightly to reassure that what he said was the truth.

"Can I?" she still questioned though.  
"Yes," he said and reached out to cup her cheek.

She didn't shy away from his touch and he felt her lips brush slightly against the edge of his hand as she closed her eyes and leaned up against his hand.

"I'm scared," she whispered right before she opened her eyes again. The look in her eyes resemblanced defeat.  
"I wish you didn't have to feel that way," he said letting his hand move back over her hair, "that I could make it stop."  
"Me too," she whispered and tried a smile that quickly vanished though.

He kept his hand on her as they continued their game of him trying to catch a glance of her eyes. _Damn you're beautiful_. He wished there was something he could do to make her feel better, to make her not feel scared. He stroke the side of her face, fondled her ear a little and he saw her close her eyes with a content look over her face. When she opened her eyes again she looked a little calmer and it made him close in on her. He leaned his forehead against hers and drew comfort from having her so close. His hand was at the back of her neck, going up and down from the soft baby hair at her hairline down to right inside her top where her skin was warmer.

"I wanna make you feel good," he whispered as he shifted his head slightly, letting his lips brush up against hers. He caught her blue eyes as he tasted her upper lip. He could tell she was a little timid and he knew he would have to proceed with caution. He worked her lips for a while, let his hand slide down her back.

"You'll feel better," he mumbled as though he tried to convince one or both of them and he increased pressure on her mouth. All he could think of now was how much he wanted her and how good they both had felt coming down of that rush that only orgasms could give you.

"You'll feel better," he repeated barely audible as he was inside her mouth now. His hands was down by her waist and he found a thin line of skin between her pants and her top that he let his fingers go over a few times before he continued down just below the jeans. _God her skin was so soft_. He felt her hand come up on his chest and it made him work her mouth harder. His hand came around her body and he started on her belt. He'd just gotten the buckle opened when he felt her hand put pressure on his chest. She mumbled something against his mouth and withdrew from him. He followed her, not wanting to separate from her and he grabbed a hold of her jeans. It wasn't until she shoved him hard with both hands that he sobered up.

"This is not…" she rambles as she got up off the bed, her hands going up the sides of her distraught face and in to her hair, "…not what I need… t-to feel good."

He wanted to say he was sorry but he couldn't get it out and all he could do was watch her scramble around the bed to get out of there.

"I need you to catch him, _that's_ what I need," he heard as she left the room. He fell back down on the bed, one hand landing flat on his face. _What the hell was he thinking? Of course that wasn't what she needed right now. _

He lied there for a while just feeling awful. Just a few years ago he might've just stayed there, pulled the cover over his head and forgot all about it. But he was different now, _she'd_ made him different and he had to make sure she was okay even though the possibility was she wanted nothing to do with him right now. He literally dragged his sorry ass up out of bed and slowly made his way down the corridor. He found her on her bed, again with her back towards the door. She was curled up and he just watched her for a while leaning against the doorframe.

"Amanda?" he finally said carefully. He could tell she flinched slightly.  
"I'm fine Fin," she mumbled without turning over, "I just need sleep."

He was quiet for a while.

"I'm sorry Amanda," he said next.  
"Don't worry about it," she answered sounding sincere, "Sorry I shoved you."

"You were right to," he said.  
"No… but I'm really tired okay?"

"Okay. We're cool?"  
"We're cool," she echoed.

He kept watching her. He wanted desperately to make sure she really was okay and that they were cool but something made the distance between them feel immense and he honestly was a little afraid to approach her as he feared rejection again.

"Could you close the door," she suddenly asked.  
"You sure?" he asked. For two years now that door had never been completely shut.  
"Yeah, please close it."

"Okay, I'll do that then," he said not feeling like it at all, "Night Manda."  
"Night Fin," she mumbled as he slowly closed the door just in case she would change her mind.

But she didn't and his palm rested against the closed door for a while. He didn't like that barrier between them. For two years they had barely left each other's sides. At work at times of course when duty called for it and he did go out with his friends from time to time. She had a standing invitation though but sometimes she preferred to stay in and he was able to enjoy some time apart. He'd occasionally hooked up during those nights out without her by his side. He would never hit on anyone when she was around but when she wasn't… he felt bad but he had urges that he just didn't want to push on her. But tonight he felt as he'd done that and that only added to the slight guilt he already felt about hooking up with others. They'd never been exclusive but he could easily picture himself going that distance with her. She was worth it. He just wanted her so much and now this door between them felt like an ominous sign at a time when they surely didn't need any more obstacles.

"I love you Manda," he whispered to the door.

* * *

_It was once said that love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to._ ~ Unknown

* * *

**Wednesday came and** went too fast. They kept interviewing friends of Phoebe and it looked more and more like Phoebe's attempts to make it in show business made her accept offers that would not take her down that route but a very different and shady business. This Marion person had apparently set her up with some photo jobs that left her shed some clothes and then there was that dancing job that Phoebe had come home crying from but really hadn't want to talk about.

Amanda's phone had been quiet, exempt from any threats so far and she'd been out with Fin almost the entire day talking to Phoebe's friends. Fin thought he could feel a bit of tension between them but the next moment everything felt like usual so he wasn't sure. They met up with Nick and Keith to have lunch and then briefed Liv once they were back in the office.

Nick and Keith went out to interview another pair of friends of Phoebes while Fin and Amanda stayed in to work on some other cases that mostly needed paper work done before upcoming trials. Liv had been stuck in her office most of the day, trying to get in touch with doctor Tennant while taking care of administrative duties but also working a few leads that came out of today's interviews. While taking care of the latter she'd requested some files from Vice and one in particularly had caught her attention.

As their shift was coming to a close Nick and Keith walked back in. Liv spotted Amanda walk away with her cup to the coffee area and she hurried out.

"Can I see you two for a minute," she said quietly and directed it at Nick and Fin. She just didn't have time to be concerned if Keith felt left out or not, she just had to get them to the side before Amanda came back.  
"What's up?" Fin asked but Liv just gestured them with her down the hallway to one of the interrogation rooms.  
"Close the door please," Liv asked and Fin gave her a puzzled look as Nick did as she asked.  
"Liv?" Fin asked when she took a deep breathe instead of talking even after Nick had stepped up next to him.  
"I've been digging around on those leads we got on Phoebe," Liv said and handed Fin a file that she'd been carrying.

Fin flipped it open and held it so Nick could get a good look on it as well. They saw a document from Vice about a club named Chou-Chou and that Nick remembered one of Phoebe's friends mentioning.

"Why the secrecy?" Fin asked as he couldn't find anything special about the report Vice had drawn up. It was a basic strip club but it had been cleared from any wrongdoings or criminal transgressions.  
"The owner," Liv said and cocked her head at the file in his hand.  
"Anton Golov," Nick said out loud, "Why does that name sound familiar?"

Liv looked a little pale now.

"Anton Golov," she said, "son of Grigory Golov also known as…"  
"Gordon Goodwin," Fin whispered and Nick looked at him as though he couldn't believe him.

"You're kidding me," Nick said. He was the one that gained his speech back first and he took the file from Fin to just get a better look at it or something.  
"Afraid not," Liv said with her eyes stuck on Fin. She wasn't sure how he would react to this news and she still wasn't sure.

"Fin…" she said to catch his eyes, "You okay?" she asked once she had them.

He nodded but then wiped his face with both hands before he was able to gather himself enough to talk.

"They really aren't kiddin', when shit flies... fucking shitstorm," he mumbled.

"Could he be behind the texts?" Nick asked. Liv shrugged but looked doubtful.  
"From what I understand… _those_ people never made her for a cop right?" Liv said and looked to Fin. He was not able to answer them.

"She was missing at the same time as it was blasted all over the news that a NYPD detective was kidnapped, someone could've made the connection," Nick said though, "He might have made the connection and blamed her for his father's death."

"But what about the religious aspect?" Liv asked.  
"Gordon was religious right? I think I read that in Amanda's notes and the back tattoo," Nick made a gesture over his own shoulder, "There's a strong possibility his son is also religious and if he picked up something about the Mayhem choker, I mean that could make him want to punish her in a way she's already been tortured. Gordon was a vicious man. He was in the business and now his son is too. Want to bet he has an evil streak too?"

Liv took a deep breathe.

"Have you checked him out? Priors?" Nick asked.  
"Just minors, an assault on another man that was tossed out in court, he's been heard in two drug busts but never charged. Vice didn't have much on him but he's surrounding himself with some shady people," Liv informed them.

"Wasn't he in juvie on a rape charge though?" Fin said remembering what he'd read about him two years ago.  
"We should talk to him," Nick said and continued when Liv looked skeptical, "if Phoebe took a dancing job there… she's underaged Liv, it's a way in."

"Okay you go talk to him but I don't want Amanda finding out," Liv said and caught the look Fin gave her.  
"If he's not linked to the threats and not to Phoebe disappearing either then it's unnecessary to remind her of Gordon too, isn't it enough with Simon popping back up?" Liv tried to explain her thinking.

"The truth is always best," Fin said though not wanting to hold anything back from Amanda.  
"Not if withholding that spares her avoidable grief," Liv still reasoned.

Fin was about to say something else when there was a close to frantic knock on the door and all eyes turned to the door as it opened. Amanda stood there, a bewildered look all over her face. Nick hurried to close the file and even put it behind his back.

"What?" she asked with a strained voice as she caught all three's somewhat startled looks. As though she'd caught them doing something they shouldn't be doing.  
"You tell us?" Liv countered as she was the first one to gather herself. Amanda managed to look both anxious and cheerful as she held up her phone.  
"He called," she said still a little out of breathe, "Gabriel called. I set up a meeting with him at noon tomorrow. I'm going to meet Gabriel."


	7. Chapter 7: Captive

So sorry for the long hiatus, haven't been in the mood to write (made a fanvideo though), might be connected with being slightly annoyed with SVU right now, not at all a fan of how they 'made' Amanda a rape victim only to leave it at that. On a show about special victims I just think that storyline should be dealt with properly.

But now I'm back at it and I'll stay in my own little fanfiction world until I finish this. I got most of the next chapter already written, major proofreading needed though but I'll try and update regularly from now on.

So where did I leave it? We're two years down the line from everything that went down in My Own Army (sister's death, undercover at strip club, making herself a victim of a serial killer). Amanda starts getting threatening texts and they focus in on Simon who's locked up at a psychiatric ward. His psychiatrist Aaron Tennant is of interest. The threats turns to fullblown stalking all while they are working a missing girl case and comes across another familiar name; Gordon Goodwin's son Anton Golov. Liv wants to try and keep Amanda out of it &amp; asks Fin not to mention it to her. And here we go... happy reading (maybe). XO

* * *

**Chapter 7: Captive**

* * *

_"I am the LORD, I have called You in righteousness, I will also hold You by the hand and watch over You, And I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, As a light to the nations, To open blind eyes, To bring out prisoners from the dungeon And those who dwell in darkness from the prison."_ (**Isaiah 42:6-7**)

* * *

Fin really disliked keeping secrets from her. He'd always preferred straight talk, even when it came to perps but he got why lying to them could be a good strategy at times. To lie to her though… he didn't see anything good coming out of that. Two years ago secrets and lies had come between them and he couldn't help but fear this, along with a door shut between them, would yet again make them drift apart.

But Liv had been firm and repeated it to him before he and Amanda left the station. She didn't want Amanda to know about Gordon's son Anton if it wasn't absolutely necessary. She would take Nick to the club and question Anton before the end of the day. If he was cleared of knowing anything about Phoebe it could all just end with that, Amanda would never have to find out. No one wanted to even think about what would happen if Gordon's son would turn out to have anything to do with Phoebe's disappearance.

In an attempt to get Amanda to relax a little, and hopefully eat, he stopped at a restaurant at the way home from the station. The police escort stayed parked behind their car across the street. Amanda didn't even want to get out of the car at first, kept insisting they should just head straight home. When he mentioned that the cops behind them would start to wonder soon why they didn't move she finally got out.

He asked for a table at the far back so they could have some privacy and also get a good overview of the place which would hopefully make her feel safe. She liked to pretend she was fine but he could tell she was jumpy. They'd been there before and when Amanda struggled on what to order he just picked what she usually ate and he felt a little relieved that she seemed fine with him doing that.

"So you wanna do something for Halloween?" he asked.

Amanda gave him an annoyed look. He usually didn't plan that far ahead nor did he particularly enjoy that holiday, she'd heard him say numerous times how silly it was for grownups to put costumes on. But he didn't complain at the ladies dressed as catwoman for some reason.

"You don't do Halloween," Amanda questioned.  
"But I was just thinking we could do something this year, like crash a party or something," Fin said with a shrug. The waiter came over with their drinks and Amanda stayed quiet until he left again.

"So you want to crash a party and what, we'll have brothers in blue escorting us?"  
"At least they'll be in costume already," Fin said and liked that he'd gotten her to smile.

He watched her as she had a taste of her soda and her eyes went over the restaurant.

"Whoever is doing this will be caught and out of our lives by then, don't worry," he said not wanting to diminish her fear. She shot him a quick look, she didn't look convinced and when his face couldn't offer her reassurance she looked away, started tracing a scratch in the table with her finger. He looked at her trying to come up with something else to say to cheer her up.

"Teresa booked us for Thanksgiving," Fin said and gained her attention again.  
"Already?" Amanda asked even though she shouldn't have been surprised, she knew Teresa pretty well by now.  
"You know her, probably been planning it since Easter," Fin said with a chuckle.

"Will Ken be there?" she asked knowing he would probably like that.  
"Not sure," Fin said with a shrug, "they were planning on going to Alejandro's family but if Ken has to work they might stop by Teresa's instead."  
"It would be fun to see them, it's been a while since I did," Amanda said and when she looked back out over the restaurant she realized she'd actually forgot what was going on for a couple of seconds. She wished it could've stayed that way, reality wasn't so much fun right now.

She did her best to try and relax and ignore the fact she felt as though people were watching her. Whenever she met someone else's eyes she froze for a second and could only breathe when they turned away again. She felt stupid for being so self-absorbed and for being such a useless company to Fin. _What had he ever done to deserve her as a burden? How could she ever repay him for everything he'd done for her? She loved him but she just couldn't make love to him. Not right now anyway. Her skin crawled just thinking about being touched_.

She tried to listen to what he was saying, to chuckle as best she could at his jokes. He deserved at least that, her attention and appreciation for trying to make her feel better. She did her best to eat as well, she knew he worried about her not eating enough so she tried to put in an effort and force some food down even though she wasn't hungry.

She'd just smiled at a joke he made when she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. Fin noticed her reaction immediately. She froze and he followed her eyes to her pocket realizing it was her phone that made her react so strongly. He put down his fork and watched her as she checked her phone. Once she'd read the text her eyes immediately went out over the restaurant.

"What?" he asked leaning in towards her.  
"Can we just leave," she begged without looking at him, "now."

She handed him her phone and he read the text.

"_The Avenger of blood shall put the murderer to death when they meet." (Numbers 35. 21)_

"Son of a bitch," Fin mumbled. He gave Amanda a look, she was getting ready to get out of there, fumbling in her pocket for cash to leave on the table but she couldn't find any.  
"This SOB must be this Gabriel prick," Fin said grabbing her arm to get her to look at him.  
"Can't we just get out of here," she frowned and pulled her arm back so she could rise up.

She didn't watch her back and bumped in to someone who was heading back towards the bathrooms.

"I'm sorry," she excused herself as she heard the other person apologize as well. She pulled her jacket a little closer around herself and reached over the table to get her phone back.

"C'mon let's go," she pleaded, looking miserable.  
"We have to pay Amanda," he said as he shoved a little of his remaining food in his mouth.  
"I'll take care of it," she said and walked over to the bar.  
"Hey, don't stray," he said and hurried after her.

She took care of the bill up by the counter and she turned to Fin as they waited for the waiter to come back with her card.

"Maybe we should call Liv?" she said keeping her voice quiet, "Tell her Gabriel might be the right track?"

Fin checked his watch. He wasn't sure Liv had finished with or even gotten to Gordon's son Anton yet.

"It can wait till the morning," he said to get off the topic, "Let's just get home."

* * *

**What a rush. He'd** never been that scared but excited at the same time. She'd been so near. He'd been so close to her, sitting just a few yards from her. Hearing her voice, it sounded so sweet. Simon really was right, she must be an angel as her voice sounded angelic. She'd been so serious the first time she spoke to him. She'd handed him her card and told him to get in touch if he remembered anything else. The fact was he'd lied. He'd only got to the crime scene later on. He'd been following her from the station so of course he'd only gotten there afterwards.

But he'd lied and done such a good job of it she wanted to hear more from him. She'd given him a smile before she turned back and walked away. He'd been so cool, managed to act perfectly normal even though it was the first time they interacted and he had to fight an urge to just reach over and touch her. Touch her face, that blonde hair, stick a finger through one of those blue eyes. He could've finished what Simon started right there and then. But he got why Simon did it the way he did. His method was brilliant. They had to suffer to really count.

Scare them, make them feel in need of help and then push them over the edge so that they actually asked to get killed. Just brilliant. He couldn't wait to actually try it out himself but he knew he had to patience himself. He had to be smart, smarter than Simon and not get caught. He would make Simon proud. Someone would finally be proud of him.

And now here he was. He'd been close to her several times. As she picked up her coffee at a Starbucks once, he'd held the same shaker as she had. He'd picked up a napkin she'd used and left behind in a trashcan at the snack bar outside court. She'd looked really good that day, he could tell she'd put on mascara and she'd smelled so good as he stood behind her in line.

She'd forgotten to lock the car one morning and he'd been really brave sneaking inside grabbing some of her stuff. Right outside the station and no one had seen him. Such a rush touching the seat she'd been in, holding the wheel she'd just held. In that moment he'd really felt like Simon.

She'd shot him a slight smile but not really looked him in the eyes as they passed each other in a door last week. He'd touched her jacket as she passed him and he'd been scared stiff that her partner had seen her. He'd been oblivious though. That big, ignorant, black man that wasn't just her partner. She stayed at his place too. How wrong wasn't that? Seemed her boss knew though cause she'd been by there too, he'd seen her. Corrupt police department, the whole bunch of them.

She really deserved to be learned a lesson. She was filth just as Simon had realized and he had to do something. He hadn't quite figured out how to get to her though. She was a cop, obviously trained and knew how to defend herself and probably could fight better than he'd ever been able to. So attacking her home was the best thing he could come up with. He wished he would've been able to stick around and see her reaction to that but he couldn't risk being caught.

But she'd obviously been rattled by it. She looked worn down, scared of noises and her whole demeanor just screamed danger. He'd succeeded and that felt so good. But then here she was laughing with her _partner_ at a restaurant. She shouldn't be allowed to do that. She should be shaking in her boots, she should fear him. And she had, as soon as he'd texted her. To actually see her react to getting the text was incredible. Absolutely incredible. Immediate fear. He had that power over her and he liked it.

He'd taken his chance as he saw her scramble up from the table and it had worked out perfectly as she bumped in to him. He'd smelled her, felt her and the rush of just knowing he could do so much more was sensational. How Simon was able to control himself… he still had so much to learn. Simon was a true rolemodel and he couldn't think of anyone better to learn to master the skill from. She would be his first. She _had_ to be his first.

* * *

_"O my God, in You I trust, Do not let me be ashamed; Do not let my enemies exult over me."_ **(Psalms 25:2)**

* * *

**As Amanda and Fin arrived** home Liv and Nick parked their car across the street from Anton's strip club Chou-Chou. A few men were smoking outside the door and they eyed them as they went up to the entrance. Liv showed her badge as the security guard put up a hand in front of them.

"More business than pleasure tonight," the guard grinned at them but let them pass, even holding up the door for them. They passed the wardrobe and stepped through the red velvet that framed the way in. Nick got flashbacks from his many visits to Bare Assets two years ago. _What was it with red velvet and strip joints? _

The place looked a little classier than Bare Assets though. Black vinyl chairs and couches around a big stage with a catwalk made out of mirror glass. The ceiling had disco balls in different sizes and lights flashing in red and white. The bar looked similar to the stage. Even Liv thought it looked rather classy, well as classy as a strip club could get.

On stage a woman was shedding an already skimpy outfit and further down the stage a woman was riding a pole. Liv counted about thirty people around the stage and another ten over by the bar. She saw two women working the floor and the VIP area seemed to be down by the end of the bar. A waitress came walking over towards them and both of them flashed their badges.

"Anton Golov?" Liv said over the music, "Is he here? We want to talk to him."  
"I don't think he's in yet," the girl shouted, "Let me check with Lester."

They stayed put as she made her way over to the bar but kept their eyes on her. She bent in over the bar and talked to the bartender who shot them a glance as the two spoke. He told her something, walked off and disappeared through a door at the end of the bar. The waitress didn't head back to them but started talking to some guys at the bar instead.

It didn't take long until they got company though. A beefy guy in a rather nice get up came walking over. He introduced himself as Andrew Howell, let them know he worked with Anton and could answer any questions they might have.

"We really need to talk to Anton," Liv said but made an effort to not sound too bossy.  
"He's not gotten here yet but if you don't mind waiting around… I can offer you something to drink," Andrew said and gestured towards the bar.  
"Could you try and get a hold of him?" Liv asked, "Get him to get here faster if it's possible."  
"Sure," Andrew said very cooperative, "please have a seat. Cindy."

He gestured at another waitress and then pointed to the two detectives while he got his phone up as he walked away from them.

"Can I get you something to drink?" this waitress Cindy asked them but Liv said no thanks as they took a seat by the end of the bar. Nick had kept his eyes on Andrew and it looked as though he might've gotten a hold of Anton. He met Andrew's eyes across the bar briefly but then Andrew turned his back towards them.

"You think he'll work with us or against us?" Nick asked Liv and she followed his eyes over to Andrew's back.  
"If he works with us it would be a first," Liv said with a deep sigh and then let her eyes go out over the place.

A girl was out on stage with a chair now and was luring up someone from the floor to apparently sit on it. Liv frowned and turned her eyes from the spectacle. She connected eyes with a guy further down the bar who seemed to check her out. She gave him a deadly stare and he quickly spun around on his chair. She met Nick's smiling eyes when she turned towards him but just rolled her eyes as she tried finding something else to look at that didn't involve too much nude skin.

"You think maybe we should ask around while we wait, show her picture around?" Nick asked a few minutes later as he was getting restless. Liv hadn't spoken for a while and he had a hard time keeping his eyes off the naughtiness going on around him. He felt uncomfortable in a place like this, it went against his beliefs and it also gave him flashbacks to what had been going on with Amanda.

Liv watched him for a few seconds but then shook her head.

"I want to see Anton's response when we show him her photo," Liv said, "If we start asking around I'm sure they'll give him a heads up why we're here. Let's not give him that chance."

Nick just nodded and tried to relax a little. He knew he had to focus. They were here to find a missing girl and maybe even talk to the person who was harassing Amanda, they had to be focused.

It didn't take long after that until Andrew came walking up to them again.

"Sorry, had to see to some business," he excused himself as he leaned back against the chair next to Liv, "Anton is on his way. Sure we can't get you something to drink?"  
"We're fine," Liv answered.  
"Can't be seen drinking in a strip club right," Andrew smiled at her.

"How long have you worked for Anton?" she asked to get them talking about something else. He seemed to be giving the question some thought or perhaps he was just distracted by the stripper on stage.  
"I guess pretty much my whole life," Andrew finally answered, "We grew up together."

Liv hadn't necessary disliked Andrew even though he worked for Anton and in a strip club but she couldn't help but dislike him with this new information. If they'd been friends from an early age Andrew might have been by Anton's side as he raped that girl.

"How long has he had this place?" Liv asked.  
"This place? He took over about a year ago," Andrew informed them.  
"And before that?" Nick asked.  
"We were down in Philly working."  
"Working on what?" Liv asked.  
"Same as up here," Andrew said with a shrug.  
"You know Justin Oche?" Nick asked and it was evident on Andrew's face he knew him.

Andrew gave him a nod.

"You worked for him?"  
"More _with_ him," Andrew answered.  
"Even though he might have been involved in Anton's dad's death?" Liv couldn't stay away from the topic.

Andrew's eyes narrowed slightly.

"You know how it is, keep your enemies closer," Andrew said and this time his grin shinned through the smile.  
"So Oche is an enemy?" Liv asked.  
"Who knows really," Andrew said and shrugged.

His eyes went back out over the stage.

"Seems you probably know the answer best," Liv suggested but Andrew didn't seem interested in continuing talking about Justin Oche.

Liv wouldn't let it go that easy though.

"Does Anton think Oche killed his dad?"  
"You can ask him when he gets here," Andrew said casually without looking at her, "Might not want to start with Oche though, it's not his favorite subject."  
"I take it you knew Anton's dad? Gordon?" Liv said and finally got Andrew to look at her.  
"Did you?" he countered with a bit of an attitude.  
"Never had the pleasure," Liv said and tried to keep a grin off her face.  
"No, he was good at ditching the cops. That's at least one good thing you can say about him," Andrew smirked.  
"So you didn't like him?" Liv asked as Andrew's eyes yet again went over to the stage.  
"Gordon was a tough son of a bitch, he'd earned my respect though. He didn't deserve to go down like that."  
"So why work with Oche?"  
"Justin says he'd nothing to do with what went down," Andrew said as he kept watching the floor.  
"And you took his word for it?"  
"He's never done anything to make us _not_ trust his word."  
"But do you trust _him_?"  
"I trust Anton," Andrew said simply as he gestured one of the waitresses over.

He grabbed her sort of degrading but she kept smiling as Andrew leaned in to her a little.

"Could you be a sweetheart and remind Candy of our guidelines," he said as he cocked his head towards a blonde, voluptuous lady straddling a man right below the stage.  
"Especially four to seven, and cut her off for the rest of the night okay?" Andrew smiled at the waitress as he slapped her ass to get her going.  
"Okay Andy, you know I'll do anything for you," she smiled as she batted her eyelashes and then strutted away.

"So what exactly do _you_ do here?" Nick asked.  
"I keep the girls in check, make sure no one acts inappropriate," Andrew said and pointed the blonde's way to apparently show an example of being inappropriate.

Neither Nick nor Liv paid the girl much attention though, they were more interested in Andrew as he might've come in contact with Phoebe if she'd worked here.

"What about the customers?" Nick asked and finally got Andrew to look over their way again.  
"What about them?"  
"You make sure _they_ don't act inappropriate?" Nick suggested.  
"Nah, we got guards for that. Girls are my priority," Andrew explained.  
"Do you hire girls as well?" Liv had to ask.  
"Sure at times, what? You looking for a new job?" Andrew smiled and looked at her.

She didn't remunerate his smile though and it seemed to amuse Andrew as he looked away snickering slightly.

"Sorry didn't mean to offend you," he said once he'd been able to collect himself. He kept his eyes on the stage though.  
"None taken," Liv said but at the same time as she gritted her teeth.  
"I've heard there's quite a turnover on strippers, is that true?" Nick tried.  
"I guess maybe," Andrew said and shrugged, "depends on the management. Keep the girls happy and they stick around, as long as they're hot and knows a little about what they're doing there's always work for them elsewhere so you gotta keep the good ones happy."  
"So you make sure the girls are happy? Just how do you do that?" Liv challenged.

Andrew turned to look at her and he gave her a smile that told Liv he was more impressed then offended by her.

"Safety first and foremost," Andrew started and then turned his head over towards the girl on the main stage as he continued; "Of course money is a big part of it too, make it worth their while. Girls up here can be a little greedy…"  
"Different from Philly?" Liv guessed. Andrew turned to look at her again, his smile was gone and he shrugged slightly.  
"It's a greedy business wherever you turn but you can always rely on one thing… sex sales."

Liv was about to follow up on what Andrew had just said when she spotted someone familiar walking down along the bar. She'd seen Anton Golov's head shot in the file from Vice and had no problem recognizing the spawn of evil. He shared very little, if none, physical resemblance to his dad though. He didn't have his father's round figure, far from it, he looked like he was in good shape and wore clothes that helped accentuated that. His hair was dirty blond and long, Liv estimated that it probably reached below his shoulders when he let it out of that low ponytail he sported tonight as well in the photos she'd seen of him. He looked good, Liv couldn't take that away from him. He had a certain appeal but arrogance also radiated from him in the way he walked and the way he seemed to expect respect.

Andrew tossed his chin up at Anton and got a quick shoulder pat before Anton turned his attention to his visitors. Coming closer Liv saw a hint of Gordon in him, it was something about the eyes and a self-acclaimed superiority.

"I heard you wanted to talk to me, well here I am," Anton grinned and held out his hands.  
"Sergeant Benson," Liv said and got up off her chair.

She gave Anton's extended hand a look before she decided to grant his request to shake her hand.

"Detective Amaro," Nick said and took Anton's hand next.  
"Welcome to my place," Anton smiled, "It's a great place but would you prefer to go behind the scenes to find a place where we can talk more freely?"

Liv nodded and Anton gestured for them to follow him. Liv didn't have to ask Andrew to come along as well as he got up and followed them. Anton took them away from the bar and they crossed the floor. Nick tried to keep his eyes away from the stage and everything that was going on down on the floor but Liv met every set of eyes with a stern look. She'd back down to no one.

They went behind the drape of red velvet that they'd figured was the way to the VIP section and they'd been right. Behind the drape they were met with what looked like a private stripper room. A dining table in the middle of the room, a pole right next to it and what looked like some contraptions by the walls that neither Liv nor Nick wanted to imagine what they were used for.

The room was empty though and Anton kept walking through it. He hadn't spoken since they'd left the bar and stayed quiet as they walked down a hallway with, Liv counted three doors on each side with music coming through at least two of the doors. At the end of the hallway Anton opened a door and gestured them in to what looked like a cramped office with just enough chairs for the four of them. Andrew stayed leaned against the door though as Anton gestured at Liv and Nick to have a seat.

"Something to drink?" Anton asked and reached inside one of his drawers and pulled up a whisky bottle.  
"No thank you, your companion has already offered," Liv said and looked back at Andrew.  
"Suit yourselves," Anton said and poured himself a glass.

He cocked his head at Andrew but he apparently declined as Anton put down the bottle without filling another glass.

"So what brings NYPD to my humble abode?" Anton said after he had a taste of his drink.  
"We're looking for a girl," Liv started.  
"Aren't we all?" Anton chipped in and made Andrew laugh but no one else even sport a smile.  
"Sorry, couldn't help myself, go ahead," Anton said.  
"Thank you," Liv said sarcastically and got Phoebe's photo out of her pocket.  
"We have reasons to believe this girl works for you," she said and put the photo on his desk.

Anton put down his glass and grabbed the photo with both hands. He seemed to really observe the photo.

"No this one does not work here," he said but didn't sound all too convincing, "Andy?"

Andrew stepped forward and took the photo that Anton held out to him.

"Not one of our girls," Andrew said quickly and handed the photo back to Liv.  
"You want to take another look," Liv said and placed the photo back in front of Anton, "Maybe she doesn't work for you at this moment but we know she at least did at some point."

"Who is she?" Anton asked without looking at the photo again.  
"She's missing," Liv said shortly.  
"And who told you she stopped by my place?" Anton said glaring at her.  
"A roommate," Liv gave up.

Anton held her eyes for a few moments but then shook his head before he had another taste of his drink and then started spinning a little on his chair back and forth. There was something obnoxious about him that rubbed Liv the wrong way. He acted like a stubborn brat refusing to look at the picture and now playing bully like he owned the place, which he did but still.

"Her name is Phoebe, ring a bell?" Liv tried but Anton ignored her question. Liv shot a glance over her shoulder at Andrew who was back leaning against the door.

"We know she worked here if only for a night," Liv said holding Andrew's eyes, "You say you handle the girls…"

Andrew didn't say anything and finally diverted his eyes over towards Anton. Liv caught their brief glance exchange.

"Sorry sergeant but we can't be of any help…" Anton said with a smug faint smile across his face as he pushed the photo back towards her.  
"Look, we can be back here," Liv said sitting up a little straighter, her voice slightly annoyed, "close this place down for an extended period of time as we talk to all your girls about this girl," she put her finger down on the photo, "we'll search this place, surely find something that will cause trouble for you…"

Liv didn't like to stoop to threats but she was desperate for something, and yes perhaps a little fed up with this prick.

"Go ahead sergeant," Anton just smiled though. He tossed out his hands again as he leaned back in his chair.  
"We have nothing to hide here, we've passed every single inspection, no drugs, no black market goods behind the bar, no exchange of sexual favors, no illegals, no under-aged girls. Cleared. Exonerated. We run a legit business here," Anton said flippant.

"If you're hiding anything…" Liv said, letting the words hang in the air for a bit. Anton finally just shook his head slightly not really selling the innocent look but doing his best.

**Back in the car** Liv let out her frustration by growling slightly as she gripped the wheel in front of her hard. Nick watched her as she stared blankly out through the front window, trying to get a grip on her emotions that were a little all over the place at the moment.

"You think he's lying?" Nick finally asked, not able to sit idle by.  
"I don't know," Liv whispered as she pulled her hand through her hair. She took a deep breath before she shot Nick a glance.

"Smug right?" she asked wanting to know if he'd gotten the same impression. The look on Nick's face and the chuckle that escaped his lips told her she wasn't alone with the feeling and it gave her some comfort. She eased back in her seat a little as some tension left her body.

"I don't think pressuring him will work," Nick said, "maybe Andrew though?"

Liv thought about it for a brief moment but then shook her head.

"But he handles the girls," Nick withheld, "Anton might not even be aware that Phoebe was in there."  
"Does he strike you as a guy that's not aware of everything that goes on in there?" Liv said raising her eyebrow at him.  
"I don't know, _we_ can't know," Nick said, "Phoebe _worked_ there."  
"That's what she told her friends, we actually don't know that either," Liv countered.

Nick was a little shocked, Liv usually didn't doubt anyone that easily or willingly.

"You saying that cause you don't want Anton to be involved in this case?" he asked her point blank. She avoided his eyes trying to figure out if he was on to something.

"Maybe," she finally sighed slumping back in her seat even more.  
"We have to make sure," Nick said when she remained quiet. Liv swallowed and made another attempt to clear her head from all the worries and concern that was occupying her right now.

"Okay, tomorrow you and Keith follow up," Liv said turning to Nick, "Dig a little on Andrew as well. See if we can find someone on the inside that will talk to us." Nick had been nodding while she talked but he had one question.

"What about Amanda's meeting with this supposedly reporter?"

Liv held his eyes for a bit.

"I'll take that with Fin, you and Keith focus on Phoebe and clearing Anton from this investigation."

**Amanda had set up **the meeting with the reporter at noon that following day. Just as Liv had instructed her she'd set it up at a public place, a coffee shop in a nearby park. They would be able to have surveillance on her and the trees covered any potential threats from above. She would be wired and able to communicate with them but under no circumstances would she go anywhere with him. The moment he showed up they would bust in. Liv made sure Amanda knew she would not have to be alone with him for long. Liv said it more than once as Amanda seemed nervous.

Amanda _was_ nervous. She knew it was impossible but she pictured Simon coming to meet her at the park and whatever she tried telling herself that mental image didn't go away. She didn't get why Nick and Keith wouldn't tag along for the bust either. Keith loved that stuff and Nick, well she had just figured he would want to be there to make sure she was safe. She also felt a little guilty for wanting them to be there for her when there was a 16 year old girl missing.

They were acting a little sneaky though, Amanda had caught Nick closing down a window on his computer as he spotted her emerging from the bunks and Keith had been throwing her suspicious looks all morning. _Maybe she just imagined though? Maybe it was just these damn nerves? Why did she have to work herself up this much?_

"You ready?" Liv said behind her and made Amanda jump slightly.  
"Yes. Y-yeah. Sure," Amanda said trying to cover up the fact Liv had caught her by surprise. She did a poor job though, only made it worse by stammering and it was evident on Liv's face that she was concerned.

"I'm ready, let's do this," Amanda said before whatever Liv had planned to say came out of her opened mouth. Amanda shot her a smile and then headed for the gate. Fin had been just a couple of steps behind Liv and seen Amanda flinch as Liv startled her. He exchanged a glance with Liv before they both hurried after Amanda.

The plan was that she would drive away from the station on her own in case Gabriel was watching her. Liv and Fin would take a plain car from the back lot and tail her to the park. They already had people in and around the park. They had five on foot either already in the park or ready to head in the minute Amanda arrived. They had another plain car just outside the park and a van that had tapped in to the park's surveillance and would have vision of Amanda in the park. Everything seemed covered and thought through well but with one of their own in the hot seat, and a possible lunatic approaching, not everything felt safe.

Liv was driving, thinking through every potential scenario they could face, all while listening in on Fin who was talking to Amanda through her wire. He was doing his best to keep Amanda entertained and her mind at ease. Liv wasn't sure what they were talking about but there was something about the new episode topping the Houdini hangman trick? And something about Amanda being Bear's dream date, or was it the other way around?

Liv had figured out it was a TV show they were discussing but not one she'd ever seen but she started to think she'd missed something entertaining as Amanda retorted to something Fin said with blubbering something that hardly sounded like English but that Fin seemed to get as he chuckled heartfelt.

There was only a short drive to the park and Amanda let them know she was parked and ready to head out. She had about ten minutes to spare. Fin dropped Liv off by the van and then drove off to his assigned position on the south side of the park. As he jumped out of his car he heard Amanda order a coffee from the stand and he hurried up his steps so he could get a visual on her. He had a newspaper with him and sat down on a bench where he had a good look on Amanda at a table by the coffee shop that was more a stand.

He could tell she did her best to sit still but she couldn't keep her eyes from darting all over the place to whatever movement her perception caught wind of. There were quite a lot of people out walking, supposedly on their lunch break and mostly passing through. There were one or two dog walkers out and a woman from a dog nursery walked by Fin with, he counted, twelve dogs strapped to the belt around her waist. _Crazy, but the dogs were cute_.

He shook his head a little and went back to watching Amanda over the rim of his paper. A couple had taken the table next to her and got a little in his line of sight. The other two tables were also occupied by two other sets of couples. Fin could hear someone talking through Amanda's mic and tried to figure out who of the other guests had such a screechy voice. As one of the couples stood up and walked away and the voice decreased he got his answer.

It was well more than ten past now. Either Gabriel was late, wasn't coming or he was in the park already but wanted to make sure she was alone. Fin suspected the latter option, this creep was sneaky. Every now and then he heard someone report a suspicious person walking in to the park. By suspicious they meant any man walking in to the park by himself but they couldn't let down the guard for anyone. Even though Amanda had talked to this Gabriel and figured he was male, and possible a younger male, they couldn't trust this person wasn't using a voice scrambler.

Minutes passed and Amanda got evidently more and more restless. She had finished her coffee way too quickly and now she needed a bathroom really bad. Or maybe not. She wasn't sure. Every now and then Liv spoke through her ear piece. It was mostly just short, reassuring messages that she was doing good, that they had eyes on her and that she was safe. _Safe?_

Here she was in the middle of a park. In plain view of ordinary people as well as under guard by plenty of New York's finest but safe? _No she didn't feel safe at all. A tree could fall. The coffee stand could blow up. That man at the table next to her could be a psychopathic killer and take that chair and smack her to death for all she knew. And at any moment Simon could show up and she was absolutely certain just seeing him could kill her right here and now._

"Amanda?"

Amanda was startled by a young woman standing in front of her, Amanda hadn't seen her walk up even though she must've come straight for her.

"Are you Amanda?" the young woman asked again when Amanda just looked at her with fearful eyes. Amanda managed to nod but then pushed herself backwards against the back of her chair as the woman dug for something in her pocket. _It could be a gun. She could die right now. _

The woman got a folded note up out of her pocket though and held it out for Amanda to take.

"I was told to give you this," the woman said a bit sheepishly. The moment Amanda took it the woman turned and quickly picked up her steps towards one of the exits.

Everyone in the park as well as Liv out in the van had seen the woman stopping at the coffee stand, how she looked around at the few tables and then headed straight for Amanda. Liv was telling everyone to stay back, keep their positions. She couldn't hold back the concern though that the woman might have a gun in her pocket but they were all lucky it wasn't cause there was no way they would've gotten to Amanda in time had it been a lethal weapon.

Fin asked if he should stop the woman who passed not far away from him but Liv told another detective to follow her and told the detectives in the plain car to drive around. Her orders were for them to grab her a block or so away from the park but under no circumstances could they lose her so if that was a risk then they should grab her the moment she stepped out of the park.

Meanwhile Amanda had unfolded the note and she read the words scribbled on it silently to herself before she looked up and scanned the park for anyone watching her. She couldn't spot anyone but still covered her mouth with a hand as she looked down at the note again.

"He wants me to meet him at the south gate," she said quietly and waited for Liv to get back to her. She knew she had been ordered to stay put but she really hoped Liv would let her go. She needed them to catch this guy. She just couldn't live like this.

Liv stayed quiet for a while though but it was only to redirect two detectives out of the park and head around to the south gate. She told Fin to get up and slowly make his way towards the gate he'd just come from, he would have to take it slowly though since she wanted Amanda to pass him before he got there. Then Liv got back to Amanda and told her she could go but, and for the third time in a short amount of time Liv heard her use the words 'under no circumstances', that she could not go any further than the gate.

Amanda got up, made sure the note got placed in her pocket securely hoping it would give them something in case he wouldn't be at the south gate either, and then headed over there on wobbly but rapid legs. She saw Fin up ahead, dragging his feet a little more than usual and she figured she was meant to pass him so she did. She could see the gate up ahead and she could see a few people but they seemed to be looking at something to the side. That something was covered by the bushes that flanked the gate though but as Amanda got closer she could see the street performer that held their attention.

She recognized the song he was singing and it freaked her out a little once she placed it. _What was the odds she'd hear this song in New York for the first time at this very moment?_ She'd heard Kim hum that song for an entire summer back in… was it ´99? _Let me let go, baby. Let me let go. If this is for the best why are you still in my heart? Are you still in my soul? Let me let go._

She tried to literally shake the humming in her head out. Tore her eyes of the young man with the guitar and instead looked the other way hoping someone else would be there. _This had to end_. Some people were passing further out on the sidewalk and cars kept passing. The noise of the city rushed over her and she felt a little overwhelmed. Okay very overwhelmed. _What was she supposed to do now? Just wait? Wait for what? _

"Just stay put, don't go any further," she heard Liv command her through the ear piece and Amanda tried to just stand still and breathe for a while but it got tedious quickly. Fin had passed her and walked over to the street performer just to have a reason to stay put.

Amanda wiped her sweaty hands against her jeans and then pushed her hands down her back pockets but changed her mind as she realized she might have to defend herself and pulled them right back up. She ended up folding her arms in front of her but then that felt wrong too and she tried to just let her arms hang down to her sides. She started tapping her fingers against her thigh but then dug up the note again. She read it again. It did say the south gate. She looked up to make sure this was really the south gate.

She felt her phone buzz and put the note back in her pocket and got her phone out instead. She could tell the text was from an unknown number even before she unlocked her phone and she tried to focus on just breathing as she managed to get the numbers wrong and had to start over to unlock her phone.

"He wants me to cross the street, to…" Amanda started, forgetting to cover her mouth.  
"No," Liv interrupted her, "No, that's enough. You do not go further than this."  
"But I have to…" Amanda breathed strained, feeling a little lightheaded.

She took a step sideways and found herself face to face with a young who gave her a wide smile. She wasn't sure how she managed to lose her footing but she did and the man grabbed her by the waist. She wasn't sure if it was the touch, the proximity or the fact she couldn't get any air but Amanda's body went entirely numb and she fell and would've hit the ground hard if it wasn't for the young man folding her in to his body.

"Hey," Fin shouted as he rushed towards Amanda, "Hands off her."

Another two detectives moved in too and all three of them reached the commotion as the man scrambled backwards away from Amanda on the ground and somehow managed to put his hands in the air at the same time. Fin roughly put his knee on the man and pushed him to the ground even though he didn't seem to be a threat to anyone.

Fin's shouting had gained the attention of the crowd by the street performer too and suddenly the guy with the guitar got up and took flight.

"Take him," Fin shouted as he noticed everyone's attention turning to the fleeing man. Another plain clothed detective coming out of the park took off running after the guy and tackled him to the ground once he caught up to him.

"Who are you?" Fin shouted in the ear of the guy underneath him.  
"Who the fuck are you? _Gabriel_?" Fin kept shouting as the guy was staying silent. When he flipped the guy over slightly though and got a look on his face he looked more scared than anything and Fin's face eased a little. It was hard keeping the feeling of wanting to rip the guys face off when he looked this pitiful.

"What do you want with her?" Fin asked, anger still in his voice.  
"I don't know, I just… I just wanted her wallet man…" the young man stammered.

Fin looked slightly peeved and put a little extra umphf in his knee as he used the guy as leverage to get back up.

"Cuff him," Fin hissed at the other detectives and turned his attention towards Amanda. She was still on the ground but now sitting up, looking like she was still trying to get a grip on her breathing.

"You okay?" he asked hunching down by her side while putting a broad hand on her shoulder. She nodded but he didn't buy that answer. She shrugged his hand off seeming a little annoyed by his concern.

The van screeched to a halt out by the curb and Liv jumped out right after they'd come to a complete stop. She headed straight for Amanda and Fin and got down on Amanda's other side. She repeated Fin's previous question and got the same nod but just as Fin she didn't fully buy it. Amanda looked far from okay.

"What happened?" Liv asked looking from Amanda over on the guy that was getting pulled up on his feet wearing handcuffs and then over to Fin. Over Fin's shoulder she spotted another guy getting lead over in handcuffs, the detective holding on to his arm also carrying a smashed guitar in his free hand.

"I don't think it's him," Fin said and brought her attention back on him. He shook his head when she gave him a disgruntled look.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled making both of them look at her. She looked very embarrassed.  
"Hey, it's not your fault," Liv said and cupped her cheek gently. She quickly removed her hand though sensing it only made Amanda feel even more humiliated.

"Let's get you off the ground," Fin said and Liv helped out to grab Amanda's other arm to get her on her feet. She swayed slightly, ended up leaning against Liv and was visually uncomfortable by her fragility when she finally was able to stand up by herself.

"So he's…" Liv started but wasn't sure how to finish the sentence as they watched the guys getting lead over to the curb to be placed in a car.  
"I would guess a pickpocket," Fin shrugged, "Have no idea why that other guy ran but I figured it was best to stop him too."

Liv nodded. She'd put her hands on her hips and couldn't help but feel very disappointed.

"Damn," she mumbled but regretted it as she saw Amanda take another step away from them. She was about to say something to her when the tech guy that had been in the van with Liv during the operation jumped out and called for her attention.

"TARU got a hit on the phone that just texted her," he told them, "they traced it down a few blocks and it just came to a halt."  
"Let's go," Liv said and made sure both Fin and Amanda came along.

The driver of the van took off when everyone was seated. The tech guy had gotten the information from TARU on his computer and he shouted directions at the driver. Once at the spot where the signal had stopped they all jumped out, the tech guy with the laptop in his hands.

"It's supposed to be right here," he said a bit bewildered as they looked around and scanned everyone passing. Amanda stayed by the van as Liv and Fin started searching the street, realizing the perp must've tossed the phone. They were right by a bus stand and Fin went over to check the trash can right next to it.

"I think I got it," he said as he got a glove out of his pocket and then used it to pull up a disposable cellphone from the bin.  
"That's it," the tech guy said as he approached and Liv and Fin didn't have any reasons to doubt him. Liv helped the tech guy open up an evidence bag he pulled out of his pocket and Fin dropped the phone in it.

"It should give us something," Liv said and was able to smile encouraging as they walked back to Amanda.

Amanda was silent on the way back to the station. Nick and Keith were in the squad room as they got back. Amanda just passed them and headed straight for the back, she needed the bathroom to perhaps throw up. Nick looked concerned when he couldn't catch her gaze and turned to Liv. He looked disappointed as she shook her head.

"He tried to lure her out of the park, we didn't catch him," Liv let them know.  
"Damn," Keith breathed as he sat back down behind his desk. Liv nodded as she pulled a deep sigh.

"We got the girl that handed her the note where to meet him though," she said once she let the air go, "she might have something for us. And we caught a pickpocket or something, who knows? Maybe he saw something too?"

"Let me talk to him," Nick said eagerly. Liv shook her head though.  
"No, we'll take it," she said cocking her head at Fin. Nick looked disappointed again.

"What you got on Anton?" Liv asked him though and he straighten his back a little. Instinctively he turned to make sure Amanda wasn't in sight.  
"We don't have much more on Anton but Andrew…" Nick started.

Keith had gotten back up on his feet and came around their desks to be a part of the briefing.

"He has a record," Nick said seriously, "he's been set up with some good lawyers though so he's managed to wiggle himself out of some real messes."  
"What's the charges?" Liv asked curiously. Keith cleared his throat to get himself in to the conversation and they all turned to him.

"He's pleaded out of rape charges, attempted rape charges. Spent a few months locked up for assaults both in '01 and '04," Keith told them with slight excitement.  
"On women?" Liv had to ask. Keith shook his head and told her;  
"Both on men, suspected gang brawls that got out of hand. Anton was questioned on both of them but cleared. Anton was questioned in the many attempted rape charges too."

"So Andrew is covering for Anton?" Liv said with a smug grin spreading over her face. She knew she was jumping a whole lot ahead but it was just the image she had of a son of Gordon Goodwin.

"That's what we're thinking," Nick said, "Anton is mentioned in almost every charge but cleared. And in many of the cases the victims have backed out, withdrew their claims."  
"So paying them off as well as being a coward," Liv mumbled as her mind wandered a little. She couldn't wait to bust this creep. But then she remembered Amanda. This wasn't their case. Their only job was to find Phoebe and Anton might not have anything to do with her disappearance. It would be better if he didn't.

"We also got in touch with Vice," Nick said and dragged her out of her thoughts, "and the names Jason and Marion are well-known, comes up in a lot of cases of missing teens. Marion might be a groomer."

Nick went on to tell them what little they had on Jason and Marion but at least it was something. And it gave them a hint on what might have happened to Phoebe.

"What do you want to do?" Liv asked Nick once he went quiet.  
"I want to take Andrew in, question him without Anton present," Nick said and even though Liv didn't seem to object he added; "It might not lead anywhere but we have to try."  
"We want to go back to the club as well," Keith said, "talk to some of the girls, flash Phoebe's photo around."  
"Hold off on that," Liv said quickly though, "focus on Andrew for now. If we can clear them it would… suit us better."

Nick nodded in agreement while Keith looked a little skeptical. Liv turned to Fin and asked if he was ready to talk to the woman and the men they'd brought in from the park. He asked for a minute, just wanted to check on his partner. Liv didn't have a problem with that.

A few hours later they had cleared the guys from the park, they were just two doofuses in cahoots trying to rob people. Guy with guitar kept them entertained as the other one picked their pockets. The guy had seen Amanda looking preoccupied, thought her to be a perfect target and just went in for whatever he could get a hold of. He claimed she had just fallen in to his arms, that he hadn't even touched her when she just crumbled.

They handed the guys over to the precinct hoping they would be charged with something else than being stupid. The young woman had met the guy who might be the one targeting Amanda. He'd worn a hood, baggy clothes and sunglasses though so she really didn't have much of a description of him. He might have had brown hair but it might have been black as well.

She was a bit of a drifter, used to beg for money on the north corner of the park and he had approached her earlier that day. He had given her twenty bucks to deliver the note at twenty past and then promised to be back with another twenty tomorrow if she did what was asked of her. He had told her the note was for his girlfriend and she'd looked at it and just figured it might have been a bit of roleplaying or something. That he wanted to surprise her.

He had described Amanda perfectly, even what she was wearing. When pressured a little further she did admit she'd found it odd that the blonde would go for a guy like that. He seemed, well just a bit tricky perhaps. He'd talked funny which after she'd tried to explain it Liv and Fin read as he's speech was a little arrhythmic, he'd sounded fancy one word but then stammered at the next. Yes he did perhaps give out a strange vibe and yes maybe she should've thought before she accepted the deal to deliver the note.

She agreed to sit down with a sketch artist and she did have a phone they could reach her on in case they needed to talk to her again. Liv and Fin were troubled that the guy knew what Amanda was wearing, must mean he had eyes on her earlier that day which was really troubling and nothing they enjoyed having to inform Amanda on. She'd watched the interrogation though and had come to the same conclusion already.

Liv told Amanda and Fin to head home. They had a thumb print from the phone which didn't get a hit in their system but it was something. They found other texts on the phone sent to Amanda so they knew that the reporter was Gabriel. Again that was something. Amanda was too wired to head home yet though and the last thing she wanted was special treatment.

A while later Nick and Keith couldn't really hide their excitement as they rushed in and headed straight for Liv's office. TARU had found images of Phoebe going in to Chou-Chou not one but two nights in a row. Anton and Andrew were both seen entering the club both those nights so they knew they were lying now.

"We have to arrest them, or raid the place," Keith said getting a bit riled up as Liv kept looking reluctant.  
"Phoebe could be in there, we can't sit…" Keith started but went silent as he followed Liv's eyes towards the door and caught sight of Amanda taking a step inside with Fin right behind her.

"What's going on?" Amanda asked a little confused. Fin watched Liv over Amanda's shoulder with a grim look over his face. They had heard the agitated voices as someone had forgotten to close the door when they headed in to their sergeant's office and of course Amanda had gotten nosey.

"Is it about the missing girl case?" Amanda guessed taking another step inside, Fin lingering by the door nervous about the outcome of this.

She turned to Nick as Liv wasn't giving her any answers.

"Is that what you've been working on today?"

She could just sense something was off and she didn't like it. Nick looked close to petrified and finally he couldn't hold her eyes and turned to Liv.

"Yes that's what they've been working on and we have a lead," Liv explained trying to choose her words carefully in the situation they found themselves in.  
"What lead?" Amanda inquired.

Liv threw Nick a look and he got the hint immediately. He gestured to Keith who followed him out. Amanda threw long worried looks after them as they headed out of the office. She caught Fin's eyes as he remained over by the door but she couldn't read anything in them.

"What's going on?" Amanda asked getting increasingly anxious.  
"You remember the club Phoebe's friend told us she might be working at?" Liv asked and Amanda felt herself nodding even though she had no control of herself right now. Everything felt numb.

"Well we went to see the owner last night," Liv said clutching her hands and staring down at her desk as she tried to find words to ease these news as delicately as possible.

"You…" Amanda whispered. Liv looked back up.  
"Nick and I went to see the owner and it turns out he lied to us. Nick and Keith has found evidence that Phoebe were at the club after all and there are a few people we need to talk to at the club."

"So…?" Amanda knew there had to be more to this.  
"So…" Liv started, shot Fin a glance that Amanda didn't miss and then took a deep breath before she continued, "the owner is someone you have at least heard off before."

Liv picked up a file from her desk and handed it to Amanda. She thought she picked up a slight trembling in Amanda's hand as she accepted it from Liv. Amanda opened up the file quickly but then was left scanning the paper in front of her for a while. Her eyes went back and forth over the paper only to get stuck on a certain name. Amanda stayed planted, not saying anything and Liv had time to throw Fin another glance.

"The owner… it's," Liv started but got interrupted by Amanda.  
"I know who it is," Amanda said with a surprisingly strong and steady voice but she still didn't look up. Fin finally took a step forward and ended up by Amanda's side. Then Amanda finally looked up and she immediately turned to him.

"You knew," she said more as a statement than a question. Fin felt cold inside.  
"I told him not to tell you," Liv cut in sensing the tension between them, "I was the one who told everyone to keep quiet."

Amanda looked Liv's way and the question was written all over her face.

"I was hoping we could clear him, that we wouldn't have to… deal with him."

Amanda kept looking at her without saying anything and Liv started to squirm slightly.

"We might have to raid the club but you don't have to be there…" Liv said sitting up a little straighter.  
"Why not?" Amanda asked, "I want to be there."  
"Are you sure? You don't have to…" Liv answered.  
"I have to, I mean if you're going I _should_ be there," Amanda said closing the file in her hands and put it down on the desk.

She wanted to get as far away from that name as possible right now, it took every fiber in her body to just keep herself together right now. _No one could see her crack. She wouldn't crack._

Liv watched her intensely as she leaned back a little in her chair.

"If you want to be there I will not stop you Amanda but I don't want you to feel like you have to, there are a lot of things going on with this stalker of yours and I don't want you to take on too much. Facing… Gordon's son right now might be too much," Liv tried saying without sounding condescending. She was just concerned.

"It's not," Amanda said shaking her head and trying to pull her shoulders back in case she'd slumped a little.  
"I'm fine, it's okay. I want to pull my weight. I want to do this," she said quickly but then pursed her lips shut to keep from rambling which she knew was a dead giveaway to her being nervous.

"I'm fine," Amanda repeated though when she saw Liv's eyes sliding over towards Fin after a few long seconds. Liv watched her for a while longer.

"Okay," she said then to Fin's dismay, "I'm going to call Barba, see what we can do to get permission to move in tonight. The sooner the better for Phoebe's sake. You should probably get yourselves ready."

Amanda gave her a quick nod and then started to move backwards. She avoided Fin's look as they both made it towards the door side by side. He let her exit before him but she turned slightly towards him once they were out of Liv's office and out of her hearing range.

"You should've told me," she hissed with a low voice and refused to meet his eyes as she made her way over to her desk. Both Nick and Keith were watching them but hadn't picked up what she said.

"What…" Nick started as Fin got left standing by his desk watching Amanda as she sat down still not giving him a single look.  
"We're raiding the club tonight," Fin let Nick know as he sat down with a heavy sigh. _This had ended just as poorly as he had feared. _

**A few hours later, right **as the business had started picking up at the strip club owned by Anton Golov a large group from several law enforcement branches entered from the main entrance with Liv and her squad at the very forefront. As some girls tried to exit through the back they were rounded up by the police watching the other exits. It didn't take long until Anton made an appearance in the main area escorted by a detective who had found him trying to leave through the back with some of the girls.

He shook his head at Liv as soon as he spotted her and the smug grin spread over his face. They had turned off the music and lit up the place, customers rounded up to one side of the room and girls and other workers in the club on the other side. Police were still leading out a few people from the back rooms, some of the men wrapping feminine robs around their half-dressed bodies.

"You could've just told us the truth and avoided all of this," Liv said as Anton just kept looking at her with that smug grin.  
"And missed all this fun?" Anton said gesturing out towards the lit up club. Nick huffed and shook his head. He'd stayed by Liv's side as the rest of the squad went on further inside the club.

"Fun?" Liv questioned, "It's costing you money Anton, and here I thought you were a business man."

Anton's grin lessen some. Keith came out from behind the bar with Andrew in cuffs. Not just the cuffs but the fact Keith looked a little roughed up told them Andrew hadn't given up willingly. Fin came out right behind them and his eyes immediately went to search for Amanda as he spotted Anton at the very center hashing something out with Liv. He'd left her side backstage rounding up strippers in the dressing rooms as they'd heard the commotion between Keith and Andrew.

He felt relieved to see her. She was over on the side of the rooms with the strippers. She seemed to sit one of them down on a chair when she laid eyes on Anton. He watched nervously as she tensed up and then took a few steps closer to Anton. Fin let Keith deal with Andrew and pushed by them so he could get closer to Amanda.

"I'm not saying anything without a lawyer," Anton said less entertained as Liv again has shown him Phoebe's photo and asked him if he wanted to change his story about seeing her in the club.

"Well if that's how you want to play it then I don't have any other choice then to book you for obstruction of justice," Liv said and was about to bring her cuffs out as she noticed Amanda approaching from Anton's right side. Anton followed her shifting eyes and his eyes widen slightly when he caught sight of Amanda.

"Well hello there," he said smugly as he eyed her from top to toe.  
"Shut the fuck up," Fin hissed as he stepped up on Anton's other side. Anton got a little startled by the sudden hostility and told Fin to calm down as he roughly twisted his arm behind him.

"I'm coming willingly," Anton tried but Fin was determined to cuff him and did so.  
"What's your problem?" Anton asked angrily as his hands were cuffed behind his back but Fin still kept knocking him around.  
"You," Fin said coldly.  
"If a hair on my head gets harmed I'll sue your asses," Anton hissed at Liv as Fin brought him by her.  
"Good luck with that," Liv answered not even looking at Anton. Instead her eyes went over to Amanda who seemed to be unable to let Anton go with her eyes until he was out of sight. The moment she could no longer see Anton she met Liv's eyes briefly but turned around quickly and walked back towards the strippers.

"Okay, let's go through this place thoroughly," Liv said loudly to get everyone moving again.

They searched the entire place but came up empty handed. They found some drugs but all for personal use in either the girl's personal belongings or on the customers. Some of the strippers as well as waitresses were foreigners, all from East European countries, but had their papers in order. No one was under age and most importantly no sign of Phoebe.

They let both Anton and Andrew sweat it out in separate holding cells while they questioned everyone else. The customers were processed and released rather quickly. Only a few of them were regular customers and they swore to have never seen Phoebe in there and all they worried about was either that their wives or their bosses would find out about their club visit.

Anton apparently had loyal employees, or at least tightly wrapped, no one spoke. A few of the girls claimed they didn't speak the language and it took them the entire night to find translators. Liv wasn't sure if it was out of fear or loyalty no one had anything bad to say about Anton. Some of the girls looked as though they recognized Phoebe once shown the photo but they all denied ever seeing the girl before.

Well after midnight Liv gave orders to bring up Andrew and Anton and place them in interrogations room. She told Nick she wanted him and Fin to take Andrew and she would take Anton with Keith. Amanda was still busy talking to strippers, Liv had asked her to be in charge of them and make sure everyone was properly identified before released. She was in-between two interviews though and heard Nick tell a uniform to bring Anton up in a few minutes and what interrogation room to put him in. He was going down for Andrew and it was important they were held apart for now.

The uniform hung back in the squad room as Nick headed out. Amanda followed Nick with her eyes and kept staring at the corner he disappeared around. She couldn't really form any thoughts in her mind and she wasn't really sure what she was doing but still found herself getting up and walking over to the uniform.

"Hey," she said to call for his attention and she gave him a smile once he turned to face her. She couldn't remember ever talking to this particular cop but right now she couldn't remember much at all.

"I'm going to take care of the perp okay?" she said trying to sound like she knew what she was doing. She managed to keep the smile over her face and hoped to dupe him.

"I got him okay?" she said once the cop looked as though he was about to say something.  
"Could you check the immigration status for these ladies meanwhile?" she said to give him something else to do and she handed him the file with the stripper's names. She had already checked their status and she felt a little mean to deceive him. He looked at the file with a slight crease between his eyes but then a smile broke over his face and he took the file with a 'sure'.

"Thanks," she said and touched his arm as he passed her to get going on his new task.

She watched him walk away and swallowed hard as something cold grabbed a hold of her entire body. She realized what she'd just done. She'd lied, gone against orders and all that just to face Anton Golov. _Why?_ She couldn't answer her own question and she questioned her own sanity at this point. She wiped her sweaty palms against her pants and cleared her throat a little before she finally took a step towards the gate. She worried she would run in to Nick on the way down but took the stairs and managed to stay clear of him. Anton's right hand man was held in their usual holdings and Anton had been placed on the sublevel holdings so once she passed the ground floor all thoughts of Nick went away. She took a deep breath outside the holding area but didn't dare to stick around for too long as she was afraid she wouldn't be able to go through with it. _But why go through with it really? What was she thinking? _She shrugged the nerves off best she could and stepped through the door.

"Anton Golov?" she told the guard at holding.  
"In four, down to your left," he said, "you need cuffs?"

She nodded and the guard handed her a pair of cuffs.

"Give me a holler when you're done," he said and again she only managed to nod as an answer.

Her throat felt closed up and it didn't get any better as she approached the cell. The numbers were clearly written with large digits on the wall opposite the cells. She counted down in her head. 1… 2… 3…, the number 4 made her hesitate slightly but there was no going back now. She had feared he would be right by the bars, or in another position that would give him immediate view of her. But he was lying down on the bunk, an arm covering his eyes probably to block out the bright light as he seemed to be resting. She was left standing there for a few moments, she wasn't even sure if she was breathing or not.

She heard the guard drop something against his desk further down the corridor and when she looked down she caught him peeking out her way. She immediately turned her head back around and tried straightening up a little. She used the cuffs against the bars and Anton stirred by the metallic sound. He removed the arm from his face and peered her way. He seemed to have trouble seeing her properly as he blinked a few times but it got evident on his face when he did. A mischievous smile spread across his face as he swung his legs over the bunk to sit up and she had a hard time dealing with the turmoil going on inside of her. _Why was she attracted to that smile? And those intrusive eyes? _

"I'm taking you upstairs for questioning," Amanda managed to say, "could you step forward… please?"

She immediately regretted adding the please, surely he would think that was weak. He watched her for a second but then stood up and Amanda forced herself to stay planted as she could feel how her feet wanted to take at least one step back. She'd seen nothing of his father in the way he looked or presented himself, he came across way more arrogant than Gordon had ever come across, but he did have his father's eyes and it was the only thing Amanda could look at right now. Anton stared her straight on too which made the moment very intense for her.

"Your hands?" she asked once he stopped right inside the bars and didn't do anything but stare at her. He put his hands through the bars, one on each side of one bar and he started chuckle as he realized his mistake.

"Sorry," he smiled and Amanda felt her cheeks blush slightly as she smiled too. He pulled his sleeves up slightly before he put his hands back out as to help her out. She managed to avoid touching him until she closed the last cuff and he moved his hand slightly so the back of their hands touched. She managed to silence a gasp as she felt the heat of his hand against her skin. _Or maybe he was cold and she was the one that was warm?_ She wasn't sure and forgot what she had been thinking as she looked up only to stare straight in to his eyes again.

She took a slight step back pulling her sleeves down a little. She realized she hadn't even thought about the risk he could see her scars but she hoped her long sleeves had prevented him from seeing them. He was looking at her strangely though and she cleared her throat.

"Could you step back please," she asked him and he did without hesitation, pulling his hands inside the cell. Amanda turned her head down towards the guard, he was watching her and she wondered if he'd kept his eyes on her the whole time.

"Go… go ahead," she asked hating the fact she'd stumbled on her words. He buzzed the gate open and Amanda only heard the sound of the cell opening up as she couldn't turn her head back just yet. She waited a few seconds too long and met Anton's raised eyebrows when she finally did. That mischievous smile spread over his face again. She wasn't really sure what that smile was about but smiled back as she reached for the bars to pull the cell door fully open.

"If you come with me," she close to whispered but it was apparently loud enough as he took a careful step outside. She'd stepped backwards automatically as he stepped out which made him a little hesitant. She gestured with her head for him to keep going. He was still hesitant though and she finally grabbed him by the arm to get him to move with her. She usually held on to the suspect like that but right now it felt very unfamiliar and she had to fight the urge to pinch him or squeeze his arm really hard. She suddenly wanted to harm him for forcing her to make contact with him but she knew she couldn't do that. She tried to give the guard a smile as they passed him.

Amanda held Anton half a step in front of herself and shied her eyes down every time she felt him about to glance back at her. He had a few inches on her and he was well built, she could see it as well as feel it. If he wanted he could overpower her but that wasn't what was worrying her. She was worried about why that thought excited her.

They of course had to wait for the elevator and Amanda could feel him watching her but she held her head so low she could see her own feet. _She was making a fool of herself. What was he thinking of her?_

"What's your name?" he asked and she almost jumped as she was startled by his voice. She was forced to look up. The elevator made a silent ding and the door slid open.  
"Detective Rollins," she said as she led him inside.

She felt her heart pump hard as she had to lean in front of him to push the button. _Did he just lean in to her or was it just her imagination?_ She felt a pressure against her chest as the doors started closing and it felt as the air was sucked out of the small area as they came fully closed. It seemed like an eternity until the elevator finally started moving.

"Does that come with a first name?" he asked and again made her look at him. He really had his father's eyes and she wanted to hate him desperately but something made her unable to.

"That's all you're getting," she finally managed to breathe and fully expected him to ask her again but instead he seemed to like her answer and turned his eyes forward with a smile on his face. She felt herself blush again and a strange warmth spread inside her core that she couldn't say was all uncomfortable. She used her free hand to brush her hair behind her ear as she tried to get control of her breathing as well as the smile that she didn't seem to be able to wipe away from her face. She managed to collect herself though before the elevator dinged again. They took the first step simultaneously and made their way down the corridor.

Amanda started to fear someone would see her walking in with Anton but again she managed to get through the squad room without anyone notice her. She took him down to the designated interrogation room and asked him to sit down once they had entered it. He did what he was told and then put his hands up so she could lock them to the table, it was evident he'd gone through the procedure before. She removed one cuff and couldn't restrain from coming in contact with his skin. She worried about her scars again but didn't have to as she could feel his eyes was on her face and not on her hands right now. She put the cuff through the hoop and moved his wrist in to the cuff again.

"Not too tight?" she asked.  
"No, just right," he let her know without really making sure. She caught his eyes briefly before she stepped away feeling the heat on her cheeks again.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked but couldn't explain why as it would mean she would have to come back in risking again someone would knew she'd brought Anton upstairs.  
"Some water maybe? I'm a bit thirsty," he said.

She gave him a nod, lingered a little before she finally turned towards the door. She could feel him watching her and she did her best to walk normally which of course made her stiff and feel anything but natural. She hurried back out, over to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle. Liv was suddenly back in her office and Amanda hurried by, spotting Keith in there as well.

Anton was watching her from the moment she stepped back inside. She held the bottle out towards him but the rattling of his cuffs against the metal ring made her realize he wouldn't be able to grab it from her.

"Could you help a fellow out?" he smiled. She twisted the cap off the bottle and put it down on the table before she moved the bottle to his lips. She got almost mesmerized by his lips as the cold liquid passed through them. She felt so warm she feared she was heating up the water just holding on to the bottle. He drank for what felt like an eternity when she suddenly got interrupted by the door opening.

Liv looked a little stunned as she caught Amanda in there. She was about to ask her what she was doing in there but got sight of Anton's smug face and stopped herself. Keith stepped around her to get a better view of what had made his sergeant stop dead in her tracks.

"We're going to start the interrogation now," Liv said as calm as possible. Amanda nodded and put the bottle down on the table.  
"Thanks doll," Anton said.

Amanda shot him a look over her shoulder. She knew the nickname should've probably angered her but it didn't. It angered Liv though, which was probably the intention, and she looked at Anton with spite in her eyes. She still had time to shot Amanda a look as she passed though but Amanda kept her head down and Liv heard the door shut close behind her.

Amanda pulled a few deep breaths trying to keep the overwhelming feelings down. She looked down towards the squad room unsure where she wanted to head and she finally turned the other way and walked over to the bathroom. She hurried in to a stall and locked the door behind her. She was about to sit down on top of the lid but her legs straighten up again before she was fully down.

She put her palms against the stall wall which gave her a full view of how much they were trembling. She closed her hands to fists and put her forehead between them against the wall. She breathed hard, blood pumping against her eardrums. She felt a burning sensation in her core and when her legs couldn't carry her any longer she started to slide down towards the floor. Her knees finally made contact with the floor, the stretch in her legs only adding to the sensation in her lower regions.

She felt an inexplicable need to touch herself and it made her feel embarrassed. _What kind of freak was she? How could this man turn her on? This creep? What was wrong with her?_ She kept her fists against the wall afraid that she wouldn't be able to fight the urge if she removed them. The urge wouldn't ease up though and as she put her forehead back against the wall her fists crashed down on top of her head. She lifted them up again only to let them crash down a little harder against her skull.

"Freak, sicko, harlot, wench, bitch," she whispered and with every word let her fists crash down on top of her head. She kept giving herself every filthy word she could come up with and when she'd run out she repeated the most foul of them. After some time her head started hurting by the beating it was taking and her arms fell down fatigued to the cold tile floor. _She really was the abomination Simon had seen in her. _

Neither Anton nor Andrew would give anything up during the night. Nick and Fin pushed Andrew to slip a few times but then he just went back on his word. From what little they got out of him though they knew he had at one point at least seen Phoebe in the club.

Anton was better at keeping his temper and just let Liv ask her questions, some of them he did answer but most he just left unanswered. Liv was the one not able to keep her temper and she both cursed and slammed her palm in to the table a few times but it only seemed to entertain Anton which of course made her even more annoyed.

Finally Anton asked for his lawyer and Liv couldn't do much else than walk out. Everyone was tired by now and Liv decided it was time to call it a night. She wanted everyone back in a few hours though and Keith decided to just sleep in the bunks, Nick decided to do the same and told Keith he better not snore. Liv couldn't find Amanda anywhere and Fin got a little worried too before they finally got a hold of her detail and learnt she was already at home, they had driven her there about an hour ago.

Liv hadn't told Fin she'd found Amanda in the interrogation room with Anton and she wasn't sure she should either. She decided she at least shouldn't tell him right now. They all needed to catch some sleep and she felt no need to give Fin the same unease as she was having.

Fin got in his car and drove back home. He found the usual lights on in the apartment but the TV was off and he got a sense the place was tucked down for the night. He aimed straight for the bedrooms wanting to check up on her. The door to her room was closed and he contemplated checking his bedroom first, hoping she would be in there but something told him he would find her behind the closed door. He didn't knock, didn't want to risk waking her in case she was already asleep. The lights were on so he had no problem spotting her on the bed, her back to him under the covers.

"Amanda?" he whispered from his spot over by the door. He hoped she would stir but no such luck. She remained completely still. He wanted to walk up to her, to maybe touch her but he didn't want to wake her and finally he stepped back out and shut the door between them.

Amanda opened her eyes back up the moment she heard the door shut, she'd closed them as she heard him entering. She knew he'd left, she could sense he wasn't in the room any longer. She'd even sensed his disappointment as she wouldn't react to him calling her name. With the number of times she'd disappointed him you could start to wonder if maybe she wasn't as sorry about it as she was telling herself. She felt like a constant disappointment to him.

And now to Liv as well. The look on her face as she'd caught her in the interrogation room with Anton. It wasn't a cross look but more of a "who are you" kind of look. She'd seen that one on her mother's face a lot of times. The look that made her feel like a freak of nature, like what she was doing was something so forbidden she didn't deserve to breath the same air as her.

She was so tired, and her head was still pounding even after three Tylenol. She tried closing her eyes but her mother's face popped up in front of her. That look of repulsion with half her face hidden in shadows. Her face hovering in the dark to the point she wasn't even sure it was really there any longer or if it was just mind ghosts in the darkness that draped her entire childhood.

She had to open her eyes back up and just kept staring at a spot down on the wall in front of her. _It was all going to hell. This stalker. Simon. Anton. Disappointment. Failure. She could feel this wasn't going to end well. The darkness that she'd managed to leave behind for a second time was slowly pulling her back in and she feared that this time it would completely consume her. _

**The next day Liv **and Nick sat down with Andrew and his lawyer. Andrew looked a little paler this morning and with the threat of getting charged with assaulting an officer he seemed willing to talk. The lawyer asked for a few minutes alone with his clients but the moment the detectives stepped out the lawyer got on his phone. The lawyer was sneaky, withdrew to a corner, covering his mouth with his hand as he talked to the person on the other line. Andrew was shooting him anxious looks, wrenching his hands on the table.

When Liv and Nick finally sat down opposite them again the lawyer said his client was ready to talk but only if the _petty_ charges would be dropped. Liv didn't make any promises but Andrew still started talking. Phoebe had been in and applied for a job. She'd been a little too green to start on the stage but had been hired on a trial period as a waitress. She'd said she was 18 and she had a license that proved it. On her second night she had spilled a few drinks on some customers and Andrew had only meant to reprimand her but she had for some to him unknown reason blubbered out that she never meant to lie about her age, that she didn't think it was such a big deal.

Liv asked if Anton had been present for this confession but Andrew said he didn't know which they saw as a cheap cop-out. The moment they found out Phoebe was under aged they'd asked her to leave. Liv questioned if they'd really been that nice about it, simply asked her to leave? Andrew looked a little provoked but maintained that's what they had done.

While Andrew was in the talking mode Liv took the chance to ask if Phoebe had been close to anyone of the girls, someone she might have confided in. Andrew simply answered she'd been there too short of a period to really make any friends. The girls could act a little bitchy towards new girls, it was just so they would learn their place in the pecking order though. Of course, Liv answered.

She also took the opportunity to ask about the names Jason and Marion, and whether or not he'd heard of them. Andrew's eyes narrowed a little as though the names were familiar but after a brief glance at his lawyer he shook his head and said he'd never heard their names before. Liv gave him one more chance to answer that truthfully but Andrew again maintained he was telling the truth.

Liv then brought Nick with her to talk to Anton. He'd lawyered up too and seem to be in a strangely cheerful mood for someone who'd slept on a hard bunk in a holding cell. He had that grin across his face the entire time and let his lawyer answer for him whenever he didn't feel like answering. He said Andrew had informed him that Phoebe had worked in his club but he hadn't really been lying just figured it was no use to incriminate himself as it had been such a petty thing. She'd been in an out in a day or two. His lawyer defended Anton when Liv tried to push. He said his client ran a legit business, nothing illegal went down inside his four walls as they themselves could conclude as they'd come up empty during their search.

His lawyer made it sound like an honest attempt to try and keep an otherwise clean business pure from any wrongdoings. Phoebe had come in voluntarily, lied and then got asked to leave the premises as the truth came out. Surely his client couldn't be blamed for a girl lying.

"Your client lied," Nick pointed out.  
"He told a fib when it came to a dishonest young woman," the lawyer tried.  
"He set the investigation of a missing teen back, that's a felony," Liv said though.  
"It was an honest mistake," Anton grinned.  
"There's nothing honest about you or your family," Liv said spitefully. For the first time that day Anton's face dropped.

"You don't talk that way about my family," he said leaning in over the table. His lawyer put a careful arm in front of him to try and get his client to sit back down.  
"That's a sore subject?" Liv questioned, "Something you're hiding perhaps?"  
"My father was a hard working man that provided for his family, he was well respected and a decent man," Anton said angrily. He had leaned back on this chair though.  
"Well respected? Decent? That's not what I happen to know," Liv challenged, "He was brutal, mistreated his girls, raped them… there's nothing decent about a rapist."  
"Shut up bitch," Anton hissed.

"You're trying to provoke my client," the lawyer said.  
"He lied to the police," Nick pointed out yet again.  
"We're going round in circles now," the lawyer said and closed his briefcase, "either you charge my client or I'm taking him out of here. What will it be sergeant?"

The lawyer looked at Liv. She let her eyes slide over at Anton again and cringed at the smug grin that was back over his face.

"What did you do to Phoebe?" Liv asked him straight up. Anton kept staring back at her for a few long moments and she didn't expect an answer.  
"I fired her ass once I learnt she was lying about her age," Anton suddenly said calmly.  
"_You_ fired her?" Liv asked.  
"Andrew did, he works for me so yes I fired her. C'mon sergeant, you're getting tedious now," Anton sighed, "You have a bone to pick with my daddy? Well get in line. It's not like it will ever get picked."  
"Is that it?" the lawyer asked. Liv gritted her teeth but finally looked down on the table as she gathered her papers.

"Well it hasn't been a pleasure," the lawyer sighed as he stood up, "but thank you and good bye."

He gestured for Anton to get up and let his client walk out in front of him. Anton winked at Liv as he passed them and then yawned loudly as they exited the interrogation room.

_Fuck_, Liv thought to herself as she clutched her hands around her file.

"I wish we could hold him on something," Nick grunted by her side.  
"For being a prick?" Liv suggested as she got up on her feet and she smiled at the chuckle she'd managed to evoke.

Keith had been watching the interviews, Fin and Amanda hadn't though. They'd been working on the sketch with the girl that had delivered the note to Amanda in the park yesterday. They'd also gotten footage from the park and while going through it they found a person circling the park a few more times than normal, he was covered by a hood. He looked about 5.11, slender and with a few nervous tics that made him look all more suspicious.

Amanda had spotted Anton coming down the corridor with his lawyer and tried to avoid his gaze that she could feel resting on her. She did her very best to ignore him and the influence he had on her and just kept watching the surveillance tape on her screen.

Liv and Nick emerged just a minute later and Liv shook her head when Fin asked if they'd gotten anything. Liv didn't seem to want to talk about it anymore and asked them to fill her in on their progress instead. Fin showed her the sketch, it was mostly a big hood around an oval face covered by hair and sunglasses. Features looked ordinary, nothing really stood out. Fin showed her the footage from the park and what they believed was the man on the sketch.

"Any texts yesterday?" Liv asked Amanda who had stayed quiet so far. Amanda shook her head.  
"Today?" Liv tried. Amanda looked a little annoyed by the question but it eased as she shook her head again.

Liv didn't dare to say it out loud but she wondered what the lack of texts meant. _Could he have given up? Was he angry? Would he retaliate in a different way? In a more violent way then spraying words on her building?_

"Liv?" Fin asked when she hadn't responded to his previous attempt.  
"Huh?" Liv said turning to Fin.  
"How do you want us to proceed?" he asked and Liv's eyes went back over to Amanda.  
"Fingerprint on the phone gave us nothing," Liv said thinking out loud, "We don't have a number any longer. I'm not sure what we _can_ do."

Amanda turned her eyes down, pretended as though she looked at some papers on her desk but really she just had to look away. Amanda knew that the stalker's silence weren't good and she knew Liv couldn't perform miracles but she had still hoped Liv would come up with something they could do. She just couldn't live with this threat hanging over her, and being forced to have a detail watching her every move outside the station. She hated being watched.

"Maybe we should try setting another trap?" Keith suggested as no one else seemed to have any ideas. Liv, Fin and Nick looked at him.  
"Like bait her somewhere public, like with the bar hopping rapist," he explained as his squad looked a little puzzled.  
"No, it's too dangerous," Liv said before Fin could air his disapproval, "we don't know where this guy's head's at right now."

She looked to Amanda again, worrying a little about the fact she kept her head down.

"I want you to stay inside for now," she said and it made Amanda look up.  
"Please Serg…" she started but Liv raised her hand at her.  
"Inside until we got something to go on," Liv said firmly, "Okay?"

Amanda folded her eyes down again but nodded.

"We should take another go at finding that missing orderly," Nick suggested to break the tension a little. Liv nodded at him.  
"And those other two orderlies with past priors. We should visit Tennant's again too. I want to ask him about those recordings he might have done after all, and I just sense something is up with that troubled son of his."

"Okay, well we don't have much to go on on our missing girl, I've asked Vice to keep extra tabs on Anton and his club for now. While I brief her parents why don't you," Liv was looking at Nick, "take Keith and visit the doctor again? Fin, Amanda, why don't you take the orderlies?"

Liv got nods from Fin, Nick and Keith, all while Amanda kept her head down. Nick had looked at Amanda too and he met Liv's concerned eyes as he passed her to immediately head over to the doctor's place. Liv lingered by Fin and Amanda's desks as Nick and Keith headed out.

"Amanda?" Liv asked and made her look up.  
"You okay?"  
"Just fine," Amanda answered sounding a little sarcastic as she started organizing some papers on her desk.

Liv exchanged a look with Fin and he gave her a slight nod to let Liv knew he would handle it. Liv reluctantly pulled herself away and in to her office to give mr &amp; mrs Clarkson a call about what little they'd learnt about their missing daughter.

"Just don't," Amanda said as she could feel Fin's eyes on her once Liv had disappeared in to her office.  
"Don't what?" he asked.  
"Don't ask me if I'm okay, I'm okay, okay? Just leave it," she started punching the keyboard a little too harshly for someone who was okay but Fin didn't push.  
"I'll take the missing one okay?" he finally said, "You take Maurer and Cacho?"  
"What can I do from here Fin? Can you tell me that?" she pushed herself away from the desk and stomped down the corridor.

Fin watched her go but made no attempt to follow her. He tried to just take a deep breath. He didn't blame her for feeling frustrated but losing their temper right now wouldn't fix the situation they were in.

Nick and Keith were let in to the Tennant's home by the same servant that Nick recognized from his first visit to the luxurious suite. She asked them to wait and then disappeared through a door across the room.

"Wow," Keith said and added a whistle as he looked around.  
"Told you," Nick whispered. Nick had told him about the doctor's lavish quarters as they drove over there.

Sharp heels on the natural stone floor made them turn around and they both saw mrs Tennant coming around the corner. The sound of the heels faded as she crossed the expensive rug which gave Keith a reason to check out the long legs on the doctor's wife.

"Detectives?" Anya Tennant questioned, wondering what they were doing there.  
"Mrs Tennant, sorry to be disturbing you again but we were hoping to talk to your husband again?" Nick explained, "oh sorry this is detective Winters."

Anya just looked Keith up and down and made no attempt to accept his somewhat extended hand.

"Well he's not here," she said instead shifting her eyes towards Nick, "he's at Broadmare today."  
"Okay, yeah well we tried calling him but didn't get an answer," Nick tried to explain.

Anya clutched her hands in front of her a little nervously or perhaps annoyed, Nick couldn't really tell.

"Well he can't very well have his phone on during therapy session now can he?" she said a bit tetchy, "Can I ask you what you want with him again? You can't seriously believe he has anything do to with whatever threats you are investigating?"

"We have to make sure ma'am," Keith chipped in and got a cross look from her.  
"We'll try Broadmare Mrs Tennant," Nick said, "but while we're here, are your son home?"

Anya looked at him a little stunned.

"Ashton?" she questioned and Nick nodded.  
"Why do you ask?"  
"We would just like to ask him a few questions that's all," Nick tried adding a tiny smile but it didn't help.  
"No," she said sharply, "he's a minor and I don't allow you to speak to him. We have rights…"

Nick could tell she was getting agitated and tried raising his hands a little.

"It's just a few questions and I'm sure you don't want us to call all of you down to the station…"

She looked at him intensely for a few moments until her face dropped slightly.

"No, you can't do that. That boy has been through enough…"  
"What has he been through?" Nick immediately inquired.  
"No, I want you to leave, I'm calling our lawyer, this is harassment. This isn't right. I want you to leave now."

Anya crossed her arms in front of her and cocked her head towards the door.

"Get out," she said when they didn't move.  
"Okay," Nick just said calmly as he gestured to Keith that it was time for them to leave.

They were barely out the door when Anya Tennant closed it behind them with a loud bang.

"Testy," Keith mumbled.

Nick wasn't sure what was going on with Mrs Tennant though, she had seemed a little high strung last visit but this time she'd flipped the second her son was mentioned.

"I think we should take a closer look at Ashton Tennant," he said as they stepped in to the elevator.

**As Nick and Keith drove** out to Broadmare psychiatric hospital Amanda had been left behind in the squad room once again. After her little outburst this morning she'd calmed down rather quickly and whispered a 'sorry' as she passed Fin on her way back to her desk. He had of course told her not to worry about it and then they'd done some digging on their orderlies. There had been a sighting of the missing one but since Liv didn't want Amanda to leave the station she had escorted Fin to check up on it.

Thankfully Liv had put Amanda to work but it didn't take long until Liv called in need of some information she'd left on her desk. They were going to swing by the missing girl's parents as well and wouldn't be back for a while.

"Is it the case number you need?" Amanda asked sitting by Liv's desk going through her many files.  
"Aha," Liv said a little distracted as she was talking to Fin at the same time on the other side.  
"Found it," Amanda said relived once the post-it she'd been looking for popped up.

She waited for Liv to fix a pen and paper and while doing that she noticed some discs further up on her desk. She peeked at the label of the top one and saw Broadmare and a date. Just seeing the name Broadmare made her feel a little sick to her stomach and it felt as though her hand cramped a little.

After Simon first had gotten sentenced and placed there she'd drove out there a few times. She had just felt a need to see the place and yes, maybe make sure he couldn't climb a fence. She'd been left sitting out there in the parking lot for hours sometimes, just watching the building and playing with the thought of ways she could torch it to the ground. Not taking in to account all the innocents that would burn with him, it just felt nice thinking about him burning. Getting extinct. Vanished from earth.

She'd let her extracurricular leak to doctor Olivet one session. Olivet hadn't even looked stunned which surprised her, she'd figured Olivet would at least think it was a _little_ crazy but she'd seemed to get the need for vengeance. The thoughts of retribution and payback. They'd talked about it though and Olivet had made her understand how she had to let it go. How she would have to try and leave Simon behind to try and get back to something similar to normalcy.

Once she'd hung up with Liv she was left sitting at the desk just staring at the discs. Finally her curiosity got the better off her and she reached for the discs, brought them close to her body, tried to tuck them in to her sleeve a little as she looked around to see if anyone saw her smuggle them out of the office. No one was looking at her suspiciously and she managed to get her laptop off her desk and she brought it with her as well.

She had a look to make sure no one saw her sneak in to the bunks and she contemplated pulling a bed in front of the door but realized that would be childish. She picked a bed in one of the corners and flipped her laptop back up. She had a quick look at the dates and picked the oldest one first. The video started up automatically and she felt an immediate shortness of breath as she laid eyes on an empty therapy room. It got even worse once she saw a very familiar back walk in to frame and over to the chair facing the camera. When Simon sat down in the chair and faced the camera she immediately reached out and closed the laptop. She let the laptop go, didn't want her hand anywhere near him and it felt as though she couldn't get any air down to her lungs.

It took a while before she got a grip on herself, and until her hands lay still in her lap. _Silly_, she thought to herself and reached to flip the laptop open again. She pulled her hands back though as she saw Simon on the screen. His mouth was moving but there was no sound and she had to reach out again to put the sound on. She cringed as she heard his voice.

"It's always a treat," he said to a question or subject she'd missed. She could see the doctor taking notes but there was no way she could see what he scribbled down.

The doctor then asked something about how his studies were going and Amanda jumped a head a few minutes as she had no interests in hearing how much he enjoyed some writing class he apparently was taking. She jumped another few minutes ahead as they were apparently still talking about his studies and she started wondering what the hell kind of therapy he was getting. The second try though she reached something a little bit more… well interesting would be the wrong word but something of substance at least.

"Last session we talked about your mother and how you never were allowed to grieve her after her death, would you mind if we picked that subject up again Simon?" the doctor asked.

Simon looked a little reluctant but then nodded slightly. He was picking at the chair's arm a little nervously, a tic she had herself when she got a little bit nervous.

Amanda got stuck watching his picking on the chair and missed some of the conversation but she didn't miss much she realized. Just a lot of complaining about how the state had taken possession of the house after his mother's passing and almost immediately tore it down. They tore his childhood home to the ground in front of his own eyes. He sounded really neurotic saying that the government's people had laughed at him, laughed at his tears and desecrated his mother's grave. The world was a corrupt and vile place with no sense of moral or decency according to him. She felt like laughing at that but at the same time she felt like throwing up. _Was he still this delusional?_

She swopped to the next disc and noticed Simon looked a little rounder. She had almost had a chance of fighting him at times, well if it wasn't for being drugged and the shackles, but now he looked more muscular. She figured she could still take him though, if the playing field was even.

On this disc they talked about how he was getting on again. The doctor asked about another inmate and some altercation but Simon looked unwilling to talk about it and the doctor didn't push.

"I had a dream about her," Simon suddenly said after a bit of silence.  
"About…?" the doctor questioned but Simon just gave him a look like he should know who he was talking about.  
"We were together again," Simon smiled once he'd gone back to studying his own hands.  
"She was just as beautiful, impure but beautiful. Her wings were starting to blossom out of the slits in her back. She thanked me for setting her free."  
"You think that's what she is today Simon? Free?" the doctor asked. Simon's eyes narrowed a little as he studied the doctor for a while. Amanda would creep out if Simon looked at her like that but the doctor didn't seem to mind at all, just kept sitting absolutely still.

"She would've been so much more if they had let me finished what I started but yes in a way she's free," Simon finally said.  
"In a way? Would you mind exploring that for me a bit?"  
"That girl was scarred before I got to her, it was _why_ I got to her, why God let me notice her but she will be forever scarred," Simon was back to studying his hands but suddenly let out a chuckle and looked up; "And not just physical then of course, no on a much more deeper level."

Amanda felt like smashing his face in on the screen. It wouldn't hurt him she knew but she knew she would still feel better if she could trash the screen. She didn't though, she managed to control herself and just let her nails dig in to her palms while making fists.

"Why does that amuse you Simon?" the doctor asked.  
"Why does it amuse you that you inflicted scars on her?" the doctor elaborated when Simon gave him a blank look.

"It doesn't _amuse_ me doctor. Nothing about tormenting all my angels amused me, it's the task God gave me and we shall not disobey the almighty. I will not assist the apocalypse of earth. The wrath that is coming."

"Tell me about the wrath again?" the doctor asked and Simon drew a heavy sigh.  
"How many times do I have to tell you this doctor, I much rather talk about her," Simon sighed and leaned forward a little.  
"I want to understand you Simon, you have to excuse me for needing time to really understand what makes you you Simon."  
"What makes me me," Simon grinned, "Am I that much of an enigma for you doctor Tennant?"  
"You are Simon."  
"It's what you like about me though isn't it doctor, the fact you can't fully grasp what makes me tick."

Amanda could see the doctor nod and figured he might be smiling too as Simon's grin stayed across his face. Simon leaned back again.

"Well right now I tick only thanks to her," Simon said philosophically.  
"Because she didn't kill you?" the doctor asked. Simon gave him a somewhat fierce look.  
"She was never going to kill me, I mean something to her. I'm her father, her brother, her lover, her everything. I created a new version of her. It's still a work in progress, I didn't get to finish…"

Amanda waited for him to continue, as did the doctor it seemed as he piped up once Simon stayed quiet for what felt like minutes.

"You mean you never got to make her an angel?"  
"She was always an angel doctor," Simon said looking up at Tennant, "A fallen angel but still an angel. But yes I didn't get to finish her progress. She's… just a shell now, so much left to fulfill. The potential wasted…"

Amanda smashed the laptop shut but Simon's voice continued.

"…such potential to be what God intended her to be."

Amanda put her hands to her ears, pushed hard but still Simon's voice invaded her head.

"Clouded… degraded by filth, hate and fear. She's scared of her own demons."

Amanda got up off the bunk.

"I'm not scared," she said out loud still with her hands over her ears. She tried distancing herself from Simon's voice.  
"She will always belong to me…"  
"I don't," she said trying to pinch her eyes shut to help blocking out the sound.

"Her soiled, distorted soul belongs to me."  
"Do not," she said and let her hands go as it wasn't helping. She smashed her palms in to the net in front of the window.  
"Do not, do not, do not," she said, voice getting louder and louder with each word and she smashed her palms over and over again.  
"Shut up, shut up, shut up," she screamed straight out.

She spun around when she heard the door open and wasn't sure what to do as she saw a concerned uniform in the doorway.

"Everything… okay in here?" he asked looking around a little as he probably wasn't expecting to find her alone in there.

Simon's voice was heard from the laptop again and the uniform looked to it.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm… fine," she stuttered as she scrambled down on the bed to stop the audio anyway possible. She managed to eject the disc as the uniform slowly closed the door between them.

She felt totally humiliated once she was finally able to pull a deep breath. _How insane could one act?_ She wasn't sure she could ever look that officer in the eye again.

She looked at the two last discs on the bed by the laptop. She wasn't sure how long she'd been in there or when the others would be back but she was too nosy to not look at the discs left. She pushed the third one in and noticed Simon putting on even more weight. Again Simon tried to talk about her but doctor Tennant steered the conversation in to his faith instead, why he thought his mother had pushed her faith on to him? Amanda jump ahead a bit, listen to Simon talk a little about his father. She quickly grew tired of listening to him complain about how badly his father had treated his mother and what a disgrace to God he was. How his father had been more devoted to the bottle than to his own flesh and blood. She ejected the disc and pushed the last one in. The last thing she wanted was to feel any kind of pity for him.

He looked about the same as on the last one. Same greasy brown hair, those peering eyes. She kept hitting the fast forward button, heard him mention her name, Shay's name and she felt disgusted. Ten minutes later he was still talking about her, about her soft skin, how he almost hadn't been able to contain himself as she was still under from him drugging her. Disgust turned to anger and as the ball of anger grew inside her it turned to fury.

He talked about how he'd contemplating cutting one of her arms off, punish her for trying to fight him and she started to feel tingles going out in to her arms, arms she was apparently lucky to still have. She kept jumping forward, the fury growing each time and each time he abused her name. And doctor Tennant seemed completely fine with him saying those nasty things about her. _Why didn't he say something? Why didn't he tell him to shut up? Tell him that he hadn't been allowed to do all those things to her? She wasn't a toy for him to play with. She wasn't a shell. Unfulfilled. Or degraded. _

"Fuck you," she mumbled and smashed the laptop shut as Simon left his therapist's chair and walked out of frame.  
"Fuck you," she repeated and tried to ignore the fact she had to wipe her eyes.

She was still infuriated. Not sad. Never sad. She pushed out the disc and put it back in the sheer plastic fold. She collected her things, wiped her eyes one more time to make sure there were no evidence left and then headed out. She feared Liv and Fin would be back but she was relieved when she could confirm they weren't. No sign of Nick or Keith either. She hurried to put her laptop on the side of her desk and then went in to Liv's with the disc. She made sure no one was watching her as she placed them by Liv's screen and then sneaked back out as quickly as possible but without making it look suspicious.

She tried getting back to work but Simon's words kept going around inside her head. _Degraded. Sordid. A shell. Unfulfilled. Fuck him. _

Her hands kept tingling too, she slipped on the keyboard and got aggravated over the many times she had to go back and correct herself as she tried to write up a case report for Liv. The air in there started to feel stuffy as well and she couldn't help but feel like some of the uniforms kept checking her out. _Maybe the one from earlier had said something? Maybe they all thought she was losing it again? She had to get out of there._

She grabbed her things and headed out not caring what Liv or any of the other would think. She just couldn't deal with that right now. She hated the fact she didn't have her own car but taking Fin's just didn't feel right so she bit her disgrace down and headed over to the patrol car that was tailing her today.

"Could you take me home?" she asked through the already opened window and the one behind the wheel said 'no problem, get in'. She could feel their eyes on her but she kept her head down, pretended to do something with her phone and then just directed her attention out the side window.

"Thanks," she said once they stopped outside her building.

"Want me to walk you up?" the one in the passenger seat asked but she shook him off. She didn't stick around to debate and just headed upstairs. She was a little wary about her surroundings but she wasn't scared. He couldn't make her afraid. She really didn't have any plans on what to do when she got home, she'd just known she had to get out of the squad room. She contemplated watching TV but she was too worked up to do so and reading or something like that didn't seem tempting either.

She kept pacing around the apartment, not able to shake the uneasy feelings growing inside her. _Before… before this stalker madness started she would've gone out running when she felt like this and it made her angry that she couldn't. But why couldn't she really? She could outrun most people. She was fast. Surely she could run away from this coward. Yeah why couldn't she go for a run? This was stupid. _

She got dressed in her running gear once she'd talked herself in to her own invincibility. She got in her running shoes and was ready to head out when she stopped right inside the door and looked at her phone that she'd just put her earplugs in.

_What if he was tracking her through her phone just like NYPD was doing right now? What if that's how he kept track of her?_ And since it was probably better she ran without music in her ear anyway she put her phone and earplugs down on the cupboard by the door. She locked the door behind her and put the keys down in the tight pocket in her tights. She took the stairs down determined to not be afraid.

Once out on the street she crossed the street to get closer to the patrol car.

"I'm going for a run okay?" she said.  
"But…" the driver started.  
"I'm fine you don't have to tail me, I'll be back in like an hour."

She started moving away from the car.

"But…" the driver tried again but she cut him off again.  
"It's on me okay? I'm fine," she said and took off down the street.

She heard the car start up and wasn't annoyed, she knew their orders were to keep eye on her at all times while outside. She just picked up a little pace, knew she could ditch them easily further down the street by crossing through the park. She relied on them not telling on her as they probably fear some reprimand for losing her. She couldn't pretend it didn't feel a little bit good to be sneaky, to be bad.

She smiled as she saw them franticly speed down the street to get around the park to try and catch up to her. She raced down the park's middle though and cut over the street before they came around the corner. She passed through an alley and knew she was in the clear once she came out on the other side. Just to make sure though she crossed through a playground and then another park. She worked up a sweat quickly and it felt good to actually feel her heart pump. _She was alive. He hadn't succeeded in killing her and she wouldn't let him now either._

Her glorious feeling stayed for… well she wasn't sure just how long as she'd left her phone at home, but it lingered for a while until it suddenly didn't. She was dripping sweat by the time the shadows started to look threatening. When anyone on two legs looked like Simon for a short while and when the slight breeze felt as though it could actually knock her off her feet. She realized she'd run too far and the entire run back was exhausting and petrifying. Even when her body started to hurt she kept running at the same pace, all she wanted was to be home.

The patrol car wasn't positioned outside and she thought that was a little bit odd that they were still out looking for her but she could care less right now and headed upstairs. She barely made it inside, the door just shutting behind her as Fin came close to sprinting around the corner. He looked worried but the moment he concluded it was her his face turned furious.

"Where the hell have you been?" he shouted angrily and got right up in her face. She got a little startled by the animosity and wasn't sure how to handle it as she'd longed to get home to the safety she felt here and wasn't expecting this. She made a face and pushed her way passed him.

"Hey, I asked you something, why the hell did you pull that stunt," he said charging after her.  
"That's not the question you first asked," she said sarcastically over her shoulder.  
"What?" Fin asked confused.

He'd been worrying sick as he learnt Amanda had asked her detail to take her home only to then find out she'd ditched them as soon as she got there. Trying to call her, her phone had gone off in the hallway and it had not helped him settle down, quite the opposite. That was twenty minutes ago and he was just about to go out and help out in the search for her even though he knew it was futile. He knew she could stay hidden if she wanted to.

"Hey," he said grabbing her arm before she'd reached the corridor.  
"Hey," she said right back trying to break free of his grip but he held on too hard.  
"Tell me why you did that," he shouted wanting to know what the hell she was thinking.  
"Let me go," she hissed and tried bending his fingers away from her arm. She didn't mind the pain he was causing but she hated feeling stuck.  
"Let me go," she screamed and redirected her efforts at his chest, using her palm first but then went over to knuckles as he wouldn't let her go. He was still furious and hardly felt her fist coming at him over and over again but it got tedious and the next time she launched at him and he cupped her hand in his pushing it back at her.

"Why did you take off?" he screamed as she now tried to break her fist free, "Why did you do that?"  
"I'm not scared," she shouted even louder and it took him a little off guard. It was more what she said than the loud shriek that had him troubled.  
"What?" he breathed.

Her face was in agony and he realized he had her arm in a very uncomfortable angle and was probably hurting her so he let her go. The moment she was free she spun around. They had moved slightly away from the corridor during their struggle which Amanda didn't seem to have noticed and she managed to run straight in to the corner. He heard the thud as her face hit the sharp edge and saw her head bounce back by the impact. He held out his hands to catch her but she managed to stay upright but moaned loudly. She held one hand over the side of her face as the other one reached down to her knee making him grasp she'd hit that part of her body too.

"Ah shit Amanda," he mumbled and tried to get a look on her face to check how bad it was.  
"Don't touch me," she shouted shying away from him.  
"Amanda," he said shocked but at the same time he started to realize how hard he'd pushed. He'd been close to frantic with worry though, thinking of everything that the stalker could've done to her had he gotten his hands on her.

"No don't," she shouted but not as harsh, "leave me alone."

She tried to head towards the corridor but he put his arm up blocking her way.

"Fuck," she said hitting his arm with her free hand, the other one was still covering her face which he still didn't know what it looked like. He tried grabbing her shoulders in a gentle way but she shrugged him off.

"No," she complained but he kept coming closer to her. She tried using her palm against his chest to push him off but he was persistent. She made a fist of her hand and used it at him but she didn't really want to hurt him any longer. He kept coming at her though and she didn't want that either so she let go off her face so she could use both her fists on him. He saw a red line that went from her eyebrow up over her forehead and her eye was half way shut in a way that made it look as she was in pain but at least it didn't look as she was bleeding.

"Amanda," he said a little more sharply when she wouldn't let him come closer to her.  
"No, I'm not afraid," she shouted pushing him harder all of a sudden. She got so forceful she even managed to make him fall back a few steps. She came after though, kept aiming her fists at his chest.

"I'm not scared. I'm not… I'm not…"  
"Amanda, what's going on?" he said and forced his hands over her upper arms in an attempt to get her to stop hitting her even though her punches were fading quickly in strength.

"I'm not…" she whispered as her whole face crumbled.  
"What are you not?" he asked getting increasingly worried what was really going on here. He was glad he was holding on to her arms as her legs buckled underneath her. He followed her down to the floor, both ending up on their knees.

"I'm not a shell," she sobbed trying to bury her face in her hands.  
"What?" he asked bringing her in to his arm as they fell the rest of the way to the floor.  
"What are you talking about Amanda?" he asked.  
"I'm not a bad person, I _try_ not to be a bad person."

He had a little trouble hearing her as she'd covered her face now and he was holding her to his chest but he thought that was what she'd said. _Why would she think she was a bad person?_

"Did he text you?" he asked trying to make any sense of what she was saying. She was just sobbing against his chest though.  
"Did he get in touch with you Amanda?" he tried but got no answer so he just held her tight and without realizing he had started rocking them back and forth.

It took a while for her to calm down. His legs were starting to get numb folded underneath him so he tried to readjust himself a little and in the process made her fall a little more forward. The back of her neck got exposed to him, laid bare as the hair in her messy ponytail fell to one side. He placed his lips there gently, got a taste of her salty skin. He moved his hand down over her back, realized she was drenched after her run. She stirred a little in his arms.

She felt embarrassed. Weak for breaking down like that. She peaked up at him a little, a bit afraid he would be crossed or look at her with pity. But his face was calm and he raised an eyebrow at her a little.

"You're a sweaty mess," he said. She couldn't stop a smile from spreading but tried to contain it.  
"Am not," she whispered shying her eyes down but looked back up at him as she felt him move. He had raised both eyebrows now and was nodding at her.  
"Sweaty, and I'm sorry to say it boo, but a bit of a mess."

She tried to frown but when doing so her sore eye made itself known again and he saw her flinch. He let her go so he could take a closer look at her face by grabbing on to it and tilting it towards the light.

"I'm okay," she tried but he could tell that it hurt as he gently pressed his fingers against the red mark on her forehead.  
"You might have dodge a black eye but you need an ice pack for that bump in your forehead," he let her know.

She made something that reminded of a grunt and tried to get up but then her leg seemed to bother her as she extended it.

"Can I look?" he said but didn't wait for an answer as he started sliding up her running tights.  
"Make that two ice packs," he said as he caught a look of her already swollen and red knee.  
"I'm okay," she tried but didn't even make an attempt to get up again.  
"Sit tight okay," he said and used her shoulder a little for leverage to get up but also to make his point about her staying put.

She sighed loudly but had no intention of trying to get up again. She tried touching her forehead hoping it wouldn't hurt this time around but it did and she sighed again. He came back with two bags of frozen vegetables and two kitchen towels to wrap them in.

"Okay…" he said sitting down by her side, "let's do…" he had a look at one of the bags, "mixed vegetables for your eye." He wrapped the bag in a towel and handed it to her, helping her to guide her hand up to her face.

"And harvest hodgepodge for your knee," he said next as he wrapped the second bag.

He moved her leg over his own so she would be able to rest it in a comfortable angle and then placed the ice pack on her knee. Once he'd gotten it in a place where he made sure it wasn't painful for her he gently rested his hand on top of it to hold it in place. He looked her over a little, tried to catch her one eye beside the ice pack that covered half her face but he could tell she tried to avoid his gaze.

"What's going on Amanda?" he finally asked. He knew she wasn't in a position where she could easily flee but he thread gently, not wanting her to feel a need to get away from him. He gave her time and finally she gave an inch.

"I'm just tired of it," she close to whispered.  
"What's it?" he wanted to know. She gave him a quick glance with her exposed eye.  
"The threats, having someone watching me constantly," she said.  
"We are going to get him, this will be over," he said and tried his best to sound convincing enough.  
"When?"  
"Soon," he said and caught her trying to roll her eye but apparently it caused pain in her other eye and she quit.  
"I know it's not soon enough but we will get him and we'll make sure he pays."  
"Right, another looney out there I have to constantly fear," she mumbled.

He watched her for a while, reached up and combed a few lose strands behind her ear using his fingers.

"Do you fear him?" he dared to ask. He met her eye briefly.  
"Simon? Do you fear him still?" he clarified. She stirred slightly, seemed to want to get up but her aching body prevented her.  
"I'm _not_ scared of him," she said through clinched teeth.

He nodded to let her sell her lie but he knew it was just that, a lie. _He wondered if he should've pushed her to talk about everything that happened. That maybe in his attempt to bring her old self back he had sheltered her too much from the past? But he hoped doctor Olivet was helping her with the past. She had seemed better. That was until this stalker had started texting her. That's when everything started falling apart._ _Why did this fucking stalker have to show up? _

"Ugh I need a shower, I stink," she moaned as she stirred a little under his gaze.  
"Told you," he said and got a slight thud on the chest. She seemed to catch herself though and she looked at his chest hoping it wasn't hurting from her rough treatment of him just a while ago.

"I'm sorry," she whispered and did her best to hold his eyes with her one eye, "I know I keep saying it a lot but I am, really sorry."  
"It's okay," he said touching her cheek.  
"No, no it's not," she whispered gently moving her palm over his chest.  
"Let me carry you to the shower," he said to get her thinking of something else.  
"You're going to carry me? Like a damsel in distress?" she questioned dryly.  
"I dunno about that, not to offend you but you're no damsel and I said _mess_ not _distress_," he said as he wriggled out from underneath her leg.

She tried to act offended but she couldn't hide her smile well enough to sell it. He got up on one foot, kept his other knee close to her as he tried to get a steady but still gently grip underneath her knees. He then put his arm behind her back and when she'd laced one hand around his neck he hoisted her up as carefully as possible. She leaned her head against his chest once she was up in the air, the cold of the ice pack coming through his shirt but he didn't mind. She was really relaxed in his arms, not stiff as he had expected. He figured she was spent after the strenuous run she'd obviously been out on. Once in the bathroom he didn't feel like letting her go and made up things to fix before he had to put her down on the toilet lid.

"I'll fix you knew ones for after your shower," he said as she handed him the ice pack from her eye. The other one had been left on the floor out there.

"You need any help?" he asked but she shook her head with a slight shrug.  
"I'll fix something for us to eat while you're in the shower," he said and she gave him a brief nod.  
"Anything special you're in the mood for?" he asked but got the headshake he'd expected.  
"Okay, I'll make something good though. Holler if you need anything," he said as he pulled himself to the door. She shot him a smile as he pushed the door shut between them.

**If Liv knew what she** had been up to yesterday she acted like she didn't. Amanda figured she knew though but didn't mind trying to pretend it hadn't happen. She'd acted childish, taking off like that without her detail when she knew people would worry about her if they found out. Fin had looked absolutely distraught yesterday when she came back from the run. It wasn't fair on him and she felt bad for putting him through all this grief.

There had been some development over the night. Most importantly Phoebe had out of the blue checked in with her mom. Calling her mom's cellphone at well past midnight the girl had apparently heard they were looking for her and she wanted to just tell them that she was fine. The mother had tried to keep her on the line but she'd said she didn't have much time, she had to be somewhere but she wanted to let her mother know she was alive and well and that they should stop looking for her and that she would be home in a few weeks. Phoebe had ended the call with telling her mother that 'everything will be okay'.

Of course the mother had tried to call her back but had gotten the message that the number she tried to call was not in service. When Liv asked her the mother had said that her daughter did sound like herself but that it was just very out of character for her to hang up on her like that. Liv got the number and told the mother they would look in to it and for her to keep her phone close by.

Nick and Keith had also managed to dig up some interesting information yesterday. When they confronted doctor Tennant about his phone and potentially recording his sessions with Simon he of course denied it at first. Nick had printed copies though of images showing Tennant putting the device on the table between them. Nick suggested that he had in fact recorded his sessions with Simon even though it was against Broadmare's rules. Was he perhaps after material for his new book?

Tennant had tried to stick to his story that he was innocent of the allegations they were making towards him but Nick and Keith had worked out a pretty good tactic by now and Tennant caved after a while. He took them aside as they were at Broadmare and he clearly didn't want his co-workers to know any of this. Yes he had recorded his sessions but not only for selfish reasons. It was a ridiculous rule they had here at the hospital about no material leaving the premises. To be able to sit at home instead of locked inside that place made for so much better notes. And he had a strongbox at home that no one but him had access to.

Turned out though that he had used his own phone as a recording device. Someone could've hacked it Nick suggested but Tennant found that impossible. He was a very protective man. Rarely did anyone but his immediate family or staff get in to his apartment. Keith asked about his patients though and Tennant have to add them to the list of people who entered his domains and suddenly the list wasn't that short any longer.

Nick demanded that they get access to his 'domain' tomorrow morning and that his entire family and as many of the staff that he was able to call in on short notice be present and available for questioning. Tennant said it was a inconvenience on such short notice but Keith countered that they could get warrants and arrest the lot of them and Tennant could wait and see how much of an inconvenience that would be.

Liv asked Amanda and Fin to take the Phoebe case while she went over to the Tennant's with Nick and Keith. Amanda was just relieved she got to work an actual case and didn't say much. She could feel both Liv and Nick throwing her concerned looks and she wondered if they could see she'd cried herself to sleep last night but then she remembered she had a bruise on her forehead that she didn't manage to hide completely with her bangs. Nick had also commented on her tiny limp this morning, she'd told him it was a gym injury but she wasn't sure he'd bought it.

While Amanda and Fin tried to enlist the help of TARU to trace the number Phoebe had called from the rest of the squad headed over to the Tennant's household. It was the first encounter with the fourth member of the Tennant family, Astoria Tennant. She looked like an ordinary teen and with a very gentle and polite demeanor. She told Liv she was very interested in law and order once they talked one on one. Astoria had played with the thought of becoming a psychiatrist like her father but she was starting to think maybe a lawyer was more in her cards. Liv found her very delightful to talk to and she seemed very open and honest.

Liv got more curious to why doctor and mrs Tennant was so set about them not talking to Ashton without a guardian present when they seemed to pay no attention to Astoria being questioned without supervision. Especially since the Tennant's lawyer was present and not even he seemed to concerned for Astoria.

"Astoria do you know why your parents don't mind me talking to you alone while they seem to be very firm about us not talking with your brother alone?"  
"Ashton?" Astoria questioned and Liv nodded. For the first time since they sat down Astoria seemed to have to think over her answer.  
"He's had some… problems," she said diplomatic.  
"Problems?" Liv questioned.  
"Issues maybe, I don't know, he's really a good kid but he's gotten in some altercations at school."  
"Altercations?"  
"Fist fights, shoving games, he was the instigator of the infamous food fight in the cafeteria last fall, although I think most students thought that was just brilliant," Astoria said ending with a smile. Liv smiled back.

"Yes food fights can seem fun until you actually have to wash your clothes or get dried mash potatoes out of your hair," Liv said and made Astoria chuckle.  
"My mother actually cut a piece of my hair off as she grew tired of trying to get it out. It's worse than gum," Liv said with a wink. She waited until Astoria's chuckle had subsided slightly.

"So your parents are worried he would start swinging his fists at us?" Liv asked.  
"I don't think he would do that sergeant. With my parents I think it's mostly about not coming across as… well refined enough. With my father's work and my mother's charity and social class it's very important for them to come across polished," Astoria said and looked at Liv if she was getting it. Liv nodded to affirm she got the picture.

"So Ashton could ruin that polished image?" Liv asked but Astoria shrugged.  
"I think that's what they are worried about but like I said, he's a good kid. He just have some tougher demons to fight than the rest of us."

Astoria had turned her eyes down to the hem of her pleated skirt and was flipping her fingers at it.

"What demons is that?" Liv asked curiously. Astoria's eyes flickered by Liv's briefly but then disappeared again and she seemed reluctant to answer that question.  
"Is those demons the reason your family is in therapy?" Liv asked and immediately got Astoria's attention.  
"Dad told you about it?" she asked a bit surprised and Liv nodded.  
"He told me you were all in therapy yes," Liv said and left it at that hoping Astoria would say something that Tennant maybe didn't want them to know.  
"He's doing a lot better now, it really isn't his fault," Astoria said quietly and looked a little sad to Liv.  
"What is not his fault Astoria?" Liv asked.  
"What happened to him," Astoria whispered.  
"What happened to him Astoria?" Liv tried.

When Astoria looked back up her eyes had narrowed slightly and her mouth looked a little tighten. Liv got struck with just how much she looked like her mother, with that face she was a splitting image of what her mother surely had looked like as a teen.

"I'm not allowed to talk about it," Astoria said sharply, "you have to ask my father about that. He decides who gets to know."  
"Okay," Liv said accepting the young lady's wishes as she figured it might be beneficial to keep Astoria on her good side for now.

Keith and Nick had been able to clear most of the staff rather quickly, they had clean records, came with great references from previous jobs and were all very aware of the rules in this household. Tennant's office was off limits, no one was allowed in there if either the doctor or mrs Tennant was present too. They learnt mrs Tennant rarely even came close to that office, she was apparently not so fond of the doctor taking patients in their home and she usually stayed clear of that side whenever he had sessions and yes, frankly most of the time. Doctor Tennant also locked the door when he wasn't home and no, they did not know the combination to the safe.

Liv brought Nick with her as it got time to talk to Ashton Tennant. Liv tried to bring the crowd down but both parents and the lawyer demanded to be present. Ashton was obviously pressured by the many watchful eyes from the very moment they sat down around the kitchen table in a very impressive kitchen. He had a hard time sitting still and he kept cracking his knuckles over and over again until Anya Tennant begged him to stop as he knew the sound bothered her. Ashton looked a little pleased to have annoyed his mother but his face turned blank the moment he directed his eyes back on Liv.

"So would you mind telling us where you were Monday night?" Liv started. Ashton immediately looked to his father who just gave him a calming look.  
"Why?" he spat at Liv once he seemed to have fueled some courage from his father.  
"Ashton," his mother reprimanded though.  
"Manners," she said once he glared at her.  
"Why, ma'am?" he corrected himself with a bit of a smug grin over his face.  
"No need to call me ma'am, Olivia is just fine," Liv smiled kindly.  
"We just need to know so we can rule you out to an incident that occurred that night," Liv explained.  
"What incident?" Ashton asked a bit curiously. Liv could feel Nick giving her a wary side eye but she kept her calm and just smiled at the young man.

"I might tell you if you tell me where you were Monday evening?"  
"I have swimming," he said quickly.  
"He does," Anya reassured them, "And the driver took him home immediately afterwards. I can vouch he was in his room the rest of the night."  
"And your coach can vouch that you were really at your swimming lessons?" Liv asked and Ashton nodded.  
"Broke a record in backstroke, so yeah, he knows I was there as well as everyone around the pool area, he screamed so loud," Ashton gloated.  
"Well good," Liv said.

"So tell me," Ashton said.  
"What incident?" he elaborated once she gave him a questionable look. Both the doctor and Anya looked even more uncomfortable as both started to stir.

"A brick was thrown through a glass door and some words were sprayed on a wall," Liv answered calmly.  
"What words?" Ashton asked.  
"Not important," Liv said.  
"Surely to the person who wrote them, and to whom they were aimed at," Ashton said.  
"You are right," Liv said after have taken a moment just studying him.  
"So tell me."  
"I'm not going to tell you Ashton," Liv said firmly. The kid moaned loudly.  
"Typical, useless," he mumbled but loud enough for everyone around the table to hear him. He got another stern look from his mother but he didn't seem to be bothered by it.

"What do you want to be when you grow up Ashton?" Liv asked in an attempt to get on better terms but Ashton gave her an unimpressed glare.  
"That's not why you're here. You are not here to discuss my future prospects so why don't you ask me what you really want to know so we can all get out of here?" he said arrogant.  
"Okay Ashton, are you interested in your father's work?"

Ashton threw his father a quick glance.

"I don't want to be a shrink," Ashton said once he'd turned his eyes back towards Liv again.  
"How about a writer?" Nick asked.  
"Ha," Ashton said loudly, "one book doesn't make you a writer. He's a shrink that writes, that's all."  
"So no real interest in your father's work I take it?" Liv asked.  
"No," Ashton grunted.  
"Are you ever in his office?" Nick asked.  
"No," Ashton answered again, this time sounding a little cagey.  
"Never?" Liv questioned.  
"Why would I? He's not my shrink," Ashton moaned.  
"But you do have a therapist right?" Liv asked.

Doctor Tennant immediately sat up and looked as though he was about to object but he stayed quiet.

"What's that your business?" Ashton asked a little offended.  
"We're detectives, it's our job to ask questions," Liv said calmly.  
"I thought you were a sergeant," Ashton tried but Liv didn't bite at that.

"It's nothing wrong with being in therapy Ashton, ask and you'll find out most people have," Liv said.  
"Have you?"  
"Yes I have. I found it to be very beneficial," Liv answered honestly.  
"Well yeah maybe," Ashton mumbled. His body language had gotten a little softer.  
"Why are you in therapy Ashton?" Liv dared to ask but now doctor Tennant did speak out.  
"I really don't think that's related to whatever it is you're investigating sergeant, why we are in therapy is a private family matter."

Ashton gave his father an annoyed glare.

"Yeah it's private that I'm such a screw up," Ashton snorted.  
"Don't say that," Anya immediately said and reached for her son's hands but he pulled them away.  
"You're not a screw up Ashton," Tennant said.

Liv felt a little conflicted, on one hand the family seemed too polite and just too polished but then this passing moment it was obvious they had love for each other.

"The reason I ask is that Ashton just comes across a little angry and we have to wonder if he perhaps takes that anger out in a way that's important to know for our investigation," Liv said carefully.  
"I assure you, Ashton does not take his anger out that way," Tennant said.  
"But we've learnt he's gotten in fist fights in school, surely that's... not a healthy way to take out rage," Liv said.  
"That was in the past, Ashton has moved away from that stage in his life," Tennant tried to assure.  
"Haven't you Ashton?" the doctor said looking to his son. Ashton looked as though he had to try hard to keep that crossed look over his face.  
"Yeah," the son whispered and Liv thought she saw a quiver on his lower lip.  
"Why are you so angry Ashton?" Liv asked with great concern in her voice. Ashton looked at her with what looked like fear in his eyes.

"That's not..." Tennant started but got cut off by his son.  
"I'm not angry," he said sounding very defensive.  
"Okay," Liv said accepting his answer, "What are you feeling Ashton?"

The boy looked at her a little confused. Doctor Tennant gave Liv a rather annoyed look, he didn't seem to like she was trespassing in his field. Liv didn't care though.

"You know Ashton," Liv started and deflected her eyes down for a while to not crowd the boy, "I've worked special victims for a while now and... I got a hunch that you're trying to hide something behind that anger."  
"I said I wasn't angry," the boy whispered when she finally looked up at him. She gave him a nod, that soft smile over her face.  
"You can tell me Ashton," she said calmly, "You can tell me what's bothering you."

Ashton looked a little distraught and looked to his father first but then redirected his eyes towards the lawyer.

"Do I have to tell her?" he asked.  
"You certainly don't have to tell her anything mr Tennant," the lawyer said politely.  
"I can leave?" he asked and the lawyer nodded. Ashton hurried to stand up, hitting the table leg as he did and stumbled a little as he hastily removed himself from the table. Liv noticed doctor Tennant grabbing a hold of his wife to make her stay and not rush after their son.

"Was that really necessary?" the doctor asked Liv. He sounded more sad than offended.  
"I need to ask the tough questions, my job depends on it," she answered simply.

The doctor looked as sad as he sounded, his wife looked far from that though. Her lips were barely visible as she pinched them together so tightly, her jaw set and she couldn't look at anything but the table in front of her.

"Could you tell me what's bothering your son?" Liv asked the two after a bit of silence.  
"Nothing is bothering him," Anya blurted out glaring straight at Liv. Tennant tried patting the top of the hand he was holding on to.  
"No," she said pulling her hand away from him and then directed her anger back at them, "Why are you people doing this to us? We are good people."  
"We are not trying to do anything to you," Liv tried but Anya cut in.  
"You are, you are spiteful, and with everything I've done for the NYPD," Anya said getting on her feet. Tennant tried calming her down but without much success. He didn't seem to know how to do it right which surprised Liv as they'd been married for so long and taking his occupation in to account as well.

"I want these people out of my home, I've had enough. Get them out Aaron," Anya close to shrieked and her heels clipped against the kitchen tiles as she stomped out of the room the same way their son had disappeared to.

No one said anything until the sound of the heels had silenced, then the doctor looked to them.

"I'm sorry for my wife's outburst but I have to side with her, we, _I_ have tried to cooperate with you," the doctor started to look a little distraught and his voice cracked at the end of the sentence.  
"You recorded your sessions doctor," Liv informed him, "You broke protocol and you might have put a colleague of ours at risk."

Liv's voice had raised a few octaves too.

"No one has gotten to those recordings I promise you. My son wasn't lying, he has zero interest in what I do. He despise therapy and anything that has to do with that field. He never goes near my office. Astoria comes in there from time to time but only to talk to me and maybe borrow a book, it's not in her nature to either lie or steal."  
"But that's in your son's nature?" Nick asked.  
"No," Tennant withheld, "Ashton is just a little... troubled."  
"Why is he troubled doctor Tennant?" Liv asked. Tennant sighed loudly, glanced at his lawyer but then looked back at them.  
"He... _we_ went through some things when he was young and it has... altered, no _affected_ him, affected all of us. It is a private matter and I like to keep it that way. I'm going to withhold to keep it that way."  
"My client has a right to," the lawyer piped in, sounding like he felt a need to earn his keep.

"Somehow your client, Simon Ferguson, has managed to influence someone on the outside to pursue his mission to torment a NYPD detective," Liv said firmly, "and so far the only solid lead we have is the fact you doctor Tennant secretly recorded sessions you shouldn't have been recording and brought the material home with you. We think someone has gotten to those recordings and continued Simon Ferguson's delusional visions. We have to find that certain someone and make sure it stops here."

Liv's finger was firmly planted on top of the big kitchen table. She kept it there while keeping the doctor trapped with her stern glare.

"You've talked to my family, you've talked to my staff," the doctor said dejected, "I don't know what else I can do to satisfy you?"  
"You can give us your phone, let our people see if someone could've hacked your phone, copied the files," Liv said and the doctor nodded willingly.  
"You could also give us access to your office, let our people go through it. Search for bugs, fingerprints."

The doctor sighed heavily, shoulders dropping even further.

"Okay, it's the weekend, I don't have any clients so that can work," he said, "You'll be done by Monday though?"  
"Sure," Liv nodded.

Before they left the Tennant's household they made sure they had everyone's information and that a crime scene unit would get access to the office once they could get there. It was a busy weekend and unfortunately Liv didn't feel as though she could pull favors as she'd already pulled resources this past Thursday at the park. So far they still only had texts, letters sprayed on a wall and a brick through the door. Liv of course hoped it would stay at that but one of the silverbacks at 1PP had already questioned if this wasn't just someone craving a little attention.

Nick made sure Tennant's phone got dropped at TARU as Liv and Keith returned to the squad room. Liv knew Fin and Amanda had gone to see Phoebe's parents but did feel a little better when Amanda got back inside. There was just something gnawing inside Liv, like she knew things would turn for the worst before it got better.

Since Nick and Keith had worked last weekend Liv decided to send them home. Nick objected but Liv persisted and finally got him to leave. She stayed with Fin and Amanda for the rest of the shift and when the day ended she felt as though they'd done such a good job they deserved a treat. She asked if she could buy them dinner and Fin of course took the chance to stick it to her a little. Asked if those budget cuts had really been to cover her raise or if she needed to borrow their car for the weekend.

Liv just let him have a go and exchanged an eye roll with Amanda as they got in the elevator. As he was still going on as they reached ground floor Liv finally shot him a glare that let him know she had enough and Amanda got to chuckle as he walked passed them looking like a reprimanded school boy. Walking over to their car though she realized maybe he wasn't getting his usual outlet on cracking jokes and perhaps that was her fault.

"I know a place, follow me," Liv shouted at them as they went their separate ways.  
"Let me drive," Amanda offered and caught the keys as they came flying through the air.

She felt a little proud for catching them. Fin felt a little relieved having only remembered that she at times dropped things just as he'd flung the keys at her.

It took them at least twenty minutes to just get a few blocks and Amanda started complaining that it was a bad idea and that they should just head home. Fin thought it was just an attempt to be able to go home and shut the door behind her as he knew _she_ knew how bad traffic could get.

"She's paying so you just make sure you don't lose her," Fin said from his comfortable spot laid back in the passenger seat.  
"How can I lose her, I'm fucking on her tail and have been since we left the station. And those," she gestured back at the patrol car, "is on our tail and has been since the precinct. We are not moving."  
"We are and you will soon be fed, cranky," he mocked.

She shot him a glare but he could see a chuckle was lurking behind the icy blue and knew mission was accomplished.

They did reach the restaurant Liv had in mind not long after but it was a little more crowded then she had anticipated and they had to grab a drink at the bar while waiting for a table. Fin asked, or perhaps more so told Amanda he would get a beer and Liv couldn't help but find it cute. There were a few times she caught them doing or saying stuff that made them seem like an old married couple. It was always very subtle though. An outsider, someone who didn't know that they at, at least one point, had a sexual relation would probably just think they had been partners for a long time.

Liv and Amanda both grabbed sodas and they had time to finish them before they finally got a table. Amanda ducked in to one of the corners in the booth and Fin ended up by her side with Liv in the middle on the opposite side. Liv offered to store Amanda's light summer jacket on her side but Amanda said she would keep it on for now but added a thanks anyway.

A waiter came over to take their order quickly. Amanda seemed indecisive to Liv and when she finally settled on something Fin pointed out it had something in it she didn't like and when Amanda moaned he ended up ordering for her, going with the course underneath that had the same main ingredient.

Amanda hadn't been that talkative at the bar and it didn't get any better at the table. She seemed more focused on the ice cubes in her soda and when the cubes didn't have her attention Liv caught her glancing out over the restaurant as though she was searching for something or perhaps more so, _someone_. Liv couldn't blame her for being preoccupied, this was obviously a trying time for her.

Fin did his best to fill the silence. He and Liv discussed the latest scandal in NFL, another leaked story of domestic abuse. Liv knew it was a somewhat crude sideway but she couldn't miss the opportunity and cocked her head at Amanda.

"Speaking off, you didn't give her that bruise did you Fin?"  
"Huh?" Amanda whispered when she caught them both looking at her.  
"She's asking about your boo-boo," he said gesturing to her forehead.  
"Oh… what about it?" she asked a bit uncomfortably as she tried to brush her bangs over the tender spot above her eye.  
"What happened?" Liv asked with a soft smile on her face.  
"Just…" her mind seemed blank for some untimely reason and she looked to Fin for some help. He didn't give her any though and just kept looking at her.  
"I fell while running," she was finally able to say. She looked to Liv fearing her answer would start another conversation about her little… _digression_ yesterday.  
"So that will explain the slight limp too then," Liv just stated though. Her aim hadn't been to put Amanda on the spot but to make her aware that she'd taken notice. She left it at that as the waiter came over with their food.

"Enjoy," the waiter said and then walked off.

Fin immediately dug in while Liv spread her napkin on her lap to start with. They were both a little startled as a loud sound was heard, catching the attention of the tables nearby as well. Amanda had managed to drop her fork and it unluckily landed on the side of her plate, took off over the table and managed to bounce on most things on the table which made the sound excessive.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Amanda blurted out trying to catch the escapee.

When she tried to pick the fork up but was unsuccessful Fin noticed the twitches in her hand and he immediately grabbed for her hand and brought it down under the table, placing it on his thigh stroking her hand down. She shot him a pleading look filled with embarrassment but he just gave her a barely seen shake of the head to tell her not to worry.

Stroking her hand he felt how persistent the twitches were. It was a long time now, as far as he knew, that she had those spasms in her hands. Years ago it had been a daily struggle and it had taken time for her to even let him touch her hands when they got in that state but as she learnt he had, what he had jokingly called, the magic touch she had let him help out.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked, interrupting their stare. She hadn't caught the state of Amanda's hand but felt that something intense had happened just now.  
"Just slipped," Fin covered and then took the fork from Liv that she was trying to hand Amanda.

Liv watched them as they turned their focus down on each plate. He had handed her the fork and she had grabbed it with her left, her right still being worked over by him under the table. It took a great while before he felt the spasms subside completely. He kept rubbing her hand all while he tried keeping up a conversation with Liv and while feeling Amanda's discomfort by his side.

Even though Amanda barely joined in to the conversation she didn't manage to get even half way through her plate as Fin and Liv finished theirs. He knew her telltales by now and as the waiter passed them he asked him if they could get her plate to go. Amanda looked a little peeved, not at all comfortable with the doting.

"I need the bathroom," she close to whispered as the waiter had disappeared with her plate. He gave her a look not in favor of her going to the bathroom alone.  
"Move," she said though and he knew not to argue.

"Is she okay?" Liv asked the moment he sat back down having thrown long looks after his partner.

He gave her a glare. He didn't like being put on the spotl like tha.

"Is it getting too much for her Fin," Liv close to begged, "I need to know. I'm asking for her wellbeing."

Fin took a deep breath.

"She's stressed yes but she'll be okay when this stalker business is over," he said happy with being honest but still able to have her back.  
"Is she seeing Olivet?" Liv asked and again got a glare from him. He didn't like being a snitch. Liv raised her brows though, demanding an answer.  
"Yeah, she saw her earlier this week," he finally sighed.  
"Good, that's good," Liv said.

Her eyes got pulled out on the street where a police car went by with the sirens on. Amanda's doggy bag came back before she did and Liv could tell Fin started throwing anxious looks towards the bathrooms. It got to the point where Liv started glancing over there as well and she felt relieved once Amanda finally showed up. They got their things and headed outside. Further down the street a bit of a crowd had gathered and the lights of a police car was flashing.

"I'll see if they know what's going on," Liv told Fin and Amanda and headed over to the patrol car that was tailing Amanda. She came back a minute later.

"Apparently some kid threw stones at a couple of cars down there," Liv said cocking her head down towards the crowd.  
"A kid?" Fin questioned. Liv shrugged.  
"They didn't catch him so I don't know," Liv said. They were all looking back down the street, a habit of the job.

"Well, go home then, make sure you get a good day's rest," Liv finally said and made them turn towards her. Amanda had pushed her hands down her front pockets and looked a little withdrawn but tried a smile at Liv.

"I'll let you know if anything pops up over at Tennant's," Liv promised, "and you'll let me know if he gets in touch again."

Fin did the nodding as Amanda had turned her eyes down and seem to be watching her shoe playing with some gravel on the street.

"If you need anything give me a call," Liv said and reached out to just barely touch Amanda's arm to gain her attention back. Amanda managed to nod.  
"Thanks for dinner," she whispered.  
"You are very welcome, thank _you_ for the company," Liv answered.

Amanda tried to smile again, it felt a little fake as she really hadn't been good company, she knew that. They said their goodnights and went to their separate cars. Amanda got behind the wheel again and took off. The police car right on their tail.

* * *

**He clinched his fists** hard deep in his pockets where he was hiding behind a tree across the street from their cars. He was furious. He had anticipated, maybe even counted on her being tailed at the park. She was a detective after all. Simon hadn't figured that part out. Simon didn't have this many obstacles. He had been determined he could find a way to get to her though but that man was constantly around. And the police car. And now her boss.

He was getting annoyed. He had to get to her. Had to make some progress to show he wasn't a loser. Just following her was getting tedious. He needed more. He needed action, something more to happen now. He had tried luring the surveillance car away from her. He had thrown those rocks at the car but even though they were just down the street they had stayed put, not even made an attempt to get him. Lazy cops. Letting people destroy property like that without putting a stop to it. Shameless.

He watched her drive off, that man looking smug in the seat next to her. No manners. Letting her drive, not even opening the door for her. He was not man for her. She was Simon's woman. Simon's angel. That man didn't deserve her. He deserved her. He would make Simon proud. One day Simon would know his name. One day Simon would know who he was and he would praise him. That day was fast approaching. He would finally be seen.

* * *

**Liv tried to catch up** on sleep and build up new energy on her day off but got a call from doctor Tennant that afternoon. He was getting impatient waiting for the forensic team to search his office, and worried he would have to cancel clients tomorrow if they didn't get there soon. Liv promised to look in to what was keeping them and get back to him.

The crime scene unit had been swamped with cases this weekend but Liv decided it was worth putting in a favor and was told they would have a team out within the hour. Tennant seemed very grateful when Liv got back to him. Even though the Tennant's seemed to harbor secrets that was tearing at their family Liv just couldn't picture anyone of them being behind the threats. This seemed like someone that had taken Simon's warped ideology to heart.

It wasn't necessarily a sociopath or a psychopath, didn't even have to be a copycat just someone who felt entitled to mess around with someone's fears. Could be they had scared him off in the park but the silence could also mean he was trying to come up with a new strategy so they had to find out who this person was. First and foremost for Amanda's peace. She did not need the added pressure of knowing a stalker was out there and could rear his ugly head at any time.

So far this person had been sneaky, managed to lure them with disposable phones and stayed out of their radar but still managed to bring out her fears. Ashton Tennant seemed intelligent to Liv but she wondered if he possessed the patience their perp seemed to have. Liv couldn't figure out what motivated their perp. So far he'd stayed in the shadows too much to be after fame. If doctor Tennant wasn't the link she really had no idea where this guy was coming from. They would be completely empty handed if nothing surfaced during the sweep of Tennant's office.

Later that night she got a call from the supervisor of the crime scene unit. As suspected they had lifted plenty of fingerprints from the office, probably mostly doctor Tennant's patients but around the safe and desk area there hadn't been more than 4-5 sets of fingerprints that they would focus on. They had also found a listening device tucked inside a figurine on Tennant's desk.

It was a fairly common concealable transmitter with an unlimited range which meant the one listening in could be anywhere in the city. From first look they couldn't get a serial number on the device and it looked to be without a SIM card but they would take a closer look once back at their lab. No fingerprints found on the device but on the figurine so they would start with those.

Even though it didn't sound as though they had their perp Liv was still relieved. It had to be linked to Tennant. And not anyone could get access to his apartment without being seen by someone or caught on tape by the excessive security system the apartment complex had installed.

Liv felt like talking to doctor Tennant again but she realized it was getting late and it wouldn't be fair to call in Nick either to come with her. It had to wait till the morning. She did put in a call to Fin though, letting him know they had a new trace and they both agreed it was better than nothing.

**Fin and Amanda had a mostly** quiet day Sunday. He had asked her about the hand once they got home from the restaurant and hoped he could trust her when she said it hadn't happen in a long time. The fact she didn't object when he thought it a good idea to check in with a doctor to make sure it would just be a one-time occurrence also told him she took it seriously as well. She put in a call Sunday to the doctor that had treated her hands up until a year ago and made an appointment with his secretary for later that upcoming week.

They spent most of the day inside, him playing videogames and her with a book on the couch next to him. He caught her falling asleep a few times which told him she had another rough night. She'd slept in her own room again so he wasn't sure, no screams had awoken him during the night so he'd slept through it. When he suggested they headed out for a bit she didn't object, actually seemed keen to, and Fin cut across the street to give her detail intel on their plan to make it easier for them to keep up. It wasn't an elaborate plan, just a walk to one of their favorite places for a light early dinner in the warm autumn sun and then maybe a stroll by an arcade on their way back.

Their outing went without hitches, the 'light' in dinner making it so that Amanda actually finished her food for the first time in ages as far as he knew. He caught her laughing at the arcade a couple of times, especially when she beat him in shuffleboard, and she didn't seem as jumpy as of late. He was happy she seemed to be able to actually relax for a bit although they were outdoors.

They had just finished a movie back at their place when Liv's call came in. Fin gave her the, to call them _good_ might be a stretch, but the news and that Liv would head over to Tennant's tomorrow to investigate further who could've placed the bug in his office. Fin was a little surprised Amanda didn't react much to the news but he figured it wasn't that much to be thrilled about just yet. When they had an actual person to hunt down then they could rejoice.

As Fin fixed them some sandwiches Amanda sneaked down the hallway to her room. She aimed directly for the closet and hunched down by some of the boxes in one of the corners. They held her winter clothes but she knew something else they withheld since last night. She popped the white lid of the small container and jiggled out one of the small pills inside the tube. She jiggled out another one, looked at them for a while but then tossed them in her mouth, washing them down with her own saliva.

She hadn't been able to sleep last night, felt wired all over and anxious that her hands would start acting up again right at this crappy moment. She still had her antidepressants as well as numerous other medicines they had shoved at her over the years but refused to take. With her sister's past and struggles with numerous psychological diagnoses and psychotropic drugs as well as her mom's unmentionable pill addiction she had more intel on pills, their different ingredients and functions and effects than most pharmacists probably had.

She found one medicine that had just the substance and effect she was after and after popping two and then another one just a few minutes later she started to feel relaxed. Not relaxed enough to sleep though and she searched for a place to hide the pill bottle at, the closet being one of the first places she thought of. Once she'd tucked them in the box with winter clothes she'd been left sitting on the floor in the closet just staring straight ahead. It felt nice to feel blank inside. No haunting, watchful eyes hovering in the dark, no thoughts of Simon or anything going on. Just a calm feeling inside. Acorns and grass, warmth and laughter. Bliss.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been in there but hours probably fleeted by as the sun had started to set as she stepped in and once she stepped out the sun was already starting to rise outside her window. She'd tucked herself in under the covers and fallen asleep quickly. Something woke her up after just a few hours' sleep but she still felt completely fine getting up. The calmness had lingered all day but she could feel something start to stir at her that evening as Liv's call came in.

She told herself just one more pill. _Okay two pills. That would be it. She would not become her mother. This was just a passing event. Just for now. Two more pills were okay. That was it. _

**Monday came and** Liv informed Nick and Keith about the findings in Tennant's office. CSU was swamped though and she still hadn't heard anything about the fingerprints or if they had been able to trace the bug. Nick, impatient as always, suggested they headed down there and rush them in case they still hadn't gotten to it. This was a fellow colleague for damn sake, surely they could prioritize this.

Liv calmed him down, said she would handle it. She couldn't tell him she had already heard from the chief and been told she had to cut down on the detail on Amanda. Since there hadn't been any more threats the chief questioned the resources. Liv withheld though that there was still a threat on their detective but that she would work something out with her partner so maybe they could release the detail for a couple of hours a day. Liv wasn't happy to have to do that but she had started to get a hang of how things worked in this department. You had to play it smart. Give a little, take as much as possible but be sly about it.

She felt it important someone watched Fin and Amanda's place at night so she would make sure that the detail was there to make sure nothing was disturbed again. Maybe it was enough with Fin or anyone else of them by her side while working? She could keep Amanda inside as much as possible. They would make it work.

Liv got everyone working on whatever new had come in over the weekend. They had a few new complaints to take care off, investigate, and Liv spread them out evenly, not leaving Amanda out of the midst as she seemed rather alright right now. They had a potential victim coming in that Fin and Amanda would talk to. When Liv tried to give Nick another victim though he objected, away from Amanda in his usual gallant way he let Liv know they had to follow up on doctor Tennant.

_Did they really have to wait for CSU? The bug was there, they had to find out who had placed it there. Why wait if CSU couldn't do their damn job? _Liv could tell he was upset and she couldn't blame him. She decided to do what Nick suggested, head over to question the Tennant's again, and she let Nick come with her. Keith, who had to head to the crime lab with evidence from a new case anyway, would lean on them for the Tennant's result. For once Liv wasn't worried about those rough edges of his and actually hoped he would ruffle some feathers instead of her this time around.

**Liv and Nick had to wait** around for doctor Tennant to finish a session in his office. His wife was at home but not happy to see them and left the minute she had handed them over to the maid. Of course adding that the maid would get them whatever they asked for as being impolite was probably not a reputation she wanted in any circle. They knew they would probably have to call her back in but they preferred to have the doctor around as well.

They didn't have to wait that long, their coffee not even cool enough to drink yet but they left the mugs untouched and rose as the doctor sought his patient out. She looked about middle aged, properly dressed with not a care in the world but you could never really tell from the surface.

"Sergeant, detective," Tennant greeted them the moment he'd turned to them.  
"Doctor Tennant," Liv answered politely.  
"Please, Aaron, you're here often enough to call me that," the doctor said with a smile and seemed to be in a good mood this morning.

He was making it hard for Liv to dislike him. Aaron took them down to his office and Liv and Nick grabbed the same chairs as last time. Liv knew what a mess CSU could leave behind at times but his office looked spotless and shinning which she figured he had some maids to thank for.

"So I take it you found something," Aaron asked the moment he had taken a seat behind his desk. Liv nodded.  
"We found a listening device, on your desk," Liv said and scooted forward a little so she could lift up the figurine they had found it underneath.

"What?" Aaron asked a bit shocked, "Who placed it there?"  
"That's what we're hoping you would tell us," Liv answered.

The doctor seemed to take a minute to think the news over, removing his glasses and staring blindly at the figurine for a while.

"I have no idea, honestly," he finally said putting his glasses back on. Nick sighed and sat back, glancing over at Liv.  
"Could it be one of your patients?" Liv asked.

Aaron looked at her as though she was insane but then his face eased as he shook his head.

"I can't really picture anyone of them… the thought of anyone of them doing that. Why? No I really can't picture it."  
"Well someone _did_ doctor," Nick said impatiently, "Someone got in here in your so-called _safe_ office, that's supposed to be locked when you're not here and they put a bug in it. They have been listening in on your sessions and on your _unauthorized_ recordings of Simon's session. _You_, doctor, gave this lunatic fuel to go after our colleague…"

Liv reached out and touched Nick's arm and he stopped, refilling his lungs with air dramatically.

"I realize my part in this, I take responsibility for bringing those tapings home," Aaron said softly and slowly, "but I can't for the love of God figure out who could've bugged me."  
"We might need to talk to your patients," Liv said just as calmly but saw the reservation on the doctor's face.  
"They are never alone in here," Aaron said firmly, "I'm always here when they are here."  
"It just has to have happen one time," Liv stated.  
"Never," he said decisively.

Nick sat back with a heavy sigh. Liv pulled one too.

"Then that leaves your family and staff," Liv said after a bit of silence.  
"I find that highly unlikely," Aaron said pushing his glasses further up on his nose.  
"Can we bring your wife in here?" Liv asked as they had to do this thoroughly. It was Aaron's time to sigh but then he got up and left the room. Nick gave the doctor's back an annoyed glare and then he turned to Liv.

"He just left us alone in here…" Nick pointed out the obvious and then threw his hands in the air as he fell back in his chair.

Nick felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and reached for it.

"Keith…" he said looking at Liv. She gestured at him to answer so he did.  
"What's up?" he said getting to his feet and moved towards the windows.

Liv's attention went to the figurine on the desk. She hadn't been able to figure out what it was supposed to look like, didn't look human or like an animal. She turned it around and noticed a plate down by the stance. _World's greatest dad_. She had another look at the figure but couldn't understand how it went with the phrase world's greatest dad.

Nick's humming pulled her attention away from the odd figurine and she got to her feet to move a little closer to him, wondering what Keith had to say.

"What?" she asked when Nick hung up.  
"The fingerprint on that phone you found outside the park Thursday," he said giving her a serious look, "match fingerprints found in here. They are all over this place, bookshelves, on books, desk, safe, couch, everywhere. Old one, fresh ones, he's been here numerous times. But… they don't match either family or staff."

Liv didn't waste any time, immediately turning to go down the hall in search of doctor Tennant. They got almost back down to the door before Aaron and his wife appeared on the other side of the room. Aaron looked almost as though he was dragging his wife after him. He looked a little surprised when he spotted them.

"We need the surveillance tapes from your door," Liv said determent.  
"What?" Aaron asked not caught up.  
"We need to know who has been inside your office on numerous occasions. We know it's the same person who is behind the threats on our colleague and you are going to cooperate with us because…"

"I am, I will," Aaron said cutting her off, "but I promise I have not let anyone inside my office. I'm certain of this."  
"Then someone else did," Liv said looking passed him to his wife. Aaron turned his head around too. Anya shook her head.  
"I haven't," she whispered. Aaron's eyes lingered on her for a while but then he turned around with a firm look on his face.  
"_We_ haven't," he said.  
"What about in the apartment," Nick asked, "that lock of yours is not hard to pick, what about letting someone in your apartment?"  
"We are very attentive about who we let in here, we don't host parties, we have a representation suit for that. We are private people," Aaron said.

"Someone named Gabriel?" Liv asked, "Or _Lucas_?"

Both Liv and Nick saw Aaron's face drop at that last name and he suddenly looked very pale. He looked as though he tried to say something but nothing came out as his lips moved.

"No," finally came out as a whisper through his lips.  
"Who is Lucas?" Nick asked. Aaron shook his head.  
"Who is Lucas?" Liv asked again more firmly.  
"He… he c-can't be here," Aaron stuttered.  
"What do you mean _he can't be here_?" Liv asked.  
"He's not allowed to come here any longer," Aaron managed to say with a rather poised tone.

"Who is Lucas?" Liv asked getting fed up with the stalling.  
"He is… family," Aaron answered reluctantly with obvious resentment to call him family.  
"We need to come in contact with him," Liv said.  
"But it can't be…" Aaron said, color back to his face now, "He hasn't been here for years now, he's not allowed here."

Aaron glanced back at his wife, was about to turn back around but then pulled back to look at his wife as he registered the look upon her face. Liv saw it too. She looked scared and… guilty.

"No…" Aaron was back to whispering again.  
"You didn't…" Aaron questioned and Anya started shaking her head but then she suddenly stopped.  
"He's my son," Anya cried out once her entire face crumbled. Aaron looked absolutely god smacked, and also very betrayed as he turned back towards Liv and Nick. Aaron removed himself a little from his wife who was whining slightly, holding on to herself with one arm while trying to hide her face with the other.

"How could you…" he hissed.

Liv and Nick exchanged a quick glance.

"Lucas' your son?" Liv then asked Anya.  
"You have to wise up and answer me," Liv said when the woman just kept crying hysterically.

"When was he here?" Aaron suddenly roared with a tone neither Liv nor Nick had heard before.  
"He's… I just had to see him, he's my son Aaron," Anya cried responding to her husband.  
"After what he did, how could you?" Aaron was as close to livid as they had ever seen him.  
"He's my son," Anya repeated through streams of tears.  
"So is Ashton. Does he know he's been here? Oh for Christ sake Anya, how could you."

"Okay you two need to stop arguing and start answering questions," Liv said fed up to stand by any longer.  
"Lucas… Lucas Tilley, he's Anya's son," Aaron said facing Liv.

He had disgust written all over his face.

Nick got on his phone, texting Keith the name and to look him up asap.

"She was young," Aaron said and turned to look at his wife.  
"And foolish," he added while looking at her but then seemed too angry to keep looking at her and turned to Liv again.

"Her parents raised him, not suitable behavior with a son out of wedlock in her pristine family. Then we tried, _I_ tried and loved him as my own but he was… something was wrong with him, it was obvious. I don't know what her parents did to him, I frankly don't care, he molested my son. He couldn't stay around here."

"When was this?" Liv asked a bit blown by all this new information about the family.  
"Just after the release of my first book," Aaron sighed and wiped his sweaty scalp with one hand.  
"It almost destroyed us," Aaron said and looked as though he could start crying at any moment.

"So what happened to him?" Nick asked.  
"We sent him to a clinic, tried to get him help but he couldn't come back here. I wouldn't allow it," Aaron raised his voice again and directed that last part at his wife.  
"I'm sorry Aaron," Anya cried but now able to face her husband, "but he's better, he really is."  
"How could you?" Aaron spat out again.  
"I made sure Ashton was never here, I would never risk letting Ashton run in to him. Never," Anya said starting to get a grip on her tears.

"But he was alone in here?" Liv asked trying hard to not use the same tone towards her as her husband did. Anya looked a little at a loss.  
"Either you were with him at all times or you weren't, it's not a hard question mrs Tennant," Liv said angrily.  
"He just wanted to see me…" Anya said sounding more pleading than Liv had ever heard her.  
"Was he _alone_ in here mrs Tennant?" Liv repeated. Anya's face crumbled again.

"Answer her Anya," Aaron piped in with a stern voice.  
"Yes, yes, I let him rest sometimes, he said he was tired, working hard…"  
"Anya," Aaron interrupted her confession.

"Work? Where does he work Aaron? Where does he live?" Liv turned to the doctor hoping to get more straight answers from him.  
"Her parents have him set up in one of their places, they own buildings, a lot of buildings," Aaron sighed, "They say he work for them but I don't know how much work is actually involved. He's a lazy kid."

"He's better, he would never hurt someone on purpose," Anya sobbed but no one would take her word for it right now.  
"You didn't have time for him, busy with your book," Anya started rambling while getting furious glares from her husband, "Always busy. Never time for your family. If you'd only paid more attention to us none of this…"

Tennant took a step towards his wife with hatred pouring from his eyes. Liv stepped in between though.

"Get her parents on the line," Liv told Aaron, "Now!"  
"I'll get my phone," Aaron groaned and walked down towards his office.

Liv shot Nick a look.

"Should we tell her?" Nick asked. He didn't have to explain who he was referring to.  
"Let's wait until we know for sure it's him," Liv told him.

**Back at the station** Amanda was writing up the statement she had just taken with Fin. A girl in her 20s wanted to file a report against an ex-boyfriend. She claimed he had attempted to rape her and she wanted a restraining order. It was just something about her story that screamed attention-seeker. Amanda hated that feeling of mistrusting a potential victim but she could tell by Fin's facial expressions during the interview that he felt the same. And he wasn't late to say it after the victim had left the squad room.

They would still have to investigate though she pointed out to which he answered 'yeah you do that, I'll be out helping real victims'. But she knew he was just blowing off a little steam, he would help out but probably just tried to get out of the paper work.

While writing up the statement Amanda's phone rang. As usual these days she jumped slightly and hesitated answering. She took a deep breath and picked up the phone determined on not letting this stalker get to her. Still she felt relieved once she heard a familiar voice on the other line. It was Phoebe's mom again wanting to let them know Phoebe had been in contact again, she wanted to come home. Amanda begged for her to bring in Phoebe to the station if she did show up, put emphasis on how important it was that they got to talk to her and made sure she knew Phoebe wasn't in any trouble.

Amanda wasn't sure if she'd been able to talk Phoebe's mother in to it or not. Fin had been on the phone as well and let her knew they had a new victim.

"I'll try and get Liv to see if she wants us to go or if she wants to take it," he said and dialed their sergeant.  
"Hey what's going on?" he asked once Liv finally picked up. He could hear her hesitate but then she finally said;  
"We got a lead, we might have him."  
"Yeah? Who is it?" Fin asked sitting up on his chair suddenly very interested in what she had to say.

"Tennant's stepson," Liv let him know.  
"Stepson?" he asked surprised.  
"Yeah," Liv sighed, "seems the wife had a son at a young age that was partly raised by her parents. When she started seeing the good doctor they tried to make themselves a family but something was off with him. Seems he molested the younger son and they tried to cover that up as well, couldn't bare the shame or whatever."

Liv had still not digested the entire story. She felt bad for Ashton and couldn't believe how a seemingly bright man as doctor Tennant could withhold this from the police. She wasn't sure just how sever the molestation had been but it was obviously bad enough to still haunt Ashton.

"And you're sure he's behind this?" Fin asked looking over at Amanda across the desk. She was looking at him, having already figured out something big was going on.

"It was his fingerprint on the phone you found, his fingerprints are all over the doctor's office," Liv said.  
"But you don't have him yet?" Fin asked holding Amanda's eyes.  
"We are heading over to his place now, Anya's parents set him up in a basement apartment in one of their buildings, I'll let you know once we have him. Okay I got to go Fin…"

"Wait," Fin said before she could hang up, "we caught a new case. There's a woman over at…" Fin tried to find the note he'd written it down on, "Never mind, in one of the emergency rooms, she says she's been raped but she only wants to talk to a female detective. I thought maybe you and Amanda but seeing how you're busy…"  
"Yeah, I need to be here, can you go with? Just stay outside if she's persistent," Liv said a little distracted, she was obviously busy on the other side of the line.  
"Yeah sure, no problem, we'll handle it," Fin said and let Liv get off.

Amanda looked at him a bit impatiently, wanting him to fill her in immediately.

"Yeah they might have him, Tennant has a stepson, screwed up it seems," Fin let her know, "His fingerprint was on the phone we found at the park. His fingerprints are all over Tennant's place even though he wasn't allowed there."  
"Why wasn't he allowed there?" Amanda asked curiously.  
"Something about molesting the teenage son," Fin said shrugging slightly. Amanda pinched her brows. Her eyes drifted off as she took the information in.

"You okay?" he asked as he couldn't figure out what she was thinking, she was just so calm lately.  
"Yeah, what's this about the new victim?" she asked not wanting to get preoccupied by that other business right now. She just wanted it to be over but until they had the guy she wouldn't dare to feel relieved.

"She wants to see a female detective, Liv said we could go. You okay to take it?"  
"Yeah, sure, why wouldn't I?" she said and got up off the chair.

**Fin and Amanda arrived** at the hospital twenty minutes later. Amanda didn't realize they didn't have a car following them until they got there. Fin hadn't seemed to register it either so she just kept quiet about it. It felt good to know this whole ordeal could be over now. It made things seem a little brighter all of a sudden.

By the admittance desk they learnt though that the woman who had claimed she was raped had left the hospital. They got referred to one of the nurses that had seen her but had to wait around a bit as the nurse had been called to an emergency. Once she came out she walked them over to the nurses' desk where she handed Amanda the registration form that was sparsely filled out. They had a name and address of the woman, some information about visual injuries but the nurse told them she had refused to be checked out properly and she had refused a rape kit. She'd been saying over and over again that she'd been raped and would only talk to a female detective.

"I don't like to make assumptions," the nurse said trying to watch her words, "but she kind of seemed like a… working girl."  
"At this address?" Amanda questioned as she seemed to live in a fancy part of town. The nurse shrugged.  
"The way she dressed, the way she talked, I wouldn't be surprised if she was high on something…"  
"Well that's not important if she was raped," Amanda said a little offensive but tried to cool down as the nurse didn't seem to want to be mean-spirited.

"Could she have been assaulted by a cop?" Fin asked, "Seeing how she was so persistent with it being a female cop she talked to."  
"She did act reserved, maybe she wasn't high but just… frighten?" the nurse suggested.

"You got anything else for us? Footage maybe?" Fin asked looking up for any cameras in the hallway but couldn't find any.  
"Not the greatest safety protocol around here," the nurse said flatly sounding like it was a complaint as well as information.

"Can I get a copy of this?" Amanda asked holding up the registration form.  
"Sure, I'll be right back," the nurse said grabbing the form from Amanda's hands.

"You wanna check out the address?" he asked even though he already knew the answer to the question. She gave him a nod.  
"I'll text Liv the address on our way there," Fin said leaning slightly against the nurses' desk as they waited for their copy.

**Keith met up with Liv and Nick** a street away from Lucas Tilley's sublevel apartment. Liv had called in back-up not wanting this guy to slip away. Once she got word the second unit had the back entrance covered she moved in with her unit from the front. Lucas didn't have any weapons registered or any criminal charges but Liv had still informed everyone to take precautions. If this man aspired to be Simon's copycat there was a possibility he had committed crimes under the police radar. Tennant had worked with Simon for a year and a half, Lucas could've listened in for just as long.

Nick took lead down the stairs to Lucas' front door. He made sure everyone was in place behind him and then gave the officer with the battering ram the go-ahead. The enforcer crashed through the door more than flung it open but Nick was quickly there and got them access. He went in first with his gun raised.

"Police," he yelled loudly, "Lucas Tilley."

Keith and Liv were right behind him and they spread out having gone over the layout of the apartment before they went in.

"Clear," Nick shouted from the living room. Another detective yelled clear from the kitchen area.  
"Clear," Keith said having checked the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom which he and Liv had entered together.  
"He's not here," Keith said but caught Liv's attention focused somewhere else.

"Holy…" she whispered as she lowered her gun approaching one of the walls in the bedroom. The entire wall was covered with photos and clippings, Liv recognized the person on every single photo very well. Keith stepped on a flip on the floor and two bright spotlights lit the entire wall up letting them really see the entire wall.

"Fuck," Keith mumbled as he took it all in.

Liv walked even closer to the wall and had a better look at some of the clippings. From what she could see the articles were all about Simon, big headlines about the notorious Mayhem strangler and his poor victims.

"Did you find an…" Nick walked in to the room but quiet down the moment he saw what his partners were looking at.  
"My…" he whispered walking up on Liv's other side.  
"He's been doing this for a while," Liv pointed at a photo, "she's in her winter jacket."  
"This must be from the roof across her building," Keith said looking at a photo taken off Amanda through her window.  
"Courthouse, restaurant, precinct, at the gym, with Fin, many with Fin," Liv mumbled letting her eyes go from photo to photo.

Nick had moved over towards Lucas' bed and had a look at the books on his nightstand. He recognized doctor Tennant's book as well as a paperback of Dante's inferno. He thought he saw a familiar pattern peeking out from underneath his pillow and he used a pen from his inner pocket to dig the fabric out.

"Liv?" he said calling for her attention. He held up the flannel shirt so she could see it.  
"Is this hers?" he asked. Liv just frowned and looked back up over the photo wall. This was beyond a fixation.

"What kind of freak are we dealing with?" Liv mumbled.  
"He's a freak alright," Keith said from over by a desk by another wall, "And an angry freak."

Both Liv and Nick walked over and had a look at what he was looking at. There were numerous more photos on the desk. These photos looked a little different though. He'd carved or cut out the people surrounding Amanda on the photos. And then drawn both angel wings, devils horn and a split tail on her.

"He got all her routes written down," Keith said having found a notebook of Lucas' on the desk.  
"Lucky our girl doesn't stick to a routine," he added as it seemed Lucas had failed to find similar paths on specific days.

Nick dug up a piece of paper where Lucas had written with harsh letters 'you will see me', 'you will admire me' and 'you will be sorry'.

"Okay this guy has to get off the streets yesterday," Nick said having seen enough.  
"Maybe we should check these places his granpappies says he works at," Keith suggested.  
"Maybe we should make sure he's not stalking her right now," Nick suggested instead.

Liv got her phone out and noticed she had a text. Nick peeked over her shoulder a little as he was curious what had gotten his sergeant's attention. It was from Fin and it was just to let her know the address they were heading to to try and find their potential victim.

"Hey, you have the list of those places," Liv asked Keith. He got the list out of his inner pocket and let Liv look through it. Five buildings, five addresses. Liv cursed as she spotted the familiar address.

"Fin and Amanda just headed over to this place," she said pointing to the third address on the list.  
"Why?" Keith asked.  
"A potential victim who only wanted to talk to a _female detective_. Not cop, he said _detective_," Liv said as her mind started to race.

"When did the text come in?" Nick asked. Liv had a look.  
"Twenty minutes ago," she said with a slight gasp.

"Let's go," Nick said and hurried out.  
"Get CSU in here right now," Liv shouted at another detective as they rushed out of there.

**Fin had texted Liv** as they were on their way over to the address the nurse had given them, it was just a couple of blocks from the emergency room. The building looked way fancy for a working girl.

"She could've made a mistake, maybe she'd just been out on the town," Amanda said as they parked across the street from the building.  
"On a Sunday night," Fin huffed as they crossed the street.  
"People do go out clubbing every day of the week, just because you're old…" she said teasingly but left it at that once he'd glared her way.

They walked up the stairs and by the giant gate they checked the resident list.

"No Jenkins and there are no apartment numbers on this," Amanda said glancing back at Fin. He tried the door and it just opened up.  
"Well lucky us," Fin said and held the door up for her.

"108," Amanda mumbled once they got inside, "Should be on this floor or maybe one up?"  
"No, this one," Fin said having a look above the closest door.

"This way," he pointed and they headed down a narrow corridor.  
"108," he said pointing to the very last door. Amanda knocked on the door while Fin had a look out through the emergency door that was nearby. Looked like a nice backyard tucked in between the houses.

"Sounds kinda vacant," Amanda said as her knock seemed to echo inside the apartment.  
"Just moved in? Sublet?" Fin said with a shrug.  
"I don't think she's in there," Amanda said after the third rounds of knocks. She knew there was a chance the woman just didn't want to talk to them but she had a feeling something wasn't right with this address.

"What you want to do?" he asked but now she shrugged.

They heard someone coming down the stairs and Fin raised his eyebrows a little and then headed out of the corridor to find the person.

"Hey you live here?" Fin asked the guy coming down the stairs. He had his phone out and in front of his face. Fin noted that maybe it was too soon for the beanie the young guy had pulled down to his eyes but then again maybe it was in fashion?

"Yeah," the man answered looking up from his phone. He looked mid-twenties to Fin, neat, clean, with a comfy looking hoodie on.  
"Patty Jenkins?" Fin asked, "You know her?"

The man seemed to think about it, sucked on his lip slightly but then shook his head.

"Haven't been here that long though, not really picked up many names," he said shoving his phone in his back pocket.  
"She's in 108," Amanda said stepping forward while gesturing over her shoulder.

The man just watched her for a second but then shrugged.

"Sorry," he said giving her a smile.  
"Don't worry about it," she said but sighed as she turned away slightly.

"You want me to get the super? He'll know her for sure," the man said.  
"Yeah thanks, that would be great," Fin said appreciatively.  
"He's down that way too," the man said and pushed himself passed them.

Amanda caught him staring at her as he brushed by her and she registered that he smelled clean. _He smelled like soap, no something stronger. _

"Come with me," he said and gestured them with him down the hallway. Fin quickly caught up but Amanda lingered as she was stuck on the smell. _Bleach?_ She cringed slightly as she got a flashback from the bunker. _Simon had cleaned her off. It had smelled something like bleach and it had stung a little in her skin._

Fin noticed her dragging her feet and turned to let her catch up. The man seemed to have waited as well, shoving his hands down his hoodies' pockets and kept walking only when they had both caught up to him.

"You know what…" the man said while walking and Fin was just about to ask 'what' when the man turned around almost bumping in to him.

Fin found himself staring straight in to something being sprayed in his eyes and the intense pain was immediate as the liquid spread inside his closing eyelids. The pain was overwhelming and Fin clutched his eyes instead of trying to attack his assailant. He groaned loudly, blood pumping at his eardrums as the adrenalin brought on by the pain rushed up to his head.

He quiet down as he felt the man brush by him and only then did Fin register Amanda's muffled sounds of pain. _Two arms. The man had two arms extended. He had sprayed her too and now he was aiming for her and not him._ _This was the stepson. This was Amanda's stalker._ Not even that realization could make him force his eyes open, the pain was too immense and he couldn't even see shadows through his eyelids. He felt out of breath too, like his lungs were closing up.

"Amanda," he started shouting and tried to feel his way over to her but he hit a wall instead. He heard her gasping and he heard a struggle. He tried to register where the sound came from but everything happened too fast and he was too disoriented. He heard a thump and then a body that hit the floor. _He was sure that it was a body and something told him it wasn't the stalkers._

"Get the fuck away from her," Fin wheezed while trying to get air down his throat. He was also trying to register sounds, he had to come to her aid. She was probably just as defenseless as he was right now.

"Gabriel," he shouted best he could, "leave her alone."

Fin got his gun out but he realized he couldn't fire it. He couldn't risk hitting her. Damn both his eyes and nose were running now.

"You fuck, take me. You coward, come at me instead," Fin shouted trying to antagonize him. He could feel he was still around but he couldn't hear Amanda any longer. He must've hit her hard.

"Gabriel you creep, fucking coward, I'm going to kill you."

Fin thought he heard a chuckle behind him and turned around only to get hit with something across his lower legs and he fell hard to the ground, his gun knocked out of his hand.

Fin could hear movement to his right and fumbled that way staying on all four. His eyes were hurting so bad and now his chins too, nowhere near as painful as the eyes that were literally on fire though.

"You fucking creep you're not getting away with this, I'm going to kill you," Fin shouted in a last desperate attempt.  
"Just try," someone whispered behind him. Fin spun around, thought he heard footsteps and then a door that closed.

"Gabriel. Anyone?" Fin tried to find a wall so he could get back on his feet.  
"Anyone?" he shouted at the top of his lungs.  
"Help," he finally shouted, "someone fucking help me."

He was already crying because of the maze but now he felt sobs escaping his throat.

"Someone help me," he shouted desperately.  
"What's going on?" he suddenly heard what sounded like an elderly lady, the voice coming from above.

"Please help me, I'm a cop, I need you to call the cops," Fin begged scrambling to his feet with the help of the wall he was holding on to.  
"I already have, all that shouting," the lady complained.

"Oh thank you, thank you," he said swallowing, "Am I alone?"  
"What?" the lady asked confused coming closer to him judging by where her voice was.  
"Am I alone? My partner, a blonde woman, is she hear?" he was desperately hoping she would still be there.  
"There are none other than the two of us sir," the woman said and placed a light hand on his arm.

"Oh no," he whispered, "I failed her."  
"Don't say that," the woman said, "the police will be here soon, everything will be okay you'll see."

Fin wanted to believe her, she sounded a little like his grandma and she had always been honest. Or maybe he just wanted her to sound like his grandma? Wanted her to be right? But he had this dreadful feeling nothing was alright. He'd failed her again. He'd lost her. For a second time he had lost her and the thought of the consequences made him fall back to the floor.


	8. Chapter 8: Casualties

Thanks to those of you that reviewed, means a lot!  
Okay so I obviously don't know much about the landscape of the US as I live far, far away but I'm still taking you on a chase on interstates &amp; through suburbs I have only seen on a Google map. I hope you'll still be able to enjoy this chapter.  
As for cliffhangers, I'm usually not a fan of watching them but they _are _very funny to write, can't wait to hear what you think about this chapter's... XO

* * *

**Chapter 8: Casualties**

* * *

_Give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! Attend to me, and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and I moan, because of the noise of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked. For they drop trouble upon me, and in anger they bear a grudge against me. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me..._ **(Psalm 55:1-5)**

* * *

Liv jumped out of the car before Nick had come to a complete stop. Keith jumped out of the back seat the second after and followed her as she ran towards an ambulance parked on the street.

"Amanda? Fin?" she shouted a bit desperately hoping to get eyes on them. All they had heard over the radio was the code for disturbance at the address they were already in pursuit to. Then the distress code for assist police officer and a call for an ambulance came in which made Nick drive even more reckless then earlier.

Liv spotted Fin over by the stairs to a building, he was sitting down but obviously worked up trying to get up off the stairs all while being pushed back down by a paramedic by his side.

"Fin," Liv shouted.  
"Liv is that you? Liv?" Fin said turning his head towards her but with his eyes still shut. When she came closer she could immediately determine why he wasn't opening his eyes. Both eyes were puffy and surrounded by red irritated skin, water all over his face. She'd seen the effect of mace before.

The paramedic had a bottle of water and there was a large pool on the stairs in front where Fin was sitting, some had spilled over his chest as well. They were trying to water his eyes out but Fin was too agitated to just stay planted.

"I'm here," she said once she reached him and she grabbed the hands he was extending towards her.  
"Oh thank God," Fin whispered but then gathered his voice as he continued, "you have to get them searching for her, they won't listen to me, you got to…"  
"Amanda?" Liv questioned not wanting to believe it.  
"Yes. He has her, Gabriel took her."  
"You mean Lucas?" Keith asked.  
"Gabriel, Lucas, whatever you want to call the fuck, he maced us and I think he hit her. I heard a struggle, I couldn't do anything but fucking cry and fumble. There was a thump, I heard someone hit the floor but I still couldn't get to her. Everything was a blur, he hit my legs, I fell. I tried to provoke him, get him to attack me but he didn't go near me. I couldn't do a fucking thing. He took her Liv. He has her. Again."

"Okay, calm down," Liv tried but knew it was useless, "we'll get her back."  
"Who's in charge here?" Liv asked the paramedic as she could see two police cars already on the scene.  
"I don't know if anyone's in charge," the paramedic answered a bit nonchalant, "You?"

"Hang tight Fin, I'll be right back," she said but had to twist her way out of his grip. She felt a little mean but she just couldn't be held back now and she knew he would thank her later. As she got up the stair she spotted a uniform walking towards her.

"Sergeant Benson, SVU, any trace of the other detective?" she said holding up her badge to him.

The officer shook his head with a somber look over his face.

"Not off her but her phone, badge and gun was left behind so we know which way he took off with her," the officer informed her.  
"That way?" Liv asked gesturing to an open door down a corridor. The officer nodded.  
"There's a backyard, we found her things in the building across from this. I have to tell you there's a small amount of blood too, just a small amount though. Looks like he put her down for a while. My partner and the other unit are still searching. My supervisor is on his way. Did I get it right, you already know who this guy is?"

It was Liv's turn to nod.

"Yes, Lucas Tilley, 27 years old, we have already put his face out there, like half an hour ago," Liv said brushing her hair back out of her face as she tried to take a deep breath.

"I can't believe this is happening again," she breathed quietly.  
"It's not," Nick said and stepped up behind her, touching her back, "We are just minutes behind this time, we'll get her before he does anything to her."

Liv fueled herself with some of that determination she saw in his eyes and she pulled herself together.

"Okay, so we need everyone we can get, knock on doors all around the backyard, see if anyone saw anything," Liv said and appreciated the nods she got, "He's tall but not that big so he had to have had a car around if he planned to take her away from here. He could've only carried her so far. We have to make sure he's not hiding her around here though, he has keys to this place and some of the buildings around here. We have to go through every cellar, loft, every fricking corner."

"Are we thinking he's going to try and finish what Simon started?" Keith asked and Liv frowned. She looked to Nick needing some assistant again as she wasn't sure how to answer that question.  
"We have to assume that," Nick said which wasn't the answer Liv had wanted to hear and she had to step away for a moment. Nick took over meanwhile.

"Keith, get CSU, have them search for anything on that wall or in that room that can give us a hint if he's set up a place somewhere. He idolizes Simon, we have to assume he wants to copy his model so tell them to search for sublevel locations to begin with."

Keith turned away the moment Nick stopped talking, having already gotten his phone up he tried to get a hold of CSU asap.

"I'll get resources out here," Nick said turning to the officer, "can you go to the last known place he had her and check for surveillance tapes, cameras, anything that could've picked them up and where they were heading?"  
"On it," the officer said and immediately started running towards the backyard.

Nick caught Liv's eyes, he didn't like her looking that devastating but he couldn't focus on that right now.

"C'mon let's check on Fin and you need to call 1PP, get resources down here," he said and grabbed her arm to get her to come with him. They couldn't stand idle right now, he wouldn't let her.

Liv got on the phone while Nick walked down the stairs to check on Fin.

"How are you doing Fin?" Nick asked once he got down to the bottom of the stairs. The paramedic was feeding him bottled water to rinse his eyes with. Fin tried looking at him but it was obviously hurtful for him to keep his eyes open for more than a brief moment.

"Any sign of her?" Fin asked dodging the question, how he was doing right now just weren't important.  
"We know which way he took her," Nick let him know, "we're going to find her."

Fin shook his head though. Rubbed his eyes again even though the paramedic had told him numerous times not to do that.

"I should've known…" he mumbled.  
"You couldn't know," Nick said sitting down next to him, "Can you tell me what happened?"

Fin took a deep breath.

"We knocked on the woman's door, no answer. I heard someone coming down the stairs and I stopped him. Damn, I walked right in to his trap, brought her in to it. Anyway I asked him if he lived in the building and he said yes. I asked him if he knew the woman, Patty Jenkins. He said he didn't, that he just moved there but he could take us to the super. I mean he checked her out, I saw that but I just…" Fin shook his head.

"I don't know if she sensed something but she fell behind and we both waited for her to catch up. I think she might've picked up on something but then it was too late, he just suddenly turned and held out his arms. I didn't flinch, didn't blink, just let him spray me straight in the eyes. I think he caught her too, with the spray I mean cause I heard her moaning just as I did. Damn I was useless, did nothing to help her."

"Stop that," Liv suddenly interrupted as she walked around them and then faced Fin from the bottom of the stairs. She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.  
"You couldn't have known that was him," she said.  
"He must've set it all up though, the woman, Patty Jenkins. Probably set her up to do it, used an address he knew would work. He set it all up, I'm sure," Fin moaned.  
"Did you let him know you knew who he was?" Liv asked.  
"What do you mean?" Fin asked.  
"Did you call him by his real name or something?"  
"I don't even know his real name, I called him Gabriel, shouted at him to leave her alone."  
"Well that's probably good," Nick said, "If he doesn't know we know who he is he might make a mistake, not hide his true identity and we'll be able to trail him."  
"He kidnapped a cop, he's not going to make mistakes now," Fin moaned though.  
"We're going to find her Fin," Liv said, "I just got off the phone with 1PP, they're not sparing any resources. We'll soon have every available man down here and we'll go door to door. He might not even have removed her from his grandparent's building, we'll check all of them. We should get going actually…"

"Let me come," Fin said and got up on his feet.  
"You'll drag us down," Nick said honestly. Liv was inclined to agree, she was too stressed right now to be his white stick.  
"I can see some now, it will be better soon," Fin said.  
"Will it?" Liv asked the paramedic.  
"We washed his eyes out, his lungs are fine. When you don't rinse the symptoms last for up to two hours depending on what type he used, effects can linger up to 24 hours but he should be fine soon."

Liv nodded.

"Let me ask, if she got sprayed too and then knocked unconscious, can that prolong or worsen the effects?"  
"No I don't think so, mace will wear off whether she's conscious or not. She's not asthmatic?"  
"No, no she's not," Liv said.  
"The mace will be painful but _that_ will not be life-threatening."  
"Thanks," Liv said but a little dejected. The paramedic was right, _that_ would not kill her but they had no idea what Lucas would do to her.

**An hour later they** had cleared all buildings around the backyard, no sign of either Amanda or Lucas. Liv had been by the spot where they'd found some blood that was determined to be Amanda's after a quick preliminary test. The officer hadn't been wrong, it was just a little blood but it was still her blood and enough to make Liv's stomach turn over.

The blood would turn out to help though. The meticulous eye of an officer picked up two drops of blood leading to one of the connecting parking garages and they immediately focused their search there popping every trunk down there. When they found her jacket and boots tossed underneath a car they knew for sure she had been down there.

It took a while to get the tapes from the surveillance camera at the exit and then they were stuck with four cars leaving in the span they figured Lucas would've passed it. The image was too fuzzy to make out who was driving the vehicles but they had license plates on three of them and the fourth one was a van from what looked like a cleaning company which they of course then focused their efforts on.

Fin was still suffering from the damage of the mace and felt more like an obstacle but he still had to be a part of this. Liv had finally just given him a photo of Lucas Tilley and told him to get out in the light to try and make a positive ID of him. Fin growled as all he could see was a blurry face. He wanted to see the bastard, felt a need to see his face but he just couldn't at this point.

As Lucas Tilley's face was shown on every local TV channel in every corner of the city with a request to the public to call in had they seen this man the squad were still trying to locate the laundry car. An hour and a half after she was abducted Nick received a call from dispatch and he rushed to find Liv and Keith.

"Dispatch called," he said out of breath as he caught them down in the parking garage, Liv was on the phone but he didn't care as she had to hear this.  
"A woman called from a gas station in the Ardsley service area on the I-87. She heard someone kicking and screaming in a trunk of a car that was being fueled. She didn't get a good look of the driver but he was male, white. The car though, a green Honda and she got a partial number. It matches ours."  
"The green Honda," Liv repeated having forgot all about why or who she'd been on the phone with. Keith got the print out of the car up and held it up so Liv could see it.

Liv then turned back to Nick, wanting more information but not knowing how to ask for it. He got it from her look though.

"It took off north on 87, the officer responding didn't do much but someone at dispatch caught the plate matching our search."  
"Okay, let's go," Liv said rapidly as she took off. She would make sure that officer got scolded later, right now she just wanted to get closer to Amanda.

A caravan of plain cars and patrol cars took off towards interstate 87 with lights flashing. Liv got on the phone the minute she was in the car trying to get resources in the area to that gas station to collect any information they could get before she could get there herself. Nick was driving with Keith and Fin in the backseat, both restless and both on Nick's back about him driving too slow. Liv finally had to tell them all to shut up as they weren't helping the situation by aggravating each other.

Keith had time to point out to Fin that it looked painful, meaning his eyes, but Fin didn't bother to respond. It hurt like hell but right now he didn't care. All he cared about was getting to his partner and getting her out of the hands of this new psycho.

* * *

**She hated the dark.** Small spaces she could handle but the dark scared her. How had she ended up here again? In this dark place. She could remember the texts, the sprayed words on her building and the failed trap in the park. She could also remember Fin telling her that they had caught the one behind all of it. She could remember feeling a little relieved. Then things were a bit of a blur. Fin had been there right? A fancy building? Had she knocked on a door? Had someone come out of that door?

She had already figured out the bump in the back of her head had something to do with the memory loss but she couldn't for the love of her remember being maced. She knew she had though, her eyes stung like crazy, nothing she tried worked. But it was the least of her problems.

Since she woke up she had figured out she'd been knocked in the head, maced and her hands as well as feet were tied. She wasn't sure about her feet but the hands were duct taped, tightly, fingers too cause she couldn't feel her way through the tiny trunk and she couldn't use them to try and get the gag out. She had something tightly wrapped around her head, pressing hard in to her mouth, between her rows of teeth. She had tried gnawing at it but anything she tried was pointless and only increased the taste of blood in her mouth which was already making her nauseous.

Or maybe it was the tiny freak-out she had once she realized she was stuck in the trunk of a car that had caused the nausea? Okay major freak-out. She couldn't really open her eyes but just knowing she was stuck in a dark trunk made her panic. Tears and snot had been flung around back in the trunk as she desperately tried to break out. She might have even peed a little but she was hoping the warmth was just sweat from the strenuous work it took to try and bang yourself out of a trunk to no use.

She would hate for someone to find her dead in here with snot and pee all over herself. There had been a time when she didn't care about all that though. Down in that bunker she'd wet herself without even giving it a second thought. Anything that could give her a sliver of relief was a good thing at that point as the pain had been close to unbearable. The memories made her start crying which only made her eyes burn even more. And then the tears started to burn her ego too.

Damn it. Why? Why did she have to end up like this? Was the universe really that determined to kill her? She would jump of a bridge. She could use her gun. She had no problem putting that gun to her head, go out the same way as her dad. Anything rather than this. She couldn't go through this again. The thought of submission, having to crawl for another psychopath disgusted her. The thought of him touching her like Simon had. No, it couldn't happen. It just couldn't.

That was the start of freak-out number two, perhaps a level or two above the previous one. It had at least left her even sweatier and even more exhausted. She had managed to spin around in the cramp trunk during her humiliating display though. But this side of the trunk turned out to be just as useless as the other one. There was nothing on the floor, nothing but litter, gravel and something that felt greasy on the rug with what little she had of her hands to feel around with. She tried to at least feel a little grateful she couldn't smell anything with the state the mace had left her nose and airways in.

Try and see the cheerful side. That echoed in her head a few times. She recognized the voice. Kim. That never-ending positive outlook even when they were up to their knees in shit. Even when they were drowning in it. Drowning in misery as so often growing up in that household that was a joke to call a home. A home should be safe, secure, where you felt loved and longed to come home to. It had been nothing like that. It had been a place she'd longed to get away from, to leave behind, spit at and waved off with only one finger in the air.

But right now she missed it. No she missed her sister. That 'it will be okay Manda', the 'you'll see she won't be cross for long' and the 'at least she can't hit you right now' as they held each other tight with both sets of feet pushed up against the closet door so their raging mother couldn't get inside.

Those precious words coming out of that foul but still somehow sweet mouth of her sister. That smile that could bright up any gloomy day. How she saw herself in that precious little being only she was the light, Amanda herself always the dark. The damned one, the one that saw doom around every corner, down every path. The one no one could love and that managed to screw up even the good intention. If she could just have some of that light back in her life. If only she had Kim to fight for.

She had started crying again without even realizing it. The burning in the eyes not so severe any longer but she didn't want to try her sight out as she couldn't handle the darkness right now. She could feel it. She breathed it. The darkness had consumed her now. She was lost in it and that's when she realized that the car had stopped.

* * *

**They were closing in** on the gas station at I-87, they could see the lights flashing from the brigade of patrol cars gathered there in the distance and knew they had reached their destination. Liv and the rest of them were greeted by a fellow sergeant that had taken charge at the sight. He let them know they had images of the green Honda going northward on the interstate. Unfortunately they had lost the car somewhere before a turnpike further up and they were now searching for cameras that could tell them where he had turned off along the road.

The sergeant put up a map on the hood of their car and gave them a layout of the places he'd mentioned. He circled a few potential turn offs but also mentioned that there were plenty of small roads.

"You have any idea where he's heading?" the sergeant asked. Liv shook her head.  
"CSU found nothing at his place that can tell us. If he's following in his… predecessor footsteps then he'll need somewhere secluded, where he can… torment her," Liv had to take a pause to swallow, "for an extended time."  
"Well secluded…," the sergeant said shaking his head a little, "those crazies have a way of finding places like that."  
"Well we'll find him before he does," Nick chipped in.

"Sergeant," someone shouted and Liv instinctively looked up. The officer was clearly heading for his sergeant though but the information reached them all.  
"State route 100," the uniform yelled, "they've spotted him go down state route 100B."

Keith found it on the map before the sergeant did.

"Let's go," Liv said hurrying to jump back in the car.  
"I'll drive ahead of you," the sergeant shouted but Nick had already turned the engine on and he wasn't waiting for anyone. He felt a little enraged as the sergeant speeded past him just a minute later though. He had to remind himself he was only trying to help and he felt grateful as the sergeant started signaling long before they reached the turnoff so they were able to keep a good speed through it.

The sergeant ahead made contact with Liv through the intercom and asked how she wanted to play it as they still had no idea for how long he'd been on the state route. Lucas had about an hour's lead on them but no one wanted to think about the fact he could've already started his torture by now. They had to believe he was still in route to whatever place he was taking her.

Liv told the sergeant to slow down a bit, keep their eyes open to the sides of the road maybe even send some patrol cars out to known abandoned buildings along the route. They didn't have to creep down the state route for long though as they got word the green Honda had been spotted in the White Plains area. When they got there they got further intel the car had been spotted on the I-287 now going southbound?

"Where the hell is he going?" Nick groaned.  
"You said the Tennant's owned those buildings in New York right?" Fin asked from the backseat.  
"Anya's parents yes," Liv answered.  
"Well do they own more buildings? They seem rich surely they'd have like a summer house, vacation house?"  
"It wasn't on any of the documents we received though," Liv said, "we got their inventory list and all that was mentioned were houses in New York and an estate in the Caribbean."  
"Maybe we should check though?" Nick said a bit anxiously, "Call doctor Tennant."

Liv wasted no time and thankfully Aaron picked up his phone rather quickly.

"Would Lucas have a reason to be heading north of New York? Interstate 87 or 287?"  
"That's where he is?" Aaron asked having spent the last few hours watching his stepson's face plastered on the news while his wife was still bawling in their bedroom.

"Don't waste my time doctor," Liv begged.  
"Okay, okay, no I don't know. I haven't seen him in years now, I wanted nothing to do with him," Aaron said quickly.  
"Your parents in law doesn't own any summer or vacation houses?"  
"Not in the US," Aaron answered just as rapidly as before.  
"Could you ask your wife? See if she has any idea where he might go up here?"  
"Okay, hold on," Aaron said with a sigh. He seemed to have to walk quite the distance and they managed to reach the new interstate before Liv heard anything on the other side of the line. The doctor seemed to have muffled the speaker but she could still hear him somewhat and she heard him ask his wife the same question she had just asked him. Going by his tone he still hadn't forgiven his wife.

"Unbelievable," Liv heard Aaron say just as he came back on the line.  
"According to my wife, well it seems he's tended to some summer residences, friends of my parents in law. She's not sure where though, you might want to get in touch with them yourselves," Aaron said sounding a little flat.

"Can you put me in touch with the sanest of the two please," Liv asked and didn't watch her words, "We are losing time here so it's very urgent."

**Liv had to wait a few** minutes before her phone rang but thankfully Anya's father Asher Brynner wasted no time as he was already caught up with the news and had been forced to digest already that their family name might be ruined for good. A family secret they were no longer able to hide, their attempts to keep the boy, now man, hidden to the public had failed.

Just as they got word over the intercom that the Honda had been seen northbound on interstate 684, Liv got news from mr Brynner that Lucas had been tending to one of their friend's estates up north by Rye Lake.

Mr Brynner promised to text her the exact address the moment he got it. Keith handed Liv a more detailed map and as her finger trailed the interstate her eyes landed on a familiar spot on the map. _Purchase_. She recalled the nasty business that had taken place there and couldn't believe the coincident that Amanda's life yet again had brought her by Purchase.

Once Liv had the exact address she transmitted it over the intercom and asked any available resources already in the area to investigate but proceed with caution. Under no circumstances did Liv want them to push Lucas in to a fatal situation as long as he had Amanda. She was glad he'd left her gun behind, as far as they knew he had no other firing weapons. They had to presume he knew they were after him as he had taken one of their own and now his face was all over the news.

Just as they reached Rye Lake a patrol car in the area let them know they had been by the house. It was located in a remote area, residents sparsely placed with lavish grounds around the equally lavish houses. The officer had parked his car at a safe distance and pursued on foot. The estate looked abandoned, no sign of Lucas, the detective or the green Honda but the place had an indoor garage so he just didn't know for sure. He told them were he would be waiting for them and to turn off any sirens as sound travelled far in there.

Liv checked her watch and frowned. Any time Lucas got alone with Amanda was a minute too long. She could just imagine the horror of being locked in a trunk awaiting to be put through the same hell as two years ago. It most feel like an agony worse than death.

**About four hours** since Amanda had been abducted Liv, Nick, Keith, Fin and about forty officers as well as a few marshals that had been in the area stood ready to storm the residence they believed Lucas was holding Amanda in. They had gotten the layout of the four level high estate wired to them along with layouts of the other three buildings belonging to the estate.

The gate was their first obstacle but they had an electrician come out in a hurry and he short circuit it at Liv's command and they made their way up the road to the building in a rapid but organized manner.

Liv let Nick take lead of one group that would enter through the garage. Keith would be with the group going in from the back while Liv took Fin, who still suffered from blurriness of the eyes and should probably sit this one out but were too bullheaded to give in, and went in from the main entrance.

Once Liv got word all were in place she gave the command to enter.

* * *

**Lucas had felt a slow build** up in his gut since he left Manhattan with his prey safely secured in the trunk of his car. It wasn't until he left Manhattan it fully hit him that he had actually gotten away with it. He had some doubts that his plan would really work. Would mace really be efficient enough to knock the sturdy black dude out? Would she have time to grab for her gun before he got to her? Would they even buy that the hooker that he had tried to clean up nicely lived in that fashionable Manhattan house? And would the stupid hooker even play her role well enough for the hospital staff to call and ask for a _female_ detective?

As minutes turned to an hour and then another one he started to really doubt it had worked. And what if they showed up just as someone came or left the building. It would be just his luck if someone walked in just as he set his plan in motion. Everyone would be able to call him a failure again. Call him a fool. Retard. Freak. They would all still not see his greatness. He would forever be the big failure and all these months of stalking her would have been wasted.

When he heard the door and then those voices that had become familiar his heart started beating rapidly. He had their voices on numerous tapes. Them talking about basketball at the restaurant. Talking about television crap at a coffee stand. Always these pointless conversations when cruelty ruled the world. Simon was right. This world was coming to an end, _should_ be coming to an end. Every man, woman and child on this world wiped out by their own poison.

The anticipation level increased as he listen to them downstairs. He knew they were knocking on the door of an empty flat, he knew everything about this building and the one across the yard. He went by the plan in his head one more time. Act normal, lure them down the tight corridor, turn, spray, avoid his potential attack and then grab her. _Grab her_. That's all he had to focus on then.

He'd felt oddly calm as he finally was face to face with the big brute. He finally saw him. So many times in the passing but never had he paid him any attention. He was just like everyone else. Maybe the plan should've been to kill him instead? Just take his gun and kill him. One less to deal with on doomsday. He would really be doing God a favor. But Simon had patience. Simon had experience, wisdom, God's mercy. He would have to try and act as Simon. Simon would know what to do.

And it had been so easy. It had worked out perfectly. That big man had gone down so easily. Helpless. Defenseless. Lucas couldn't help but gloat a little. Once he had knocked her out he toyed with the big man a little. It felt good but it also got a little scary as his hand wiped just by his leg. He knew he could not afford to stay and play now. He had practiced carrying first one and then two 50lb bags of rice back and forth for weeks now but been afraid it was too lightweight. She was surprisingly light though. It was really easy carrying her across the yard but then he realized that he'd forgotten to remove her phone so they wouldn't be able to track her. He tossed the gun and badge too just in case they were traceable as well. He got rid of her jacket and boots and searched her pant pockets before he tied her up in the trunk.

Putting the duct tape around her ankles and then wrapping her hands up tightly was a rush. The gag even more so. He spent some time just watching his work of art. She was knocked out, tears leaking from her flushed face. He just couldn't wait to get her there. He would do Simon proud. He would finish his work and he would be so proud of him.

The entire ride he'd been ecstatic, not even when he realized he had forgot to fuel the car after yesterdays missed attempt to grab her, did he loose that victorious feeling. The woman at the gas station had looked his way a little suspiciously and for a moment he had feared she'd heard his prey kicking up a storm in the trunk. He thought she would be out much longer, he'd hit her as hard as he could and he wasn't weak. No one could call him weak any more.

When he saw no cop cars in the back mirror for the rest of the I-87 he was pretty sure that woman just had a suspicious demeanor, she hadn't made him at all. As he reached Rye Lake nothing could keep his triumph down and he started hollering behind the wheel. You are a fucking masterpiece, he had shouted to himself. Lucas you rule. Lucas the magnificent. Lucas king of the world. Lucas the almighty. Yes he was almighty.

"You see no one ever saw the real me," Lucas said out loud as he rearranged some of the knives he had lined up at the table along one of the walls.  
"All they saw was wrongs I did and I mean what people doesn't do wrong at times? We are not all perfect as Simon. I mean even he failed. He got caught and that is a failure we know that, the two of us, we know that."

Lucas walked around the big table in the middle of the room, walked over to make sure the rope hanging from the roof was properly secured. He smiled as he tugged at it, kept tugging a little at it as he pictured her body hanging there struggling on the brinks of death.

"This is going to be so good. You'll see. I'll handle you properly, make you beg for mercy and then when you do I will set you free. You can trust me, when the time is right I promise to set you free. We just need to have a little fun first…"

Lucas turned back to the table where he had all the utensils.

"You see I have everything set up for you now. We have the snake," he rattled the plastic container and snickered as the serpent hissed inside.  
"It's not the same type of snake but its poison is supposed to do the trick, we'll see… maybe we won't even have time for the snake. So much to choose from…" he let his fingers slide over the blades.

"I had some doubt, I got to tell you. Even when I brushed by you, so close I could touch you if I wanted, I doubted this time would ever get here. I have low self-esteem you know. That's what they've been telling me anyway. All those shrinks and doctors and educationalists with their fancy degrees and preying eyes. I say I was just never properly loved. Everyone always just hated me for no good reason. What did I ever do to them? I was just a kid. What had I done them?"

Lucas felt some unpleasant feelings stir inside him. Suddenly he didn't feel as great any longer.

"I was innocent," he hissed and let his finger run over the edge of the axe. He swore as he accidently grazed himself on the sharp blade.  
"I would never hurt a fly, I told them that. If they just would've loved me," he shouted after he'd sucked the small amount of blood from his finger.  
"I deserved to be loved," he screamed and slammed his fist at the table making all the blades clink against each other.

"Screw them. Screw them all. I have the right to be seen. You'll see me. You'll see me now and you will regret what you did to me. You _will_ see me now."

* * *

**Liv was right by the** door, gave the nod to the men with the battering ram and gave them room to work once they came up by her side. There was a loud thump as the beam went through the door but then they silently made their way in. Liv silently waved two men upstairs while she gestured for the rest to follow her. They were heading downstairs, assumed that's where they'd find Lucas.

They cleared room by room, signaling each other without words to not alert Lucas in case he still didn't know they were coming. Liv got a little startled as Keith came around the corner on the other side of the room. She lowered her gun quickly but had to take a pause to take a breath.

Keith cocked his head down the corridor and got going towards the staircase. Liv took one last breath and followed him. Before they reached the staircase Nick caught up.

"No Honda in the garage," he let them know with a low voice. Liv frowned slightly but then gave Keith a nod as he seemed to wait for permission to open the door to the basement. They were met by complete darkness inside the door. Nick and Keith got their flashlights out, made sure they only lit up the step they had to use as they started the decline. Liv and Fin were right behind them. At the bottom at the stairs they stopped to listen for any sounds in the continuous darkness. In the distance they heard something. No one could make out exactly what they heard but they immediately tried to locate it. Nick signaled with his flashlights and they made their way closer towards the sound. They reached a door and Nick waited for everyone to catch up. When they were all gathered with their guns in position Nick wasted no time but flung the double doors open.

Again they were met by darkness but now Keith stepped in and searched for a switch. Once the light flickered on they starred in to what looked like a recreation room with a pool table in the middle. The sound came from an airvent by the wall, sounded like an arm had broken off a fan.

"Spread out," Liv said a little out of breath from the suspense, "she has to be here."

**Twenty minutes later **they were all upstairs again. The entire house had been checked, no sign of either Amanda or Lucas. They still had three buildings on the lot but another forty minutes later they didn't have that either.

"Where the hell are they?" Liv breathed desperately.  
"When's the last known sighting of him?" Nick asked and the sergeant from the gas station spread out his map again on the hood of one of the cars.

"Here," he said and pointed to a spot at the beginning of interstate 684.  
"Okay we need to track him further," Liv said and the sergeant nodded.  
"Let's get a hold of the owners of the estate, see if they know anything that can lead us to him."  
"On it," Keith said and removed himself a little so he could get on the phone.  
"Let's start a neighborhood search, knock on every door see if they recognize Lucas. Maybe he's talked to someone? Maybe someone's seen him," Liv said and the sergeant nodded before he took off to organize his men.

Liv turned to look at Nick and Fin who'd been standing around quietly as she gave out orders. Both of them looked as though they needed to be told what to do next. Fin looked absolutely gutted with the red skin around his eyes and a hollowness displayed in them.

"You join the door-to-door," she told them, "I'll handle the search for his car, another camera has to have caught it along the way."

Nick gave her a nod and then grabbed Fin to get him going. Liv took a deep breath as she turned her eyes up to the sky. Sun was still up. She had a look at her watch but immediately wished she hadn't. It had been hours now. If he'd gotten her to a secluded place… She shivered slightly and then tried to shake the uneasy feeling off.

"Sergeant Benson," a voice said behind her and she spun around.  
"My sergeant told me to assist you. We're going to find your detective. What can I do for you?" the young man asked her. Liv shot him a smile.  
"I'd like to take a look at the footage we got of the car so far, and what we're doing to locate the car," she said. The man gave her a quick nod.  
"Come with me," he said.

**Liv couldn't complain about** the work everyone was putting in to find her detective but three hours later they still were no closer to locating her or Lucas. They had found two more images of the car through traffic cameras but then it just seemed to disappear. The neighborhood search had come up mostly unsuccessful. Some of the estates were deserted which made searching them that much strenuous but they had a lot of men to their help.

The occupied homes didn't give much. Some had seen Lucas in the area during the summer but none had really talked to him. It was the neighborly way to greet each other in this area and some had taken offence to Lucas nonchalant attitude. One elderly man had spoken to him and helped out as he had some engine trouble. He hadn't driven a green Honda at that time but a Mercedes. They put the car in the system as the old man had a knack for numbers but later they would find out the car was still parked in New York.

The older man had found Lucas a bit fascinating. He'd seemed shy and a man of few words at first but as the man took pity over him and the car he'd soften up a bit, even smiled at a joke the man had cracked. They had spoken for a while as they got the Mercedes started. Lucas telling him he was from New York and what he was doing up at their parts of the state but not much more than that.

The man had given Lucas his number, told him to get in touch if he ever needed any help or anything else while up there and Lucas had seemed close to amazed by the small gesture. He had never called though and when the old man had tried to engage him in conversation a few days later Lucas had seemed to want nothing to do with him. He had found it a little rude he told Nick but he still couldn't help but feel as the kid was misunderstood.

Misunderstood was exactly what Lucas had told a headmaster as he got in some trouble in college. It was the only bad report they had though. The Tennant's and Brynner's seemed to have been able to hide whatever trouble Lucas had gotten in to in the past. And there had to have been trouble as they'd hidden him away from basically everyone. He had school records from numerous private elementary schools, never a reason mentioned to why he had left. He'd left college soon after what was only described as 'an incident with a teacher'.

Liv hadn't had time to get any more information about the molestation of his half-brother but right now that was secondary to locating him. They just didn't have time to get into his background but were still trying to get inside his head. Everything pointed to him being a loner. His grandparents didn't know much about what he was up to. They'd set him up in the apartment, a monthly allowance and a nonsense job.

He wasn't on any social medias, seemed to have zero friends and Anya was the only one who saw him regularly. Liv managed to get her on the phone as they were getting desperate to find Lucas but she really didn't have much to give them. Anya seemed to believe that her firstborn had changed. That he was better. When Liv asked what 'better' meant Anya just started crying and Liv had to move away from that question to get Anya back to talking.

She'd let Lucas back in her life about a year ago, at the beginning just seeing him outside, met up with him for a coffee or a quick bite. Lucas had seemed interested in what Anya had to tell him. How well of a swimmer his brother had become, the latest scholar achievement his sister had done and how his stepfather was writing on his new book while enjoying his job at Broadmare working with some intriguing clients.

Yes maybe Lucas had been asking some questions about his stepfather's work but no he had never mentioned Simon Ferguson. Anya seemed oblivious to Lucas strange behavior and she still didn't see the harm in the fact she had brought him around to the apartment. Lucas had said it was only so they could talk more privately. And then it had been his iron deficiency, it had made him tired and she hadn't seen any harm in letting him rest on the couch by himself for a while just as long as he'd left well before Ashton came home from school. Her parents were working him so hard after all, even had him working nights as he was doing such a good job tending to whatever it was they had him working with.

Talking to Anya only made Liv more frustrated and she really started to doubt they would ever get inside this kid's head. The sun was starting to set and it felt as time was running out.

"We have to do something," Fin said coming walking up to Liv with Nick close behind.  
"We can't stay around here, she's not here so we shouldn't be here either."  
"So we just drive?" Liv questioned.  
"We can't just sit around here," Fin said throwing his arms in the air. Liv looked to Nick.  
"Maybe he was never coming here in the first place. He's had the whole summer to scope this area out, maybe this wasn't secluded enough for him?" Nick tried.  
"But she could be anywhere…" Liv said hearing the tremble on her voice. She hated not feeling in control, she wanted to be a better boss than this for her squad and right now she felt like a failure.

"We'll find her," Keith said walking up to them, "But we won't find her standing around here."  
"So we drive," Liv said collecting herself with a single breath.  
"Okay, let's go," Liv said and everyone started moving towards their car. Liv called the sergeant over, whom she now was on a first name basis with.

"John we're going to drive back to where his car was last seen," she said as he met her half way, "We just can't sit around here."  
"Got you," he said, "I'll leave a couple of men but the rest of us will come with you. Meet up with my men already out there."

They jumped back in the car in the same position as when they arrived. Nick drove ahead of a caravan of police cars, lighting up the darkening sky with their flashing lights. Looking at the impressive display through the side mirror Liv felt nothing but doom. _What if they wouldn't find her? What if driving around coloring the sunset red and blue was pointless? What would they do if they got to her too late? Would they ever be able to forgive themselves? _

"You want me to tell them to shut them off?" Nick said pulling her from her thoughts. He'd seen where her eyes drifted.  
"Maybe they will alert him?" he explained himself when she just looked at him with a vacant look.

Liv pulled a deep breath as she looked back out on the road ahead of them.

"No, let them… maybe it will alert someone," she said a little absent-minded.

They drove back down to interstate 287 again only to turn back up. They still had some cars following them but they've heard John direct his men over the intercom to abandon buildings and to check up tips that had come in.

"Let's do backroads," Keith suggested as he could feel the frustration build up in the car. He met Nick's frowned brows in the back mirror.  
"When we get to where he was last spotted let's try side roads, it's stupid going down the same road again," he explained but couldn't keep his own frustration at bay.  
"He's got a point," Liv sighed.  
"East or west?" Nick asked not wanting to make the decision that could either be pointless or risk Amanda's life.  
"As far away from Purchase as possible," Liv said lighting up the map in her lap with her phone.  
"West it is," Nick said and stepped on the gas.

Fin was having a silent meltdown in the backseat. The skin around his eyes still felt rough and the tears that formed in his eyes and that he tried to keep hidden in the dark was stinging him. Images of Amanda's damaged body down in that bunker haunted him and was all he could see as he tried to keep his eyes open for that green Honda. Impatience was her deficiency but right now he struggled with it. Yet there was nothing he could do or that would make him feel any better. All he could do was sit there as her time was running out.

"Fin?" Liv called for his attention.  
"You want some water?" she asked once she thought she had it.  
"No," he grunted from the back.

She knew her team was falling apart right now but there was nothing she could do.

"Wait," Nick said suddenly as he put the car to a stop and hunched down a little to get a better look at something.  
"What?" Liv asked trying to spot what he was looking at.

Nick suddenly stepped on the gas making the car jump a little before they took off again.

Keith grunted a little as he braced himself against Nick's driver's seat.

"Josaphat," Nick said aimed a little at Liv.  
"Josa-what?" she asked confused.  
"Is that a city? On the map?" he said and gestured a little impatiently towards the map she was holding on to.  
"No, I don't know," she said trying to scan the map and their specific location right now, "It doesn't really say, we're just like above the Silver Lake preserve. What do you want me to look for?"  
"Back there, the sign," he said as he spied ahead, "It said the valley of Josaphat."  
"Nick," she begged running thin on patience right now.  
"Jehospaphat," Nick said and made even less sense to her.

Nick suddenly put the car to a halt again and now both Keith and Fin were alive in the back.

"Please," Keith said pulling at his belt slightly.  
"Where in the valley of Josaphat," Nick said with a smile on his face.  
"Is that a bible reference?" Liv asked starting to catch up. Nick nodded.  
"Jehospaphat was the fourth king of Judah, son of Asa," he shook his head as to get the bible studies out of his head and to get to where he was going, "Valley of Jehoshaphat was also mentioned in Dante's inferno…"

Nick closed his eyes, tried to think back to that time when he'd studied the book almost word for word to be able get inside Simon's head.

"It was the valley that was believed to be where the last judgement will take place," he said opening his eyes to stare straight in to Liv's.  
"It can't be a coincident," Nick smiled but then got serious quickly.

They all seemed just frozen in the car for a while until Liv finally broke free and got on the radio. She got a hold of John and gave him their coordinates. She asked him what he knew of the area as they were watching what seemed like a few residential homes with not much else happening around there.

"Well the Jehovah were deeply rooted there a couple of years ago, had summer bible studies courses in there but they have all mostly moved on now," John let them know over a bad connection which made Liv even more stressed, "one of my guys grew up around there, I'll make sure he heads there."

"Okay, well get here as soon as you can, we'll knock on some doors while we wait," Liv said and got out of the car. They really didn't care about the late hour. Nick and Keith ran up to one door while Liv and Fin took another one further down the street. As the residents opened their doors a little startled, caught in their sleepwear, they were shown Lucas photo as well as the image of the green Honda. They managed two houses each before other patrol cars started to arrive. A woman in one of the houses had spotted a green car driving by earlier but she had no idea whether or not it was a Honda and she couldn't recall when exactly but that it was well before she sat down to watch Jeopardy and Wheel of fortune.

Liv and Fin met up with John and gathered around the map again.

"This is Carter," John said introducing his officer that was standing right next to him, "he grew up around here."

Nick and Keith joined them as the officer started moving his finger over the map.

"There's some abandon buildings around here," he said, "there's the old grocery store that closed down when I was a kid, it's pretty run down though and I'm not sure there's a sublevel to it."  
"We need to check everything out," Liv said and John nodded to two of his guys that took off. Carter mentioned the old factory and it peeked their interest. It was definitely something worth checking out. There were a few old barns that Carter used to play in and around as a kid.

"Oh and there's the haunted house," Carter said.  
"What's that?" Liv asked.  
"It's down here," Carter said and moved his finger on the map, "its private property, someone apparently owns the land but the place is run down. Really creepy place, folklore says an old man haunts the house. We used to dare each other to go in there. No kids around this area now to play there though. I think that place actually named this area."

"Why is that?" Nick asked. Carter turned and gestured towards the sign Nick had stopped in front of earlier.  
"It's so run down so you don't actually see it but there's an arrow under the name, points to the house. There's an exact same sign by this road that runs up to the house. It has fallen to the side but its there."  
"Okay I want to go there," Liv said immediately.  
"Well you have to take a back road then, there's like a barricade over the main road," Carter yelled as Liv headed to their car.  
"Just follow us," John said and grabbed a hold of Carter.

No one said anything in the car during the drive. The '_what if she's not there_' and the '_what if this isn't the place_' twirled in everyone's minds but no one dare to say it out loud. As they drove in to the woods the '_what if we're too late_' crept in but again no one dared to put it in to spoken words.

They realized they were getting close once the sergeant shut his lights off and Nick followed his example. They were driving in complete darkness now but Nick had the red backlights on the sergeant's car to follow. It didn't take long until the trees thinned out and they were actually able to make out some of their surroundings thanks to the big moon. Liv wasn't sure if it was her own gasp or one of the others she heard as the sergeant's car veered to one side and let them get a full view of what was up ahead. The moon lit up the remains of what was surely described best as a haunted house. It looked creepy enough to scare anyone of them so it was easy to see how it had attracted kids back in the day.

The sergeant had parked well away from the house and they were silently getting out as Nick parked nearby.

"Hit the lights," the sergeant suddenly shouted and Nick as well as another car behind them did so. They hit the lights just in time to see a figure run in to the woods. The sergeant, Carter as well as another few men took off after him, flashlights hitting the trees as they went.

Liv, Fin, Nick and Keith headed for the house though more invested in the person hopefully left behind in one piece. The ground floor, as well as the upper floor, was blown out enough to see almost right through them. A light beam had already attracted their attention though and as they got closer the could see that it originated from a stair made of stone that lead down to a sublevel. Nick had reached it first and pulled his gun out of reflex. He didn't wait for the others to catch up but went downstairs.

"Careful," Liv said as she caught up. Nothing pointed to an accomplice but they still had to be careful.

The sublevel was just one open room and this time Liv was sure she wasn't the only one gasping. The entire room was lit up by two big and bright spotlights run by a battery that made a low buzz that made it feel as though the room was vibrating. In the middle of the room stood a big table with rope strapped to each leg. Nearby a rope with the two ends tied to nooses hung from the roof. Both Liv and Nick hurried around the table looking for just one thing. One person. But they couldn't see her.

Fin and Keith had made their way downstairs now and Keith mumbled a row of explicit words. Fin was breathing heavily as his eyes ran by knifes and other creepy utensils lined up by one wall. He had a pretty good idea what was luring in the plastic container. This wasn't Simon's bunker but it was easy to see it had inspired the set up.

"Where is she?" Fin close to screamed once he was able to talk.  
"There's a door," Nick said having found one hidden in the dark behind one of the spotlights.

Keith pulled his gun and joined him as Liv and Fin were left just staring at the door. They all got a little startled as Nick pulled the door up and some bricks fell out. Nick looked inside the dark and then turned back shaking his head at them. It was nothing in there but the debris from the caved in roof.

"Well there's no blood," Keith said having a closer look at the table.  
"At least…" he added when he caught the stern look Liv gave him.  
"She has to be here," Fin said starting up the stairs again as he couldn't stand to be down there any longer.

"Is she down there?" an officer asked him as he walked up, a few of them were gathered above the stair seeming a little unsure whether they were allowed to go down or not.  
"She's not," Fin responded angrily and made the officers back off. Liv was coming up the stairs as well.

"Did they catch him?" she asked anyone willing to answer.  
"They are still out there, no word yet," an officer let her know. Liv sighed pulling her hair off her face. She hoped the fact Keith had pointed out was a good sign, there were no sign of any blood down there.

Nick and Keith were still down there.

"Did… did that Simon dude's… _room_ look like this?" Keith asked carefully. Nick raised his eyebrows slightly. _Dude?  
_"Yeah, it looked a little like this but ten times worse," Nick answered with a sigh looking around the room one more time.  
"And… you saw her right? On the table I mean."

Nick threw him a look.

"Yeah I saw her," he said with a sigh as he headed towards the stairs.

"What about the green Honda? Any sign of it?" Liv yelled. She saw some of them shaking their heads.  
"What about the shed?" someone asked.  
"What about a shed?" Liv asked immediately, turning around towards where the voice had come from. Two officers pointed in the same direction. Both Liv and Fin turned and saw a run down but what looked like a fully functional shed in the headlights of a patrol car that was driving up to it.

Fin got moving immediately and Liv wasn't late to follow. Fin stumbled on the uneven ground that was sparsely lit by only the moon. Liv caught up to him, made sure he stayed upright before moving on ahead of him.

"Can you see it?" Liv yelled at one of the officers that were already out of the car. He shook his head.  
"But there's freshly made tire tracks," he said using his flashlight to show her.  
"Get it up, get it up," she rapidly said meaning the door. Fin had caught up and crashed against the doors as he tried to get the heavy bar up. One of the officers helped him toss it over to one side and Fin got the door open. Liv grabbed the other one and flung it open. She was close to cheering as the green Honda appeared in front of them.

Fin went right for the trunk, trying to get it open with his bare hands. Liv was lost for words right now but managed with a single gesture to relay to the officer to get a crowbar or something like it. She tried checking the driver's seat but found no keys in the ignition and came back to the trunk just as the officer came back with a crowbar. Fin close to ripped it from his hands and started working on the trunk. He dropped the tool the minute the trunk gave way and he let out a relieved sound as he met Amanda's open eyes. He got a little surprised as she close to sprung out of the trunk, slipped her tied hands over his head and clung on to him. He wasted no time wrapping his arms around her as well and he held her as tight as he dared too.

"Oh my God," Liv whispered feeling overwhelmed seeing Amanda. She stepped forward and felt her way down Amanda's body just to make sure she was in one piece.

Fin had felt how quick Amanda's heart was beating against his chest and he too had felt a need to feel her over. He felt the bump and what he guessed was dried blood at the back of her head and he made Liv aware of it. Fin held on to Amanda as he turned them slightly so Liv could get a better look at whatever injury she had. Liv fingered through semi-dried blood in her hair and felt the bump underneath. There was also something wrapped around Amanda's head.

"Ambulance?" Liv asked turning to one of the officers, "Is it on its way?"

She felt a little relieved when he nodded but wouldn't feel completely relaxed until it was here.

"Do we have a knife? Scissor?" Liv asked as she'd spotted the duct taped hands.

Nick and Keith came running and both looked relieved as they spotted Amanda in Fin's arms.

"Is she okay?" Nick asked.  
"We need to get the tape off her," Liv said, "Her ankles are duct taped too."

She was trying to tug a little at the tape on her hands but could see it was pointless without something sharp. The officer came back with a larger hunting knife which Nick took control of.

"Careful," Liv said as Nick tried to get the tip in-between the tightly wrapped hands. She didn't have to tell him, he made sure to not graze her skin as he started cutting through the tape.

"Got it," Liv said the moment he'd made his way through, "get the ankles."

Liv tried to remove the tape carefully but she could tell it had already left marks on Amanda, not permanent ones though. The moment her hands were free Amanda pressed her palms against Fin's back, Liv's one hand ending up underneath as Amanda dug her fingers in. Liv squeezed her hand and leaned in to plant a kiss on the back of her hand.

Fin had helped lift Amanda up a bit so Nick could get her legs up a little and he carefully removed the tape. Liv spotted the ambulance down by the house and told Keith to call the paramedics up there.

"She has some kind of gag on too," Liv told Nick before he handed the knife back to the officer.  
"Amanda," Liv said carefully trying to get her to let go off Fin slightly so they could have a better look at her. Fin didn't really want to let go off her yet but he realized they had to make sure she was okay.

"Amanda," he whispered. He could feel her grip tighten as his loosen slightly.  
"It's okay, I'm not letting you go," he said, "we just want to take the gag off, okay?"

She still didn't want to let go but she managed to get her head up a little without letting go off him. He felt a strange mix of happiness and distress as he got a good look at her. The area around her eyes were painfully red, her mouth forced open by a thick white rope that dug in to her cheeks and the look in her eyes were still that of petrifying fear.

"You're okay," he whispered stroking her hair back a little from her face as Liv and Nick tried to find a way to remove the gag. Lucas had tied the rope so it stuck in her hair and it looked as though it would be tricky to get it off. Liv tried getting her fingers in-between the rope and her cheek but it was so tightly wrapped and Amanda's breathing got even more strained as she tried so she stopped.

"Just watch her hair," Liv said as they realized they had to go with the knot after all.  
"Least of her troubles," Nick thought out loud as he let the knife carefully dig through the rope. When they finally got the gag off Liv caught her face between her hands before she let her hide herself in Fin's embrace again.

"You're okay?" it was both a question and a statement. Amanda nodded.  
"Are you sure?" Liv asked. Amanda tried to give a verbal response but her entire throat was closed up and she got back to nodding again instead. Liv gave her a smile and stroke her cheek before she let Amanda bury herself in the safety of Fin's embrace.

**Half an hour later** Amanda was sitting in the back of the ambulance finally having let the paramedics check her over properly. It had taken some persuasion and promises that she wouldn't have to go with them to the hospital before she let Fin go. A promise Liv and Fin had only given to get her to agree to get checked over and one they would easily break if the paramedics came to the conclusion she needed a more properly check-up at the hospital.

She had been unable to stand on her own so Fin had ended up carrying her down to the ambulance as she refused to get on a gurney that the paramedic told her he could fetch. She'd tried to get her legs to function but it had been pointless and also very concerning but one of the paramedics told Liv and the others that it wasn't strange that the body shut down during trauma. She seemed well for someone locked in a trunk so he was rather positive she would bounce back.

With some water down her throat she'd been able to get some of her voice back but she hadn't been keen to talk anyways just stuck to nods and headshaking as the paramedics asked her questions. Fin had stayed nearby just to be able to keep an eye on her. Liv called him over after a while though and he reluctantly stepped away to walk over to where the others were standing with John and his captain who had arrived to the location soon after Amanda had been found.

"So she was in the trunk the whole time?" the captain asked.  
"That's what she's saying," Liv said a bit unsure but then decided she had to back up her detective even if she had some doubt; "yeah she was in the trunk the entire time."

"So she's okay?" the captain asked. All of them looked over towards Amanda.  
"She will be," Fin said watching Amanda staring blankly ahead as one of the paramedics tried to shine a light in her eyes. She seemed a little detached but that wasn't surprising. He knew her fear of darkness and she'd been locked in that trunk for close to ten hours, he didn't even want to think about where her mind must've wandered during that grisly amount of time.

About ten minutes ago they'd gotten word that Lucas had been found and apprehended in the woods and now it seemed as though they were bringing him out. Protectively Fin pulled himself closer to Amanda and Liv, Nick and Keith did the same, forming half a circle around her as they saw Lucas being led in handcuffs towards them.

"Get him out of here," Liv shouted to John who directed the men escorting Lucas to a car further away.  
"I'm innocent," Lucas started shouting, "I didn't do anything. I didn't harm her."

He kept yelling all the way over to the car and kept yelling as they slammed the door shut behind him.

Fin could tell Amanda got a little stressed by Lucas presence and his outburst. She got annoyed at the paramedic who kept probing her.

"Are we done?" she asked, her voice painfully hoarse.  
"I would prefer if you let us take you to the hospital, let a doctor look you over," one of the paramedics said with pleading eyes.  
"Not happening," Amanda just said and got up on her feet. She immediately swayed, so much that Fin had to grab a hold of her to steady her.  
"I'm fine," she said once she got her balance back. She looked humiliated.

Liv was standing nearby and she looked to the paramedics.

"Is she well enough to go home if we promise to keep an eye on her?" Liv asked a bit reluctantly, she would prefer a night at the hospital for her detective.  
"If you keep an eye on her, make sure she gets plenty of fluids and rest for the next 48 hours and under no circumstances let any stress get to her then… yeah, you could take her home," the paramedics answered just as reluctantly as Liv had sounded.  
"Well good," Amanda croaked.

The paramedic gave her a less thrilled look but then handed her a pair of blue scrub pants.

"Will you help me," she asked Fin and he grabbed the blanket they had wrapped around her earlier. They went around the vehicle and Fin held the blanket up while Amanda leaned back against the side of the ambulance to balance herself as she unzipped her jeans.

"I wet myself like a fucking baby," she grunted silently so only he could hear her.  
"Stop. It's only human to react like that Amanda," Fin said just as quietly. He met one of her eyes and was pleased to see the glare.

"How about no," she mumbled as she hunched down to get the pants off. She fumbled a little behind the blanket, Fin doing his best to see to it that she was covered even though they were alone on that side of the car. She tossed the jeans out and disappeared again below the blanket as she pulled the scrubs up. She tugged at the blanket a little once she was done and he threw it over his shoulder so he could pick the jeans up.

"Don't touch that," she said a bit grouchy as she ripped the jeans back from him. He knew she was just embarrassed about the pee even though there was no need to be but he let her carry on. Right now she could act any way she wanted, he was just so happy to have her back in one piece.

"You want me to carry you?" he asked as she was missing her shoes but it was mostly to annoy her a little more. He liked any sign of normalcy right now. She gave him a glare which made him snicker happily. Liv raised her eyebrows as they came back around. She wasn't sure why Fin was snickering and Amanda looked pissed but something told her it was a good sign.

The paramedic gave her a plastic bag to put her pants in and then sent her off with a reminder to get plenty of fluids and rest for the next couple of hours and to go to the emergency room if she felt any discomfort. Fin and Liv took the orders in as Amanda was already staggering towards the car. Every step felt uncomfortable but she was determined to get her own ass to the car.

Keith had hitched a ride with another car to give Fin and Amanda plenty of room in the backseat. Nick took the driver's seat again and Liv the seat next to him. Nick took it slow over the uneven ground leading down from the house. There were still many cops around, car lights and flashing lights helping the moon to light up the nocturnal scene. Amanda hunched down in her seat a little, uncomfortable with all the cops staring at the car as they rolled by. She felt nothing but stupid for causing such a scene. In the middle of the frickin night too and they had all been out looking for her. But she also felt a little grateful. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but she was terrified locked in that trunk. It had been absolutely dreadful not knowing what was coming but at some point it would come.

She felt tears prickle her eyes and she was thankful as they left all the lights behind them. The relief only lasted for a few seconds though as the darkness seemed to succumb her and her chest started to tighten up a little. She realized she'd clutched the plastic bag hard as the darkness creeped up on her. She looked to the side to make sure Fin was there and she saw both his whites glimmering in the darkness. It took only a second before she felt his hand on her shoulder, squeezing her fondly as though he'd felt a need to touch her too. Her hand went up his arm and their fingers entwined as their hands landed on the seat between them. She felt a little better just knowing he was there. She spotted Nick's eyes in the back mirror, his face looked strained by the trials of the night but it seemed to ease a little once she was able to shot him a brief smile.

It didn't take long until they were out on a road and Amanda welcomed the light from the streetlights. She thought about letting go of Fin's hand so no one would notice it but then realized she didn't want to let go, that she needed the touch right now.

She leaned her head back for a while, suddenly feeling very tired and she just stared blankly out through the window.

"Oh," she suddenly said sitting up as much as her body had strength to.  
"I was going to tell you but… well mrs Clarkson called me up, Phoebe had made contact, I tried to get them to come in to the station…"  
"Don't worry about it," Liv answered quickly turning backwards slightly, "I talked to her. Phoebe is with her parents at the hotel. They are coming in tomorrow morning before they all go home."  
"Oh," Amanda breathed, "Good…"  
"Yeah, really good," Liv said and turned even more to be able to look at Amanda properly.  
"Seems a lot of people are back where they belong tonight," she smiled, "With their families."

Amanda felt her cheeks burn a little, it felt a bit awkward to hear Liv thought of her as family but it did feel nice at the same time. Liv gave her another look and then turned back around. Amanda felt Fin's thumb rub up against hers as she slumped down in her seat again.

She kept her eyes on the scenery going by their car. There weren't many cars out right now, most people were probably sleeping at this time a night. In the trunk she'd heard cars go by every other second and it had only added to her helplessness. No matter how much she'd tried to scream with the gag in her mouth or how hard she'd pounded her taped feet against the side of the car, nothing she did made anyone notice her.

She preferred this a whole lot more. Sitting inside the car, no gags or shackles. She felt a little icky but at least she had clean pants on and she felt warm and calm and… okay. Her eyes started falling shut with every street light they passed.

Nick noticed her head starting to bop as he'd kept his eyes on her ever since they got in the car. Fin noticed too and slid closer to her on the seat. He put their hands on the top of his leg and guided her down against his shoulder. Had she been awake she might've objected but she was more asleep than awake right now and the moment her head landed on his shoulder she was gone.

Liv had felt the shift in the back seat and took a deep breath feeling completely content at the moment.

**She slept all the way** home, didn't even wake up as the car stopped and tiny voices started to emerge around her. Liv tried to keep her voice quiet as she turned around to tell Fin to take as much time as they needed, there was no need to rush back to work. Fin wanted to know what would happen to Lucas and Liv let him know she would handle that and he wouldn't have to worry.

"I want him locked away for life," Fin said quietly but determent as he dug his eyes in to Liv.  
"That's what we all want, trust me to handle it okay?" she whispered firmly.

Fin did trust her but he knew he wouldn't be completely satisfied until he knew for sure this guy would never ever come close to his partner again. Fin's eyes turned slightly downwards, ending up on that pale nose rim that he knew intimately, those long eyelashes resting on what was usually fair skin but now was still colored by rashes made by mace sprayed in her eyes.

Nick's eyes had already been there and Liv's drifted there soon after Fin's. Minutes passed with them just staring at her as she slept peacefully against Fin's shoulder.

"If she caught us now she would have our heads," Liv finally whispered. Nick chuckled quietly as did Fin but he tried to keep it down to not wake her by repercussions in his body.

"I think you have to carry her, let me help," Liv said and as quietly as possible got out of the car. Liv opened the back door and carefully grabbed a hold of Amanda so Fin could slide out the other way. Nick was left a little at a loss in the driver's seat but he stayed put as he wasn't sure what he could do to help out right now.

Amanda suddenly stirred in Liv's hands and her eyes popped open.

"Hi," Liv whispered as she met the slightly confused blue eyes, "we're home."  
"Oh," Amanda whispered, even the tiny word giving away how clogged up her throat must be.  
"Fin can carry you," Liv said once Amanda did a failed attempt to sit up slightly.  
"No," Amanda croaked immediately and gave the second attempt a little more umphf.

Liv did her best to be of aid as Amanda staggered got out of the car. She was obviously sore all over. Fin had come around and took over Amanda's arm from Liv. They exchanged a glance that gave away what they thought of Amanda's stubbornness but at the same time both was relieved she was actually able to move around on her own even if it looked strenuous.

"Well, thanks…" Amanda mumbled keeping her head down.  
"No need to," Liv said and let her hand slide down Amanda's back a little as she kept moving away from the curb.

Fin held on to Amanda but looked back and cocked his head at Liv.

"Call me," Liv shouted as they reached the building.  
"Will," Fin shouted back and raised his hand as he pushed the door open with his other hand, "Night."

Liv sent them off with a wave and then watched them as they disappeared down the corridor behind the new glass door. She shut the back door and then jumped in to the passenger seat.

Nick raised his eye brows at her as she looked his way and then took a deep breath as he started the car back up.

They rode under silence for a while. She didn't really have to tell him where to drive, he would let her off at hers before he headed home to his own.

"You did really good today Nick," Liv said as they sat at a red light, no cars at all in sight which almost never happened in this city. He shot her a sideway glance.

"You did. Really good work," she said meeting his eyes with a soft and tired smile over her face.  
"You too," he repaid.  
"Nah, I dropped the ball a few times today but I'm lucky to have a supporting team around me when I do," she said and looked out ahead just as the lights turned green. Again the car got filled by silence for a while.

"If you need to talk though," she said and looked his way again, "I mean about all this, surely it brings back unpleasant memories for all of us so if you need to visit the department psychologist then go right ahead. I think I will. But my door is open too."

"Thanks," Nick said appreciatively as he maneuvered through the New York City night scene, "Think I have had enough with psychologists for a while though…"

Liv let out a chuckle.

"Yeah…" she breathed.  
"But your door… thanks," Nick added just to make sure she knew he was appreciative for that offer.

**She'd been determined** to have a shower even though she was barely able to keep her eyes open not to talk about how much effort it took just to get her feet over the threshold. But she insisted on a shower and he couldn't really blame her for wanting to rinse off after the ordeal. The fact she let him help out told him just how exhausted she was.

She let him undress her right there in the shower and then she just held on to the tiles as he washed her off. There was something sad but yet poetic about the way her fingers tried to dig in to the white tiles but the impossible task was made even more so by her fatigue. He was mesmerized by her hands against the tiles and the bare shoulder that rose and fell with every deep inhale in a similar way as he'd seen plenty of times as she was asleep by his side. He planted his soft lips on that shoulder before he reached for the showerhead.

He made sure the water was warm enough before he carefully started to wash her off, sliding his hand over her back to brush away her hair before the water jets trickled down her skin.

"Want the hair too?" he asked and smiled as she just tilted her head back as an answer.

He moved the showerhead carefully around her face making sure none of it went in her eyes. The redness around her eyes made him wonder if they maybe should rinse her eyes too though just as he'd been able to do hours ago.

"How's the eyes?" he asked. She mumbled some sort of response that he couldn't quite comprehend.  
"Want to rinse them out?" he asked and this time she nodded. He watched her blink her eyes under the warm water jet and was quick to remove the water the moment she folded her chin down. He let her spit some water out and watched her scrunch her nose up a few times as she squeezed her eyes shut. She used her hand to rub her eyes a little.

"Okay?" he asked with concern. Even though her face still looked pinched she nodded.  
"Enough or you want me to use shampoo?" he asked with the water just running down her back to keep her warm.  
"Shampoo," she croaked as she put both hands back on the tiles again.

He put the showerhead to the side for a while and got some shampoo that he carefully massaged in to her scalp making sure to take it easy over the bump in the back of her head. She seemed to really enjoy the massage though, close to him worrying she would fall asleep where she was standing.

"Soap?" he asked once he'd rinsed his hands from the shampoo but left it in her hair to let it soak a little. She nodded and he got some shower gel in his palms. He rubbed them together before he started to carefully soap her down starting with her shoulders and back that were most accessible to him. He reached around her next and went up and down her arms a few times before moving to the front of her neck and down her chest.

He tried to just swipe over her breasts swiftly and effortlessly but he couldn't disregard the slight tingle down his groin as he made contact with the perfectly shaped mounds that were all more alluring with the added smoothness of the soap. He found himself holding his breath as his hands moved down her toned stomach and he fought the urge to press himself up against her. It would not be appropriate at this time. He came around to her back again, let his hands go down her butt cheeks and then down the side of her legs as he hunched down behind her. He kept his eyes down on whatever his hands were doing as he just couldn't risk looking at what was right in front of him right now. His fingers went out on top of her feet all the way to her toes and back again.

Still hunched down he reached for some more shower gel, again controlling where his eyes landed as he repeated the procedure of rubbing his palms together. He placed his hands on her shins, went up over her knees and then down again. He remembered she'd told him she'd wet herself and he let his hands go around to the inside of her legs. He rose up at the same time as he let his hands go up on the inside of her legs. His aim had been to stop well before he reached a private area but even before he got there she gasped loudly as her head bounced up almost like she'd been asleep. Her hand slipped on the tiles and her feet started to drift on the slippery floor. He had to grab a hold of her to make sure she didn't trip and hurt herself but he had a hard time getting a good grip on her as his hands were just as slippery as the floor.

"I'm sorry," he whispered once he had a secure grip with one hand at her waist and the other one holding on to her arm. The gasp hadn't been one of delight, it had obviously been a nasty flashback to something happening to her. She shook her head close to intensively as to tell him he didn't have to apologize but he could feel how rigid her body was under his grip and he eased up a little. He grabbed the showerhead and started to rinse her off without touching her too much. He whispered at her to tilt her head back so he could rinse out her hair.

"Conditioner?" he asked but she shook her head.

He worried it was just so she could get out of the shower quicker but he tried to tell himself it might be cause she was simply tired. He got two towels, sloppily unfolded one of them and tossed it over her head with a smile hoping to ease the tension slightly. She looked mostly tired now though standing there completely bare in front of him with water dripping everywhere and her weak hand just pushed the towel back from her face a little to uncover a tired smile. He'd unfolded the other towel and wrapped it around her after she'd put her arms up as he'd told her. He rearranged the towel on her head a little and twisted her hair up in it down her back.

"You need one too," she whispered. He followed her weak gesture to his body and realized the front of him was damp. He just shrugged though.  
"You can help me dry up slightly," he said as he stepped in to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She enfolded her arms around his neck but was too tired to get her legs up around him so she just dangled in his arms as he picked her up. He used one hand to swipe her legs slightly to the side and held them there to be able to walk a little more steadily with the precious cargo.

He carefully put her down on her back in the middle of his bed. He helped her rearrange the towel around her hair so she could rest her head comfortably on the pillow. He'd climbed up on the bed with her, had his hip and elbow right next to her as he made sure she was still covered by the towel wrapped around her. She looked tiny, a bit vulnerable but comfortable once he was done checking her over. He let his finger move around her eyes and felt how rough her skin was.

"Let me," he said and reached for the lotion on the bed stand that he used for her back at times.  
"Can I?" he asked and she nodded slightly.

She closed her eyes as he tenderly and slowly applied some lotion over the sensitive skin around her eyes. He had barely started when a single tear trickled down the side of her face. She smiled awkwardly with her eyes still shut as she wiped it off. Before he was done many more tears had escaped the corner of her eyes and tiny pools started to form on either side of her nose. He put the lotion away and just watched her closed off face, eyes still shut and mouth trying to keep a faint smile to hide the fact she was obviously embarrassed and bothered about the tears. He was just a few inches from her face, she knew he was there and that she couldn't get away but she still kept her eyes shut. The entire rows of eyelashes were wet now, a steady stream of tears going down the side of her face.

"It's okay," he whispered and let his lips just brush by the soft skin on her chin. Her wet eyelashes fluttered a few times before her eyes finally popped open. She tried to avoid his gaze but it was impossible with the proximity and she tried to chuckle a little as she tried blinking the tears away. She didn't really want to wipe her eyes seeing how he'd just applied lotion there but she had to just wipe a little, the pools by her nose stinging her eyes a little.

"Don't mind me," she hoarsely whispered, still fighting to keep a smile on her face, "I'm just a… mess."

He smiled at her reference to the other night but wised up quickly.

"It's okay," he whispered again and kissed away a tear at the corner of her eye. He liked the taste of it and went back down to catch another one.  
"It's okay Amanda," he said once he came back up with her tear in his mouth, "What happened was really, _really_ scary."

He watched her intensely and this time she didn't shy away from his gaze or felt the need to try and keep the fake smile on her face.

"I was so scared," he admitted and felt tears prickle his eyes as well, "it felt just as last time. The things I was picturing him doing to…"

He couldn't say it but touched the side of her face instead. Swiped his fingers down from the rough skin by her eye to the soft one further down on her cheek and over her chin. He went back up and cupped the side of her face as he caught her eyes again.

"You be a mess, you have every right to," he said and she grabbed his wrist, the one by her face, and latched on with as much energy she had left in her right now as she let tears run freely.  
"To go through that _again. _No one should be put through that even once, let alone twice… brutal Amanda. Inhumane. I'd be more concern if you didn't cry."

He came even closer to her, raised his eyebrow as he nodded at her wanting to know she heard him and he knew once she started nodding too. He put his forehead against hers but she wrapped both her arms around him and forced him down on her so she could bury her face in the warmth of his neck. He spun them over slightly, both so he could get his arms properly around her but also so she wouldn't have to carry his weight.

He felt the warmth on his neck from her tears and he held her until her body started to relax a little. He kept her a little longer than he felt was necessary for her sake but more for selfish reasons. He rolled over with her still in his arms and put her back down on her back. He let her go carefully, immediately looking for her eyes as he separated himself from her. He smiled as she gave him a faint smile. Her tears seemed to have dried up and she was barely able to keep her eyes open.

"You want something to sleep in?" he asked caressing her cheek a little. It looked as though she tried to shake her head but nothing much happened.  
"…m fine," she mumbled.  
"Okay," he whispered smiling. He knew he shouldn't enjoy it as much right at this very moment with everything she'd been through but he loved seeing her at the brinks of sleep. She just had this completely serene look over her and he knew he could get the funniest answers out of her if he wanted too but right now he knew he had to let her sleep.

"I'm gonna go for a bit okay?" he whispered and she nodded just slightly.  
"Just shut things down, get out of these damp clothes, but then I'll be back okay," he whispered while watching her trying to keep her eyes open.  
"We're going to sleep for a long time. You'll be perfectly safe. Safe in your own bed, in your own home. No one's going to get you, you're perfectly safe."

Only her lips moved as she tried to repeat the word safe and she tried to keep her eyes open as Fin pulled himself away. She wanted to tell him to stay but she was just too tired. She knew he would be back though. _He wouldn't leave her. He'd be back. _

He hurried to make sure the door was locked and to turn off some of the lights. He made a quick stop in the bathroom and started to shed clothes on his way back to the bedroom. Just as expected though she had already fallen in to a deep sleep as he climbed in to the bed next to her. He pulled the sheet up over both of them and then made as little disturbance as possible in the bed as he tried to find a comfortable spot as close to her as possible. He was happy her head had tilted slightly to his side so he could lay there watching her for a while. He was tired too but he wouldn't be able to get to sleep if he couldn't watch her for a while longer.

She was snoozing comfortably, her nostrils widening slightly more with a breath every now and then. She was awfully cute even with her panda eyes and all wrapped up in white. Her hand was resting on her chest, moving up and down with every breath. He didn't like the redness all over her hand caused by the tape and he spotted two broken nails. He felt a shiver when he couldn't help but think about possible ways she'd broken them. _Scratching from the inside of that trunk? Fighting Lucas as she'd been maced? Fighting him as she was put in that trunk?_

He tried to take a deep breath and push the thoughts out. He would ask her in the morning if he could file the rough edges down so she wouldn't scratch herself. She would probably say no but then he would make sure she did it herself then. He didn't want to see another graze on her skin for ages now. Enough of psychos and trunks and deadly situations. They would just move as far away from this ordeal as possible and things would get better again. Yeah things would get better he thought to himself as he traced her face with his eyes just moments before he fell asleep right next to her.

"**She's still sleeping," Fin** whispered a little astonished in to the phone where he stood peeking in through the half shut door to the bedroom. Amanda was all sprawled out on the bed. Lying a little sideways her arms were upright in front of her face, neck extended long and gracious. Her hair all spread out on the sheet as she'd slid away from the pillow. He'd removed the towel that had been around her hair as they fell asleep, it had been up by the headboard when he woke up. She'd wriggled out of the towel that was around her as well but it had been stuck down there under the sheet and partly underneath her so he'd let it be to not disturb her sleep. She had the sheet wrapped around her torso, clinging to her breasts in a very sensual way. The sheet draped her extended body, her feet peeking out at the bottom. She looked more than comfortable.

"Well she had a rough yesterday, and night," Liv said on the other line and made him reluctantly tear his eyes off her to decline down towards the kitchen where he'd been when Liv first called and where he'd occupied himself while waiting for Amanda to wake up.

"How was her sleep? She hasn't been disturbed by nightmares?" Liv asked hoping that wasn't the reason why the detective still slept well past noon.  
"No," Fin said frankly, still with a bit of amazement to his voice, "She's slept like a log, didn't wake up once. She hasn't slept like this since… well a long time," he said changing his mind as he realized he was probably already given out intimate details about their sleeping arrangements.

"Well that's only good," Liv said and meant it.

She was pleased to hear Amanda had gotten a good night's sleep. Hers hadn't. She'd been dead tired and fallen asleep the second her head hit the pillow but then she kept waking up with a gasp and a horrible feeling Amanda was still missing. She'd reached out on the bed hoping to find that certain someone she like to grab on to when sleep eluded her but she had to settle with his pillow as she remembered he was sleeping at his own place tonight because of reasons.

She didn't feel rested at all when her alarm went off at eight which perhaps wasn't surprising as she hadn't hit the pillow until past 3 am. She awarded herself a bath, although a brief one, before she got ready and headed towards the station. She was a little pleased to not find Nick at his desk yet, it would be better if at least some of them were rested.

The reason she'd been in this morning was because she wanted to get in touch with someone as soon as possible. There was only one person she trusted enough with the safety of her detective and to make sure Lucas Tilley wasn't a threat to her. Liv felt really happy as doctor George Huang let her know he could be at the station around 1 pm to do an initial analysis on Lucas.

Liv had also made arrangements with the Clarkson's to come in at 10. They had called in the midst of everything yesterday but as they were planning on going home the following day Liv had figured another detective at the station could at least take their statement in case her squad couldn't be there. She was very grateful she was able to be there though.

Nick had made it in to the station by the time Jonas, Pat and Phoebe Clarkson came in so they both sat down with the somber but somewhat relieved family. They all came across just as drained as Liv and Nick were feeling. Phoebe looked a little wide-eyed and nervous, her hair in a different color than the photos they'd seen of her and with a sense of even more maturity wedged on her face.

"How are you doing Phoebe?" Liv started with as they were all seated in the interview room, the Clarkson's turning down any drinks offered to them. Phoebe shot her mother an anxious look and Pat's arm, which was already around her daughter, tighten slightly as to give her encouragement. The father Jonas had chosen to take a seat over at the couch, away from the table the rest of them were gathered around.

"F-fine," Phoebe answered once she met Liv's eyes again.  
"You sure about that?" Liv asked tilting her head slightly. Phoebe nodded but there was a shiver on her lower lip.

"I just want to go home," she said and looked as though she was fighting tears.  
"You're going to get home in just a little while sweetie, we just need you to answer a few questions first okay?"

Phoebe nodded a bit reluctantly as she seemed to lean even more against her mother.

"So you want to tell us what happened when you came to New York?" Liv asked. Phoebe took a deep breath before she answered.  
"I just wanted to try out acting, that's all," she started, "Everyone back home says I'm so good at it. I thought I was a shoe in. And I've dreamt of Broadway since… since forever."  
"She has," Pat chipped in with a weak smile.

"But it wasn't that easy when you came here all on your own, you and Tasmin?" Liv questioned. Phoebe shook her head.  
"And then I got in this stupid fight with Tasmin, over a boy," Phoebe moaned at her own stupidity and rolled her eyes in a way that made Liv's thoughts go to Amanda for far from the first time today.

Phoebe told them about how Tasmin had left but she'd wanted to stay put and about Angus and then Max. How she'd met all these cool people that all just invited her in with open arms but she started to realize they had all gone there with the same dream as her but now they were working crummy jobs just to make ends meet. Phoebe wasn't ready to give up though. But then the castings had turned a little shady and slowly she'd started nipping at her own morals.

Nick noticed Jonas starting to stir a little on the couch, he was obviously uncomfortable listening to this part of the story as his daughter had started to degrade herself slightly.

"Is this when you met Jason and Marion?" Liv asked and immediately sensed Phoebe tensing up.

Pat must've felt it too as she looked a little worried again and hugged her daughter even more tightly for a while.

"I don't know who you're talking about," Phoebe tried but was obviously lying which made Nick doubt just how good of an actress she really was.  
"Analeigh told us about Jason and Marion, Phoebe, you don't have to lie to us," Liv said kindly.

Phoebe stayed quiet though, her eyes down on the table between them.

"Okay, let's go back to them later," Liv said sensing a roadblock, "What about Anton, Andrew and Chou-Chou?"  
"I want to go home mommy," Phoebe immediately said turning to her mother. Pat caressed her daughter's hair and then looked distraught Liv's way.

"We have to know all this, Phoebe will have to tell us before we let you go," Liv said decisively. Pat looked back on her daughter.  
"Just tell them Phoebs, and then we can go home," Pat said even though her daughter was shaking her head.

"You don't have to be scared Phoebe," Liv said and got the girl's attention, "They won't hurt you if that's what you're afraid off, we won't let them."  
"They are not nice people," Phoebe said quietly.  
"We know that, you want to tell us what happened at Chou-Chou," Liv asked. For some reason she wanted to deal with Anton first, if they could nail him it would be an added bonus after these last couple of stressful days.

"I lied, I had a fake driver's license, I won't tell you who got it for me though," Phoebe said, adding that last part quickly. Liv just shook her head, they weren't after that person.  
"I really didn't want to dance there but serving was fine. The tip was good but the customers got a little…," she nervously glanced over at her dad, "handsy."  
"I got a little used to it though, it was just for a couple of days and I mean they seemed to… like me, but then I heard this girl say something about another underaged girl getting caught lying and Anton had bashed her face in. I got so scared and I don't know, Andy seemed a lot nicer so I told him. I thought if I was just honest you know maybe they could get me another job? He got so angry though."

Phoebe buried her face in her mother's embrace for a while.

"What happened Phoebe?" Liv finally had to ask hoping she wasn't pushing too hard.  
"He got really angry, like grabbed my hair, called me a bitch. Then he locked me in Anton's office. I've heard nothing good happens in there."  
"What have you heard happens in there?" Liv asked intrigued. Phoebe shrugged.  
"I don't know, they just said _nothing good happens in there_ and to not go there if I don't have to," Phoebe answered unwittingly.  
"Who said that?"  
"Some of the girls, the ones working you know," Phoebe said with another shrug.  
"What else did you hear about Anton?" Nick asked wanting to get dirt on Anton.  
"His dad was this major thug, like everyone was scared of him and like Anton tries to be like him but doesn't really have like the influence so he's a bully instead and like intimidate people just to get power but like his dad was killed in this brutal way so I don't know why he would want to be like his dad, like dead or what?"

"Do you know how he intimidates people?" Nick asked but Phoebe shook her head.  
"Did you see or hear him doing anything illegal while you were there?" Liv asked.  
"No not really, he like never touched me, didn't seem to like me," Phoebe said.  
"Why do you think that?" Liv asked.  
"He told me, in the office, when he finally came. He said I was lucky I wasn't his type. I don't know what he meant by that though."

"So what happened?"  
"Andy held my arms and Anton was like in my face and told me to never mention that I had ever been there and that if I did they would find me and my family and we would all just be gone," Phoebe's lip shivered again.  
"And then what?"  
"Then he had Andy drive me back to Marion's," Phoebe said simply.  
"To Marion's?"  
"Yeah," Phoebe said a little hesitant.  
"Okay you have to tell us about Jason and Marion, Phoebe," Liv said a little impatiently.  
"They are not nice people either," Phoebe said and then went on to tell them what she knew about them.

She could give them a rather good description, estimated they were in their thirties, she had thought Marion was younger but then while fighting one day Jason had yelled something about her not acting like a kid as she couldn't pass as one any longer, that she wasn't even in her twenties any longer and was just a has-been. Phoebe had a few locations where she'd met the couple and shabby hotels where they'd let her sleep at times.

Phoebe had thought Marion was really sweet at first, a very kind person and Jason too even though he had something shady in his eyes when he thought you weren't looking at him. But he'd turned ugly quickly as it got obvious Phoebe didn't look young enough for their kind of business, even when dressed as a school girl Jason had said she looked too old for any of their clients to like her.

Marion said they could just toss her to the street but that she would be nice to Phoebe because she liked her, she reminded her of a sister she'd once had. So she set her up with some adult dancing jobs and that's how she'd ended up at Chou-Chou. When Andy took her back Marion had wanted nothing to do with her though and Jason had done something really nasty to Phoebe.

Marion had tried to push drugs on her earlier but she'd refused. Now though Marion pushed a needle in her arm as Jason held her down. When she woke up after a bad trip she'd been in a squatter's house. She'd stayed there for some time just scared she had contracted aids or something from the needle but again she had found herself surrounded by, yes poor and filthy, but still very kind people that just tried to get by day by day. Phoebe had figured she would just stay there for a bit to sober up and to shape up a little before she went back home.

She'd been too embarrassed to call her mom after everything started to go south but she'd written postcard for her parents that Marion had promised to post for her. She had no idea her parents were looking for her until she saw a missing child poster of herself on a lamppost and that's when she'd called her mom.

Liv and Nick made sure they had everything Phoebe knew about Jason and Marion and they also had her identify them on previously drawn up sketches. When they thought they had everything they needed there was just one more thing Liv wanted to follow up on.

"You said Andy drove you from Chou-Chou _back_ to Marion's. Does that mean Anton and Andy knew that's where you came from?"  
"Yeah they knew both Jason and Marion, I could tell on their faces as I mentioned them," Phoebe said, "Andy knew where to drive me and he and Marion went outside to argue. I don't know what happened but Marion was really pissed when she came back in. And I know Anton knew about their business cause I saw him once at their place, he was sitting in a chair with a very young girl on his lap. She couldn't have been more than twelve. Blonde."

Liv thanked Phoebe so much for talking to them and being so brave. She send them off saying Phoebe was welcomed back to New York but hopefully not until she was old enough to be in a bar and maybe after she'd taken drama at college. Phoebe seemed reluctant to become an actor but Liv begged her not to give up on her dream just yet.

Nick was excited about everything they'd gotten on Jason and Marion, and also the small tidbits they'd gotten on Anton. He thought surely that was enough to bring the scumbag in again. Liv said to hold off on that though, Amanda didn't need that one around the stationhouse right now. For now she just asked Nick to make sure the information about Jason and Marion got in the right hands. That was clearly two people they needed to get off the street yesterday.

**When Liv hadn't heard** anything from Fin even as they sent the Clarkson's off she'd sent him a text hoping he hadn't brought the phone in to the bedroom in case they were still sleeping. He had replied rather rapidly via text, let her know things were good at their end but that A was still sleeping. She'd hoped to talk to him but didn't feel like disturbing so she'd held off until after lunch to call. As Huang was probably in the neighborhood she decided to put in a call though as she wasn't sure for how long they'd be stuck with Lucas.

She was pleased to learn Amanda was resting peacefully and had been doing so since they got home in the middle of the night. Fin seemed a little restless but had no problem staying home for the day if it meant he could watch over his partner. She let him know the plan, to have Huang assess Lucas to begin with so they knew what kind of level of madness they were dealing with. Fin made her promise not to do anything that could get Lucas to get off easier.

Seeing George again was a well needed boost during these hectic and frightening days. He'd always had this way of making her feel calm and she needed that right now. The good kind of calm, not just the dead tired calm. He managed to check up on her during a short visit to her office where she also gave him a little more detail about the past couple of weeks and what they had found out about Lucas Tilley so far. It seemed as though Lucas had seen numerous psychologist but so far they hadn't received any journals form the family so George would go in close to blind.

He just winked at her, said SVU had sent him in with less than that and he still had managed to come out with something. Liv watched most of the conversation George had with Lucas except for a few minutes as a call from 1PP forced her to step away. Nick stayed by her side for the most parts of the over an hour long interview and Keith dropped by from time to time but seemed too crept out to listen for longer periods to Lucas excuses.

When George finally said goodbye to Lucas and stepped back in to Liv's office for a one-on-one Liv just wanted to know one thing.

"Is your opinion that he is dangerous for my detective?"

She'd met enough sickos, freaks and clinically demented people over the years to have formed a bit of an opinion already but she trusted George more than she trusted herself in this case, she just couldn't be unbiased this time.

"Nothing but the truth right," he said crossing his legs as he leaned back on her couch. He didn't wait or expect an answer but just gave her that intense stare before he got started.  
"It's my qualified belief he is _not_ a danger to your detective."

Liv waited for something else but George stayed quiet.

"But he watched her, he sent threatening texts, throw a rock at her door, he kidnapped her…" Liv said a bit distressed.  
"You were watching right? You heard everything I heard," George said, again not expecting an answer as he already knew.  
"You heard him, he was rejected by his mother, he didn't feel loved by his grandparents, his grandfather executing some, to say the least, strange punishments. Then all of a sudden, at a very vulnerable age mom and stepdad wants to play happy family but Lucas feels out of place, different. He never really fit it. He's sent to gay-rehab at 9? What was that psychologist stepfather thinking," George said shaking his head.

"I'm not excusing him, you know that, but he's longed for a father figure his whole life. His grandfather will never be capable of being that person and his stepfather failed him. I suspect he molested his brother more to get the attention than of any homosexual tendencies. It backfired but again he tried. He duped his mother to get close to that father figure again, unfortunately that meant crossing path with Simon. He identified with Simon, the lack of a loving father, feeling and being told by his mother he was different from everyone else. Lucas took that to heart. He also saw how much Simon meant to his stepfather, how in awe he was of him and Lucas envied that. You heard him say it, he thought becoming Simon would make Aaron see him again. Make him love him. He target Amanda cause she was Simon's… victim. Through Simon he felt as though he knew her, she was safe. It made him dare to approach her. It gave him something to do. He got obsessed but I don't think he would've ever dared to go through with it. He wouldn't have hurt her."

"He _did_ hurt her," Liv answered immediately getting animated with her hands quickly, "He tormented her for weeks, made old wounds resurface. He maced her, knocked her over the head and kept her locked in a trunk for hours. You've seen the photos, of the reconstruction of Simon's bunker. The knives, snake, rope, sacrificing table…"

"I won't argue with you Olivia," George said calmly, "of course you are right he did inflict pain on her but as for the bunker… he had the time Olivia but he couldn't bring her down there. Everything was set up, he had her subdued, no one was around but he just couldn't bring himself to do it."

"But she could've died in that trunk had he left her long enough, for all he knew she could've already been dead in there," Liv said defiant.  
"You're right," George said just meeting her obstinate gaze. Liv sighed and looked away trying to gather her emotions.

"Okay so he's not a danger to her but still…"  
"He kidnapped a cop Olivia, maced two of them, set up a torture chamber, he's not going to walk the streets for years and you know that."  
"I just don't want her to feel unsafe… again," Liv moaned.  
"There's no dead or tortured animals in his past Olivia. He's a closeted homosexual that's felt out of place his entire life, misunderstood and constantly turned away. I am actually surprised he's not worse off."  
"Don't say that, he molested his baby brother, kidnapped my detective," Liv pointed out.  
"Touché," George smiled. Liv huffed slightly as she looked down on her hands in her lap.

"How is your detective doing?" George asked as he felt she had a need to talk.  
"Sleeping," she said looking up again. She shot him a smile.  
"I just talked to Fin before you got here, they are roommates…" Liv tried to explain without making it too complicated, "She was still wiped out. She was probably terrified the entire time in that trunk, imagining she would have to endure, relive, that trauma two years ago. Just horrible…" Liv shook her head at the horrendous thought.  
"I never got the chance to talk to her back then, you want me to talk to her now?"

Liv watched him closely.

"You want a chance to analyze her right," Liv said with a slight grin, "She fascinates you."

George smiled feeling a little busted.

"All minds fascinates me," he tried but couldn't put it past her.  
"But this one in particular, I don't blame you," Liv smiled, "at times I can't even understand how she's able to function after everything she went through."  
"The survival instinct, how can you not be intrigued? I will admit I'm curios at her but I also want to help out if I can, SVU will always have a special place in my heart so if I can be of any help…"  
"Well you already have George, as for Amanda… I'll mention you but I can't give you any promises, from what I know it was hard for Cragen to get her to see doctor Olivet but I do think she's actually at least somewhat fond of going there now and with this new… trauma, I just don't want to add to her stress levels."  
"Of course not," he said sympathetic.

"What?" Liv asked seeing how he was staring at her.  
"No," he said smiling slyly, "it's just nice seeing you… in charge. I always knew you had it in you, to be a good boss I mean."  
"Oh stop," Liv said stirring a little. George snickered silently.

**When another couple** of hours had passed and she was still sleeping heavily he started to worry a little. _What if the head wound was more severe than the paramedics had thought?_ He hadn't been able to give her fluids like they told him to. _What if she was dehydrated? What if she would never wake up?_

He used refreshing the water he'd left on the bed stand hours earlier as an excuse to check on her again. She'd moved slightly on the bed, rolled over on her stomach, so he knew at least she wasn't dead. He figured maybe he should let her sleep but he felt a need to make sure she was okay so he sat down, started playing around a little with her hair, pushing strands of it around on the sheet. After a while he dared to brush a few strands away from her face so he could see more of her. The skin around her hands looked better now, as pale as the rest of her.

"Amanda?" he finally whispered as he swept the back of his hand over the cheek he'd exposed.  
"Amanda," he repeated just a little louder as he traced her eyebrow with his finger.

He saw her eye move underneath the eyelid but she seemed to be deep in dreamland still so he said her name again. It took a fourth attempt and stroking the side of her head a little more firmly to pull her awake. Her eyelashes started fluttering as she stirred slightly, a low displeased murmur escaping her as she pulled her legs and arms to her.

"Hey," he whispered with a smile once he finally got a brief look at her blues.  
"Huh," she mumbled as her eyes fell shut again.  
"You okay?" he asked stroking her exposed shoulder a bit. She made another incomprehensible sound as she curled up like a cat before relaxing down on the bed again.

"What time is it?" she croaked without opening up her eyes.  
"It's close to five," he let her know.  
"In the morning?" she asked frowning.  
"No closing in on night time."  
"Huh?" she mumbled peeking up at him with her one eye. He nodded at her.

"How long have I been asleep?" she asked trying to get her elbow on the bed but failed to keep herself up for more than a second.  
"Going on 15 hours," he said and stroked back some hair that had fell down over her face again.  
"You sure? Doesn't feel like it," she moaned.  
"Oh I'm sure," he said but chose to leave out the part about being both bored and worried sick about her.

She remained still on the bed, eyes falling shut again and her breathing thinning out.

"You should drink something," he said rubbing his fingers in her hair, "medic told me to keep you hydrated."  
"Okay," she mumbled and he reached for the glass.  
"Want me to help you up?" he asked but she shook her head against the bed and then started to make attempts to get up.

After about three proper attempts she was finally upright, pulling the sheet up against her bare chest. Her eyes were still more shut then open but with him there to help her with the glass she really didn't need her sight. She took a few deep gulps but when he thought she was done and removed the glass slightly from her lips she reached for it and then finished the entire glass.

"You want me to get you another one?" he asked happy she was drinking. She shook her head a bit.  
"Can't I just sleep," she whined.  
"Yeah sure," he said but a bit disappointed, "medic said sleep, fluids and nutrition. Want me to get you something light to eat?"  
"No, please," she said slumping back down on the bed pulling the sheet up over her face. He smiled but his concerned face bounced back quickly.

"Hey," he whispered and climbed up on the bed next to her tugging at the sheet slightly. She'd already lost hold of it so he managed to expose her face easily and he leaned his head in his hand as he put his elbow right next to her. He watched her for a bit, she looked very peaceful balancing that fine line of falling back to sleep.

"I just need to know you're feeling okay," he said caressing her face a bit to keep her there for a few more seconds. She mumbled something incoherent.  
"Care to elaborate," he asked with a subdued chuckle underneath. He traced her faint smile with his fingers and then went back down to the middle of her lip separating her lips slightly. He felt her warm breath over his fingertip and it made him feel good all over.

"I'm okay," she whispered with her eyes still closed.  
"You're not just saying that to please me or so I'll let you go back to sleep?" he asked amused.  
"Yes," she mumbled and this time he couldn't stop the chuckles from erupting. She moaned at the bed shaking but couldn't hide the smile that spread over her face. She loved that deep rumble of his.

"I promise, I'm okay, just tired," she said once he'd settled down next to her. She felt him trace her eyebrow, it tickled slightly but she was too tired to even frown.  
"Will you just hold me for a while," she said rolling away from him so the tickling would stop but also because she really wanted to feel his arms around her.

"Of course," he said sliding in behind her. She grabbed his hand as his arm came over her and she brought it close to her mouth as she curled up comfortably in to him. She put her lips against the rough area on the back of his hand and then brought it in underneath her cheek. He put his other arm on top of the pillow above her head and pressed his body closer to hers. He buried his face in her hair and took a deep breath of her.

It didn't take long before he felt her body drift back to sleep. He wasn't worried any longer and he stayed there for a while just feeling and listening to her calm breathing. In that very moment everything felt alright in the world.

**She would sleep for** another few hours, waking up first as the sun was setting. He'd spent most of the day in front of the TV, zapping through daytime TV or playing video games so he was happy for the company. One of the first things she said after waking up was that she was starving. Fin had been eating out of the fridge the entire day and didn't mind a proper meal.

It wasn't just the food he would enjoy, he also really relished the time they spent in the kitchen throwing together the meal. She was energetic, talkative, felt starved of both food as well as company. At one point he looked over at her eagerly checking how the chicken breasts were doing in the oven while talking nonstop and he saw the Amanda from years ago, the pre-Simon Amanda. The thought made him both happy and a bit anxious. _What if it was just temporary? A temporary euphoric phase brought on by surviving yet again? Would she crash when it passed?_

She brought him out of his worried thoughts by suddenly sticking a finger in his side asking how those vegetables he had in a wok were coming along. He gave her an affectionate gibe as an answer and they kept their playful banter through the rest of the preparations. Once the food was on their plates though she didn't have time to talk as she started to stuff her face the moment they sat down at the kitchen counter. He enjoyed seeing her eat like this and didn't mind at all as she stole some things from his plate as well. He figured he owed her plenty after all.

After dinner she offered to take care of the dishes and told him to plant himself on the couch, she kept talking to him though and he did his best to keep up with the ever changing topics. The gnawing thoughts from earlier made a reappearance but got interrupted as she joined him on the couch, placing herself really close to him. He lost focus on the TV as well as her arm snaked around his neck and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

He was drifting asleep ever so often but then she suddenly left his side and he immediately sat up on the couch.

"Where you going?" he asked.  
"Well, I…" she started, looking a little mischievous, "…thought I'd go for a run."  
"Now?" he asked looking over at the clock at the TV.  
"Why not? It's not like I have to worry about… well someone watching me," she said.  
"You forgetting about the rest of the weirdos in the city," he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"I can handle the normal weirdos," she said with a chuckle and continued down the corridor.

He got up out of the couch with a heavy sigh. He wasn't fond of this idea of hers but he wasn't sure how to talk her out of it, or if he even had a right to. He'd come up with an idea as he reach the door to her room. She was tossing running clothes out of her closet as he entered.

"Okay, let me drive you to the track then, you can run how many laps you want," he said catching a tee in the air.  
"You don't have to babysit me anymore," came her voice from inside the closet. He picked up the rest of her clothes that she'd tossed out on the floor and walked them over to the bed.  
"I've been stuck in here all day too, so I wouldn't mind the fresh air," he said when she came walking out.

She gave him a scrutinizing look, trying to figure out if he was being honest or if it was just a trick to keep an eye on her.

"Okay, you can come," she said as she pulled her top over her head and tossed it on the bed. She took the sports bra he was holding out to her and she rolled her eyes but with a smirk on her face as his eyes shifted up and down from her chest to her eyes.

"Heat up the engine nothing else," she said mockingly as she turned her back to him.

He'd sit on that hard wooden bench watching her run lap after lap with what seemed as a never ending energy. He was starting to think he would have to put an end to it or she'd wear the soles of her running shoes but then she suddenly stopped. She was dripping sweat but still managed to look absolutely ravishing as he handed her the water bottle.

"Please don't tell my you're going back out there?" he asked after having failed to hide a yawn. She smirked at him.  
"Don't worry grandpa, I'll let you take me home so you can take your nap," she mocked and he shoved her playfully as they started walking back towards the car.

He was a little afraid though that he would fall asleep before her but after her shower he could tell she was fading fast and by 1 am she was fast asleep again, him drifting asleep right next to her.

**Liv had let Fin know** that they were in no hurry to come in to the station and she could come over to take Amanda's statement if it suited her better. That's why Liv, as well as Nick and Keith, were a little surprised to see them walking in at around 10 the following day. Nick felt like giving Amanda a hug, relieved to see her doing so well at least on the outside, but settled with squeezing her arm.

Liv came out of her office the minute she spotted them and she wasn't shy and gave Amanda a hug as soon as she reached them.

"Heard you slept like a log yesterday," Liv said casually.  
"Yeah, I…" Amanda shrugged a little embarrassed wiping a lose strand of hair behind her ear.  
"Don't blame you after that ordeal," Liv said quickly to help her out.

"Well, thanks for… finding me," Amanda said a little awkwardly but did her best to look the others in the eyes.  
"Oh no need," Nick said quickly and again touched her arm slightly.  
"So," Liv said to break the silence that followed, "you want to get the bureaucracy over with? I've cleared it with 1PP and they are okay with me taking your statement if you don't prefer someone else of course?"

Amanda shook her head.

"Okay, good. Is it okay if we do it in my office or do you prefer…" Liv gestured a little in the air.  
"Your office is fine," Amanda said.  
"Well okay then, guys get to work," Liv said with a smile and took lead in to her office.

Fin, Nick and Keith were left spying after them though.

"She really okay?" Nick asked once Liv had closed the door behind them.  
"Yeah," Fin answered, "better than okay actually."  
"Must be such a relief to get that creep of her neck, I hope they lock him up and throw away the key," Keith said as he returned to his desk.

"Do you know?" Fin asked looking at Nick. Nick didn't get the question though and raised his eyebrows.  
"Lucas. They are going to lock him up right?"  
"Uhm," Nick said a bit hesitant not sure what to say, "you know George Huang was in right?"

Fin nodded.

"Well apparently he doesn't think Lucas' a threat to her," Nick answered and hurried to continue as he saw Fin's face clouding over, "That he was doing it to get his stepfather's attention. Or love or something like that. He wasn't going to hurt her, I mean more than he did, or that's what Huang said. Lucas won't walk away though, what he did is enough to lock him up for a good while."  
"Well they better cause if I see that guy walking free…" Fin left it at that.

"**Oh I forgot to ask, you** want some water or something?" Liv said before she sat down behind her desk. She'd given Amanda the option of the couch but she'd seemed more comfortable with the desk between them.

"I'm fine, Fin's been pushing water on me I might leak if you put a needle through my skin," Amanda said from her chair across from Liv. Liv chuckled.  
"Well that's only good, you were really dehydrated," Liv said getting a pen and paper ready. Amanda wasn't sure what to say and just stayed quiet. Liv linked her hands underneath her chin and watched her for a few seconds.

"Are you sure you're doing okay? What happened Amanda was… scary, for all of us but obviously mainly for you," Liv said carefully.

Amanda shrugged a little trying to give Liv a smile but it felt fake and she knew she wasn't doing a good job of convincing Liv as she had trouble meeting her superior's eyes.

"I'm really… okay, like… lucky nothing really bad happened," Amanda said and tried to not squirm around too much. She tried but couldn't really hold Liv's gaze.  
"So you want to tell me what happened," Liv said so they wouldn't sit in silence for long, "I'm going to record it okay?"

Amanda nodded, she knew it was procedure and not much either one of them could do about it.

"Where do I start? I guess Fin's told you how we ended up there…"  
"Just give me some layout," Liv asked.  
"Okay so we got a call through dispatch, a woman claiming to have been raped had come in to the emergency room and asked to talk to a female detective. When we got there she'd already left though. There was only a name and address on the journal, no social security number or anything. She'd refused any kind of examination. We decided to check out her address. The front door was unlocked I guess and we could just walk… well I guess he made us walk straight in to the trap right," Amanda said with a shrug and an awkward smile on her face.

Back in that trunk she hadn't really thought about how she ended up there. At least not the immediate reason. She'd thought about everything else though. About her sister, about her dying, about grief and everything that had led her to Simon.

"You couldn't have known he would go to such lengths," Liv said pulling her out of her thoughts.  
"Still…" Amanda whispered.

Liv wasn't sure what she could say right now to ease Amanda's guilt. If that's what she was feeling, Liv wasn't sure though, she had some trouble reading the detective right now.

"Her, Patty Jenkins' I mean, her apartment was on the ground floor, I knocked, a couple of times. It sounded… vacant though."  
"It was," Liv let her know, "it was being sanitized after a small fire."

Amanda nodded.

"Fin heard someone come down the stairs and went back out to see if he was willing to talk to us. He had a hoodie on, jeans, a beanie, or maybe I don't have to get in to that?"

Liv shook her head.

"We have him. Fin picked him out from a photo lineup and we have photos of him driving the car we found you in, so there's no doubt we have him," Liv smiled at her. Amanda nodded and took a deep breath.

"Okay so Fin talked to him, I asked him if he knew Jenkins he said no but… the way he looked at me, it was just something… I didn't like, I guess but then he said he could take us to the super, he might know Jenkins and… when he passed me I… smelled bleach," Amanda felt a shiver down her spine that she hoped went unnoticed by Liv. She sat up in her chair a little to give a better appearance to her boss.

"Bleach?" Liv questioned.  
"I dunno, could've been something else but… I got a little distracted, fell behind but then they waited for me down the hall and the next thing I see is Fin getting sprayed with mace, I mean I figured it was mace, and I grabbed for my gun but then my eyes started to burn as well. I didn't realize I had been maced too and it didn't matter I closed my eyes, it was too late. I heard Fin gasping but I could feel him coming for me and I tried to fight him but my eyes were really hurting and I don't know but it fucked up my hearing too and after I'd lost contact with the wall something hit me in the back of the head and then… I could feel myself falling but I don't remember hitting the ground."

Amanda had to stop to catch some air and she gave Liv a nervous look.

"Take your time," Liv said patiently.  
"I'm fine," Amanda answered too quickly and scolded herself silently for not doing a better job to cover up her slightly rattled state.  
"What's the next thing you remember?"  
"The sound of a car moving, like the tires against a road. I felt sleepy so it took me a while to… get grips on the situation but I realized I was tied. Both hands and feet. I don't remember that happening. And I was gaged. My eyes hurt and I had trouble opening them up but I could tell it was dark and I had already figured out, from like feeling my way around as best I could, that I was in a trunk of a car. I don't remember being placed there."

Amanda took a deep breath but then hurried to go on.

"And we just drove, made a short stop ant I heard his door open and then close but he never came around to the trunk. He came back and then took off. We drove for what felt like forever. We made one quick stop but I didn't hear him leave the car but he was playing his music rather loud so I might've missed him getting out. But I don't think so, it was just such a short stop. Then we reached a bumpy road, and then it got even bumpier before we came to a stop. He got out, then got back in and just drove a few yards before he parked for good. And then he left, I heard a door or doors closing and then nothing. Until you came."

Liv nodded while watching Amanda as she again tried to sit up in her chair. Liv looked down briefly to scribble something on her pad but then looked back up at Amanda.

"Okay," Liv said picking with her pen on the pad a little.  
"So he never opened up the trunk?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"He never made any contact with you after you woke up in the trunk?" Liv asked but this time Amanda looked a little uncertain. She cleared her throat a little.  
"Well he… shouted at me at one point, I dunno if that's _making contact_ or not," Amanda said a little insecure.  
"When did he shout at you?" Liv asked.  
"Well at that first stop we made, or like afterwards as we'd taken off."  
"What did he shout?"  
"To… shut up," Amanda let her know a little reluctantly.  
"Why did he shout at you to shut up?"  
"Well… I guess I'd been… screaming maybe."

Amanda couldn't look at Liv as she felt so embarrassed and instead was scratching at a piece of raw skin on her hand from the duct tape. Liv looked down at her notes. Her sparse notes. She had already figure there were bits missing.

"Amanda can we… just go back over your account, maybe fill in some gaps?" Liv finally asked. Amanda looked up, tried to look a little uncomprehending but couldn't really say anything.

"When you came to in the trunk," Liv said trying to help her along, "did you try to get out? Maybe scream for someone to help you?"

Amanda cleared her throat again and tried to pretend she was thinking when she really felt completely blank inside.

"Yeah…" she finally said, "I mean of course I tried to get the trunk open but I couldn't do much with my hands taped like that."  
"How did you try?" Liv asked and Amanda looked a little bothered by the question.  
"I tried the lock. Tried my knees against the trunk. I dunno what to tell you? What you wanted me to do?"

"Amanda," Liv said calmly trying to derail the hostility building up in the office.  
"You know we have to go through this, and it's not to put any blame on you. Absolutely not. Whatever you did or didn't do in that situation, no one will blame you. _I_ will certainly not blame you," Liv said with emphasis on every word and took a short pause to let Amanda take her words in.

"We can never predict how we will react in a situation like that and the most important thing is that you're sitting here right now, alive. That's what's important Amanda. You did what you had to do to survive and as your boss, and friend, I could not be any more proud of you for that."

Amanda seemed even more bothered by the compliment but Liv could take that more easily than the hostility.

"I like to think that you already know how relieved and happy we are to have you back and for you to have this man off your back. But we all also realize what an ordeal that was for you. And you know why we have these sitdowns. Yes to get the statement on paper but also for you to talk about what you've been through. It's necessary to talk about it Amanda."  
"I know," Amanda answered quickly just to get off the topic. Liv let her have a little time.

"You ready to go over it from the start again?" she finally asked and Amanda nodded.  
"I… once I'd tried the lock but couldn't open up the trunk I felt my way around for… maybe some weapon for when he came for me," Amanda swallowed hard as she looked up at Liv. Liv gave her an encouraging nod to go on.

Amanda went on to tell her about the first stop they've made. How she'd heard him open and close the door and waited for him to come back to the trunk. But when he didn't come around she'd started screaming and banging the trunk with her feet. She'd tried banging her hands too but the way they were taped made it tricky, she ended up just hurting herself when trying to use them so she'd focused on her legs instead. She was able to make a louder sound with her feet as well so it was better on more accounts than one. He'd come rushing back to the car and took off in high speed. She'd kept screaming, thinking maybe someone was coming after them and she cared very little about him screaming for her to shut up from inside the car. He'd drowned her screams with loud music after a while though and she had to realize that no one was coming to her rescue.

Liv had to really focus to not get too emotional as Amanda did her best to recount her ordeal in the trunk. How she'd kept screaming and stomping in the back. How she'd been awake the entire time, and how admirable she was for refusing to give up her attempts to make contact with someone on the outside. And after all those hours in the trunk, being close to passing out from pure exhaustion she had been certain she would finally be face to face with her tormenter as she heard someone working the trunk.

Liv felt as though she relived that blissful moment when they found out Amanda was alive. Not only alive but mostly unscathed in that trunk. She realized though that even though Amanda had come out of the ordeal intact there were mental scars to take in to consideration. Once she'd made sure Amanda didn't have anything else to add that was important to the case against Lucas she stopped the recording so she could move on to something else she had to make sure off.

"I think it's important that you really get to process this Amanda, do you have an appointment with Olivet coming up anytime soon?"  
"Eh… yeah, it's Tuesday right, no Wednesday, so tomorrow then," Amanda said seeming a little stunned herself.  
"That's good, and how do you feel about coming back to work? I mean I'll leave it up to you but I want you to really think about it and not take on too much too quickly," Liv said seriously.

"Well I… well you know I'd much rather work," Amanda said with a smile Liv's way, "but maybe tomorrow? I mean I'm fine to work today really but I just… I dunno feel a little wired maybe? Like restless perhaps. I'd like to just get out of here and I dunno but maybe just be outside without worrying someone will jump me you know?"

"I get it Amanda and I think that's very… wise of you. You take the day, tomorrow too if you feel like it or at least make sure to let your appointment with Olivet take priority," Liv said feeling as though this was a big step for her. To put her wellbeing before work was progress, Liv thought to herself as she walked Amanda out of her office.

Fin looked a little concern to let Amanda out there on her own but couldn't really say it out loud in the squad room. Liv could tell though and told him not to worry as they watched Amanda leave.

**Walking out of the station** Amanda felt a little nervous but the moment the fresh air hit her face and she felt the warmth of the sun everything felt a whole lot better. She walked out to the curb and just watched some traffic go by. She watched some people on the street and smiled as she noticed none of them looking at her. She really had no idea what to do with this day off but she didn't mind and just started walking.

She walked through a park, bought a bagel that she ended up feeding to some ducks in a pond after just one bite off it. It was more enjoyable to watch their beaks nibbling away at the water surface and she could just get something else later on to eat.

After the park she just kept walking for a long time. She bumped in to some people at times and her initial feeling was always fear but each time the passerby just excused themselves and she ended up feeling stupid for expecting the worst. No one really paid her attention and it suited her just fine. She did catch one set of eyes lingering on her by a guy waiting alongside her for the lights to change at a zebra crossing but she was forced to acknowledge he was checking her out for more innocent reasons than either Simon or Lucas. Okay maybe not that innocent but at least not _deadly_ reasons and she felt her cheeks blush as she exchanged a smile with the guy that looked disappointed to have to take off down another road than her once they'd passed the crossing.

She ended up by the water and rode a ferry back and forth just cause she was able to. She loved to feel the wind in her hair and she closed her eyes for a while and for a few moments she was back on a cliff in Georgia or up at the roof of their house in Loganville. She felt the warmth of the Georgia sun and could even smell the air from down there. She usually loved the smells but had to smile at the memory of that one time when it hadn't smelled that great around Loganville. The leaky chicken guts tanker at the local chicken house had turned out to be the culprit and it was the talk of the town for weeks.

Her humorous memory was interrupted by a group of kids, probably a grade on a field trip she figured, that chatted loudly as they came out on the deck to watch the boat moor. She caught the eyes of tiny blonde girl watching her. She looked no more than seven or eight and something about the big blue eyes made her remind Amanda of Kim. When the girl stuck out her tongue and then hid in the pile of kids Amanda couldn't help but laugh. _She reminded her of Kim alright. _

She kept walking once she was back on land and she found herself browsing a department store. The store was still very quiet, it was that time between lunch and people getting off work. She was fingering some nail polish, thinking about maybe buying one just for fun, when a singing voice caught her attention.

"Can I help you?" the young clerk asked once Amanda spun around.  
"Just browsing," Amanda said with a smile and a shrug.  
"Sure," the girl smile, "could I interest you in a consultation though? I'm just showing off some products over there and today's been so quiet so I'm desperate to just get my hands on someone."

"Oh… okay," Amanda said surprising even herself as she usually shied from anything that involved a stranger touching her.  
"Really? Awesome, thank you," the girl said and gestured Amanda with her.  
"If you have a seat," the girl said very politely and spun the chair to give Amanda easier access to it. The girl asked her if she wanted some iced tea and Amanda felt a little overwhelmed by the fuss but said yes please.

"Okay, let me have a look," the girl said and hunched down in front of Amanda giving every inch of her face a close look. When she was done inspecting with her eyes she used her fingers a bit, feeling around, brushing away Amanda's bangs to get a look at her forehead. Amanda was a little afraid she would ask about the bump in her forehead but maybe it wasn't so bad as she didn't seem to even notice it.

"Do you ever wear make-up?" the girl asked.  
"Sometimes," Amanda answered a bit guilty over her zero interest in cosmetic.  
"And what about skin products? I can see you are a little dry around this area," the girl said and stroked her pinkie underneath her right eye.  
"Just temporary," Amanda whispered but it was drowned out by the girl's chatter as she reached for a product on her table.

"They say vitamin A can help with dry skin, you mind?" the girl said holding out a small container in front of Amanda. She shook her head and the girl started applying the cream after she'd used a clip to hold her bangs to one side. Amanda tried to keep up with everything the girl was telling her and nod or shake her head whenever the girl pressed for an answer.

Twenty minutes later the girl was applying yet another layer of make-up on Amanda's face. The girl was really hard to deny but Amanda didn't really mind, it didn't feel all bad being pampered and the girl was somewhat rash but still managed to be very sweet at the same time. Amanda did her best to keep up with the orders of closing her eyes, opening them back up, look slightly to the left, to the right and close them again please.

"Oh I love this color on you, it suits your pale complexion," the girl smiled just inches from Amanda's face, "thank you for letting me try this on you, as I said it's been really slow around here this week and I'm new so I'm not sure if it's me, something I'm doing wrong or just that this store isn't that popular."

She had lowered her voice at that last part .

"I'm sure it's not you," Amanda said and opened up her eyes as the girl gasped in front of her.  
"Thank you so much," the girl smiled, "you're too sweet. If you close again."

Amanda did as told and felt the slight pressure of the eyeliner going right above her eyelashes.

"Okay done," the girl finally said and rose back up as Amanda opened her eyes back up. The girl watched her for a few seconds before her entire face broke out in to an even bigger smile.

"Wow, you're gorgeous if I may say so myself, your face is made for these colors," the girl smiled and removed the clip from her bangs. She pulled some of Amanda's hair forward and fluffed her bangs up a little before she spun her towards the mirror.

Now it was Amanda's turn to gasp slightly as she caught sight of her own reflection, wondering for a second if that was really her.

"Right? You're gorgeous, well without make-up too but it really enhanced your features," the girl said and continued to fluff her hair around her face a little.  
"I guess it's more of an evening make-up, I hope I didn't overdo it," the girl said as she got concerned Amanda didn't like it. She'd just been staring at herself, not saying anything.

"No, it's…" Amanda said leaning forward a bit to get a better look at herself. She didn't hate how she looked but she wasn't sure if she liked it just yet. Maybe it was the mirror too, it all felt very familiar to a bad place she'd been at a few years ago.

"It's fine," she said to not disappoint the girl but she swiped her hair behind her ears to get it out of her face a little.

"Most blue eyed women think they should go tone in tone but really green makes your eyes pop," the girl smiled.

Amanda had a closer look at her eyes and she had to agree, her eyes were popping with that shade and she recalled Sierra saying something similar to her.

"So I dunno if you would maybe like to buy something of this…" the girl said a bit hesitant.  
"I do love the eye shadow," Amanda said and the girl lit up.  
"Yeah? You want to buy it maybe? Like you would be my first sale then," the girl said and seemed over the moon.  
"Yeah sure," Amanda said to make her happy but also because she liked the shade.  
"That's… great. Let's get you over to the register," the girl smiled and picked up a new eye shadow from the stand next to them.

The girl kept talking ecstatically as she checked out the small item, making it sound like she was buying the entire store. Amanda declined a bag and pushed the small box down her jacket pocket as though she'd just bought something illegal. The girl walked her out of the department and then made a big fuss as they said goodbye and welcomed her back any day. Amanda just smiled though, the girl was maybe a little over the top but Amanda knew from working both behind a counter as well as a waitress how important it was to vow customers.

As she headed outside she met a man who held up the door for her with a big grin over his face and gave her a small nod as she passed, and she blushed slightly by all this attention. _Just because a little make-up? Silly._ But she did enjoy it slightly. She checked her watch figuring she still had some time to walk around as Fin wouldn't be home for at least another hour.

He'd texted her earlier, obviously wanting to check up on her. She'd answered 'I'm fine pops' knowing it would scare him off her back for at least a while. He wasn't that age sensitive usually but it had come up the few times they'd talked about whatever it was they had between them. He'd said a few times that he was old enough to be her dad and it seemed to bother him. _Or maybe it was just because he wanted her to settle down with someone her own age? She wasn't sure and didn't care really, she was happy by his side so why think about it too much?_

She noticed that the street started to get busy, people heading home or out on the town maybe as they left work. She'd gotten over the stress of bumping in to people but it didn't mean she liked it and she ducked in to an off road just to get away slightly from the crowd. Looking further in she noticed a rather nice looking hotel and she spotted a sign that read Happy hour along with the words Peachtree Margarita. She smiled at the familiar name and headed in to the lobby and then further in to the bar.

She could only count a couple of heads in there, all spread out in the bar by their own table. For some reason all people in there looked gloomy, their heads either buried in a laptop or a newspaper with a half drunken drink by their side. She took a seat by the actual bar but a little to the side.

"A Peachtree Margarita please," she said as the bartender approached her with a smile. He gave her a nod and then stepped back to make her her drink. She watched him grab a cocktail glass and reach for a blender. She watched him poor the liquids in to the blender and then very skillfully shook it back and forth a few times. She couldn't help but smile as she saw him turn the glass over to apply a salt ring around the rim, he really went all in she thought to herself.

It didn't take long until he return with the glass and put it on a coaster in front of her.

"Enjoy," he smiled and let her be. Amanda watched the ice filled glass. She put her finger on the outside and dragged her finger down leaving a clear line behind on the icy glass. She looked around to make sure no one was watching her before she brought the lime wedge to her mouth and let the sour drops go round her mouth before she swallowed with a grin. She brought the glass to her lips and took a big gulp of the drink, enjoying the sweet but also sour drink go down her throat. She never could understand how Kim liked this drink so much. She put the glass down with a slight shiver going down her spine.

She thought of Kim as she finished her drink. The squirrel chasing at the acorn farm. Her laughter while running behind her that turned whiney until she let her catch up to her. Her laughter as she swung her as high as possible on the swing in the park down the road. The park with the rusty hinges, the merry-go-round that made an awful sound as it reached a certain speed and where she'd kicked Billy in the nuts after she learnt he'd been mean to her sister. _Where had that laughter gone?_ She couldn't remember just when her sister had stopped laughing, when it had started sounding dishonest and more like an evil snicker.

"Can I buy you another one?" the voice startled her a little but she didn't think he noticed. She checked the guy out from head to toe. The short trimmed dark hair, the blue, or were they green?, eyes. The square jawline and the perfectly trimmed sideburns. A jacket thrown over a crisp white shirt and matching pants with a perfect crease going down each leg. He looked sharp and he knew it.

"Can I?" he repeated when she just kept looking at him. She folded her eyes down, feeling a little embarrassed that all she could do was stare. He seemed to take that as a yes and asked the bartender for another one of whatever the lady was having, and added a straight gin for himself. He told the bartender to put her drinks on his room.

Amanda followed the bartender with her eyes, afraid to turn around to look at the guy but eventually she had to. She tried to keep a straight face as she caught him leaning slightly backwards to get a better look at her backside. He didn't seem embarrassed at all having been caught doing it.

"I hope I didn't crowd you?" he smiled crookedly and leaned closer to her on the bar. She shook her head slightly and stroked back some hair behind her ear.  
"And I certainly hope you're not waiting for someone," he added and she found herself looking away as she didn't want him to see her cheeks burning. The bartender had finished up their drinks and came over with them. He took Amanda's empty glass with him as he left them alone again.

"It would be just my luck if you were waiting for someone," the guy said with a heavy sigh, "I've been stuck with these boring old business men for three days now…"

Amanda looked his way as she fingered the lemon wedge on her glass.

"Don't get me wrong, I love my job but at times I wish my clients would just take my word for it and trust me to have their best interest in mind."  
"What you do?" she asked.  
"She speaks," the guy winked at her before quickly moving on, "I'm in real-estate. Have clients come in from Ohio to look at some lots in the area."

He had swirled his drink around for a while but stopped now to have a taste. Amanda followed his example but left the lemon this time. When she put down the glass she could feel him checking her out again but she didn't really mind.

"What do you do?" he asked. She glanced his way and he seemed intrigued that she didn't answer. When she just challenged his look he looked away slightly with a chuckle. He sobered up quickly and moved his high chair a little closer to hers.

"I'm usually good at figuring people out," he said pinning her down with his eyes again, "But there's something about you…"  
"What about me?" she asked, challenging him. He chuckled again.  
"I like you," he stated simply and finished his drink in one go.

Once he'd put his glass down he looked from her to her glass and back to her. He seemed to challenge her to something and smiled as she picked up her glass. He smiled even more when she hesitated by her lips and gave him a cocky glare. She wiped her lip over some of the salt on the rim, tasted the salty buds that was left on her lip with her tongue. Then she tipped the glass over and felt the mix of sweet and sour wash down her open throat. He snickered as she put the empty glass back down on the bar.

"I'm Ryan," he said and Amanda watched his extended hand for a few moments. She felt the shift inside. It wasn't like she'd felt restrained before but with the blink of an eye all hesitation washed away, drowned out by a slight buzz from the alcohol. She grabbed his hand not worrying at all about her scar showing, like it didn't even exist. She flashed a smile his way and batted her eyelashes a little and when she spoke her voice dripped of a very distinct southern drawl;

"Shay, my name is Shay."

* * *

"_What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." _**Ralph Waldo Emerson**


	9. Chapter 9: Rage

I'm sorry for the delay. Anticipation &amp; fear for the finale and now the grief took is toll on my creativity :/  
Warning for some foul language in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 9: Rage**

* * *

"_No one who, like me, conjures up the most evil of those half-tamed demons that inhabit the human breast, and seeks to wrestle with them, can expect to come through the struggle unscathed."_ ~ **Sigmund Freud**

* * *

Liv sat back in her chair with a heavy sigh, leaving the thick stack of papers on her desk. The paperwork that came with running this squad was just overwhelming at times. Being behind with paperwork stressed her out but now she was at least caught up. She rubbed her temples a little and after a few deep breaths she started to feel a little more relaxed again.

Keith's heartfelt laugh out in the squad room made her look up. He was standing by his desk holding on to what looked like a pickle and for some reason seemed very amused by it. Nick looked less entertained and finally just stood up, reached over their desks, which took much effort, and jerked the pickle out of his hands. It looked as Nick threw it in the trash. Liv saw Fin and Amanda chuckle slightly and she couldn't help but smile too.

Her eyes landed on Amanda as the squad room quiet down again. It dawned on her that just a week ago they'd been on a wild chase trying to find their missing partner. Just a week ago she'd spent more than ten hours trapped in the trunk of a car and driven to a remote location where the plan had been to do hideous things to her. Where a room was set up looking somewhat like that bunker they'd saved her from about two years ago.

A week ago. Two years ago. Neither was a long time to get over such a trauma. But here she was, sitting at her desk looking like she didn't have a care in the world. Well if you didn't look closer. The scars on her hands weren't easy to hide and Liv often caught her pulling at her sleeves and she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her in a short sleeved top. Not even when temperature reached a ridiculous peak this summer and even Nick was out of his white shirt and sporting tees instead.

And if you looked closer you could see how uncomfortable she was in close quarters. If you paid attention you could see how her eyes darted around a room and how she had perfect track on everyone. Liv wasn't sure but she'd noticed a few times how her attention went to any door about too close behind her and for a brief moment how it looked as though terror grabbed a hold of her. She wasn't sure though, it was only for a split second and she had never dared to ask Amanda about it.

Liv wondered about those things. The things not noticeable with the eye. _How was she dealing on the inside? _It was just a week ago she'd been kidnapped. She'd been away from the squad room only two days but been back on Thursday already, and acting perfectly fine. She'd been on her toes, pulled her weight almost like nothing had happened.

Liv could get the relief of having caught the stalker but they were still waiting for what would happen to him. Lucas Tilley was being evaluated and they would probably have to wait a few weeks for the result if he was found fit to stand trial or not. Either way it ended Barba had promised them that he would be locked up. He'd tried to follow in Simon's footsteps and now it looked as though he'd follow him straight to a mental institute.

It didn't sit well with Liv though that Simon had managed to influence someone on the outside and she worried it wouldn't be satisfying enough for Amanda to have Lucas in a place like that. Amanda had said though that she was fine just as long as Lucas was behind some kind of bar. Liv wasn't sure she'd been completely honest though.

Liv hadn't dared to mention it to Amanda yet but she'd asked Barba to look in to having Simon transferred, preferably far away from New York. Seeing how Broadmare had broken protocol but still only given Tennant a reprimand Liv wanted to intervene to try and get Simon to a more secure place, and yes maybe a more strict one where he wouldn't be pampered the way Broadmare seemed to do. He deserved to be punished and not treated like some celebrity. Barba was looking in to it and Liv couldn't wait to get to tell Amanda the hopefully good news.

Liv hoped that would make her relax a little. She didn't seem tense right now at all though. _Maybe it was just the relief of being free and rid of the stalker? Maybe it would hit her in a few days? Or maybe she was taking it out at home?_ But Fin looked just as relaxed. When he hadn't slept well it was so obvious, he yawned constantly and his whole demeanor went from lazy cool to lazy slack.

Whatever was going on Liv made a silent vouch to herself to check in on her squad. She wouldn't just let this slide and go back to business as usual. She knew Nick had been to see the department psychiatrist. Keith had declined when Liv made the offer available to him and of course Fin had declined too. She hadn't really talked to Amanda about anything that went down since she took her statement last week. Of course she'd asked how she was doing when she came back to work Thursday but nothing more than that really. She would make sure to check in with her though, make sure she made her therapy sessions.

**Amanda **_**was**_** doing** fine. She'd slept really well since she got back home. Fin had mentioned she'd stirred a little in her sleep but it was nothing she could remember and she couldn't remember Fin waking her up either. It was a long time since she'd slept this well.

And it wasn't because of any pills either. She'd realized how bad that was. She'd even thought about if her being under the influence of them had made her less alert and maybe made it easier for Lucas to grab her. So no pills. They were still hidden in the closet though, she would bring them out one of these days, she just hadn't gotten around to do it yet.

Of course it had all been really scary. Spending all that time in the trunk and drifting back to Simon's bunker in her mind had been terrifying but she'd gotten away. Yet again. It made her feel a little invincible. Like how much could a human mind and body take really?

She had slept for an entire day almost but then she'd felt really good. It was never fun to have to leave a statement about something that scary, and humiliating. _She'd screamed like a scaredy-cat. Injured herself while banging the trunk. She'd wet herself. Like how embarrassing wasn't all that?_ _Of course she hadn't mentioned all of that in the statement but Liv had seemed cool with the small fragments of weakness she had admitted to._

_Then she'd walked around town to clear her head. To just be able to roam the streets, to let your mood just take you left or right was such a treat, and relief, once you've been trapped in a trunk. For hours. Or a bunker. For days. What had ended her excursion though scared her a little. She wasn't really sure what had happened in that hotel bar though. One moment she'd just been having a drink that reminded her of home and the next she'd been making out with a stranger in a coat room. _

_If that porter hadn't walked in and caught them and if the stranger's clients hadn't interrupted them by the elevators she might've followed him up to his suite and… what did that mean? She didn't like to be touched but she was about to have sex with a complete stranger? And that would've meant undressing. What about her scars? Hadn't she even thought about that? _

"Amanda?" Olivet called for her attention when she hadn't noticed her opening up the door to her office.

Olivet caught her chewing her nails, a good telltale Amanda was nervous about something. And she'd seemed really stuck in her thoughts just now.

Amanda put her hand down the second she noticed Olivet. She cleared her throat a little as she got up and managed to produce a rather normal sounding 'hi' as she passed the doctor in the door.

Olivet caught the whiff of freshness and could tell Amanda's hair was still wet which made her think _shower_. It wasn't that strange though, they had a morning session today, squeezed in as Amanda had missed her session last week. Olivet chose to start with that as her pet peeve was patients standing her up.

"So I missed you last week," Olivet said with a smile as she sat down in her usual spot opposite Amanda.  
"Uhm yeah, sorry about that," Amanda mumbled.

She put her hands under her legs as she felt a need to keep gnawing on her nails and she wouldn't give Olivet such an easy in to her thoughts.

Olivet just kept looking at her with raised eyebrows, seemingly wanting a better explanation or apologize than that.

"It was just…" Amanda started but wasn't sure what to say. _I was sleeping? Had just hours earlier been saved from a trunk by a man who wanted to torture me so I kinda forgot I had an appointment with you? No she couldn't say that. _

"It got really busy at work, we found a missing girl and it just… we caught my stalker though," Amanda said to hopefully lure the doctor off the topic.  
"You did?" Olivet asked intrigued.  
"Yeah, turns out it was this kid, well not really a kid but _man_ who was the stepson of… _his_ shrink and he'd gotten like obsessed with him, or maybe just to get his stepfather's attention I'm not really sure, but he figured he would try and gain attention by copying… him," Amanda finished with a shrug hoping she wouldn't have to explain it any deeper.

"When was this?" Olivet asked curiously.  
"Early last week," Amanda said with a shrug.  
"Was it the son of the Brynners, sorry grandson right?"

Amanda stirred a little as she felt uncomfortable that Olivet seemed to know about him.

"Yeah, yeah it was," she decided to answer truthfully though.  
"He took a cop hostage right?" Olivet asked with a worry wrinkle between her eyes that made Amanda stir even more.

"Uhm yeah we had to chase him down," Amanda said doing her best to not jump out of the couch. She hadn't planned to talk this much about it, spent the entire weekend going over how she could brush over this subject but still inform Olivet.

"So it wasn't you?" Olivet asked.

Amanda let out a chuckle that sounded really awkward and that seemed to startle Olivet so Amanda piped down.

"Oh no, it wasn't me," she said.

_Why did she say that? Why did she lie? Olivet could easily find out the truth right? Maybe she already knew? Maybe this was just a skillfully laid out trap by the doctor?_

"Well that's a relief," Olivet said as she scribbled down a few notes on her pad.

_Was that it? That's all she's going to ask? Or is she writing down in her notes that I'm a compulsive liar? Will she tell Liv? Will I get fired now? _

"I heard it from a friend but I didn't put two and two together until now," Olivet said with a smile as she looked back up from her notepad.

She'd been at a gala this weekend and someone she associated with from time to time had told her the gossip. The high society couple apparently had a son or grandson hidden away for years but then he'd gone of his rockers and kidnapped a cop as he was getting arrested for another crime he'd committed. That other crime had been stalking a woman, threatening her but Olivet had not realized it was Amanda's stalker. What a small world.

"So that must be a relief for you, to have him caught," Olivet said. Amanda nodded.  
"Will you have to testify?" Olivet asked trying to come up with a way to get Amanda talking.

Usually small valuable tidbits dropped once she started talking about something, tidbits that Olivet could pick up and use to dig a little further as Amanda normally didn't give her an insight to what was really going on inside that tough exterior.

"I don't know yet," Amanda shrugged, "he's being evaluated if he can stand trial or not, he might end up like Si..., " Amanda tried to shake the name she'd been about to say out of her head, "... well he's been in and out of institutions his whole life it seems so I guess I shouldn't expect him to get jail time either."  
"How would you feel about that?" Olivet asked.

Amanda tried to think about it but her mind felt blank.

"I don't know if I care either way..." she finally said.  
"Don't you want justice for yourself though Amanda?"

Amanda just stared back at Olivet for a few seconds. _Justice for myself?_ Amanda wasn't sure and finally just shrug off the question.

"Let's pretend you had a say though, if you were the judge and jury what would you want to happen to... what's his name?"  
"Lucas," Amanda answered quietly.  
"What would you want to happen to _Lucas_ if you had a say?"  
"What do you want me to say doc..." Amanda asked a little peeved, she felt as though the doctor tried to provoke.  
"I want you to tell me how you really feel about him Amanda. I'd like to think I know you a bit by now and I think you're holding back. It would only be reasonable if you would want to see him punished for scaring you."  
"He didn't scare me," Amanda answered quickly without looking at Olivet, "and you wouldn't think it was sound if I said I wanted him dead and you don't think it's sound if I don't care so I can't really win here doc..."

Amanda looked up at Olivet who gave her a nod as she took in what she'd just said.

"What I hear," Olivet started and Amanda did her best to not roll her eyes as she recognized the start of psychobabble, "is that you care about what I think of you and that isn't necessarily bad, but I've told you this before Amanda, it's important that you feel like you can be open and outspoken in this room. No one within these walls are out to get you, there's no need for you to hide behind anything. I'm not here to judge you Amanda... I'm here to help you."

Amanda had moved up on the couch a bit and brought her hands out. She was scratching the fabric of the couch with her nails on each side of herself. She felt uncomfortable. She did know Olivet wasn't evil or out to get her but the doubt crept in from time to time and this was one of those times.

"I know... that..." Amanda said a bit timid while peeking up at the doctor.  
"Good," Olivet smiled, "so tell me how you really feel about Lucas."  
"I'm angry at him..." Amanda said stirring a little on the couch, "But relieved that he's caught..."

Olivet gave her an encouraging smile and nodded agreeing.

"And I wish I will never have to see him again... but..."

Amanda cleared her throat a little, she couldn't look at Olivet as she feared she wouldn't have the courage to say what she was about to say.

"He was inspired by... well what if he's not the only one, what if there will be someone else?"

When Olivet didn't say anything she felt forced to peek up at her a little. Olivet was of course studying her but waiting for that eye contact.

"Your fear is a very valid one Amanda, you…"  
"It's not fear," Amanda said firmly interrupting the doctor, "I'm not scared just… a little _worried_."  
"Well feeling _worried_ is also a valid response Amanda, seeing what you've been through," Olivet said and then thought her words over a little before she decided to continue.

"What Simon did to you was grueling, life shattering and nothing anyone should have to endure. The way you've dealt with it though Amanda is remarkable. You are remarkably strong but you are also human. It's not in any way strange that what Lucas did have opened up some wounds from your experience with Simon," Olivet caught the frown hearing his name brought upon her patient's face and realized using that man's name once was probably enough but it was already out there so she continued, "the important thing now is that you are able to talk about all these emotions that you are feeling. I don't want you to bottle them up, that you let them manifest in you in ways that will only be hurtful for you."

Olivet let her words sink in a little, knew Amanda well enough to know she needed a few moments to reflect.

"Are you talking to Fin about it? Olivia perhaps?"  
"I left my statement to her," Amanda said.  
"Okay well that's something but it's not really _talking_ is it? Do you talk?" Olivet pushed a little.  
"I talk to Fin," Amanda said and looked up to try and sell it a little better. Olivet just studied her though and Amanda felt a bit pressured as usual.

"I mean not that we talk like heartily, like girl to girl, well obviously since he's not a girl but I'm not really in to that either," Amanda rambled a bit but caught herself and tried to redeem herself, "but he's there for me. He makes me feel safe and he sometimes seems to know what I need even more than I do myself."  
"Are you dependent on him?" Olivet asked and Amanda had to think about it.

_Being dependent on someone meant you were weak. Or maybe more so that you had a weakness. But as partners you had to be dependent on each other, it could mean the difference between life and death. _

"Yeah… I guess," she finally answered.  
"That bothers you?" Olivet asked. Amanda got a bit disappointed at herself for letting Olivet read her so easily and cursed herself silently.

"Does it bother you to feel dependent on someone?" Olivet asked again a little more to the point. Amanda shrugged.  
"Why would it be wrong to be dependent on someone?" Olivet tried.  
"It's not, we have to at work," Amanda hurried to say, "you know as partners and that's fine, I just…"  
"What Amanda?" Olivet asked when she stayed quiet.  
"I think I'm more of a burden for him," Amanda said quietly.

She scratched the palm of her own hand nervously.

"Why do you think that?"

Amanda sighed loudly.

"I'm a mess," Amanda confessed reluctantly.  
"Why do you think you're a mess Amanda?"

Amanda gave Olivet a glare like she should know but Olivet just shook her head a little.

"You're _not_ a mess to me Amanda," she said to make her point clear.  
"You're not there when… I'm a mess."  
"When are you a mess? Tell me," Olivet asked.  
"When I have my nightmares… I mean I wake him up even though he's down the hall," Amanda sighed.  
"So he comes to your side?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.  
"That sounds like something a friend would do, does he complain about you waking him up?"  
"Fin wouldn't complain about that."  
"Have you asked him? Maybe he just doesn't mind? Wouldn't you do that if the roles were reversed?"  
"He sleeps like a log," Amanda said with a smirk but then worried she'd said too much.  
"I mean that's what he says," Amanda tried to cover but felt as though she'd only made it worse.

Olivet had a pretty good idea that the two partners were more than roommates and Amanda might just know for a fact her partner slept like a log but Olivet had never asked her straight out as it seemed important to Amanda to keep it a secret. Olivet knew the rules about relations between partners and within units and the last thing she wanted to do was to add to Amanda's worries. As far as Olivet knew Fin meant a whole lot to her patient and Olivet had no intention to mess that up.

"From what you've told me I only think he likes caring for you," Olivet said but caught Amanda's frown.  
"Why the face?" she asked immediately.  
"I don't need _caring_…" Amanda complained and looked as it was the worst thing in the world.  
"Everyone needs caring at least at some point in their life," Olivet withheld.  
"Well I don't. I didn't need caring as a kid and I don't need it now," Amanda said letting her hands fall down to either side of her as her palm was hurting more than itching by now.

Olivet was ambivalent, she would've liked to stick to Amanda's current situation but it was so rare she brought up her childhood Olivet felt it hard to not go there.

"Wouldn't you though? Have someone care about you as a child? If you could go back and change how things were for you wouldn't you rather have two, or at least one parent who cared for you?"  
"What's the point…" Amanda mumbled, "it ain't gonna happen so what's the point of even going there…"

Olivet watched her for a bit, she wasn't sure how much she could push right now but she decided to try a little further.

"But you would've rather had a parent that cared for you, and for your sister, right?"  
"_I _cared for my sister," Amanda burst out a little harshly, Olivet didn't flinch though.

Amanda immediately regretted sounding so harsh, she knew Olivet didn't deserve her lashing out like that.

"I didn't do such a good job okay but…" Amanda felt her own voice trembling and she felt embarrassed for getting so emotional.  
"Just leave it alone," Amanda said getting up off the couch.

Olivet feared she was going to bust out of there but instead Amanda stomped over to one of the windows and Olivet relaxed as she didn't have a problem with that. She watched Amanda fold her arms around herself in a defensive manner as she kept her eyes out the window so she could keep her back to the doctor.

"I'm sorry Amanda," Olivet said, "I know your sister is a sore subject for you and it was bad timing of me to bring her up now."  
"It's okay," Amanda whispered. She was doing her best to keep the emotions at bay. Emotions that she feared would implode her whole being if she let them.

"Can you talk to Fin about your sister?" Olivet asked.  
"Can't we just leave it," Amanda pleaded trying to stop her voice from trembling as best she could.  
"We can leave the subject of your sister alone for now but I think it's important that we talk about how you're coping with… him reentering your life through Lucas. And what I can do to help you cope through that," Olivet said calmly but firmly and readjusted herself a little on her chair to be able to watch Amanda better. If only her back.

"It's over, I'm fine," Amanda tried but couldn't face her right now.  
"We both know it's not over just because he's caught," Olivet said carefully, "Lucas left imprints on you whether you like it or not, and with your history it wouldn't be strange if you regressed during a stressful time like this."  
"I won't," Amanda mumbled from her spot over by the window.

Olivet kept watching her back for a while, not really sure where to go from here.

"You mentioned nightmares earlier, have they increased lately?" Olivet tried. It took a few moments but then Amanda shook her head.  
"Neither in frequency or intensity?"

Again Olivet had to wait a while before Amanda finally shook her head. Olivet didn't write it down as she wasn't sure Amanda was telling the truth.

"Something else? Some excessive behavior?"

She waited for an answer, expecting at least a head shake but she didn't even get that.

"Negative thoughts?" she tried.  
"I like this view," Amanda suddenly said as she placed her palm against the window.  
"You have a nice view," she continued, "I've always liked heights. Something about the air being easier to breathe. Sometimes I can't breathe in this city. It feels as it suffocates me. Like it _wants_ to suffocate me."

Olivet watched Amanda's hand drop slightly against the window leaving a handprint behind. There was something monotonic about her voice that trouble Olivet. It also sounded like it was missing that southern tang.

"Sometimes I think it's succeeding. I don't think I belong here..."  
"In the city?" Olivet asked a little confused.  
"I don't think I'm strong enough. He was right. I might not make it..."  
"Amanda?" Olivet tried to gain her attention.  
"It might take me over..."  
"Amanda," Olivet said a little sharper and noticed the slight flinch in her patient. Amanda glanced over her shoulder but never made it all the way to meet Olivet's eyes.

"Please come and sit down on the couch again will you?"

Amanda reluctantly pulled her hand from the window, hugged herself again before she turned around and came almost crawling back to the couch. She shrunk together on the couch once she was seated, something disheartening about her whole demeanor.

"Who told you you might not make it?" Olivet asked. Amanda seemed confused the brief moment her eyes connected with the doctors.  
"Who told you you weren't strong enough?"

Amanda shrugged, shook her head slightly.

"I don't know," she whispered.

Olivet wrote something on her pad without looking down.

"Was it something Simon perhaps told you while he held you captive?"  
"I don't know," Amanda answered and something told Olivet this time she was actually being truthful.  
"But you've heard it somewhere before? Someone has told you this?"

Amanda shrugged.

"You said _he_ but could it have been something your mom told you?"

Again Amanda just shrugged. Olivet took a deep breath glancing over at the watch on the wall, she was running out of time.

"Amanda I'm concerned," Olivet said seriously.

Amanda did her very best to hold it in but she was concerned too, she wasn't sure what was going on with her and it scared her. It felt as though she'd blanked out again. She knew what Olivet was asking her about, she'd heard the words coming out but she hadn't been aware she was the one saying them.

"Do you feel as though your medicine is working?" Olivet asked.  
"Huh?" Amanda asked as she wasn't sure she'd heard what she'd said.  
"_Your medicine_, is it still working or do you want to try upping them?" Olivet asked and added, as she saw Amanda's frown, "It would only be for a short period, until this stressful time has calmed down."  
"No, I don't want to do that," Amanda said not wanting to tell the doctor she was off her antidepressants.  
"Are you having suicidal thoughts Amanda?" Olivet asked point blank. Amanda sighed heavily.  
"No," she said dispirited.

She bit her tongue not to say that she could easily end her life if she wanted to, _she carried a gun for Christ sake. But she'd done that mistake before so she knew better than to even mention her gun in front of the doctor. She wasn't sure Olivet knew about her dad's fate. Heck she didn't even know if it had been a murder or suicide._

"So what you said about heights..."  
"Look, I used to climb out on the roof as a kid just to... get away and I enjoyed feeling the wind on my face... in my hair. I love hiking, go up mountains and... feel the air. That's all," Amanda said. Olivet seemed to buy it, she was nodding at least.

"You're able to focus at work?" Olivet asked and now it was Amanda's turn to nod.  
"Work helps actually," Amanda added.  
"So it's the time outside of work that's your problem..." Olivet suggested.  
"I wouldn't say it's a problem just... you know how I can get stuck in my head," Amanda said with a smile and actually dared to meet Olivet's eyes for a few moments.  
"I know," Olivet acknowledged with a kind smile on her face. Amanda had to shy away as she felt vulnerable for compassion right now.

"So what can you do to not get stuck there? You know we've talked about working overtime isn't going to hold up in the long run," Olivet said and tried her best to now sound patronizing.  
"I know, Fin keeps me grounded..."  
"That's good, so you can use Fin, I'm sure he'd only be glad to help out. Maybe you could try telling him? Just let him know, in case he doesn't already, that you could use and appreciate his company. You think you could do that?"

Amanda was hesitant, it wasn't like they normally had heart to hearts and she wasn't sure how to causally work this in to a conversation.

"I could try," Amanda said just to get the doctor off her back.  
"That's all I ask," Olivet said and threw another glance at the watch.  
"So that's all the time we got today, do you think we can find another time this week already?"  
"I'm not sure doc, work, shifts you know..." Amanda said pulling at her sleeves a little nervously.  
"Early next week then?" Olivet suggested. Amanda nodded.  
"You want to set a time now?" Olivet was used to pushing for their next session.  
"I don't have my schedule now," Amanda lied, it was in her phone but it wasn't unusual for it to change so it was better to wait Amanda figured.  
"Okay, you'll decide but if I don't see you in my calendar for next week you know I'll hunt you down," Olivet warned as Amanda rose from the couch. Olivet feared she might have used an inappropriate joke, making jokes had never been her strong suit.

"I know doc," Amanda said quietly and tried her best to flash the doctor a smile.  
"Take care of yourself Amanda, and call if you feel like it," Olivet said as her patient sneaked out through the back door.

* * *

_She was walking down a long, dark corridor. For some reason she could see the walls on either side of her even though the corridor in front of her was pitch black. The walls look grey with something like a slight coat of dew on them. She was pretty sure that if she reached out and touched the wall her finger would leave a black line behind. But she didn't want to reach out. She didn't want to come anywhere near the walls, they looked scary. And it was cold. So cold. _

_Looking down she could see she was holding on to herself like she was freezing. But she was only wearing a white nightgown. Looking further down she saw her bare feet sticking out underneath. They were children's feet though and she almost gasped as she suddenly shrunk. She was a child. And she was cold and she was scared. She didn't want to go forward in to that dark but still she was moving towards it. _

"_I'm not scared," she heard herself whisper. It was her voice but it was a child's voice. _

_A door appeared on the right side of the corridor and she kept as far to the left as she could without having to touch the wall. The door was open, an eerie black void staring back at her as she couldn't take her eyes of it. She expected to see something in the darkness but she didn't and then a door appeared to her left and she moved to the other side of the corridor. Again nothing but darkness stared back at her. _

_There was a sound, maybe a screech, behind her and cold strands off her hair hit her face as she spun her head around to make sure nothing was coming up on her from behind. For a moment the hair felt like spider web and she anxiously tried wiping it off her face. _

"_I'm not scared," she repeated to herself and she continued forward. _

_Something howled over her head and her breath got stuck in her throat for a bit. It came from above but she was afraid to look up. _

"_I'm not scared," she said a little louder. _

_A wind carrying a low laughter brushed by her, gripped her nightgown and made the chill on her bare skin even worse. _

"_Don't," she whispered and tried holding the nightgown closer to herself._  
"_Please don't do that."_

_Another door appeared and this time something vague hovered in the darkness and again her breath hitched up as she tried to pass the door quickly. But then there was a door on her other side and even though it was only vague what appeared was terrifying and she started running. Well she tried running but everything felt like in slow motion, she wasn't getting away fast enough and then that wind with the laughter was back. Her hair, or was it spider web after all?, covered her face and it made it hard for her to breathe. Even though the wind was in her back it didn't help her along and then another door appeared. That vague figure came out even further and she clamped her eyes shut. Kept running with her eyes shut. _

"_I'm not scared," she said louder and she kept repeating it to try and make it real. Even though she had her eyes shut she could feel that being in the doorways, she could feel her there and it was just as terrifying as seeing her. The laughter started echoing in her head and she tried covering her ears but she couldn't get through the spider web. _

"_I'm not scared," _

"Amanda, Amanda," Fin tried at the same time as he tried to get a handle on her wrists as it looked as though she was trying to scratch herself all way gasping for air. He was out of breath too, having gotten a brusquely awakening by her screams. _I'm not scared_. He wasn't able to bring her out of her nightmare and when he managed to get a grip around her one wrist he grabbed a hold around her neck with the other one and brought her up to a sitting position.

"Amanda," he said loudly aimed straight at her face.

Her eyes finally popped open. Arms momentarily frozen around her face.

"Breathe," he said once he realized she wasn't. He watched her try and inhale but it looked as something was blocking her throat and for a moment he feared she was actually choking but then a wheezing sound slipped up her throat and even though it sounded ghastly it gave him some relief.

"Breathe," he said again a little calmer and he eased his grip around her wrist slightly. The first proper breath she took looked painful, it was all over her face but the moment she'd gotten air down her lungs her displeasure eased a whole lot and her shoulders dropped several inches as her arms started to unfreeze as well.

"You're okay," he whispered encouraging and then swallowed hard.

_That had been intense_. _All her nightmares were brutal but this one had been a step worse_. Two thin red lines by the side of her eye told just how brutal it had been and when her arms eased and dropped a little more he saw three more lines by her left ear. His fingers instinctively went there, brushed carefully over the marks she'd inflicted on herself.

"You're okay," he repeated as his eyes came back to hers.

As usual her eyes had gone somewhat blank like they always did after a nightmare. He actually preferred the blank look over the horror he saw as she was pulled from her terror but it was like choosing from two levels of bad. He just waited for what came next, stroking her damp fringe back, trying to keep connected to her in case she would take off now. He could usually tell early on, if she would flee or be able to get back to sleep but this time he still wasn't sure.

She looked almost catatonic for a while and he started to feel slightly anxious again.

"Amanda," he whispered and got her to blink a few times.  
"You okay?" he asked once her eyes came up to meet his.

She nodded barely visible. Her free hand had dropped to the bed while the one he was holding on to was still up by her face but now she started to slowly break away from his grip and he willingly let her go once he noticed.

"You scratched yourself," he let her know as she winched slightly as she'd narrowed her eyes a little and felt the tang. She brought her fingers up to the side of her eye where just a very small amount of blood had formed a tiny drop by the end of one of the scratches. It was enough though to leave a red smear downwards as she removed her hand again. He licked his finger and wiped it off.

"You want to try and get back to sleep?" he asked or maybe it was more a suggestion as she looked exhausted.

It seemed to take her some time to register what he was saying but then she finally shook her head slightly. He hoped his disappointed wasn't evident on his face as she started unraveling herself from the sheet she'd twisted herself in to. All he could do was watch her get up and walk out of the room with her night tee clinging to the sweat on her lower back. It didn't take long until he heard the shower get turned on and then he moved up on the bed to lie down again. He brought her sheet up with him but then decided to leave it to the side as he could feel how damp her side of the bed was. He thought about getting up and changing them but he was honestly too tired. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was close to 5 am. He wiped the sheet out a little to make it more comfortable for her when she would hopefully return. He turned her pillow over and then just lay back watching the door. He wanted to stay awake, to greet her back if she did show back up but he was too tired and the sound of the shower started to lull him back to sleep. When she finally stepped out of the shower and tiptoed by his door he was already fast asleep.

**Liv slammed the phone** down. The one good thing about old school phones was you could pound it if you felt like it and she did just that another few times before she let go of it. She buried her face in her hands with a heavy sigh.

"Something up?" was heard from the door and Liv's head popped back up. Fin had been the one asking and Amanda was standing just a step behind him looking a bit scared by the violent behavior their boss had just expressed. Liv shot them a smile.

"Just the ordinary squabble, I'm sorry you had to see that," she said and waved them in, they looked as though they wanted something and Liv didn't feel like letting them know about the infuriating call she'd just sat through.

She was still trying to get Simon transferred from Broadmare and as far away from New York as possible but doctor Rohrbaugh was for some insane reason fighting to keep him there. Even though they had breached protocol, putting one of NYPD finest in jeopardy, and should be doing some major bootlicking he was instead making hassle. But that was something she and Barba would deal with, Amanda wouldn't have to be involved until they could give her the good news she wouldn't have to be in the same city as Simon any longer.

"We just came back from hospital," Fin said as he stepped inside.  
"How's the victim doing?" Liv asked folding her hands under her chin looking concerned.  
"Not good, her jaw is wired shut so she can't really talk but she was able to answer some of Manda's question by scribbling things on a notepad," Fin said as he had a seat in one of Liv's visiting chairs, "her right hand's busted up too so her notes were a bit tricky to follow as well."

He did his best to hide a yawn. He was feeling tired, he hadn't gotten much sleep these last nights. Amanda remained standing one or two steps to his side. Liv couldn't help but pick up that they both looked a bit tired but she couldn't be sure if it was fatigue or just the fact they must've just sat through a harsh interview with a victim with gruesome injuries. The rapist had done a number on the victim's face as well as body. Liv had seen the initial photos from the hospital and it wasn't pretty. The victim had just woken up from a four day long drug infused coma. This was one of those rapists you really wanted to do a number on when you were finally able to catch him.

"She didn't know her assailant," Amanda said once she got by the looks both Fin and Liv was shooting her that it was her turn to speak.  
"We weren't able to get that much of a description of him but we have a little," Amanda said and handed Liv her own notes. Liv had a quick look at the approximate height and weight, it wasn't a small guy she noted. He was white, short brown hair, eye color unknown, very muscular, wore jeans and a sweatshirt.

Liv handed Amanda back the notes.

"Will she be able to work with a sketch artist?" Liv asked.  
"Not right now, doctor almost didn't let _us_ in," Amanda answered, "in a day or two maybe."

Liv nodded as she looked between the two.

"Okay, just update the case report and then head home the two of you, it's been a long day and you're starting to look a little beat," Liv said leaning back in her chair.  
"Okay boss," Fin said and gathered some strength to get up off the chair. Amanda had already left the office once he was up and Liv sent him off with a request;

"Make sure you get some sleep okay, start fresh tomorrow."

Fin just waved his hand to the side of him a little as he was busy covering a yawn with the other one. Once Amanda was done with the paper work they both headed home for a quiet night in. They were both fast asleep on the couch before Naked and Afraid started.

**The following day would** be hectic. They had a new rape on their hands as well as a sexual assault on a male victim. Liv was stuck with deskwork all day and couldn't really lend a hand. Reluctantly she sent Fin with Nick to talk to the male victim as Amanda and Keith got the female vic. The squad managed to meet up for lunch at the station and picked each other's brains on their different cases.

Right after lunch the badly beaten victim from yesterday managed to get in touch with Amanda through the victim's sister who'd been by her side at the hospital ever since she was brought in. The victim apparently wanted to tell Amanda something, something important and she drove over there with Keith before they followed up a few leads on their current case.

It would take much effort and patience from both ends for Amanda to finally get what she was trying to relay. Apparently she was on a new kind of painkiller today which was making her hand either weak or trembling like that of someone with a neurological disorder. Amanda could tell how straining it was for her to not be able to get the word down like she wanted and Amanda also could relate. She remembered how frustrating it had been to not rely on her hands to do what she wanted them to do.

They tried blinking in-between scribbling attempts but the tears that wouldn't stop falling made that hard as well. And again it was making the victim frustrated. Amanda felt inadequate to help out much, her attempts to help the victim out only seemed to make her more frustrated.

But it paid off in the end as Amanda finally was able to understand that she had remembered a tattoo on his arm. He had pulled his sleeves up right before he'd straddled her already badly damaged body and then made an attempt to choke her. She'd seen the tattoo then. It had been some kind of mythical creature with a helmet with horns on. The closest they came was that it reminded of something from The Lord of the Rings.

Amanda had brought Keith in hoping he would know. He'd showed images on his phone to her. Of orcs, wargs and creatures Amanda had never heard of and by the looks of it was rather glad she hadn't. She silently cursed Keith for probably adding images to her already haunting nightmares that rode her every frickin night these last couple of days.

They left promising her that she could try and use the sketch artist that was going to sit down with her in a couple of days to make an image of the creature as well as the assailant. Amanda tried encouraging her by telling her she'd already given them a lot of leads. She wasn't sure the victim bought it though. Amanda feared the victim knew her rapist would be hard to catch and that she might never get justice for what happened to her.

Amanda was silent as they left the hospital. While trying to explain that she'd seen the tattoo as she was being strangled the victim had pulled at her bandages around her neck and Amanda had seen the hideous marks. It all hit a little too close to home. The useless hands, the strangle marks, the rape. She tried to focus on whatever it was Keith was talking about as they got back in the car but all she could think about was how she'd actually asked someone to choke her after what Gordon had done to her. _How could one ask to get choked after something like that? Only someone really sick would do that right?_

She noticed Keith not starting the car but instead just looking at her a little strange. She shot him a smile and a nod but it must've been the wrong answer as he kept looking at her a little peculiarly. He still got the car in gear though and they took off under silence. They had a witness in their new rape case to interview.

Two interviews later they were ready to call it a day. Amanda had felt almost wired during them which made her distant and not able to stay focus on the witnesses. Thankfully Keith was a good detective and pulled through the interviews with Amanda just having to jump in at times to at least seem like she was doing her job. He kept talking as they left the last witness' house and after just a short drive she started to feel really claustrophobic in the car with all that noise.

At a red light she made it seem as though she was going to meet up with a friend tonight and it was actually easier for her to jump off here than going back to the station. Keith double checked to make sure but Amanda said it was perfect and waved a goodbye through the car window before he could say anything else. She watched him drive off feeling a little guilty for ditching him. She just had to get this edge out of her body and it wasn't going to happen sitting inside that car.

She started walking not really sure where she was going.

**The plan had never been** to end up there. At least she didn't think so. Or wanted to think so. She was left standing across the street, looking at the entrance that even though it was still light out seemed to glow. Amanda wasn't sure what she was doing there or why she was drawn to the gold and red velvet draped entrance that seemed to pull her in. Maybe she was weak?

Two men entered the door and let the music out. It found its way over to her, crept up her legs and pumped along with her heart for the few seconds the door was open. Once it closed Amanda felt abandoned, her heart pumping alone. Without thinking her feet starting moving and she crossed the street with her eyes fixed on the neon letters above the entrance. Chou-Chou.

Once she got closer her eyes fell down to the guard outside on the street. Big, muscular, looked as though he was bursting out of his black suit. She ignored the suspicious look he shot her and just raised her arms a little as to give him free way to frisk her if he wanted. She'd seen him do it to the two men that just entered but now he hesitated and then just opened the door for her. Maybe they usually didn't pat down female guests but she wasn't there to get special treatment.

"Welcome," the guard mumbled as she slipped past him. She took note of the fact the door stayed opened behind her and she also registered the look the man in the wardrobe seemed to exchange with the guard.

"Welcome to Chou-Chou," the man in the wardrobe said once he'd let the guard go with his eyes and focused all his attention on her. A wide smile spread across his face but it never reached his eyes.

"Can I take your jacket?" he offered and she searched her pockets to get her card and phone out. She let her badge and keys stay in her jacket as she slid it off so she could hand it to him. He gave her a ticket back and she let it disappear down her back pocket along with her card and phone. She shot the man one last look before she turned to head inside but was left taking a deep breath right outside the saloon doors that she'd just days ago burst through with a fleet of officers.

She'd felt the beat of the music already but once she finally broke through the doors it embraced her like a warm hug. She inhaled deeply, it felt as though she was tossed back two years. The interior of this club was much more high-end but the atmosphere was just the same, she saw the same amount of flesh on the ladies and the same hungry eyes on the men.

Up on the stage two girls were dancing. Amanda figured the song was coming to an end seeing how bare they were. Just as she figured the song trailed off and at the same time she felt a presence sneak up behind her.

"You want a table?" the waitress asked as she stepped up by Amanda's side. Amanda's eyes went up from the heart shaped pasty covering her nipple and up to her eyes. Amanda shook her head but managed a smile.

"Well just let me know," the waitress said with a wink and then took her tray with the drinks on over to a table. Amanda looked over at the bar. Two men, looked no older than college kids, left the bar with beer bottles in each hand and headed back towards the stage. Amanda spotted only one man sitting at the bar, he seemed more interested in the baseball game on the TV screen behind the bar than any other action going on inside the club. She eyed the bartender for a few seconds before she headed over. She wondered if this one knew as much about what was going on in here as Scott had known. He wasted no time heading her way as she sat down.

"What can I get you?" he smiled showing of dimples and shiny white teeth. She got stuck on his eyes for a few seconds, she couldn't figure out what color they were with the bright lights hitting them from the stage. He had dark hair, a slick backed do and his tight white tee showed up muscles and several tattoos. He looked nothing like Scott but he still reminded her of him for some reason.

He tilted his head slightly, his smile somehow managing to get even wider and she was pulled from her thoughts.

"Give me something that's popular," she said not really sure exactly what she was in the mood for.  
"You're giving me free hands?" the bartender asked.  
"Don't worry, I got you," he winked when she nodded slightly.

He seemed to want her to keep watching him as he brought up ingredients on the bar but instead her eyes were pulled over towards the stage where a girl in a cowgirl attire was receiving hollers. Even though she'd just gotten there and even though the club seemed more high-end she couldn't help but feel as the numbers given were less sophisticated than at Assets. Not that she'd felt anything but cheap up on that stage but they'd been able to dance, these girls seemed more focused on getting undressed and rubbing their _assets_ against the men slobbering by the stage to gain the one dollar bills they got shoved down private parts. But perhaps it was just an illusion. Maybe she'd seemed just as desperate to an outsider.

Amanda's attention was pulled back as the bartender cleared his throat as he put down a light pink drink in front of her.

"I pegged you for a daiquiri girl," he smiled, "it's my own blend though. With a cherry on top of course."  
"Of course," Amanda mumbled as she pulled the drink more towards herself. _Of course there had to be a cherry on her drink mocking her. _

"I'm Les," he said leaning even further over the bar.  
"You're less?" Amanda asked as a smile played in the corner of her mouth. She couldn't hold back the chuckle, seemed her humor had stooped to the level of this club.

"What?" he said a bit confused. Amanda bit down on her lip to get a grip on herself.  
"I'm Lester," he said putting his palm to his chest. Amanda nodded.  
"If you need anything…" he said, that smile back across his face.

Amanda nodded again as she picked up the cherry on the stick. She placed it between her lips and met his eyes as they flipped up from her mouth to her eyes and then back down again. She pulled the stick out, let the cherry linger between her lips for a while before she swept it inside her mouth, the sweet taste filling her mouth as soon as she bit down on it a little.

Lester had to drag himself away as he got another customer further up the bar. Amanda swallowed the cherry as she watched him reluctantly pull himself away. _She wasn't interested in him though. She wasn't sure what she wanted or what she was doing here. _She tasted her drink, hoping the sour would wash away the acid down her throat. It was a little too tart though and her face crumbled slightly but she still had another taste. She wished she had another cherry to take away the bitterness that filled her mouth. A waitress passed on the inside of the bar and gave Amanda a smile. Amanda had been a little afraid people in here would recognize her from the bust but so far no one seemed to, except maybe the guy at the door and the one it the wardrobe. But she didn't recognize any of the girls she'd seen so far.

Her eyes went up to the mirror behind the bar and she watched the girl on stage thread her bra around the neck of one of the voyeurs. Amanda's eyes went around the stage, she saw the hungry eyes, the open mouths, the want, the lust. She took a deep breath feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotions suddenly. She remembered what it had been like up there. _The shame_. How she'd pushed through that shame and how surprisingly easy she'd gotten comfortable up there. How she'd thought she was in control, how she had all the power and how good it had felt to be seen. To actually be seen by others, how treacherous that attention might've even been. For a moment in time she'd been seen, and loved, and that had felt good.

She took another sip of her drink. Again her face crumbled but when she opened up her eyes again she downed the rest of it and shivered slightly as she put the glass back down on the bar.

_She'd been seen, she'd been loved and it had felt good. No, great._ But then there were the other parts that hadn't been either glamorous or even fun. On stage you felt rather in control, you chose which one to approach, which sucker you let fondle a dollar down your privates. Her eyes wandered over to where she knew the VIP area was, a girl was just leading a man through the red drapes. She remembered the feeling of being called up to one of those rooms. Alone with a total stranger that would sneak gropes, shower you with indecent proposals or even worse call you out on just how low on the food change you were. She'd met men in there that saw her less worthy than crap under their shoes and had no restrictions expressing it. Then she'd sunk even further and slept with a man for money. A man, if you could call him that, that had called her a whore as he thrusted inside of her. That had forced her head down in to the pillow as he literally had ripped her apart.

Amanda clinched her teeth and tried to repress the memories of just how low she'd sunk to get to her sister's killer. _But she'd gotten him. She'd caught him in the end. She had to believe it had all been worth it._

She'd lost track of the cowgirl performance on stage and when she looked up this time she caught the reflection of another girl sliding down the pole at the center stage. _She could sense how the pole had felt between her legs, against her bare skin, in her grip. She had mastered that pole_. The memory made her feel warm all over.

Her breath got caught in her throat as she saw him in the mirror, there was no second guessing where he was headed, he was coming straight at her and she bit down hard on her lip. She averted her eyes but she could still feel his eyes on her as he slid up on the chair next to her.

"Detective… Rollins," he said just loud enough for her to pick up over the music. She shot him a quick sideway glance, not at all as sturdy of a look as she'd wanted to shot him. _Why did just his presence make her feel flustered?_ _He was the offspring of the devil, she should loath him. _

"Don't tell me Les made you have one of his daiquiris," Anton said with a smile across his face.  
"They are hideous," he said leaning in and Amanda wasn't sure why she smiled. Or why his chest coming in contact with her arm made her feel tingly inside.

"Les," Anton said a little louder to call the bartender over. Anton held up two fingers in the air and Les seemed familiar with the silent language as he grabbed two new glasses from above the bar. Anton shot her a look before he made a 90 degree turn on his chair, making him face the stage as he leaned his elbows back on the bar as he owned it. _And he did own it_, Amanda thought to herself as she shot him a few glances out of the corner of her eye. Anton didn't say anything until Les came over with two tall drinks.

"Here you go boss," Les said and then diverged quickly. Anton spun 45 degrees, leaving him facing her. She could feel his knee brush up slightly against the side of her thigh, the other one right behind her ass. She both wanted to get away from him as well as feel him even closer.

"I'm sure this will be more to your liking," Anton said sliding one of the drinks closer to her. Amanda looked at it wondering if he'd made Les slip something in it. Anton's eyes narrowed slightly and she got a creepy sense he could read her thoughts. She didn't want him to think she was scared of him so she put the straw to her lips and had a taste. This one was just perfect in the balance between sweet and sour and the delightful taste got a calming effect on her as her shoulders relaxed a little and the knot in her gut seemed to ease slightly. Anton smiled, left his straw on the bar and had a taste himself.

"Are you going to keep me calling you detective Rollins?" Anton asked once the liquid had gone down his pipe. Amanda shot him an angsty look and then took another sip of her drink as she contemplated on whether to give him what he wanted or not. Anton kept studying her and perhaps it was to get him to back off she finally said;

"Amanda."

She met Anton's eyes right before he looked away towards the stage again. _Why had he asked for it if he wasn't going to use it, _she wondered feeling that knot form in her gut again_. Why did she let him play with her like this? Cause surely this was just a game for him. What was she doing there? What the hell was she doing here?_

"Come with me," he said suddenly as he stood up. She shot him a puzzled look.  
"Grab your drink, I want to show you something," he said taking a step away from the bar and from her. She just kept looking at him. _There was no way she would go anywhere with him._

"C'mon, I promise not to bite," he said extending his hand towards her. She looked at his extended hand, his skin looked soft, his hand and nails were well groomed. _She wondered what it would feel like to be touched by his hand._

He suddenly pulled back his hand a little, forcing her to raise her eyes to meet his.

"Unless you want me to?" he smiled, making those hypnotizing eyes of his sparkle. It was such a cheesy line but she still couldn't help but smile.

"C'mon," he urged as his hand came reaching for her again.

Her hand felt stuck to the bar though, unable to move. She felt and watched his hand go down her arm. Demanding but caressing at the same time. She wanted to withdraw her hand when she felt his fingers lace around hers but it was not the touch itself but the worry he would feel her scar. She didn't have time to worry for long though as she felt herself get pulled from the bar.

She had the drink in her other hand as she moved with him away from the bar. They were moving across the floor, passing tables and preying eyes but she could look at nothing but the back of his neck and the occasional look he shot her over his shoulder. She felt almost mesmerized by him, like she was in a trance but once she realized where he was taking her she pulled back a bit. He stopped and gave her a smile as he turned back towards her. It was a soft smile but something wicked blended in there if it weren't just the lights playing tricks on her.

He leaned in, she wanted to shy away but he held on too hard to her hand.

"I promise you're safe with me," he said just loud enough to hear over the music, "Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen."

It wasn't the most reassuring she could hear, _what did she want?_ She knew she shouldn't go anywhere with him but she still felt herself get swept towards the dark red velvet draping the entrance to the back rooms. A girl was just about to leave with a customer right behind her and Anton held up the drape for them. The girl shot Amanda a scrutinizing look from top to toe. Amanda felt her heart beat faster as Anton let her hand go, swiped his arm around her waist to push her inside.

Somehow the open space inside and the music subsiding as soon as Anton let the drape go behind them made her calm down almost immediately. Her heart didn't pound as much but she still knew she shouldn't be there. _I shouldn't be here_.

She felt him step up right behind her and she held her breath as his mouth came up right by her ear.

"Fancy right?" he asked, his warm breath over her ear sending shivers down her back.

She wasn't sure what he was talking about but then she grasped that he was hinting to a neatly set table in the middle of the room. It looked arranged for a party with fancy napkins and wine glasses in front of every seat.

He stepped away from her which made her able to breathe again. He moved towards the table as he had a taste of his drink.

"One of my girls is getting married this weekend and I'm throwing the happy couple a dinner tomorrow night," he informed her letting his hand drag over the silk draped chairs.  
"You see I care for my girls, I take care of my girls," he said throwing a look at her over his shoulder.

_So did he only want to prove to her he treated his girls nicely? Was he only using her to get the police off his back? _She put her glass to her mouth and welcomed the slight burn the alcohol caused at the back of her throat. She had some more hoping it would take the edge off some of the conflicting feelings she was having right now. _What had she really expected? What did she want? Why was she even here?_

She had a look around the room as she tried to get out of her own thoughts. The room looked different than a couple of days ago. The walls had the same silver draping as the table and chairs. The dingy wood panel peeked out through the draping though, hinting to what a charade the room really was. It was like the room wore a mask.

If she recalled right there had been a few contraptions on the wall but they were either removed or hidden behind the draping now. The sex swing in one corner was still up and out though. As well as the pole attached to that low, round mirror stage not far from the table. A pole surely used at numerous occasions during private gatherings in here.

"I left the swing up, you never know what newlyweds want to get up to right?" he said interrupting her thoughts. He gave her a cheeky smile when her eyes landed on him. She watched him down the rest of his drink and put the glass down on the table before he came walking over to her again. She held her breath again as he came right up to her. She could feel his breath on her face, that's how close he was. She tried to stay completely still, afraid that just a slight movement would mean their bodies would touch and she wasn't sure she could handle that right now. She didn't want him to think she was afraid of him either so she tried to ease her face a little, and didn't back down from his stare. _Where was her confidence from the other night?_

He took a step to the side of her. She felt his hand brush up her arm. His touch got heavier as it got up to her shoulder. When his fingers reached her bare skin on her neck she inhaled and took a step forward to get away from him. She glanced his way over her shoulder as she had a taste of her drink. She thought she saw a smile on his face but she wasn't sure. For some reason she feared she had angered him by stepping away.

He took a step after her and she lowered her drink, wanting the sleeve to cover up her hand. This time he didn't touch her but she felt his breath on her hair.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked with barely a whisper.  
"I'm not afraid," she heard herself answer.  
"Good," he said.

She could feel his eyes go down her neck and then further down her back.

"No harm will come to you Amanda," he said louder, with an almost tender voice, "I've promised you that and if you knew me you'd know that I always come true on my promises."

She had another taste of her drink, this time holding on to her glass with both hands so she could hold her sleeves up at the same time.

"I would like to get to know you though," he said as he took a step to her side and then kept walking. _Don't go_. He didn't stop until he'd reached the swing over by the corner, letting his hand run up the leather strips as he turned his eyes back at her.

"And for you to get to know me," he said as his hands kept tugging at the contraption. Something tingled down her core, it was both pleasant and frightening. He grabbed a hold of the swing with both hands, looked as though he tried if it would hold his weight. He looked her way with a smug grin over his face.

"Would you like to get to know me Amanda?" he asked. He looked at her like he expected an answer. It felt as though his intense stare was suffocating her. She wanted to answer that she wanted to leave but she wasn't sure that was what was going to come out through her lips as she opened her mouth. Before she had a chance to find out what she was about to say his phone suddenly started ringing.

He held up a finger in the air as to make her hold on to that thought as he dug out his phone from the inner pocket of his jacket. She swallowed hard and then downed the last of her drink. She put the glass down on the table not caring if she disrupted the nice setting, he'd done the same. Anton moved around the swing, whoever was on the other line got his full attention and seemed to do most the talking as Anton just hummed every now and then.

Amanda had a closer look at the table. She could tell where the bride and groom were supposed to sit. Anton, or perhaps one of his workers, had placed a plastic crown and tiara on their plates. She picked up the tiara and had a closer look at it and missed Anton glancing over at her. When she'd put the tiara down again she continued down the table. She took a walk around the low podium surrounding the pole.

She glanced Anton's way, made sure he was still busy on his phone before she reached out and just barely touched the metallic pole. It felt cold under her touch, almost painfully cold but her hand still went in to touch it again and this time her fingers wrapped around it. She glanced Anton's way again, he was talking silently but somewhat agitated in to the phone, still hiding slightly behind the swing.

She held on to the pole as she stepped up on the tiny stage. She found herself getting close to it with her body as both hands familiarly wrapped around it. Her hands slid up and down the pole a few times, getting reunited with an old friend. She tried leaning back a little worrying her hands wouldn't be able to hold her weight but they seemed to be up for the job. She snaked one leg around the pole and leaned back again, this time letting her grip around the pole go. It felt different without high heels on and with the barrier of her jeans between the pole and her skin.

She put both feet down again, glancing over at Anton, worrying he'd seen her. He was busy, now gesturing slightly with his free hand as he was talking low in to his phone. She took a spin around the pole while watching him. He seemed worked up about something. Her focus got pulled to the red drape as a barely dress girl stepped through escorted by an older man in a suit. They both watched her as they passed through the room. The girl with a flirtatious smile on her face, the man looking more cofounded by her presence there. He probably didn't think she fitted in there, especially not with that much clothes on. Amanda followed them with her eyes as they walked down the corridor. The girl opened up one of the closest doors and let the man enter first. Before she slipped in to the room she gave Amanda a wink. For some reason Amanda smiled.

Without giving it much thought she grabbed a hold of the pole, wrapped a leg around it again and this time jumped up and took a swing around it in the air. She liked the sensation in her gut, her hair flowing free in the air for a few seconds. She picked up the beat of the music from outside or maybe it was from inside the VIP room? Either way she squatted down in front of the pole, moved her hip back and forth as she came back up. Her feet moved along with the flow and she started grinding the pole. She felt a slight chuckle come up her throat but it suddenly got stuck and she stopped moving, pressing herself closer to the pole.

She didn't see him but she felt him. She knew his eyes were on her and she had a hard time breathing. She gripped the pole with both hands as it was her only lifeline right now.

"If you ever need another job..." he said and confirmed he was standing right behind her. If the pole wasn't holding her up right now she was pretty sure she would've buckled down right there on the spot. She felt even more lightheaded as she felt him step up behind her on the podium, his arms coming up on either side of her and his hands clinging on to the pole underneath hers. This time he didn't stay separated from her but pressed his body close to hers, pinning her down between himself and the pole.

"You looked like a pro," he whispered digging through her hair with his jaw to get his mouth right by her ear.  
"That phone call," she hurried to say, needing to focus on something quickly to not completely lose touch with reality, "bad news? Seemed to have you agitated."

"Nothing that bad..." he breathed, his lips brushing up against her ear.  
"A friend perhaps?" she tried, "Jason. Or Marion?"

She felt him tense up slightly and she waited nervously, _excitedly?_, for what he would do to her.

"Do you want to interrogate me detective Rollins?" he whispered and the next moment she gasped loudly as he pushed his groin in to her back, hers getting pinned against the pole in a painfully yet pleasurable way.

"Is that why you came here?" he breathed pushing her even harder against the pole. She let out a silent whimper.  
"Are you wired?" he asked. She wasn't sure if he was teasing or being serious.  
"Do I need to frisk you maybe?" he threaten and then swiped his tongue right in front of her ear. Her legs felt weak and she was sure she would crumble right now if he weren't pinning her to the pole.

The music suddenly got a little louder and he turned his head around to greet one of his girls walking in. Amanda was able to breathe a little better as he stepped of her slightly but she had to intense her grip around the pole to hold herself upright.

"Madison," Anton singsanged, "You guys picked the right lady, she'll show you a hell of a good time."  
"That's what we're counting on," one of the two guys following the blonde girl said.

Amanda couldn't really face them, kept her eyes down on their feet as they passed them.

"She's one of my best," Anton let her know as the three walked down the corridor, "I bet you could give her a run for her money though."

He'd come in closer again but suddenly left her all together as he stepped off the podium. She missed his proximity.

"Be gentle now Madison," Anton hollered down the corridor as the girl went in after the two gents. Maybe gents was the wrong word though.

"We need another drink," Anton said and walked up in front of her. He extended his hand to her. _How could he be thinking of drinks right now?  
_"C'mon," he said and quickly got annoyed when she didn't move a muscle.

"C'mon," he said a bit more brusquely and looked pleased as she let go of the pole and reached out to put her hand in his. He more or less yanked her off the podium, kept walking the moment he had a grip around her hand. He brought her down the corridor and in through the door at the very end. He pulled her in ahead of himself and then slammed the door shut so hard behind them she thought she felt the breeze of it on her back. The room fell quiet as he walked around his desk, all she heard was her own strained breathing. _Relax_.

She'd never been down there before. A couple of days ago as they raided this place her job had been to round up the ladies behind the stage area. She'd heard of the office though, she'd read Liv's transcript from her interview with Phoebe. _Nothing good happens in there_.

_What the hell was she doing there?_

Anton got a bottle and two glasses out of his drawer and then came walking around to her again. He watched her as he skillfully twisted the top of the bottle with the same hand he was holding it with, and he kept his eyes on her as he poured the amber liquid in to the two glasses he was holding in his other hand. She couldn't let go of his intense stare. _He had his father's eyes_.

She took the glass he held out towards her and brought it up to her lips to have a taste. He did the same after he'd put the bottle down on the desk and leaned down against it himself. He kept watching her as he drank, let his eyes go up and down a body as though it was his right to check her over in that degrading way. She'd managed to pull her eyes away from his but she could feel them on her. She'd put an arm around herself, kept the glass close to her mouth once she had enough.

"So..." he finally said and she was relieved that he'd broken the intense silence.  
"...are you wired?" he asked when she finally looked at him. His eyes went down her body and slowly crept up again. His eyes were invasive, she felt violated just by his look. _She liked it_.

She managed to shake her head a little. He made a humming sound as he seemed to think something over.

"But can I trust you to be honest with me?" he asked with a smile. A smile that spread further across his face as she shook her head again. He cocked his head as to make her come closer towards him. She felt petrified but still her feet seemed to move towards him. She stopped about an arms length away from him still grasping around herself and with her glass right by her chin.

The liquid splashed around in her glass a little as he grabbed a hold of her belt and roughly pulled her in between his already separated legs. She pulled a strained breath once she found her balance against him. His fingers were still around her belt, his eyes still holding on to hers.

"I'm going to have to frisk you," he whispered.

He turned slightly to put his glass down on the desk but he kept his grip around her belt. When he turned back around he slapped her arm off to the side to give him access to her and then he let his hand slide up her stomach, up between her breasts. He took his time, let his eyes come up to meet hers ever so often. He spread his palm out on to her widely, went back down between her breasts and in underneath one of them. He followed the slight bulge, came up around almost to her armpit only to turn back down again. When he got to the middle he turned his hand over, let his fingers lead the way under her other breast and up around it. This time when he went back to the middle he took a shortcut right across her breast and she bit down on her lip as he passed her erect nipple.

He let go off her belt but grabbed a hold again the second she tried to separate herself from him. He held on, shaking his head slightly as to warn her from trying that again. He didn't give her a chance though as his hands went around her midsection and up her back supposedly searching for a wire. He pressed her up against himself while doing so, leaving his face dangerously close to her chest. She held her breath staring blankly to the side of his head as his hands searched their way down her back again. His hands went down her ass, one hand tracing her phone in her back pocket as the other one went further down making her in desperate need of oxygen. The breath she pulled got stuck several times on its way down and it didn't help that his face got even closer to hers as he leaned in even more. She felt his breath on her neck and she could feel her hand, the one that she was still holding her glass with, starting to tremble.

"You know," he whispered with a hot breath, his hands resting right below her ass, "Not trusting you... turns me on."

His lips swept up over her bare skin up to her ear. _She felt repulsed. She felt aroused. _

_She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted him to leave her alone. She wanted him to violate her. _

She felt him open his mouth right below her ear and she waited for the contact but then the door suddenly opened up behind her and she felt robbed of the connection as Anton held her a little to the side to be able to see who had come in to interrupt him.

"Oh sorry," Andy mumbled in the doorway, "I didn't know you had anyone in here."  
"Well I did, what do you want?" Anton asked crossed.  
"Problem, I really need to talk to you," Andy said.  
"Now?" Anton asked miserably.  
"Now," Andy said.

Anton rose up from the desk without letting her go, their bodies still connected, and the fabric in her clothes felt rough against her skin as his rubbed up against her. His one hand came up to her neck, swept her hair back a little as he studied her face. She was unable to meet his eyes.

"Finish your drink," he whispered, "make yourself comfortable, I'll be back in a minute."

He lingered though, his hand tightening a little down on her ass while the other one got gentler playing with a few strands of her hair.

"When I come back," he whispered leaning down to her ear, "I'll do a more extensive search... if you want me to."

His lips connected with the side of her face before he stepped away. His hand stayed on her as long as possible, its memory making her quiver all over as it finally left.

Trembling she turned her head to watch them leave the office, leaving the door open. She turned back around putting her glass down so she could grab the desk with both hands. Her legs felt like jell-o, her whole body felt like jell-o. She managed to take a few deep breaths and she started to feel a little more functional. She stood up and turned around. She couldn't see Anton or Andrew in the corridor but suddenly one of the doors closest to the office opened up.

The blonde girl, _Madison right?_, peeked out. She looked down the other way first but then her head spun around and she smiled once she caught Amanda staring back at her. She took a step out from the room. Her breasts were bare. _They hadn't been as she passed them earlier right? _Amanda couldn't stop staring at her. One of the guys that had escorted her in there showed up. He followed Madison's gaze over to Amanda. He'd seemed a little annoyed when he first showed up but now his face turned friendly. He kept staring at Amanda while his hand snaked around Madison's waist. His other hand came up to her bare chest and he caressed one of her breasts.

"We could use another blonde," he smiled and then turned to Madison. Put his mouth on her cheek, his tongue making a quick visit to her skin.  
"Why don't you ask your friend to join us?" he said just loud enough for Amanda to pick it up too.

Madison looked a little cheeky but it was more a reaction to what he'd said then the fact he was groping her rather shamelessly.

"Nah," Madison giggled, "she belongs to Anton tonight."

She pushed the guy back inside and brought the door with her as she stepped back in after him. Amanda's eyes went further down the corridor, anxious she would see Anton coming back. _She didn't belong to anyone. She wasn't a property. What was she doing there? _

She gathered herself quickly and moved towards the back door she knew would take her to the alley and out of there. It was locked and she fumbled a little to get the lock up. She panicked when it still wouldn't open but felt relieved as she noticed the deadbolt further up. To her horror she spotted a fence when she got the door open but again she was able to breathe as it easily fell open as she put her hand against the cold metal.

She hurried outside in to the air that had gotten a little chilly in the shadow of the alley. She realized she didn't have her jacket as soon as the chilly air got its grip on her but she couldn't be bothered with that now. _She had to get away from there before it was too late. It would soon be too late to ever get away. _

**Fin had just started to** worry as he got the text from her. He didn't understand what was going on as he took the stairs down to the gate. The text had simply read "_can you come down and let me in_".

"Where's your keys?" he asked a bit puzzled as did just that.  
"And where's your jacket?" he asked with a frown as she just hurried passed him. She was rubbing her arms like she was cold.

"I left it behind," she mumbled as she kept walking inside.  
"Behind where?" Fin asked troubled.

She didn't seem interested in conversation and looked a little annoyed as he didn't get in to the elevator fast enough.

"Amanda?" he asked when she wasn't explaining what was going on. She pushed the button repeatedly until the elevator doors finally closed.

"What?" she asked annoyed while she kept her eyes off him.  
"Where have you been?"  
"Working," she said with a shrug.  
"No, Keith said he dropped you off at least two hours ago," Fin said.  
"What are you checking up on me now?" she said angrily and got out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened on their floor.  
"No I didn't, Nick told me."  
"So _he's_ checking up on me? Great," Amanda sighed.

She yanked at the door a little but Fin had locked it as he went down, he didn't trust his neighbors.

"No," Fin said without any further explanation, "but I'm starting to think maybe we should."  
"Just get the door open Fin," she grunted.

She seemed wired to him, not able to stand still but rocked back and forth on her feet. He got the door open and she ducked inside quickly.

"Amanda," he called after her but she was already halfway down the corridor when he got inside. He heard the door to her bedroom slam shut. He tried taking a deep breath, hoping that would calm him down. He was pissed. _Why did she have to keep worrying him? Why couldn't she just... _He took another deep breath. _He realized what she'd been through these last couple of weeks. Of course she would have to be able to react to all of that. Of course that would bother her and he would have to give her time. Maybe some space too. _

He tried both for the moment but later he couldn't keep himself from her door. He had to make sure she was okay. She said she was. Through the door. He asked her if she wanted some dinner but she said she wasn't hungry. Again, through the door. She turned down watching the new episode of What could possibly go wrong? with him and with that he left her alone.

Later he heard her come out but never got to see her. He heard the bathroom door, the shower getting turned on. He thought about surprising her in the corridor, pretend as though he'd only been passing just as she came out but he knew she would see right through him. She could read him so easily. He wished he could read her just as well.

Her bedroom door closing again was the last he heard of her that night. He didn't even linger by her door as he decided to turn in. It hurt too much to feel that barrier between them and he didn't want to think too much as he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep then. And he needed to sleep. Her nightmares had haunted them both for a couple of nights in a row now.

**The next morning she** was silent. It wasn't out of the ordinary for either one of them to be but something told him she was silent for a reason. She seemed troubled, and like she hadn't slept much. He wanted to ask her but he was afraid to and let her be. Hoped she would tell him if she needed help with whatever seemed to be on her mind this morning. She did ask him if he could drive once they were down in the garage and he didn't mind.

She'd been up most of the night worrying about whatever had gone down earlier that night. _Why had she felt a need to see Anton? How could she have let him play with her like that? And why had she enjoyed his handling of her? And how on earth would she explain to Olivia that she was missing her badge? _

All those questions and more were still grinding around in her head as they walked in to the station. The uniform at the gate called her over as they were about to enter the squad room. She fully expected him to hand her a note or something else case related but instead he picked up a paper bag from the floor down by his desk.

"Some girl dropped this off for you earlier," he said as he handed her the bag.

Amanda saw the fabric of her jacket the moment she laid eyes on the content inside.

"Thanks," she said relieved as she walked further in. She gave Nick a quick nod as she passed, there were no sign of Keith yet. She hurried down to the bunks, wanting to check that her badge was still in her jacket. She pulled the jacket up quickly once she'd closed the door behind her. She sighed once she felt the badge inside her pocket. Her keys were in another pocket but she hadn't even worried about those. She saw a note at the bottom of the paper bag and picked it up.

"Thought you would miss this," the note read, "Such a nice jacket after all. I want to see you again. I'll even let you do the frisking. A"

Amanda looked to the door, a little afraid someone would walk in and catch her smiling at the note. _Was it okay for her to smile at the note?_ She folded it up a couple of times and then hid it in her locker. She switched jackets, leaving the one she'd come in with in the locker and brought her regular one with her out in to the squad room. She had to get her mind in check. Work would hopefully make her able to focus.

**The day pulled the** squad in different directions, trying to work three cases simultaneous. Liv had spent the morning down at 1PP and then had a working lunch with Barba. When she came walking in she could see Fin and Keith through the glass sitting at the briefing table, both hunched over a laptop each.

She walked up to Nick who was drumming away at his keyboard.

"What's going on?" she asked sensing some tension in the air.  
"Rollins found a lead... in the case of the vic still in the hospital," Nick said without looking up from his computer. Liv was just about to ask what the lead was when Amanda came rushing around the corner with her arms full of her opened laptop, case files and her phone.

"Got him," she breathed excitedly as she put her laptop down so she could hook it to the big screen on the wall. Nick quickly got up from his desk and hurried over there along with Liv. Amanda spotted Liv and cocked her head briefly before she concentrated back on her computer.

"Okay, so I told you about the search I did, the tattoo, the hit in Maryland, the untested rape kit," Amanda said out loud to catch Liv up on where they'd left it yesterday. Liv put her large pile of papers down on the table and tried to focus on whatever it was Amanda wanted to show them on the screen. Windows were opening back and forth though and documents moved across the screen so quickly Liv couldn't really keep up. Finally Amanda seemed to have gotten them in order and started to connect the dots for them.

They had a rape victim in Maryland from two years ago, Amanda put the woman's face up on the screen and gave them a quick recap of it. It shared some similarities to their recent case but nothing conclusive and the rape kit had never been tested so they didn't have a DNA link. The woman was a working girl and she did have consensual sex with the man before something seemed to flip in the man's head and he'd started beating the crap out of her and completed a rape. She had mentioned several tattoos of mythical creatures on the man's torso.

Amanda mentioned two cases Nick had found in New York over the past two years, the assailant with mythical creatures on his torso and with similar body shape as with the woman in Maryland. This time he'd seemed to settle with beating the crap out of the women. The photos taken at the hospital of the two women made Liv hiss, he had messed them up seriously.

Amanda had done another search and found a domestic violence case from four years back. The police had been called several times to the couple's home, then residents in Maryland, in a city not far from the one where the working girl had been beaten and raped. Finally the woman had said enough is enough and gone through with the charges. She'd gained a restraining order that the man had, of course, violated and ended up beating her badly again. He'd served 8 months and during that time the woman had gotten full custody of their two kids and moved to an undisclosed location.

Amanda put the mug shot of the husband up on the screen. Jack Cullen. He didn't really look like the monster Liv had imagined but you just never knew. The man had stayed in Maryland for about a year but then moved to New York where he'd been set up with a job at a distant family member's firm. They did construction work.

Jack Cullen didn't seem popular with either his work mates or the law. He'd been in numerous fights since he'd moved to New York. Amanda put up a recent mug shot of him and Liv might have actually gasped. He'd certainly built himself up somewhere along the line. He already had the height but now he had the muscles to match it. He'd been caught with steroids at one point but gotten off on some technicality.

Fin handed Liv his rap sheet as well as his current address and the name and number of the distant family member that had employed him. Liv scanned them quickly. She was still a little worried that they didn't have any DNA to tie him to their case but they had certainly dug up enough to bring the guy in.

"Good work," Liv said and made sure Amanda heard it, "I'm not sure we have enough to arrest him yet but we definitely need to talk to him. Why don't all of you go, this guy looks like he can be a handful and judging by the run in with the law..."

Liv didn't want to take any risks with her squad and felt rather secure as she saw all four of them leave. She headed in to her office to give Barba a call, he would surely have something smart to say about her missing him already.

**They took two cars** to be more mobile in case they wouldn't find Jack at the office of his relative. They drove across the Brooklyn Bridge to get down to the docks where the office could be found. Fin had the wheel in one of the cars. His mind was elsewhere though, not at the case as he was worried about Amanda who'd been quiet most of the day up until she found that solid lead right after lunch.

"You okay?" he had to ask. She'd been staring out the passenger window but now shot him a look.  
"You okay?" he asked again as he wasn't sure she'd heard him.

"Why shouldn't I be?" she asked sounding a little annoyed as she went back to looking out her window.  
"You've been quiet since yesterday," he said and couldn't keep his own annoyance from his tone.  
"Maybe I just haven't felt a need to talk," she mumbled.  
"Well maybe that makes me worry about you," he said.  
"Well just stop," she said refusing to look at him.

Fin felt some anger boiling down his gut and even though he knew it wasn't the right time he couldn't keep quiet.

"Where were you yesterday?" he asked.  
"Just tell me where you were," he demanded when she didn't answer.  
"Seriously Fin," she moaned leaning back in her seat, "You can't keep checking up on me. I'm a big girl."  
"Well act like one then," he challenged.

She finally gave him a look, an obvious irritated one. He was a good driver but he held her eyes a little too long and had to swerve as he got too close to the railing.

"Fuck," Amanda breathed and grabbed a hold of the door as she felt herself pressed up against it by the rapid veer. Fin had gritted his teeth during the rushed maneuver and took a deep breath as they were back to cruising safely in the middle of the lane again. Amanda gave him a glare before she looked back to make sure they hadn't managed to drive Nick off the bridge.

"What happened back there?" Keith asked as they jumped out of their parked cars out on one of the docks. Either Fin or Amanda answered him but just started walking towards where they thought they could find the office. Keith and Nick exchanged a look before they hurried after them. There was obvious tension between them that didn't get better as they had trouble locating the office. Rollins impatient as always and Fin snipping at her which seemed a little out of character for him.

When they finally found the distant relative of Jack Cullen they learnt Jack functioned as an inspector these days. Without saying it straight out they understood that he didn't really function in the construction team so he'd gotten _promoted_ to inspector so he could work on his own.

Right now he was in East Flatbush looking at a built site they were potentially taking over. They got intel on what car he was driving and the exact coordinates of the built site. Amanda was thankful it was only a short drive over there, she'd actually contemplated jumping in Nick's car instead but that would obviously have raised even more eyebrows at the nosey twins.

The gate to the built site had been locked back up but they could see Jack's car parked further in. They parked out of sight and then managed to squeeze through the gate on at a time. Fin got a little more annoyed that Amanda of course had to be the first one in, it was like she had a need to put herself in jeopardy wherever they went.

The built site consisted of two separated apartment buildings standing back to back. It was just the shells of buildings, nothing but mostly floor and roof of about six or seven levels on each building. There were some walls up with gaping squares. They couldn't spot Jack anywhere.

"Split up?" Keith asked. Amanda seemed to think that was a good idea, nodded and then started heading towards one of the buildings without waiting for anyone. Fin sighed, exchanged a look with Nick but then headed after her. He couldn't leave his partner's back to anyone else.

"Hey, wait up," Fin said as he caught up to her. She looked as though she wanted to say something but she kept quiet. They cleared the bottom level rather easily and made it up the stairs. Amanda spotted Nick and Keith already on the first floor over in the other building. It did bother her a little that they'd gotten up there before them but she tried to push that out of her mind and focus on clearing the floor so they could go further up.

Suddenly they heard what sounded like a phone ringing further up. Amanda moved towards the closest wall which happened to be the one facing the other building. She caught sight of Keith who also seemed to have the same idea. Looking up Amanda spotted some plastic blowing in the wind and she wasn't sure but it looked as though a figure was moving behind it. They heard a distant voice echoing between the buildings.

She spotted Nick further in going for his gun and she felt a tad bit jealous as he waved Keith over as though he'd pinned Jack's position over in their building. She turned back as Keith brought his gun out and followed Nick up the stairs to the next floor.

"He's in the other building," Amanda grunted silently as she found Fin having gone round the floor to clear it. Fin looked over and saw their partners moving up the stairs.

"Should we head over?" Amanda asked wanting to be a part of the action but knowing they probably wouldn't get there in time now anyway.  
"Let's just make sure," Fin said though and moved towards the stair.

They cleared the second floor, Amanda trying to focus on her task while shooting jealous looks over at the other building where the boys got to sneak around with their guns raised. _She figured maybe she could get up ahead and get a visual on Jack and to help out that way? Maybe she could even get a chance to clip him if he had some kind of weapon? _She took the next flight of stairs without waiting for Fin and she did a quick sweep just to make sure he wasn't in there. Her focus was shared with the other building at the same time. The figure she thought she'd seen was on the fifth floor so she hurried up to the same level in their building.

She was just about to rush in to the room closest to the plastic when she spotted Jack Cullen pressed up to a beam with his eyes on the other building. She pulled back the gasp and ducked back behind the wall in the staircase. She went for her gun as she tried to collect herself. She thought about trying to warn Fin but she really had no idea if he was one or two floors below her right now. She peeked back out and felt a chill go down her spine as she spotted the gun in Jack's hands. _Shit shit shit_, she thought as she ducked back.

When she peeked back out she realized Jack had one of her partners in sight and he was aiming his gun straight at him. His gun was just slightly raised but that might be the perfect angle on her partners. If she fired now a shot might go off. If she shouted he might fire too. She'd seen an opening in the door behind him and she silently but rapidly moved around the staircase to get out on the other side.

Her heart was pounding hard as she got out on the same side as where Jack was lurking but with a wall between them. Amanda had a peek outside at the other building, she spotted Nick going through a room a floor below them. _Shit shit shit_. Amanda took a deep breath before she peeked through the opening in the wall. She estimated he was about five yards from her. Then there was about two yards to the edge of the building, a fall five stories down if she charged him and they fell the wrong way. _She knew it was risky but what was she supposed to do?_ Her eyes had searched for something, anything, she could toss to take his attention away from the other building but there was nothing. She was still rational enough though to realize there was just no way she'd be able to take him in a struggle. She had to lure him away from the beam.

She had another peek and now Jack looked really ready to fire. She just couldn't wait. She used the heel of her boot, dragged it back and forth in the slight gravel on the concrete floor. She wasn't sure if it was enough, if he'd heard it so she used the handle of her gun against the wall, punched it as hard as she dared to. She undid the safety as she thought she heard something on the other side of the wall. She held her breath, sure she could hear someone moving towards her.

The moment she spotted his gun she used her own settled arms and came crashing up underneath his hands. The impact against his metal rods for arms would've surely hurt if the adrenalin didn't pump through her body at max at that very moment. She managed to hurt him enough, or maybe surprise him enough to lose his grip around the gun. It fell through the air but he found himself too quickly and before she could get another blow in or even aim her gun at him he'd grabbed both her wrists and somehow managed to flung her back in to the room where he'd just come from.

He growled and seemed to be after her gun but she held on to it, trying to get her fingers back on the trigger. She didn't manage to though and he flung her another way. Somehow she managed to land on her feet this time and aimed a kick at his knee the moment she was down. She got a perfect hit on his knee cap but it was like hitting a concrete beam, nothing happened other than a wide grin spreading across his face as he caught a look at her stunned eyes.

This time when he flung her he aimed her body at the wall and she hit it hard, air knocked out of her as he let go off her wrists and she fell to the floor.

"Hey," Nick shouted out having suddenly seen Amanda's body getting flung through the air by Jack's hands.  
"Let her be," he shouted trying to get closer to the edge to get a better aim. Jack disappeared out of sight though. Keith came running towards Nick.

"Fin," Nick shouted spotting him a floor below. _What the hell where they doing separated like that?_ he managed to think as he kept calling for Fin.  
"Two floors up, hurry," he shouted.  
"C'mon," he screamed at Keith as he took off towards the stairs, they had to get over there.

Fin moved up the first flight of stairs as fast as he could. He heard a struggle as he took the second flight of stairs.

"Police," he shouted moving towards the sound. He took the corner swiftly but then froze as he caught sight of what was in front of him.  
"Stop right there," Jack hissed, "or I'll toss her right over the edge."

Amanda was in the air, hanging by a chokehold in front of Jake. Every now and then she managed to get a toe on the ground but she relied most on her clutch around his wrists, trying to leverage herself up a little so his hands wouldn't press up against her throat as much. The devastation she saw in Fin's eyes didn't help in her efforts to try and stay calm. _She knew she was fucked._

"Better yet," Jack snickered, "I'll snap your partner's little pretty neck."

Amanda wheezed as Jack's big hands tighten its grip around her throat.

"Don't, just... stay calm," Fin tried at the same time as he tried to circle round them a little to get Jack away from the edge. Jack was using Amanda as a shield but he was so big parts of him were easy targets around her. Fin was a little scared taking that risk though.

"Stop. Stay still," Jack shouted, dangling Amanda around a little. She looked like a ragdoll in his hands, her weight was nothing for him.

"Okay, okay," Fin said easing a little on the tight grip he had around his gun, "just put her down, let her breathe."  
"Breathe?" Jack threw back at him, "I decide if she breaths or not. I have the power here."  
"Yes, yes you do, tell me what I can do for you to let her go," Fin said in an attempt to play along with Jack.

Jack looked pleased at this. His interest seemed to shift back at Amanda again, he moved her head a little to the side so he could have a look at her. Fin saw a chance to put one through his eyes but Amanda was struggling a little in his grip, she obviously had a hard time breathing so Fin didn't judge her for not staying still to make his work easier but it made him miss the moment and Jack again was taking cover behind her head.

"Jack, tell me what I can do for you to let her down," Fin shouted.  
"You're going to kill me the moment I do," Jack answered.  
"No, I'm not here to kill you, we just want to talk with you," Fin tried but Jack wasn't having it.  
"Right," he screamed louder making Amanda flinch as the sound hit her.

She'd been trapped in her own mind for a while, the lack of air and the squeezing around her neck bringing her to places she'd rather stay out of. The sound pulled her back to present though and she let go with one hand and tried to reach back to scratch him or just do something other than just dangling there like a defenseless puppet. Jack just snickered at her attempts though that he easily evaded.

Fin meanwhile made another attempt to just move slightly around them and unconsciously it seemed to work on Jack as he moved slightly away from the edge. At the same time Jack caught sight of something on her hand and let one hand go around her neck, he only needed one to have a steady grip around her though. He caught her hand and brought it back to his face to have a closer look at it. Amanda, who at least could breathe a little better with just one paw around her neck growled a little at how he just turned her hand back and forth studying it without her able to do anything to hinder him. He was a monster.

"You _are_ a wildcat aren't you," he chuckled, "someone had to nail you down bitch? Someone showed you a good time?"

He grabbed her wrist and held out her hand in front of her face like he wanted to show her what he was talking about. _Like she didn't know she was a scarred freak_.

"Hey," Fin shouted not able to let anyone talk that way to his partner.  
"I have a wildcat on my hands, literally," Jack chuckled at his own joke. He let her wrist go and grabbed on with both hands around her neck again.

"Just let her go and we'll work this out," Fin said.  
"There's nothing to work out, you know I raped that girl, probably killed her for all I know and I don't care. I'm not going back inside. You're either going to let me go or I'm taking this bitch with me to hell."  
"We'll let you go," Fin said. Jack snorted.  
"Right. And your pretty boys over there, they'll let me go too if I walk down that stair?"  
"They will if I tell them to," Fin said.  
"No I have a better idea," Jack said.  
"Okay, let me know your idea."  
"_You're_ going to walk down the stairs, leave me with this wildcat for a while..."  
"That's not going to happen," Fin interrupted Jack.  
"Oh it's going to happen," Jack said, "put your gun down."

Fin shook his head a little.

"Put your gun down," Jack screamed louder and raised Amanda a little higher up in the air. From the looks of it he squeezed her neck harder as well as her face crumbled in to a painful frown and her entire face turned a deeper shade of red as she fought for air.

"Okay, okay," Fin said raising his hands in the air.

Jack looked pleased and put Amanda down. As soon as she got her legs on the ground though she tried to kick him again, furious about being used as a toy in his hands. Jack moved one hand down around her waist and pulled herself in to him. He hissed something in her ear that Fin couldn't hear. It didn't look as it made Amanda any less raging but it did make her stop moving around as much.

"Kick your gun over to me," Jack said, keeping Amanda close to himself.  
"I'll kick it away from both of us okay?" Fin tried but Jack didn't want him to make up the rules it seemed.  
"You do as I say," Jack shouted.

Fin put his gun down and then deliberately kicked it a little to the side of him hoping to pull him even further from the edge. The guy was big, he was most probably on steroids but Fin knew he would at least have a shot in a fist fight with him. Either an edge or a gun he wouldn't be able to take on though so he was planning on making a move as Jack went for the gun.

Fin waited for the right moment, tried to make eye contact with Amanda to clue her in on what he was planning. Her eyes went by his a couple of times but he never managed to keep them, she looked mostly focus on trying to breathe right now. She did seem ready too though as Jack had to let her go a little to reach the gun. She managed to get an elbow in his chest and she tried clawing at his face and Fin saw his chance to move in as Jack got preoccupied.

Jack saw him coming though and immediately backed up, raising Amanda out in front of him squeezing her neck even harder than before. Amanda squealed.

"Stay back," Jack screamed as he folded back in to the connecting room through the opening where Amanda had waited for him just minutes ago before everything seemed to backfire.

Fin growled as he felt forced to stay back. At least Jack didn't have his gun but he still had Amanda in a deadly grip.

"Stay there," Jack shouted as he took a step further back. Fin felt frustrated not knowing what the other room looked like. _Was there another edge nearby? Would he toss her? He wasn't sure what was worse, seeing her drop or getting her neck snapped in front of him._ Nothing of that could happen though but he wasn't sure what to do right now.

"You're going to walk back down those stairs or she dies right here, right now," Jack threaten.  
"We both know she'll die if I do that," Fin said through clinched teeth. Jack snickered.  
"I promise I won't kill her, she'll be bruised but I promise not to kill her," Jack gloated, "add a few more scars to her collection. I think this one likes that..."

Two shots rang out almost simultaneously. The first one, fired from Keith's gun, went straight in to his upper arm making his torso flinch back by the impact and the torn muscle made him lose the grip he had around Amanda's neck with that hand.

The second one, fired from Nick's gun, went through his ankle making him immediately drop down to one knee with a heavy thump. Amanda fell down with him, desperately fighting to get his remaining hand away from her throat as it was grabbing on even harder to the point it felt like something was about to break at any second.

Fin stood paralyzed for a few seconds just seeing Jack and Amanda hit the ground without knowing who or where the bullets were coming from.

Nick and Keith hurried forward though. Keith kept his gun at Jack while Nick cuffed his hands, his wrists almost too large to fit in the cuffs. Amanda had stumbled a few steps away from Jack and Nick went over just in time to catch her from hitting the ground too hard as she fell down chipping for air. Keith kept his gun on Jack meanwhile and roughly forced him down on his back with his foot. He shouted at him to stay down.

Jack stayed down, growling with some obvious pain. The growling turned to snickers though as he seemed to find the situation amusing. Fin had broken from his momentarily deadlock and rushed in. He immediately went to Amanda's side which made Nick's job redundant and he stood up to call in the shooting instead, get an ambulance or two over there.

"You couldn't have let me get one more shot at some fun before you took me in?" Jack asked still snickering.  
"Shut up," Keith told him.  
"I would've roughed her up so good," Jack kept provoking, "Could've left a little piece for you guys."  
"I said shut up," Keith said and pushed Jack down again with his foot.

Keith had seen Fin glancing over and knew Jack was trying to goad him.

"Oh c'mon," Jack said aimed at Keith, "You know you would want a piece. I mean look at that ass..."

Jack glanced over at Amanda and Fin. Keith couldn't help but look over as well. Amanda was on all fours, still trying to breathe properly and it was kind of hard to miss looking at exactly what Jack had pointed out. Keith wised up quickly as Fin finally spoke. Or more so hissed.

"Shut up fuckface."  
"Grumpy," Jack grinned, "Is that because you know I would've ruined her for you? I would've jacked her up. Get it? I _jack_ things up sooo good."  
"Shut up," Fin warned.

He'd put one foot back on the ground, one knee still placed nearby Amanda but he'd taken his hands off her. Amanda had felt the animosity back in the air and sat back but still needed to keep her hands on the floor to stay balanced.

"You make me," Jack challenged, "Give me a chance and I'll fuck her up. She would love it. I'll nail her down the way she likes it right? Just the way she likes it."  
"Okay that's it," Keith tried but his voice was lost between the angry ones. Nick was still on the phone but came closer as he'd picked up the foul exchange and got worried as he saw Fin get up on his feet.

"Shut the fuck up," Fin said standing up.  
"Make me," Jack goaded, "I'll do her so hard I'll split her up. Rip her apart and she'd still beg for more."

A low, furious growl came up Fin's throat and it grew louder as he charged Jack. Keith tried to get in the way but was easily swept away by Fin who'd made up his mind to physically shut Jack up. This was exactly what Jack had wanted but he couldn't do much fist fighting with his hands cuffed but he did his best. Fin got the first punch in though.

Nick had gotten off the phone but got left passive just watching the tumble that quickly turned in to a raging fistfight. He tried calling Fin's name out loud but either Nick or Keith knew if they even wanted to break the fight off, Jack deserved a beating. When Fin kept aiming punch after punch to Jack's head they realized they had to step in though.

Nick gave Keith's arm a push and then they jumped in trying to get a handle of Fin's flying fists. It took some effort to pull their raging partner off the prick who somehow still had enough drive to snicker with blood oozing through his grinning teeth. Fin wanted to jump right back at him so Nick and Keith had to pull him further away wanting to get him out of sight even.

"That's all you got," Jack laughed spitting blood to the side of him. He was obviously pounded rather raw but his spirits didn't seem crushed.

Suddenly another growl was heard and the next second Amanda jumped him seemingly from nowhere.

"Oh sweetheart you want some more of me," Jack laughed as he braced himself slightly from the new sets of fists coming his way. He might've thought they were weaker but he soon learnt they could actually throw a mean punch. Nick and Keith were left a little blindsided by the new attacker and both just watched her pound away. Jack started to try and fight back though and Fin shook Nick and Keith off him.

He lounged forward and grabbed a hold around her waist to literally lift her off Jack. He was starting to look bushed but he still had energy to throw some nasty comments after them.

"Police brutality," he shouted, "I'll get off and I'll come after your pretty little ass. I finish the job, you just wait."

Nick and Keith were still rather confounded over everything that had gone down the last minute. Nick threw a long look after Fin who was heading out with Amanda in his arms who was still violently flinging her fists around in the air. She looked like some raging animal in his arms.

**Forty five minutes later** Liv walked down a hospital corridor having had to flash her badge several times downstairs to be pointed in the right direction. It did nothing to help keep her stress level down.

"What the hell happened?" she asked even before she reached Nick who had headed her way the moment he saw her. Keith caught up as well.

"My phone's been ringing non-stop. Police brutality? What happened?"

Nick and Keith exchanged a glance. Liv didn't like that response.

"Tell me," she demanded.  
"He put up a fight, we had to get rough with him," Keith spoke up first.  
"He was cuffed," Liv said not buying any of it.  
"Well you've seen him Sarge, cuffs barely went around those..." Keith tried to make it seem as Jack was some kind of hulk.

"He was _shot_, two times," Liv said through a set jaw.  
"Well we had to, he had Rollins in a chokehold, threatening to snap her neck. It was the only way to take him down Sarge."  
"How's he doing?" Liv asked.  
"Jack?" Keith asked and got a not so entertained nod from his boss.  
"Well we were just waiting for a word from the doc..." Keith said gesturing down the corridor.  
"Go find out for me," Liv said gesturing him away, "And don't come back until you got something for me."

Keith took off down the corridor and Liv turned her eyes to Nick. He kept his eyes on Keith's back though and folded them down when he no longer could follow Keith.

"Nick," Liv said lecturing.  
"What?" Nick asked raising his eyes to hers but set on not being a snitch.  
"Tell me what happened," she asked.  
"What Winters said," Nick just said looking away again.  
"Nick, if you're going to be my number 2 you're going to have to side with me from time to time and this is one of those times," Liv said a bit lecturing.

Nick gave her a look. They've talked about him stepping up as Fin had said he wasn't interesting. She was up for lieutenant and they would need a sergeant in the squad room then. He was very much up for the job.

"It can be off the record but I need to know what went down in order to protect everyone involved," she said sensing that he needed a final push. Nick took a deep breath, he really didn't like doing this.

"It got excessive, if he's claiming police brutality he might have a legitimate reason to do so," Nick admitted.  
"What happened?" Liv sighed disappointedly.  
"We'd split up in to two buildings. Jack had a gun. He was in the one Fin and Rollins went up but I think he had me or Keith, or both, in his aim. Rollins jumped him. I saw her get flung across the room. I don't know why but Fin was two stories down, they'd been off even before we got there," Nick shook his head, a little disappointed that he'd added that, it was unnecessary for the story and made him even more of a snitch.

"Well we tried to make it down and then up the other building as fast as possible but I mean it took us a while. He had Rollins in a chokehold, he was threatening to both throw her off the building as well as snap her neck, he meant it too, he knew why we were there and he wasn't going down without a fight."

Nick tried to really make her understand how serious he'd been and Liv got it, she nodded.

"He'd made Fin give up his gun and Keith and I decided to cap him, it was the only way, he was saying really vile things that he was going to do to her, he wanted time with her and you know... well he went down and I cuffed him but he wouldn't stay quiet. He goaded Fin and he finally jumped him. We got him off, we should've probably jumped in sooner but you know this guy was asking for it, you've seen his handiwork."

Nick shook his head again. He was still a little rattled about the whole thing.

"So Fin beat him up _after_ he was cuffed," Liv sighed. Nick was gnawing a little at the inside of his cheek.  
"There's something else?" she asked spotting his telltale. Nick tried shaking his head though but she had already busted him.  
"Tell me Nick," she ordered. It was Nick's turn to sigh.  
"When we got Fin off, _she_ jumped him... Rollins did. Fin actually had to carry her off. I mean with everything going on, Lucas, Simon... I don't blame them," Nick tried to excuse their behavior which was unnecessary, Liv knew but she still didn't condone their actions.

"It was bad," Liv both asked and stated. Nick nodded.  
"But you should know," Nick hurried to say, "he threaten to come after her. When he got off free he was coming after her."  
"Oh geesh..." she sighed. This was worse than she'd expected.  
"We can't let him get off," Nick said.  
"We _won't_ but they've just made it all more difficult."

Liv tried to clear her head a little. Keith came around the corner and aimed for them.

"Okay not a word to anyone about this, we'll need to talk about how to handle this before we give any statements at all," Liv told him quietly. Nick nodded in agreement.

"He's coming out of surgery any minute, bullet in his arm removed. The one to the leg went straight through, no permanent damage... unfortunately."

Liv gave Keith a scolding glare and he immediately piped down.

"Where's Fin and Rollins?" Liv asked Nick.  
"Last saw them downstairs, Rollins was going to get checked over," Nick answered. Liv gave him a concerned look.  
"Fine I'd bet, just with the chokehold you know, he had her kinda tight," Nick hurried to let her know.

**Liv asked Nick and Keith** to stay put for now as she went down to check on her other detectives. She learnt they had left without getting properly checked over. Amanda had apparently refused treatment but Liv got, without the nurse having to spill it out, that Amanda's explicit way of refusing an exam was a pretty good indicator she was going to be fine physically.

Liv thanked the nurse and tried calling Fin. He answered after a few rings. He seemed very somber but told Liv they were almost back at the station already. Liv told them to sit tight till she got there.

She couldn't spot them at their desks when she got back in and when she couldn't find them in her office either she went back out and asked straight out in the squad room if anyone had seen the detectives. Another detective let her know he'd seen the detectives head down the corridor not long ago. Liv thanked him and headed down. She checked the bunks first and didn't have to look any further.

Fin was sitting on one bunk, face had been in his hands but he looked up once he heard the door. Amanda was lying down on another bunk across the room, she sat up at the sound of the door.

"You okay?" she asked and got two nods.  
"My office, now," she said a little more stern and turned back around.

Liv was already sitting behind her desk when the somber duo walked in. Fin let Amanda pass and then closed the door behind them. Amanda walked over to the mirror to the interview room and leaned back against its frame. Fin remained over by the now closed door. Liv looked between them a couple of times. Neither one of them were looking at her. Amanda had her arms folded across her chest, Fin had his hands shoved down his pockets. The void between them was felt.

"One of you wants to tell me what happened," Liv asked. She was cross but they already looked remorseful and she didn't want to add to it.

"I beat him up after he was cuffed," Fin spoke up.  
"Okay," Liv said, "Did you have a reason to?"  
"Not one that will be useful in court," Fin admitted straight up.  
"Let me decide that," Liv asked.

"He had threaten her life," Fin said slowly still keeping his eyes down but gestured slightly Amanda's way, "I felt... helpless... I couldn't do anything but watch him dangle her in the air, she couldn't breathe..."

Fin took a deep breath and looked up. Liv recognized the devastation on his face from two years ago. He glanced Amanda's way and Liv did the same. Amanda kept her head down, she shifted foot to stand on.

"Amaro and Winters caped him..." Liv said to get Fin talking again. Fin nodded.  
"He went down, they both did. He was cuffed but he... he kept talking. Making... graphic suggestions, I... snapped. That's what I did. I snapped. I beat him up."  
"I haven't seen him," Liv stated, "Badly?"  
"I'd say bad enough." It was all Fin could say.

"Rollins," Liv said turning to the blonde detective. She waited for Amanda to look up slightly.

"You got anything to add?" Liv asked.  
"I jumped him too," Amanda admitted, her voice sounding a little strained.  
"Why?" Liv asked.

Amanda wasn't sure what to say and finally she just shrugged. Liv could understand why Amanda might've jumped him but she would've preferred a verbal answer.

Liv looked between the two a couple of times.

"Do I need to separate you two?" she finally asked out loud. Fin looked like he wanted to say something but no words came out. Amanda just bit down hard on her lip.

"You take the night to think about it," Liv suggested, "I do not doubt the bastard deserved it but you know better. I _need_ you to know better. You've hurt this case and I need to be able to send you out there without something like this happening again."

Fin was the only one looking back at her and he gave her a nod when she looked his way.

"How's your knuckles?" Liv asked. He brought his hands up, wasn't shy to show them off. Liv could see his skin was chafed a little on both hands.

"Did anyone at the hospital see them?" she asked.  
"I don't think so," Fin said. He had been a little rattled at the hospital but he was sure no one had looked closer at his hands anyway.

"Amanda?" Liv asked.  
"They're fine," she mumbled not as keen on letting go off herself right now.

"Okay, we'll deal with this mess tomorrow, you go on home," Liv said. Amanda got off the wall immediately.

"You stay for a sec Amanda," Liv said though, "Fin..."

She cocked her head at the door wanting him to leave them alone. Fin looked Amanda's way but her eyes didn't come up all the way to meet his. He could see the anguish on her face but right now he was too drained to be able to fight for both of them and he went outside.

Amanda stayed planted where she'd been as Liv told her to stay. Liv waited until Fin had closed the door but then got up and walked around her desk. She could tell Amanda braced herself a little so she stopped a few steps away from her.

"I get the need to fight back Amanda," she said slowly, "I get _your_ need to retaliate but this isn't the way to do that. This will only dig a deeper hole for you."

Amanda had let her lip go, her jaw going a little off centre as she seemed to take Liv's words in.

"Do you hear me?" Liv still had to ask as Amanda wouldn't look at her. Amanda nodded. Liv felt as it might just be the answer that Amanda thought would get her fastest out of the office. Liv wasn't really sure what to say right now.

She finally took a step closer and raised her hands towards Amanda. Amanda immediately flinched, a look of fear swiping across her face but she composed herself quickly as Liv froze and held up her hands disarming.

"I just want to have a look at your neck," Liv explained, "because if I ask you you're just going to tell me it's fine right."

Liv smiled at her and she could see a faint one over Amanda's. Liv took it even slower. Swiped some of Amanda's hair back over her shoulder so she could get a better look. She pulled at the collar of her jacket a little. She could see some fresh marks starting to form down her neck. She repeated the procedure on the other side, noticed Amanda cringed slightly as Liv let her fingers swipe carefully over her neck. _She wasn't sure if it was because she was sore or if it was merely the touch that evoked such… aversion?_

Liv let her hair go and pulled out one of her hands from her hold around herself. She knew Amanda was uncomfortable with people looking closer at her hands but Liv hoped she could get passed that one day. Amanda's knuckles were a little chafed just as Fin's. She dug out Amanda's other hand, it looked less chafed as the other one. When Liv let her hand go Amanda grabbed a hold of herself again but a little less defensive this time.

"You get some ice on them tonight okay, make sure Fin does the same," Liv said gently, "Your neck will probably feel stiffer tomorrow if it isn't already. Try some liniment or maybe a collar if you have one at home. I want you to be honest with me tomorrow and let me know if it's bothering you too much and then we'll find something productive you can do without putting too much strain on it okay?"

Amanda gave her a slight nod.

"Okay I'll let you go..." Liv said and it was all she had to say to make Amanda sneak past her and towards the door.  
"Night Sarge," Amanda mumbled.

"Good night Amanda," Liv said a little louder hoping Amanda would hear her as she was already out the door. Fin had been leaning against his desk waiting for her and Liv saw them head towards the gate with hanging heads. The gap between them was at least a yard or two. Liv really hoped those two could work out whatever it was going on between them.

**Fin got behind the wheel** and Amanda jumped in to the passenger seat. No one said anything but the silence wasn't awkward, it was just there with them in the car. He stopped by their local Chinese restaurant and shuffled in to get two meals to go. When he got out again Amanda had turned on the radio. One of her singer-songwriter stations but he didn't mind.

Once they were home she mumbled to him that she would have a shower first and he gave her a nod. He prepared their food and brought everything in to the living room so they could eat in front of the TV. She took her time so he started eating, knowing she wouldn't mind. When she finally came out her hair was still wet and she was wearing a pair of bottoms to a flannel pajama and over that one of his hoodies.

He was in the middle of the couch as usual and she stepped over his legs to get to the spot closest by the window. He handed her one of the boxes and she said thanks as she crept up further on the couch. He'd been watching a documentary on the animal channel but swopped to last night's episode of What could possibly go wrong as he knew that would probably bring a smile to their somber faces. But not even seeing two morons try to make a human sling-shot was enough to entertain them tonight and they somehow, without using many words, decided to just turn in.

He was really tired, even too tired for the haunting images from today to stick around too long in his head. He had expected her to sleep in her own room but was pleasantly surprised to see her sneak in to his room once he'd already lain down. She was in a white tee now and blended in well with his covers as she ducked under them. She pulled the cover up high as she curled up by his side. He was on his back, arms tucked in under his pillow and he looked back up at the ceiling when she'd remained still beside him for a while. He'd learned to be glad for the small things. Having her there beside him was all he really asked for.

His eyes felt really heavy and he knew he'd soon be fast asleep. Her stirring slightly beside him kept him there for a while and when she suddenly scooted closer to him and placed her head on his chest he perked up slightly. He placed one arm around her and closing his eyes he leaned down to place a kiss on top of her head, bringing some of her scent with him as he lay back down. Having her in his arms had the usual calming effect on him and he started to drift to sleep.

"Do you want Liv to separate us?" she asked anxiously.  
"No," Fin whispered, too tired to put much emphasis on it but he hoped the sentiment was enough.  
"I don't want to lose you," he mumbled just as sleep caught him.

She listen to his heartbeat for a while, tried to feed from his warmth as she'd felt so darn cold ever since they left the construction site. Carefully, so not to wake him, she turned her head so she could look at him. Her neck felt stiff just as Liv had told her it would do and she frowned slightly.

Watching him sleep helped a little with the pain she felt. He looked so peaceful when he slept. Gone was the crease between his eyes, no rubbing of his scalp, no concerned look in his eyes.

"I don't want to lose me either," she whispered to him.

* * *

"_We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." _~ **Francois de la Roche Foucauld**


	10. Chapter 10: Disarray

Post-chapter warning: You remember that rabbit hole I mentioned… we're at it. Safe travels.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Disarray**

* * *

"_As long as what you are afraid of is something evil, you may still hope that the good may come to your rescue. But suppose you struggle through to the good and find that it also is dreadful? How if food itself turns out to be the very thing you can't eat, and home the very place you can't live, and your very comforter the person who makes you uncomfortable? Then, indeed, there is no rescue possible: the last card has been played_." ~ **C.S. LEWIS**

* * *

It had only been a week ago she paid a visit to a strip club and here she was again, finding herself sitting outside another one. This time it wasn't Chou-Chou though, no she had to try and stay away from that place. And from him, for some to her unknown reason Anton was dangerous territory. She didn't know why she felt drawn to him and frankly she didn't even want to try and figure out why, better to just stay away from the subject all together.

Tonight she was sitting outside Assets hoping to get a glimpse of Sierra. She'd been on her mind lately. Though she didn't long for that time she'd worked here but Sierra had been one of the good things. She'd been a good friend. A really good friend.

She'd driven by here yesterday too but didn't stick around for long then. She had to hurry home so Fin wouldn't worry. He'd left for San Francisco just hours ago though. Gone out there to be at Ken and Alejandro's wedding. She'd been invited too but managed to wiggle out of it. She could tell Fin didn't want to go either but she feared that was because of her so she'd talked him in to it. Of course he had to be there for his son's wedding.

After she'd dropped him off at the airport she knew exactly where to go and she'd been sitting outside Assets now for five hours. There was no sign of Sierra and the club would close in just a few hours. She didn't dare to go inside. No this club felt too personal. She had mostly bad memories from this place. Being kidnapped by Simon was one of those.

Suddenly she saw Raven walking out of the front entrance with another girl, she didn't recognize the other girl though. She hesitated but then jumped out and hurried across the street calling out her name.

"Shay? Oh my god," Raven gasped, took a few seconds to check her from head to toe but then grabbed a hold of her and hugged her tight. Once she let her go Raven held Amanda at an arm's length to check her over again.

"You look different but great," Raven smiled, letting go of one of her arms to touch Amanda's hair.  
"Oh," Amanda said trying to shrug it off.  
"See you Rae," the other girl said as she probably realized it would take them some time for them to catch up.  
"Yeah bye," Raven said just waving her off over her shoulder.  
"It's been ages, how are you?" Raven asked.  
"I'm… uhm good," Amanda said. Raven's face dropped suddenly as something dawned on her.

"That was some nasty shit that happened to you," Raven said with a frown, "like I heard all sorts of things. Crazy fucker that guy. Like I'd never figure you'd look this… well."

It seemed as Raven had expected her face to be peeled off or something like that.

"Like what did he... do to you?" Raven asked cautiously.  
"I'm not... I mean..." Amanda stammered not sure what to say. She wouldn't stand there and open up about everything, and if she recalled right Raven was quite the gossip.

"Oh I'm sorry, of course you probably not want to talk about it, must've been just awful," Raven blurted out and then gave her another hug.  
"So where have you been hiding?" Raven asked once she let her go, "You still working?"  
"I'm staying with a friend, I'm not..." Amanda looked back over at the club, "...dancing any longer."  
"Can't you any longer? Like did he do something to prevent you from dancing?" Raven asked pryingly.  
"Look, I've been trying to contact Sierra but she's not picking up, haven't spoken to her in months, does she still..." Amanda gestured back at the club.

Raven made a sad face.

"She quit like... six months ago?" Raven guessed.  
"Quit?" Amanda asked. Raven nodded.  
"I guess fired is the right term though, Trina just couldn't keep her around, she messed things up big time," Raven said shaking her head.  
"What happened?"  
"Well we were all kinda drifting after you know Gordon left the market, struggling to find new work, like well-paid work anyway. Well like a year ago this one player showed up, and if you thought dungeon was hardcore well you should've seen his business," Raven rolled her eyes.

"I just couldn't take it but you know Sierra... she's in to that kinky things, like for real," Raven smiled, "but he hooked her bad, she was like high all day. She had a bad trip backstage and like... started going downhill fast. Jim gave her chance after chance but finally... he just couldn't keep her around. It was sad to see but I don't blame him. She was making him look bad in front of the new girls."

"So where is she now?"  
"Honestly I don't know, she's dropped off the scene, no one I know has spoken to her in months now. But your old boyfriend might know."  
"My..."  
"Scott," Raven said, "He quit like a year ago started working for Lamar, he's the one that hooked us. Last I heard he was still working for Lamar."  
"Lamar is..."  
"The new player, not one you play around with," Raven said seriously.  
"And what's the name of his… club?"  
"Onyx. Heard he had to shut down a few times so it might've changed though."

Amanda took a deep breath. She tried to gather all information and wondered how she could use it to get in contact with Sierra.

"Look, you wanna grab a drink, catch up?" Raven said, back to smiling again.  
"No, I should... my man is waiting for me," Amanda lied.  
"Oh," Raven said looking disappointed.  
"Some other time?" Amanda suggested and Raven nodded.  
"I'll stop by again," Amanda lied again.  
"You should, Jim would love to see you. He still talks about your Cherry Pie act, some girl wanted to dance to it but he was like, no, you won't do it justice like Shay did," Raven chuckled.  
"He was sweet," Amanda whispered.  
"Still is, you promise to come back?" Raven said and Amanda nodded. They gave each other another hug and then said their goodbyes.

When Amanda got back to her car she just stayed there for a while feeling a little sad Sierra had gone down an apparent dark road. She'd always seemed so undefeatable, so invincible. But Amanda realized she didn't know much about her. They had rarely spoken about her past. Since Amanda was posing under a fake name and identity she tried to talk about her backstory as little as possible so back then it suited her fine that Sierra didn't want to go there either. Now she regretted not paying more attention to Sierra though.

She'd talked about a mother at times. She got a slight sadness over her face the few times she had mentioned her. Amanda got a feeling something had happened between the two that Sierra felt guilty about. She'd never mentioned any siblings, she used to say her girls where all her sisters. When Sierra had said it back then it had constantly stung in Amanda's heart as she'd missed Kim so much but now she felt proud to have been called Sierra's sister.

She started the car and took off from the curb. She knew what she had to do and she tried to not think too much about it. He lived not far from the club and when she parked across the street she could see the light in his window as on. If that even was his window these days? Her memory from the last time she'd visited was fuzzy but she knew what had gone down. Scott, some colored man she'd never met before and drugs. She tried to not recall what had happened next. It was just too humiliating to think about.

She felt apprehensive stepping out of the car but she fought through the discomfort and crossed the street. His front door was busted as usual so she could easily let herself in. She could hear music from upstairs and walking further in she heard some women talking rather loudly. _The house that never sleeps_, she thought to herself. It was something Scott had told her once and what she knew to be the truth.

She took a moment by his door, building up the courage to knock. Once she finally knocked she flinched by the sharp sound her own knuckles made against the wood. Afraid to lose confidence when no one opened immediately she hurried to knock one more time. She was in the middle of the second round of knocking when the door suddenly opened up and it made her take a step back, pulling her hand back in to her long sleeve.

It wasn't Scott opening though, instead a semi clothed young woman who looked really strung out opened. Wearing only an oversized tee she put a spliff to her lips as she checked Amanda out from head to toe with a very malicious look in her eyes.

"Is Scott here?" Amanda asked when the girl just kept staring her down. The woman closed her eyes only to open them back up a few moments later in what Amanda figured was one of the longest blinks she'd ever witnessed. She suddenly turned around and yelled Scott's name out loud as the door started to slowly drift shut. Amanda didn't dare to touch the door but just waited, throwing nervous looks up the stairs where the voices of the two women talking had turned louder and nastier and would surely escalate in a brawl soon if no one stepped in. Amanda got other things to think about though as a familiar face showed up in the door. Familiar but worn out.

He'd put on weight, his face aged. His head was still balled, tattoos found their way up his neck and down his arms. He was wearing jeans with a dirty white tee on top. He too had a spliff in his hand, smoke travelling out through the door in his wind. It seemed to take him a second to recognize her.

"Shay?" he then whispered as a smile spread across his face.  
"Scott," Amanda replied trying to replicate the smile.  
"Wow, you look different, come here," he said and stepped out to her in the hallway to put his arms around her.

Amanda felt stiff in his embrace, his one hand pushing her face in to his chest, he smelled bad, while the other one went too far down her lower back. There was something sloppy and disgusting about his embrace and it lasted too long for Amanda's liking. The smell in her nose, or maybe it was his hands?, made her start to feel queasy and she was relieved once he finally let her go.

He kept a hand on her shoulder though, let it go up to her cheek and he held it in a way that made her fear he would try to kiss her. But thankfully he just kept looking at her but then his joint seemed more interesting and the way he missed his mouth not once but twice told her he was rather wasted.

"Look, I'm trying to find Sierra…" she said wanting to get to the point as soon as possible.  
"Why don't you come inside? We got a little party going," Scott slurred pulling at her shoulder a little.  
"No, I…" she said a bit hesitant as she pulled back her shoulder from his grip.

He didn't give her time to finish though as he suddenly just turned back inside, leaving the door open behind him. She bit down hard, throwing an angry glare at his back. She really didn't want to go in after him but the will to find Sierra finally won and she reluctantly stepped inside. She shut the door behind her, it reeked of dope in there and she felt a need to cough but held it in. She heard voices coming from the living room. It sounded like more people present than just Scott and the young woman. Amanda forced herself to continue forward.

Once she got around the corner she got a little surprised just by how many people were in there. Most of them seemed passed out or at least on their way to pass out. She counted at least ten people on the dirty carpet. Mostly guys. The few women were in the arms of a man. The TV was on, some action movie but it was on mute. The stereo was playing some to her unfamiliar rock n roll on a low volume. The room itself looked as deteriorated as Scott. It was filled with a smoky haze, the music added to the mysterious vibe in there.

The woman who had opened the door was on the couch, flanked by another woman in just as casual clothes and a man who looked old enough to be their grandfather. Scott was on his knees by the table, hunched over it and even though he had his back to her she had a pretty good idea what he was up to at that very moment. They voices she had heard came from two men sitting leaned against one of the walls. Whatever they were discussing was interrupted as one of them lit a new spliff and it seemed to pull both their attention.

"Scott?" Amanda said not wanting to stay there longer than she had to.

Scott had sat back up but didn't move as she said his name so she tried again.

"Scott? Can I talk to you?"

He finally turned his head around and he smiled at her. He waved at her to come closer but she really didn't feel like getting any closer to what she now saw was on the table. Her skin seemed to itch in an uncomfortable way and something made it hard for her to breath. The cravings came unannounced and it made her feel very anxious.

"In private? Please? It won't take long," she begged.

It didn't look as he was interested but then he got up off the floor which took some effort. He grabbed a liquor bottle off the table and came staggering over to her.

"C'mon," he mumbled as he passed her. She knew which way he was heading but she still followed, she had after all asked to talk to him in private and she told herself they would only do just that, talk. She left the door open as she followed him inside his bedroom. It looked different from when she last saw it. His entire apartment had gone downhill with him. The one curtain hanging in the window was ripped. There was cigarette butts on the floor and his bed was unmade, dirty stains all over it. He sat down on the bed, patted the seat next to him but she went over to stand by the wall instead.

"Sierra," she said, "Do you know how I can find her?"  
"Hey what's the hurry sunshine," Scott said as he leaned over to the bed stand to grab a smoke from the cigarette pack resting there.

"I'm worried about her," Amanda said as she watched him lit the smoke. She could feel the smoke in her own throat as he inhaled that first drag. She missed smoking. She knew Fin disliked it but every once in a while when he wasn't around she had a smoke. At times it was the only thing that could calm her nerves.

"How long has it been Shay?" Scott said instead of listening to her.  
"Like a year," he guessed staring at her. She didn't like the way his eyes went down her body.  
"More like two," she corrected him.  
"Shit, time flies when you're having fun," Scott laughed but quickly quiet down.  
"How you been?"

She just nodded at his question, it didn't really look as though he was interested in her answer anyway, his eyes were already down at her hips again.

"I know she worked for you," she said instead, "Lamar, Onyx. Do you still work there? Is she still there?"

Amanda hadn't missed the frown on his face as she mentioned Lamar, something told her everything wasn't okay there.

"I missed you Shay, why so cold?" he whined. She bit down on her lip as he looked at her with pleading eyes.

"We used to have good times right? I treated you okay right?" he asked after a few seconds had passed.  
"Yeah, we did, _you_ did," she admitted with barely a whisper. He had looked out for her but at the same time he'd driven her to gigs. He'd sold her to Fin at one point. She knew she couldn't trust him but there still had been times when all she wanted was to stay in bed with him and feel loved.

She got pulled from her thoughts about the times they'd shared as he rose from the bed and came over towards her. She took a step back feeling intimidated by his frame. He'd always been taller than her but now he was all that wider as well and she didn't like the numb feeling across his face these days. For mere moments his face changed to Jake Cullen's and she had to shake her head slightly to get the images out of there.

He stopped a step away from her and held out the bottle towards her.

"C'mon," he urged as he took her head shaking as a declination. She watched the bottle in his hand and she actually wouldn't mind something strong right now so she took it from him and took a big slug, frowning as the strong liquid went down her throat. The shot did nothing good for her courage though but just landed like a hard rock in her gut as she handed the bottle back to a smirking Scott. He took a swig himself without letting her go with his eyes.

"So how you been Shay?" he said once he'd wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He wiped his hand on his tee and she got a picture how the filthy half-moons had been done on his white tee.

"Look Scott, it's really late okay," Amanda tried adding a smile at the end of that sentence.  
"Early for some," he chipped in.  
"All I want is to find Sierra," she said trying to give him her sweetest face hoping he'd just give in and give her the information she needed. She should've known better though.

"Shay," he said reaching out to touch her hair and she did her best to not shy away.  
"So you want to find Sierra, and I want to rekindle some of that magic we had a year ago, do you think we can find a way to come about that," he said running his finger behind her ear.

This time she didn't even think about correcting him but instead her eyes glanced over at the door as she thought about just getting out of there. The need to find Sierra won again though.

"Scott, I'm with someone," she tried.  
"He doesn't have to know," Scott smiled. He pulled back his hand though and backed up a step.  
"I thought it looked as you'd come up in the world," he said eyeing her from head to toe again, "so do you only do high ends these days? Got a sugar daddy?"

Amanda took a deep breath, wasn't sure how to answer it but luckily she didn't have to as he got going after he'd taken another swig of the bottle.

"Well I'm in the trading business these days, those people out there," he said gesturing outwards as he took a seat on his bed again, "They work for me. I hook them up as long as they do right by me. So if you want information you have to do right by me…"

He had another drink, didn't even look at her but focused back on his smoke that had been burning down between his fingers. She tried to compose herself, get her thoughts in check but right now she felt really blank inside.

"So Cherry Shay what's it going to be, I got options out there so…" Scott finally said. She made it off the wall, slowly made her way over to him. He looked very smug as she sat down on the bed next to him. She reached for his bottle and took another large swig of it. Next she went for his cigarette, took a deep inhale before she placed it back between his lips. She placed her hand on his leg.

"So Sierra, you two started…" she didn't get further before he started shaking his head.  
"I know you can do better than that," he said sounding a bit disappointed.

She chewed the inside of her cheek as she let her hand travel up his leg.

"You left Assets together?" she asked as she tried to forget where her hand visited just then. He shook his head and she feared he would once again up the scale.

"I left first," he said though as he closed his eyes and leaned back his head, "God I forgot how sweet your touch was."  
"Lamar pulled you?" she asked and he nodded.  
"Tell me about his club," she asked as she added a little pressure to her touch.  
"It was the up and coming one. I heard customers at the bar talking about it. Talking about how special it was…" he seemed to get lost in thought for a while, his breathing picking up.  
"What was special about it?" she asked while trying not to frown but just focus on getting the information.  
"It went there, whatever the customer wanted. It was kinky, raw. Girls who could take it. That liked it," he said with a grin over his face. A stupid grin and it bugged Amanda but she tried her best to ignore it.

"What did you do there?"  
"I handled the girls at first, worked my way up to handling the prominent customers."  
"Prominent?" she questioned.  
"You know which ones I'm talking about," he just answered though and she did.

The ones with money, or power. She'd seen some of them in magazines, familiar faces shaking hands with the mayor or walking the red carpet at some event. She'd even seen one of them at the courthouse, sitting behind the judge's table in a robe while she was giving testimony. He hadn't recognized her. She remembered him really well though. He'd been one of the dirty talkers, the one who liked to call her vile names while she was giving him a lap dance in the VIP rooms. He'd never tried to touch her though, actually was very particular about not being touched by her either.

Those familiar faces made her wonder about the ones she never saw. The ones behind the masks. It freaked her out at times, wondering if the person staring at her had seen her before in that house.

Scott's moaning made her snap back to the present. He laid back completely on the bed and started to unzip his pants.

"Where's this club at?" she hurried to ask. He told the address as he finished what he'd started.  
"Police shut it down though, we made it mobile for a while," he said as he placed his hands underneath his head.  
"So where is it now?" she asked. He gave her a look, glanced down his own crotch and then back at her.  
"C'mon Shay, you used to like taking care of me," he smiled smugly, "and if you want the information…"

She really hated him at that moment but she just bit down, it wasn't like she hadn't done this to people she hated in the past. It was just a procedure, something to get through to get the intel she needed. _You can do this_.

"Where is it?" she asked the moment her hand was on and around him.  
"I thought you wanted to know about Sierra…" he breathed having shut his eyes again.  
"Okay, so you brought her in cause you knew she could hack it…" Amanda assumed.  
"Not only hack it, she aced it, loved it. The gig was right up her alley and she made dough," Scott breathed.  
"Lamar liked her?"  
"He loved her. Kept her fed, kept her happy."  
"Doped up?"  
"You know it, Lamar treats his ladies, not as cheap as Gordon was."

Amanda frowned at the mention of Gordon's name, she made the mistake of glancing over to what her hand was doing. It felt better when she could distance herself from what was going on so she redirected her eyes again to the side of Scott's face.

"What's his last name? Lamar's?"  
"I have no idea," Scott mumbled.  
"Where is Sierra staying these days? She's not at her old place."  
"I dunno…" he mumbled.  
"Why don't you know? Surely you know where he keeps his girls, you used to tend to them," she got a bit offensive.  
"I don't work for him any longer."  
"What?" Amanda blurted out and immediately pulled her hand back.  
"You don't work for him any longer?" she asked once he opened his eyes and looked at her.  
"I quit… okay I got fired like six months ago," Scott admitted as he sat up, "I took advantage of his stash, it was stupid but I did a bloody good job, he was mad to let me go."

"So you have no idea where I'll find her or the club?" Amanda said and got up off the bed.  
"I can help you find it," Scott said getting up after her, his member starting to slack off outside his pants. Amanda shook her head in disbelief.

"He wouldn't want to see you if he fired you."  
"I know people though…" Scott tried.  
"Those ones?" Amanda asked gesturing outwards, "they don't look high end enough for Lamar's club."  
"Hey, don't mock me, or my friends," Scott warned and she got a little anxious by the look on his face, "now get back here and finished what you started."

Amanda tried not to move her eyes as she could tell he was watching her. She had a pretty good idea where the door was and she estimated she should be able to get there before he did.

"Okay," she said hoping to relax him a little but then as she went to take a step towards him she instead turned to the door in an attempt to bolt. Just as she got there though she felt his grip in her hair as he pulled her back from the door. He shut the door with a loud bang and then pushed her face up against the wall.

"No way," he hissed near her ear, "I gave you what you wanted, now you give me what I want."  
"I wanted to find Sierra, you didn't give me that," Amanda tried, her voice was somewhat stuck in her throat being pressed up hard against the wall as well as being scared what could happen next.

"Forget about her," Scott said near her ear, "she was one of Lamar's favorites, if she's still alive, and that's a big if, he won't give her up. She doesn't want to leave either. Last I saw of her she was well proud on his arm."  
"Okay, okay," Amanda breathed, "It's only fair, you did help me… let me help you…"

Her hand sneaked downwards and he gave her some leeway as he figured he knew where she was going. He moaned with pleasure as she stroke her hand over him. He stepped out a little further to give her even more room and he let go of his harsh grip around her, leaning his palms against the wall instead as she started jerking him off again. As soon as he was off her though she grabbed a fistful of his balls and pushed him backwards the moment she was able to spin around.

He grunted with pain, formed a fist and tried swinging it at her. It hit her a little on the side of the head but not enough to lose her grip around him and she squeezed even harder making him fold together.

"I decide who I jerk off these days," she hissed in to his crumbled face. She twisted him around, causing him to cry out in pain and before she let go she pushed him backwards so he wouldn't be able to grab her this time. She hurried towards the door once she'd let him go, with one eye over her shoulder to make sure he didn't follow. Hurrying outside she bumped in to the girl that had opened the door earlier.

"Hey, what are you doing, can I join you?" she slurred as she went cross-eyed. Amanda literally moved her out of the way so she could get out of there. Heading outside she tried wiping her hand on her jeans all while throwing anxious looks over her shoulder. She was a little careless crossing the street and got a scare as a car sneaked up on her. The driver honked and she apologetic put her hand in the air and let him pass before she tried to cross the street again.

After making sure no one came out of Scott's building she reached over to the glove compartment looking for some hand sanitizers. She found what she was looking for and ripped two open at the same time, immediately starting to rub her hands on them. The soft smell of lemon usually made her feel better but it didn't seem to help tonight. She cracked the window before she took off and hoped the wind would do the trick instead.

Driving back home a lot of things spun around her head. _How Scott had changed or had she just not seen his true colors back then? Sierra caught in Lamar's hooks or maybe she really wanted to be there? _She thought about Lamar's club and wondered how bad it really was if Gordon's business had been lame in comparison.

Her hand felt icky and she tried putting it down to the side of her to not have to look at it on the wheel. She felt a bit queasy too and realized she hadn't eaten since lunch. It was well past midnight now though so she really didn't feel like eating. She didn't feel like heading upstairs to an empty, dark apartment either so when she'd parked she walked a block to their local pub. It was rather crowded for a Thursday and she had a little trouble finding a chair. Finally a guy offered her his but she realized it came with a prize as he and his buddy engaged her in conversation. Was she there alone? What had brought her there at this hour? She answered yes and that she'd just felt like a drink but then one of the guys had to suggest she might be looking for company and the situation immediately got awkward as they chuckled between themselves while her face turned cold.

"I just wanted a drink okay? Not company," she said a little harshly but she didn't feel bad as it served its purpose when they gave each other a look and then let her be. After another two guys hitting on her though she just downed her beer and walked back home.

Walking in to the dark apartment she first had a hard time breathing. She hurried to turn as many lights on as possible and then promised herself to leave them on before she left for work tomorrow. She went around the apartment and lit every room just to make herself feel a little better but it didn't work and she started pacing up and down the corridor for a while trying to get her thoughts in order.

_Sierra was either with or working for this Lamar character. Maybe she wanted to be with him? But Raven had said she'd stopped keeping in touch with the girls and Sierra had said those girls were her family. She would never do that voluntarily would she? Jim had to fire her from Assets. That was so unlike Sierra. Scott had been a dead end, there was no way she would ask him for help again and she figured he was burnt at Lamar's anyway. _

She finally came to the conclusion she might have to give up on Sierra. _Maybe there wasn't anything she could do for her and what was she thinking anyway, that they could be friends again? Have coffee and gossip? _She would probably hate her if she found out she was a cop. She would see if she could dig up anything on Lamar or his club at work tomorrow without anyone finding out and if she didn't find anything then she'd give up. And with that she headed in to Fin's bedroom and lied down on his bed. She didn't get undressed and she just laid down on top of the covers. She tried finding a comfortable spot but she wasn't able to.

The numbers on the alarm clock kept mocking her, ticking away closer and closer to when she had to get up. She finally got up and walked in to her own room, she thought she was heading to the bed but instead she found herself walking in to her closet. She shut the door behind her, sat down on the floor against the wall and tried just breathing calmly. She pushed the bottom of her feet against the door and slowly she started to feel relaxed. She wasn't sure what time it was when she finally drifted asleep.

**Obviously she overslept** the next morning. She woke up from her phone ringing somewhere in the apartment and she scrambled out of the closet feeling disoriented. She found three missed calls on her phone. She was at least grateful she'd slept in her clothes as it meant she could leave almost instantly, she figured she could take a shower at work later on if she felt like it.

Nick had been the one trying to reach her as she'd left him stranded with a witness they were interviewing that morning. Liv had left with Keith before the witness got there, Amanda apologized several times to Nick and later he wouldn't tell Liv she'd come in late. The witness had left them with some new leads but as they got cracking on the case Nick could tell Amanda was unfocused and all day he had to call her name at least twice before she heard him.

Nick hadn't ratted her out to Liv but it was what Amanda thought was going on as she could tell Liv shot her long looks as she walked back in to the station after lunch. It didn't take long until Liv called her in to her office and Amanda braced herself for a scolding for coming in late once Liv had asked her to shut the door behind her. She was in for a bit of surprise though, unfortunately not a happy one.

"I got a call earlier," Liv started having asked Amanda to have a seat which she had shook off, "…from Vice, Brooklyn, the guys we got help to raid… Chou-Chou. They have been working with their SVU squad on catching Jason and Marion."  
"Okay…" Amanda said once Liv was left just staring at her.  
"They showed up dead last night," Liv informed her. Amanda was a little shocked by these news but she wasn't sure why it brought Liv to call her in there.

"Jason and Marion," Liv repeated as she opened up a file on her desk, "aka Jamison Parrish and Lana Wilson."

She turned the file so Amanda could get a look at their dead bodies. They looked like they had died a violent death. Both stripped and tossed on top of each other in a dumpster. His face was bashed in, she had deep cuts over her torso.

"He was picked up for soliciting about a decade ago but nothing since then. She was a runaway, reported missing by her mother. Never in the system."  
"Do they know who took them out?" Amanda asked handing back the file to Liv as the images made her stomach turn slightly, she was happy she hadn't eaten anything today. Liv shook her head.

"With the information we handed them you can probably figure out Anton is a suspect…" Liv said letting it hang a little in the air.  
"They've had surveillance on his club for some time…"

Amanda felt uncomfortable with how she kept the words hanging in the air. They were neither question nor statements. It almost felt as Liv wanted her to say something but she didn't know what and wished Liv could just get to the point. She'd always had good instincts as to when doom was heading her way and this felt like one of those moments.

Liv finally turned her eyes down and Amanda watched her pull another sets of photos out from underneath another manila file.

"These were taken last week…" Liv said and placed three photos next to each other on her desk so Amanda could see them clearly. Amanda swallowed hard.

"You want to tell me why you went there?" Liv asked after given her enough time to study the photos of herself walking in to Chou-Chou. Amanda couldn't look at her and all she seemed able to do was shrug.

"I want to know why you went there Amanda," Liv said demanding an answer.  
"I…" was all Amanda could get out before she had to swallow down acid coming up her throat. She wasn't sure what to say. _She had no idea why she'd gone there so how could she give Liv a reason when she couldn't explain it to herself? _

Liv put two more photos on top of the other ones.

"You left an hour later, through the side entrance, without your jacket on. What were you doing in his office Amanda?"

Again Amanda just shrugged.

"It's not good enough Amanda. I've seen that jacket," Liv pointed at one of the photos from her walking in, "since then so you somehow got it back. I can't have you socializing with him Amanda. We already have eyes on us after… after everything that's gone down lately, and it's not looking good if you're socializing with him."

"I'm not," Amanda managed to say, quietly but loud enough for Liv to pick it up. She still couldn't look at Liv but she could imagine the look in her eyes right now. _Disappointment. Maybe some anger. Doubt perhaps. Doubt of her detective's sanity._

When Liv spoke next though her voice had changed. Amanda heard concern in there.

"Did something happen inside his office? Something you didn't want to happen Amanda?"

Amanda hurried to shake her head.

"No, it wasn't like that…"  
"So tell me what it was like then," Liv pressed.  
"Amanda," Liv said when Amanda remained quiet and her voice reached a whiny level, "if you don't tell me what's going on I won't be able to…"  
"I don't know what's going on okay," Amanda blurted out.

Her eyes finally came up to meet Liv's but shied away just as quickly again. _Concern. That's what was in Liv's eyes and it was almost as bad as disappointment._

"I mean I don't know what I was doing there, it makes no sense. I left my jacket in the wardrobe but then as he took me backstage I went out. Immediately."  
"So you saw him?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded. She was fibbing some with the truth but she figured it was better to stick as close to it as possible.

"Did you discuss the case or anything else that can land you in trouble with IAB if they come sniffing?" Liv asked but now Amanda shook her head.  
"We barely spoke, I left as he got a call."  
"So did you go back there to get your jacket?"

Amanda shook her head.

"He had it sent here," Amanda said but quiet down as she heard Liv's deep sigh. Amanda just waited for her to say something, bracing herself for the words that may be uttered.

"Amanda you have to know this doesn't look good, I can't have you _socializing_ with him and… frankly it makes me… worried that you would even _want_ to."

Liv feared she might be a little tough but she was really concerned for her detective right now and she had to address it. She wished Amanda would at least look at her, hoping to make any sense of this if she could just see her detective's eyes.

"You got anything to say to ease that worry?" Liv finally asked when the room had stayed quiet for too long.  
"I won't go there again," Amanda said quietly.

Liv took a deep breathe. That answer didn't seem sufficient enough but it seemed to be the only one she would get.

"Vice might want to talk to you, will you make yourself available to them?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded.  
"I'm hoping IAB won't get involved but you know how Tucker can be," Liv said. Amanda didn't respond and Liv just kept looking at her.

"Can I head out? We got a lot to do," Amanda finally asked as she wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. Liv was reluctant to let her but finally said okay. Once Amanda had sneaked out Liv regretted not adding something about her being available if Amanda felt the need to talk. Or maybe as company. Liv knew Fin was out of town this weekend, maybe she struggled with being alone? But she'd lost the moment and unfortunately she would have to head out again on a different matter.

**Amanda's skin crawled**. Focusing on work felt too strenuous and Nick seemed to be on her back constantly only proving how unfocused she really was. Keith, in his usually manner, seemed to stand too close to her constantly, breathing over her shoulder to have a look at her screen. She finally had to snap at him to step back but she regretted it as she caught the look Nick gave her. She hurried to apologize and tried to smooth it over by revealing something important to their current case.

By the end of the day they had enough to make an arrest but Nick said he could take it with Keith as she looked a little bushed. _Thanks Nick_. It wasn't such a compliment but she did appreciate it. She never did have a chance to wash up during the day and with her skin still crawling she felt good about being able to sneak down to the locker room for a proper shower.

She stayed in the shower for a long time, letting the warm rays wash off some of the anxiety. She felt better after a proper scrub down but she wished she'd checked what she had to wear in her locker beforehand. All she could find in her locker was a dress she'd used for an undercover gig months ago. She figured she must've forgotten to return it. She really didn't feel like wearing a dress but the top she'd been wearing stunk a bit of sweat and she had also managed to get a coffee stain on it at some point during the day.

She decided to just wear the dress over her jeans as it would make it look more like a tunica anyway and she'd wear her jacket over it so… It felt a little weird to wear a dress without make-up so for some reason she put a little on, she had that eye shadow in the locker that she'd bought recently and even though she was far less talented then that girl in the department store she didn't find it that shabby once she was done. She still didn't understand why she put it all on though, her plan had just been to drive home.

She missed Fin more than she liked to admit. She'd tried calling him earlier but he hadn't picked up. Probably busy with fun stuff. She _was_ happy he was celebrating with his son and his fiancé but she also felt jealous and the selfishness made her feel worse. _How self-centered was she to not wish some fun for him, some other company than her moody one? _

_And what was Liv thinking of her now? Going to Anton's club, what had she been thinking? And Scott? How dared he blackmail her for information like that. Information he didn't have either. She'd found nothing on Lamar or Onyx in the records. Nothing substantial anyways. Nothing that would bring her closer to Sierra._ The thought of giving up on Sierra only added to her foul mood.

_What if Fin, Liv, Nick had given up on her years ago? She'd be dead then. What if that faith waited around the corner for Sierra? But maybe death wasn't such a bad thing? Maybe it would be for the best for everyone if she just died. Not Sierra. Amanda. Maybe she should just be dead? _The negative thoughts made her anxiety build up again. Her skin started to crawl again, her hand started twitching and all of a sudden she got scared she'd crash her car just to end this misery.

She hastily drove in to the curb, jumped out of the car and gasped for air once she was on the sidewalk. She could tell people were watching her but she didn't care. Leaving her car door open she put her back to the nearest building. That rock steady wall felt good to lean against. It was the backbone she was lacking right now.

"You okay?" someone asked. She couldn't get a good visual on the person but she nodded, managed a weak smile so the pedestrian could walk on.

It took her a while but then she could finally breathe calmly again. With the disturbing emotions washing off her she was left with just one. Hunger. She was really hungry and it was the only feeling that made sense to her right now so it was easy to hold on to. She hadn't eaten anything since yesterday, obviously she was hungry. _All this melancholy was probably just brought on by hunger. You need to eat Amanda_, she thought hearing Fin's voice echo inside her head.

She'd parked across the street from a rather fancy looking hotel and she figured she could splurge herself seeing how Fin was probably out having a fancy dinner too tonight. She closed her car door and heard the familiar beep of her car locking as she crossed the street.

A bellhop opened the door for her and gave her a genuine smile. The restaurant was easy to find but Amanda hesitated outside it and then turned to walk over to the bar instead. It was a little crowded which was understandable as it was Friday night and they were probably heading in to the restaurant in an hour or two.

No one was sitting by the bar though, leaving the bartender looking a little lonely. It was a long bar with a bend and she thought about taking a seat at the more secluded end but she decided on the other side to not feel cornered in any way. Amanda sat down and made eye contact with the bartender. He was busy with a customer that had walked up to the bar but as soon as he'd catered to him he hurried over to her. His smile was just as genuine as the bellhop's.

"What can I get you miss?" he asked throwing a bar towel over his shoulder.  
"Can I get something to eat here?" she asked.  
"Sure, the restaurant will probably serve you better but do you want to see the bar menu?" he asked.  
"What do you recommend?" Amanda asked instead.  
"Well, you like sandwiches?" he asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Then I'd go with the Cuban, Mateo is in the kitchen and even though it's just cheese, ham and pickles he does something to it…" the bartender made a face and a sound to describe the delight and it made Amanda giggle.

"Certainly sounds like I have to try the Cuban then," Amanda smiled and added that she liked a beer to go with that.

The bartender disappeared to the kitchen briefly but was soon there to server her a beer. He stuck around, excused himself if he was too forward but he thought he picked up some southern dialect and wondered where she originated from. Amanda didn't mind him asking and told him where she was born and raised. Turned out he'd been to Georgia quite a lot, worked behind a bar in Atlanta if only briefly but said he liked the city. He had good track on the local sports team and Amanda loved having someone to discuss the recent scores with now that Fin was out of town. They finally got interrupted by who Amanda figured was Mateo as he brought out her sandwich.

"Thank you so much," Amanda said with an elated smile as he placed the plate in front of her after the bartender had signaled she was the one that had ordered it.

"I'll leave you to devour the delight then miss," the bartender said overly dramatic with a wink as he walked off. Amanda felt a little better with a bit of beer in her and talking to the friendly bartender, adding what was for sure one of the best sandwiches to that mix made her almost loose completely track of all her worries.

Three beers later she was in even better form. One of those beers a gentleman down the bar had bought her and he hadn't expected anything in return for it. The bartender told her he'd heard she was a Braves fan and wanted to buy her one. She fully expected him to come around later to chat her up but he just gave her a nod and a smile as he withdrew to the restaurant with his rather large company of suits. It was nice to learn people could just be nice for the sake of it. Not everyone asked anything in return like Scott. _Scott_. It made her think of Sierra again and her face must've dropped a little.

"That did not look like a happy thought," a man's voice came from behind her.

She tried to get her smile back as he sat down on the chair next to her. He was old, pushing 60 surely, but he'd kept himself in nice shape Amanda noted. His grey hair was well groomed, his outfit proper yet casual somehow. He hung his jacket under the bar and when he later rolled up his sleeves Amanda spotted a very expensive watch and on his left hand a sparkling gold wedding ring.

"I just… it was nothing," Amanda said a little embarrassed like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't.  
"Please tell me," the man said with a kind smile that sported his perfect row of white teeth. He might've spotted her hesitation as he added;  
"I've learnt with age that unburdening your heart to a complete stranger can at times be beneficial."

Amanda found herself just staring in to the man's eyes for a few long seconds. Eyes that she figured had been sparkling blue at a time in the past but now had washed out in to something looking closer to grey. _The grey man_. A stranger but yet with something appealing in his entire presence. She could see a whole lot of charm lingering there, charisma, and when she later spotted the ring on his finger she wasn't surprised that someone had managed to snatch him up. He was a catch.

"I'm worried about a friend," she finally answered.  
"Tell me about your friend," he asked after the friendly bartender had served him something strong in a cocktail glass.  
"I think she's gotten herself in some trouble. Something I can't help her with," Amanda said carefully. She didn't want to spill too much even though he seemed friendly enough.

"I take it you've tried," he asked and his eyes narrowed slightly at the look over Amanda's face that was brought on with her remembering what she'd been up to with Scott last night.

"You've tried but it didn't end well," he guessed and Amanda felt a little relieved that she didn't have to say it herself. She wondered if the man was related to doctor Olivet and it made her smile a bit inappropriate as she'd just been sad. She tried to shake it off.

"It could've ended worse but no it wasn't pleasant," she confessed. He shot her a smile and gave her some time to compose herself.  
"You strike me as a resourceful young lady," he said and she watched him put a light hand on her arm only to remove it before it got intrusive, "if there's a way to help your friend I'm sure you'll find it. I would hate to see you get hurt in the process though."

Amanda found his kindness heartwarming. She'd come to assume strangers were always out to get something from you and always left you bruised. It felt weird to think this stranger really was only out to be just kind.

"It's just… she helped me once, at a time when_ I_ really needed someone," Amanda watched her words a little but saw no sign of aversion as the man focused his attention back on her from having tasted his drink, "I was in… deep water I guess and I'd turned everyone else away but she… she was just there, and I guess that's what I needed."

"So maybe she doesn't need help, maybe she just needs you to be there too?" the man suggested.  
"Problem is I can't find her," Amanda said and replicated the slight frown the man gave her.  
"That does sound like a bit of a problem then," he agreed.  
"Yeah but I don't know…" Amanda stopped to have some of her beer but to her surprised noticed she was out.  
"Do you mind," he asked and before she'd grasped what he meant he'd waved the bartender over. He told her to order whatever she wanted and that it was on him. Amanda gave the bartender her order and then the man gave him his room number.

"You were saying…" the man said the moment the bartender had walked off with her empty bottle.  
"Oh yeah, well I'm afraid she wants to be missing, that she wouldn't want me to find her," Amanda shot him a miserable look, "I haven't seen her for a while you see. After everything… I mean I just had to break with that world for a while and I'm a little afraid she wouldn't like me know."  
"Why would she not like you?" the man said and seemed really sincere. Amanda had time to think _if only you knew_ before the bartender came back with her drink. Amanda shot him a smile and saw the two men exchange a glance before she turned her focus to the drink in front of her.

"I'm just different now," Amanda said quietly before she had a taste.

**Three drinks later** Amanda wasn't as quiet. She couldn't believe how easy this man was to talk to. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe she should suggest to Olivet to start serving drinks before the sessions. The thought made Amanda laugh out loud but just as the other times she'd done that for no real reason the man didn't seem to find it anything but endearing. He was such a sweetheart.

He'd touched her hair several times, Amanda had noticed but she didn't really mind it. His hand had been resting on her thigh at one point too but he'd removed it the moment she spotted it. This man had tact she was able to think.

And he was smart too. She knew better than to spill her guts out but she'd been able to get some stuff off her chest and he'd been very understanding. Helpful even. And he didn't seem judgmental even though she could hear what a crackpot she sounded like. He was really sweet.

And now she noticed that he was holding on to her hand. His thumb was actually circling the scar on her hand and for a few seconds she was hypnotized by the soft motion over the back of her hand.

"You don't find that disgusting?" she asked once she was able to break the trance.  
"What could be disgusting about you my dear?" he whispered fondly.  
"That scar is…" she mumbled, her throat suddenly choking up a little. He brought his other hand up to her face and caressed her cheek tenderly, she felt herself lean in to it a little.

"We all have scars my dear," he said seriously as he held her eyes with his intense ones, "some we wear visible, some we don't."  
"I have more…" she whispered so the confession wouldn't be as grave.  
"I'm sorry for that," he said just as quietly but even though the bar was buzzing by now it was like she only heard his and her own voices.  
"It doesn't take away from your beauty though, or make you any less worthy of affection."

His finger ran over her lip and her eyes were drawn to his lips. Without putting much thought to it she leaned in to kiss him but his finger got in-between their mouths. She pulled back but didn't have time to think of it as a rejection before he said;

"Just hold that thought."

He got up off his chair, put his lips softly to her temple before he walked off. She wasn't sure exactly what was going on but realized he wasn't walking out of there and turned to look where he was going. He was mostly hidden behind a crowd but she managed to follow his silver hair stride down the bar and she spun around on her chair as she saw him take the turn to the other side of the bar. She tried to focus her eyes all across the bar at the lady he seemed to be talking to.

She wasn't sure what was going on, everything was a little hazy. All she knew was that she was feeling good, she felt relaxed for the first time in days, maybe weeks and she didn't like that she had been deprived from kissing that divine man's lips. She kept her eyes on the woman he'd just left and didn't break the gaze until she felt his hand come up her back.

She looked at him as he sat back down on his chair. He left one hand on her back, let his fingers rub small circles on her as he reached for his drink and had a taste.

"What's going on?" she asked as some nervousness managed to sneak in to the alcohol numbness that she just moments ago had felt blessed for. He gave her a mysterious smile. Keeping the smile over his lips he gave her that intense stare again, his eyes holding hers before they went down to her mouth. She wet her lips unconsciously as his hand came up to her cheek and then held her breath as he closed in on her.

His lips were so soft against hers. Just as soft as his fingers. Fingers that were dancing over the side of her face. He was just so tender she forgot about anything going on around them at that very moment. His tongue was gentle, there were no teeth, no roughness in that kiss and she didn't feel rushed one bit. He made her mouth open wider but still he didn't become intrusive, let his tongue just play around her lips, tasting her carefully with each soft lick.

Her head was spinning slightly but she did feel their bodies getting closer to each other's. The hand he'd kept on her lower back suddenly scooted her closer to him. He somehow got his legs in underneath hers and she felt herself almost sitting on top of his thighs. There was a slight tug in her jeans as her legs got separated to the full extent of the fabric. She moaned in to his mouth as she felt his hand come around and slide up the inside of her thigh. She felt a bit cheated as he lifted his hand off her before he reached her core only to place it back down on the other side.

"Touch me," she breathed in to his mouth not caring about all the other people in the bar.

She could feel him retract from her mouth and she let out a whimper but quiet down as she caught him smiling at her. He ran his fingers down her cheek, over her lips, let one finger ran over one of her eyebrows and then down her nose.

"I'm one for honesty," he said, "I will never lie to you my dear."

She must've looked a little miserable, maybe because she was expecting a rejection now, but he let out a chuckle and then leaned in to place a peck on her lips.

"I have a thing for blondes," he confessed letting his hand run through her hair, "and I find you very attractive. I want to bring you up to my room but there's something I have to tell you first…"

She raised her eyebrows at him, wanting him to get to the point so she could get to that room of his.

"If you look over there," he said and directed her attention back down the bar. The woman sitting there shot them a smile as they looked over. Amanda had a little problem seeing her properly but she could tell she was a brunette.

"That's my wife," he said and Amanda felt a little foolish for not putting the pieces together sooner.  
"She knows I like blondes, I never stray unless she lets me. But you see…" he waited until he had her attention again, when she was finally able to let the other woman go with her eyes.  
"…_she_ likes blondes too."

Amanda's eyes didn't even widen. She should know better by now. _She always attracted the freaks. How could she have expected that this guy was just sweet and perfect out of the kindness of his heart?_

"She's given me permission to bring you up to our room, if you want to of course. I will never force you to do anything dear," he caressed her face again and his touch still felt soft but she wasn't as in to it as earlier.

"She really wants to come with us though. If you don't feel comfortable she can just watch. She won't touch you if you don't want to, she'll just watch us. But I told you already that I'm honest and I can promise you I've never heard any other woman complain after my wife has taken care of them."

"You do this a lot?" Amanda asked, sounding indifferent.  
"Quite a lot yes. Two times a month we check in to a nice hotel such as this and we see if we can find someone as precious as you and if not… we at least get the bonus of a hotel breakfast before we head back home again."

"Back home to your normal, boring life?" Amanda assumed.  
"I wouldn't call it boring but I know what you're getting at, and I can also tell you seem a little disappointed."

Amanda kept his gaze for a few moments but then looked back over at his wife at the other end of the bar. Amanda caught the smile again and the slightly raised glass. She seemed as tactful as her dear hubby.

"You'll use protection I assume," Amanda said without letting the woman out of her sight.  
"Yes, that's one of few demands we have," he said sounding businesslike.  
"What's the others?" she asked turning her attention back at him.  
"My wife is never submissive. I can be whatever you like me to be but if you let my wife play she won't be submissive."

His hand was slowly going up and down her thigh. She didn't feel much of it though, she felt numb but she didn't think it was the alcohol any longer. Her eyes drifted over his shoulder. A couple of guys were being a bit rowdy. All of them in suits, ties starting to loosen up though. One of them, the rowdies of the bunch, had his tie around his head and when he caught her looking he threw her a kiss in the air. She held his stare, and he tried to hold hers but his buddies made it a little difficult.

"So can I call my wife over here?" he asked and she felt his hand brush up her arm.  
"Will you pay me?" she asked keeping her eyes on the guy wearing his tie as a headband.  
"If you want to," he answered. The guy with the tie raised his eyebrow at her.  
"No," she said shaking her head slowly before she finally broke the gaze.  
"So… my wife? You want to meet her?" he asked once she finally looked at him again.  
"Okay," she said and the man looked pleased as he waved his wife over.

The wife's presence made emotions turn inside of her again. Amanda tried to not stare at her but she had a feeling she was failing at it. She looked as casual chic as her husband. She wore a white silk blouse to a pinstriped skirt. She was shorter than Amanda but her heels brought her up to her height. She looked good for her age which Amanda estimated to somewhere around 50.

The husband and wife shared a quick peck on the lips before the wife turned to Amanda. As the wife leaned in Amanda braced herself to get a peck too but instead got a soft kiss as their cheeks touched. She smelled violets and her skin was smooth. Amanda wasn't sure how she felt about missing not getting a peck.

"You are so beautiful," the wife whispered as she ran her fingers through Amanda's hair. Amanda hoped her embarrassment wasn't evident on her cheeks. The couple shared a cheery glance.

"So have you two come to an agreement?" the wife asked looking between the two.  
"Well I'm not sure, have we?" he said looking at Amanda.

She looked between the two a couple of times. Her eyes dropped and she caught their hands on her thighs. His manly and strong. Hers petite but still strong somehow. _My wife won't be submissive_. Amanda could believe it. When her eyes came up to meet theirs she nodded, much to their joy. The woman had brought her glass over and put it to Amanda's lip, asked her to help her out and Amanda let the woman pour some of the liquid in to her mouth. With just a mouthful left in the glass the woman put it to her own lips, making sure her lips ended up right where Amanda's had just been. Amanda couldn't take her eyes off her as she downed the last of the drink. It seemed to please the woman and after she had handed her empty glass to her husband to leave on the bar for her she grabbed for Amanda's hand. Their fingers entwined and then the woman pulled her down off her chair. The man grabbed both their jackets and then followed the two women out of there. Amanda met the eyes of the guy with the tie around his head as they passed their table. He looked smug, like he knew what they were up to and the images in his head seemed to please him. It irritated her. _You know nothing about me._

Amanda felt the man's hand up by her neck but it quickly dropped down to her lower back and remained there as they passed the lobby. They didn't have to wait for an elevator, Amanda kept the hand contact with the woman but put her back to one of the walls. The husband pushed the button to one of the top floors and then took a stance next to his wife. Amanda watched them as the man leaned down to place a kiss on his wife's lips. This time it was more than a peck but the wife broke it off and immediately turned her attention to Amanda. She only needed one step to end up in front of her and Amanda closed her eyes as she leaned in. Her lips were soft and as she opened her lips up slightly to give the woman access she could taste the violets as well.

"Just relax, no harm will come to you," the woman whispered once she parted slightly from Amanda.

Amanda didn't open her eyes up until the elevator announced they had reached their destination. She felt herself get pulled out while the husband again politely waited behind. Every fiber in her body told her to stop. To pull her hand back. To tell the man to get his hand off her back. But still she just kept walking with these two complete strangers.

Their room was amazing, it was more like a small apartment. Amanda got stuck just taking in the impressiveness with her eyes as they brought her further inside. She was left in the middle of the room and she broke her stare only when a cork popped and made her flinch slightly. She got a little more aware of the other two once her trance was broken. The man had opened up a bottle of what looked like champagne. The woman was over by one of the walls with a remote in her hand. It didn't take long until soft, jazz music filled the room and the woman came over just as the man served Amanda a glass.

Feeling a need for more alcohol Amanda ended up emptying the glass in one go and the couple smiled at each other before the man refilled her glass.

"Maybe you'd like to use the facilities first?" the woman asked kindly and let her hand run down the back of Amanda's arm. Amanda nodded nervously.  
"This way," the woman smiled and again took Amanda's hand to lead her there.  
"We will be waiting for you," she smiled as she closed the door behind Amanda.

Amanda's eyes went around the room. The bathroom was bigger than her bedroom. Everything was white and she felt like a sordid black stain in her black jeans and dark green dress. She caught a look of herself in the mirror but immediately derailed her eyes. She had to walk over to the mirror though as she felt a need to splash some water on her face. She did everything to not catch her own reflection in the mirror.

The water felt nice on her face but then she remembered she had make-up on and she was forced to look at herself in the mirror. The mascara had stayed on, some of the eye shadow had dropped to her cheeks though and she grabbed a towel of the rack to get it off. Trying only to focus on her cheeks she caught her eyes tearing up though. _What the hell was wrong with her? What was she doing here?_

Her legs suddenly felt weak and she dropped down by the sink, grabbing on to it to not completely fall to the floor. She put her head down, tried to concentrate on breathing calmly as she could feel a panic attack closing in if she didn't. _Are you completely insane? What the hell are you doing in these strangers' room? Why did you agree to go with them?_

Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on the door.

"Are you okay in there?" came the woman's voice through the door. Amanda immediately rose to her feet, glad she'd kept her hand on the sink as she got a bit lightheaded by the hasty move.

"Yeah," she managed to croak.

"Won't you join us?" the woman asked.

"Okay," Amanda answered quickly hoping to get rid of the woman. When she didn't hear anything else for a while she figured she had managed to but she was still wary as she turned her head back to the mirror. She had a quick look in the mirror. There was no make-up out of place as far as she could see but then suddenly her face seemed to go warped and she looked away afraid she was losing her mind for real. She grabbed the glass of champagne that she'd brought in there with her and downed it in one go. When she shot a quick glance in the mirror her face was back in place.

She put the glass down and slowly made her way over to the door. She peeked out carefully, fully expecting the woman to be guarding the door but she wasn't. Amanda stepped out as silently as possible. She could barely make out the sounds of two soft voices interacting as well as the jazz music over her own heart pumping. Stepping out she still wasn't sure what to do, she had no plan at all. She made her way back out, not spotting them in the room where she'd last seen them together.

"There you are," the woman's voice suddenly came from behind her back and Amanda spun around just as the woman pulled a moveable wall to the side. The wife had opened up the bedroom in full view of Amanda but Amanda's eyes got stuck on her. She'd seemed to have stepped out of her skirt and was only in her blouse, which came down slightly on her thighs, and her high heels.

If Amanda hadn't felt completely paralyzed right then she might've laughed as the man came up behind his wife. He was only in a pair of white boxers. It wasn't that they looked funny, or fitted badly. But the entire situation was just absurd. _Absurd_.

The wife had a glass in her hand that she now handed to her husband before she made her way over to Amanda. The silk blouse swayed with her movement and Amanda could tell she wore what looked like silk lace panties underneath. The wife's hands reached her first, going down Amanda's arms as she slowly made her way around her, her body rubbing up slightly against Amanda's.

"You are so beautiful," the wife whispered. Amanda wasn't sure if it was the words or the woman's hands softly roaming her body that made her inside tingle with excitement. Either way she felt it wrong but still couldn't stop it from happening. The woman pressed herself up against Amanda from behind, tightening her arms around her slightly. At some point Amanda had closed her eyes, her breathing getting heavier as the woman softly moved her hand in circles over her tummy. The other hand was up by her breasts, moving around, cupping them slightly, brushing her fingers over her nipples in a way that somehow didn't feel intrusive but just… nice.

The woman's face was buried in the back of her neck, whispering small words of endearment. Her hand came up over her throat, caressing, fingers brushing over her lips and Amanda parted them as one of her fingers seemed to want to come inside. Again not intrusive but just brushing her finger on the inside of her lip felt really nice. Amanda's breath stalked up in her throat as the hand on her tummy suddenly turned south very abruptly. Amanda felt like the woman had to hold her up as her hand made a brief visit down between her legs.

"Let's get you more comfortable," the woman suddenly said and Amanda felt her hands move around to her back and up to the top button of her dress. Amanda's eyes popped open and she caught sight of the man. He was still standing in the exact same spot as she'd last seen him in. Only now looking more excited. His face told her that and also that thing pushing at the fabric of his boxers.

"No, wait," Amanda mumbled but was unable to move. She couldn't let the woman remove her dress though.  
"Ssch," the woman cooed but Amanda objected again, this time shying away from the woman who held her in place though. Amanda missed the glances exchanged between the married couple but she did see the man grab a small mirror tray to the side of him and hastily make his way over to her.

"Here, this will make you feel better," he said holding a short glass tube up to her as he brought the tray closer to her face. The woman had grabbed on to both of Amanda's arms from behind, like she was maybe protecting the tray from getting knocked over.

"No, I shouldn't," Amanda just breathed though.  
"C'mon it's okay," the man said shooting her one of those kind smiles he'd fed her downstairs. She shook her head slightly but didn't attempt to pull out of the woman's grip.

"C'mon now," the man smiled as he wet his finger so he could bring some powder up from the tray. Amanda shied back slightly as his finger came up to her mouth. The woman stopped her from getting further though and Amanda didn't do much to stop him as he pushed his finger up against her gum. A slight taste of vinegar spread quickly through out her mouth the moment she swiped her tongue across the spot he'd just visited. His fingers lingered by her mouth, partly resting on her lips and she saw his eyes follow her tongue closely.

Even the little amount had an immediate calming effect on her and she took a deep releasing breath.

"See, we'll make you feel good," the woman whispered, daring to let go of one of her arms as she stroke back some hair from Amanda's face to get a better look on her over the shoulder.

The man picked up the glass tube again and helped Amanda close the opposite nostril as she leaned down over the tray. The wife held her hair back. She inhaled deeply and then threw her head back, a slight burn in the back of her throat told her the stuff wasn't completely clean but she still liked the rush. The man was ready when she leaned back down and they did the other nostril in the exact same manner.

Amanda blinked hard a couple of times as she tried to focus her eyes. What felt like a second later but was actually an entire minute, during which the man had been able to put the tray to the side after having taking another line himself, his lips came upon hers. She felt his hands come up under her dress, starting to unzip her pants but it was the woman starting on the back of her dress that caught most of Amanda's attention.

"No," she mumbled with the man's tongue shoved inside her mouth. He was forced to withdraw as Amanda turned her head to the side. Amanda's hand came up to grab a hold of one of the woman's.

"Leave it on," Amanda breathed, to her it sounded like her voice came from somewhere above her and her eyes travelled there briefly.  
"I want you naked," the woman demanded. She'd already gotten the top button up and had her one hand on the zipper while Amanda still had a hold on her other hand.

"You don't… I'm hideous," Amanda whispered, her eyes coming down to meet the woman's over her shoulder.

The woman gave her a peculiar look, not fully grasping what Amanda was trying to tell her.

"I got scars," she whispered and let go of the woman's hand to be able to hold her palm up at her, "on my back too."

The man grabbed her palm and Amanda managed to turn her head to watch as he put her palm to his lips.

"I told you, we all wear them, it does not take away from your beauty," he said seriously once his lips were free.  
"But they are really gross," she said, not even noticing the tear that ran down her own cheek.

The man did though and wiped it off. Amanda had lost some feeling to her body by now and had not felt the woman unzip the back of her dress and unveiling her backside. The man was watching his wife's face for a reaction though, expecting the worst judging by Amanda's words.

"Oh my sweat child," the woman just whispered when she got the full extent of the damage done to her back.

Her face stayed calm though as she swiped her hand over the ragged surface that was Amanda's back. Amanda had thought she was numb all over but she felt the touch and her body jerked slightly. The man caught her in his arms, concern all over his face. The woman stayed just as calm though and kept swiping her hand softly over Amanda as she took it all in with her eyes. Amanda cried silently in the man's arms but she didn't care, all she knew at that moment was that the woman's touch felt so good she had no will to go anywhere than to stay just there.

Suddenly she felt the woman's lips plant a kiss on her back. She kept placing kisses over her back, tracing every single scar with either her lips or her soft fingers.

The man held Amanda up slightly so the woman could swipe the dress off her shoulders, the bra coming with as the woman had already unhooked it and the garments dropped down to her feet. Amanda's mind felt a little blurred, her vision the same but she still had a sense of privacy. The man grabbed Amanda's hands as she tried to shield her breasts and he brought them back down to her sides.

"_You_ don't ever have to hide," he whispered. Again it sounded as his voice came from above her even though she saw his lips move.  
"You are beautiful," she heard the woman whisper from somewhere above her as well.  
"Your scars does not define you," the woman kept talking, her lips coming up to Amanda's neck biting down carefully at that exact spot that always made Amanda's knees go weak. The woman's hands came around her to cup her breasts like she took possession of them and she pressed her now naked body against Amanda's back.

The man had started on Amanda's jeans again and pushed them down over her hips. Getting down on one knee he took them off along with her panties. He stripped her completely and then started to kiss his way up, starting by her feet and slowly making his way up her legs.

Amanda breathed hard, nothing but delightful sensations streaming through her body.

"Let us take care of you," the woman whispered near her ear. Amanda wanted to say yes but all that came out was an incoherent humming sound.  
"You can be yourself with us," she whispered in Amanda's ear while her tongue played around, "no need to hide anything from us. Tell me what you want…"

Amanda had trouble forming thoughts let alone sentences at this point. The man was still placing kissed by her knees but his hand had traveled higher up. The woman bit down on her earlobe expecting an answer all while squeezing Amanda's nipple harder between her fingers.

"Tell me what you want…" the woman pushed.  
"I want…," Amanda breathed. She opened her eyes slightly, let tears that had dwelled up escape down her cheeks.

"I want you to choke me."  
"To choke you?" the woman repeated, letting her hand travel up towards her throat.

Amanda felt a bit of panic as the woman's fingers spread around her throat but she soon relaxed under the slight pressure. The husband had gotten up off the floor and removed his boxers on his way over to the bed. He laid down on his back, making himself comfortable against the pillows.

"Are you sure?" the woman asked as she slowly moved them towards the bed.  
"Aha," Amanda breathed.  
"Tell me again," the woman demanded.  
"I want you to choke me," she repeated monotonic.  
"Okay Shay," the woman said, "then that's what we'll do."

**Amanda barely made** it to the station in time the next morning. She'd woken up with a gasp a little over an hour earlier, her hand going up to her throat to make sure nothing was blocking her air supply. The words "save me" echoed inside her head. She wasn't sure what she'd dreamt but the voice sounded like her sister's, or maybe it had been her own? Save me was what she felt as memories of the night flooded over her and she got aware of the two naked bodies sleeping on either side of her.

The man that she yesterday had found so charming and polite looked less so this morning, snoring with every other breathe and she felt disgust as she had to remove his hand from her body. The woman was on her stomach, even in her sleep wearing that smug smile she'd worn all night. Amanda was terrified they would wake up as she slowly scooted down to the foot of the bed. Once she finally reached it and sat up properly she could feel just how sore she was. It was a relief to get on her feet but her head started spinning as she rose up too quickly and she had to steady herself against the bed.

The woman sighed deeply and then rolled over on her back. Amanda held her breath. She started tip toeing away from the bed when the woman thankfully seemed to go right back to sleep. Amanda got her clothes up off the floor and went around the corner to hastily get dressed. She didn't bother putting on the bra but shoved it down her back pocket and made sure her dress covered the cargo up.

Amanda desperately looked around for her jacket, she wasn't sure when she'd seen it last and dreaded she would be forced to leave it behind just as last time she'd found herself in a mess like this. She felt some relief when she spotted it over on the couch next to the man's jacket. She shot one last look in to the bedroom hoping it was the last she'd ever see of those strangers before she took off.

She carried her boots in her hand as she made the walk of shame down to the elevators. She spotted the two men in suits too late, they saw her the moment she came around the corner but she did her best to push through the humiliation. She got her boots on riding down with them, at least it made her able to keep her head down but she could imagine the glances they were giving her and each other.

One of the men held out his hand to let her step off first once they reached the lobby and she threw an annoyed glare over her shoulder as she heard the snickering. She wished she hadn't though as they didn't pipe down. She was thankful there was no bellhop in sight this morning, she wasn't sure she could take a smile right now.

She hurried across the street to her car, she knew she probably shouldn't be behind the wheel but crashing her car didn't seem like such a bad idea right about now. She had a few close calls on her reckless drive home, she earned a lot of honks along the way. She parked at the curb right outside the building and hurried upstairs.

She knew she was running late but she needed a shower desperately. She stripped of her clothes on her way down the corridor and turned on the shower before she made a much needed visit to the toilet. It stung a little as she peed but she tried to not think about it. If she did all sorts of memories of the night came flashing before her eyes and she just couldn't deal with all that right now. The bathroom had fogged up some when she stepped in to the shower and she let the almost scolding rays rinse her off. She had to turn the heat down a little as it stung her heat sensitive back.

She didn't mind some pain right now though. The tears blended with the water so while she was in there she let them flow without minding them. She wised up once she stepped out though. She wrapped a towel around herself and hurried to her room, dripping as she went. She dressed quickly, dried her hair with the towel and then just wrapped her hair up in a bun. She thought about just leaving the wet towel but realized she probably needed to have a better look at her face in the bathroom anyway.

Just as expected her eyes were bloodshot and she could see dark circles under her eyes. That wasn't the worst though. She hoped she was seeing things but as she took a closer look she really had marks across her throat. They weren't bad but if she could see them Fin would, and Liv.

"No, no, no," she mumbled rushing back down to her room. She was close to tears again, she tried blinking them away but instead she made some spill.

"Stop it," she mumbled to herself going through her closet. She found the stand-up color she was searching for and changed quickly. _What sort of person was she? Someone with her sick perversions couldn't be a cop. Shouldn't be a cop. You're truly sick._

She let her hair down, not caring how wet it still was and that it would surely leave trails on her top. She brought a concealer and a mascara and hurried back down to the car. _She couldn't spend a single moment alone with herself or she was sure she wouldn't make it out the door today. Maybe not even any other day either. She was sick. Should be locked in somewhere. Fin would be so disappointed in her._

She had to fight tears all the way to the station. On the parking lot she hastily put some concealer around her eyes and threw some mascara on hoping it would brighten up her eyes a little. She wasn't sure it did the trick and she put her sunglasses back on as she walked in to the station. Nick and Keith were already at their desks, she hurried by them, throwing them a short "morning". She hung her jacket, put her sunglasses up on her head and walked over to the coffee machine.

Nick tried to not make it too obvious he was studying her. He'd found her behavior yesterday a little odd, she'd seemed restless which wasn't necessary out of character for her but she certainly wasn't her focused self. After she'd made a short visit in to Liv's office, during which the door had got shut which probably meant serious business, she seemed even more shattered. He'd wanted to ask her if everything was okay. Knowing Fin was out of town he worried she was perhaps feeling a little anxious being on her own.

He knew how bad he'd reacted to being alone once he'd separated from his ex-wife, how bad he felt when his daughter wasn't around and his apartment was as quite as a ghost town. There were nights when he honestly didn't think he would make it through because of the silence. Nights when having a close friend around wouldn't have been bad at all. But he wasn't sure he could be that friend for her. He'd failed her before. Not able to keep that professional barrier between them so for now all he did was worry about her on the sideline.

**Work thankfully kept** her busy all morning. She could tell Nick was throwing her long looks but she tried to ignore it, _surely he only thought she was tired right?_ _Or could he tell just how deranged she was?_ She tried to block out the thoughts but whenever she got a split second over they found their way in there again. She knew she was a little high-strung and pushy as she stressed Nick and Keith they had the right suspect and had to get an arrest warrant but it was the only way she could stay focused so they would just have to deal with it.

Liv told them to grab lunch as she sought to the warrant. The last thing Amanda felt like right now was eating. She realized that had been a lie though as the last thing she felt like was clearly listening to Keith jabber about some hassle he had with his ex-wife. Listening to her own chewing was actually better than listening to him.

Once Liv finally called Nick to let him know they had the warrant though she was the first one up from the table. Nick said she had time to finish her plate but she shook him off. As the other two had already finished their meals they took off immediately.

They ran in to some trouble apprehending their suspect as he took flight. Amanda was miffed Keith was the one who got to tackle the guy to the ground. She didn't even get to cuff him so riding back she was in a foul mood. Liv wanted Amanda and Nick to take the interrogation. The suspect had an arrogant demeanor towards women which Liv hoped Amanda could use. Watching the interrogation from the other side of the glass though Liv could tell he got under Amanda's skin.

Liv knew how easy it was for a perp to get the upper hand if you lost focus for even a second, she'd been there herself a few times so she didn't blame any of her detectives if it happened to them from time to time. But Liv couldn't help but feel this one got Amanda rattled a little too easily. It got to a point where it got obvious Amanda would lose it in a little while, Nick had already been throwing anxious glances back at the glass a few times and Liv finally tapped her finger on the window.

Amanda knew she'd blown it the moment she heard the sharp knock on the glass. It was no question she was the one being called out as Nick had barely said a word since they entered. _Where was he when she needed him?_ She threw him a glare before she headed out. Walking out she refused to bow down to Liv and just stared her straight in the eyes. Liv quickly redirected her eyes inside the interrogation room again though and Amanda felt a little stupid for preparing herself for a scolding. _Maybe it was coming though? _

She took a stance a couple of steps behind Liv and Keith as she was still interested in seeing the interrogation. Keith glanced her way over his shoulder but didn't seem to dare to meet her eyes and then just followed Liv's example watching Nick work on his own. Thanks to Amanda's obvious aversion Nick was able to bond with the suspect and skillfully got a confession after using diligent interrogation methods.

"Good work," Liv told him as he stepped out of there and the four of them formed a circle. Well close to a circle, Amanda made it a little askew by staying a few steps aside.

"Well I got a little help," Nick said looking Amanda's way.

Amanda immediately felt bad. _Here he was giving her credit even though the truth was she'd lost it earlier and the thoughts she had of him had been nothing but cruel and unfair._ She wasn't sure Liv felt the same way as Nick though. She wore the same look as in her office yesterday.

"Okay, can you stay with the suspect, make sure he gets his confession properly down," Liv said looking at Nick and he gave her an immediate nod, "Rollins, Winters, will you inform the victim?"

"Sure thing boss," Keith acknowledged while Amanda settled with a nod. _It was just like Winters to suck up_.

Amanda had always had a preference to deal with the perps and suspects. The more hostile the better, gave her something to really chew in to. Victims had always been trickier though. Before… Simon she'd never had problem distancing herself. Sure she could be compassionate but she'd never ever related to victims. After Simon it got trickier though.

Simon, her mom, Atlanta PD, other people from her past. It got harder to lie to herself, she _had_ been a victim. She couldn't deny it but she still didn't want to face it. After Simon there had been moments when she had to apologize to Liv for getting emotional with victims. Liv had said there was no need to apologize, that it was no wonder after what she'd been through. Liv had tried to make Amanda realize that it could be a strength. It was nothing she wished to have happened to Amanda but things _had_ happened but as she was still with the PD, still functional, she'd turned from a victim to a survivor.

Amanda had really tried to take that to heart. Tried to think of herself as a survivor. _But right now all that felt like a joke. A survivor didn't act as reckless as her. A survivor wouldn't sleep with strangers when she had a perfect candidate right in front of her and whose heart she'd shatter if he ever found out. A survivor wouldn't be so weak, and wouldn't breach protocol the way she had with Anton. Liv was right to be disappointed with her_.

Already bashing herself Amanda's mood didn't improve as she had to listen to the victim do the same. She was happy the man who tried to rape her was caught but she still blamed herself for putting herself in that situation. She'd dressed way too skimpy and been too intoxicated. She'd kissed the perp earlier in the night, she had gone willingly with him. She'd done everything everyone knew that you shouldn't do so she had trouble putting all the blame on the man.

Already feeling vulnerable Amanda had a hard time keeping it together but she had to really steel herself as the victim fell crying in to her arms. Thankfully Keith had left them alone a while ago so Amanda didn't have to worry the few moments her face cracked, no one saw her anyway.

When Keith popped his head in a few minutes later the victim was still sobbing in Amanda's arm but it gave her a way to end it and get out of there. She tried reassuring the victim she shouldn't be blaming herself, that the man should've listen to her when she said stop. That she should focus on taking good care of herself and prepare for the possibility of a trial if the man went back on his confession.

Keith was again blabbering all the way back to the station. Something about them as a squad being pleased with shutting this case so quickly and that they deserved to celebrate as it was Saturday night and all. Amanda mostly just nodded. She was too wrapped up in her own head and with her conflicting thoughts. _She hadn't even said no last night. Or had she? It was all a blur once the woman had wrapped her hand around Amanda's throat. She could hear "no" echoing in her head. Save me. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking? That a part of her really didn't want to be there._

She knew she'd asked for that. She'd heard herself say it but somehow it felt as it was someone else. _She_ couldn't even let Fin touch her, how would _she_ ever be able to let two strangers touch her? A_nd how stupid was she accepting drugs? What if there was a random screening? She couldn't believe just how reckless she'd been._

She somehow agreed to write a few lines of how the victim had reacted in the case report but it did made sense since Keith hadn't been with them the entire time. It would also not take more than a few minutes. Liv had told them to wrap things up once it was down in the case report and then enjoy their Sunday off. Amanda might've missed the look Liv gave her and how she lingered in the door to her office just studying her for a while.

Once Amanda was done, it had taken her longer than it should have but those conflicting thoughts had made it hard for her to focus, she headed down to the locker room to get something she'd forgotten yesterday. Still a little distracted she walked right in, thought she was alone and therefor scared herself once she caught Keith by his locker about to button up his shirt.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't see a sign," Amanda said turning slightly. _The hassle with a joint locker room. She wasn't sure if he had put the sign up or not though, she really hadn't paid that much attention._

"Might've missed it," Keith said, "no worries though, I'm done, I'll be out of here in a sec…"  
"I'm just getting something from my locker, take your time," Amanda said as she proceeded to her locker. Opening her locker up she could smell the manly fragrance from Winter's shower. When she glanced over she caught him looking and they both chuckled slightly for some to both unknown reason.

"So you got any exciting plans for your Saturday night Rollins? With Fin being out of town…" Keith said finishing with his shirt, leaving the last two buttons open. She shot him a look.

"Oh I didn't mean…" Keith tried to excuse himself but couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't make his assumption even messier.

She didn't blame him for thinking they were more than partners, if that was it. She'd heard the gossip around the station but she liked making him nervous. It was something empowering being able to make someone feel awkward.

"What? You got a suggestion?" she said turning back to her locker. She heard him snickering and smiled herself.  
"Oh I can imagine a pretty girl like you don't need suggestions on how to get in trouble," he said.

Her smile faded behind the locker door and she swallowed hard.

"What about you, sounded earlier like you're still hooked on your ex," she felt a need to stick it to him.  
"Tina? You nuts? _She's_ nuts," Keith huffed.  
"That's not always bad," she said shoving her locker shut, "she could still be a good lay."

She had turned to him and she raised an eyebrow when his mouth dropped slightly. Her face made him start snickering again.

"Well I've been down that road and trust me I'm never ever going back to her sack again. Nope, no way," Keith said shaking his head as he put back his comb in his locker.

She let her eyes move up and down his body a few times. _He was definitely not bad looking. He should be able to score with someone other than his crazy ex._

"Maybe it's your pick-up lines," she suggested.  
"Huh?" he asked turning his head back to her.  
"Maybe you're using the wrong pick-up lines and that's why you don't score that often?"  
"Me? Not score? Hey I get plenty thank you very much," he said seeming a little offended.

It amused her and her smile got wider when she saw the blush on his cheeks as his eyes glanced her way again.

"So give me one," she challenged.  
"What?" he said making a face at her.  
"Give me one," she said throwing out her hands in the air as she took a step towards him.  
"I… can't do that," he said while a smile spread on his face.  
"Chicken?"  
"Oh c'mon," he snickered.  
"Go," she urged taking another step towards him.  
"Pretend I'm walking up to you in a bar, what would you use on me?"  
"Are you serious Rollins?" he asked looking like she must be pulling his leg. She gave him a challenging look.

"Okay…" he said letting his eyes go down her body to perhaps get a little more in character.  
"Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back," he said trying to add his most charming smile but he could feel himself how not charming it was. She'd been in the middle of a step but stopped and raised an eyebrow.

"Cheesy… and lame," she said rolling her eyes at him.  
"Oh c'mon I'm just getting started… Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed-rock."  
"I'm starting to see why I've never seen you score…" she mumbled while shaking her head.  
"So tell me what line I should use then," he said being half serious as she wasn't wrong, he hadn't scored for a long time now.

"That shirt…" she said letting her eyes go down to his chest. It looked as though he wanted to look down too but couldn't quite let her go with his eyes as she was very close now and his back ended up against the locker as her hand brushed down the row of buttons.

"…is very becoming on you," she whispered getting even closer to him, "Of course, if I was on you, I'd be coming too."

Keith looked very flustered and when he tried to take a breath it got stuck in his throat.

"Don't use pickup lines Keith," she breathed with a mischievous smile over her face, "they don't work."  
"I beg the difference, yours was very effective…" he wasn't really sure why he admitted that.

"That's because men buy everything a woman says to them. But women…," her fingers played with his top button, "_I_ don't need you to compare me to your little toe if you want to bang me against every furniture in your home. It would turn me on to just know you found me attractive. You don't have to talk about planets or Uranus, just tell me if you'd like to take me from behind."

"Am-" he breathed but she put two fingers against his lips to quiet him down. He wasn't sure he could take her proximity much longer, it was doing strange things to his mind, not to talk about his body.

"Keith, if you're looking for love, you shouldn't use pickup lines but if you're looking to just screw someone, tell them… tell _me_…"

If Keith wanted to say something at that point he wasn't able to, his throat was completely dried up. The way Amanda's eyes went from his eyes down to his mouth made him worry about her intentions. Her eyes weren't what he had to worry about though.

"No, I didn't grow up on a chicken farm but I can still raise a cock…" she whispered as her hand sneaked up his crotch. She smiled when she found him already… tense. Just as she'd expected he had a pretty decent package too.

"Your move Keith…" she challenged, voice dripping with seduction.

He swallowed hard trying to get a rational thought through his head. He wasn't sure what the proper thing to say or do now was. _She wanted him to do her right? Surely her hand digging in to give his balls a squeeze couldn't mean anything else? What was the protocol here? He didn't mind taking it but surely she was giving him permission to retaliate? Right now he couldn't think of one good reason to not do this._

He grabbed her hips as he pushed himself off the locker. He only got so far pushing her backwards as the back of her legs hit the bench between the two rows of lockers. He helped keep her balanced, a little worried she might've hurt herself but the smile over her face, the way she bit down on her lip, told him she was just fine. He was just about to swing her around and push her up against the lockers instead when they both heard the door.

The moment after their heads had spun around Nick came around the corner. He stopped mid-step as he caught them there in a, to him, very strange pose. Keith could've growled at that very moment and felt his heart drop slightly as Amanda let him go and instead put her palm to his chest and pushed him back roughly against the locker. Nick watched Amanda circle the bench and found her heading straight for him.

"Amanda…" he breathed not really recognizing the look over her face. Or he did recognize it and that might've been what scared him. His back was also pushed against a locker as she kept coming but just when she reached him she bit the air in front of his face before she made the turn to the door instead. Both men were left with their jaws dropped as they heard the door shut again. Keith's frozen position was the first to break.

"Oh my gawd… she's in some serious heat," he snickered turning back to his locker readjusting his junk.

Nick was still a little unclear on how to react but finally managed to peel himself off the locker.

"What the hell was going on here?" he asked angrily, charging Keith.  
"Hey, don't you go jump by bones too," Keith snickered obviously not feeling anything else than amused.  
"What are you talking about Winters? What happened here just now?" Nick demanded to know and shut Keith's locker in front of him to get his full attention.

"Hey, don't…" Keith said holding up his hands a little to get Nick to calm down, "Look I honestly dunno what just went down. We were just throwing out some pick-up lines, hey she asked to hear some of mine," Keith tried to explain as he caught the furred brows above Nick's eyes.

"I just gave her a few lame ones but you should've heard hers… Oh man, I knew she had tongue but that it was _that_ dirty…"  
"Hey," Nick reprimanded not wanting to hear him talk about a colleague like that, especially not one that had been through what she had.

"Well next I know she has my junk in her hand. And I got to say she seemed to like it," Keith smiled but it got wiped off as Nick's hand jabbed his shoulder.  
"It didn't look like you stopped her," Nick raised his voice, "You were the one that had her against the bench."  
"_After_ she challenged me," Keith spat back, "Hey, have you seen her? I would not be a man if I said no to that, and after the dirty things she threw at me, she was begging for it…"

Nick's hand came up to his shoulder again but then he stepped away as he knew he wouldn't be able to stop at just his shoulder if Keith kept grinning that way. Not that Nick was sure Keith didn't deserve it.

"Hey, if she's not with Fin…" Keith said opening up his locker again.  
"Hey," Nick said slamming it shut again. Keith started to look seriously pissed but Nick didn't care and put his finger up in his face.  
"You stay the hell away from Rollins you hear?! You don't ever lay a hand on her again or Fin won't be your biggest problem…"  
Nick turned on his heel and walked right out hoping Keith had gotten the message.

Liv was still in her office as Nick popped his head in.  
"You've seen Rollins?" he asked. Liv's eyes automatically went out over the squad room but then she shook her head as he'd obviously already checked there.

"I thought I'd sent you all home," she said. Nick lingered in the door, looked reluctant to either step inside or go home.

"What's up Nick?" she asked putting her pen down. Nick still looked reluctant but took a single step inside.  
"Something…," he started but seemed to change his mind, "Fin's not home till tomorrow right?"

He waited for her nod.

"Maybe someone should check up on her?"  
"Why Nick?" she asked sensing something had happened that she wasn't aware of.

"All I'm going to say is that I think it would probably be good if someone checked up on her and that someone can't be either me or Keith…" he held her eyes for a few moments before he started walking out.

"Nick…" Liv tried but he just kept walking out of the squad room and disappeared around the corner.

She had no idea what was going on. She was still concerned over the fact Amanda had visited Anton's club and that she didn't seem to have a good reason to why. And today she'd lost it in interrogation which added to whatever had Nick concerned made Liv wonder if maybe she should've intervened earlier. She hurried to pack things up, she still had some things that had to be sorted by Monday but she brought the files with her hoping she could still stay home tomorrow. She tried calling Amanda's phone but she didn't pick up.

Walking over to her car on the lot she spotted Amanda's, or maybe more so Fin's, still parked a couple of pockets down from hers. Liv had a closer look but Amanda was nowhere in sight. She tried calling again but same result. She walked back to the station and asked the desk sergeant if he by any chance had seen detective Rollins leave or not. He said he had and again Liv asked very politely if he was really sure as her car was still in the lot. He said he was really sure since she'd bumped in to someone just as she was heading out and there had been a bit of a ruckus. He couldn't tell her much more than that.

Liv walked back out a little unsure on what to do. _Maybe the car was supposed to stay in the lot over night? Maybe Amanda had commuted some other way in this morning?_ Liv tried calling one more time as she drove over to Fin and Amanda's. If Amanda had taken the L she figured she might've beat her there but she still went up to make sure she wasn't home already. No one answered her knock and she couldn't hear any ringing from within as she tried calling yet again.

She sat in her car outside the apartment for a while, watching the curb as she tried getting some work done. She was getting both hungry and tired though and after blowing off the idea she could use her powers to get a trace on Amanda's phone, it just didn't feel right to stalk her after everything she's been through, she drove home trying to put Amanda out of her thoughts but found it difficult.

**Hours later Amanda had** bar-hopped her way down to Brooklyn. She had no idea how she'd managed to get that far but she was drunk and she was having fun so she really didn't care. Some people had hit on her during the +10 pit stops she'd made but she had no real urge to jump someone's bones any longer. Walking out of the station house she'd felt a little disoriented, like she'd been missing for a while but the cool air did the trick and the slight tingle she felt in her core started to decline. All she really wanted to do was have a drink and this time she wouldn't be stupid enough to get behind the wheel so she left the car behind.

The plan had only been to have a few to release some of the tension and then go back home to wait for Fin's homecoming tomorrow. The dark apartment wasn't so inviting though. She was pretty sure she hadn't turned any lights on during her brief visit to the apartment this morning, so she talked herself in to just one more drink to build up confidence to face the dark apartment. Of course one had turned to many and she didn't feel like stopping yet. She found herself in front of a pub sign that she recognized. She'd been here a few years ago with Cragen and the rest of the squad. It was a hangout for cops and hey last she checked she still was one. Better socialize with them while she could, if Liv found out what she'd been up to lately her career would probably be over with.

Already pretty wasted she walked in, headed straight for the bar and with a beer in her hand she quickly found some people to talk to. She found the guys in there easy going and so friendly. Showing off her pool skills she gained quite an audience and except for that first beer she didn't have to pay for the rest of them. She had noticed the ratio of males and females in there differed quite a lot but she knew there was at least one other woman in there as she'd run in to one in the bathroom.

She had no idea what district she worked but she had asked Amanda if it wasn't time to call it a night. Amanda was too liquored up to take offence and just laughed the woman off. She tried urging though, said they could share a cab. Amanda planted a wet one right on the stunned woman's lips, told her she wasn't going home with anyone tonight and headed back out.

She'd lost track of names or what ranks the guys had. It didn't really matter though as it felt as they were all equals in there. Younger guys, older guys, good looking ones, not so good looking ones, officers, detectives, she'd talked to at least one sergeant. Everyone was so friendly here. This was such a good place, it just lacked one thing…

"There's no music," Amanda said out of the blue, "no dancing."  
"There's some music," the guy to her left said pointing up in the air to the soft background music coming from somewhere.

"That's just static," Amanda said bumping his shoulder with her own, "There should be some dancing in here, it would liven the place up a bit."  
"You've liven it up plenty enough," someone said and clinked his bottle in to someone else's before they both took a swig.

"There's a jukebox in the corner but I'm not even sure it works," another guy said.  
"It works, I've chosen some tracks on it before. I think it's just unplugged now," another one said.  
"Well plug it in then, let's get this place hoping," Amanda said getting to her feet. When she swayed plenty of hands helped her steady herself but she laughed it off as it was nothing and walked over to the jukebox with some of the lads. She was ecstatic as it only took the cord to light the entire thing up.

"This is gorgeous," she said sliding her hands over the machine, fascinated by the bright lights that started flashing.  
"Well I'm sorry to say this," the guy to her side said, "but I don't think you'll find much to dance to in here, all songs seems to be oldies."

Amanda let her eyes as well as finger slid down a list of songs. Her face lit up.

"Oh I know this one, this one _I_ can dance to," she said and the guy put a coin in so she could press the right number. She held his eyes as the first notes swallowed the murmur of the pub.

"_Dirty, rotten, filthy, stinkin_...," echoed out of the speakers and a mischievous smile spread all across her face, "_She's my cherry pie_," she mouthed with the song before she started to pull herself from the jukebox to get a little bit more room to swing her hips around. She quickly lost herself in the song and gained quite a crowd.

"Wow, she can _dance_," someone said and everyone around him agreed.  
"_She's my cherry pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good, make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie oh yeah_."

Amanda repeated the moves from Assets but left out the shedding of clothes but men were undressing her with their eyes at this point.

"She needs a stage," someone suggested. Amanda was busy dancing and didn't notice how some guys cleared a section of the bar that was an extra extension and not really used for anything then hanging on or around.

"Come here sweetie," someone said and pulled her with him. She took the chance to grind him and got a few whistles from her audience.

"_Swing it! All night long, Swing it! Swingin the bathroom. Swingin' on the floor. Swingin' so hard_."

She felt herself getting lifted up upon the bar and again some men had to steady her to keep her balance up there.

"Hold on," she yelled and leaned against the post that separated the extension from the actual bar. She took her boot off and tossed it out in the bar, some guys cheering as they probably expected clothes to be shed after. She took the next boot off and tossed it too before she started dancing again. The post was a little wide to use as a pole but it did give her something to lean and grind against.

"_She's my cherry pie, cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise. Tastes so good, make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie oh yea_h."

The crowd started to sing a long on the parts they knew, _cherry pie_ rang loudest. When the song rang out Amanda got loads of cheers, claps and whistles and she took a bow.

"One more time."  
"Encore."  
"Take your clothes off."

The bids were many. Amanda just laughed at them all trying to see if someone wanted to help her down.

"Please, one more," a face begged her.  
"Okay okay, just pick one," Amanda agreed to everyone's delight.

Everyone's but the bartender and a few anxious looks from officers that had started to pull towards the exit as they didn't want to take part in whatever was going on further in. By the far end of the bar a pair of very intrigued eyes watched Amanda throw back a shot someone handed her where she stood high up above everyone else. He was very intrigued by her display.

Some soft claps started as another song finally came on and Amanda tried to find the beat. She'd never heard the song before but she was good at improvising. Whistles and roars started as soon as she got her hips moving and when she closed her eyes she was back on that stage. A few times she came a little close to the edge but there were plenty of hands there to make sure she didn't fell off it.

Between the next songs she got served another couple of shots and by now she'd lost all sense of her limit. She felt woozy but fabulous and the last thing she wanted was to get off the stage. For the first time in ages she had no worries in the world. Her dances got raunchier by the songs. She was down on all fours at times and didn't even acknowledge the groping. She didn't spot the man plowing his way through the crowd either. The man aiming straight for her.


	11. Chapter 11: Land mines

Sorry for the lack of updates. Took a vacation to write but what do I do? Anything _but_ write. Thank God I'll be back at work on Monday ;)

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**Chapter 11: Land mines**

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"_Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."_ ~ Sir Walter Scott

* * *

Liv took the stairs down her building as the elevator took too long. She was slightly concerned about the phone call she had received not long ago. It wasn't like this person to be so short. She'd been asked to come downstairs in ten. She could sense something was wrong, she just didn't know what it was.

The fall wind felt crisp as she stepped out on the curb and she wished she'd put on a sweater. Her side of the street were parked packed but she spotted the car she was looking for in a spot further down across the street. Any other day she would've waved but now she just waited for a car to pass and then hurried across.

"Hey, what's up? I thought you were working?" she said as she got closer to him. She rubbed her arms slightly feeling the cold as well as some worry.

"I was, _I am_," he said leaning one hand against his SUV.

She felt a little relieved when he leaned in to give her a quick kiss. She'd learnt Sergeant Eli Hetfield had a tough exterior but she'd probably never met a man with a bigger heart. For the year and a half they had been seeing each other now she'd never felt more loved in her entire life.

"You should've worn a sweater," he said noticing her shivering. She smiled, happy for his concern but shook him off.

"I'm fine. What's wrong?" she asked knowing something troubled him. He shot her another look and she could tell he didn't like to bring her whatever news he had for her. But instead of opening his mouth he took a step towards her and she took a step back as his hand went down the tinted window on the back door. As soon as he opened the back door the light inside the cabin turned on and she had no problem seeing who was knocked out and sprawled out all over his back seat.

"Oh my… what…" she breathed immediately stepping to the car to get a closer look on her detective and also put her hands on her. She knew Eli wouldn't have brought her there if she was dead but Liv still had to feel for a pulse, she just looked so ruined. It didn't take long until she smelled the strong odor of liquor and she frowned swiping her hand over Amanda's clammy face.

"What happened?" Liv asked without letting Amanda go with her eyes. She heard the heavy sigh Eli took before he spoke, another sign he didn't like what he had to tell her.

"Chris called me, one of his guys called him. She was hanging at O'Malleys, it's a local cop bar in Brooklyn…" he took a breath and Liv had time to turn her head towards him. His face told her there were more to say.

"She wasn't just _hanging_," he said carefully, "she was… _on_ the bar, dancing."

Liv frowned. She spotted a red mark on his cheek and he saw her eyes go there.

"It's nothing, I got her out of there," he calmed her.

**He had been in** the middle of his late shift when he received the call. Chris was at home with his kids or he would've gone himself. It wasn't like they were friends with Amanda but being the only surviving victim of the grizzly serial killer they'd chased for years she meant a lot to them and she would always be a part of their lives.

He'd been to O'Malleys plenty of times, he was a regular before he hooked up with Olivia. After that though he rather hung out with her than a rowdy group of shields. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen such a crowd in there. He spotted her immediately, high up on that bar and even from a distance he could tell how dangerous it was as she was obviously very intoxicated.

The volume was high, the cheering louder than the music from time to time. Eli recognized James behind the bar, he looked more concerned than Eli ever had seen him. There had been plenty of brawls in there but they were usually rather easy to break up. This situation though, this looked like one no cop in there was willing to put an end to. A man had jumped up on the bar, sitting at the end of it it gave Amanda something else than the pole to grind up against and the cheering got ear numbing for a brief moment.

When the guy's hand went up underneath Amanda's top Eli started plowing his way towards her. He had to use his elbows and got some shoves back but he did have some respect in this community, ironically thanks to the woman now on display, and they backed off once they recognized him.

Eli reached the bar as the man tried to hold on to Amanda's leg to get her to keep grinding against his face and Eli reached up to and gripped the guy's arm as he shouted at him to let her go. The guy looked a little stunned and lost his grip around Amanda's leg which made her stumble slightly. She might've dropped head first in to the pole if there hadn't been plenty of hands there to save her. She did however end up on all four on the bar.

Eli hadn't had time to reach for her as the guy seemed miffed at him and tried to shove him back. Eli got a hold off his collar and pulled him down to his level. The guy put his fists up but two other men got their arms around him and pulled him back and quickly out of view from Eli. Turning back around towards Amanda he spotted a man supplying her with alcohol she certainly didn't need. She was still on all four and Eli's gut flared with anger as he saw the few hands that groped her very inappropriate but seemingly without her even sensing it.

He could only deal with one thing at the time though and stopping the liquor supply was most important right now. He shoved the guy's glass away from her so harshly it fell and crashed against the floor.

"Fuck you," the man that had held on to the glass shrieked angrily and went for Eli. He was ready though and again grabbed the collar as he shoved him backwards.

"Can't you see she's had enough already," Eli shouted right down his face. When he wanted to Eli knew he could be very threatening with his length that he could use to form a large frame and he used that now. He wasn't sure the guy recognized him but some of his buddies seemed to and helped to hold the man back. Looking around though Eli could tell there were plenty of hostile eyes that did not like the fact he'd come in there to break up the show.

Turning back around he found Amanda sitting on the bar. The sudden interruption in the stage show somehow seemed to have made several men, Eli hated to even call them that, think they had the right to fondle her and Eli's rage flared up again. She had another shot in her hand that he yanked away from her, she was in such a state her eyes lagged behind and Eli had already started shoving prying hands off her when she registered she'd put a empty hand against her lips.

"Turn the fucking music off," Eli shouted as he had to keep slapping hands away, guys even came up behind him trying to get in on the groping and he started to feel crowded.

Several boos had already been heard as he shouted but once the music actually abruptly stopped plenty more were heard.

"Oh c'mon."  
"Don't ruin the show."  
"Take her clothes off."

Eli tried to ignore the comments but they fueled his anger whether he wanted to or not and he got more aggressive shoving the men off her. It was a battle he wasn't winning though and he realized he would have to get her out of this environment, and fast. He jumped down from the foot railing and grabbed her. Her heavily intoxicated state made her limp and unable, or perhaps unwilling, to work with him and he finally just dragged her down from the bar landing her over his shoulder. Once over his shoulder she seemed to clock out and became dead weight for him to carry.

He had to use his elbows to just turn around with her. It was at this time an arm that came up bruised his cheek. Someone else grabbed a hold of the guy's arm though and twisted him backwards so Eli could start to head out. Thankfully he ran in to no more trouble as people seemed to fold away leaving a clear path in front of him over to the door. Someone even opened the door for him but Eli couldn't give the man an appreciating look as the anger was still very manifested in his entire being.

He'd parked sloppily right outside the bar and got the back door open. He pulled her down over his shoulder slowly, made sure to get a hand underneath her head as it bopped back.

"Amanda?" he tried before he made an attempt to put her in the back. The fact he had to hold her up completely probably was the only hint he needed to know she was out but he was a little concerned about the amount of alcohol she had in her system. From what little he'd seen of her behavior inside he was afraid she had too much.

"Amanda?" he tried again and got a hand up to slap her cheek slightly. It made her whimper but she still seemed unable to put any weight on her own feet. At least she'd made a noise so he was a little relieved. He tensed up immediately though as he heard the bar door and felt the presence. The two men that had stepped out in a hurry though backed up slightly as they saw the sergeant's harsh face as he turned around.

"Sarge," one of the men breathed with his hands up in the air. Eli recognized Chris' detective and he also recognized the one next to him, it was one of his own.

"We only wanted to…" his detective said softly holding out her boots for him to see. Eli frowned as he looked down, he hadn't even registered she wasn't wearing anything on her feet. The other detective held out her jacket.

"Put them in the front," he said cocking his head at the door up ahead of him. His detective took the jacket from the other one and put the things in the passenger seat.

"Look we would've… if it got bad enough…" his guy stammered slightly.  
"It _was_ bad enough," Eli scolded. The two detectives looked even more ashamed. Eli tried to calm down, he knew it was probably one of them that called Chris but he still wasn't pleased they'd been a part of that degrading spectacle.

"I expect more of you," he said looking at his detective, "and of you," he said looking at Chris' guy.  
"I know," his detective answered bashfully, "Can we help you get her in the car…"

Eli looked briefly to the woman in his arms.

"No, enough men have had their hands on her tonight, just scoot," Eli said cocking his head at them to leave.

He couldn't deal with them tonight, it would have to wait. They looked reluctant to leave but knew Eli never messed around and they slowly started walked down the street. Eli made sure they took off but then started with the somewhat strenuous work to hoist Amanda in to the back seat. He climbed in with her, hovering over her as he tried to get her over on her side slightly to keep her airways free. And maybe also to have her throw up on the floor, he was rather certain that would happen sooner or later.

Turning her meant touching her a bit though and she started mumbling a little.

"No… please… don't…"

He couldn't make out all she was saying but he heard enough to keep his hands off her.

"You're okay Amanda," he tried as he felt a need to reassure her she was safe, "No one's going to… hurt you now."

He dared to brush some hair off her face before he climbed back out. He made sure her feet were folded on the seat before he shut the door carefully. He walked around behind the car and got in behind the wheel. He rolled down both front windows hoping the air would do her a little good as he took off from the curb.

He'd called Liv from the car, he had arrived a little quicker than planned but now here he was standing on the curb next to Olivia. He hated making her upset and he knew this would upset her. He'd spent numerous nights listen to her vent her concerns over her detective, even more frequently as that shrink's stepson had started stalking the detective and resurfacing some old wounds. Wounds for Amanda mostly obviously but also for her squad.

He reached out and stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear so he could see her better but also because he felt like touching her.

"I wasn't sure where to take her, I figured…" he stopped talking as he really wasn't sure what he'd figured.  
"No," she said a bit hoarsely and she had to clear her throat before she continued, "Fin is out of town, it was good that you brought her to me."

Liv managed a smile at him but it vanished as she turned her eyes back at Amanda.

"You have time to help me get her upstairs?" she finally said.  
"Of course," he said and stepped in.  
"No, get her things in the passenger seat instead, I got her," he said as he knew it would be easier if he just carried her by himself.

Liv reluctantly let Amanda go but then hurried around to fetch her things. Eli grabbed a hold under her arms and pulled her out. Before she was completely out he switch his grip around her, put one arm underneath her knees and one around her back. He lifted her up, readjusted her slightly to get a better grip around her and then used his foot to kick the door shut. Liv came back around carrying Amanda's jacket and boots and she helped him get Amanda's head up a little against his shoulder. Before they'd reached the other side of the street though her head had tilted back down. Eli could see Liv throwing concern looks.

"She's fine," he reassured her, "get the door."

Liv sighed but did as told and hurried a head slightly. He let her readjust Amanda's head once they were in the elevator. Mostly because he knew it would make her feel better, Amanda could care less at this point. When Liv caught him looking at her she tried a smile but knew he knew it was forced. She couldn't stop blaming herself, _she should've been able to prevent this from happening. She'd seen the slow descend. This shouldn't have had to happen. _

She was still scolding herself as they entered her apartment but she soon got other things to think about. He'd asked her where she wanted him to put Amanda down and she'd answered the guest room. That's where they were heading, Liv walking in ahead to make sure the bed was cleared when Eli suddenly called for her attention. She saw him rush by the door towards the bathroom.

She rushed after, hearing things fall over in the bathroom as Eli ducked towards the shower with Amanda. He'd heard familiar sounds down her throat, feared she would choke on her own vomit but at the same time not wanting her to throw up all over the hallway. Liv just made it there in time to swipe Amanda's hair out of the way as Eli tipped her forward. He still had to hold her up, all while her mostly unconscious body threw up all over the shower.

"You're okay, you're okay," Liv soothed, rubbing her free hand over Amanda's back even though she probably wasn't aware of any of it.  
"I think we need to clean her up a little," Eli said once he thought Amanda was done.

She'd been still in his arms for quite some time. Liv tied a rubber band around Amanda's hair so she was able to let it go. She rinsed out the shower quickly and then they helped each other out to clean Amanda up. Liv toweled her dry best she could. Amanda's top was both stained and wet though.

"Hold on," Liv said and then stood up to walk out. She came back with a clean tee.  
"Maybe I should…" Eli wasn't sure he should stay around for this.  
"You're family Eli," Liv said though, "Can you sit her up a little."

Eli struggled a little to get her up, it was hard work to handle deadweight but rearranging her legs a little he got her in a better position and Liv could start to peel off her top. She swallowed hard as Amanda's back got exposed, it had been a while since she saw it last. Liv caught sight of Eli's strained face but he collected himself quickly when he noticed Liv watching him. She realized he hadn't seen the extensive scaring Simon's torture had left her with.

It also dawned on her that Amanda might be the case, that victim, that stayed with him. She knew it all too well, how some victims sneaked their way in under your skin. She had a missing boy case from more than 10 years back that still haunted her. That boy's face popped up in her mind now and then to this day. And there were other victims, mostly surviving rape victims, that stayed with her constantly. Faces and wounds she would never get rid of, might not want to get rid of either. In some odd way it helped to carry on, to work harder for that next victim. Obviously Amanda's case also had a profound effect on Liv and she talked about it often with Eli but she realized she never had listen to him in this case. She vouched to herself to turn the tables when she got a chance.

Liv hurried to run the other side of the wet towel over Amanda's front and back. She couldn't help but notice something sticking up of her jeans and she got a sick feeling as she pulled up a dollar bill shoved down her pants. Eli watched her as she crumbled it together and tossed it towards the trash bin. Liv picked up the tee and carefully put it over Amanda's head.

"Wait," Liv said as Eli was about to help with one of Amanda's arms. She put her hands up inside Amanda's tee and unhooked her bra.

"Believe me, she'll sleep better without it," Liv whispered as she swiped the bra off. They then took one arm each. It was when Liv pulled up Amanda's hair and thought about redoing her ponytail she spotted the marks on her neck. She immediately investigated closer, turned Amanda's head to get more light on what she thought she saw and Eli had to look at what she found so interesting.

"Did she get these tonight?" Liv asked. Eli shrugged.  
"I don't think so," was all he could answer.

Liv ran her fingers over the slight bruises that she detected on both sides of her throat. _They were too fresh to have been inflicted by Anton_, Liv thought to herself. _If she hadn't seen him again that was. She did not like the looks of this at all. _

"What?" Eli asked wanting to know what was in her head. Liv shook him off though.  
"Take her to bed?" Eli asked as he knew she wouldn't talk about whatever it was bothering her right now.

He had a pretty good idea, he remembered the marks around Amanda's neck that time he'd been called over to Fin years ago. Liv nodded and stood by to make sure he was able to get a good grip around Amanda as he lifted her off the floor. Amanda moaned a little. Liv was quickly there with a hand on her cheek. She was concerned but couldn't help but feel as it was a good sign too, she was alive and felt it.

Eli put Amanda down carefully on the bed in the guest room. He stepped away to give Liv room to rearrange Amanda's limbs a little.

"I really should head back, will you be okay here?" he had to ask. He really didn't feel like leaving her alone but his phone had buzzed a few times already. Liv had heard the buzzing too and knew he had to get back to work.

"There's not much more we can do for her now anyway, " she said rising from the bedside to stroke Eli's arm. He grabbed her hand when she got down there.

"Thank you so much for… bringing her here," Liv said, her voice cracking up a little. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles.

"She'll be okay," he whispered, "we'll make sure of it."

Liv did her best to look as convinced as he sounded. She really wanted to believe him but doubt reared its ugly head in the back of her mind.

"Call me," he said, "if you need anything."  
"Thank you Eli," she whispered before putting her lips on his.

When she tried to withdraw he grabbed her to just hold her lips against his for a while longer. He needed it as much as she did right then and she had a smile on her face when he let her go.

"I'd put a bin by her bed," Eli said with a raised eyebrow. Liv nodded, smile still lingering.

"Bye," he whispered and shot one last look over Amanda's way before he stepped out. Liv stayed planted for a while but turned her head towards Amanda. She pulled a deep sigh and sat down next to her sleeping detective.

"What are we gonna do with you," Liv whispered while pushing away some strands of hair from Amanda's forehead.  
"What am_ I _gonna do…" she said putting her hand on Amanda's cheek.

**If there was ever a** time she knew how a vampire felt it was now. The sun hurt so deeply she was sure it was actually killing her. Even with her eyes close it felt as though the light tried to claw out her sockets. Her skin felt hot and bothered. If she had the strength she would move herself out of the sun light but frying actually sounded more compelling than moving a single muscle. Even in this dazed state she regretted the thought immediately.

Frying was definitely worse. When you'd been through all levels of hell you knew, and really had the _right_ to value the difference. Burning was worse than whipped. Whipped was a slightly worse than getting poisoned by a snake. If you counted in the fear of the snake then it beat whipped but then you really had gone down a slippery slope cause if you counted in facts like fear and humiliation then you had to reevaluate the classification. Peeing yourself while… _oh why was she thinking about this now? Didn't she already feel bad enough? _

Snapping out of her morbid thoughts she had time to start to wonder where she was. The light didn't reach the bed in Fin's bedroom and in her room it was only the evening sun that reached her bed. These rays felt like deadly-too-early-laser-beams and not like the nice, warming evening ones. She got a little scared when she tried to move her hands but couldn't get a sense of them. Pulling them out from underneath the pillow under her head she realized they were just oxygen deprived and the tingling that started as she managed to drag them further down on the bed was actually a welcomed even though uncomfortable feeling. At least she had her hands left. That was also something you learnt to appreciate when you've been held by a maiming serial killer. _Stop_.

Once the sensation came back in her touch she could tell the fabric in the sheets were different, these were way silkier than any of Fin's. She was still unable to open her eyes but when she felt she had her jeans and tee on she felt a little calmer. Not finding anything but a wall and nothing on either side of her felt good too as apparently the memory of where she'd woken up yesterday wasn't erased by whatever she had been up to last night. _What had she been up to? She really had to open up her eyes now. _

"Sweet Jesus," she mumbled once she managed to open up her eyes slightly and realized what a huge mistake that was. She was sure her sight was lost for good. Okay not really but the pain was real. She managed to cover her eyes with one hand and made another attempt to open her eyes up. It went a little better this time until she realized she hadn't really opened her eyes at all. _Maybe she should just give up and let the sun fry her? It wasn't like she could get in any worse state than she was already in right?_

But anxiety started to creep in. She really had no idea where she was at and that was a scary feeling. She remembered beer, and bars, _lots_ of bars, _and_ beers. _Oh Gawd her head hurt. She hoped old memories were resurfacing as she heard the Cherry Pie tune ringing in her ears as she saw images of men down by her feet. Oh Gawd what had she done last night? She had some memories of a cop bar but again she really hoped it was old memories popping up because she wasn't sure she could take the shame._

The pain told her she had in fact managed to open her eyes up this time. Just moving them from side to side hurt so she tried moving her head instead. The pain was just slightly less in her neck. She spotted a bed stand. A glass of water on top of it. She couldn't see much else. She managed to get her hand up against the wall behind her and with some help of that she pushed herself up slightly on her side.

She still had no idea where she was at. She didn't recognize the room but was grateful the window at least didn't seem to have bars over it. Looking over to the door though it was closed and she was a little afraid she would later find that it was locked. Right now though making it over to the door seemed like a too big of an adventure. If she could sit up that would be progress enough she figured.

When she spotted the plastic bucket by the side of her bed though she suddenly learned she could move faster than she thought. _Whoever had put it there was a godsend_ Amanda had time to think as she grabbed for it and managed to get over it just as she hurled. She thought it was over a few times but then some residue beer found its way up her throat making her gag again. She dry heaved for some time and so to not keel over in to the bucket she brought it up on the bed and managed to actually sit up.

During the dry heaving she had time to reflect over the fact she didn't have her own top on, at least she didn't think it was hers. But it was her jeans and they were zipped and buttoned up. Thank God. She really needed that water on the bed stand but she just couldn't reach for it. Once she spotted the two small pills next to the glass though she felt it was worth the effort.

She rinsed out her mouth and spit it down the bucket. _Oh the stench_. If it didn't hurt so much she would've frowned. She relied completely on whoever had put the pills on the bed stand, if the pills was cyanide so be it, she figured she was living on borrowed time anyway. Once the pills were down she really felt like just burying herself in the bed but curiosity as well as some angst made her feel a need to find out if that door was locked or not.

She had plenty of time to rethink her initial plan as she slowly made her way over to the door. Every bit of her hurt right now but the head the most and she really started to rethink it's placement on the body, surely it could fit down by the floor somewhere instead. Screw not being able to see above a threshold.

When she finally made it over to the door she had to just stop and breathe for a while as she used the wall next to the door as a place to rest her head against. Her eyes soon landed on the handle though and she started to work herself up dreading to find it locked. She wasn't sure what she'd though if it was locked. She would die. Again.

She lived. The relief once the door just slid open was beyond words. Unfortunately the relief was only momentarily as the humongous hangover claimed her entire being again. Looking outside she still had no idea where she was but something felt familiar. She heard noises and started moving towards the sound. Somewhere half way down the hallway she realized where she was, she'd been here a few times before, but she was a master at oblivion and this was a realization she would rather be without.

Everything went from bad to worse the moment she spotted Liv in her kitchen area. Amanda ducked behind the corner again, pasting herself close to the wall. _Why was she here? How did she get here? What had she done? _She didn't have any answers to any of her questions. She was still hoping the memories popping up were old ones since she just didn't think she could live with the embarrassment. This giant headache was surely a result of heavy drinking. _Surely she could just be mixing memories together? There was just no way she would've been dancing on a bar last night and to Cherry Pie of all songs. Just no way._

She didn't think she could feel any worse but she'd been wrong. When Liv suddenly came around the corner it scared the crap out of her and she was convinced her heart wasn't beating until she realized it was beating too fast to even register. She'd tried to scream but nothing had come out of her throat, instead it was Liv's startled cry that tried to shatter her ear drums.

"Oh my… I didn't…" Liv breathed once she calmed down. The hand that had gone up to her mouth quickly went over to Amanda's arm as Liv stepped closer to her.

"You look like you need to sit down," Liv said with great concern. Amanda tried shaking her off even though she felt as though her legs were going to buckle underneath her at any second.

"Are you sure?" Liv asked and made sure she had some room between herself and the younger woman. Amanda seemed to need it.

_Why aren't you scolding me? You should be firing me. You should be angry, upset, disappointed._ Amanda nodded.

"C'mon," Liv still said and pulled at Amanda's arm a little. Amanda felt too weak to object, she wasn't sure she was allowed to either, and let Liv lead her away from the wall. Amanda felt really bothered by the consideration, she didn't feel as though she deserved any concern at this time, she would much rather have Liv scold her even though it would probably increase her headache. Liv stuck around to make sure Amanda sat comfortable and then hurried around the counter.

"I'm making some breakfast for us," Liv said as she approached the stove. She'd been keeping the scrambled eggs on low heat for a while but increased it now. She put a few slices of bread in the toaster before she went over to the fridge. She brought out a glass and walked back over to Amanda with it. Liv smiled at the doubtful look Amanda gave the glass.

"It's coconut water, well a homemade version as I didn't have fresh coconut at home," Liv explained. Amanda looked suspicious still.  
"Try some, it's good for you," Liv said as she walked back over to the stove.

Amanda didn't want to be ungrateful but all she really wanted right now was a cup of coffee even though she knew caffeine wasn't that great the day after. The coolness of the drink was at least nice but when Liv arrived with a plate any comfort was gone again. Amanda swallowed hard watching the egg and toast on the plate Liv served her.

"It will do you good, trust me," Liv said as she walked away again to not crowd her. Liv tried to not make it too obvious she threw Amanda a few glances as she fixed a plate for herself. Amanda wasn't touching her fork and it did concern Liv. Liv walked back over and had a seat opposite her. Again she did her best to not stare Amanda down. The detective had another taste of her drink served but she wasn't touching her plate.

"You really should try some," Liv finally had to say to break the awkward silence. Amanda fingered her fork but didn't pick it up.

"If you had the pills they will help your head but with an empty stomach they'll give you new grief," Liv said before stuffing her own mouth. Liv wasn't sure if it was the information or just biting the bullet that finally made Amanda grab the fork. Her hand seemed a little shaky and drummed against the plate before she was able to separate the two.

"It's really nice weather out," Liv said in an attempt to make the moment less tense but she knew it was hard to make this situation any less uncomfortable. She watched Amanda threw a glance over at the window. She was chewing something in her mouth at least which made Liv pleased. She just hoped Amanda would be able to keep it down.

It did look like nice weather outside. _What weather was it yesterday?_ Amanda had no idea, yesterday was still mostly a blur. The eggs in her mouth suddenly felt like the soggy lumps with a taste reminisce of what she'd been up to earlier. She put the water to her mouth and tried washing it all down in one go. It worked some but she realized it wasn't nausea taking over her body, no this feeling no homemade coconut water would wash away. She tried some toast but it filled up her mouth and she had to fight everything to not spit it out like some child. Not that she was acting so maturely lately.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she put down her fork. She knew she would disappoint her boss by not eating but the apology went beyond just the food. She felt her sergeant's eyes on her but she couldn't face her.

"What's going on Amanda?" Liv asked putting down her fork as well.  
"I… I just, with Fin being gone…" Amanda couldn't believe her own lie and knew she was doing a poor job of it.  
"This isn't just about Fin being away Amanda, something has been going on with you for some time now," Liv said trying to suppress some of the concern that welled up inside of her.

She knew she couldn't get too emotional. She was Amanda's supervisor but also in charge of the unit and it put her in a difficult spot. It put her in a situation she didn't want to be in and that Amanda clearly didn't want to be in either. She kept her head down, she looked pale and miserable, the tee hanging off her sloping shoulders and it took everything for Liv to not walk around the counter and just give the young woman a hug.

"Was it the Lucas situation? Did that set something off? It wouldn't be strange if…" Liv quiet down as she caught Amanda shaking her head slightly.  
"I'm fine," Amanda said not so convincingly.  
"You're _not_ Amanda," Liv said seriously, "Do you remember how you ended up here last night?"

Amanda stirred a little on her chair, obviously bothered by the question. She pulled a little at her top.

"_Eli_ brought you over here," Liv said and waited until Amanda's nervous eyes glanced up slightly.  
"You were at that cop bar in Brooklyn," Liv said still not sure how much Amanda remembered.  
"Do you remember what you were doing as he walked in?"  
"Amanda?" Liv had to urge as Amanda seemed reluctant to answer.  
"I was just… blowing off steam," Amanda mumbled.  
"I want to trust you Amanda," Liv said but the pause she took before she continued was telling, "That's not a good way for anyone to blow off steam but particularly not for _you_. It's not a good place for you to be in and you have to be aware of that…"

Amanda had turned her head back down and Liv felt like reaching out to shake her. She needed Amanda to talk to her but she wasn't sure how to make that happen.

"Amanda please talk to me," Liv said leaning over the counter slightly. It hurt to see Amanda shy backwards.

"I get that what Lucas put you through… _frazzled_ you. It would disturb anyone to have to go through something like that but with your past… I understand that you are going through something right now but it worries me Amanda, to see you… Visiting Anton's club, and even if I'm sure he deserved it you can't go off on a suspect like that. And adding what happened last night…"

Liv took a deep breath studying Amanda who still refused to look at her.

"Amanda…" Liv begged, "Please tell me what's going on…"

Amanda had been sitting mostly still but now she stirred again. Her eyes never came all the way up to meet Liv's but at least she made attempts though which Liv took as a positive sign. She was hopeful when Amanda seemed to clear her throat to say something.

"I… I really need the bathroom," Amanda said quietly. She didn't move though. Seemed to wait for permission.  
"It's down the hall right…" Amanda whispered. When Liv didn't answer she was forced to look up but she kept hiding a little behind her bangs.

"Yeah it's down the hall," Liv sighed, her disappointment evident in her entire being. Amanda slid off her chair slowly. She really did need the bathroom but it wasn't such an emergency, she just couldn't take hearing Liv's disappointment in her even though she deserved it. She stopped by the room she'd slept in to bring the bucket with her. She just couldn't leave that mess for her boss to handle as well.

Liv stuck her fork in her food, contemplating to have some more but she'd lost her appetite. She looked at Amanda's plate, it was barely touched. She thought about heating it though, she wouldn't give up that easily. While waiting for Amanda to get back she took care of the dishes. She had time to check her phone and reply to a text Eli had sent a little earlier. He was just checking in and to let her know he was there if she needed him. She really didn't know what she'd done to deserve him but just by sending her that text he'd given her the strenght to go in for round two. Amanda had been gone for more than twenty minutes and Liv walked down the hall to make sure she was okay. She heard nothing from inside and finally knocked softly.

"Amanda, are you okay?" Liv's voice came through the door. The knock had startled Amanda and she'd almost knocked a soap dispenser off the sink. She'd held on to the sink for several minutes now, not wanting to go back out to face the mess she'd caused.

"Yeah," she managed to answer somehow.  
"Can you open up?" Liv asked. Amanda shot a quick look at herself in the mirror but wished she hadn't, it did nothing to get her confidence up, she looked like hell.  
"Please," Liv begged through the door. Amanda knew there was no way out of this and she hurried to open the door before she just rolled up into a ball on the floor.

"Look I'm sorry," Amanda hurried to say once the door wasn't between them any longer, "You have every right to be disappointed in me, I failed you… and Fin. I'm so sorry. I know you could, probably _should_ fire me…"

Amanda had to chip for air and Liv took a chance to cut in by placing a soft hand on Amanda's arm.

"Hey, just take a deep breath," Liv begged and took it with Amanda to help her out. Liv shot her a smile.  
"Amanda I'm not going to fire you for going through a rough time," Liv said, "but I'm not going to just sit by and watch you struggle either. There's no reason for you to deal with this on your own, that's why you have me and why you have your team, _your squad_. I offered you my hand years ago and it's still there for you to grab whenever you need it. I'm your boss but I'm also your friend Amanda, don't ever forget that."

Liv squeezed her arm a little, then rubbed her hand a little up and down before she removed it. She knew she had already overstayed her welcome there and didn't want to make Amanda feel even more uncomfortable than she was already feeling.

Amanda felt overwhelmed with the compassion Liv again showed her. Even though a voice inside her head still told her to keep her guard up a part of her did trust Liv. That part of her just wanted to throw herself in her arms and cry but she settled with trying a smile at her boss. It wasn't at all sufficient enough to repay her kindness but Liv at least seemed pleased with that small gesture.

"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have… I mean I had too much to drink, I don't… remember what happened and I'm sorry I… _landed_ here," Amanda wasn't really sure what to say but she felt utterly embarrassed about yesterday.

"_That_ I'm not sorry about," Liv said quickly, "I mean you can always _land_ here Amanda, you can always _come_ here. My door is open. Day or night."  
"Thanks," Amanda mumbled trying to swallow down some of the embarrassment.  
"And… Eli carried you up here last night in case you don't remember that part," Liv let her know, "You don't have to worry about him though. He's just worried about you, he cares for you too. You got sick so I had to change your top. I didn't want to leave you last night but I ran down with it this morning so it should be done in an hour or so. Will need to dry though but it will give us some time to finish breakfast, maybe talk some... Feel free to keep the tee though, it's an old one."

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled again pulling at it a little.  
"You're more than welcome," Liv said honestly.  
"So you want to try some more food? I know from experience it will make you feel better even if it doesn't feel like it right now," Liv said. Amanda gave her a brief nod.  
"Okay, well I'm just going to use the bathroom but I'll be right there. Just heat your plate in the microwave if you feel like it okay?" Liv said as she swopped places with Amanda.

Again Amanda gave her a brief nod before she headed down the hallway. Liv followed her with her eyes as long as she could before closing the door behind her. She spotted the bucket she'd left by Amanda's bed tilted upside down by her shower and with the slight scent of her freshener in there Liv figured what she'd cleaned up. She'd checked in on Amanda twice since she'd woken up and both times she'd seemed to be resting nicely but Liv remembered all too well the cascades her mother had produced once she'd woken up after a night, or a few days, of heavy drinking. The stench of puke was merged with her childhood.

She used the bathroom and then used the sink to wash her hands. Just as she turned off the water she thought she heard a sound out there and froze for a second to give it a listen. When she didn't hear anything though she went along and dried her hands before she headed back out. She took the turn in to her kitchen area but didn't spot Amanda by her plate.

"Amanda?" she called out walking around to check the living room. She didn't spot her there either and when she looked back over at the counter she spotted her notepad pulled out. She hurried back over to the counter.

"Thank you for everything. A" the note read and Liv put her fist down on the counter so the plates rattled. _Damn it_, she thought as she pulled a deep sigh. She could only hope that what little had been said between them was enough to make Amanda understand she didn't have to deal with this on her own. She hoped this was some roadblock that would change things back to the better but something in Liv's gut made her worry that wasn't the case.

Amanda felt sick again once she reached the curb outside Liv's apartment building. She'd taken the stairs way too quickly for her current state but she was afraid to slow down now and hurried down the road. She usually enjoyed the fresh air but today it felt sticky and intrusive and she waved down a cab as soon as she was able to. She hadn't even checked she still had her card and everything else in her jacket but could relax once she found it all in her pocket.

Once home she took a long shower, leaving her clothes in a pile in the corner of the bathroom. No matter how long she showered for nothing could make her feel better right now. _She'd made such a fool of herself yesterday. Eli had carried her up to Liv's. Oh the humiliation. She'd ruined her top and could only imagine throwing up over Liv as well. Maybe even Eli? Oh the grief_. She tried rubbing her skin raw, it usually worked but not today. She stepped out of the shower and immediately over to the toilet where she heaved a few times without anything coming out. The sick feeling stayed inside of her and her entire body ached.

**Fin stepped through the** door later that day. He was really happy to be home. Not that he didn't enjoy the time he'd spent with his son but they'd forced him down on the beach and he still found sand in the most uncomfortable places. He liked warm and cozy but the heat he could do without. There was a reason he liked the seasons of New York even though the grizzly winters wasn't so great either. Okay he was fussy but he thought he had the right with age.

He also liked his home. He loved his neighborhood and he liked the feeling of stepping inside his apartment. He knew a big part of that was that he shared his home with someone he loved. Hearing the TV as he stepped inside, knowing she was in there made his heart warm. He was in for a surprise though as she showed up almost immediately, wrapping her arms around him even before he was able to get his bag off his shoulder.

"Wow, you…" he started but got interrupted by her lips over his. He quickly lost himself in the sweet kiss, his bag rolling off his shoulder and hit the floor as his hands gently swept around her small frame. She pressed herself up against him, her arms locked around his neck.

She tasted coffee and Amanda, and he took all of her in with all his senses. She smelled fresh, he could feel a few strands of damp hair against his face and he let his big palms go up and down her back where he could feel her ribs through the oversized hoodie she was wearing.

She separated from his lips when she had to take a breath but she kept her hold around him and so did he around her.

"I should be gone more often," he smiled but her face dropped immediately.  
"Please don't," she whispered.  
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asked letting one hand go around her so he could touch her cheek. He noticed how pale she looked.

"Nothing, I just missed you," she hurried to say and tried to smile. She avoided his concerned eyes by hugging him and burying her face by his neck so she could take in the smell of him.

"I missed you too," he chuckled heartfelt as his arms went around her again. He chuckled a little louder as she managed to climb up on him and once her legs were around his hips he helped her out by grabbing on underneath her.

"Take me to the kitchen," she asked.  
"Kitchen?" he questioned and felt her nod against his neck. He might've wished she'd said the bedroom but right now he was fine with just having her near, he'd really missed her too. They'd seemed to miss each other calls for the entire time he'd been away and only communicated through voice mail and texts.

"Can I take my jacket off?" he asked but chuckled as he felt her shake her head.  
"Always so demanding," he teased as he walked inside with her.  
"Well someone's been a little homemaker," he whistled as he got in to the kitchen area.

He put her down on the counter but didn't let her go, neither did she him.

"I've made you chicken kebab, I just need to heat the bread," she said as they both looked at the pots and pans over by the stove.  
"If you're not that hungry, or maybe if you are then I've also made fudge truffle-pecan tart, it's in the freezer… what?" she stopped and asked once she caught the face he gave her.

"You've made a… _tart_?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"Yeah?" she answered with a crocked smile.  
"What happen to you while I was gone," he smiled as he placed a kiss on her lips but he felt the corners of her mouth drop and pulled away. He studied her closely but didn't get time to ask what was wrong.

"Can't I just cook for you?" she asked sounding a little offended but the smile on her face made him a little perplexed.

She pushed him off slightly so she could jump off the counter.

"So are you hungry or not?" she asked shooting him a smile over her shoulder.  
"Very," he smiled back at her.

She put the oven on and he kept watching her as he pulled his jacket off. She stirred some of the pots after she'd put the heat on. He walked up to her and leaned his back against the counter next to her so he could watch her.

"Is everything okay?" he asked seriously. He wasn't sure if she deliberately tried to avoid his gaze or if she really was busy stirring the pots.  
"Aha," she mumbled right before she put a piece of chicken to his mouth. He waited a second but then let her feed him the piece of meat.

"Taste okay?" she asked with a slight vulnerability to her tone. He nodded.  
"More than okay, it's really good," he said to give her proper feedback. She deserved it, it did taste really good and he knew how easily she got intimidated in the kitchen. It warmed his heart to see how much she appreciated the praise but she still seemed a little nervous.

"I really appreciate you going through all this trouble for me," he said.  
"It's no trouble," she said quietly with her eyes down one of the pots.  
"You kinda deserve it" she added just as quietly but glancing up at him.

He shot her one of those goofy smiles he mostly saved for her and he found the slight blush on her cheeks adorable.

"Do I have time for a quick shower?" he asked and she nodded.  
"Great," he said, leaned in to give her temple a kiss before he walked off.

He walked in to his bedroom and found his bed made just the way he'd left it. He didn't think much of it but just started tossing his clothes on the bed. He walked in to the bathroom and jumped in the shower immediately, he couldn't wait to dig in to that dinner she'd made him. Toweling up he spotted her clothes in the corner and started picking them up. He recognized her jeans but couldn't recall ever seeing the tee before. He just hung the items on the knob of the door though and walked back to his bedroom to throw some new clothes back on.

"I'm back," he announced as he walked back in to the kitchen area. His eyes were directed elsewhere so he missed the flinch as she hadn't heard him coming. She managed to spill some hot sauce on her hand and she hurried over to the sink where she put it under running, cold water.

"You okay?" he asked walking up behind her.  
"Yeah, just washing my hands," she hurried to say, "You hungry?"  
"Very," he said rubbing her back gently. He was hungry but right now he couldn't let her go with his eyes. He'd missed her very much.

"What?" she asked turning the water off even though the burn still stung.  
"Just glad to be home," he smiled.  
"Heat got to you that bad," she smiled back at him.  
"I so hope they won't move there," Fin said and managed to pull away from her.

He smiled hearing her light chuckle behind his back though. It ended abruptly and he shot a glance over his shoulder as he went to get some plates. She looked a bit tense as she headed back over to the stove but she could've just been focus he thought to himself as he placed two plates on the counter.

"I had some earlier," she said as she brought one of the pots over to him.

He did doubt her sincerity but the smile she shot him looked genuine and he sat down on the chair by the counter as she seemed to want to serve him. She got everything set for him and then asked what he wanted to drink. When there wasn't much else for her to do and he was digging in to his food she sat down on the chair next to him and watched him eat. He didn't really mind her looking at him but it seemed unusual. She had acted a little strange ever since he got home but in the back of his mind he hoped it was because she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her.

"Do you have some laundry?" she asked once she remembered he'd dropped his bag by the door.  
"Uh… no," he managed to grab a hold of her wrist before she'd gotten too far away from him.  
"It can wait, I rather have you here," he smiled with a mouth full of food. She smiled a little awkwardly as she sat down again.

"Can I get you some more?" she asked even though he hadn't finished his plate yet.  
"I'm fine for now, just relax," he said.  
"I am," she countered quickly, her voice fading, "…relaxed."

She pulled her hands in to her sleeves seeming a little bothered.

"So what have you been up to while I was gone?" he asked to ease the slight tension.  
"Nothing," she answered, again the answer came a bit too quickly.  
"I mean work kept me busy you know," she added like she realized her own mistake and she ended it with a smile that she didn't manage to hold on to for long. He watched her as he took another bite.

"Something new come in?" he asked curiously. She shook her head.  
"You must've had some free time…"  
"Not much. You sure I can't get you some more?" she said as she got up off her chair.  
"This was really good Manda but I'm full, maybe there's enough for lunch tomorrow?"  
"Yeah sure," she said starting to clean up the stove a little.  
"I do think I have some room left for that tart though…"  
"Okay," she said upbeat and hurried to the freezer.  
"It might need some time to defrost…" she said a bit apologetic.  
"That's fine," he said, "It can sit with us in front of the TV for a while maybe?"

She looked happy as she cut a piece of the dessert for him.

"Let me…" she said once she noticed him coming over with the dishes.  
"I got it," he said though blocking her with his body when she tried to grab what he was carrying. She seemed a little peeved but went back to fixing his dessert.

"You're not having any?" he asked while doing his dishes.  
"Who do you think had to lick the bowl when you weren't around," she said cockily and it made him chuckle.  
"Okay, okay," he mumbled and hurried up with the washing as that tart was making his mouth water.

They were soon planted in front of the TV, Amanda repeatedly apologizing for forgetting to DVR the shows they usually watched together. He had to tell her several times it was okay but she still seemed upset with herself. He really didn't mind but found it a little strange she hadn't seemed to been watching any TV while he was gone and it made him wonder what she'd been up to.

They found an older episode of Monsters and mysteries in America but not even the Tennessee wildman seemed to take the edge of her. He'd devour the tart almost immediately and she kept asking him if she could get him something. It was hard to say no to a second slice of that delicious dessert but he was completely full and he also wanted to keep her there. It wasn't hard for him to pick up that she was squirmy and what he wanted most was for her to relax.

"Well I'm glad I didn't know about those reptoid creatures before I went to the west coast," he said once the credits started to roll.  
"Huh?" she asked.  
"Hey what's up with you? You seem distracted, did something happen while I was gone?" he turned slightly towards her.  
"No," she said making a face to him, "what about those creatures?"  
"Never mind, talk to me Amanda. What's going on?"

He could tell she was about to get up off the couch so he grabbed her arm gently. She reacted harshly though, like it hurt her but she snapped out of it quickly and her face relaxed again.

"Nothing's going on," she said putting on a smile but he could tell it was fake.  
"I'm happy you're home," she said and snuggled up to him. He knew it was a way to get away from the subject but he didn't mind her arms around him and her face nuzzling in to his neck.

"I'm happy to be home too," he agreed, "and I'm not planning on going anywhere for a while now."  
"That's good," she whispered and squeezed herself even tighter to him.

He hadn't planned to let her off that easily but he got a little lost in having her that close and he was getting a little tired after the flight and a couple of intense days on the west coast. He would've been perfectly satisfied crashing there on the couch but it didn't take long until she asked him if she could get him anything.

"I'm perfectly fine with you in my arms," he mumbled with his eyes closed. He could feel her head shift and just the notion he'd be able to look in to those blue eyes of hers made him use the little energy he had left to pop his eyes back up. Her eyes were slightly hidden behind her eyelids but came up to meet his when she felt his eyes on her. He shot her a smile and she shot him a nervous one back.

"You want me to…" she started but didn't seem able to finish the sentence. He got what she hinted at though as her hand had been sliding downwards and then went running down his crotch. His eyes went down to her hand before they went back up to meet her somewhat insecure gaze.

"I could…" she started but again seemed unable to finish but instead rose up so her lips could nudge at his slightly. Her hand went up and down his member. Again his body told him one thing while his brain told him another. He feared this was just another one of her escape routes but his urges took over for a few moments and he let out a long moan as he succumb to the pleasure of her touch. Before he got too lost in his desire he grabbed a hold of her wrist slightly.

"I… need to get tested," he said cautiously, "I… was _with_ someone… last night."

He was afraid he would hurt her but he had to be honest. He hadn't planned on hooking up, hadn't even felt the need but she'd been all over him and finally he'd given in. He'd used protection, he wasn't that stupid but he still wanted to get tested to make sure he didn't expose her to something.

She swallowed hard but did her best to not let her disappointment show on her face. She really had no right to be upset. She had to get tested too as she didn't even know what she'd been up to lately. She didn't blame him for turning to someone else, she hadn't done her duty for years now. They had never been exclusive. Pre-Simon it was a mutual decision but after Simon it had gotten a whole lot more complicated. She'd felt as Fin wanted more out of her than she could give him…

"Amanda you okay?" he asked worryingly as he'd seen her eyes go vacant. She nodded.  
"I could just…," she suggested as she could feel he was still erect under her touch and she grabbed a hold of him.  
"You don't have…" He'd meant to say she didn't have to but his sentence got stuck in his throat as his body reacted to her touch. Not even being inside that woman last night felt as good as a single touch by her and for a moment he was unable to stop her.

"Amanda…" he managed to breath. He went for her wrist again but she saw it coming and swiped her knee over him guarding her own moving hand.  
"I can feel you like it," she breathed with her lips just by his, "let me…"  
"No, no, no…" he mumbled without being able to put much force behind the objection.  
"Yes, yes…" she said nudging at his lip again.

All she wanted was to be allowed to please him, she felt as she at least owed him that. He pulled a deep breath to try and sober himself up but with her proximity all it did was fill him with her scent. He wasn't sure if it was to stop her or to advance the situation but he grabbed a hold of her and flipped her over so he ended up slightly on top of her. He had apparently planned to kiss her but the gasp she drew and the way her body immediately tensed up made him pull back. She tried to compose herself but it was easier said than done and he had already seen the fear in her eyes. When he tried to roll back off her though she grabbed a hold of him.

"No, no, it's okay, please let's…" she said pulling him down on top of her again.  
"No Amanda," he said completely sobered up now.  
"I told you I need to get tested and…" he watched her seriously but decided to not tell her she wasn't ready, it was unnecessary to put that on her now.  
"I don't mind," she tried but he slowly shook his head.  
"But I want to…" she felt like crying. She had to please him, she just had to.  
"I'm really tired okay? And I would love for you to lie close to me tonight. I've missed that so much. Could you do that for me? Lie close to me tonight?"

She eagerly nodded.

"Okay, let's get ready for bed then," he said as he sat up at the same time as he pulled her up too. She looked a little embarrassed and he tried to ease that by touching her cheek.

"I'm going to have you making this entire meal again soon," he said as he stood up, "it was seriously some of the best I've ever had."

She let him help her up by grabbing a hold of his extended hand.

"Thanks," she mumbled still feeling very awkward. He moved them down the hallway. Her head was a complete jumble. _She wanted to tell him what she'd done. Not just this past weekend but before that too. How worried she was over Sierra but over herself as well. How she found herself doing things she didn't want to do. That she didn't think she wanted to do anyway but maybe she really did? Maybe this was who she was? She was only good for one thing. _

"Amanda?" Fin brought her back to present.  
"Huh?"  
"You want to brush your teeth or should we head straight to bed?" he repeated his previous question.

She shrugged though. He gave her a second look but then brought her straight in to the bedroom. He took off everything but his boxers before he slipped under the cover. She only took off her hoodie and told herself it was only because she felt cold but it could have something to do with the bruises that would need a day or two before they vanished.

He placed himself so that she could get nearby but he didn't want to force her if she'd changed her mind. He was pleased though as she scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his around her and rearranged himself so he could rest his head on top of hers.

"Will you tell me a story," he asked.

She knew what kind of story he was asking for. On rare occasions she told him tidbits from her past. She would never understand why he found them interesting, her past was nothing but sad. Although trying to keep the dreary parts in the past made her remember some moments that hadn't been so bad. Moments that had been filled with compassion and sometimes even love.

"Did I tell you my grandma had a piano?" she asked quietly. She felt him shake his head.  
"She didn't play it often, it was more like a grand piano and functioned more as a piece of furniture with picture frames all over it," she mumbled against his chest listening to his heartbeats at the same time. The beat calmed her.

"She said she didn't have time to play. She always had something that had to be done in the kitchen, the yard… I guess when she had time to spare she rather read us stories or take us out of the house somewhere. She rarely just enjoyed things for herself. And she said she wasn't good at it but that was a lie, she was magnificent," Amanda reminisced with a smile in her tone.

He rubbed her arm gently. He loved listening to things from her past that made her happy. He'd heard and read too many that would beat any child's soul down but Amanda had somehow made it through, and not only that, she had flourished in his eyes. If he could only get her to see it too.

"I loved listening to her play," Amanda continued, "I crept in under the piano, even when I was too old to. My sister…"

She went silent for a while and he worried that the memory had been too painful but he held his breath to give her time.

"Kim… she came in after me, she always followed me everywhere," Amanda whispered without any grudge in her tone, "But she couldn't stand it under there, said it got too loud inside her head and she used to push her hands over her ears but then she had to leave."

He smiled as he felt her body rumble with a silent chuckle.

"I loved it though…" she whispered once the laughter had subsided, "When she was done she peeked in under the cloth that always covered the piano. She laughed and called me a little nutter."

She went quiet as the image of her beloved grandma slowly vaporized in front of her eyes.

"Did she play classical?" Fin guessed.

Amanda was a little surprised he'd guessed right and nodded against his chest.

"Is that why you tear up whenever you hear classical music?"

She frowned slightly, wanted to shake it off. _She didn't tear up. She never teared up_.

"No I don't…" she whispered ignoring the tears that had built up in the corner of her eyes.  
"Of course you don't," he said placing a kiss on top of her head.

He knew she was lying but he wouldn't argue with her right now.

"Thanks for sharing that," he whispered instead.

It felt weird to say _you're welcome_ so she hugged him a little tighter instead. She appreciated him so much for everything he did for her. She had to stop this poor behavior. She knew it would devastate him if he knew.

**Amanda didn't even** know how she'd be able to face anyone the following morning, she had this feeling she'd embarrassed herself in front of all of them. Thankfully Liv was already in her office so she could just plant herself by her desk all while Fin was greeted by Nick and Keith who wanted to know everything about his weekend trip. She tried to ignore the side eyes she felt Nick and Keith shot her.

It didn't take long until Liv stepped out, also curious about Fin's little getaway but also shooting Amanda a few long looks. Liv would've liked to have gotten a chance to talk one on one with Amanda but they'd gotten a new case, which seemed really troublesome as well, so it would just have to wait until later. She had to send them all out almost immediately. Amanda tried to hide her excitement to be able to get out of what felt like really cramp quarters right now.

Amanda also felt relief that Liv was taking the victim as she wasn't sure she could do empathic detective right now. She much rather deal with the crime scene but had to second guess that thought once she actually got a look at it. The place was a mess, completely trashed as the victim had put up quite a fight and there was a lot of blood. There was a slight comfort that some of the blood was the perpetrator's.

CSU got to the site soon after the detectives arrived and they started going from door to door instead, trying to find any witnesses. They worked well past lunch but when Fin started snapping at everything and anything Amanda realized she had to take him for a bite before someone lost more than their head. Thankfully he was too hungry to give Nick and Keith a chance to tag along and she was saved from their praying eyes through lunch at least.

They got to stay out in the field following up traces as Nick and Keith went back to the station to work from there. Amanda was fine with staying out, she found it was easier to keep the mind occupied while staying on her feet. Last thing she wanted right now was dwelling on what a disgrace she was and whatever her colleagues were thinking of her. She really had to stop being so self-centered, hopefully they had other things than her to worry about.

"Detective Rollins."

Amanda had just stepped out from the initial crime scene, they'd been called back to talk to a family member. Fin had stayed behind as Amanda stepped out to make a call to the station to get either Nick or Keith to check up on something the family member had mentioned. She was a little indecisive on which one of them to call, her finger lingering over their names when the male voice made her spin around.

"Lieutenant Tucker?" she said surprised taking a step further down on the stairs. She stopped there though as she sensed danger. _What was he doing there? Whom was he looking for? Tucker never came with good news. _

"You got a minute?" he asked. She wasn't sure what frighten her the most, the fact he seemed to be there looking for her or the grin on his face. She slowly descended down the last few steps trying to not show how nervous he made her. Not that he seemed to care though, he'd turned his attention out towards the street, looking at something to her unknown. She had always hated his smugness, that casual façade just before he went for your jugular.

"Tough case?" he asked without looking at her.

She really wished he could just get to the point.

"At SVU they all are," she answered quickly.

Tucker gave her a quick glance and nodded as he looked away again.

"You got a suspect yet?" he asked.  
"No. Look I really have to make a call to the station…" she said as she wasn't up for whatever game he was playing.

She tried to not back down from the glare he gave her as he turned his head to face her again.

"I heard I missed quite a show at O'Malleys Saturday," he said.

It felt as a wall hit her. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. All she could do was watch Tucker's eyes slowly descending down her body and it made her feel like something underneath a shoe. He seemed to catch himself though, cleared his throat as he looked away wiping his mouth with his wrinkly, over-tanned hand. She had time to think it was probably a good thing she couldn't move as she might have punched him then.

"Seems you can't quit trying to ruin your career," Tucker said with his eyes still deflected. She swallowed hard. _He wasn't wrong and she knew he had the power to end her career if he wanted to. She'd given him that power. Liv had warned her. She'd known this could happen but she'd kept pushing the limits. Stupid. _

"Looks as it can come in handy though," he said looking at her again. She wasn't following and just kept staring at him.  
"Would you be interested to do some UC work for me detective Rollins?"

She still wasn't following and swallowed hard while shooting him a puzzled look.

"I need a… _troubled_ officer that might be interested in some street vengeance. Sounds like someone we know right?"

She gritted her teeth but tried to not let the contempt she felt for him show too much.

"What do you say detective? Feel like redeeming your reputation a little in the eyes of IAB? Trust me… you could need it," he said raising his eyebrows at her.  
"What would I have to do?" she asked but regretted biting so quickly as she saw his smug grin spread across his face.  
"Just what you've been doing. My subject was in the bar during your… display. From what I got reported he seemed interested in you. Not in the way you seemed to aim for but… in a way that could come in handy for me. We'd put you in his path, see if he might approach you… take it from there."

"I dunno…" she said getting strong feelings she shouldn't get in cahoots with Tucker. Every other sentence coming out of his mouth was an insult but he didn't even seem ashamed of that. She really didn't want anything to do with him.

"I'm not sure you have much of a choice detective," Tucker said piercing his eyes in her, "With the stunts you've been pulling lately… Your sergeant can't…"  
"Benson?" Amanda breathed.  
"Yeah Benson," Tucker said moving his feet so he was standing right in front of her, "Surely you must know she's not happy with your performance lately? It would really benefit you to work with us here."

It stung to hear Liv was disappointed in her but she wasn't surprised.

"Rollins?" Fin suddenly stepped out up on the ledge above them.  
"Tucker?" he said surprised looking between the two.

"So I'll be in touch?" Tucker said quietly to Amanda. She gave him a quick nod.  
"And you can't talk to anyone about this, I mean anyone," Tucker said glancing Fin's way.  
"Got it?" he asked and she nodded again.  
"Detectives," Tucker said putting a grin on his face as he stepped away just as Fin came down on the street.

"What did he want?" Fin asked with a frown.  
"Nothing," Amanda mumbled dragging her hand through her hair.  
"Tucker always wants something," Fin said doubtfully. He gave her a concerned look.

"It's nothing, he just wants me to know he's keeping an eye on me," Amanda sighed.  
"Because of Cullen?" Fin asked raising an eyebrow.  
"Yeah," Amanda nodded.  
"I beat him up too, why didn't he approach me as well?" Fin questioned.  
"I guess because you didn't go rouge and prostitute yourself," Amanda said piercing her eyes in him, "Are we done here?"

She'd made him a little stunned and all he could do was nod.

"Okay, let's get out of here then," she said and turned on her heal.

**The next morning Liv** was enjoying having the squad room mostly to herself. Only the stray uniforms walked around outside her office and she'd just plunged herself in to the top file when there was a sharp knock on her door. Looking up her relaxed mood changed quickly as she spotted lieutenant Tucker outside her door. He didn't wait for her to wave him inside but just stepped through the door and she immediately felt annoyed.

"Lovely morning right sergeant Benson?" he smirked as he'd caught her face turning downwards the moment she spotted him.  
"Yeah yeah, what do you want Tucker?" she just moaned putting her file down. Tucker chuckled slightly but quiet down with a blink of an eye.

"I'm going to use one of your detectives for an UC assignment," he informed her.  
"Oh?" she said leaning back in her chair with a raised eyebrow.  
"I know your boyfriend rescued your detective from making more of a spectacle of herself the other night…"

Liv's eyes darkened.

"I'm giving her a chance to redeem herself, she'll be able to say that display was just a part of the assignment."

Tucker seemed pleased with himself and leaned his hands casually against one of Liv's visitor's chairs.

"Well that is sweet of you Tucker," Liv said without doing anything to hide the sarcasm in her tone, "but I don't think it's a good idea to use detective Rollins for whatever assignment you had in mind."

Tucker stared her down for a few before he straighten up, diverting his eyes elsewhere as he cleared his throat.

"Well sergeant it's not really your call. Your detective already agreed to do it and I've cleared it with 1PP," Tucker said and seemed to gloat. It bothered Liv that Amanda had seemed to agree to whatever Tucker had in mind but then she remembered what kind of person Tucker was and what methods he stooped to.

"I beg to differ, she's _my_ detective and I'll _unclear_ it with 1PP if I have to," Liv said glaring at him. She could tell on Tucker's face he wasn't pleased with her insubordination but frankly that only made her feel more powerful and when she challenged him with a single raised eyebrow he huffed and stormed out of her office like a reprimanded little schoolboy. Liv couldn't help but chuckle to herself once Tucker was out of sight. He had no pokerface at all. She couldn't really get focused back on her work though. She knew Tucker was stubborn and in the back of her mind she worried he'd manage to tie Amanda to this UC assignment after all.

**Amanda hadn't been** able to get the encounter with Tucker out of her mind since yesterday. _Liv was disappointed in her. Every cop knew what a disgrace she was, flaunting herself in front of a whole bunch of them. She was a whore._ Fin had caught her dwelling a few times last night but she'd been able to blame it on fatigue. He knew she hadn't slept much last night on count of nightmares. The first one had woken them both up. She had retreated to her bedroom when he'd fallen back to sleep but then another nightmare had haunted her once in her own bed so she'd been dressed, ready and planted in front of the TV when he finally woke up.

This past night hadn't been that much better. Tucker, Liv and Simon had all visited her sleep, all calm and collected but telling her what a disgrace she was. _Wicked. Immoral. Sinful. Whore_. She'd woken up sweaty and out of breath, and convinced there was no redemption for her. Fin had again noticed how drained she looked and asked if everything was okay. She blamed not being able to stop thinking about the gruesome current case they were working and he seemed to buy it.

And she really should be thinking about the current case. It was to say the least gruesome and they probably had a serial rapist and potential killer on their hands. The victim was slowly recuperating at the hospital. She was a scatterbrain though and she just waited for someone to pick up on it. Liv was already throwing her side glances and she didn't even want to think about what kind of glances Keith was throwing her, she figured she deserved them though after her attempt on him in the locker-room.

They were all gathered around the briefing table but both Nick and Fin had to stray to get some papers from their respectively desks. Keith took the opportunity to refill his coffee mug so that left Liv and Amanda alone for a few moments.

"Tucker talked to you about that UC assignment right?" Liv asked cautiously. She hadn't been able to get Tucker out of her mind since this morning.

"Aha," Amanda nodded quickly, not wanting to slack even more in front of her commander.  
"And you're fine with it?" Liv asked.

She still felt as though she would've wanted Amanda to check with her first before she agreed to anything. Even though Amanda had bailed Sunday morning Liv couldn't help but feel they'd made some progress in their trust in each other.

"Yeah sure," Amanda hurried to say, "Whatever you want me to do…"

Liv observed her for what to Amanda felt like the longest moment. Liv spotted both Nick and Keith coming back over though and knew she was running out of time.

"I'm not sure it's such a good idea," Liv said frankly.  
"Oh?" Amanda whispered, her heart feeling heavy because of the doubt she feared Liv had for her.  
"With everything going on, I'm just not sure it's a good idea at this point," Liv tried to explain but felt a bit rushed. _She's lost all faith in me. _

Liv only had time to shoot Amanda a quick smile before Nick started speaking, presenting what little they had on the perpetrator. Amanda had an even harder time concentrating now. She couldn't do anything right.

When she got home she felt completely useless as she hadn't been productive at all at work. Fin could tell she was frustrated over something and suggested she went for a run knowing how that usually could wire her down some. As the thought of sitting inside dwelling wasn't that appealing either she thought she might as well and suited up for a jog. Fin offered to go with, either to the track or he could drop her off at some park and wait around. She much rather not have him catering to her though so she said she'd be fine on her own.

She was trying to find the playlist she usually used for running and wasn't really paying attention to the street once she got out.

"Hey, Amanda," a voice called for her attention before she could put her earplugs in.

She spotted the man climbing out of the passenger side of the car that was parked right outside her house.

"Anton?" she said a little startled as she looked around a little anxiously to see if anyone else was around.  
"Hey it's been a while," he said as he came right up to her leaning in to give her arm a squeeze and her cheek a kiss.

Over Anton's shoulder she spotted Andy sitting by the wheel in the car.

"Yeah," she breathed feeling nervous by his proximity.  
"You okay?" he asked as he caught her slight reservation. She nodded and tried to smile.

"Going for a run?" he asked looking down at her outfit and she felt very flustered as she nodded  
"What are you doing here?" she asked trying to get her emotions in check.  
"I was just in the neighborhood," he said casually flashing her another wide grin.  
"You were in the neighborhood?" she questioned doubtfully raising an eyebrow. He chuckled and she couldn't help but find it charming.

"Okay you got me, I came looking for you, hoping to catch you and… just my luck," he said and as he squeezed her arm again she realized he'd never removed it. She wondered how long he'd been sitting there and if he'd planned to come up. She didn't put it past him to be that bold even though her probably knew she was living with her partner.

"Too bad I'm not dressed for it or I would've joined you for a run, I love jogging in New York, especially at night," he said flashing his teeth as he smiled. She found herself not able to do much more than nod.

"And I guess you might feel uncomfortable grabbing a piece to eat in that outfit…" he left the invitation open though. She looked over to the car, met Andy's eyes briefly as he looked over at them. She knew it wasn't a good idea but she couldn't stop a plan from forming in her head.

"If you don't mind, I don't mind," she said with a smile. He lit up even more and gestured over to the car keeping his hand behind her arm. The hand move to her back as she started moving towards the car and he followed right by her side. He opened the back door and then ran around the car to slip in to the seat next to her.

"Hi," Amanda whispered to Andy while they were alone and he shot her a nod over his shoulder. Amanda went for the seatbelt as Anton gave Andy a location. Anton helped Amanda with her seatbelt but then ignored to put his own on.

"Just so you know, I don't have any money on me," Amanda felt a need to mention it. Anton shot her a smile and then looked her a little up and down.

"I'm sure we can find a way for you to repay me," he said but almost immediately winked at her, "What do you take me for? I'm a gentleman, of course I will pay. _And_ I was the one who invited you."

The pause had been just long enough for a chill to go through her body and she didn't miss the second take he gave her body or the hand that landed on her thigh as they took off. She figured she would have to play nice for her plan to work though and it wasn't like she'd let men do worse to her in the past so she could take a touch and some insinuations.

They stopped by a small bistro a few minutes away. Anton held the door open for her and then led her to a booth further in. The way he was greeted by the waiter made her believe Anton was a frequent guest here or at least had some business with the owner. She'd seen Andy walk in after them but he had a seat by the bar while Anton slid in across from her. It felt good to at least have a table between them but the relief was short-lived as she felt his legs stretching out right by hers.

The waiter was soon there serving them two glasses of red wine, another hint this wasn't the first time Anton was in there. Amanda took the menu from the waiter and shot him an awkward smile as she suddenly felt subconscious about the way she looked. Her hair was in a ponytail and she thought about just taking it down but it wouldn't do much to help her out so she tried to just put it out of her mind.

Anton did some small talking, throwing out some recommendations on the menu in between talking about his club. She was grateful he kept up the talking so she didn't have to but it felt weird listening to him talking about his business like he didn't care she was a cop. Not that he shared anything really illegal but it was clearly not a conversation he should be having with her. She thought it bothered her but then she found herself giggling slightly at some things he said. She remembered the killingly funny situation that happened behind the scenes at a strip club, and not always behind the curtain.

When their food was brought in she was actually feeling relaxed. Her glass had been refilled, as had his. She found herself enjoying her food but she knew she had something she had to ask him.

"Can I…" she started as she got an opportunity but she got nervous the moment he looked up at her.  
"What?" he smiled in that charming way of his.  
"I'm worried about a friend of mine," she said before she lost her courage.  
"Oh," he said taking another bite of his food.  
"She's… a stripper," she said and he looked a little more interested.  
"She used to work for your father…"

She watched for his reaction but he just kept taking another bite and then washed it down with some wine before he put his fork down. Then he used his napkin around his mouth before he finally looked at her. She couldn't read his face as he put his elbows on the table and fixed his eyes on her.

"Tell me about your friend," he said calmly though. Amanda reached for her glass first and took a sip of wine.  
"Her name is Sierra and I can't get in touch with her," she started.  
"Okay…" he said when she didn't continue.  
"I think she might have gotten herself in to some trouble," she let him know.  
"Do you know Lamar and a club named Onyx?" Amanda asked and gave him what little more she had on Lamar and his club.  
"I've heard of him yeah," Anton said looking serious, "Actually ran in to him not long ago…"  
"Do you know where his club is at now?" she asked hoping he wasn't just pulling her leg.

She didn't hold it as impossible that he was just stringing her along though.

"I can probably find out," Anton offered, "But I have to ask… what's your aim here? I can't help you if you're planning on shutting his place down."  
"I just want to find my friend, offer her a way out if she wants one," Amanda said as sincerely as she could.  
"So if you find her and she doesn't want… _a way out_, will you be able to just let it go then?" Anton gave her a suspicious eye.  
"I have to," Amanda said.

She'd put her fork down earlier and just focused on her glass of wine. When she looked back up he was still studying her. She made a face at him and his face broke out into a big grin.

"There's something about you Amanda…" he said picking up his glass, "you have me a little addicted and I got to tell you that rarely happens…"

Amanda wasn't sure how to take that compliment or if it even was one. She didn't blush, she just felt awkward.

"So I can't believe I'm contemplating helping out a cop," Anton snickered as he had some more wine, "I didn't think I would stake out her house either just for a chance to run in to her…"

Amanda smiled but didn't find it flattering at all if he had in fact staked out her house. _How did he know where she lived in the first place? And what else did he know about her. _

"So how come you're friends with a stripper?" he asked pulling her out of her thoughts.  
"No judgement," he added quickly, "I'm friends with plenty of them."

Amanda smiled but mostly to save herself some time as she tried to come up with what to say.

"I just met her a few years back and we really got along, I've been… a little absent and we lost touch. I'd like to just be in touch again."  
"She means a lot to you?" he guessed.  
"For a moment in time she did mean everything to me, and if she's gotten herself in some trouble it would be a way for me to pay her back."  
"But what if she's in a place she wants to be?"  
"Then I'll just have to accept that."  
"Something tells me you don't usually give up so easily," he said and it scared her a little that he could tell that about her.  
"If she tells me that's where she wants to be then I will accept that."  
"Okay," he said and picked up his glass only to find it empty. He waved the waiter over but Amanda shook her head when the waiter looked at her to see if she wanted a refill as well.

"Are you sure?" Anton asked but again Amanda shook her head.  
"Thanks Victor," Anton said once his glass was filled again.

Anton watched her as he took a sip.

"So I'll see what I can find out about Lamar's current business," he said once he put his glass down, "how do you prefer I get in contact with you? Maybe calling you would look suspicious on some police log or something?"  
"No you can call," she said.

As far as she knew her phone wasn't traced and she would prefer him calling from just showing up in front of her house like he had tonight.

"Perfect. And if I help you out maybe you'll let me take you out again?"

She gave him a shifty face just so she didn't have to promise anything.

"I promise to give you a better heads up next time, give you a chance to dress up a little if you feel like it. Not that you don't look fine in anything," he said with a wink.  
"Thank you," she said trying to play flattered, "speaking of my attire though, maybe I should at least run the few blocks back to my place…"  
"You sure? Doesn't another glass of wine sound better than exercise?" he smiled.  
"It does sound good but I think two is my limit for a week night anyways…"  
"Well I'll just make sure next time lands on a weekend then," he winked.  
"Thank you so much Anton, for the meal and for… helping me out," she said before she made an attempt to get out of the booth.  
"Well I'll do my best that I promise," Anton said, "Are you sure I can't have Andy drive us back?"  
"No, you've already done enough. Night…"  
"Good night Amanda, it was a pleasure," Anton said as she slid out of her seat.

She did feel a little woozy from the two glasses of wine but there was only a few blocks home and the wind on her face did her good. When she got home Fin was on the couch. He gave her a look and told her she'd been gone for quite some time but she brushed him off by saying she'd walked most of the way and then she hurried down to the bathroom for a shower. Immediately after the shower she snuck down between his sheets. She didn't want to face him, risk him smelling the wine on her breath but she was also very tired. She tried to shut out the many thoughts going around her head. _How would she have to repay Anton if he did find Lamar and Sierra? What would she actually do if she found Sierra? Would she have to tell her she was a cop? And if so would she be pissed and maybe use what she knew about her? Sierra had plenty of juicy details to share if she felt like it._

Fin made her head stop spinning when he walked in. He could tell she was awake but didn't question why she'd sneaked off to bed without saying goodnight. He did however ask her to scoot closer to him and she fell asleep with the beating of his heart right underneath her ear.

**Liv was happy Tucker** stayed away but she wouldn't feel completely safe from his toxicity until another few Tucker-free day passed. She wished she could get a chance to talk a little more with Amanda about it all but they had their hands full with this new case as well as two other that came in overnight.

Amanda had already forgotten about Tucker. Sierra, Lamar and Anton were all still in her head though and she had to really focus to be of any use at the station. Fin had caught on to her distraction, she could tell by the way he made sure to have her back when anyone else was around. She wished she didn't have to be such a constant burden to him.

The entire day was a struggle for her. They worked really late but at least solved one of the cases and got closer to solving the remaining two. Both Fin and Amanda were too tired to cook anything and bought take out that they brought home with them. Fin obviously saw that Amanda was mostly picking in her food.

"You want to tell me what's on your mind?" he finally asked.

She looked up, seeming a little shocked by his question but her shoulders dropped with a heavy sigh.

"I'm…" she started but quiet down as she realized she didn't want to lie. She looked at him for a while and it made him put his fork down. He got that something rather big was up.

"You know I've kept a bit of contact with Sierra right?" she said and when he had decided to not lie either he nodded.  
"Well it seems she might've gotten herself in to some trouble."  
"What kind of trouble?" he asked immediately.  
"She's…" Amanda wasn't sure what to say and shrugged, "I don't know but she's left Assets and apparently works for this… not so nice man."  
"Are we talking worse than Gordon?"  
"Sounds like it," she said quietly as she continued tracing the circle she'd drawn in her food.  
"So what are you planning on doing?" he asked knowing she probably weren't going to just leave it be that way.

She looked up at him contemplating just how upfront she could be. She knew how much he hated Gordon, and his offspring as he'd spitefully called him at the station a few weeks back. She didn't want him to think badly of her either so telling him that she'd seen Anton not once but twice in private was out of the question.

"I'm not sure I can do anything, she's cut all contact with the girls at the club. She's hooked bad from what I understand…" She gave him a look and she could tell he got what she meant.

"Is there something we can do in the line of duty?" he asked wanting to help her out as he knew that she was fond of Sierra. She gave him a long look. He didn't like to see her that sad.

"Seems this guy's club might be shut down and that she's just with him now. Maybe she wants to be with him so I dunno if there's anything really we can do," Amanda said and sighed as she put her fork down so she could place her head in her hands instead.

Fin just watched her for a while. He figured this was what had been bothering her since he got back.

"Look Manda," he finally said, "I know you care for her and if there's anything we can do within the law then I'd be more than happy to help you but if there's not…" he waited for her to look at him, "then you have to let it go. You can't go there for reasons I'm sure you are aware off."

"I know," she mumbled as she looked back down. Selfishly she kind of wished she hadn't started looking for Sierra. She had already caused herself enough trouble these past weeks and being in debt to Anton wouldn't help the situation any. She knew how stupid she was acting but she still couldn't stop herself.

**At lunch the following** day her phone rang. The number in the window showed unknown caller but that wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Rollins," she answered in her usual manner.  
"Amanda, it's Anton," he said and she immediately removed herself slightly from where she'd been standing next to Fin.

"Can you talk?" he asked almost like he had sensed her slight apprehension.  
"Yeah, for a bit yeah," she said quietly so the others wouldn't hear her.  
"Okay well I know where Lamar will be tonight. I've arranged an invite for you, and me," he said.

Amanda's head started to spin but she managed to throw an anxious look over at her squad. They'd just made an arrest in one of their cases and was waiting for a crime scene unit to get there to go through the suspects place as they'd found some trophies while going through it themselves.

"Amanda?" he asked once she didn't get back to him.  
"Yeah, okay," she said.  
"So you can come?"  
"Yeah," she said a bit unconvincing.  
"Can I pick you up at nine?"

Amanda thought it over quickly.

"How about we meet somewhere instead?" she asked fearing Fin would step outside with her. _And leaving at nine on a weekday when they had shift the next morning? She wasn't sure how to explain that either._

"Okay, outside the bistro we ate at the other night?"  
"Sure."  
"You want to meet earlier, catch something to eat before?" he suggested.

She thought it over but decided against it.

"I can't, not sure how long I have to work tonight so I better not make plans for earlier than nine," she lied.  
"Wow you cops work longer hours than I do," Anton said on the other line and Amanda could sense his grin.  
"At times yeah," she just said so she could end the call. Fin was throwing her glances over his shoulder.  
"So at nine then," Anton said, "and wear something revealing, Lamar likes skin. And legs."

Amanda felt a little offended but of course didn't say it. The fact was Anton didn't know Lamar's preferences, that had been his own likings he had forwarded.

"Who was that?" Fin asked once she'd hung up and joined them again. Liv and Nick took off up the stairs again.  
"I forgot to tell you, my childhood friend from back home is in town this week, she called while you were away. I forgot we'd made plans for tonight."  
"Well that sounds nice," Fin said feeling a little calmer, "Is it that… Clara?"  
"Claire, yeah. Something with work but she has tonight off so we arranged to have something to eat and drink. Hope you don't mind?"  
"Why would I mind? That sounds like fun Amanda," Fin said.

Amanda tried to not look ashamed even though that's what she felt for lying to him.

"Fin, Rollins," Liv called from the top of the stairs and Amanda felt relieved to get back to work so she didn't have to think about tonight.

**A few hours later she** was heading home with Fin. Or so she thought. Her mind was occupied with what would happen tonight as she didn't pay attention to where he was driving. She was a little disoriented when he parked and it wasn't outside their house.

"You hadn't forgotten had you?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"Doctor Olivet, your appointment," he said when she still looked confused.  
"Oh," she mumbled looking up at the building that now was familiar to her.

The thought of seeing Olivet now though only added to her already sky-high anxiety.

"Maybe I should just skip it though, I'll be late to dinner with Claire and…" Amanda tried but Fin had already started shaking his head.

Amanda swallowed most of the grunt as she reached for the door.

"I'll pick you up in 60," he called after her.

_Great, like a big baby_, Amanda thought to herself as she straighten her jacket and gave the old man that walked by her a glare. He'd glared at her so he'd deserved it. She thought about ditching Olivet but with Fin waiting around it would be hard to pull everything off. And she couldn't mess things up now, not when a… _date_ with Anton awaited.

She really didn't want to be there though and she found herself incapable of sitting down on the couch in doctor Olivet's waiting room. Instead she started pacing the small space. Those times she'd been here with a few minutes to spare she'd always listen for the door closing on the other side. She fantasized about Olivet's other patients as she waited for the doctor to open the door for her. For Olivet's sake she hoped they were a little more straightforward cases. Patients who could own up to their mistakes and could accept the help the good doctor was giving them. Patients unlike herself.

One time she pictured a business man who couldn't stop wearing woman's lingerie underneath his suit. Perhaps not really a problem but maybe his wife thought so merely because it was her lingerie he was using. She'd smiled at the argument she pictured between husband and wife. All those soft gifts he'd bought her for Valentine's Day was merely a gift for himself.

Other times she pictured a clown with a depression, a veterinary who'd become allergic to fur or a chef who was at risk of losing his hands to a mysterious decease he'd contracted eating e coli infested meat. The irony of her imaginary patients made her able to smile even though it contradicted her own status. A SVU detective who had made herself a voluntary victim of sexual abuse.

But today Amanda didn't think about those made-up patients. And she didn't catch the door closing on the previous patient which made Olivet able to bust her pacing the waiting room. Amanda was startled by the doctor but the annoyed feeling lingered and made her frown at Olivet.

"Amanda," Olivet greeted her a little startled herself. Amanda could be hostile but she rarely walked in with that attitude, it was commonly something Olivet pushed. She couldn't remember a time Amanda had greeted her with a frown. The shy glance yes, or the inability to even glance her way but just mumble a 'hi'. This was new and Amanda more or less stomped by her.

"Is something the matter?" Olivet had to ask as she closed the door behind them.  
"I don't want to be here," Amanda grunted.  
"Okay," Olivet said a little hesitant as she observed Amanda who had remained standing by the couch.

"Let's just have a seat first," Olivet said to get a chance to gather herself as she went over to fetch the notebook she used for Amanda's sessions. There had been plenty of times when it had been obvious Amanda didn't want to be in Olivet's office but she'd never expressed it this sincerely. Olivet would wait to call it progress though, she wanted to see where this would lead first.

Walking back to the seating area Olivet could tell Amanda had trouble sitting still. She was stirring slightly, like she couldn't find a comfortable position to sit in. And she was fiddling with her hands.

"So you said you didn't want to be here," Olivet started once she was seated, "is there a specific reason to why you don't want to be here today?"  
"I just don't want to be here, there doesn't have to be a reason to everything every damn time," Amanda said still with an unfriendly tone.  
"No it doesn't but to my experience you can usually find at least bits that can explain the aversion," Olivet said with a calm voice.

Amanda hated it. _She hated her voice like that, it reminded of Olivia's when she talked to victims. And she hated Olivet always having some explanation or logic to everything. Nothing about her life was logical. There were no explanation that would make her feel any better for sleeping with strangers or disappointing everyone around her constantly._

"It's not an _aversion_, I'm just pissed," Amanda grunted.  
"Okay, why are you _pissed_," Olivet asked.  
"Cause I have to sit here and explain why I'm pissed," Amanda fired right back.

Olivet scribbled something on her notepad that made Amanda feel even more furious. Great now Olivet would have it in her notes what an obstinate and troublesome patient she was, although it was probably not the first time she wrote that down.

"What would you rather be doing then?" Olivet tried.

_Dig for coal, unclog a toilet, basically anything rather than being here_, Amanda thought to herself but she still have some decency left in her and knew Olivet didn't deserve all that crap.

"I just… I rather be getting ready for tonight," Amanda said.

She said it quietly hoping to downplay the fact tonight's meeting was what troubled her mostly. Of course Olivet wouldn't leave it alone though.

"What's going to happen tonight?"  
"I'm just… hoping to meet up with an old friend," Amanda mumbled slightly.

She felt a need to mention it but hoped Olivet wouldn't get too much in to it as it would risk her putting two and two together.

"Old friend as in someone who you've known for a long time?"

Amanda just shrugged. _It felt as though she'd known Sierra for a long time even though they'd actually only been close friends for a month or two. In her head though she had some trouble separating Sierra from her old schoolmate from back home, Claire. It was as though Sierra reminded her of Claire. Well minus the false eyelashes and revealing costumes. The thought of Claire in something like that made Amanda smile. And the language of course. Amanda couldn't remember ever hearing Claire curse once, and she flinched at times when Amanda did._

"You like this friend I take it," Olivet said interrupting her thoughts.  
"Well do'h she wouldn't be my friend if I didn't," Amanda said but without the hostile tone.  
"Tell me about her," Olivet asked.  
"No, I don't' want to do that," Amanda answered quickly.  
"Why not?" Olivet questioned.  
"Cause… I just don't want to," Amanda knew she was acting childish but she had sort of already ruined the acting as an adult today. As usual though Olivet didn't seem to mind that Amanda didn't want to answer one of her questions but she wouldn't budge just yet.

"You feel like you can be yourself with this person?" Olivet asked.  
"Who else would I be?" Amanda said with a smirk but again she knew how childish it was especially as they had often discussed how Amanda felt as though she had to put on a happy face.

"But you like to be around this person?"  
"Yeah," Amanda said frowning slightly as she didn't get where Olivet was going with that question.  
"You don't see her that often?"  
"…no," Amanda said hesitant.  
"Why not?"  
"It's complicated."  
"Would you like to see her more often?"

Amanda let out a disgruntled noise as she stood up. Olivet had time to fear Amanda was running out the door but no, she ended up by the window again. Olivet studied her for a while. She'd crossed her arms around herself. She shifted slightly from foot to foot.

"Are you nervous about meeting your friend Amanda?" Olivet asked.  
"No," Amanda answered sounding slightly offended.  
"Then why is this meeting making you so tense?"

Amanda frowned but she bit her tongue to not play in to whatever Olivet was setting up. _Meeting Sierra didn't make her tense. Meeting Lamar did. And meeting Anton did. And everything that could go wrong all while she'd lied to Fin. That's what was making her tense._ Amanda sighed. _Once again Olivet had pegged her and made her come to her senses. Amanda didn't like that Olivet could figure her out but she did feel less tense now._ She glanced over her shoulder and caught Olivet's eyes.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said as she turned her eyes back outside to the New York skyline, "I shouldn't take it out on you…"  
"Thank you Amanda," Olivet said, "but you were honest about not wanting to be here right?"  
"I had just forgotten I had an appointment… I guess I just didn't feel prepared," Amanda admitted.

Olivet scribbled it down on her notepad. For someone who was used to jumping with every new twist and turn in a case Amanda was rather rigid in her personal life so Olivet didn't find it odd she'd reacted like that.

"And I am a little nervous I guess, to meet my friend I mean. I hope she shows," Amanda continued with the honest path.  
"There's a reason she shouldn't?"  
"Maybe, I don't want to get in to it though," Amanda said watching a bird flying through the air in the distance.  
"Fair enough, does she know what you've been through? Two years ago I mean," Olivet asked.

There was a silent pause and Olivet had time to think about her next question as she figured Amanda wouldn't answer, but she'd be wrong.

"She knows I was abducted… she knows some… dirty secrets about me…"  
"Dirty secrets?" Olivet questioned.

She found it a bit strange Amanda admitted it so openly, she usually kept secrets to herself and there was something so upbeat about the tone she used.

Amanda let out a chuckle that startled Olivet to the point she even flinched.

"And I know most of hers. To call them secrets would be wrong though, she'd tell them to anyone who wanted to listen, and even the ones who didn't want to listen. She wasn't ashamed. Not for any of it."

Amanda's amusement toned down a little as she continued.

"It's so refreshing. To be able to be outspoken. She listens without judgement. She never judges me. She never judges anyone, hell she's proud of the things I do. I can't wait to tell her about the grey man, she'll freak. She'll ask for details," she chuckled again.

"Who's the grey man Amanda?" Olivet asked but Amanda didn't seem to hear her.

"Sierra warned me about guys like that. Most girls find it hard to deal with that but not Sierra. Better not think about it too much but just go with it. That's what she always says. Don't think, just do. She makes it less stressful. She even makes it fun sometimes," there was a slight pause before she continued, "She's so darn talented. Like she does hair, make-up, nails. She has great fashion sense, you might not think so if you saw her on stage but Trina makes some of those decisions, you can't blame Sierra for that…"

"Amanda," Olivet tried again getting further out on her chair.  
"She could do whatever she puts her mind to but she seems happy where she is. And why shouldn't she be? It's nothing wrong with what she does. Or with what I do. I shouldn't be ashamed. Like who has the right to judge me? No, fuck that. If I…"

Olivet listen to her ramble on. Olivet thought about getting up out of her chair but she wasn't sure what reaction she'd get and that was unfamiliar to her. She usually was good at predicting a situation, it was what made her a good psychiatrist. She didn't recognize Amanda right now. Her tone was different, her southern drawl more prominent and it was something with her stance. This wasn't the Amanda she knew.

"Amanda?" she tried one more time but when she didn't get a reaction, "Shay?"

It made her patient stop mid-sentence, Olivet even thought she spotted a slight flinch. Amanda's eyes glanced her way over her shoulder but never got all the way.

"Amanda, can you come back and sit down for me please," Olivet asked.

Amanda took her time but finally sat down on the couch again. She kept her eyes down.

"What just happened Amanda?" Olivet asked.  
"What?" the word got partly swallowed as Amanda's throat was dried up. She had to swallow one more time.  
"Y-you wanted to know about my friend so I told you about her," Amanda said as she'd gotten a few seconds to gather her thoughts. Olivet studied her but looked down as she could tell she made Amanda feel uncomfortable. More uncomfortable than she was already feeling that was, Olivet had already seen many signs of that.

"So Sierra…" she said instead, "She's on a stage?"

Amanda nodded, still keeping her eyes down.

"And what does she do on stage?"  
"She's a performer," Amanda said silently.  
"I take it she's a stripper?" Olivet caught Amanda's frown.  
"Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that," Amanda said.  
"I didn't say that," Olivet answered calmly, "So you meet her when you went undercover?"

Amanda seemed unwilling to answer. Olivet tried another few approaches to find out just when or how she'd met this Sierra person. She finally got a slight nod as she asked if they'd meet around the time of her abduction.

"So you kept in contact with her?" Olivet asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Does she know you're a detective?"  
"I don't think so," Amanda answered quietly.  
"So she still thinks of you as Shay?"

Amanda shrugged.

"I guess," she mumbled.  
"Do _you_ think of yourself as Shay?"

For the first time Amanda's eyes came all the way up to meet Olivet's and there was annoyance in them.

"No," Amanda said sounding slightly irritated as Olivet still seemed to want a verbal answer.  
"Who is Shay Amanda?"

Amanda shook her head.

"What kind of question is that?"  
"Can you answer it?" Olivet asked without any judgement.  
"She's a UC persona I use at times as it's convenient," Amanda answered with a frown, "You know this already."  
"Why convenient?" Olivet asked.

Amanda made a face but then tried to think about it.

"I got the social security number, it's a legit person to anyone who would go through the trouble of looking her up," Amanda said with a shrug.  
"Okay. Perhaps convenient also cause you know her?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"You've played her quite a few times right. You've told me about the _stings_ you used to pull down in Atlanta. You've portrayed Shay quite a few times. But how did you come up with her?"

Amanda had a constant frown on her face now. She glanced back at the clock on the wall, she wanted this session to be over with.

"She came over time, it was just a name and then I had to evolve her to make her more believable."  
"Is she based on someone you know?" Olivet asked but Amanda shook her head.  
"Not even parts or aspects of her?"

Amanda shrugged.

"You feel comfortable being her though?" Olivet guessed.  
"No, she's a UC character, it's just a game, a play."  
"But just now it came across as you feel more carefree in the mind frame of Shay and maybe partly because of your friendship with Sierra?" Olivet suggested.  
"I haven't known Sierra for long," Amanda grunted.  
"But you've known Shay for quite some time," Olivet said as she tried to figure out where she wanted to go with this.

Usually she had a clear path in her mind but Amanda's previous behavior made her a little concerned. Amanda had said things in the past that made her curious about this Shay character she'd created.

"Sometimes it can feel liberating to, if even for a few moments, pretend to be someone else. Maybe Shay gives you an opportunity to… I don't know relax? Not think about the things you've been true?"  
"I work when I'm Shay, it's nothing relaxing about that," Amanda said quietly.

Olivet studied her though, she wasn't sure it was the truth.

"But you're able to act out when you're Shay right? She's supposed to be more outgoing than perhaps your regular persona is?"  
"I'm not schizo," Amanda blurted out looking straight at the doctor, "my sister acted schizo, I know what that is, that's not me."  
"I'm not saying that Amanda," Olivet explained calmly, "I'm suggesting you're in need of… channeling out some of that pain inside of you."

Amanda gave her an annoyed look. _Psychobabble again_.

"We've done some great progress during our sessions Amanda but I feel as though there are parts of your past I haven't… I guess perhaps pushed hard enough. The trauma you went through two years ago was without a doubt one of the grizzliest events I've ever heard of. And that you were able to get on with your life after that is astonishing and something really commendable. I know you don't like to hear it but you are a survivor, and one hell of a woman."

Amanda couldn't look at the doctor. _She even cursed? Amanda couldn't remember a time she'd ever heard the doctor use such a strong word._ She swallowed hard and tried to keep her emotions in check.

"But maybe because of this trauma I've gone a little easy on you at times. I know you wouldn't agree on that," Olivet said with slight amusement in her tone, "and I'm not by any means saying that you had it easier, we both know you haven't, but I haven't pushed on other issues even when tempted too. And now with the added trauma that happened recently I realize the timing might not be the best but I feel it necessary that we start addressing them because I got to say that what happened just now concerns me. I'm not saying that it was what happened but I can't have you slipping in to an alternate state because the reality is too hard for you to handle."

Olivet took a break, both cause she needed to breathe but also to give Amanda a chance to digest her words.

"If you're using Shay and rekindle your friendship with Sierra to escape reality, I can promise you it will only lead you down an even trickier path."  
"That's not what's happening," Amanda mumbled.  
"What's that Amanda?" Olivet said as she had trouble hearing her. Amanda repeated what she'd said.  
"Okay, can you tell me what's happening?"  
"I think Sierra needs help. I have to help her if she needs it," Amanda tried to explain even though she couldn't really grasp it herself.

_All she really had was that Lamar had a bad reputation and that Sierra had cut the ties with people she previously called her only family. But maybe getting away from Assets was a good thing? And really how much worse than Gordon could Lamar really be?_

"Amanda?" Olivet called for her attention and waited until she had it before she continued; "It's hard to help someone if you yourself need help."

When Amanda stepped out on the busy street outside doctor Olivet's practice the doctor's words were still swirling through her head. The doctor had spent the remaining part of their session trying to get Amanda to tell her why she thought Sierra was in trouble and how she'd planned to help her. Amanda had answered cryptically as any straight answers would mean having to get in to the iffy details as being in cahoots with Gordon's son and then the fact may come up that she felt oddly drawn to him.

When the doctor hadn't gotten the answers she wanted out of Amanda she'd moved on to asking about the grey man again. Amanda, realizing she had to give the doctor something, told her it was someone she'd slept with the other week. She had of course not mentioned his wife was present and a part of the love making or whatever that had been. Olivet didn't dig further though, she got stuck on the danger and the destructiveness of Amanda picking up strangers at bars.

Just as the time was running out she had asked if that was something Shay would do rather than Amanda but Amanda had avoided the question by mentioning the time. The doctor actually seemed rattled she'd missed keeping track of time and picked up the speed of her tongue as there was a few things she had to make sure Amanda took with her. One thing was to not feel discouraged if Sierra denied the help she offered her. Maybe it just wasn't the right time? Amanda didn't really pay attention to the other things the doctor belched out as Amanda got up off the couch and pulled herself closer to the other door.

The fresh air outside did her good but there were too many people around. She felt rushed but got relieved once she heard a familiar honk. Fin was parked further down, right by a fire hydrant. She could feel him watching her as she got in but she turned to strap herself in so she didn't have to look at him. He sensed she was tense from her session and he restrained from asking how it had gone.

"I used my badge, twice, I mean it is sorta police business," he said instead as he drove off the curb.

He tried to engage her in conversation a few times but she was clearly not in to it so he let her be. He hoped this wouldn't ruin her night out with her old friend Claire. She rarely went out on her own these days, it would really be a pity if it got spoiled.

Once they got home she quickly made her way in to the bathroom and he soon heard the shower get turned on. He wanted to make her feel better about her night out but he had no idea how to do that.

"You want me to drive you to wherever you're meeting her?" he shouted down the hall once he heard her leave the bathroom.  
"No I'm fine thanks," she shouted back and he heard her bedroom door close.

He had a hard time focusing on whatever it was he was trying to watch on TV. The leftovers he'd heated on a plate were long gone and even though there were more in the fridge he really didn't feel hungry. He could hear she was wearing heels as she finally came down the hallway.

"Wow," was his honest response as he caught sight of her.  
"Wow bad or wow good?" she had to ask already feeling self-conscious about what she was wearing.  
"Wow more than good, you're going to pick up with those legs," he said.

He hoped he wasn't to frank but maybe he felt a bit nervous with her showing that much leg. Men would show her attention and it didn't sit well with him.

"It's too short isn't it?" she said pulling at her short skirt.

Anton had asked for legs and skin, and as she preferred eyes were drawn downwards she'd gotten with the shortest of the few skirts she had in her wardrobe but it came with the unwelcomed bonus that she felt insecure. She'd put on a long-sleeved top that she planned to toss once she was out the door. Underneath she wore a blouse that covered her back and had long sleeves that went down over her hands but the plunging neckline, so deep she had to wear a bra that was suitable for display, compensated and made her look less dressed.

"You have great legs Manda, you should show them off," Fin said and tried to leave the jealousy where it belonged, down in his gut and not served at her.

Amanda tried to straighten herself up. Fin had a hard time letting his eyes stray from her toned legs that looked so gorgeous in those heels but they had competition from some adorable curls that framed her face. _She'd really made an effort _he had time to think. _She looked tense though. He didn't think a date with her old friend would make her this nervous. This Claire must mean a lot to her._

"So you think it'll be late?" he asked smiling at her. She shrugged.

"I dunno," she mumbled.  
"Well you can call however late it gets, I'll come pick you up," he offered.  
"No, you better get to bed. Best not both of us are tired in the morning," she said with a shy smile.  
"You can still call if you feel like it, I don't mind. I'll probably fall asleep on the couch like usual, it will just be a detour to bed," he said and winked at her.  
"Okay I better head out," she said.

It was still close to two hours until she was going to meet Anton but she'd told Fin she was meeting Claire for dinner. She wasn't sure where she'd go but she figured she would find a café or something, get some tea to calm her nerves a little.

"Have fun Manda," Fin said to her back as she turned for the door. His eyes went down her legs.  
"Put your eyes back in your sockets," she said back and it made him chuckle.  
"Make me," he challenged still chuckling.

The chuckle got even more heartfelt as he caught the sight of her middle finger getting up behind her back. He was still chuckling as he heard the door close behind her. Had he known about the 5 am call he would get from an ER across town he wouldn't have chuckled. Had he known about her lies and the trouble she was heading towards he wouldn't have let her leave. Had _she_ known what trouble she was getting herself in to she probably wouldn't have left either.


	12. Chapter 12: Alliance

This chapter comes with harsh language and some explicit scenes warning. Oops. We are exploring that rabbit hole.  
And thankfully I don't have any personal experience of bad trips caused by drugs so all that is based on research &amp; might consist of inaccuracies. Happy(?) reading! XO

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**Chapter 12: ****Alliance**

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"_There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds_." ― **Laurell K Hamilton**

* * *

Fin pushed through the doors to the emergency room in a haste. Obviously he had been this stressed out before but right now he felt as he was about to die. The call had come less than 30 minutes ago. A nurse at Forest Hills hospital had let him know they thought they had his partner in their ER. Still very disoriented but quickly coming to his senses as well as his feet he'd made his way down the hallway to check the bedrooms for her as he yelled at the nurse to explain what the hell she meant with "_thought_". Why the hell weren't you sure?

Just as he found her bedroom empty the nurse answered very calmly that the patient had come in without an ID a few hours ago so they had no way of knowing. He still was in disbelief it could be Amanda but when he found their bed empty as well he had to realize this wasn't just a sick joke. The nurse had explained a police officer thought he recognized her and that's how they'd finally been able to ID her.

Fin feared the worst when the nurse wouldn't tell him what had happened to her. She just told him to get down there.

"Please tell me she's not dying?" he asked without caring about how frail he sounded.  
"She's not going to die sir," the nurse said calmly, "just get yourself down here safely and a doctor will talk to you."

The ride down had not exactly been safe. All he cared about was getting to her as soon as possible, if he scratched a few cars on the way didn't bother him one bit_. Why wouldn't the nurse tell him anything? If a policeman had recognized her then at least her face couldn't be blown off. Why hadn't he taken Claire's number? Why did this keep happening to them? _

"My partner? Amanda Rollins? Where can I find her?" he asked the first person he saw.  
"The admittance desk is down there," the man wearing scrubs pushing a patient in a wheelchair told him and pointed him the right way.  
"Amanda Rollins?" he asked another nurse he ran upon but she just pointed him in the same direction as the male one.

When he found no one at the admittance desk he slapped his palm on the desk a few times in frustration.

"Hello? Can I get some help here?" he shouted as he looked up and down the corridor for anyone who could be of any service.  
"What kind of fucking hospital is this? Does anyone work here?" he shouted as he made his way around the desk. He wasn't going to wait around a single second.

"Sir, can I help you?" a young voice finally asked coming from behind his back.  
"About time," Fin said frustrated, "I got a call, my partner Amanda Rollins? She's supposed to be here."  
"Yes, I was here when she was admitted, let me get you a doctor…"  
"No," Fin said harshly making the nurse flinch, "I want you to bring me to her. _Now_."  
"I… I can't sir, she's not… I mean I have to get a doctor," the young nurse stammered.  
"No, I'm a cop okay," he said going for his badge, "you bring me to my partner now."

The nurse looked uncertain what to do.

"I'm sorry sir, I can't," she said looking a little scared to be the one to have to tell him.  
"Amanda?" Fin shouted straight out and started to make his way down the corridor.  
"Sir, please," the nurse said going after him.

Fin checked every door he passed.

"Please, sir, there are other patients," the nurse tried.  
"Just tell me where one patient is and we'll be fine," he said and then raised his voice again, "Amanda?"  
"Is everything okay?" another nurse stepped out of a room ahead of them and approached Fin.

"I want to see my partner Amanda Rollins, and I need to see her now," Fin said and plowed his way past the second nurse. The two nurses exchanged a few words too low for Fin to hear them but he could care less, he was still busting through doors to find Amanda.

"You will have to wait for a doctor sir," the second nurse told him as she had hurried after him.  
"You are disturbing patients sir."  
"Don't call me sir," he turned swiftly and got in her face, "I'm a NYPD detective and I demand you take me to my partner."  
"I can't do that _detective_," the nurse said calmly, "you will have to wait for the doctor to talk to you as you are not family."  
"Hell I am," Fin got even angrier, "I'm even listed as her emergency contact so I demand you take me to her."

The nurse just stared back at him so he turned and started shouting Amanda's name again. The nurse turned her head and was relieved to see the other nurse coming back down the hall escorted by two security guards. She wasn't paid enough to deal with this as well.

Fin had just reached a corner and spotted a uniform coming towards him.

"Is my partner down here?" he asked him and the uniform looked hesitant but nodded slightly as he gestured over his shoulder.  
"Where?" Fin shouted as he passed him.  
"In… there…" he said stuttering slightly and pointed to a door.

He'd been the one that identified her and he'd stayed put even though his shift had ended. He had studied the Mayhem case and hoped to work for sergeant Hetfield one day. Identifying one of Mayhem's victims, and the most famous of them, had made him feel very accomplished, perhaps the most accomplished he'd felt since graduating the police academy six months ago.

Fin pushed through the door that the young officer had pointed to. The first thing he registered was the sound. She sounded a bit like when she had one of her grizzly nightmares. At first he took it as a good sign to actually hear her but that changed the moment he saw her.

She was in a gown on her back on a bed. Or perhaps more so _off_ her back. She was strapped to the bed hands and feet, her body twisted and trying to get out of her restraints making her look like something out of the Exorcist. Her face was down somewhere by the head of the bed, hidden underneath damp tassels that swung through the air once in a while in her attempts to break free.

"What the hell," Fin mumbled.

For a moment he'd been paralyzed, taking in the grizzly sight of his partner in utter agony. When the spell broke he hurried to her side trying to dig her face out but she was making it hard twisting and turning even more violently.

"What the hell have you done to her?" Fin shouted trying to get his hands on her to somehow calm her down but it seemed to only make her more hysterical, making sounds that made it impossible for him to think straight. He could see and feel a wire underneath his hand that was taped to her skin right where the gown ended by her neck, it was hooked to a heart monitor that was ticking away rapidly.

"She's okay," the nurse tried to tell him.  
"Okay my ass, get her out of these things," he said going for one of the contraptions holding her wrist firmly to the bed.  
"No you can't do that sir," the nurse said, "she's a danger to herself as well as others."

She pulled at his wrists as he tried to figure out how to get his partner lose.

"You can't shackle her like this, _that_ will kill her," Fin said desperately getting horrible flashbacks of her back on that table.  
"She's tripping," the nurse shouted putting a hard hand to his chest to push him off.  
"She's having a bad trip," she said a little calmer as she finally got his attention.  
"It's not going to kill her," she continued, "we are waiting for the tox screens before we can sedate her. We need to know exactly what she's got in her system. We _are_ helping her."

Fin's hand went down Amanda's arm. She had scratches all over it, fresh red self-inflicted claw marks. His fingers ran over them down to the bend of her arm where he saw two puncture marks. He shook his head.

"No, she wouldn't," he mumbled.  
"I'm sorry, we wanted a doctor to tell you this," the nurse tried.

Fin took a few deep breaths trying to wrap his head around what was going on. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't though but he knew one thing, _this_ wasn't helping her.

"Okay now I know and I'm telling you, you need to take these off her, they are making her worse," Fin said.  
"We can't do that, as I told you she's a danger to herself," the nurse tried to explain just as calmly but her voice rose as Fin went for the restraints again.  
"No, sir," she said trying to pull him off.

She took a step back to let the security guards try to get him off instead.

"No," Fin shouted and pushed them away as they grabbed a hold of him.  
"She can't be in these, you don't get it," he shouted and felt a little relieved as he got a flap out from the heavy bracelet that was keeping his partner's arm in check.

"Detective, back off," one of the guards tried as he and his partner tried to get a grip on Fin's arms.  
"No," Fin shouted but with his focus on Amanda's restraints and not being able to fend them off at the same time they soon overpowered him and pulled him away from the bed.

Amanda had been somewhat calm once he'd tried getting her restraints off but now she started making unpleasant sounds again, going back to contorting her body in ways he'd never seen her able to before.

"You have to let her go," Fin shouted as the guards pulled him further away.  
"We will sedate her," the nurse tried but it was useless as his attention was all on Amanda.  
"It's bringing back painful memories, you have to let me take them off her," Fin shouted in desperation, "You can't do this to her."

**It didn't help that** she'd made Fin laugh, she felt just as guilty for lying to him the moment she'd closed the door behind her. Even though she could feel already that these heels would give her grief at some point she decided to walk to the bistro and find a place to sit for a while close to it. She thought about getting a drink, she really was in need of that liquid courage, but she was sane enough to go for a cup of tea instead. She added another cup as well as a sandwich to her next order and it went down swiftly and it filled her with, if not courage, at least energy. She played around with her phone for a while to kill time but the minutes ticked away way too slow.

She finally couldn't just sit around any longer and went in to the bathroom to peel off her top. She made sure her blouse was in order but it didn't matter how many times she rearranged the plunging neckline, she still felt like a whore. She made a face at herself before she ducked out, wrapping her jacket tightly around herself as she made her way through the restaurant. To add to the discomfort of wearing heels she walked around the block three times before she finally just planted herself to the side of the bistro. She'd seen the car that passed her twice and that now drove up by the curb. She thought she could hear the window get pulled down but she kept her head down. If she had her badge she might've given the john a scare just for fun but she was too nervous right now to pull a sham off. She felt a bit of relief as she heard the car drive off. She was early and had time to check the time several times before she finally spotted Anton's car. As usual Andy was behind the wheel and Anton jumped out to open the back door for her.

"You look absolutely gorgeous," Anton said eyeing her as she got closer.  
"Thank you," Amanda said a bit embarrassed as she brushed back a curl that got caught by the slight breeze.

This time Amanda figured she would wait for Andy to say hi but his eyes just shied away quickly from hers in the back mirror and she wasn't sure what emotion she'd seen in them.

It had been unease lingering in Andy's eyes. Anton had asked him earlier to make sure the crib was cleaned up and prepared. His boss was obviously planning of bringing this one back there later and nothing good ever happened in that crib. Not that Andy was worried about _her_ safety, no what worried him was that this one was a cop and he had a feeling this entire night could backspin on their asses.

"So you haven't changed your mind? About catching dinner first?" Anton said once he was seated by her side. Amanda shook her head.  
"I'm fine thank you," she answered as politely as possible as she didn't want to start the night off wrong.

"So can I ask you where we're going?" she asked after just a few blocks.  
"_You_ can ask me anything," Anton smiled as he placed a hand on her thigh. He placed it right by the hem of her skirt so when he rubbed her leg slightly he ended up touching skin. She felt him squeeze her leg a little and then he lingered there.

"It's sorta a private party," Anton told her, "I know Lamar will attend and I've asked for a sit down sometime during the night, I have… some business to talk to him about. For obvious reasons you can't be there for that," Anton shot her a mischievous smile, "but I'll make sure you get to see him at some point."

Amanda nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked and waited for her to give him a nod.  
"What's your plan? I mean I know Lamar usually surrounds himself with plenty of ladies but what if your friend isn't one of them? What's your plan then?"

Amanda looked out ahead as she thought about his question. _What was her plan really? She felt completely unprepared. Just like a little over two years ago she more or less just acted without a well figured out plan. No safety net at all. _

"Honestly… I don't really know," she said as she looked at him again, "I just need to know she's okay."  
"You do know what a risk you're taking right?" he said fixing his eyes on her, "that we are both taking."

She just stared at him.

"If he finds out you're a cop…" Anton shook his head slightly, "that would not be good for either of us."

Amanda swallowed. _She'd been afraid Anton would blow her cover but she realized what he was saying was true. Surely he wouldn't put his own reputation and business in jeopardy by letting anyone know he was escorted by a cop? Or was he bringing her there to serve her to Lamar? Was she in fact a lamb being led to slaughter?_

Anton was smiling at her now. When he smiled she could see his father in his features. Gordon rarely smiled but when he had he looked just like that. Teeth exposed, a part of the gum, those wrinkles by his eyes, eyebrows slightly curled. _Did Anton know she'd known his dad? Did he in fact know she brought his business down and probably was the reason why he'd been killed? _

"Hey don't worry," Anton said seeing the concern on her face.

His hand rubbed her thigh again and he scooted in even closer to her.

"If you're worried we don't have to go there, I could… maybe try and find your friend some other way, and we could just head to a nice dinner. I know a place not far from here… have a drink, just talk…"  
"No, please take me to the party," Amanda close to begged.

_She couldn't chicken out now. She had to know Sierra was okay, she just had to._ Anton looked a little disappointed and the last thing she wanted was to make him feel that way right now so she leaned in and put her lips on his. He was a little startled but he found himself quickly. Pushed himself on her, making her fall back against her seat again. She felt his hand move up her thigh but was a bit relieved when it jumped thigh and came up over her butt cheek instead of up between her legs. He was underneath the skirt, even underneath her panties but she had no problem with that part of her body.

And his tongue was a bigger problem. Invasive and almost manic as it roamed around her mouth. Something else he had in common with his dad she was able to think as he took his time in there. He slobbered all over her and she felt disgusted over having to swallow his saliva. Just as she started to wonder if this would never end he all of a sudden let her go.

Anton kept his eyes on her as he snickered and then wiped his mouth. She had to wipe hers too all while trying to smile at him just to keep the frown away.

"Hell yeah we're going to a party," Anton close to shrieked. Amanda met Andy's eyes in the back mirror briefly.

"Oh where's my manner," Anton said and caught her attention again, "this isn't a limousine but it does have hidden pleasures." Anton bent forward and pulled out a compartment that held a liquored cabinet.

"Can I offer the lady a drink?" he said with a little played gallantry. She nodded.

"Here you go," he said as he handed her one of the two glasses he'd filled. She gave him a smile but then waited for him to put the bottle back down so they could clink their glasses together before they had a taste.

Anton let out a pleasurable grunt as the liquid went down his pipe. Amanda did her best to not frown at the bitter taste but ended up having to take another sip just to wash the first taste down.

"Okay," Anton smiled and then followed her lead but ended up emptying his glass.

Anton refilled both their glasses as Amanda tried to get a sense of where they were going. She wasn't all that concerned about not keeping track outside the window, she had turned her gps on on her phone just in case. Anton put his arm around her shoulders as though he was entitled to do so after she'd kissed him. At least that was better than having his hand on her thigh so she wouldn't complain. It got obvious they had very little they could talk about and she was a little evasive as he tried to learn more about her private life. Thankfully it didn't take long until they arrived. Amanda wasn't sure where they were but it didn't look that fashionable. They'd parked out on a street next to what looked like a warehouse. She had time to worry that they hadn't taken her to a party at all as both men jumped out of the car. Anton came around to get her door as Andy seemed to linger behind a little. She had eyes on him so she knew he was following them.

"C'mon," Anton said as she dragged behind a bit and he caught her with an arm around her waist. It took them a couple of steps to get in rhythm but then their walk instantly became a little smoother. She caught his eyes several times as he looked slightly down on her. With her heels though he didn't have more than an inch on her.

It felt as though they were walking in to the middle of nowhere, no sound or people around anywhere. She finally caught sight of some people, a man accompanied by three ladies, coming from another direction and they headed in to this dark alley between two low buildings and it made Amanda less scared as Anton brought her down the same path. Just as they walked in to the alley she heard a bit of music up ahead but it disappeared as fast as it had arrived. There was a row of small temporary LED light on one side of the alley that led them further in until they finally got to a door that was traced with the same lights. Anton held Amanda back so Andy could get the door for them. She would've said thank you to him if it wasn't for the glare he gave her.

Once the door was open she heard that same music pumping as earlier, it wasn't loud though. I would only get loud once they passed another set of doors. Then it was like stepping in to a whole other universe. There had been two guards at the door and Amanda had watched Andy lean in to one of them to whisper something and not until then did they let them pass. She caught one of the guards eyeing her from top to toe but her attention got turned inwards as Anton brought her further inside.

They stepped in to a large room swimming in red light. A huge dance floor in the center with a DJ on an elevated stage with women dancing in cages to either side of him was what first caught her eye. Even though it was still early the dance floor was pumping. Anton handed Amanda a tall glass, she had missed the waitress with the welcome drinks standing right inside the doors.

"Whose party is this?" Amanda shouted a little over the music leaning in to Anton.  
"I dunno him," Anton shouted back but then leaned in closer to her ear, "I'm only here for you."

She caught the grin out of the corner of her eye as he kissed the side of her face. She felt like wiping her face again but settled on swallowing her discomfort down with whatever she'd been served.

Having had time to observe the room Amanda noticed that there were mostly ladies on the dance floor. Almost all of them really good looking and with clothes that barely covered certain body parts. The men seemed gathered either by the bar or by this seating area right by the bar. The seats around the dance floor look vacant though. Something felt off to her. The men were talking amongst themselves while throwing long looks out over the dance floor. She could divide the men in to two groups, the suits and the non-suits. The non-suits seemed to have their own dress code. They wore slacks with creases, a tight top with short sleeves and at least one gold chain around their necks. The men were mostly white, she'd guess eastern European just by looking at them. She threw Anton a glance wondering if he really had been telling the truth when he said he didn't know whose party this was.

"Give Andy your jacket," Anton said when he caught her looking at him.  
"He'll keep it safe," Anton reassured her when she looked a bit confused.

That wasn't what had troubled her, it just seemed wrong having Andy carrying her jacket for her like some servant. Anton was already peeling of his though and handed it to Andy. Amanda registered her date for the night belonged to the non-suits. He had three gold chains around his neck and a few around his wrist. She followed his suite, took her jacket off and handed it to a not so amused looking Andy.

She hurried up to make sure her blouse was in order and caught Anton throwing her appreciative looks.

"Let's get a proper drink," he said and again grabbed her around her waist.  
"I love what you're wearing by the way," he said a little in passing as he moved them towards the bar.

He reached out and rearranged the thin chain hanging down her front, making it fall down smoother between her breasts. His fingers brushed by her bare skin in the process. The slight touch didn't make her flustered as it had made her in his club before. _She wondered why the thrill was suddenly gone. Not that she missed it, it was a relief to not have to fight her urges along with her mind. Maybe it was knowing what a sloppy kisser he was? Maybe it was just realization he was a crook and a slime? Now she just had to fight through the disgust she felt for him. _

To try and not pay too much attention to the fact his hand was copping feels as he ordered them some drinks she had another look at the place from this new angle. She know who she was looking for but she couldn't see her anywhere. If she was still her old self Amanda knew she would find Sierra on the dance floor.

She got interrupted by his lips sneaking up on her neck. Her initial reaction had been to push him off her but she quickly realized who it was and that he was the reason she was even in here so she just smiled and took the drink he was holding out in front of her. Once Anton had his drink he stepped in right behind her, wrapped his free arm around her waist and walked them a few steps away from the bar. Again she found herself having to try and swallow the discomfort his proximity brought on, she used her drink to do so.

"Someone's thirsty tonight," Anton said near her ear and again took the opportunity to visit her neck. She finished what little was left in her glass as he made his way in underneath her hair. He had his hand with the glass in front of her now, holding her against him as his other hand had found its way further down and was coming up underneath her skirt. Amanda could disregard the touch, it didn't bug her as much as his lips, but she couldn't disregard the looks two suits a few yards away from them were giving her. They glared without any shame straight at her, one of them even leaning down slightly as though he would be able to look further up underneath her skirt if he did. She shot them a death glare but it only seemed to amuse them even more.

"Can I get another drink?" Amanda said just to get Anton to drop her skirt hoping it would get the men to stop staring.  
"Of course," Anton said.

Amanda caught him nodding at Andy who apparently had been standing a few yards to their other side. She watched him walk over to the bar. Amanda felt really bothered by the whole situation and spun around towards Anton instead just to change things up.

"I can't see her," she mumbled just so he would get where her minds was at and that she didn't turn to have a make out session.  
"Well I haven't seen Lamar around yet so she might not be here yet, just be patient," he said with a smile as he stroke a curl behind her ear.

Andy came up to them and handed her her drink. This time she said thanks and for a brief second he actually looked as he smiled but then he went right back to looking grumpy. Anton started saying something to her but when she looked up his attention had gone over her shoulder. When she followed his eyes she caught one of the suits from earlier right behind her. He was eyeing her closely. Too closely, almost intimately and a little startled she backed away from him bumping right in to Anton. She caught Anton shaking his head at the suit and then Andy came up and put a hand up as for the man to keep walking.

"What the hell was that?" Amanda breathed a little strained.  
"Don't worry about it," Anton smiled wrapping his arm around her shoulders, "I can't really blame him for trying to hit you up though, you're on fire tonight detective."

Amanda looked around a little bothered, fearing someone had overheard him.

"Oh you're adorable when you get stressed," Anton chuckled before he put his lips on her cheek.  
"C'mon let's go have a seat," he said cocking his head forwards.

They didn't have a problem finding a table close to the dance floor, still no one seemed interested in sitting down there. Andy sat down with them but kept his distance from them on the couch. Anton had wheeled her in closer to him, his hand resting down by her ass on the seat. She couldn't take her eyes of the young girls on the floor, some of them looked really young. She could also tell most of them looked wasted, eyes going crossways but they still managed to dance real pretty. Or perhaps sexy was a better description. There was something about the display on the dancefloor she couldn't put her finger on though. Something…

"Eager?" Anton suddenly asked.  
"To get up there?" he said once she didn't get what he was hinting at. She instinctively just shook her head slightly.  
"I've seen you dance," Anton said wiggling his eyebrows at her, "I know what you can do up there."

Amanda felt her cheeks blush slightly but she tried to pretend it was the heat radiating from the dance floor. _They could really use a better ventilation system in there._

"We should dance a little, maybe in…" Anton started but got interrupted when Andy called for his attention. Amanda just looked over as Andy cocked his head towards the door. Amanda let her eyes wander over towards the entrance but she couldn't really spot what they were both looking at.

"I'll be right back okay, just sit tight," Anton said and waited for her to give him a nod.

He'd put his glass down on the table but before he left he leaned in and their lips connected briefly. Andy left the jackets by her side and slid out as well. She tried to not make it too obvious she was curious where they were going. _She was hoping maybe Lamar had shown up but so far she'd only seen a very few colored men in there and she couldn't spot anyone of them over by the door. It was rather dark over there though._ When a group of four non-suits dissolved she finally caught eyes on Anton and Andy. Anton was leaned in to a man, talking almost intimately with him as they were sharing secrets. Andy meanwhile was directing a few ladies down towards the dancefloors. Amanda caught him touching their wrist before he sent them off but she couldn't make out what exactly he was doing. She got distracted though as the man Anton was talking to suddenly turned around and her breath got caught in her throat briefly.

Even though the man didn't look her way she turned her face away feeling like her heart was beating out of her chest. She glanced back carefully, making sure he still wasn't looking her way. She recognized the man. She was sure. It was Justin Oche. The man who had worked for Gordon, probably killed him but now worked with Gordon's son. She'd seen his rap sheet, back then and just recently in Liv's file. She knew what a crook he was. She never thought she'd met him but she just couldn't be sure. She knew Gordon had kept images of them in a book. She'd been his property and suddenly the walls felt like they were closing in on her. _What if Justin would tell Anton? What if someone else in here would recognize her? _

She got a bit distracted as a girl stumbled a little and had to brace herself against the table Amanda was at. The girl shot her a wide smile and Amanda managed to smile back.

"Sorry," the girl mumbled and just as she was about to straighten herself up Amanda caught the code written on her wrist. B12. _She was someone's property too_. Amanda's eyes darted around. She finally saw what had started to dawn on her earlier. She spotted a tag on a girl's skirt. She spotted another code higher up on another girl's arm. _They were all someone's property. But why were they here?_ Amanda's eyes went up over towards the bar. She spotted an older suit up at the bar with those binoculars people brought to the theater. _Oh my God_, she thought to herself as she saw him say something to the guy next to him and that guy wrote down what was probably the code on the shopping list he had in his hands. She caught another guy with a pen and paper in his hand. She tried to find Anton and Justin again but they were no longer in the same spot. She caught another guy's eyes and she scooted down slightly in her seat. _She didn't want to be there. What if she had a code too?_

_Her mind was all of a sudden completely clear. This was stupid. She hadn't thought this through at all. She thought about calling Fin. She should probably call Fin_. Just as she was about to reach for her phone over in her jacket someone lifted them off. Andy scooted back in to his seat.

"Where's Anton?" Amanda asked trying to not let her anxiety be too obvious. Andy just ignored her. When she looked over her shoulder though she saw him coming, carrying two new drinks in his hands.

"Miss me much?" Anton smiled as he scooted in next to her. He pushed one of the drinks closer to her other glass.  
"What?" Anton asked as he could tell something was on her mind. Amanda wasn't sure how upfront she could be but she just couldn't sit silent either. She leaned in closer to his ear so she wouldn't have to shout.

"Why are all girls marked with a code?"

She leaned back a little so she could get a good look on Anton's face and try to read it in case he wouldn't answer her. He just smiled a bit mysteriously at her though. His arm came up around her back and she felt his fingers sneak up in her hair.

"Should've known you were that observant," Anton chuckled and rubbed her head a little. Amanda felt belittled and it made her angry.  
"Tell me," she demanded shoving her arm a little in to him. Anton's smile vanished immediately but he kept his eyes out over the dancefloor. She shoved her arm a little harder in to him as she was determined to get an answer one way or another. She felt his grip in her hair harden just slightly as he turned to face her.

"Don't ask too many questions Amanda," he said just above the music.  
"Are you selling them?" she asked though and tried to defy the glimmer of anger that flashed by Anton's eyes. She felt his hand come up her leg and turn down slightly between her thighs as he leaned in. She put her hand over his to stop him from getting further up than he already was.

"You asked me to help you," he hissed with a slightly annoyed tone.  
"Are you trading girls?" Amanda was afraid but she couldn't help herself. She had to know what was going on. Anton smiled again but it was more a smirk now and it never reached his eyes that just glared at her with slight contempt. She had to get the help of her other hand as well to hold his hand back.

"I can take you out of here right now…" he said but she wasn't sure if it was a question or a threat. _She was a little unsure if he expected an answer or not. Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut? _

"Make up your mind Amanda," he said after a few uncomfortable seconds had passed, "What is more important to you? Your job or finding your friend?"

She didn't dare to turn her head too much, didn't want to find out just how hard he was holding on to her hair, but her eyes glanced out over the dance floor. _What was more important to her? She didn't know what was important to her any longer. _

When her eyes had locked with his again she took a deep breath and then she let his hand go. She let her hands drop to either side of her.

"Tell me," she said just loud enough for him to pick it up.

His eyes narrowed slightly, wondering what game she was playing but then that smirk slowly spread across his face and this time it reached all the way up to his eyes as his hand started to slowly make its way further up under her skirt. She didn't even flinch as he found his intended target and pushed his palm against her core. He rubbed his hand a little back and forth against her panties as though he was testing her. She must've passed the test as he started talking.

"They're _not_ being sold," he said still smirking. And still rubbing his hand against her.  
"They're not even being traded, well maybe if they like too but this is just more for… display. Showing of goods so to speak. A little friendly… _competition_ amongst peers and potential… high end customers."  
"You have girls here?" she asked wanting to know just how much he was in business with Justin Oche.

His smirk got a little mischievous and his fingers played just by the edge of her panties as he leaned in closer to her ear.

"I might have," he whispered, "but all I really need is you to make some serious bucks here tonight. A wealthy, and I mean _wealthy_ man over by the bar just offered me a lot of money for you…"

Amanda felt herself tense up and Anton, having his hand on her, felt it too.

"You could spend the winter on Aruba, rolling in luxury…" he said as he came up in front of her face again, "You would have to put out, he is a bit old but I have a feeling you could make it work."

His eyes went around her face for a few seconds as Amanda tried to control her shallow breathing. His hand had stopped moving between her legs, just rested high up on her thigh. She realized he'd let go off her hair too when his finger brushed by her cheek. His face broke out in to a chuckle.

"I'm just kidding," he said loudly and she managed to take a deeper breath.  
"I mean I could never sell you," he said, face turning serious instantly, "I told him you were mine. Cause tonight Amanda, you are mine right?"

This time he did seem to want an answer though and the grip he know had on the side of her face harden a little as she kept him waiting. She nodded barely visibly but she knew he got it as his face softened slightly.

"Can you call me Shay?" she asked.

His eyes narrowed slightly again. She didn't know why she'd asked that and she feared it was a mistake as Justin was around.

"Shay?" he questioned and she nodded again. That mischievous smile spread across his face again.  
"You really are a bit twisted aren't you," he chuckled running his fingers over her cheek.  
"Strangely enough that's what makes me trust you," he said with a bit of desire in his eyes as he traced her eyebrow.  
"Do you trust me?" he asked pinning her down with his intense gaze. She nodded but could tell he didn't fully buy it.  
"Prove it," he challenged her.

She wasn't sure how she could do that, searching his face for some answer but couldn't find it. Anton chuckled and then cocked his head at Andy. Andy got something out of his pocket and handed it to Anton.

"Take this," he said holding out his palm to her. She looked down at a little square with rainbow colors.  
"I need to be clearheaded," she tried knowing it might sound a bit hypocritical with the many drinks she'd already had.  
"Don't worry, it's not too strong. It's more about me being able to trust you. You will take it _Shay_, I prefer you do it on your own but if not I'll be willing to help you…"

He kept his hand extended to her as he let his eyes wander over to the dance floor. He smirked as he saw out of the corner of his eye how she reached up to take the tiny square from the palm of his hand. He had to turn to watch her place it on her tongue. He waited a while, just held her eyes and enjoyed the slight anguish displayed over her face as she probably felt the square melt on her tongue. He flicked his fingers and Andy handed him another one that Anton put in his own mouth without letting her go with his eyes.

He swallowed a few times and then leaned in to kiss her. She just sat there feeling a bit petrified over what was happening and what might happen. She stayed in the same spot as he let her go. She watched him have a drink and then he sat back watching the dance floor just waiting for the drugs to take effect. Amanda tried to breathe calmly. It had been a while now since she'd done acid. She had some bad experience of it and could only hope Anton had been telling her the truth when he'd hinted it was a low dosage.

She tried to sit back and relax. Tried to focus on why she was there and searching the dance floor after Sierra again. _She had to be there_. It snuck up on her gradually. The music starting to bond with the lights and they formed red lines in the air that turned to musical notes that then vaporized in the air shooting out tiny red stars at her. Anton reacted when she reached out to try and catch a few of those tiny stars. She couldn't catch them but they tingled on her skin and it was a nice feeling.

When the music started pumping with her heart she started to feel a bit panicky as she felt as though she lost control of her own breathing.

"Just relax," she heard Anton whisper close to her ear and she did her best. This warm feeling spread through her body and she realized it originated from her core. Looking down she caught Anton's hand underneath her skirt again. She instinctively tried to grab a hold of his wrist but he was stronger and he kept rubbing his hand against her. She wasn't sure she wanted to stop him either cause it was a beautiful feeling that went well with all these beautiful colors moving towards her in calming waves.

When she turned to face Anton all she saw was a big grin spread across his face along with the color purple. Or maybe it was blue? Either way the color looked good on him and she had to smile. She had no real sense of her arms or legs now, she thought she was missing her head as well, but for some odd reason her core was very… _living_. She could feel his fingers on her, _inside_ her.

A glimmer of perhaps decency washed over her and she felt ashamed as those girls dancing all seemed to watch her and they looked aware of the obscenity she was up to. Faces floating out of the mass and closer to her. Eyes watching. Judging. Her breathing got strained again and she felt a loss of her body again. Looking down though she could see she still had a body.

Anton's one hand was far up underneath her skirt while the other one was pinning down her wrist on the seat between them. Looking for her other hand she found it on the other side of her, also pinned down on the seat but by Andy. Looking up at him he was shaking his head, facing another way. He was completely green and as she associated that with jealousy she started laughing. His eyes abruptly turned towards her and he looked at her like she was an alien which only made her laugh harder.

He let go of her hand and looking offended he scooted away from her. Her laugh died down a little and even more as she caught the eyes of the dance floor again. _Rotten. Foul. Disgrace_. She could see their thoughts and they made her feel embarrassed again. She sought refuge at the only place she could, pressing her face in to Anton's neck.

"It's okay," she heard him whisper, "just let go. I got you."

She could feel him trying to spread her legs to get better access and with his other hand he twisted her hand behind her back to prevent her from getting in the way. A lot of conflicting emotions went through her body and mind. She wanted to find her way back to that pleasurable state where all the colors calmed her but trying to open her eyes back up all she saw was darkness so she clamped them shut again. She fought to find that good feeling in her core but all she felt was a throbbing, sinister being between her legs.

"_Just let go. It's okay." _

Delight. Heartache. Ecstasy. Pain. That face tried to push through the clouds in her head but whatever Anton had given her made the image too blurry to really fear and it made her smile. She opened up her mouth against his throat, dug her teeth slightly in to his skin. His rubbing intensified and she dug her nails harder in to his shoulder as something conquered the other. If good or evil was winning she wasn't sure of though.

She felt every sensation now, every inch of her body. From the pressure in her brain, those drops of sweat slowly making their way down her spine, how stiff her nipples were and how the fabric felt against them every time her chest rose and fell with every heavy breath. She felt his hand on her lower back holding her down against his other hand, the way her toes were curling up in those darn uncomfortable shoes. But most of all she felt those two finger swirling around her clit, getting moist every now and then by dipping inside of her.

"_Just let go." _

It felt as though her body wanted to jump out of her skin. She wanted nothing else than to let go but something held her back. That face still lingering in the shadows of her mind. That voice telling her what a disgrace she was. What little moral she had left in her body that told her how inappropriate this was in the midst of all these people. But she had to realize she'd surpassed all sense of decency by now. That line was crossed long ago.

He was getting frustrated, he usually didn't pay this much attention to the female's need. She was just a being for him to relieve himself in. She didn't even have to be pretty, he could make her face away, she was just a vessel anyway. He didn't know why it was important for him to push this one over the edge. Sure it was demeaning, he got a little pleasure out of exploiting her like this and he would get his turn later tonight. Even if they didn't find this whore friend of hers he would make sure she paid her dues. That he got compensated for his efforts and he would make sure he got it all on tape too. That way he could use her again. It was never bad to have a cop on your side and what he had planned for her tonight was nothing she ever would want her boss to see. Or that partner of hers. He smiled just by the thought of what fun he could have with her after tonight.

She could feel she was losing whatever battle was going on between her mind and body. She'd felt the frustration in his fingers, how they rubbed her raw and balanced that line between pleasure and pain. The pain gave her pleasure though and when her back arched and those muscles spasms in her core came closer and closer together she knew there was no holding back. She tried to hold the scream in, pressing her open mouth against him to mute herself as her body exploded with compulsions that took her off the seat. He kept rubbing her as she rode the high, increasing the sensation and she had to grab his wrist to try and tear him off or she feared she would never come down otherwise.

She fell back against the seat panting hard. Stars sparkled in front of her eyes as she managed to open them. Once her eyes could focus again she was relieved but a little surprised no one on the dance floor seemed to be watching them. She had been so loud inside her own head but they were all flowing with the red light all consumed by the music or whatever high they were riding.

Anton had kept pushing his hand up between her thighs but once she lost the resistant her eyes wandered over to him and she let him go a little shamefully. He smirked at her and her gut turned a bit as she watched him bring his two fingers up to his mouth and suck at them. He even licked his fingers off all while holding her eyes, before he reached for his drink. Before he drank though he leaned in to her and whispered;  
"I can't wait to get my mouth on that later tonight."

She felt sick to her stomach and fear she would vomit all over the table, or him, if she couldn't get some distance from him.

"I need the bathroom," she said quietly.  
"Andy will go with you," Anton said all while drinking as he watched the dance floor.  
"He doesn't have to," she said quickly.  
"Oh he has to," Anton said throwing her a quick glance.

She feared it might be for her own protection and either way she didn't feel like she could argue with him right now. If she strained herself a bit more she would puke right here. Andy got up and let her pass. She swayed slightly standing up. The lights were still coming at her but at least the music didn't have control on her heart pumping.

Just getting away from Anton made her feel a little less queasy and she felt as she could pull proper breaths. She could feel Andy's presence behind her though. _He'd been by her side just now as she orgasm. What kind of person sits through something like that with a straight face? Did he take pleasure in it too? Did he have a hard on? _She caught herself glancing backwards and down on him. Andy kept her under close watch, she could tell. She felt sick over herself. _What a disgusting being let someone finger her at a table at a club? What kind of person was she? Was she even a person or an unredeemable bastard? _

She got a little startled as Andy grabbed a hold of her arm but she realized he was just directing her the right way to the ladies room. When he let her go it felt as though all stress rinsed off her.

"Are you following me all the way in there?" she asked him.

He picked up on her southern drawl now that they had gotten away from the music.

"I'm sure you can handle yourself in there," he answered a bit cocky.  
"But maybe you would want to handle me too," she threw back glancing up at him, "follow in your boss' step?"

Andy looked at her a little puzzled. They had reached the ladies room. Amanda put her back up against the door though and reached for his hand. She shoved it up underneath her skirt and watched Andy's face drop a little further. He was a little hesitant but he didn't pull back as she pushed his hand up between her thighs. She bit down on her lip seductively as she saw Andy's eyes come up to her face. He looked a little reluctant on what to do, how to proceed and she had the time to make the decision for him.

"Maybe tonight then," she said letting his hand drop and she pushed herself inside the bathroom.

Several ladies were gathered over by the mirror reapplying their makeup but plenty of stalls were free and she crashed down on her knees in the first one she could get in to. She emptied her stomach in involuntary spasmic movements that had her eyes tear up. She didn't even register the stall door opening but she was grateful for whoever held back her hair. She was even more grateful for whoever had wet a paper towel and held it against her forehead. The heaving had stopped and she let out a relieved sigh as the cold towel came around to the back of her neck.

"You'll be okay soon sister," someone told her.  
"Thank you," she whispered and grabbed the hand that was massaging her scalp a little.  
"Thank you," she repeated as she caught the eyes of the woman smiling down at her. She recognized those eyes and her eyes went down to her arm. B12. She started feeling sick again.

Andy popped his head inside the bathroom a little later. B12 and another girl with the code GE3 on a badge on her belt had helped Amanda refresh her makeup. _She so wanted to learn their names. Their history. Why they were there._ A third girl helped pin up Amanda's hair a little to give it a little buff. When Andy peeked in the three girls just all took a step away from Amanda like they knew he was there for her or something.

"You done?" he asked pinning his eyes in her.  
"Thank you," she whispered making sure to look all three girls in the eyes as she made her way out of there.

She avoided Andy's though as she passed him in the doorway. She felt his eyes drill holes in her back as they made their way out in the club again. Amanda still felt the effects of the drug, the lights were still electrified but she'd lost all the strong emotions. It was as though they were wrapped, she could even imagine them floating around inside of her with bubble wrap around them. This was another type of that numbness she'd gotten accustom to.

Her head had cleared up a little after emptying her stomach but it also meant what had just happened was very fresh in her mind. _Anton expected to be repaid tonight._ She tried to tell herself it would be worth it if she could only get Sierra out of whatever mess she was in. _She had to find Sierra_.

Once she reached the table Anton put his arm up in the air expecting her to slide in right beside him and she did. His hand rested on her back as she reached for her drink.

"Doing okay?" he asked rubbing her neck once she sat back again. She nodded as she had a sip of her drink. He smiled and kissed the side of her face before he relaxed back on the seat. His arm had slid down to her waist, his hand resting on her thigh.

"When do you think he'll show?" she had to ask when they'd just been sitting there for what felt like ages and she'd finished both her drinks.  
"Oh he's already here," Anton said without letting the dance floor go with his eyes. She gave him a stern look.  
"Where?" she asked a little annoyed. Anton let out a chuckle before he turned to her.

"Are you always this eager?" he asked bouncing her a little against himself.  
"I'm here to meet him Anton," she said seriously.  
"I thought you were here to find your friend?"  
"Well for that to happen I need to see him," she answered getting more annoyed.

"Well I'm sorry sweet cheeks but not even you can hurry this up, when, or if, he has time for me he'll let us know," Anton said looking out on the girls again.  
"So he outranks you," Amanda mumbled but knew he'd heard her as his grip around her harden.  
"When _I_ call for a meeting yes," Anton answered with a clenched jaw, "as I did as a favor to you."

She wished she was better at biting her tongue, she still needed him on her side. She watched his dogged face for a bit, thought about what she could do to please him. She finally scooted in even closer to him and she placed her hand on his thigh. She saw his eyes fall down to her hand and she moved it up a little further, squeezing his thigh when she'd gotten as far up as possible. His eyes moved slowly over to meet hers.

"I _am_ very grateful," she said.

It took a few seconds but then his face broke out into a smile.

"And you should be," he said, his grip around her growing fonder again.

He rearranged himself a little on the seat, making her hand connect with his crotch which might have been the intended reason.

"You'll show me later right…" he said pinning his eyes in her, "just how grateful you are?"

She nodded slowly and it seemed to please him a lot.

"Good, that's good," he said switching his focus again to check out the girls.

Amanda did her best to keep herself collected. Her mind was racing though and she even found it hard to listen in when Anton asked Andy something about if he knew how they were doing. _She wanted to understand exactly what was going on here tonight but she just couldn't connect all the dots. Why have the girls coded? And what friendly competition? Why?_

"Hey, what you say we make a round? Had enough of looking at the ladies right," Anton said interrupting her thoughts. Amanda nodded eagerly.  
"Yeah we need refills anyway," Anton said and got up reaching for her hand.

Andy had followed them but then sneaked up ahead to get them drinks from the bar. Anton was telling her something, pointing at something across the room but Amanda's attention was over at the bar where she'd seen Andy run in to Justin Oche. They exchanged a few words but then suddenly Andy looked over her way and she hurried to turn back around hoping he hadn't caught her looking. Anton elbowed her slightly.

"You listening?" he asked with a crocked smile.  
"Oh, yeah, interesting," she said hoping she wasn't making a fool of herself.

Anton's eyes narrowed slightly but then he broke in to a chuckle and copped a feel as he brought her in for a kiss. Letting her go he went for the chain around her neck again, this time just letting his fingers run down her cleavage with it.

"That is a sexy…" he got interrupted by something that caught his attention over her shoulder. Turning slightly she saw Andy walking up with Justin just a step behind him. The knot in Amanda's gut grew several sizes as they got closer. _What if he recognized her?_ Justin cocked his head at Anton once they stepped up.

"This is Shay," Anton said once he caught Justin glancing her way.  
"Shay?" Justin mumbled pinning his eyes in her.

Anton still had her right hand in a solid grip but Justin grabbed her left hand and brought it up to his lips. Amanda feared he would notice her scar but he had his eyes fixed on her as he put his lips right below her knuckles.

"I could swear I've seen you somewhere…" Justin said as he let her hand go.  
"They say I have one of those faces," Amanda answered quickly and batted her eyelashes.  
"And one of those bodies," Justin said letting his eyes drop.  
"Hey hey," Anton said and made a playful jab at Justin's chest before he reached over to Andy to take the drinks from him. He handed one to Amanda and she shot him a smile.

"Well it's nice to meet you Shay," Justin said, "when you get tired of this douche," Justin cocked his head at Anton, "you can come sit by my side any day of the week."

Anton looked as he was about to answer back but Amanda jumped in instead.

"Oh I can't see myself ever getting tired of this one," she said letting go off his hand so she could wrap it around his neck, "he keeps me well satisfied."

Anton looked at her with pleased eyes but then quickly went back to playing cool.

"Yes some of us know how to keep their ladies satisfied," he said cockily at Justin.

Amanda played with his ponytail, let her nails run down his neck every now and then.

"Keep telling yourself that," Justin huffed but Amanda could tell he was a little annoyed and since that seemed to please Anton she was pleased too.  
"So how we doing?" Anton asked looking between Justin and Andy.

Amanda put the straw between her lips and pretended to focus more on her drink than their conversation.

"We will have to wait and see," Justin said a bit cryptic though.

All three men looked out over the dance floor. It bugged her to be out of the loop.

"I'm sitting down with Anderson in a while, he has some potentials for us," Justin finally said. Anton gave him a nod.  
"I heard you have a sit down with Okeke?" Justin questioned.  
"Why?" he asked when Anton gave a short nod. Amanda hadn't missed the quick glance exchange between Anton and Andy. She didn't miss his grip around her waist hardening either.

"I just want to meet the myth," Anton said casually with a slight shrug.  
"We are _not_ doing business with him Anton," Justin said with a strict tone.  
"I know but you know all too well it's a demand for what he brings, I just want him to know we're sending business his way. Stay on a friendly ground with him that's all."  
"You're playing with fire Anton," Justin said shaking his head, "He's been shut down several times, and he's gotten too big again. It's only a matter of time before he gets slammed down. I keep telling you it's better to balance this line we're on, police don't care about us, they want the big fishes like Okeke. I wish you would just listen to me Anton, I was down this road with your dad. He kept pushing the boundaries and look where that got him…"

Amanda tried to take shallow breaths. Anton's grip around her waist was so hard now it actually hurt. She'd felt him glance her way a few times during Justin's speech but she'd kept her eyes down her drink.

"Well I'm going to take care of our business, as usual," Justin said glaring at Anton, "while you have fun, _as usual_."

Justin's eyes went down Amanda's body again before he turned and walked away.

"Mother fucking pig," Anton grunted after him as soon as he was out of range. Another row of harsh language followed after that but in a language she figured was his native tongue. She put her hand up by his neck again and squeezed him a little, hoping to release some tension.

"With friends like that you really don't need enemies," Anton grunted before he took a big gulp of his drink.  
"He seems like a prick," Amanda piped in.  
"He is," Anton said with a short chuckle.

She turned her head to face him as she felt him looking at her. He observed her closely, seemed to be thinking about something but never said it out loud.

"Let's forget about the prick, let's mingle," he said.

For the next hour or so she just followed Anton around the room as he talked to different people. He seemed to be more acquainted with the non-suits but he did know some of the suits as well. She got introduced to some of them but mostly she felt like just a token on his hip. He seemed to like how they eyed her and the more they eyed her the more he fondled her in front of them. She went through two drinks quickly, Anton kept telling Andy to fetch new ones for her. As she got a little wobbly on her feet she realized she had to stop drinking so much and kept the third drink around all while she was pranced around.

At first she kept her ears open but she soon realized these guys were slick. They talked about past events but left out all the details. Places and people seemed to have code names and they were just too many for her to keep track of. Her attention strayed out over the club instead as Anton kept mingling. Her eyes searched for Sierra but she got a sense all these girls were younger. She figured she was the oldest woman in there except for that one nicely dressed one that seemed to belong to the suits in this room.

Half way sitting on Anton's lap with his hand playing right underneath the hem of her skirt she wondered about that older woman. _Was she running a club of her own? Was she married? Did she have kids? What brought her here? Was this what she set out to do with her life? Use girls as property? She found it hard to believe this lady had been sold once herself but maybe that was the case? Maybe this was her payback? She'd been treated so badly in her past life she just didn't give a shit these days. She looked like she was out to make money in this world. She had that cold, casual grin plastered on her face. She seemed comfortable in this setting, she moved like she knew what she was doing but she didn't seem popular with this crowd. She could see the people she talked to made faces when she wasn't looking. Amanda had a hard time feeling sorry for her though. She didn't look nice or that she would care if anyone either hated or pitied her._

"What you say?"

Amanda got pulled back to her company by Anton slapping his hand against her thigh.

"Where'd you go?" Anton laughed while moving his hand up over her stomach.  
"Sorry, what?" Amanda said feeling her cheeks blush slightly. Anton seemed to notice as he moved his hand up briefly to caress her cheek. His hand went down quickly again though and she felt him rub up against her abs again.

"Dennis gave your legs a compliment," Anton smiled and Amanda turned to the guy he'd been talking to and flashed a smile.  
"He said you must've been a dancer and I told him you can still dance. Right?"

Anton was rubbing his hand over her thigh making her skirt pull up even further.

"I still got some moves yes," Amanda said and hoped they bought the smile as real and not as plastered as it felt on her face.  
"You sure do," Anton said forcing her up on her feet by slapping first her thigh and then her ass.

She wasn't sure what he expected her to do once on her feet and she felt uncomfortable being studied by the two men. Andy's sullen looks her way didn't help either. She sucked on her straw a little without really letting any alcohol come in to her mouth, she was waiting for her ice cubes to melt. Anton had a mischievous grin on his face as he stood up and took a step closer to her. He kneeled down slightly so he could place his hands right below her skirt and then he dragged his hands up along her legs making the skirt go with. She used her free hand to make sure the skirt stayed down over her ass, having to settle with him giving her some cover in the front. Anton flashed his teeth once he came up right in front her face and he closed in for a kiss. Amanda let him just do whatever he wanted for whatever reason he felt like doing this right now figuring it would make it end sooner.

"Yeah she is a real looker," Anton smirked once he let her lips go and then he slapped her ass, hard, before he backed away to have a seat again.

Anton and his friend chuckled at each other before they both looked over her way. She felt annoyed but tried to not make it obvious and instead had some of her drink to get rid of the taste of him.

"She'll give me a private show later tonight," Anton said jabbing at his friend's arm and they both started chuckling again.

Amanda turned to face the dance floor instead as she feared she wasn't going to be able to hold her contempt down much longer. She got tired just watching the girls dancing, they'd been at it for hours now. Her patience was running low too. _If Lamar was there why couldn't they just go see him? What if Sierra was in a room nearby right now? What if she could get a hug from her friend right now instead of getting flaunted by Anton? But what if Sierra didn't want to have anything to do with her?_

Amanda was left with her thoughts and her concerns for a while but then Anton sneaked up on her from behind, pressing himself up against her ass all while his hand ran up her thighs and up over her tummy.

"Searching for your friend again?" he whispered by her ear.  
"That's why I'm here," she answered just to make that clear to him.  
"Why not enjoy yourself while you're at it," he suggested leaning his chin on her shoulder.

She wasn't really sure what to say to that and stayed quiet. His hands had been moving slowly around her waist but now one of his hands travelled up and didn't stop until it was cupping her breast. When his fingers started searching for her nipple she had enough of fondling though and let him know by pushing herself away from him.

"Are you going to play this hard to get later tonight as well?" he asked once she faced him.

She just frowned slightly at him.

"I wouldn't mind if you do," he smirked as he stepped in to her. She knew she had a railing not far behind her that would hinder her if she tried to back away much further so she just tried to hold her own instead.

"I want to find my friend first," she said fixing her eyes at him.  
"We will," he said playing with a curl that had escaped her ear, "if not tonight then we'll keep trying as long as you make it worth my while."

It looked as though he was closing in for a kiss but she put her hand against his chest and held him back.

"He is here isn't he? You are going to see him tonight?" she asked seriously feeling a bit of doubt this was all a rouse.  
"Hey, you heard the scolding I got from my so-called partner earlier," he said a little offended, "you think that was easy for me? I'm doing all this for you. Do you see anyone else bringing a date to this?"

Her hand eased a little on his chest as she believed him. It made his face ease slightly.

"And I thought…" he said sneaking in even closer to her, "…you trusted me when you came in my hand."

His words made her feel really uncomfortable and she looked away biting her lip. His hand had moved up under her skirt but as he tried to make his way back in-between her thighs she squeezed her legs shut and moved her hand down to stop him. She could feel the railing against her back now.

"No?" he said a bit amused, "So drugs loosen you up? I'll remember that."

He stole a quick kiss of her but then stepped away leaving only a hand resting on her hip. Anton moaned rather loudly.

"I always get so bored as these functions. Too much business, too little partying going on."

She watched him look around the place but then he suddenly turned to her.

"Let's go see if he has time for us, he can't be angry for me being eager to butter him up," he said and wheeled her in.

Anton waved Andy over and Amanda figured he told him what he was up to as Andy's face darken even more. He shot Amanda a spiteful glare as Anton dragged her with him down towards the dance floor again. Amanda could care less about Andy right now. Her heart was pounding fast in her chest with the anticipation of seeing Sierra. She knew it was naïve to think everything would just work itself out once she saw her but that's what her life felt right now. She'd do anything just for a brief moment of happiness. For a brief moment of relief from that stress that seemed to have inhabited her body for some time now.

They passed the dancing mass, moving underneath the DJ booth and through an open door on the other side. The sound got lower as they got in to the hallway but the echo of the base stayed. For a moment Amanda thought it was her own heart beating against the walls. Anton looked a little hesitant as they reached an intersection, he threw a glance back towards Andy but then seemed to decide on turning left. The beat had gotten different and Amanda figured some other kind of music was playing somewhere down where they were heading. Over Anton's shoulder she could spot two colored men further down the corridor. Her breath hitched up a little as she spotted what looked like a semi-automatic long rifle hanging around one of the men's chest. She spotted a similar kind of weapon underneath the other guys arm as they got closer. Anton had slowed down his step and they approached them slowly, both Anton and Andy putting their hands up slightly.

"Okeke is expecting me," Anton said calmly.

One of the guys waved him up against the wall and Anton took a stance against it. Amanda saw Andy do the same and followed their lead. The men searched Anton and Andy first and when one of them stepped up behind her she braced herself for just as a thorough pat down as the guys had been given but he barely touched her. He did swipe his hand between her legs but it was quick and the skirt was between them the whole time.

Anton grabbed Amanda's hand again as they walked inside. Amanda fought the need to cough once they entered, the entire room was filled with smoke. A thick layer of smoke covered the ceiling in the small room, made it look as though the ceiling consisted of smoke. It was even hard to count all the heads in there because of the smoke. She tried to scan the room quickly though. Two couches, five black men on them, all smoking what she could only assume was weed. The strong skunk smell also hinted to that.

There was a small table in one of the corners, a single arm chair with two women squeezed down in it. Another two standing by the table, all of them smoking as well. In the midst of the smoke Amanda counted at least three more women moving to a low rhythmic beat. It wasn't the same music as she'd heard out in the hallway though. This was slower. Reggae? She wasn't sure and she feared it was only her prejudice that made her think that.

She felt Anton let her hand go and then he pushed her slightly over to the table with the ladies.

"Just wait there for a while," Anton whispered near her ear.

She threw a glance over at the couch. She wanted to feel a bit insulted but there were only men on the couch so she couldn't blame Anton for directing her away. She felt a bit intimidated walking over to those complete strangers but when she whispered a low 'hi' she got both smiles and nods back. One of the girls that were standing put a warm hand on her shoulder as she handed her a smoke. Amanda didn't want to be rude and accepted it. A fifth girl suddenly appeared out of the smoky wall it looked like and Amanda realized she'd left a chair for her to sit on. The girl with the hand on her shoulder urged her to have a seat. As it would give Amanda a better view of Anton and the rest of the men, if the smoke wouldn't get in the way, she did have a seat.

Anton and Andy were exchanging handshakes and fist bumps with the men on the couch. The men hadn't moved up from the couch but they did scoot over to make room for them. Amanda couldn't really make out what were said, she could only hear a murmur and then a loud laughter as Anton sat down. She was so curious about which one of them Lamar was but she was more eager to find Sierra. It was only when seated she could rule out any of the girls around the table wasn't Sierra. That only left the women dancing over by the other wall. One of them was too short to be Sierra but the other two at least fit her height and figure. The girl to Amanda's left hunched down by her side and then looked up at her with a clouded smile over her face and eyes. Amanda wasn't sure what she wanted until she reached up and moved Amanda's hand up to her mouth. She'd just been holding on to the smoke handed to her and either the girl was service minded or she just couldn't stand seeing the smoke go to waste. Whatever it was in the joint it was strong. It burnt going down her throat and the buzz was immediate. It felt almost electrical and it looked as though the room got lighter for a few seconds. The second inhale wasn't as harsh and Amanda welcomed the calming effect it had on her slight anxiety. _This would be fine_.

The girl by her feet sat down next to her and rested her head on Amanda's lap. Amanda placed her hand on her hair, let her fingers get down her thick weed and started massaging her scalp. The girl seemed to like it as Amanda felt her lips come down to place a kiss on the skin right above her knee. Looking over at the girls on the single arm chair Amanda caught them doing shotguns on each other. One girl inhaling from the smoke only to let the smoke go in to the other girl's open mouth. It looked like a game. With an inch between their mouths they took turns and Amanda couldn't help but smile, it looked like fun. Amanda tried to snap out of it though, she had a mission. She tried to make out what was being said over by the couches but she just couldn't hear them. The only thing she heard was the sparse laughter every now and then. She wasn't sure just how long they talked for. Her smoke ran out and she was handed another one. It all felt really strange, like something out of the twilight zone. The smoke. The music. A girl had been playing with her curls for a while but Amanda only now noticed. She still had that girl resting her head on her lap and the girls on the chair were still playing their little game of shotgun.

Suddenly there was a snapping sound though. Amanda only registered after the girl had suddenly withdrawn from her lap and the other girl had stopped playing with her hair. Looking over at the couch she caught Anton leaning over the couch snapping his fingers at her. Once she looked at him he waved her over with a single finger, like she was a dog or some other pet but still Amanda didn't frown. She just stood up, surprising herself how steady she was on her feet when her head felt as cloudy as the room.

She didn't feel a shred of nervousness as she approached the group of men.

"Sweetie," Anton said staying planted on the couch, "this is the notorious Okeke. The man of the myths and already a legend of New York."

All the men on the couch laughed. They all seemed to find Anton's exaggerated ass licking amusing. She really had no idea which one of them he was referring to but thankfully one of the men sat up slightly from the relaxed slouch they all had on the couch. He was just as black as the other men, with a row of the whitest teeth she'd ever seen and a single gold one on the side of his mouth that actually seemed to be there for a reason and just not for show. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. His hair was in dreads, held back by some colorful fabric at the back of his head.

He reached out both his hands towards her sporting muscular arms coming out of a dark tee and with skin that looked so inviting she had to restrain herself from not touching it.

"Shay," the man said with a voice as smooth as his skin and she shivered slightly as his hands wrapped around hers.  
"Hi," she said with barely a whisper.

She could feel his fingers lingering on her, tracing her scar inside her palm and even though she couldn't see it she was sure his eyes rested on the scar on top of her hand as he'd exposed it by stroking up her sleeve slightly. She gasped slightly as his hand suddenly flew up and grabbed a hold of her hair. She'd expected pain but there was nothing painful over the way he caressed the side of her face.

"Girl you're so white it's good I'm wearing glasses," he said and the men around them started laughing.

He let her go abruptly. She smiled shyly turning to Anton. There was no real room on the couch but it wasn't necessary as Anton pulled her down on his lap.

"Yeah you have to spank color in to this one," Anton joked slapping her thigh a little.

The men laughed again and Amanda found herself laughing too without really understanding why as that joke would never amuse her at any other time.

"Your boo is a little freak Shay. Or does he only take his kinky side to my club maybe?"  
"Oh this one is a little kinky too, be so sure," Anton chuckled rubbing his hand high up on her thigh, "she just let me finger her out by the dance floor."

Okeke seemed to choke on his smoke but then it turned in to laughter and the rest joined in. Everyone but Amanda. This time she didn't find it as amusing and just glared at Anton who seemed oblivious to her dislike, or perhaps he just didn't care about her feelings.

"You really are my type of man Ant," Okeke smiled before he dragged another smoke.

Amanda was still glaring at Anton and she could see how proud that made him. Like Okeke was the king of the schoolyard and this little junior had just been accepted to stand in the same square as him. It was pitiful. Amanda jumped slightly as Okeke suddenly slapped his hands together and she turned to look at him.

"No we said no more business, it's time to bring out the real party," he said sitting back up on the couch again. Everyone seemed to know what that meant and started clearing the table from ashtrays and beer cans. The other girls from the table by the corner came over. They came carrying what Amanda had no problem recognizing as drug paraphernalia. Okeke's men seemed to have the actual goods. White powder being chopped on a mirror plate while another one filled a bong. Another one waited around with a lighter. Okeke seemed to have first dibs on it all. He got served the bong by one of the girls who waited around for him to inhale. As soon as he was done one of his guys was there with the tray and Amanda saw two lines go up Okeke's nostrils. He shook his head wildly and made a loud noise as the drugs went in to his system.

"Damn we got the best shit," he finally shouted and it seemed to be the sign that everyone else was allowed to dig in. Okeke's men served themselves next, the girls eagerly waiting around for their turn. Amanda threw a glance over at the girls still dancing. _Weren't they coming over? She desperately wanted one of them to be Sierra_.

Andy passed on the tray but did take a hit from the bong. Amanda thought about doing the same but really didn't get an option as she felt Anton pushing her forward on his lap and she ended up on her knees in front of him but turned to the table. Okeke was slouched down on the couch again, maybe he was wasted but Amanda thought she saw his whites pinning her down behind those glasses and she feared sticking out could expose her. Anton was already holding back her hair so it wouldn't fall down on the tray and a girl that was on her knees next to Amanda handed her the short glass tube. Anton had time to poke her in the back before she finally bent down and snorted up the first perfectly straight line in to her nostril. She shot her head back for a few seconds, swallowing before she went down for the second line. She slumped slightly to the side, sat down on her bun which gave Anton room to snort two lines once the girl had set them up for him. Amanda heard him chuckle once he was done and he said something about it being good shit for sure. Amanda felt unable to move but she was perfectly fine sitting right there on the floor.

Once Okeke's guest had been served it seemed the girls could serve themselves and Amanda thought they looked something like vultures that hadn't found a carcass for days. There was something desperate about the way they urge for the drugs. One girl even had white powder hanging from her super long eyelashes as she'd licked one of the trays clean. Okeke laughed at her.

The girls that had been dancing finally joined them and Amanda lit up as she thought she saw Sierra. Once the girl got in to the light though it wasn't. The girl following her then looked like Sierra and Amanda felt the same delight only to get crushed as the girl, whose hand she'd grabbed on to apparently, wasn't Sierra. For a moment even the short girl had Sierra's face but that only made Amanda feel like crying as some part of her knew that it couldn't be Sierra. She might have even started crying as Anton suddenly pulled her back up in his lap.

"What's wrong?" he asked bringing her in to his arms. His embrace felt really nice right now and she cuddled in to him best she could. She felt lanky, her arms and legs didn't really follow and she ended up folding her legs to either side of him, clinging on to him like a baby ape.

"She's not here," she whimpered by his neck.

A chuckle rumbled through his body underneath her but he wrapped his arms harder around her for a while and then started rubbing her back.

"We don't give up yet," he said nuzzling his mouth as close to her ear as he could. It made her peek up at him, eyes filled with hope yet again. He nodded at her.  
"We never give up," he said.

The next thing she knew his lips was on hers, his tongue deep down her throat but she didn't mind at all. Her tongue started interacting with his and it seemed to delight him. She moved her hips over his crotch. She liked the way his erection bulged up at her, giving her something to rub herself against.

She wasn't sure just how long they made out but she was extremely hot and bothered when they finally separated from each other. Only then she got aware of the laughter around the table.

"You white people are weird as hell," Okeke chuckled behind her back and she turned her head over her shoulder and shot him a smile.

Anton suddenly tipped her backwards though, put her back against his thighs. She wasn't sure what was going on but one of the girls wiped her chest off with a cloth or something, let it run all the way down between her breasts and then she spread some white powder on top of her. The girl smiled at her as she used a plastic card to form lines best she could. The powder was sticking to her damp skin. The girl handed the glass tube to Anton who bent over her and snorted up the first line. He quickly did the other line and then the girl bent down over Amanda and licked the remains off her skin. Once she was done she reached in underneath Amanda's head and held her face up so she could kiss her. The girl swiped her tongue inside Amanda's mouth and she felt the fine grains of the white powder as it spread through her mouth. The girl stayed on her mouth for a while, their tongues playing a while as Amanda felt the buzz in her head increase. She could feel Anton's hands, at least she thought it was Anton's, going up and down her thighs, fingering the hems of her panties underneath her skirt. She would be perfectly fine with him touching her right now if he wanted to.

When the girl finally let her go Amanda felt herself get swept up again and she was handed the bong. The smoke that filled her lungs made her feel a bit panicky for a few seconds. She thought she wouldn't be able to breathe ever again but when she realized she could everything felt so much better and she started giggling uncontrollable. Some of the girls started too and soon everyone was laughing.

She had no grip of time now. She did another few lines, she danced with some of the girls and she found herself lying down on the floor just staring at the roof for a while. One of the girls was lying right next to her holding on to her hand and it felt perfectly normal. It didn't take long until she was back dancing though. One of the guys came over to get something from a bag by the wall and Amanda found herself grinding against him as he came back over. He stayed put for a while, seemed to enjoy the attention he got but then slapped her ass before he went back as drugs was more luring right now to him.

"Girl you can really dance," one of the girls said to Amanda.

They grinded up against each other and then started laughing.

"I used to dance," Amanda told her.  
"I can see that," the girl answered.  
"What's your name?" Amanda asked her.  
"Dominique," the girl smiled, "Or Domino."  
"I'm Shay," Amanda told her.  
"I know," the girl laughed.

Amanda looked over at the men, they looked either occupied by conversation or doing drugs.

"I used to dance at this club with this girl, maybe you know her?" Amanda waited for Dominique to look at her.  
"Her name was Sierra, she went to work for La-, I mean Okeke."  
"What's her name?" Dominique asked.  
"Sierra."  
"Sierr? Yeah I've worked with her," Dominique smiled.  
"You have? _Worked_? Not any longer," Amanda jumped from joy to worry to sadness in a blink of an eye.  
"Kee moved her. I guess she became a problem," Dominique shrugged.  
"A problem? Moved her where?" Amanda asked a little frantic.

They got interrupted by a loud whistle and looking over at the men Okeke was waving them over. The rest of the girls hurried over, Amanda got left behind.

"We're moving this party, eat up girls," Okeke said as he pulled one of the girls down in his lap and started making out.

Anton had gotten up out of the couch and met Amanda half way.

"That girl knows Sierra but they moved her," Amanda said keeping her voice low but there was a rapid speed to her tone brought on by her high.  
"Moved her where?" Anton asked with the same rapidity but he was a little occupied by some white powder he tried to balance on the side of his hand.  
"That I don't know," Amanda said a bit desperate.

Anton was holding out his hand towards her and just to get it out of the way she snorted up a pile he'd made for her by his knuckle.

"Well c'mon then, let's find out," he said before he put his hand to his mouth and wiped the residue up. He grabbed a hold of her neck and forced her lips on his for a while but the kiss only lasted for a few seconds.

"You coming right?" Okeke asked once they turned to face the others.

Anton looked to Amanda. She looked a little deer in a headlight but then nodded.

"Great," Okeke said putting his hands together with a loud clap, "Get the train started, we're out of here."

Amanda found herself getting swept out through a back door and in to an alley. Two cars were pulled up out there and people shattered between them. Most of them seemed to head to the first car but Okeke, who was standing by the door of the limo parked furthest in, whistled Anton and Shay over to him.

"You'll ride with me," he said.

Anton pushed Amanda inside first and she climbed in to the very back. Once seated she watched the door hoping to see Dominique climb in as well. When she got her wish she felt elated and made room for her by her side. Dominique happily accepted her extended hand and sat down next to her. When the door closed behind them Okeke, two of his men, four of his girls, including Dominique, and Andy had joined Anton and Amanda in the back. They were back to smoking again, filling the car with that same alluring haze as earlier. Amanda waited for a chance to talk to Dominique but Okeke had pulled the music up and he was moving around the car, joking around, demanding everyone's attention. Okeke pulled up two of his girls to the middle and told them to dance for them. With the limited space it was tricky for them and every time the car turned a corner they bounced around but they still did a pretty good job with it.

"Dominique?" Amanda tried and got the girl to look at her.  
"So if I'd like to see Sierra do you know where I could go?"

The girl just looked at her and smiled. There was a veil over her eyes and Amanda wasn't sure she was hearing her.

"I'd like to talk to Sierra…" Amanda tried talking slower.

Dominique's eyes had gone down to her mouth and the next moment Amanda was startled by the girl kissing her. She didn't want to offend her and her lips were super soft but most of all Amanda just wanted to talk to her.

"Yeah that one can be kinky," Okeke laughed once Amanda finally was let go.

Everyone had started watching them instead of the girls dancing, the girls had even sat down. Amanda looked over at Anton and he seemed to have liked the show too.

"She gives good head too," Okeke said pushing Dominique back on the seat a little roughly.

Amanda fought an urge to push Okeke right back but she stayed still. If he kept going though she would butt in. But instead he put his joint back between his lips and then looked over at Anton. Some silent exchanged took place and then Okeke cocked his head at Dominique. Like a trained dog she got up, used the roof to keep balance the few steps she needed to get over to Anton and then kneeled down in front of him. Amanda gave him a distraught look as Dominique started undoing his belt. Anton caught her look but just smiled taking a long drag of his joint. She tried to withdraw a little from his side but he'd had his arm around her and pulled her back right next to him. She tried to divert her eyes but on her other side one of the other girls was straddled over one of Okeke's men and they were having a steamy make out session. When Amanda's eyes came back Dominique had pulled Anton out of his pants, working him with her hand. Anton seemed eager to get Amanda to watch, like it made it more thrilling for him but Amanda didn't want any part of it. She wanted to _talk_ to Dominique, not watch her with Anton's cock in her mouth.

Anton moaned loudly as Dominique wrapped his lips around him. Okeke's other guy switched seats and ended up next to Amanda. He handed her a joint but she shook him off. He then lit it and more or less forced it on her. On his way back to his seat he made a crude gesture by Dominique's ass, pretending to do her from behind. Okeke chuckled. Amanda bit down her anger and took a drag of her joint hoping it would have the same numbing effect as earlier. Unfortunately it didn't numb her enough to be able to disregard from Anton's hand searching its way up her thigh. She tried to stop his hand from going further up but he was persistent, forcing both their hands further up between her legs. When it got obvious he wouldn't give in she decided to get up. With one hand on the roof she pushed by Dominique on the floor, bumped in to the couple making out before she sat down on the seat opposite from Anton.

"Uh uh, someone's jealous," Okeke laughed.

Anton looked both angry and a bit upset but the pleasure beat both emotions and he stayed seated, his hand gripping Dominique's hair to keep her down longer. Okeke scooted over at the seat, made the girls get up and made his way all the way over to Amanda.

"He's still yours by the end of the night sweetheart," he said rubbing her knee as to try and cheer her up.

Anton made a loud sound on the other side of the car. Okeke tried to keep his amusement down but didn't try very hard. Amanda took another long drag from her joint and tried to make smoke rings as she exhaled.

"You know what…," Okeke said, "…what you should do. Get even."

Okeke moved a little on the seat next to her, slouched down slightly more as he rearranged his crotch. Amanda looked at him with a bit of disbelief in her eyes but he looked dead serious.

"What you say?" Okeke grinned.

He left his joint hanging between his lips so he could unbuckle his belt with both hands to make his point even clearer. Amanda thought about getting up but she realized the guy that had handed her the joint earlier had moved up on her other side, leaning forward to more or less block her way if she wanted to get back up. Amanda still felt completely calm though. She met Andy's eyes across the car. He had a girl leaning on his shoulder but nothing more than that was going on. Next to him though Anton looked close to coming, mouth open and both hands holding Dominique down on top of him. He was just as a big swine as his father.

"It's been a while since I had a white girl," Okeke said tugging at her arm.  
"C'mon now," he said once Amanda looked at him again.

He gave her a big grin and he put his sunglasses up on his head. He had nice eyes. One of them drooped a little, probably because of the scar that went down the side of the eye. It made him look dangerous. She liked dangerous.

"Look," he said getting impatient, his grin lessen some, "it's only fair. Your boy over there is getting a freebie. You've burnt my dope. I'm being generous."

Okeke's guy had reached out and flicked at her hair to get her attention. It took her a few seconds to react but when she looked at him he raised his eyebrows at her.

"It's not a request. If Kee wants it he gets it," he said with a shrug.

She just stared at him and she couldn't help but smile. _How did she always end up in this seat? How stupid was she?_ She took one last long drag from the joint, blew it out a little deliberately in the face of the guy and then handed the rest of it to him. In the midst of the smoke she got down on the floor in front of Okeke. He looked pleased again, resting back comfortably as she started to unzip his pants.  
"Now that's being a good girl," he smirked.

She was the first one out once the limo finally stopped. She stumbled out wiping her mouth. Okeke's guy came out after her zipping up his pants. The other car had parked in front of them and people were leaving it, drifting inside the building in front of them. Okeke made his way out of the limo and wrapped his arm around Amanda's shoulders.

"Now this is where the magic happens," he smiled and brought her with him towards the building.

She'd lost track of why she was there in the first place but once they made it inside she remembered and looked around for Dominique. She couldn't really see her but she did catch a glimpse of Anton and he looked less than happy which surprised her as he'd just gotten off. Okeke made her lose track of Anton though as he more or less handed her over to two of his girls. They brought her over to a seating area where a few people had already taken a seat. Amanda at least thought it was the same people as earlier and they had already started lighting up joints, bongs and it looked like something even heavier were being lit. Amanda looked around for Dominique again and spotted her across the room with Anton and Andy. She wasn't sure what was going on but Andy was holding on to Anton's arm and saying something to him right by his ear. Dominique and another girl were just standing nearby leaning slightly against each other. _She wished she could come over so she could talk to her about Sierra_.

Suddenly some music was turned on. Amanda hadn't even scanned the room properly but now she took a look around. The room looked like a club but more intimate. It was the seating area, a stage, a bar and an open area that could function as a dance floor. Some lights were turned on over the stage and Amanda registered two stripping poles. Okeke stepped out behind the stage and whistled two girls up there.

"Shake those booties," he smiled as he passed them on his way down.  
"So what's cooking," Okeke said as he came over to the seating area.

Amanda followed him with her eyes as he plumped himself down in the middle of the big u-formed couch. He rolled up his sleeve and she watched someone prepare a needle for him. She turned to the girl next to her, noticing she was playing with Amanda's hair.

"Is there a bathroom?" Amanda asked.

The girl nodded and then pointed to the other side of the stage.

"I'll be right back," Amanda said and the girl nodded again.

Amanda rose from the couch as Okeke was wrapping a rubber noose around his muscular arm. She watched the girls dancing on the stage and felt sad that no one was watching them, they looked really good up there. She was a little worried she was walking the wrong way but then she spotted a big graffiti painting announcing that she was in fact on the right path. The large colorful letters spelling out toilet was really nice. It looked professional and the colors lit up nicely every time a spotlight from the stage came that way. She ran her fingers over the wall but then suddenly felt someone shove her in the back and she fell against the wall. She managed to stay upright and spun around only to find Anton glaring at her with fuming eyes. She was a little too dazed to really feel mad or come up with anything to say to him. He on the other hand looked a little too angry to be able to talk. She spotted Andy waiting a bit nervously a few steps behind Anton.

Angry about something Anton slammed his palm in the wall right beside her head. She didn't flinched but might've blinked at the sudden impact.

"What's your problem Anton?" she asked, her voice a little thick but far from annoyed.  
"You're my problem," he said shoving a finger in her face.

Amanda started chuckling which didn't help Anton's mood one bit. She tried biting her lip knowing somewhere in the back of her head that laughing in his face wasn't such a good thing but he looked really silly when angry. Gordon had looked scary when angry, Anton did not but looked more like a cartoon character with the nostrils flaring.

"If I wanted a whore I have plenty to pick from," Anton hissed in her face.  
"You're jealous that I sucked his cock?" Amanda laughed. It was getting funnier by the minute.  
"Shut the fuck up," Anton raised his voice. Andy was pacing a little nervously behind his back.  
"Make me," Amanda challenged.

Anton formed a fist in front of her face and she could tell he fought hard not to hit her but for some reason it didn't worry her at all. Andy tapped Anton's shoulder and he stepped off Amanda a little as two girls passed them aiming for the toilets as well. Anton shot them a smile but as soon as they had passed he stepped right in to her and grabbed a hold of her hair. Hard.

"I'm going to treat you like the whore you are later tonight," Anton hissed, this time with a grin on his face, "and I'm really going to enjoy it."

He let her go so her head hit the wall and then stomped away. Andy looked like he was going to follow Anton but then seemed to change his mind, throwing anxious looks her way. Making sure Anton wasn't looking he took a few steps closer to her.

"Do you want me to… get someone to take you out of here?" he asked her.

She looked at him a little confused. _Did he actually care about her?_ The fact was he didn't care so much for her but more over the fact she was a cop and he feared how Anton would take out his frustration on her later or that he in his anger would slip something that would make Okeke aware of the fact they had a cop amongst them. If Okeke found out they were all dead.

_She couldn't leave. She was going to find Sierra, that was the only thing that was important right now. _

"I can't leave," she said slurring slightly, "we all have a date later tonight right. You can treat me like a whore too."

With the help of the wall she made her way to the bathroom. The girls that had passed them outside were by the mirrors. One of them was readjusting her dress while the other one was just sitting by the side of the washbowl. None of them even looked her way as she walked in. She used one of the stalls and thought she dozed off for a few but when she came out the girls were still in the same positions. She rinsed out her mouth before even washing her hands. No amount of water made the taste of Okeke and his man go away though so she just gave up trying.

"You were just on stage right?" Amanda asked the girl sitting on the ledge. She nodded a little apathetic.  
"You were really good," Amanda said as she walked up to her.

The girl didn't say anything. Amanda reached up and touched the side of her face.

"You look a bit like an old friend of mine," Amanda said, "I used to dance with her. She taught me a lot. Maybe you've danced with her too? She used to work for Kee, her name's Sierra."

The girl just seemed to look straight through her.

"She has danced with her," the other girl said behind her back though.  
"You have Ash," the girl said when both Amanda and the girl turned to look at her, "it was just a month or so ago. Seriously girl, you need to clear your head or you're going to follow her."  
"Follow Sierra? She changed place right?" Amanda said following the other girl over to where the paper towels were.  
"Aha," the girl said.  
"Do you know where? I haven't spoken to her in a while you see…"

The girl turned and gave her a suspicious look.

"Can you just tell me… is she okay?" Amanda felt tears prickling her eyes, "I just want to know she's okay."  
"I just don't know okay," the girl said softening up a little.  
"Do you know anyone who would know?"  
"Kee…," the girl answered and a crocked smile formed over her face as she continued, "and his crew, but I wouldn't really ask them."  
"No, of course not…" Amanda said a little sad folding her eyes down. She saw the girls heels come in her sight as she stepped closer.  
"Simone might know," she said and Amanda immediately looked up, "she's the one with the hot pink dress, pierced eyebrow. They were pretty close. She might know which place Kee moved her to."  
"Thanks, thank you so much," Amanda said and hugged the girl. The girl laughed a bit nervously.

Amanda went out, her eyes immediately starting to search the room for a hot pink dress. She saw her over in the seating area, next to one of Okeke's men. She headed back over but Anton got up out of the couch and blocked her way.

"I want to see you on stage," he said vindictive. Amanda clenched her jaw but then tried to think.  
"The sooner I find what I came for the sooner we can get out of here okay?"

She could tell he was thinking it over.

"You can treat me like a whore. I can put up a fight. I'll do whatever you want me to," she said to win him over.

Reluctantly he let her pass and Amanda stepped pass a girl so she could have a seat next to Simone in her hot pink dress. Simone was just handed a bong that she then passed along to Amanda. The guy on the other side of Simone reached over and lit his lighter underneath to give her a good hit. She felt a slight burn as she inhaled but it eased quickly as she let the smoke out again. The girl gave her a smile and Amanda wanted to say something but she wasn't sure what to say and the girl looked away again. It didn't take long until she turned back though, this time with a joint that she offered Amanda. They passed it back and forth and soon found themselves slouched back against the couch.

"You're Simone right?" Amanda said once the joint was long gone. The girl nodded.  
"We have a mutual friend," Amanda said and Simone actually looked a bit interested.

Amanda took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling again. There were some beautiful patterns up there that made her feel calmer.

"Years ago I danced at a club. Maybe you've heard of it, Bare Assets? It's still around. I met her there. Sierra. Such an amazing performer. Captivating. We did some fun gigs together at other places too. This house out in Purchase. I guess not all was _fun_ but… you know."  
"I know…" the girl mumbled watching some different kind of patterns on the roof.  
"Do you know her? Sierra? She started working for Kee about six months ago," Amanda closed her eyes to be able to turn her head away from the beautiful patterns. She touched Simone's cheek to get her attention.

"Do you know Sierra?" she asked. The girl nodded and it made Amanda smile.  
"I _knew_ her," Simone said though and Amanda's smile faded slightly, "She's at the Dollhouse now."  
"Dollhouse?" Amanda asked and Simone nodded.  
"Where's that?" she asked but Simone shrugged.  
"I don't really know and I don't ever want to find out," the girl said and looked completely sober for a few seconds.  
"Is it… _that_ bad?" Amanda guessed. Simone didn't answer or make a face but Amanda was a little grateful for that, knowing for sure would probably just upset her more.  
"Do you wanna make out?" Simone asked. Amanda thought about it.  
"Maybe later?" she answered.

Simone nodded before she turned her head up at the roof again. Amanda watched the side of her face for a while but then managed to somehow magically sit up. She spotted Andy across the table, he was watching her, looked like he had been for a while. She couldn't spot Anton. Okeke, his guys and some girls were all slouched back, there was a murmur between them so she knew they weren't all asleep. There was a single girl dancing on stage. No one was watching her and she looked really bored up there. Amanda spotted Anton behind the bar, he seemed to be looking for a certain bottle.

She made an attempt to get up but had to try one more time before she managed to actually get on her feet. She tried picturing a line on the floor over to the bar and did her best to follow it.

"Anton?" she said once she reached the bar. He shot a glance over his shoulder but then turned back immediately. She got that he was still pissed but she still made her way around the bar.

"Anton, please?" she tried when he wouldn't look at her even when she stood right next to him. He looked more interested in the bottles than in her. He finally turned to look at her, gave her a degrading look from head to toe and back up again.

"Please what?" he asked unengaged.  
"I'm sorry for... upsetting you. They didn't really give me a choice and I didn't want to cause a scene okay?"

He shook his head in disbelief and started going through the bottles again. He seemed to find one he liked and turned to pour himself a glass.

"Anton," she said and forced herself in between him and the bar. She put her thigh deliberately between his legs, shifted weight between her feet to cause friction between them. When he no longer looked like he wanted to kill her she put her hands on his chest, started playing with his chains.

"You've been to… his club before right?" she started carefully. She didn't want him to think she blamed him for leaving that part out earlier.  
"Have you ever been to The Dollhouse?"  
"The what?" he asked and looked honestly unfamiliar with the name.  
"I think Sierra is at a place called The Dollhouse," she said studying his face.  
"You would tell me if you'd ever been there right?" she asked putting on her sweetest face.  
"I dunno if I'd tell _you_ anything," he said a bit malicious.

She didn't care what he said though, she could feel he was softening up, or rather the opposite. She let her hands go down his chest, went along his belt and then grabbed a hold of some fabric on either side of him so she could pull him a little further in against her thigh. She gave him a cheeky smile.

"I promise you… that I will make it worth your while," she whispered right in front of his face. She wet her lips as she could tell he was looking at them.  
"And I'm… up for that kinky stuff," she kept her seductive voice, "I know quite a few tricks myself."  
"I bet you do," he smirked.  
"I'm gonna show you…"

She got interrupted as he suddenly lifted her up on the bar. He stepped right in between her legs and grabbed a hold of her ass so he could push her forward against him. His lips crashed down on hers and his tongue went immediately for her throat.

"How about you show me right now," he suggested once he let her mouth go. His hands were underneath her skirt already and he was pulling at her panties, getting them down over her hips.

"Not here…" she breathed putting her hands on his chest again. She tried to spread her legs to make it harder for him to pull her panties down even further.  
"Oh c'mon…" he grunted, "You're just a fucking tease aren't you."

She grabbed a hold of his shirt when he tried to back up and she put her other hand down on his crotch as he stepped back in to her.

"I keep my promises Anton," she said seriously as she took a handful of him. She put her lips on his but this time took possession of his mouth. That way she could end it after a few seconds.

"You haven't been to the Dollhouse?" she asked. He hesitated but then shook his head.  
"But you can help me find out where it's at right?" she said with begging eyes. Again he looked reluctant but she'd kept his hand on him and she started stroking him. She had to restrain herself from grinning too much when his face soften again. For a successful club owner and apparent crook he was surprisingly easy to persuade.

"The moment we get that information we can get out of here," she whispered, letting her breath caress his cheek.

She glanced over her shoulder over at the company in the seating area.

"This party is dying anyway," she smiled, letting her lips brush by the side of his mouth. He pulled her down from the bar a little roughly, grabbed her in one hand and the bottle and two glasses in the other. She tried to keep up as Anton dragged her out from behind the bar and headed straight over to Okeke.

"Hey Kee," he said as they got closer.

He kept his voice low though, Amanda had already figured out he had respect for Okeke. Okeke sat up slightly.

"Do you mind?" Anton asked and held up the bottle.  
"No, go right ahead," Okeke said with a shrug. Anton stepped past a few people sitting on the couch and Amanda tagged along. Anton sat down and pulled her down with him.  
"Put your girl over here instead," Okeke said patting the seat next to him.

Anton seemed cautious but then he cocked his head at her to move over. She was a little wobbly standing up but managed to step over Anton and landed on the couch next to Okeke. His hand was on her thigh immediately, coming up high on the inside of her thigh.

"Your girl give great head man," Okeke grinned as Anton sat down.  
"Yeah yeah," Anton tried to brush it over, swallowing his pride.

Okeke looked doped up but he seemed to want to antagonize Anton and Amanda felt a little worried he would be able to. She saw Anton's eyes glance over at Okeke's hand but was thankful when Anton finally grabbed a hold of the bottle he'd brought over.

"I tell you Kee, you have some really good stuff over there," Anton said.  
"I got all the good stuff," Kee smiled squeezing Amanda's leg, "just ask your girl just what I got."

Kee chuckled. Amanda saw Anton's knuckles whitening as he griped the bottle harder. She wished her head was clearer, that she knew what to do because the only thing she knew was that this wasn't going to end up pretty if she couldn't stop it. She knew something that had worker earlier and she put her arm around him so she could rest her chin against his shoulder.

"My man got some good stuff too," she said looking at Anton, "I only pick the ones that pack big. The ones who knows how to satisfy me."

She'd felt Okeke's hand sliding off her and she saw some admiration and a bit of excitement in Anton's eyes.

"This is not cheap stuff," Anton said and managed to tear his eyes off her.  
"This brand is from Nicaragua did you know?" he asked Okeke who shrugged why lighting a joint.  
"You know your rum brother," Okeke said blowing out smoke that he'd held in his throat for a while.  
"I know the good kind and you have it Kee," Anton said and held out the bottle as to ask if he could pour him some.

Okeke gave him a nod and Anton filled a glass that he handed to him. Okeke handed his joint to Amanda who tried to not inhale too deeply, she was already feeling really groggy. Anton poured up another glass as Kee had a taste.

"Not bad right?" Anton smiled as he could tell Kee liked what he tasted. As Anton had a taste Kee emptied his glass and put it down in front of Anton to get a refill. Amanda could see Anton clenching his jaw a little, he didn't like to be handled like a servant. Amanda took another drag to calm her nerves a little. She put her hand on Anton's thigh and started caressing him to make him relax some. He threw a glance her way right before he poured Okeke some more rum, this time filling the glass up a bit more than previously.

"So Kee," Anton said after putting his glass together with Okeke's, "I've been to your club and you certainly provide… some excellent services. I was just thinking… do you have something else, maybe something even… _kinkier_?"

Okeke had another taste from his glass and then leaned over Amanda to get a drag from the joint. He then turned to the guy next to him and slapped his knee to get him to sit up. The guy started up the cooker on the table again.

"So you want kinkier eh?" Okeke grinned looking at Anton.  
"It's nice to change things up you know," Anton grinned right back.  
"For you and the lady or just you?"  
"For me mostly."  
"Well I might have something for you," Okeke said as he thread that silicone tourniquet over his hand again and rolled it up his thick arm.  
"I got this place, DH, it's gritty as hell. You sure you can stomach it white boy?" Okeke grinned at him.  
"I think I can," Anton said staying calm.

Okeke took a prepared needle from his guy and used the back of his hand to find a vein in his arm. Anton finished his drink while watching Okeke shoot up, Amanda took another drag from the joint.

"So DH," Anton said once Okeke had loosened his tourniquet and relaxed back on the couch, "Where can I find it?"

Okeke's hand started fumbling on the couch and when he found Amanda's leg he pulled it up over his lap and started running his nails up and down her thigh. She gave Anton a scares look.

"This rush, nothing like it," Okeke mumbled with closed eyes.  
"Yeah, good shit," Anton agreed a little standoffish, "So Kee, DH? You think I can pay it a visit? Do I need an invite?"  
"Yeah you do," Okeke said and again slapped the leg of the guy next to him. The guy pulled something out of his back pocket and rose up a little to hand it over to Anton. Anton thanked the guy by cocking his head slightly and then looked the card over that he'd been handed. It looked like a credit card but was completely black. Except for the letters DH engraved in gold up in one of the corners.

"So…" Anton said a bit curiously.  
"That will get you in but you will still have to pay, it is not cheap but you won't be disappointed," Okeke said still relaxed back and fondling Amanda's leg.  
"Okay, and where is it at?"  
"The club is called Allure," Okeke said and gave them an address, "you show the card, discretely," Okeke even opened an eye to make a firm point of the discretion needed, "to the bartender. Someone will bring you down."  
"Bring me down?"  
"It's in the basement, very hush-hush. Very exclusive."  
"Can I go whenever?" Anton asked.  
"As long as you have the card you get in."  
"Can it get pulled? I mean if I…"  
"Don't worry, pretty much everything is allowed down there. As long as you pay for it. The bigger mess you make the more you just pay," Okeke started laughing.

Anton chuckled too but Amanda didn't find it as amusing knowing Sierra might be down in that place. That hellhole. She grabbed for Anton's arm, made eye contact hoping to get out of there now. She knew she would probably not be able to slip away from Anton once they got out but the sooner they left the sooner it would be over with. She didn't fear the pain he would probably cause her, she feared more how he would react to her scars. _Maybe that would get him turned off her though? Maybe he wouldn't want to touch her then?_

He gave her a short nod to affirm he knew what she wanted. Amanda took another drag from the joint before she prepared to leave.

"So Kee, thank so much for this," Anton said waving the card around a bit before he put it down in his pocket, "and for tonight. We had a great time. You stop by my club any time and I'll try to…"  
"No don't leave yet," Okeke said grabbing on to Amanda's leg just as she was about to remove it, "you need to try this first."

Okeke sat up and slapped his guy again. Amanda grabbed a hold of Anton's thigh, getting a bit anxious. She managed to sit up, sliding her leg out of Okeke's lap.

"I don't do needles," she whispered.  
"You'll make an exception," Okeke said watching his guy work over the cooker, "this is pure shit, can't let it go to waste."

Amanda looked to Anton but he looked willing to proceed. She tried to catch his eyes but his eyes were fixed on the cooker. Okeke handed Anton the tourniquet and he willingly thread it around his arm. Amanda took a nervous drag from the joint. She'd somehow managed to stay away from needles before even though she'd been around them. As she watched Anton slap his arm for a good vein she kept hoping she would be able to avoid it herself. Okeke passed the needle over right in front of her. Amanda kept her eyes on Anton, sucking on the joint as Okeke started touching her. He stroke her hair back, fingered her earlobe, let his fingers run down her neck while glancing over at Anton as he injected the drugs. Anton loosened the tourniquet and waited for the effect. He started laughing as he felt it, Okeke reaching over to take the needle out of his hand as his eyes rolled back slightly.

"Good shit right," Okeke laughed handing the needle back to his guy.  
"They can share," Okeke told his guy as he hesitated filling the same needle up again.

Okeke reached back over and helped Anton get the tourniquet off.

"And now the white girl," Okeke said grabbing for Amanda's arm.  
"I really don't want to," she said though trying to keep her arm to herself.  
"Oh c'mon, you'll love it," Okeke said and roughly grabbed a hold of her arm.

Amanda caught Andy's eyes across the table, he looked troubled but when her distraught eyes asked for help he just turned his head away. Okeke had already put the silicone noose over her hand and started to roll up her sleeve. He stopped though and took a closer look at her hand. He grinned when he caught her eyes and then kept going.

"I don't want to," she whispered even though he wouldn't listen.  
"It's gonna be okay little girl," he mocked slightly and then pulled her arm over to him so he could tighten the tourniquet high up. He slapped the bend of her arm a few times.

"You're going to love it," he grinned as he was handed the needle. She made another attempt to pull her arm back.  
"Hey Anton, your girl is being willful here," Okeke grunted.  
"She always is," Anton laughed, his eyes droopy.  
"Help out then," Okeke said impatient.

Anton turned slightly, put a hand on Amanda's chest and pushed her back on the couch. His hand moved up to her throat and he held her down as he rolled over and came down above her.

"It's great, you're going to love it," he grinned before he put his mouth over hers.

She tried to withdraw her arm but felt the needle hit her and heard Okeke curse. The grip harden around her arm as the needle punctured her skin again. She felt panic through her entire body as Anton deprived her from air and her arm got held down even harder. She whimpered in to Anton's mouth as her arm started burning. She felt her arm getting let go and the noose loosen. Anton started licking the roof of her mouth for some reason but she was unable to move even though she was more or less free. She waited for some effect but nothing happened.

"Okay we're out of here," Anton said getting up. He slapped Okeke's extended fist and thanked him again for a great night. As Amanda wasn't moving Anton pulled her up. Just as she got up on her feet something kicked in and she exhaled deeply as her entire body got warm. Anton had her in a steady grip, put her body in front of him and started to walk her out from the seating area. Andy had already gotten to his feet, waiting a few steps away, keeping a close eye on Amanda whose eyes were big as plates.

"This is going to be so great," Anton whispered right by her ear, his hands going down her body pushing her in to him as they kept walking.

She wasn't sure how her legs were moving cause as far as she knew she had none. Looking at Andy she saw something growing out of his skull and his entire head started changing in to a bug's head. Antennas were sticking out, big round shinny eyes, something dripping from fangs. She pulled away from him but Anton only took it as her being eager to get out of there and he hurried right along. They met a guy walking in as they left and Amanda gasped for air as he had the complete set of bug characteristic as Andy just had. She started hearing a hissing sound and she saw snakes coming at them from all around.

"Slow down," Anton laughed as they got out on the street.  
"I'm gonna call a ride," Andy told Anton. He'd already dialed as a cab ride probably wouldn't be a good idea right now.  
"We'll just be over there making out," Anton said gesturing across the street. Amanda was pulling at his hand.

"I'm coming baby, I'm coming," Anton said. He didn't mind her being eager, he was feeling frisky as hell. When he tried to wheel her in she struggled though and he got a little annoyed. He pulled at her arm roughly and she spun around to face him.

Amanda felt as though she was fumbling in the dark. There was nothing but hissing but she couldn't see the snakes, she just knew they were there though and she knew they would get her if she didn't keep moving. Something made her spin around and her scream got stuck in her throat as she saw the giant snakehead bobbing in front of her. She turned back around, tripped and fell. And she just kept falling.

**The guards were, unfortunately** for Fin, good at their job and had him in such a grip they were able to pull him out of her hospital room. They caused quite a ruckus, staff and patients gathering out in the hallway to see what was going on. Fin shouted out of both anger and desperation but as the guards were busy controlling him they couldn't pay attention to what he tried to tell them.

Thankfully the scrawny looking uniform managed to grab the ear of the nurse and told her the detective might not be wrong. The patient they had in their hospital bed had been the victim of a notorious serial killer and tortured while held captive. He pointed out to the nurse that her scars were noted on her admittance chart.

The nurse got down on her knee in front of Fin who had been put down on the floor by the guards who started to become really exhausted holding on to the big man. She managed to quiet them all down and she pinned her eyes on Fin.

"I get that you think your partner is hurting by the restraints but I can't jeopardize either my patient's health or the safety of my staff," she tried to explain as calmly but firmly as possible.

Fin's chest rose and sank heavily as he tried to calm down. He had to gather his thoughts right now cause this method clearly wasn't working for him.

"I'll take responsibility," he said trying to swallow his frustration so she would take him seriously, "just give me the room, put the mattress on the floor and I will take care of her myself."  
"Please," he added as he could tell he was getting to the nurse.  
"I will have to run it by a doctor," she said calmly after giving it some thought, "will you keep calm long enough for me to do that?"

He'd already felt the guard's grip on him ease slightly and it eased even more as he nodded.

"Okay, hang tight, I'll do it asap," the nurse said and hurried to her feet.

**About an hour later** a rather distraught Liv burst through the same doors as Fin had entered a little earlier. She flashed her badge.

"I'm looking for my detective, Amanda Rollins?" she told a nurse and got gestured further down the hall.  
"Amanda Rollins?" she asked another nurse further down and once she'd flashed her badge again she got escorted to a room.  
"Thank you," Liv said and took a deep breath before she entered the room.

Her hair was still wet and she was pretty sure she'd forgotten to put on socks but all that was trivial. She'd found a text from Fin as she stepped out of the shower. All it said was that he was in the ER with Amanda and that they wouldn't be in. She'd obviously tried to call him but he wasn't picking up. Thankfully he'd added which emergency room so she headed straight there after tossing on some clothes. Stepping in she had no idea what had happened or what she would walk in to. Any scenario in her head could prepare her for what she saw though.

On a thin mattress by the wall she saw her two detectives. Fin was sitting up on one end of it. Amanda, dressed in a hospital gown that was twisted and clung to her tiny frame, was lying down with her head in his lap. He had her face in his hands, eyes fixed on his partner. One hand was moving slightly, stroking back hair. Liv heard a slight murmur, he was talking to her so silently she couldn't hear what he was saying.

When she finally let the door go behind her, Fin got aware of her presence and looked up with tired eyes.

"Liv," he breathed and his stiff shoulders dropped slightly.  
"What happened?" she whispered hurrying forward. She got down on her knees right behind Amanda's back.  
"It's… all fucked up Liv," he said and sounded completely defeated.

Liv had trouble taking it all in. She saw raw skin on Amanda's knees, ankles and elbows. Her hands seemed shoved in to… socks? Liv figured it was because of the claw marks she could see both on Amanda's and Fin's arms but she couldn't for her life figure out why Amanda would do that. Liv had been able to see Amanda's body was more rigid than relaxed on the mattress but now she seemed to seizure and Liv held her breath in terror. Amanda's toes curled up as she convulsed, noises coming out of her throat that freaked Liv out.

Fin kept calm though, started stroking her hair again and whispered;

"Just relax Amanda, listen to the sound of my voice. You are safe. Relax your muscles. Focus on my voice Amanda. You're in a hospital room. You are safe. There's nothing but you and I in a room. Nothing here is going to hurt you. Just try and relax Amanda."

Liv couldn't believe it but she could see it actually worked. Amanda started to relax. It went slowly but the tension left her body. Liv could feel it too as she'd put a light hand on her arm. Even through the gown she could feel how cold Amanda was.

"She's freezing," she whispered with concern.

Fin took a deep breath that ended with a long sigh.

"She won't let me put the blanket over her," he said cocking his head to a blanket that was tossed to one side of the mattress, "she freaks out every time I try to put it over her. Even just parts of her."  
"What happened to her Fin?"

Fin swallowed, giving Liv a quick look. Liv didn't know how to read the guilt in his eyes. He shook his head looking back down. She saw him swipe a hand underneath his eye and then he cleared his throat a little.

"She told me she was meeting up with an old friend last night. But I guess she… lied. I dunno what happened but she was found wandering the streets at 3 am, acting… crazy and became violent as the police was called to the scene. A nurse was in a while ago, they couldn't sedate her until they knew what was in her system. But what wasn't in her system? Any of those drugs could've had her tripping. And her alcohol level was 0,12."  
"Oh fuck Fin…" Liv mumbled. She tried to take it all in still but it was just too much.  
"So she's sedated now?" she asked and Fin nodded.  
"What happened before she was sedated?" Liv asked and let her fingers run carefully over a couple of fresh claw marks on his arm. Fin just shook his head though, he clearly didn't want to talk about it and she figured it could wait.  
"How long will she be like this?" Liv asked knowing Fin probably knew as he'd worked narcotics. He clearly knew how to handle Amanda right now, the claw marks probably inevitable for anyone taking someone on in this state.

Fin sighed again and opened Amanda's eyes up. Liv leaned in to have a look. All she saw was whites, Amanda's eyes were rolled up in her head.

"The fits are becoming less intense and at times I think she actually hears me but a trip can last up to 12 hours…"  
"You look exhausted Fin, let me take over," Liv begged. He immediately shook his head though.  
"No, I'm not leaving her," he said firmly.  
"Then at least let me help out," she said, "Stretch your legs for a bit, let me take her."

Fin looked reluctant to but then finally stirred a little, carefully lifting up her head so he could scoot out from underneath her. Liv slid closer so she could get her lap underneath her head instead.

"Just… talk to her if you feel her tense up," he said with a frail voice, "I've seen it help before and it seems to help her some. She's… you know stuck in her head. God knows what she's been seeing in there. It was something out of the Exorcist when I got here."

Fin had stood up by now and stretched his arms up in the air. He bent his body back and forth a bit but his back seemed to bother him.

"They had her restrained, probably didn't help at all," he grunted.

Liv didn't say anything, she figured the ER had a reason to restrain her and judging by the marks on both him and Amanda herself she probably should've stayed in the restraints a while longer.

"What?" Liv asked as she spotted Fin's eyes glancing over her way more than Amanda's.  
"She just didn't go out and score drugs Liv, you can't think that. This is… I dunno what it is but she was worried about this girl she met back then, this dancer. She thought something had happened to her and I dunno but maybe she went looking for her. I mean that has to be it. I've tried to ask her but she's just not responsive and then she starts moaning about some dollhouse I dunno what's going on right now but you have to believe me something must be going on."

"What?" it was Fins turn to ask. He'd stopped pacing and caught Liv looking at her with doubtful eyes.  
"There are some things you don't know Fin," she said reluctantly. She didn't think this was the right time or place but she couldn't keep it from him either.

"What don't I know?" he said sitting back down by their side.  
"While you were gone Fin, something happened… she got herself really, and I mean _really_ drunk. Thankfully Eli picked her up. And before that… she went to see Anton."  
"Anton? Goodwin?" Fin asked shocked.  
"Golov but yeah," Liv admitted.  
"W-w…" he looked down at Amanda trying to put words to all the questions in his head.  
"Why would she do that?" he finally managed to ask.  
"She said she didn't know why."  
"That doesn't make any sense," Fin said in disbelief.  
"I honestly don't think it made to her either. We don't always know how we will react to… I mean everything she's been through back then and then Lucas and revisiting all that happened. I should've handled it all better, made sure she wasn't pushed… too far," Liv's eyes dropped to Amanda's face.

The guilt was riding her hard. Fin could tell and even though he was still stunned learning all this after the events of the morning he put a caring hand on Liv's shoulder. She looked up and tried giving him a smile. He removed the hand quickly feeling that he was close to breaking right now and that couldn't happen .

"I just can't believe all this…" he started but didn't know how to finish it.

They both sat in silence for a while. One of Amanda's arms started cramping and Liv reached out to stroke it all while calmly telling her to relax. She whispered that she was safe but putting that out there made Liv's eyes tear up. Truth was she didn't know Amanda was safe, that they could keep her safe from whatever was happening right now.

Liv finally talked Fin in to go getting a coffee and stretch his legs properly. He did go out but came back only minutes later, he just couldn't stay away. Amanda kept tensing up from time to time but Fin's method seemed to work. Fin took a quick bathroom break before he came back and made it obvious he wanted to regain his partners care again. This time he got further up on the mattress so he could rest his back against the wall and he pulled Amanda with him. Liv was impressed yet again just how good he was with his partner. He managed to move her efficiently but still with great care, making sure he didn't even hurt a strand of hair on her head. Liv moved up with them slightly, helping out to pull at Amanda's gown a little so it covered the unflattering underpants the hospital had provided her with.

Liv let her hand run down Amanda's leg, her fingers stopping briefly by a bruise that was starting to form on her thigh. Looking her over from this new angle Liv spotted a bruise on her neck again, and another one high up on her arm.

"Did they… run other tests on her?" Liv asked carefully. Fin gave her a look. Liv hoped she wouldn't have to spell it out what she was hinting at.  
"They… thought about it but she was in no state to really… do it," Fin said after clearing his throat, "She's banged up obviously but there's no… nothing that indicates that she was…"

He had to collect himself before he continued.

"I guess I'll have to ask later though. They've cleaned her up some, the scrapes and all…"

Liv just nodded, didn't want to push it. They both sat there for some time, helping out to calm Amanda down every time she started stirring. Liv had just started to think about heading in to the station for a while, she hated having obligations right now. The door opened though and a nurse stepped inside, putting her back against the door with an awkward look on her face.

"I'm sorry but there's a lieutenant Tucker out there, he's a bit persistent, wants to talk to detective Rollins but…"

Liv shot Fin a nervous look.

"I'll…" Liv started but couldn't say 'deal with it' as she wasn't sure she could.  
"I'll go," she said instead and got up.

She stumbled a little, her legs falling asleep underneath her and she made sure she could walk properly before she walked out to Tucker. The nurse had patiently waited by the door and walked out with her. Tucker was right outside, looking a bit surprised to see Liv but then curiosity won and he tried looking over her shoulder. Liv deliberately stepped in his way and gestured for them to walk down the hallway. Liv thanked the nurse as she hurried by them.

"She overdosed," Tucker said after just a couple of steps. The grin over his face creped Liv out but also made her angry.  
"No she didn't," Liv corrected him facing him straight on.  
"I've seen the tox report, you can't wiggle your way out of this one. Your detective messed up. Again. This one will cost her."

Liv felt like wiping that smug grin of his face with her fists but she knew she had to contain herself. Physically roughing him up right now would not help Amanda one bit.

"Tucker, you know what she's been through. What happened just recently that has set some… destructive motions in spin. She's vulnerable…" Liv hesitated as she saw the grin only spreading across his face.

He was enjoying this too much and she had to fight hard to not punch him.

"I could try pleading to that insignificant heart you must be hiding deep within somewhere but I can see it won't get me anywhere…" she said through a clinched jaw not able to stop herself from giving him a verbal punch. Tucker wiped his mouth looking down the hallway for a few seconds. It looked more as he was trying to cover up a laughter more than getting crossed and that only angered her more. He was still grinning as he faced her again but he did try and subdue it.

"I can make it go away," he said.

Liv's eyes narrowed. She knew there had to be a hitch and Tucker couldn't wait to lay it out there for her.

"Let me use her for the UC assignment and I'll cover this mess. Give her a few days of suspension pending a further investigation. Make it believable. I'll use the time to put her in this guy's path again. Once it's over I'll tell 1PP it was all part of the sting. There were never any real drugs, just a detective helping out to bring some very bad cops down."

Liv was fuming inside but tried to calm down. She had to think. There was just no way she could make this go away on her own. Amanda's career was ruined right now. Tucker might be her only chance.

"You know I'm right," Tucker said, "I can be her savior. Let me."

Liv glared at him. _He her savior_? She recalled someone else who thought he was Amanda's savior. Tucker using those exact same words sent a shiver down her spine. _Amanda would once again have to dance with the devil? What would that do to her? _

"Benson?" Tucker brought her out of her thoughts.  
"Okay," Benson mumbled, "but I want to see the assignment. I want full access and daily briefings and a heads up as things go down."

Tucker's eyes narrow now.

"Okay," he said, face easing up, "but only you. No one else in your squad can know. Will you make her available to talk to in the morning?"

Liv felt as they were playing some game. Putting pawns out there to be used. Abused. Liv nodded.

"Good, I can't wait," Tucker smiled, "Till then sergeant."

He tipped his head politely and walked away. Liv unclenched her fists and sighed deeply. The situation was bad but now it felt even worse. Unfortunately she just couldn't see any other way out of this. She took a few deep breaths and then headed back inside.

She hurried forward a bit as Fin was tending to a Amanda who had turned over on the mattress and was in obvious distress. Her breathing was strained and she was clutching at something in the air in front of her. Fin was holding her down with a firm arm, his mouth right by her ear trying to talk her down. He seemed to be succeeding as Amanda was already calmer once Liv reached the temporary hospital bed.

Liv felt tears dwell up in her eyes as she watched Amanda clutch at the mattress with her fabric-covered hands. Even in this state she avoided Liv's touch when she tried to just calm her down by stroking the top of her hands.

"What did he want?" Fin asked once Amanda had been calmer for a while.

Liv wasn't sure what to say, words getting stuck in her throat every time she thought she knew what to say.

"He's coming after her right?" Fin guessed.  
"It's even more complicated than that," she sighed.

He gave her a puzzled look, sitting back up again as he felt it safe to let Amanda go again.

"He wants her for a UC operation, apparently her _unruly_ behavior lately makes her a perfect candidate for this vigilante cop," Liv said shaking her head slightly.  
"She can't… do that, be UC now, there's just no way Liv," Fin said not believing she would ever agree to something that absurd.  
"We don't have a choice Fin," she said and kept talking as she could tell he was going to object, "She's put herself in a mess. You can't pretend that's not the truth."

With a hallucinating Amanda between them he couldn't really deny it. Amanda had come down but her jaw was moving, like she tried to say something but no sound was coming out. Her hands were still slowly threading against the mattress making the socks slide further and further off her.

"It's UC or her career, he's not giving her, or me, a choice. And you shouldn't even know about it, you will have to stay quiet about it. No one can know."  
"What does he want her to do?" Fin asked with his eyes on Amanda.  
"I guess… just _act_ messed up until that cop make contact."  
"Then what?"

Liv sighed brushing a strand of hair behind Amanda's ear. One of the socks had dropped off her hand completely. Liv tried sliding her hand in underneath hers. Her palm was warm against Liv's.

"I just don't know," Liv whispered hoping Amanda would clutch her hand. That she would finally take it. But she didn't.


	13. Chapter 13: Battlefield

Big congrats to Kelli, Ice &amp; Peter. So many SVU babies :)  
Foul language warning on this chapter. Cops can just be so crude, Tucker especially.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Battlefield**

* * *

"_When we were children, we used to think that when we grew up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability, to be alive is to be vulnerable._" ~ **Madeleine L'Engle**

* * *

When Liv finally walked in to the squad room Nick and Keith had already been stuck at their desks for a few hours. His partners' empty desks hadn't gone unnoticed by Nick, nor had the fact that their sergeant was missing. He'd tried to reach Liv when she still wasn't in an hour after shift was supposed to start. No answer but he got a text about half an hour after he'd called. It was short and just informed him that she would be in 'in a while' whatever that meant.

He already sensed something was up and seeing his boss walk in looking pale, like she'd thrown on clothes and with no piles of paper or a bag in her arms he knew for sure something was up. She also lacked that stressed bounce in her walk, looking like she dragged her feet by them as she shot them a faint smile while apologizing for being so late. She didn't stop but just kept dragging her feet by their desks and in to her office.

Nick exchanged a concerned look with Keith before he got up and caught up with Liv.

"What's going on?" he asked and she threw him a look over her shoulder.

She looked like she was going to say something but then she just as fast closed her lips shut again. She was left standing by the side of her desk looking a little bewildered for a few seconds until she managed to snap out of it. She pulled her trench coat off her shoulders and hung it on the back of her chair before she had a seat behind her desk. She looked around her desk, again looking a bit out of loss, but then turned sideways to get her phone out of her pocket.

"Liv? What's going on?" he had to ask again as it was obvious his boss was completely disorganized and if nothing had happened then he had to come to the conclusion she was having a stroke or something.

Liv looked at him again and his concerned face brought tears back to her eyes. She closed her hands in front of her mouth trying to bite down all the emotions threatening to take her over.

"Liv," he said with great concern and had a seat on the other side of her desk.

She looked deep in to his eyes and all she really wanted to do was unburden her heart and tell him where Amanda was right this minute and which state she was in. It was a burden she wouldn't mind sharing but it felt like betraying Amanda and they still had a lot of things to sort out with Tucker and this UC operation.

"Liv," Nick urged.  
"I'm okay Nick," she said looking down shaking her head slightly, "I've just had a rough morning okay."

Nick's eyes narrowed, he wasn't really buying it.

"Really," she said exhaling, "I'll be fine."

He watched her for a bit. He felt sad that she wouldn't share whatever it was that had her this shattered and he felt a fraction of betrayal that she didn't trust him enough to open up to him.

"Where's Fin and Rollins?" he asked when Liv tried to avert the eye contact by checking her phone. She'd forgotten her agenda and everything else at home when she rushed out this morning.

"They're… out," she said trying to come up with something to say, "I sent them out on an assignment."

She knew she wasn't really selling it but it had to do for now. She still hadn't worked out what to do with the suspension and everything Tucker had suggested.

She was forced to look at him when he just sat there in silence and she didn't have anything else to try to pretend to be occupied with. She copied him and raised her eyebrows as well.

"Is there something I can do?" he asked.  
"No, no," Liv sighed, "Thank you, I wish there was but unfortunately there's nothing either of us can do…"

She shook her head and raised her hand, trying her best to smile just to erase what she'd just said.

"Just close these cases we're working on and that will be more than enough," she smiled.  
"Nothing new come in overnight?" he asked.

She exhaled looking around her desk at nothing.

"No," she said and a laugh sneaked out, "I guess not."

She'd forgot to go by the desk to see if anything had come in for her and no one had stopped her on the way up so she'd walked in empty handed. Nick looked reluctant to leave but finally got up out of his chair.

"So… will Fin and Rollins be in to help out of should Keith and I just…"  
"No, you just go ahead. I'll let you know later," Liv said, "thanks Nick."

He slowly made his way to the door.

"You want me to…" he asked when he finally reached the door.  
"Yeah please, close it," Liv said shooting him a smile with the last of her reserves.

She felt a bit relieved once the door was closed and she could just drop the act. Looking around her desk she had no idea what to do. She had no computer, no agenda, no files. She probably had meetings she should already have attended, people she should've called but right not all that seemed unimportant. She felt completely useless and like the worst boss in the world. _How could she have let it escalate this far? She'd seen the decline, the inappropriate behavior. And she didn't see this UC operation as an end to it all. She remembered back to that time when she'd been so angry over the fact Cragen had sent Amanda in to interrogate the man that had assaulted her, that had nearly killed her. It had blown her mind that Cragen could allow something like that to take place and here she was, saying yes to Tucker using her detective when it was so bluntly not a good idea. _She felt like crying and grabbed for her phone. She rested her head in her hand while listening to the ring tones, begging silently for him to pick up.

"Liv?" he answered after the fourth ring and although it was all she'd wished for it still made a tear escape her eye.  
"Yeah, it's me," she whispered.  
"What's wrong?" he asked immediately sensing something was off.  
"It's… just a mess Eli," she said keeping her voice low so it wouldn't crack, "I dunno how to help her."  
"What happened?" he asked figuring he knew who she was talking about.  
"I can't really talk about it here," she said glancing out at the squad room.  
"Okay, then meet me," he said.  
"You can't…" she felt blessed but she just didn't feel right about pulling him off work just because she was having a meltdown.  
"Let me decide that. Where can we meet?"  
"I forgot all my stuff at home…" she mumbled.  
"Great, your place then. Have you eaten?"  
"…" she sighed.  
"I take that as a no, I'll pick something up. Go now."  
"I just got here, I can't…"  
"You're the boss," he interrupted her.  
"Don't remind me…" she mumbled.  
"Liv," he said firmly, "Get out of there now and I'll meet you at your place. I'll see you soon. I love you."

He hung up before she had a chance to say something. He didn't even give her a chance to say it back to him but she knew he didn't doubt she did. He was one of few she'd been with who didn't need to be assured every other minute and it was just one of many qualities she loved about him. Right now she couldn't wait to see him and tell him that in person.

**By noon Amanda had** calmed down so much they could arrange a more comfortable sleeping arrangement for her. They wheeled in the bed again and while Fin held Amanda in his arms they put the mattress back where it belonged but changing the bedding while they were at it.

It had been a wise decision to wheel it out of there though. He'd been able to talk her down as he removed the restraints but as soon as her feet were loose as well she'd gotten in to a fit and before he'd been able to get to her she'd tore the heart monitor off and rumble through the room in a state of panic.

He'd been forced to physically restrain her while the medical staff wheeled everything they could out of the room, leaving the mattress on the floor as requested. The nurse had stayed behind even though he'd screamed at her to leave as well. He didn't like anyone to see the tears that he couldn't prevent from leaking from his eyes and that he couldn't wipe away as he had to focus all strength and attention to containing Amanda. She was still going in to wild fits and her body was constantly wired. It was exhausting just feeling how tense she was and it was excruciating in more ways than one having to hold her down.

The nurse had ignored his huffing though and been of tremendous help as he slowly made his way over to the mattress with Amanda in his grip. She'd been the one that suggested putting socks on Amanda's hands after seeing the scratches she'd inflicted on him. They had mittens as well but the nurse guessed they might scare her as much as the restraints and Fin agreed gratefully accepting the sock idea instead.

When the nurse came back she'd also brought the classy underpants with the longer legs just to cover Amanda up a little more. The nurse apologized the tox screen was taking so long, they had staff shortage down in the lab after a stomach bug rapidly spread a few days ago. As soon as they knew what she'd taken they'd be able to sedate her though the nurse told Fin as she wiped off his already sweaty forehead. He thanked her but then tried to be respectful as he told her he'd liked to be alone with Amanda.

She had no problem with that and told Fin where he could find call buttons in case he needed assistance. She also left a cup of water for him by the side of the mattress. That cup would soon be spilled all over the room as Amanda managed to get a well-aimed kick right at it. For the next hour he had to fight her. Physically restrain her all while he tried talking calmly to her. The mattress slowly shifted towards the wall with every spin they were forced to do.

It pained him to have to restrain her, shedding more tears than he'd done in a long time and he could only hope he did a better job than the hospitals restraints had done. He questioned it though as the terror was evident all over her face. And he couldn't understand what she was saying. He could hear his own name at times but then it was something about a dollhouse and snakes. She hissed, sounding scarily much like real snakes, a phobia they both shared, and it would've surely driven him insane hadn't she stopped after the first hour.

By the time Liv got there Amanda had calmed down slightly but from time to time he was forced to pin her arms and legs to her again. He wouldn't allow her to hurt herself more than she'd already done. This stopped now. He was determined to get to the bottom with this so it would never happen again. But then Tucker had arrived and Fin had learned Amanda had gone to visit Anton? _Why? And getting drunk? And here she was doing drugs._ He had no idea what was going on.

Well some. He got what Liv said about trauma and that psychobabble that he knew Olivet fed Amanda too and that probably had some meaning but that right now didn't mean shit. All he knew was that his partner had experienced a bad trip after a night of doing a lot of drugs and alcohol and he needed answers like why and with whom.

He fingered the line taped to her arm, they had managed to hook her up to a bags of fluids. Even though cold she'd sweat something profoundly it was important to get fluids in her, the nurse had said it would help to wash out her system as well. His fingers moved over to the marks on her arm. One of them was more apparent, the vein bruised underneath her skin. He just couldn't believe she would willingly shoot up. If she had she must've been desperate to get away from whatever it was hounding her.

He'd pulled up a chair to her bed and he kept falling asleep for a few minutes at a time as he rested his head in his hands on the bed. She was resting somewhat comfortable, her eyes were still rolled back in her head and every now and then she started moaning. He kept hearing about that darn dollhouse and he felt it odd as from what he knew about her childhood she probably never owned a dollhouse and he couldn't really picture her playing with dolls at all for that matter.

All it took now to calm her down though was stroking her arm and whispering her name a few times. Then she'd rest back quietly against the pillow that he rearranged every now and then. A few hours passed but then he started seeing her blues every time she started stirring.

Ten hours after he'd received the devastating call from the ER he started seeing signs that she was really waking up. Her breathing was different, she seemed to acknowledge discomfort instead of just mental distress. He didn't like to see her in any pain but he wouldn't mind if she felt this one a little bit so she'd stay away from drugs in the future. He'd seen the catastrophic results of drugs and he refused that to be her fate.

She'd whimpered for a while, clutched her stomach slightly. He got further up on his chair, put his hand by her head so he could swipe the hair off her forehead.

"Amanda," he whispered.

Her eyes were moving under her heavy eyelids and it didn't take long until her eyelashes started fluttering. It seemed very strenuous for her to just open up her eyes but then finally they popped open. He had the biggest grin on his face but he could tell she was disoriented. A bit of panic flashed across her face as her eyes went from him around the room and then down to her arm. He put his hands over her as it looked as she was about to pull the needle.

"Hey, hey," he said, "you need that. Just relax."

She fell back against her pillow again, her breathing a bit heavy. He pushed the button by the bedframe to get the head of the bed to rise up slightly.

"Do you remember what happened last night?" he asked. She frowned slightly, tried to recall but he could tell it got her anxious.  
"You're in the hospital Amanda," he told her in case she still hadn't grasped that either, "You went out last night. Do you remember?"

She just kept frowning.

"Amanda you have a shit load of drugs in your system, and alcohol. You don't remember what happened last night?"

He'd played with the thought she could've been drugged but with the various drugs in her system it was unlikely that was the case.

"I…" she started but her throat was completely clogged up.

He reached for the glass of water on the table and helped her put the straw to her mouth. She had a mouthful but was then left fingering the straw and her eyes started twitching. They twitched with every sporadic memory that came flashing back in front of her eyes. She had thought, maybe hoped, the fragmented memories were just parts of a hideous nightmare but she was forced to come to grips with that it wasn't the case. They were all too real and she fell back against her pillow with her eyes pinched.

"Talk to me Amanda," he begged as he put the glass back on the table. It was obvious to him she was remembering at least parts of last night. He put his hand on her leg and stroked her gently over the blanket that she'd let stay on once she was on the bed.

"Hey, hey," he whispered again as she opened her eyes and tears dwelled out of them. He could tell she was struggling to keep the sadness down. He wished she didn't feel the need to but neither one of them were all that good with emotions. He reached up with his other hand and wiped some tears off the side of her face and she leaned in to his hand slightly.

"Everything will be okay," he whispered but she immediately started shaking her head as much as her body allowed her to right now. Her entire body ached but it was greatly overshadowed by the heavy burden, and guilt, riding her inside.

"I'm so sorry," she said with a hoarse voice as she looked at him.  
"You don't need to apologize…" he started but she interrupted him.  
"You don't know what I've done Fin," she managed to say before her throat closed up again.

She swallowed hard, trying to blink away some tears that bothered her but more just kept coming.

"I fucked up, big time," she said with a voice that barely carried.  
"We'll sort it out," he tried but she reached up like she was about to put her fingers on his mouth but then she seemed scared or reluctant to touch him and her hand closed to a fist as it dropped to the bed again.

"I've done some really screwed up things Fin. Not just last night."  
"I know you got drunk while I was away, it's okay…"  
"Not just that Fin," she said frowning.

She wanted to tell him everything but she was just so ashamed and she knew it would hurt him and it was the last thing she wanted. He could tell how difficult this was for her and all he wanted to do was to make it easier for her.

"Whatever it is Amanda, we'll sort it out," he said wiping her eye again before he went down to clutch her fist.  
"But I've…" she'd been about to say 'sinned' but something tore inside of her.

Her face crumbled as Simon popped up in her head. She felt Fin's hand squeeze hers and she opened up her fist to be able to wrap her hand around his. She owed him the truth and she knew she would just have to bear through it.

"I've been going out, I got really drunk and I got on a bar… dancing. I h-hooked up with strangers, I did coke a while back, drinking, I'm a mess Fin…"

He tried to take it all in with stride. He felt a sting of betrayal but most of all he felt great concern she might be going down the same path as two years ago. He knew she was flawed, hell that might even be why he loved her so much, but hearing she'd _hooked_ _up_ with strangers did hurt. He knew they weren't exclusive, that he'd been with others but deep down he was still hoping that one day it could just be the two of them so his face was sadden and she could see that.

"I'm so sorry Fin. I did all that, I'm not going to blame it away it was all me but… I feel lost, like… I dunno how to explain it but I go numb and then," she took a deep breath, tried to find the words how to describe whatever it was going on, "I don't recognize myself but that's a bit of relief and I just go with it. That sounds nuts right? I'm going nuts Fin…"

Her face crumbled again and he moved his chair further up so he could come even closer to her. He put his hand back on her head and he stroke back her hair gently.

"We'll… sort it out," he tried but it didn't come out as secure as he'd liked it to.  
"I didn't mean to hurt you, I don't mean to hurt you, I dunno what's wrong with me…"  
"Hey, hey, there's nothing wrong with you, don't say that. You've been through some serious shit Amanda, we'll deal with it, we'll find a way to deal with it. Together."  
"I ruin everything…" she whispered feeling even worse for being so self-absorbed.

She wanted to be strong for him, she owed him that but she just felt so miserable. And right now she felt very weak, both physically and mentally.

"Stop that," he said grabbing on to her cheek and she leaned in to it once she'd been able to look at him again.  
"We'll work it out, we will," he reassured her.

She wanted to believe him but she didn't. She'd screwed things up so massively she couldn't see a way back now.

"What happened last night?" he asked. He knew he probably should've waited but he was just so eager to find out. He knew there must be a reason for all this happening.

"I…," she started but folded her eyes down before she pinched them shut, bringing her hand up to try and cover up new tears that started to fall.

He let her do that for a while but then gently swiped her hand down as it wasn't necessary for her to hide from him. He got her feeling embarrassed but they were way passed that now.

"I got a lead on Sierra a while back," she managed to utter, "I asked… Anton for help."

She peeked up at Fin nervously. She wasn't sure how he would react to her going to him out of all people but he looked collected, almost like he already knew.

"He set up a meeting with this… club owner that Sierr worked for. That's where I went last night."  
"Did Anton come with?" he asked. She was a little afraid to answer that, both his voice and face hinted he was sullen.  
"Yes," she answered swallowing hard.  
"Did he hook you up with the drugs?" Fin asked through a clenched jaw.  
"No it was mostly this other club owner," she hurried to say.

She kept watching him nervously.

"Where were you?"  
"F-first at this… party I guess at this warehouse or something. Then we went to Kee's place, that's the other club owner. The coordinates should be in my phone, I put the GPS on."  
"You didn't have your phone on you when you got to the hospital Amanda," he said, his jaw loosening up slightly.  
"Oh," she whispered.  
"What happened? Did you fiend Sierra?" Fin asked as she seemed to drift in her thoughts again. She shook her head.

"No but I think I know where she's at. There's this underground club called the Dollhouse, it's in the basement of this other club. I remember the address now. We have to get her out of there Fin."

She'd worked herself up slightly, coming up off the bed.

"We will," he said wrapping her hand up in his again to calm her down a little.

Her mumbling about a dollhouse made sense to him now and it gave him some… perhaps relief that she'd done all this, the lying and sneaking and drugs, because of Sierra. It didn't explain everything she'd revealed to him but it perhaps gave some of the craziness a purpose.

"I know I screwed up but please Fin we have to get her out of there," she begged trying to keep the tears in but she couldn't keep her lip from shivering and he felt her hand shivering as well.

"We will, calm down Amanda," he begged.

He got her to rest back down again. He waited for her breathing to settle back down. He could tell she was wiped out but there were still questions he needed answers to.

"So what else happened last night?" he asked cautiously.

The face she made told him she wasn't proud of whatever had gone down. The hospital gown and needle marks had already made that bluntly clear to him though.

"Did Anton try something?" he asked.

He had a need to know exactly what Anton had done. _He hated that man, didn't even want to call him a man. When he saw Anton all he saw was his father and it angered him also that she didn't seem to hate Anton as much as he did. She shouldn't want to have anything to do with Gordon's son._

The glances she shot him made him suspect the worst and he had to fight really hard to not push harder for an answer. Her hand stirred a little in his and he realized he'd been squeezing it a little too hard. He let it go a little so he could wrap both hands around hers.

"I… I had promised him…" she whispered, "…to spend the night with him if he helped me."

She couldn't really look at him after that confession, she didn't even dare to move her hand. She could hear on his breathing he wasn't pleased.

"I used that to get him to help me out, I did some other things last night I'm not proud of either…"  
"Other than the drugs you mean?" he asked with clinched teeth. She nodded still not able to look at him.

"So… you started tripping before or after… you'd been with him?" Fin knew he might be overstepping but he had to know. The images he had in his head right now of her with Anton made him sick to his stomach. He got a look on her blues but only as her eyes drifted upwards as she seemed to have to think about it.

"You don't remember?" he asked a bit anxiously when she seemed to have to think really hard about it. She looked at him with pure fear in her eyes. She shook her head slowly trying to keep the tears balancing on the brink of her eyes.

"What's the last thing you remember?" he asked trying to help her out.

She swallowed hard trying to think back again. Her eyes went down to her arm.

"They were shooting up," she said quietly, her eyes glossy like she was back there, tears rolling down her cheeks, "Anton was… he'd just shot up. I tried telling them I didn't do needles but Kee held my arm down. Anton held me down."

Amanda's hand went up to her chest, moved further up to her throat. Fin watched her scratched knuckles trying his best to keep his anger down.

"My arm hurt, but then nothing for a while. I think we were getting out of there. Anton. Andy. Snakes. Just darkness," she whispered, her breath getting strained again.

He stroked the back of her hand to try and keep her in the room and he managed as her eyes glanced by his, an awkward smile flashed over her face but disappeared just as fast.

"So you don't remember what happened once you left…" he asked carefully. She frowned briefly.  
"Just bugs? And snakes. Darkness."

She stirred slightly on the bed, obviously feeling very uncomfortable with lacking memories and the few she had weren't that pleasurable.

"Do you think…," he started but hesitated and her eyes had time to come up to his again, "…you need a… test done?"

She looked a little blank at first but he hoped he wouldn't have to say it out loud. _Rape kit_. It seemed to dawn on her just as he thought it.

"Uh-uh," she said stirring on the bed again, "No I would… I mean I don't think I… I would know."  
"Are you sure?" he asked with more authority. He felt it important for them to know for sure. She kept her head down but cleared her throat a little to steady her voice.

"I'm sure. I had it coming either way. There's no need to…" her voice still failed her but she tried to cover it by shooting him another smile.  
"I'm fine," she said trying to reassure both of them.

Both stayed quiet for a while. He watched her follow the line on her arm up to the bag. She had a look at her scratched knuckles next, bent her arm slightly so she could see her elbow that she could feel ache slightly. She shook her head at herself and then fell back against the bed again exhaling.

"Scratched but in one piece," he noted and then brought her hand up to his lips. He held her hand against his cheek for a while just taking in the fact she was there and she was warm which meant she was alive. _Anything could've happened while she was tripping but thankfully she'd been brought in to the hospital. He was grateful. Everything else they could deal with later. _Amanda didn't seem able to drop it though.

"I really am so sorry Fin, I dunno what I can do to…" her voice failed her again. When he looked back up at her she had tears in her eyes again as well.

"You can stop lying to me, there's no need to Amanda. Just… talk to me. Tell me what's going on. You can't get stuck in your head, we both know that's a fucked up place," they both chuckled slightly but he wised up not wanting to joke this moment away, "You can't ever do this to me again. Or to yourself. You scared me to death Amanda."  
"I promise to try really hard," she said not wanting to promise too much.

She'd gotten to many broken promises in the past, she knew how hurtful it could be. _Yes, of course we will have a Christmas tree this year. Stop nagging, no I won't come to your softball game drunk and make a fool out of you. I will be at your graduation, of course I will. I'll be careful Amanda, we will always be sisters. _

"That's all I ask, and I'll be here to help you," Fin said giving her hand another kiss before he rested their hands down on the bed again. She kept watching him, feeling overwhelmed with the fact he was still by her side. She tried really hard to not get too emotional again, the salt from the previous tears were already stinging at her skin.

"So what's going to happen now? I guess we can't keep this a secret…" she hoped that would be the case.  
"Liv's already been here," Fin let her know. Amanda immediately looked distraught again.  
"Don't worry about her, she's on your side but… Tucker also stopped by earlier."

Amanda let out a miserable sound knowing that was never a good thing.

"So I'm out of a job…" she guessed fearing to hear the answer and fought to keep tears back. Fin shook his head though.  
"Seems Tucker is your way out, something about an UC assignment? Liv said he'd already approached you," Fin said.  
"Yeah he did. So if I do that he'll save my job?"

Fin nodded but didn't look pleased.

"I don't think you should do it. I know the job means a lot to you but we'll work it out some other way. I don't like you out there on your own again. It's not worth your health Amanda."  
"So then what… I'll go back to stripping for a living?"  
"Don't even joke about that," he scolded her, "We have our home, you don't have to worry about that. We'll work things out, that's what we do."

The room fell silent for a while. He didn't want to think about working without her by his side but he didn't want her working with Tucker either. She was too tired to sort out her thoughts and emotions right now.

"What did… Liv say?" she asked after a while.  
"She was really scared for you as well. And sad. She couldn't really see a way out other than you working for Tucker but she didn't seem pleased over it."  
"She didn't?" Amanda questioned. Fin shook his head.  
"Obviously she doesn't want you working for that turd Tucker. He's never up to no good. But she wants to save your job Amanda, don't ever doubt Liv either. She's in a tougher position now being our boss but she will always have your back."

"Even when I screw up this bad?"  
"Even when you screw up this bad," he reassured her. He thought he saw a slight smile on her face but then her eyes suddenly turned a little glossy.  
"You let me get away with it because what Simon did to me, cause he broke me…"  
"No Amanda," he hurried to say, "you're not getting away with anything. This has to stop. I will always be here for you, no matter what…"

_He thought about adding, about telling her just how much it pained him to see her do this to herself but he feared it would put too much stress on her. That right now it might be too much for her to bear but he made a silent promise to tell her all that someday, someday very soon. He was very scared of losing her. That one day it would be too late for him to tell her just what he felt for her. _

"But Liv won't be able to keep saving your job. You have one, no pun intended, get out of jail card here. I can't see you getting another one so you have to stop this Amanda. And…," she'd bowed down her head with shame but he waited for her to look at him again before he spoke, "He didn't break you. If anything you broke him Amanda. He doesn't get to have that power over you now, don't _give_ him that power over you."

She'd folded her eyes down again. She wanted him to be wrong, she wanted to be able to blame Simon for everything that had gone wrong in her life but in the back of her mind she knew it didn't explain everything.

"Do you hear me?" he had to ask. She nodded slightly.  
"Amanda," he said making her look at him.  
"Do you hear me?" he asked again.  
"Y-yeah, I hear you," she said swallowing hard, "I'm so sorry."  
"Stop apologizing," he said seriously, "Just… walk the walk."

She nodded, not having to fight her emotions as much as fatigue, both mental and physically, took over.

**If Nick thought the** **previous** day was weird in the squad room it became even more so the following day. Fin walked in late, without his partner by his side. He at least acknowledged Nick's 'morning' but not much more than that as he headed straight in to Liv's office. Nick kept peeking through Liv's blinds but nothing about their body language gave away what was going on.

Liv walked out ahead of Fin after a while, carrying a manila file in her hands. She handed it to Nick and told him he was lead on a new case they'd picked up. Nick could tell she had more to say as she lingered by their desks. Something about her body language told him she was a bit hesitant on how to say whatever it was she was about to tell them.

"Just so you know," she started, squeezing her hands a little, "Rollins is suspended for the rest of the week."

Nick had time to shoot Keith a stunned look.

"Why?" he said as Liv looked as she was just about to turn back to her office without giving them anything else.

Liv studied him for a few seconds and he got a feeling she was still unsure on what to say.

"It's… some misconduct issues, pending investigation. I'm sure it will get cleared so let's just try to get through these couple of days without her," Liv said with a shrug and a smile over her face.

"But…" Nick started but Liv raised her hand slightly in the air to stop him from saying anything more.  
"I can't tell you much more," she said wanting to put an end to it.  
"Can you at least tell us when this supposedly happen? Like are we talking about Jake Cullen?" Nick felt he had a right to know at least this. Liv's eyes glanced slightly to the side, looked as she was searching for Fin but then she faced them again.

"It's _not_ about Jake Cullen," she said short, "Let me know if you need more people on the new case."

She turned back and walked hastily back in to her office. Nick looked at Fin who'd tried to focus on his computer as the others talked, he was still tired from everything that had gone down yesterday.

"So can you tell us what's going on with your partner?" Nick asked straight out. Fin took a deep breath. He wasn't in the mood and he didn't even glance over.

"She'll be back next week, let's just get to work," Fin sighed.

Nick felt a little too frustrated to just get back to work. _What the hell was going on with this squad? Didn't Fin and Liv realize he cared for Amanda as well? Why couldn't they include him in whatever was going on cause he was sure as hell something was going on._

"This squad is sinking," he said pushing himself out from his desk, "Fast."

He stomped down to the bunks to get away for a bit. Fin glanced after him, feeling a bit guilty but he was just too bushed to deal with him too.

They'd left the hospital about seven last night. She'd been offered to stay the night, a doctor had even recommended it, but she'd been determined to go home. She kept her head down as they walked out of there, leaning slightly against him as she was still very weak. He could tell just balancing on her high heels took a lot of energy. Sporting them with scrub pants and his hoodie gave her a few extra looks which he could tell was embarrassing for her.

She'd only forced a little bit of the hospital food down her throat earlier but still declined picking up some dinner on the way home. He was starving though, having lived on items from the vending machine as the hospital food had been gross enough even for him to eat. He picked up an extra dish hoping to get her to eat some but after the shower she'd fallen asleep next to him on the couch almost as soon as she planted herself there.

Once he'd scoffed down his food and some of hers he'd leaned back, meaning just to rest his eyes for a bit but fallen asleep as well. A few hours later he'd awoken to her sitting upright next to him gasping for air. It had taken him a few moments to realize she wasn't actually choking but caught in a dream. After another shower they'd laid down in the same bed. He'd been dead tired but sleep eluded him, his head filled with thoughts and worries about the future.

_What if she would never get over this? And what was it that really was going on with her? How would he be able to go to work tomorrow leaving her at home alone? Could he trust her to not pair up with Anton again? What was Tucker's UC assignment about and why did it have to be her? When would things just go back to normal? Would they ever? _

He got no more than two hours of sleep and he would've much rather stayed in bed with her. But he had promised Liv he would be in, with Amanda gone they were short staffed already. She was still asleep once he was dressed and ready to head out. He'd thought about waking her but she'd looked so peaceful and instead he'd been left just staring at her for several minutes. He restrained from touching her face just so he wouldn't risk waking her but he did move around a few strands of hair that had scattered over the sheet.

Driving in to the station the thoughts from the night crept back in. He was very worried how things would play out. The short briefing in Liv's office didn't settle him anything. Tucker wanted a meeting with Amanda later today. Liv was going to be there but she couldn't allow Fin to join. It was important to not let Tucker know that Fin knew about the operation. Liv did promise him to keep him briefed as much as possible and she figured Amanda would too.

**Since Amanda didn't have** her phone Liv was unsure how Tucker made her aware of the meeting. She'd tried calling Fin's land line but Amanda hadn't picked up. She checked in with Fin if he'd heard anything from Amanda but he hadn't been able to reach her over the land line either. Liv took off to IAB. She'd hoped to catch Amanda before the meeting but traffic was hell and she only got there with minutes to spare. Tucker had made Amanda wait out in the hallway and Liv could see even from a distance how frail she looked. She loathed Tucker for making her sweat it out out there.

Amanda got on her feet the moment she spotted Liv. She was surprised to see her, Tucker hadn't mentioned she would be present for this. Amanda felt really awkward knowing Liv had seen her in such a state yesterday and she feared, no she _knew_ she'd disappointed Liv and that pained her.

"Amanda," Liv breathed as she got closer. Amanda was a little taken aback by the brief hug Liv gave her.  
"Sergeant, I didn't know you were coming," Amanda mumbled keeping her eyes down.  
"Of course I'd be here, it was the only way I'd agree to this. But how are you?" Liv said keeping a warm hand on Amanda's arm.  
"I'm… sorry f-for what I did," Amanda wasn't sure how to apologize for what she'd done. She figured an apology wasn't enough to cover what she'd done.  
"Thank you, we'll have to talk more about that later though right now all I want to know if you're feeling okay? Okay enough to be in this meeting?"

Amanda looked confused. She didn't think she had a choice. The note Tucker had sent to her door with a messenger read to appear at his office at 1 pm sharp. No can you or question mark in there.

"Are you okay to do this?" Liv asked feeling a little stressed.

She got Amanda was ashamed over what had gone down, it was actually a good sign to Liv, but right now she needed answers from Amanda. It was too late though. Tucker popped his head out, grinning from ear to ear.

"Detective, Sergeant, nice to see you both got here in time. Please step in to my office."

He took a step to the side but stayed in the door which made both women have to squeeze pass him slightly. Liv had let Amanda walk in ahead of her and she gritted her teeth seeing Tucker pin his eyes down at Amanda who kept her head down, looking fearful of the proximity as well as Tucker's glare. Liv straighten her back though and didn't keep her elbow in as she pass him, shooting him the same false grin back. Her face dropped though as she noticed they weren't alone in Tucker's office.

"Brian?" she said once she spotted Brian Cassidy leaning against one of the walls in the office.  
"Yes you've worked with detective Cassidy right," Tucker said closing the door behind them.  
"_Detective_?" Liv questioned having no idea Brian was apparently back on the force.  
"Yes, I gave him a chance to opt back to the PD a few months ago working on this particular case. Unfortunately he's proved inept for this mission, he's a regular officer Dud."

Cassidy squirmed slightly by Tucker's usual passive aggressive criticism.

"Please have a seat, ladies," Tucker said with his patronizing politeness.  
"I can see drugs don't really suit you detective but I do hope the hospital took good care of you," Tucker said while going through some papers on his desk. Liv did her best to keep her mouth shut for now but she felt uncomfortable for Amanda's sake seeing her stir in her chair.

"I am really looking forward to our collaboration," Tucker said finally looking up from sorting through some papers and pinned his eyes in Amanda.  
"What is this collaboration about, you mind enlightening us?" Liv had to ask as she was losing patience quickly. Tucker's grin lessen as he directed his eyes to her.

"Not at all sergeant, I was just getting to it," Tucker said gritting his teeth slightly.  
"Five months ago an officer by the name of Trey McTavish killed himself in a holding cell in Queens. Seems someone was negligent leaving a dinner plate overnight in his cell and he ended up cutting an artery. Bled out before a guard could get to him."

Tucker looked back up in his usual dramatic demeanor but seemed a little disappointed that either of his visitors moved a facial muscle by his statement.

"Officer McTavish was 34 years old," Tucker said putting out the photo of the dead officer in his cell in front of Liv and Amanda. Amanda had to try and swallow down the nausea, she couldn't stomach blood today.

"He was a suspect and had admitted to killing known felon Antwon Tanner."

Tucker put another photo out in front of them, the mug shot of this Antwon Tanner. A black man that looked to be in his twenties and had what one could only describe as the look of someone affiliated with a gang. Tucker quickly placed another photo on top of the mug shot and seemed pleased by the fact at least Amanda frowned. It was a crime scene photo of Antwon's dead body. There was no question excessive force had been used. This was an overkill.

"Antwon had been named in several drive-by shootings but he somehow managed to coerce witnesses before or during trial."

Tucker placed yet another photo in front of them, this time of a white woman on a ventilator in a hospital bed.

"This was officer McTavish wife after she was hit by a single stray bullet from a drive by shooting back in 2012. She survived but is paralyzed and dependent on a ventilator to breath for her, any chances of a normal family life, bringing up kids was taken away from them. Antwon was not behind this drive by shooting as far as we know but the perps in McTavish's case was never caught so who knows really. Officer McTavish said he didn't know Antwon but that it was a form of retaliation that made him go after him. He wasn't alone though."

Tucker took a dramatic pause looking from Liv to Amanda before he went on.

"He admitted to being one of two men wearing masks dragging Antwon in to the alley. McTavish refused to name the other suspect or the third party that drove the van they arrived in. After being pushed by myself, feeling the pressure of the fact he would not be able to tend to his wife from prison he started to crack slightly though making it sound as he was a part of a vigilance group within the department. He mentioned code names as Jarhead, and most importantly Soldier. This Soldier seemed to be of great influence over McTavish. Unfortunately I didn't get more chances to interview McTavish as he… well you saw what he did to himself. Coward. He wrote the word sorry on the floor using his own blood."

Tucker gave them a few moments to take it all in.

"So you're pursuing a vigilance group," Liv said wanting to remove the conductor stick from Tucker, "I take it you have a lead?"

Tucker's eyes narrowed slightly but he didn't let her wind him up.

"After diligent detective work from, well myself mainly, I was able to circle in the one known as Soldier."

Tucker looked really proud of himself grabbing on to a thicker manila file.

"Meet Soldier," he said placing yet another photo in front of them.

Both Liv and Amanda stared down in to dark brown, almost black eyes placed in a rather round face of a sullen looking man. He was seated in a patrol car, arm on the door, looking out through the window straight at the camera. The way he filled out the seat told them he was hefty to say the least, from this picture it was hard to say if it was fat or muscles though. Even with a uniform on he did not look like a man you wanted to run in to in a dark alley so to speak.

"Officer Cash Miller of the 83rd district Brooklyn. He's been with the force since the tender age of 21. He is now pushing 50. He has quite a few reprimands on his record, mostly excessive force, slurs, some other minor misconduct. I wouldn't say he's _liked_ by his pears but he is respected. He did have a rather good reputation up until 2009 when a tragic personal event took him on a downward spiral. He came home to find his wife and 11 year old son dead in their house. Murdered. It looked like a burglary gone bad. There were a couple of suspects but no one was convicted. Officer Miller took a six month absence from the force, then another briefer _hiatus_ after assaulting a perp. After that though the reprimands seemed to stop, he became more or less a model cop but a lot more withdrawn according to a supervisor. He now lives on his own, his hobbies include hunting and guns."

"So you think he's been at this since 2009?" Liv said reaching for the photo of this Cash Miller aka Soldier.  
"We believe at least for a long time," Tucker said leaning back slightly in his chair looking smug as usual.  
"You must have more than just suspicions if you're focusing in on him," Liv stated more than questioned, "I take it they don't always go out to kill?"  
"You're right, I don't think McTavish was meant to kill Antwon. They go after perps that sneak out of their crimes. Perps that we know did it but that they just can't convict. We have at least five cases we think Soldier is behind but I'm willing to bet there are plenty more that we don't know of. These perps are not going to turn to the police as they are fairly sure the police was behind their attack in the first place."

"So why don't you just arrest Miller?" Liv said dropping his photo back on the desk.  
"He's not working alone," Tucker said seriously sitting back up, "And let's face it, Miller is just an officer, he's worked the force for a long time yes but he must have connections higher up."  
"So you want the bigger fish," Liv mumbled.  
"We want to catch them _all_. Tidy up the corruption within this force," Tucker said through clinched teeth.  
"And what do you think Rollins can do that your detective can't do," Liv questioned gesturing to Cassidy.  
"Reinstated detective Cassidy has failed to bait officer Miller although placed in his path numerous times. It seems holding a grudge against the department won't cut it to make whatever group Miller is running. McTavish had a personal vendetta, so does Miller. We're figuring someone with a… score to settle, as your detective, might work out better than our own dud here."

Liv kept from quarreling with Tucker over the slurs, she knew Brian could defend himself if he felt the need to.

"As I've told you Miller were present at the bar during your detective's… _display_ the other night," Tucker's eyes fixed in on Amanda, "A show I'm sorry I missed actually, I've heard it was quite a cock raising event."

Tucker glanced Brian's way. Liv was too stunned to say anything, she was yet again stumped by how crude Tucker could be and how he so seemingly effortless could bring someone down with him to the gutter. Brian squirmed over by the wall. Amanda squirmed in the chair next to Liv and Liv shot her a look, one Amanda avoided by all means. Liv was just about to jump Tucker's throat on Amanda's behalf as Tucker started talking again.

"We know Miller has done a few searches on you. If he wasn't aware of your past before he is now. He is a regular at that bar, we want you to go inside…"  
"I have to go back there?" Amanda asked a little stunned making Tucker look back up from his papers.  
"You sure do sweet cheeks," Tucker grinned. _Sweet cheeks_. For a moment Anton's face popped up in front of her face. She felt sick to her stomach remembering back to the other night.

"Hey," Liv scolded making Amanda flinch, "It's one thing if you want to make slurs at your own detectives but I won't have that with one of mine. She's detective Rollins. Amanda only if she's okay with you using it. You remember that."  
"Hey I'd change my tune if I were you," Tucker snipped right back, "I've offered your detective a way to save her job here. I was not the one that flaunted myself to an entire bar. I was not the one shooting up and getting myself rushed to the emergency room the other night. And last I knew sweet cheeks is not a slur, it's actually a term of endearment."

"Nothing is a term of endearment coming out of your trap Tucker and don't pretend otherwise," Liv fought back only getting more fueled by the grin that spread across Tucker's face, "And don't go and make yourself some big savior here. You're using her and don't think I'm not aware of it and the moment you cross the line or if you're planning on making _her_ cross the line I'm pulling her out of this."

"Don't pretend you have the authority to pull anyone from my watch," Tucker said hissing slightly as he leaned over the desk, "The fact is your detective messed up. Big time. Doing drugs and affiliating with low lives like Anton Golov, yes I know about that too, is a criminal offence and a big no no within the department. I could order a drug test right now and she'd be out faster than you'll be able to open your meddling _trap_."

Amanda watched the hostile word exchange with frighten eyes. She felt like she was back to watching her parents argue but this argument her dad seemed to be winning. She felt so small in her seat, so useless, and guilty as she was the cause of all this.

"No you should be grateful sergeant," Tucker said calming down slightly as he felt he had the advantage, "And unlike your former captain I'm not going to let this one slip through my fingers and get abducted and tortured by some serial killer."

Liv felt Tucker had the advantage but she also felt a slight triumph that Tucker was totally unaware of what had gone down two years ago, they'd managed to cover that one up nicely. Amanda only felt even guiltier though as she felt as Liv, and Cragen, got blamed for something she'd caused. She went rouge, they saved her ass. They didn't fail her even though they had every right to.

"So what exactly is your plan?" Liv asked once the room started feeling really awkward filled with silence and deadly glares.  
"Happy you ask sergeant," Tucker sat back gloating, feeling as he had the win in his lap, "Detective Rollins will be under suspension right?"  
"For a couple of days yes," Liv said and then turned to Amanda to explain, "It's just for show. To make it seem real."  
"It's okay," Amanda said quietly, "I deserve suspension."

Tucker looked pleased which annoyed Liv to no end.

"We'll use those couple of days to plant you at the bar, drowning your sorrows. Miller is on duty tonight so we'll start tomorrow night. I want you to be here at 4 pm. We'll go through the plan again, put a wire on you."  
"What about back up?" Liv asked.  
"Cassidy will be at the bar," Tucker said, sounding a little annoyed she had butted in again.  
"Just Cassidy?" she questioned.  
"You don't find him sufficient sergeant?"  
"Don't put words in my mouth…"  
"Oh I would never dare," Tucker chipped in under his breath.  
"…I need to know she got plenty of details in case Miller brings her along. That she'll be safe."  
"He's not going to _bring her along_ just like that sergeant. Miller wouldn't still be out on the streets if he wasn't sneaky. Things won't happen that fast. He will probably test her. We can't really know but you don't have to worry, she'll be safe with me."

For multiple reasons that didn't calm Liv but she wasn't sure exactly what she could do. Tucker was Amanda's life line right now, he was probably the only one who could save her career if her escapades two nights ago reached 1PP.

"My squad is available," Liv suggested.  
"No, no, you will _not_ meddle and ruin this operation," Tucker said immediately, "I'm letting you be involved only as a favor to our long and flourishing working relationship."  
"Aren't you sweet," it was Liv's turn to talk under her breath. Tucker chuckled though.  
"So we're a go then, I expect you casually dressed eagerly waiting at 4 pm tomorrow," Tucker said turning to Amanda.

"I got one… _demand_," Amanda said having cleared her throat but her voice still failed her by the end of the sentence.  
"You got a _demand_? _You_?" Tucker questioned looking grim.  
"Let her talk," Liv begged softening her voice.

Amanda stirred in her seat, trying to sit up a little straighter.

"I need a sex club in Brooklyn to be raided," Amanda's eyes flickered a little back and forth between Liv and Tucker. She didn't hide her nervousness that well but she tried sitting up slightly, straightening her back.

"It's called the Dollhouse, it's an underground club, literally. Vicious things go on there. I have strong suspicions that women are being held captive there, getting drugged…" Amanda's voice failed her again as she saw Tucker's eyes darken even more while Liv's turned more compassionate by the syllable.

"I know I don't have much to bargain with here but if you don't make this raid happen I feel like I might not be interested in continuing on…"

She felt like she failed selling that as a threat. She should've dropped the _might_ to even come close to sounding convincing. She cursed herself silently, pushing a nail in to the palm of her hand while keeping her head down.

"How sure are you women are being held there?" Liv suddenly asked. She'd jumped in as Tucker seemed ready to jump Amanda.  
"I'm… sure," Amanda said but unable to keep a steady voice, "I know girls are scared to be sent there. That that's where they go once they don't perform well enough or gets hooked on drugs."

"_How_ do you know this?" Tucker chipped in but Liv gave him a glare.  
"You now the address?" Liv asked instead and Amanda nodded.  
"You know how to get in?" Amanda nodded again.

"Surely if you brought this to the right unit it would look good for you," Liv said turning to face Tucker again.  
"Not so much if it turns out to be a bum tip," Tucker said less impressed.  
"It won't be," Amanda said, her voice a little surer now, "You tell them Lamar Okeke runs it and it won't matter what you'll find down there, closing one of his places will be rewarding enough for them. I promise you that."

Tucker watched her with narrow eyes for a few seconds. Liv was silently begging the asshole to just say yes.

"Lamar Okeke?" Tucker repeated and Amanda nodded. He wrote it down and then looked back up at Amanda.  
"I'll run it by them and if they are interested we'll go through more details tomorrow?" Tucker suggested and Amanda tried to not be too eager as she nodded.

"So let's say 3 pm instead of 4 then. Will that work for your highness?" Tucker said raising his eyebrows.

Liv bit her tongue to not say anything.

"I'll be here," Amanda said feeling slightly better.

**Tucker let them leave** soon after that. He promised Liv he would brief her as long as she promised to keep it to herself. It was very important no one else knew about this operation. Liv trusted Fin enough to give Tucker that promise.

Liv tried giving Amanda a reassuring smile as they walked down the hallway of IAB. There were a little too many people around to get a word in and then the elevator was so filled they had to take separate sides to fit in for the ride downstairs. Liv got out of the elevator before Amanda and had to wait a while for her to finally exit, a bit of a frantic look over her face that disappeared quickly though.

"You okay?" Liv still asked wanting Amanda to know she'd seen it.

Amanda just gave her a nod though and started walking towards the exit and the open air that waited outside the big glass doors. She was in great need of open air.

"You don't have a car right, can I drive you home?" Liv said knowing she couldn't have driven there as Fin had expressed concern about her getting to IAB without a car.

"No, I'll be fine," Amanda hurried to say taking a step backwards away from Liv.  
"Can we sit down for a coffee then?" Liv said not wanting to let her leave just yet.  
"I'm not really…" Amanda wasn't sure what to say but she hoped Liv would understand and let her leave. Liv was determined to talk to her though but the busy street just didn't seem like a good place as Amanda already looked bothered by the people bumping in to her slightly.

"Just come with me to my car then, I'm not letting you go until we've had a word," Liv said firmly.  
"Just for a minute, c'mon," Liv said gesturing Amanda with her.

Amanda looked really reluctant but then stuck her hands deep in her pockets and followed Liv. She was parked a block away and Amanda felt really awkward sensing Liv's concerned looks her way.

"Get in," Liv said encouraging as she went around getting in to the driver's seat.

Amanda slowly climbed in, failed to close the door properly behind her but felt fine with knowing the door might fall open if she just leaned against it. Liv tossed her bag in the back and then turned as much as possible towards Amanda.

"How are you doing? You didn't look so good the last time I saw you," Liv said seriously.  
"I… know, I'm sorry about that, about everything," Amanda said putting her head down.  
"But you had a reason right?" Liv asked forcing Amanda to look at her as she wasn't really getting what Liv hinted at.  
"This raid, it was all about that. Your friend, Sierra right?, it was all about finding her?"

Amanda just looked at her, she wasn't sure what to say. She couldn't explain why it was so important to her, why it had become so important for her to find Sierra. And either way that was no excuse for what she'd done or bringing everyone in to her mess like this.

"Did you meet this Lamar Okeke?" Liv asked. Amanda nodded just barely.  
"Was he… scary?" Liv asked and she thought she saw a shiver on Amanda's lower lip. She didn't move but Liv thought she had her answer as Amanda looked close to tears.

"Why didn't you tell us Amanda? Why didn't you ask us to help you?" Liv said trying to not sound too disappointed. Amanda folded her eyes down. A tear escaped her eye but she managed to wipe it away before Liv saw it or at least so she thought. Liv focused more on the scuffed knuckles that got visible as Amanda brought her hand out of her sleeve.

"You have to know we are here for you Amanda," Liv tried, "You can't keep doing this to us, to yourself. We care about you so much and we worry about you so darn much."

She knew she might be passing what was appropriate between boss and employee but she didn't care. Amanda meant more to her than simply an employee. They were forged together by a very traumatic event. Watching the younger blonde now struggle with keeping herself together Liv realized that while what she went through would forever make Liv feel closer to her it might be the opposite for Amanda. _Maybe they reminded her of the awful things that happened to her? Just as a constant reminder as her scars surely must be._ She didn't know how to prevent that pain though.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said quietly, "I don't mean to… screw up. It just… happens."

Liv didn't believe that anything just happened. Liv didn't want to argue with her though, not when she was actually communicating. She couldn't keep from reaching out to be able to put her hand on Amanda's arm. She regretted it seeing Amanda flinch but she mustered through it, squeezed Amanda's arm fondly hoping to make it less uncomfortable for her.

"Can you try and let us in? You can come to me Amanda, always. Fin. Nick. Even Keith. And Eli. We're all here for you no matter what."

Amanda's eyes glanced up every now and then but never came up far enough to reach Liv's.

"It's especially important now Amanda. With this UC operation. We can't be involved but I will be briefed so you can talk to me and Fin knows even though he shouldn't. But you have to tell me if anything happens. And if Tucker treats you like shit. You have my blessing to tear him one but if it gets too much please, _please_ let me know Amanda. He can pretend all he likes that he got a hold on you but the fact is he needs you. He wouldn't stoop to these methods if it wasn't important to him to catch these vigilantes. So don't let him treat you like dirt."

She could only hope Amanda was listening to her as she was unyielding about keeping her eyes down.

"I'm going to talk to Cassidy before tomorrow okay? I know he's on our side. You can trust him Amanda. He might not seem like it but he is a good guy, a good detective."

Liv kept looking at Amanda. She still had her hand on her arm and she moved further down now, grabbed her wrist a little and squeezed it hoping to get Amanda to at least look at her.

"Are you sure I can't drive you home?" Liv finally asked just to fill the awkward silence with something. Amanda shook her head slightly.

"No," she started with a hoarse voice but cleared her throat to go on, "the air will do me good."

She finally put her head up, her eyes not fully ready to commit to Liv's but at least she managed a few glances. She had managed to bite down the tears that threaten to pour out but she could still feel them lingering and knew too much of Liv's concern could make them dwell over at any time.

"I am really sorry about everything I've put you through," Amanda hurried to say but her voice got frail again, "I promise to at least try harder not to… mess up."  
"That's all I can ask Amanda, that you try," Liv answered as Amanda seemed to have said everything she'd planned to say, "and don't forget that we are here for you. Just like we trust you to have our backs every day on the job you can trust us to have yours. And that doesn't just apply during office hours. That's twenty-four seven. Call. Come by. Eli works a lot. I wouldn't mind some company."

Liv tried to lighten up the conversation but all she managed to get out of Amanda was a very faint smile. It would just have to do.

"Thank you," Amanda mumbled, "I'm gonna…"

Liv could feel her pull at her arm and she was forced to let go off her as Amanda pushed the door behind her open.

"I'll see you Monday then," Liv hurried to say, "And you'll let me know if anything goes down over the weekend with Tucker and all?"

Amanda gave her a brief nod, eyes glancing up as the door shut between them. Amanda raised her hand slightly but got startled by a pedestrian that sneaked up on her and Liv saw her jolt and pull her jacket closer to herself as she backed up. Liv sat there with a big worry knot in her gut as she watched Amanda look up and down the street before she finally settled on which way to go. She kept her head down and arms folded closely to her as she went. She looked frail. Like someone who suspected the world would eat her alive if she didn't put her head down. And someone who was ready to fight with tooth and nail if you threaten her. Liv didn't blame her if that was how she felt. The world hadn't been kind to her from get go and it certainly hadn't gotten any better. Liv just wished she could get Amanda to realize it wasn't a battle she had to fight on her own.

**Fin had done his best** to stay awake during shift. He'd been eager to find out from Liv just what had gone down in the meeting with Tucker and she filled him in on what she knew, promising him to keep him up to speed as it went down. He bailed on Nick and Keith as shift started to come to a close even though the other two would probably have to stay late. He did his best to disregard the peeved look Nick shot him as he headed out of there, he'd been throwing those looks at everyone all day long.

He found Amanda curled up on her side on the couch with a lazy eye on the TV. When he asked her what she was watching she couldn't really tell him so he figured she wasn't paying that much attention to whatever was on. She told him there was food in the oven if he was hungry, she'd made some earlier and told him it just needed reheating. He squatted down to have a peek in the oven and saw some kind of casserole, it smelled divine and he put the heat on.

He grabbed a can of soda and then trotted back in to the living room. He lifted her legs up so he could sit down in the middle of the couch. He tried to read her mood but best he got was sluggish. He reached up to touch the side of her face, stroking back her hair gently. She didn't move which could be a good sign, at least she didn't withdraw from his touch.

"Liv told me about the meeting with Tucker," he said after he had taste of his soda.  
"What did you think about it?" he asked when she didn't reply.  
"I dunno," she said with a sigh as she followed a zebra running across a savannah on the TV, "he wants me to go back to that place I made a fool of myself at while you were away. It's going to be totally humiliating."

A lion jumped the zebra from behind, claws ripping three deep wounds in the flesh and had it down in the dirt within a second, teeth going for the jugular and the striped body jerked helplessly in the jaw of death. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut but could still see the image in front of her eyes. Minor ripples in the black, white and red striped body as the last signs of life left the otherwise limb body. When she opened her eyes back up though there was a game show on the screen and Fin's warm hand landed back on the side of her leg as he'd put down the remote again.

"Can't you run in to this dirty cop somewhere else?" he asked as she rolled over on her back so she could get a better look of him. She shook her head and pulled another deep sigh.

"It makes sense to meet him there, I'll be fine," she said.

He shot her a smile. His hand went up her leg, his palm landing on her stomach where he started rubbing her slightly.

"What did humpty and dumpty say about my absent?" she asked.

Fin started chuckling. He dug his fingers in to her stomach and lured out that smile he'd seen a hint off.

"Liv told them you were suspended but Nick knew it was more to the story and got pissed Liv wouldn't tell him and for the rest of the day he went around with that look on his face, you know the one," Fin said and tried to make the face he was talking about but Amanda made it impossible when she started laughing out loud.

Fin started laughing too. It felt nice to laugh with her after everything that had happened but he quiet down after a while as she started laughing so much tears came out of her eyes and he knew they were balancing a fine line between laughter and sorrow right now. _Damn that sorrow that always had to be there_, he thought to himself as he watched her calm down. She wiped her eyes, laughter still rumbling through her body every now and then.

"You made a casserole," he said to get on another topic. She nodded still wiping her face.  
"Turkey and beans," she said and gave him a look to see if he improved.  
"Awesome," he said getting back to rubbing her stomach again.

He turned his attention back to the TV again so he wouldn't crowd her. He liked feeling her breathe underneath his palm.

"His wife and young son were murdered," she suddenly said.  
"Huh?" Fin said turning to her again.  
"The dirty cop," she said, "his wife and young son were murdered. Slayed. A burglary gone wrong most likely. They never caught who did it."

He just watched her. He wasn't sure why she was telling him this.

"You feel sorry for him?" he asked.  
"Don't you?" she asked, hesitated slightly before she went on, "What if that was Teresa and Ken? What if you came home to find that?"  
"You would feel sorry for me if I went out to kill people after that? People who weren't guilty for that crime?"

Amanda bit her lip. She hadn't meant to anger him but she was a little afraid she had. She was a little relieved when his face eased and she felt his hand rub her tummy again.

"That's no excuse to go around killing people," he said giving her a faint smile to let her know he wasn't angry. He could tell she'd feared it.  
"He doesn't kill them," she said once his attention again had gone back to the TV. He gave her a puzzled look.  
"I mean there's no evidence he actually kills them. Someone in his group crossed the line and killed a guy but there's no evidence anyone else died. Hurt. Beaten. Yes, but not dead."

"So you're saying he has a right to go around bashing people's heads in because his wife and son died?" he asked raising an eyebrow at her. He was a little surprised as he was usually more of the 'an eye for an eye' persona between the two of them. She fixed her eyes in him for a few moments.

"I dunno what I'm saying, I'm gonna check on the casserole," she said and smoothly made her way up out of the couch. He watched her back with that slight concern back in his gut again.

**She made sure she arrived** at IAB with some time to spare, the last thing she wanted was for Tucker to be able to hold running late against her as well. Liv had sent over a new phone to the apartment. There was still no sign of her old one or the jacket she had on as she went out with Anton. There was no sign of Anton either thankfully. She hoped she would never have to run in to him ever again.

Tucker let her know he'd talked to a lieutenant from Brooklyn Vice, telling him he had an informant with some credible intel on an illegal underground sex club. He'd gotten very interested as soon as the name Lamar Okeke had been mentioned. Amanda sat down with Tucker to go over everything she knew about this Dollhouse. She was a little evasive when it came to how she'd gotten the information but Tucker was surprisingly calm and except for just a few digs he was actually very professional. Amanda was grateful as she felt a bit vulnerable as a lot of memories of that night came flooding back at the same time.

Once they were done with Dollhouse he left her alone for a bit as he went to get in touch with that lieutenant. They'd sat down in one of IAB's interview rooms and she looked around a bit as the white walls and big mirror behind her got the best of her. She didn't have good experience from this room in the past. It always felt as this room had both eyes and ears, neither of which were friendly. She'd already seen the camera up in one of the corners but judging by the red light on it it wasn't recording and she knew it hadn't during her exchange with Tucker either, she'd checked.

She got a little startled when the door suddenly opened up.

"Hey," Cassidy said giving her a nod as he tried to close the door behind him with his hands full.  
"Tucker told me to fetch you coffee," he said when he finally managed to close the door and came over to her.  
"Oh, thanks," Amanda said wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans as she sat back down. He pushed the mug closer to her over the table as he had a seat in Tucker's previous seat.

He'd brought a cup for himself and what she figured was Tuckers, and they drank under silence for a while. The coffee was thankfully not too warm to drink so it gave Amanda something to do.

"Did… Benson call you?" Amanda finally had to ask as she started to hear her own heart echo against the white walls.  
"Huh? Yeah," he said and started nodding.  
"Don't worry, I got you," he said as he stopped nodding. She gave him a nod and an awkward smile. The room fell silent again, the awkward kind, but thankfully Cassidy broke it soon.  
"I've become a regular at the bar so I'll be in there with you. No use to stop now right? And it allows me to drink on the job," he said with an awkward chuckle attach to it.

She gave him another uncomfortable smile and tried to chuckle but it came out halfhearted. She wasn't really sure knowing he drank on the job was that much of a relief to her if he was supposed to be her backup.

"And re Tucker… yeah his bite can be as bad as his bark but I'm sure you won't get it as bad."

If this was his way of calming her it wasn't really working and she jumped as the door abruptly opened up again.

"Good, we are all here," Tucker said walking up to the table.

He seemed a little annoyed Cassidy was in his seat but he put his stack of files down in front of another chair and sat down. He reached for his cup of coffee as he opened up the file on the very top of his stack.

"I want you to study this file," Tucker said and pushed the file over to Amanda, "I want you to get to know Cash Miller, what makes him tick. Enclosed you'll find a psych eval as he came back to the force after his family was murdered, I find that pivotal."

Tucker had a taste of his coffee and for a second it looked as he was going to spit it out all over the table but he probably thought about the files and reluctantly swallowed.

"Damn Cassidy, you can't even fix proper coffee," he closed to yelled, "Can't you do anything right?"

Amanda exchanged a quick glance with Brian but then folded her eyes down on the file to not embarrass him more than Tucker had already done.

"Well let's just get on with it…" Tucker muttered opening up the next file.

**Tucker gave her a very** limited amount of time to go through Miller's complete file. Thankfully she was a quick reader and what she read intrigued her just as much as those dark eyes on the photo of Cash Miller intimidated her. Even though it was just a photo they seemed to see right through her. She was both thrilled and scared to be face to face with him. If she'd get the chance.

According to Tucker Miller was on guard constantly. He didn't want her to approach Miller to begin with. It would be better if Miller approached her so they would have to make her available for him to do so. Miller would be working two day shifts so they expected him to be at the bar for two nights straight.

Tucker had surveillance on his car. He always drove there and then sat at the bar with a single beer for at least an hour. At times he had a second beer, he had that night when she was there last. Her performance had made him stay at the bar longer than they'd ever seen him do before. Tucker was optimistic she could be what Miller may be looking for.

Cassidy stepped out of the room for a bit. He was bringing her phone to their tech unit unit to put a tracker in it. Meanwhile Tucker presented Amanda with a tiny bug to put in her ear so she'd be able to hear him inside the bar. He would be outside in a car keeping an eye on her through the surveillance camera behind the bar. He would only have eyes on her in the actual bar though so she had to be watchful if she went to the bathroom or spent time in the inner room where the two pool tables were located. He wanted her to wear a wire too so he'd be able to listen in.

He offered his services to help her place it on her body. The moment got really weird until his face broke out in to a grin and he declared that he was only joking. As he turned his back to her though she realized he still expected her to place it on herself with him in the room. He had a mirror to his right so he could easily peek up at her. She turned her back to him before lifting her top up. Thankfully the devices were so sleek these days she could place the device in her bra, not really needing any tape. While she still had her back to him he reminded her to switch the device on, letting her know there was a on and off button at the other end of the microphone.

Amanda felt a little relieved once Cassidy came back in to the room. He let them know Miller's car had moved and they should probably head over to the bar.

"You ready?" Tucker asked looking at Amanda.  
"I just go in and…" she was still a little unsure on what to do. It felt important she did a good job, that she could be successful with something.  
"You act like your dysfunctional self," Tucker said seemingly like he didn't care if he hurt her feelings, "Let people know you've been suspended. Seep some animosity over it. Feel free to talk about what you went through with Mayhem."

"I don't… talk about that," Amanda said a bit hesitant.  
"Well it would benefit what we are trying to do here so maybe you can make an exception," Tucker suggested like it was the easiest thing in the world. Either he didn't see that Amanda's face had clouded over or he chose to ignore it.

"Ready now?" Tucker asked when she just stayed quiet. Amanda gave him a brief nod but kept glaring at him.

They took Tucker's car over to the bar. He kept talking the entire way, kept giving both her and Cassidy orders on what to do, how to act. She really had no idea how Cassidy had put up with this for month, _no wonder he was drinking on the job_. Tucker parked a block away from the bar and told Cassidy to go on ahead of her. Amanda was in the back seat and leaned back a little as Tucker communicated with Cassidy who was also wired. Tucker suddenly leaned back and held out a bundle of cash in front of her.

"For drinking expenses and a cab or whatever," he said when she gave him a questionable look instead of taking them off him. Amanda took the money off him a little reluctantly. _Was he that determined on her getting drunk?_

"Try not to get too drunk though. We'll see what happens but if this runs late it's best you take a cab home," Tucker said turning back to the screen he'd put up in front of him. The bar didn't look as crowded as she remembered.

"Wait, you're leaving me in there?" she asked. Tucker shot her a glance over his shoulder.  
"We'll see what happens, I'll be here as long as Miller is around. Cassidy will stay put as long as you stay in there. Miller might have eyes on you even if he's not around, they'll report back to him what you get up to so feel free to make a scene. Maybe not as big of a scene as last time though," Tucker added a chuckle to the end of that sentence and Amanda gritted her teeth.

Tucker suddenly tensed up and then said 'copy that' in to his little microphone.

"Miller's in place, you can go in now," Tucker let her know without looking back. Amanda took a deep, silent breath. She really didn't feel like going in there again. She'd tried to just push away all the grueling feelings of having to face people she had no real memories of humiliating herself in front of. All she remembered from the bar was sporadic fragments. _Her too loud laughter and her hand on the chest of a guy wearing a tee with a big AC/DC logo. Leaning against the bar with a beer right in front of her and enjoying a hand that was caressing her ass intimately. Hearing Cherry pie blast and feeling sexy and free and…_

"What's the hold up?" Tucker said turning around to look at her. She gave him a glare but then reached for the door.  
"Happy hunting detective," she heard from inside the car right before she slammed the door shut.

She could feel Tucker giving her a deadly glare for not handling his car with softer hands but she could care less. She was busy trying to get a hold of the anxiety that threaten to take her over. Every step she took towards the bar made her more nervous. When she finally reached the door a panicked voice was shouting at her to just run, to get the hell out of there. But she set her jaw and opened up the door. Everything stopped the moment she got inside and the door shut behind her. The voice stopped roaring. The anxiety ran off her instantly.

She scanned the room quickly. She had no memory of walking in to this place before. _Maybe she could pretend she hadn't?_ She spotted a few sets of eyes looking her way but they turned away just as quickly. She saw Cassidy by the window with a beer in front of him, he was sitting alone. Their eyes met briefly but then she moved on. She saw what she figured was Miller's wide frame on a chair by the bar. He seemed alone as well. Amanda jacked herself up and headed straight for the bar, aiming a yard or two to Miller's side. She'd caught the bartender's attention before she reached the bar, something told her he recognized her. They exchanged a slight head nod.

"Can I get a beer… please," Amanda said leaning her arms on the bar.  
"Bottle or tap?" he asked. Amanda gave it a quick thought.  
"Tap?"  
"Coming right up," the bartender said and took the few steps he needed to end up by the beer taps.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder away from Miller first, let her eyes scan the about 20 people standing or sitting around on that side. She casually turned the other way. She had perhaps hoped to at least exchange a glance with Miller but his eyes were focused on the beer in front of him. Amanda kept her eyes going, scanning the about 10 people that sat on that side of the room. Her eyes went past Miller again on the way back. He had that same sturdy neck as Fin did and Amanda got a sense what it would feel like to run her fingers down it. _Why was she thinking about touching Miller? What was wrong with her? _

She got a little startled as the bartender placed the beer in front of her but she found herself quickly and stuck her hand down her pocket to fetch a bill for him.

"Thanks," she smiled as she handed over the money to him.

The bartender shot her a smile back. Amanda had a taste of the beer and then turned around with the beer in her hand. She leaned her back against the bar, letting her eyes scan the room again as she had another taste. She didn't even have to spend a single thought on what to do next as she saw a rather tall guy with a goofy smile approach her.

"I recognize you," he said while that stupid grin spread on his face. She just raised her eyebrow at him. He looked back to what she figured was his mates and they exchanged grins before he turned back to her. His finger came up and pointed to her.

"You were in here not long ago am I right," he said and then both his finger and eyes went sideways to the extension of the bar that she had some memories off.

"I might be guilty," she said trying to sound sultry even if that wasn't how she felt.  
"Oh boy, I can't believe it," he said almost giggling like a girl, "that was some night. We've been telling James here this place could benefit from that sort of entertainment on a regular basis."

She figured he was talking about the bartender but she mostly focused on trying to not let her discomfort show.

"Planning on getting up there tonight?" the man asked and Amanda had to hold on to her beer so she wouldn't splash it all over this silly guy's ugly mug.  
"Hadn't planned on it but who knows," Amanda smiled instead. The man let out a chuckle.  
"Do you mind?" he said gesturing to the chair beside her. She shook her head. The man pulled it out a little and asked the bartender for another beer.

"I'm Mitch," the guy said next as he turned back towards her.  
"Nice to meet you Mitch, I'm Amanda," she said flashing him a smile. Her eyes were set on Mitch but she could see Miller right behind him and she could see his eyes were set on her. She did her best to not have her eyes glance over at him and then turned back towards the bar instead.

"So you enjoyed my little… show," she said hoping to take advantage of Miller's attention, "I'm glad I could do something for my brothers in blue."  
"You really are a cop?" Mitch said a little surprised. Amanda nodded.  
"A detective," she said.  
"Someone said but I had trouble believing him. Not that women can't be cops but you know…," Mitch hurried to say and then trailed off as his eyes went down her body, "I just haven't seen many as good looking as you."

"Well thank you Mitch," she said adding a little giggle.  
"You are most welcome, it's the truth," Mitch said and raised his beer to her adding a cheers.

She learned he was a beat cop in a district nearby. She didn't pay as much attention to what he thought was the perks of the job or whatever it was he blabbed on about. Thankfully his mates joined them soon and she got to pretend to be grateful for another few compliments on her last visit to the bar. She was served another beer even before her first one was finished. She repaid the guy that she thought had paid for it by touching his pecks and then letting her hand linger on his arm. She liked that she could get him flustered by a single touch. It empowered her slightly. She didn't feel as embarrassed any longer about what had gone down here just the other week. She tried the trick on some of the others and it worked just as well, Mitch looked like a panting little pup when she placed her hand high up on his thigh.

For a few moments she forgot why she was even there but she snapped back quickly. Someone asked her if she really was a detective or, with a chuckle, if that was her undercover job. They had a laugh at it but then she told him she really was but that she was suspended right now. When he asked why she just shrugged and told him it was some bogus misconduct charge and added the force just didn't know how to handle vicious perps. They were just too lenient on some and the bad guys just wouldn't learn their lesson if they kept handling them with kids gloves. She hoped Miller was listening to their conversation, she made sure she was at least loud enough for him to hear.

She got a little disappointed as Miller suddenly rose to his feet and seemed to leave the bar. She tried to keep her eyes on him but she lost track of him as one of the guys stepped in her line of sight. She could see the door opening and closing though and she felt a bit like a failure. _Had he only stayed for that one beer tonight? Didn't she manage to hold his attention longer than that if she didn't make a bigger fool of herself?_

She was also a little unsure on what to do. Tucker hadn't said a peep all night. She had definitely not missed his voice but she'd figured he would be bugging her all night long. Now she started worrying there might be something wrong with the ear piece. _Why wasn't he ordering her around? Slipping her some slurs in her ear when he had the chance?_ She searched for Cassidy over by the window but he was looking another way.

She tried to focus back on the guys she was talking to. Shot them the suggestive smiles they seemed to like so much. She wasn't really sure what they were discussing now, she'd lost track completely.

"Okay Soldier took off," Tucker suddenly said in her ear. She couldn't even pretend to pay attention to the conversation going on around her right now. All she waited for was for Tucker to scold her for not doing a better job trapping Miller. She got a little surprised though, and then a whole lot angry.

"Not a bad first day's job," Tucker said, "Miller kept his eye on you, I'm pretty sure you had his attention."

For probably the first time that night Amanda's smile was genuine. She didn't have one ounce of respect for Tucker but it felt good knowing he at least thought she'd done a good job.

"I'm gonna take off. I want you both in my office at 3 pm tomorrow, set you up in the bar before he gets there this time. Cassidy you stay as long as she sticks around. And Amanda… don't forget to remove your wire if you're planning of hooking up with one of those guys. I don't mind listening in but it can get weird if the guy finds that snake in your bra. Have a good night you two. 3 pm tomorrow."

Amanda was fuming but she also felt embarrassed. She met Cassidy's eyes across the bar but she folded her eyes down quickly. _Was it that transparent what a slut she was?_ One of the guys leaned in closer and asked if she was okay. She flashed him a smile as she nodded.

"I just need another beer," she said and the guy quickly made that happen for her. Her confidence didn't feel all that high so she stuck around the same guys as she downed that third beer. Her eyes kept running in to Cassidy's and she figured he might want to head out of there so she decided to call it a night.

"Okay, you guys, I'm taking off," she said. There were a lot of complaints from all around. She heard one say she couldn't leave until she'd been on the bar but she chose to ignore that comment.

"Stay for at least another beer," Mitch said.  
"Sorry, but I'm meeting up with a friend," Amanda smiled.  
"Tell her to come here instead, this place always lacks ladies," one of the other guys suggested. Amanda had forgotten his name.  
"What makes you think my friend is a she," Amanda asked batting her eyelashes.  
"Ooh," the guy snickered.  
"Lucky sod," someone else said as Amanda waved goodbye.

She lingered outside the bar lighting a smoke. Cassidy stepped out not long after her readjusting his collar. He cocked his head at her as to bum a cig and she brought one up for him.

"You taking a cab?" he asked silently as he leaned in so she could light his smoke.  
"Yeah," she mumbled.  
"Good," he said, "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

She gave him a nod.

"And take his advice," Cassidy said leaning in again, "Take the wire off, switch it off, he wasn't lying when he said he listens in."

Cassidy rolled his eyes and she figured he might know from personal experience Tucker did listen in.

"Thanks," she said and stepped out to the curb to wave down a cab as Cassidy started a slow descend down the street. She found a cab quickly and caught him glancing back as she jumped in. It felt at least a little good to know Cassidy kept an eye on her back.

She paid the cab driver with the money Tucker had given her. Money felt dirty so she didn't mind getting rid of them. She kept an eye out as she crossed the street to her building. She couldn't spot anyone watching her. Once in the elevator she got inside her top and pulled up the wire from her bra. She flicked it off and then pushed it down her jacket's pocket. She would have to wait and put the ear piece in a bag or something, it was too little to stay safely in her pocket.

Walking in to the apartment she heard the familiar sound of the TV and she pulled a sigh of relief. It felt good to be home.

"Hey, everything go okay?" Fin asked the moment she showed her face. He'd wanted to walk out to see her the moment he heard her key in the door but he didn't want her to know he'd worried about her. She looked tired but nodded. She sat down on the couch with a bit of room to him.

"It went quick," he said and she nodded again. He felt a little uneasy that she didn't say anything.  
"You met him? Soldier?" he asked. Amanda tore her eyes off the TV.  
"I dunno about _met_ but he was there, I was there, Tucker said he noticed me," she said shrugging.

He could smell beer on her breath.

"Successful first effort at least," he suggested but she just shrugged again as she turned her focus back on the TV. He kept watching her. He wanted her to tell him more but he wasn't sure what mood she was in. He didn't think she was that drunk though. Her walk had been steady and her eyes looked tired but not the way they looked when she got stupid drunk. He gambled and reached for her. He wheeled her in and he relaxed slightly as she let him. Once he had her under his arm she rearranged herself to sit more comfortable and he planted a kiss on her hair once she leaned in to him.

"You eaten?" he asked.  
"I'm fine," she answered which he'd learnt to be a convenient reply but not really an answer to what he was asking and not necessarily the truth either.  
"There's leftovers, I can heat them for you," he said not wanting her to starve herself.  
"I'm tired," she answered this time, "I think I'm gonna head to bed… just gonna watch this, whatever it is."

He couldn't help but smile. She was cute when she was tired and just unengaged. He kissed her hair again and just tried to enjoy the fact she was already home and he didn't have to spend the entire night worrying about her. It was a welcomed change.

**The following day she** woke up as Fin headed to work. The disadvantage of falling asleep too early and actually sleeping through the night. She was restless from the start and went out running. She was out way too long which she regretted once in the shower and could feel in her legs she was going to pay for that later on. She was a little grateful Tucker at least didn't make her wear heels. Once out of the shower she tried eating some breakfast, or perhaps it was more honest to call it lunch as the clock had kept ticking. She tried to occupy herself by browsing the web and do some housecleaning but she still had time to kill once she was done. She decided to walk to Tucker's office, it would get her out of the house and maybe it would loosen up some of the aches she was feeling in her legs.

She arrived just as Tucker walked down the hall and he let her tag along to his office, even offering her a coffee on the way. He seemed to be in good spirits and she took the opportunity to ask about what was going on with the raid at Dollhouse hoping it wouldn't ruin his mood. He let her know it was in motion and they were hitting the club tonight hoping to catch a lot of johns during the Saturday rush. They hoped one of them would rat out Okeke if they couldn't catch the shark himself. It made her a little nervous to know Sierra might get in the line of fire but also happy since it could mean her friend would be freed.

She did paid Anton a thought as well. _What if he was there? What if he got arrested? He might rat her out then._ The thought scared her a little but not enough to seriously contemplating giving him a heads up. She would just have to face the consequences if Anton decided to sell her out.

When Tucker stepped out for a minute she made a call to Fin. He answered immediately, expecting something was wrong but she calmed him down. She let him know Tucker had told her the raid was going down and if he maybe could check with Liv if they could know the result of the raid or just at least how it went as soon as possible. He promised to make sure they knew as soon as the raid was done. Tucker stepped back in and she hurried to get off the phone.

He gave her a glare that told him he was curious to know who she'd talked to but he restrained from asking.

"I take it you got the gear from last night with you and in one piece?" he said looking up at her from his side of the desk. She gave him a nod and he looked back down on some papers he was signing on his desk.

"You went home last night…" he said all of a sudden and she caught him looking at her from underneath his eyebrows. She wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement but she nodded hesitant as he kept glaring at her from underneath those bushy greys. He kept signing his papers while Amanda stirred slightly in her chair. Thankfully Cassidy walked in soon and he seemed in a happier, or at least more talkative mood today asking her how she was doing and what she'd been up to today. She let him know she'd been out running and he seemed impressed.

"Okay gossip girls let's get going," Tucker said cutting them off after a while.

He let her sneak off to the bathroom to put on her wire, making a snide remark he thought she came prepared. She didn't let it get to her though and took her time in the bathroom. Tucker let her walk in first today and she felt the same anxiety as yesterday as she got closer to the bar. She had expected that the bar might be a little less crowded today as they were there a little earlier than yesterday but she'd forgotten that it was a Saturday. The bar was already rather packed. It made the flashbacks from the other week all more concrete and she wasn't sure if she was imagining everyone looking at her today or if it was her mind playing tricks on her.

She made her way past a few bodies, she had to squeeze by some and she registered at least two hands that landed on her ass a second too long but she tried to think of it as accidentally. Once at the bar a guy made sure she got access to lean in and give her order to the bartender. She recognized the same guy behind the bar as yesterday. He brought her the beer and took her money just as yesterday. Amanda shot the guy who had let her pass him an appreciating smile but then almost got run over by another one that seemed very eager to reach the bar. She managed to save the beer from spilling all over her clothes though and the guy quickly apologized.

"Oh, hey there," the guy said once they connected eyes.

She was a little startled as he leaned in and gave her cheek a kiss. He seemed to know her and it bothered her that she couldn't place him. She feared he recognized her from her last visit and she pushed by him to get further out as she felt a bit crowded. She took a few deep breaths as she'd managed to find a spot that gave her room to actually pull deep breaths. She had a taste of her beer as she tried to collect both her thoughts and emotions. _Focus Amanda. You're here to do a job. Focus._

She placed herself by a standing table close to the door. She hoped Miller would see her the moment he stepped in to the bar. She could tell Cassidy at least did as he walking in. Now she just had to wait for Miller. Tucker had let her know he was off his shift but his car hadn't moved yet.

It didn't take long until Amanda got company. Two rather good looking guys approached her and asked if they could join her at the table. She let them know she didn't mind and they asked her what district she was from. It felt good that they at least took her for a cop. They seemed impressed that she was a detective but then frowned slightly as they learnt which unit she was on.

"That must be rough, the women, kids," one of the guys said.  
"It can be yes," Amanda answered but then quickly asked them where they were from.

They were also detectives, both of them, but worked homicide. She said that couldn't be so easy either and they got in to a rather interesting conversation. She was a little consumed in the talk when she suddenly locked eyes with Miller walking in. Thankfully she managed to keep her cool and easily diverted her eyes back to one of the guys. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Miller head towards the bar. Cassidy must've spotted him too as Tucker's voice soon popped up in her ear.

"Okay so he must've left his car behind," he said sounding a bit irritated, "I'm not sure if that means anything but just keep your eyes open."

Amanda made sure she had Miller pegged, he'd taken a seat at almost the same spot at the bar. She could've easily kept talking to the two detectives but a hothead decided to disturb their convo. She felt a hand snake in around her a little too intimately and as she turned this guy stepped in to her personal sphere. She wanted to push him off her but knew she had a role to play here.

"Isn't it about time for you to get on the stage," the guy said coming close to her ear. She could smell the alcohol reeking from him. She tried to shy back slightly and got a good look of him tracing his lip with his tongue as he close to violated her with his eyes. One of the detectives seemed to feel he was crowding her a little too much and he tried getting him to step off by placing a hand on his chest. The guy didn't even pay attention to him though, just kept eyeing her.

"Not tonight buddy," she said trying to shake him off her.  
"Oh don't be a sour puss," he said leaning in way too close to her and this time she did shove him off her.  
"I said not tonight," she repeated a little louder.

The guy eased up a little but she could tell the detectives eyed her a little different now. They probably thought she'd gone home with this slob at some point. She felt a bit bothered by the disapproval in their eyes and she let them know she was going to get another beer just to be able to get away from them. She tried to get the detectives and whatever they thought of her out of her mind. Not seeing Miller by the bar helped her get her mind elsewhere.

She bought another beer and while she waited for it she tried to get eyes on Miller. He was nowhere to be found though. She took her beer and made her way further in. Some guys tried to chat her up as she walked by them but she was determined to find Miller and just smiled and batted her eyelashes and avoided a hand that tried to wheel her in.

She spotted Miller by a table near one of the pool tables. He actually seemed to be in conversation with someone, Amanda even caught him smiling. It didn't take long until someone approached her again. He said his name was Tony, or maybe it was Tommy, Amanda got a little distracted as Miller laughed out loud and it made her smile for some reason.

One of Tony or Tommy's friends stepped up. This time she caught his name, it was Odell.

"Amanda," she said leaning in to him slightly.  
"I thought your name was Shay?" Tony or Tommy said. Amanda's eyes narrowed slightly.  
"I was here the other week," he said with a shy smile.  
"Oh," Amanda said straightening her back slightly, "That's just my stage name."

She tried to smile as the guy chuckled. The guys were in line for the pool table and Amanda joined their game, the guy that had to sit out said he didn't mind one bit. They had the table furthest from Miller but he was seated so he at least saw the table she was at. Amanda was rather decent at pool but it was easier to be flirtatious when you were losing. Only problem with that in this particular game was that the guys had what they called penalty shots, shot glasses were lined up on the side of the table. If you made a big blunder you had to down one of them so she couldn't fail miserable. She did feel the guys were a bit hard on her though, deemed some of her shots a bit harsh and made her down another glass. She was sober enough to realize that they perhaps were trying to get her drunk.

Once the game was over she'd downed four shots and she'd been served another beer. She still felt clear headed but played a little drunk. Drunk people often raised their voices a little too loud so it worked in her favor as she'd made sure she ended up not far from Miller and she was spew some resentment towards the force while talking to two new guys. She wasn't sure what their names were but they were both onboard that the force should be harder on criminals. Tucker's words on opening up about her own ordeal played in the back of her mind and she felt herself building up the courage to say something about it.

"You know I had some…" Amanda started when she got the chance but she felt her throat close up.  
"Some what?" one of the guys asked when she stayed quiet.  
"No, just that I met this really crazy fuck about two years ago, he had raped and mutilated women, really tortured them before killing them, been at it for decades over several states, we're talking a lot of victims and today he's like incarcerated sure but like gets to study and take art classes and just seems very happy with his life. That's not right on any level. If anything he should've gotten a taste of his own medicine, he deserved some medieval punishment done to his ass."  
"Damn right," one of the guys said and put his bottle together with hers.

She watched them have a drink before she followed suite. She felt a little sick to her stomach. She wasn't sure if it was talking about Simon or those shots she'd down earlier. Either way the beer didn't help, and either did glancing over at Miller and finding his attention clearly on the guy sitting next to him. _How could she even think she could pull this off? Why would Miller be interested in her for whatever vigilance group he was running? She was just a pathetic nobody. Good for nothing, miserable slut. _

Her mind got the better of her and it was hard for her to follow whatever the guys started talking about. Something about exchanging the coffee beans at their station. _Like how was that even a problem when they had serial killers running lose out there torturing women? Women getting raped, men too and kids getting hurt and violated. How did coffee beans even get in to this conversation?_

She had to leave the chattering bitches before she exploded and she walked around the pool table to watch the current game instead. One of the guys was really crushing it. She got offered another shot from one of the guys she'd played with before and she didn't even hesitate downing it.

The jukebox had been playing every now and then, she hadn't really paid it much attention but when a familiar tune started her eyes wandered over there. Cherry pie started pulsating out of the speakers. There was no question who had put the song on. His eyes were aimed straight at her and he had a smirk over his face. She recognized him as the guy who had sit out the pool game for her to be able to play. She had caught him staring at her ass a few times but she had also flirted with him a little shamelessly.

She knew his buddy had been here that night she made a fool out of herself and it wasn't hard to imagine he'd been there too. Over the pool table he seemed to challenge her with an intense stare and playing with his eyebrows a little. She tried smiling at him but as he got a bit crude she had to shake him off and she tried focusing on whatever it was she'd been talking about with the guy she currently stood beside. He was rather drunk though and he really wasn't such a good talking companion.

The song was still playing when she noticed Miller getting up from his chair. For a moment she was afraid he was already taking off but she relaxed slightly as she saw him leave his jacket with the other guy and he also seemed to ask him to keep an eye on his bottle. She followed him with her eyes as she tried to keep up conversation with the drunk guy. Miller seemed to be heading towards the gents. Once she'd lost sight of him she downed her beer in one go and told the guy closest to her she was going to get another beer.

She really wasn't in need of the bathroom but she headed there anyways hoping for a chance to run in to Miller. Once outside the gents though she wasn't really sure what to do or how to make an encounter with him seem natural. The ladies room was just a single toilet which hinted to the quota of men vs women that visited this establishment. There wasn't that much action in the gents either it seemed. She had noticed that the crowd had lessen in the bar since she got there. She had thought Saturdays would be busy until late but maybe that wasn't the case for cop bars?

She realized just standing in the hallway would look weird so she took the step over to the door to the ladies room but then was again left hesitating on what to do. Someone made the choice for her though as she felt herself get pushed inside the bathroom by a shadow that had crept up on her without her noticing. The darkness in there had her gasping but hoping this was Miller making contact with her made her keep some sanity.

It was awful just hearing her own breathing in the darkness and just sensing someone in front of her but not being able to see him as her eyes weren't adjusting to the dark just yet. She'd turned around though, her back against a wall, but when the light flickered on it got evident just by the shape of the person this wasn't Miller standing in front of her.

Maybe she should've gotten scared as she recognized the guy from the jukebox but what she felt was just anger, and some disappointment.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she asked with a frown.  
"Just giving us an opportunity to chat as you're trying to make yourself unavailable out there," he smirked.  
"Well maybe there's a reason I'm making myself unavailable, did that cross your mind? Look, I like to pee in private," she gestured at him to scoot out of there. She felt good about the fact he seemed to turn to leave but then a bit of fear kicked in as she realized he wasn't leaving but putting the latch on the door. His smirk had grown wider as he faced her again.

"That's it," she grunted shaking her head as she moved towards the door. He was blocking the door but she tried pushing him to the side. He immediately got his hands on her but he wasn't really trying to prevent her from getting to the door but more groping her. She wished she would've just been able to ignore him and gotten out but his hands bothered her to the point she redirected her efforts to getting him off her. Trying to push him back though only led to her ending up on the other side of the room again.

"Just get the fuck out of my way," she close to yelled.  
"Make me," he snickered while gesturing her to come at him again. She shook her head again.  
"Take a hint buddy, I'm not interested," she grunted.  
"A girl like you? C'mon, you know you want me…"  
"_A girl like me_? Who the fuck do you think you are?" she took a step to him but lost some courage as he didn't look one bit intimidated.  
"You're the one that keeps saying fuck, and I say yes please let's…"  
"Unfrickinbelievable," she mumbled.  
"Look," she said raising her voice again, "there's a bar full of cops out there, all I have to do is shout…"  
"You want another few to join us? Believe me after your performance last week we could get a line running in no time…"

She felt some of the rage rinse off her, fear slowly creeping up on her again.

"How about you just do me first," he suggested coming closer to her. She backed up as far as she could. She tried slapping his hands away as they reached for her but it only seemed to amuse him and he made it out to look like they were playing some game.

"I'll make it good for you honey," he said and seemed to think that would make her tempted, that it would somehow change her mind.  
"No, I'm not interested," she said putting both her hands on his chest in an attempt to push him off her. For the first time she saw a glimmer of anger in his eyes but it vanished as he managed to trap her hands on his chest, clutching both wrists and pulling her off the wall slightly.

"We can make it rough if you prefer it that way," he grinned.  
"I don't want it rough, I don't want it any way," she shouted trying to twist her hands out of his grip.

She was a little scared but she knew she hadn't used much force yet, she was sure she could fight her way out of there if she had to and it made her less stressed. Her adrenalin had started pumping though. When he let her hands go he wrapped his hands around her, groping her ass and she pushed herself off the wall to get him off her. He hit the washbowl and let out a grunt.

"Hey, I thought you said you didn't want it rough," the guy said. He managed to pin her arms to her side and she got a sense of just how strong he was as he pushed her back against the wall.

"Get the fuck off me," she shouted.  
"I think we need to wash that mouth of yours," he snickered getting a little out of breath by trying to contain her.  
"Get off," she shouted trying to twist herself lose.

He switched grips around her arms, using the wall to keep her arms locked so he could get a hand free. He put it on her face, groped her and for some reason tried to get in her mouth. That gave her the chance to bite him though and she momentarily got lose as he wailed over the pain. She never got a chance to get the upper hand though and the fist she managed to get in his gut did little or no damage at all. He slapped her across the face and the next second she found herself pushed up, face first against the wall. Panic was just starting to get a hold of her when the door behind them crashed open.

She didn't hear the door, blood was pumping too hard against her eardrums, but she felt the guy step off her and his grip slowly let up. She pulled her hands to her and spun around pressing herself back against the wall trying to get control of her own breathing. She was staring straight in to Miller's completely black gaze. His entire face was clouded over, body puffed up as he rested against the door frame that now had splinters where the latch had been. He held her eyes for what felt like ages but probably was just a brief second before he turned his focus on the guy pressed up against the other wall.

"I believe this is the ladies room," he said with a deep rumbling voice. The guy nodded.  
"And you were leaving," he added when the guy seemed too afraid to move.

He nodded again and made a wide circle trying to get around Miller. He didn't move though and the guy had to press himself passed him in the doorframe, all while fearing Miller was going to hit him. Miller had pinned him down with his eyes but the moment he was out of there he turned to face her again. She was still fighting to control her breath, still pressing herself up against the wall as panic still had possession of her body.

"…" she tried moving her lips to say something but nothing came out of her throat.

She wanted to tell him to leave her alone but she also wanted to tell him thanks. But nothing came out and the next moment it was too late. He was gone. She needed another second before she could peel herself off the wall but then she stumbled over to the door. There was no sign off him. Further out, hidden amongst some others she saw Cassidy's eyes peeking out. It suddenly dawn on her she was being surveilled. _Where the hell had Cassidy been? Why hadn't Tucker said anything? Did they call this backup?_ She'd seen concern in Cassidy's eyes but now he just turned away and it fueled her anger.

She felt a need to wash her hands, to wash more than her hands but she had to settle with hands and wiping a cold towel over the back of her neck. She splashed some water on her face as well but then walked out caring nothing about the broken doorframe. She couldn't see either Miller or the guy that had attacked her. The guy's friends were gesturing at her to get over to the pool table though but she turned the other way and headed out towards the bar. She spotted Cassidy at one end of the bar and went there. She ignored him at first, made contact with the bartender instead and ordered another beer.

"Where the hell were you?" she asked under her breath once the bartender had taken off. She met Cassidy's eyes briefly. He looked bashful.

"I told him to stand down," Tucker's voice came in her ear.

She gritted her teeth but tried to relax as the bartender came back with her beer. Cassidy leaned in and put a bill in front of her for the bartender to take. She wasn't going to thank him but it gave her an opportunity to pay him some attention.

"Why the hell would you do that?" she asked looking straight at Cassidy but talking to Tucker.  
"It worked didn't it. Miller made contact."

Amanda felt like both screaming and crying. She had to fold her head down and she bit her lower lip hard. She could feel Cassidy squirming on the chair next to her.

"You okay?" he asked trying to keep his voice low but knowing Tucker would hear him anyway. Amanda didn't answer. She feared she would punch him if she faced him right now so she kept her head down instead.

"Not sure if he likes you for this or not though, he walked out," Tucker said in her ear after a while, "I'm going to follow him, stay put."

Cassidy cleared his throat next to her. She figured he'd heard Tucker too but since she hadn't heard Tucker tell Cassidy to stand down she wasn't sure just exactly how their wires were crossed. Nor did she care. Right now she just wanted to be home. Feel safe next to Fin. She didn't like still feeling his hand on her face, his hand groping her ass, the palm he'd rubbed against her breast. _We could get a line running in no time._ Her cheek was stinging slightly.

Cassidy bumped his elbow against her arm.

"Leave me alone," she hissed under her breath. She took another few moments to collect herself but then put her head up so she could have some beer. She didn't want to look Cassidy's way so she turned her head the other way and found herself locking eyes with a rather young guy.

"Hey, don't I know you?" he said, "Have I seen you in here before?"

She tried to smile but now tears were really threatening to escape her eyes.

"Maybe," she whispered before she had some more beer.  
"I'm sorry but I'm just lousy with names," the guy said, "I'm Cody."

She watched the hand he extended to her for a few moments but then reluctantly shook it.

"Amanda," she said.  
"Well nice to meet you Amanda, I will not forget that name," he winked at her.

He kept talking to her, something about being terrible with names from an early age and what troubles having that impediment landed him in at times. She wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. She was looking at his lips though, they looked soft and the upper lip had a gorgeous curve. _She figured he must have gotten compliments on that lip. He had a pretty face, nice body, he looked clean._ She touched his arm to get him to stop talking.

"There's really no need to chat me up," she said, "if you want to fuck me just say so, I'm easy."  
"Hey," came Cassidy's strong voice from behind her.

She started giggling at the guy's face. He looked like he'd seen a ghost or something. It was too funny. Cassidy pushed her back a little so he could lean over and look at the guy.

"Just walk away," Cassidy said.

The guy looked a little relieved to get out of there and trailed off with his bottle in his hand. Amanda was still giggling.

"His face," she said between breaths.  
"Can we get out of here boss?" Cassidy asked in to his wire.  
"I'm still trailing Miller, looks like he's heading home. Yeah you can go, take your usual path I'll pick you up in five."

Cassidy put a hand on Amanda's arm to signal it was time for them to head out of there. Amanda hurried to reach for her beer and took a large gulp, and then turned back for another one before she let Cassidy lead her out of there. Amanda took a deep breath of fresh air when they got out on the curb. Cassidy made sure no one was following them and then took off down the street. Amanda trailed after him but didn't care she got several steps behind. She was watching the stars. It was a clear night, the stars looking really pretty up there.

Cassidy asked her for a smoke. Perhaps mostly to get her to tune in again.

"Why don't you carry your own?" she asked as he helped her light one and then handed her lighter back to her.  
"Cause I don't smoke," he said breathing out a large puff of smoke.  
"I see that," she smirked as they started walking again.

They got a couple of blocks, Cassidy keeping an eye out if they were followed or not, before Tucker's car drove up from behind. Cassidy immediately tossed his smoke and moved over to the car. Amanda took her time though, pulled another long drag from her smoke before she let it drop to the street and then took her time grinding her foot down hard on the cigarette butt. Cassidy looked as though he was holding up the front door for her but she opened the back door and jumped in. Cassidy slid in to the passenger seat. Tucker was leaning backwards with an amused grin over his face.

"You really are fifty shades of fucked up aren't you?" he said before he sat back. She had to restrain from growling at him.

"You would've let me get assaulted in there?" Amanda hissed as Tucker drove off, "I _was_ assaulted."  
"Oh calm down, we wouldn't have let him take it any further," Tucker said trying to gloss it over, "I had a hunch Miller would come to your aid."  
"A hunch? You're clueless Tucker," Amanda spat back clenching both fists on the seat on either side of her.

"Incompetent fools," Amanda mumbled but that seemed to be the straw for Tucker.  
"Hey missy," he close to shouted, pinning his eyes in her through the back mirror, "It's not wise going around name-calling when you had a needle in your arm just days ago. I made a decision to leave you in there for a few seconds extra, you might not like it but its not easy making the hard decisions. And I still say it was the right call, now we know Miller has his eye on you."

"Good work detective," he said after holding her eyes in the mirror for a few seconds. When he had to focus back on traffic she took the chance to slide over to the side, disappearing in to the shadows of his car. She felt like punching something but most of all she felt like crying.

"I'm going to drive you home," he said as though he was offering her some great service.  
"It's Bronx right?" he asked but had to ask again before she acknowledge he was right by something sounding more like a grunt than a yes. Once they got up there she'd calmed down slightly and guided him a bit to find her building.

"You can take tomorrow off," Tucker said as they pulled up to her door, "Miller works a late shift. I want you in the bar Monday though, prepare for a late night."

Amanda sighed and reached for the door. The light turned on in the cabin.

"I can take care of the listening device until then," Tucker said turning slightly around in his seat. She shot him a glare but then started pulling up her top. She shot him another glare as he kept watching her but he seemed uneffected of it, just held her glare until she gave in. She could get the wire out of her bra without exposing too much so she bit down and then didn't even bother to wipe it off before she handed it to him. She took her ear piece out and put it in the palm of her hand hoping she would smear him with wax.

"Don't look so gloomy," Tucker said with a smirk, "It was a good days work, I'll make sure your sergeant knows it."

Amanda stepped out, hearing Cassidy sending her a quiet good night right before she slammed the door. She walked straight to the door, stomped down the hallway to the elevator and then pushed the button numerous times. She paced the small elevator as she rode upstairs, avoiding looking at herself in the mirror. She helped the door open up so she could get out of the small space quicker and then rushed down the corridor. She fumbled slightly with the keys in the door, feeling her hands tremble. Once inside she tossed her things and her shoes off right inside the door.

"You're home already?" Fin asked a bit surprised. He was planted in front of the TV with the remains of his early dinner on the table in front of him.

"Amanda?" he called after her as she just kept walking down the corridor. He hurried to get up but she'd disappeared out of sight when he reached the corridor. He found her in their bedroom, curled up on the bed with her back to him.

"What's going on?" he asked climbing over her on the bed. Her hands were pressed against her face and with his hand on her he could feel the sobs rumbling through her body.

"Hey," he tried pulling slightly at her wrist but she wouldn't let her own face go.

She pulled back but then scooted closer to him and he put his strong arm around her. He let her seek comfort in his embrace for a while but he had to know what had gone down tonight. Both to calm his own worries but also as she still wasn't allowing herself to have a good cry but tried to bottle it up and she obviously was in need of letting go right now.

"You have to tell me what happened," he urged when he could feel she'd gotten the sobs somewhat under control.  
"C-can't… w-we j-just n-not talk about it," she said with a broken voice that was a little hard to pick up as she was still pressing her hands to her face. He caught most of it though and rubbed her arm.

"No, we have to talk about it Amanda, what happened tonight?" he said determined on not letting her flee again.  
"Did you meet Soldier?" he tried asking as she wasn't saying anything.  
"No," she started but then added, "or yes, maybe, I dunno."  
"What do you mean? You don't know if you met him or not?" Fin didn't understand.  
"He was there but we didn't talk," Amanda rambled, "and then this guy in the bathroom, I dunno, attacking me and the door, and he's there. I didn't know what to do or say and then he was gone. Tucker said it was good but I dunno."

"W-what…" Fin was confused, "What do you mean attacked you? Soldier?"  
"No, this other guy, in the bathroom. Soldier saved me."  
"What other guy? What do you mean Soldier saved you? Where was your backup?"

Fin got up a little on his elbow. He didn't like the sound of this. Amanda let go of her face, her eyes were red and puffy, cheeks stained, nose running.

"This other guy that saw me the other week. There were a lot of people that saw me and they are all just so… it's just so…" she didn't seem to find the right words and it was obviously frustrating for her, she was waving her hands around in the space between them.

"Soldier broke the door down, told the guy to get out and then I was just standing there confounded, didn't know what to say or do and then he just left. I missed the moment. And fucking Tucker told Cassidy to not help me out. He's such a fucking idiot."

She was angry, gritting her teeth but at the same time more tears started to flow. Fin reached over her and grabbed a few tissues from the box on the bed stand that he handed to her. She wiped her face and blew her nose a few times.

"Tucker told Cassidy to stand down?" he asked as he watched her. She nodded. Fin grunted. _That fucking moron_.

"He said it was the right choice as it forced Soldier to come to my aid. I dunno maybe he was right. I made a big fool of myself in there, I let that man get the upper hand. It was my fault."  
"Hey," Fin said, "don't go there. No one have the right to attack you. And you're supposed to have backup. Tucker had no right making that decision at your expense. It's not right. He can't treat you like that."  
"He can treat me any way he like Fin," she said with a tremble to her voice, "I have to do this to save my job. I did this to myself."

He was about to argue with her but she put two fingers to his lips and then buried her head in his chest again.

"I have to do this," she mumbled so close to him he felt her lips move against him. He put his arm around her and rested his head down on the pillow while rubbing her back. He wasn't planning on letting it go, he would certainly have a word with Liv in the morning about this. For now he settled with just having her there.

He was starting to doze off. He'd thought she was asleep already but then she startled him by mumbling something.

"What?" he asked.  
"The raid? Did it go okay?"  
"Oh, the raid," he said and peeked up so he could see the alarm clock, "it hasn't gone down yet. Liv was going to text me when it was done. We won't know who they brought in until tomorrow though."

He laid back down getting his hand moving up and down her back again. It didn't take long until she shifted on the bed and started rolling away from him.

"Where you going?" he asked missing her already.  
"I'm just gonna get some water," she said looking, and sounding, a little thoughtful.  
"Hurry back," he said after her.  
"I will," she said before she disappeared around the corner.

Amanda sneaked down the hallway and then got a glass of water as she'd told Fin. But something was on her mind. Once she'd put the glass down she sneaked back to the door where she'd left her jacket on the floor. She got her phone and slipped in to the living room. She'd been able to restore her old phone numbers from the missing phone and she scrolled down until she found the one she was looking for. She hit the message icon next to the number, hesitated but then composed a message.

"Don't be at DH tonight."

She hit send before she changed her mind and then deleted the message even though she knew it would still be out there for a tech wiz to find. It wasn't that she wanted to save Anton from getting arrested, it was more she feared the retribution. She couldn't be in debt to him. She just wouldn't be able to handle a face down with him right now. She really hoped she hadn't just risked Sierra's life. That would be even more devastating. There was just no way to win and she curled up on the couch hugging the phone close to her chest.


	14. Chapter 14: Blindsided

I'm sorry for the hiatus. This chapter has some strong language again. And I know there's something called doctor/patient confidentiality but it's a fic so bare with me, I needed Liv &amp; Olivet to talk. Happy reading &amp; have a nice weekend! XO

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**Chapter 14: Blindsided**

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"_Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves"_ **Confucius**

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When Fin and Amanda arrived at precinct 16's station house the following Monday morning the void between them wasn't just noticeable physically but Fin also felt it.

Their Sunday had been anything but pleasant. No, trying, exhausting and miserable were better descriptions of the Sunday they had. When he woke up she was already up and about. Judging by the way she looked she hadn't slept much during the night and she didn't greet him with a _good morning_ but instantly started asking him to call Liv and ask about the raid.

She'd been on his phone and read the text that came in at around midnight. All it said was that the raid was done, no unnecessary force had been needed, about twenty women had been taken in to custody and about twice as many men. Okeke had not been among the men though.

She wanted him to call Liv and ask for more details. She didn't say it out loud but he knew she wanted word on Sierra. It was not even 8 am though and it was their sergeant's one day off this week. He said it was too early to call and when she pushed he said _no_ sternly. He could tell she tried her best to accept the answer but it didn't take long until her distress manifested in her body language, she was squirming and stirring and didn't stay in the same place for more than a few moments.

During the time it took him to make scrambled eggs and bacon she'd asked him four times if they could call Liv now. He was too tired to be bugged but once he had food in his system, food she said she wanted nothing off, her nagging started to get to him. He finally snapped at her to just go take a shower and chill, get out of last night's clothes perhaps. She gave him a glare before she stomped down the corridor. He didn't care though as long as he could enjoy at least his second cup of coffee.

It wouldn't take long until she came back though, her hair bundled up in a towel and with only a tee thrown on. She was determined for him to call Liv now or she threatened to call herself. He could tell though she was afraid to call. Maybe it was the cry for help in her eyes or the scrapes he could see on her knees along with the bruises higher up on her legs that made it impossible for him to deny her this one request, even though it was rudely put out there.

Trying to listen in to their conversation she came so close to him he could feel her breath on his hand and he could smell the soap on her skin. She mouthed Sierra a few times before Liv finally told him that Sierra had been one of the females removed from the club. Amanda wasn't satisfied with that though, even Liv could hear that. Liv had wanted to keep it a secret but Amanda used Fin to force her to let them know Sierra, along with two other females, had been taken to the hospital. Neither one of them was critical though but would probably need an extensive stay at the hospital.

Amanda wanted to know which hospital she was at but then Liv put her foot down. Lamar Okeke was a fugitive at this time and under no circumstances did Liv want Amanda anywhere near this investigation. If Okeke spotted her and pegged her for a cop she would have a serious threat on her head.

"I don't care," had been Amanda's response but Liv had, again through Fin, reasoned with her that it wouldn't just mean a threat to her but to Fin and the entire squad as well. That got Amanda to back off slightly. Liv asked if that was it, and in a soft but still strict tone asked if she could get back to her day off. Amanda just had one more question. _Had Anton been one of the men apprehended? _

Liv got a little suspicious by the question, so did Fin, and asked if there was a reason she thought he would be there. She said she was just wondering. Liv couldn't see what Fin saw, the slight blush on her cheek and the other telltales that she was slightly apprehensive. No, Anton had not been at the club as far as Liv knew but she hadn't asked for a list of the male ones apprehended so she couldn't be absolutely sure.

Before they hung up Liv told Fin to try and get his partner to unwind and rest as she was expected back at work tomorrow. That would prove easier said than done. Right after the call Amanda seemed low, and withdrawn like her mind was going thousand miles an hour. He had to ask about Anton but she was too dazed to give any satisfying answers. Once she seemed to have collected her thoughts she went back to being stubborn about visiting Sierra. She asked him if he didn't have any connections that could give them the information. Surely he'd worked long enough within the NYPD to know where to find this information.

It escalated in to a rather heated brawl that had him shouting at her just as loud as she was shouting at him. Once her tears was flinging just as rapidly as her words, and she made no attempts to hide them, he quiet down though. He hated to see her distressed like that. Calming down he realized she was just coming from a place of worry over Sierra. He felt bad for having such a short temper with her and tried to get through to her about the risks she would be taking in pushing to visit Sierra. Not just for herself but for Sierra too.

_I have to know she's okay_, came her response through tears. Tears she then had started wiping of her face and that she felt embarrassed over. He did have one guy he knew worked narcotics in Brooklyn and he tried putting in a call. Amanda waited eagerly by his side as he got through the formalities and catching up on the plus 5 years since they last talked. Fin could tell his old friend got a bit standoffish when the real reason for him calling him out of the blue came out. He did however promise to check what he could find out and would call back in a bit.

During those thirty minutes it took for him to call back Fin tried to get Amanda to stop pacing_. How about eating something? What about catching up on Naked &amp; Afraid?_ No. And no. She just wanted the phone to ring. He didn't dare to ask her to come just sit down by his side, her in only a tee was tempting enough as it was and he felt bad for what felt like, at least time wise, very inappropriate thoughts.

Once the call had come in it did nothing to calm her. Fin's friend could only give them what they already knew, a woman named Sierra Larson had been apprehended during a raid tonight and taken to an undisclosed hospital for treatment of non-critical injuries. Fin knew he couldn't push his friend and said thanks for the information even though Amanda was gesturing very animated by his side.

She'd been furious he'd just hung up and said they had to call someone else. Fin said no though and he just sat back and watched her as she called up their sergeant again. He couldn't hear what Liv was saying but he did hear Amanda's side of the call. Her voice was barely holding as she asked, no begged, Liv to, if she couldn't visit Sierra at least if Liv could find out how she was doing. He could tell on Amanda's body language Liv tried to reason with her. Amanda fought tears and she bit down nervously on her nails. She didn't like whatever Liv was telling her but a few _please_ and _buts_ later he got from the tears that started falling that Amanda knew she wouldn't get to see her friend.

She managed to keep the tears off her voice but the moment she hung up with their sergeant he saw sobs ripple through her body as she turned her back to him. He let her be for a few moments but then his heart couldn't take it and he got off the couch and walked over to her. His hand on her shoulder made her flinch and the next moment he had a '_get your hands off me'_ in his face right before Amanda took off down the corridor. She slammed her door shut so hard Fin saw the photo frames on the wall outside shiver.

He didn't feel he deserved to be yelled at but he had some understanding for her so he just let her be. He didn't see her for hours and was left just watching TV as he felt afraid to leave the apartment without her. When she finally came out she was in her running gear. She told him in so many words that she was going for a run and she was out through the door before he had a chance to say anything.

He feared running was just an excuse for her to get out of the apartment and that she somehow found out where Sierra was at. For two hours he was worried she would run in to Okeke or that she'd gone to see Anton but when she finally came back she was drenched and looked very much like she had in fact been out running.

He followed her to the bathroom when she'd refused to stop by the living room even though he called her over. Her ignorant attitude built up some anger again but he did his best to keep it down as he let her know she'd worried him by just taking off like that. Her acknowledgement, by a simple nod, wasn't enough for him so he went on to say he didn't find it fair she punished him when he had tried to help her out. She had started stripping down in front of him, seeming like she didn't care one bit and for the first time in a long time he got to see her completely naked.

_You done_, she asked once he'd been left just staring for a while. He was still sound enough to figure out getting undressed could've been a deliberate move to shut him up but it had still worked and she turned and stepped in to the shower when he was left standing there stunned.

She'd said no more than a few words to him for the rest of the day. She took a brief break from whatever she was doing in her room to sit down to have Chinese with him. They ate straight out of the boxes which made it hard for him to keep an eye on how much she ate. He went back to check the bin though where she'd tossed her box. He would've wanted her to eat a bit more but he had to be pleased with a little these days.

They had slept in the same bed but she'd kept to her side, leaving more than an arm's length between them. He knew because he had checked. Not even his fingertips could reach her and the empty sheet between the two of them made him so sad he finally had to roll over to his other side to lose the sad image in front of his eyes. Listening to her calm breathing at least gave him some comfort.

Either Nick or Keith saw the void between them though as Fin and Amanda walked in to the station right in time for their shift. Amanda kept her head down but repaid the detectives _good morning_ with a brief nod and the best smile she could produce this morning. Liv spotted them walking in and put her hand in the air to greet them.

"Rollins, can you get in here," she shouted from inside. She would've liked to do it a little more graceful but she was organizing files on her desk and even had some in her lap. She had a need to check in with Amanda asap though.

Nick picked up on Liv asking Amanda to close the door behind her and was a little disappointed he wouldn't be able to try and listen in.

"So she's back?" he asked Fin.  
"She's here isn't she?" Fin answered with a bit of attitude without looking over.

Nick shook his head just slightly, not enough for Fin to pick up out of the corner of his eye but Keith saw it and raised his eyebrow a little when Nick turned his focus back on his desk. Keith wasn't usually the guy who kept his mouth shut, his tongue had gotten him in trouble before, but this place was starting to tame him. There were subjects you just didn't talk about and he'd learnt one of those subjects was Amanda Rollins.

It suited him rather well after the close encounter he had with her the other week, an encounter that had played in his head a few nights as he was tossing and turning between empty sheets. The touch, the way she smelled, the things she'd said. Those thoughts were enough to get him a hard on and had it been any other girl it would've been good material to jerk off to. But this was Amanda Rollins and you didn't talk about Amanda Rollins so involving her in any, even behind closed doors, erotic fantasies was a no-no. Even Keith grasped that. He still wasn't completely sure why she was such a sore subject though, he wasn't even sure his squad or sergeant knew that.

When Amanda walked out of Liv's office she looked collected enough. Nick thought maybe he spotted a slight blush over her cheek but he wasn't sure.

"You want me to send over the current case file or are you up to date?" he asked.

It seemed to take her a moment to register what he'd said and that it was aimed at her but then she gave him a nod.

"I'm briefed but please do send it over," she said sitting down.  
"Okay," he said, softening his voice slightly as she looked a bit embarrassed, "coming right over."  
"Thanks," she said opening up her computer. She seemed to remember only after she was seated that she usually hung her jacket first but she ended up just folding it back over her chair.

Liv had wanted to know how Amanda was holding up with Tucker and if there had been any progress. Amanda told her there hadn't been any progress really. Miller hadn't really approached her but Tucker seemed to be positive he still would. She told Liv Tucker wanted her in the bar tonight and Liv told her to make sure she didn't wear herself down, if she needed to take a sleep in it was perfectly okay and Liv would cover if it was needed. Amanda said she didn't think it would be necessary, so far she'd been home early enough.

Liv let her know Tucker had sent over the complete files of the UC operation, after a reminder, and Liv expressed her concern that Amanda might be forced to see some violence in order to trap these guys. _Could she handle that?_ Obviously Amanda said she could but Liv made sure she knew it was okay to step off this operation at any point if she felt that anything got too much or too dangerous.

Amanda couldn't leave without asking about Sierra and the raid. Liv had expected her to and told her she'd heard back from the people in charge of the raid Saturday. Sierra was still in the hospital but doing a lot better. But no, before Amanda asked, it was still not safe for her to pay her a visit at the hospital. Amanda had wanted to coax, she knew Liv wasn't just holding her from Sierra to spite her but Amanda had this feeling she would just feel better if she could see Sierra. She wouldn't even have to talk to her, if only she could see her, then she would feel better and feeling better was all she wanted right now.

Liv was determined though, she wanted Amanda nowhere near this raid or Sierra. Liv asked her to just focus on their cases for now and getting through this UC operation, after that they could talk about Sierra again. Amanda wasn't sure she could wait that long, she had no idea when Miller would reach out to her, if he even would. _He had an opportunity Saturday but he'd walked off, surely he would've used that time if he was even interested in recruit her? _

She had a hard time getting focused on the case but Nick pulled them out of the squad room rather quickly. He asked Fin and Amanda if they could interview some witnesses while he and Keith looked at some leads on the perp. Nick suggested they could switch duties when Fin and Amanda stayed quiet but then Fin hurried to speak for them both and said it was okay. Nick could tell not everything was _okay_ but he at least hoped they wouldn't screw up his case.

Amanda did manage to snap back to detective mode but her concern over Sierra kept playing in the back of her mind. Fin could tell she eased up on him a little which also made him aware of her mind being a bit shattered. She stayed thoughtful and quiet but did answer him when asked something revolving the case. He'd take that for now.

She managed to be involved with the witness statement but whenever they had a minute her mind drifted to Sierra. Any other day she might've picked up on the familiar car that had trailed them to the second witness and was still on their tale as they drove the short distance to the next witness. They were just about to park when Amanda's phone beeped.

_I need to talk to you. A._

She felt a slight chill go down her back as she checked the side mirror and spotted the car slowly coming up on them. She hurried to text back as she stepped out of the car.

_I can't right now._

She walked up to the house with Fin coming up by her side. She felt her phone buzz in her back pocket but she tried to ignore it as they walked inside. Her nerves got the best of her though and she checked her phone while Fin tried to find out what floor they were heading to.

_You can. You will. Make an excuse_

She looked at Fin, squeezing her phone so tight it risked slipping out of her sweaty hand. When he turned to her he could tell immediately that something was wrong.

"What?" he asked.  
"I… I need to…," her mind was completely blank.  
"What's going on?" he asked taking a step closer to her, his eyes going down to the phone she was clutching really hard, "Who texted you?"

She pulled a deep breath that got stuck in her throat. The last thing she wanted was to go out to see Anton right now but she knew she had to.

"It was nothing. I just need to step out for a sec, I left something in the car. I'll be right back," she tried to step around him but he grabbed a hold of her arm. Hard. But she didn't even frown.

"What's going on Amanda?" he asked pinning her down with his eyes. Being that close he could see how shallow her breath was.

"Who texted?" he asked again.  
"Anton," she said quietly.  
"He's outside?" he asked seeing how her eyes kept shifting towards the door. Before she had a chance to answer him he'd made a bolt to the door.

"No, Fin, please," she said trying to grab a hold of him. She managed to get in front of him and she pushed him back from the door.

"You can't," she breathed.  
"Sure the hell I can, there's no way I'm letting him close to you again," he answered with flares coming out of this eyes.  
"I made the mess Fin, _I'm_ the one who has to get myself out of it," she said and managed to snap him out of his rage.  
"You're not alone in this Amanda," he said seriously, putting his hand over hers that was still planted firmly on his chest.

She looked up at him, tried to collect herself.

"I know I'm not," she said just as seriously once she'd been able to collect herself and her thoughts, "but _this_ I have to take care of myself."

He held her eyes for a few moments before he started glancing out over her shoulder to be able to think and not get caught in just how gorgeous her eyes were when she got intense like this.

"He's in a car…?" he asked. She nodded once he looked at her.  
"You don't get in the car with him," he said firmly, "You stay where I can keep my eye on you."  
"He can't see you Fin," she said frowning.  
"He won't. Not as long as you stay where I can watch you."

She could tell he wasn't backing down and she didn't have the time to convince him right now.

"Okay," she said letting her hand slip off his chest.

He hated feeling her hand slid away from underneath his and he fought and urge to grab on to her and just hold her there until everything was over, until Anton was gone and everything was just safe and sound.

"I'll be okay," she mumbled as she turned to the door and slipped out.

He grabbed it before it fully closed and watched her skip slightly down the stairs. When she turned right he carefully sneaked out on the first step, trying to keep his big frame out of sight from Anton. He leaned slightly forward to see her get down of the curb, cross between two cars and cross the street. He suspected which car she was heading towards and knew he was right when she stopped by a rolled down window in the back seat. He was ready to run down if she so even made an attempt to grab the door.

"Get in," she heard Anton say as he slid across the back seat. She caught herself just before her eyes were about to slide back over at Fin who she knew would be watching.

"I'm not getting in a car with you," she said hoping he couldn't hear the fear in her voice.

He just glared at her for a while but then slid back over so he could open the door. She was a little surprised to see him step out, she would've thought he would put up a bigger fight. Once out on the street though he grabbed a hold of her arm and pulled her around the car and up on the curb. Once Anton let her go she took a step back to get distance from him but also to give Fin a better view of her as the curb was partly covered by trees. She figured he would at least see parts of her where she was standing now.

She watched Anton bring up a smoke and lit the end on fire. He pulled two long drags just glaring at her.

"I need to head back in before my partner comes looking for me," she finally said getting stressed by him making her wait.

Anton kept glaring at her for a few seconds but then finally spoke.

"Okeke is on a rampage," he said sounding annoyed, "He's down everyone's throat, been down mine, trying to find out who ratted him out."  
"I'm sorry," she said softly. She wasn't sure what else she could say. Anton snorted.  
"Sorry won't help if I put you in front of Okeke," Anton said.  
"You wouldn't do that," Amanda said. Anton raised his eyebrows at her.  
"It would implicate you, you'd be dead too," she said with a shrug.

She wasn't sure if he snorted again or if it was a chuckle as Anton turned his head down, shuffling some gravel around with his foot. She wasn't sure about the face he gave her either when he finally looked up. When he suddenly charged her she backed up quickly, her back ending up against the car and she held her breath bracing herself for whatever was coming. She managed to take some short, shallow breaths when no fist or punch came. There were still some air between them but it filled up with the smoke from his cigarette. The smell filled her nose and she was dying to have a drag as she knew it would calm her nerves. She found it hard to keep looking back in to his intense stare.

"I am really sorry Anton," she whispered.

She thought his face eased up a little but she wasn't sure. She was at least grateful that when his hand came up between them it was for him to take a drag of his smoke. Maybe it was the way she looked at the cig or the fact she wet her lips while doing it that made him aware of her craving and he let her have a drag of his smoke.

She kept a soft hand on his arm as she inhaled the smoke, welcoming the poison in to her body. She turned her head slightly once she was ready to exhale and let the smoke out to the side of them. His eyes had been fixed on her mouth for a while but now they started glancing downwards. With his other hand he flipped her jacket slightly to the side to get a better look on the badge on her belt, or maybe his eyes were elsewhere, she wasn't completely sure.

"You still owe me you know," he said while letting his eyes slowly move up her body again.

"I never got to spend that night with you as you promised," he said as she looked confused. She wasn't sure if that was good news or not, part of her wished that their deal could've just been over with but if he thought more of that than Okeke killing him then the threat might not be as severe as Anton tried to make it out to be.

"I spent the night in the ER," she breathed, "and most of the following day."

She'd hoped that would factor in but judging by his face he wasn't impressed. He closed in on her even more.

"You got your girl, I got… nada," he said through a clinched jaw.  
"I warned you, about the raid," she tried.  
"I wasn't even there that night," he countered quickly.  
"I still took a risk warning you," she said keeping her palms pressed to the car so she wouldn't shove him back and risk aggravating him even more.  
"And I'm grateful but it's still not enough… Shay."

He shot her a short grin that disappeared as he wet his lower lip, putting his hand on the car beside her so he could lean in even more.

"This situation with Okeke, it's really making me tense," he whispered, his warm breath caressing her cheek, "You could help me with that tension right? Just like I helped you with your tension in the club. I expect repayment. You chose which way you pay it, if you want to…" he let his eyes go down her body again, "or you'll provide me with some… information when I need it. I leave the decision to you darling."

He leaned in even closer, she turned her face away from him which made him stop right by her cheek. She felt his lips brush up against her skin as he moved his head up slightly.

"Talk to you soon," he whispered and let his lips nibble over her cheekbone for a while. When she finally frowned he chuckled. He got off and with a brusque hand more or less ripped her away from the car so he could get in. He flicked the cigarette right at her and she had to shift sideways to not get hit by it. He formed his lips to a kiss before he shut the door between them. She clinched her fists to not flip him off and crossed the street as Anton's car took off.

She spotted Fin, he'd taken a few steps down. He'd seen Anton grab her and been afraid he would pull her in to the car.

"What happened?" he asked even before she reached the stairs. He could tell on the strained breath she took that she was rattled and he saw her unclench her fists, her knuckles still white as she brushed her palms against her jeans. She slowly made her way up to him but then couldn't face him and tried to get passed him.

"Amanda," he said putting a soft hand on her arm.  
"It's just…" she started but had to bite down to not start crying.  
"It's just what?" he tried helping her along.  
"…such a mess," she said shaking her head. She still couldn't commit her eyes at him.  
"What did he want?" he tried instead.  
"Okeke's been hounding him," she said trying to straighten herself up a little, "He feels I still owe him…"  
"So he wants you to…" he couldn't really put in to the words the deal he knew she'd struck with Anton but he didn't have to as Amanda nodded.

"Or I'll slip him information when he needs it. He left the choice to me."  
"That son of a bitch," Fin gritted his teeth. He had to let her arm go as he felt a need to form a fist.  
"It's my fault too, I made a deal with the devil, how could I expect that to go over well," Amanda said letting out a contrived chuckle that got cut short as she had to swallow down acid in her throat.

He wanted to comfort her but he wasn't sure what to say to that. He was angry she'd made that deal in the first place, it was reckless and plain stupid to get in to business with such a creep.

"I dunno, maybe I should just do it," Amanda wiped her hands on her jeans again. Her skin was crawling and she wasn't sure what to do with herself. The top of the stairs seemed too small and crowded for her liking.

"Hey, you're not thinking of…" he said facing her head on.  
"How will I… I mean isn't it better to just get it over with, get him off my back…" she said, her eyes avoiding his as she was too ashamed to commit.  
"You're not selling yourself Amanda, that's not an option, shouldn't even have been put on the table in the first place," Fin said grabbing a hold of her arm again.

Amanda squirmed and got out of his grip. He could tell how squirmy she was and let her have some room.

"Don't even think about it," he said after a while not wanting her to get lost in her own thoughts for too long, "We'll trap him for something, surely we can think of something."  
"But then what? He'll be out in a few and on my back again. I won't get rid of him that way. It will just prolong the torment. No, I'll just go through with it. It's not like I haven't put out before, I'll get through it again, I'll be fine."

He could tell how much she suffered just thinking about it though, a part of him pleased that she didn't want to willingly bed Gordon's spawn.

"No Amanda," he said firmly, "it's not happening. We'll find another way to get him off your back."

She finally was able to properly face him and she wanted to believe that honesty she saw in his eyes. She had doubt he could help her though.

"Let's get out of here," he finally said, her tension starting to rub off on him.  
"But… what about the witness?" she asked.  
"Let's just say she was out for now. Let's grab lunch, think this through and then go back later or tomorrow. We already have good leads to this perp," he said and continued down the stairs. She felt bad for letting her personal mess interfere with work but part of her was happy to get out of there as well so she didn't linger longer than necessary.

They bought take-away and went to sit in a park. Neither of them was that hungry though, and not that talkative either. Anton worried Fin. He knew Anton had weaseled his way out of court before but he reeked of being a lowlife. With Gordon as a father and following his footsteps in to the sex industry there was no way around it. Anton would be Gordon in a couple of years.

Amanda did her best to keep her mind off Anton but deep down she was already mentally trying to prepare herself to bed him. That slobbery mouth, that hand she already knew intimately. She cringed just thinking about it. The images got blurry. Got mixed. Gordon's rough jawline rubbing her skin raw, the way he's hairy chest felt against her back. His moaning, getting crushed underneath his fat, repulsive body. His hand around her throat, the image of that cross tattooed over his back…

Fin got ripped from his thoughts as Amanda suddenly lunged towards the trash bin by the bench they were sitting at. The contents of her take-away box spilled all over the ground as she heaved in to the bin. He wasn't sure what to do, her hair was already in a ponytail, so he ended up just standing helpless by her side as dry heaves took over. He'd always hated the sound of puking and today was no different, it was even worse when it was her actually. He started to feel sick himself and sat back down on the bench.

She stayed bent over the bin for a while, spitting and trying to regain her usual breathing pattern. He handed her a couple of wipes and she mumbled a thanks. He took the lid of his water bottle and handed it to her as well. He gave her some room by sliding away on the bench and also give her a chance to sit down if she wanted to. He put his food container to the side, not feeling so hungry any longer.

After having rinsed out her mouth a couple of times she sat down next to him. She picked up her soda and handed it to him as she figured she'd ruined his drink for him.

"Thanks," he smiled and had some to get rid of the acid in his mouth. He let her sit for a bit, both listening to a siren bouncing against a building not far from them.

"What you say about heading back to the station. You should lie down for a bit, rest up to be able to face Tucker. That ugly mug could make anyone gag," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood. Amanda's frown didn't turn upward though.

"Yeah, let's do that," she just said picking up her spilled box to throw in the bin as well. The fact she didn't object to special treatment let him know she really wasn't feeling well at all. And he couldn't blame her.

**Walking back in to** the station Nick was just coming out of Liv's office and he wasn't sure what looked different about the partners but they looked even worse than when he'd last seen them.

"You got anything?" he asked. Amanda made a stop but Fin put his hand on her arm and made her keep walking. Nick looked a little confused, and possibly annoyed, as he watched her give Fin a slight nod and then head further in.

"Where she going?" Nick asked.  
"Cut her some slack okay," Fin said lacking energy in his voice.  
"She just came back to work and you want me to cut _her_ some slack?" Nick questioned. Fin gave him a glare.  
"So did you get anything?" Nick asked to cover up he felt a little bad for giving his partner a scoff.

Fin took a deep breath as he tried to think back what the two first witnesses had said. He started with what little they'd gotten from the first one. His eyes kept shifting over in to Liv's office though. He really felt a need to talk to her about what Tucker had put Amanda through Saturday.

"Did they both see that?" Nick asked.  
"Huh? What?" Fin asked.  
"You just said the witness, Mrs Johnson, saw him tripp but Ms Sheen did too and I thought…"  
"No Ms Sheen was the one who saw that, I mixed them up. Johnson just saw him running," Fin said with a sigh, rubbing his scalp. Nick looked at him a bit annoyed.

"Look, I'll write it up for you, I'll get it sorted, right now I got to…" Fin wasn't sure what to say and finally just stepped around Nick who instantly grew even more annoyed, boarding on angry as he watched Fin step in to Liv's office and close the door behind him. _What was with all the closed doors in this squad room all of a sudden?_ It really infuriated Nick and he made a bit of extra ruckus as he sat down at his desk.

"What's up?" Liv asked as she looked up and caught Fin closing the door behind him.  
"Did you hear Tucker let Amanda get attacked the other night and didn't let anyone come to her help?" he said walking up to her desk. His voice much more together than just a moment ago out in the squad room with Nick.

"No, when?" Liv asked a little shocked.  
"Saturday. He even told Cassidy to stand back."  
"How was she attacked?"  
"Some guy jumped her in the bathroom."  
"At the cop bar?" Liv asked a bit surprised. Fin nodded.  
"Is she okay?" Liv asked. Fin shrugged.  
"She is now but she was rather riled up Saturday when she got home. Understandably so."  
"Yeah of course," Liv agreed, "but what exactly happened? How did it end?"  
"Well that guy they are tailing walked in on them and the guy took off. Tucker seems to think that made it okay, you now cause the guy made contact but I say that's bull. What if he hadn't walked in? How far would Tucker have let it go on for? She's not safe with that moron in charge."  
"Okay, okay," Liv said to try and get Fin to calm back down, "It is most definitely not okay to put her in a situation like that. I'll try and talk to him. I wish Amanda would've told me though, she said nothing to me this morning."

Liv felt a little disappointed and looked out in search of the blonde detective.

"Where is she?" Liv asked when she couldn't see her.  
"I… sent her back to the bunks to lay down for a bit, Tucker wants her at the bar again tonight. It's not a good place for her Liv."  
"I know it's not Fin. I will try and talk to him but you know he's not… easily persuaded," Liv sighed.

Fin sighed too. He thought about letting her know Anton had showed up but he already felt that he was balancing a fine line with the trust he knew Amanda had for him. He wouldn't want to jeopardize that and decided they would have to sort out Anton on their own. He moved towards the door.

"Thanks Fin," Liv said making him look back over his shoulder, "for briefing me and, you know, just for watching out for her."

He gave her a nod and tried his best to give her a smile. He appreciated it but he would much rather be able to watch out for her inside that bar seeing how Tucker was doing such a poor job with it.

**The day went on**. Nick, Keith and Fin kept working the case. Fin could tell Nick kept throwing glances down the corridor and finally he started to worry as she'd been gone for hours. He went to check on her and found her curled up on one of the bunks sleeping calmly so he sneaked back out feeling pleased that she was getting some much needed rest. Once she finally joined them back in the squad room she looked a little embarrassed and even though she tried hard she couldn't really hide the fact she'd been sleeping.

"Don't worry about it," Fin said to her quietly over their desks as he could tell how much she was stressing over being absent for much longer than planned. She managed to shot him a brief smile before both of them glanced over to catch Nick looking at them and all three turned their focus down on their laptops.

Again Fin had to drive home on his own as Amanda headed straight to IAB and Tucker. Liv had tried her best to get a hold of Tucker during the day but he wasn't picking up his phone nor had he replied to any of her three voice messages.

Amanda tried to pump Tucker for a little more information from the raid but Tucker said it was out of his hands now. All he knew was that Okeke still wasn't apprehended. He didn't know anything about any girls still being at the hospital.

He'd already been trying to goad her by asking if she'd calmed down from Saturday. Amanda's nap had done her good though, she was still a little on edge but Tucker's slurs didn't get to her. It was actually quite amusing to see how her letting them just rinse off her seemed to bother him. She wondered if Cassidy had learnt this too. If so he hid it well behind his sulky face.

"So he's on his way here," Tucker let Amanda know once they had parked down the street from the pub.  
"I'm going to keep Cassidy out here with me tonight okay," Tucker said and it was more a statement than a question. Amanda hated to throw Cassidy under the bus but she couldn't help herself and said;  
"It's not like he's much help inside anyways. Thanks to you."

Amanda got out of the car before she had to face Tucker's deadly glare. She tried to contain her smirk as she crossed the street and as she got closer to the door it slowly faded on its own. Saturday's incident only added to the discomfort she was already feeling about having to face this place and its guests over and over again. Walking in she realized she would miss having Cassidy in there more than she'd thought. It felt like everyone was looking at her as she walked in. For a moment she thought the guy from Saturday was standing by the bar but she realized it was just someone resembling him and she was able to breath.

The spot by the bar where Miller often sat was open and she felt a bit daring as she walked up there and had a seat in it. The bartender, that she by now knew as James, brought a beer as he walked up to her and she flashed him a smile.

"You know my flavor already," she said handing him a bill.  
"It's my job," he said a bit casually but he did give her a smile. Something told her though James didn't like her presence. _She wondered if he maybe knew about the operation? Or maybe he just didn't like her and her skanky ways? She figured it was probably the latter as she took a slug of her beer._

Just as the other nights she didn't have to feel lonely at this place. This time she really tried to pay attention to the guy who was talking to her. His name was Billy. He was 41. He showed her a picture of his young son and his dog that he had in his phone. Both the son and dog were cute. She wished he could've stuck to showing her pics of them but instead she had to sit through plus thirty pics of his catch from this weekend's fishing trip. She didn't mind fishing but there really was a limit to how many gutted fishes she liked to see on a day when she had already puked once.

Soldier's presence by her side made her wise up though. A cold lump formed in her gut as she felt his elbow bump in to hers on the bar. She thought about getting off _his_ chair but that would probably seem odd so she just sat there and tried to listen to Billy and his fishing stories. She was aware of every move Miller did though even though she had her head turned away, she could see him in the mirror behind the bar through the corner of her eye.

He had ordered a beer by putting a finger in the air and he paid with a card, now waiting for the bartender to come back with it. His elbow was still right by her arm and she could feel, his jacket?, against her hip. She'd never picked up on his scent before but today she did, it was something musky. Something that reminded her very much of her father for some reason. She knew she must be imagining the heat he seemed to radiate. _Surely he couldn't be that warm so she could actually feel it?_

When the bartender arrived with his card he quickly took his beer and left her side. She missed his warmth instantly and even let out a sigh which Billy questioned.

"Do I bore you that much?" he chuckled but then nervously had a taste of his beer.  
"Oh no, you don't, not at all. I'm just bushed, you know… police work," she hurried to say.

Thankfully Billy had a friend and he wasn't as in to fish or fishing it seemed so the conversation steered in to the upcoming NBA season. Amanda had lost track of it so she appreciated Billy's friend updating her on the latest gossip surrounding new recruits. She managed to lure them off the bar by complaining it was getting a bit too crowded and Billy suggested they moved further in which gave her an opportunity to scoop out Miller.

Sitting down by a table not far from the standing table Miller was at she had a chance to keep her eyes on him. She wasn't sure what good it would do though. _Maybe she just wasn't what he was looking for? Maybe he wasn't even Soldier? It would be rather funny if Tucker had it wrong_, Amanda thought and tried to hide the smirk that spread on her face. _But what if she didn't do her part? What if she wasn't doing a good enough job convincing him she was what he was looking for?_

"You look like you need another beer," this guy to her right said and gave her a wink when she turned to him.  
"Or maybe something stronger?" he suggested.  
"Something stronger would be great," she smiled at him and he took off almost immediately.

Miller stayed at his table, not really talking to anyone. _She found him so odd._ _He seemed to blend in so well even though he had this very grim demeanor and the fact he rarely spoke to anyone really made him stand out in this bar. Still he just melted in like he was a part of the decor. And behind the grim look she saw something sad in his eyes. _

She froze a little once he caught her staring at him and she tried to cover it up but knew she'd done a poor job of it. He'd caught her looking and it made her feel even more useless.

Before she knew it she'd emptied the stronger drink she'd been served a little earlier and she found herself saying yes please to a second one. Miller had finally seemed to find someone he wanted to exchange a few words with and she even saw him smile once at something the other man said. Soon enough though he was alone again. He'd gotten another beer from the man he was with earlier and he was back to slowly sipping it while scanning the place. She could feel ever so often though that his eyes lingered on her.

She tried to ignore him best she could and instead engage in the conversation she was in the middle of at her table. For some reason they had gotten in to talking about female products and they had all sorts of questions for her about tweezers and eyelash curlers and things she wasn't even sure she'd heard of before. Definitely not things she kept in her bathroom.

"I'm really the wrong girl to ask," she chuckled, "I've been a tomboy all my life."  
"Well you don't look like a tomboy," one of the guys said as he eyed her.

She pretended to get a little offended and playfully slapped him on his shoulder.

"You even hit like a girl," he said and set off another round of laughter around the table.  
"Oh you," she said and, still playfully but a little harder, gave the guy a row of punches right where she knew it would hurt at least a little.

Someone dared her to arm-wrestle but she knew her arm muscles were her weak spot so she designated another guy to battle for her. Bottles were removed from the table so the challenge could go down. Amanda's guy won for her and he was briefly awarded by getting her in his lap so another guy could sit down to wrestle another one. When everyone had wrestled each other Amanda's guy had beat them all and she was pleased she had picked a winner.

She'd gotten so lost in what happened around the table she had totally forgot to keep an eye on Miller and when she realized she couldn't spot him by the table. She got a little stressed and excused herself from the table. Someone complained but she hurried to say she was just getting another drink. She heard someone offer to get her one but she pretended not to hear him. She tried to not make it too obvious she was looking for Miller but got a little upset when she couldn't see his shaved head anywhere.

Turning around to check down by the bathrooms she suddenly found herself eye to eye with Miller. She caught herself gasping slightly. She had almost run in to him but managed to stop in time and the hand she'd raised to brace herself against him with slowly dropped again. He just held her eyes and for a few seconds it was like all background noise disappeared.

She wasn't sure what to do but felt panic rise as Miller folded his eyes down and looked as though he was stepping around her.

"Hey," she said and got him to stop and turn his head slightly towards her again. She tried to bite down the nervousness that had taken her over.

"I just… wanted to say thanks for the other day," she said. She wet her lips nervously as he turned to fully face her again. His frame was really intimidating and his look was so intense.

"I mean I-I would've handled him, l-like I can take care of myself but… thanks. Thank you," she felt like a fool for stumbling on her words and she bit down to not say something more stupid.

His eyes seemed to narrow slightly and she worried for a while he was angry at her. _He probably thought she was a fool. There was no way he would ever want anything to do with her. Why would he?_

She caught the nod though. It was short and could've been accidental but she was pretty sure it was aimed at her. His face lost a bit of grimness but that was all she got before he turned around and headed for the exit. Her entire composure fell. _What was she doing wrong? _

"You look like you could use a beer," someone said to her right. She kept staring after Miller's shaved head steering towards the exit but then a beer bottle came in to her eyesight and she looked sideways to the guy dangling it in front of her. He was holding on to another two bottles. _Why did everyone say she looked like she needed alcohol tonight? _

"I could. You sure?" she still said trying her best to smile.  
"Go ahead, I'll get another one for my lad," the man smiled.  
"Thanks," Amanda said and took the bottle from him.  
"Wait here?" he said but didn't wait for an answer as he stepped back over to the bar. She took a swig of the beer as her eyes went back over to the door. _What could she do to connect with Miller? What was he looking for? _

Her thoughts got interrupted as the guy came back, restocked on bottles in his hands and he asked her to join him and his friends. She wasn't sure what else to do as Tucker wasn't talking to her and she'd do anything right now to get Miller and her sloppy job of trapping him out of her mind. She would be able to almost empty her bottle before Tucker finally checked in. He let her know Miller seemed to be heading home yet again and he would send Cassidy inside to keep an eye on her until she decided to leave.

She wasn't sure having Cassidy to watch over her made her feel any more secure. The following three beers did a much better job of it. The guys she hung out with were really cool, and fun. She found herself laughing out loud several times and it was such a good feeling. They treated her like one of the guys, well that was until she might've mentioned she was pretty good at lap dances and might've ended up grinding one of them to prove her point.

Realizing that it drew quite a few eyes and even earned her a few applauds shifted something inside of her and she found herself providing another guy the same service as his friend. When she'd gone through the same routine with him she felt quite pleased to feel the bulge in his pants as she straddled him. He'd asked how he could repay her, he mentioned he was out of bills, and she told him flattering was enough.

She didn't hear much of what he said but was mostly mesmerized by how his lips moved and finally she just shut him up by kissing him. She wasn't aware of the attention she gained yet again, all she felt were his soft tongue and a nice warm feeling in her core as his hand was massaging her ass. Even with the two layers of denim fabric between them she liked his bulge pressing up against her and she did her best to increase the pressure.

She wasn't sure how she ended up on the curb with two of the guys that she'd spent the last hour or two with. Maybe it was the slight chilled breeze or seeing Cassidy's mug stepping out of the pub that made her sober up for that second it took her to realize what she'd really been sent there to do. One of the guys had lit a smoke and Amanda leaned in for a drag of it before she declared she would head home.

Both guys seemed disappointed, she feared she might've said or done something inside the bar that had made them think she would head home with one of them, or maybe even both of them. She would hate to be a tease. Thankfully she only had to repeat her will to go home one more time and then one of the guys even helped to flag down a cab for her. He might've suggested he was heading her way even though she couldn't remember letting him know where she lived but all it took was a look to get his face to break in to smug grin and while kissing her goodnight he said "next time".

Amanda locked eyes with Cassidy one more time before she stepped inside the cab and she felt an urge to flip him a finger for some reason but was glad she managed to fight it. Once she'd told the cabbie her address she leaned back against the seat with a giggle escaping her throat. _She was really drunk. The good kind of drunk though and she liked this feeling a lot. Carefree was such a nice state to be in._

Getting out of the cab was a bit of the struggle, she'd snuggled in nicely against the cold window. The cab driver was a real sweetie helping her get to her door and even offered to help her upstairs. That made her start laughing uncontrollable, _maybe he was a sweetie or he just wanted to get in her pants?_ You just never knew with people and in a sober state that might've made her sad but right now it made her almost pee her pants. _That would surely make him not want to get in them_, she thought to herself and giggled the whole ride up in the elevator.

She had a bit of a trouble getting the key in the door but her knight came to her rescue as he opened the door from inside and she threw herself around his neck declaring just what a savior he was.

Fin wasn't sure if he should be happy or not. He could tell she was rather drunk, and she'd been out so late he had started to worry about her. On the other hand though she was obviously in good spirits and she sounded darn cute, even with the slight slur, declaring, while still hugging him tightly, he was the best guy in the whole wide world.

He had a slight smile on his face as he dragged her inside and shut the door behind them. He helped her get her jacket and boots off while she kept talking about princes and rescuers and curtains? He wasn't really following her trail of thought but he had to pay more attention to keeping her upright as she was already unsteady on two feet which made one an even trickier task to achieve.

"Did it go well tonight?" he tried asking as she twirled inside. Once he caught up with her in the kitchen she'd pulled a beer out of the fridge but he quickly snagged it out of her hands.

"I think you've had enough," he said with a smile over his face.  
"Party pooper," he heard behind his back as he put the beer back and grabbed a water bottle instead.

"So how did it go tonight?" he asked turning to face her again. She was resting her forehead against one of the cabinets but bounced of it quickly as she registered his question. She made an attempt to jump up on the kitchen counter but had to try again. He caught her as she was about to fall off again and pulled her up further so she sat securely on the counter. She chuckled and he smiled at just how cute she looked. He stayed planted in between her legs to keep her steady, and yes to maybe stay close to her.

"You want some water?" he said freeing his hands to twist the cap of the bottle. She shook her head though.  
"It will ruin my buzz," she smiled as she stroke a finger down his broad nose and down over his lips.  
"Buzz killer," he said and it made her laugh again.  
"So how did it go tonight?" he asked again putting the water to the side for now.  
"I could've scored but I didn't," she said with wide eyes, "that's something right."

She'd put her finger up in the air between them and she went cross-eyed as it seemed to have caught her attention but her eyes didn't seem to want to focus on it. He reached up and brought the hand with him down so she wouldn't get stuck with her eyes like that.

"Okay," he mumbled not sure exactly what she was talking about but thinking she wasn't talking about Miller right now. Her hands went around his midsection, tracing the hem of his sweatpants.

"What about Soldier? Did you see him?" he tried as he was really curious and he also knew he could get most everything out of her when she was in this state, the only trouble was interpreting what she was actually saying. She gave him a nod that made her head seem too heavy for her to hold up and when her head stayed down he helped her raise it by putting a hand against her forehead. He had to smile at the absolutely adorable smile she flashed him. He could've kissed her right there, _wanted_ to kiss her but he refrained as he didn't want to take advantage of her in this state and at the same time he wanted desperately to know if they'd made progress or not tonight. He wished her drunken state wasn't a waste.

"Soldier? Miller? Did you see him?" he asked articulating a little more.  
"I sat in his chair, I saw him, I didn't see him and then I almost ran in to him," Amanda gave him the events of the night as she saw them right now.  
"So did something happen? When you almost ran in to him?"  
"Oh something happened alright, I made a big ass of myself. As usual. As normally."

He'd kept his hand on her forehead this whole time, he could feel her resting slightly against it, but now he moved it a little so he could let his thumb swipe over her eyebrow. It turned in to more of a caress as he said;

"You're not a big ass."  
"A small one?" she said and it made them both chuckle a little.  
"What did you do?" he finally asked, his hand now cupping the side of her face and she leaned that way instead of forward.  
"I thanked him. For rescuing me the other night."  
"Well that doesn't sound bad. How did he react?"  
"Miller doesn't react. He just walked off once I'd said my piece. I'm not ecc-… ec-… eccipped for this job."  
"You are _equipped_ Amanda. It will probably take a bit of time though. Unfortunately," he said.  
"Well I don't have time…" she said but was cut short as she threw her head back and a loud bang was heard as she hit the back of her head in the countertop.

"Oh shit," Fin mumbled and was immediately there with his hand fearing what damaging she'd done knocking herself over the head. Her eyes had been momentarily clammed shut and when she opened them she started blinking franticly as she had trouble focusing her eyes. Fin was digging through her hair hoping to not feel blood.

"Ouch," Amanda mumbled as his fingers brushed over what he figured was the impact site. To his relief she started giggling though.  
"You okay?" he asked, worry still lingering. He thought he could feel a bump.  
"I see fireflies I'm just fine," she smiled.

She seemed able to focus her eyes again but then reached up like she tried to grab something by the side of his head.

"A firefly?" he guessed and she giggled again.  
"Hell of an annoying one," she smiled as her hand tried to flap away the bugger.  
"Okay it's time we get you to bed before you really damage yourself, or this kitchen," he said as he pulled her down off the counter.  
"I love fireflies," she said as he led her down the corridor.  
"Did you hear me?" she said putting a sloppy hand over his cheek.  
"You love fireflies, I heard you," Fin repeated a little unengaged.

They were halfway down the corridor when she suddenly put her heels down and almost made a gracious twirl out of his grip if it wasn't for the messy landing that had her having to grab a hold of the wall. He figured it might've been purposely though as her hands ended up on either side of a framed picture he'd hung next to a picture of young Ken playing basketball and another one of a younger version of both himself and Ken.

The picture she now fixed her eyes on was of her and Kim. Also younger versions of them sporting similar short legged denim dungarees and worn out t-shirts underneath that looked like they had been colorful many years or washes ago. As usual in the photos from her past Amanda didn't look all that happy but in this one she at least had a hint of a smile and it was one of the reasons he'd picked this photo to hang in their apartment.

There were many things Fin liked in this photo though. The love between the sisters that came through in the look the older one gave the younger one, and the way the younger one smiled so brightly while grabbing hold of her sister's hand while her other hand also seemed to reach for her. The matching outfit was another favorite, as well as the fact they sported band-aids at the exact same spot on their legs. He liked the unruly blonde heads of hair that lit up even more as they were standing in the sun. And he liked the way the window behind them framed them perfectly.

It was only one thing he didn't like about the photo and it was the fading shiner around Amanda's eye. He'd asked about it and she'd said it was an accident on the playground. The way she dodged his follow up questions though made him think she wasn't being sincere. He recognized the signs of how an abused child behaved while interrogated. The deflecting. Covering up for that one person who is supposed to love you. Not willing to admit to the shame of not feeling loved.

"We used to catch fireflies, have I told you that?" Amanda mumbled while trying to trace the younger girl on the photo with her finger.  
"No you haven't," Fin said coming in a little closer to the wall so he could watch her face. She always got such a beautiful yet somewhat sad look over her face when she reminisced over her sister.

"It was the best way to get that extra energy out of that tiny body of hers those nights she couldn't come to rest. We'd go outside and I let her run, run, run around the backyard until she grew tired enough to go to sleep. We'd trapped a few in a glass jar but I would never let her take them with us inside. I knew they would die then. I didn't want them to die."

For minutes she was trapped back in that memory and he let her stay there. When her eyes started tearing up though he reached out and swiped her hair back behind her ear.

"C'mon let's get you to bed, we got work in the morning," he whispered and broke her spell. Her face broke in to a smile when she faced him.  
"It's okay," he whispered knowing she would probably try to cover up she'd gotten sad thinking about her sister.  
"I'm okay," she said like she tried to convince herself. Fin grabbed a hold of her arm as he saw her sway slightly.  
"C'mon," he said and pulled her along. She kept her eyes on the picture for as long as she could but then managed to snap her head forward which made it a little easier for her to balance herself on her own.

"It's actually really stupid to call them flies you know cause they are really beetles. Did you know that?" she said and touched his face again.  
"No, I didn't know that," he said, "Do you need to visit the bathroom before bed?"  
"I know cause I wrote this essay in… like some grade. It was really good. Ms Foy said so."  
"I'm sure it was really good. Do you need the bathroom?" he asked trying to capture her eyes.  
"I need to pee," she said with a frown that disappeared as she went back to talking about Ms Foy and what a great teacher she'd been. She'd moved back to talking about fireflies again as he'd managed to unzip her jeans and pulled them all the way down, he figured he might as well get them off altogether. He tried getting her to pull down her own panties but then finally just did it for her and sat her down.

"Georgia actually has the most firefly species in the entire nation. Did you know?" she asked.  
"Now do they? I did not know," Fin said hunching down in front of her to get on her level but also so he could pay some attention to what she did on the toilet.

"56 separate species. That's a lot," she said making big eyes.  
"That is a lot," he agreed.  
"It's the diver-… drever-… _diversity_ of h-habitat. That's the reason for the many species. Georgia, the southern part that is, is much like Florida you see but then we also have the Piedmont and like part of the App-… Appalachian Mountains and those kinds of species."

She had to take a break as a hiccup escaped her throat and it seemed to release something as she finally started peeing. She let out moan of pleasure and he had to smile at her. She got back to talking soon again though and he tried to look like he paid attention even though he mostly listen to the toilet bowl. Once she was done he reached for some toilet paper and placed it in her hand. Thankfully she seemed to move on autopilot and wiped herself but then he had to pull her up on her feet again and pull up her panties.

"Your hands," he tried but then had to physically move them in under the water that he'd started. He had already decided trying to brush her teeth would be too strenuous right now so he pulled her with him out of there, kicking away her jeans so she wouldn't stumble on them but then she managed to stumble on the almost non-existing threshold instead. He already had a solid grip around her though and managed to keep her from tumbling over.

"Luciferin," she had almost yelled out as she was about to keel over.  
"That's the substance," she said as he pulled her back up on her feet, "that they produce to glow. So they can glow." Amanda's face lit up.  
"It creates their soft bioluminescence," she mused and he had to smile at both her face and the fact she'd managed to say _bioluminescence_ without a hitch.

"Arms," he said once he'd placed her by the bed. She did as told, raising her arms up but before he could get her top off she'd put her arms back down.  
"Both males and females can light up but you know what…"  
"You know what?" she said a bit too loud when he'd focused on the struggle with trying to get her top off when her arms were hanging like dead weight on either side of her.

"What?" he asked a little annoyed as he let go of the top altogether, she would just have to sleep in it.  
"The females are wingless and flightless," she said with a sad face.  
"Isn't that the most saddest thing you've ever heard. Wingless. Flightless."  
"That is kinda sad yes," he said stroking her cheek while trying to hide the smile that threatened to spread over his face, "C'mon let's just get you to bed."

He lifted up the cover and she crawled in between the sheets.

"All they can do is blink down there on the ground and try to lure down the flying males, it is so unfair."

Fin tucked her in and then sat down next to her, getting his leg in underneath her so he could turn towards her.

"Each species has their own flash pattern, sort of like a Morse code for insects," she went on.  
"Well _that's_ kinda cool," Fin tried and brushed away some hair from her face and then went on to rearrange her blonde locks on the pillow.  
"That's so they won't be attracted to the wrong species. But you know there are also certain femme fatale species that deliberately give out the wrong flash pattern to lure in the males of other species. And they kill and eat them."

Fin chuckled slightly at the face Amanda made while trying to, what he figured, look like one of those femme fatale fireflies. _She didn't get the firefly part down so good but she sure had the femme fatale down to a t if she wanted to_, he thought to himself. He took a deep breath as she finally stopped talking and rested back against the sheet. Her eyes drifted somewhere up at the roof.

"I'm flightless," she mumbled.  
"Hey," he tried but didn't manage to pull her from her sudden burst of melancholy.  
"I'm wingless," she said, her eyes coming down to meet his, "I'm an angel with no wings. Wingless. Useless."  
"It's just the alcohol talking Amanda," he whispered.  
"I've lost my light…"  
"Then we will work to get it back Amanda," he said stroking her cheek.  
"I should've just become his angel. You should've let him finish me off."  
"Hey, don't ever say that," he said raising his voice a little. He was a little afraid of the blank look in her eyes, he actually preferred the teary eye look.  
"Don't say that," he repeated but a little softer.  
"I'm wingless. I'm no angel. Why did he ever think I was an angel Fin? I've never been an angel."  
"Just try to get to sleep okay," he said trying to stroke her forehead the way he knew she liked.  
"I was never an angel. I fucked my mom's boyfriend when I was 14. No angel does that."  
"He took advantage of you Amanda, that's not on you."  
"I wanted it though. There was nothing else I wanted then for him to love me. My entire body tingled hearing his footsteps out in the hallway, coming closer to our door. All I wanted was to have him close to me, feel his skin against mine, he was always so close to me when inside of me. I wanted him all over me. I wanted to hear him say he loved me."

Her eyes had drifted over to the lamp on the bed stand. He could tell her eyelids were getting heavier.

"My sister was in the other bed. We had to be silent but he was always by my ear saying he loved me. _I love you Shay_."  
"He called you Shay?" Fin asked, his hand stopping momentarily from brushing her hair back.  
"He said he would save me," she whispered, "I trusted him. I really thought he would be able to save me but I didn't deserve saving."  
"Amanda please," Fin said. He hated hearing her put herself down like this. She rolled back over on her back again, her eyes looked very sober all of a sudden.  
"Would you do that for me?"  
"Do what?" he asked not sure if she was talking about the saving part or not.  
"Would you fuck me, say you love me?"

She'd grabbed a hold of his hand and let her fingers entangle with his.

"You're drunk Amanda," he said with a soft smile.  
"I'm okay, I want you to fuck me Fin. I really need it right now. Please…"  
"It's not what you need Amanda. You need to sleep right now, we can talk about it in the morning."  
"But I need it _now_. I need _you_ now."  
"I can't do that Amanda," he said fighting with himself on the inside.

It was nothing else he rather want than to be with her but he knew he would hate himself in the morning if he went with that desire now.

"Is it because of what I did? For screwing all those men when I went off the grit to catch Mayhem? All the nasty things I did back then? For the men I've screwed recently?"  
"It has nothing to do with that. You know I love you Amanda. It's not what you need right now."  
"But I do. I need to forget. You can make me forget."  
"No, Amanda, it's not the right way…" he said.

He feared a little that she would push further, he wasn't sure how much persuasion he could resist. Right now she looked very sober so it was hard for him to try and tell himself that it was intoxication talking.

"Please Fin… won't you help me…" Her eyes started to tear up, puddles quickly forming and flooded over.  
"Amanda," he whispered swiping a tear away from the side of her face.  
"I'm going to lie down next to you okay, and we're going to sleep. You will feel better in the morning. I promise."

He put his knee on the bed next to her and climbed over her. As gracefully as possible he lay down next to her, keeping the sheet between them as he folded his arm around her and felt her back snuggle in closer to his frame.

"Put your mouth by my ear," she begged and he stroke back some of her hair so he could locate her ear. He let his lips brush by her earlobe just slightly before he rested his head down partly on hers.

"Will you say you love me," she asked.  
"I love you Amanda," he said.  
"No. I love you _Shay_," she corrected him.  
"I can't… I won't…" he whispered.

He put his leg over her, wrapped her even closer to his own body, taking in all of her. All of Amanda.

"Please Fin, at least do that for me…"

She knew which buttons to push and he knew she knew that but still he let her get to him. He swallowed hard, tried to take in her scent, take in the warmth from her body.

"I love you…" he whispered having to fight to keep his voice low and steady.  
"I love you… Shay," he said feeling a tug in his heart, "I love you so much Shay. I love you. Shay."

He felt the last of the tension leave her body and it didn't take long until he heard her peaceful snoozes. He laid there listening to her calm breathing for a long time before sleep finally claimed him too. He wasn't the only one listening to her breathing though.

Across town Tucker was spinning a glass of whiskey in his hand. He'd pushed the stop button on the recording device a while ago but he kept listening to her breathing before they got interrupted by a deeper second set. Only then did he remove the ear piece and sat back against his couch. He didn't pay attention or tried to cover up the bulge in his pants, he liked the feeling his hard on gave him, it made him feel powerful, manly. He liked the image of her half-dressed in her bed. He'd been a little shocked by some of her admissions but the disgust he felt also increased the hard on so it wasn't all bad. The image of her with men… multiple men… he had a feeling she was a tease. He felt the pressure in his pants increase and he rearranged himself a little to not make it too painful. He had some of his whiskey thinking about what a wuss that partner of hers was. He had the perfect chance to screw that perfect ass and he'd blown it. What a looser. He had to let out a chuckle. He would've never given up an opportunity like that.

**Amanda stayed quiet** the following morning. Fin didn't take it personally this morning though, he could tell she was slightly hung-over and he decided to drive just to be on the safe side. She kept her sunglasses on as they walked in to the station and Fin caught Nick throwing her long looks after she'd passed him. Liv apparently had a meeting with Barba down at the courthouse so her office was empty. Nick put them to work quickly though. They were narrowing in on a suspect in their latest case and there had also been some development in an older case that had previously been looking stone cold.

Nick used his rather condescending tone to ask them if they thought they could handle the cold case on their own. As Amanda was still somewhat jaded Fin had to be the one who took Nick down a few steps today. Keith couldn't help but let out a chuckle, he found the animosity rather entertainment as long as it wasn't aimed at him. It only made Nick feel more insulted though and Keith would regret it as he was left alone with a sullen partner moments later.

Amanda perked up once they got out on the field so Fin didn't have to carry any of the interviews on his own. Thoughts of last night had time to sneak up on him as they stopped by a food truck for a quick lunch. They brought their food back to their car.

"So last night…" he started cautiously, this wasn't a topic he enjoyed bringing up but he felt he had to.  
"What about it," she asked when he stayed quiet for too long. She seemed a bit overly interested in the burger in her hands which made him think she knew what he was talking about but much rather pretend she didn't. Since they were sitting in the car she didn't have to face him either.

"Why did you ask me to call you Shay?" he said watching her. She'd just been about to take a bite and he thought he spotted a slight flinch which made her just take a nibble of the bun.

"What are you talking about?" she asked as she reached down to grab the soda she'd placed on the floor earlier.  
"You know what I'm talking about. When we lay down and you wanted me to call you Shay," he said not letting her go with his eyes.  
"I was drunk Fin," she moaned and even with her face turned he could tell she rolled her eyes.  
"You weren't that drunk," he countered quickly feeling a little annoyed she was deflecting.

He watched her take a bite of her burger and chewed it slowly as she followed a couple walking past their car with her eyes. His annoyance grew slightly so he tried taking a bite of his own burger to not say something rash. Once he swallowed though the annoyance had turned to worry.

"You said… Danny called you Shay. Is that… character, does she stem from that?"

This time around he didn't dare to look straight at her but instead threw a few sideway glances. He knew the topic of Danny, the man who had bedded both mother and a too young daughter, was a sore one for his partner. He didn't enjoy talking about the man either, that creep was just as high up on his kill list as Simon and Gordon.

"Can't we just eat," she complained looking his way but stopped before their eyes could connect, "we have to interview that… whatever his name was, soon. I just want to relax for a minute is that too much to ask?"

She slumped back in her seat with a sigh. He kept looking her way not wanting to drop the subject but not wanting to aggravate her either. She could probably feel him staring and finally grabbed for the door.

"I need a smoke," she said as she stepped out.

"Don't throw…" he started but stopped himself as it was too late, her burger had already gone down the bin that was located on the curb right by their car. She slammed the door shut and he watched her walk up to the building digging out her smokes from her pocket. He'd felt the smoke on her previously but hadn't busted her on it. He was already aware she had a smoke whenever she was anxious and he could handle one or two. Apparently now she was back to smoking in public tough. He didn't see it as a good sign.

**That afternoon Amanda** took her normal route to Tucker's office. She felt a little bad about having to leave her squad pulling overtime because of their current workload. Nick's long looks at her as she was taking off didn't make her feel any better.

Sitting on the bench waiting for Tucker to show up she squeezed the listening device in her pocket. She'd found it still in her bra as she managed to drag her sorry ass to the shower this morning. She'd forgotten to turn it off and she was a little worried what Tucker might've overheard. _He couldn't have listen in to her as she got home right? Surely he had already signed off by then._ She didn't even want to think about what she'd said as she got home. She'd been really drunk. That kind of drunk that made her bubbly and talkative. That was until memories of her sister flooded her, then she just became pathetic. _God had she really recited a third grade essay to Fin? And she knew what she'd asked him to do. Back in the car during lunch she knew exactly what he was talking about but it was all too shameful. Fin. Tucker. God what if Tucker had heard what she asked of Fin? It was one thing Liv knowing about them two but Tucker? What if he figured out they were more than partners?_

She immediately sat up a little straighter as she saw Tucker coming down the corridor. His eyes were down on an open file in his hands so she wasn't sure he'd seen her.

"Detective. Good day," he said though as he got closer.  
"Lieutenant," she said quietly. She stayed seated as he'd stopped right in front of her eyeing something in the file.  
"God damn," he spat out as he frowned, "I swear that moron can't even spell his own name right."

Tucker grabbed for the door and clomped inside. She was a little scares to follow but sneaked in quietly, staying by the wall by the door. Tucker threw the file down on his desk before he sat down.

"So, yesterday…" he said clasping his hands on the desk in front of him as he fixed his eyes in her.  
"Yesterday sir…?" she said when he just kept staring at her. She couldn't read his face at all. _Had he heard everything?  
_"You made contact with Miller right, you felt that was the right thing to do?"  
"Oh, I…" Amanda stammered, whipping her sweaty palms against her thighs.  
"It felt… I mean I think it was the right thing to do. I walked in to him and it would've felt odd to not say anything. Maybe I should've expressed myself better but he did seem to appreciate it. A little. I guess."

She cursed herself for sounding so insecure. Tucker just kept looking at her with that unreadable face.

"I trust you," he suddenly said and Amanda couldn't hide her surprise. A smile spread over Tucker's face.  
"Don't look so surprised detective," he said unhooking his hands, looking down to pick up another file from his desk, "I give credit when credit is due. You're doing good."

He looked up briefly and flashed her what seemed like a genuine smile before he turned his focus back down on the file. The relief she felt was huge. _He hadn't heard anything last night. He'd given her praise of her work. She couldn't believe her luck. For once something had gone her way._

"Why don't you take a look at this," Tucker said and he gestured for her to take a seat on the other side of his desk. Amanda sat down and accepted the file from him.  
"It's my interrogation with McTavish, maybe it can be helpful in some way," Tucker said, "maybe you'll even pick up on something I haven't."

Amanda wasn't sure how to handle Tucker's… _kindness_? He'd never treated anyone with respect as far as she knew, even Cragen got treated like crap back in the day. It did feel good though to be able to let her guard down a little. The previous tension had been really tiring, she was really starting to get why Cassidy always had such a terror-stricken demeanor.

They sat in silence for a while. Tucker reading and signing papers behind his desk, Amanda reading opposite him. Even though McTavish was vague throughout most of the entire interrogation it seemed as though Soldier had slowly built up a trust with him. They hadn't immediately gone out seeking revenge on the lowlifes of the city but seemed to have built up a friendship first. They've had a few beers, hung out a bit. It did scare her a little to think she might be in this for the long run. And just the thought of sitting across from Miller at a table sharing a beer was intimidating. That man just didn't seem to relax ever and those dark eyes of his scared her. They seemed to be able to see right through her and she feared she wouldn't be able to hide the fact she was betraying him. She caught herself hoping Miller wasn't Soldier after all.

She was going through the interrogation a second time when there was a knock on the door and after Tucker had given his approval to enter, two unfamiliar men stepped in. They were both casually dressed.

"Oh good, detective Rollins meet our details for the night, detectives Saunders and Johnson. Detectives meet detective Rollins."

Amanda exchanged quick handshakes with the two men. One of them quickly diverted his eyes from hers once he let her go and the other one kept giving her side glances which made her immediately wonder what they'd heard about her.

"I figured it was good to mix things up a little. Give Cassidy the night off, shake some things up inside the bar," Tucker said. Amanda gave him a nod.  
"You might want to tell your sergeant too. Seems she doesn't have much faith in her old partner. Maybe you can get her off my back?"

Amanda had no idea what he was hinting at but he kept glaring at her so she gave him a nod. She didn't know about the phone call Liv had put in to Tucker yesterday after Fin had informed him of the attack in the bathroom. Liv had used her words carefully this time, she knew Tucker could, most probably would, take out his anger on Amanda if she aggravated him too much. But even though she'd thread carefully Tucker had silently gotten ticked off. As he overheard Amanda talking to her partner last night though Tucker figured he might be the snitch and not Amanda. He had a feeling she was quite better at keeping indiscretions from her boss.

A little later at the bar Tucker sent in Saunders and Johnson right behind Amanda. Tucker had gotten word that Miller was in route so they expected him to arrive shortly. He took his time though and Amanda had time to down two beers with two different group of men before he finally arrived. She'd stayed by the bar so she could keep an eye on the entrance, Saunders and Johnson were sitting together at a table by the windows so she had eyes on them as well.

She saw Miller walk in and turned to her company so he wouldn't see her looking. She was standing with three men not far from where he usually sat down. Just minutes ago she'd managed to steer their conversation in to pros and cons with the death penalty and two of the guys helped her try and convince the third guy that scums should fry. She felt a little proud to have gotten them to debate it and they were quite rowdy at it too so when Miller sat down on his chair she was pretty sure he could hear them. She didn't even have to say much, the guys did it for her.

Amanda wasn't sure exactly where she stood on the death penalty, right now she was playing a role. Sure there were times when she felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of a particularly heinous perp. Times when she faced that perp and she saw the images of his victims flash before her eyes. Some perps reminded her off Simon, it could be a look, something in their body language, something they said that pulled her back and she had to fight hard to not let emotionally charged actions take over.

But she could recognize that as revenge. A need for vengeance both for herself and the victims she met. She knew death penalty was trickier. There were moral issues, constitutional, and just a whole lot of matters she much rather let other people be the judge off. Over the years she'd learnt to just focus on her part of the process, to bring the perps in and then hand them over to be judged.

What Miller was doing though was something else than the death penalty. Yes a man had died. By McTavish's hands but even Tucker recognized that as an accident. Vengeance taken too far. Still, what Miller and whoever else was involved with did trickle Amanda's mind. It had her intrigued.

"Huh?" Amanda was pulled from her thoughts by one of the guys. He'd put an elbow in her side and now all three men were looking at her.  
"Would you serve as an executor?" the guy repeated his previous question.  
"Sure," Amanda said, "But I'm probably too restless for that profession. I prefer having my gun and be able to sock one or two to them while bringing them in."

She got the guys to laugh out loud.

"Now if I could only find a way to do it without my boss finding out though, I'm starting to get annoyed by these ridiculous suspensions."  
"Well if you don't mind going back to beat cop you should join our house, our captain don't mind a few slipups in the holding cell if you know what I mean," one of the guys told her proudly.  
"Sounds great," Amanda said and knocked her bottle together with the guy.

She hoped she wasn't being too obvious, or even too obnoxious for Miller's liking. She didn't really like this version of herself. A sudden wave of melancholia hit her and she had to fake laughing along with the guys. She downed what was left in her bottle and then took a step over to the bar to put in another order. She heard herself order a stronger drink from James even though she'd meant to ask for another beer. She didn't regret it though as she downed some of the alcohol and found it pushing out some of the anxiety that had threaten to take her body over.

One of the guys took a step over to her, she'd already caught him checking her out earlier with a little bit more hunger in his eyes then the others.

"So you're hiding a bad girl in that tight little package of yours," he said leaning on the bar so he could come even closer to her. She just looked at him for a second trying to not spray his face with the guttural laughter that threaten to burst out of her. That must've been one of the worst lines served to her, ever.

"What can I say," she said to just try and get passed the awkwardness, "I've just seen so many sick pervs, and you just know they'll go out and do it all over again. Like why give them that opportunity. We just create more victims. The whole system is screwed up when we just let them go out and do it all over again."  
"I hear you," the guy said, "And you were like attacked by one too right? Some years ago."

Amanda shot him a glare. He at least seemed to pick up on her reaction this time and he squirmed slightly.

"Someone said you were kidnapped by some freak," he tried to explain, "Maybe that's not true though…"

Amanda took a big gulp of her drink to not say something rash.

"No, it's true," she said doing her best to stay calm, "I was."  
"Wow," the guy blurted out. She got a feeling he tried to sound shocked but he looked more impressed.

"I heard you were held for days, so did he like… rape you?"  
"What?" Now Amanda was shocked.  
"Well I mean…" the guy gestured down her body, letting his eyes follow.  
"Are you saying I'm good looking enough to rape? Are you for real?" Amanda turned slightly so she could face him straight on. The nerve of this guy.  
"No I just mean, like I heard he did things to women…"  
"Yeah he did things to women but you really think I would stand here and talk to _you_ about it. In the middle of a bar. It's not really a good pickup line buddy. Getting in my pants and talking about rape kinda clash and if you're not smart enough to even realize that you're not really worth my time."

Amanda turned to leave, she could feel she was close to punching this guy in the face if she didn't get away from him.

"I you act like a slut you get treated like a slut…"

She stopped dead in her tracks as she heard the guy.

"What you just call me?" Amanda snapped as she spun around. The guy looked as he was ready to repeat what he'd said and he even took a step towards her.  
"What the fuck man," his friend said though and put a hand on his chest to push him back.  
"Say it to my face," Amanda challenged him and stepped as close to him as she could with his friend between them. She felt like tossing her drink in his ugly mug but she didn't even want to waste the alcohol on him.

The guy looked like he wanted to say something again but his friend spoke to him instead.

"Don't say it," he warned. The guy looked as he tried to contain himself but he looked far from embarrassed over what he'd already said.  
"Fuckin' douche," Amanda spat his way before she turned and walked off.

She could tell some people had caught the commotion but most seemed oblivious to it which was fine by her. The few looks that came her way were enough to drive her towards the bathroom though. She found they had replaced the broken lock and she liked the false sense of security the tiny metal hinge gave her. She could feel she was close to hyperventilating but the last thing she wanted was the humiliation of knowing Tucker would listen in to her falling apart. _And for what? Some dumbass talking smack? Or some dumbass giving her the truth? _

Now sobbing was as great of a threat as hyperventilating and with her back pressed up against the door she realized she was still holding on to her drink and she brought it to her mouth. She took a big gulp even though it made her feel like she was chocking. The strong liquid did some good and she emptied the glass with the next gulp. She kept the door as back support as she focused on just breathing and ignoring the thoughts in her head.

"Everything okay in there?" came Tucker's voice in her ear.

"Yeah I'm just in the bathroom," she said as she walked over to the toilet and flushed it. She left her glass on the sink and then washed her hands. As usual she avoided looking at herself in the mirror, she knew nothing good came of that.

She took a few silent, deep breaths before she walked back out. She saw the douchebag still over by the bar so she lingered by the hallway.

"Hey, you're back," a guy said walking up to her. He looked familiar but she couldn't remember his name. She just hoped he didn't recognize her from the night she'd danced on the bar. Not that she hadn't made a fool of herself in here after that but that night she much rather forget all about and thankfully it was still blurry in her memory.

Whoever this guy was he seemed righteous enough. He bought her a beer and they were talking about the nice weather they were having in the city right now and how it worked wonders to keep most people in good spirits. She'd mentioned she missed Atlanta and being able to just go out in to the nature whenever there were nice days like this. The guy made a crack that she was in New York now which made Central Park nature and Amanda chuckled.

"You're in NY now so going to Long Island is called a road trip," he said and Amanda covered her mouth with her hand to not laugh out too loud.  
"You know your New Yorkers," she said.  
"I've had the privilege of studying them for 36 years now," the guy smiled back.  
"Well you're funny," she said.  
"Can you take a blonde joke?" he asked.  
"Bring it on," she said.  
"What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York?"  
"I'm afraid to ask."  
"Both states become smarter," the guy said with a big grin.

She didn't find the joke as funny as the other ones but pretended to laugh and leaned in to him slightly to cover up it was fake. Her eyes went out over the bar and the moment her eyes landed on the figure over by the door she froze. He had sunglasses on even though the sun wasn't present down between the tall buildings but she still recognized him. She quickly handed over her beer to the guy.

"Look I didn't mean to offend…" he started but she put a hand on his arm.  
"No, you didn't, I'll be right back," she said flashing him a stressed smile and then hurried over to the door.

She grabbed a hold of Anton's arm and pulled him out through the inner door. He grunted but she managed to stop him before he was able to say anything by putting two fingers against his lips. He pulled his sunglasses up on his head looking annoyed. He'd pulled her hand off him by grabbing on hard around her wrist but she put up her other hand as he was about to speak again.

She put her hand down on his chest to balance herself as she got up on her toes to be able to get as close as possible to his ear.

"I'm wired," she whispered with her lips against his ear. She leaned back slightly to be able to look at his face. He looked skeptical so she twisted her wrist out of his grip and grabbed a hold of his hand. She pushed the palm of his hand up underneath her breast. He looked as though he didn't know what she was doing so she helped his fingers along to trace the right wire underneath her breast.

She could tell on his face when he realized what she was talking about and his eyes started to dart around like he was worried cops would bust in at any second. She grabbed his jaw to pull his face back though and she shook her head once she got his attention. She moved her finger to her own mouth to signal him to just stay quiet.

She looked back inside the bar to make sure no one was looking, there was only a tiny window in the door and she just had to gamble on that no one paid them any attention. She looked back over Anton's shoulder to try and see if anyone was coming in through the entrance right behind him.

"I'm taking a break," she said down towards her own chest as she started to pull her top up. She didn't really care Anton was right there, and giving her his full attention, as she exposed her bra and then dug inside to get a hold of the wire.

"Don't you dare," she heard in her ear.  
"Just give me a minute," she begged.

Tucker wasn't willing to give her that and cursed in her ear but she still flipped the switch off and when he wouldn't stop shouting in her ear she picked the devise out of her ear.

"God damn it Anton," Amanda hissed at Anton, "you're in a cop bar."

Anton looked pale again.

"You're wired, in a cop bar," he asked.  
"Hush," she said and pulled him out on the street. Anton put his sunglasses back on as though he seemed to believe that gave him a great cover. Amanda shoved the devices down her jeans pocket as she pulled Anton with her around the corner in to the back alley. She threw a look over her shoulder to see if Tucker was anywhere near but thankfully she couldn't see him.

"You can't be here Anton," she said once the shadows of the alley gave them cover and she let him go.  
"You're not answering my calls," Anton said and was forced to take his sunglasses off again to be able to even see her in the dark alley.  
"I saw you yesterday, how desperate are you," she moaned.  
"Well you'd be desperate too if you had Okeke's men threatening you," Anton hissed and shoved at her shoulder so her back ended up against the wall.  
"You'd be gone already if he really suspected you," she said a bit annoyed at getting shoved, "Don't be such a…."  
"A what?" he asked getting in her face. She couldn't get further away from him with the wall behind her and she regretted being so pushy. _Why couldn't she just bite her tongue?  
_"C'mon Anton," she said trying to soften her voice, "Do you really think he suspects you?"

Anton's demeanor soften up slightly but he was still crowding her.

"My name is nowhere near that raid but you being here… that's a risk Anton," she said, "What if he has you followed?"  
"You really think I'm stupid don't you," he said. He'd raised his hand and he smiled at her flinching as he brought it close to her face. He put it down on the wall by the side of her head.

"Andy is driving around in another part of the city. I made my own way here, I'm not a complete moron you know," he said. His smirk was gone.  
"So you show up at a bar for cops…" she said under her breath but bit her lip before she finished that sentence.  
"How could I know, it's not like it's plastered on the outside. You don't wear uniforms," he snapped but let his eyes drop and when he looked up again he seemed to have calmed down.

"So what are you doing in there wired and all?" he asked curiously.  
"Just drop it," she said glancing out towards the street. The last thing she wanted was for someone to overhear them talking about her being wired. She felt his hand come up her stomach and she fixed her eyes in him again as his hand cupped her breast.

"You got any more on you," he smirked, letting his fingers run along the wire in her bra.  
"Anton," she whispered, "Don't…"  
"Don't what?" he said taking a firmer grip at her breast and she frowned at the slight pain.  
"If you ruin this…," she started but had to stop and swallow as the pain got really uncomfortable, "They are not listening in but I got eyes on me too. If they recognize you… Iook I'm able to help you now but if I get in trouble at work."  
"So you're willing to help me _now_," he smirked, "you're really willing to do anything to get out of sleeping with me aren't you."

He came in closer and brushed his lips by hers.

"Or is that black dude? Your partner slash roommate. You got something going with him? Afraid he'll get jealous?"

His grip on her breast had eased up but instead he started caressing it, running his fingertips over her nipple. His mouth was still close to hers and she turned slightly as he made an attempt to kiss her. He chuckled, seemed pleased with the fact her nipple perked up through the fabrics between them, and squeezed it between his fingers just to make a point that he felt it.

"Anton," she breathed, "How about you let me help you get rid of Okeke?"

She could feel she peaked his interest.

"And just how would we go about that?" he asked. His hand had dropped from her breast, rested a little further down on her abs.  
"Just like with the raid. You tell me where he's at and I'll let it slip to the right people, your name or mine won't get mixed in."

Anton seemed interested but not fully convinced.

"I know you like his business ideas but he is a competitor isn't he? Better off without him?"

Anton's eyes had narrowed and he seemed to really contemplate it.

"You think I know where he's at," Anton said and finally stepped off her. She felt as though she was able to breathe again.  
"You're resourceful, you could find out I'm sure," she said.

He'd turned his back towards her briefly but turned back around and fixed his eyes at her. She tried to not make it too obvious she braced herself against the wall as he took a step towards her again.

"Just tell me where he's at Anton and I'll get him off your back," she said hoping to keep him off her. It did make him stop an arm's length from her. He was just about to say something when he seemed to hear something and turned his head out towards the street. Amanda swallowed a gasp as she saw Miller coming around the corner. Anton immediately backed further in to the alley and quickly disappeared in to the shadows. Amanda had turned to look after him and she kept her eyes at the darkness as she tried to think. _Soldier was there. She didn't have her wire on. Could she put her hand down her pocket and turn it back on without looking suspicious? What the hell was she supposed to say or do now? _

"You okay?" Miller asked though and she thought she picked up some concern on his tone. She wanted to answer yes but her throat was still clogged up and she ended up just nodding with her head still turned away from him. A few seconds passed and she knew she had to say or do something. She turned her head slightly, shot him a few glances that surely came off shy as she peeked from underneath her bangs.

"I just wanted to give you this," Miller said and Amanda realized he was holding on to her jacket.  
"You shouldn't leave it unattended, not even in a cop bar," he said and now she was sure she saw concern on his face. She couldn't explain it but it made her feel loved. He'd taken a step further in but stayed on a safe distance from her. He held the jacket out towards her. She managed to get herself off the wall and she wiped her hands on each other to get some gravel from the wall off her palms.

"Thanks," she said taking the jacket from him. She was left a little unsure what to do but then started to put her jacket on, she suddenly felt a little chilly.  
"You sure you're okay?" he asked. She gave him a brief nod but she could tell it didn't convince him.  
"I'm okay," she said but couldn't even convince herself so she tried again; "I really am."

He kept his eyes on her as she straighten her jacket and she shoved her hands deep in her pockets to not let him see her hands shaking.

"He was just talking smack," she said looking back towards the alley briefly and she tried a faint smile once she caught his eyes again.  
"Seems you're a target for a lot of that tonight," Miller said.  
"Inside, earlier," he said once Amanda looked a little confused, "Too bad you didn't get to sock him, he deserved it."  
"Oh that. Yeah, I guess, but…" Amanda bit her lip, she'd been about to say she probably deserved it but she wasn't sure that was what _Soldier_ wanted to hear so she changed her mind.  
"…some things are maybe better to just rinse off you right?"

Miller's eyes narrowed slightly and she couldn't help but feel she'd said something wrong after all. It made her nervous and to hide the fact she started squirming she moved on the spot a little. She brought up her hand from her pocket and dragged her fingers through her hair before she used the back of her hand to try and brush off the feeling of Anton's tongue along the side of her cheek.

"I just seem to…" she started but looked down shaking her head. She wasn't sure what was making her more flustered, Miller or her own inadequacy.  
"Seem to what?" Miller said though and made her look back up.  
"I seem to just attract trouble," she confessed and was happy Tucker wasn't listening in, "Lately I can't do anything right. Like that guy…" Amanda gestured towards the darkness of the alley.  
"He stands for everything I hate in this world but still I get myself mixed up with him and now I'm standing here in debt to him. I'm so stupid."

She shoved her hand back in her pocket as she kicked away a stone with her boot. _Useless_.

"You need help?"

Amanda looked up, meeting Miller's sincere eyes. She contemplated it, let him see she did.

"No I can handle this one," she finally said, "You won't have to save me… again."

She shot him a shy smile and she thought he returned it. His face was so hard to read, he didn't move much of it. It was his eyes she had to study, even those were hard to read but it was the one weakness he had. She felt a little self-conscious under his watchful eye and she had to fold her eyes down again.

"Do you believe in karma?" Miller suddenly asked. She looked back up at him.  
"I believe in payback," she said with such determination it even startled her.

Miller's eyes narrowed slightly but this time she didn't dodge when he kept observing her. His eyes eased after a while, the wrinkles around his eyes lessen and then he gave her a nod before he turned around and walked back out on to the street. _Was that the wrong answer? But he'd looked pleased. Hadn't he? Why was he leaving? _She was left a little nonfunctional for a few moments but then she stepped out on to the street. Further down she saw Miller's back walking down the street and then disappear behind a corner. She had no idea what to do and looked back the other way, keeping an eye out for Tucker's car.

She already knew he'd be pissed so she really didn't feel like putting the ear piece back only to have him shouting in her ear. She felt a little tense for a lot of reasons and brought up her pack of smokes as she started walking in the opposite direction Miller had headed. She lit her smoke as she crossed the street aiming for the spot where she'd last seen Tucker in. The cabin was shrouded in darkness so all she could see was his outline in the driver's seat. She'd only had time to take two drags of her smoke so she lingered on the curb by the passenger door hurrying to suck in as much nicotine as possible. Tucker didn't approve though and leaned over and shoved the door open. She had to move to not get hit by it as it flung open.

She took one last drag, tossed the cigarette to the side and then exhaled before she got in. She avoided looking at him but she could feel just how angry he was. The moment she'd closed the door he let his wrath out. She glanced sideways at him as he yelled out just what he thought of her and the fact she'd gone against his orders and cut of the connection. She saw spit flying from his mouth as he continued to lash out at her. _She was a disobedient floozy. Who did she think she was? Did she realize that she'd just put his entire investigation in jeopardy? How stupid was she? Were her parents siblings? Was her whole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others?_

For some reason his insults didn't bother her. She heard them but he looked too much like a cartoon sputtering like Daffy Duck. And either way she was already scolding herself and her own badgering were even more offensive than the ones he spat out. His was just a bit too loud and it started to hurt her eardrums.

"What the fuck were you thinking? Your Serg is already giving me crap about not keeping you safe and you go and disconnect yourself. Go ahead, tell her that. Tell her how you risked the entire operation to what, go make out with yet another boyfriend in the alley? You're on the clock detective. You're already having too much fun getting wasted on the job, I'm not going to pay to get you off too."

He finally quiet down but he kept huffing like some rutting bull. He was squeezing the wheel so hard his knuckles were completely white and she got a flashback to when her mom's fist used to come at her in the air with just as white knuckles as Tucker was sporting right now. _Would he hit her? Maybe if she asked him to. _

"Did you talk? Did he say anything to you?"

When he wasn't screaming she had a little trouble picking up what he was saying and she just looked at him.

"C'mon Rollins, wake up, tell me what he said," Tucker urged impatiently.  
"He brought my jacket out," she started as she tried to recall back to what exactly had gone down in the alley.  
"I saw that. C'mon. I want to know what he said and what you said and just everything that happened in that alley since you were stupid enough to cut me out of it."

Amanda took a deep breath.

"He asked me if I was okay, he-"  
"Why would he ask you that? What happened before he walked in? He catch you in the act?"

Amanda gave him a less than thrilled glare.

"Nothing happened but I think he was a bit worried that something might've happened," Amanda tried to explain as calmly as possible.  
"Anyway I think he tried to make a joke, he said I shouldn't leave my jacket unattended, not even in a cop bar," Amanda shrugged, "But he asked again if I was okay and I reassured him I was. He said he'd wanted to smack the guy inside the bar earlier…"

"The one who so politely asked if you'd been raped?" Tucker asked and looked a bit amused.  
"Yeah, that one," Amanda answered less amused.  
"He was tactless but I don't think he deserved a smack. What then?" Tucker said.  
"He asked me if I believed in karma."  
"Karma?"  
"Yeah but I told him I believed in payback and then he walked off."  
"That's it? That's all that was said?"

Amanda nodded and it set off another row of growling and steering wheel smacking. She figured Tucker was in need of blowing off steam but this was getting tiresome. When Tucker calmed down he grabbed his microphone.

"Okay little miss detective have screwed us for the night so you can get your butts home. Thank you for nothing," Tucker growled in to the transponder and then tossed it towards the car door, suddenly he didn't seem as careful about his precious devises. Tucker shot her a deadly glare and then started the car.

"We're going to find a place away from here and we're going to sit down and you're going to write down the entire exchanged you had with him, and that's because we don't have it on tape now thanks to you. And you better get every word right or I swear to…"

Tucker stepped on the gas and Amanda had to brace herself against the door as he took the sharp turn off the curb.

"I can't believe how fucking disobedient you are," Tucker apparently wasn't done bashing her.

She still didn't really mind if it wasn't for the fact it made him a careless driver. Before they had even left the first block they'd been inches from side rearing another car crossing their lane. Then he bumped side mirrors with a parked car but he didn't even seem to notice as he was continuously shouting at her.

"What if he'd made an admission tonight? What if he-" Tucker had to hit the break at a red light and Amanda frowned a little as the seat belt dug in to her chest.  
"What if he'd given up something vital tonight? If getting it on tape could've closed this entire investigation."

Standing at the red light gave Tucker the chance to act out his frustration and he gestured violently and after the third time he'd hit his finger on something he screamed out loud and smashed his palm several times in a row at the innocent ceiling.

"Hey," she said but had to repeat it louder to get his attention.  
"What?" he asked annoyed.  
"The light," she said and gestured to the green light in front of them.

He growled at her before he took off, using the same intensity as earlier and again brushing awfully close to some parked cars.

"Look, I'm not saying what I did was good but he didn't say anything of importance. It's no big deal," Amanda tried as he finally kept quiet.  
"No big deal?" he spat out and she wished once again that she could've just bit her tongue.  
"Thanks I'll use that line once you lie dead in an alley and your Serg blames me yet again for not having your back. Thanks Rollins. Good job, really good job."

Amanda just looked out ahead, _now_ she was getting tired of hearing him go on and on about the same damn things. It was just pointless and with everything that had happened tonight, every night lately actually, she just wanted to go home and pull the cover over her head. But Tucker had other plans.

He drove in to an empty parking lot outside a car dealership that was closed for the night. He came to an abrupt stop that again made her seatbelt known. Tucker undid his seat belt and leaned backwards between their seats. Amanda leaned towards the door to not have to rub shoulders with the brute.

"Okay, so you're going to…" he sat back down in his seat with a pile of papers and files in his hands, "…write down everything that was said in the alley."  
"Can't it wait till the morning?" Amanda moaned.  
"No it can't," Tucker answered in his usual grouchy tone.  
"Barely nothing was said," she tried.  
"Well then it won't take you that long," Tucker smirked as he handed her a blank sheet and a pencil. She didn't accept it at first but then he shoved them at her and dropped them in her lap just as she was about to grab them.  
"And… give me one of your smokes," he said, his voice not as strict.

She gave him a look with a raised eyebrow but then dug down her pocket. She let him pick out a cigarette from the pack. She held out her lighter in case he needed it and he took it from her and stepped out. He left the door open as he leaned back against the car and she heard the flicker of the lighter. She could really use a smoke but she also just wanted to get this over with. She got stuck on the first word though and finally just stepped out. She put the paper on the hood so she could get a smoke up.

"Can I have the lighter," she said as Tucker just kept his back at her.

He threw her a nonchalant glance over his shoulder and she actually doubted he would give her the lighter back but then he pushed himself off the car, walked around his door and reached over the hood to hand it to her. He put the lighter in her palm but then lingered with his hand on top of hers to the point it got awkward.

"Watch the paint job," he said as he finally pulled his hand back and his eyes dropped to the hood. Once he'd turned his back to her again she rolled her eyes at him. She lit her smoke and then leaned down on the hood to get what little she and Miller had said to each other down on paper. She was done before she'd finished the smoke and let Tucker know.

"You sure you got everything down?" Tucker asked without looking at her. He was sitting down against the hood on the other side of the car.  
"Yeah," she said with sigh.

"So who was the guy?" Tucker asked. Amanda studied his back.  
"The one who pulled you out. He looked very secretive in his shades," Tucker said sounding a bit amused.  
"No one," she answered curtly but felt relieved Tucker hadn't recognized Anton.  
"_No one_ had enough influence to make you disobey me," Tucker said and turned to face her, "He must mean a lot to you."

Amanda's eyes narrowed. Instead of answering she tossed the notepad over to him. She was sure he would reprimand her and remind her off the paint job but he just picked up the paper and studied it.

"Or maybe he had things to say you didn't want me to hear?" Tucker said while eyeing the paper.  
"Things that could make one blush perhaps?" Tucker finally looked up. Amanda was in the middle of a drag and when she spoke smoke decanted out of her mouth.  
"I have a hard time believing anything could make _you_ blush."

Tucker snickered. Amanda would've smiled if the entire situation didn't seem so bizarre. Minutes ago he'd cursed at her and now he wanted to chitchat? You really had to stay on your toes with Tucker.

"I have a feeling you're the type of girl who could make me though," Tucker said and fixed his eyes very intensely at her.

Amanda took another drag of her smoke. Now things felt _really_ bizarre. She'd managed to hold his eyes for a bit but with the smoke to her lips she shook her head slightly and looked over to one side. For a parking lot it felt very secluded. Not a single car had passed since they got there. It didn't look like a place people walked by either. He'd parked near a phone booth that had provided her with the light she needed to write but the rest of the parking lot was dark.

Letting her eyes drift over to the dealership Amanda found something familiar in the fluorescent lights that framed the big windows and the soft lighting over the shiny car inside. A vivid memory flashed by. She could feel the cold of the window against her palms, and then against her nose as she pressed her face up to it. She knew she was a child, she knew she wasn't properly dressed as she felt the chilly night against the bare skin of her legs and arms. She'd left a foggy imprint on the window as she separated herself from it. She could see Kim's imprint nearby but she couldn't see Kim. She could hear her voice though. _No way you will ever own one of those, no poor people have cars like that. _

Amanda shivered hearing her sister's voice ring in her ears. She took the chance to try and shake the memory off her. That's when she noticed Tucker was still watching her. He raised an eyebrow as she caught him. She took one last drag of the smoke and then flicked it away.

"Can we go now?" she asked.  
"This place making you nervous?" he asked.  
"No," she said with a frown. _That was just ridiculous_.  
"Maybe it's me then?" he suggested.

Amanda just looked at him. He'd looked deadly serious but then all of a sudden his face broke in to a smirk and he let out a low chuckle as he turned to get back in the car. Amanda hesitated, suddenly not feeling all that grand about getting back in a cramped car with him. She even lingered a bit after he'd shut his door but then she tried telling herself she was being silly and she pulled herself towards the passenger door.

Once in the seat she buckled in quickly hoping they would get out of there. Tucker hadn't buckled in yet though and made no attempt to start the engine. He seemed to be studying her notes again but he kept flipping pages, looking at the next page, which was unnecessary as her notes barely filled one page, and that was with a lot of spacing.

"Can we go? I'm getting tired and I got another early shift in the morning," she dared to ask as the silence was getting to her.  
"Yeah sure, I just wanted to make sure we had everything in order before we left," he said.

He put the notepad down and turned slightly to be able to face her better. The smile that spread over her face felt awkward and she wasn't sure what to say or do to get him to stop staring at her. The light from the phone booth wasn't doing his already ugly mug any favors. It deepen the lines already on his face and it left one of his eye sockets in darkness which made the eyeball that glimmered inside of it from time to time look freakish. The seat belt made her feel trapped and she had to focus on breathing calmly as he just kept looking at her.

"Yes, let's get you home," he said, making her jump slightly as he leaned back between their seats to toss the notepad in the back seat. He looked as he was about to sit back down and start the car but then he suddenly came back, leaning in towards her even closer than before.

"Your sergeant may think I'm only being a nuisance right now," he said and he was so close to her she could smell that he'd eaten garlic at some point during the day, "but I really see this as a chance for both of us."

Amanda wasn't sure what to say and her head got even blanker as Tucker's hand suddenly landed on her thigh. She wasn't sure she would dare to but she made a fist with her right hand and she told herself she would sock him if his hand even moved an inch.

"I mean I help you out with a small… indiscretion and you help me out. It's a win-win right?"

Amanda nodded, she didn't dare to do anything else right now. He turned his head, let his eyes drift over the parking lot in front of them for a second and she hoped he would get out of her face but then he turned back to her, staying just as close to her as before. His hand started moving, up a little but then down again. He started rubbing her thigh but all Amanda did was close her fist harder.

"And I really have your best in mind. That's why I got so angry at you today for disconnecting us, I felt helpless not being able to get to you in case you needed it. You get that right?"

Amanda nodded again not daring to question why he'd let her fend for herself in the bathroom last week if he was in fact so protective of her.

"See," he smiled, "I may come off as a son of a bitch at times but I'm not really am I?"

Amanda shook her head.

"No I can be caring right," he said a little softer and she felt him squeeze her thigh. She was too scared stiff to even flinch as he suddenly let out a chuckle.  
"Just don't let anyone know," he winked at her.  
"Now let's get you home, you do look a bit bushed I got to say," he said, tapping her thigh a little before he gave it a final squeeze. She kept watching him, fearing he would turn back again, as he got the car going.

"Speaking of my mom though," he said and shot her another wink that got lost in the dark though as they left the light source.  
"I think that's why I like you so much, you remind me of her. You have that… spunk."

She found it a little bit easier to at least try and smile now that he wasn't crowding her any longer.

"I've… been told that, that I have that I mean," she managed to say.  
"Yeah?" Tucker said amused, "I bet. Well it's a good quality. Can get you in trouble too but all in all, good quality in my book."

Amanda managed to relax a little and she was able to stop watching him as though she was guarding him. She realized she was still clutching her fist and she let it go, wiping the sweat of her palm on the side of her thigh. _Silly. She was so silly. Why would Tucker even try and make a pass at her? He was comparing her to his mother. Ha ha. Why did she get so worked up over nothing? She really had to get a grip. She couldn't keep imagining things. _

She kept glancing over at it him from time to time though. He stayed quiet for the rest of the ride, taking her all the way to her door and even wishing her a good night. The memory of his hand on her thigh lingered though. It lingered through her telling Fin about Anton showing up and Miller yet again sorta coming to her aid. It lingered through her shower and for some time after she'd put her head down on the pillow. By morning though she'd managed to suppress it to the back of her mind, letting it rest there with all other memories she much rather not deal with.

**Liv let out a heavy breath** as she finished the last paperwork of the morning. She checked her watch. Almost lunch and all she'd done today was read, sign and file papers. Days like this she really missed being out on the field even though she knew how grim it could be out there. She stretched out her back and while doing so she spotted a familiar face out in the squad room.

She hurried up and out of her chair as it seemed as though the person was leaving after having talked to the desk sergeant by the gate.

"Doctor Olivet, Elizabeth," Liv almost shouted to stop the doctor from walking around the corner. Elizabeth's face lit up as she caught who'd been calling out her name.

"_Sergeant_ Olivia Benson," she smiled as they got closer to each other.  
"Who would've thought," Liv smiled and then ignored the hand Olivet raised slightly and brought the other woman in for a hug.  
"Well everyone who's ever worked with you knows it would be the department's loss if they didn't promote you," Olivet said as she let Liv go. Liv tried to shake the praise off but she did take it to heart.

"How are things?" Liv asked and gestured the doctor with her towards her office.  
"Never nothing to do in a therapist office," Olivet smiled.  
"I bet," Liv smiled.  
"Same over here I guess."  
"You're right about that doc," Liv said and added a huff.

"So what brings you here?" Liv asked hoping it wasn't too rude to jump the shark and ask what she really wanted to know as she already had her assumptions to the doc's presence in her squad room. She had a seat in one of her visitor's chairs. Olivet lingered by the other chair though, looking a little mischievous which probably meant she knew what Liv was searching for. Liv tried to look innocent but gestured at Olivet to have a seat. Olivet hesitated but then sat down and the moment she spoke her shoulders dropped a little making her look slightly defeated.

"Amanda," Olivet admitted, "I was hoping to catch Amanda which I think you've already figured out."  
"They've all been out most of the morning, we caught a break in a case yesterday so we're trying to bring the perp in," Liv explained.  
"Well that's good," Olivet said.  
"Why are you trying to catch her?" Liv immediately asked. Olivet studied her, looking like she tried to figure out just how much she could, or wanted to say.  
"If she's ditching sessions I have to know, Cragen made those sessions mandatory and I'm her boss now," Liv said hoping to not come across too rash.  
"She's missed a few… a couple of sessions now and she's not picking up her phone so I thought I would drop in on her, see what's going on…"  
"That's not good," Liv said. Olivet looked as though she was inclined to agree but didn't say anything.

"I know she's been a bit busy, she has this one assignment away from this squad as well but I thought I'd made it clear to her that she should tell me if it got too much. She knows I think your sessions are important and she knows she's allowed to go on business hours," Liv stressed the importance of her words by looking very serious. Olivet nodded.

"I promise to tell her to get in touch with you, I will make sure she does," Liv said.  
"Thank you, I think continuity is important for her, for any patient really," Olivet smiled.  
"How is she doing? Is she making progress?" Liv couldn't keep from asking now that she had the chance.

Olivet studied Liv again.

"I'm not sure I feel comfortable talking about a patient…" Olivet said cautiously.  
"You work for the department though. I mean she is a referral from NYPD and I'm her boss," Liv tried. Olivet looked skeptic and glanced out towards the squad room as the laughter from two uniforms over by the gate reached their ears. Liv got up and over to the door to close it. She hurried back finding Olivet with a slight smile over her face.

"I remember now how persistent you can be," Olivet smiled.  
"I just have her welfare in mind," Liv promised, "Believe me… she's done a few things lately that I think, and I'm not trying to butter myself up, but any other boss would've fired her over. I just can't help but see the… _correlations_, like I can see how she's just… I guess the best thing to call it would be _acting out_ because of what she's been trough and all I want is for her to come to a place where she feels secure enough to not have to. A place where she can perhaps ask for help _before_ she lands herself in a heap of trouble."

Olivet nodded, she could see where Liv came from and she already knew Liv well enough to know she wasn't in any way evil.

"I know she doesn't open up to me about things, even though I've tried trust me, but she just has this… wall and I can't seem to get through. I just want to know that she opens up to someone, that she really tells you what's going on."

Liv stayed quiet to let, hopefully, Olivet say something. The doctor stirred a little in her seat still hesitant but then finally spoke.

"I know the wall all too well," she smiled, "I've been at it, banged my head against it a few times."

Liv smiled but got serious as she saw Olivet's face go a bit stricter.

"I think I've made some progress though and that she, at least at times, has let her guard down enough for me to peek inside," Olivet stopped and shook her head slightly, a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth, "I can't believe I'm using so many metaphors, I am usually much more upfront but I think I am worried I could lose that little trust I have managed to establish if I talk to you about her."

Liv nodded when Olivet gave her a kind look, Liv understood.

"I get it Elizabeth and I don't want you to break her trust, absolutely not. I just… I worry about her, right now constantly. So if you could just answer some of my questions maybe?"  
"We could try that," Olivet said and Liv felt a little encouraged and straighten up in her chair trying to arrange all the questions she had in her head.  
"Does she talk to you about Simon?" she started knowing it was a very broad question.  
"She does," Olivet nodded, "it's not a favorite subject and we avoid his name most of the time but it is rather implicit that's who we are talking about."  
"Okay, and I take it this thing with the kid, or not really a kid, Lucas who stalked her, threaten her, you talked about that and I guess it brought back a lot from what went down with Simon?"  
"She clued me in after a while, what I mean is I think she kept it for me for a while but she did finally tell me what was going on."  
"Okay good, so you've talked about the abduction and everything cause I feel guilty for not following up closer on that, we just got swamped right after that and…," Liv quiet down as she'd caught the look on Olivet's face, "She didn't tell you about being abducted… again?"

Olivet didn't answer immediately but Liv already knew the answer.

"This is the tricky part about being forced to talk to a patient's superior," Olivet said tilting her head to one side, "I was afraid I would say something she didn't want _you_ to find out but now I fear you've actually managed to tell me something she doesn't want _me_ to find out."  
"She didn't tell you she beat up a perp?" Liv asked and after a slight hesitation Olivet shook her head.  
"Or that she's, on her own discretion, taken up contact with the son of Gordon Goodwin, the man who pimped her out and most likely raped her repeatedly and whose son is now making a name of himself in the same business as his father?"  
"She has not told me about this son nor have she mentioned the name Gordon Goodwin during our sessions," Olivet said with a bit of defeat in her voice, she was starting to doubt herself as a suitable therapist for Amanda, "but could this Gordon be the man with either the cross on his back or the one that keeps calling her Shay?"  
"He could be both actually," Liv said.

"No, I'm sure its two different men but I think it would be the one with the cross when I think about it," Olivet said going a little absentminded. She tried to think back to what little Amanda had told her about him. It was only during those slipped moments – those moments where she spoke without thinking and before she caught herself saying something she hadn't meant to say. The man with the cross on his back was a choker. He'd choked her and she didn't mind it, it actually turned her on. Amanda had never put the word rape together with this incident though. Or incidents. Liv had made it sound like he raped her more than once.

"I was afraid of this," Liv said pulling the doctor from her thoughts, "That she wasn't talking to anyone about this."

Liv rubbed her hand over her forehead. She felt a headache sneaking up on her with all this worry that now took her over.

"I can send over her file to you right, it would force you to bring it up with her?" Liv asked enthusiastic, "but damn it's not all in the file. Not this with Anton, that's the son, or the drugs and trying to break her friend Sierra out of that brothel or whatever it was. That mess actually forced her to take this undercover assignment for IAB or this slime ball lieutenant would've had her badge."

"She just can't catch a break," Liv said shaking her head. Olivet felt the same burden as Liv, she was having a hard time taking it all in, it was just so much she didn't know and here she thought they were making progress.  
"Could I join you for a session? Maybe the three of us could sit down together?" Liv put in to words what she'd just been thinking.  
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea, I want my office to be her safe place and we are already struggling with that. If I bring you there I fear it would not benefit what we have achieved," Olivet felt a bit stupid for still trying to pretend they had made progress but she also knew in the back of her mind that was the truth. Amanda had overcome some of her insecurities and Olivet had to believe they'd come somewhere over the two years they'd been working together.

"But I could bring it up, ask her if maybe we could sit down the three of us somewhere around here?" Olivet suggested as she could tell how discouraged Liv got.  
"That would be… I mean yes do that. Let's hope she would want to," Liv said trying to think a bit more optimistic.  
"Let me ask you doc," Liv said, "Do you think she's suffering from survivor's guilt? I mean I'm sure she has PTSD but then I also feel this… just immense sadness whenever her sister is brought up and I have a feeling she'd change places with her in a second if she had that chance."  
"Survivor guilt is a symptom of PTSD," Olivet informed her, "and I think you are definitely on to something. She struggles a lot with that grief, and the loss of her sister."

"How can I help her with that?"  
"I do think working, that _work_ is helping her. I could wish she had a less stressful job with maybe not so grim encounters but it is what Amanda loves to do, and being able to help is beneficial. The usual advice for coping with grief and loss are to stay in touch with others. To not become isolated. Be patient. Both you and Amanda."

"Good luck," Liv smiled and lured Olivet to smile briefly.  
"Make her think of the good times. I know the sisters had it hard growing up but they did have good times as well and that's what I try to make her focus on."  
"She's told you about her childhood? Her mom abusing her?"  
"Again, not in so many words but that one is not hard to read between the lines," Olivet said, "I'm curious about her father. She never mentions him. I know he's dead but that's about all. Do you know anything about that?"  
"Yeah, I've read the police report. They ruled it a suicide. He shot himself. Amanda was actually the one who found him. She was just 14. I know she at least at some point thought that he'd been murdered but I'm not sure where she stands on that today."

Olivet nodded. She was learning a lot about her patient today. She just didn't know how Amanda would react to her knowing all of this.

"You okay?" Liv asked.  
"Me? Yeah, yes," Olivet asked a bit overwhelmed. She could tell she couldn't pull it by Liv though and Olivet took a deep breath.  
"I've always known Amanda keeps things from me, she certainly gives me a run for my money but her…," Olivet searched for the right word, "_quirks_ is also very interesting to me. I wouldn't be in this line of work if the human mind didn't fascinate me and your detective certainly fascinates."

Olivet stopped talking a little abruptly and fixed her eyes in Liv.

"Tell me," Liv said sensing Olivet wanted to say something but wasn't sure if she should. Olivet bit her lip slightly but then started speaking before she changed her mind again.  
"You've talked about the wall and it's just one of many elaborate defensive mechanisms she has. I'm concerned that she's hiding behind Shay though."  
"Hiding? Behind?" Liv wasn't following and leaned forward a little in her chair as she was really interesting in what the doctor had to say.  
"Patients with dissociative disorders are often…"  
"You're telling me Amanda has a personality disorder?" Liv couldn't help but interrupt the doctor. It was like something clicked in her head. Everything suddenly seemed to make sense but the doctor was fast to object.

"No, I'm not saying that," Olivet said putting her hands in the air, "Oh this is why I shouldn't talk about patients…"  
"I'm sorry doc, I didn't mean to interrupt," Liv said apologetic, "Don't feel bad. My mom was an alcoholic and spent some time in psych wards, let's just say psychological disorders doesn't bother me. I know you can be highly functional even with a diagnosis and I know Amanda is highly functional… when she wants to be. And that if anything is actually a sign of sanity."

Olivet appreciated Liv making her smile right then.

"Please tell me what you were about to say," Liv urged.  
"I'm a little worried about this Shay character that I do know she created as an alias to use for undercover operations or whatever you call them," Olivet said and Liv nodded to let her know she grasped what she meant, "She keeps popping up even before she started working as a police though, I can't say at what age but I'm certain it was before adolescences and I can't help but wonder if she uses her as another elaborate defense mechanism. Question would be if she does it consciously or unconsciously, that would decide whether or not it can be labeled a disorder. I am _not_ worried she can't function at her job but I am worried…" Olivet took a moment to collect her thoughts and then started over.

"I've seen her drift from one persona to another, in front of my eyes. And it has only happened recently so with everything you've been telling me I would suspect it is actually stress related, she does have mental illness in her family history but I think it might be a way for her to cope with the current situation."

Olivet stopped talking and watched Liv closely.

"So you're telling me I really have to make sure to lessen her burden until she can sort this out," Liv suggested more than asked. Olivet gave her a single nod.

"Could she get pushed so far it would be permanent? Like she'd stay Shay and not transition back?"

Olivet looked doubtful.

"If held captive and tortured for days, and now you tell me abducted again, hasn't pushed her over that edge I'd say very little could but I am concerned about her. I'm not pleased she seems to have filter what she's told me, withheld other things," Olivet took a breath before she continued, "Some defenses are healthy, and even necessary at times, but dissociation is often referred to as a primitive one. Which basically means it's more effective short-term. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases it can manifest in to… something more severe but I really don't think that's what we have here. As you said, she's highly functional. I do think I will have to push a little harder to help her find alternate ways to deal with this. And to be able to do that I need to get her back to the sessions…"

"I'll get her there doc, I promise," Liv said and gave the doctor a sincere smile. Liv was worried but it felt good to know there was someone else out there looking out for Amanda.

**Doctor Olivet left soon** thereafter and Liv returned to her desk with the intent to finish of the last of the papers but her attention was pulled towards her computer and she ended up looking up Dissociative disorder on Wiki. She found a lot of interesting facts and a lot of things that sounded like they fit Amanda. _Dissociative disorders usually develop as a way to cope with trauma. The disorders most often form in children subjected to chronic physical, sexual or emotional abuse or, less frequently, a home environment that is otherwise frightening or highly unpredictable._

She spent her entire lunch hour clicking links and broadening her knowledge of the conditions that went under the dissociative spectrum. Some facts worried her, _an episode of depersonalization disorder can be as brief as a few seconds or continue for several years. _While others calmed her again, _once discovered and treated, many people recover quickly. The problem may never happen again._

Nick interrupted her by knocking on her closed door. Liv signaled him inside and he let her know they had apprehended the suspect.

"Good, that's good," Liv said, "Where's Rollins?"  
"I asked her to take the interrogation with Fin. Keith and I brought him down so he's not that happy with us. He was talking her up on the way back so I thought we could use that," Nick said staying by the door.

He was eager to get the interrogation on its way but he could tell on Liv's face something was bothering her.

"That's not cool? I mean would you like us to set it up differently?" he asked taking a few steps further in.

Liv thought it over. Her talk with doctor Olivet was still playing on her mind and she feared forcing Amanda to play nice with a rapist was too much for her at this point. But she couldn't really see a way for her to pull her out without causing friction in some way.

"No, you go ahead, sounds like you have it figured out," she said.  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah Nick, I trust you," she said and convinced him with a smile.  
"Okay boss," Nick said feeling a little better as he headed back out.

**Liv went to watch** the interrogation for a bit. Nick and Keith were already glued to the window. The perp was withholding he was innocent but whenever he clammed up Amanda got him talking again by charming him. Liv was impressed with her industrious efforts but she was also worried how it affected Amanda. She played very seductive at times, even unbuttoned the top buttons in her shirt which Liv knew had to do with the fact the perp had said he liked to see skin on his ladies.

Fin was in the room but didn't do much. He got to jump in whenever the perp got too pervy which gave Amanda another chance to bond with the perp.

Liv's phone had buzzed a few times and even though she much rather stay and keep an eye on the interrogation, more so Amanda, she realized she had to get back to whoever was trying to reach her.

"I got to take this call," Liv let Nick know, "Don't leave her in there too long okay? That's taking a toll on her so tap her out in no more than 15 if they haven't gotten anywhere by then."  
"Got it chief," Nick said with a nod.

Liv reluctantly pulled herself away from the window. She was still determined to talk to Amanda during the day and let her know doctor Olivet had stopped by.

**The perp finally admitted** to his crimes, Nick let Liv know Amanda had spurred him to brag about what he'd done and then everything came out like running water. Nick took the chance to send some praise Amanda's way knowing he'd been rather hard on her recently. Not that she didn't deserve it, she had been slacking off but maybe something was going on that he didn't know about and right now she did deserve praise. That had been a long and grueling interrogation but it had paid off.

Liv kept eyes on Amanda as she sat by her desk doing the paper work after the interrogation. Nick kept running in and out of Liv's office with news from Barba and with updates about the victims that were now informed one by one that their rapist had been caught.

Liv had both Nick and Keith in her office as she saw Amanda put her jacket on and looking like she was heading out.

"Hey Amanda," Liv said a bit louder but not loud enough for Amanda to hear her. Nick was as perceptive as usual though and stepped out to let Amanda know their boss wanted her. Liv's desk phone started ringing just as Amanda stepped in, rearranging the collar on her jacket. Nick had stepped back in as well and Keith was leaning over her desk reading a file.

"You heading out?" Liv asked while trying to ignore the phone.  
"Uhm yeah," Amanda said glancing sideways to meet Nick's curious glance. He folded his eyes down to pretend to be reading the post-it in his hand.  
"Eh okay…" Liv was hesitant what to do. The phone on her desk started ringing again.  
"You want us to leave chief?" Nick asked, he could feel his and Keith's presence held Liv off from saying something.

Liv shot him a look and really felt like saying yes but then her cellphone started ringing too and Keith just kept flipping pages in his file. Liv shook her head.

"You come see me in the morning okay?" Liv said fixing her eyes in Amanda.

Amanda again shot a sideways glance at Nick who still did a poor job of pretending he wasn't listening to everything being said, or not said, in the room right now.

"Okay," Amanda said a bit hesitant. She wanted to ask if something was wrong. If she'd done something wrong but with Nick, and Keith, there she didn't want to bare her own insecurity and bit down on her lip as she turned to leave.

"Have a good night," Liv shouted after her as she reached for both phones. Nick had kept his eyes on Amanda as she walked out but turned quickly to Liv as she picked up both phones and more or less yelled an annoyed "what" in to the receivers.

**Amanda felt a bit relieved** when she was finally allowed to leave Tucker's car and head in to the bar. She still felt uneasy about yesterday but today Tucker had stayed on his side of the car and he was back to snide remarks out of the corner of his mouth. Cassidy was back but not out of the doghouse. Tucker had let rip a row of insults at him before he sent him in.

It was the first time Amanda was actually relieved to be able to step inside the bar so she walked in with a whole different demeanor. It was a Wednesday night but still early so the bar wasn't crowded at all. She spotted Cassidy by the end of the bar for a change, he usually sat by the window. She walked up to the bar and exchanged a few words with the bartender. She had a sense he'd warmed up to her a bit. In the beginning he'd been short with her but she didn't blame him as her first appearance in this bar had been somewhat… disturbing.

After exchanging a few words with James she took her beer and went further in. A guy in his fifties was shooting some pool by himself so she asked him if they could play a game. He was up for it, once he'd made sure she wasn't a pool shark. He was easy going and they ended up playing a friendly game that she won just marginally.

There was still no sign of Miller so she ended up playing another round of pool with the same guy. He'd sent someone to do a bar round for them and the guy who brought them new beers ended up grabbing a queue and joining them. It was unclear who won that round but no one really cared. Amanda had gotten word Miller had arrived a while ago so she tried to gracefully bow out of another round saying she would just watch them but then ended up slipping back out towards the bar.

The bar was still not crowded and Miller had empty seats on both sides of him. She was a little unsure how bold she could be but she was already pretty sure Miller had seen her in the mirror above the bar that gave a good view of the entire place so she decided to walk up to him.

"Hey," she said with a shy smile as she leaned slightly against the bar next to him. Miller gave her a nod which made Amanda feel rejected.  
"Hey," he said soon thereafter though and Amanda instantly felt better. She brought her bottle up to her lips and had a mouthful.

"Can I buy you another one?" he asked having picked up she was running low.  
"Yeah, sure. Thanks," she said and took it as she was allowed to sit down as well so that's exactly what she did.

Miller had, in his usual cool manner, put a single finger up in the air at James who'd picked up the message and soon came over with a beer on tap.

"For the lady," Miller said when James was about to put it down in front of him. James just steered the glass over to her.  
"Thanks," she said giving James a smile.  
"Enjoy," he said and then retracted further down behind the bar.

Amanda shot Miller a quick look. He gave her a smile, not a bright exuberant one but one that fitted his face better but she was sure it had been a smile. She tasted her beer, for some reason it tasted much better than the previous bottles had. She exhaled deeply and then rested her elbows on the bar.

"One of those days," Miller guessed.  
"Aren't they all," Amanda joked and was pleased to see Miller smile yet again. _Two in just a few minutes, she was doing awesome here.  
_"Where do you work?" she dared to ask hoping she wasn't pushing it.  
"Streets, this borough. Two precincts east," he said keeping it short but informative enough.  
"For long?" she asked and he nodded.  
"Probably before you were born," he said.  
"Boy, you're old then," she said and hid the smile behind her glass as she heard him snort amused.  
"Never wanted to advance? Get off the street," she asked once she'd put her glass down again.  
"No, I belong on the streets," he said keeping it short as usual.

She just nodded, wasn't sure what to say to that. They sat around for a while just looking around, sipping on their beers. She tried to imagine being him. She saw what he saw right now but she wondered what he was thinking. _Was he plotting some retaliation attack? Was he waiting for word on a new victim slash perp? And how did they pick them? How did they know the perp really deserved a good beating? Had they ever gone after someone innocent? Had they actually killed someone else than that guy McTavish killed? Or maybe he was just thinking what a couple of fools watching two guys walk in already obviously drunk? Maybe he was just a loner out for a drink after a hard day's work? _

"Detective right," Miller suddenly said glancing slightly her way. Amanda nodded.  
"Yeah," she said.  
"Transfer from Atlanta," he stated. She faced him, raising her eyebrows at him.  
"People gossip way too much in this place," he said with a shrug. She withdrew her eyes a little shamefully.  
"Well I guess I've given them plenty to gossip about," she said under her breath.  
"Don't let them get to you," Miller said. She shot him a look, a bit surprised he'd been so fast in supporting her.  
"They're not worth it," he said with a frown and picked up his glass again.

She felt something resembling pride that Miller seemed to have her back and she even thought she was blushing. She didn't dare to have a look in the mirror but her face felt flushed.

The guys that had walked in already a bit rowdy had continued their streak and been joined by at least two more that walked in soon after them. They were hanging out by the bar, talking loudly and downing shots in a pace that Amanda figured would leave them puking before dinner time. The guy next to Amanda moved away, probably because of the ruckus, and left her flank open.

One of the guys quickly picked up on the fact there was actually a skirt in there, and a good looking one too he had to add very loudly. He managed to call her both chick and doll before he'd ended the next sentence, and he came on way too strong for her liking. She was just about to say something crude back to him when she felt Miller bump his elbow against her arm.

"Let's grab a table," he suggested once she'd turned to look at him. She gave him a nod and got off her chair quickly picking up her bear to bring with her.

"He's too old for you," the guy shouted after them.  
"I swear I'm much better in the sack then grandpa."

Amanda sat down shaking her head at the table Miller had steered them towards.

"What a jerk, that's another one deserving a swat over the head," she mumbled.  
"Some people are just not worth it," Miller said, keeping it simple.

Amanda tried to not make it too obvious she was studying him. He really intrigued her. This walking away business, turning the other cheek or whatever, didn't seem to fit the person she'd read about in that file of his. That person was angry. Angry at the man that killed his family, that had robbed him of his future. He was angry at the incompetence that had let that same killer walk free, she'd read just exactly what he'd said about the police department he himself worked for. He hadn't watched his words and it had left him suspended. _Did you get this cool by retaliation?_ _What had he done to become able to let words rinse off him this easily when they had made him flip so many times out on the street?_ He had so many reprimands she actually questioned how the department had let him stay on the job.

"I met someone today that deserved more than just a swat over the head," she said looking down in to her glass.  
"Yeah?" Miller asked and she thought she sensed curiosity in that single word. She nodded. She kept looking down until the fluid in her glass was still again after two bubbles had broken the surface within a second of each other.

"Yeah," she said looking up. Her eyes glanced out over the crowd that started to form inside the bar.  
"He raped three women within two weeks. Just random women too, no pattern in the selection so we really didn't think we would catch him," Amanda said with her gaze somewhere in the distance.

"How did you get him?" Miller asked.  
"He made a mistake with the last victim," Amanda said with a monotone voice as images of that poor woman flashed before her eyes. _Face beaten bloody. Contusions and lashes all over her torso. A ripped earring. And that wasn't even the worst of her injuries. What he'd done to her genitals was even worse._ Amanda swallowed hard. She managed to blink away the memories and caught Miller looking at her instead.

"We already knew he was probably skilled. That this wasn't the first time he'd done this. He left no DNA what so ever on the first two women. Wore gloves, a hood. They couldn't even say what color his skin was. He used a condom with all three. He had a knife and he… made these cuts… on the women, down there…"

Amanda had to fight to keep her face straight, the images of the women were still very vivid in her mind, but Miller managed to keep his usual cool, collected composure somehow. Amanda shook her head, looking down again. She took a deep breath and then looked back up.

"Well he cut himself, or the last victim struggled as he was cutting her so he cut his finger and he left blood DNA on the ground. We found a match. Like I said we knew this wasn't the first time he did this. He'd pleaded guilty to a lesser charge in a rape claim back in '09."  
"So he only now started back up?" Miller asked.  
"Yeah we think so. When I finally got him to talk… took me and my partner like two hours to get there. I had to play all coy and like I fancied him. Disgusting," Amanda even shivered thinking about it, "Well when he opened up he let everything spill. He bragged about what he'd done. All he wanted was to shock me, I could tell he got off on telling me what he'd done and he wanted me to get repulsed."

"Did you? Get repulsed?" Miller asked still not showing any emotion on his face. Amanda lingered with her eyes on him for a second. _Was he really this cold always?  
_"Yeah, of course I was," Amanda admitted, "I didn't let him see that though."

They just held each other eyes for a bit before Miller turned to look outside without saying anything. _Was that the wrong answer? What could she say to get him to like her? She knew how to flirt with people shamefully but Miller just didn't seem like the guy that would go for that. He would probably reject her if she tried to get with him. Even just thinking about that rejection made her feel inadequate._

They stayed silent for a while. Amanda turned to look outside as well. It seemed to be a bit windy out there, some leaves were tumbling down the street. Tires trying to change their direction but the wind won every time and for some reason that pleased her. _Nature had its course. Maybe she had her course too? But where was she heading?_

"You want another one?" Miller asked.  
"Huh?" Amanda asked having been lost in her thoughts for a while.  
"Another one?" Miller asked holding up his empty glass from the table. She wasn't far behind so she nodded. Miller was about to get up but then he seemed to catch James attention and James signaled for him to sit back down.

"Good 'ol Jimmy," Miller mumbled but again without even a smile on his face.

Amanda smiled though. So Miller and Jimmy went way back. Both Miller and Amanda thanked 'ol Jimmy as he came over with their beers. Amanda had reached up to help Jimmy out as he fumbled a little with her glass on the tray and she hadn't noticed that her sleeve, that she'd in usual manner had made sure to pull down after she hung her jacket on the back of her chair, had slid down exposing both her hand and wrist. She didn't notice it until she caught Miller starring down at what she could only figure was her scar. Looking down she could tell even one of the scars around her wrists was very visible in this light and she tried to not make it that obvious, but how could she not, that she hurried to cover up her hand as she caught him looking. She caught his dark eyes briefly before she had to look down feeling very exposed under his watchful eyes.

She had a taste of her new beer, making sure her sleeves covered both her hands as she tried to come up with something to say. _Good 'ol Jimmy sure serves good beer. This beer was nice and cool._ Nothing seemed good enough to say inside her head but thankfully she didn't have to say anything as Miller got distracted by his phone. She peeked up at him from underneath her bangs as he brought up not one but two phones from his jacket pocket. He seemed to find a text on one of them and he studied it for a few long seconds before he wrote something very short back.

"Got plans later?" she asked when he put the phones down on the table.  
"Something like that," Miller said without looking at her.  
"Sounds adventurous," she tried but got a little intimated by the look he gave her.  
"None of my business," she mumbled and looked down to follow a drop on the outside of her glass slowly make its descend down to the table.

She moved her glass slightly to the side so she could put her finger in the drop and she recalled using water to draw images on a table as a girl. _Her mom had tossed out both her crayons and water colors after she'd spilled some color on something. She couldn't really remember what she'd spilled on though. She wasn't even sure she had spilled but just something her mom had made up to be able to be mean to her. Why did she always have to be so mean?_

"You got plans?" Miller suddenly asked. Amanda looked up and shrugged.  
"This was my plans. Drink. Try to get yet another rapist out of my mind so maybe I can sleep tonight and then start everything all over again tomorrow. Very exciting right," Amanda shot him a crocked smile.  
"God, that sounded so bitter," Amanda blurted out, "I do like my job, it just gets to me at times."  
"I get it," Miller said. His phone, or one of them at least, buzzed again and he picked it up to check the message. This time he didn't reply but just put it back down.

"Don't let me… I mean if you have to be somewhere," Amanda wasn't sure what to say.  
"I don't," Miller said curtly. Amanda couldn't get rid of the feeling though that she was holding him from something.

The rowdy guys from the bar earlier had moved further inside after they'd downed another couple of shots. They seemed to be heading out already and the volume in there got louder for a moment as they headed towards the door. The guy that had hit on her earlier spotted her and of course had to keep up his repulsive behavior.

"Bye doll, don't give pops a hernia when you straddle him tonight."

Amanda just stared at him but then slowly moved her hand up. The guy looked excited, like he maybe expected her to call him over and kiss him or something. But that changed the moment she put her middle finger in the air straight at him. He looked oddly offended for someone who had just been very offensive himself and cocked his head at her and then put a lame finger in the air at her before he headed out. She met Miller's eyes once she could no longer glare at the guy.

"Sorry, I'm just not as stoic as you," she said with a mix of remorse and humor in her tone. She had to smile as Miller actually chuckled. She liked how his broad shoulders jumped slightly in that black leather jacket he insisted on keeping on. She didn't say anything, just settled with the good feeling of having humored him if only for a moment.

"I liked what you said yesterday," Miller said after a couple of minutes of silence. Minutes she for some odd reason hadn't found awkward at all.  
"About payback," he said once he had her eyes. She nodded.  
"Would you be able to back that up?" he asked but she wasn't sure exactly what he meant.  
"You stand by that? It's just not a saying," he clarified. She shook her head.  
"Karma is all good but I prefer to see the bad guys go down, help them go down," she said seriously.

His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied her. When he did that his whites disappeared and she felt a little nervous staring in to his pitch black eyes.

"Do you trust me?" he asked. To say yes to that would be a lie, she didn't know him. But she figured that was the answer she perhaps had to give him, the one he expected from her.  
"Sorry, that was stupid," he said though before she even had a chance to answer, "You don't know me, you _shouldn't_ trust me."

She wasn't even involved in the conversation right now but she still felt as though she was screwing it up.

"Maybe you'll learn to trust me though," he said still watching her, "Would you go somewhere with me?"

Now she got a little worried he was talking about something else than karma and payback. This sounded more like a pickup line and she felt a little numb when she saw images of his hands roaming over her body. That felt wrong for some reason. _But if that's what Miller wanted maybe Tucker expected her to agree to that? _

"I don't mean it in that way that guy hinted though. Just a walk. Would you go on a walk with me?"  
"Yeah, walk sounds good, I got nothing better to do," she said bouncing back quickly from a dark place. _But then she got nervous again. Walk where? What did he really have in mind cause surely a walk wasn't it?  
_"I have to ask though, how much have you had to drink?"

Amanda looked slightly offended.

"I had two bottles before you got here…" she said.

He studied her.

"I'm _not_ drunk if that's what you're worrying about. I'm not going to puke or make a fool of myself. Or you."

Miller suddenly stood up, picking up his phones from the table and putting them back down in his pocket again.

"So can I come? Did I pass?" she asked when he turned his back to her.  
"You can come," he said looking over his shoulder with a grin over his face. _She was on a roll. She'd amused him several times now._

She hurried to pick up her jacket and caught up with Miller by the door.

"You stay in sight," came Tucker's voice in her ear, "Don't dare disconnect."

Amanda saw Cassidy get up from the bar and their eyes met briefly before she took the door Miller was holding up for her. She hurried to get her jacket on, it was chilly now that the sun had set. She kept up pace with Miller. She knew they were heading Tucker's way and she was nervous Miller would spot him. _What if he would catch the car following them? Was Cassidy following on foot? Was he good at backup? _She had no idea what she was heading in to and it scared her.

"It's getting a bit chilly," she said just to fill the silence that made her nervous. The streets felt so deserted. _Where was she heading?_

Miller hummed an answer, it sounded as though he agreed.

"Do you live around here?" Amanda asked after they'd walked a few blocks.

Miller kept looking ahead, he didn't seem on edge or looking for anyone following them. Amanda had seen Tucker's car once. There weren't a lot of cars out which she feared made Tucker's stand out but Miller never once looked behind them. He just kept walking, looking straight ahead and with his hands deep in his pockets. She hadn't seen Cassidy once which meant he was either good at stalking or actually not following them at all.

"I'm not bringing you to my place, you don't have to worry about that happening," Miller said without looking at her.  
"Nah, I wasn't…" she said but she knew he'd picked up on her unease and it was stupid denying it so she just quiet down. Miller finally glanced her way.  
"I meant it back there when I said you can trust me. I'm not interested in getting in your pants. Nothing's going to happen tonight that you don't want to happen," he said.

She figured it was an attempt to calm her but it sounded ominous. _So what was going to happen? Was he bringing her to a meeting with the rest of this potential vigilance group? Had they set up a trap for someone? For her?_

"I dunno if I should be offended or not," she said, "You not wanting to get in my pants."

Miller smiled her way and it made her feel a little better. Miller's phone buzzed again and he read a text on his phone. He made a brief stop and sent a very short text back.

"We're going to stop up here," Miller said cocking his head further up the street.  
"Why?" Amanda asked.  
"You'll find out soon," Miller said.  
"Try and stay in sight," Tucker said in her ear.

It was easier said than done though as Miller brought her a step inside an alley where the street light didn't reach them. He told her to stay put as he went further in. She watched him walk up to a container and he seemed to know exactly where to look. He walked back with what looked like a plastic bag but he kept it close to his side so she couldn't make out what was in it.

He took a stance against one of the walls, peeking out towards the curb. Amanda just hung around trying to stay calm and finally dug down in her pocket for her smokes.

"Don't smoke," Miller said though and she wondered if he had eyes in the back of his head.  
"Sorry but hanging out in alleys past sunset makes me crave a smoke," she said pouting her lips slightly.

She took a step closer to him to get a better idea what he was looking at. He seemed to keep his eyes on a coffee shop across the street. She could only see a guy behind the counter and a couple sitting at a table. A car drove up and Miller signaled for her to come even closer.

"A guy is going to step out of the car and most likely walk inside to get a coffee to go. I want you to watch him and see if you can identify him," Miller said.

Amanda found herself holding her breath fixing her eyes on the car. She finally just had to breathe as whoever was going to step out lingered inside. When the passenger door finally opened she pierced her eyes at the guy that stepped out. She got a clear view of his face as he turned to say bye to whoever was driving.

"Do you recognize him?" Miller asked as the man turned and walked inside the coffee shop.  
"That's… Jared Holland," Amanda said a bit shocked, "What is he doing out already?"

They had arrested him right before the summer. He'd tried to rape a young woman that he'd been dating earlier that year. She'd broken it off though which he apparently didn't take lightly. When questioning former girlfriends they found two that were willing to talk to them and it got quite obvious he'd been inappropriate with them. One of the exes agreed to witness, Jared hadn't raped her but he'd threaten her and assaulted her after she'd broken up with him. The other ex Amanda hadn't managed to talk into filing charges. Amanda was sure Jared had raped her, it was obvious in her entire being but no matter what Amanda tried she just would not stand up for herself.

Amanda knew Jared had pleaded not guilty even though they had compelling evidence against him. Jared's attorney had gotten the trial transferred so Barba hadn't been able to try it but he'd said it was a slam dunk even for another ADA.

"He spent 30 days in jail, he is on the registry if that's any consolation," Miller let her know.  
"It's not," Amanda mumbled watching Jared inside the coffee shop. He seemed to be laughing, it made her angry.

Miller bumped her arm and she broke her gaze at Jared and found Miller holding out a pair of gloves and something else towards her. Amanda took it first before she asked what it was.

"He raped at least two women right. He's walking around laughing. He's going to rape again right?"  
"Most likely," Amanda said.  
"Put that on," he told her. She watched him put something on the top of his head and then thread a pair of gloves on himself. She followed his lead and put her own mask on, pulled it down towards her ears and then put the gloves on.

"A bat," she mumbled as she noticed what had also been in plastic bag, she couldn't believe she'd missed that. He shoved the bag in his pocket and made sure it stayed there.  
"Once he gets his coffee he's going to walk across the street and walk by us. Do you still believe in payback?"

Amanda felt herself nod before she could even think it over.

"Okay then," Miller said and took a step further in to the shadows as Jared stepped out of the coffee shop and just as predicted crossed the street coming right at them.

"I'm going to approach him," Miller whispered and Amanda felt the bat get placed in her hands.  
"Pull your hood down," he said before he stepped out on the street and started walking around the car that was parked out by the curb.

Amanda put her back against the wall as she pulled the hood down and rearranged it to get the openings right over her eyes. She felt a bit of panic built up.

"What do I do?" she asked but she wasn't sure if it came out loud enough for Tucker to pick up. _Maybe she'd just said it inside her head?_ When she didn't hear Tucker reply she figured that might be the case but now Jared was just yards away and it was too late.

She heard Miller grunt, got Jared's attention and said something about his wife tossing his car keys before she took off. Miller said they've had a fight, his wife was such a bitch, and Jared's eyes started searching the ground.

"I dunno, maybe towards the alley," Miller said staying by the car as Jared came closer to the alley. Amanda pushed herself back against the wall as much as she could. The bat weigh heavy in her grip and she grasped it harder as she was afraid to drop it. Jared had his back towards Miller when he pulled down his own hood, getting it in place easily as though he'd done it several times and took the few steps up to Jared with determination. He put his boot right on Jared's ass and he took a tumble inside the alley spilling his coffee.

"What the…" he grunted and tried to get back on his feet but Miller was there again and kicked him even further in leaving Jared in the sparse light from a lamp above a door. Amanda could see fear all over Jared's face once he flipped over on his backside. He crawled backwards using all four when Miller charged him.

"You enjoy raping women you sick fuck," Miller asked, his voice even darker than usual.  
"I don't," Jared mumbled.  
"No? So you're both a liar and a rapist then."

Jared shook his head.

"They lied, I don't _need_ to rape," Jared stuttered and Amanda remembered him using those exact words in interrogation.  
"You're a rapist," Miller withheld.

He then turned and signaled Amanda out of the shadows. Stepping out in to the light she could no longer pretend she was just a fly on the wall and Jared's eyes moved over to her. She could see his eyes go up and down her body, he sized her up and Amanda felt exposed.

"You're crazy," Jared mumbled as he caught sight of the bat in her hand and he tried to flee. Jared got back around on all four to jolt out of there but Miller was ready and kicked one of his feet off the ground making him tumble to one side. When Jared tried to put weight back on his foot it seemed injured and he fell back down. Miller was right there by his side and placed a kick right at his gut that hade Jared gasping for air.

"C'mon," Miller said to Amanda.

Amanda felt paralyzed but yet her feet started moving towards them.

"I didn't rape you," Jared coughed and it seemed directed at Amanda.  
"Sophie?" Jared tried as she got closer.

Amanda recognized the name of one of his exes.

"Lana?" he tried next. The other ex.  
"Anne?"

Amanda didn't recognize the name. _The latest victim, her name was Caroline. Surely her nickname wasn't Anne. _

"Court?"

Yet another name Amanda didn't recognize and she felt sick to her stomach.

"I didn't rape you," Jared shouted but immediately got a kick across his back by Miller.  
"Shut up," Miller hissed. Jared coughed again but when he turned his face back up against the light there was no fear on his face, just rage and he pinned his eyes in Amanda who slowly came closer and closer.

"You slut," Jared shouted. This time Miller's kick didn't quiet him as he continued;  
"You wanted it. You're a slut."  
"You're going to let him talk to you like that?" Miller asked, his body language getting a little stressed. He kept throwing looks out towards the street as though he was worried someone would detect them if Jared kept shouting.

"You slut," Jared mumbled now with his face stuck to the ground as Miller put a boot on top of his head.  
"This is your chance for payback," Miller said pinning his eyes in her, "are you going to take it?"

Amanda looked at Miller, her hands forming a familiar grip around the bat. It felt familiar in a sense but never had she wore gloves to use a bat. _This wasn't what she wanted. She didn't believe in this kind of payback. Did she?_ _Sophie. Lana. Anne. Court_. The names kept ringing in her ears. _His victims. He'd raped those women_.

Amanda let the bat drop towards Jared's body. It just bounced against his arm, no power behind it. Jared started laughing. Strained sneers from underneath Miller's boot.

"You pathetic slut."

In that moment Jared's face got blurry. She saw Jake Cullen. Scott. Gordon. Simon. Amanda's grip harden and she brought the bat up only to swing it down with a little more power behind it. It was still weak in comparison to what she could do with a bat but in the back of her head she still waited for Tucker to come with sirens and lights flashing, to break this up before she did what she felt like doing. _She felt like bashing this bastard's head in. Sophie. Lana. Anne. Court. _

"You deserved it."

She brought the bat up again, this time far above her head and when it crashed down over Jared's arm again she could feel the crack and Jared's whimpering made her feel warm all over, a smile even spread across her face underneath the hood.

"You bitch," Jared cried through clinched teeth as he pressed his arm tight to his body.

Amanda lifted the bat again. Miller removed his boot and took a step back to give her even more room. The bat crashed down at Jared's midsection. He cried out in pain, folded himself together as another blow came quickly. The second blow did even greater damage to his ribs, Amanda felt it in the bat. _Sophie. Lana. Anne. Court_.

"B-bitch," Jared tried gasping.

_Jake. Scott. Gordon. Simon. The grey man. His wife. Anton. Okeke. _They all flashed in front of her eyes. The bat was already above her head and this time it crashed down on his head. _She wanted to shut them up. She wanted payback. Sophie. Lana. Anne. Court. Shay._

"_You're wicked. You need purification. Beg for salvation Shay." _

The bat crashed down again, blood splattering the wall above the body on the ground as she brought it back up quickly. Her heart was pumping fast. Breath rapid and shallow. The voices in her head got quieter and quieter with every new blow. Putting more and more weight behind the bat. She wanted him gone. She wanted to beat him to infinity. _Sophie. Lana. Anne. Court. Shay. Amanda._ She had no perception of her surroundings now. All she felt was the bat in her hand and all she saw was the target on the ground. All she needed was this bat. And him gone. _She_ was gone.

* * *

"_Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."_ **Friedrich Nietzsche**


	15. Chapter 15: Desertion

**Chapter 15: Desertion**

_It was her turn to step up to the plate. Usually she never got nervous. She knew she was good. She'd never met a pitcher yet that could outsmart her. She had a batting average that her coach said could compete with girls ten years her senior. Amanda knew though that the pitching got better in the higher leagues so you couldn't really compare their stats. Her coach was already talking about scholarships to college, but she wasn't even in high school yet. _

_She already knew though that she would need that money to even get in to college. It wasn't like her parents could afford to send her to any good school. Speaking of her parents, she turned one more time towards the bleachers to see if anyone of them had shown up. She feared her mom would show up, drunk or loopy on those pills of hers as usual, but she kept hoping to see her dad. Yet again had he promised to come see her play when she talked to him on the phone earlier this week but yet again had he seemed to forget or got something else, more important, to do. _

_The umpire called her up to the plate and she rearranged her hands on the bat. They were under by one point. She'd been out on base every turn she'd gotten, something the sliding marks on her uniform proved, but that didn't help when most of the 8 others didn't manage to put the ball in play. Lisa was on first base now thanks to a walk so she knew all she had to do was score a homerun and they could win the game. That was easier said than done though, she was a good hitter but she wasn't a power hitter. _

_With one foot in the box she looked back at her coach standing by third base. "You can do this slugger," he yelled, clapping with his hands. She'd gotten her signs already, she knew what he wanted her to do and she knew why. She stepped in to the box with both feet, rubbed them back and forth in the red dirt to find a steady position. When the pitcher put the ball in her glove Amanda leaned forward with her bat and out of the corner of her eye she saw the infielders creep closer. _

_Faking a bunt had the intended effect though, the pitcher dropped the ball too soon and Amanda kept her bat in the catcher's line of sight long enough to distract her. Lisa was halfway down to second as the catcher fumbled with the ball in the dirt and tossed it down there even though it was obviously too late. Lisa did a nice standup slide and Amanda felt proud as she'd taught her that. _

"_Good job, good job," the coach aimed both their ways and then gave Amanda her new set of signs. She already knew he wanted her to hit though. He expected her to at least send Lisa home but Amanda wanted to do more. She wanted to please him, and her team. It was such a nice feeling to get appreciated and this was the arena where she was used to it. In this uniform she didn't look poor or stand out from anyone else. No one could judge her on her washed out clothes and the church's hand-me-downs. This wasn't like school where you got glares for excelling in a subject, where no one else appreciated your hard efforts. On this field she was an appreciated member of a group and that felt good. _

_She took her stance listening to her sister's voice over by their dugout. She was taunting the pitcher for throwing it in the dirt changing the rollin' rollin' rollin' to Rollins, Rollins, Rollins. Always so cheeky and it made Amanda smile. The pitcher seemed to pick up on her smile and she looked a little confused. Amanda seemed to have gotten her rattled and the second pitch also hit the dirt. She knew she had the perfect opportunity now as the third pitch would most likely come right up the middle so they wouldn't get too much behind in the count. _

_She took a new grip around the bat, swung it a few times back and forth forcing the catcher backwards before she took her stance. This was her chance and she took a deep breath to relax herself. Eyes focused on the ball in the pitcher's hand. Elbow up. The ball came right where she expected and she hit it right over the plate, remembering to follow through and she could feel in the bat it was a good hit. Once the ball was off the bat she started running. She heard nothing, all she saw was the assistant coach at first base waving her towards second. She knew she was on her own for a while as she rounded first and it usually scared her a little but she could see the leftfielder still charging after the ball and in the corner of her eye she saw Lisa already going for home plate so she instantly felt good knowing at least the score was even. Anything that happened from now on would be a bonus as long as she wasn't tagged out. Turning towards third she saw coach gesturing like a mad man and behind him the entire bench were on their feet cheering her on. Kim was hanging on the net, mouth wide open and face turning red. Go Manda. This was the best feeling in the world. _

This was the worst feeling in the world. Amanda walked rapidly down the street, Miller right by her side.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, having just a moment ago asked the same question but apparently wasn't satisfied by her previous nod.  
"I'm okay," she answered toneless.

She was lying but she really hoped Miller didn't notice. If he pushed right now she wasn't sure she could hold it together. The fact was she was dying on the inside. Jared Holland taunting her and his concealed admissions of even more rape victims than they'd been aware of made her so angry she had finally just snapped. She wasn't sure how many times she'd hit him with the bat.

At some point it wasn't him any longer but everyone who had wronged her or that she feared or despised. Miller had grabbed the bat at some point and pushed her backwards, away from the body on the ground. It had taken her a moment to snap out of her daze and that's when she saw worry in Miller's eyes. He looked scared and that terrified her.

When she realized Jared wasn't moving she would've panicked if it weren't for the fact Miller had grabbed a hold of her and started pulling her further down the alley. She'd been in need of physical help to move at that point. Horror infested every limb in her body and her mind was completely blank except for one thing. _She'd killed Jared Holland_.

She had heard Miller tell her to remove her hood and gloves but she'd been unable to follow that simple instruction. When he let her go she'd been left just standing staring straight ahead, too afraid to look backwards. Next thing she knew Miller was in front of her pulling off her hood a little roughly. There had been something fatherly over the way he brushed her hair back though. _You'll be fine_, he'd said and then pulled her along again.

The street they got out on was just as deserted as the one they'd been staking out earlier. He'd asked her if she was okay and when she nodded he let her go as though he was testing if she could move forward on her own or not.

"Give me your gloves," he said and she somehow managed to peel them off her trembling hands and hand them to him. She heard the rustling of a plastic bag but all she could do was focus on moving her feet forward.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.  
"I'm okay," she answered.

She could feel Miller glancing her way. A car was approaching further up on the street and Amanda found herself getting pressed up against a van by Miller as the car drove by. She was actually glad over the proximity and feeling his steady body holding her up. He reminded her of Fin. She wanted him even closer, holding her even tighter and she got stuck just focusing on his strong jawline. His skin looked a little rough but still good for a man his age. She could see a slight coat of sweat closer to his ear, it glimmered in the street light that reached only that part of him.

"Okay let's keep moving," he said and pulled her off the van but let her go quicker this time.  
"We should separate," he said glancing her way. _Please stay. Don't leave me_.  
"Will you be okay?" he asked and she found herself nodding even though she wasn't sure. _Nothing would ever be okay again_.  
"Listen to me," he said wanting her attention but he had to keep them moving as well, "Creep deserved that. He had it coming. What you did tonight saved women from being his victims. _You_ did that. You saved someone tonight and you should feel proud over that."

Amanda nodded in an attempt to make him think she was proud but all she felt was guilt. She might've just killed someone and there was nothing he could say that would make her feel better about that.

"So you'll be okay?" he asked and again she found herself nodding.  
"Look, I might not check in for a while but just keep your head low and we'll talk soon okay?"

Amanda nodded.

"I'm gonna take left up here okay, you just continue a few blocks straight ahead and you'll have a couple of buses to choose from. Or grab a cab. Don't take the L. Cameras. Got it?"

Again she nodded.

"Good job kid," Miller said, gave her arm a squeeze before he crossed the street and took off. She kept throwing glances after him, didn't want him to leave her.

"What do I do?" she asked out loud as she continued down the street. She hadn't heard from Tucker in ages. _Where the hell was he? Why hadn't he interrupted her earlier? Why did he let her beat that man to death? _

"What do I do?" she asked a little more desperate, "What do I do?"

She felt tears starting to run down her cheeks but there was no use trying to wipe them off as more kept coming.

"Please tell me what to do," she begged with a tremble on her voice.

"Give me your location," came Tucker's voice in her ear.

Hearing his voice made her feel better even though she hated him right now. She took a few steps out on the street to get a look at the sign and let Tucker know. She turned her head and gave him the name of the crossing street.

"Okay, stay put, we're on our way," Tucker said.

Amanda walked up to the closest building and leaned her back against the wall. She looked up and down the street, expecting danger coming at her from every angle. _My God what had she done? _Suddenly her legs started shaking just as much as her hands and she couldn't stay upright. Her legs buckled and she fell to her knees on the hard surface. It felt as though her entire body was shutting down limb by limb. And that didn't feel too bad. She wanted to die. _If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness._

She didn't even notice the car that stopped by the curb, or the man that got out of it. She was completely numb inside and out as Cassidy got her up off the street and over to the car. Once loaded in the back seat Tucker took off with screeching tires as the sound of an ambulance rang in the distance.

**Liv tried the door again** at the street number Cassidy had texted her but she knew it was pointless as the store was obviously closed for the night. The entire street looked deserted but it wasn't surprising seeing how late it was. She'd just found Brian in her contacts and was about to call him when he popped his head out from a door by the side of the store that she'd completely missed. He cocked his head at her.

"What's going on?" she asked even before she got to him.  
"Things went really wrong tonight," he said and headed inside once she had the door.

Liv was looking at Brian's back and a long stairway leading upwards. Once the door shut behind her it got completely dark with only the light source from above the stair to guide them. She put both her hands against the walls on either side of the stairs to help her out.

"Is Amanda okay?" Liv asked once she'd found the flow of the climb and trusted she wasn't going to trip.  
"Brian?" she said when he didn't answer.

She needed him to reassure her nothing was wrong with Amanda. He just shot a look back over his shoulder though and something told her it was a good thing she couldn't read his face right then.

"What the hell happened," she mumbled more to herself as they finally reached the end of the stairs and Liv found herself in something that looked like a regular office.

Brian took her down passed a cubicle farm with desks so tidy and sterile you wondered if someone even worked there. The place was so quiet Liv could hear the slight buzz the fluorescent lights were making. Further down she saw what looked like conference rooms. Three, maybe even four, with glass walls towards the corridor and Liv spotted Amanda in one of them. She was relieved to see her moving around on her feet but that soon changed as she saw it was more like pacing and one of her shoulders were twitching, her hands as well. Her hands kept coming up in front of her like she was griping something invisible in the air only for her to let go again making her fingers sprawl all over and Liv got a really uneasy feeling in her gut. Amanda did not look well at all. Cassidy held up the glass door for Liv and let her enter before he did. Tucker was in the room as well, sitting down against a conference table but got on his feet as they got company.

"What happened?" Liv asked with her eyes on Tucker as she kept moving further in to the room to get to Amanda. Tucker didn't look pleased to see her, almost as though he hadn't expected her, but there was also something bashful over his appearance. Like he didn't want her there cause he didn't want to face up to something bad he'd done.

"Amanda?" Liv said before she reached the detective.

Her head was slightly folded forward, her hair covering her face so Liv didn't want to startle her in chase she hadn't registered her entering. She didn't look as though she registered much of her surroundings right now.

"Amanda," Liv said again as she made no indication of picking up on Liv's presence.

She grabbed a hold of Amanda's hand as it kept twitching in front of her. She was cold, her skin cold to the touch even though she was in her jacket. Liv used her other hand to brush back some of Amanda's hair to get a better look on her face. She was pale as Liv had expected but the way her eyes moved scared Liv. Her eyelids looked heavy and her eyes underneath foggy, like she wasn't fully present.

"What happened?" Liv asked again turning her head back towards Tucker as she held on to Amanda's hand and the side of her face. Tucker looked as though he was about to answer but Amanda actually beat him to it.

"I killed him," she said with what sounded like gasps.

Liv turned her head and caught herself staring straight in to Amanda's wide open eyes. She soon deflected her eyes though, going back to that close to lethargic state.

"I killed him," she repeated lower, now with a tremble on her lower lip and tears starting to fall from one of her eyes. She suddenly looked, and sounded, like she was about to throw up and Tucker took a step closer gesturing towards the wall.

"Use the bin if she's going to get sick again," he said with an unsympathetic tone and Liv shot him a glare for being so disrespectful when Amanda obviously was in a state of shock. And for good reason it sounded like. Amanda pushed Liv away when she tried to bring her closer to the bin. She swallowed a couple of times and looked as though she managed to hold her nausea down.

"Common let's get you to sit down," Liv urged though, fearing Amanda could collapse at any moment if she stayed on her feet.

Liv heard Tucker grunt behind her back as she led Amanda towards a couch. They were both about to sit down when Amanda's legs suddenly straighten again and she was back on her feet.

"Oh God I killed him," Amanda said twisting out of Liv's grip so she could get back to pacing.

Liv saw Tucker throw his hand in the air like he'd been down this road before.

"Who Amanda? Who did you kill?" Liv tried.  
"Jared Holland. I killed Jared Holland," Amanda stammered.  
"Wait, _our_ Jared Holland? …attempted rape, assault and harassment Holland? In… march?" Liv tried to recall back to the case they'd worked back in the spring.

"She killed Jared Holland?" Liv asked and turned to Tucker.  
"We don't know that for sure," Tucker said and seemed to want to brush it all off like nothing.  
"Amanda please try and calm down," Liv said trying to keep her voice low but then she had to raise it again as she turned to Tucker, "Tell me what the fuck happened Tucker."

"Language?" Tucker reprimanded but could tell it was the wrong time and quickly moved on before Liv could say something that was probably even fouler, "Miller put a bat in her hands and brought Holland in to an alley. She beat the crap out of him."

Liv shot Amanda a baffled look but she was back to pacing and looking very much like she wasn't in a good mental state at all. Liv's anger grew as she feared Tucker had pushed her over the edge, and she also felt remorse for not talking to Amanda as she'd planned earlier today. _Maybe she could've prevented this from happening? _

"Where the hell were you?" Liv shouted at Tucker as she realized he was the one responsible for Amanda out on the field in this particular case.  
"Or you?" Liv shouted turning to Brian briefly but she redirected her anger back at Tucker.

"We didn't think things would escalate this quickly, things just happened too fast…"  
"Too fast? What the hell of an excuse is that? You were her backup, why the hell didn't you back her up?" Liv interrupted Tucker who didn't see kindly on that.

"Hey, it's not like she's such a goody two-shoes either. Did she tell you she took her wire off last night? No? To go smooching with some boyfriend in the alley. The nerve. And don't you think for one moment I don't know about her telling her partner about this operation even though I strictly told everyone in this room to keep it between us."

Liv was baffled for a second. _The nerve? What about his nerve to blame Amanda at a time like this?_

"That's what you bring up at this time? Someone might've died…" Liv held her tongue for a bit looking back at Amanda and then taking a few steps closer to Tucker as she didn't want to intensify the detective's stress even more right now by using loud voices, "…by _her_ hands, which makes it ultimately _your_ hands too," Liv put her finger in Tucker's face, "You want to gossip and tattletale while a person might be dead?"

She lowered her hand to not provoke Tucker more than necessary but she refused to step out of his face. They stared at each other for a while. Liv knew Tucker would've been able to rip her to pieces if she hadn't touched on a truth and she could tell that stung him.

"Do we know he's dead?" Liv finally asked.

Brian shook his head.

"We called an ambulance, they did bring him in so he wasn't DOA," he said, "I'm trying to find out which ER they brought him to but so far nothing, I'll keep trying."

Liv gave him a nod which was all the appreciation she was able to give right now. Brian stepped out in to the hallway getting back on his phone. Liv shot Tucker a glare before she turned to walk back over to Amanda.

"Okay Amanda, let's make another attempt to sit you down okay? All this pacing won't help right now," Liv didn't care Amanda shied away when she tried to grab a hold of her and led her over to the couch holding a tight grip around her.

Liv could feel different body parts twitching, it felt as though Amanda had no control over it.

"I killed him," Amanda whispered as Liv sat her down.  
"We don't know that yet okay, let's not go there yet," Liv tried.

There was a water bottle on the table that Liv assumed had been put there for Amanda so she grabbed it with the intent of trying to get Amanda to drink something.

"I just kept hitting," Amanda mumbled.  
"Have some water okay," Liv tried putting the bottle up to her lips.  
"I hit so hard."

Liv tried stroking Amanda's hair.

"Try not to think about that right now okay, just have some water," she said putting the bottle even closer to Amanda's lips.

Amanda put her hands around the bottle and Liv's hand, the water started splashing even before they reached her lips and Liv did her best to try and level out Amanda's trembles. With some struggle they managed to get maybe a mouthful in her but Liv urged her to keep trying when Amanda seemed to want to quit.

"I killed him," Amanda mumbled just before the bottle shut her up.

She managed to get water in the wrong pipe and started coughing slightly.

"You're okay," Liv said stroking her back.  
"Try some more," Liv urged but Amanda wiped her mouth with the back of her hand shaking her head no.

Liv wanted to push but decided to wait a little and put the bottle down so she could put both hands on Amanda. She kept rubbing her back with one hand while she tried holding on to one of Amanda's hands long enough to rub some warmth back in to it. Liv looked around the room a little but when she couldn't find what she was searching for she turned to Tucker who'd sat back down against the conference table again being totally useless.

"Is there a blanket or something around here? She's so very cold," she asked.

Tucker looked a bit jaded.

"I don't think so, this is just… a front. Empty offices. I don't think we'll find a blanket anywhere around here."

Even his voice sounded jaded but Liv had no pity for him. She stood up abruptly, wishing she'd been more thoughtful as Amanda flinched by the sudden movement. She took her trench coat off and put it around Amanda's shoulders before she sat back down. She collected both of Amanda's hands and tried rubbing them, managing to do it both fondly and efficient. She could feel the tension leaving her hands slightly but she couldn't make them warmer.

Brian suddenly stepped back in and Amanda was immediately on her feet. Even in this state she seemed aware that Brian might be coming with news she needed, or dreaded.

"Tell me he's not dead," she sniveled.

Liv was on her feet to and grabbed a hold around Amanda's shoulder to steady her in case the news was bad.

"He's not…" Briand said and even though he didn't say it everyone knew there was a 'yet' in there.

Liv urged him on by a single look.

"He was brought in listed in critical condition. They worked on him and he's been brought up for x-rays, scans. I found an insider, he'll ring me when he knows more."

Liv noticed Amanda's breathing getting more strained and she coaxed her to sit back down fearing she would start to hyperventilate.

"They will work on him, he'll get better you'll see," Liv tried even though she knew that was a gamble right now. She put her trench coat back around Amanda's shoulders and told her to stay put, have some water and just try and relax. Liv got up and hurried over to Brian wanting to know what he wasn't telling them.

"They are worried about head injuries," Brian said even before she had to ask.

Liv appreciated he kept his voice low so hopefully Amanda wouldn't hear him.

"Serious?" Liv asked.  
"All head injuries are serious," Brian said with a shrug.  
"So he still might die?" Liv said folding her arms in front of her as she was in need of a hug right now.

Brian shrugged again. Liv brought one hand up to mouth. She glanced over her shoulder at Amanda who hadn't moved from her spot on the couch.

"So what happened? Miller was there. Was someone else there?" Liv asked. Tucker shook his head.  
"Just the two of them," Tucker said.  
"Did Miller beat him too?"  
"Sounded like he might've shoved or kicked him," Tucker said now doing the shrugging.  
"So he might've caused Holland's injuries?" Liv tried sounding hopeful.

Tucker and Brian gave each other a doubtful glance.

"Sounded like she did most the hitting," Brian said. Liv shook her head in disbelief.  
"Why didn't you have her back?" Liv said this time pinning her eyes in Brian.

He looked guilt-ridden but kept quiet and then turned to give Tucker a look. Liv turned her attention too. Tucker tried to hide his guilt by frowning when he caught Liv staring.

"I already told you everything went so quickly and before I got down there he was already taking her down the alley and we just lost track of them…"  
"You lost track of them?" Liv burst out. Tucker moaned.  
"You just have to pick and pick don't you…" Tucker grunted but actually shut up as Liv put her palm to his face.  
"Just tell me what happened," Liv said not caring what Tucker thought of her shutting him up.  
"We know what little you already know," Tucker said annoyed, "Does she strike you as someone who gives a cohesive account right now?"

Tucker had gestured Amanda's way and Liv turned only to find Amanda pacing again over by the other side of the room. Her hands were back to moving erratic in front of her, both her shoulder and head twitching now.

"Have you tried?" Liv asked turning back to the men. Again Brian just looked to Tucker.  
"Of course we've tried, what do you take us for, dimwits?" Tucker frowned.

The look Brian gave her though told her a different story.

Suddenly Amanda made an agonizing sound over from her side of the room and when Liv turned she found Amanda sliding down the glass wall with her face against it, her palms making sounds as they slid down with her. Liv hurried over and got down by Amanda's side, grabbing her before her entire body slumped over.

"You're okay," Liv said in an attempt to console her and brought Amanda in to her embrace.

She didn't fear rejection as she hugged Amanda's side to her chest, pushing her head down right underneath her chin so she could hold her just as tight as she wanted. Liv could feel how hard she was breathing and tried telling her to calm down. She couldn't feel sobs in Amanda's body, just a continuous shaking interrupted by some twitching that felt like Amanda wanted to crawl out of her own skin.

"You're okay," Liv repeated as she started rocking her slightly.

It just came naturally and it did seem to have a calming effect on Amanda as her breathing started to come down and the twitching got less and less frequent. Liv could've, actually _wanted_ to sit there as long as possible but Tucker of course had to interrupt as he sneaked up on them placing himself so Amanda could see his reflection in the glass and she immediately pulled away from Liv.

Liv gave Tucker a glare but he just raised his eyebrow at her. She'd been the one questioning them why they hadn't taken Amanda's account so Tucker didn't feel bad about interrupting comforting or whatever it was the ladies were trying to achieve there on the floor. He sat down on top of the table by the couch.

Liv had kept her hands on Amanda and played a little with her hair while her other hand rubbed her arm gently.

"Amanda," Liv said softly, "Do you think you can tell us what happened in the alley?"

Liv tread carefully, she wasn't sure it was a good thing at all to push Amanda right now. Amanda took a deep breath to try and relax but her face frowned the moment she tried to think back to the alley.

"It's okay, take your time," Liv said.

Amanda tried another deep breath and then brushed her hands over her face to get rid of whatever traces of weakness that might've lingered there. By doing so she made Liv's hands fall off her and Liv felt sad losing the connection, and perhaps also that Amanda didn't seem to mind at all. Amanda turned on the floor so she could lean back against the glass. Liv rearranged herself slightly to sit a little better as well but she stayed as close to Amanda as possible.

"Where do you want me to start?" Amanda asked peeking up from underneath her bangs, eyes darting from Liv to Tucker but mostly lingering on Tucker.  
"I don't know how you even ended up in the alley so perhaps right before you got there?" Liv asked. Amanda nodded, swallowing hard as she tried to collect her thoughts.

"Miller asked if I wanted to go somewhere with him," she started.  
"For a walk he said," she hurried to add hoping they didn't make assumptions.

She realized Tucker had listened in though, surely he knew it had been nothing like that.

"We got to the alley and he…" Amanda's throat closed up and she fought a sob trying to escape.

Liv reached out and put a soft hand on her arm as she could tell she was struggling.

"Take your time," Liv repeated.

Amanda didn't seem to want to do that though. Liv figured she just wanted to get it over with.

"He told me to keep my eyes open on this coffee bar across the street, someone would show up. There was a car. A man stepped out. He asked if I recognized him and I did. It was Jared Holland," Amanda shot Liv a quick glance before she went back to staring at the floor in front of her.

"Miller gave me a hood, like a mask… oh he'd collected a plastic bag from a container when we got there, I forgot to mention that. So that's where he got the hood and the gloves from, and the bat…" Amanda clinched her teeth for a moment before she went on, "He told me to put them on. The hood and the gloves. He did too but left his hood like as a hat. He handed me the bat when I'd put my gloves on. He told me he would lure Holland in to the alley…"

Amanda went quiet and stayed that way for a while. Liv could see how Amanda was clinching her fists over and over again. Liv had time to give Tucker a worried look, he kept his eyes on Amanda though.

"I can't remember what he said to get Holland to stick around. I can't remember…"

Amanda's eyes looked fearful as she glanced up at Liv.

"That's okay," Liv reassured her, "But Miller talked to Holland? He got him in to the alley?"

Amanda nodded and swallowed hard again before she started talking.

"Miller talked to Holland and then as Holland was turned away from him he kicked him inside the alley. He fell on the ground. Spilled his coffee. Miller kicked him again. I think Holland tried to crawl away but Miller kept him down, kicked his feet away and then he was on his side. Miller called him a rapist but Holland said those women lied, that he didn't _need_ to rape."

Amanda took a break and just breathed for her while. Liv could tell on her eyes she was lost in a memory back in that alley. She placed a careful hand on Amanda's leg to bring her back. Amanda flinched slightly and glanced up at Liv. It hurt Liv to see just how drained Amanda was. _When would things start going her way? _

"Miller told me to come over, or maybe he just waved me over but I knew he wanted me to come and when Holland saw me he said to me that he didn't rape me…" Amanda shook her head slightly.

"He thought you were one of his victims?" Liv questioned.  
"He dropped some names back there," Tucker suddenly cut in, "Those were his victims right? He _is_ a rapist."

"It was just first names," Amanda said looking at Liv, "I recognized two of them but two I didn't…" she looked back down as she continued, "He pleaded again, said he didn't rape me but then when Miller kicked him in the back Holland seemed to… snap or something. He got angry. Called me a slut. Said I wanted it. Miller put his boot on his head to keep him down. And Miller asked if I was going to let him talk to me like that. Said this was my chance for payback. I let the bat drop. Down on Holland but not hard or anything. _Pathetic slut_. I hit him harder. _You deserved it_. I hit him over the arm, I felt a bone break. _You bitch_. I hit his ribs. _Bitch_. I hit his head. There was blood and I just kept swinging the bat down over him over and over again."

Liv rubbed her hand a little over her leg to get her to calm down, she'd started rambling rapidly.

"He wasn't moving," Amanda said with tears in her voice as she looked up at Liv.  
"He's not dead Amanda, we know how good doctors are these days. Let's not go there yet," Liv tried.

"What did you do with the bat?" Tucker said and Liv would've shot him a glare if it wasn't for the fact she still was holding on to Amanda's eyes. Amanda took a deep breath and tried to think.

"I dunno," she whispered. She swallowed hard.  
"I think… I dunno."

Amanda looked a little distraught.

"Just calm down," Liv said calmly, "When did you notice Holland wasn't moving?"  
"Miller stepped over him, he grabbed the bat above my head. He pushed me back. Made me stop. _He_ took the bat."  
"Okay and then what happened?" Liv asked just as calmly.  
"He grabbed a hold of my arm, dragged me further in and we finally came out on the other side."  
"Were you still wearing your hood and gloves?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"Okay so go back a little. What happened before you left the alley?"

Amanda took a few deep breaths.

"Okay, so he moved me forward but then he let go of me at some point. It was still dark, we were still in the alley. When he came back he pulled the hood off me."  
"Was he wearing a hood?" Liv asked. Amanda thought about it but then shook her head.  
"And not the gloves either," Amanda said quickly, "he brushed back my hair and it was his hands, no gloves on."  
"You saw both hands?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded.  
"He wasn't holding on to the bat?"

Amanda shook her head.

"He left it in the alley?" Tucker asked a bit surprised.  
"He must've found a place to hide it, surely he'd know the cops would search the entire alley," Liv said.  
"He left his hood, gloves and bat behind?" Tucker said summing up what he thought was the truth.  
"No he had his hood and gloves with him, he put them down in the plastic bag along with my gear. He had the bag when he left me."  
"When did he leave you?"  
"A few blocks down, he said it was better if we split up," Amanda let her know.  
"So he has your stuff with Holland's blood on them. That's great," Tucker grunted.

This time Liv _did_ shot him a glare. When Liv turned her attention back to Amanda she caught her looking at Tucker with shameful eyes.

"Hey," Liv said carefully, rubbing her leg, "It's not all on you. Someone should've had your back."  
"She swung the bat," Tucker snapped getting up on his feet.  
"And _you_ should've interrupted that, or even prevented it," Liv said between clinched teeth doing her best to not raise her voice.  
"She could've given us a heads up she was going to beat the living shit out of that creep," Tucker spat out and now Liv couldn't keep her cool any longer.  
"Exactly when?" she said raising her voice, "With Miller right there? You should've had eyes on her."  
"She's the one sneaking out in to alleys with boys disconnecting her wire-"  
"Not tonight," Liv said getting up on her feet, "Tonight _you_ failed _her_. You put her in danger Tucker, as her commanding chief tonight you failed her. If that had been me, if I let her go through something like that I would be kissing her feet right now…"

Liv wished she wasn't feeling so unsteady on her feet right now, they'd fell asleep sitting on the floor. She would've wanted to take a step closer to him to really get in his face but she just couldn't risk looking weak in front of him right now.

"I'm not kissing her feet…" Tucker mumbled like some defiant little boy.

Fact was Tucker _was_ feeling like a shamefaced little boy right now. He'd missed Amanda mumbling 'a bat' in the alley earlier tonight, or at least he hadn't figured out that was what she was saying until it was too late. He hadn't been sure exactly what he'd heard in the alley once the beating with the bat started but when realized he actually froze. Tucker never froze. Once he got the car in gear Miller had already interrupted Amanda and Cassidy had already asked several times if he were to interfere. Tucker knew deep down he'd botched this but he would never own up to that.

Liv had just watched him for a while. She wasn't sure where she had him at this point. He looked angry but he kept quiet which was unusual and Liv wasn't sure how to handle that.

"So can you arrest him now? Can we end this?" Liv finally asked.  
"What? No way," Tucker sobered up quickly, "I told you we want whoever he might be working for-"  
"You can't honestly believe it's a good idea to send her back in," Liv said gesturing back towards Amanda who'd hid her face in her hands now.  
"And ruin all this time and effort I've put in-"  
"_You_? She," Liv lowered her voice, "might've killed someone tonight under your watch. You can't make that go away."  
"Let's not jump the gun here Sergeant, we don't know he's dead for sure," Tucker said without lowering his voice, "The four of us in this room right now are the only ones who know what she did-"  
"And Miller," Liv pointed out.  
"_And_ Miller but tattling would incriminate him so I don't hold that as likely."  
"_Likely_ isn't good enough."  
"Well it just has to be, she's going back in. She got Miller's trust tonight and she better keep it up or this investigation will be a big fail and I don't fail."  
"You already have failed lieutenant," Liv said throwing a glance over her shoulder and made Tucker look at Amanda crumbled on the floor looking like remains of what once was a person.  
"She's bounced back from worse in the past," Tucker mumbled, "she'll be fine I'm sure."

Liv just shook her head. Tucker seemed totally oblivious to empathy.

"You can't seriously expect her to just jump back in there like nothing's happened," Liv said lowering her voice and stepping closer to Tucker in another attempt to keep her anxiety away from Amanda.

"She can have tomorrow off, I'm fine with that," Tucker said and actually seemed amused by the face Liv gave him.

She was about to say something when a phone rang and they all got aware that Cassidy was still in the room as he answered his phone. He threw Liv a quick look once he'd checked who called but then walked off a bit as he listened to the caller. Tucker and Liv kept their eyes on him, waiting eagerly for any news about Holland. Liv took a step away from Tucker, in need of distance from him, and threw Amanda a quick glance. She was still beat down, now with her arms resting on top of her head. Liv sighed, _this was such a mess_, but then turned her head back towards Cassidy.

Cassidy hummed a few 'aha', hung up and then turned back towards them.

"He's still alive but unconscious, they've done x-rays and scans but there might be a while yet before we get word of his condition," Cassidy said and ended it with a shrug.

Tucker held in his disappointment but Liv sighed loudly. She shot Tucker a glare and then walked back over to Amanda. She had a seat next to her, took a similar position and then put her arm over Amanda's shoulders, making her fold slightly against her. Liv wasn't sure what to say but just hoped her presence would be a bit calming.

It would take two hours before they heard back from the hospital again. Two hours of Liv and Amanda spending time on the floor while Tucker baring his restlessness by pacing the room most of the time. Cassidy did a coffee and bagel run but Liv couldn't get Amanda to either eat or drink right now.

By the time Cassidy's phone rang again they were all pretty exhausted. Liv could feel Amanda's body drifting off to sleep ever so often only to jolt back to life again. Liv had stopped trying to get her to lie down on the couch, Amanda didn't want to move from her spot on the floor so neither did Liv.

Liv felt relief just seeing Cassidy's face as he got some news from the caller, the news couldn't be anything but positive. But looking over at Amanda it turned to that same relief she'd felt when they found her down in that bunker. The happiness that came with finding her alive but then quickly disgruntled by the obvious scars left on her that it was far from over. She could tell just looking at Amanda's being that this had most likely left her with another set of permanent scars.

Holland was alive, even conscious. The x-ray showed no serious brain injury. He had multiple broken bones but no one put too much thought in to that. Even Tucker seemed relieved over the news. The only one who didn't react much was Amanda and Liv continued to worry about what impact this ordeal had caused her.

As soon as they knew Holland was at least alive she told Tucker she was going to take Amanda home and that they would have to sit down in a day or two and talk about whether or not this UC operation could continue. Tucker immediately toughen up and let her know there was no way she would mess about with _his_ investigation and how dare she even suggest it. Liv just waved him off which made him even more furious but he piped down as he watched Liv having to help Amanda get back up on her feet.

Amanda was white as a sheet and didn't do anything to try and hide how frail she really was as Liv led her out of there with an arm around her back. Brian put a soft hand on Liv's shoulder as the two women passed him. Liv shot him a faint smile and a thank you as he was holding up the door for them.

Amanda had been quiet for hours now and she stayed quiet in the car. She was slouched back in her seat, head resting so she could watch the scenery passing by her window. Liv may have thought she'd fallen asleep if it wasn't for her constant picking with one hand. Over and over again she dragged her nails down over her leg or picked at the fabric nervously.

"You know-" Liv started as they were stopped by a red light but she piped down as Amanda almost jumped out of her seat.  
"I'm sorry," Liv said quickly and reached out to put her hand on Amanda's arm.

For the first time in a long while Amanda showed some of her old features, getting embarrassed over her reaction and trying to shake it off as nothing.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Liv said.  
"You didn't," Amanda said and Liv had to smile at the normalcy of that answer.

The light turned and Liv had to focus back at the traffic for a while as they passed the intersection.

"What I was going to say is that you don't have to go back under, you don't have to work for Tucker if you don't feel like it," Liv said once they were back on the road. She could feel Amanda's eyes on her and glanced over.

"Tucker can't force you if you don't want to," Liv pushed as Amanda stayed quiet.

Liv slowed down as a group of people crossed the street. They all looked a little rowdy so she figured it was best to keep her distance.

"And let it be all for nothing?" Amanda suddenly said.  
"What?" Liv had to ask. She glanced Amanda's way as they passed the small crowd.  
"If I quit now me almost beating a man to death would be for nothing. I can't see that being satisfactory either," Amanda said quietly.

Liv studied her for a bit and then thought her words over as she watched the traffic for a while.

"Take a day to think about it. I'll back you up whatever you decide on," Liv let her know once she'd settled her thoughts, "Why don't you take tomorrow off?"

Liv glanced her way when she didn't get an answer.

"Why don't you take the day off Amanda," she repeated, "…go see doctor Olivet."

She couldn't see any reaction on Amanda's face, she just kept gazing forward.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you when I called you in to my office before you left," Liv made another attempt to gain her attention, "About doctor Olivet. She came in to the station earlier. She said you missed some sessions…"

"Amanda," Liv finally had to say. She'd raised her voice a bit and Amanda winced slightly.  
"Did you hear me? Doctor Olivet came in to the station, she said you'd missed a few sessions."  
"Yeah," she whispered vaguely.  
"So maybe take the day off tomorrow? Go see her."  
"She's probably booked already."  
"Maybe, maybe not. I think it's important you go see her Amanda. It's worth a shot," Liv encouraged.

The car fell silent but Liv couldn't stay quiet for long.

"Just so you know I expressed some concern over you to her. I mentioned Lucas and the fact he abducted you, seemed like that was news to her."

Liv watched to see if that bothered Amanda but she didn't move a muscle.

"I can only hope you'll bring up what happened tonight next time you talk to her cause I think it's really important you talk to someone about this. I can't stress that enough. You have to talk about this Amanda."

They were getting closer to her building and Liv started to feel stressed that she wouldn't be able to reach Amanda before they got there.

"I hope you know my door is always open," Liv said, "At the office but also at home. Whatever and whenever you feel like it you can just stop by. I'm mostly at home but if I'm not just give me a call and we can meet up."

She kept glancing over Amanda's way but she couldn't tell if she listened or not. They had arrived at the building and Liv drove up to the curb right outside the gate.

"I'll walk up with you," Liv said as Amanda started to climb out of her car the moment they had stopped.

Liv grabbed for her door and missed Amanda's deep sigh. They made their way up in silence. Amanda kept to her side of the elevator and Liv tried not to crowd her.

While they had waited for word on Holland's condition Liv had heard Amanda's phone buzz and finally just went looking for it in her pockets. She could see Fin's name in the window and used her own phone to send him a text. She tried to keep it short but informative. Let him know she was with Amanda and she would drive her home once they were done there. She had expected him to text back but he'd stayed silent.

Amanda had dug her keys up but she only had time to stick them in the door before Fin was there to open up the door. Amanda seemed a little annoyed but was too tired to say anything and just pushed her way inside mumbling a 'thanks for the ride' at Liv.

"What happened?" Fin asked. It was directed to Amanda but as he saw her back walk away he turned to Liv.  
"Can I come inside?" she asked. Fin immediately stepped out of the way and gestured her inside.

Liv saw Amanda's back disappear down the hallway.

"What happened?" Fin asked again.

He had no patience right now. He'd figured out from the fact Liv had texted him that something had gone down tonight.

"I guess Miller put her to the test, or perhaps initiated her, and it got a little… out of control."  
"Out of control how? Initiated? How?" Fin was full of questions.

"Do you remember Jared Holland from earlier this year?" Liv asked. Fin looked a little clueless though, to his defense he'd been worried most of the night and his head were still filled with scary images of what could've happened to Amanda.

"Attempted rape on a young woman he'd dated previously. In Tribeca. We found at least one former girlfriend he'd raped. Harassed a third one."  
"Yeah, slug bastard right. Sketchy eyes," Fin said. Liv nodded.  
"What about him?"  
"He's out of jail already and Miller tracked him down. He put a bat in her hands and she went… she beat him badly Fin."  
"How badly?" Fin asked once he was able to talk again.  
"Really bad, they thought he was dead."  
"They?"  
"Amanda, Tucker and Cassidy."  
"Wait, how could it go that far? Where was Tucker? And Brian?"  
"I don't know what to tell you Fin, I tried to confront Tucker but he kept blaming her."  
"Blames her?" Fin close to shouted.  
"Hey," Liv said stepping closer so she could put a hand on his arm, "Don't waste your energy on that scum. I have a feeling he knows he did her wrong tonight, that's why his bite was extra hard."

Fin tried taking a deep breath to calm down.

"But so she didn't beat him to death?"

Liv shook her head and it seemed to make him able to relax even more.

"But I think she snapped Fin," Liv said seriously, "I think we have a problem here. Tucker should've stepped in, that's not even a question, he should've had her back but Holland triggered something. She lost control and I'm really worried about her."

Fin just held Liv's eyes for a while. He wasn't sure what to say, he was worried too but he feared he would be betraying Amanda if he let Liv know.

"Doctor Olivet stopped by the station earlier today," Liv said holding his eyes, "Did you know she's missed sessions with her?"

Fin tried to not move a muscle but Liv kept staring at him and this information bothered him. He broke under the pressure.

"She told me she went… Friday? Yeah she told me Friday," Fin said rubbing his scalp. _He should've made sure. He should've kept driving her. Insisting on it_.  
"Has she missed many?" Fin asked Liv.  
"Elizabeth said _a few_, I'm not sure how many that is," Liv said with a shrug.

Liv kept looking at Fin as he rubbed his face. He looked really upset and she wasn't sure she should tell him what else Olivet had told her. It was a tough choice keeping it from him but she also knew she would betray both Olivet's and Amanda's trust if she spilled.

"Oh yeah, Tucker knows somehow that you know about her gig," Liv said as that dawned on her.  
"How could he know?"  
"I don't know Fin, but he knows and he's pissed about it."  
"Well I don't care about that turd. How the hell could he leave her with a bat and a rapist Liv?" Fin shook his head in disbelief.  
"I don't know the answer to that either Fin. I feel partly responsible though, I knew from the get-go this wasn't a good idea but I still let him talk me in to it."  
"Don't go there Liv, we both know she messed up. Not just a little bit but a whole lot," Fin said with a deep sigh, "I saw it coming though and I didn't do anything to… if anyone's to blame I am that one."

"Fin…" Liv tried but Fin raised his hand.  
"You don't know Liv," he said trying to not sound too harsh, "I let her get away with things. She trusts me to be the one to call her on her bullshit but I let things slip and see where it has gotten us."

Liv wasn't sure what to say. The things she'd seen and knew about was bad about, hearing there could be worse things going on didn't sit well with her. Not only did she feel like the worst boss right now but she also questioned if she'd lost all detective skills. Being in need of one herself she stepped up to him and hugged him. She could feel his reluctance to hug right now but then he warmed up to it and she was able to really enjoy it.

**Fin wasn't happy to hear **Tucker wanted Amanda back on the job with just a single night's rest. Liv let him know what Amanda had said about it all being for nothing if she gave up now. Before she left she also let him know she'd given Amanda the following day off but she would appreciate if he could come in, they were already running thin at the station. He told her he would be there and then told her to drive safely home before he closed the door behind her.

He was in need of a glass of water and when he was done he filled it up again to bring with him as he went looking for her. The door to her room was open and he spotted her curled up on her bed. She was still fully dressed and with her back against the door so he walked around the bed to get in front of her.

"Hey," he whispered as he caught her with her eyes open. She rearranged her hands underneath her head though and tried to make herself comfortable as though she wanted to sleep, closing her eyes. He put the glass down on the bed stand next to her and got down on his knees in front of her. He put his large hand on top of her head and dug his fingers down in her hair.

"How you holding up?" he asked. She answered him by frowning but then popped her eyes back up.  
"Don't beat yourself up too much Amanda," he whispered seeing how she was close to tears.  
"I just want to go to sleep," she whispered and closed her eyes again.  
"Will you be able to? Can I help you out in some way?" he asked caressing her hair.  
"Like help me to sleep by hitting me over the head with a bat?" she asked opening her eyes back up.  
"Funny," he said dryly.  
"Not really," she answered just as dryly.

Her eyes rested somewhere between them, he was watching her though.

"If it's of any consolation I don't know what I would do if I had a bat and was faced with a rapist in a dark alley," he said in an attempt to cheer her up.

Her eyes darted up to meet his but her features didn't change. It looked as though she took no consolation in knowing that.

"I just want to sleep Fin," she finally whispered.  
"Okay," he said stroking her cheek, "let's get you out of that jacket though, you'll be able to rest more comfortable."

She didn't object, just sat up slightly and let him help her get the jacket off. He moved down to the end of the bed and she stayed seated while he pulled her boots off.

"Want me to lay down with you for a bit?" he asked.

She looked like she was in need of company right now. She shook her head though.

"Want the cover?" he asked but she shook her head again as she laid back down. She tucked her hands underneath her head again as she curled back up on her side. He put his hand on her leg and rubbed it for a few seconds.

"I'll be right down the hall if you need anything," he let her know, "I'll leave the door open okay?"

He didn't get an answer and figured he much rather take that than a negative response.

"I hope you'll be able to get some sleep, try not to think about tonight too much," he said and then let her be. He left the door wide open and lingered there for a while just watching her. He couldn't get the scary feeling out of his head that this UC operation was digging a hole for them too deep to get out of if it didn't end soon.

He went to bed soon thereafter and he fell asleep quicker than expected. He slept too heavy to hear the shower get turned on and he slept through the low static of the TV a while later. That same static finally lulled Amanda to sleep on the couch hours later.

**Liv knew she was running** late the morning after but she was in dire need of that extra cup of coffee. And that Eli had come over and stayed the night might have factored in too. She wouldn't have mind staying put having a second serving of those egg benedicts of his. He did the best egg benedicts but it was only one of many things he did best.

She found Nick and Keith already at their desks as she walked in. She said good morning while glancing over on the other set of desks that still stood empty.

"You're going to have to work without Rollins today," Liv said. Keith nodded but Nick frowned.  
"What?" Liv asked him.  
"Seems like it's happening quite a lot lately," Nick grunted.

Liv just shot him a glare and walked in to her office. She didn't know how to respond to that and honestly she didn't think it deserved a response. He'd managed to annoy her though and it took a while to get rid of that feeling. Just as she was settling down she looked up from her computer to spot Fin walking in. When she noticed who walked in right behind him though she immediately stood up and walked out in to the squad room.

"Amanda…" she said looking from her over to Fin. Fin shook his head at her.  
"I thought you were staying home," she said trying to keep her voice low as she could see they had several sets of eyes on them.

"I tried…" Fin said hanging his jacket on his chair while Amanda went over to hang hers by the wall. Amanda refused to even look at Liv and just sat down by her desk. Liv realized Fin had probably already tried his best to get Amanda to stay home, they both looked very tired. Liv stepped around their desks instead so she could put her back mostly towards Nick as she could tell they had his ear.

"I talked to Cassidy this morning," she let Amanda know and finally she looked up.  
"Holland is awake and lucid," Liv could tell how relieved Amanda became, "He's refusing to talk to the police though. He says it was an accident."  
"Really?" Fin was a bit surprised.  
"Police didn't find anything in the alley. Wherever… _he_ hid the… _item,_ he hid it well enough."

Liv was about to turn back in to her office but stopped and turned back.

"You can work today," she let Amanda know, "but only if you promise me you'll call doctor Olivet and make an appointment."  
"Do we have a deal?" she had to ask when all Amanda did was clinch her teeth. Amanda looked less than thrilled but finally nodded.

"And I'm going to check up on you just so you know," Liv said before she walked back to her office. Fin met Amanda's eyes over the desk. She looked pissed but he could take that, he was glad Liv was on her back about going to see Olivet. He hadn't had time to talk to her about it. He'd been busy trying to get her to stay home this morning but she'd refused, completely ignored him at times which would've made him furious if it wasn't for the fact it was too early to get that worked up.

**Nick would later make** some snippy remark about her being present even though their boss had just told them she would be absent and that there seemed to be a lot of miscommunication in play lately. Amanda let the comment rinse off her though and they got working. Fin was a little surprised she was able to function so well after what had gone down last night.

Whenever they had some downtime though he could see stress sneaking up on her. Her fingers started fidgeting, she tapped her boot and she also had this new tic with her shoulder twitching. He tried to keep her distracted with talking about basketball or some of their weird TV pleasures but when the subject wasn't about work she had real struggles keeping up.

Of course she had tried to get out of calling Olivet, blamed work but right after lunch he cornered her as they were waiting for the lab to get back to them with some test results. He made sure he had her in range and listen to her leave a message on a voicemail.

"Satisfied," she frowned as she had caught him eavesdropping.

He wasn't though and quizzed her to make sure she really had left a message for Olivet. Just as they left the lab Amanda's phone rang and Fin was able to spot Olivet's name in the window before she could hide it from him. He used his eyes to urge her to pick up and she did after just a slight hesitation.

He listened in to every sparse word Amanda gave Olivet, he figured the doctor did most of the talking. Even though she didn't say much Fin could tell Amanda tried to wriggle her way out of something and she moaned loudly after she'd hung up. Fin took that as a positive sign and got it confirmed as he learnt Olivet was going to stay late at the office to fit her in today already. Fin looking so smug about it didn't do anything to improve her current mood.

**By five thirty though**, as they started heading out, she was less prickly and leaned more towards her silent nervous state. For an hour he'd tried to get her moving but she insisted on finishing up the paper work that she'd slacked with recently. He knew there was some truth in there but also that she used it to try and wriggle out of seeing Olivet. If she pushed it too late Olivet may have left her office.

Amanda was pleased to have at least beat Nick in the office, he'd left a few minutes ago. Keith had said bye well before that. Liv was still in her office though and when Fin took a detour to say night to her Amanda felt obliged to follow.

"Have you put in a call to Olivet?" Liv asked before they could leave her office.  
"We're heading there now," Fin let Liv know in Amanda's place.  
"Good. Great," Liv said, immediately looking brighter.  
"You know what, I'll walk you out," Liv said and tossed her pen down on the desk.

Fin caught the look on Amanda's face as Liv shut down her computer. He knew she had even more trouble controlling her facial impressions when she was nervous or angry. He stuck around while Amanda started to wander a little ahead of them. Fin could tell Liv shot Amanda's back worried looks as she turned off the light in her office. Fin was already holding on to the door and closed it behind them.

"A little on edge," Fin gave her a low warning and Liv shot him a kind smile.  
"Oh I hope Eli got dinner ready when I get home, I'm starving," Liv said as they walked through the squad room.  
"He moved in yet?" Fin asked as both of them gave the desk officer a nod goodbye.

Amanda was already down by the elevators pressing the button as soon as she saw them coming around the corner.

"No, this works for us. You know he has his son every other weekend and sometimes during the weeks. He has his room there and everything."  
"How old is the son now again?"  
"Teenager," Liv said with a big grin on her face.  
"Oh oh," Fin said but smiled.  
"No he's really good actually," Liv said.

They had reached Amanda now and she kept pressing the button as the elevator seemed delayed elsewhere.

"Really sweet kid."  
"So no evil stepmother?"  
"I hope not," Liv laughed, "No we're good."  
"So how about moving in to his?" Fin suggested.  
"And leave my location?" Liv said with played shock.

Amanda seemed very relieved the elevator finally showed up.

"We're fine as it is, with our colliding shifts is kind of nice to not have to disturb one another coming in at odd hours of the night."  
"Oh I think you'd be able to work around that, Eli seems too good to not keep around as much as possible," Fin said leaning against the elevator wall.  
"That's true," Liv said hugging her files a little closer to her chest.

"So it's been a while since we've seen you out or over at ours for dinner," Liv said having focused her attention on Amanda for a few seconds.  
"Maybe we should set something up?" Liv suggested. Fin nodded.  
"I think Nick would like to join and Keith can always bring his most current girlfriend if he feels like it," Liv chuckled.  
"As long as it's not another sword-swallower, _that_ I don't want to see around the dinner table ever again," Fin said shivering. Liv laughed. All Amanda was able to do was smile slightly.

"But let's set it up," Liv said and reached out to touch Amanda's arm.  
"Maybe this weekend?" she suggested.  
"I dunno if I have to… work," Amanda said quietly though and put a lid on the casual atmosphere.

"Well if that's the case," Liv said once she'd managed to collect herself, "then let's just set it up for a little earlier, maybe lunch, and let's just make it us four. No questions would be asked."  
"Sounds good," Fin said.

They'd reached the ground floor though and Amanda ducked out before she gave a definite answer. Liv and Fin exchanged a look before they left the elevator.

"Let's plan for it," Fin said before they reached the entrance.

Amanda was waiting for them with the door open but she had this rushed presence displayed all over her being. Liv wished there was something she could do to calm her down but she feared any attempt she made might set Amanda in to an even worse state so she just let her be and wished them a good night as she took off to where she'd parked her car earlier that day.

Fin took the fastest route to Olivet's office. He was a little worried Olivet would've taken off already and he insisted on going upstairs with Amanda just to make sure she got in alright. It irritated Amanda and she complained it would only delay her further to try and find a parking space, and Olivet would've called her if she was so anxious to see her. Fin was grateful he found a spot just down the street from Olivet's and picked up his usual slack pace just to keep up with Amanda.

He ignored her shaking her head at him several times before they even reached the elevators. He started to worry during the ride up that he was setting Olivet up for a rough session which hadn't been his purpose at all. He tried talking about their dinner options but she just shrugged at every suggestion he made. He had to come up with something fast that could make her in a better mood.

"So I was thinking," he said, "tomorrow if we get a chance we could drop by my friend's station see if maybe he could give us something on Sierra in case we ask nicely."

"Yeah?" she said and immediately looked as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulder.

"He might not be able to give us something but I'm sure he can tell us who to talk to just to get something," Fin said not wanting to get her hopes up too much but still not shoot her down instantly.

She nodded like she got it though. They had reached Olivet's floor it seemed but Amanda had drifted off in her thoughts slightly. He stepped out ahead of her and touched her shoulder fondly as she finally passed him. He'd needed her help to find his way through these corridors, it had been quite a while since he was here last. He got a small hint they were closing in on the doctor's office as he caught Amanda pulling at her sleeves. He did recognize Olivet's door and the shiny letters on it and he followed her inside. He recognized the waiting area as well and spotted that the door to the doctor's office was opened. Amanda seemed a little reluctant on what to do next but would get help as Olivet popped her head out through the open door.

"Well hi there, and you brought company," Olivet smiled.

Amanda felt like a kid escorted to her first day at school, not that she'd ever experienced that before but she figured this was how it actually felt if she had been. It was awkward and made her feel inferior somehow.

"Detective Odafin Tutuola, it's been a while," the doctor smiled stepping out towards them.

She had already figured this wasn't a reunion that would grant her a hug but he did seem genuinely happy to see her.

"Hi doc," Fin smiled.  
"And Amanda," Olivet said and smiled Amanda's way.  
"We would've been here… work and… parking," Amanda knew she was rambling but couldn't stop herself.  
"Don't worry about it, I should thank you really, made me able to catch up on paper work. Well I'm sure you guys know what that's like," Olivet said raising her hand towards the two of them.

"Oh we do, I try and hand mine off to her all the time but I don't always get away with it," Fin said and made Olivet chuckle.

Amanda was still trying to get rid of the awkward feeling but Fin joking helped a little.

"So you want to get started," Olivet finally asked.  
"I saw a vending machine out there, just gonna grab a snack and then I'll be out here," he told Amanda who'd glanced his way.

She gave him a faint nod and then he watched her slip by Olivet keeping some distance from her. Fin wanted to wish the doctor good luck but he didn't know what the protocol was for therapy sessions. He was a little surprised though to catch the doctor with an almost mischievous smile all over her face, she looked really excited to get in there and Fin couldn't help but smile at her. Olivet's eyes sparkled at him before she shut the door between them. Fin chuckled as he walked out, he figured he should've maybe wished Amanda good luck and not the doctor.

"So it's been a while," Olivet said as she walked over to her desk to grab her notepad.

Amanda sat down, keeping her jacket on. She nodded, not really reflecting on the fact the doctor had her back towards her, while looking around the room that now seemed unfamiliar for some reason. Olivet glanced back and noticed Amanda's eyes going around the room all while pulling slightly at her sleeves. Before joining Amanda Olivet stopped by her small fridge and grabbed a bottle of water for her. She placed it on the table in front of Amanda with a smile. Amanda managed to smile faintly but the hidden message with the bottle didn't go unnoticed to her and it made her slightly nervous, the doctor expected her to talk during this session.

"So I take it you know about my visit to your squad room," Olivet said as she sat down. Amanda nodded.  
"I hope you don't feel that I breached some confidence by doing so, I got a bit desperate in my attempts to reach you," Olivet tried to explain. Amanda shook her head.  
"I had just been busy," she mumbled and had to clear her throat to get any sound out.

She reached for the bottle and had some after she managed to get the cap off. She made sure her hands was covered by her sleeve again once she'd put the bottle back on the table.

"I get that," Olivet said even though she saw through it.  
"I did talk to Olivia while I was there, you know that too right," Olivet said and waited for a nod, "I believe Olivia told you some of the things we talked about, or that she informed me off."

Amanda kept her head down but nodded.

"So you were the police officer I heard the rumors about. Lucas really abducted you."  
"It sounds worse than it was," Amanda tried with a shrug.  
"I think that must've been really scary," Olivet said though.  
"I was just in the trunk the whole time so compared to getting tortured in a bunker… not so bad," Amanda said with a crooked smile.

Olivet studied her until she started squirming slightly. Even with her eyes down Amanda knew the doctor was watching her and she didn't like it.

"Amanda I know how you feel about dark, sealed quarters. I would think being locked in a trunk must've been a terror for you," Olivet said cautiously, "not knowing what could, or _would_, happen to you. Alone with your thoughts and remembering what Simon did to you and…"  
"It wasn't fun," Amanda interrupted her, "I'll admit that but… I'm okay."

Her voice was frail but she really hoped she could fool the doctor. She just didn't want to talk about this right now. She just wanted to be home, curled up on her bed, trying to pretend nothing of this had ever happened. _Nothing good came out of talking about it._ It just got too big and horrific in her head and she couldn't handle that.

"Really, I am," she said glancing up at the doctor as she could still feel her eyes on her. She could see Olivet's pen going over the notepad as she turned her eyes back down. She thought she could hear the sound her pen made against the paper. _Raspy. Scratchy. It reminded her of something else but she couldn't figure out just what. _

"Is it possible Amanda that you're trying to tell yourself that you're okay when in fact you don't really feel that way?"

Amanda wanted to pretend as she didn't understand the question, that would give her an easy way to dodge it but her attempts to look uncomprehending failed and she ended up just squirming even more on the couch.

"I'm holding it together…" she said before she was able to think about what she was saying, "I mean I _am_ okay, it was stressful but I'm fine… now."  
"You're holding it together you say," Olivet said, _obviously that's what she paid most attention to_, "What if you wouldn't do that?"  
"What do you mean?" Amanda spat out a little too quickly and a little too furiously then she wanted it to come out.  
"Have you tried talking to anyone about it?"

Amanda glanced up at the doctor. _Why did she have to look so damn considerate?_

"Have you talked to Fin maybe?"  
"I don't need to talk about it," Amanda said quietly.  
"So what do you do with it?"  
"Do with what?"  
"The fear. The anguish maybe. The sadness."

Amanda shook her head and glanced sideways towards the door. _Damn why did Fin have to be out there_.

"I don't… feel that," Amanda said but wasn't sure where she was going with it.  
"How do you feel then?"  
"I don't…" she'd planned to say she didn't feel anything but she knew how insincere, and perhaps weird, that would sound and bit her lip instead.  
"Talk to me Amanda," Olivet said not wanting her patient to shut down.  
"Okay yeah I may have been just a little scared for like… a bit but it turned out okay. I'm fine. They found me. In time… _this_ time."  
"What else did you feel?"

Amanda shook her head. _Why was she pushing this?_

"I didn't feel anything," Amanda said sounding whinier than she wanted to.  
"You got sent threatening messages, your home was attacked. You were abducted by someone who reminded you of a really vicious man that put you through an incomprehensible brutal ordeal just two years ago. You were put in a dark trunk for hours and driven somewhere, to an undisclosed place that I can only imagine you pictured looking just like that bunker two years ago. Thinking of that bunker and what happened down there…" Olivet took a slight pause but then said, "You have to have felt something Amanda."

Amanda squirmed, feeling the pressure Olivet put on her.

"Amanda can you look at me," Olivet begged.

It took a while but then Amanda managed to lift her head slightly, she did her best to keep her eyes at least somewhere around Olivet's. She had trouble holding her considerate gaze though.

"Trapped in that dark trunk, anticipating the worst, how did that make you feel?"  
"I don't know how I felt okay?" Amanda blurted out, "I can't talk about it, it gets too much, it takes me over. I can't talk about it."

Amanda grabbed a hold of a pillow from the couch and hugged it against herself. It felt infantile and stupid but she needed it.

"You feel like you can't talk about how you felt. That it threatens to take you over," Olivet repeated her words, "now that answer I have an easier time accepting. Those feelings I can understand."

Amanda managed to get a grip on her breathing. It felt good hearing Olivet say she understood her. At least one of them grasped something in this whole fucked up situation.

"Have you experienced that? Feelings taking you over," Olivet asked. Amanda nodded hesitantly.  
"Can you give me an example of a time when they took you over?"

Amanda thought about it but then shook her head. Truth was she didn't want to tell Olivet about it, she felt too ashamed.

"Okay, but can you tell me just one thing that happens when your feelings take over?"  
"It's different… each time," Amanda answered quietly. _Damn, she just admitted it had happened more than once_.  
"Can you give me something?"  
"I cry," Amanda whispered and bit her lip.  
"You cry," Olivet repeated and turned her head down to write it down.

She could write still keeping her eyes on the patient but this time she tried to hide the slight smile that spread over her face with Amanda's answer. She didn't think she knew anyone who felt so reluctant to cry as Amanda. Not even the men she saw in her practice had trouble crying on her couch but Amanda fought it with every fiber in her being. But Olivet also knew why so she controlled her smile before she looked back up.

"I know you don't like crying in front of others. I remember you telling me about how your mother used to laugh at you when you cried, how she called it a weakness. That she mocked you and that you did your best to never cry in front of her."

Amanda felt a slight chill go up her spine. _When did she tell Olivet this? She couldn't remember opening up about this to her. _

"That was a long time ago," Amanda mumbled.  
"Very likely it still affects you though. Maybe subconsciously but when you are exposed to that by a parent figure at such a young age it is very possible it has manifested in you. No child, or adult, should be subjected to that. Crying can be very releasing at times. Function as an outlet, or call it a channel, a vent, a form of release. Everyone needs to release pressure at times."

"I don't like it," Amanda mumbled, again just loud enough for Olivet to pick up.  
"I know you don't," Olivet acknowledged, "How about other outlets though? How do you let go of pent up frustration or anger or sadness?"

Amanda managed to hold Olivet's eyes for a bit as she thought about it. _The answers that popped up in her head all sounded so bad. Made her seem like a floozy but then again was she anything else? _She could feel the panic threatening to come up from her gut and she glanced towards the door again.

"Don't Amanda," Olivet warned.

Amanda's eyes snapped back to Olivet's. It freaked her out Olivet had seemed to be able to read her thoughts and she couldn't stop herself as she lounged up out of the couch. For once though Olivet was ready and for the first time she got up on her feet too and she held out her arm in an attempt to keep Amanda from fleeing. Just the presence of Olivet's arm, _or maybe the fear of body contact Olivet thought to herself_, made Amanda shy back.

"Please don't run from this," Olivet begged putting her palms towards Amanda in an attempt to seem unthreatening.

Olivet could tell Amanda's chest started to rise and fall rapidly like she'd been holding her breath and now fought for air.

"I won't judge you, you know that Amanda," Olivet said, "Tell me what happens when your feelings overcome you."

Olivet could tell how ironic it was and she smiled but kept it soft. _Here she was asking Amanda what she did when feelings overcame her when she'd just shown her a version of it. She fled. But Olivet was looking for another answer. She was looking for the dissociation, a way in to talk about what she thought was happening to Amanda._

"I do bad things," Amanda whispered once she had control of her breathing.

They were still stuck in their previous positions. Olivet with her palms slightly raised, a compassionate smile over her face and concern in her eyes. Amanda on her feet by the couch, clutching the pillow in front of her again that she'd just been about to toss down a few moments ago.

"What kind of bad things?" Olivet asked feeling a little relieved Amanda had actually opened up the lid if only just a tiny bit.

Amanda's eyes darted around Olivet as though she was thinking about it.

"What bad things Amanda?" Olivet asked again keeping her voice soft and not demanding in any way.  
"I wake up beside strangers," Amanda whispered.

That hadn't been any of the possible answers Olivet had expected. It did shock her slightly, made her worry this was even worse than she thought, but she managed to keep a straight face.

"Okay," she said almost as quiet as Amanda, "What else?"

Amanda swallowed hard.

"I do things I know is bad for me, that I'm embarrassed about… I hurt people…"

Olivet could tell Amanda was close to tears.

"Just have a seat," Olivet urged and when Amanda backed up she followed. They ended up on opposite ends of the couch, both sitting just at the edge of the seat, both still on high alert.

"Do you feel you can control these things that you do?" Olivet asked cautiously.

Amanda shook her head very slowly.

"Okay," Olivet said calming, "Are you aware that you're doing them at the time?"

Amanda frowned slightly, she didn't look as she grasped the question.

"Do you look back and realize you've done things that you at the time weren't aware of? You said you wake up beside strangers, do you know how you ended up there?"  
"Of course… I do…" Amanda said determent but still managed to sound a bit doubtful, "I mean I know what I did of course."  
"Okay, but while you're doing these things do you feel like Amanda… or do you feel like… Shay?"

Amanda's eyes narrowed.

"Shay isn't…" Amanda started but her throat closed up.  
"She's a character you made up yes but do you use her as a release for all these feelings that you can't handle?"  
"Shay isn't…" Amanda repeated but didn't get further this time around either.  
"Shay isn't what Amanda?" Olivet asked.  
"…real."

"So who is Shay to you? Where does she originate from? Where does she come from Amanda?" Olivet had to bite down to not keep asking questions, she was full of questions right now.

"She's…" Amanda started but she got interrupted by a long inhale that got stuck several times on the way down her throat. When she let the inhale go again it sounded like something between a sigh and a sob and Amanda got a miserable look all over her face.

"It's okay Amanda," Olivet whispered, "I think I know what's going on with you and it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Amanda got a glimmer of hope in her eyes. _Did the doctor really understand? Could she really explain what the hell was going on with her?_

"I think you're suffering from a dissociative disorder," Olivet started, "I don't know just how severe it is but its manageable Amanda. It's not uncommon in cases like yours. With severe childhood abuse," Amanda flinched at the doctor's use of childhood abuse, she was already having trouble with the word _disorder_, "and with the trauma you've been trough. It can explain why you do things you have recollection off but aren't really aware of doing at the time. Why your voice shift like it did here in my office last time we saw each other."

_My voice shifts? _

"Why your manner changes and you act in a way that's not normal for you."  
"I'm not crazy," Amanda mumbled.

It hadn't been a question but Olivet took it that way.

"No you're absolutely not. Like I said it's manageable. We can…"  
"I'm not crazy," Amanda said again but louder and she shook her head no.

_Her sister was crazy. She had mental disorders. Her mom as well most probably. Her granny had mentioned things about her great grandmother that made her think she might've had mental problems too. That was them though. Not her. She wasn't crazy. She couldn't be crazy. She had a job. She had to have a job. A reason to live. _

"Wait… what…" Olivet wasn't sure what was going on and got on her feet as Amanda got on hers.  
"I am not crazy," Amanda repeated backing away from the doctor.  
"That's not what I'm saying Amanda, please listen to me," Olivet tried.

Amanda wasn't hearing her though. _All she heard was that she had a mental disorder and she pictured herself locked up like her sister had been at times during adolescence. She pictured herself popping pills like her mother. She pictured herself in a straitjacket and the restraints scared the hell out of her._

Amanda suddenly made a turn and now that the doctor wasn't in her chair she had a straight path to the back door where she usually exited to not run in to the next patient in the waiting room.

"Amanda please," Olivet tried, going after her.

Amanda was already out the door though and steaming down the hallway as Olivet got there.

"I'm not crazy," Amanda yelled just as Fin popped his confused head out through the regular door. She'd just passed the door and Fin looked back over at the doctor as she yelled;

"Please come back Amanda."

Fin met the doctor's eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said to him even though she wasn't sure if it was really directed at him.

Fin finally reacted and took off after Amanda down the hallway. He caught her shooting through a door and he moaned when he realized it was the staircase. _They were so high up_. He yelled her name when he got in to the staircase. He could hear her maybe two or three floors down and he knew he would never catch up to her.

"Please, Amanda, wait," he yelled rushing down the first flight of stairs. He took the last three steps with a jump but wasn't sure it did him any favors as his big frame needed a few moments to get going again from the impact of the landing.

"Amanda," he tried again but his breathing was strained already and he focused on getting down the stairs as fast as possible instead. He cursed silently when he heard a door open and close further down. _Faster. Move. C'mon_.

He took the last few steps too quickly, stumbled but thankfully the door helped him stay on his feet even if the hard impact hurt his wrists slightly. The loud thump he'd made against the door had already attracted the attention of the single security guard down by the desk.

"A blonde? Running?" Fin asked out of breath.

The guard gestured him towards the exit. Fin had figured as much but he was still appreciative and the guard also seemed to know which way she'd taken off once outside the glass doors.

"Thanks," Fin managed to breathe.

He tried a few deep breaths as he passed the rotating doors. He couldn't see her further down the street but took off running as fast as he could. He was grateful he didn't hear any screeching tires or car horns, at least he didn't have to fear she'd run in to traffic. He came to an abrupt halt once he'd passed the next building. Between the houses he saw a spot of green and he thought he saw Amanda's slumped body on the ground behind two people approaching her.

"Hey," he yelled wanting them to stay clear of her. When she was in this state no one should come close to her but he was still too far away for them to hear him and he saw Amanda's arm in the air and one of the men backing up slightly as though he avoided a swing.

"Hey," he yelled again and this time he gained the attention of one of the men.

He'd hooked his badge off his belt and held it in front of him which immediately made the men back off.

"I got it," he breathed hard as he got closer and slowed down.

Amanda was on her knees on the grass, slumped down to one side with her back to him and he could see just how hard she was breathing. He touched her shoulder ready for a swing but all he got was Amanda's panicked face. Her face was flushed, her hands visible trembling in the air in front of her.

"It's me," he said disarming as he let her go and came around her to be able to kneel in front of her.  
"Just breathe," he told her, "We know what this is, you're not going to die. Nothing's going to happen to you Amanda."

She tried to say something but nothing came out and she clutched her chest.

"You're fine, you're _not_ dying. You can catch your breath, c'mon breathe with me."

Fin took a deep breath but realized it was still too soon for her to be able to do that.

"We're okay here," Fin said as the men started to approach them again.

Amanda flinched and gasped just by Fin putting his hand in the air towards the men.

"She needs space right now okay," Fin said calmly to the men and finally they seem to get it and that they trusted him he had it under control.  
"Do you need an ambulance?" came a female voice from the other direction and Amanda jumped again, her gasping increasing.  
"No just space thanks," Fin said calmly.

"Amanda just breathe, listen to my voice," Fin directed his efforts back on the one person that meant anything to him, "Do you want to lie down for a bit?"

She started to shake her head franticly. Her eyes darted up to the sky. Fin had already listened for sounds, scanned the surroundings and deemed it a quiet enough place but for Amanda the plane going over their heads just now made an awful sound in her head and the cars out there on the street, she heard them all thousand times louder than he could.

"Okay Amanda, what do you need? What do you need right now?" he asked getting her attention drawn back to him.  
"I can count to ten? No? You want to try raising your arms?" he went down the mental list of things that had worked in the past. She shook everything off though.  
"Do you trust me?" he asked. Her face crumbled.  
"You can trust me," he said reassuring, "Try raising your arms…"

Her breathe was still so quick, taking rapid short breaths and he feared she would hyperventilate soon if they didn't get it under control.

"That's right, c'mon, higher," he said and helped her out by placing soft hands underneath her elbows as she tried to get her arms up in the air. Her arms were shaking so violently he felt bad for even asking her to move them right now but he used her stubbornness in their favor.

"You can do this," he urged on, taking a slightly more stable grip on her jacket to help her out.  
"That's good, and down again," he said helping her out.  
"And up again," he said and was pleased to see how fast it had a positive effect on her.

After raising her arms a few times she was able to finally pull a deep breath and he gave her praise. He'd never had a panic attack himself but he knew the severity of them seeing her go through them. Her flushed face started to ease and he knew she would be white as a ghost in no time at all. Depending on how severe this attack had been he knew he could count on anything from a few minutes to an hour's fatigue. He took his jacket off and bundled it up.

"Lie down for a bit," he urged and placed his jacket underneath her head as she lied down without any resistance. Another sign what a toll these attacks took on her. He felt the grass around her, worried the ground was too cold for her but the sunrays from earlier was still doing their tricks. He stroke back some of her hair from a face but then let her be, he knew something like bodily contact could set off another attack and that it was better to let her be for a bit.

He scanned the area again to make sure they were still being left alone. For anyone passing now they could easily pass for just a couple hanging out for a bit. _Oh how he wished they were just a couple hanging out for a bit_.

He looked at her, wondered what had happened up in Olivet's office just now. She'd screamed she wasn't crazy. What did that mean? He knew these panic attacks, and even the nightmares, made her fear she was losing her mind. She'd whispered it to his chest at times. Those rare times when she confessed her deepest, darkest fears.

He laid down in front of her, putting his elbow on the grass so he could lean his head in his hand. She looked calm now. He knew how much these attacks drained her. And how embarrassed she would feel later on.

"I'm not crazy," she mumbled.  
"I know you're not," he whispered and brushed some of her hair back again. The slight breeze had blown some strands back across her face.  
"I know you're not," he repeated with barely a breath.

_But did he? _He'd felt such relief when she entered the doctor's office. _But if Olivet couldn't reach her, then who could?_

**The following day they** stepped in to the station late. It was starting to become a bad habit, one Nick didn't seem pleased with as he glared at them walking by his desk. No one said good morning to each other and Keith watched the situation with worried eyes. _What the hell was going on around here lately?_

Liv was on the phone, on a call she couldn't hang up on, and watched Fin and Amanda sit down looking rather gloomy. She could usually read Fin rather well but today it was easy to see both of them were drained. She was starting to really feel the pressure, her squad was falling to pieces right in front of her eyes.

"Sergeant?" the caller asked. She'd sighed out loud.  
"Oh I'm sorry sir, you were saying," she said trying to focus back on the call.

Outside Nick's irritation grew by the minute and when he noticed one of the witness statements was missing from the report Amanda wrote up yesterday he approached her desk. Fin had made his second trip over to the coffee pot and didn't pick up on Nick's indignant tone. Neither did Amanda though even though Nick was standing right by her desk.

"What?" Amanda mumbled a little absent-minded as Nick leaned down on her desk.  
"Where's Ledger's statement? You were supposed to re-interview her _two_ days ago?" Nick slammed the file down on her keyboard as she seemed more interested in it than listening to him and it made him even more annoyed. He was surprised she didn't bite on that though, he was used to bickering with her but she did not seem to bite at all today.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked out loud. Fin finally picked up on the hostile tone and looked over.

"Hey," Fin raised his voice as he saw Nick hovering over Amanda like a pit-bull or something. He hurried back over towards his desk.

"Hey what?" Nick asked throwing his hands out to the sides.  
"Back off," Fin said using one hand to push Nick away from her desk. Nick just watched him do it with expanded eyes.  
"What? I'm not allowed to move around my own squad room now," Nick asked offended. He knew better than to push back against someone Fin's size though.  
"You can move around but not breathe down my partner's neck," Fin said putting his hand down.  
"What? I'm not breathing… she's not doing her job, I have the right to call her out on that if it affects my work," Nick said gesturing between himself and Amanda.

Keith had gotten up on his feet and took a few steps closer. He'd like to think he would go between the two if it got even more heated but truth was he wasn't sure he dared to go any closer than that if push came to shove.

"She's fine," Fin said with a huff.  
"Fine?" Nick said and couldn't help but laugh.  
"She's not doing her job," he said like he was talking the truth.  
"Mind your own business," Fin snapped.  
"Excuse me?" Nick took a step closer. Keith started to sweat slightly.  
"C'mon guys," he said but no one heard him.  
"You need to mind your own business," Fin said getting right in Nick's face.

"Hey," Liv's stern voice made everyone in the squad room jump.  
"My office, now," she said looking at Fin and Nick.

Before she turned to step back in to her office she shot Amanda a glance, she was just staring straight ahead with an absent look in her eyes. Liv walked back to her desk and sat down as Nick entered with Fin dragging his feet a few steps behind him.

"Close the door," Liv said without looking up. She waited until the door was closed until she spoke.  
"You want to tell me what that was all about?" she said.

They were standing so far apart she had to move her head slightly to be able to look between them. She watched them exchanged a glare but neither seemed willing to talk.

"Someone please explain to me why you're making fools of yourself in my squad room," Liv said losing her temper quickly.  
"I'm missing a statement," Nick said.  
"Okay?" Liv said but wasn't satisfied with that, "And getting in each other's face helps you solve that just how?"  
"It doesn't," Nick mumbled.  
"Of course it doesn't and I don't ever want to see that behavior from either one of you in the squad room again, you hear me?"  
"Yes Sarg," Nick mumbled.  
"Fin?"  
"I'm sorry Sarg," Fin mumbled.  
"That apology is misdirected, you should tell each other that," Liv said and suddenly felt like a grade school teacher lecturing her unruly students.

"Well?" she had to ask as they just kept glaring at each other.  
"I'm sorry Fin," Nick finally said. He was a little fed up with having to be the one who always crumbled first, and his beef hadn't even been with Fin in the first place.

"Yeah, me too," Fin said and Nick clinched his teeth as he thought Fin copped out.  
"Okay," Liv said though not wanting to be the mediator any more, they were grownups after all.

"So what about this statement?"  
"Susan Ledger, him and Rollins were supposed to re-interview her like two days ago," Nick said not feeling bad about snitching.  
"Why didn't you?" Liv turned to look at Fin.  
"We didn't have time and were supposed to go back yesterday but I guess we forgot…"

Nick had to swallow a huff but expected Liv to do the scolding for him.

"Can you get it done now you think?" Liv said though and Nick couldn't hide his surprise but Liv had her eyes on Fin and didn't pick up on it.  
"Yeah sure, we have some other business out there anyway," Fin answered casually.  
"Okay, good. So you'll have it written up for Nick by the end of the day?"  
"Sure thing Sarg," Fin said.  
"So we're done?" Liv turned to look at Nick. He was too stunned to do anything but nod.  
"Great, could you leave us for a bit?" Liv asked Nick. Still too stunned to say anything Nick moved towards the door.

"You want it closed?" he managed to ask once he reached the door.  
"Yes. Thanks Nick," Liv said and shot him a smile as he walked out closing the door behind him.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked Fin. Fin nodded.  
"You seem tired Fin. Your partner seems off. Did something happen last night?"

Fin took a deep breath and glanced out towards his partner.

"No," he said shaking his head, "I went with her to see the doc, Olivet, and then we just headed home. I guess we just slept too much."

He looked back at Liv and shrugged his shoulders when she looked a little doubtful. He wasn't lying, he was just withholding the part about her panic attack and what a toll it had taken on her and consequently on him as well.

"Would you tell me if something was wrong Fin?" Liv had to ask.  
"Of course I would Liv," Fin said and tried to make it sound as believable as possible.  
"Okay," Liv said with a sigh. She wanted to believe him but something told her he was being upfront with her.

"Try not to aggravate Nick okay? He can sense something is off so don't play in to his… persecution complex, can you try and not do that?"  
"Yeah, sure," Fin said balancing back on his heels slightly.  
"Can I go?" he finally asked. Liv gave him a smile and then a nod.

"C'mon partner," Fin said as he walked up to his desk. Amanda looked up looking as vacant as she'd done all morning.  
"We got an interview to do," he said and cocked his head for her to get her jacket.

"See ya," Keith said to them as they headed out. Nick had walked out of Liv's office, shot Amanda a quick glance and then headed down towards the bunks. Keith didn't want to be on the bad side of either of them and was pleased to at least get a head nod from Fin.

They dealt with the re-interview first. Fin had to take lead on it and feeling a little unbalanced himself it took a while to get through it. Once they finally stepped out again it was time for lunch and knowing Amanda hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday he insisted they sat down for a proper lunch. It hurt him to see her this jaded. She seemed cut off from everything and he could tell her responses were slow.

He hadn't forgotten about the promise he'd made her yesterday about trying to get some intel on Sierra and he hoped that would cheer her up. He used it as bait to get her to eat a little more and the notion of maybe finding out something about her friend did seem to perk her up if only slightly.

It felt a little weird for him to step in to his old quarters, he hadn't stopped by in years now and wasn't even sure he would recognize any faces. He should've known some of the old players were still hanging around though. Fin got a laugh out of seeing the now grey or bald men he used to get in all sorts of trouble with back in the days. He felt a little proud to be able to introduce his new partner to them as well. He did catch two of them checking out her ass as she stepped around them to shake hands with the rest of the crew but he tried to shake it off. At least he had grew out of what he now find to be demeaning behavior.

Once the chatter died down a little someone obviously asked what he was doing around the old neighborhood and Fin had to come clean he was there for a favor. The old partner he'd called last week wasn't around but another good guy from the past said he knew who they could ask about the bust and brought them along to another squad room in the building.

He took them to a desk that sat empty but he told them to have a seat as he went looking for who they figured was the occupant of the desk. He soon came back with his hand on the back of a very curvaceous woman in casual clothes. Something about the touch and the way he held out the chair for her told them she was more than a casual acquaintance or coworker. He introduced her as Alice and called her the go-to-girl of this entire station. She had eyes and ears everywhere. Alice gave him a playful punch on the arm and told them to not listen to him but then asked them what she could help them with.

Fin told her about the raid, Lamar Okeke and how they were trying to get word on a girl that worked for him. Fin told them she was a former informant and they just wanted to check up on her. Alice looked a little skeptical at first but after just one look at Amanda's pleading face she got on her computer. Amanda was ready to hug Alice when they got the name of the hospital Sierra seemed to still be at. Amanda settled with repeating thank you a few times and Alice seemed satisfied with that.

They didn't get more than a step outside his old station until she asked him if they could go there straight away. He had figured she would want to and seeing her come to life again was enough reason for him to oblige. She got silent again on the ride over to the hospital. She shot him a few smiles though each time she caught him glancing over. He could tell she was tense and figured she was both eager and nervous about seeing her friend again. They still didn't know what state she would be in so Fin was also worried what they would walk in on and how that would affect Amanda.

At the hospital they were met with a bit of suspicion but were finally shown to the right floor. There was a guard by Sierra's door but he seemed satisfied with seeing their badges. Fin watched Amanda hide her badge in her inside pocket and then take a deep breath before she stepped in.

The room was sterile, the lack of flowers, cards or balloons by the sick bed was noticeable and Amanda immediately regretted coming empty handed. The person lying in the bed was covered by a sheet and blanket pulled up to the chin. All that stuck out was a ragged ponytail of jet black hair. It looked nothing like the wavy, soft weed or tiny long braids that usually covered Sierra's head.

Amanda was afraid to make her presence known. She'd even stopped right inside the door and it was Fin's light hand between her shoulder blades that finally got her moving again. Very slowly she made her way over but then fear took her over again and she stopped several yards from the bed. Fin was resourceful, cleared his throat and the person in the bed started stirring.

She looked different but there was no way Amanda didn't recognize those big black eyes, that long regal looking nose and those full lips. And it was a relief to see Sierra recognize her as well and to see that smile spread across her face.

"No way," Sierra said with a raspy voice as she sat up.

She was in casual wear but far from the wardrobe Amanda was used to seeing her in. She had an outwashed tee in a color that didn't suit her and both her arms were covered with gauze all the way down to her wrists. She looked malnourished and her skin didn't have that alluring glow that at times had forced Amanda to reach out and touch her.

"Don't just stand there," Sierra squawked and held out her arms best she could. Amanda could tell something about that simple motion hurt her so she hurried forward to not make her suffer through it longer than necessary. Sierra's arms usually always ended up around her shoulders since she had several inches on Amanda but just feeling her pressed up against her body felt familiar and comforting. Sierra's cheek and chin were warm against the side of Amanda's neck and she held her as hard as she dared to in the fragile state Sierra seemed in. Holding on to her Amanda could feel that slight tremor in her entire body and she felt way too small in her arms.

"I've missed you girl," Sierra whispered near her skin.  
"I've missed you too," Amanda answered doing her best to keep her emotions in check.

She wanted to cry for many reasons. _Just for seeing her. And for seeing her in this state. For the situation they were in. For what ordeal Sierra must've been put through and what permanent injuries she might have. And she wanted to cry for herself and for the miserable person she was for not keeping a better eye on her friend._

"Let me look at you," Sierra finally said and broke free from the hug. She grabbed a hold of Amanda's hands and pulled them apart so she could get a look at her outfit.

"What you wearing girl?" Sierra said eyeing her and then let go of one of her hands so she could use her hand to push her to the side and check out the back of her jeans, "Still flattering but far from showing off your assets."

Sierra winked at her. Amanda shook her head slightly.

"It's been a while," Sierra said sensing Amanda's awkwardness. Amanda nodded.  
"How are you?" Amanda asked hoping her voice would hold up.  
"I know I look dreadful but I'm okay, now, or better at least," Sierra said looking down on herself.

Amanda let go of one of her hands so she could reach out and touch her friend's cheek.

"Really, I'm doing okay," Sierra said when she met Amanda's eyes again.

Holding on to her cheek Amanda could feel the shakes she'd already detected with her eyes.

"They have me on this medically managed withdrawal," Sierra said and sounded less impressed, "weeks now and I'm not feeling any better. Cravings are bad."

Amanda acknowledged what she was saying.

"Hey, it's okay," Sierra said, "I could be dead. I'm not dead."

Amanda was afraid to ask what had happened to her arms or what else she'd been through at Dollhouse.

"Whatever he did to you he's going to pay for it," Amanda whispered.  
"I came willingly, I sorta knew I was walking in to a rotten deal," Sierra said lowering her head.  
"Doesn't make it alright," Amanda said quickly.

"Never mind, what have you been up to?" Sierra said shaking the one hand she was still holding on to.  
"I…," Amanda shrugged.

She'd always felt bad about not telling Sierra the truth about her job and all. Sierra could tell she wasn't going to get an answer from her and she tipped slightly to the side so she could catch Fin's eyes.

"Are you taking care of her big guy?"  
"Doing my best," Fin answered.  
"That's good. I've told you I'd come after you if you don't," Sierra said sitting back on the bed. Sierra leaned in to Amanda and whispered;

"You have a good one there. I mean for a cop."

Amanda flinched but realized she was talking about Fin and she managed to smile slightly.

"Yeah, he's good," Amanda mumbled.

The room fell silent. Amanda wasn't sure what to say and Sierra kept playing with Amanda's hand that she'd now caught with both of hers. Amanda could feel her fingers tracing her scar but she was in a room with the only two people she didn't mind doing that. She realized she had to wise up. She didn't want this opportunity to be for nothing.

"So where will you go when you get out of here?" she asked. Sierra shrugged.  
"You know me, I'll work it out," she said in that flippant tone that was very much Sierra.  
"Will you be able to stay clean?"

Another shrug.

"They've given me 6 weeks with this schmuck they are feeding me," Sierra said, "they don't have any outpatient treatments here so they will recommend some for me but…"

Sierra just shrugged again and made a face.

"Do you want to stay clean?"

Sierra seemed to think about Amanda's question for a while.

"I can't even remember what that's like… being clean."  
"And what you're feeling right now isn't that much better," Amanda guessed. Sierra smiled and shook her head.

"Once… you've healed," Amanda said fingering on the bandage on her arm, "maybe you'll start to feel better and want to stay clean?"  
"Do you feel any better?" Sierra asked. Amanda held her eyes for a bit.  
"Not always but there are times…" Amanda felt as she was doing a poor job convincing Sierra it was better to stay off drugs but she didn't want to deceive her either. Not more than she was already doing.

"That's the problem though, you know me, I'm a 100% all the time, always. I don't think I want a half assed life."  
"It wouldn't have to be half assed for you," Amanda tried.  
"If not even you, the most grounded and gorgeous person I know, can…" Sierra bit her tongue and shot Amanda a sad look.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I mean I know what you went through can't compare to what I've… done, seen, but I think I've caught glimpses of that pure evil you met and I don't think I could live if I would have to face that. Or own up to things I've done to others lately. I just don't think I could handle that. I'm not as strong as you."

"I'm not strong," Amanda whispered.  
"Are you kidding me?" Sierra smiled, "I should've said most _strong_, grounded and gorgeous person I know. You came back from hell Shay. Maybe a bit burnt but you came back and you still look good," Sierra reached up and touched Amanda's cheek, "and you live with _that_," she cocked her head Fin's way, "can I swop with you girl?"

Amanda smiled.

"It's not always easy though," Amanda said once she'd collected herself, "And I know you've seen bad things. I've heard things about DH. And you said it yourself you're still alive…"  
"Yeah alive but I need my crutches sweetie, you know me Shay, I live for the rushes."  
"There's other ways to experience that. Why couldn't you at least try?"

Sierra held her eyes for a bit but then sighed and shook her head slightly before she looked down on their hands.

"I couldn't do that on my own, I just wouldn't… no I can't."

Amanda clutched her teeth together. She couldn't let Sierra go through this alone. She looked back anxiously towards Fin. He shook his head though and took a step closer to them. He knew what she wanted to do but he couldn't let her, there was no way Amanda could take care of Sierra right now. He wasn't even sure it was a good undertaking even if Amanda was in a more stable place in her life. Amanda begged him with her eyes.

"What if we get you in to a good place?" Fin asked. Sierra looked up.  
"What if we set you up at the best treatment center?" he explained, "It would have to be somewhere away from here though so you wouldn't slip back to your old habits. A change of scenery to get you started afresh."

He knew it was a little selfish, to try and get her out of the city. He just couldn't risk Sierra dragging his partner down even further right now. He had to keep any obstacle away.

"The best treatment is pricey…" Sierra said.  
"Don't worry about it," Fin said, "But you'd have to promise to give it your best."

Sierra seemed to think it over, she looked at Amanda for a while.

"Please say yes," Amanda whispered squeezing Sierra's hands. Sierra looked uncertain still but a mischievous smile grew out of one corner of her mouth.  
"You wanna be my sugar daddy too?" Sierra said with a wink at Fin.  
"No I want you to get clean, get another chance in life," Fin said. Sierra's smile eased.

"For her sake," Sierra said shaking Amanda's hand a little. There was a slight hint of envy over her face, with sadness creeping in.  
"For _your_ sake," Fin corrected her, "She loves you though, it would do her good too to see you get clean and out of this business."

Sierra fixed her eyes on Amanda.

"Okay," she finally said quietly. Even though he could only see Amanda's back he could see the relief and happiness she felt.  
"Will you have to be available for trial if they arrest Okeke?" Fin asked. He was curios if she was willing to witness against Okeke or not.  
"Maybe, I sold myself to the p-," Sierra seemed to catch herself but after a long look Fin's way she decided to still go ahead with what she'd planned to say, "The pigs forced me to talk to get treatment. But since they set me up in this dump I'm not sure they deserve my help."

"How about you work with them for your own sake and for all the other girls Okeke's hurt?" Fin suggested.  
"I'd be surprised if they get him to court, he seems to have a knack for getting out of trouble whatever he does," Sierra muttered.  
"Like Gordon Goodwin? Like his son?" Fin burst out. Sierra looked a little confused.  
"Maybe it's because no one ever has the guts to stand up to him? From what she's told me," Fin cocked his head Amanda's way, "you're one of the strongest and most confident women she's ever met. Maybe even the only one. You want to prove her wrong?"

Sierra seemed to think about it.

"Is it blackmail?" she asked. It was Fin's turn to look a little confused.  
"Rehab for me taking the stand?"  
"I'll pay for rehab either way. You'd lose my respect if you don't witness though, maybe even hers."

Sierra looked a bit sad again.

"And if I can't hack rehab?"  
"Your loss," Fin said a bit flippant. He knew in the end she could only get clean for her own sake, no threat would work if she didn't want to get clean herself.

"Please," Amanda whispered, "You said you wanted to be a bartender, with your social skills… or hair. Nails. You do them great."

Sierra touched her less than stylish hair.

"Get clean and get back to looking glam. I know you can do it," Amanda tried to sound upbeat.  
"I hate failing…" Sierra mumbled.  
"But you've never really tried have you?" Amanda said, "You told me this was easy, you didn't even have to try to be good at it. You said you were lazy, that you never took any opportunities given to you. Please, _please_ take this one."  
"Will you come visit?" Sierra asked.  
"Yes," Amanda immediately answered.

Fin bit his tongue.

"We'll hang when I come back to witness?"

Amanda nodded eagerly.

"Okay," Sierra said and Amanda immediately threw her arms around Sierra. Fin was left watching them hug for minutes. He had a feeling Amanda held on to her friend so no one would see the tears she shed.

**Walking out she had** tons of questions and ideas. She wanted to buy Sierra some clothes. Wanted her to walk in to rehab, if not feeling, but at least looking grand. Maybe they had time to do her hair too? And she would repay him for rehab, he'd get every cent she earned. Did he think she could stay with them once she came back to NY for the trial? He had to try and ground her slightly, he knew how sad she'd get if plans fell through. They had to first and foremost catch Okeke. And she didn't have to worry about paying him back, if she was happy it was payback enough.

Back at the station they helped each other out to write the statement up for Nick but Fin got the pleasure of handing it to him. Amanda had been in good spirits up until Liv let her know she wanted to go with her to Tucker's office. Fin suspected Amanda had managed to repress everything about Tucker, Miller and Holland. He wished, even suggested to Liv that he could join as well but Liv didn't think that would be a good idea. Tucker might know Fin was clued in but it was dumb to pick a fight at this time. She promised she would see to it Amanda had better backup from now on.

They took Liv's car over when it was time to leave. Amanda was quiet during the ride. Liv asked if she'd heard from Tucker, if he'd let her know anything about Holland's condition but Amanda just shook her head. Liv had tried reaching Tucker but been unsuccessful.

When she walked in by Amanda's side Tucker didn't seem happy.

"What are you doing here?" Tucker asked with a sullen tone.  
"I'm escorting my detective, making sure you'll have sufficient backup from now on," Liv answered trying to not sound as plump as Tucker.

Tucker gave her a glare which Liv ignored.

"Any news on Holland?" she asked.

Tucker tried to keep his glare but glancing over at Amanda he seemed to get struck with perhaps some guilt and his face eased slightly.

"He's doing okay. He won't talk to the police, case will get dropped."  
"Okay, but what happened still left traumatic wounds. What insurance do we have you want put her in a similar situation again?"  
"Hey," Tucker said but didn't reach his usual level of rage, "she has a part in this too. She could've controlled herself."  
"You were supposed to have her back," Liv just stated calmly, "If you can't guarantee that I'm not letting you have her."  
"You not…" Tucker snorted, "This is an ongoing investigation, you don't decide when or if it ends."  
"I decide if you use my detective or not," Liv cut in.  
"Have you forgotten how we ended up here?" Tucker said stepping around his desk. Out of the corner of her eye Liv could see Amanda taking a step back but Liv held her ground for both of them, she refused to back down.  
"Your detective shot up, she would be out of a job if it wasn't for me," Tucker turned his finger on himself.  
"You risked her job two nights ago, you risked more than her job actually," Liv said calmly.

Tucker seemed lost for words. A nerve kept twitching at the corner of his mouth, Liv did her best to not stare at it but hold Tucker's glare instead.

"You've always been such a pain in the ass," Tucker finally spat out and turned to go back around his desk.  
"Thank you, that's a compliment coming from you," Liv answered still calmly.

Tucker dug around his desk and then reached out towards Amanda.

"Go put this on," he said and shook his hand when she first didn't move. Amanda glanced Liv's way as she stepped forward to take the wire Tucker was holding out.

"Go on, hurry up," Tucker rushed her. Amanda took the wire from him and then turned towards the door. Just as she was heading out Cassidy had been about to knock. Amanda jumped as he filled up the door but settled herself quickly and whispered a hi as she sneaked by him and another guy waiting right behind him.

Brian cocked his head at Liv as he entered and noticed her there.

"See, not only one but two details tonight," Tucker said gesturing the newly arrived men's way, "I do take lesson from less fortune circumstances."  
"And if he brings her along again? Will you stop it before it goes too far?"

Tucker gave her another glare.

"You really have no faith at all in me do you," he moaned.

Liv glanced over her shoulder to make sure Amanda had left them.

"You saw for yourself what that did to her," Liv hissed, "It's inexcusable and can not happen again."  
"It won't. We will interfere before it goes too far. Now it's more about getting the culprits, get the collaborators. Rack 'em up and take them down. This is the fun part."

Tucker looked up with a grin over his face but it vanished as Liv obviously wasn't as thrilled as he was.

"Okay now scotch. You're bringing me down. All that negativity…" Tucker gestured Liv's way, "Just scram and let us do our job."  
"I'll _scram_ once Rollins comes back," Liv moaned and stepped to the side. She exchanged a glance with Cassidy. She was a little disappointed at him too. She didn't recognize this mute, gloomy eyed looking man. The Cassidy she'd known had balls enough to stand up to Tucker.

Once Amanda stepped back in she could feel the silent tension in the air. Tucker immediately asked her if she was ready to head out and she didn't know what else to do than nod. Liv walked with them down to the garage and asked if Amanda really felt up to do this. With Tucker's eyes burning a hole through her back Amanda didn't know what to say except that she was fine. Amanda tried to avoid any eye contact with Liv as she jumped in to the back seat of Tucker's car. Cassidy joined her in the back and then they took off, leaving Liv behind in the musty, old parking garage.

Tucker sent in Cassidy and that other guy that Amanda thought was named Joel but she wasn't sure, before her and told her to climb up to the front. Once seated Tucker's hand once again reached over to touch her leg but it seemed rather legit as he looked her deep in the eyes and tried to reassure her he would do a better job having her back tonight.

She still felt a bit of relief as he removed his hand though. He'd said some other things she hadn't been able to focus on as his hand rubbed her thigh. Or maybe it was the image of Sierra in that hospital bed that kept interfering her concentration_? She just wanted Sierra to be safe. Maybe Fin's plan to find a place for her out of town was good? But then again she'd tried to take Cassie out of the city but Mayhem still found her._

She tried to push all the thoughts of Sierra, Cassie and Mayhem out of her head as she walked in to the bar. It was hard though. She felt uncomfortable and the bar seemed to have gotten a film of gloom now. Everyone in there just seemed miserable and in need of drinking their sorrows away.

Miller's chair was noticeably vacant and she found herself missing him as she walked up to the bar to get her first beer. Things weren't looking any better by her third beer. She'd tried a game of pool, mingling and talking but whenever she smiled or laughed she felt fake, and also felt as people around her could tell she was faking it.

Miller was a no show for the entire night. By nine Tucker was ready to call it a night but by then Amanda had downed five beers and two shots and started to finally feel relaxed. For the last hour she'd played flirty with this guy and she had fun trying to come up with ways to get him turned on from a distance. She knew she was succeeding as she'd felt the bulge in his pants as he'd made a phony excuse to be able to lean against her. Tucker had started hinting in her ear that it was time for them to call it a night and maybe it was the fear she was running out of time that made her pull the guy to the side so she could make out with him. She felt this burning between her legs and all she could think off was a quick release. The guy was civil though, keeping his hands on the wall behind her as they kissed so she had to put herself against his thigh so she could grind against him. That seemed to have some positive effect on the guy who finally started to cop feels on her breasts and ass.

Hearing Tucker telling her in her ear to get a grip only made her giggle, she had a very good grip on this guy thank you very much. As she giggled the guy started kissing down her throat and Amanda was able to turn her head. She caught two guys over by the bar checking them, or more so her, out and an unpleasant feeling sneaked in. People watching. It made her feel uncomfortable. And then she caught Cassidy's eyes a little further out, he tried to look away but she'd seen him looking.

"I need another beer," she said pushing the guy off her. She caught his lips briefly to wipe away the frown he gave her. She made her way back over to the bar.

"Okay, I'm calling it a night," Tucker's annoyed voice was heard in her ear. She caught Cassidy's eyes and something told her he heard the exact same thing as her.

"Feel free to bone every guy in there but I'm not going to pay for it. I would prefer you got in a cab. But you do it now or you're on your own. You have to explain this one to your boss though."

Amanda bit her cheek as she stepped up to the bar. She didn't want to shame herself but she didn't want to obey him either. _She made her own rules and no one had the right to tell her what to do_. She flinched slightly as she felt someone brush up against her back. She relaxed as she spotted Cassidy hovering right behind her.

"C'mon, let me get you a cab," he whispered.

She bit her cheek harder. They didn't have the right to make her choices for her. _She was in charge. She could bone whoever she wanted. It was her bloody right._

"Fine," she mumbled and stubbornly turned towards the exit. A cab just pulled up to the side of the road and a couple stepped out.

"You free?" Amanda asked the cabbie and got a nod. She jumped in, throwing a glance over her shoulder to catch Cassidy on the step of the bar.

"I want to see you in my office at 2 pm tomorrow," Tucker said in her ear.

Amanda gave the cabbie her address and then started to pull up her top. She wanted to cut Tucker off asap. The cabbie threw her curious looks in the back mirror but Amanda didn't pay attention to him. Tucker was still talking in her ear and as soon as she'd pulled the wire out of her bra and shut it off she got the ear piece out as well.

"Screw you," she mumbled once she was able to push the devices down her jacket pocket. The cabbie immediately pulled his eyes from the mirror and focused on his driving. Amanda slid over to one of the windows and watched New York race by outside. _Friday night._ There were a lot of people out. Happy go lucky youngsters in fancy outfits hidden under the trendy fall seasons outerwear. She smiled at two girls laughing hysterically over something to her unknown. They crossed the crosswalk in front of them at a red light. Amanda's smile vanished though as she caught sight of a small group of women waiting at a corner. They could've been party goers just as the girls she'd just watched but something told her they weren't. Something in the way they were dressed, the massive skin showing, the heavy make-up they were wearing, told her they were waiting to get picked up. Either one by one or as a group and driven to some ungodly party somewhere in the city.

A blonde caught her eye, with a smoke between her fingers she made a crude gesture to a man walking by who seemed to say something to her. Probably something obnoxious from the way the blonde reacted. She shouted something after him, even took a couple of steps after him but another girl seemed to call her back. Amanda kept her eyes on the blonde as long as she could as the cab took off again.

Once by her building Amanda paid the driver and then stumbled up to her gate. Apparently her mind felt more sober than her body was. Once inside the door she tossed her keys on the cupboard by the wall.

"Hey," she heard Fin greet her as she hung her jacket. She slid slightly against the wall as she tried to pull one of her boots off but she managed to put her foot down before she came closer to the floor.

"Hey," he repeated as he spotted her walking in.  
"Hi," she said with a deep sigh.  
"Everything okay?" he asked as she'd just stopped dead in her tracks somewhere between the kitchen area and the living room where he was sitting. She nodded. Even though planted she seemed restless, looking around and she finally raised her arms up and let her hands rest on the top of her head.

"What's up?" he asked but she just shrugged. A smile spread across his face. He couldn't figure her out right now but she didn't look upset or high-strung.  
"Have you eaten?" he asked and she nodded even though that wasn't true.  
"Are you drunk?" he guessed with slight amusement on his tone.  
"Maybe a little," she said and brought one of her hands down in front of her face so she could show him between her thumb and index finger just how wee drunk she was.

It made Fin chuckle and he got up off the couch.

"I'm sure Tucker was pleased then," he said as he approached her.  
"Screw Tucker," she spat out letting her hands drop to her side with a big sigh.  
"No thanks but I get your drift," Fin said raising his eyebrow. He stopped an arm's length from her and studied her.

"No sign of Miller?" he asked. She shook her head.  
"Any word on Holland?" he asked hoping to not upset her.  
"He's okay. Alive," she let him know.  
"That's good for us at least," Fin said.

Amanda fixed her eyes at him for a few seconds but then let her eyes start to wander again. He was curious what she'd just thought about but he didn't ask.

"Were Liv of any help? She made sure you had proper back-up tonight?" he asked.

He'd talked to Liv a little earlier so this was perhaps a bit of a test. She shrugged.

"Cassidy and some… bloke, were in there with me," she said shrugging again.  
"Was that…." Fin started but got interrupted by her taking a step closer leaving her tilting her head up to look at him.

"Can we stop talking," she said.  
"Okay…" Fin answered hesitant.

He watched her get up on her toes as she slowly snaked her hands around his neck. He kept his eyes open at first as her lips closed in on his. He saw her eyes close as she started working his lips with her own. He got hesitant again as he picked up on the alcohol on her breath as she parted his lips. Her tongue inside his mouth though spread a tingle all the way down to his toes and he didn't even register that he'd closed his eyes as he still saw vivid images of her in front of his eyes. Images of how she'd looked years ago in his bed, underneath him, around him.

His hands had moved up to her hips, one of them softly caressing the curve of her back but had to move back to her hip to steady her as her toes gave way. They were deep in each other's mouth now but he got aware of the alarm in the back of his mind.

"Amanda," he mumbled against her mouth.  
"Take me to bed," she mumbled against his.  
"You're drunk," he mumbled without stopping what he was doing. She tasted so good, her body felt so good against his and under his palms.

She made a disagreeing sound inside his mouth and it set off another round of tingles inside his body. She lashed on around his neck and started to slowly climb up his body. He had to help her out as it gave him a chance to fondle her ass. She pressed herself tighter to him once she'd wrapped her legs around his hips.

"Take me to bed," she repeated more demanding and sucked at his tongue when he tried to object again.

He started moving down the hall, he took it slowly to not bump in to anything. He kept one hand on her ass with the excuse to help her cling on while the other one searched its way up underneath her top. He aimed straight for her bra strap, not bothered by the rough skin that covered her back. He snapped the bra open with skillful fingers and got access to her entire bare back. They bumped in to one of the walls and Amanda trailed kisses down his jawline and down to his ear so he could come up to steer them towards the bedroom. He gasped as she bit down on his neck and he felt himself push up against his pants.

This reminded him of times passed but he tried to not think too much as he feared doubt would set in. _She was vulnerable. Holland. Sierra. Soldier._ He tried to push the thoughts out and grabbed a hold of her hair so he could guide her mouth back to his. She bit his lip, a deep laughter erupting right before she wrapped her lips over his again. He picked up his pace as they reached the bedroom, dropped on to the bed but braced them against his one strong arm so his entire body wouldn't crash down on top of hers. Another laughter slipped through her lips as they both scrambled higher up on the bed.

He caught a look of her entire face but before he could lose momentum she'd reached for his pants, starting to pull them down. His boxers got stuck on his hips as he kicked his sweatpants off. Their lips were entwined again and his hand got working on her jeans. He'd already made a detour down between her legs and felt the heat radiate from her core. The heat, and also the inhale as his hand ran over her, told him she was ready and whatever slight doubt he had vanished immediately.

Her fingers were digging for the hem of his tee and they let each other go briefly so they could rip it over his head. He got his hands on her top and it took the same route. As he'd already undone her bra it slid down exposing one of her nipples and he immediately got his lips around it. She gasped and arched up against him in a most delightful way as he used delicate teeth on it. He swiped the other cup off her lonesome breast and started working it with his hand. He felt her nails dig in to his back. He had to come up for air and as he caught a look of her face he just had to move up there letting his tongue run up her chest and neck until he reached her mouth again. One of his hands went down her body and he pushed her legs apart so he could caress her core through the fabric of her jeans. Her breath picked up quickly and he could feel her squirm underneath him.

He could taste her forever but he finally let her go so he could separate himself slightly from her, he had to see her before he made the next step. She seemed eager to get his mouth back on hers but he fend off her attempts and she finally gave up and just rested back against the bed. He took in the sight of her, the way her chest moved heavily, the state of her erect nipples, her kiss swollen lips and the blush on her cheek brought on from excitement. He used his knee to push her leg out wider and then slowly moved his hand inside her pants. He could tell she held her breath, her teeth catching her lower lip as he slowly slid down towards the target. Her breath hitched up in her throat as he parted her lips and slid down over her clit. If the heat radiating through her pants had excited him it was nothing like what the touch of the warm moist did to him. He could feel himself grow inside his boxers as he took in her eyes rolling back slightly in her head as he started moving his fingers up and down her clit. He forced her legs apart as she tried to close them, he remembered that reaction of hers and it brought back good memories of times shared in this bed.

She whimpered slightly and he granted her a kiss but separated from her again. He wanted to see this. He slid a finger inside of her, added a second one quickly as he could feel she was already ready for it. Staying inside of her he used his thumb to rub her clit and she soon sounded like she'd run a mile in fast pace. Every now and then he leaned down to tease her nipples with his teeth or grant her a quick dance with their tongues.

He couldn't wait to go down on her, taste what he felt, or to put himself inside of her. He'd longed for this for so long now and here it was, that threshold that had seemed invincible.

They'd been at it for a while now, her breath had picked up but now it seemed to have leveled out. She was still excited, grinding up against his hand even but he could tell when she seemed to register she'd reached a level that seemed hard to pass.

"Just relax," he whispered and started kissing her again.

He pulled his hand up, rolled over on his other elbow and shoved his other hand down inside her pants quickly to not lose momentum. Knowing her clit was her most sensitive spot as long as he was outside of her he focused on that, using his middle finger to be able to plant the other fingers as a steady base as he picked up pace. Her hand had sneaked down between them as well and she stroked his member through his boxers.

"Just… get inside of me," she breathed.

He played with her tongue while contemplating her suggestion. _Maybe he should? He knew what position gave her most pleasure, maybe he should just try that instead? _

She was inside his boxers now, folding her fingers around his thick base and jerking him off.

"Just do it," she moaned inside his mouth.

He could feel her smile against his mouth as he pulled out his hand from her pants. He got up on his knee so he could use both hands to get her pants off and she helped out by raising her hips. While pulling her jeans he threw glances up to her face. He still worried she was too drunk but she looked eager. She looked willing, she was slipping off her bra and tossing it to the side. _He wasn't going too far too fast was he?_

Doubt was starting to creep in but watching her spread her legs for him once her jeans was off and her hands reaching for him blew all reservations away and he planted himself between her legs. Her mouth was still as eager as before once he caught it. He felt her nails roam his back and he grabbed large fists of her hair as he rubbed his hips against hers.

"Get. Inside. Me," she moaned in to his mouth and one of his hands moved down between them so he could bring himself out of his boxers. He wasted no time once he was free from the confining fabric, pushed himself inside of her and swallowed the gasp she uttered. Two times he withdrew himself only to drive himself right back inside and each time she gasped in to his mouth. He separated himself from her slightly so he could get a good look of her. Her expression was a bit blank but her cheeks still rosy and lips still swollen.

He was already out of breath but nodded down at her to make sure she was okay. She nodded back, sucking in her lower lip briefly. He was unsure what the blank expression meant and stayed separated from her as he started moving in and out of her slowly. He stroke the side of her face gently, kept wishing for some sort of reaction but couldn't quite stop moving in and out of her.

"You okay?" he finally had to ask while keeping the momentum going. It looked like she nodded but he wasn't sure if that was his doing while moving in and out of her.

"Amanda?" he whispered. Her hands had been still over his shoulders for a while but now she used one hand to pull him down to her mouth again and she sucked in his tongue in a way that made his mind go. He lay back down on top of her and reached down to lift one of her legs up further around his hip knowing he could reach a certain spot that way. She locked her foot around him all while reaching up to the bedpost to brace herself against the heavy thrusts she knew was coming. He tried to separate himself once more though but then she quickly pulled him down and caught his lip between her teeth and it set of a more rapid stream of thrusts. He tried to control himself though, he knew he was close to coming if he kept this speed up.

"I want you to come with me," he whispered in to her mouth as she let his lip go.

Briefly he felt her nails dig in to the back of his neck but then her hand slipped down. He soon felt her grab for one of his hands, latching on to two of his fingers and pulling it with her. He let her have it and felt the back of his rough hand rub against her soft skin as she pulled it in-between them. He was a little unsure what he was doing, head clouded by how he felt inside of her and his tongue dancing around hers, but he felt her place his palm against her chest. She kept pulling it upwards though. All he still felt was pleasure and he enjoyed how her hand wrapped on top of his. What she next whispered though tilted everything.

"Choke me."

When he tried to separate from her she held him down with a steady hand around his neck and she again sucked in his tongue to the point it almost hurt. She had her foot wrapped around his waist, also holding him in place and even though he knew he was double her size and weight he couldn't stop himself from moving in and out of her. He did try to get his hand off her neck but she held that in place as well.

"Choke me," she repeated quickly so she could latch on to his lip.

"No," he mumbled but the way she grinded up against him made his head spin and he couldn't control himself. He loosened up his fingers that had momentarily wrapped harder around her throat but she kept pushing, stroking down his fingers again. He managed to tear his mouth off her but that left the side of his face open to her and she gnawed down on his skin, her tongue slipped by his ear.

"You'll make me come," she whispered and the hot air brushing against his ear drove him insane.  
"No," he managed to whisper but he was still moving in and out of her.  
"Make me come," she whispered, pushing him down against her.

She had to let him go so she could brace herself against the headboard, the way he pumped her risked her head getting pounded soon. With some leverage between them he managed to turn to look at her again and the way she smiled at him… biting down hard on her own lip she smiled mischievously at him. She was pressing his hand down hard around her own throat.

"I want to come," she begged with that smile still playing across her face, "Choke me."

Every fiber in his body told him this was wrong but he was too far gone and without really knowing what he was doing he saw his own fingers squeeze around her throat as her hand fell to the side. Her eyes rolled back in to her head again with a mix of pain and pleasure. He wanted to let go but instead he found his other hand grabbing a fist of her hair and he dug deeper inside of her searching for that spot he knew she had deep within. He could feel her trying to swallow underneath his palm and it tore inside of him but he couldn't let go. He knew he would come at any second but managed to hold on until he felt her walls close in around him. He heard a familiar sound slip up her throat and her body started shivering, and with that he let go.

He came in several forceful pumps which had his hand and her head crashing against the headboard. He had her face in sight during all of it and it scared him to death. He couldn't hold back all while watching tears run down the side of her face, her mouth open as she fought for air caused by his hand wrapped too tightly around her throat. He couldn't wait for it to be over but his body was rigid, nature taking its course and he feared she'd be dead before he could let go of her. The moment he was able to control his body again he let her throat go, followed by him pulling out of her and scrambling to his knees.

With his hand still in the form of a choke hold in the air in front of him he watched her cough and chip for air.

"Fuck," he yelled once he was able to utter a single word. He still couldn't, or didn't want to, grasp what had just happened.

Amanda had been clutching her chest a little, folded to one side but started to relax back down on the bed as more air was getting down to her lungs. Watching her he thought he saw the imprint he'd made around her neck and it upset him even more.

"For fuck sake," he yelled having to do something with his hand and swiped it over his damp scalp.

Now Amanda started laughing. He wasn't sure but between gasps it did look and sound as though she was laughing, finding this very amusing. It made him feel even more offended and he pulled his boxers back over himself to at least not feel so exposed.

"Don't do that," he said, his voice still loud.  
"I'm fine," she croaked, her voice obviously affected by him just choking her.  
"It's not _fine_," he yelled getting up off the bed.

Amanda looked a little less amused but there was still a hint of a smile on her face. She made no attempt to cover herself up and just stayed on her back on the bed looking at him.

"You can't fucking do this Amanda," he yelled clutching a fist in the air and feeling the need to punch something.  
"Amanda?" she chuckled and rolled slightly to the side. He gave her a glare but couldn't stand seeing her right now and turned his back to her.

"This is sick," he yelled bursting out of the room leaving a fist mark on the wall right by the door.

Not knowing where to go he headed for the bathroom and slammed the door shut so hard the walls shivered. He swiped a pile of towels and some other things off a shelf and they fell all over the floor. He growled loudly but quiet down the moment he caught his own reflection in the mirror. _What the fuck had just happened? _He suddenly felt sick to his stomach but managed to hold it in. Feeling the need for a shower he more or less ripped his boxers off and stepped inside. The water felt good but it couldn't rinse off the shame and disgust he felt. He brought the shower hose down with him to the cold tile floor and with it clutched to his chest he started crying for the very first time in a long time.

Out in the bedroom Amanda still hadn't made any attempt to cover herself up but she had rolled over on her side, folding her legs slightly. She was staring blankly ahead, mind just as blank but tears slowly dripping from the corner of her eye, forming an ever expanding stain on the sheet underneath her.

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"_It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head_." ~ **Sally Kempton**


	16. Chapter 16: Fallout

I just wanted to thank those of you who reviewed, I couldn't be more grateful. I've also recieved some praise for **My Own Army** lately and I'm really grateful and overwhelmed by that as well. You're too kind. XO  
I did get some questions in some review and I don't want to get too personal on here, I already feel like I'm giving out a lot of myself just by putting this fic out there ;) but I've felt from the very start of SVU.02 that I can relate very well to Amanda. I have obviously taken her rather far out of character in these two fics but I think her core is at least somewhat the same. She's very relatable to me and I do share some experiences with her but I feel it important to say my mom has never ever abused me. My mom is nothing like mrs Rollins. Thankfully.

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**Chapter 16: Fallout**

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_The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering_ ~ **Ben Okri**

* * *

They had the weekend off. Well from SVU, Amanda still had to go out on her assignment that Saturday afternoon. For once Fin could actually not wait for her to get out of their apartment. They hadn't said much to each other since last night. They'd spent the night on opposite sides of the bed, turned away from each other. It had taken him ages to relax enough to finally fall asleep. Judging by her breathing she stayed awake for quite some time too.

She'd made breakfast once he woke up. It wasn't laid up on plates or anything but he still knew she'd put in an effort and even though he was still a little sick to his stomach he'd served himself some eggs and ham on a newly baked roll. She'd been bunked up on the couch, neither one of them uttering a good morning. It was nothing good about this morning and they both knew it.

He'd stayed in the kitchen while eating and then gone down for a shower. She'd popped in her head as he was getting dressed and let him know he had a message from Ken on the land line. He said _thanks_ but couldn't quite look at her, something she obviously registered and she withdrew to her bedroom. Later on he would see her by her bed with a book in her lap and he noted she was in a turtle neck. She usually never wore turtle necks around the house and it stung him to know the reason behind the abnormally probably was that he'd made marks on her that she tried to cover up.

He dodged a call from Liv, muted it and let it just ring. A bit later he would get a text from her but the invitation to have lunch with her and Eli felt like something impossible right now.

He tried occupying his mind with the bloodiest war game he owned and it worked for most parts. When his stomach started growling he went in to the kitchen to make an omelet. He did give it some thought but then whisked together enough ingredients for two omelets. Once he was done he went down the hall, gave her door a soft knock as he could tell she was wrapped up in whatever book she was reading.

"I've made an omelet for you if you're hungry," he said with his eyes somewhere near her. He still couldn't fully commit to looking straight at her, it hurt too much.

"Thanks," she said looking up but he'd left before he even had a chance to see the sadness that draped her face when she could tell he wouldn't even look at her.

He took his omelet with him to the couch and ate while starting up a new game. He registered her out of the corner of his eye as she came sneaking out. He'd left her omelet in the pan to keep some heat in case she came out. He hadn't been sure she would come out seeing how she rather pass on eating lately, and maybe he would've preferred that she stayed away today out of all days.

He tried to not pay her any attention but he still heard her get herself a plate and then the low scraping of the spatula against the pan. He felt a bit of relief once he heard the tall chair by the counter get pulled out, he preferred to keep her at a safe distance right now. Even though he tried really hard focusing on the game he heard everything she did. Her fork, or maybe knife, against the plate every now and then. How she got off the chair and over to the fridge. A soda can opening. Her chair as she sat down again. That utensil scraping very low against the plate again. He wanted nothing to do with her yet he couldn't keep from listening for every sound she made.

She sat at the counter for quite a while but when he heard her use the bin he moaned silently to himself and was pretty certain most of her food had gone down the trash as usual. _What was even the point of him trying to cook for her? They had people starving in this country and she wasted food? Not cool._ Still he felt some sadness once he, again out of the corner of his eye, saw her slip back down to the bedrooms. Once he knew she was around the corner he turned and looked after her with a heavy sigh. _What the hell was he supposed to do with all this? _

It didn't take so long until she came back out. He sneaked a glance once she stopped by the kitchen and he registered she'd swopped her sweatpants for a pair of jeans, different color from last night though. He was back watching the TV screen once she took a few steps in to the living area.

"Okay so I'm off," she said quietly.

"Okay," he mumbled trying to focus on the game, or at least seem focused on it.

She lingered for a bit, her eyes going over to the TV screen as well but coming back to throw him hesitant looks.

"I dunno how late I'll be," she said.

This time he just nodded. He felt a slight anger now and he had to bite his tongue to not say anything stupid like "try not to beat the shit out of someone tonight". The longer she lingered there though the more inclined he became to say something rash.

"I'm sorry Fin," she said quietly and it was all it took for his anger to wash away.

Once he looked at her she'd already turned and started walking towards the door. He wanted to say something but he wasn't sure what and it left him just sitting there mute. He watched her, not once did she throw a glance back at him and once the door was closed between them he felt like crying again.

**She knew she was early** but she planned to walk most of the way to IAB. She had to get out of there. She was great at suppressing things but with another person present that constantly reminded you of what you'd done it was harder. And especially hard if that person was the one that meant everything to you. She felt so bad for dragging him down with her. Down to that gutter that was her permanent residence right now it seemed. She feared she wouldn't be able to make it up to him. She knew he was forgiving and usually didn't hold grudges for long. But this was a bad one. She knew she'd really hurt him this time and she wasn't sure if she would be able to mend what she'd broken. And that thought was just devastating. She picked up the pace to try and get out of her head. The last thing she wanted, or needed to do right now was start crying.

She still had time to kill as she was getting closer and she ducked in to a bar a few blocks from Tucker's IAB office. It was too early to be crowded but the usual bums were situated at the bar and she gained their attention as anyone walking in now was a possibility for something out of the ordinary happening. She didn't hesitate but walked up to the bar immediately and ordered a shot.

"Hold on," she said once the bartender had poured amber liquid in a small shot glass. The bartender's eyes expanded slightly as he watched her down the glass and then point to it again once it was back down on the bar. Amanda frowned slightly and smacked her lips a few times, the medicine wasn't necessary tasty but she could already feel it was working. She downed the second shot just as quickly, got some bills up and waited for the bartender to give her a nod that the amount was sufficient enough.

"Thanks," she said with a hoarse voice brought on by the strong liquid and made her way back outside again.

Walking in to Tucker's building didn't feel as bad now. Cassidy was already in Tucker's office once she got up there. She had thought Tucker would be livid with her but maybe Brian's presence made him hold his tongue? Either way Amanda was just pleased to miss a scolding she'd held for certain.

"You got your wire on?" Tucker said with his head in some papers.  
"Uhm yeah," she said, "Just need to flip it on."

Cassidy was standing not far from her and she turned to him.

"Could you help me?" she asked pulling her top out of her jeans.

Cassidy looked a little stunned and shot Tucker a look but he still had his head down.

"Just flip it on?" Amanda said casually and pulled her top up exposing her front with her bra and all.

Tucker had finally looked up, his expression stayed blank. Cassidy shot him another anxious look though but at the same time took a step closer to Amanda. Tucker's eyes went out to the corridor briefly, he knew they were close to alone in here on a Saturday though and his eyes quickly went back to checking out what the detective was flaunting so candidly. He even closed his file so he could give her all his attention.

Cassidy held her eyes as he stepped closer to her, he wasn't sure what he saw in her look? _Was she playing with him? Or daring him? Was she teasing him? _

"Wire's by the wire," she said raising an eyebrow at him.

She didn't really have to tell him as he could spot it through the thin silk fabric. She seemed to think he was weak somehow and it made him a little more assertive, still his hand shivered slightly as he reached up aiming for underneath her breast. Of course he fumbled slightly, found it hard to get to the flip without having to raise her bra too much. He had to bend down to get a better look at what he was doing and he ended up dangerously close to that alluring fabric that he could tell hid a nipple just underneath.

Tucker was watching the exchange with a slight humorous look over his face now. He did wish he'd been assigned the task but watching it from a slight distance was surprisingly entertaining. _Funny how a little bit of flesh could brighten up having to work on a Saturday. _

"Done," Cassidy said trying straightening up quickly and removed his hands just as quickly.  
"Thanks," Amanda smiled and he even thought he detected a slight wink.  
"Okay," Tucker said clearing his throat and trying to wipe the smirk off his face, "Since we are starting early today maybe you could try going easy on the drinks today. Seems you have a tendency to become a little brash when hitting the bottle too hard."  
"No problem boss," Amanda said flippant and leaned back against Tucker's desk as she checked her top was tucked in properly again. Tucker smirked again.

"Still no word from Joel?" Tucker said turning to Cassidy.  
"He's meeting us there," Cassidy informed him.  
"Oh right, okay then, let's head out," Tucker said and brought some of the files with him as he more or less drove the company out of there, he was planning on reading up on some other smaller cases as he sat in the car.

He knew Miller was working today but something told him he wouldn't make contact with Amanda just yet. In some aspects Tucker thought he had Miller pegged as he saw similarities to himself in Miller. He thought he had a good handle on how Miller operated and if it was Tucker he would let the attack on Holland cool for yet another few days.

**Tucker sent in Cassidy** and Amanda together. Tucker didn't think it would hurt if people saw them together from time to time, they were after all hanging out regularly at the same bar these days. Amanda quickly found some other guys to hang with though. They were all heading to a bbq later on though and she wished she could've accepted the invite to join them. A bbq sounded fun, she wasn't sure when she'd been on one last.

She was stuck in that bar though and soon had to say good bye to those nice blokes. She'd kept to a single beer for over an hour, ordered a soda last she was up at the bar. She looked around the bar, it was really dead in there. _Weird for a Saturday_ she thought to herself and sat down on a high chair by the bar and scanned the room. She saw some familiar faces but no one she'd ever talked to and she ended up just leaning back against the bar.

She sat up slightly though as Miller suddenly walked in to the bar. Tucker hadn't given her any warning and Cassidy, sitting over by the window, tried to hide his surprised look. Miller glanced her way but then headed straight for his regular spot by the bar. Amanda had a taste of her soda while she tried to calm herself down. All of a sudden she felt flushed. Images of Holland's body on the ground flashed before her eyes and she started to feel sick to her stomach. She had to get out of her own head or she'd make herself sick. She downed the rest of the soda and got up from her chair. She moved a couple of chairs down as she tried to get the bartender's attention. She asked James for a beer and while waiting glanced Miller's way. She caught the slight head butt towards the chair next to him and when she'd gotten her bottle she climbed up on the chair next to him. No one said anything for a bit.

"You alright?" Miller finally asked.

Amanda nodded and shot him a quick smile before she went back to tasting her beer. Her mixed emotions towards Miller were resurfacing. On one hand he scared her with those dark eyes and that stern look that had a tendency to slant towards condescending. And she knew from his actions, that she now knew for a fact could be violent, that he had some deep dark impulses buried inside. On the other hand though she felt the need for his approval. Something made her just want him to accept her and… _hug her_. Looking at his distinct profile out of the corner of her eye she feared she was actually attracted to him.

"You?" she managed to ask but when he looked at her she feared she wasn't making any sense, that she'd waited too long to return the question that he didn't get she just wanted to know how he was doing.

"I'm okay. Thanks," he said after a few long moments though and she was able to breathe again.

They went quiet again but now she didn't feel as tense as before. A couple of guys walked in and one of them loudly declared he would buy the first round and while the pleased bunch went further in he walked up beside Amanda. He swapped a few words with James who seemed to recognize him and then he put in his order. He wanted beer and shots. While waiting he started glancing Amanda's way and they exchange a brief smile and a hi. She got the sense he wanted to start up a conversation but then she caught the guy's eyes drifting past her a few times and the guy started looking a little frightened to the point he finally turned slightly away from her. Amanda threw a glance Miller's way but only caught the side of his face as he turned his head as well. Amanda couldn't help but smile. She figured Miller must've scared the guy off just by looking at him and it made her feel good he seemed protective of her. It was something she wished her dad might've done had they ever been given the chance to sit like this by a bar drinking beer side by side.

"So you got any plans for tonight?" Amanda asked feeling encouraged.  
"I have this birthday party I have to attend," Miller said sounding less thrilled.  
"One of those," Amanda said not really sure what she meant but Miller seemed to get it as he nodded.  
"Free bar I hope," she said and Miller actually let out a chuckle.  
"Not these cheapskates," Miller grunted and had some more beer.  
"Then I hope you can get out of there quickly," Amanda said and followed his lead.  
"You and me both," Miller said and then seemed to have to swallow a burp.

"Sorry," he said but Amanda waved it off. _So polite_. They went back to sitting quiet. Amanda refrained from even looking his way as another man decided to order right by her side.

"Speaking of plans…" she said once the guy had walked off with his order. She waited until she got Miller's eyes on her.  
"Got some that I could join?"

She did her best to not move a muscle as Miller studied her intensely. When he looked away she feared she'd failed whatever test he'd subjected her to.

"You sure?" he asked though with his head turned slightly away.  
"Yes," she said short but decisive.

He glanced by her again but said nothing for a while. Then he suddenly looked straight at her and she both feared and admired those eyes of his pinning her down.

"I'm not saying you did bad, you didn't," he said seriously, "but you need to work on your self-control. You need to be able to restrain yourself even when you feel overwhelmed."

He turned away just as abruptly but she couldn't tear her eyes off him. He'd missed a few thick straws high up on his right cheek, not far from that ear with just as dark but not as thick straws that were curling their way out in to the light.

"I know," she said swallowing nervously, "I know I struggle with that. I'll do better. I promise."

He looked back over at her, held her eyes for a few seconds and then nodded before he turned away again. _Did that mean he approved of her? Did he think there was hope for her yet? _

"I have to head out," he suddenly said and slid out of his chair. _Already?_ she wanted to say but bit her lip. He hadn't even gotten half way through his first beer. _Maybe he'd only been there to see her?_ She wanted him to stay but the thought that he might've been there just for her warmed her.

"I'll be in touch," he said zipping up his jacket.  
"Great," she said although she wanted to ask questions like _when_ and _how_. _Did she have to hang out at the bar or could he reach her somewhere else?_ She was afraid to ask all of them though, didn't want to mess things up by seeming too eager.

"Have fun," she said instead, "Well as fun as your wallet allows you…"

Miller smiled and then cocked his head good bye. She followed him out with her eyes and then as long as she could as he passed the street and headed east.

"_Good job_," came Tucker's voice in her ear, "_Perfectly played_."

That warm feeling continued as she turned back to the bar. _Miller approved. Tucker approved. At least some people liked her right now. _Fin popped up in her thoughts but she quickly pushed him out and had another taste of her beer.

"_Okay sit pretty for a while longer and then head out to me one by one. Joel you can head home when you feel like it_," Tucker let them all know.

Amanda got company by the bar just as James cleared Miller's abandoned glass and she stayed to chat with him while emptying her bottle. Meanwhile both Joel and Cassidy slipped out which she only noticed once her bottle was empty. She wished the guy she'd talked to a good evening and waved good bye to James behind the bar.

Once she reached Tucker's car she slipped in to the backseat even though the passenger seat was free. Tucker looked a little stiff and slightly disapproving as he turned to face the two detectives in the back.

"So that was good," he said looking at both of them but then focusing on Amanda.  
"So I guess we're in for another week of hanging at the bar. You up for that?"

She was surprised to even get the question and nodded.

"I have a baseball game with my son tomorrow though so if you don't mind…"

Amanda shook her head. She didn't mind a day off but she would have to find a way to get out of the house as she couldn't stand the thought of Fin avoiding her or forcing him to avoid her in his own home. She was also surprised to see this… _gentle_? side of Tucker. _Where did this come from? Was he feeling guilty about Wednesday? Leaving her alone in the alley? _

"Okay so how about I treat you guys to a, I guess, very early dinner but still. I think we deserve some food after a good day's work," Tucker said grinning from ear to ear.

Amanda exchanged a quick glance with Cassidy, he looked as startled as she felt.

"I'm actually… Benson wanted me to meet up with her," Amanda lied. She cursed herself for not coming up with a better lie though.  
"You're going to rat me out?" Tucker said his grin vanishing as he heard Benson's name. Amanda shook her head.  
"No need to, I got… nothing to _rat_ about," Amanda said, again cursing herself for stumbling on her words.  
"You sure? I'm offering free food here, I'll throw in a drink if it will win you over," Tucker tried.  
"I'm… sorry, _grateful_ for the invite but I really should call her," Amanda said.  
"Okay then, your loss," Tucker said throwing his hand in the air. He looked as though he was about to sit back but caught himself and turned back towards her.

"I should probably take that wire then, you don't want me listening in right," Tucker said and she was happy he'd reminded her as she wasn't sure when she' would've thought of it otherwise.

When he just kept staring at her though she had a feeling he might just be after looking at her front again. She tried to keep the suspicions at bay and tried digging under her top without revealing too much. She caught a look on Tucker's face while she worked to get the wire out and his eyes were planted well below her eyes but still she tried to tell herself he wasn't after anything. Cassidy had peeked over but also been looking at Tucker and it was mostly when following his eyes he ended up on the detective's bare stomach for a second time today.

She handed him the wire and the ear piece when she was done and when asked where he could drive her she told him to just drop her by the nearest subway station, she had to give Benson a ring as she hadn't been sure when she would get off today. She thanked Tucker for the ride even though it was short and affirmed she heard him tell her to check in early Monday to set a time for later that day.

She headed to the entrance to the platform but stopped her decline the moment Tucker's car had drove off far enough. She turned to walk back up the stairs and apologized to a woman she bumped in to. She just took in the warm autumn air once she was back on the street, tried to orient herself and then chose a street to head down. She really had no idea where she was going, all she knew was that she didn't want to go home yet.

Her mind immediately drifted to Sierra and she thought about going to see her. _She would bring flowers this time, and chocolate, she knew how much Sierra loved chocolate. But without Fin as her backbone she got a little scared. What if he wouldn't pay for Sierra's treatment now? What if she'd ruined it both for herself and for Sierra? What if he hated her so much he didn't want to help her out ever again? Maybe she would have to take care of Sierra herself? That was really what she should do, his job wasn't to take care of her or her friends._

While walking aimlessly she thought about what she could do to help Sierra. She came back to Okeke in every trail of thought that went through her mind. Okeke had to be caught and it was only one person she could think of that could help her with that.

When she reached Chou-Chou it wasn't dark enough for the neon letters to be impressive or even pretty. The entrance just looked dull and uninviting and she had to take a few deep breaths before she crossed the street. She made sure the collar of her jacket was up as high as possible. She couldn't see any suspicious vehicles on the street but she still worried Okeke was staking out the place. Once she made up her mind to walk inside she did so rapidly and the guard who'd sneaked across the room to have a look on something or maybe someone on stage, looked at her suspiciously.

She opened up the jacket to not look like she was hiding something underneath but she didn't feel like leaving it in the wardrobe and kept it on. The guard didn't seem interested in frisking her but instead held up the swing door for her.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she passed him.

She scanned the room quickly. Dim lit but the light from the stage made it easy to estimate the round figure of guests. Mostly singles so far, she'd beaten the party goers of Saturday night here. The mostly naked girl on the stage had the attention of the men on the floor, while a rowdier group of men at the bar seemed more interested in a basketball game on a TV screen, she figured it was some preseason game but she was a little out of the loop right now.

A waitress spotted Amanda and came over.

"Can I get you something hun?" she asked with a bright smile.

Amanda just stared at her for a bit, she suddenly felt in need of an entire bottle of booze but when even Tucker gave you advice on staying sober maybe you should listen.

"Is Anton around?"  
"You're looking for Anton?" the waitress asked and Amanda nodded.

The waitress immediately looked at her a little different and eyed her from head to two like she sized her up for a stage costume before she told Amanda to wait. Amanda kept the waitress in sight and watched her approach another waitress. They both looked over Amanda's way once the first waitress had stopped talking. Amanda tried to not make it too obvious she was eyeing them. The second waitress nodded and then took off behind the bar.

Amanda stepped to the side as a man passed her, he eyed her intensely and didn't try to hide it. At any other time she might've challenged his look but right now she was busy trying to work up courage to confront Anton so she turned her eyes towards the stage instead. The girl on stage looked bored. Having watched her for only a few seconds though Amanda got a suspicion she wasn't bored but high on something that made her drowsy. Her eyes were vacant and her moves seemed delayed somehow.

"Hi," someone said to her right and Amanda jumped slightly. The second waitress had approached her without Amanda noticing.  
"He's on his way here," she smiled, "He told me to bring you backstage so if you come with me…"

The waitress made sure Amanda tagged along. Backstage looked different from last time she'd seen it. The walls were stripped and the long, set table gone. If it weren't for the sex swing, the pole in the middle of the room and some other extravagant and equivocal contraptions it could pass as a regular room for something like aerobics. With the loss of wall coverage the waitress heels generated an echo that seemed out of beat with the low pumping music from the stage outside.

Going down the corridor Amanda expected to be led to Anton's office but were a bit shocked as the waitress opened up the door to one of the VIP rooms.

"He wanted you to wait here," the waitress said and gestured to Amanda to step inside when she wasn't moving. Amanda swallowed hard, fought the uncomfortable feeling and finally stepped inside.

"You got drinks and things over by that wall," the waitress said and gestured.

Amanda threw a quick glance but then took a step closer to the door as the waitress was about to shut it between them.

"Will he be long?" Amanda asked without being able to hide her distress.  
"I don't really know how long it will take him but he'll be here," the waitress smiled and then closed the door.

Amanda stared at the door, ready to really freak out if she heard a key getting turned. She heard nothing but still had to check but gave it a few seconds so the waitress would have time to walk off. The amount of relief she felt when the door easily slid open as she turned the knob was huge. She had a quick peek outside, couldn't spot anyone and then closed the door again.

She put her hands in her sides feeling a need to air her armpits a little and looked around the room. A red loveseat, three single chairs stacked up on each other and a small bar. The walls were painted black and there was a funky smell in the room. Musty. Smoke maybe? The narrow windows up by the roof were also painted black but the paint had dried and cracked and since the sun was still up rays broke through and shed light on the small dust particles hanging in the air. The only other light came from rows of stripped light bulbs that went around the room. If it wasn't for the natural light this room might've come across as somewhat sexy and alluring. She didn't need the natural light to see through it though. She knew if they lit this room with UV light they would probably find dicey stains all over and for that reason she went nowhere near that couch.

She had a look at the contents of the bar, thought about pouring herself a glass of straight vodka but managed to steer herself to a can of the orange drink mix instead. She paced the room for a bit while checking her watch every now and then. Thirty minutes later she was ready to head out of there, the walls started to close in on her once the natural light started to fade but she grabbed one of the single chairs and tried to force herself to stay by sitting down. _She had to talk to Anton_.

She looked to the door as she thought she heard perhaps voices further down the hall. She soon heard another door open though and it didn't take long until some soft pumping music was heard from next doors. She went over to put her ear closer to the wall and she heard the soft murmur of voices and every now and then a female giggling. She knew exactly what went on next door and it made her skin crawl. She started to feel disgusted knowing what things she'd done in a room just like these ones.

The rule was you couldn't touch or be touched but that rule was almost never followed and there were even times when she'd been told to give _extra service_. You never really knew what that meant, it all depended on the customer. For most of them it meant just that, _touching_, but still with the clothes on. It was common that the guest jerked off but kept it hidden but the special customers took it for granted they could whip it out and jerk off openly while you danced. And for most parts those customers wasn't satisfied with that, she'd lost count on how many times she'd been down on her knees in one of those VIP rooms. She'd learnt to block it mentally, just go through the motion all while thinking about how good it would feel to bring down Mayhem. She would-

The door suddenly opened up and she spun around to find herself locking eyes with Anton. He looked even more pleased when he realized what she'd been up to over by that wall.

"Fancy seeing you back here," he grinned, "You want to keep listening in or you wanna go in to my office?"

She didn't feel like answering him and just moved towards him. He refused to step out of the way though. Behind him she spotted two beefy looking men, none of them Andy. She feared for a second they would all come in there, that they wouldn't let her leave and all sorts of nasty scenarios flashed through her mind.

"I think I need to frisk you no?" Anton said with a smirk. Amanda moaned but it just amused Anton even more as he spread her jackets to the sides.

"I'm not wearing a wire right now," she said as his hands started moving around her waist.  
"I don't think I can trust you," Anton smirked as he came even closer to her as his hands went up her back.

She tried to keep her face somewhat to the side as she didn't want come too close to his mouth. His hands came up around her bra strap and his fingers searched her wire.

"What's with the granny top?" he asked with a raised eyebrow as his hands made circles around her breasts. She could feel he wasn't looking for a wire any longer.

"You done?" she asked with a less amused face but he just smirked as fingers brushed over her nipples.  
"One more round I think," he teased, "to make sure," and he let his hands go around her body again.

Going up between her shoulder blades he pushed her up against him and then let his hands go down her spine and down over her ass. He cupped her butt cheeks, pressing her up against his crotch and then he came up around to her front again. Once his hands cupped her breasts and he squeezed them she had enough and stepped back.

"Okay, no wire guys, she's clean," Anton said with a smile over his shoulder but kept his eyes on her.  
"If you come with me my lady," Anton said courteously and made a wide gesture for her to pass him.

The guys out in the corridor stepped aside to give her room. She didn't recognize these guys, she figured Anton had hired them as he might be scared of Okeke. She walked further down the hallway. She'd felt Anton's presence right behind her but soon she could really feel him as his hand came in under her ponytail and he let his fingers rest at her hairline. It was a light touch but the gesture was all that invasive, he felt entitled to put his hand where he wanted on her and it annoyed her.

The door was closed and apparently locked as Anton dug out a set of keys. He let her enter ahead of him and then closed the door leaving the two men outside. He tossed his keys on his desk and then went around to get a bottle and two glasses from his desk drawer. He poured her a glass without asking if she wanted it and then expected her to come fetch it when he held it out towards her. She refused to though, the small battles were important to her and she didn't care about the irritated look he gave her. He shook his head putting down the bottle on the desk and then came over with the glass to her. He more or less shoved it in her gut so she had to take it.

"So…" he started and grabbed one of his hands so he could pull her with him further to the desk. It seemed he wanted to sit down slightly against it and once he'd done that he let her go.

"…what brings you here?" he said and had a taste of his drink.  
"Come to pay your debt to me maybe," he suggested when she still hadn't said anything once he'd swallowed.

He looked amused as she frowned. She had a taste of her drink and the strong liquid gave her some well needed courage.

"Let me help you get rid of Okeke."

Anton's face clouded over.

"I'm not a snitch," he moaned and shook his head at her.  
"Don't see it like that, you're getting rid of competition and we both know it's just a matter of time before he goes down, better sooner than later right?" she said and took a step closer to him leaving their legs touching.

She put a hand on his chest as well, the gesture felt sloppy and forced to her but he didn't seem to take it that way and put his hand over hers, letting his fingers caress hers in what could've been a very sweet gesture had they been in a different scenario.

"You looking out for me and my business," he said with a raised eyebrow.  
"It's in both our interest to get rid of Okeke," she said quietly.  
"Your friend?" he suggested and she nodded.  
"How is she?" he asked and she was surprised at how genuinely concerned he seemed.

She didn't feel as repulsed by his touch any longer.

"She's… okay. Safe, for now," she said keeping it a little cryptic for good reasons.  
"That's good," Anton said and finished his drink.

He let her go so he could turn to refill his glass and she let her hand drop and took a step back. She watched him over the rim of her glass as she had another taste. _She had to remind herself he was just like Okeke, he was just like his father, and he probably could care less for a working girl like Sierra._

"So I tell you where he's at, if I can find out, and then what? You can promise me he won't know it was me who set him up?"

She nodded.

"I know someone I could tell it to and he would never know it was you who gave me the info, my name wouldn't even be in the investigation either."  
"Well I have enough dirt on you to trust you but I'm not sure I trust your dude as much as you seem to…"  
"He doesn't ask questions, all they are interested in is taking down Okeke. They already have people testifying against him, now all they need is Okeke."

Anton still looked doubtful as he watched her.

"C'mon Anton, you know you want to get rid of him…" she tried.

She started to worry she would have to use different tactics and she had another mouthful to build herself up to be more flirtatious. She wouldn't have to though as he suddenly got up and walked over to the door.

"I'll be right back," he mumbled and disappeared behind the closed door. She quickly downed the last of her drink so she could put her glass down and wipe her sweaty palms against her jeans. _He had to work with her. She had to get Okeke behind bars. _

She jumped slightly as he reentered but tried to cover it up by flashing him a smile. He gave her a wink as he came back over to the desk. He noticed her empty glass and refilled it. While at it he poured himself a little more and then again shoved the glass at her.

"So… you're going to tell me where I can find him?" she asked a little nervously as he kept silent and just leaned back against his desk again with his glass attached to his lip.

"Maybe," he answered cryptically, "We'll see what I can do, we have to wait, kill some time…" His eyes went down her body and she had to do her best to not cringe.  
"I'm not sticking around if you can't help me find Okeke," she said and was about to put her glass down so she could head out of there.  
"Hey hey," he said and looked amused by her little tantrum.

He'd grabbed a hold of her wrist but she pulled it back almost spilling liquid on herself as she did. He put the palm of his free hand up in the air as to let her know he was no threat. She just kept glaring at him.

"Don't be like this… Shay," he smiled. His hand reached up towards her face but she pulled back.  
"C'mon," he whispered and kept trying to touch her face. He finally had enough of it and like some cobra got his hand around the back of her neck and he pulled her close. She kept trying to push him off her but he held her too tight.

"Hey," he shouted. Faces so close his spit landed on her face. She stopped struggling but kept her hands, one still holding on to the glass, pressed against his chest to keep him off her.

"My guys are on it," he said through gritted teeth. It hurt her eyes trying to keep focus on him while being that close but it was the least of her concerns right now.  
"You just have to wait and I will give you what you came here for," he said still holding on to her as firmly but his voice softening slightly.  
"Okay?" he said and she started to relax a little.

He saw his chance and forced his mouth on her, he parted her lips quickly and pushed himself inside of her. She started struggling again though and finally he let her go, starting to snicker but then looked a little offended as she tried to wipe him off her face as she backed up from him. They glared at each other over the glasses as they both had a drink. She washed her mouth out with the liquid before she swallowed and meanwhile he walked around his desk and sat down. He put down his glass and checked some post-its that someone had left on his desk. He looked bothered by one of the notes that he one after the other crumbled and tossed in what she imagined was a bin behind his desk. She grew tired of looking at him, finished her glass and put it down on his desk before she turned her back on him.

"Help yourself to a refill," he said behind her back but she ignored him.

Instead she walked up to one of his walls that held several photo frames. She spotted many of Anton surrounded by what couldn't be anything but ladies of the night. They all flocked around him and he looked very much in the center of the photo and she imagined it was an accurate account of reality. She spotted two NFL players in a photo, Anton in the middle with arms over their shoulders while all three smiled in to the camera. _They seemed to be in a club or maybe it was a private party? _Either way she thought of telling it to Fin but got sad when she realized she wouldn't be able to tell him. He wasn't even talking to her right now and might not ever forgive her.

She could almost feel the melancholy spreading throughout her body but it quickly turned to a big lump of concrete in her gut as her eyes travelled over to the next photo on the wall. Anton, again with a big grin and to his left a man with a very similar grin all over his face. And someone very familiar to her. _Gordon_. For a short moment she thought she would actually throw up. Gordon's eyes staring back at her from beyond. Cold sweet was forming down her back and the turtle neck suddenly felt very suffocating but she managed to collect herself. That was until she saw the next photo, this one with just Gordon sitting on a couch flanked by two women. It was only the blond girl who Gordon had his hand on though, his hand too far up on her leg but she didn't seem to mind. She knew all too well though how easy it was to smile on a photo while your inside was dying. Easy but draining. To not get lost in Gordon's vicious glare her eyes wandered to what looked like a dance floor behind him. That's when her heart stopped for a second.

She wanted to be wrong but deep down she knew she wasn't. On the dance floor behind Gordon and the girls she spotted herself. She spotted herself grinding up against a man behind her with her hand on a guy in front of her. She didn't remember that place at all but she had no doubt she was the one pictured in the background. She saw a black woman not far from herself but with her back turned to the camera and she just knew that was Sierra. Now she was sure she was suffocating.

"That's my dad."

Anton's voice right behind her back made her gasp. Anton noticed, smiled at her scares look as she turned her head back and he put his hands on her shoulders.

"My dad Grigory but most knew him as Gordon," Anton said rubbing her shoulders slightly.  
"Oh?" Amanda whispered trying to focus on calming down her breathing.  
"He's my role model. He had such a knack for this business. He was very successful but knew to keep it rather low key," Anton said with proudness in his tone.  
"He's dead right?" Amanda managed to ask.  
"Aha," Anton breathed and for a second she was worried she'd made him sad. But she was wrong. Anton leaned in even closer to her ear and whispered gloating;  
"He left me tons of money, he paid for this place."

Amanda felt disgusted by him and since she also wanted to tear Anton's eyes off the photo with her pictured she moved back down the wall so his hands would drop off her shoulders.

"And these are all snapped here?" she asked and pretended to be interested.  
"Most of them, that one though," Anton pointed to a frame on the top row, "is taken at my house, maybe you'd like to come visit me some time? I got a nice view."  
"Pretty girls," Amanda said to try and steer them away from her visiting his place.  
"I always surround myself with pretty girls, you know that," he said and she could both hear and feel him sneak up closer to her again.

His hand went in underneath her jacket and down her back pocket. She tried to separate herself from him to not get stuck between him and the wall but he had different plans and with his hand still shoved down her pocket he managed to turn her so her back ended up against the wall and him standing right in front of her. Way too easily he'd managed to get her in the one position she didn't want to end up in.

She tried to keep her cool and breathe calmly but it was hard with his proximity. She could feel the frames behind her back moving with every deep breath she took and she was afraid what he'd do if she made one of the frames fall and break. She held her breath as he stroke back a strand of her hair behind her ear, his fingers cold against her flushed skin, following his touch with his eyes only to come back to her eyes and pinning her down with an intense look.

"Look, I know I was a little pissy at you after that… _ride_ with Okeke," he said both sounding and looking honest enough.

He put his light fingers against her chin and then traced her jaw line back and forth slowly.

"I was jealous I guess but I have to say…" he took a pause and let his eyes circle her face and then focus in on her mouth before he continued, "seeing you perform on your knees was hella sexy. You look good on your knees…"

"Gee thanks," she managed to say but it didn't come out as cocky as she would've liked it.

It was enough sass to make Anton chuckle though but he soon wised up.

"Why don't you give me a taste of it," he suggested.

Amanda frowned at him. _He couldn't be serious could he?_

"We got time to kill," he said raising an eyebrow.  
"C'mon," he urged, "you took two black, _and big_, guys in a row making it seem effortless, I'm not saying I'm… less _equipped_ but surely you can do me that favor. Between friends."

She hadn't noticed raising her hands but now she found them on Anton's chest and she tried pushing him off slightly.

"Anton," she complained when he wouldn't budge.  
"Between friends Shay, c'mon," he urged.

He kept smiling but there was nothing funny, or kind, about the hand he put in her hair and it quickly started to hurt as he formed a fist around her ponytail and turned it around his hand for a better grip. A silent struggle erupted where he tried forcing her down and she tried holding herself up by grabbing on to his jacket. She knew she could hit him, knee him in the crotch, but she just wasn't sure she could handle a physical fight right now and the last thing she wanted was to end up at the hospital again having to try and explain what she'd been up to now.

_Maybe it was just better to give in?_ _It would keep him happy for a bit and surely blowjobs was less incriminating than going all the way on an ethical scale. Why even worry, it wasn't like she'd already hit rock bottom dragging Fin down with her_. She felt her knees starting to give way and she just tried to make her mind wander to that comforting place in the back of her mind.

A hard knock on the door interrupted them.

"What?" Anton shouted irritated and stopped with what he was doing. Amanda found herself looking straight in to his crotch, his fingers about to unbutton his pants.

"I got that intel for you boss," a deep male voice was heard from the other side of the door.

Anton moaned loudly but knew the moment had passed as Amanda scrambled back to her feet.

"Enter," Anton said disgruntled.

One of the heavy set men from earlier opened up the door and looked between the two. Amanda stroke her hands back over her hair and straighten her ponytail as Anton demanded the attention of the bodyguard by waving him over. He had a folded note in his hand and Anton waved him off once he had handed it over. Anton waited for the door to be closed before he had a quick peek on the note. Amanda waited eagerly to get the note or at least be given the intel but Anton turned his back against her and grabbed the bottle.

"So?" Amanda asked impatiently, "Do you have something for me?"

Anton turned around with two filled glasses and reached out with one of them towards her. She frowned.

"First this," he said raising the hand with her glass in, "and then this," he raised his other hand which except for his glass still held on to the note.

She thought about just grabbing the note and run out of there. The men would surely still be outside the door though and she had already registered the door to the alley was covered by what looked like a rather heavy armchair. Anton would get to her before she'd gotten that piece of furniture out of the way. So she grabbed the glass with that frown still plastered on her face. Anton seemed to find it amusing and smirked as he partly sat down against his desk again. She was starting to feel the alcohol now and knew she should drink slower but she also wanted to get out of there and out of the two getting drunk was the more appealing option.

She tried to hand her glass to Anton to show him she was done and wanted the note but he just slowly sipped on his glass and seemed to still find her need to put up a fight amusing. She put her glass down loudly on his desk and took a stance right in front of him, crossing her arms in front of her. Just his smirk and goggling annoyed her now. He kept insisting to look her up and down and she was sure it was only cause he knew it bothered her. He took his time with his glass.

"So you can promise me my name won't be mentioned," he finally said, twirling around the last few drops in his glass.  
"Yes. I've told you that already. Your name, my name. Not mentioned."  
"So after I give you this information I might not see you around any longer?" he asked.

When she didn't answer he made a sad puppy face but it broke in to a smirk again. He wasn't completely able to hide the slight sorrow he felt over this though.

"I still say you owe me," he said trying to fake the smirk a little better.  
"If you ever feel the urge… for a drink, drugs maybe, or some of this…" he grabbed a hold of his junk and seemed to find himself hilarious.  
"You know where to find me detective. I know how to keep secrets too, no one would have to know about your _indiscretions_. Think of this, and me, as your safe haven. Whatever you want to get in to I'm game."

She held his stare for what felt like ages. It felt as though she couldn't get air. Something about his offer tempted her but she also knew how sick that made her and shame started to creep in on her.

"Will you give me the note," she begged with barely a whisper.

He finished the last of his drink and put the glass down next to hers. She was afraid he would get up but he stayed leaning back against his desk and then he held the note out towards her. When she went to grab for it though he pulled it back. He quickly extended it again but closer to himself this time. Yet again he yanked it from her when she tried to grab it. She got annoyed and this time when he held it out she didn't even try to grab it which finally made him stop.

"Okay," he said and extended his hand towards her.

She slowly went for it, ready for him to pull it back and she'd decided to walk out if he pulled that stunt one more time. He didn't though but he held on to the note so she couldn't pull it back and look at it.

"He'll be there tonight and tonight only," Anton said seriously, "He has lookouts so your _friends_ have to be smart."  
"But you're sure he'll be there?" Amanda asked still holding on to the note.  
"I'm sure. He need the merchandise on sale tonight since you robbed him. There's a special… _item_ on sale too so I'm a 100% sure he'll be there tonight."  
"What's the item?" she felt forced to ask.  
"You don't want to know," Anton smirked.

Amanda tried to get the note but Anton held on for yet another few seconds but then finally let her have it. She glanced at the note, registered the address scribbled on it to the back of her mind in case she would lose it. She securely tucked it in her back pocket and held Anton's eyes for a few seconds.

"Thanks," she finally whispered and turned to leave.

Just turning away from him made her able to breathe better and she couldn't wait to get out of there and this club. She grabbed the handle and just got the door open when something suddenly slammed it shut again, making a louder bang than she thought was possible. She wasn't sure if she saw Anton's big hand against the door first or if it was the hand he wrapped around her body she felt first.

"Are you sure you want to leave just yet," he breathed close to her ear. Lips grazing her ear and his breath coating her cheek. His hand went up her torso, settled around her throat as he pinned her closer to the door. Her breath hitched up in her throat and she felt weak to her knees. His fingers wrapped tighter above the skin that was already tender and she didn't even feel bad about liking it.

"Boss, everything okay in there?" a deep voice came from the other side of the door.

_She wished he would come inside. Or maybe she wished he would just stay out. _

"Yeah, we're fine in here," Anton said loudly by her ear, his words making her eardrum throb. It wasn't the only thing throbbing though. He'd let the door go, his hand whisking by her thigh, dipping quickly between her legs before it came up to start peeling her jacket off.

"We're just fine right," he breathed right by her ear. She might've nodded if she could but he held her throat too hard for her to move right now. _She didn't want to be here. All she wanted was to be there_.

**Amanda crossed the windy** street in search of a place to make a call where the wind wouldn't interrupt too much. She didn't want to head inside though where ears could reach her while she made the call. She finally found a brick wall that would have to work, it felt good to lean up against the steady foundation as well. She tried to ignore the fact her hand was shaking and just looked up the name she was searching for. By the forth ring she was worried he wouldn't pick up.

"Yes?" his brusque voice startled her slightly.  
"Tucker? It's detective Rollins," she said way more intimidated than she wanted to be.  
"Yes, what do you want?" he said softening his voice a bit but he still didn't sound thrilled to hear from her.  
"I know where Lamar Okeke will be tonight sir," she bit her lip at letting the 'sir' slip out before she could stop it.  
"Tucker?" she had to ask not sure if he'd hung up or not.  
"Yeah, did you just say you know where Okeke will be tonight?" he asked and Amanda affirmed what she'd just said.

She tried covering her mouth and phone with her hand in case it was the wind that disturbed their call. The wind was really getting cold she registered as it whipped her exposed hand.

"Hold on," Tucker said and disappeared for a bit.

She tried pulling herself further down the wall but she felt too weak to let go of the steady support and was left putting her forehead against the wall instead, trying to use her hand and her hair that had been freed from her ponytail to work as a wind shield. Right now she really didn't care who saw her or if someone wanted to sneak up on her and perhaps kill her. _She wouldn't mind if they did_. She had to try and get out of her head as she felt tears forming in her eyes.

"Okay, now I can talk," Tucker said, "How do you know where Okeke will be tonight?"  
"Informant," Amanda said trying to keep her voice steady.  
"How liable is this informant?"  
"Very liable," she answered.  
"Same one as for the raid?" Tucker asked and Amanda hummed a yes which she was a little surprised he actually picked up.  
"Give me the location," Tucker said and she repeated the address she'd memorized earlier.  
"Do you know when he'll be there?"  
"Later tonight, that's all I know."  
"And what's at this location?"  
"It's a party slash merchandise exchange. Okeke is there to buy something."  
"Something or someone?"  
"I really don't know sir but I would expect the latter if I speculated."  
"Don't detective, stick to facts please."  
"Yes sir."

There was a pause and she just waited for him to ask or say something.

"You couldn't take this intel to Liv?" he suddenly asked.

Amanda swallowed and tried to think fast.

"She's the one that told me to tell you. You have the resources and authority after all."

She hoped stroking his ego would work and she figured it had as she thought she picked up on some low snickering.

"She's not always bad that boss of yours," he said and confirmed it had worked.  
"You got something else to tell me?" Tucker asked.  
"No that's all I got sir," she said just loud enough for him to pick up as she rubbed her forehead against the hard surface.

There was a pause again, she almost got a sense he wanted to ask her something but that he hesitated. She wasn't sure of anything she felt or thought right now though so she was probably picking up the wrong signals. _Maybe she should just hang up now?_ She closed her eyes. _Did anything make sense in this world? Why did her sister have to die? Why did she have to be this screwed up?_

"Okay, I'll make sure this intel lands in the right hands. I guess you don't want your name mentioned this time around either?" Tucker said and made her open her eyes back up.

"Thank you sir, and I'd prefer if my name was left out yes if that's possible," she did her best to not mumble.  
"I'll make it possible," Tucker answered sounding overconfident.  
"Thank you sir," she repeated.

"Is everything alright detective? You sound a bit off," Tucker said after just a slight pause.  
"Just tired sir," she whispered.  
"What's that?"  
"I'm just tired sir," she said a little louder.  
"Okay, well get some rest and I'll see you Monday detective."  
"Okay, yes, Monday. Good bye sir."

She hung up but was left with her head against the wall for a while. She had to wipe some grovel off her forehead once she finally was able to pull herself up. She sort of wished there would be blood but she wasn't so lucky. _She was never lucky. _

**It was getting dark once** Fin finally heard her keys in the door. He wanted to pretend he hadn't worried but he had as time had kept ticking. He hadn't been outside the door today. He didn't mind. He wasn't one of those people that got stir crazy if he didn't go outside for an entire day, he was perfectly fine with staying on the couch for a day. It wasn't like he hadn't been productive though and he couldn't wait to tell her. He was still upset though so he wouldn't welcome her at the door with open arms.

It took her a while to get out of the hallway. The light was off and he couldn't really make out what she was doing except for hearing a boot dropping. He wanted to walk over to make sure she was okay but he was too proud to. He was still mad. He had the right to be mad at her. And he feared she might be drunk. Again. She would ruin everything if she was drunk again.

She wished she could stay in the dark. Hidden from everything but still feel safe there in his apartment. Lovely, dependable, strong and protective. Those were all words she could associate with him but all she did was let him down. She'd crossed the line, she knew she had, and now all was lost. That's all she'd been able to think about while she wandered the streets of New York. Nothing seemed fun or fascinating about NY by night any more. If she'd lost him, she would've lost everything and that thought was just unbearable.

She'd stayed out as long as possible, paced the sidewalk across the street from the building for a while but she was in need of a toilet. And in need of a long, scolding shower and then a warm bed where she could hopefully bury herself for a long time.

She finally left the darkness of the hallway. The need for a toilet suddenly didn't feel as acute and even though she didn't want to face him she knew she had to at least say hi to him.

For the last hour he'd zipped through the TV channels without finding anything to watch and he'd settled with a rerun of last night's baseball game which meant he mostly faked the interest he gave the TV screen. He felt forced to glance over at her though, eager to know what mood today's UC gig had left her in.

She was still in her turtle neck and knowing why she'd chose to wear that today still made his inside sting. She'd shoved down her hands in her jeans pockets which made her shoulders be up by her ears. Her hair was out and looked a bit ruffled, her cheeks looked a little wind ridden as well.

"Hi," she whispered.  
"Hi," he answered after only a slight pause.  
"How was UC?" he asked to get rid of the awkward silence.  
"Good. Okay," she struggled with what to say, she didn't feel like talking about it but she owed Fin an answer.  
"Miller made contact," she let him know.  
"Yeah?"

Amanda nodded.

"He said he would be in touch."  
"Okay, but Tucker will make sure you don't have to… _participate_ again?"  
"Yeah I think he will," Amanda nodded even though she really had no idea what she would have to until they could arrest Miller and whoever else was involved.

Fin kept studying her. She seemed sober enough. And sincere. She started to squirm slightly where she stood still yards from him.

"Well, I'll…" she said a bit hesitant cocking her head down the hall.  
"Wait. Why don't you come sit down for a bit," Fin said and he could tell her shoulders got even closer to her ears.

Amanda swallowed hard. _What did he want? Was he going to ask her to move? To grab what little she had and get out of there? He had every right to but where would she go? She hated the thought of being alone out on the streets again. It was just a matter of time before she messed up seriously at work and then what, all she really know except being a cop was dancing and hooking. She would go from one spectrum to another? Sounded like the irony of her life._

She dragged her feet over to him slowly, kept her hands in her pockets even when she sat down on the opposite end of the couch with one leg bent underneath her. Fin had already turned on the couch so he could face her better. He could feel her anguish and didn't want to risk catching it so he got right to the point.

"I got a plan," he said, "For Sierra."

Amanda didn't know what to think or feel. Stress and anxiety were still manifested in her body but knowing that he at least for now wanted to talk about something else than kicking her out on the street was an enormous relief.

"I borrowed your laptop, I hope you don't mind," he said and only now did she realize her computer was on the table in front of them.

She shook her head so he would know she didn't mind, _she didn't mind at all_.

"I found a place, outside Norfolk. Virgina," he added just to clarify, she looked a bit stunned right now, "They can take her. I checked it out and it comes with good recommendations. I talked to a staff and she sounded really, like good, genuinely caring. It would be for 90 days to start with, we'll take it from there."

He waited for her to say something but she still seemed speechless.

"Look," he said and reached for the laptop.

All he had to do was touch the keyboard and an image of the treatment center in Norfolk popped up on the screen. He turned the screen so she'll be able to see it.

"They're not far from Virginia Beach," he said and clicked on another image that had people walking on the beach at sunrise.  
"I guess maybe not the best season but fall can still be nice out there," he said and clicked through another few images of people in a nice yard, in what looked like a crafts room and of people sitting in circles on either chairs or directly on the floor.

"And I've talked to Sierra. She's willing to go."  
"She is?" she was finally able to talk, her voice with a blend of disbelief and surprise. Fin nodded.  
"And… I was thinking we could drive her there," he said and couldn't help but smile at the pleasant gasp she let out.  
"Really?"  
"_Really_. It will take an entire day though. Like well over 6 hours just one way. They can take her Monday but can set her up in a bed if we drive her down tomorrow. Is it too short notice or can you get the day off from your UC assignment?"

Amanda turned her eyes back to the images on the laptop. _She couldn't believe it._ She wanted to feel overjoyed but she settled with just being free from stress and angst for a second. _This was so sweet of him. How could he do this for her after what she'd put him through?_ She felt her eyes tear up.

"Hey," he whispered and wanted to reach out towards her but still felt scared to come close to her.  
"Tucker cancelled tomorrow so it would work out just perfectly," she said fighting to keep her voice steady.  
"Well great. I was thinking we'll drive down New Jersey, over to Delaware, maybe the coastal highway on the drive down as the forecast for tomorrow is looking good. But we'll need to cut through Delaware to make it home in time."

She could feel his excitement and it made her feel even more touched.

"We need to get cracking early though. I told Sierra-"  
"She hates early mornings," Amanda cut in and Fin smiled.  
"Yeah she told me but we have to head out before 8, that will give us some time to stick around to see she settles in alright but not too much time. I need to have us back home before midnight as we have the early shift on Monday."

He watched her for a bit, he wasn't really sure where he had her at this moment, she was still staring blankly on the laptop.

"Sounds like a plan?" he asked.  
"Sounds like a _great_ plan," she whispered and managed to tear her eyes off the glossy but still somehow hope giving images on the website.

"I can't believe you'd do this for me," she said once her eyes were on him, "after what I did…"

A deep sob made her entire throat close up and she couldn't hold back the tears any longer. She immediately covered her entire face with her hands but she couldn't cover the deep sobs that rippled through her body and echoed against her palms.

"Hey," he said scooting closer to her on the couch.

A bit awkwardly he patted her shoulder but his heart soon melted completely and he pulled her in to his embrace. The moment he did that she let go of her face, buried it in his strong chest so her hands could clutch on to him for dear life. For minutes she just cried, and he let her, rubbing his hands affectionately up and down her back.

"I'm so sorry," she finally sobbed, tears and snot drenching his sweatshirt.  
"No need to-" he started, thinking she meant the tears and for crying in front of him.  
"I'm sorry for what I did to you," she cried.

He had some trouble hearing every word of what she was saying but he'd heard enough to know she was talking about what happened last night. She kept rambling out apologies.

"I can't believe I did that to you. I'm so sorry. You have to believe me Fin. I didn't mean to do that to you."

Now his eyes started to tear up as well.

"It's okay," he said rubbing the back of her head gently.  
"No it's not," she cried, "You didn't deserve that. I don't know what's wrong with me. How could I do that to you? Why do I hurt you when I don't mean to? I'm so fucked up Fin. I'm just so very fucked up."

They were still slightly parted on the couch and he couldn't take it any longer so he grabbed a hold of her hip and pulled her in even closer. It forced her to sit up slightly but she hurried to bury her face by his neck obviously not ready to face him yet.

"We'll work it out Amanda, we will," he tried reassuring her best he could, after last night he wasn't so sure though that he could ever provide her with the help or guidance she needed.

"Let's get Sierra to the treatment center and then we'll figure out what to do with you. If Olivet isn't right for you we'll find someone else Amanda. You can't give up, I won't let you give up."  
"You just should though. I'm a despicable person Fin. There's no redemption for me. You should've just let Simon kill me."

She hated being so self-centered when what she really wanted was to apologize to him but she had no filter right now, what was in her head came pouring out of her.

"Don't ever say that," Fin reprimanded.  
"But it's true. I'm vile. A screw-up. All I do is hurt people. My mother was right. It would've been better if I wasn't born."  
"I don't want to hear you say that. Your mother is wrong, period," Fin said, "And if I haven't already made it clear to you let me make it abundantly clear now, I can't picture my life without you Amanda. I don't _want_ to picture my life without you. You give me a purpose and you brighten up my day."  
"I-… h-hurt you," Amanda managed to get out through a new flood of tears and violent sobs.  
"Yes you did. I won't lie. What happened last night did hurt me… a lot. That can't happen again. Ever. But for the rest of it Amanda, like you screwing up and you know people make mistakes, it's okay, we can work it out. We'll get you help, we'll sort you out okay? Please trust me."  
"I trust you but I don't trust myself Fin. Half of the time I don't even know what I'm doing…"  
"I don't want to trivialize it but you're just in a bad place Amanda. Everything with Lucas, _that_ dragged up some shit for you, for all of us. We should've slowed down then, really dealt with it. That's what we should've done but we didn't and things… spiraled. But we'll get you through this UC assignment and then we'll deal, like really deal, with everything. Maybe you need to take time off-"  
"I don't want to take time off," Amanda cried and it set off another bunch of sobs.  
"Okay, let's not talk about that now, let's just get there first. We need to deal with Sierra so that won't burden you as well and then we need to get rid of Tucker."  
"Can we kill him," her frail voice was heard from his chest. Fin chuckled.  
"I would not mind that. I think Liv would be onboard as well but it might not be the best plan."  
"T-too bad."  
"Yeah too bad," Fin said continuing to rub her back with wide, nurturing strokes as it seemed to work to ease both the sobs and trembles lingering in her body.

He couldn't feel any tension in her body and she seemed perfectly comfortable with just resting in his arms. He fell back a little with them against the couch so he could rest better as well.

"I am really sorry Fin," she whispered after a long time had passed.

Her voice was a little hoarse but he could hear her.

"Thank you," he said after a big inhale, "Try not to dwell on it though. We'll get passed it, we'll work things out."

He couldn't tell if she bought it and she didn't say anything. After a while he could feel her starting to finger his sweatshirt a bit.

"I ruined your shirt," she whispered sounding like she made a point but also with some shame weaved in there.  
"Don't worry about it, all it takes is a wash," he said and planted a kiss on top of her head.  
"Have you eaten?" he asked.  
"I'm not really hungry, more in need of a shower," she said and then added, "And a toilet."

He chuckled once.

"Well okay you go visit the bathroom, have that shower and… well you know. I'll make a call and get us some dinner. We can eat, maybe catch up on the new season of Alaskan bush people?"  
"Matt will try building a decent hut?" she asked fingering his shirt, not really wanting to let him go just yet.  
"We can hope Matt is still trying to build a decent hut," Fin chuckled.  
"I hope they don't go on any more dates though."  
"You and me both," Fin said amused.

He had a feeling she was stalling and he didn't really mind sitting there with her but soon she started stirring and he figured she might be in need of that bathroom break more than she liked to admit.

"Okay, let's get going," he said to get them moving.

She kept her eyes down as she sat back up. Her neck looked a little stiff which he didn't find surprising as she'd been in an uncomfortable position for what he figured was well over 30 minutes. He didn't want to ask how her neck was though seeing how that might imply he was talking about something else and he just wasn't ready to address that yet. Instead he reached out and squeezed her shoulder in an attempt to both relieve some pressure but also get a chance to exchange a glance with her before she got up and disappeared down the hallway.

He knew things were far from solved but he felt a little less heavy hearted as he got up to place a phone call to a nearby take-out restaurant. As usual his stomach agreed to eat anything that was food so he went with a place he knew served food she liked. By the time the food arrived she still wasn't out of the shower so he placed the boxes on low heat in the oven hoping they would hold until she was done.

She finally emerged out of the bathroom just as he was about to go check on her and they sat down for a quiet but enjoyable TV dinner. She got to call Sierra and confirm the road trip was on but only after she'd promised Fin to eat a little more once she hung up. Amanda was a little bit more talkative after the phone call. She wanted to know if the department was okay with them transporting Sierra out of town and Fin let her know he'd informed Liv who had made calls to clear it for them. Everyone was informed and the hospital would make sure she was ready to sign out early tomorrow morning.

Amanda complained she hadn't got on buying some things for Sierra like she said she would but again Fin had her stunned.

"There are two bags on your bed, you can check them out later, see if there's anything you think Sierra would like."  
"_You_ went shopping?" she asked once she managed to pick her jaw up.  
"Hell no," Fin burst out but started chuckle, "I asked Ken."  
"Ken shopped," Amanda whispered.

She felt her eyes dwell up with tears again.

"I think it was mostly Alejandro but it wasn't a sacrifice for either one of them really, you know how they like shopping."  
"How did they know what to get?" she asked trying to keep her emotions at bay.  
"I just told them to picture Beyoncé but go for more casual than stage," Fin said with a shrug.  
"Beyoncé?" Amanda smiled.  
"You're not planning on telling Sierra I told you that," Fin said putting his fork down with a disgruntled frown over his face.  
"Of course I am," Amanda teased.

Fin pretended as though he was about to throw food at her with his fork. A ploy she knew was fake as Fin never wasted food and today she didn't even play scared. She dragged her fork around in her food for a while.

"Thank you so much Fin," she said doing her best to hold his eyes.  
"You're welcome partner," he said and winked at her to hide some of the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him as well. She made one more round with her fork in her food but then looked back up.

"Can I go look at 'em?" she asked and looked pleading when he gave her and her plate a disapproving look.  
"Okay," he said with a sigh but couldn't feel disappointed for long as he saw her move quicker than she had all day.

He would join her in a little bit, being a little curious himself what Ken and Alejandro had picked out. It was all useful garments and Amanda was so grateful and told Fin she had to treat his son and fiancé to dinner one night very soon. He said he would hold her to that and then added that they had to get to bed so they'd be able to get going early tomorrow morning.

That night they didn't need the entire space of the bed but Fin still had an uneasy knot in his gut being that close to her in bed. Last night he hadn't been able to trust himself or her, he feared it could happen again and it would probably take a while for him to get over what happened.

**Early Sunday morning **they left their apartment packed with Sierra's clothes as well as some drinks and snacks for the long trip ahead of them. They stopped by a cart to pick up coffee and bagels, Amanda bought some for Sierra as well hoping she would have some of her appetite back.

They ran in to no hassle at all at the hospital. Sierra looked tired but was up and dressed, a nurse was ready with transfer papers that she handed to Fin as well as a small container with a few tablets rattling around inside it. She reminded Sierra to take the pills at noon and then at five again if they hadn't arrive at the center yet. Sierra looked like she'd heard it several times already so the nurse turned to Fin and let him know pills were best ingested with some food. He told the nurse he got it.

"Okay let's get going, got tires to burn," Fin said and turned to Sierra and Amanda who were talking low over by the bed.  
"Woho, road trip," Sierra said and slid of her bed.

Amanda picked up the plastic bag that held everything Sierra owned right now. She stuck her arm in underneath Sierra's making it seem as she offered her support but it was really just to be close to her.

As they passed Fin, who was holding up the door for them, he held out his hand to take the plastic bag from her and she let him have it. Sierra shot her a smirk but Amanda just shook her head at her. Sierra giggled and Amanda didn't know why but joined in.

Fin had got access to the underground parking lot where usually just staff parked. This was to keep Sierra hidden in case someone was stalking out the hospital. They detail watching her hospital room had gone with them downstairs but said goodbye once their car was in sight.

Amanda let Fin know she would ride in the back with Sierra, adding a question if that was okay. She didn't have to ask but since she had he gave her a nod. Sierra got in behind the driver's seat and Amanda fuzzed a little, helped her close the door once she was securely inside. She hurried around the car and got in beside her.

"Maybe we should play it safe," Fin suggested as he started the car, "scoot down as we drive out?"

He met Amanda's anxious look but Sierra just did as told without any questions. Amanda did the same even though it was Sierra they tried to keep safe right now.

"Hey," Sierra whispered where they lay hunched down just inches from each other.

Amanda looked over just as they got out in the daylight and spotted Sierra smiling.

"This feels familiar right," Sierra whispered, her smile widening.

Amanda smiled as well and reached out to clutch Sierra's hand. It did suddenly feel very familiar. Several times had they been hunched down or put with hoods over their head as they were driven to different locations. Everything always so secretive. Her smile lessen though.

"I was always so scared," she confessed with barely a whisper so Fin wouldn't hear.  
"We all were," Sierra said and squeezed her hand. Amanda shot Fin's neck a quick glance.  
"You don't have to be scared any longer," she said once her eyes were back on Sierra's.  
"You either," Sierra said and smiled again.

"Okay it's probably safe to sit back up now, can't see anyone following us," Fin let them know and they let go of each other's hand as they sat back up.

They all just watched traffic for a bit, no one said anything but then Amanda remembered something and reached back over the seat for the two bags in the back.

"Hey, we got you something," she said as she placed the bags between them. Sierra wasted no time having a peek.  
"No way, you got me clothes," Sierra sad and started pulling up stuff.  
"Yeah, well Fin's son helped us out," Amanda said to not take credit for it all.  
"This is super cute," Sierra said holding up a top and she turned it so Amanda could see the front. Amanda nodded.  
"Wow your son has great taste," Sierra said as she pulled up a pair of tights, "Is he single?"

Fin let out an amused huff in the front seat.

"He's… married," Amanda said a bit carefully and added, "to a guy."  
"Oh okay," Sierra said with a shrug, "well maybe just for a shopping date then."

Amanda met Fin's eyes in the back mirror briefly but went back to watching Sierra excitedly pull up garment after garment.

"I can't believe you're doing all this for me," Sierra said once she'd gone through both bags. Sierra reached over to pull Amanda in for a hug.  
"Well it's mostly…" Amanda gestured towards Fin once Sierra had let her go.  
"He must really love you," Sierra grinned. Amanda swallowed hard but tried to smile.

As they left New York City behind them the girls were chatting away in the back. Coffee and bagels were long gone and they had already started on the snacks they'd brought along for the long ride. Fin just enjoyed eavesdropping on them, even though he had no idea what they actually were talking about, and he liked how effortlessly his partner chewed down her bagel while focused on her conversation with her friend. Amanda laughed out loud at something Sierra said and Fin had to smile. He had a feeling this could be a very good road trip in more ways than one.

They'd barely driven for an hour but Sierra had already managed to fall asleep. Her body was still weak and Amanda watched her anxiously.

"Sleep is just good for her," Fin said quietly as he could tell how worried she was, "Maybe you should try and get some shut yet too, we got a long drive ahead of us."  
"You don't want me to drive?"  
"We can split the drive home, you just spend as much time with her as you can," he said shooting her a smile in the mirror.  
"Thank you," she mouthed while she had his attention.

He winked at her and then she slid back on the seat so she could rest her head back. She turned slightly to the side so she could watch Sierra sleep. She listened to the tires of the car. That familiar thump-thump-thump as the tires turned. She tried to control her breathing, to not think about that time she'd spent in a trunk not long ago listening to that same sound. _She tried to remind herself Fin was behind the wheel now, she had her friend next to her and they were going to a good place. At least she hoped it would be good. She wanted Sierra to get help and get better. And it was important she was safe. Sierra would be saved._ That was the thought that went with her as she drifted off to sleep.

Sierra would wake up first, looking a little drowsy and confused to where she was at. Fin found it a little spooky that Amanda started stirring just seconds after Sierra had sat up. Almost like they had some cosmic connection he thought to himself. Amanda woke up looking a little more cheery eyed than Sierra but Fin suggested they made a quick pit stop to get some coffee and more snacks as he had finished most of what they had. The girls in the back both thought that was a brilliant idea, seemed both of them needed a bathroom.

Fin said he'd meet them inside the gas station, he would just fuel up and he watched them make their way around the building over to the bathrooms. Sierra had clutched Amanda's hand and their hands swung between them. One of them must've said something funny as both of them burst out in giggles. There was something very loose and candid in the way they walked, he hadn't seen Amanda that relaxed in a long time and he tried to hold on to the belief this might be just the push in the right direction that she was in need of.

He beat them in there, _why did girls always take so long in the bathroom?_, and he'd managed to stalk up on quite a lot of snacks in a rickety basket when he heard the ding from the door and their familiar giggles as they entered.

"That's some serious sugar cravings there," Sierra pointed out looking down in his basket but she'd already turned when he gave her a face and soon she'd dump about just as much in there herself.

At the cashier Fin and Amanda got in to a bit of an argument about who would pay. He let her pick up the bill just to not make a big deal of it. Sierra had been over by the coffee machine picking them up various orders of caffeine filled mugs but the small squabble hadn't gone unnoticed by her, either had their slightly awkward body language whenever they got near each other. Small hints Sierra picked up that not all was good in their relationship.

Once back on the road, and with coffee in her system, Sierra chatted up a storm in the car. She got in to an argument with Fin about who was the best writer of rap songs alive today, and then was up, hanging over the seat to mess with the radio station, something Amanda knew you just didn't do when Fin was behind the wheel. Amanda could see how annoyed Fin got but she also saw how fast it rinsed off him as Sierra knew the entire lyric to one of his all-time favorite rap songs. She had to laugh at how little it took to win him over, and she also got a flashback to how silly Sierra could look when she tried to imitate a thug rap artist.

"You should stick to dancing," Amanda teased and Sierra, doing a poor job of looking offended, attacked her with fingers ready to tickle her.

Fin chuckled while watching them tumble back and forth in the back seat but it suddenly came to an abrupt stop as Sierra lay partly on top of Amanda. Sierra had thought she saw something and as she pulled at the high collar her friend was wearing she confirmed it. She met Amanda's expanded eyes briefly before she shot Fin a glare. He'd been forced to look at traffic and missed the hostile glare and all he saw were the two females wising up quickly in the back.

Amanda bit her lip with fearful anticipation. _Please don't ask. Please don't say anything. _

Sierra stared out the window for a while. Fin had felt the sudden shift in atmosphere but couldn't quite work out what had happened. Finally Sierra turned back from the window though looking as cheerful as earlier.

"Would you braid my hair?" she asked Amanda who nodded immediately.  
"There's a comb in my plastic," Sierra said, "and hair ties."

Amanda reached over the seats to fetch the bag.

"I hope Norfolk has some kick ass hairdressers," Sierra said as she pulled out her ponytail, "I could sure use one."  
"You look fine," Amanda tried as she scooted closer to her friend to be able to comb her hair through a couple of times before she got started on braiding it.

Fin listen to his partner ask some questions about what kind of braids Sierra wanted. He was surprised to see just how good she was at braiding hair. He'd seen her occasionally wear a side braid but it usually looked sloppy made, nothing like this precise imbedded one she now formed on top of Sierra's head and going sideways down to her ear. She would make two more further back on Sierra's head and then formed a small braid out of those going down her side. Sierra told Fin to stop hogging the mirror so she could have a better look and he twisted it so she could see herself better.

"Damn I look good," Sierra sang, "We could go in to business together girlfriend."

Amanda just smiled.

"Let me do yours," Sierra said and Amanda turned her back towards her.

After close to four hours driving Fin decided it was time to stop for lunch, Sierra needed to take her pills as well he reminded her.

"Yes dad," Sierra mocked and made Amanda smile again.

He could take it if it made her smile, there had been a lot of smiling going on today and he liked it. They'd been driving by the coast for a while now, Sierra had her nose stuck to the window and was talking about how much she would love to feel the sand between her toes every time a beach popped up between houses. Fin said they would find a place to eat near the beach and then they could head down for a bit to have a feel of the water while he rested his eyes for a few moments. Both girls seemed ecstatic over this but Sierra said no way she would swim and ruin her hair even more. For some reason that made Amanda start laughing and both of them were still laughing as he drove in to a seaside restaurant that actually looked open.

There was no problem getting Sierra to either eat or take her pills. She didn't seem shy about it at all and didn't seem to care the waiter gave big eyes as she placed several pills by her plate and then popped one by one with big chunks of water. Except for a single man in the corner they were the only guests and got served cold drinks quickly. Even though he'd eaten plenty of snacks Fin went for a grilled fish and shrimp plate with a side order of both French fries and fried onions. Sierra went for a fried shrimp sandwich while Amanda picked one with grilled fish.

Food came in rather quickly and they all dug in. Sierra somehow managed to both gorge her food and talk simultaneous. Fin could tell Amanda ate slow though and tried pushing some fried onions or fries on her but she shook him off.

Sierra was done well before Amanda had gotten half way through hers and Sierra was eager to go down to the beach. Fin wanted to object but Amanda was already out of her seat as well.

"I'll give you a honk when we have to go," Fin shouted after them.

He took a break from eating, worried they wouldn't make it across the road safely even though traffic was sparse and he felt some relief once they had passed it. He smiled as he watched them take their shoes and socks off and then take off half running towards the water. Had he not known how unwilling Amanda was to showing off the scars on her back he would've worried they would skinny dip.

Sierra had been truthful about her hair though, there was no way she was going in the water but it was nice pulling up her sweatpants and getting her toes wet.

"It's still so warm," she said to Amanda who had rolled up her jeans to her calves and gone out a little further.  
"Aha," Amanda acknowledged with a nod but her eyes were stuck on the horizon.

_The sea scared her slightly. It fascinated her as well but it was just so big and down deep you just never knew what beasts lured. It was the same with the space. So wide and endless. She knew she had trouble with cramp places but the thought of standing alone in the middle of nothing made her almost as terrified. An enigma she couldn't solve about herself, one of many. _

"So does he hit you?"

The question took her a little off guard and she felt herself actually sway slightly.

"I'm going to keep asking until you answer me," she said when Amanda wouldn't answer.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder, Sierra looked as determined as she'd sounded.

"It's not like that," Amanda said quietly.  
"No? So those marks on your neck, he didn't cause them?"

Amanda took a deep breath. _She wasn't sure how to answer that, or anything else she might ask. She was so tired of lying and right now, with the wind against her face and with water and sand sipping through her toes, she felt more open than she had in weeks, maybe even years._

"He caused them but I made him do it," she said glancing back over her shoulder again.

Sierra looked doubtful.

"I'm fucked up what can I tell you," Amanda said with a shifty smile.

She took another deep breath and then turned to walk back up on the beach.

"I got something to do with it?" Sierra asked and came walking after her.  
"Cause you had something do with me getting out of DH right," Sierra said and sat down on the beach, pulling at Amanda's hand to sit down as well.  
"Did that cause friction between you two?" Sierra asked.

The sand felt warm and Amanda let some fine sand seep through her fingers.

Sierra bumped her shoulder in to Amanda's when she didn't say anything.

"It started before that, before I learned where you were at," Amanda admitted, "I was messing up before that."  
"Messed up how?" Sierra inquired.

Amanda shot her a glance. This part maybe she didn't want to be so open about so she shrugged.

"So he's good?" Sierra asked. Amanda nodded without hesitation.  
"I'm the bad one," Amanda said, again with that shifty smile over her face.  
"We all mess up and I can tell he loves you, you'll work through it," Sierra said and held out her hand to catch some of the sand Amanda was letting seep out of hers. Her throat was closed up and she couldn't really say anything but she hoped Sierra was right.

"So you came looking for me?" Sierra asked after a while.  
"Yeah, I came looking for you," Amanda whispered.  
"About time," Sierra teased but with a hint of sincerity in there, "I was starting to think you had completely dropped me."  
"I could never."

They kept playing with the sand for a bit, took turns to catch the other's sand.

"So what did you have to do to find me?" Sierra finally asked.

Amanda avoided her glances.

"I-… I went to Anton Golov."  
"Gordon's son? No you didn't," Sierra said shocked. It sounded like she was very aware of who Anton was. Sierra's hand had dropped to the sand so Amanda started tracing it with her finger instead.

"You shouldn't have Shay," Sierra complained when Amanda stayed quiet.  
"He spent time around Assets but Jim didn't like him, finally banned him. I mean he never caused me any problems because of my skin, he's a flaming racist that one, but I've heard some other girls… and he likes them young too."

Amanda threw Sierra a look. Sierra nodded to affirm what she'd just said.

"You shouldn't associate yourself with him."  
"Everyone keeps saying," Amanda mumbled with a smirk over her face.  
"Well _everyone's_ right," Sierra said and bumped her shoulder again, "Does Fin know?"

Amanda nodded without looking up. Sierra made a displeasing noise and closed her hand to a fist in the sand so Amanda couldn't keep tracing it. Amanda shot her a glance.

"Don't see him again," Sierra said seriously.  
"I won't…" Amanda whispered but swallowed the "_have to_" she'd meant to add at the end.

Amanda had been resting her head on the arm she'd planted on top of her knees but now she turned to look at the ocean again. _Maybe she did like the sea after all? It looked cleansing of sort._

"I can't believe I haven't thought of it before…" Sierra suddenly said, "but you're a cop aren't you?"

Amanda quickly turned to look at Sierra, fear in her eyes. Sierra's eyes were out at the water though, her face blank but her jaw slightly dropped.

"Are you a cop?" she asked and turned to look at Amanda.

Amanda felt cold inside, she fully expected Sierra to jump her at any time and beat the crap out of her. She even thought about looking up towards the restaurant to see if Fin kept an eye on them because she had a feeling she would need him if Sierra jumped her. But she couldn't let go of Sierra's dark eyes, they held her captive and Amanda nodded.

"Fuck, I can't believe I didn't get that sooner," Sierra sad and turned away.

Amanda had a hard time breathing, she suddenly didn't feel like a cleansing bath but more use the water to drown herself in.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean to lie to you, I wasn't… I mean I didn't think I would make friends. I wasn't supposed to _make_ friends. I was supposed to die-"

Sierra suddenly turned back and it made Amanda's throat closed up again. Sierra shook her head with eyes narrow like she didn't grasp what she was saying.

"I was there to catch a killer. I mean I _did_ catch _the_ killer but I wasn't going to make it. I was never supposed to make it out alive."  
"How is that even… your boss would never set you up to die would he?" Sierra still wasn't grasping.  
"No it wasn't… I mean I wasn't on the job really, I didn't do it _on_ the job. I guess I went rogue."  
"Why?" Sierra asked.

Amanda took a deep breath, emotions all over the place as Kim came to mind.

"My sister…" she said and had to wipe away a tear from her eye. Sierra looked sad as she spotted the tear.  
"My sister died," she tried again, trying to balance her voice better, "she died, everyone said it was an accident or that she killed herself but I knew… _I knew_ she wouldn't do that. She was murdered and I had to find her killer."

"So that Mayhem chunk killed your sister?" Sierra asked and Amanda nodded.  
"And he almost killed you?"

Another nod but not as convincing as the last one.

Sierra let out a chuckle and it caught Amanda off guard, making her flinch but then tension rinsed off in an instance and she felt her shoulders drop several inches.

"I'm sorry, God that's not funny at all," Sierra said covering her mouth and looking pleading at Amanda, "I mean your sister dying that's awful, and that psycho but… you went _rouge_, you caught a killer on your own."

Sierra got an amused look in her eyes again and Amanda couldn't help but smile.

"You really are a little nutter aren't you," Sierra smiled.  
"Yeah," Amanda said and could feel laughter rumble inside her as she wiped tears away from the corner of her eyes.  
"So you're not angry at me?" Amanda asked quickly though. Sierra gave her a serious look.  
"You never set me up?" Sierra asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"I mean not like… I mean," Amanda grunted, she wasn't sure how to explain what she wanted to say.  
"That bag you gave to… well I dunno who you gave it to but you kept a bag for me," Amanda said and Sierra acknowledged she knew what she was talking to by giving her a nod.  
"It held a lot of my research. I never used last names for you girls though, I did for one girl who I thought might be a target. She was blonde. Mayhem was after blondes so I had to name her. But for the rest of you I was never aiming to get you in trouble, I mean you helped me so much. I really had no idea what I was doing and you were all just so welcoming, and you especially."

Amanda had to take a second to collect herself before she went on.

"Well in my research I had a lot about… Gordon. I thought he might be the killer at first. So it held everything I knew about him, the mansion, the parties. So I'm to blame for all that getting ripped from you. I brought him down. And I fear I pushed you to Okeke, and to all that. I'm to blame for that."

"Oh no, don't you go there," Sierra said shaking her head, "I'm the only one that can take credit for that. I took what Kee dangled in front of me and even if Gordon's been around, I might've taken it anyways cause it was all good to start with. I pulled myself too deep and that's not on you Sh-, is that even your real name?"

Amanda shook her head. Sierra reached out and put her hand on Amanda's arm which made Amanda flinch again.

"It's Amanda right?" Sierra said with a proud smile on her face for figuring out she'd lied about her tattoo. Amanda nodded.  
"Cheeky. That's an okay name though, Shay suits you better but Amanda will do," Sierra said, let her go and turned to face the water again.  
"So you're not angry at me?" Amanda had to ask again. Sierra seemed to think about it.  
"I don't think so," Sierra said with a shrug after a bit of thought, "I don't feel a need to be angry at you. I guess it's the new me."

Sierra shot her a smile. She could see Amanda needed better reassurance though and grabbed her hand.

"I'm _not_ mad," she said seriously holding Amanda's eyes, "I would've preferred you told me the truth but I get you couldn't. You wanted your sister's killer. _That_ I can get. I felt like killing someone when you were abducted and presumed dead. And I really do believe you didn't set me up. In fact you saved me so I would be really screwed up if I was angry at you for that."

Amanda did her best to not start crying again. _It was such a relief to hear Sierra say she wasn't mad at her. She felt like she alienated everyone lately so to at least have Sierra still in her corner felt so good._

"So Fin's your what? Like actual police partner?"  
"My partner yes, but also…"  
"More than that," Sierra guessed with a big grin.  
"Yes way more than that," Amanda said and had to look down as she couldn't pretend the sun caused the blush on her cheeks right now. Sierra giggled.  
"Well you should stop making him hurt you then," she said once she'd calmed down, "and just let him love you."

Amanda fought the blush on her face and gave Sierra a look.

"He loves you so much and you obviously love him so don't screw it up," Sierra said seriously, still holding on to Amanda's hand.  
"It's easier said than done," Amanda whispered.  
"Hell everything is easier said than done but you took down a crazy ass serial killer girl. You really don't have anything left to prove. Just… love him."

Amanda took a deep breath holding Sierra's eyes. _It sounded so easy coming from her lips and with the fresh sea air going down her lungs anything suddenly felt possible. _

They both watched the ocean for a while. No one was around even though it was a beautiful day and they had already felt that the water was still luke warm.

"Damn I feel like a swim," Amanda suddenly mumbled.  
"Well go for it," Sierra said.

Amanda's smile vanished.

"You know I got… these… scars," Amanda slowly put out there.  
"Your back right," Sierra said and got a nod.  
"My arms will have scars," Sierra said a little sad and looked down her arms even though they were covered by her longs sleeves.  
"Ropes?" Amanda guessed. Sierra nodded.  
"And cuts. Probably cleaner scars than yours though," Sierra said looking a little sad as she glanced at Amanda.  
"Can I have a look?" Sierra asked carefully.

Amanda kept her eyes on the waterfront, not really sure how she felt about the request.

"I was just thinking… like how my scars will look maybe…" Sierra stumbled on her words which was rare for her.

Amanda took a deep breath and then peeled of her jacket. She started hitching up her long sleeved top and Sierra helped her out. Amanda was a little glad she couldn't see Sierra's face, she knew she didn't have the best poker face. She didn't cringe at Sierra's hand carefully swiping over her scarred back though, didn't feel uncomfortable feeling Sierra's finger tracing some of the scars slowly. She felt Sierra drop her top back down and then was surprised by the kiss Sierra planted on her cheek. Amanda shot her a glance along with a smile.

"We should have that swim," Sierra said determined. Amanda's eyes got bigger.  
"But your hair…" Amanda said a little stunned as Sierra got up on her feet.  
"My hair is ruined anyways, and I got it nicely braided right now, c'mon," Sierra said and pulled Amanda up on her feet as well. Sierra pulled her top over her head, exposing her arms that were now taped instead of bandaged making her dark arms look like some candy cane with white stripes.

"But are you sure you should," Amanda asked nervously, hinting at her arms.  
"Probably not but there's lots of things you shouldn't do in this world right and still we keep doing them. This won't be my biggest mistake," Sierra said and reached out to help Amanda get her top off as well.

"It might be a mistake if I don't have that swim though," Sierra chuckled and then got started on pulling down her pants.

Amanda looked around a little even though she had already established they were alone on the beach. She felt weird standing there in just her bra on such a public place, the slight breeze felt nice against her bare back though and since Sierra had already stripped down to her bra and panties and were heading towards the water she hurried to get her jeans off. The sneakers and socks went with them and then she rushed after, managed to pass Sierra and ran towards the water with no other purpose than to feel the soothing waves against her bare skin. She heard Sierra holler behind her as she tried to catch up and it made Amanda belt out a freeing wail as well and they both lounged themselves in to the blue without the slightest burden in the world.

* * *

_Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me._ (**Psalms 51:10**)


	17. Chapter 17: Bulletproof?

**Chapter 17: Bulletproof?**

* * *

_"Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces."_ ~ Richard Kadrey

* * *

Fin had just rested back comfortable in the pulled back driver's seat. He'd left the door open to get some nice breeze inside the car but that wasn't all that got in. The shrieking he heard had him sitting up straight within a second. Fear clutched at his heart as he got out and directed his eyes down towards the water. At first he saw nothing, and the hollering had stopped so he feared the worst_. Had Okeke's men caught up to them?_ _He hadn't heard gun fire though and he expected a man like Okeke to go with a drive-by to eliminate enemies._

He didn't have to stay worried for long as he spotted two heads pop up out in the water, he recognized his partner's deep laugh and it wasn't hard to imagine Sierra was the other lunatic he spotted. He pulled a deep sigh, rubbed his scalp and crossed the street. He fought through the sand of the beach and passed spread out garments before he reached the water line. He stayed well clear of the wet though.

Both women were too occupied splashing water at each other or diving down underneath the surface to see him but finally Sierra spotted him.

"C'mon in won't you," she hollered from way out.

Fin shook his head.

"Are you crazy?" he shouted once he had Amanda's attention, "We don't have time for this? And have you thought about towels? Like maybe that we didn't bring any."  
"Oh c'mon sourpuss, get your butt in here and lighten up," Sierra yelled.

He was about to answer back but he caught Amanda trying to cover her giggling and deep down he just couldn't stay mad. He could tell she was only in her bra and wearing only that and a smile made him feel good inside. He wasn't ready to completely fold though.

"I'll go up and see if the guy at the restaurant has some towels for us to lend or for sale," he yelled out.

He'd lost their attention though and all he saw was Sierra's feet as she did a handstand on the bottom.

"Crazies," he mumbled to himself as he went back up to the restaurant. He was smiling though.

The restaurant was kind enough to let them have two towels that some guests left behind over the summer. He went back down to find them still in the water and he had to nag to get them to come out. He could tell Amanda was reluctant to disobey but she was torn between him and Sierra and ended up somewhere in-between them. That left her standing with water to her thighs and he couldn't help but admire her. Her white bra was see-through thanks to the swim and her panties, all though regular cotton briefs in a different color, clung nicely to her form.

He could tell she was still losing weight though, hipbones protruding and ribs starting to show in a concerning way. Whenever she turned back to look at him the marks on her neck caught sunlight and made his stomach drop but he still couldn't stop admiring her. He could tell she noticed him watching her and it made her a little aware of her nakedness. He saw it as a good sign though that she didn't try to cover up, he figured she must be in a rather good place right now to be able to stand there even though she felt uncomfortable.

He didn't have to nag much to get Sierra out of the water as well, not having her partner in crime out there made it not seem so appealing to stay out there much longer.

"You're no fun," Sierra still said with pouting lips as she walked up to him.

She snatched the towel from him a little roughly to make her point even stronger but he could see through the act. Amanda had already taken a towel from him, made sure to thank him and wrapped it around herself. He helped her lift her braid up so she could get the towel around herself properly and she thanked him again. He found the slight blush on her cheeks adorable but tried to not make that too obvious, nor the fact he couldn't stop looking at her.

"Chop chop, you're slowing us down," he finally had to say to get himself going as well.

He ignored Sierra whining about what a party pooper he was and helped them gather a tee that the wind had tried to steal. He recognized it as Amanda's and handed it to her just to be able to look at her one more time before she got dressed.

He went up ahead of them to the car and was sitting in the driver's seat with his door open as he caught Amanda rush by aiming at the restaurant to hand them back the towels. Sierra came up to him holding on to their two sets of shoes.

"Make sure to wipe your feet," he said when she opened the back door, "I don't want the entire car filled with sand."

He wasn't sure what she was doing but at least she stayed out of the car so he hoped she was wiping her feet as told. Amanda came skipping down the stairs from the restaurant and opened up the other back door.

"Watch yourself with sand in pops' car," Sierra said and Fin frowned but should've known she would say something.  
"Don't want to get grumpy in a worse mood," Sierra said and jumped in to the car. Fin caught Amanda wiping her feet of properly before she jumped in after.

"I asked them to wrap your sandwich to go," Fin said once all of them had closed their doors and he reached back to hand it to her.  
"Thanks," she said and she looked like she really meant it.  
"Ahh," Sierra teased from behind him, "mr Grump just can't help to be sweet as well."

He felt Sierra's hands briefly on his shoulders.

"Or are you just hoping to get some maybe," Sierra said pinching his shoulders before she let go, "I don't think you have to worry about that big guy. You got the girl already. No pun intended but she'll give it up for free for you."

Fin shot Amanda a glance in the back mirror, he could tell she got embarrassed by the way she squirmed slightly.

"Isn't that right Amanda? You're already hooked aren't you," Sierra said slapping Amanda's leg.

Amanda knew she was just trying to help out but this was getting embarrassing fast and she just hoped Fin didn't feel as uncomfortable as she did right now.

Fin was still watching her but then it dawned on him Sierra had actually used her real name. Sierra had called her _Amanda_. He tried to catch Amanda's eyes in the mirror but her eyes were folded down, blush high up on her cheeks. He was very curious what had gone down on the beach but whatever it was Sierra didn't seem angry, nothing seemed to have changed between them. If anything Sierra was even more outspoken now.

He didn't manage to get Amanda's attention and once they were on the road again Sierra quickly got talking in the back. It was something about some girl named Daisy that had gotten married but the husband had apparently knocked someone else up right after the wedding. Amanda seemed to know who the recently married woman was but seemed clueless who the mistress about to become a mother was so Sierra clued her in which meant Fin got a little better picture of the players. He soon lost interest though as Sierra just went on and on and dragged in more and more names in to the story. After a while it just seemed as though she gave Amanda an update about everyone at the club.

The only thing he really was interested in was the things he couldn't overhear. Those times Sierra leaned over and whispered something to Amanda that made her giggle but that also kept that blush lingering on her cheeks. He figured it could just be juicier tidbits of the stories but the way the whispers seemed to tear at his partner, making her bounce from laughter to unease, made him think this was reminders she might not be as comfortable with as she tried to pretend.

"So how about those Kardashians?" he blurted out loud enough to drown out Sierra's voice.

He had time to catch both Amanda and Sierra make big eyes at him before he had to turn his attention back at the road in front of them.

"_You_ keep up with the Dashes?" Sierra said with a surprised tone as she leaned forward.  
"Well… I- eh, I-," Fin wasn't sure what to say and ended up just stuttering.  
"Man you're such an oddball," Sierra said with a laugh as she threw herself backwards.

Sierra scooted back to lean her head on the seat as she got back to talking. It didn't take long though until she'd drifted off to sleep again. Fin watched Amanda tenderly place a folded sweater next to Sierra's head to give her something to lean against. When Amanda finally turned her eyes forward again Fin made sure to capture them quickly in the mirror.

"She knows who you are?" he asked with a low voice. He had to watch traffic ahead but she gave him a nod once his eyes were back in the mirror.  
"Everything okay?" he asked and got another nod.

Her eyes went out through her window, eyes flickering between the lavish summerhouses that rushed passed her. Fin kept shooting her glances.

"You didn't tell her too much?" he finally felt forced to ask.

He gained her eyes in the mirror again.

"You can't get too close you know that right?"

She looked pale, almost a little scared. She shot Sierra a quick glance.

"I know," she whispered.  
"I mean it's good that you told her," Fin said trying to keep his voice low, "That your name is Amanda, that you _are_ Amanda…"

He tried to catch her eyes in the mirror but she kept them hidden underneath her bangs.

"I just want you to be safe, I _need_ you to be safe."  
"I know," she whispered again.

He wanted to talk more. He wanted to reassure himself she really knew how important it was she kept her distance to Sierra until Okeke was behind bars, and maybe even after that for her own sanity. And for his sanity.

But he had to wait. He knew they had a long ride home just the two of them so he hoped he'd get another chance.

It didn't take long until he caught her eyes falling shut briefly or her head bobbing forward ever so often. He wasn't sure why she fought sleep but he figured it could be for his sake.

"Just catch some rest," he said.

He'd used a low voice but it was still enough to make her jump. She shook her head like she'd been caught doing something she wasn't allowed to do.

"Get some rest Amanda," he said with a little more emphasis.  
"I'm making you drive home remember," he added with a wink.

That brought a faint smile upon her face and after holding his gaze in the mirror for a while longer she finally scooted down on the seat. With her head resting just inches away from Sierra's she quickly drifted off to sleep.

**He had figured the goodbye** would be emotional and he wouldn't be wrong. Sierra was apprehensive walking in to the clinic but did her best to act as her cocky old self. Most of her taunts came out flat though. Fin and Amanda got to tag along on the tour around the premises. It looked just as pretty as the website had made it out to be and there was nothing bad to say about the people they met either. The caretakers seemed genuinely kind and even the patients seemed cool and well on their way to sobriety.

Sierra's room was ready for her and Amanda helped her put some of her new clothes away in a dresser. The clinic had set her up with some gear as well and the bathroom was stocked like a fancier hotel room with Sierra and Amanda going through every little item which Fin saw through as one or both of them trying to stall the inevitable farewell.

"Okay we better head out," Fin said just to not drag it out too long. He could tell Amanda was getting apprehensive as well and he wanted to break things up before it got too hard for her.

"Already?" Sierra said trying to keep smiling but the panic was apparent in her voice.  
"You'll be fine," Amanda said and grabbed a hold of her friend to give her a hug.

Fin stepped out along with Sierra's caseworker to give the two some room to say goodbye.

"The parting is always difficult," the caseworker said and shot Fin a smile. He gave her a nod.  
"Yeah, best to make it brief right," Fin agreed.

He was a bit stunned when Amanda came out much quicker than he'd anticipated.

"Okay, let's go, bye," she mumbled as she passed them and started heading towards the reception area.  
"Bye Sierra," Fin said spotting her face in the door way and he gave the caseworker a short nod before he hurried after his partner.

The way she moved swiftly and with her head down told him she was more upset than she liked to admit. She was about to take a wrong turn in her haste and he tapped her arm to get her to turn the right way. He thought he heard her mumble a thanks but she kept her face hidden even as they walked side by side.

"The keys," she said putting her palm in the air towards him.

The thought crossed him that maybe it wasn't such a good idea having her behind the wheel right now but he didn't dare to bring it up as he knew that risked getting the two of them in an argument so he just handed her the keys instead. Nothing in the way she drove them out from the clinic's premises hinted to her being too emotional to drive though. Once out on the street she maneuvered skillfully around a reckless driver and he was able to sit back in the passenger seat and relax. She had this.

"So that place looked good," he finally had to say though. For neither one to mention it would just be weird.  
"I'm sure they'll take good care of her there," he said looking at her. She nodded.  
"Yeah, it'll… be good," she said a bit hesitant.  
"Do you think she's strong enough to stay drug free?" he asked and watched her. She glanced his way briefly.  
"I dunno," she finally answered and he was pleased she at least was honest with him.  
"I hope so," she added and he gave her a smile when she glanced his way again.  
"I hope so too," he said and then let the subject go.

It didn't take long until she took control over the car radio. He really didn't mind but he would never admit he actually liked some of her singer songwriter tunes, even the ones leaning strongly towards country. Driving for that long must've taken a toll at him because he drifted off to sleep not long after they'd gotten on the road.

Once his eyes flickered open the sun was low and he sat up quickly, trying to shrug off sleep.

"How long have I been out? You should've waked me up," he said trying to hold back a yawn but failed to do so.  
"When you're snoring so endearing," she said and he caught her mischievous look as he glanced her way.  
"Shut up," he said but couldn't help but smile.

Him snoring or not had been up for discussion before but he realized it was before Simon and everything.

"Is it cold?" he asked though, shivering slightly as he wrapped one arm around himself.

Amanda immediately put some heat on even though he was probably just felt cold after the long nap. He caught a road sign and gasped slightly.

"Are you speeding?" he said leaning over to check the meter. He couldn't grasp they'd gotten so far already.  
"Nah, traffic's been good. Expect it will get worse the closer to NY we get though," Amanda said.

She leaned in to raise the volume on the radio again and he caught her frowning slightly as she sat back up.

"I'm hungry," he said, using his hunger as an excuse to give her a break from driving and stretch herself out.  
"When are you not," she questioned and he would've punched her arm if she wasn't holding on to the wheel.  
"Someone needs a nap," he suggested and smiled at the cheeky tongue she gave him without letting the road go with her eyes as they were gaining on someone driving ridiculously slow up ahead.  
"Seriously though, I could need a coffee and a gents as well," he said.

"Okay," she said without fight, "keep your eyes open after a good place," she said as she steered around the slow moving car.

It didn't take long until they found what looked like a rather cozy diner. They both headed in to the bathroom first and then met up at the counter. The place was rather busy but they were lucky enough to get a stall as a young family was just taking off. A waitress hurried over as they had a seat and they helped her clear the messy table. She handed them menus and let them be for a bit. They both settled for burgers and ordered them from her when she came back with their drinks.

Their waitress was a little on the older side and seemed a bit disorganized but she made up for it by being sweet. Fin caught Amanda smiling and throwing long looks after her as she walked around the counter with their order.

"What?" he asked as he could tell she was thinking of something. She tried to shrug it off but he was persistent.  
"She just… reminds me of this… other waitress at a diner in Atlanta," Amanda said and started moving around the knife and fork the waitress had placed in front of her.  
"You used to hang there often eh?" he guessed. She shrugged at first but then nodded.  
"It was the place all cops hung at," she said. He nodded when she peeked at him a bit bashful. He didn't understand why the memory made her cheeks blush slightly.

"Good burgers?" he asked.  
"Best griddle cakes," she said and her wide smile was contagious.  
"That's just like pancakes right," he said but was taken aback by the stern look he got.  
"Don't let them hear you say that, you could get pistol whipped for less," she said though, her face easing quickly. He chuckled.

"Buttermilk griddle cake with granny smith apples and pecans," she reminisced and just the way she said it had his mouth watering.  
"I bet you had it every morning," he chuckled.  
"Not _every_ morning but yeah often," she admitted.  
"We should've checked with the nice lady, see if they could've whipped up some for you."  
"Nah I'm fine with a burger," she said putting her hands down in her lap to stop fidgeting with her utensils. He couldn't stop watching her even though he could tell he made her slightly uncomfortable.

"What?" she finally asked. He shook his head slowly though.  
"Nothing, I just…," he hesitated on how frank he could be but decided to speak out, "I just wish I could make life easier for you."

It wasn't what she'd expected to hear and it made her a little emotional to hear him be that candid.

"Y-you… do," she said about insecurely.  
"Yeah but I know I complicate things too," he said and ignored her shaking her head.  
"I know I do Amanda. It would be easier if I was just your partner but truth is I want to be more than that to you. I want to be your everything."

She had trouble breathing, tears burning behind her eyes but she tried her best to collect herself as she could see the waitress approaching with their baskets.

"Mustard and ketchup on the table," the waitress said as she put their burgers down in front of them, "just give me a holler if you need anything else."  
"I think we're good," Fin smiled and sent her away with a thanks.

Amanda still felt a little unable to move and Fin felt a little uncomfortable stirring in his seat.

"My timing really sucks doesn't it," he said and it made both of them huff which turned in to a nervous but releasing chuckle.

"I'm glad I said it but let's just eat now okay? Get back on the road," he suggested while fingering a French fry.

He looked at her a bit nervously, he wasn't sure why he felt that way but then again he wasn't one to make grand declaration of love at diner's in the middle of nowhere. She nodded, feeling slightly relieved they could leave it and she picked up her fork. Fin nodded as well and then grabbed a hold of his burger. Amanda put down her fork and followed his lead, biting down on her burger hoping it would ease the turmoil down in her gut. _That was probably the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her. _

They both did their best to get rid of the awkwardness but no small talk about basketball results or the latest oddball TV show could wipe away all of the tension. He asked the waitress for coffee for both of them while Amanda tried to finish her burger. They got another set of coffee to go and Fin left the waitress a hefty tip on the table.

As they headed out he let Amanda pass him and he automatically reached out to touch her, it was just a light hand on her back but they were both very much aware of it and he pulled back as soon as he realized what he'd done. It bugged him though that just a light hand on her back got them both so rattled and before they reached the car he just couldn't let it go on like this.

"Look I'm sorry," he blurted out and stopped dead in his tracks.

She turned to look at him.

"I didn't mean to make things more complicated…"  
"_You_ don't make it more complicated Fin," she cut in quickly, "I'm the one who's screwed up here."

He just watched her, knowing shaking his head would just be insincere.

"I'm the one that need to get my head screwed back on, not you," she continued as she had more to say, "You're the sweetest man I know…"

She had to stop and swallow, trying her best to hold back tears that threaten to escape.

"What I've put you through and you do this for me…" she let her hand sweep over the parking lot over to their car.  
"Most guys would've been out the door two years ago but you were there for me through all that. And then… I go and mess up again…"

This time he did shake his head, he couldn't let her take blame for some sociopathic kid revoking the ordeal she'd been through. They were bound to hit a set back at some point.

"No, Fin," she said though and raised her hand at him to get him to stop shaking his head, "What I did to you Friday… that's unforgiveable."  
"I get to decide-"  
"I went to see Anton yesterday," she said, cutting him off.

He felt completely cold inside.

"I got him to give me Okeke's location. I haven't heard or been able to call but I hope they have him. He should be off the streets now."

Fin just stared at her. He'd heard what she said and he figured he should be glad Okeke was out of commission but the only thing he could picture in his head was images of her with Anton.

"Fin," she breathed.  
"Did you…," he started but then seemed to change his mind, "No don't tell me, I don't want to know."  
"Fin…"

She took a step closer to him.

"Nah, don't," he said and raised his hand at her to keep her away.

She bit her lip, hard, but managed somehow to keep her tears inside. He'd turned away from her slightly, dragged a hand over his scalp in that way he always did when he was stressed or upset. She figured he was upset right now.

"We should hit the road," he said and started walking towards the car.  
"Give me the keys, I want to drive," he said and she quickly got the keys up.

She wanted to hold on to them, force him to take them from her but she could feel his anger so she just dropped them in the palm he'd extended towards her. He'd started the car even before she'd closed the door and she buckled in quickly to be strapped in so he would have a harder time leaving her by the roadside if he wanted to.

She figured he had to be either absent-minded or very angry as it took him several miles before he flipped the station on the radio. She was afraid to say anything, tried to not even breath too hard. _She always managed to ruin everything. _

When her phone suddenly rang, the vibrations tickling her ribs as the phone in her pocket was pressed up against them, she simultaneously jumped and gasped. Her strong reaction made him flinch as well, his hands steady on the wheel though. They exchanged a look as she fumbled to get her phone up. She didn't check the screen but just put her phone to her ear.

"Amanda," she answered a bit rushed.

She heard the dial tone in her ear and brought the phone down to have a look at it.

Fin watched her move her finger over the screen, her face with a frown all over it.

"Who was it?" he asked curiously.  
"Amanda," he had to say to get her attention, the screen still having her full attention.  
"Who was it?" he asked again when she glanced up at him, his eyes fixating on the crease between her eyes.  
"Eh…," she looked back down on her phone again, "Hailey. Hailey Specter."  
"That girl from a couple of weeks ago?"  
"Aha."  
"What did she say?" he asked.  
"Amanda."

Again he had to drag her attention off the screen by calling out her name.

"What did she want?"  
"…I dunno. She'd already hung up."

She'd written a short text asking Hailey to call again if she felt like it and hit send, placing her phone in her lap once she was done.

"Maybe a misdial?" he suggested, she gave him a little shrug.

When the phone suddenly started ringing again she jumped once again. This time she did have a look at the screen though and shot him a puzzled look before she put the phone to her ear. He didn't get the look until he heard her say;

"Tucker?"  
"Rollins," the lieutenant answered on the other end.

Fin watched her sit up slightly in her seat.

"Am I disturbing you?" Tucker asked as though he could sense her discomfort.  
"No, sir. No," she said clearing her throat.  
"I was thinking maybe you wanted an update on how last night went."  
"Yeah s-," she swallowed the sir fearing what Fin would think of her showing such respect for the man they all despised on any regular day in the squad room, "Yes I would like that."  
"He was apprehended. Didn't go down easy. One fatality, one of his though so no real damage. Some of ours got injured but they will heal."

Amanda thought she heard a child's voice coming up in the background, Tucker mumbled something. Sounded like he'd muffled the phone but he soon came back and it sounded like he stepped in to a smaller room.

"Bosses are pleased with the takedown. Good intel. They will get him on gun charges and all of that if nothing else, he won't be walking free anytime soon."

Amanda nodded, wasn't sure exactly what to say.

"You heard me detective?" Tucker asked.  
"Yeah. Yes. I heard, that's great news. Glad he's off the streets."  
"Yes one less scum to worry about," Tucker agreed.  
"So…," Tucker started, "What are you up to detective? Saturday night and all."

Amanda glanced Fin's way.

"Eh… just… _driving_," she said a bit hesitant.  
"Driving? I hope that means you're sober detective," Tucker said and added what she thought was a chuckle. She figured he might've tried to joke but she wasn't sure.

"Yes, yes I am."  
"Well night is still young. Maybe you have time for a drink as well…"  
"Eh… maybe," she answered feeling very uneasy. She could feel Fin throwing looks at her.  
"I could use a drink myself, you know babysitting is hard labor…"

Again she wasn't sure if he was joking or not.

"You driving in the city detective?"

She wasn't sure what to say. _What he was actually asking_.

"No sir, I'm quite a bit outside… the city."  
"Oh I see," Tucker said and seemed disappointed. There was a pause until he came back again.  
"Traffic?"  
"What's that?"  
"Is there traffic? A lot of traffic I mean."  
"Eh no, not really."  
"Good, that's good. Nice to be able to not mind the other idiots."  
"Yeah…"  
"Well I should let you mind the road detective."

There was another silent pause.

"I'll see you tomorrow detective," he finally said.  
"Yes, sir, tomorrow. Bye," she hurried to hang up.  
"Did he just try and small talk?" Fin asked having been listening in on the whole thing and finding their talk peculiar.  
"I think so," she answered a bit taken a back herself.

She checked quickly if Hailey had texted her back but found that wasn't the case and quickly put the phone down in her pocket again, wanting to distance herself from the odd talk.

"They have Okeke though," she said glancing at Fin, "Sounded like Tucker was certain they would lock him up."  
"That's good," Fin said keeping his eyes on the road ahead, "I hope it was worth it."

He glanced her way but she'd turned her head slightly away from him so he couldn't see her reaction. He felt a little bad. He didn't feel as angry any longer though, mostly just disappointed. The thought of her with Anton disgusted him. _He would never understand how she could ever go there after what Gordon did to her. She shouldn't let herself get degraded like that. Nothing was worth that_.

"It's good he's off the streets. Will do Sierra good to hear that as well," he said wanting to redeem himself a little.  
"Yeah I'll give her a ring tomorrow," Amanda answered with her head still turned away from him.

They drove for several miles without another word being said. He suggested they got some coffee in a drive-through later on and they small talked a little the rest of the way. They got home late and since they had an early shift the next day it went without saying that they should head for bed straight away.

"Would you mind…" he said as they walked inside, "…staying in your room tonight."

He tried to put it out there nicely but the message was rather clear.

"No, sure, of course," she said and sneaked in to her room as he went further down the hall to the bathroom.

She waited long enough, let minutes pass after she'd heard the toilet flush, before she walked down to prep herself for bed. It hurt to have been banned from his bedroom but she didn't blame him. _She had no one to blame but herself. With the rate she was letting him down she figured she would be out of her home in no time. That would mean out of a best friend and possibly a partner as well. What would happen if he no longer wanted to work with her? She would have to transfer. Liv wouldn't choose her over him, and she didn't want Liv to have to choose either. She would make it easy for them. Just slip out of their lives. She'd done it before. She just had to catch Soldier and whoever was in charge of this vigilance group. She would finish that job and then she'd take whatever came her way._

**She was a little surprised** to find him talking to her the next morning. She wouldn't have blamed him if he did the silent treatment again. He was his usual tired self but she had done nothing but think during the night. She'd spent hours tossing and turning, filled with thoughts and worries about what was to come, what the repercussions of her latest stunt would be. When she woke up, having just grabbed a few hours of sleep, it felt as worries had haunted her during the short sleep since her head was killing her. She knew she had to take the bull by the horn before they reached the station.

"Do you want me to tell Benson to pair me with someone else?" she asked.

Fin gave her a quick look.

"Nah I don't want to work with anyone else," he said as their station house got in sight.  
"But Amanda…" he had to pause to direct his attention to the street as he pulled in to the lot. He caught her anxious eyes staring at him as he glanced her way again. He put the car in park and turned slightly towards her.

"You need to get your shit together. Soon. I can't… stand by and watch you keep…," he seemed to search for the right word, "_hurting_ yourself. I obviously can't help you so you need to… if doc Olivet isn't the right one then we have to find you someone else cause this isn't holding up Amanda. It's just not holding up."

She nodded. She wanted to tell him she agreed but her throat was closed up.

"Yeah?" he asked and she nodded again.  
"Let's talk about it later though, try keeping focused on work today."

She agreed again and they stepped out of the car, walking in to the station looking more composed than either of them felt.

**As usual a weekend off** meant a few cases had rolled in. With everyone at work in time Liv stepped out of her office to hand out assignments. She asked Nick to join her to talk to an assault victim in the hospital, a married woman and she'd made some admissions that made hospital staff think her husband was the assailant. She asked Fin to take lead on a reported rape on Lower East Side, taking Rollins and Winters with him. A crime scene unit was already on site and the victim had reluctantly let paramedics bring her to the ER to get a rape kit done.

Fin said they had a handle on it and the trio headed out. They went to the crime site first and while there the presumed victim arrived back seeming reluctant to report the attempted rape. Fin let Amanda talk to her, hoping she would be able to persuade her to report it. They thought the fact that the medical staff hadn't been able to record any findings on her body made the victim fearful she wouldn't be believed. Her clothes had been sent to the crime lab though, the victim's apartment had obviously been through something and they had no reason to believe the victim was making up false claims.

When Amanda finally came out of the room, leaving the victim behind inside, she looked a bit distraught.

"What? You couldn't convince her to report?" Fin guessed.  
"Eh… no, she's ready to come in to the station to leave a statement," Amanda said rubbing her forehead.  
"Then what?" he asked. She raised her phone, he hadn't noticed she was clinging on to it.  
"Hailey's been trying to call me, like… a lot. I need to call her back."  
"Okay," Fin said a bit hesitant, "but we're taking her in?"  
"Yeah, she's just in the bathroom freshening up, I'll be right back."

He followed her with his eyes but Keith walked up and got in his line of sight.

"What's the word boss?"

Fin gave him a glare, he'd gotten in to this habit of calling him boss lately and Fin didn't like it. He didn't have those ambitions and Liv possibly moving up to lieutenant did not make him want to take the Sarge exam.

"We're going to take her in, she just needs a minute," Fin said.  
"Victim or Rollins?" Keith asked and got another glare.  
"Both I guess but victim is freshening up, she'll be right out, try not to spook her."

Keith gave him a look but Fin got disturbed by his phone buzzing.

"Liv," Fin answered, "What's up?"  
"Things going okay on your side?" she asked.  
"Yepp, sure thing, we're bringing the victim in to take her statement."  
"Good, that's good," Liv said but sounded a bit distracted.  
"You ran in to trouble on your end?" Fin guessed.  
"…no, we're good. Look I just got a call from Helen Specter, Hailey Specter's mother."  
"Yeah?" Fin said and moved the same way he'd seen Amanda walk out just a minute ago. He already knew his call would be linked to Hailey calling Amanda.

"I tried to get a hold of Rollins but her line is busy."  
"Yeah I know, what's up?" Fin said looking around but couldn't spot Amanda anywhere.  
"Philip Pulliam escaped his detail as he was taken to the hospital complaining of abdominal pain-"  
"What the hell were they doing taking him out of prison," Fin grunted in to the phone.  
"He was beaten up last week, they feared it could be serious," Liv tried to explain even though she was pissed as well.  
"Helen can't get a hold of Hailey though, and her school can't seem to locate her."

Fin peaked out the door and spotted Amanda further down the corridor. The moment she turned and their eyes locked he knew things were terribly wrong.

"We don't know the two incidents are linked but-"  
"I'm afraid they are Sarge," Fin breathed.

**Forty five minutes later** Fin and Amanda arrived down at lower Manhattan, he parked outside a perimeter lined with police tape. A crying Hailey had called Amanda up, it had taken several minutes for Amanda to get her to say anything that made sense. Amanda learned that Hailey was with Philip. She'd gone to see him voluntarily but now she was scared, he had a gun and he was saying they would die together. Their love would be everlasting.

While Amanda had Hailey on the phone Fin got Liv to start a trace on Amanda's phone to try and get a signal on Hailey's location. Their call got disrupted after a few minutes and Amanda kept trying to redial but Hailey wasn't picking up again. Thankfully they got a read on Hailey's phone quickly and while Keith took their victim in to the station Fin drove himself and Amanda to Hailey's location.

During their ride they found out from Liv, who was also in route to the location, that Hailey's mother had found a letter in her daughter's room written by Philip after he was sentenced. She'd been unaware they'd been in contact and judging by recent diary notes the mother had found her daughter was still harboring romantic feelings towards the mother's ex. The prison ward had Philip's cell searched and they'd found two letters from Hailey, letters that must've gotten through unauthorized channel to get to him as his post had been screened.

Amanda tried to get pass the tape but got stopped by an officer. She was already worked up and asked fiercely to speak to the person in charge. Liv arrived just then, Nick jumping out from behind the wheel and both of them joining Amanda and Fin as a lieutenant from another district gave them a quick report.

Two officers had seen Philip with Hailey, confronting them as they acted a little out of the ordinary. At that time Philip had pulled a gun and dragged Hailey with him inside the building. They'd been held up in there for over two hours now. Any attempt to make contact with Philip had failed. They were trying to get eyes in there but technicians had just arrived as well.

"Let me go in there," Amanda said turning to Liv.  
"Absolutely not," Liv said immediately.  
"Why don't you have a hostage negotiator on site?" Liv said turning to the lieutenant.  
"We don't know she's a hostage," the lieutenant tried but Amanda quickly jumped in.  
"She is," she said firmly, "_And_ he's threatening to kill her. You have to get her out of there."

Liv put a hand on Amanda's arm but she shied away, seeming very bothered by the physical contact but tried to hide it as soon as she saw Liv registering her reaction.

"You do know he's a pedophile right," Nick jumped in to the conversation now, having been standing patiently in the background but losing his patience fast.  
"We know now yes, we didn't to start with," the lieutenant tried to excuse them it seemed.  
"So you've called a negotiator now?" Liv asked. His face told him that wasn't the case.  
"Oh c'mon," Amanda sighed and threw her hands out in the air.  
"When were you last in contact with her?" Liv asked trying to be creative as the people at site obviously weren't.  
"At least forty five minutes ago," Amanda guessed and looked at Fin to get it affirmed. He nodded.  
"I've tried calling but she's not picking up."  
"Can you try one more time?" Liv asked and Amanda immediately got on her phone, taking a few steps away from the group.

Liv kept an eye on her at the same time as she turned to the lieutenant and started giving him orders. She didn't care if he outranked her, this was her case now and she demanded proper procedures from now on. When she caught Amanda's eyes again she got from Amanda shaking her head that Hailey wasn't picking up.

"Keep trying," Liv mouthed at her and then asked Fin to stay with Amanda while she went over to see if the technicians had gotten eyes inside yet. Nick followed her over.

Philip was located in the basement of an old office building. There were a few rooms down there but they had located him in the bigger room closest to their own location. They couldn't find a way in from the back, windows were blocked from inside so the only way in was the door through which Philip had entered. Far as they knew it wasn't bolted or locked but they really had no way of knowing as the only eyes they had inside right now were through a vent which gave them a bad angle as well as a fan that blurred their vision.

Liv had a look at the monitor as the image came up. She could see Philip moving in and out of frame, pacing like he was stressed and every now and then they spotted the gun in his hand.

"Can you move the camera any? We could really use a visual of the girl," Liv asked.

The officer got on his intercom and asked his man in the building if he can try and get the camera just a little further to the fan without risking it getting hacked by the blades. Both Liv and Nick moved closer to the monitor as the camera started to move slightly. Liv smiled briefly as Hailey showed up on the image but it vanished as they could tell how distraught she was. They had no sound but she was crying, sitting on a stack of pallets in the middle of the room and she jumped when Philip screamed something at her. She shied away from him as he pointed the gun at her but then she started fumbling in her own pocket and both Liv and Nick directed their eyes over at Amanda when it was clear Hailey was putting her phone to her ear.

They both could tell when Amanda heard the girl's voice and Liv pushed Nick over towards Amanda so she could stay by the monitor to keep her eye on what was going on inside. While Amanda tried to calm Hailey down Liv watched Philip starting pacing again.

"Could you try getting him on the phone with me?" Amanda tried and then listened to Hailey beg Philip to take the phone.  
"No, I'm not talking to the police," Amanda heard Philip scream on the other side of the line.  
"He doesn't want to," Hailey cried in to the phone.  
"It's gonna be fine Hailey. I'm right outside," Amanda tried.  
"He's going to kill me," Hailey cried.  
"No, I won't let him do that Hailey."  
"Tell my mom I love her. That I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen."  
"You're going to get to tell her that yourself Hailey, c'mon hun, try and stay calm Hailey," Amanda tried to keep calm as well but her heart was pounding hard and she felt lightheaded.

Fin's strong hand on her shoulder sobered her up some. He got her to let go of her own hair that she'd apparently been clutching on to hard near her scalp. He had to physically help her release the grip all while she kept talking calmly to Hailey.

"Can you ask him if it's okay for me to come in there," Amanda asked, turning away as both Fin and Nick franticly started to shake their heads at her.

"Absolutely not," Fin whispered stepping around her to get in front of her again.

Amanda listened to Hailey address Philip but he yelled out that any cops that came in there would be dead. Liv had just gotten audio and heard Philip's threat. She tried to signal Nick that they had audio but he had a hard time interpreting what she was trying to tell him. He thought maybe he wanted them all to get over there and he tried to get Fin's attention who then started to steer Amanda over towards Liv.

"Tell him I'm your friend," Amanda tried and heard Hailey tell Philip that.

He didn't respond at that though but instead yelled at her to hang up.

"Don't hang up Hailey, listen to me just keep the line open, pretend you're hanging up but leave it open," Amanda blurted out stressed over the thought of losing her connection with the girl. She heard a tone in the phone and feared Hailey had hung up but after a bit of static she heard Hailey and Philip's distant voices.

"She left the line open," Amanda said quietly to Fin.  
"That's good," he said while trying to steer her towards Liv and the others.

Their attention got turned to the monitor as Philip's angry voice was heard. Directed at Hailey they heard him say they would die soon, that they _had_ to die soon. Hailey's cry was heartbreaking.

"We need the negotiator here asap," Liv sighed, "do we have an ETA?"

No one seemed able to answer her. Instead they heard Hailey cry out she didn't want to die. Fin rubbed his scalp, it was painful to hear the girl plead for her life like that. When he looked to his right though he didn't see Amanda. She'd been there just a second ago.

"No," he screamed out as he saw her duck under the tape, moving towards the building.  
"Amanda," Liv called out, but then shouted, "No Fin."

Nick had turned and tried to run after Amanda as well but it was obvious they wouldn't catch her before she reached the building so he instead turned his focus to Fin. He tried to grab a hold of Fin to hold him back from the tape.

"Let me go," Fin yelled and tried pushing Nick off him.  
"It's too late," Nick tried but Fin didn't agree.

When Fin made another attempt to get under the tape Nick shoved him and he fell to the ground. Nick expected to get smacked but instead Fin stayed on all four and turned his eyes towards the building where he saw Amanda's back disappear inside.

Liv had watched the scene in horror but quickly turned to the monitor when it got evident Amanda would make it inside. She saw Philip rash reaction inside as Amanda entered. He grabbed on to Hailey and put the gun to her head, pulling her back with him.

"Where's the sound? We need sound," Liv shouted as she could tell Philip was shouting something but no sound was heard. The tech guy got on his intercom again and asked why they had no sound.

"Here," Nick came up behind her carrying Amanda's phone that she'd either dropped on purpose or by accident as she made a bolt towards the building.

"I'll kill her," they heard Philip's stressed voice through a raspy line.  
"You don't want to do that, you love her," came Amanda's answer.

Philip seemed to hesitate but then redirected his gun as Amanda got visible on the screen. Philip aimed the gun straight at her.

"I'll kill you," he yelled.

Liv hissed, dragging her hand nervously through her hair. They couldn't hear Amanda's answer but she took another few steps towards Philip and Hailey.

"What the hell is she doing," Nick mumbled.

Amanda felt completely calm. She was staring down a gun barrel but it didn't rattle her. It was better to stare down that then see Hailey's distraught face. It was hard to disregard the sound of her sobbing though.

"I know you love her Philip. Hailey has told me, and she loves you too Philip," Amanda spoke calmly.

Her hands were slightly raised in front of her so he would know she wasn't a threat. He still looked a bit bewildered but it did look as though he heard her words and took them in. She could tell by slight glimpses on his face and by the way his hand eased slightly around the gun.

Philip Pulliam was quite a large man. He was in his mid-forties but looked young for his age. He obviously cared about his appearance. During the trial Amanda had spent a lot of time observing him out of the corner of her eye. The nice haircut, the tan that she suspected was a spray tan and the toned arm muscles that he showed off once as he took his blazer off, the courtroom being slightly warm that day. All that told her he put money and effort in to his looks.

Prison had, even with the short amount of time he'd spent there so far, not done him any favors. His hair was grown out some, gone was the nice haircut and gone was the tan. He was only in a tee and his muscles flexed whenever he changed a grip around Hailey or the gun, he looked as though he was still working out. Probably a necessity for a pedophile in prison. That hadn't helped him though.

His face wore evident signs of a recent beating. He had a shiner around one eye and a cut going down his badly shaved cheek. The knuckles on the hand he was holding the gun with showed signs that he'd been able to get a few hits in on his attacker or attackers though. He looked very different from the calm and composed man she'd seen in court. This guy was boarding on a nervous breakdown, eyes flickering all over the place and he very much looked like he would be able to pull that trigger.

"She's told me about you Philip. She didn't want you to go to prison, she never wanted any of this to happen."  
"Shut up, shut up," he yelled out and his grip tightened around the gun again.  
"You're a cop, I can't trust you."  
"You can. You can Philip. Ask Hailey if you can trust me."

Philip seemed puzzled but his eyes shifted slightly down towards Hailey who had started nodding.

"You can," she said through sobs, "She's alright Philip. I trust her."

Amanda gave Hailey a smile.

"You can too Philip," Amanda said reassuring, "I'm going to show you that you can trust me okay? I have a gun-"

Philip's gun jerked in the air as he heard the word 'gun' and Amanda raised her hands a little higher.

"It's on my hip, I'm going to very slowly bring it out-"  
"No, no, don't bring it out," Philip yelled and put his gun against Hailey's head again.  
"Okay, calm down Philip," Amanda tried, she preferred to have the gun pointed at her.  
"Turn your gun at me again Philip. C'mon, point it at me instead," Amanda urged and kept coaxing him until his gun again was redirected her way.

"I want to put my gun on the ground to show you that you can trust me Philip. You can pull the trigger if you feel unsure but I promise you that all I'm going to do is put the gun on the ground."

Very carefully she opened up her jacket and first showed Philip where her gun was at. She turned slightly so he would have a better look on the gun at all times and then she slowly reached for it.

"Slowly," he yelled out and she slowed down even further.  
"I'm gonna take the clip out and then put them both on the ground. You can trust me Philip," she said calmly once the gun was in her hands.  
"This is how you remove the clip, and I'm going to put them on the ground now."  
"Kick them towards me," Philip said, having suddenly remembered a scene from a crime show he'd recently seen.

Amanda did as told, the gun and clip clattered against the rough surface on the ground as they slid over towards him. Philip looked pleased but then wasn't sure how to reach for them and just let them be.

"So I'm unarmed-"  
"Cops have extra pieces," Philip yelled out, "Around their ankles, I've seen it."  
"I don't Philip, I'm going to show you," Amanda said.  
"Slowly," Philip yelled again, gun shivering in the air in front of him.  
"Okay," she whispered and then slowly pulled up one pant leg at a time to show him her ankles were clear.  
"Why don't you have a spare gun?" Philip questioned.  
"I only pack one when we're going out on busts or something. I didn't know I would be here today so I didn't bring a backup weapon," she explained calmly.  
"But I don't want to shoot you Philip. I just want Hailey to be safe. That's why I'm in here."  
"She's safe with me," Philip said.  
"I don't think she feels safe right now Philip," Amanda said carefully.

Philip threw Hailey anxious glances.

"You're fine baby," he whispered down at her, "I'm not going to hurt you."

He placed a sloppy kiss on her temple all while keeping a side eye at Amanda. Hailey's face crumbled at the contact.

"You said you were going to kill me," Hailey cried and started sobbing violently again.  
"You really don't want to harm her right Philip?" Amanda tried, "You love her right. All she wants is to live and be able to love you back. You will let her live right? You wouldn't harm her would you Philip?"  
"No, no," Philip mumbled.  
"So how about you let her walk out of here," Amanda suggested but saw Philip immediately tighten his grip around her.  
"You're going to kill me then, those men out there are going to kill me then," he yelled. Amanda shook her head slowly.  
"You're going to have me as your hostage. That will keep you safe Philip. Those people out there won't do anything as long as I am in here. I'm NYPD Philip, they wouldn't do anything to risk my life. You and I will work it out but we don't need Hailey in here for that. Look at her Philip, she's very upset…"

Again Philip's eyes darted down on the sobbing girl in his arms.

"Hailey I love you…" he said obviously upset by seeing his love that distraught.  
"I love you too," the girl cried.  
"See she loves you Philip. If anything happened to you she would be devastated. Please let her walk out of here and we can work this out. I promise you we will work it out Philip."

She could tell he was hesitant. His only reason to break out of prison could've been to be with Hailey and if he lost that prospect she knew he might do something rash but she had to get Hailey out of there. After that whatever was supposed to happen could happen. She wasn't afraid of dying.

"Let her go Philip. Show me that you love her and let her go."  
"I'll never see her again…" Philip said distraught.  
"True love always wins Philip," Amanda tried, "You trust her right, when she tells you she loves you, you trust her when she says that right?"

Philip nodded.

"And I can see it too. You love each other. Please let Hailey go Philip so we can work this out…"  
"I love you baby, you know that…" he whispered.  
"I know," Hailey sobbed.

Amanda could tell how scared she really was. Philip raised his arm slightly upwards and for a second Amanda feared he was going to strangle the girl but she just tried holding her breath as she knew that if the gun went off now it could hit Hailey. Philip hugged the girl.

"I love you," he repeated and then finally started to let go.  
"Come over to me Hailey," Amanda said calmly when the girl just remained frozen in front of the larger man even after he'd let her go completely.  
"Just move slowly," Amanda urged and Hailey was able to put one foot in front of the other.

It looked as though Hailey expected a gunshot in the back of her head at any time and Amanda also feared slightly that Philip would change his mind all of a sudden.

"Just walk outside calmly," Amanda said smiling.  
"I don't want to leave you in here," Hailey said and grabbed Amanda's extended hand.  
"I'll be fine, Philip and I will be fine," she answered and gave Philip a look.  
"Just don't run when you get outside okay hun," Amanda said, knowing how trigger happy some officers were but she trusted they would see the different between a tall man and a teenage girl.

"I'm sorry," Hailey whispered.  
"Don't, it's okay Hailey, just go outside now," Amanda tried to hurry her along.  
"I'm sorry," Hailey repeated but then started moving towards the door.  
"She's going to walk out," Amanda said calmly to Philip, "It's the right thing to do Philip."

She heard Hailey drag her feet and she wished she hadn't told her to take it so slowly as the wait was making her nervous. Philip looked anything but trustworthy and he was squeezing the handle of the gun so hard his hand had started to shake.

"Just keep your gun at me," Amanda said as she saw his eyes steer towards Hailey.

When she finally heard the door close behind her back she was able to exhale properly.

"Get over here," Philip said and Amanda moved slowly towards him.

She flinched as he reached out and grabbed a fistful of her hair, pulling her harshly in to him and putting that cool metal ring against her forehead.

"Just stay calm Philip," she tried but had to grit her teeth as he roughly spun her around, pinning her back to himself and rearranged his grip around her. The gun was quickly back pressed up against her head.

"Calm," she tried but it got lost somewhere in their heavy breathing.

She wasn't sure if it was her own heart or his beating so hard against her back. She figured it could just be both of their hearts pounding as one.

"Just hush, just hush," Philip started rambling, sounding a bit mental. He had his back against the wall and it felt as though he tried to slide down with her but changed his mind all of a sudden. She realized why as he moved them slightly so he could kick the gun and clip away from them. Once that was done he did slide down the wall, bringing her down with him.

"Be quiet, I need to think, need to think," he mumbled.

She didn't say a word, just tried to stay absolutely still and get control over her own rapid breathing.

Hailey's mother had arrived right after Amanda went inside and she was there to embrace her daughter once she got outside. The girl started running the moment she spotted her mom and Liv had to hold Helen back from not entering the blocked off are. She let the mother and child hug for a while. It was rewarding to see the girl safe but Liv wouldn't feel completely relaxed until she saw her detective walk out unharmed as well.

"Hailey," Liv tried after a while, putting her hand on the girl's back.  
"Can you tell me anything that will help me get Philip and Amanda safely out of there?" she asked once she had the girl's attention. Hailey looked clueless.  
"Anything at all that you can think of that will help me get them out unharmed," Liv urged. Hailey shook her head, a panicked look over her face.  
"You knew he was breaking out of prison," Fin suddenly spoke out behind Liv's back.

Liv thought it was a question at first but realized it wasn't when she saw Fin's stern look. And the guilty look all over Hailey's face made them not have to ask the question either.

"Honey," Helen whispered shocked.  
"That's what you wanted to tell Amanda when you called her last night right," Fin spoke again.  
"Hailey," Liv reprimanded, she wanted an explanation from the girl now.  
"He called me, he said he would fake injuries and that he was coming for me," Hailey broke down in tears again, "Mom I was so scared, I didn't know what to do."  
"You weren't scared," Fin said though, "You _wanted_ him to come for you."

Hailey's face spoke the truth again.

"Honey," Helen uttered again, this time sounding disappointed more than shocked.  
"I just love him, I can't help it," Hailey cried and forced herself in to her mother's embrace again.

"She talked to Amanda last night?" Liv turned to Fin instead. Fin shook his head.  
"She hung up," Fin said cocking his head at Hailey, "Amanda thought it was a misdial and Hailey didn't reply to her text either so…" Fin shrugged.

Liv sighed and shot Hailey a look. She didn't have time to bother with the girl right now, she had to get her detective out of there and out of harm's way. Fin threw Hailey a look as well, wanted to cuss her out but he could also see a young Amanda in her. Not that he could picture even a young Amanda sobbing like this or in the arms of her mother but it had dawned on him that Hailey had the same strong feelings for Philip as Amanda still had for Danny. He hated to get enlighten like that when all he really wanted was to spit and curse so he turned his back to the sobbing girl and walked after Liv over to the monitor.

"They haven't spoken for a while," Nick informed them as Liv and Fin joined him again.

Both Liv and Fin moved in to see Philip on the floor with Amanda in front of him, gun pressed so hard in to her head it was tilted in what looked like a uncomfortable angle.

"The call was disrupted," Nick said and handed Amanda's phone to Fin, "but we got better audio now from vent. They've been able to turn the fan off so the image is clearer as well."  
"Will that increase the heat in there as well? Can we sweat him out?" Liv knew she was grasping for straws.  
"That tiny fan didn't do much for ventilation," the tech guy said, "I don't think we can use that strategy. I got a man going down another vent though, according to sketches it should take him there."

The guy pointed to position up in the corner of the screen.

"We don't have a visual on it now but I spotted it earlier," he said, "it wasn't on the floor print we first got but we went back some years and found it."

Liv liked how professional he sounded and it turned out he was both reassuring, and a mind reader, as well when he quickly added;

"And he won't make a sound. We will get your detective out of there."

The officer going through the air vent had a camera turned on and soon they had two different angles of the room. They were in for a bit of wait though. Philip stayed silent for close to thirty minutes, only now and then mumbling something that only Amanda picked up but she couldn't make any sense of it. His grip around her had eased slightly though as minutes passed and she figured whatever adrenaline rush he'd been on might've eased as well as the hard on she'd felt against her back was gone now. She figured it could just be he wasn't as turned on by grown women as he was of young girls though but the thought disturbed her so she tried to push it out.

"Philip…" she tried once the gun wasn't pushing her head sideways either any longer. Her talking though made him gather himself quickly and she huffed as he squeezed her very tightly.

"I just… can we get you something? A water maybe?"  
"No. No. No one's coming in here," he said stressed.  
"They could just leave it outside, no one has to come inside."

When he kept quiet she figured it was okay to go on.

"Are you thirsty Philip? Maybe you're hungry?"

He didn't answer though and it made her nervous.

"Are you hurting Philip? That was quite a beating you took, do you need some medicine maybe?"  
"My heart is hurting," Philip suddenly yelled very close to her ear, so loud it made her flinch and pinch her eyes shut.  
"I've lost the love of my life don't you get it. My life is over. I've been jailed for my love. No medicine can fix that."  
"No I can understand that-"  
"No you can't. You don't get it," Philip interrupted her and was back at shouting so loudly it hurt her eardrum.

She thought about telling him she did get it. _She could tell him about Danny, try to bond with him but truth was she didn't really care about bonding with him. She was perfectly fine with dying in here today. She would rather do that than to spill anything about her sordid childhood with her squad probably listening in. They already had enough dirt on her. _

She'd spotted two air vents and had been studying the one right in front of them for a while. She'd caught a glimpse of the monitor outside and she figured that angle must mean the camera was in there. Even though she tried she couldn't spot it though. She figured it might just be a needle eye camera. She'd spotted the other air vent as well, the one that was now high up on the wall behind them, but she didn't dare glancing up there right now. She was pretty sure they had both eyes and ears on them by now but she would just try to not think about that right now.

"Do you want to die Philip?" she asked instead.  
"Huh?" he breathed.  
"I just want to know if you have a death wish. You did tell Hailey that the two of you would die in here today. Do you still want to die Philip?"  
"I don't want to die," he answered and sounded the most calm she'd heard him today. The answer actually disappointed her though. It would be much easier to end this if he had a death wish.

"You don't want to die alone?" she tried.  
"I never wanted to die period. All I've ever wanted was to find love and I did find that."  
"In Hailey," Amanda guessed.  
"In Hailey," he affirmed, "she's the best thing that's ever happened to me."  
"Also the worst. You wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for her," Amanda reminded him.  
"Love is never easy," Philip mumbled and it made Amanda chuckled.  
"Damn right," she whispered.

They both stayed quiet for a bit but Amanda was getting restless.

"So if you don't want to die then how about we walk out of here," she suggested.  
"It's not that easy. They won't just let me walk out. They will kill me or send me back to that horrible place. I know what's waiting for me there. They told me, those men that beat me up. They will do it again and they will rape me, next time they said they would _rape_ me. I can't just let that happen."  
"Maybe they think you deserve it," Amanda suggested.  
"I never raped Hailey," Philip spat out, pressing the gun against her head again.

Amanda just held her breath, waiting for him to pull the trigger.

"I told her we should've waited but _she_ didn't want to wait. She said she wanted me. I never hurt her."

Amanda felt a bit disappointed when the gun eased against her temple. She actually felt failure when he removed the gun altogether.

They both flinched when a voice suddenly rang out outside the building.

"Philip Pulliam, my name is Sergeant Olivia Benson."

Amanda had recognized her voice even before she said her name. She was talking through a megaphone but her voice was still distinct.

"We want to talk to you. Hailey's phone is still in there. I'm going to call it Philip. Please pick up the phone when I call."

Philip looked around the room, he couldn't spot the phone at first but as it started ringing he figured where it was at and started to get up on his feet, dragging her along. There was a window high up on the wall closer to the door and Philip kept a watchful eye on it as he moved them across the room. She knew there were no snipers peeking through there though, there were no opposing buildings to take a shot from and she found it highly unlikely anyone were outside either the door or window right now. Philip probably didn't know but he'd chosen a rather good spot to hideout at.

The phone had stopped ringing as Liv reached Hailey's voicemail but it soon started ringing again. Philip's breath had picked up again and the way he moved made him seem very on edge. He leaned in over the phone to look at it but then pulled back nervously.

"You pick it up," he breathed but didn't let go off her at first.  
"No sudden moves, just pick up the phone and stay still," he ordered her and then shoved her away from him. He moved over to the wall, pressing his back up against it with his gun at Amanda.

"Pick it up," he yelled when she was left just standing.

He moved towards the door, threw anxious looks out the small window up by the roof. Amanda picked the phone up and put it to her ear.

"What are you trying to do Amanda," Liv immediately whispered in to her ear.

Amanda didn't move a muscle or showed any emotions. Truth was she didn't feel any emotions right now.

"What do you want?" she asked in to the phone. She picked up on Liv's sigh on the other side.  
"Will you ask him if he'll talk to me," Liv asked.  
"The sergeant wants to talk to you," Amanda relayed to Philip.  
"No," he said decisive.  
"You heard?" Amanda asked Liv.  
"Yeah, can you ask if I can send in some food or water."  
"She's asking if you want food or water," Amanda relayed.  
"I want free passage," Philip answered quickly, "Tell her I want a plane, no a helicopter that will take me anywhere I want to go. I'm taking you with me until I'm safe. Tell her that."  
"He wants a helicopter," Amanda said even though she was pretty sure Liv had already heard, "Free passage for the two of us."  
"I can't let him take you with him."  
"I'm okay to go sergeant."  
"No, you're not. Tell him I'll give him a helicopter if he lets you go."

Amanda couldn't help but smirk. They played this guy for a fool.

"She'll let you have a helicopter if you let me go," Amanda told him.

A flare of anger went over his face.

"Hang up," he yelled and she did as told.

Philip grunted, rubbed his face with some evident frustration and for a moment his gun sank towards the floor slightly. The pallets were between them but she wasn't sure she would've tried anything even if they had not been.

"Maybe a car would be more realistic?"  
"Maybe you should shut up," he yelled out and he aimed at her again.  
"Oh God all I want is to get away from that place," he was back to sounding miserable.  
"I thought all you wanted was Hailey?" she questioned.

Philip ignored her though, he seemed to be thinking something over and then he went under the window, keeping his back against the wall. He peeked out from the other side.

"I don't belong there, you know that right?" he said looking at her. She nodded.  
"Hailey doesn't think I should be there either, shouldn't she have some say in it?"

Amanda didn't answer that and he didn't seem to expect an answer either.

"Sit down, you're making me nervous standing like that," he said waving the gun at her. She sat down on the pallets.  
"What's your plan Philip?" she asked.  
"Stop. Shut up. Don't… stress me," he said angrily.

He jumped as Liv's voice was heard outside again.

"Philip I'm going to call you again, please talk to me."

Amanda was still holding on to the phone and looked at it as it started ringing again.

"Hang up," he said and she swiped over the red button.

It didn't take long before the phone rang again.

"Argh godammit," Philip complained with a grunt.  
"Tell her to stop calling," he told Amanda.  
"He wants you to stop calling," Amanda said monotone in to the phone.  
"Tell him I need to talk to him," Liv said.  
"She says she _needs_ to talk to you," Amanda relayed.  
"Well I don't _need_ to talk to her."  
"He says he doesn't need to talk to you."  
"Can you put me on speaker Amanda?" Liv asked.  
"She wants to be put on speaker," she let Philip know.

He looked reluctant but finally just gave her a nod.

"Thank you Philip, thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you," Liv said calmly through the phone once she was on speaker.  
"I want a helicopter and I'm bringing her."  
"It won't be easy but I will try to make a helicopter available for you."  
"For me, _and_ her."  
"We can talk about that later Philip. In the meantime can I get you something, you must be thirsty, maybe something to eat as well?"  
"I don't want anyone in here," Philip shouted.  
"We can leave it right outside the door, no one has to enter Philip."

Philip seemed to think it over but then started shaking his head.

"No, you would poison me. No I'm not buying in to anything you're saying. You're trying to trick me."  
"I'm not Philip. All I want is for you and for my detective to walk out of there unharmed."  
"You don't give a crap about me," Philip spat out, "You want me dead."  
"I don't Philip," Liv tried but he was determined.  
"Liars, all liars. Even Hailey, she lied on the stand. She said she loved me. That she wanted me."

Philip started directing his words towards Amanda instead of the phone.

"You all lie," he spat coming closer to her waving his gun around.  
"You are born liars. All of you."

Philip's gun came in contact with Amanda, hit her temple and her head bounced to the side.

"Calm down Philip, you're not angry at her," Liv tried.

Philip immediately rose up, face filled with fear as he turned abruptly firing a single shot out through the small window. Glass shattered everywhere but Amanda just admired how the pieces of glass hit the ground, breaking in to even smaller pieces and adding a sound that almost sounded like a melody behind the echo of the gunshot.

"You're watching me," Philip yelled out while looking around franticly. He spotted the smaller of the vents and fired another shot at it. Amanda watched him with a mix of excitement and terror and was surprised he missed the larger vent. She thought she'd seen someone move inside there just minutes ago though so she was a bit relieved he didn't fire at it. _She didn't want someone innocent to die here today. _

"Philip," Liv tried as he moved backwards, seeking shelter from the wall they'd been hunched down by earlier.  
"Turn it off, turn it off," Philip said aiming his gun at the phone.

If he fired at it he would hit her and Liv immediately went quiet. Amanda froze for a second but then hung up.

"Toss it over here," he ordered her and she did as told.

Philip used the gun to smash the phone. He used excessive force, small pieces of the phone flying everywhere.

"We're going to die in here today. You and I. We're going to die," Philip said as he kept smashing the phone.

Amanda bit down on her lip. She caught what without a doubt was movement in the larger vent and she glanced over making sure Philip didn't see it. She caught the face of a man in the vent, his eyes were big, the whites evident behind the net covering the vent. She tried to pick up his signals. He was using his thumb to point downwards. Then he looked as though he pulled his shirt up over his mouth and nose.

He tried holding her eyes for a few seconds but her eyes kept darting back over at Philip. He was still smashing pieces of the phone, ranting how this was the die he died, that _they_ died.

She caught the man in the vent again. He held up five fingers at her, he'd removed the glove he'd been wearing earlier. He pointed firmly at her, then did the thumb down again and then the pulling his shirt over his mouth and nose. Even though her mind felt blank she somehow just knew the orders he'd given her. She was supposed to hit the ground and cover her nose and mouth. They probably expected her to do that on his signal.

The hand was back close to the net. Five fingers, then four, three…

She turned to look at Philip who was rubbing his temples now, the gun aimed at the roof.

She didn't hear any loud noises just a low hissing sound, almost as a snake, as the cans were rolled in and the heavy smoke started to spread. It felt like a black and white horror movie as the heavy smoke rose from the floor and up. A can suddenly flew through the room though and it almost made her laugh. The smoke spread quickly but she could still see him and she rose to her feet at the same time as he did.

The first shot rang out loudly, she heard the bullet's impact on the roof somewhere above her. The second shot didn't sound as loud but it bounced off one wall and hit another. She thought she felt the wind of the third bullet and she saw the line it drew in the smoke rising up beside her. She took a step closer to him, she didn't want the smoke to swallow her, she wanted a bullet to find her. She could only hear the fourth shot as the smoke was too heavy between them now. The smoke finally burnt at her corneas and she had to close her eyes. A fifth and sixth shot ringing out but none of them hit her and a great sadness started to take her over.

A seventh shot was heard and a sense of relief washed over her as she felt her body get pulled backwards by what she figured was the impact. There was no pain though and with all her senses suddenly rushing back at her she got aware of everything. She felt the pain the smoke made in her eyes, nose and down her throat. She heard Philip's cries, the sound of many pair of feet rushing in and muffled commands getting shouted all around her. And she felt the arms around her body, the arms that swiftly carried her out backwards and even with her eyes shut she could both see the difference in light as she was taken outside as well as feel the fresh breeze against her skin.

She panicked with the hands that suddenly were all over her, pushing her down on to pavement and wandering up and down her body in a very intrusive way. She didn't realize she'd pinned her mouth shut but could feel the smoke escape her throat as she exhaled. She wanted to scream but all she could do was cough so she started waving her hands around, trying to fight off the intruders.

"Hey it's us, you're okay," she heard right above her and the voice, as well as the hands that grabbed the sides of her face, were very familiar. _Fin_.  
"We got you, you're okay," he whispered even closer to her and she started to relax.  
"She seems fine."  
"No bullet holes."

She knew it was Liv and Nick but for some reason she couldn't make out who had said what. She tried peeking but that only made her eyes burn even more.

"Water, paramedics, her eyes," Liv shouted and waved at the paramedics that were already making their way over to them.

Fin helped Amanda sit up as one of the paramedics helped her get some water in her mouth. She spat it out to the side hoping she wasn't hitting anyone.

"It's fast acting this smoke," the paramedics let her know, "pain should be gone within minutes."

He helped her rinse her eyes out. Fin had put his knees down right behind her so he was able to aid her sitting up, even sitting down she seemed wobbly so he kept his hands on either side of her.

She could feel the paramedic's hand going in under her jacket, stroking his hand up and down her ribs. She tried to push him off.

"You weren't hit?" the paramedic asked, "We have to make sure, bullets were flying everywhere in there."  
"I wasn't hit," she croaked, the huskiness masking the disappointment in her tone.  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'm sure," she answered.  
"We'll stay with her, go check on the suspect, he took some bullets," Liv said and sent the paramedics away.

No one really said anything. Liv kept helping Amanda with rinsing her eyes out, Fin kept supporting her back and Nick just squatted down right nearby. Amanda slowly started to get her sight back and soon all four of them were able to watch the paramedics wheel Philip pass them. He'd taken two bullets, one to the shoulder and one to his lower trigger arm. It was nothing but a perfect take down of an escapee but everyone still had a strange feeling in their guts.

Fin helped Amanda get back up on her feet. Liv wanted to bite down but she just couldn't and asked Amanda to join her as she started to walk away from the crowd that had formed outside the building, smoke still trickling out through the door and window.

"Give us a minute guys," Liv asked Fin and Nick as she could tell they were following as well.

Liv had wanted to get her somewhere even more private but they were just not in a good place for that and this felt urgent.

"_Not_. _Okay_," Liv said agitated and leaning in towards Amanda.  
"You don't get to risk your life Amanda. Not on my watch."

Liv had to actually fight tears. She'd seen how Amanda had risen to her feet just before the smoke buried her and Liv knew that it had been a deliberate move.

"Not ever in fact," she added doing her best to keep her voice strong.  
"You broke every protocol in there. No vest on, giving up your gun…" Liv tried to come up with what else she'd done wrong but her mind went blank when the thought she saw a hint of a smirk over Amanda's face. Looking closer at her, trying to look beyond the red shot eyes, she seemed callous to Liv. That both angered and troubled her.

"Did you want to get killed in there Amanda?" Liv asked lowering her voice so no one would overhear. She was very aware of Fin and Nick who lingered nearby.

"Why would I want that?" Amanda shot back, voice as collected as she looked.  
"You tell me," Liv replied trying to keep calm. Amanda just shrugged but couldn't contain her smirk.  
"I don't," she answered sounding slightly amused.

Liv kept staring at her. She wasn't use to Amanda staring right back like this. Usually her eyes shied from intense stares.

"Let's get back to the station."

Liv knew she was folding but she couldn't do this right now. She needed a moment, a long one, to collect herself before she dealt with Amanda properly.

"I want to see you in my office later though," Liv added as Amanda started to head back to the guys.

All Amanda had to do was exchange a quick glance with Fin to get him to follow her over to their car. Nick was left gawking after them with his jaw slightly dropped for a few long seconds.

"I just need to check with the lieutenant, see if he can… handle this. Then we can head back," Liv said to Nick.

She felt defeated but tried to not let that show.

"That's it?" Nick said to her back and made her turn back around.  
"We're just going to go back to work acting as everything is fine? After _that_?"  
"Yeah Nick," she said with a sigh and kept walking away.

**She could feel the tension** a little later as she got in the car with him. Glancing his way she saw the set jaw, the knuckles turning white whenever he squeezed the wheel too hard. She really didn't feel like dealing with it but she knew it was her job as a boss of this unit.

"I know you're pissed Nick but can you just trust me to have a handle on my unit," she said trying to keep any deep emotions out of her tone.

He threw her a quick glance but then got back to staring straight ahead.

"Sure thing boss," he said with a shrug but she could hear on his tone there were more to come.  
"I'll trust you to have my back too when I show up for work late, still drunk at times, looking like I haven't slept all night, miss important interviews with witnesses, put myself in the line of fire, get myself killed and maybe someone else in the process. If you tell me I can do all that then I'm perfectly fine with you cutting Rollins slack time after time. After time."

Liv took a deep breath. She could tell from the rant he was angry but the fact he wouldn't look at her told her just how angry he was.

"Okay Nick, will you pull over," she said with some defeat in her voice.

He gave her a puzzled look, brows still pinched close together though as he was still pissed.

"Up here," she said pointing to an open spot up ahead.

Nick pulled in to the curb feeling like he was about to get a whopping. He still wouldn't think he'd done anything wrong though. He felt entitled to be angry right now.

Liv had a little trouble with him refusing to look at her but she didn't blame him.

"Okay I'm going to tell you something you can't tell anyone," she said and immediately peaked his interest. He wasn't ready to commit to turning all the way towards her but he did give her a side-glance.

"Amanda is working UC."

Nick turned in his seat. He was too stunned to ask any questions but gestured at her when she didn't follow up.

"She's working for Tucker, trying to catch a vigilance group within the department. She's made contact with one of them, and was put in a rather tough spot with him but Tucker wants to catch all of them so he's forcing her to stick with it."  
"Wait, since when? And _forcing_ her?"

"Since a couple of weeks back."  
"Before or after Lucas?"  
"After. Not long after."  
"And we can't all be involved why?"  
"Tucker doesn't want us involved, he's worked this case for over a year."  
"But why Amanda?"

Liv thought about what to say, how much she could tell him without it being too damaging for Amanda.

"She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, this… officer, or call him suspect, caught sight of her and well with her background… her history with Simon, most officers know, well she worked as a bait as someone who might be out for revenge."

Nick looked troubled, gazed out through the window for a bit as he tried to get his head around all of this new information. Being on a UC assignment pretty much explained her erratic lately though.

"You said Tucker forced her to stay in, what's that about?" Nick finally asked.

Liv studied her hands for a while.

"I don't want to go in to detail but Tucker knows something private… something illegal she's done and he's holding that over her, and well my head as well. He threaten to take her job if she didn't do this assignment for him."  
"Tucker," Nick growled.  
"Yeah Tucker," Liv agreed but didn't have the strength to even sound angry.

Nick really wanted to know what Amanda had got caught doing but he knew that would be intrusive.

"So what does he have her do?" he asked instead.  
"She's hanging out at a bar mostly, making herself available for contact."  
"And this vigilance group, what do they do?"  
"Take revenge on perps. Take the law in to their own hands I guess. This officer she's in contact with, his wife and kid was murdered but they never caught who did it."  
"Harsh but still doesn't give him the right," Nick said being able to feel sympathy with the man because he was a father and losing a kid was the hardest thing he could imagine.

"No it doesn't."  
"How did they get a lead on the group?"  
"An officer got caught. Made some admissions before he hung himself in his cell. Tucker has a few cases reported but he believes many of these perps don't file reports so the number of unreported cases can be vast."  
"What will Amanda have to do?" Nick asked with some concern. She shot him a long look and he tried to keep a straight face even though he was dying to know. He really wanted Liv to trust him with things like this.

"She's already beat a rapist up," Liv said and nodded as Nick made a surprised face.  
"Yeah she was really torn up over that."

Nick had gotten a serious face again, gave the street a look before he turned back to her.

"Okay, I have your back always, you know that but I just have to say this… I think it's a big mistake to have her working UC after everything that went down with Lucas. She's a good detective but with what she's been through…," Nick shook his head, "I don't even know how she was able to get back after that. So I worry. About her and about this squad. I know you though and I'm sure you did what you could to keep her out of it. I'm not going to cause you any more problems with all this hanging over us. You can count on me."

"I know I can Nick. But thanks," Liv said and smiled as Nick drove off the curb.

She couldn't help but think about the talk she had with Cragen well over two years ago. Now here she was in Cragen's position and Nick had stepped in to her shoes. Funny what turns life took.

**Not much was said in** the other car. Fin wanted to be angry and shout at her and question what the hell she'd been thinking going in there. And then giving up her gun and more or less asked to be shot. But he just felt drained. He was tired. Maybe a little fed up. He'd tried to be her life support but obviously he'd done a poor job. Knowing where she was headed just made him feel sad. He didn't have much fight left in him now.

She'd said she was in need of a shower and he'd asked her if she wanted him to swing by their place but she said she had clothes in her locker. She could just shower at the station. She snuck away as soon as they went inside the building and Fin walked up to their squad room.

"What the hell happened?" Keith asked, jumping up from his desk the moment he saw Fin. He'd heard all sorts of rumors since he got back to the station.

"There was a stand-off, or some hostage situation. What happened? Why didn't you call me?"

He was full of questions but Fin didn't have a single answer for him. Fin just plumped down in his chair behind his desk.

"C'mon what happened?" Keith asked almost angrily.  
"Look I'm just tired okay," Fin said. He didn't even have strength to deal with new guy right now.  
"But…"  
"No one died, we're all fine," Fin said just to get him off his back.

Keith bit down but couldn't quite move away from Fin's desk yet. By the glare he got from Fin though he finally started to walk back to his desk.

"Sarge," he said and looked a whole lot brighter as Liv walked in with Nick by her side.  
"What happened? Someone was taken hostage?"

Liv sighed loudly and just kept walking.

Keith was just about to lose it when Liv turned back around.

"Who's sitting in my office?" she asked and looked at Keith.  
"Oh it's the victim, Fin and Rollins told me to bring her in, didn't know what to do with her…"

Liv used both hands to pull through her hair while she took a deep breath. She didn't want to think about how long this poor woman had been sitting in there.

"Okay," she said instead and tried to clear her head, "She was going to give a statement right?"

Fin gave her a nod.

"I know it's asking a lot but could you take her with me?"

She could tell Fin was about as wiped as she felt but she needed him right now. He took a deep breath but gave her another nod. She gave his arm a squeeze before they headed inside.

Nick gave Keith a quick briefing since he understood the feeling of being left out. He didn't go in to details though, just told him Philip had held Hailey hostage and Rollins had been able to get her out.

When Amanda walked back up, hair still damp and rolled up in to a bun on the back of her head, Keith called her the hero of the day. She really wasn't sure what he'd heard but she just gave him a nod, glancing by Nick who didn't seem to be cross as her which she found weird. She spotted Fin and Liv in with the victim from earlier today. She'd completely forgotten about her, felt a sting of guilt but was happy she didn't have to take her statement.

She worried slightly over Liv wanting to see her in her office later on but some powers to be saved her as Liv was called to some official business downtown. With her luck Amanda figured it could be 1PP calling on her though, giving her orders to fire her reckless ass. _Maybe it would be for the best though? She could quit this lousy UC assignment and get the hell out of Fin's apartment so he wouldn't have to get burnt over and over again. _

_Maybe Soldier had the right idea? Philip was just scum, he could've easily killed Hailey earlier today so maybe if she just made him go away for good it would be for the best. The woman she interviewed earlier, her rapist was probably a repeat offender. What if he'd been dealt with properly before he got to her? Then that woman wouldn't have to suffer through nights filled with nightmares or awkward future sexual encounters. Life would just be better if all lowlife were done with. Maybe putting Soldier away was a bad idea. If he was willing to do what the courts didn't have balls enough to do what really was the harm?_

She had to sneak out a little before shift ended, Tucker had texted her a time he wanted to see her in his office and she wanted to be in time to not piss off any more people today. She took the chance when both Keith and Nick were away from their desks, shot Fin a quick bye and then hurried out of there.

Nick was just coming back out from the gents and saw her back as she headed out. He had a file in his hand and pretended to read it as he approached Fin's desk.

"I know," he said quietly as he felt Fin's eyes on him.

He looked up and caught Fin's puzzled gaze.

"What she sneaks off to," he said cocking his head towards the gate.  
"Oh," Fin said when he got what Nick tried to say.  
"Well…" he started but then wasn't sure what to say and just ended up shrugging.

Nick wasn't sure what he'd wanted to say either. He just wanted Fin to know he knew, sort of ease his burden maybe. Shared knowledge hopefully being shared burden.

"She usually out all night?" Nick asked just to say something but he was curios too.  
"Varies," Fin said with another shrug, "the days when the guy is a no show the nights seem to drag on longer."

Nick nodded.

"And Tucker?" Nick asked after he'd looked around to make sure no one was nearby.  
"Is he… _behaving_?"

Fin's eyebrows rose but in a less amused way than how his brows usually climbed.

"So that's a no then," Nick grunted. Fin tossed his hand out in the air and then sat back in his chair not doing anything to hide his big yawn.

"How are you holding up with all this?" Nick asked having seen Fin's decline over the last few weeks as well.  
"I'm not the one you need to worry about in this scenario," Fin said.

He appreciated the concern and yeah sure he wasn't all fine but his problem only one person could solve and that person had just walked out. She needed a whole lot of support and probably some sort of intervention at this time. He knew he'd be fine the day Amanda had her head screwed back on.

**When she arrived at IAB** she'd passed Tucker in the hallway and he'd told her to just go ahead and step in to his office. He said he would be right in. She didn't put much thought in to him not letting her sweat it out in the hallway but just felt good about being able to sit down in a rather secluded place for a few minutes. She'd taken a cab over there as she didn't feel like being cramped up in some public transportation today.

"I heard you were held under gunpoint today," Tucker said as he stepped in, closing the door behind himself.

She got a bit startled. _How did he learn this already?_ _She should know he had eyes and ears everywhere though._ _But was that a hint of concern in his voice?_ _That_ puzzled her the most. She gave him a nod.

"You okay?" he asked and any doubt she had that he actually showed concern was wiped away. She nodded again.  
"Not the first time," she said and flashed him a smile. He chuckled as he walked around his desk, straightening a pile of files that rested in the middle of it.

"You're a tough one. Not much get to you," he said settling down.  
"I like that about you," he said and held her eyes long enough for it to get awkward.

She felt relief when he finally looked away as she'd been unable to break that stare.

"So we have Cassidy again," Tucker said as he sat down so he could get something out of his desk drawer, "He's meeting us there though and he's bringing this new guy, Terrance. Good kid, worked with him before. He's black though…"

Tucker made sure he had her eyes before he continued.

"You've probably picked up on it already but I'm suspecting some racial angle here, the guy they suspected of killing Miller's family was black, and well there are some other hints to that, so stick to Cassidy if you feel a need to socialize with anyone, I guess, _safe_ in there. Okay?"

Amanda nodded.

"Ready to head out?"

She nodded again.

She'd thought being alone in the car with Tucker would feel awkward after that stare and him showing concern earlier but he was all business. He let her know Miller had been involved in a shooting yesterday. He'd come in on his day off and well management wasn't happy about the shooting or the fact he worked way too many hours a week. Tucker expected Miller to be edgy and probably felt like beating the crap out of someone so tonight might be the night she would be approached again.

Amanda walked in to the bar with a mix of excitement and nervousness. She couldn't wait for this assignment to be over with as it wasn't just draining physically but now started to mentally challenge her as well. _She was really starting to doubt if Soldier really was the villain here. His family had been murdered. Her sister had been murdered so she could relate to how it felt to get your entire family just ripped from you. He'd been involved in a shooting and now his bosses were giving him heat? She'd been in the same position and it wasn't right to get heat for trying to do good. _

She spotted Cassidy over by the window but there were a few dark skin colored guys in there so she couldn't really figure out which one of them was Terrance. No one seemed to give her an odd look. One of them gave her a completely different look though and if Tucker hadn't told her to stay away she might've approached him. She had a feeling that anyone who gave her an appreciative eye could easily win her over tonight. She tried to wise up and ignore the burning sensation deep down in her gut or the way her skin seemed to long to be touched.

She tried to hold back on her drinking, which wasn't easy when men kept offering to buy you beers and she really thought she deserved some cred for not letting them. The longer the night went on though the harder it was to keep saying no. And just not to alcohol. This one guy, just her type with big brown sincere eyes, cutest smile and to top it all off seemed both intelligent and witty, had been eyeing her for quite some time and she had a hard time letting the eye contact go whenever she caught him looking at her.

She felt a bit relieved he was sitting across the table from her as she wasn't sure she could keep her hands off him had he been right by her side. She'd crossed her legs under the table to restrain herself from playing footsie. That also made it easier for her to once in a while connect with lower regions, flexing the muscles she could spread some of the sensation through her body and it got her in a good, relaxed mood.

Tucker had just been in her ear, letting her know Miller was probably a no show for tonight and maybe it was time to pack it up. The dreamy guy had gone up to the bar to place another order and she felt drawn over there. She brought a bill up and squeezed in right next to him. He seemed a little annoyed by getting crowded but that was only until he saw who it was.

"Put that down, I got you," he said when he spotted the money in her hand.

"Thanks," she said, putting her money back down and at the same time used her hair as cover to try and get control over the blush she felt spreading over her cheeks being this close to him.

"Two more on the bar thanks," the guy gesture to James behind the bar as he came over with five bottles.  
"Hold our spot, I'll be right back," the guy said turning to her.

He grabbed the bottles and headed back to the table. She glanced over her shoulder and saw the other guys threw looks her way and then mock the guy for probably heading back over to _talk_ to her. She got startled by James putting down two bottles in front of her.

"Thanks," she mumbled and tried a smile at him.

He walked away without giving her one back. _What was his beef with her? Maybe he just didn't see kindly to people who used his bar disk as a stage. _The guy came back and they both picked up their bottles.

"Cheers," she said trying to contain her smile and they put their bottles together before having a taste.  
"So where do you work?" she asked.  
"Murder, at the 70th," he said casually. He turned so he could rest against the bar, placing an elbow on it so he turned slightly against her. It made her turn slightly as well, exposing more of herself to him.

"Detective?" she guessed.

She saw something in his eyes she hadn't seen before but she couldn't quite place it and then it was gone. His tongue rested inside his bottom lip as he gave her a vague nod and then his eyes went down her body. Just the look made her feel flustered all over and she chuckled slightly as she stroke back some hair behind her ear. He seemed to catch how he made her feel and smiled like he was proud of himself for making her aroused. They both had another taste of their beers but then he leaned in closer to her.

"You're fine," he whispered.  
"Well thanks," she said trying to not get more flustered.

He leaned back in.

"I want to get with you."

She wasn't wasted enough to not worry about what Tucker and the others heard, or what they thought about what they might be overhearing.

"Okay," she said a bit hesitant, "Well buying a girl a beer usually is the first step…"

She'd dangled her beer between them and was about to have a taste when he leaned in again, this time grabbing with one hand at her ass.

"I can rough you up in the bathroom," he whispered.

The words hit her right in the chest and made her shy backwards. She caught a quick glimpse of the guy but wasn't sure if he was pulling her leg or looking just eager, biting down on his lip like he did. She also managed to get a glimpse of the other guys over by the table and most of them were laughing and looking their way. Her eyes darted from each face trying to see if anyone of them were that guy from the bathroom the other week. She couldn't make him out though and for some reason the face of that guy was blurry in her mind right now.

She pushed his hand off her ass and turned to the bar feeling a bit mortified. _Maybe she should just walk off?_ But somewhere deep down she still felt turned on and maybe getting roughed up in the bathroom wasn't such a bad idea?

"C'mon you know you want to," the guy was right back in her ear again.

His hand going down her ass, fingers sliding in slightly between her legs. She tried putting an elbow in his chest while she was drinking but she knew it was a lame attempt.

"I can feel how hot I'm making you," he snickered in her ear.

She shrugged him off but he was persistent, pushed himself even harder against her and his hand came up around her.

"I'll drive you as hard as you like," he mumbled right by her ear.

His tongue got so intrusive she feared he'd swallowed her ear piece for a moment. She pushed him off by squeezing her head and shoulder together but his hand was still tracing the hem of her jeans and she wondered what freakishly long arms he had when his hand managed to go around her and then down over her crotch.

"I'll bury my dick in your ass if you want to. Hell I do it even if you don't want to."

She swallowed hard, she felt disgusted but still she couldn't make herself walk away or even push him off again. Help came from the most unlikely place.

"Shut this looser down," Tucker said in her ear.  
"If you're carrying I give you permission to shoot his sad little wiener off."

She bit down on her lip to not laugh out loud. The guy seemed to think she was smiling at him and his proposition but was in for a rude awakening when she put a strong hand on his chest, pushed him off and then swung her bottle at him making the liquid splash all over his face.

The "what the fuck" was written all over his face once he'd blinked the beer out of his eyes. She stepped in, took a fistful of his balls and twisted as much as his jeans allowed her to.

"_I_ chose who I screw," she said up in his face, "and honey," she made an iffy face glancing down between them, "I can tell you're not man enough for me."

She'd heard the chuckles both from inside the bar and in her ear as she walked out leaving the mostly empty beer bottle on the disk. That brief moment of feeling like a superhuman left her quickly though and was completely gone by the time she reached the pavement outside the bar.

"Good for you detective, grab a cab and I'll see you tomorrow," Tucker said in her ear and she was kind of relieved to not have to face him right now. She feared he would see she was rattled.

Tucker had put his car in gear though and rolled down the block to be able to see her walk out. He watched her hair get caught by a breeze and it looked like she had a halo around her as the streetlight caught her blonde strands. He radio in to Cassidy and Terrance that they could make their way home on their own, not bothering about being polite and cut them off without a good night or a good bye.

He turned up the volume on his listening device and could hear how she hugged her jacket closer around her. For a moment he thought he could even pick up the pounding of her heart. He heard her take a deep breath as she spotted a cab further up the street and the relieved exhale as the cabbie spotted her and came her way. His hand was already around himself and he had to fight to keep his eyes open as he heard her soft voice give her address to the cabbie.

He'd been hard for a while, listening to her deep laugh did something to him and he figured no harm as he was alone in the car. He hadn't gotten erected until she started flirting with the guy though but that had been building up already at the table, he could tell by the way she addressed him, laughed at every lame joke he made. Not even Tucker had figured the guy would turn out to be such a perv though.

He'd hardly been able to keep his hand off himself when the guy got started with his pervy lines. He'd contemplated for a second how nice it would be to actually listen to that guy _ride her hard_. But then some other feeling set in and he couldn't let the guy get in her pants for some reason. It would probably be in his favor to have her back in front of the guys as well. He hadn't expected that that one line she gave was almost enough to make him come.

He'd told her to get a cab because he clearly was in no state to have her in his car. Actually, Tucker thought to himself, he was in a state to _have_ her in a car and he chuckled to himself as he kept jerking off.

Her cab had passed him but he could still hear her through the receiver. It sounded like she was taking off her device and he knew he had to hurry if he wanted to ejaculate with her still in his ear. Tucker saw Cassidy walking out of the bar and for a second he feared the car would be made and that Brian would come walking over and ruin everything. When he turned the other way and started walking off though Tucker leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

He heard her fingering the device and pictured her with her hand inside her bra. In his mind she gave him a sultry look, biting down on her lip in that sensual way she did. Her hand was cupping her tiny breast, playing with her nipple to turn him on. Tucker came hard, let out a painful groan as he stained his pants. He rubbed himself one more time as the image of her slowly faded before his eyes.

**He'd been in bed already** when she got home. She'd seen the light on and his door open though and she hoped he was waiting for her. It was a little disappointing to see him asleep. She knew in her heart he probably had planned to stay awake but a voice in the back of her head told her he hated her now, that she'd gone too far and that he'd never want to be with her ever again. By the time she had a shower and brushed her teeth the voices had taken over completely and she was sure he would never forgive her and that she was a horrible person.

That night she didn't toss or turn for hours, instead a stuffed nose caused by crying kept her awake for a while. When she finally fell asleep her face was stained by salt and her pillow soaked by tears.

**She was tired as hell** the following morning. Her sleep had been interrupted by strange but very vivid dreams. She remembered being attacked by snakes. At first she hadn't seen them but their hissing had made her skin crawl. She'd actually at one point been able to peel her skin off herself and then the snakes had appeared with the faces of people she knew. They'd been hissing vile things at her right before they strike, biting her in her face, on her throat and at her stomach.

Then there had been another dream which was very confusing. In this one she'd seen Danny walk away hand in hand with Kim. She wasn't sure if it was fear she'd felt in her dream or if it really had been envy. She'd pleaded after him, told him she loved him and that she was sorry. There had been a gun involved in that dream as well, and smoke, a lot of smoke.

Her night had been bad and the day didn't start off any better. Liv asked to see her in her office right off the bat and Amanda really had to brace herself as she walked in. She refused to fall to pieces at work. She didn't care if she came across as cold just as long as she didn't fall apart in front of her boss. Liv tried every angle but Amanda kept insisting she'd gone in there to get Hailey out and as far as she saw it she'd succeeded with that.

Liv wished she could've gotten more time but all of a sudden Barba was banging on her office door. As usual Barba thought his business was way more important than whatever they had been discussing and Amanda didn't help out, sneaking out of there as fast as she could.

The entire squad was working on finding a suspect in the rape case from yesterday. He'd worn gloves and used a condom but he had left a trace of saliva on her shirt so they had DNA. They found a match but unfortunately only to an unsolved rape from '12. That victim had moved upstate and since Amanda had to be at IAB later on Liv asked Fin to take Keith with him to see if they could get anything from the victim that wasn't in the file. Fin didn't mind getting a break from his partner but he wasn't sure a road trip with Keith was the break he needed.

Amanda would've preferred to head out, the squad room was making her feel claustrophobic and she knew she wasn't just being paranoid when she felt Nick glancing her way every other second. She didn't feel able to confront him on it though and when he asked if she wanted to grab lunch with him it was the last thing she wanted but she still found herself saying 'sure'.

It was awkward even before she got in the car with him and no small talk could make it go away. She was pretty sure he felt it too, the way he kept shooting her side-glances and being over-the-top kind like opening up doors for her when she figured he should know by now she didn't appreciate getting special treatment. She tried to tell herself he was just being friendly but the spiteful voice in the back of her head made it hard for her.

"You know I get wanting to save that girl," he finally opened up the box once they were situated at a table opposite each other with their lunch orders in front of them.  
"Liv does too, it's just we don't want you to get hurt."

She tried to smile sincerely and gave him a nod all while the food in her mouth grew to the point she rather spit it out but swallow. She forced the food down though.

"Saving her life wouldn't be worth anything if we lost you in the process you know."

She tried to nod again and took a smaller bite of her food.

"We just-"  
"Look," she said and had to bring her napkin up to not make food spill all over herself, "I appreciate it but I really don't feel like talking about it, you know over lunch and all."  
"No of course not. We shouldn't talk shop," he said and tried a chuckle that came out dry.  
"Right," Amanda nodded and tried to smile.

Nick dragged his fork around his food a few times.

"So… what's going on, with you I mean? Something… funny going on?"  
"Funny?" she questioned.  
"No I mean fun or just what's going on with you? Like outside work I mean."  
"Do we have a life outside work?" she asked and made him laugh, this time a little more heartfelt.  
"True," he smiled and put some food in his mouth.

She suspected he would ask again, he was always too persistent so she decided to beat him to it.

"How's the kids?"

He seemed relieved she'd come to his aid and they spent the rest of the lunch talking about his kids. She did her best to listen and to come with questions that made her seem interest but truth was she had real problems focusing and paying attention to what he was saying. That voice in the back of her head kept talking to her, saying all sorts of things about Nick that she knew wasn't true but that she was getting a harder and harder time ignoring.

That lunch couldn't finish soon enough and getting back out in to the open air was a blessing. She took a few deep breaths on the short walk back to the car and tried to ignore the fact her hands were trembling. Nick kept talking in the car but now he was talking about the case and it did make her able to focus just a little bit better. They really had very little to do on in this case and their hope was that Fin and Keith would get something talking to the previous vic.

Amanda wouldn't get a chance to hear whatever Fin and Keith had dug up though, she had to leave for IAB before they got back. She found it a bit weird Nick sent her off with such a friendly good bye, she figured he'd be the one pissed she took off early. _Maybe he knew more than he let on? Could Fin have told him? Probably Liv though. They all probably talked about her behind her back. _They were all so tired off her by now they didn't hold back and the voice in her head told her everything they must be saying about her. _Slut. Filth. Abomination_.

She stopped by that bar close to IAB. Downed two shots in a fast pace, paid and left. It did some good as the voices in her head got at least a little muffled. And Tucker's loud voice helped to drown them out as well. He was apparently upset Miller didn't act and surely tonight had to be the night. They only had Cassidy as backup tonight though but Amanda didn't pay much attention to that, she was just ready to do this so they could wrap up this assignment.

But just as the previous night Miller remained a no show. Amanda was in a good mood though, playing pool and just hanging around cool people. At one point she was on the bar but just sitting on it and she had fun seeing James throw her nervous looks. At first she didn't even have to drink to be in good spirits but when you spent that many hours in a bar it's hard for the bottles not to build up as time passed. And there might've been quite a few mouthfuls of other people's stronger drinks and a few shots she had to down as she started losing at the pool table.

She'd been more or less oblivious to what was going on outside the bar or Miller's whereabouts. She had heard Tucker say he felt forced to check up on Miller, his detail had apparently lost track of him once he left work so Tucker went there to try to help them pick up the track again. This move left Amanda and Cassidy at the bar longer than they'd ever been and when folks started moving homewards Amanda found herself sitting next to Cassidy in his usual booth. She'd dragged two guys with her a little earlier but they had both left by now.

Cassidy had tried making contact with Tucker to ask if they could head out. It was probably way too late for Miller to have set up anything tonight and for Cassidy it was clear Amanda was in no shape to pull off anything tonight. In an attempt to get her to sober up some he'd ordered a glass of water from the bar but it was like she had a sixth sense and now all of a sudden she didn't even touch the glass. He was hoping he could put her in a cab but as usual Tucker had to be the one in charge and he didn't want them to leave as he still seemed determined Miller would make a move soon. Cassidy tried telling him, in so many words, that Amanda wasn't really in the state but then Tucker didn't respond at all.

Cassidy felt as though he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. And not just figuratively speaking. Amanda was almost sitting on him, at least leaning on him and she wouldn't stop talking. He wasn't paying attention much to what she was saying though, she was mostly just rambling but whenever he tried to listen to her it seemed to be all about perps and how lenient the court system was in so many cases. He wondered if this assignment was getting to her.

Cassidy's eyes went to her lips, watching them move made it even harder for him to pay attention to what she was actually saying. Not that she made much sense anyway, she was obviously wasted, her eyes almost falling shut where she sat and her lean had been even more evident. _She had nice lips, heck her whole face was very nice to look at_ Cassidy thought while studying her. _He didn't really have a preference when it came to women, anyone good looking would work as long as she was willing._

Studying Amanda though Liv came to his mind. _Amanda wasn't Liv. Liv was with Eli._ _Eli_, Cassidy thought getting a frown on his face. _Amanda was probably the closest he would ever get to Liv now. He watched Amanda's lips again and his tongue swept over his own lip. He just knew those lips would taste good. But maybe she was too wasted? Maybe he would be taken advantage of her? _

His hand was already on her leg and he tried moving it up slightly. He could feel how toned her thighs were, he knew she had a nice body. _She'd looked damn good up on that bar a few weeks back, had he been closer he'd probably tried to shove a bill down her pants too, cop a feel while at it._

She laughed at something she said and her head came even closer to his for a while. Her conditioner smelled nice, he could feel it over the strong sent of alcohol that also covered her. Her head bopped slightly and he figured he was only doing her a favor by leaning her head down against his shoulder. He let his hand linger on the side of her head, swiped his fingertips over her cheek.

She'd stopped talking but smacked her lips and he had to swipe his finger over her bottom lip. She didn't even seem to register it. He let his hand drop down to the side of her neck. He looked around to see if anyone was watching them but the few people still in there seemed to have their focus elsewhere. Slowly he dragged his hand down to her chest and he fingered the skin right above the hem of her top. With his palm pressed against her he went even further down, felt the slight bump of her breast and was a bit surprised how easily he cupped her breast and how perfectly it fitted his hand.

He froze slightly as she moaned but then thought to himself she might be enjoying it. He tried squeezing her breast a little and there was the moan again. _She liked it_. He searched for her nipple with his thumb but couldn't get it erect even though he tried. He lost a bit of guts and removed his hand. The other one was still on her thigh though and when he felt her warm breath against his cheek he felt that attraction again. He moved his hand further up, froze when she suddenly stirred slightly but kept going as she had obviously parted her legs to give him better access. He came so close to her core he could feel the heat and that spurred him on.

He brought his other hand up to her neck again so he could redirect her face a little by grabbing on to her jaw. He stared at her lips for a while but then made his move before he talked himself out of it. Her lips were just as soft as he imagined. _They tasted good too. _He could taste a bit of alcohol as he separated her lips with his own and let his tongues swipe across her upper lip. He inhaled some of her breath and thought he picked up another moan.

_She enjoyed it. She enjoyed him_. He could easily get her out of there he thought to himself, _take her home and he didn't think he would have much hassle talking her into his bed. She didn't seem to have so much self-esteem, she would be easy. _There was a bit of doubt in the back of his head though. _Would he regret it in the morning?_

Suddenly Tucker's voice rang in his ear and he drew back from her quickly. Her head bopping forward as he let her go and he had to grab her so she wouldn't crash down against the table.

"W-what?" he stammered.  
"He's not coming, you can come out," Tucker repeated.

Brian looked around the bar to make sure no one was watching.

"She's…" Brian hesitated.  
"What Cassidy? What's the problem?" Tucker asked with his usual grumpy tone.  
"She's drunk sir, I dunno if she can even walk out of here," he admitted feeling a bit guilty.  
"Oh geesh…" Tucker grunted, "Just get her out of there Cassidy."

Brian tried shaking her slightly and he saw a glimpse of her whites.

"Huh?" she mumbled, licking her lips.  
"We're done for the night," Brian said trying to shake the urge to take possession of her lips again.  
"Miller's here?" Amanda mumbled.  
"No, he's not coming. Tucker wants us to leave. C'mon let's get out of here," Brian said shoving at her slightly so he could get out of the booth.

It got obvious though that she could barely stand on her own. She'd managed to get up on her feet but started to tip sideways and Brian had to grab a hold of her arm to keep her upright.

"Hey," he tried to get her attention but she was barely able to communicate now. Her eyes were shut and he could feel her sway back and forth where she stood.

"Let's get your jacket on," Briand tried and grabbed for her jacket on the other side of the booth.

He had to step in behind her, his crotch pressing against her ass as he leaned for her jacket. He felt a heat down low that he wasn't proud of but that he still wouldn't mind acting on. She wasn't that responsive though and wouldn't even help him out by raising an arm to get her jacket on. He preferred women who could at least appreciate what he had to offer them.

"Your jacket," Brian repeated getting a little annoyed.  
"Just leave the fucking jacket if it's that complicated for you to get a woman dressed and get her out of there," Tucker growled in his ear.

Brian gritted his teeth, put her jacket under his arm and tried getting a good grip around her so he could get her out of there. She could barely put a foot in front of the other and he wondered how she could've gotten this drunk.

Brian struggled with the door and keeping her upright at the same time. He was sure she would crumble to the ground if he just let her go and he played with the thought of just trying to see it happen. _He would clearly not be able to bed her so what use was she really? _

"For fuck's sake," Tucker said with a grunt as he stepped out of the car seeing them coming stumbling down the street.  
"How the hell did she get this drunk? Didn't you have eyes on her?" Tucker kept moaning grabbing on to Amanda's head to try and get a look in to her eyes.

Brian restrained from saying anything, he'd learnt early on that speaking your mind to Tucker wasn't a smart idea. Nothing good came from talking back to the lieutenant.

"Hey," Tucker said aimed at Amanda this time but it was useless trying to force her eyelids open, they just kept shutting as he let go of them. Tucker chuckled when he seemed to realize just how wasted she was.

"She's completely hammered," Tucker said with a grin over his face, glancing at Brian. Brian wasn't sure what to say but just nodded.

"Okay, I'll take her from here," Tucker said with a sigh and started to take over Brian's hold on her.  
"Will you get the back door," Tucker said cocking his head at Brian as he had his hands full with her in them.

Brian did as told and watched Tucker try to figure out how to get her in to the backseat.

"She's really wrecked," Tucker snickered again trying to fold her to get her seated.

Brian watched as Tucker crawled in over her and saw her legs and boots get pulled further up, disappearing underneath Tucker's lengthy frame. Brian thought Tucker took a bit too long in there and tried to peek in to get a glimpse on what he was doing but he couldn't really see what he was up to as the cabin was dark. Finally he crawled back out and took the door from Brian to close it.

"Okay," Tucker said taking the jacket from underneath Brian's arm, "You can make your own way from here right."  
"But…" Brian gestured down the street.  
"It's such a detour you know to my… I mean I want to get her home quickly in the state she's in. You understand right," Tucker said giving his arm a few hard pats.

_Brian didn't understand_. _He lived just a few blocks from Amanda. It wasn't a detour. It was a detour from Tucker's place though, him living in the fancy part of the city._

"See you tomorrow Cassidy," Tucker grinned and stepped around him to get to the driver's seat.

Brian wanted to say something. He glanced in to the backseat, got a look on Amanda's sleeping form as the cabin light got turned back on.

"Night Cassidy, sweet dreams," Tucker snickered and Brian lost Amanda in the dark of the car as the light slowly faded.

Tucker stepped on the gas and speeded the opposite way from where she lived. Brian was left with an uneasy feeling in his gut_. Tucker was a creep._ He knew that. _But if Tucker was thinking the same thing as Brian himself had thought just minutes ago inside the bar did that make him a creep too? _That thought didn't settle in nicely in his gut and he tried to push the thoughts away. _Tucker was probably just making a turn around the block. He'd see to it that Amanda got home safely. He was their boss after all._ Brian turned around and started walking off. _Yeah he was sure Tucker would keep her safe._


	18. Chapter 18: Ambush

Thanks for the reviews. Love hearing from you. This chapter is a little shorter &amp; not so action-y but I didn't want to leave you hanging, see I'm nice like that ;) XO

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**Chapter 18: Ambush**

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_You're my angel. I'm going to make you feel so good. You can count on me. I'll make you feel so good. You won't have to beg me. No I'll give you what you need. I'll make you soar again. I'll fuck you good. You won't have to beg. I'll fuck you. I'll whisper I love you. Shay. I'm going to give you what you want. I can make you scream my name as well if you want me to. You just leave it to me. Just let me give you what you need Shay. I'll make you feel so good. _

"Are you sure you don't want some tea after all?" Liv shouted down the hall.  
"You want me running to the bathroom every hour of the night do you?" Eli shouted back from the bedroom. Liv smiled as she poured herself a cup.

"I would think you were vicious if it weren't for the fact that would keep you up too," Eli said walking in smelling like a God after his shower. He walked by her planting a kiss at the back of her neck.

"I like your hair like that, gives me better access," he said slapping her behind tenderly as he kept walking into the living room. Liv chuckled and were about to join him on the couch with her cup of tea when her phone rang on the kitchen counter. She walked back and put her cup down when she spotted Cassidy's name in the window. She might have ignored the call if it weren't for the fact he were on the case her detective was working.

"Brian?" she answered.  
"Oh hi Liv," Cassidy said sounding almost surprised she picked up.  
"Something happen?" she asked a bit anxiously. The last time he'd called her at a late hour Amanda had beat the crap out of a rapist.

"No, it's… no everything's fine," he said but sounded a bit wishy-washy. Liv put her hand over her other ear trying to block out all other sound to try and figure out where Brian was. Across the room Eli had caught it and put the TV on mute.

"Where are you?" she asked not able to make it out on her own, "You still working the case?"  
"Eh," again Cassidy hesitated, "The case? …no. I'm just on my way home. Walking. Home."  
"Brian what's going on?" she asked sensing something was up. She caught Eli's concerned eyes across the room. He could tell something was up but remained on the couch as he wasn't sure if she wanted him over there or not just yet.

"Why are you calling me?" Liv asked when Brian didn't answer.  
"I can't just call you up these days?" Brian said, a disappointed tone on his voice. Liv sighed away from the phone so he wouldn't hear her.  
"You never just call me up Bri," Liv said trying to hide the frustration from her voice. She tried hiding it from Brian but also from Eli whose eyes she felt on her right now. She heard Brian sigh on the other line.

"Okay…" he admitted.  
"Did something happen to Amanda?" she asked anxiously, "Did she do something?"  
"Amanda no, she did good. Target didn't show up though."  
"Okay so what happened Brian?"  
"…nothing."  
"I know something happened Brian," Liv challenged him.

"We just hung around the bar."  
"Did she get _on_ the bar?" Liv threw it out there but Brian laughed a bit nervously.  
"No, no she didn't. She drank a bit though."  
"Too much?" Liv enquired.  
"Maybe. Yes."

"Is she with you Brian?"  
"Bri?" Liv asked when he remained quiet.  
"Is _Eli_ with you?"

Liv shot Eli a look across the room and it made him rise up and walk over to her. She put her hand up slightly to let him know she was okay and he stayed silent nearby.

"How is that important Brian," Liv asked and didn't hide her frustration this time.  
"Maybe it is to me," Brian answered scorned but changed his tone rather abruptly.  
"Is it a coincident you picked a boyfriend with a name so similar to your ex-partner. To Elliot? Maybe if my name was… _Elijah_ you'd still be with me."

Brian didn't hear Liv's moan as he chuckled on the other side of the line.

"Or Elias-"  
"Brian," Liv said lecturing.  
"Is Amanda with you?"  
"What if she was?" Brian retorted quickly.

He wanted her to be jealous and it hurt him as he already knew he couldn't make her jealous. Her silence on the other end was telling.

"No, no she's not," he answered rubbing his forehead.

He tried to hold it together, he'd already made a fool of himself so the last thing he wanted to do now was start crying.

"I know you didn't just call me to be crass Brian. That's not you. I know that's not you Brian."

She might've been buttering him up slightly, he was obviously down and she didn't want to stomp on him but she also had to get to the real reason he'd called in the first place and using a bit of kindness wouldn't hurt.

"Amanda had too much to drink. Did you make sure she got home safe?"

Liv held Eli's eyes as she waited for an answer. None came though.

"Brian, please tell me you made sure she got home safe," Liv soften her voice even more.  
"Maybe you should check with Fin," Brian answered.  
"If you made sure she got home safely why would I have to check with Fin?" she asked and had to bite down the frustration that started to build up again. The frustration was fueled by the worry she felt and when Brian stayed quiet she snapped.

"Brian, why would I have to make sure she got home?" Liv raised her voice.

Eli shifted legs in front of her, he could both feel and see her impatience.

"Just do it Olivia," Brian said getting a bit miffed himself.

He didn't think he deserved to get yelled at when he was just trying to do good.

"Did someone else offer to take her home Brian?" she asked, her mind working franticly trying to imagine what could've gone down tonight. The scenarios she got in her head were not good and it made her anxious that she actually imagined these things about her detective. Brian not answering made that anxiety grow.

"Brian," she close to yelled.  
"Yeah she was getting a ride home," he answered sheepishly.  
"By whom?" she asked and quickly repeated the question when he didn't answer immediately.  
"Tucker," Brian said and the second after Liv had hung up.

"What's going on?" Eli asked as he saw Liv dial her phone.

She put her hand up in the air to get him to hang on. She put the phone to her ear and waited. She reached Tucker's voicemail but decided to try a second time. When she got the same result she dialed Fin instead. It only took two rings before he picked up.

"Fin, hey it's Liv, did Amanda get home alright?"

Eli only heard her side of the phone call but he could tell by her crumbled eyebrows that she didn't get the answer she wanted.

"Yeah I know she said she was working tonight but I just wanted to see if she'd gotten home by now. Will you call me if she does within the hour?"  
"Great, thanks Fin," she said and hung up.

"What's going on?" Eli asked again.  
"Get your clothes on, we need to head out," Liv said with her eyes on the phone. Eli hurried down the hall while Liv called Brian back up.

"Where does Tucker live?" she asked him the second he picked up.  
"I have no idea," Brian said.  
"He's your boss Brian, how do you not know where he lives?" Liv grunted.  
"Well he's not the coziest boss as you might be able to figure out on your own," Brian countered.  
"Who would know where he lives?" she asked.  
"I dunno, _his_ boss?" Brian suggested.

Liv hung up and walked down the hallway after Eli.

"Hey, who do you know that can get me the home address of an IAB lieutenant?" she asked loudly before she reached the bedroom.

She walked in catching him zipping his jeans up.

"I might know someone," he said and Liv looked relieved.  
"Can you call him or her like asap?"  
"Tucker's address?" Eli asked having already figured out who they were talking about.

Liv nodded and walked all the way up to him as he got his phone up from the bed where he'd left it before he took a shower. Liv bit her lip and tried to calm herself down. Everything was fine. Her foot started tapping against the floor as she listened to Eli exchange a few polite phrases with whoever was on the other line but were relieved he kept it at a few.

"Thanks Sam, I owe you one," Eli said hanging up.  
"You got it?" Liv asked and Eli nodded as he pulled a sweatshirt over his head.  
"Great let's go," Liv said hurrying back out.  
"Can you tell me what's going on now?" Eli asked as they rushed down the stairs in her apartment building.  
"Rollins drank too much, Tucker offered to take her home," Liv said and handed him the car keys as he held out his hand to get them from her. He wanted to drive and she had no problem letting him.

"And I take it Fin hadn't seen her?" Eli said jumping into the driver's seat. Liv shook her head repeatedly.  
"Any chance they can still be on their way?" Eli suggested speeding off.  
"I guess but then he won't be at his home address anyway," Liv said.

He lived only about a ten minutes' drive from Liv's but then they had some trouble getting inside. Liv was ready to force the door, which would've been hard without getting glass splinters everywhere, when a couple approached and looked as they were heading inside the building. Eli played his polite card and got them inside. Liv found Tucker's name on the second floor and she took the stairs with Eli right behind her.

"This one," he said finding Tucker's door before she did and Liv started knocking on it hard.

She put the ear to it but heard nothing so she repeated the knocking once more. When no one still opened she started pounding the door with the side of her closed fist. Eli gave her a look starting to doubt anyone was in there.

"Tucker I know you're in there," Liv said loudly not caring who she woke up, "and you know I won't give up until you let me in."

She pounded again and yelled his name out loud. A neighbor popped his head out and Eli threw him a smile and a wave and when that didn't work he put up his badge which made the neighbor close the door again.

Liv started to think she might have been overreacting, feeling a bit relieved if she had, when suddenly they heard the door open. Liv threw Eli a quick glance just before Tucker showed his sour face in the door way, only opening up a tiny bit.

"What are you doing here Sergeant Benson? This is highly inappropriate," Tucker close to hissed.  
"Do you have my detective in there?" she asked straightforward.  
"What are you… I'm trying to get to sleep you know, like normal people do at this time a night."  
"You were working a case tonight, you were seen driving Amanda home but since she's not at home…" Liv challenged.  
"Good night Sergeant," Tucker said and was about to close the door when Eli put his foot in-between.

Tucker immediately went from sour to pissed but Liv didn't care and put her hands to the door and forced it open.

"Excuse me Sergeant, what the hell do you think you're doing," Tucker said angrily as Liv uninvited stepped around him and went inside his apartment.

Eli was ready to grab a hold of Tucker as he looked like he was able to use physical force to prevent Liv from going much further inside his apartment.

Liv could tell just with one look he had a very fancy apartment. It looked homier than she would've pictured it had she paid it even one second of thought before today. Tucker was right behind her as she walked inside clearing the living room. So far no sign of Amanda or any item that might belong to her.

"I want you to leave my apartment right now," Tucker said breathing down her neck as she went down a hallway. She threw a glance back at Tucker, eyed him from head to toe. He was still in slacks but his shirt was pulled out of his pants and the top button undone. She couldn't see his pants but something told her at least his belt was undone.

Tucker got even angrier at the demeaning look she gave him and pushed his way in front of her, putting both his hands up on either side of the wall to block her from getting further. Eli had stepped up by her side as he feared Tucker would get physical when Liv pushed by him. He was sure she would do it at some point as he knew there was no stopping her when she'd gotten this far.

"It's not my job to deal with your drunk ass detective," Tucker hissed trying to make himself bigger in front of them, "I keep her safe on the job and make sure she's offered a ride home when needed. _She_ decides who she goes home with."

She felt like slamming him for the keeping safe part as that was a load of crock but right now she had more urgent business to deal with.

"So she was drunk?" Liv asked trying to throw him off and it seemed to work.

He looked guilty as hell and Liv grabbed his arm to try and get passed. Tucker held on to the wall as though his life depended on it.

"You're invading my home, there will be consequences," Tucker yelled but his voice got a scared tone as Liv, using her body, made Tucker's arm buckle. Tucker tried to grab Liv but Eli made sure he wasn't able to.

"You have no right to be here," Tucker yelled as he tried yanking his arm back from Eli's steady grip.

When that didn't work Tucker tried putting an elbow to his face but Eli was ready and ducked it easily.

Liv shoved every door open while bulldozing down the hallway, stopping to turn the light on in what looked to be a bedroom. It turned out to be a child's bedroom and the bed was made. She walked further down and didn't have to turn the light on in the next bedroom she found.

And she spotted Amanda immediately on the king size bed in the master bedroom. Liv threw Tucker a look that could've killed him, it even made Tucker take a step back.

Liv quickly walked up to the bed looking Amanda over on the way there. The blonde looked passed out, her hands were above her head and her legs looked spread in a way that didn't come naturally. Her boots were on the floor next to the bed. Her clothes looked intact but her top had been pulled out of her pants exposing her stomach a bit. Liv could see what looked like a wire on the bed next to Amanda.

"Amanda?" Liv tried, sitting down next to her, pushing her legs together and then touching her cheek. Amanda groaned slightly but didn't move much.

"C'mon sweetie," Liv said trying to turn her head over to get a better look at her. Liv let her hand go up her arm wanting to get a hold of her hand. Amanda's face crumbled a little.

"No," Amanda moaned stirring a little more on the bed. She was mumbling but Liv had no problem hearing what words came out from the defenseless woman on the bed;  
"I don't want to. Let me sleep. Please don't."

Liv felt cold inside but then got up charging Tucker with fire in her eyes.

"You son of a…" she said ready to punch him but Eli stepped in-between.  
"C'mon let's just get her out of here," Eli said trying to calm her down.

Nothing good would come out of her punching the IAB lieutenant right now. Even if he deserved it.

"I was just going to let her sleep it off," Tucker tried, "I was going to sleep in my son's room."  
"You didn't even want to let us know she was in here," Liv called him on his bluff.  
"I never said she wasn't in here," Tucker countered though trying to get out of the mess he knew he was in, "I just tried to protect her."

Liv threw him an ice cold look while she helped Eli get Amanda up in his arms.

Amanda again tried to object to being touched but Liv calmed her, letting her know everything was okay, that they were just taking her home. Since Amanda had no control of her own body Liv helped get her head to lean against Eli's shoulder as he changed his grip around her. It wasn't easy to hold on to a limp body but he was getting used to carrying this particular one. Liv folded her arm in as well and then grabbed her boots off the floor.

"Where's her jacket?" Liv asked and Tucker signaled outwards.  
"Get it," she said sternly and Tucker, although with a pissed face, turned to walk outside.

Liv let Eli walk out first so she could keep her eyes on Amanda. She touched the blonde's hair as they walked back out. This had been a close call Liv thought to herself.

Out in the hallway Tucker handed Liv Amanda's jacket and Liv ripped it out of his hands.

"Okay this is how this will play out," Liv said, "You're going to let my squad work this case with you from now on."

Tucker seemed to have something to say about that but Liv didn't let him.

"Shut up, you are going to let us in on this case or I'm charging you with attempted rape-"  
"What? No way, she _willingly_ came here tonight. She hasn't said no once-"  
"I'll get a blood test, it will show she's in no state to either say yes or no."  
"And that will prove what? I'll just say she said yes."  
"And we saw the position she was in, her top pulled, hands above her head, pinned down into the pillow, and she said no just by me touching her cheek. I'll have your badge if it's the last thing I'll do."

Liv stared him down not showing any of the doubts she had about having enough to charge him with. And she had a sneaky suspicion Amanda wouldn't be onboard either.

"Fine," Tucker finally said though, "I'll let your squad work the case with us."

Liv kept from pulling a breath of relief as she turned on her heal to get out of his ugly mug.

"I'm not admitting to any wrong-doings though-" she heard him saying stalking her to the door. Liv shot him another death glare and then hissed;  
"Let's get out of this dump, it stinks."

She made sure Eli had gotten Amanda safely out the door before she shut it in Tucker's face.

**Liv got in the back so** she could have Amanda's head in her lap. Eli helped get her safely inside the car and all rolled up on the seat she looked no bigger than a child, Liv getting a bit overwhelmed with motherly feelings.

"You okay?" Eli asked after a short drive.

He'd kept watching her in the back mirror, catching the concern written all over her face whenever a streetlight lit her up.

Liv met his eyes in the mirror and tried to make her nod believable. The motion made a tear escape her eye though and she didn't manage to catch it before it was halfway down her cheek. The smile she tried to shot him got twisted in a painful leer.

"It's not your fault Liv," Eli said just loud enough for her to hear.  
"But it is, she's _my_ detective and I'm failing," she said trying to keep her voice steady.  
"You can't change her past Liv, and you certainly aren't responsible for men like Mayhem. _Or Tucker_."

He tried holding her eyes in the mirror for as long as possible each time. Liv's face crumbled with rage as she thought about Tucker.

"Oh I want so badly to… fuck him up," Liv said trying to keep her voice low as she looked down at the sleeping detective in her lap. She kept caressing the side of her face, hoping just to mend something inside this obviously broken woman.

"He does not belong at internal affairs Eli," she said and caught his eyes in the mirror again, "he shouldn't be allowed to wear a badge at all."  
"It will catch up to him," Eli tried.  
"No, he keeps getting away with shit and this was… just the worst. He had her on his bed Eli, getting her undressed, what if we hadn't showed up in time or at all?"

He didn't have a good response to that and just stayed quiet.

"He took advantage of her," she continued, "What he was up to was criminal not to say immoral but parts of me worry she doesn't even care. Her eagerness to catch perps have I guess always made her a bit reckless but Eli, she purposely sneaked in to a deadly scene. She didn't even duck when bullets started flying. Maybe she had help getting this wasted tonight but it wasn't long ago she shot up. It's like she's completely lost any sense of… self-worth."

Liv's hand got stuck on Amanda's cheek. Looking down at her Liv got overwhelmed by the fear that one of these days she'd be looking down at Amanda's lifeless body and she had to brush away a few more tears that found their way down her cheeks.

"What about that dissociative business you told me about, that thing doctor Olivet mentioned?" Eli asked from the front seat to keep his girlfriend talking, "And I've told you about my PTSD theory, she reminds me a lot of some of my army friends that come back having seen and experienced horrendous stuff, losing squad mates…"

"Yeah I think I'm going to give Olivet a ring, see if she got anywhere with that," Liv mumbled from the back.

"I dunno what I can do to help out but I can take her out running like how you told me you brought her back last time… I can ask Brad if I can borrow his lodge, we can take her upstate, maybe do some hunting, surely a southern girl can hunt right," Eli tried shooting her a smile.

Liv held his eyes as long as she could.

"Have I told you lately how insanely happy I am to have you in my life," she said.  
"Not this week so thanks," he winked at her.  
"Seriously Eli," she said though wanting him to really take it in, "you're a good man."

He shot her a serious look but then he had to smile again.

"I love you," she let him know.  
"I love you too," he let her know right back.

**She had already told him** she wanted to bring Amanda home with them. Someone had taken their parking spot while they were gone and as usual it was tricky to find a spot at that time a night. They had to park quite a few blocks away but Eli said there were no worries as Liv expressed concern he would have to carry Amanda that far.

Eli didn't seem to get bothered by the nosey looks people walking by kept throwing them but it did bother Liv. She was mostly bothered by the prying eyes on Amanda and Liv felt a need to shield her from them by staring back at them.

"Maybe you should get in touch with Fin?" Eli suggested to distract her.  
"Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me, I'll text him once we're upstairs."

Liv went ahead to get the door and they got the elevator to themselves. Just as last time Eli brought her in to the guestroom and put her down gently. While Liv prepped Amanda for bed Eli went to fetch a glass of water and a bucket to place by her bed in case she would need it later or when she woke up. Liv did the opposite of undressing her as she buttoned up what Tucker had undone earlier and she felt a lot of emotions resurfacing.

"You think I let him off too easily?" she asked with a low voice when Eli came back.  
"_I_ think I let him off too easy," she corrected herself as she put words to her concerns.

"He's IAB Liv, we both know he has the power to cause trouble," Eli whispered, "and you'll be able to place someone with her on the assignment now. That's not a bad deal even though he deserves to have his balls stuffed down his throat for pulling this."

He helped her pull the cover over Amanda and then stepped back to give Liv room to fuss a bit more before she was able to step away as well.

"Could you pull the curtains?" she asked him and he did while she stepped back in to pull the cover up just an inch higher.  
"C'mon," Eli said and grabbed her hand to get her out of there.

He had an early shift in the morning but it was more out of concern for Liv he wanted them to get out of there and get some sleep.

"You want me to sleep at mine instead?" he whispered even though they were out in the hallway. She shook her head.  
"No, please stay," she answered with just as a low voice.  
"I'll hit the John first," he said, gave her lips a quick peck and then took off for the bathroom.

Liv stayed in the hallway and peeked through the opening she'd lef in the door. The beam of light from the hallway crossed right underneath Amanda's chin and shined some light on her face. Liv got her phone up and sent Fin a short text letting him know she'd let Amanda stay at her place tonight. She also wrote that they would come in a little later tomorrow and she asked him to cover for her. She had expected him to text right back, that he perhaps had been worrying by the phone all night but no text came and she put her phone back down and continued watching Amanda for a bit.

She hoped she would come to some realization while watching her. That some insight would hit her and she would figure out just exactly what to do and how to act. But nothing came to her. All she felt was a growing concern and she had a horrible feeling that maybe it was too late.

"Liv," Eli called silently from further down the hallway.

It made her jump slightly as she'd been stuck in her own thoughts. He cocked his head to get her to pull herself away from the guestroom. Reluctantly she pulled herself away.

"You wanna talk about it?" Eli asked a while later when they were both tucked in bed, Liv resting her head on Eli's chest.

She figured the tee he was wearing was only in concern for their houseguest as he usually wore nothing but his boxers to bed, and it was just one of many things he'd done tonight that reminded her why she loved him so much.

She shook her head against his chest though. She didn't feel like talking right now as nothing she had to say was positive.

"Okay but you know you can wake me when you do feel like talking," he said while running his hand through her soft strands. She nodded against his chest. She both heard and felt him trying to cover up a yawn.

"We'll get her through this," Eli whispered, "She isn't alone in this, and neither are you baby."

Her eyes were filled with tears but she was also smiling as she felt him drift asleep underneath her within a mere minute. She wasn't sure how he was able to do it but he always managed to say the exact right things to calm her. Listening to his steady heartbeat lulled her to sleep along with his comforting promise that they would get through this.

* * *

_You're my angel. I'm going to make you feel so good. You can count on me. I'll make you feel so good. You won't have to beg me. Shay I love you. I'll fuck you good. You won't have to beg. Shay. I'm gonna give you what you want. I can make you scream my name as well if you want me to. You're an inconsiderate little brat. Just let me give you what you need Shay. I'll make you feel so good. I'm gonna get you._

* * *

Liv and Eli sat up at the exact same time. For a second none of them realized what had woke them up. They had time to shoot each other a still dazed with sleep look right before the second shriek reached their ears. They were both up on their feet within seconds. Eli had the advantage of sleeping closest to the door as well as being just a bit quicker in his step than her and he reached the guest room before Liv.

He stopped dead in his tracks though as he'd pushed the door open, flooding the bed in light and exposing that there was no other threat in the room other than Amanda's own demons. Eli felt sad but he couldn't help but feel like he was invading her privacy as he saw Amanda sitting on her bed fighting some invisible monster right in front of her.

Liv pushed past him and got her knee up on the bed so she could reach for Amanda. With no concern for getting harmed by Amanda's reeling arms she tried to get a hold of the terrified woman. Amanda's breathing was shallow and rapid, her eyes wide and scared but Liv could tell she wasn't really seeing anything but whatever monster had haunted her dream.

"Amanda," Liv tried talking calmly to her.

Even though she was fighting the air in front of her Liv managed to rather easily get a hold of her wrists but the moment she closed her hands around them Amanda's arm went stiff and her fingers became rigid and sprawled out in an uncanny way. Her breathing got stuck in her throat and Liv feared she had set off another nightmare for Amanda. She tried loosening her grip around her wrists as she slowly guided her down back on the bed. She crossed Amanda's arms over her so she'd be able to keep them safely down with just a bit of pressure.

"You're okay," Liv lulled calmly, "You're safe."

Even from a distance Eli had seen the glimmer of sweat all over Amanda's face and once he was able to break his spell he let Liv know he would go wet a towel.

"Amanda you're safe here," Liv said once she'd gotten Amanda back down on the bed. She stroke away the strands of hair that had gotten caught on her face. Amanda's eyes had come down to normal size and she'd even turned her head slightly so her eyes were directed Liv's way but Liv wasn't sure she could still see her. Just in case though Liv smiled softly and kept talking just as softly.

Eli came back and handed her the damp towel. She used it carefully at first, didn't want the new object to scare her. When Amanda seemed to like the relief the towel gave her, her arms and fingers getting less rigid, Liv used the towel all over her face and after one stroke down her face Amanda's eyes were shut again. Liv tried, very carefully, to swipe the towel down around her neck. Liv pulled back when Amanda stirred and then waited until Amanda became still again after she'd rolled away and landed on her side. Cautiously Liv pulled her hair up on the pillow and then used the towel on the back of her neck.

Eli tried to gesture Liv with her once she shot him a look but she looked reluctant to leave Amanda's side. Eli stepped forward and whispered;

"You'll need your sleep too to deal with this in the morning."

She knew he was right and pulled herself up from the bed. Eli folded the towel and left it at the end of the bed. No one said anything on the way back to their bedroom. Eli landed first on the bed and pulled Liv in once she lied down.

"Some nightmare," she mumbled against his chest.

Eli played around with some strands of her hair.

"Yeah," he acknowledged and took a deep breath.

He'd gotten flashbacks from when his son had nightmares as a kid. It was the worst feeling in the world to get startled awake by your kid's terrified screaming. He'd been fully aware this wasn't his son screaming though as he bolted down the hallway. For a second images of Amanda stripped, bleeding and nailed to a table had flashed through his mind and he'd felt like he was down in that bunker again on the verge of finding her. It had almost been a relief to see her arms flapping around as he pushed through the door. But the look in her eyes had brought back the uneasy memories. Such horror that must've gone down in that bunker. Such horrible memories she must be carrying around each day.

Eli held Liv a little tighter.

"I think Fin deals with this. Often," Liv whispered.  
"Can't be easy," Eli whispered right back.

Liv stayed quiet for a while as her thoughts wandered.

She moved, let her chin rest on the back of her hand to spare Eli's chest from the sharp edge, and caught Eli's eyes.

"I think he's starting to fade though, like he's not able to cope any longer," she said with sadness in her voice.

Eli wasn't sure what to say and just traced one of her eyebrows with his finger.

"If he's starting to give up…" she was afraid to finish the sentence.  
"He doesn't strike me as a man who gives up, he was relentless during that time she was missing, working undercover on her own. He was on my case every day."  
"Yeah but it's been two, two and a half, years now."  
"But it only started back up with that crazy kid of that psychiatrist right?"  
"I think the nightmares have been constant. And I mean those injuries she suffered… Those two are private. The fact we're starting to see the cracks tells me it's getting really, _really_ bad."  
"Can it get worse though-" Eli started but stopped as Liv got up on her elbow.  
"She could die Eli," she said a bit shocked.  
"Okay okay," he said guiding her back down again as his intent hadn't been to rile her up.  
"All I meant is people talk about hitting rock bottom and I think getting that close to being violated by, well someone like Tucker, comes pretty close to that."  
"I think she's been down at that bottom for some time though," Liv sighed, "I'm not sure anything gets to her. It's like she turns something off. She smiled at me Eli when I confronted her yesterday. _Smiled_. I've only seen her act that way when we had to interrogate her two years ago. The more I think of it the more I'm certain she has some dissociative disorder. It's like she's hiding behind that Shay character. I hate Shay."

Liv turned to put her cheek down against his chest again but popped right back up as she thought she heard something from down the hallway.

"It was only the toilet," Eli said and put her head back down on his chest, "You have to let me fix that for you."  
"Can't you fix her instead," Liv moaned.  
"You know I would if I could," Eli said.  
"I know," Liv mumbled, "and you're already helping out a lot. You found her at that bar, dancing. You got her out of there and you had a big part in finding Mayhem and consequently getting her out of that bunker."  
"It's all about working as a team, that's always when you do best work in my experience," Eli said insightful as always. It got Liv thinking though.  
"What?" Eli asked as he could feel her mind turning.  
"Maybe nothing, let's just try and get some sleep okay," she said and put her head back up so she could scoot further up and rest her head next to his on the pillow.

His smile was blurry as she was so close to him but it made her feel better, and so did the kiss he planted on the tip of her nose before he laid back down and closed his eyes.

**Eli had an early shift that day** and sneaked out way before Amanda started to come to life. Once Eli had reassured Liv that Amanda was still asleep, and a restful sleep as well, she took the opportunity to sleep in as well. It seemed the powers to be wanted her to get some sleep too as her phone didn't buzz a single time before 9 am. After that though her phone came to life and she figured it was about time to get up.

She made sure Amanda was still asleep before she did anything else. She'd managed to tangle herself up in the cover and Liv had to fight hard to not fix it but knew she risked waking her up then and managed to talk herself in to taking a shower instead. She put on some clothes, checked on Amanda once more and then headed in to the kitchen to fix breakfast. She found a cute note from Eli by the coffee machine and smiled as she made herself a cup.

She returned a call before she started breakfast and sent Fin a thumbs up to his text that they had them covered in the squad room. Just as last time Amanda stayed over she wanted to fix a well-balanced breakfast that would hopefully help with the hangover. She was hoping Amanda would at least be able to do some in-house work today, mostly so she'd be able to keep an eye on her.

Amanda got a bad case of déjà vu once she finally came to. The bed, the walls, window, end table, and even the glass of water and bucket felt familiar. Unfortunately the headache and nausea felt familiar as well. _How the hell did she end up here again? _She sat up very slowly hoping to be able to avoid using the bucket this time around.

She could hear an unfamiliar voice very faintly in the back of her mind. _I'm going to make you feel so good. I'm gonna give you what you want. _She couldn't place the voice and it didn't do her any good trying to remember who could've uttered the words as faces of men she rather forget about kept popping up in front of her eyes when she did. The faces and the words going round and round her head made her have to reach for the bucket. She really didn't want to puke in Liv's guest room again and she tried taking short shallow breaths with her mouth open.

She heard some noise from outside and realized the door was slightly open. _God Liv had probably watched her drunken ass sleep._ With the notion she'd already made a fool out of herself and knowing it would probably make her feel better she hurled in the bucket after gathering her hair up in the back. She hated puking and it didn't make anything but her stomach feel slightly better. _Small profits_ she tried to think.

She got some water to wash her mouth out with and then drank some even though her nose and mouth was still filled with that despicable taste. She hoped Liv wasn't already clued in to the fact she was awake but she just couldn't make it down to the bathroom any faster than the pace she was going. She figured even a manatee out of water would be able to pass her. It was another small win as she was able to lock the bathroom door behind her without Liv catching her.

She tucked her hair down inside her top and washed her mouth out first but then splattered water all over her face and neck. There had been a towel on her bed that she'd brought and now used to dry herself off with. She made sure as much as possible in the bucket went down the toilet bowl and that nothing spilled before she cleaned it out in the shower. During the whole procedure she felt as though she could barf again at any second but she pushed herself through it and then took a breather, sitting down on the toilet lid for a bit.

The soft knock on the door took her by surprised but she was too dozy to really react and just looked up at the door.

"Amanda?" she heard Liv's soft voice on the other side of the door.

_Just kill me now. _

"Yeah?"  
"Can you open the door?"

_Any time now, I'm ready to go. _

Amanda forced herself over to the door, the few short steps felt worse than a marathon and she'd run a marathon so she'd knew. She could tell her hand was trembling as she reached up for the lock and she hurried to pull it back in and formed a fist the moment she'd unlocked the door. She figured she ought to open the door as well but she just couldn't make herself and felt a bit of relief when Liv finally turned the knob. That relief was gone the second she spotted Liv's concerned face in the opening.

"You doing okay?" Liv asked.

Amanda nodded but Liv wasn't so sure that was the truth judging by the lack of color in the detective's face.

"You didn't have to…" Liv said as she spotted the bucket in the shower.  
"Yes I had to," Amanda hurried to say, her voice so hoarse it even surprised her and she tried to clear her throat but it only set off a series of coughs. Liv quickly stepped over to the sink, grabbed a glass inside the bathroom cabinet, rinsed it and filled it up with water that she then handed to Amanda.

"You feel sick?" Liv asked as she could tell Amanda's lips were even whiter than earlier.

Amanda shook her head slightly with the glass right by her mouth. Liv rubbed her back gently as Amanda had some water.

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled once mouthfuls of nice water had gone down her pipe. She felt embarrassed by causing such commotion but thankfully it didn't show on her pale cheeks. It felt weird standing here in Liv's bathroom, her boss dressed in casual clothes and her hair up in a ponytail which was rare to see these days in the squad room.

She also felt embarrassed that Liv had to fuss around her, she did appreciate it though and it was something calming about the way she draw circles across her back. Amanda got even more touched as she got a flashback to when the scars on her back was still healing, the itching unbearable at times and how Fin had smeared ointment, bandaged her back and then gently rubbed his hand across her back, sometimes for hours, until her discomfort was gone and the tears had dried up on the pillow underneath her.

Liv was afraid the gesture made Amanda uncomfortable though and pulled back her hand.

"Do you want to take a shower?" she asked the younger woman.

Amanda wanted to say no even though she felt disgusting, clothes sticking to her skin and her hair was a mess. Liv caught her doubting and took that as a yes.

"Here's a new towel, and one for your hair if you need it," Liv said picking down two towels from a shelf. She put them on the sink as Amanda looked too weak to carry them and the glass at the same time.

"I'm going to find you some fresh clothes to wear, we're far from the same size so they will be too big for you but we'll make it work somehow," Liv said as she checked that there was enough soap and shampoo in the shower.

"…just too tall," Amanda mumbled in an attempt to smooth things over but Liv gave her a look.  
"Let's not kid ourselves. And don't for a second think I haven't noticed that you've lost weight and are still losing weight. It's part of the reason I'm going to make sure you stay to finish breakfast this time around."

Amanda finished the rest of her water just to be able to do something to avoid Liv's intense gaze.

"If you feel comfortable you can leave the door unlocked, I promise to just reach in and put them on here," Liv said and put her hand on what looked to be a bin for dirty laundry.  
"If you want to lock it though I'll just leave the clothes right outside."

Liv closed her hand around Amanda's arm for a brief moment, shot her a smile and then headed outside closing the door behind her. Amanda was left in her spot just breathing for a while. She had a hard time gathering her thoughts, trying that felt like a too big of a burden right now. _She felt weird about taking a shower at Liv's. She still didn't know what the hell she was doing there. Just the thought of breakfast was enough to make her feel nauseous again. At least the voice in the back of her mind had disappeared._

She left the door unlocked as she finally shed her clothes and stepped in to the shower. It hadn't been a conscious decision as she'd forgot about it and it was only until she stepped out again and spotted the clothes on the bin that she got a little worried what Liv might've seen as she put the clothes in. The shower cabin was fogged up by the massive heat she'd needed to feel somewhat clean so she didn't have to worry about Liv seeing her in the nude. With the towel wrapped tightly around her body and the other one folded to a turban around her wet hair she gathered up her old clothes that she'd spread sloppily all over the floor. _Why was she constantly such a mess?_

With her old clothes all bundled up in her arms she was left just standing there for a while. She suddenly felt like crying. _How did she get here? Why didn't she remember what happened last night? Why didn't the shower make her any less disgusting?_

She bit her teeth together hard and tried taking a few deep breaths through her nose. _She couldn't fall apart now. Not here. Not right now. _She tried folding her old clothes up best she could and left them on a pile on the toilet lid. Once she'd dried herself up she had a look at what Liv had left her. Putting her legs through a pair of new briefs that belonged to her boss felt so awkward but at least they fit somewhat well as they were of a tight fitting type.

The black jeans were also a slim type but they didn't cling to Amanda's legs thanks to the different size and she had to fold up the legs more than once. Instead of a bra Amanda found a tight tank top. She was a little surprised to find the top not being that tight even though the size was small. Throwing a look at herself in the mirror, her reflection coming through the fog now, the first thing she noticed was her collarbone and the dark shadow both underneath and above it. She traced her fingers over it, dipping down in the cavity underneath and then turned to have a look at the other one, a little shocked to find it just as bulging as the other one. She turned sideways, tried to get up on her toes to get a better look at herself but failed to stay up for long but she didn't mind as she didn't like what she saw.

Letting her hands go down the sides of herself she felt her own ribs through the top and she felt even more disgusted by herself. She reached for the last garment on the bin and then quickly thread the white long-sleeved top over her head. She pulled the tank top down over her jeans hoping it would help to both hold them up and not give away how lose they were around her waist. The white top helped cover everything up, at least Amanda thought so and got going on drying her hair with the towel. She used her fingers to comb through the damp strands. She could see Liv's brush by the sink but it felt weird to borrow it on top of everything else she'd borrowed so it would just have to do. She hung the towels on an empty rack by the shower, picked up the pile of her old clothes, took a deep breath and then stepped outside.

She heard noises from the kitchen area and slowly moved down towards it. She found Liv arranging two trays with still steaming scrambled eggs on plates on them. There were bread and juice and what looked like coffee mugs. It was only the coffee that looked inviting to her and she felt guilty for already dissing Liv's thoughtfully prepared breakfast.

"Oh there you are," Liv smiled when she spotted the detective.  
"Oh I got a plastic bag for you," Liv said and reached over on the counter to grab said bag.

Liv came over to her also holding on to a pair of rolled up socks.

"Forgot to put these in as well but didn't want to disturb you twice," she said and gave Amanda the socks after she'd grabbed the pile of clothes from her.  
"I was thinking we could eat on the couch so go sit down, put those on, I know my floors can get a little cold," Liv said as she deliberately took charge of Amanda's old clothes.

Liv would do whatever she could this time to keep Amanda in her apartment until she'd been able to say her piece. Amanda felt too slow to keep up with Liv right now and just did as she was told. Sitting down felt nicer than she could've imagined but then getting the socks on got more strenuous than it had ever been before. She tried to not make it look as demanding as it felt when Liv came walking in with one of the trays.

"How's the head?" Liv asked.  
"So-so?" Liv guessed when Amanda looked uncertain what to say. Amanda just scrunched up her nose as either giving a no or yes answer to that one felt okay.  
"Let's try food first okay, if that doesn't help I'll give you some Tylenol," Liv said and walked back for the second tray.

Amanda felt completely useless and looking at all the nice food Liv had prepared she felt ungrateful.

"Okay, well I'm starving," Liv said putting down her own tray on the table.

She sat down on the couch next to Amanda.

"Don't we have to be at work already?" Amanda said not able to join Liv in her desire to eat.  
"Fin is covering for us, we got time," Liv said before she had some juice, "C'mon eat."

Liv cocked her head towards Amanda's tray but then focused back on her own.

"Don't worry about spilling," Liv said as she grabbed her plate with eggs, bread and ham and sat back on the couch, bringing her legs up with her.  
"One nice thing about the sergeant's paycheck is I can now afford to hire someone to come and clean once a week, with the extended workload that's a real blessing, and one chore I don't miss," Liv said with a wink.

Amanda tried her best to give her a genuine smile but everything about this situation felt weird. She still grabbed her plate, but not before having a taste of her coffee, and sat back on the couch. She didn't feel comfortable getting as relaxed as Liv seemed but she had to climb up slightly to be able to sit up straight. She tried some eggs, couldn't feel much taste but was just happy they didn't swell in her mouth the way food usually seemed to do these days.

Liv tried to not make it too obvious that she kept an eye on Amanda, and she also tried to slow down her eating as it would obviously take Amanda a while to get her food down. She put her plate in her lap and reached for her juice and the smaller plate with fresh fruit sliced up.

"Philip Pulliam is back behind bars again," Liv said just to break the awkward silence.

Amanda gave her a nod, looking somewhat pleased with the news.

"Bullets went through and through, no permanent damage. There's going to be an extensive investigation as to how he was able to skip his detail at the hospital. Too early yet to say if there will be another trial, if we're lucky he'll just accept the charges and the added years to his sentence. Would probably be best for all of us if we can avoid another trial."

All Amanda could do was nod again.

"And I spoke to Helen yesterday. She's going to push her daughter back to counseling."

Amanda was busy trying to get a small piece of eggs on her fork as well as avoid Liv's stare.

"Speaking of, when's your next session with doctor Olivet?"

The question caught Amanda a little off guard and she tried to come up with something to say.

"Amanda?" Liv had time to ask though, and she'd seen the dismay all over Amanda's face.  
"I'm thinking… of maybe switching therapist so I'm not sure," Amanda said with her eyes down on her plate.  
"Oh," Liv said, both sounding and feeling a little worried to learn this, "How come?"  
"I just… I dunno," was all Amanda could come up with.

Liv pondered on what she could say while chewing on a piece of apple. She watched Amanda still struggling with keeping a small piece of eggs on her fork.

"It's been two years now hasn't it, since you started seeing her," Liv said even though she knew for sure, "…do you feel like you're not getting anywhere any longer?"  
"I…," Amanda started but then just ended up shrugging.  
"You're not quitting just because she finally challenged you or something, are you?" Liv decided to not hold back.

She'd already gone over in her head what she wanted, or _had_ to tell Amanda, and this was far from the most frank thing she had to address this morning. Amanda glanced her way.

"Cause that's not the person I know you to be Amanda," Liv said when she lost Amanda's blue, "You're not a quitter."

They ate under silence for a while. Liv was pleased with every little piece of egg she saw go in to Amanda's mouth and it looked as though she was starting to get some color back to her skin.

"I have to say I would find it sad if you left Olivet after all this time. She came in to the station looking for you, from what I've seen she really cares for you… maybe more than you care about yourself," Liv dared to put it out there.

She watched Amanda pull her legs up and fold them to her body. Liv had always enjoyed watching body language and that small move told her a lot about Amanda's need to rally around herself. At least she hadn't made a move towards the door which Liv was half expecting but she knew they still hadn't getting to the really hard bits.

"How do you like the bread?" Liv asked just to get Amanda to try the bread, "I usually go for a different kind but Eli did the grocery shopping yesterday."

Amanda took a very small bite of it but Liv would take whatever she could get at the pace they were going. Amanda mumbled something that sounded somewhat positive.

"Even better with the ham on," Liv said but then bit down to not become overbearing. She knew Amanda had a problem with getting coddled.  
"He's at work? Eli?" Amanda asked after she'd managed to get another piece of bread down.

She hadn't thought about him before Liv mentioned him and now she was a little worried he would pop his head out at any moment and that she might've made a fool of herself in front of both of them last night. She also recalled what had happened last time she ended up here, _Eli had been the one that brought her over here. He'd carried her and right now that was the most humiliating thing she could think of._ _Had he done the same last night? Had she'd been on the bar last night? But she had no memory at all of that. What little memory she had, that voice telling her how good he would make her feel, didn't piece together with ending up here. _

Nausea started to wash over her again and she put her plate down on the tray so she could have some juice instead. The liquid stung going down her throat but it did help to get the nausea down and she grabbed a piece of fruit to help get it down further.

Liv had watched her with great interest. It was like mentioning Eli had set off a chain of physical reactions and drained her from all color again.

"Yes, he had an early shift this morning," she said once whatever had washed over Amanda seemed to have calmed down. Amanda gave her a brief nod that she'd heard her but avoided looking at Liv. Liv let her have another piece of fruit and some more juice before she decided to take the bull by the horn.

"Amanda do you have any memory of what happened last night?"

Amanda stopped chewing for a moment and Liv was pretty sure she was calculating the best escape route in her head. Liv put her plates and her glass back on the tray again and moved slightly so she came a little closer to her as well as faced her more head on.

"Amanda this is very important, what do you remember from last night?" Liv asked with her most serious voice.

Amanda swallowed hard. Her sister suddenly flashed before her eyes and she recalled all those times her little sister had tried to get out of messy situations. _Her number one strategy had always been to pretend to choke on something, it was only useful when food was around or when she chewed on one of those bloody chewing gums that Amanda would find stuck in her hair the next morning if she didn't make sure she'd spit it out before bed time. She'd even brushed her teeth with the gum still in her mouth if Amanda didn't watch her._

_Choking was a winning strategy though, got her out of all sorts of troubles and had even got them out of paying at some diners. The diversion strategy wasn't as useful as Kim had always been a terrible liar._ The memories made Amanda feel warm all over but it also brought tears to her eyes.

"Amanda," Liv spoke softly. She'd seen all the emotions on her face.

Amanda glanced her way, having momentarily forgotten what Liv had initially asked her.

"Do you remember anything from last night?" Liv asked carefully.

She started to worry alcohol may not have been the only contributing factor to Amanda ending up at Tucker's, _what if she'd transitioned as well? What if Shay had reared her ugly head and enticed Tucker?_

"I'm sorry for whatever I did," Amanda's voice was barely heard, "I didn't mean to do it."  
"Amanda, what do you remember?" Liv asked and moved even closer, leaning more in front of her to try and force Amanda to look at her.  
"I had that assignment… I was at the bar…" Amanda whispered, her face completely pale again.  
"Yes, you're at the bar. Do you remember who you talked to there?"

Amanda's brows crumbled but she stopped that the moment she realized how painful it was to do that right now.

"Cassidy," she breathed and looked surprised herself that she came up with an answer. She looked to Liv for confirmation though and Liv nodded.  
"Cassidy brought me here?" Amanda guessed.  
"You don't remember what happened after talking to Cassidy at the bar?" Liv asked with great concern.

Amanda tried hard but her mind was blank and it only made her feel worse knowing she had another episode of losing time. At least alcohol being the reason behind this one felt a tad bit normal.

"You really have no idea what happened after the bar do you?" Liv asked.  
"I didn't mean to do whatever I did…" Amanda whispered with both desperation and regret in her voice.  
"Amanda you got drunk, that's not _recommended_ on the job but… but someone took advantage of that…"

Amanda felt cold inside. _Was Cassidy the voice she'd heard earlier? Had she slept with Cassidy? But it still didn't explain how she ended up here._

"Cassidy called me up, told me you'd gotten really drunk and wanted to make sure you got home alright. He didn't trust the person who offered to take you home, and he was right not to…"

Amanda just watched Liv, she had a hard time putting things together right now. _She hadn't slept with Cassidy? So if not Cassidy, then who? _

"We found you passed out… at Tucker's. We found you in his bed Amanda…"

The words sank in slowly and she didn't hear anything else Liv was saying. _Tucker_.

This time the nausea hit her without real warning and all she had time to do was lean forward over the tray. With her legs folded to herself she probably would've fallen over if Liv hadn't grabbed a hold of her. She didn't have much in her stomach to throw up but it was enough to be disgusting and a total insult of the breakfast Liv had prepared for her.

"Oh my God I'm sorry," Amanda panted, "I'm so sorry."  
"It's okay Amanda," Liv tried and she was being honest. Guts and gore had never concerned her much and her mother had made her more or less immune to the stench or repulsion of puke.

"What a mess, I'm sorry," Amanda felt completely mortified but couldn't move much fearing that she had more to retch and that letting go of Liv's support would make her keel over completely.

"It's not such a mess and it's okay Amanda," Liv kept trying to reassure her.  
"Let's get you to the bathroom, wash you off," Liv said. She couldn't see any stains on her new clothes but if she had any she would just dig up new ones for her.

"Careful," Liv said helping her to her feet and feeling her sway. She pointed out a piece of apple on the rug as well so Amanda wouldn't step on it.  
"Oh God I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled stepping around the piece of food on the rug that thankfully looked rather solid but still.  
"Stop it, it's okay," Liv withheld.

It wasn't anywhere near the mess her mom used to make after a period of binge drinking. Liv was just sad Amanda didn't get to keep the small amount of food she'd managed to eat. But she didn't blame her for getting sick over hearing what a horrible thing Tucker had done to her taking advantage of her in such a state.

"I can do it on my own," Amanda mumbled and let go of the arm she'd been holding on to. She focused on staying steady on her feet.  
"You sure?" Liv asked not wanting to let go of her just yet.  
"I'm sure," Amanda reassured her.  
"Okay, I'll take care of things out there then-"  
"No, you shouldn't have to do that," Amanda said and turned back. She immediately regretted turning around so quickly and again felt mortified as Liv was forced to grab a hold of her to keep her upright.

"Don't be silly Amanda," Liv said fixing her eyes at Amanda, "You didn't even have time to digest what little you ate, it's just pieces of food spread around, it's really no big deal."  
"Okay," Amanda managed to breath.  
"Can you make it down to the bathroom on your own?" Liv wanted to know. Amanda nodded but very slowly to not make herself dizzy or anything.  
"Okay, I'll meet you back here in a while then," Liv said and flashed her a smile before she let her go again.  
"Okay. Thank you," Amanda mumbled as she slowly turned back around.

Had she felt stronger she would've probably made an attempt for the door by now but she knew she wouldn't make it far if she tried to bolt now. Her stomach kept turning and she was a little afraid she would throw up again and she took it slowly, leaning one hand against the wall as she went.

Liv pulled a deep sigh as she'd watched Amanda's back disappear around the corner and she turned back to their breakfast trays. It wasn't the mess that really wasn't a mess in front of her but just everything about this assignment and Tucker and Amanda's downward spiral. It was just a little too much to handle and she hated not knowing a way through and out of it. The cleaning up went smoothly but she thought about getting some new eggs going _or maybe just a sandwich was enough?_ _She really wanted Amanda to eat something, she'd seen how thin she looked sprawled out on Tucker's bed like that yesterday and she'd also seen how even the tightest and tiniest clothes she'd been able to dig out hung lose on her shrinking frame._

She managed to clear both trays and get herself a new cup of coffee without seeing any sign of Amanda. Finally she just went down the hallway. Not even caring if she was invading Amanda's privacy once again she knocked on the door. The knock made the door fall open and she immediately spotted Amanda hunched down by one wall with one of the towels from earlier pressed hard against her face.

Liv got down by her side and apologized when she felt Amanda jolt underneath her touch. Amanda tried to shake her head as to say there was no need to apologize but she refused to remove the towel from her face. Liv pulled at it though. She had a pretty good idea what Amanda was up to but she felt a need to see for herself and also to let Amanda know it was okay for her to cry in front of her.

It didn't take much for Liv to get Amanda to release the towel and the moment it left her face tears started drizzling down over her cheeks rather than in to the cloth.

"It's okay," Liv soothed using her hand to wipe some tears to the side.  
"I'm such a disaster," Amanda breathed in-between sobs.  
"No Amanda. You're human. No one goes through what you've been through without some… _repercussions_."

Liv stroke back some hair from Amanda's neck. Amanda glanced Liv's way. She hated the way her sobs kept making sounds up her throat and how her entire body shivered each time one rippled out of her but it was too late now, Liv had already seen her breakdown. Amanda couldn't spot any sign of disapproval on Liv's face though.

"It's okay Amanda," Liv reassured her and Amanda became a little afraid the older woman could read her thoughts. Sometimes things like that worried her but just looking in to Liv's big brown eyes calmed her.

"What if Olivet thinks I'm crazy?" Amanda asked, sobs still affecting her voice making her sound frail.

Liv's eyes narrowed. She shook her head a little as she didn't understand what Amanda was asking.

"Doctor Olivet said I might have some disorder. Would I lose my job if I had a disorder?"

Liv tried to not smile too widely. Amanda's concern warmed Liv's heart, the fact she worried about losing her job over such a thing was probably the healthiest sign Liv had seen in a long time.

"Tell me more, what have Olivet told you?" Liv said and rearranged herself to sit a little more comfortable on the hard surface. She stopped stroking back Amanda's blond strands and just rested her hand on her shoulder.

"I don't really know," Amanda said with a slight shrug, "I ran out. I'm such a baby."

Amanda rolled her eyes at herself and made Liv chuckle slightly. Amanda smiled, wiped away a tear that had gotten stuck on her cheek and tried to take a deep breath. The breath was interrupted by another sob but Amanda tried to pull herself together quickly.

"She said I might have some dissociative disorder," Amanda said seriously, "She said she'd seen my manner and heard my voice shift. She thinks I hide behind Shay."

Mentioning Shay made Amanda start crying again and this time it bothered her. She tried wiping them away with two harsh palms against her eyes. Liv made her stop though by grabbing on to her hands and bringing them down to her lap.

"I dunno," Amanda sighed dejected, "All I heard was that it wasn't uncommon in cases… like mine, you know with the childhood… abuse," Amanda swallowed that last word, for her it was humiliating to own up to how weak she's been as a child, "And well Mayhem and everything."

Liv wished she could make Amanda feel more comfortable but at least they were talking about this for the first time.

"She said it was manageable though, if it's manageable I can keep my job right?" Amanda looked at her with those puppy eyes again.  
"You don't have to worry about your job Amanda," Liv said and couldn't stop herself from stroking the younger woman's hair back again.  
"We have to worry about _you_ though, you can't run towards bullets, that's not acceptable," Liv said seriously.

Amanda's entire body slumped even further and she folded her eyes down shamefully.

"Hey," Liv said to get her to look up again, "_We'll_ get through it. We're talking…"

Liv smiled at her. Amanda tried to smile back but she felt too tired to do anything right now.

"Do you know what a dissociative disorder is?" Liv asked not wanting to stop talking now that they were doing such a good job with it. Amanda nodded.  
"I looked it up online," she said with a sigh.  
"Do you think Olivet can be right? That you're su-," Liv had been about to say _suffering_ but realized it was a bad choice of word and corrected herself, "You think you might have it?"

Amanda shrugged slightly.

"I guess. Maybe. It would explain some stuff I've done. Some things I've said that I didn't really mean," Amanda looked at Liv, she knew she owed her boss both explanations and apologies, "I'm not going to use it as an excuse though. I've not been a good employee, not a good partner. There's no excuse for that."

"I'm… well grateful you think of us but don't be too hard on yourself. You're a good, no _great_ detective Amanda. You have great instinct and I don't want to lose you on my squad. You're a great asset. You saved Hailey. I would've wanted you to go about it in a different way but you did save her, and she's not the only one you've saved or helped. But it can't come in expense of yourself Amanda. And believe me, I've been there. I've given a lot to this job so I know but I've learnt that you have to be protective of yourself as well or you won't last in this line of work. It takes a toll on you so you really need to be grounded. And it's not a job you do alone. You need to rely on your partner and on your squad. We need each other. We need you Amanda."

Liv piped down. She knew she had a tendency to get preachy and she knew Amanda could shut down if it got too much.

"I've done some messed up things though…" Amanda said quietly.  
"Something you want or feel like you can tell me?" Liv asked hoping Amanda would want to but steeled herself for the likeliness Amanda might feel she'd already opened up too much already.

"That night… the drugs. I know it was stupid. Risky. But I had to find my friend. Sierra."

Liv just gave her a brief nod.

"I've seen Anton, Anton Golov, a few times. Most recently this weekend."  
"Why?"  
"For Sierra at first. Then to get intel on Okeke's whereabouts. And there's… I dunno but I feel drawn to him, for myself somehow I mean…"

Amanda looked to Liv almost like she was hoping Liv would have answers.

"Because of who his father is, or rather was?" Liv guessed. Amanda shrugged.  
"It doesn't make sense though, Gordon was just…" Amanda shivered and made a face of disgust.  
"He was… evil, just the most arrogant and like he was entitled to get whatever he wanted…" Amanda gritted her teeth, a mash of anger and disgust tumbling around inside her. Thinking of Gordon made her think of another arrogant and narcissistic person she knew.

"Oh God I can't believe I slept with Tucker," Amanda said, her entire face crumbling and she hid in the towel again.  
"Amanda you didn't _sleep_ with Tucker," Liv said quickly and stroke the back of her head.

Amanda looked up, eyes filled with tears again.

"We got there before anything like that happened," Liv said and Amanda looked relived.  
"But I don't like that you think of it as you'd sleep with him. If anything would've happened that would've been rape Amanda. You were in no state last night to have consensual sex. Brian said you were wasted at the bar, Tucker offered to take you home and there's no doubt in my mind it was premeditated. When I found you… first off Tucker didn't want to let us inside his place. He lied and said you weren't in there but I wouldn't take his word for it. The way he'd displayed you on his bed Amanda," Liv fixed her eyes at her, tried to hold back because of the tremble on Amanda's lower lip as she had to make sure she knew just how bad it could've gone and that they were talking about a felony here and not some consensual sexual act.

"He'd removed your wire, it was by the side of the bed. Your top was pulled up, your pants unzipped, hands above your head and it looked as though he'd held your wrists down. He was dressed when he finally opened the door to us but I can't tell exactly what he'd been up to before we got there."

Amanda folded her eyes down again.

"If you want to make a formal complaint, even charge him with something, I'll back you up. Eli will have your back too, he saw what I saw. Tucker denied all wrong doing of course but he was guilty, his entire face told me he was guilty. So if you want to make it formal, I'll have your back."

Amanda shook her head slowly, eyes staring somewhere in the distance.

"Are you sure Amanda? I regret not taking more actions last night."  
"There's no use with men like Tucker…" Amanda mumbled.  
"That's exactly why you should file charges though," Liv said and moved so she got more in front of Amanda than to the side.  
"It's not right for him to get away with something like that," Liv said still trying to catch Amanda's eyes.  
"No, I can't. I got drunk, I shouldn't have gotten that drunk," Amanda mumbled.

Liv watched her, wished she could convince Amanda somehow. Her hands rested on Amanda's legs.

"Has he tried something before?" Liv asked.

Amanda managed to break the aimless stare and looked at Liv.

"Has he Amanda? You have to tell me," Liv asked seriously.

Amanda looked a little hesitant.

"I struggle with…you know knowing… boundaries. Like I dunno sometimes I just approach men I want nothing to do with. Not Tucker though. I've never, you have to believe me."

Liv reached up and touched Amanda's face. There was no need for her to work herself up like that, Liv knew Amanda had given her reasons to doubt her in the past but right now she didn't doubt anything Amanda said.

"We've been in the car a few times, just the two of us. He's touched my leg. It felt weird. Once he parked away from anything and it got weird. He called me this weekend, and by the end it got… weird."

She wasn't sure how to describe it in any other way than _weird_.

"But that's all, I just don't know, I feel so confused…" Amanda's lower lip started shivering again and it didn't take long until tears found their way down her cheeks.

Amanda was about to hide herself in the towel again but Liv was quicker and she pulled the younger woman in to her arms before she had time to do hide away. Amanda felt stiff in her arms and it felt as though she tried to pull away but then Liv just moved in closer and worked her way to a stronger hold around the other woman.

Amanda was fighting her tears as well as the torture of getting hugged but she finally lost both battles and just broke down sobbing in her boss' arms, clutching her sweatshirt for dear life.

"You're okay," Liv whispered and started rocking them slowly back and forth.  
"You're okay."

It took a long time for Amanda to calm down. Liv had no problem sitting there for as long as it took, she'd found a comfortable spot to sit on and the way they were holding on to each other gave them both support. She figured Amanda had a lot of tears and sadness built up and she was only happy to be there for her in that moment when it became too much to hold inside any longer.

Liv could feel when Amanda was ready to sit back up but Liv choose to hold on just a little bit longer, rub her back a few more times hoping to reassure her she had nothing to feel embarrassed about once they faced each other again.

Amanda looked for stains on Liv's shirt the moment they let go of each other. She'd left many on Fin but it felt worse to leave some on her boss. Thankfully the towel seemed to have gotten most of the shed tears and snot. Liv had kept her hands on Amanda's back, letting them move up to her shoulders as Amanda sat up properly. Liv stroke back some hair behind Amanda's ear while waiting for Amanda to be able to face her.

Amanda used the towel to wipe her face. She felt embarrassed but not as much as she'd expected. She had thought sitting on the floor in her boss' bathroom, after having puked all over her living room, crying her eyes out in the same boss' arms would be close to the worst thing she could experience but oddly enough it wasn't. _She'd been through some ugly shit though_. The thought made her smile vaguely.

Liv spotted the mysterious smile and couldn't help but smile herself. She touched Amanda's chin slightly, wanting her to look up, and she got the result she wanted.

"Okay?" Liv asked.

Amanda folded her eyes down again but nodded. A deeper shade of red spreading on her already flustered cheeks and with the red eyes and red tip of her nose it was more color than Liv had seen on her face in a long, long time. Amanda stroke her own hair behind her ear, embarrassment written all over her but she still had that vague smile.

Liv still had her hands on Amanda's shoulder and she was close enough to swipe her thumb along her jawline once Amanda had stopped nervously making sure a strand of hair stayed behind her ear.

"I just… kinda wish you'd told me I didn't sleep with Tucker, I probably wouldn't have puked all over your living room then," Amanda whispered and made Liv chuckle.

Amanda felt too tired to even chuckle but her smile spread and she dared to face Liv again.

"Okay, you're right, I should've started with that" Liv said still chuckling slightly, "but living room is fine. _We're_ fine."

Liv thought about it and added, "We'll _be_ fine. We need some work though don't we?"

Amanda's smile vanished as she stared at Liv. She finally nodded though.

"But we're all here for you Amanda. Just like we know we can count on you if we need you."

Amanda looked scared but nodded again. Liv squeezed her shoulder to get her to look up again.

"Do you feel okay to keep working the assignment for Tucker? I'll put a stop to it instantly if you tell me you're not up for it."

Amanda thought about it, or tried to think it over, her head was a mess right now.

"No I think I need to finish it. I beat that man. He was a bad man but that's not how I want to uphold justice. I think stopping the vigilance group would feel good. I think I have to do it."  
"Okay but you will not have to be alone with Tucker ever again. You _won't_ be alone with Tucker ever again," Liv corrected herself, "The one thing I did managed to do last night was get Tucker to agree to us working the case with you. So we'll have your back from now on and I will personally make sure you will never be alone with Tucker again. He has nothing to threaten you with from now on, we have all the cards and if you change your mind, if you want to file charges, I will back you up."

Amanda nodded. It felt good to know her boss had her back but having her on the case made her feel a little nervous as well. Everything that had happened in that bar, the men who'd seen her dance, that expected her to be licentious, the bathroom incident, the vulgar suggestions, she wanted all that to be separate. She didn't want Liv and the guys to know about all that, to _hear_ all that. She would have to wise up, not drink as much. She'd been good for a few days, she'd stayed away from alcohol but last night things had just felt inconsolable again.

_But maybe separating things only benefited this dissociative whatever it was she had? Maybe Shay really was her escape goat? She'd never thought about it like that. Shay had just felt easier. In many senses of the word. Carefree, easy going, not so worried about things the way Amanda constantly worried about things and people. Shay was more naïve and it was such a relief to not have to constantly worry and think and plot._ Amanda wasn't sure why it suddenly was so easy for her to see how bad this was for her though. _Why didn't she realize this sooner?_

"You okay?" Liv had to ask as she'd seen Amanda drift in her thoughts.

Amanda snapped back to present and nodded. She wanted to tell Liv she was scared but she couldn't make herself. She'd already shared so much. _It wasn't like her to be scared. What if it was Shay that was scared? What if she didn't know who she really was any longer?_

"Hey, you're going pale on me again," Liv said and touched her cheek.  
"I'm going to need you to eat something for me. I'm worried about your weight," Liv said and squeezed Amanda's shoulder a little, getting an even better feel of the sharp collarbone in the palm of her hand.

"Do you feel up to going in to work today or do you want to take the day off?" Liv asked sincerely.  
"I'm… a little tired," Amanda admitted.  
"So you're taking the day off. And no assignment tonight either. You think you'll be up for it tomorrow night? I'll deal with Tucker if you're not."  
"Tomorrow will be fine."  
"Sure?" Liv asked. Amanda nodded.  
"Okay, I'll call Tucker later. I'll come with you and I'll ask one of the guys to join as well."  
"You won't tell them… I mean about Tucker," Amanda asked anxiously.  
"Not if you ask me not to but I don't want the reason to be that you feel embarrassed over it. You got drunk Amanda, that's not a crime. What Tucker tried to do though is."  
"Please don't tell them. I'm not… embarrassed," she knew Liv could see through that but it wasn't the main reason she wanted it kept a secret, "It's just… Fin. I'm starting to tear him down as well. That can't happen."  
"You'll tell him when the time feels right though? You shouldn't keep secrets from each other."

Liv wasn't sure if she was talking about them as partners or more than partners. It wasn't that important though, they shouldn't keep secrets from each other either way.

"I'll tell him," Amanda whispered.  
"Okay, good," Liv said hoping she could trust Amanda.  
"So how about you give me a minute to get in to my work gear and then I'll drive you home, make a stop at a place to get some food in you. Sounds okay?"

Amanda nodded. The part about the food didn't sit so well with her but the part about going home sounded wonderful. Liv got to her feet and extended her hand down towards Amanda. Liv knew they still had some way to go but Amanda accepting the extended hand and the help up from the floor felt like a little win and Liv had learnt to be pleased over what little she could get.

**Liv had tried to persuade** Amanda to sit down at a diner together but Amanda had insisted she'd already kept Liv from work for too long and Liv hoped she was being honest. Liv didn't listen to Amanda though as she paid for a huge bagel that they picked up at a stand by the road on the way over to Amanda's.

Amanda did her best to make sure Liv really got how grateful she was for everything and she promised to wash her clothes and bring them back to her as soon as possible. Liv told her to not stress over it and the most important thing was that she took care of herself and was honest with herself if she felt up to working or not.

Amanda waved her off and was left on the curb with a small bag containing a bagel and a bigger bag with her clothes. There was a rather hefty breeze today and it felt almost like she could easily go with the leaves rumbling down the street if she just gave in. She wasn't sure she'd ever felt this weak before. She checked her watch. She couldn't think of anything better to do than crash on her bed, or even better, on Fin's bed. Still when she spotted a cab further up the street she stepped out on the pavement and waved it down.

The wind was just as hefty on this side of the city and she'd sought refuge on a bench. It didn't give her shelter from the wind so much but at least the threat of tumbling along with it was gone. The cold wind and the strands of hair whipping her cheek was actually a good thing, it kept her awake. She could tell people looked at her as she passed, she couldn't blame them she could feel that she looked bad. And it probably didn't help hugging the bags close to her frame. She had to remind herself to watch the building, every sound around her seemed to call for her attention and lured her to look away.

She started to think this had been a really bad idea. _Wouldn't it have been better to just call? She wasn't even sure this person went out for lunch. Lots of people brought lunch boxes with them to work. Why couldn't she just think before acting? _Her thoughts got interrupted when the person she'd been waiting for suddenly appeared out of the building above her. She scrambled to her feet and almost lost hold of the small bag with the bagel. When she looked back up again she'd lost track of the person she was there to see and she panicked for that short second it took her to get eyes on her again.

"Doctor Olivet," she called out taking a few steps closer to the stairs she was coming down from.  
"Amanda," Olivet said a little surprised but then got a smile over her face.

She got a little concern though seeing Amanda in what looked like a very frail state. She was pale, her hair curly and wild around a cheerless face. She was clutching hard to a couple of plastic bags and her jeans looked like they could fall off her hipbones at any minute.

Amanda tried to swipe away some of the hair from her face but it was a constant battle with the wind blowing it back across her face.

"What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" Olivet said. She'd tried hard, knowing Amanda's need for personal space, but she just had to place a soft hand on the back of her arm. Through the disarray of blond strands across her face Olivet thought she picked up on tears glistening in the young woman's eyes.

"I'm sorry I ran out doctor Olivet," Amanda said so quiet Olivet would've probably not heard her if the wind hadn't carried her small words to the doctor's ear.

"It's okay Amanda," Olivet said and put a little more pressure on Amanda's arm. Olivet waited for her to say something. She could only hope Amanda was there for a specific reason and she knew only Amanda could ask for it.

"I need help doctor Olivet. I really need help."

* * *

"_Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."_ ~ **Hermann Hesse**


	19. Chapter 19: Rebellion

Thank you so much for the reviews. Have a great weekend. XO

* * *

**Chapter 19: Rebellion**

* * *

"_The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe_" ~ **Friedrich Nietzsche**

* * *

When Fin got home that night he found Amanda sound asleep on her bed in Ken's old room. He'd been worried she wouldn't be home so it was a relief to see her there. He hadn't worried last night, mostly enjoyed a night off from everything but that had changed as he caught eyes on Liv's fatigue face as she walked in to the squad room right before lunch. She'd called them all in to her office, asked the last person in to close the door behind them and he prepared himself for the worst.

The least worst scenario was that Amanda was fired. The worst that she was dead and Fin had to sit down as he feared he would drop to the floor with the lack of oxygen he felt right then. None of those scenarios came through though but he still had a hard time coming back from the fear he'd felt. It almost felt like he'd dodged a bullet but he realized she was still in the line of fire.

Liv informed them, mostly directed at Keith, that Amanda had been working a very secret assignment for IAB. She gave them what they needed to know, the officer that had killed a perp and finally killed himself while in custody. The admissions he'd made about a vigilance group and about a man called Soldier. Liv didn't mention just how Amanda had stumbled in to this operation but just told them, again mostly Keith, that it was because of her past going through a horrible ordeal and being a survivor of a serial killer and how her past seemed to correlate with the other members of this vigilance group.

The reason Liv now filled them in on this secretive assignment was because they would from now on be a part of it. Liv let them know it was optional though if they wanted to sign up or not, it would mean long hours as they couldn't let their "day job" rest. Keith had a few questions but none too hard for Liv to give an honest answer to. He said he was onboard. Liv knew she didn't have to ask either Fin or Nick but she still did and got a nod and a "absolutely" from them.

Fin lingered behind in her office as Nick and Keith walked out. He could figure out by himself that something had gone down last night that stirred things up regarding this assignment and SVU's involvement.

"Did she land herself in trouble again?" Fin asked cautiously, throwing a look over his shoulder to make sure no one was in the door.

He wasn't sure what to read in to the long look she gave him.

"Tucker is the reason I want us involved, I don't trust him to keep her safe," she said succinctly, her face still not giving much away.  
"What happened?" he had to ask. He spotted her hesitation, how she thought about what to tell him.  
"She'll tell you," she finally said and he knew there was more to this story.

He got worried again, knew the likeliness of Amanda telling him squat was close to zero but he could tell Liv wouldn't tell him anything more even if he pushed.

"She's still at yours?" he asked instead.  
"No, she's back home. I took her there myself so I know that for a fact," Liv said and smiled at him softly. He tried to replicate it but didn't really succeed.  
"Hey Fin," she called him back as he turned to leave.  
"Do you want to sit this one out? We got her covered. You probably deal with enough at the home front so I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to sit this one out," Liv said.  
"No… count me in as well," Fin said and walked out.

Liv watched him walk out, his shoulder slumped and hands shoved deep down his pockets. He looked tired and again she was struck with doubt she could pull this squad through this.

He'd thought about calling her but then work had demanded his attention and it kept him late at the station. Liv had said she dropped her at home but she could've gone somewhere by now. He knew how squirrely she could get. He would worry if he didn't find at her at home though. Think that maybe she'd gone to see Anton again. The thought made him sadder than anything else. He hated when she got used and abused but he would never comprehend the fact she put herself in that situation.

He just stood by her bedside for a while watching her sleep. She looked very peaceful and he couldn't see any marks on her. Not that he saw much of her though, she was drowning in a pair of his sweatpants and shirt. He'd never seen her wear those specific items before but he didn't mind. Maybe most of her clothes were in the laundry bin? He would have to check later as he knew she rather stay away from the dark laundry room.

Just watching her sleep peacefully was enough to get him in a better mood. He'd be able to keep an eye on her with Tucker. They would catch this vigilance man or men and then maybe they could try going back to normal. He wasn't sure what normal was though. For over two years he'd lived with the memory of old Amanda. The confident Amanda, the stubborn one and the cocky one. But also the passionate and compassioned Amanda he had the pleasure of getting to know as time passed and their relationship grew intimate. He would forever hate Simon for the permanent damage he'd done to his partner. The physical scars but also the mind fuck, the way he'd messed with her core.

He knew she was still most of those things though. The confidence had taken the biggest hit, that was noticeable both at work and at home, but the rest he saw from time to time. He just wished he could find a way to remove that fear that constantly influenced her. Getting rid of Anton, Okeke, Soldier, Tucker, and Simon that still had corner of her mind, wouldn't fix anything quickly but they were all obstacles. Stumbling blocks on her road to recovery. On her road to something that could remind them of normalcy.

His mind was full of questions and doubts as he made himself some dinner but nothing could smother that slight shiver of hope that had sneaked upon him. Liv was on their side. Nick and Keith might not be as clued in but they were also there now. They might not be a broad mass but these were the people he would want with him during a battle. This was his army.

She'd been in for the night so Fin figured she must've really needed sleep. He let her know in the morning that Liv had filled the others in and would be working with her on her assignment from now on. She didn't look as happy to learn this as he had hoped but then again it wasn't like she usually burst out with emotions these days. The emotional Amanda. That was another one he missed. She was closely linked to the passionate side of her but was the one that had that glimmer of tears in her eyes as a victim touched her heart, or that victim or perp that would have her butt heads with Nick in the squad room, and even Liv at times.

They rode in together and worked side by side during the day. He caught both Nick and Keith trying to, in a subtle way, let her know they had her back. He could also tell it made her uncomfortable but it was just something she had to bear through. She would have to accept they were all there for her and that they wanted to share some of her burden.

Liv had asked for a briefing meeting at IAB that afternoon so the guys could get access to everything surrounding the case. Tucker had sounded mildly entertained by this but hadn't objected to her bringing her entire squad over. When they got there Tucker had even set up a conference room, had files set up for them to read and coffee waiting in the middle of the table. Liv had made sure she was first one in and she'd kept a close eye on both Tucker and Amanda's actions. She'd noticed Amanda keeping her eyes mostly folded and she seemed submissive to Tucker, sticking to the wall before she excused herself to visit the bathroom. It bugged Liv that Amanda was the one tormented all while Tucker seemed vaguely affected. All Liv could tell was that Tucker tried to keep his eyes off Amanda and each time he did look at her his eyes always immediately travelled to Liv afterwards. The guys sat down and started to read the files Tucker had arranged for them.

"So the Pulliam shooting landed on IAB's desk," Tucker said after he'd walked up to Liv, "but I made sure it's cleared. No one will investigate her."

Tucker kept staring at her and Liv raised her eyebrows at him.

"You're not expecting me to thank you are you?" she said with a frosty tone.

Tucker looked as he clenched his jaw even harder together and his eyes were black as he steered them over towards the men reading.

"It's the least you could do for her," Liv added but then didn't say anything more as she felt it would be stupid to antagonize him even more right now.

Cassidy stepped in right then and he folded his eyes down the moment he met Liv's glare at him. He shook Fin's hand and then Keith's, who he'd never met before. He and Nick seemed in mutual agreement to just give each other a head nod as Cassidy had a seat at the table. Nick wasn't sure why but he'd just never liked this guy.

Amanda sneaked in soon thereafter and quickly slid down in to the empty chair next to Fin. Liv kept an eye on her. Every now and then she shot Tucker a glance but it never lasted more than a second or two and each time Liv caught either a slight burn over her cheeks or a look of disgust wash over her face. Fin seemed aware of her discomfort as well and it gave her some comfort that a single look from him or a soft hand on whatever body part was closest seemed to have such a calming effect on Amanda.

Her guys were efficient and had soon read through what Tucker had on Cash Miller aka Soldier. Liv had taken the chance to take a peek at what Tucker had written down in his report since Amanda came onboard. The notes were sparse. The officers assigned each night, whether or not Soldier had made contact and just one or two lines about Amanda's good performance. Liv wondered if it was notes reconstructed after she'd busted Tucker with Amanda at his apartment but she knew she would never get an honest answer out of him if she asked him.

Tucker opened up to questions on the assignment though and again Keith had some to air. It had never struck Liv before just how inquisitive he was but at least his questions and concerns were both valid and on point. Nick had to poke Tucker slightly and asked about the previously faulty backup.

That night when Miller had brought Amanda with him to beat up a rapist was only mentioned in the report as Miller bringing her to stake out a potential target for the vigilance group. Nick was smart enough to not let on he knew that it was more than that but he said that surely just one man inside and one on the outside weren't enough if Soldier decided to really put Rollins to work. Tucker replied in his own smug way that "weren't they lucky SVU was on board and had brought reinforcement". Even though it was painful both Nick and Liv let that one slide.

Tucker later grumbled as he was forced to set everyone up with devices so they could listen in. He was resolute though to be the only one that could communicate with Rollins while inside, in his experience too many cooks could make a hell of a mess. Both Nick and Keith volunteered to go inside but Tucker said no firmly. No way could one from Rollins' own squad be seen inside. Liv didn't put up a fight, she knew Tucker had a point in this particular case. She also knew Eli had plans with his friend and fellow police officer Chris to visit the bar tonight so she felt Amanda was safe as it was.

Liv caught the look Tucker gave her right after he'd handed over the wire and everything to Amanda. He was obviously keeping his guard up whenever around Amanda and it only pleased Liv, nothing wrong if he was sweating in his boots a bit as well. Once Amanda was back from another run to the bathroom to apply her wire they headed out. They'd rode over in two cars so with Tucker's as well they were far from cramped but Liv still made sure to grab Amanda and head over to Fin's car so she wouldn't be stuck with Tucker.

"My wire's on," Amanda informed them the moment she got in the back seat.

Fin and Liv shot each other a look and then Liv turned back and shot Amanda a smile as Fin took off out of the garage right after Tucker's car. Liv tried to relax but just knowing Tucker was listening in made her feel uncomfortable.

"We'll be right outside as long as you're in there," Liv finally said just to say something, and again she looked back and gave Amanda a smile. Amanda looked collected but there was something contrived about her smile and she looked away before Liv turned back around. Again Liv met Fin's eyes but no one knew what to say and they rode the rest of the way in silence.

As usual Tucker parked two blocks away and Fin parked his car right behind him. Nick and Keith drove up another block and parked in the shadows on the opposite side of the road. Tucker got on the radio and said he'd send Cassidy in first and that Rollins could head in when she felt ready to do so. Amanda watched Cassidy disappear around the corner and then let two cars pass the crossing street before she stepped out. Her plan had been to let three cars pass but traffic seemed sparse tonight and she felt too restless to stay put any longer. Liv shot her a 'stay safe' but the door was closed before she could finish.

"I think I'm going to head up to Tucker's car," Liv said once the echo of the slammed door had subsided, "I'll be able to talk to Amanda that way."

Fin nodded, he got her way of thinking.

"Just get on the radio or come up there if you need… something," she said and waited for him to give her a nod before she stepped out.

Tucker didn't seem surprised to see her there. Just as she closed the door behind her Liv heard Amanda enter the bar. There was a familiar background sound of a crowd talking, someone laughing out loud and then the sound of glass against glass as she approached the bar.

Neither Liv nor Tucker said anything for some time but just listened to Amanda order a beer and then listened to someone starting to talk her up by the bar.

"She's never without suitors," Tucker suddenly said.

They'd just heard a second guy start to chat her up but Liv still found that a weird thing for him to say after what had happened two nights ago. She got interrupted by her phone buzzing and checked the message she'd just gotten from Eli.

"Some of Eli's squad is heading here tonight, they're on their way," Liv said.

Even in the dark car she could see the glare Tucker shot her.

"He better not interfere," Tucker said under his breath.  
"They often visit this bar, and you know he's been there before," Liv countered quickly.

Fin usually never got restless during stakeouts but tonight he did. Sitting on his own, in the dark listening to his partner inside that bar and not being able to communicate with her made him feel… excluded. And he could hear she sounded contrived. Her interaction didn't ring natural to him and her laugh was subdued, nothing like the high pitched genuine laughter he was awarded, even though less often these days. He wanted to be in there, keeping his eyes on her. Watching Tucker's rear felt pointless.

Keith was getting restless in the other car as well but Nick was able to keep him calm. Keith's restlessness often displayed in excessive talking and he had millions of questions for Nick. Mostly about Amanda and her past, how her kidnapping had taken place and how she'd been able to survive in the hands of such a deadly serial killer. Nick answered some of his questions but left the touchy ones slide. He was starting to get tired of the continuous row of questions but then Tucker came to his aid. He gave them the news Miller was most likely in route to the bar and it got everyone focused again.

Inside the bar Amanda had managed to keep to a single beer, managing to talk more than she drank even though she really didn't have any interest in socializing. With her entire squad listening in she tried to keep to clean topics. Where do you work? Enjoy it? Nice squad mates? Good boss? Can you believe what a season the Yankees had?

It worked rather well until one guy stepped in to her crowd, his intense stare and the way he paid her body more interest than what came out of her mouth gave him away instantly. She wasn't surprised when his hand suddenly rested on the slant of her back, but had to give him props for how he managed to work his way closer to her rather effectively and subtly. She gave him a glare and a raised eyebrow but then he made up some lame excuse he was just stretching over towards the bar to put in a new order and asked if she wanted something.

Her beer was close to empty but she didn't want to owe him and said no thanks to his offer as she moved away from him. The same guy was working his way over to her again when she got word in her ear that Miller was on his way. She wasn't sure why the news made her palms sweat but it got almost to the point her bottle slipped out of her hand as she brought it up to her lips to finish the last of it.

"Now you have to let me buy you a new one," the guy said close to her ear as she put the bottle down on the bar. He'd sneaked in faster than she'd see coming and he took her a little by surprise, his proximity and his hands on either side of her hips made her feel crowded.

"That's still a no, I got my own tab tonight," she said and intensified the less impressed glare from earlier. She'd already pegged him for a guy that didn't take no for an answer and, again, wasn't surprised when he held up two fingers to James the bartender. She wriggled out of his grip but couldn't get away from the bar, the guy's hand now firmly planted on the bar on one side of her and a guy on a stool blocking her other flank. She refused to take the beer as he held it in front of her.

"Oh c'mon," he said with a sly smile.  
"You can't fool me, you're a girl who likes a guy that takes control."

She wasn't proud of the spark she felt in her core, how her mind immediately went to dirty places where this guy's strong hands were holding her down, forcing sounds out of her that came from both pleasure and pain.

"First off," a familiar voice came from behind her back, "she's a woman not a girl."

She felt even more flustered but for another reason as she looked straight in to Eli's dark, kind eyes. She hadn't recognized his back but now that he'd turned on his stool and came to her defense without her even asking for it.

"And women usually prefer some tact…" Eli stared the guy down.  
"That means it's time to take a hike Edgar," Eli explained as _Edgar_ apparently didn't take his hint.

Amanda was able to breathe again once Edgar had turned and walked away with his tail between his legs and a beer in each hand. The last thing she would've wanted was to land Eli in a brawl.

"Thanks," she mumbled, nervously stroking some hair behind her ear.  
"Any time," Eli said with a kind face.

She spotted his eyes moving over towards the entrance and when she turned to look over there she spotted Miller just walking in. She exchanged an almost unnoticeable nod with Eli and then pulled away from him as he turned back to his company. She pushed herself out from the bar and met Miller half way.

"Hi," she said, hoping she didn't come on to strongly but they were… something like friends by now right? Miller just cocked his head at her. _Why did he have this power over her to make her feel rejected?_

"Wanna sit with me?" he asked though and she instantly felt better. She nodded but not too eagerly.

She wasn't even sure how he made it happen but the guy that was on his usual stool just moved away as Miller approached and with a single look he cleared a seat next to him that Amanda quickly took possession of.

"Beer?" he asked as he tried to get James attention further down the bar. He caught her scrunching up her nose and gave her a look.  
"Maybe I shouldn't… I just… got stupid drunk the other day, I really should cut down," she admitted.

_Why did she open up to him like this? He'll think I'm so silly. _

"A beer," Miller said as James approached, "and a soda for the lady," he added.

She tried to hide some of the affection she felt for him as she watched him wriggle out of his jacket and hung it under the bar.

"Warm outside today," he muttered as he shot her a look. _Smalltalk? They'd come a long way_, she smiled to herself.  
"Aha," she acknowledged.

James came back quickly with the beer and then planted a glass of soda in front of her. They both gave James a thanks and was then left alone. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him have a taste of his beer and she tried to not smile as she saw the delight on his face as the liquid went down. _She remembered the same joy on her father's face as he got a taste of the first drink of the day. The same look he got when he got a good hand playing cards, a telltale she'd picked up on as a first grader and that it only took her a year or two to understand wasn't a good one for a gambler to have. You had to be better at hiding a good hand just as you had to be able to hide what really went on behind closed doors. _

"So…" Miller started and pulled her out of her thoughts.  
"We got a thing coming up tomorrow if you're interested…"  
"Tomorrow?" Amanda tried to not sound too eager.  
"Got plans already?" Miller guessed.  
"Oh, no. No plans," Amanda said and looked around to make sure no one was listening in before she continued, "I would be really interested…"  
"Good. That's good," Miller said and seemed to leave it at that.

She bit her lip to not ask anything else. She couldn't come off too excited and impatience wasn't a trait she figured he was that fond of.

"It might not be as a safe bet as last time though," Miller finally said and glanced her way.

She raised her eyebrow at him and hoped it was enough for him to keep going.

"It's… well he's a rather high profile. He might be hard to get to but we're going to give it a go. He's pulled his crew in to his… sacrilege shenanigans as well so we got two sub targets that we're hitting at the same time. Always makes it a bit trickier with multiple players but we've pulled it off before and we're determined to take this guy down now. He's gotten away with too much already, it's time someone put a stop to it and if the department will keep looking through fingers for him then I guess that someone has to be us."

Amanda gave him a nod. She tried to keep her breathing under control, this actually made her feel excited.

"So what do you need me to do?" she asked.  
"We'll go through the details tomorrow okay? We won't know the exact details of his whereabouts until tomorrow, he's tricky, we might have to improvise but don't worry, my guys are all good."  
"I'm not worried," she said under her breath.

Miller leaned in to her slightly and kept his voice low as he continued;

"The guy is a sadist. His crew as well. I don't know how you feel about hookers but they were at least at one point women, humans, someone's daughter. What he's gotten away with… Has to come to a stop."

Miller straighten up again and had some beer. Amanda swallowed hard and then tried some soda to get the lump in her throat down. Her mind had involuntary drifted to Simon. She tried to not picture this high profile target as all she saw was Simon's grinning face on someone wearing a tux. Miller glanced her way as though he felt her uneasiness and she tried to get a grip on her thoughts.

"Do you… do you need to trap him?" Amanda said, trying to control her breathing. Miller turned to look at her straight on.  
"I can… honey trap him. Them. I'm good at it."

She felt flustered and Miller's intense stare didn't help her feel less so.

"That's not what we do," Miller said firmly, "It's not what _we_ do so it's not what _you_ do."

Miller turned away and Amanda felt stupid. _Why had she even suggested that? What did he think of her now?_

"This is us taking the law in our own hands when the law isn't sufficient," Miller said straight out, "We do this to improve the society we live in and to get back some of the… some of what was taken from us."

When he turned to look at her his eyes were so intense she felt completely captivated and also weak. She could feel tears burning behind her eyes and was glad he finally let her go with those deep, dark eyes.

"You're going to feel better one day, trust me," he said and she had to blink repeatedly to fend of the tears that were now really close to escaping her eyes.  
"I'm fine," she mumbled but was happy he didn't look at her again.

She felt as those eyes of his could break her down within seconds. Miller gave her privacy though, kept drinking his beer under silence for a while. He must've kept track of her though as the moment she'd finished her soda Miller waved down James and hinted he wanted a refill of her glass.

"Thanks James," Miller said, "How's the kid?"

Amanda caught James throwing her a glance, seemed bothered with the question in her presence.

"Small steps you know," James answered a bit aversive, "but the right way at least."  
"That's good, that's good," Miller nodded. James pulled away.  
"His kid was hit by a drunk driver," Miller said once James was out of range.  
"Oh," Amanda breathed, heart strings pulling.  
"12 years old, a boy, biking home from baseball practice, hit from behind. He'll never be her same again," Miller sounded cold and concise as he told the sad story of what had happened to the bartender's son.  
"They caught the guy. Young, wealthy. He got away with a slap on the hand as it was his first offence and the boy lived. Not the first time he'd been driving drunk though, and it wouldn't be his last either."

Amanda looked over at the bartender. His son's accident explained some of the sadness she could see in his eyes. It didn't explain the hatred he seemed to have for her though.

"They got some in settlement but not nearly enough to cover the medical expenses. James was busting his ass trying to keep the bar going. His wife working days, him at nights so someone can be with the kid 24/7. He needs around the clock watch."  
"So we took care of it."

Amanda immediately turned to look at Miller.

"We knocked the driver around a bit, harassed him until he coughed up enough dough to pay off what they owed the hospital and then to hire a nurse. The wife doesn't have to work now, she can be with the kid. I think James likes to come in here though, get out of the house for a bit. I don't blame him."  
"Does he know? That you did that for him I mean," Amanda asked.

Miller just looked at her for a bit but then gave her a nod.

"You did what the legal system couldn't do," Amanda said quietly, a smile over her face, "I want to do that too. I want to do good."  
"Give it time, you'll get the chance," Miller said with a sly smile and finished the rest of his beer.

After he put his glass back down he went on to search for something in his jacket. He gave her a somewhat wrinkly note. Handed it over in a secretive way that left their hands touching and she noticed short, rough hair on top of his fingers as she looked down on his hand against hers but his hand felt soft against hers and it left her skin tingling when he abandoned it after just a few seconds.

"Be there, tomorrow at 9 pm. Wear dark clothes. Leave your phone at home, leave anything that can be traced," he said holding her eyes.  
"You'll be there?" she asked. _She felt and sounded needy_.  
"I'll come pick you up there yes," he said.

He was putting his jacket back on but she didn't want him to leave. Not yet.

"Nothing else I need to know?" she asked.  
"Don't bring your gun. Absolutely no guns," he said as he leaned in.

He came so close she could feel his breath on her. _He smelled beer, and there was a faint smell of aftershave. She wanted to place the scent but she couldn't. Manly was all she got._

"For now I'll provide you with what you need."

He stayed really near her, held her eyes with that intense stare of his and she started to feel flustered.

"I trust you. The guys said it's too soon. Please prove me right."

_She wanted to tell him he shouldn't trust her. That no one should trust her_ but she felt herself nod and the guilt was enormous as he turned his back to her. _Don't trust me. I'm going to ruin you just like I ruin everything._

She turned back to the bar, squeezed her glass so hard and hoped it would break in her hand. _That it would cut her open. Make her bleed. Make-_

"Good job," Tucker's voice in her ear, "You can get out of there when you're ready. I'll meet you at…"

He went on to give her the name of an intersection a few blocks away. She heard it but her mind had already drifted back to Miller and how she was about to ruin his entire life. _His wife and son getting slaughtered had already ruined him once and now she was about to really pull the plug on him. She was no better than the man that had murdered his family. _

In her ear Tucker was addressing Cassidy and turning her head slightly she saw him rise from the table by the window and head towards he exit. She turned back to her glass, tried breaking it with her hand again but all her attempts did was set off spasms in her hand. She almost knocked the glass over as she let go of it. _Fuck_. She put her palm against the bar and used her other hand to try and force her fingers down.

_Fucking useless cow. Hopeless, up to no good, daughter of a bastard. Desecrating perverted slut. _

She tried using her knuckles against her hand as it wouldn't settle down. It didn't help but it did hurt so it did some good. She closed her fist, thought about banging it against her unruly hand but she knew that would probably gain attention from people around her. _Maybe people were already looking at her? _She was relieved to see her closest bar mate weren't looking at her. Not looking at the weirdo at the bar with the freak hand.

Looking further down the bar though she caught Eli's eyes. He had no particular expression on his face, he was just holding her eyes and she swallowed hard. _What a freak he must think she was. He'd seen her dancing on this bar. He'd seen her in Tucker's bed. And he'd seen her in that bunker right? He'd seen what Simon had done to her. For sure he knew what a freak she'd become. But maybe he didn't know what a freak she'd always been._

She slid off her chair. Acid going up and down her throat. She hoped the fresh air was going to help her feel a little better but the humid air did nothing to help. _Where was the cold, fall breeze when she needed it? _The street was empty except from a car further up. She'd always had a good sense of direction and even though she didn't know exactly where that intersection was she still started walking the right way. She only got a couple of steps though until acid came up her throat and she grabbed brick as nothing but fluid retched up. She spat a few times when it felt as nothing more would come up.

"You okay?" came Liv's concerned voice in her ear, "You want us to come get you?"

Amanda made sure no one had come out from the bar.

"Nah I'm fine, I'll be there," she said just loud enough for them to hear through the wire.

She pushed herself off the wall and started walking again. She reached one of the streets Tucker had mentioned and looking down she spotted three cars parked together further down where the streetlight didn't fully catch them.

"You okay?" Liv said walking up to her as Amanda came closer. All of them were standing out on the street, Cassidy and Tucker as well.  
"Must've been something I ate at lunch," Amanda tried to explain it away.

Liv shared a glance with Fin. She didn't have lunch with them so she couldn't account for the validity in her answer but hoped Fin could. His face gave her nothing though.

"So we were just saying that maybe we'll be able to bust them all tomorrow," Liv said to clue her in to what they'd been talking about while waiting for her to get there.

"We need to identify as many of them as possible though," Tucker quickly added.  
"Yes but if we can bust Miller and someone in the act we will be satisfied with that," Liv said fixing her eyes in Tucker in a way that told Amanda they had exchanged, probably heated, words about this before she got there. Tucker looked grim but didn't say anything else about that, instead he started talking about how they would set up things for tomorrow.

Amanda went to lean against one of the cars next to Fin. She hoped no one would see through the real reason she did that, that her legs were shaky and she folded her arms in front of her to also disguise that her hand was still acting up.

"Everyone will be on deck, I'll get another two heads pulled in to make sure we can have you covered," Tucker said, "We're going to set you up with another wire tomorrow, in case you're frisked or something. We need to find a way to trace you as well now that you can't have your phone on you but don't worry, I will figure it out."

Again Tucker looked at Liv in a way that told her that they had talked about this as well earlier.

"Do you have the address?" Tucker said and stepped up to Amanda.

Liv stepped up by his side and Tucker got obviously annoyed that she wouldn't even let him get close to Amanda without a watchful eye on him. She dug the note up and reluctantly handed it to him. She wanted to keep the piece of paper that Miller had written for her. It was hers. Tucker stepped away again, taking the note with him, and started talking again. He told them all when to meet and that he would set them up with a fleet of surveillance cars and maybe a van with equipment so they could tap in to surveillance cameras and stuff if possible.

Tucker asked if anyone had any questions but when no one said anything he wished them all a good night and then they jumped in to the cars they had first ridden over in. Fin and Liv waved good night to Nick and Keith and Liv told them to have a lie in tomorrow morning as they were probably in for a long night.

Once back in the car Fin said he would give Liv a ride home and she didn't object. Liv could tell Amanda was getting her wire off and waited until she was done before she turned around to face her. It was hard to get a visual on her as most of her was concealed in shadows.

"You sure you're okay?" she asked. She could barely see the nod Amanda gave her.  
"You wanna catch dinner before we head home?" Liv said and directed it at both Fin and Amanda.

She would've wished Fin looked more delighted but he just made a feeble attempt to catch Amanda's eyes in the back mirror.

"You haven't had anything since lunch right," Liv added.  
"I rather eat at home if that's okay," Amanda mumbled in the back.  
"Yeah sure," Liv said but couldn't hide her disappointment from her tone.

Liv tried to catch Fin's eyes but he kept looking straight ahead, and kept silent.

"So you feel okay about tomorrow?" Liv tried to get Amanda talking instead but all she got was another nod as she glanced back again.  
"Nice it might be over right?" she tried but got no response this time.

Liv sat back for a bit but she just had to make sure and turned back around again;

"You sure you're okay?"  
"Yeah, just… thinking."  
"About what?" Liv tried.  
"…nothing."  
"You're not worried about tomorrow are you?"  
"No."  
"Cause we will have your back. If Tucker doesn't have enough coverage for you I'm not going to allow him to send you out there. There's no way you're going there without sufficient backup."  
"I'm not worried," Amanda answered silently.  
"Okay good cause there's no need to."

She wanted to say more, to make sure Amanda was okay but she wasn't sure how or what to say without seeming overbearing. Just yesterday she had such a nice bonding moment with Amanda and she didn't want to risk spoiling it already.

Fin didn't ask her to come up front once they had let Liv out. He knew she would've moved up if she felt like it. It didn't take long after they'd taken off again before Amanda took her seatbelt off and lied down in the back.

"I'm just tired," she let him know.  
"That's cool," he said and did his best to not sound worried.  
"I'm gonna stop at our local dump okay? Run in to grab some food for us," he let her know even though they had quite a way to drive yet.

He thought he heard a 'okay' mumbled from the back but he wasn't sure. He knew it was pointless to ask her what she was in the mood for so after he'd parked outside the restaurant he just let her know he'd be right back. He closed the door carefully in case she'd fallen asleep but then hurried inside so he could get back out as soon as possible. She hadn't moved when he got back out but he caught her stirring as he started the car back up.

She looked a little drowsy as they got out of the car but she volunteered to carry the bag of food. Of course he wanted to carry it though and told her she could hold the doors for him instead. It was meant as a bit of a joke but she didn't smile and he felt a little foolish for trying such a lame joke right now.

Once upstairs he half expected her to try and wriggle her way out of eating but to his surprise she came wandering back after a quick visit to the bathroom.

"Couch or counter?" he asked. He'd placed some stuff on the counter but waited to prep things until she came back, wanting her to weigh in on where they ate.

"You wanna watch TV?" she countered.  
"I don't think anything is on tonight, we can just watch later…" he said wanting her to make the decision.  
"Counter then?" she suggested but he took it as a definite and started to get some food on their plates. She went to grab them drinks and then had a seat. He pushed one of the plates over to her and handed her a fork.

"Thanks," she said while taking a deep breath, eyes down on the monstrous pile of food on her plate. He poured some sauce over his plate and then pushed the cantina over to her so she could dispense her own. She seemed to reject the sauce though, already getting some noodles rolled up around her fork.

"I don't want to nag," he started, "but you're sure you're not worried about tomorrow night?"

She kept her head down, just kept rolling the noodles around her fork. He got some food in his mouth to not keep talking but give her time to answer in her own time.

"If you had the chance… if S-Simon was placed in front of you and you could do whatever you wanted to him without any repercussions, what would you do?"  
"I would kill him," Fin said without a doubt and without swallowing what food he still had in his mouth.

Amanda looked at him. Her eyes wider than normal.

"Not quickly though. I would beat him, break some bones, I would torture him with whatever I could get my hands on and I would enjoy every minute of it. And when I felt that he'd really suffered then I would make sure he was dead."

"So how is that any different from what Soldier is doing?"

Fin took a second even though he already knew what he wanted to answer her, he just wanted to make sure he put it out there properly.

"It's different cause I love you. You mean something to me. It's normal for me to want to avenge any wrongdoing done to you. To hurt someone that hurt you. Even to want to kill that person."

She watched him closely.

"His wife and son died…"  
"And had he killed the man who'd done that _I_ would not blame him. It wouldn't be right to kill him, just like it wouldn't be right for me to kill Simon, but it would be understandable and some people would find it justified."

"Not the law…"  
"Not the law," Fin agreed as he shook his head.

She folded her eyes down like she was thinking about what he'd just said.

"Are you thinking that what Miller is doing is justified?" he asked.

She looked back up at him, her face even paler now. She still hadn't gotten any noodles up to her mouth. He hadn't taken any more bites either.

"I'm not sure," she answered truthfully. _She wasn't sure. The only thing she was sure of was that she did want Fin to kill Simon if he got the chance. She wasn't sure she could do it herself but she would really want to see him dead. _

"You know that I'm all for an eye for an eye but I can't… implement that on the job. That wouldn't be right. And I honestly don't think I could handle to kill everyone who deserved to die."  
"Maybe just a slight beating…" she said with a raised eyebrow.

He could tell she was partly joking so he smiled at her. But they were on an important subject so he didn't want to brush it over completely.

"I get the drift. God knows I had enough rage in me after what you went through to beat up anyone who even looked at me the wrong way but you just can't go around and do that. We could argue that they are cops and Miller does seem as he does his research but it landed a perp dead, _and_ an officer killing himself. And how do we know a beating puts a stop to their violent ways, what if it only adds to their spree and they up their game? What if Miller is creating even bigger monsters?"

That seemed to sink in and she lowered her head again. He watched her run her fork through her noodles for a while but then he started eating again hoping that would make her follow his lead. It took her a while but then she finally brought some up to her mouth. He tried to not stare at her too much but he couldn't help himself from looking at her every now and then. He hated to see how her jaw seemed to clinch every time she got a piece of meat in her mouth, a hint of disgust all over her face. He would help her chew if only he could.

She didn't finish her plate, complained she was tired. When he asked if she wanted to hit the sack she shook her head though so he suggested they moved to the couch. They found an action movie they both liked and didn't mind to watch again. When she didn't immediately turned down the offer he'd make popcorn he hurried off the couch to go make some. He placed the bowl closer to her on the couch and was pleased to see her hand immediately reach for some. He knew it was just popcorn but it was something.

She seemed to get succumbed in to the movie rather quickly but he had a little trouble enjoying it as the void between them on the couch was so obvious. When she stretched out slightly on the couch her foot was in reach. He hated how he got stuck in his head for some time, doubting if he was allowed to touch her, if he even should touch her. He'd never been the guy who thought too much. _Why now?_ He wanted to touch her and just a month or so ago he wouldn't have hesitated.

He grabbed the bowl of popcorn before he moved over to his usual spot in the middle of the couch, placed it right in front of her before he grabbed her foot and placed it in his lap. She didn't seem to mind, didn't react much at all but just kept staring at the screen with drowsy eyes. He started to massage her foot through the sock and it didn't take long until her other foot sneaked up to get the same treatment.

He removed her socks to get better access and rolled up her pant legs slightly. He brushed by the slight scars around her ankles and tried to ignore the slight chill any memory of her ordeal in that bunker always gave him. He took a closer look on one of her feet, the one that had the most damage after the burns. Or as the doctor liked to point out back then, because of the fact she wouldn't stay off her feet as the burns healed. At times the damage flared up and needed ointment but it looked good now. He reached for the regular lotion in the basket underneath their living room table and he got some on his hands before he started a more deep tissue massage on her feet.

She had scooted down further on the couch, her head resting flat and it didn't take long until she was sound asleep. He kept working her feet as he enjoyed it and put some lotion around her ankles as well while he was at it. When the movie was over he turned the TV off but then was left just sitting there for a while. She was snoozing peacefully with her hands tucked in underneath her cheek.

_This operation would end. Hopefully tomorrow night already and then they would get her a good shrink or work out whatever was going out with Olivet. Things would be fine. He had a little trouble encouraging himself enough to fully believe it but it could work. They could be fine. Just a few things they had to sort out and then they could be on the right track again. _

He got out from underneath her as gracious as possible and carefully put her feet down on the couch. He took the throw off the couch and placed it over her, made sure her feet were tucked properly so she wouldn't be cold during the night. He put the bowl of popcorn on the table, pulled the throw up slightly and then carefully stroke her cheek before he walked off. _Things could be fine_.

**When he woke up the next** morning he found the apartment empty but was rather quickly calmed down by a note she'd left behind. She'd just gone for a run. In the back of his mind he wondered how long she'd been gone and if she really was on a run but he tried to push those thoughts away as he prepped some breakfast. He was on the couch eating when she finally returned home.

She looked like she'd been on a run, a rather long run, and he felt a little good about getting that confirmed even if he knew she was sneaky enough to be able to pull one over on him if she wanted to. They still had well before an hour until they had to be at work so he told her to get a shower as he fixed her some eggs and a toast.

Like some divine intervention no new cases had come in overnight, instead they got two good leads on two open cases and within just a few hours they had solved both. Keith was a little overly excited for tonight's operation and Nick had to tell him twice to hush down as he was about to talk about what they were up to a little too openly at the station house. Nick had to remind him this was an IAB investigation and Keith said he got it but still looked as pumped as before.

**They all squeezed in to one** car as they rode over to the IAB office that night. Liv had gotten them dinner at the station which they'd eaten in the interview room. Not the most glamorous setting but Liv had quite enjoyed it, the squad in a rather good and relaxed mood. Even Amanda seemed somewhat relaxed. Both Liv and Fin had tried to not make it too obvious they made sure she got some food in her.

They arrived well over an hour before they had to leave for the pick-up site but Tucker was stressed and immediately pulled Amanda with him down the corridor.

"Hey," Liv called out and caught up with them, "I'm staying with my detective."

Tucker looked even less thrilled than once he'd greeted them but he didn't object to her coming along. Tucker had enrolled a tech guy and including Cassidy had three men on deck for tonight. The tech guy supplied Amanda with some of the latest surveillance that should pass in whatever examination they put her through. She would have the ear piece again as usual and they equipped her with two separate wires so they could listen in. The tech guy had a belt for her with a tracker installed in the buckle. He told her it could give off signals but if questioned she could always blame the metal.

With everything planted on her it was time for Tucker to have a briefing with everyone. He was still stressed and rushed through most of the plans and the many questions he got only got him in a fouler mood. It got to the point Liv was about to say he better calm the f down or they would cancel the whole thing. It was Amanda's hand on her arm that stopped her though. Just a soft hand and a look as Liv turned to her. Liv figured she must've picked up on her ambivalence and hoped the hint meant it was okay, that she was ready to do this even if Tucker was being a dick.

They really had no idea what the vigilance group would get up to tonight, or how many they were. Tucker was sure they could take them all down with eight men backing up Amanda. Liv could only hope he was right.

They had three cars and a van to their disposal. The van would stay a couple of blocks away at all times while the cars would rotate around Amanda's position. Every car had her position locked down on a tracker. Tucker and Cassidy took one car, his two IAB officers the second and Nick and Keith the third car. Liv and Fin got placed in the van but only after Fin had made sure the van would pull up to Amanda's position as they were about to strike, he wanted to make sure he would be up there to help keep his partner's back safe.

Amanda rode with the van most of the way and then walked the last bit. Liv and Fin said some encouraging words before she jumped out. Liv worried over the fact she seemed so calm but Fin said she was just focused, that she would be okay, and Liv had to trust him.

She got there ten minutes before said time. It was a quiet street, she'd passed a convenient store further up but down where she was at it was just residences and she lingered in a dark gate to not look odd standing alone out on the curb. She'd dressed in all black, good boots, wore a hoodie under her jacket but still felt cold. She'd put her hair up in a ponytail and wore a black beanie but she had to put her hood up now to keep the cold from creeping in on her too much.

Tucker had already been in her ear and he'd made sure her wires were working. They could hear her loud and clear. She hoped they couldn't hear her heart pounding though. Even though she might look calm it was far from what she felt on the inside. She wasn't so much nervous but more concerned over having to take Miller down. His family was killed, much like her own, and she just hated the thought of him in jail surrounded by crocks.

She'd left both her phone and watch at home so she was completely clueless to what time it was. Finally she had to ask and Tucker came back immediately letting her know it was four minutes past nine. She knew it was too soon to start worrying if he would show or not but it nagged in the back of her head as the minutes ticked away.

A few cars had driven by her but it got obvious when the car she was waiting for arrived. The car flickered its lights just once as it drove up to the curb and she stepped out of the gate. She could see Miller's now familiar face as he leaned over the empty passenger side slightly. He waved her inside. The back windows had been tinted so it wasn't until she got in she realized there were two people in the back. They were hidden in the dark though so she couldn't see much more than their outline.

"Sorry for being late," Miller muttered.  
"No problem," Amanda mumbled.  
"Someone was late…"

She heard a snarl from the back. It felt weird being in a car with people she didn't know and Miller didn't look as though he would introduce her either. He took off rather fast, seemed a bit rushed and she worried the others wouldn't be able to keep up. But she had the tracker on her so she tried to just sit quiet.

"I forgot to ask you, you need a call name," Miller suddenly said as he'd blown through an intersection just as the lights turned.  
"We don't use our own names," he explained.  
"I'm Soldier," he said and placed a hand on his chest, "You got Blondie and Moody in the back."  
"Hi," one of the guys said and popped his head between their seats. He didn't look more than 30, blue eyes and his smile made deep dimples form on each side of his mouth.

"Blondie," he said and cocked his head at her. He wore a beanie pulled down over his ears so she couldn't really say if he was blonde or not.  
"Hi," she whispered at him and smiled back.  
"So Blondie's taken," Miller said.

She got a little confused at first but realized he was talking about the name being taken already, not the man himself.

"So what do we call you?" Blondie asked her.

In the surveillance van both Fin and Liv clinched their teeth. They both hissed slightly as they heard her say "Shay" and Fin anxiously rubbed his face.

Amanda caught Miller looking at her in the dark car. His eyes narrowed slightly and he held her eyes so long she started worrying he would plow in to someone as they were driving rather fast and right now no one was watching the street.

"Shay…" Miller mumbled as he finally turned his eyes forward, "Okay I guess that will work."

Amanda sat back as well watching the street ahead of them. She did her best to avoid the side mirror, didn't want to come across as nervous and be caught accidentally watching for her surveillance. She could feel drops of sweat run down her back and she just knew her armpits were soaked as well.

There was a spark, followed by an electronic sounding voice that startled her but she felt good about not jumping. Miller reached down in the dark compartment and came back up with what looked like a handheld police radio.

"Repeat," he said in to the speaker.  
"Target arrived. Got eyes inside," the static voice came back.  
"Copy that," Miller said, looked as though he was about to put the radio down but then changed his mind and added; "ETA in ten."

She just sat quiet, hoped her wire had picked up everything. She tried to pay attention to where they were driving but it already started to get crowded in her head and she couldn't make herself calm down so she really hoped Tucker and the rest kept track of her. She figured the most important thing was remembering Blondie's features, she would probably be forced to identify him at some point.

The silence in the car was getting to her. _Did Blondie and Moody knew as little as her or were they clued in? Who was their target? What did Miller expect her to do?_ She tried to push all the questions away. Tucker's voice in her ear helped her out. He let her know they had her tracked. Things were going according to plans. _So far_.

She had to grab on to her door as Miller made a sharp right turn in to an alley. She heard the back doors open before he'd even come to a full stop but she waited until Miller grab for his door before she stepped out. She'd already spotted two dark figures by one of the walls. Blondie or maybe it was Moody, their height and body form were the same, had opened up the trunk.

"We got the room number, he has two details on the floor though," one of the newcomers told Miller.

Miller nodded while he waved Amanda forward.

"This is Shay, she's the one I've told you about. She'll take my flank, the rest of you pair up as you like. Bird and Jar upstairs?"  
"Yeah," one of the newcomers answered all while fixing his eyes at her.

He was older, heavy set with a hefty waist line. She couldn't make out what eye color he had and found no distinguished traces or marks on his face. 5' 11", Caucasian, old and not fond of her was all she took with her regarding that man. The other newcomer was about her age she guessed. She could tell he had a shaved head as he pulled back his hood to scratch himself. He looked fitter than the previous guy, clean shaved face and she was rather certain he had blue eyes. He was much taller as well, she estimated 6' 3" or maybe even 4".

With Blondie on his feet she estimated him as tall as the older guy, he was definitely shorter than Miller. Getting a look at Moody's face in the light of the trunk she understood how he got his name, the corner of his mouth looked rooted almost at the bottom of his jaw.

She found it difficult to take everything in, every little detail of each's faces, and she missed Miller calling her name.

"Shay," he had to say again before she reacted.  
"You got no phone or anything on you do you?" he asked. She shook her head.  
"If so you should leave them in the car now," he said but she shook her head again to let him know she had none of that.  
"You need gloves?" he asked. She shook her head and got hers out from her pocket.

She spotted him looking down her legs and she, as it was very dark in there, raised her boot so he could see and it seemed to be what he'd been looking for as he gave her an accepting nod.

"Maybe brass knuckles?" he suggested and she nodded as he held up one that he'd grabbed from his trunk. He handed it to her and she nervously pulled it over her fingers after she'd put her gloves on. She pulled down her sleeve to hide the metal as she was done. She jumped slightly as the trunk was slammed shut.

"Put this on but only pull it up over your face once we're upstairs or I tell you to," Miller said and handed her a piece of black fabric. Once she unfolded it a bit it looked as one of those headbands she used when it got colder. She pushed her hood back and pulled the headband over her beanie. She let it rest around her neck as she pulled her hood back up. Miller handed his keys to the tall guy and he got behind the wheel.

"We're just going to hang here for a bit," Miller whispered to her as the car drove out of the alley.

The rest of the men seemed to deliberately pull away from her and it left her alone with Miller for a bit.

"Three subjects inside. They have two girls with them. They only get hurt if they get in the way but they will most likely run and we will let them if they do," Miller let her know.

"Three men?" she asked just to ask something and Miller nodded.

"Bird and Jarhead will move in first, take the guards out, they have serious hand to hand combat training. We're waiting here until that's taken care of. We won't go inside if we can't get rid of the guards first. We can't afford to take too many risks."

Miller put his back to the wall.

"Will the subjects not be armed?" she asked.  
"Highly unlikely, I could've fixed a vest for you…" Miller seemed honestly gutted he hadn't thought of that before.  
"No, I'm fine," she hurried to answer.  
"How many of us are there?"  
"It's the five of us and the two upstairs. Dragon pulled the short straw… he's keeping our flanks clear."

She wanted to ask if that was the entire group, if the men present were the full extent of the group, but she didn't dare to be too nosey right now.

"What do you expect me to do?" she asked instead. She figured that had to be a legitimate question right now. Miller fixed his eyes at her.  
"We're usually two on one target so we're one too many tonight. Just don't get in the way. Follow me but if you see a need to jump in somewhere else do that. One very important thing… we don't leave anyone behind," he held her eyes for an intense moment, "It's very important we all get out of there or we're all screwed, okay?"

She nodded clearly.

"I've gone to bat for you so please don't let me down," Miller ended with at she leaned back against the wall next to him. She swallowed hard, the guilt eating away at her quickly.

"I won't," she mumbled. _She hated lying to him_.  
"It's a go," someone from the other group suddenly said.

Miller let the other guys move in before him through the side door they'd all been waiting around by. He made sure Amanda was right behind him before he stepped in himself. The lights were dim in there but she had Miller's strong back as a target to follow. She squeezed her fist around the metal in her right hand. She knew it was dangerous to feel secure just because she had it and also that she would have to be careful what part of the body she hit if she ever got a chance to actually do some hitting. She was hoping to not have to do much of that.

They moved fast but cautiously, the line stopping just briefly from time to time for some reason she never got aware off and she just focused on not stepping on Miller each time it happened. Suddenly they split in to two groups, she ended up with Miller following one back she had no idea who it belonged to. Two other backs disappeared behind a door. Even though Miller was the only one she trusted out of the bunch the decline of numbers to their group made her nervous. Three wasn't even a group.

"Just walk casually," Miller suddenly said to her over his shoulder.

They made a stop right outside a pair of saloon doors with badly cleaned windows and she heard low voices from the other side. When they disappeared the man in front moved through the doors and they made their way swiftly through what looked like a crummy restaurant kitchen. Grease hanged in the air but it wasn't the smell that made her most relieved to get out of there. They got in to a small elevator that was just large enough for the three of them. She noticed they had the old guy with them, she wasn't sure why she hadn't been able to make him from his wider frame. He kept watching the counter above the doors and she noticed the button to the top floor, the eleventh floor, was lit. She had her back to the doors and just hoped for dear life the doors wouldn't open before they got to their floor. Miller seemed calm though. He was right in front of her, their clothes were touching and she could hear his breath through his slightly open mouth.

"Pull it up," Miller suddenly said and their elbows bumped in to each other as both started to pull the fabric up over their mouth and nose. Once she was done he rearranged hers slightly and she saw a smile in his eyes just as the elevator stopped. _She was sure that the wires could pick up her heart beating right now. _

The old guy popped his head out and then signaled to them that the coast was clear. They were at the end of a corridor and she knew they were at a fancier hotel which surprised her a little from what she'd seen downstairs. She worried someone would come out of one of the doors they passed. Across from them she spotted four figures all dressed in black and with hoods covering most of their faces. She saw fingers in the air, some kind of silent language were talked among Miller and a guy on the other side from them.

The corridor was quiet. Deep dark red carpet with gold tapestry and soft light from crystal chandeliers along the walls. She suddenly got aware of the soft classical tone playing in the background. Waiting room music. That tune that got played in your ear as you were put on hold on the phone. She usually hated it but right now it crept her out.

One of the guys from the other side got up to the door and used something that wasn't a key card to get it open. He shot Miller a look and once Miller gave him a nod he went inside. She was the last one inside and she shut the door behind her. She'd never been in such a lavish hotel room before. Even though she was the last one inside the first one was still just tracing the wall in the first room once she got there. She saw clothes spread around, mostly men's clothes. There was an open champagne bottle on a table and she saw a mirror tray with white powder and a gold card on top of it.

They were all headed to a room further in, a set of sliding doors that was half way closed. There was music coming from within, rather loud music but it didn't drown out a laughter and someone moaning loudly. They heard a voice and then a man wearing nothing but a silk robe that wasn't tied came out pulling one of the doors to the side. His eyes got huge as he spotted the trespassers but it was the only reaction he had time to do before he caught a fist to his gut that would've folded him over if the man that gave it to him didn't grab a hold of his throat and pushed him inside the room he just came out of.

Amanda got a clear view of the master bedroom when the doors got pulled to each side as her group rushed inside. Two women were naked on the bed with two just as naked men straddling them. It looked kinky but she wasn't sure what it was except for the fact they were all naked.

She heard men yell 'shut up' and 'everyone stay calm' but it was all somewhere in the distance and she felt unable to move. Once her bubble burst though the voices got clearer and she heard at least one woman shriek until someone had placed a hand over her mouth. When she reached the bedroom and saw that the women weren't moving off the bed she realized it was because they were tied up. Both hands and feet were strapped to the bed. The trespassers had shoved the men off them though. One of the naked men was weeping like a baby on the floor as he crawled backwards. It was hard for her not to watch his slack member dangle between his legs as he went. The other man was shouting at them to get out and looking at him she thought he looked familiar but she couldn't place him.

"You shut up," one masked man yelled and threw a punch at the guy's jaw. One of the girls started screaming again but quickly got her mouth covered once again.

"You fucking perverts," someone yelled and the naked men, the third guy gotten his robe ripped off him, got dragged out in to the other room. Amanda just watched them get dragged past her. She threw the girls a look at the bed and was determined to release them. Miller grabbed a hold of her arm though.

"Leave them," he hissed.

She threw them another quick look. She saw the fright in their eyes.

"Please let me just cover them up then," she begged.

His eyes stayed as determined but he let her go and she took that as him allowing her to go through with it. She grabbed the man's robe from the floor as she approached the bed. Someone had pushed what could be underwear in to the girl's mouths so they were prevented to scream too loudly but they looked terrified as Amanda approached them. She wished she could remove their gags but she just couldn't take the risk of them screaming again.

"No one's going to hurt you," she told them though, holding her hands up. She realized the brass knuckle around her hand didn't do much to comfort them but it seemed her words had been enough to at least get them to stop trying to scream through their gags. Amanda spread the robe out over the girl closest to her and then stepped over her to be able to get some of the bed sheet over the other one.

"Just stay here, you'll be safe," Amanda told them and then jumped down off the bed, doing her best to not step on any limbs.

Out in the other room the beating and threats had started. Miller was up in the face of the guy she thought looked familiar. He was yelling his dad wouldn't be able to buy him out of this. And something about how his wife shouldn't have to put up with such a swine like him. The man got several fists in his gut all while a guy was holding his arms back so he couldn't defend himself. Two guys, this time she recognized the old guy's heavy frame, were pounding on the other man from the bed. The third man, the one that had previously worn a robe, got a kick right in his nuts and cried out in pain.

Amanda noticed Miller looking her way and he waved her over, gestured for her to keep working the man as Miller moved over to the next guy. She saw Miller get in the other guy's face, starting to yell things in his face. Amanda met the eyes of the man holding on to their main target, he looked eager for her to keep going. She took a quick breath and then aimed a kick between the guy's legs much like she'd seen the other men do. She didn't put much strength behind the kick but it was still enough to make the man huff with pain.

"Again," the guy holding on to him told her and she aimed another kick at the exact same spot as earlier.

The man on the floor tried to clip her legs even though he was huffing with pain and the guy holding on to him got pissed and jumped him, both his fists starting to rain down across his face. Amanda stepped back feeling out of breath.

"Let this be a reminder you can't get away with shit for all eternity," Miller screamed in one of the guys ear, "You can't rape women and get away with it."

Miller had said she should flank him and the moment he stepped away from the guy on the ground she was there to kick him in the gut, putting some more power behind this one. She caught Miller's eyes briefly before he headed to the third guy. She listened to him threaten the guy. Miller mentioned someone named Rose, told the guy on the ground to remember her now and then let his knuckles crush down at his crotch.

Miller stepped away from the guy and walked up to Amanda. They both watched for a while as the five men clobbered the three naked men.

"Here," Miller finally said and removed the cap of a black marker before he handed it to her.  
"Mark them," he said and his eyes got some glee in them.

"Jar," Miller said and made the hooded man sitting on top of the man closest to them stand up so she could get access to him. The man was bleeding from his nose and his eyes looked groggy. She felt no pity for him though as she straddled him. The man tried to grab for her but Miller was there and placed the man's hand underneath his boot while another guy held the guys other hand. With big bold letters she wrote rapist on his forehead. She heard Miller chuckle. She did the same with the other guy but once she got to the familiar looking guy she felt a need to go even further. She gave his face a makeover with the black marker. Pretty eye shadow, cheeks needed rouge and his lips could do with an outliner that exaggerated his already curved lips. She finished it off with writing rapist on his forehead but she wasn't done with that.

She scooted down on him and then started with the big bold letters again, this time filling his chest with scribble. When she was done she got up on her feet and admired her handiwork. She felt like spitting on him as well but she knew that would mean she left DNA so she settled with crushing her toe down over his crotch. The man had been more or less passed out during her makeover but this he seemed to feel and started crying.

Someone next to her removed his glove and then snapped a picture of the weeping man. She removed her foot so he could get a picture of all of him in this disgraceful state.

"Next time I'll get you a tattoo machine," Miller said as he leaned in to her. Now she chuckled.  
"Okay let's get out of here, don't leave anything behind," Miller said and the men started to move out. Amanda threw one last look at the man and her art work. The letters across his chest spelled out "**I AM A SADISTIC PIG, A PERVERT AND A RAPIST**".

It wasn't until she got back outside in the hallway that she got pulled back to reality. She hadn't heard from Tucker this entire time. She half expected them to be out there waiting for them but she saw no one. Miller made sure she caught up to them as they rushed down a different path than they had arrived on.

"Shit," she heard one of the guys yell up ahead. He'd stepped in to the stairway and realized one of the guards that they'd tied up in there was missing. She could feel the stress level increase by a 150 as they all started the decline down the stairs. The guard she stepped over was still passed out and zip tied to the railing. Miller let her pass him, he seemed to want to take the rear to be able to keep an eye on her.

"Go, go, go," she heard from down below.

They heard a door open somewhere far below and she followed her group out of the staircase. They ran down a corridor that looked less fancier than the one they'd been on previously. A man and woman were either walking to or from their room and scared out of their mind huddled down by one of the walls. The man used himself to shield his woman and Amanda had time to think that was a very romantic gesture as she ran by them.

The first guy seemed to take a wrong turn down the corridor and they all bumped in to each other slightly as he realized his mistake. Miller grabbed a hold of her from behind and managed to keep her on her feet. They took off down the other corridor and in through another door that took them to another staircase. She had the old, heavy man in front of her now and he slowed them down slightly. Miller was trying to get him to move faster but got silent as they heard ruckus down below.

She soon got to see what had caused the commotion as they passed a hotel security guy lying bleeding at the bottom of the next flight of stairs. He was still conscious and grabbed for both the old guy and for Amanda when she tried to step over him. Miller aimed a sharp heel at his head though and Amanda got shivers down her spine as she heard the crack. She hoped for dear life Miller hadn't killed the guy.

Once they finally got out of the staircase they were down in those crummy parts of the hotel again. It smelled of sewer and several lights were out down there, some flickered and added to her already high creep factor.

"Go, go, go."

She wished Tucker would talk to her. Tell her what to do. _Where they nearby? Was the police there already? The real police and just not her squad and IAB? What if someone would start to fire at them?_

She had a feeling things had gone wrong but having Miller right behind her made her not stress out too much. They passed a big puddle of reeking gunk and she was just grateful the old guy stepped in it and his swearing gave her warning to dodge it. They walked too far this time and she thought they must've passed in to another building by now, maybe even two buildings. She wondered if Tucker still had track of her. She was in need of a proper breath but the stench made her pull up the headband again. She felt like laughing as she heard someone up ahead complain about the stench she'd just felt. _Wise up Amanda_, she told herself but the nervous laughter was still bubbling inside of her.

The fresh air as they got out in to another alley was much appreciated and she pulled down the headband to have a few deep breaths. She wasn't alone, everyone seemed in need of air for one reason or another. Some were huffing while others seemed happy to be out of there because of the smell.

"We have to keep moving," someone said as they got aware that more than one siren was in the neighborhood. The guys all seemed to turn to one of them, she was clueless to who it was though and didn't have time to step closer as they all took off further in to the alley. They all came to an abrupt halt and pressed themselves up against a wall as a cop car wailed by outside the alley.

"We need somewhere to hide out," someone hissed.  
"Can't we just dissolve?" someone suggested.  
"Too risky, no one can get caught remember," someone answered.

Someone had tried a door in the opposite building and it didn't take long until Amanda felt herself get pushed down another murky tunnel. This one didn't stink as much thankfully. The old guy was behind her now, behind Miller as well, so she could keep up with the guy in front of her. Again they just walked on in what felt like forever. She could hear people up ahead try different doors but they all seemed closed so all they could do was continue forward. They had almost reached the door at the other end when someone found a door they passed that was actually open.

"Yes, just go," Miller said from behind her as they seemed to look back for him to tell them what to do. They all hurried inside and Amanda did her best to stay on her feet as she'd missed that there were two steps down to get to the floor. The guy in front of her whose back she'd grabbed on to turned and helped keep her upright.

"Sorry, thanks," she mumbled.

She didn't have time to catch his face before he'd moved away and she'd lost track of him in the dark room. Thankfully someone found a light and a single light bulb in the middle of the room let them see a room that didn't look half bad. It looked like a room that perhaps a group of teens hung in. There were nice graffiti drawings covering most of the walls, a couch, some chairs and an old stereo on a shelf close to the furniture. Someone picked up a spray can that was tossed to the side and shook it.

"Stop that," Miller hissed as he tossed the can back down to the floor and it made some ruckus.  
"No one will hear us behind that heavy door," the guy complained but Miller hissed at him again.

Amanda looked around the room. Most of them looked out of breath. Three of them had already taken a seat, all starting to pull off hoods and masks. Blondie had been the one that picked up the can and annoyed Miller. When he pulled his hood back she could establish that he in fact had a head of blonde hair on top. He shot her a mischievous smile as he caught her looking at her.

"Intense right," he whispered as he passed her on the way to find a place to sit down at as well. She got a better look at Moody and tried to take everything in. She wondered which one of them was Bird and which one was Jar. She didn't know who the old man was either, he was over talking to Miller.

"So what's the plan, we can't sit here all night," one of the guys from the couch asked. His auburn hair was neatly trimmed and he had these intense blue eyes. She thought she would've pegged him for a cop even if she hadn't already known.

"Give me the phone," Miller said and stepped up to him. He fished out the same phone she'd seen take pictures earlier and handed it to him.

"Fuck there's no connection," Miller mumbled and it immediately made Amanda nervous she was cut off from her surveillance team as well. Part of her couldn't help but feel a bit of relief as well, maybe it would mean Soldier could get away? She moved further away, tried to look she was studying one of the murals. She shot a look over her shoulder to make sure no one was looking. All but one had their eyes at Miller or adverted down at the floor. One of them was looking her way though but she figured he wouldn't be able to hear her from over there. She whispered down towards where she knew a wire was hidden; "Can you hear me?"

She heard static in her ear and she figured it was maybe Tucker trying to talk to her. She took that as them at least being able to hear her so she moved back over to the group hoping the reception was better over there as it was closer to the street.

"I'm going to head outside, try and get hold of Dragon," Miller said, "You all stay put."  
"We… hear… you," came in her ear. It was obviously a bad connection but she felt a bit better knowing they at least could hear her.

Miller closed the door behind him. She looked around the room again and caught the same guy as earlier watching her. He'd looked ?sammanbiten? earlier but now his face broke in to a slight smile.

"I'm Jarhead," he said and gestured to himself.  
"Hi, Shay," she said.

It set off a round of introductions. The old man was Grey which fitted the color of his reclining hairline. Moody refused to tell her his name but she already knew it and she couldn't be bothered to get offended right now. Bird was the man that looked like a cop from miles away. She tried to take everything in. _Jarhead, Grey, Moody, Blondie and Bird._ She looked from one another and tried to take in one new thing on each round. Moody glaring back at her made her stop though and she moved over to the shelf with the stereo. She turned the volume down first just to make sure she didn't accidentally turn it on while fingering the other buttons.

"This is crap, we shouldn't be sitting ducks," Bird said and got up on his feet. Bird mentioning ducks almost made her laugh but she was able to keep it down as Grey told Bird to sit back down.

"Soldier told us to stay put so we're sitting put," Grey declared.  
"Maybe if you tied that guy up better," Jarhead mumbled and got Bird back on his feet again.  
"You saying it's my fault," he said immediately riled up.  
"Who else's," Jarhead said and got on his feet. They were chest to chest before anyone had time to react.  
"Hey, hey," Grey piped up as Blondie and Moody physically tried to get between the two men.  
"We don't know how he got loose, there's no point arguing over that right now," Grey said sternly.

The two men looked reluctant to be the first one to give in though but finally Bird stepped away. He growled as he walked across the room.

"He's right about us not sitting ducks though," Moody suddenly found air, "We should just leave before the place is swarming with cops."  
"It's already swarming with cops," Grey said though and got to his feet.  
"Well I don't like being cooped up here," Blondie said and suddenly they were three against one. Jarhead seemed indifferent to what they should do. Amanda really didn't have an opinion either way but she would side with Miller over any of these guys.

"We should just leave while we have the chance," Blondie said and started towards the door. Grey got in his way though and tried to talk him down but both Bird and Moody had started towards the door as well.

"Don't let them leave," she heard a raspy voice in her ear. At first she thought it was Miller but then she realized it was Tucker.  
"Don't let them leave. We're on our way to you, do not under any circumstances let them leave."

Amanda broke her trance but only got a few steps closer to them. _What was she supposed to do? They had no reason to listen to her. To trust her. _She met Jarhead's eyes. He looked like he waited for her to say or do something. She stroke her sweaty palms against her legs. _What was she supposed to do? _

"Do whatever you have to do to keep them there."

Tucker.

"_Whatever_ you have to do. That's an order."

She hurried around them and everyone but Grey quiet down. Grey still had his back to her and it took him a few moments to realize it was her that had made the men quiet down.

"Look Miller wants us to stay, and what's the harm really…" Amanda felt out of breath and it was notable on her voice. She was playing it by air but her mind was blank. _Do whatever you have to do to keep them there_.

"We have this room," Amanda gestured around but realized it wasn't that much to sell.

"We just achieved something grand. I mean we beat the crap out of those creeps. Got them good. We deserve… a party. We don't have alcohol but we could… we could probably get some music," Amanda gestured towards the stereo but no one really looked over there, everyone just watched her with suspicious eyes. Even Moody looked less moody.

"And I'm really good at entertaining…"

Blondie raised an eyebrow.

"Really good," she repeated and without any trouble she'd slid her jacket off her shoulder and let it drop to the floor. She got her hoodie off just as smoothly.

"I can entertain you," she said and without any hesitation approached Blondie as he was the only one that seemed to catch on to what she was hinting to. Her fingers wandered up the zipper in his jacket and once she reached the puller she tugged at it slightly.

"I'm sure we can find something to do while we wait right…" she whispered softly and there was no longer any doubt Blondie got her drift. Or that he wasn't game.

**Four blocks away Liv** pushed through the doors to the van and within a split moment took the few steps over to Tucker's car. She was furious as she reached in through the open window and grabbed for Tucker.

"What the fuck are you doing," she yelled.

They'd been on Amanda's tail from the pickup place but then Tucker had waited a few minutes too long as Amanda was inside the hotel roughing up the men in the penthouse suite. His plan had been to take them as they were coming out, thinking they would arrive down the same way as they got in. The distress call from the hotel to the police had taken them for a loop though and then it wasn't long after that that the commotion erupted in the staircase which had the group running another way.

Tucker called everyone away from the hotel not wanting his operation to be ruined, or as Fin suggested, that the local police got credit for Tucker's yearlong operation. They'd lost track of Amanda as they went underneath the buildings, only popping up on their radar when they were blocks away and when they got there her signal was gone again. Right now they had no idea where she was at but Tucker had insisted it was still all good and still manageable.

They had finally parked and tried to regroup, more or less just waiting for Amanda to resurface. They had no reason to think she was in danger with the group. It could get hairy if the police found them though. And messy if IAB's involvement got known. That obviously stressed out Tucker the most. There were a lot of police cars called to the place so they all figured this hadn't just been anyone they targeted tonight. This was someone important.

They had finally gotten a weak signal but her position kept jumping on their screen. They had managed to get sound finally and they had heard Amanda reaching out to them and been able to acknowledge that they heard her.

Both Liv's and Fin's eyes had popped when they heard Tucker tell Amanda to do whatever she could to keep the men there. It was stupid because the tech guy had said they wouldn't pick up her signal before she came out of whatever room or building she was in so they wouldn't get to the group if they stayed put. And what had Liv fuming was what Tucker implied and expected Amanda to do.

"You tell her to just get out of there," Liv yelled as she tried to get through Tucker's flapping hands.  
"I'll do no such thing, I need to get these scums," Tucker argued back.  
"Not at the expense of my detective," Liv said and didn't care that she'd managed to slap Tucker right in the face twice by now, that was just an added bonus.

Fin had been a bit smarter though and went around the car. He flung the passenger door open and reached in over Cassidy. Before Tucker had time to react he'd pulled the radio receiver out of his hand and put it close to his mouth.

"Get your ass out of there Amanda," he said loud and clear in to it. They waited for a response but that's when they realized they heard no sound at all from the other end.

"Amanda?" Fin tried again. He got nothing but static as a response.


	20. Chapter 20: Mayhem

I'm so sorry I abandoned this and those of you who are reading it/me. Major writing block set in. I hope you can get back in to the story. I'm still not fully recovered from the slump so I'm dropping a few sidetracks I had meant to explore but it if I'm going to finish this it had to be done. One more chapter after this &amp; I promise you won't have to wait too long for the conclusion of Soldier. XO

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**Chapter 20: Mayhem**

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"_I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me_." ~ Sylvia Plath

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"C'mon no one's even going to see if the stereo has music," Amanda tried.

The men staring at her made her feel self-conscious. She couldn't really blame them for staring though. This wasn't really the time or place for any sort of party. She had obviously taken them all by surprise and so far no one but Blondie showed the slightest interest.

She swallowed hard. She felt very exposed but she couldn't really blame anyone but herself. Or maybe Tucker. She focused her attention back on Blondie, she'd seen that look he had in his eyes before. It made her feel powerful.

"You know what I'm talking about right," she said lowering her voice slightly to try and sound seductive.

"You know how to party," she said and this time pulled at his jacket slightly. She thought she saw a nod but wasn't sure if he was only looking down at her chest. She wished she'd put something else on, something that she could zip up in front as she knew her back was a total turnoff if she pulled her top off completely.

She turned her back to him, started grinding down against him. She closed her eyes to make it easier to imagine she was somewhere else. Shutting out the surroundings made it easier for her to put herself there. She saw the blinking lights reflecting in the mirrors all around her, that strong odor of alcohol and testosterone blending with too much perfume. She felt the warmth of the strong lights and the music started pulsating with her blood. Somewhere in the distance she heard Sierra's laugh and that humming she often did while performing together. A humming you only felt when pressed up against her but that she later sensed just by looking at Sierra and it had a calming effect on her.

She felt the familiar poke of a hard-on against her back as she came back up against him. She'd pulled her hands up, brought her hair up with them and she felt his hard breath against her exposed neck. A smile spread across her face as she felt his hands on her hips. He didn't waste any time, hands sweeping forward and down her thighs. He'd started moving with her and his lips traced the side of her neck.

"So how do we get the rest of the crew to loosen up," her sultry voice was laced with a giggle as she pulled herself out of Blondie's grip.  
"C'mon guys," he said eagerly without letting her go with his eyes, "put some music on or something." He wiped his top lip with his tongue.

She'd taken the few steps over to the man they called Bird. She grabbed a hold of his shirt and had to tilt her head back to look at him. He held his hands out to the sides as though he was afraid to touch her.

"It's okay," she whispered and hoped it wasn't a sign of repulsion she caught but that he was just scared.

She held on to his shirt as she squatted down but then let her hands drop further down. She kept moving down by the floor as she shot him a look. He still had that scared look over his face and his eyes got even bigger as she purposely moved her face closer to his crotch. She opened her mouth slightly and brushed by the fabric of his zipper as she came back up again. She quickly turned her back to him, let her arms go up around his neck as she moved her ass against him. She wasn't sure if she felt any reaction and Moody's deer-in-headlight look at her made her feel uncomfortable again. She started doubting herself but then she heard the sound of static as the stereo suddenly was turned on. She spotted Jarhead over by the wall and he scrolled to a music channel.

He raised an eyebrow at her when he turned back around. She wasn't really pleased with the music he'd chosen but she still gave him a smile. The music seemed to change the mood in the room. Moody looked a little more like himself again. Grey swiped a nervous hand over his shiny scalp but the others seemed to relax slightly.

She'd kept moving against Bird but she had been unaware that his hands were on her now. She felt one hand resting low on her hip while the other one softly rubbed her stomach. She tilted her head back and gave him a cheeky look. His hand came up over her breast. His fingers were tender as they started brushing back and forth over her nipple. She caught herself hoping he would be just as tender later on.

Jarhead had stepped up between Grey and Moody and she met him half way. Her intent had been to give him the same treatment as she'd given Blondie and Bird but he had different intentions. He grabbed a strong grip in her hair and his tongue entered her mouth the moment his lips were on hers. His other hand came around her and pushed her hard in to him. He tasted nicotine and for some reason it made her feel sick to her stomach. She let him keep going though. That was until she felt his hands grab on to her top, trying to pull it upwards.

"Hold on," she mumbled as she tried to separate herself from him slightly.  
"In time," she giggled as she saw his sullen look and she put a finger to his lips, let it slid inside briefly as he opened up his mouth further.

She pulled her finger back though as she distanced herself from him so she could get movement in her hips again. She could tell he was eager though and she turned away from him before he made another move.

"Don't look so worried," she whispered as she closed in on Grey.

The hand that had kept rubbing his scalp fell down as she came closer. He shied back from her but she didn't let that intimated her.

"C'mon Cobb, it's not like you're getting any at home," Jarhead mocked. Grey shot him a furious look.

Amanda let her hands go down the front of his thighs as she squatted down.

"We shouldn't do this," she heard Grey whisper but he quickly piped down as she came back up and let her hand sweep over his crotch. She lingered there and she clearly felt the reaction her touch made. His own excitement seemed to embarrass him so she folded her eyes down to not put him to shame.

"You should celebrate, you've done a good thing tonight," she whispered as she replaced her hand with her thigh. She kept rubbing up against him and it didn't take long until she heard a relaxing sigh. All tension seemed to leave his body, except from that one part that she still felt against her thigh. She kept her eyes deflected from his and she could see one of his hands slowly moving up towards her. His fingers barely landed on her cheek before he pulled back his hand. He was soon back again though, this time carefully caressing a strand of her hair through his fingers.

His tenderness and what seemed like innocence almost made her emotional but she forced herself to toughen up. She'd been here before. If she was going to go through this she knew she had to be tough. She had always preferred the self-sufficient ones, they just took and expected nothing of you. The ones like Grey, and possibly Bird, took effort. You would have to seduce them. Try to convince them that you adored them and that they would be making love and not fuck a prostitute.

She was pulled from her thoughts by another set of hands coming around her hips from behind.

"Don't forget the rest of us," she heard Blondie's smooth voice right by her ear.  
"How could I," she smiled as she leaned back against him.

She moved her hand up over her shoulder so she could snake it around his neck. She felt his hand caressing her stomach underneath her top. His touch sent shivers down in to her core. _She was a dirty little girl_. In a single heartbeat everything settled down inside. She felt calm. The music, her heartbeat, that ticking deep down in her core, it all helped to relax her. Like a sensual symphony that swept her away. She felt someone's hands working on the zipper in her pants. _She really didn't care who it was, just that he would hurry up to scratch that itch of hers._

She did register some change in atmosphere but it wasn't until both men stepped off her that she was able to take in her surroundings properly. She felt a stab in her heart as she locked eyes with Soldier.

"What the hell is going on here," his jaw was clinched. She'd never seen him this pissed before and it scared her.  
"Turn that fucking music off, have you completely lost your heads," Miller hissed as no one responded.

Moody was the first to react and he stepped passed them to reach the stereo, giving them hateful glares.

"I told them this wasn't a good idea," Grey mumbled.

Amanda let out a chuckle that was louder than intended but _who was he trying to jerk off? She'd felt what a good idea he thought it was. Coward. _

When she turned back to look at Soldier he was staring straight at her. He came charging at her all of a sudden. She wanted to stand her ground but her feet started moving backwards. His hand was around her throat and helped push her backwards towards the wall. She hit it hard, felt the impact in both her head and back and her eyes clamped shut for a few seconds.

Instinctively her hands went up to her neck but she realized he wasn't choking her. He just held her steady against the wall. She'd never seen his eyes this black. He towered so much in front of her she couldn't see anything but him. She lowered her hands again, gripped the cement behind her.

"This what you want?" he asked once he was done staring at her.

She wasn't really sure what he was asking. A part of her feared she'd disappointed him but a bigger part felt excitement and she couldn't help but smirk.

"This what you want," he repeated as he forced his leg in between hers. She didn't put up much of a fight though.  
"This…" she felt his hand by the lining of her pants, gripping at her zipper.  
"This…" he pushed his hand up inside her shirt, grabbed on to one of her breast roughly.

His grip had hardened around her throat as well which they both only realized as there was no sound as she opened her mouth to speak. He eased his grip slightly. He still had her pinned against the wall tightly though. Her voice was hoarse but her words clear;

"Just do what you want to me."

**Several blocks away** both Fin and Liv were close to livid. Fin was in the van yelling at the tech guy to find his partner. Liv had been in there as well but was now out on the street yelling at Tucker again and telling him what a piece of shit he was. Tucker kept seated in his car, Cassidy staying put in the passenger seat just fearing his boss would snap at any moment.

They'd gotten sound back quickly and had heard everything. Amanda's offer, the music getting turned on, what they figured was a man's, or several men's, heavy breathing and then finally Soldier putting a stop to everything.

They weren't sure Amanda could hear them though. Fin had tried reaching her but whatever he tried – pleading, yelling, ordering - it didn't seem to put a stop to her plans.

Liv quiet down just in time to hear Miller's question to Amanda over the radio in Tucker's car. With the sounds they heard Liv's mind was playing up a bad scenario. She could strangle Tucker in that moment. Fin jumped out of the van with a pale face. He shook his head as Liv looked over his way.

"We can't get a signal on her," he said evidently shaken up.

_Just do what you want to me_. Liv had to grab a hold of Tucker's car.

"Sir we have to put a stop to this," Cassidy couldn't sit quiet any longer. He'd stayed quiet too long. Tucker just shot him a sideways glare though.

"A little too late to grow balls now don't you think," Tucker hissed at him.

**Inside Amanda had** to gasp for air. Miller's grip had harden around her throat again but she didn't do any attempts to get him to ease up. She quite liked the slight buzz the oxygen deprivation gave her.

"I can do what I want?" he asked.

She couldn't really answer him at this time and it got even harder as his grip around her breast tighten even more than earlier. It hurt. A lot. The part of her that saw her dad in him wanted to cry right now. That part that felt like she'd let him down and she'd lose him for good now. But again that other part of her had a much bigger hold on her. It was too late anyway, she might as well go out with a bang. _Just use me. Please_.

"You want us to take turns do you," Miller asked as he pushed his leg up harder against her.

Her toes barely touched ground now. Doubt started to take over as she looked in to Miller's black eyes. She still felt the heat pulsating down in her core but the pain started to draw out the deep rooted shame inside of her. She could see the disappointment in his eyes. She feared she also saw temptation in there. _She wasn't sure she could actually survive screwing him. That would be too fucked up even for her._

She braced herself as he came even closer to her. His lips were right by hers, she felt his breath against her own. She closed her eyes as he pressed his mouth up against her cheek. Everything hurt by now.

She wasn't ready when he all of a sudden let go off her. He stepped away and she barely managed to stay on her feet, her hands immediately going for her throat as she started coughing.

"No one touches her," Miller said angrily. He'd turned to face them and pinned them down one by one with his hateful eyes.  
"No one," Miller repeated and fixed his eyes at Blondie. He folded his eyes down, guilt-ridden.  
"She offered…" Jarhead mumbled.  
"Shut up," Miller shouted, "We're a troop, we don't screw each other over. Ever."

Amanda had stopped coughing and a tense silence spread across the room. Bird and Grey were looking ashamed. Jarhead and Blondie looked guilty but not quite convinced they were all to blame here. Moody was back to looking sullen and Miller continued to look pissed.

"Dragon is waiting at the corner east of here, he can take four of you. You decide who stays with me," Miller said concise. The men started to look amongst each other. No one seemed keen to stick around.

"I'll stay," Moody suddenly spoke up. Miller gave him a nod.  
"Go," he told the others and they started for the door immediately. Miller spotted Amanda's clothes on the floor and went to pick them up.  
"You're with me, get dressed," he said as he tossed the clothes at her.

She did her best to pull the hoodie back over her head and get her arms through her jacket as quickly as possible. Miller kept watch on her and when she was done he started for the door. Moody took his flank and Amanda his. She heard Miller and Moody discuss where they had to go to get to the car. Miller seemed to have rather good track of where the police were at but he said they had to be careful.

Only now did Amanda reflect over her own squad. She hadn't heard from Tucker in a long time now. _Had she lost touch with them? Could she be so lucky that they hadn't heard anything she'd been up to? Where they outside waiting for them? Would Miller be arrested now? Would she have to testify? _

She was surprised to find the alley outside dark and empty. No sign of Tucker or the others. Miller and Moody had been able to gain some ground on her and she had to pick up pace to catch up to them. Miller checked out the street before they left the alley.

"We need to cross it," he let them know. The three of them hustled over. Amanda spotted a familiar car further down the street and she felt as though her heart would jump out of her chest. _Was it going to end now?_

There were no lights or sirens though and they made it across two more streets. She couldn't believe her legs were working. Her heart was still pumping hard and her mind was a blur. Why wasn't Tucker putting an end to this? She was so preoccupied she managed to bump in to Moody really hard as she missed that they'd stopped by Miller's car. Moody gave her a fierce look before he jumped in to the passenger seat. She got in behind him, throwing one last look over her shoulder before she shut the door. She caught Miller looking at her over his shoulder once she closed the door behind her. She feared he could see right through her and she sat back to let the shadows embrace her.

She was still expecting to get pulled over. She waited for one of the patrol cars going by with the sirens on to turn and chase after them. At every red light, and they seemed to hit every single one tonight, she expected their car to get sieged. But nothing happened. Suddenly Miller pulled in to the curb and Moody jumped out without saying a word. He slammed the door shut and Amanda saw him disappear in between two buildings.

"Get up here," Miller said firmly while keeping an eye on the street.

Amanda hesitated. _She really didn't feel like sitting next to him. Would he touch her like Tucker had? Would he scold her? Surely he would tell her he no longer had any use of her. She had failed him and that meant she'd failed Tucker and her squad as well. She was useless._

While out on the street she checked both ways but couldn't see any of the surveillance cars. Miller took off before she even had time to close the door behind her. She wasn't sure where he was taking her. She didn't really care though.

"I'm sorry," she said and hoped it was loud enough for him to pick up. He just kept staring ahead though and she built up courage to say it again, this time a little louder.

"I'm sorry."

She saw his eyes go her way but never got as far as to all the way over to her. She feared he would never be able to look at her again. Her mom had used that strategy at times. Not looking at her, ignoring her and pretending that she didn't hear her young daughter's begging for her mom to notice her, to listen to her. As a kid she'd thought she deserved that treatment but she knew now that what her mom had done was a form of bullying and nothing a parent should stoop to. She couldn't blame Soldier for feeling repulsed by her now. She deserved this.

"Don't apologize, better yourself."

His words startled her. He didn't really seem angry but his words had been lecturing. _Don't apologize. Better yourself._

Afraid to face him straight on she just glanced his way and when he turned to look at her as they stopped at a red light she shied her eyes downwards.

"What happened to you doesn't have to define you," he said.

She swallowed hard. She could feel the intensity of his eyes.

"Don't _let_ it define you."

She felt like crying and had to both bite the inside of her cheek as well as bury her nails in to her own palm to keep the tears inside. The compartment felt cramped with his intense stare as well as the streetlight filling up the space. She tried to control her breathing, tried to not even look at the door handle as she was sure she would bolt if she did.

"I know you can move past it. That is if you _want_ to move past it…"

She felt forced to glance up at him.

"Do you want to move past it?" he asked her.

She nodded barely noticeable but enough for him to see and his harsh features soften slightly.

"Good. So trust the process. Let revenge be your healing power. Take back what has been taken from you."

The lights had turned green already but with the lack of traffic he was in no hurry and cruised through the intersection slowly.

"Has it healed you?" she asked.

She saw his eyes go her way but then turned back to the road. The question seemed to take him off guard and his jawline sharpen again.

"It's helping but I'm not quite there yet," he finally answered and she knew he was being completely sincere.

She kept peeking at him through the corner of her eye. _Six years. His wife and child had been dead for six years. It made her feel less of a freak. She'd lost her sister more recently so it felt okay for her to then be still mourning her. But six years. It made her feel sad for him. She knew he had his… well army she guessed she could call them but they probably weren't there for him in his time of need. Those nights when the grief got too much. When something trivial as getting out of bed felt too exhausting. When food, personal hygiene, appearance and things like that weren't even on the map. When hearing laughter felt like stab wounds straight through your heart and you walked around seeing everyone else breathe while you felt as though you were drowning. Where was his army then? Where was his Fin then? _

She turned her eyes out through her side window. She saw the glimmer of her tears in her own reflection and she quickly swiped her hand over her cheek as a tear dropped. She kept seeing that image of Miller's wife and son smiling in front of her eyes. _Her arms wrapped around the young boy's shoulders as they looked in to the camera. Had Miller taken that picture? The picture perfect image was interrupted by the other photo Tucker had shown her. The wife's body covered in blood on the floor. The next image even more gruesome as the dead boy's eyes kept staring blankly up at the camera, dried blood around a wound to his neck. Next she saw her sister there on the ground. She remembered how her crushed skull had felt in her palm. How her blood had still been warm. _

She kept her face turned away from him as she no longer had control over her tears. She tried turning her thoughts off but images kept coming. She saw herself from above with her dead sister in her arms. She saw herself holding her crying sister in her arms in a dark closet and she heard her mother's raging voice from outside. She saw her dad with a bullet wound to his head. She saw Simon's smirking face and heard the whip sweeping through the air.

When the car finally came to a stop her tears had dried up. She felt numb and felt a little disoriented as she looked around. It didn't take long until she recognized the building they'd stopped in front of. She was home. He'd taken her home.

"Are you okay?" he asked. She gave him a nod.  
"Are _we_ okay?" she asked. He didn't let her wait for the nod and even though she still felt numb she was able to feel some relief.  
"We have to lay low for a bit but I'll be in touch okay?" he said and she gave him another nod.

She was about to step out when she remembered something and she went to her pocket. She turned back to him holding on to the brass knuckle and he held out his hand to take it from her. The brass knuckle felt heavy in her hand as she reached out and her hand landed heavy in his palm. When he grabbed the brass knuckle his fingers folded around her hand as well and he squeezed it gently.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, it won't do anyone any good," he said.

She felt tears burning behind her eyes again and she knew she had to get out of there. She tried shooting him a smile before she pulled her hand back and got out of there. He stayed on the curb as she walked inside and she just continued upstairs as she wasn't sure of what else to do. She hadn't heard from Tucker this whole time.

Their apartment was dark but for once the darkness didn't bother her and she just walked straight in and managed to get to the couch before her legs gave out.

**Fin was the first one** to reach the door. He was so distressed he fumbled with the keys in the door but he wouldn't have to have bothered with them seeing how the door was open.

"Amanda?" he called out.

Liv got the light on. She was right behind him and she spotted Amanda on the couch before he did.

"You okay?" he said as he hurried towards her.

He was down on one knee in front of her before she was able to give him a nod. She had her face buried in her hands though and he wasn't satisfied before she looked up at him. He thought that it looked as though she'd been crying but he wasn't sure.

"You sure?" Liv said placing a soft hand on her back as she sat down next to Amanda. Amanda nodded again.

Tucker, Cassidy, Nick, Keith, the tech guy and two of the IAB officers were all standing in the living room now looking mostly at her.

"Maybe some water," Liv suggested and Nick was quick to head towards the kitchen.

No one really said anything, Fin stayed planted in front of her and Liv kept stroking her back until Nick was back with the water. Amanda managed to whisper a thanks to Nick as he handed the glass to her. Fin helped her hold on to the glass and get some water in her. Liv threw Tucker a few glares which made him deflect his eyes.

Since Tucker gave Amanda the order to do whatever to keep the men staying put they had been at each other's throats. Liv had been in the car with Tucker and disagreed with his decision to not intervene once Amanda finally emerged with Miller and another man. Surely getting two of them was better than none. Tucker kept insisting he wanted to wait though, Amanda might be able to identify the rest so there was no point to intervene now.

"We need to get you down to my office," Tucker finally said, having decided to ignore Liv's rage.  
"No way," Liv immediately blurred out, "she's not going anywhere tonight."  
"She needs to make compositions, identify the men," Tucker said raising his voice as he took a few steps closer to them.

Liv felt Amanda's body tense up under her touch and she got a little further out on the couch to be able to shield her detective slightly.

"I said she's not going anywhere tonight," Liv withheld.  
"Time is of the essence, we need her to look through the books while her memory is fresh."

Liv thought it over, she couldn't disagree that he had a slight point.

"Then you have to bring the material over here," she said.

Tucker's eyes looked as though they would pop out of his skull.

"You do know the NYPD has close to 35,000 employees," he said a little baffled.  
"Well you either get the material to her or it will just have to wait till the morning."  
"Why do you keep interfering with my interrogation," Tucker raised his voice again and took another hostile step towards them.

Liv got on her feet and stepped right up to him.

"You've already put her through enough… tonight."

Liv's intentional choice to leave a gap before that last word fueled Tucker even more and his face gained a deeper shade of red.

"You meddling son of..," Tucker seemed to literally bite his tongue, "Your detective is a part of this investigation, she helped beat up a member of our city council tonight. And not just _any_ member but the one who happens to be the stepson of the police commissioner. Now that's not a good career move for your-"

"And how would the police commissioner feel about you sitting by listening in on how his beloved golden boy was getting the crap beat out of him," Liv challenged Tucker, "doing nothing what so ever to intervene."

"We had no way of knowing who the target was," Tucker fumed.  
"So how was it any different for my detective?" Liv challenged.  
"You're nothing but grief, just like your detective-"  
"_My_ detective helped you get miles with this investigation while you got close to nowhere in a year-"  
"Well that's only thanks to her sluttish-"  
"She got-"

"Hey, hey," Fin raised his voice now.

He'd gotten up to his feet once he saw how dispirited the screaming made Amanda feel even though she'd already been in the gutter once they got there. She'd slowly started to climb up on the couch and he knew he had to stop this argument for everyone's benefit. Fin speaking up made Nick dare to take a step forward as well, ready to jump in if backup was needed.

"We're done for tonight," Fin said sternly, "I'll bring her by your office in the morning. Case closed for tonight."

Tucker didn't seem pleased but he, as well as Liv, had thrown a glance over at the couch where Amanda had now laid down and he was forced to realize she was too drained to really function right now.

"I want her in my office 8 am," Tucker said looking at Fin.  
"If she's awake by then or else we'll be there later on," Fin answered calmly.  
"I need her in my office early," Tucker said turning back towards Liv, "You know as well as me shit will have hit the fan by tomorrow, everyone will be on the commissioner's stepson's case."  
"As my detective said, he'll have her there as soon as possible, and the longer you stand here jabbering the longer you'll probably have to wait in the morning," Liv said raising both eyebrows at him.

Tucker huffed but then turned on his heel and went straight for the door. The two IAB officers looked a bit indeterminate but then turned to follow him out. The tech guy stayed put though.

"I think I need my equipment…" he said a bit hesitant looking between Fin and Liv.

Fin cocked his head at him to get over there and Liv put a soft hand on the tech guy's arm as he passed her. She took the few steps over to Nick and Keith. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder to see Fin help Amanda sit back up so the tech guy could get his devices.

"Shouldn't we… maybe brief her about tonight, do we know what really happened in that room?" Nick asked cautiously.  
"I think Miller got there before anything really happened… but I'll ask her," Liv reassured him.  
"She will be protected right?" Keith asked sounding concerned, "I mean she won't get in trouble for beating up Jeremy?"  
"I think Tucker's ass is in more jeopardy over tonight but I'm hoping he'll let her be an anonymous source once they bust these vigilantes," Liv said.

She glanced over her shoulder again and it looked as though the tech guy had what he needed as he was getting back on his feet.

"Why don't you head home, get some well-earned sleep," Liv suggested looking at Nick and Keith.  
"Don't you want a ride home?" Nick asked.  
"I'll be fine, you go, get out of here," Liv smiled.  
"Thank you, have a good night," Liv said to the tech guy as he passed them. He gave her a smile and cocked his head bye to the others.

"It's okay, go on," Liv reassured as Nick lingered. Keith seemed reluctant to leave as well but had at least taken a step towards the door. Nick looked over towards the couch were Fin was draping a blanket over Amanda's shoulders. He wished he would be allowed to be more a part of this but he figured there must be a good reason for Liv to keep him in the dark.

"Call if you change your mind. I'll be back here immediately," he said and Liv said she appreciated it. She pulled herself over to Fin and Amanda, threw a quick glance back to make sure Nick closed the door behind him as he finally stepped out and then she sat down next to Amanda again.

"How you holding up?" Liv said and rubbed her back gently. Amanda just nodded slightly, she kept her eyes down. Liv exchanged a quick glance with Fin but he just gave her a slight shrug.

"Amanda," Liv said and waited until she had the detective's eyes.  
"Miller got there before anything… before anything happened right?"

Amanda just looked at her for a while. Liv saw how her eyes travelled all over her face, seemed to take note of every inch of her boss' face. Liv wasn't sure if she was thinking of her answer or if she just lost her trail of thought but when no answer came Liv started to suspect the latter.

"Amanda?" Liv had to say again.  
"Did something happen in that room?" she asked once Amanda's eyes were able to focus on hers.

Amanda finally shook her head, if only slightly. She was quick to fold her eyes down again and went back to staring at her own hands in her lap. Liv exchanged another glance with Fin. He looked as uncertain as she felt.

"What Tucker asked of you, that wasn't alright," Liv said and pressed a little harder as she kept rubbing Amanda's back.  
"He keeps putting you in situations he has no right putting you in. I really think it's about time we finish this. If you can identify only a few tomorrow then I think we should tell Tucker he should make the arrests."

Liv met Amanda's eyes briefly as she looked up. Her face looked as vacant as earlier though.

"We also got a name tonight, Cobb, which shouldn't be too hard to dig up," Liv continued once Amanda looked away again, "Tucker will just have to be satisfied with what he's got now. We aren't pleased at all with his actions tonight. He should've intervened the moment you left that room."

Fin looked pleased to hear Liv wanted to end this, looking at his partner just proved even more that it had to stop, and he fully agreed with her that Tucker had acted inappropriately, yet again, tonight.

"So I bet you're eager to get to bed aren't you," Liv said and tried to rub some life in Amanda. She nodded just as subtle as before but at least she seemed to pay attention to what Liv was saying.

"I'll let you get on that then but call me if you need or want to talk or whatever, I'll keep my phone on all night," Liv squeezed Amanda with one arm. She knew she should leave but she felt reluctant to do so. This felt unfinished and Amanda looked anything but fine. She lined up some of Amanda's hair behind her ear but that didn't get Amanda to look at her either so finally Liv just got up.

"Call, if you need anything," Liv said once she had Fin's arm under her hand. He nodded.  
"And do call in the morning when you're ready to head over to Tucker's, I want to be there as well," she added just as she was about to move towards the door.  
"Copy that," Fin said.  
"Okay then, good night guys, good night Amanda."

Liv lingered hoping to catch a glimpse of Amanda's eyes but all she got was a mumbled "night". She exchanged a quick smile with Fin and then walked over to the door. She caught Fin's eyes as she turned around in the door but Amanda's head was still lowered. It didn't feel good to close the door on that note but she had to hope Fin had it covered.

"You hungry?" Fin asked once Liv had closed the door behind her. Amanda shook her head.  
"Thirsty? Want something else than water?" Again Amanda just shook her head.  
"So head straight to bed?" he guessed but she shook her head again.

She threw a glance sideways at the couch.

"I can just lay down here…" she said very quietly.  
"No I think a bed will do you better. I have a hunch you need as good of a sleep as possible tonight so if I have to I'll carry you there…"

She looked at him and gave him frown. It was far from a malicious frown and he found it mostly cute.

"C'mon," he said and held out both his hands. She took a deep sigh but then raised her arms and put her hands in his. He grabbed a good hold off her and pulled her up on her feet. The blanket was left behind on the couch.

Standing up seemed to open some flood gates and she felt tears burning behind her eyes. She didn't want him to see her with tears in her eyes so she quickly folded her arms around his neck. He was a little taken aback by the sudden embrace but when he felt that familiar interrupted inhale underneath his hands he understood what was going on and he folded his strong arms around her.

"You're okay," he whispered and held her even tighter.  
"I screw everything up," she whispered. He felt her lips move against his neck.  
"You don't-"  
"Don't," she interrupted him, "Don't say I don't cause we both know I do."

He just felt and listened to her breathe for a while. He felt her warm tears run down his neck and gather by the hem of his shirt. He pulled one of his hands up to the back of her head and tried soothing her by holding her tight. She'd become slightly tense by the tears but he could tell she was too tired to hold on to that and soon she was limp in his arms. He switched his grip up slightly around her to be able to get her off the ground and then he started to move slowly out of there. Her legs dangled in front of him but he took it easy, he was in no hurry right now.

When they finally reached their bedroom he rearranged his grip again so he could fold her legs to the side so he wouldn't trample her as he put his knee down on the bed. He put her down gently on her back but when he tried to rise back up she kept her grip around his neck and he realized she wouldn't let go so he just laid down beside her. She let him go slightly once she knew he was planted steady on the bed and she made herself more comfortable with her head on his chest. He felt her hand move across his chest, her fingers grabbing on slightly as she kept rubbing her hand over him.

He figured she might go to sleep soon and was surprised when she suddenly whispered;

"I'm screwed up in the head Fin. I don't know what I'm doing half the time…"

He'd placed one hand underneath his head but the other one was still holding on to her and he squeezed her shoulder to let her know he was there and listening to her.

"Sometimes I worry that I'm fading..," her voice was barely a whisper now.

He wanted to know what she meant exactly but he feared him speaking would push her to silence.

"…that I'm not really here anymore. That I'm lost and have been for quite some time."  
"Since your sister died?" he asked carefully hoping dearly he didn't overstep.  
"Maybe…" she finally whispered.  
"Or that part of me is still left in that room."  
"Simon's room…" he guessed.  
"Aha," she breathed.

He felt her draw a wavy line on his chest. He wanted to say that he knew for a fact they'd gotten her out of there as he'd helped carry her himself but he knew it wasn't as easy as that. He knew the mind played as big of a part as the body did and if she said she still felt trapped there he wasn't sure what he could say or do to change that.

"What can I do?" he asked.

Her finger stopped briefly but then kept going, this time it felt as she drew a figure eight in the middle of his chest.

"You're already doing so much…"  
"But not enough if you still feel trapped."  
"What if I can't be saved?"

She drew a cross over his chest.

"I'm never going to give up on you Amanda, don't you know that by now?"  
"It leaves you hurt…"  
"I can take it."  
"You shouldn't have to take it."  
"You're worth it."

She'd stopped moving her finger and let her palm rest against his chest instead. It didn't take long until she wrapped her arm around him though and her leg came up and wrapped him up as well as she seemed to feel a need to get even closer to him. He left his comfortable pose and let both arms wrap around her, almost taking her off the bed by doing so.

"We're going to make you feel okay again," he tried reassuring her as he planted a kiss on the top of her head.  
"No shackles, he's already taken too much from you. It's time you feel whole again."

She raised her head up slightly and their eyes met. Her tears had dried up but he still saw signs of them on her face. A line going down her cheek and some of her eyelashes on her left eye were still clogged together. She was still beautiful but he wished he could put a smile on top of that beauty.

Her eyes were going back and forth between his eyes and his lips. He could tell she was thinking about something but he wasn't sure what and when she slowly closed in on his lips he tensed up. She felt the tension, hesitated but then continued towards his lips. She closed her eyes just as she let her lips rest on top of his. He loved the feeling of her lips against his own again but he couldn't quite relax. _Was this her feeling forced to repay him? Was Shay rearing her ugly head again? _

She tried to ignore the reservation she felt in his body and just tasted his lower lip gently. It lasted for only a short second though before she pulled back again.

"Thank you," she whispered as she planted her ear against his warm chest again.

The tension quickly left his body and he exhaled. She was fingering his tee again, stroking him slightly over his tummy. He was able to enjoy her closeness again and he let his hand play around in her hair as he put his other hand down higher up on his chest. She must've seen or felt the hand as her fingers soon came searching for him. They entwined their fingers, he let her thumb play around with his. It didn't take long before her thumb started circling his slower until it finally stopped all together. He fell asleep listening to her calm breathing against his chest.

**Her sleep would be interrupted** by nightmares through the night but he was able to comfort her each time and sooth her back to sleep before they became too extreme. They both started to come to life simultaneous as the sun reached their faces through the curtains that neither one of them had even thought about closing last night. He knew they'd been in different positions through the night but as they woke up they were back in the same position as they'd drifted off to sleep in.

She was tired which meant she let him hold her for quite some time. He took the chance to take a few whiffs of her hair and just enjoy laying so close to her. It was well past 9 AM though and Tucker was probably foaming behind his desk at IAB by now so when she came to enough to raise her head to look at the clock their cozy time was interrupted. He tried to hold her there but she mumbled Tucker's name and it was enough to ruin any moment so he let her go.

Fin called Liv while Amanda was in the shower and let her know they probably wouldn't be at Tucker's until 10. He apologized to her that they were running late but she said she didn't even want to hear that. She refr to tell him Tucker had already called her twice to put out an APB for them as neither one of them were answering their phones. She told him she would meet them outside IAB at 10 and for them not to go in without her.

When Fin and Amanda finally got across town to the IAB office Liv was already planted on a bench outside waiting for them. She thought Amanda looked pale but the detective said she was fine and she seemed eager to get inside. Amanda did feel fine but there was this restless feeling inside of her. She was familiar with that feeling but it was hard to describe it. It felt like an itching on the inside, something annoying that you couldn't quite put your finger on but left you wanting to constantly move.

It was obvious Tucker had to control himself to not boil over once he saw them coming down the corridor. He said good morning but added it wasn't really morning any longer. They let that slide as they knew he had a far worse bite if he wanted to. He took them down to a conference room where he'd set up piles of binders that reached over Amanda's head once she had a seat at one end of the table.

"Couldn't she have done it on a computer?" Liv muttered as her detective disappeared behind the stacks.  
"I prefer it this way," Tucker snapped and then walked over towards Amanda.  
"Start with this one," Tucker said and pushed the binder already in front of her even closer to her.  
"You want coffee?" Fin cut in as he'd seen the thermos on the table. She shook him off though and flipped the binder open.  
"I have the board set up," Tucker said and pointed to a glass board with the code names written above blank squares, "I expect you to fill them all out before we leave this room."

Amanda pulled a deep breath as she watched the board. _Soldier, Grey, Moody, Bird, Dragon, Blondie, Jarhead_. Their faces flashed before her eyes as she looked at their individual call names. All but Dragon was clearly etched in her mind. She was pretty sure she would be able to identify Dragon as well though and she turned her attention down at the first four faces staring back up at her.

Fin went to fix himself a cup before he got on trying to aid his partner in some way. Tucker stepped back over to Liv who had went to hang her jacket on a hanger by the door.

"You don't have to stick around…" Tucker said.  
"I'm sure you have work to do running that unit of yours…" he added when Liv just gave him a glare.  
"I can work from here," Liv said with slight amusement in her tone as she pulled her laptop out of her bag. Tucker looked grim but kept quiet all while Liv's amusement grew.

"Any hits on the name we got last night? Cobb?" Liv asked.

Tucker glanced back over at Amanda wanting to make sure they didn't have her attention. Tucker nodded as he turned back to Liv.

"He's in that binder," he said quietly, "There's a Cobbs as well but _Cobb_ match the profile to a T."

Liv nodded and gave Amanda a glance as well.

"A sergeant…" Tucker couldn't keep it in. Liv raised her eyebrow.  
"You have every rank in those binders," Liv asked a bit curiously.  
"No special treatment at IAB," Tucker said with pride.  
"You're telling me you didn't know the commissioner's stepson was a rotten egg?"

Tucker's eyes flared briefly.

"His stepson is not an officer and therefor of no concern of mine but no I didn't," Tucker huffed.  
"You think the commissioner knew?" Liv had to ask.

She didn't want to believe their commissioner would hold a crook behind his back but Miller had made it sound like it was well-known within the department that Jarod Mann was a thug. Tucker just gave her a look, she wasn't sure what to make of that. _Maybe he agreed but wasn't man enough to say it out loud? Yeah that was probably it._

Liv got her laptop started and had time to go through some emails as Amanda took her time to get through the first binder. Fin had taken a seat to the side of her, sipping his coffee slowly and browsed the pages from his poistion. Tucker got a phone call and stepped over to one of the walls, Liv was a little surprised he actually lowered his voice to not disturb them too much. Liv wasn't really sure how many pages there was in one binder but it took Amanda at least twenty minutes, maybe even longer, to go through one. When she flipped the binder shut though, seeming like she didn't recognize anyone, Liv and Tucker exchanged a quick glance.

"Are you sure you didn't recognize anyone?" Tucker asked.

Liv had always had a hard time reading Amanda's face but right now she looked very guilty.

"Maybe you want to have a second look?" Tucker suggested seeing the guilt on the detective's face as well.  
"What's going on?" Fin asked. He had no idea why Liv and Tucker looked so concerned. The probability of one of the thugs being in one of, he wasn't even sure how many binders were on the table, wasn't high. Unless they knew something he didn't… he looked at his partner.

"Would you leave us alone for a bit," Liv asked the others.  
"For legal purposes-" Tucker started but Liv gave him a glare.  
"Get out Tucker," she said without watching her words or tone.

Tucker started to pull towards the door but, childishly, seemed to wait for Fin to leave as well. Liv gave Fin a look, he was still confused but he trusted Liv enough to get up and walk towards the door.

Liv had remained on the other side of the rectangular table but when the door was closed on them she slowly made her way over to Amanda. Amanda had lowered her head and Liv watched her lick her lips nervously and then bite down on her lower lip. When she got around the piles of binders she could see Amanda clutching on to the one in front of her. As though she felt Liv watching her hands she pulled them down in to her lap. Liv grabbed a chair from the side and placed it close to Amanda's.

Amanda couldn't hide her discomfort. Liv hadn't meant to put the chair just as close to Amanda's but it felt weird to move it as Liv sat down and she did her best to not let her knees get in touch with Amanda's legs. Liv wasn't sure what to say and the silent got awkward for both of them.

"What's going on Amanda," Liv finally asked.

Amanda tried to make a stunned face but she wasn't able to hold it for long and went back to watching her hands in her lap.

"Are you scared?" Liv guessed. She caught the frown briefly washing over Amanda's face.  
"Talk to me Amanda," Liv said and reached out to put her hand on top of Amanda's.

Amanda flinched but Liv didn't let that scare her off and she wrapped her hand around both of Amanda's. She felt cold underneath her touch and she grabbed a hold of her with her other hand as well and rubbed her hand gently between her own.

"Please talk to me," Liv begged, "What's going on Amanda."  
"N-nothing's going on, he- he's not in there, I can't, I mean I can't… be sure…" Amanda had been shaky from the start but she lost even more focus as she locked eyes with Liv.

"I know at least one of them is in that book Amanda. You have perfect perception, I read your notes, your descriptions during Mayhem, I saw your drawings. Spot on. Why won't you identify Cobb?"

Amanda felt stupid for not even realizing Tucker had given her that binder to start with for a reason. It didn't go unnoticed by her though that Liv had given her praise but it was hard to take that in when she felt like crying. Amanda squirmed. She wished she could pull her hands out of Liv's grip but she didn't want to offend her. Liv's hands were resting softly around Amanda's wrists.

"Would you tell me if you are scared…" Liv tried.  
"I'm not scared," Amanda said quietly but with a bit of annoyance in her tone.  
"Then what is it Amanda," Liv tried.  
"I don't want to falsely accuse someone…"  
"But you saw someone in that book that you recognized."  
"One is from our station so yeah I recognized someone," Amanda said a bit sarcastic.  
"You know what I'm talking about Amanda."

Amanda tried to sit up straighter but she felt her back arched just as quickly again.

"I just don't…"  
"You just don't what Amanda?" Liv asked when Amanda stayed quiet.

She wished she had more patience but she so desperately wanted to know what was going on in her detective's head right now and she knew Tucker wouldn't give her much time to get Amanda around without his _help_.

"Is it really so bad what they're doing…"

Amanda peeked up at her boss. She half expected Liv to slap her. _What an insubordinate child you are_. But Liv just stayed as calm as before and didn't shy away with her eyes.

"I can understand you feel like that Amanda," Liv said calmly as she'd gathered her thoughts.

She'd been a little shocked to hear those words come out of her detective's mouth but giving it a second thought she wasn't as surprised. _She'd gone after Jack Cullen just a few weeks back. And she'd lost control with Jared Holland as Miller put that bat in her hands. Simon. Lucas. Her own mother. She'd been through a lot._

"I feel the rage as well sometimes, I had a partner who took the law into his own hands at times," she shook her head thinking back to a time when she hadn't reflected as much but just trusted her partner.  
"We can't take the law in to our own hands though. We'd have anarchy in no time if we let that happen."  
"But Jeremy Mann… no one would have put a stop to him, he's the commissioner's stepson…" Amanda bit down on her lip.  
"Tennant didn't do anything to stop _his_ stepson," Amanda said without letting go off her lip. Liv saw the tears in Amanda's eyes and how Amanda tried widening her eyes to make the tears go away.

"I can understand that you have doubts Amanda but I saw what it did to you beating up Jared Holland."  
"Maybe _I'm_ the one not cut out for it but if you can stomach it, if you can make this world just a little bit better…"  
"Amanda," Liv was a little curt. It seemed to do the trick as Amanda seemed to jolt out of whatever state she'd been and her face just became sad again.

"We don't take the law in to our own hands, we swore an oath, and it's as simple as that. And the fact you couldn't stomach that is what makes you the great detective you are. You do know right from wrong Amanda."

Liv let her words sink in for a bit.

"Can you go through the binder again and point him out?"

Amanda nodded slowly.

"And can I trust you to do a proper job with the rest of the binders?"

Another nod.

Amanda kept her head down and Liv felt like she might've crowded her too much and slowly let her wrists go. She didn't have time to withdraw her hands much though until Amanda grabbed a hold of them.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered quickly.  
"Don't worry about it," Liv smiled and clutched her hands right back.  
"But Tucker…" Amanda glanced towards the door.  
"What have I told you about Tucker… don't even think about him, if he so much as breathes at you I'll punch him where it hurts him the most."  
"At his ego?" Amanda suggested and it made Liv chuckle. Amanda managed to smile even if it were a bit crocked.  
"At his ego yes," Liv confirmed as she collected herself.  
"Don't worry about anything, we got each other covered okay?" Liv said. Amanda nodded.  
"Will you be here with me?" Amanda asked and hoped she didn't sound as desperate as she felt.  
"Of course I will, I'll be here as long as it takes you to go through this," Liv looked at the piles and she got a bit of a sense of how overwhelmed Amanda most be feeling.  
"Geesh that's a lot isn't it," Liv breathed. Amanda nodded.  
"Let's get the guys back in and they can help bring these piles down a bit, you can't breathe with all these around you," Liv said but remained seated.

She didn't feel like letting go of Amanda's hands just yet but she could tell Amanda quickly got bothered by the proximity. Liv gave her hands a last squeeze and then got up. She walked over and opened the door back up. Tucker was posted just a step away from the door while Fin had a casual stance against the wall a bit further down. Liv didn't say anything but just left the door open as she turned to go back to the table.

"We need to give her some room, will you help out with that," Liv asked as she started to pull at one of the piles. Even though Fin had walked in last he was the first one to start to help out. Tucker was eyeing both Liv and Amanda. Amanda had flipped the binder back over and went through the pages rather quickly until she got about half way in.

"This is Grey," she said and put her finger down on one of the photos, "Cobb."

Tucker immediately let go of the binder he had his hands on and walked over to have a look.

"Good, that's good," he said as he pulled the photo out. He walked it over to the board and put it under Grey's name.  
"One down, six to go," he close to snickered.

Amanda had put the binder to the side and Liv slid her another one.

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled as she flipped the cover open.

Liv and Fin didn't stop rearranging things on the table until Amanda's view of the table was completely open and there was enough room for a water bottle and a cup of coffee that Fin gave her even though she hadn't asked for it. Liv hinted to Tucker he better set them up with lunch as well if he wanted to keep them all in good spirits. Tucker didn't look pleased he would have to put up with all three of them for such a time but he didn't dare to say anything.

When they reached noon Amanda had been able to put two more photos up on the board, one of them was Miller though. Liv said it was time for a break and she asked Tucker what he was treating them to. Again Tucker looked less thrilled but said he would get them menus. While they waited for their lunch to arrive Fin and Amanda stretched out their legs in the corridor. Liv took the chance to make a few callbacks.

Tucker tried to rush them through lunch but Liv made sure Amanda had enough time to at least get through half her meal. Another three hours later they had all but one pinned on the board. Fin had gotten restless long before then and been out to catch some air but Liv never left Amanda's side. It wasn't just because she didn't want Amanda to be alone with Tucker but also because she'd promised Amanda to be there.

Tucker made brief pauses when he left the room but he'd set up a laptop next to Liv and spent some time working as well all while Amanda scanned the blinders. Fin divided his time by playing games on his phone and pacing around the room. He'd been behind the board a few times and read the profiles that was printed on the back of the head shots. So far sergeant was the highest rank they had, two were officers and three detectives.

Amanda had scooted two binders to the side, neither Liv and Tucker had asked why but when she'd gone through every single binder and went back to them they realized she had trouble identifying the last member of last night's raid. She was eyeing two images closely. The rest of them had all gathered around her.

"I'm just not sure," Amanda finally sighed.  
"He's bald now, I would say this one," she put her finger on one of the guys, "but this one looks like him as well."  
"We'll pin them both for now, I will need to do backup checks on all of them. If you see them in a line-up maybe you'll be able to ID him," Tucker suggested.

Amanda watched Tucker as he put the two photos up next to each other. She let her eyes slide along the photos as Tucker stepped back to have a look at the board as well. She felt bad as her eyes landed on Miller's stern looking face. _What would he think of her once he found out she was a rat? Would he find out she was a rat? Even if he didn't she would always know what she'd done._

Even though it was late in the afternoon Liv had to head in to the station. There was a report both Fin and Amanda had to sign as well so they tagged along. Liv wished she could've said it could wait but Barba needed it hours ago which he'd reminded Liv of every time he called during the day.

The news of the police commissioner's stepson was all over the station once they got back there. It started already in the elevator as the three of them rode up. Two uniforms were talking behind them and they heard one of them say that he'd heard the sicko had two women strung up when police burst in. Liv gave them a glare as she didn't appreciate them gossiping. She restrained from correcting them though, she knew she couldn't let on she knew more than she should.

Walking in to the squad room they caught a few detectives and uniforms watching the news on the big screen. A clip of Jeremy Mann shaking hands with some people on the street was playing and then they cut to an image of the commissioner. Liv didn't even want to think about what was going on at 1PP at the moment, they must be frantic.

As promised Amaro had left the documents that needed to be signed in a neat pile on her desk and she asked Fin and Amanda to have a seat. It took them no longer than a minute to sign them and Fin said they could drop them off down at the court on their way home. That would mean one less assignment for Liv so she accepted the favor. She sent them off by telling them to sleep in tomorrow as they had the day off.

**There wasn't much left** of the night when they finally got home. They'd stopped to pick up food on the way but ended up eating it right there on the curb. He'd been happy to see her with some appetite and since he was hungry himself he took her up on her suggestion to just chow in straight away. When they were both stuffed they slid down in their seats for a bit and watched the Saturday night crowd start to make an appearance on the streets.

For the first time since her sister had died she started to mock some of the people that walked by their car. Not to their faces but to him, and just for fun. She used to have much more bite and be a bit crueler in her judgment on where the people came from, where they were heading and what they were thinking, but she still made him laugh a lot. She had such a good eye for picking up quirks and oddities in their appearance or outfits. Things he didn't see until she pointed them out. She wasn't on her a-game but he saw it as a good sign that she tried and he knew she was out of practice. He could hear on her voice when she started to get tired and he got the car in gear to take them home.

They spend some time in front of the TV but it didn't take long until she said she was going to turn in. He stayed up through the movie they'd started watching but then joined her the moment the end credits started to roll. She was already sound asleep and as far as he knew she slept calmly all through the night.

**They were both still sleeping** when her phone started ringing on the bed stand next to her. Amanda got startled by the sharp sound while Fin barely heard it but was awaken by her sitting up abruptly. She reached for the phone and after just a quick glance on the screen she put the phone to her ear.

"Hello?" she croaked, her voice just as newly awaken as her.  
"Did I wake you?" Miller asked.  
"Oh no, I was just… just relaxing," Amanda said but put her hand over her eyes as she could hear how sleepy she sounded. _Why didn't she just say she was sleeping? And why was he calling? Did he already know she'd ratted him out?_

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't disturb you like this if I really didn't need you…"  
"What's going on?"

The concern in his voice peaked her interest even more and she turned away from Fin as he was disturbing her by gesturing very animated.

"I'm a man short," Miller said on the other end, "it's just stakeout. I could really use you if you're up for it."

Amanda hesitated briefly. _Was he setting her up? Was he planning on taking her out?_

"Where do you need me?" she asked as she got up on her feet and walked towards the bathroom. She had no time to spill.

Fin tried to hide his growl so Miller wouldn't pick up on it but when Amanda left the room he reached for his own phone and sent a quick text to Liv; _Does Miller know? He's calling on A. Hit me back asap._

Fin got up and hurried after Amanda. When he reached the bathroom she was on the toilet with the phone resting on the sink next to her.

"What did he want? You're not going to see him are you?" he asked with great concern.

She shot him a pissed look but it disappeared quickly as she reached for some paper. The phone buzzed on the sink.

"He's sending me an address. He needs me for some stakeout."  
"He does not _need_ you Amanda. You're done with all that now."  
"Tucker won't mind more material. Maybe get some more names even."  
"What if it's a con?" Fin asked and he could tell on her face that she'd already thought about it.

She turned her back on him to wash her hands and do her face as she was at it.

"I'm willing to risk it," she said before she bent down over the sink.  
"Well it's not a risk _I'm_ willing to take," Fin countered, "I'm calling Liv."

He headed back out to call Liv but also to get some pants on, he didn't trust Amanda to not run out of there so he better get clothes on he figured. Liv picked up after the first tone.

"I was just texting you," she breathed in to his ear.  
"Why is he calling her?" Liv asked.  
"He wants her for surveillance, stakeout, something," Fin said shaking his head as he tried to pull on a pair of jeans with just one hand, "He just texted her an address."

"Do not let her go Fin."  
"I think she's going," Fin said knowing how difficult it would be to keep Amanda there if she made up her mind to go.  
"Make sure she doesn't," Liv sounded both angry and stressed, he heard what he thought was a door getting slammed shut.  
"We're talking about Amanda here boss, you know the blonde one that don't really take orders easily…"

He heard her moan loudly in to his ear.

"But what… we can't… what about backup?" Liv sounded very troubled, "She has to wait until we can get a wire on her. Can you at least stall her Fin?"

He knew not to take it personal.

"I can try," he said as he reached for the sweater he'd worn yesterday.  
"Don't let her leave until I call you back. Don't let her leave Fin."

She'd hung up before he had time to say anything else and just then Amanda came walking back in to their bedroom. She'd discarded of her sleeping tee and was only in her panties. He tried not to stare too much but she made it hard for him not to. She'd put her hair up in a ponytail. The tee she pulled over her head got stuck on it and made it go off center. He watched her readjust it and saw those familiar strands of hair fall out and she tried swiping them behind her ear. _Her hair was always so soft_.

"Liv wants you to stay put until she can get you wired," Fin said when he managed to pull himself out of his trance.  
"I can't wait," she said as she pulled a pair of jeans on.  
"You can't go in without a wire Amanda, you know that," he tried reasoning with her.  
"Well she better get here fast cause I'm going as soon as I'm dressed."  
"You're not going anywhere without a wire Amanda," Fin tried to sound as stern as possible.

Amanda didn't even give him a glare but just kept buttoning up her jeans and then walked over to the cupboard to get a pair of socks.

"Why is he so important to you?"

Fin's question made her pause for a second but she found herself quickly and went over to the bed where she had a seat.

"Why Amanda?" he said as he came a little bit closer to her.

She frowned but then shrugged her shoulders.

"I dunno," she mumbled.  
"Does he remind you of your father?"

Again his question rattled her. _When was he ever analyzing? What business was it of his what this man meant to her anyway? Why couldn't he mind his own business?_

"No," she said, giving him an annoyed face.  
"Then what is it? Why would you go running to him the moment he calls?"  
"He's my assignment Fin," she said a matter of fact as she stood back up. She aimed for the door but he stepped in front of her.  
"You're diligent I'll give you that but this is different. Are you in love with him then?"

She could see pain wash over his face briefly. _He was scared that he'd been replaced_.

"No," she answered immediately. _Why would he even ask that?_ She quickly grew angry.  
"What the hell Fin, no I'm not _in love_ with him. What kind of stupid question is that," she shook her head at him as she pushed herself passed him.  
"Is it sexual?" she heard him ask behind her back. She was too stunned to even answer and just continued walking.  
"You want to screw him, is that it?"  
"Fuck off Fin," she threw over her shoulder.

She could see him towering right behind her and she hated the immediate fear she felt even though she wasn't afraid of him. She turned on her heal and stared him down.

"So if he's not a father figure it means I want to screw him, that's your conclusion? Maybe I want to fuck my father? Maybe I _did_ fuck my father? I fucked my father _and_ my mom's boyfriend, no wonder I'm a promiscuous hoo," she threw her arms out in the air as she turned away from him again.

"If you would just talk to me I wouldn't have to wonder," Fin said following her down the corridor. He had only wanted to get her talking but he'd done a better job than he'd aimed for. Now his own concerns were spilling out and this really wasn't the time for that.

"If that's what goes on in your head Fin then maybe I'm the one who should be concern for your sake and not the other way around," she mocked.  
"Maybe that's right," he answered calmly. She stopped and turned to look at him.

"Maybe you should be concerned for me," he said raising his hands slightly on each side of himself. He realized he'd again said something he hadn't meant to say but that was eating away at his insides. He could see all anger had left her face and with every second that passed, his words probably going around her mind, her body lost more and more tension until her shoulders had reached their lowest point possible.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

He shook her off slightly. He didn't want her to apologize. He didn't _need_ her to apologize.

"I never really think about what my actions do to you right," she said as her eyes became glossier.  
"It's okay Amanda, you got a lot going on," he said quickly but remained in his spot.  
"It's not okay, it's not fair on you. Just the other night I…," he saw her bite her lip, "I know that but I still can't seem to stop myself," she said trying to not get all teary eyed and take over the attention again.  
"You've stopped right now," he said with a smile playing over his face.  
"Yeah but…"  
"I know what you mean Manda, don't sweat it, it's nice to hear you say it but don't sweat it."

They both stood silent for a while. She could hear a car honking down on the street, there was a dog barking somewhere in the distance and a neighbor let himself known by dropping something heavy in the apartment next doors. Still she felt completely isolated, and safe, right there with him. She rarely felt safe these days, if ever, but _he_ made her feel that.

"I'll wait here until I'm wired," she said softly.

"Good," he acknowledged and looked down to not let her see the dorky smile that spread across his face. She did things inside of him that made him feel like such a geek but it was still the most incredible feeling. He'd never met anyone who moved him so much as she did. He noticed her feet coming in to his field of vision and he looked back up.

He couldn't really read her face, all he got was calm. She reached up and touched the side of his face and even though he'd seen it on soapy TV and thought it was the silliest thing ever he leaned in to her hand and closed his eyes as he just took in the warmth of her hand. Her hand sneaking up over his chest made him open his eyes back up and he had time to swallow before her lips softly captured his. He felt her soft fingers swiped behind his neck and she pushed him down against her lips. They just held their lips against each other's for a while before she let him go and instead wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned the side of her face against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.

"I have thought of my dad a few times in his presence," she admitted with a whisper.

He had closed his eyes again but now he opened them up and waited for her to say something more.

"They look nothing alike but there's something about his… being, he's quiet as my dad… was. His eyes are darker but my dad used to look at me like that as well… like intense. Like he wanted to say something but didn't dare to."  
"He was a man of few words…"

He felt her nod against his chest. He moved a hand further up and swiped it down over her hair. She just breathed against him for a while.

"There's something else though… Miller makes me nervous," she finally admitted. She had thought about keeping it to herself. Some things were just best to keep to yourself.

"He-"

Fin felt what had cut her off. The phone in his pocket was buzzing and he felt her distance herself from him. He held on to her though.

"He what?" he asked.  
"You should get that," she mumbled.

Fin frowned briefly, he wished the phone wouldn't have rung just then. He saw Liv's name in the window though and put the phone to his ear.

"Yeah?"  
"Is she still there?" Liv asked immediately.  
"Yes, she's still here," he said looking straight in to Amanda's eyes.  
"Good. Ted, the tech guy from Friday is on his way over to yours. I'm going to be there soon as well."  
"Tucker?" Fin had to ask.  
"He's not picking up his phone, I've sent him a text," Liv let him know.  
"Okay, we'll wait for you then," Fin said and heard Liv say bye on the other side.  
"You heard?" Fin asked as he knew Amanda probably overheard everything Liv said. She nodded.  
"So Miller… he makes you nervous and what else?" he couldn't help but try to brush a strand of her hair behind her ear. She shook her head though and the strand escaped again.

"You can tell me," he tried and pushed the strand of hair back behind her ear one more time.  
"I know but… I should get ready, put something else on that is easier to wire," she said as she pulled at her tight, long sleeved shirt. He knew it was just an excuse but still let her go. He watched her descend down towards the bedroom. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder and gave him a shy smile that made his heart skip a beat. _Would she ever realize just how much she meant to him?_

**Ted, the tech guy, knocked** at their door just minutes later. Fin offered him a cup of coffee as Amanda still hadn't come out of the bedroom. Ted was just about to taste his coffee when Amanda emerged and he immediately put his cup down.

"Hi, morning," Ted greeted her a little awkwardly.

Amanda just gave him a smile.

"So I got this for you," Ted said and handed her the earpiece, "and I want to put this on you… somewhere…"

Ted was already scoping her out for a spot to place the wire at. She'd put on a warmer sweater so Fin didn't know if she'd changed her top or not. He asked her if she wanted coffee as well and she said 'yes please' with a face that told him just how much she was in need of caffeine right now.

He handed her a cup while Ted was attaching the wire at the neck of her hood. She turned her head slightly sideways to be able to have a taste. Fin watched her and it was her reaction that made him alert there was a knock on the door again.

Liv walked by him quickly the moment he let her in. He could feel her stress.

"Getting set up, good," she said as she caught sight of Amanda and Ted.  
"Have you heard from Tucker?" Fin asked. Liv nodded.  
"He's driving back to the city as we speak, he want us to hold off…" Liv turned to look at Amanda. She shook her head.  
"I have to go. Now," Amanda said.

Liv looked reluctant.

"Hold on," Fin said and stepped up so he could get both Liv and Amanda's eyes.  
"We have to contemplate he knows right? That she rat him out. What if he's setting her up?" Fin had to put it out there. His worry had grown immensely just these last few minutes since Ted arrived.

"I asked Tucker the same thing and he swears he's not talked to anyone since yesterday," Liv said but her face still looked concerned.  
"Maybe he flagged their files, something that could've raised suspicion?"  
"He swears there's no way for Miller to know she ratted him out," Liv said and looked a bit more determined now.  
"But why would he call on her this close to their last stint," Fin had convinced himself by now that Miller knew and in his mind different scenarios of Miller retaliating against Amanda played over and over.

"Cause he trusts me," Amanda suddenly said.

Both Liv and Fin turned to look at her but she didn't say anything else. She just put down her mug and as Ted was done with the wire she moved towards the door. Fin wanted to stop her, felt a sudden panic that if he let her go now he would never see her again. Liv and Ted followed her towards the door though and Fin hurried after so he wouldn't be left behind.

"Amaro and Winters are on their way, Tucker is sending backup as well. I want you to stay in plain sight," Liv told Amanda as they moved towards the elevator.

"I won't be able to be in plain sight if he wants me to shadow someone," Amanda said.

Liv looked disgruntled. She took a deep breath.

"Okay but don't go anywhere with him if you feel something is off. Just say you have to work or something if you get a weird vibe. I trust you," Liv pierced her eyes at Amanda who could only take it for a split of a second before she turned to push the elevator button one more time.

"I really don't feel good about this," Fin said as he planted himself beside them.

Amanda avoided looking at him but Liv shot him a nervous look. She trusted Fin and figured he might know even better than Amanda what was best for her.

"You know you don't have to do this right?" Liv said turning to Amanda again, "Tucker's not here, we have enough to take Miller down. You _don't_ have to do this."

Amanda seemed to think about it but when the elevator doors opened she quickly stepped inside. Neither Liv nor Fin stepped in after her though so neither did Ted. Fin grabbed the door as it was about to close between them.

"I'm doing this," Amanda said but sounded more secure than she looked.

Both Liv and Fin simultaneously sighed but then Liv stepped in after her. Fin wasn't pleased but he signaled for Ted to step in ahead of him.

They were all parked in the garage. Amanda would drive herself to the address Miller have texted her and Fin would ride with Liv. Ted made sure Amanda's equipment worked and that they could get a clear signal before she got in the car. He gave Liv two transponders and gave her a quick instruction as he wasn't going to come with them. Liv felt stressed as Amanda had already gotten her car started.

Since Miller hadn't said anything about Amanda having to leave her phone behind this time Ted gave them a device on which they could follow Amanda's signal in case they lost track of her. Liv said they wouldn't lose track of her but silently she was still grateful to have it as a precaution. Liv repeated the same words to Amanda as earlier. _Stay in sight if possible. Don't go anywhere with him if you get a weird vibe_. Fin just exchanged a glance with Amanda. He was still convinced this was a bad idea.

Liv let Amanda drive out ahead but told Amanda to wait by the first lights until she had them in her back mirror. As they drove out Liv asked Fin to get a hold of Nick and if they were in route to redirect them to the meeting point. Nick sounded stressed when Fin got a hold of him. Fin learned Keith had just joined him and Nick said he would meet them there. Fin heard his car race up before they hung up.

Liv tailed Amanda's car through the city, letting one or two cars stay between them. Thankfully the meeting point was at a rather open area and Liv was able to park on the other side of a small park and still have eyes on Amanda and her car.

Amanda had only gotten the address texted to her but no directions on what to do when she arrived. She was a little unsure on what to do when she couldn't see Miller or anyone else around so she parked the car by the curb and stepped out to lean against the hood. She couldn't help but scope out the buildings around her and it was hard to stay calm when you were looking for a sniper riffle.

"Hey," the sound from behind caught her off guard and she jumped.

Miller's smile was probably meant to ease her scare but as she rarely saw him smile it didn't do the trick.

"Hey," she managed to say as she turned towards him.  
"You should park it," Miller said with a hand against her hood.  
"Okay…"  
"I'll go with you," Miller said and slipped in to the passenger seat.  
"Just grab one of those," Miller said and pointed further down the street to a small lot that was empty except for a single car.  
"So what are we doing?" she asked as she drove in to one of the marked boxes.  
"I need help stalking this target, Bird has been on his tail since this morning. Blondie was going to help out but he's come down with something, probably a hangover," Miller said and made a frown.  
"You won't have to do anything else though, nothing… violent," Miller said and she saw actual concern in his eyes.

She just couldn't get her head around how he could seem so callous most of the time but yet in brief moments seem so soft and warmhearted._ This was not a crook. This was not someone who deserved to spend the rest of his life behind bars_. She suddenly was filled with great remorse and was happy Miller turned away to step out so he wouldn't see the guilt all over her face. _What right did she have to judge? She'd done bad things. Things that surely should've landed her in jail but yet here she was._

"I'm going to get him after lunch. He always have lunch at this place not far from here so I'll need you to keep an eye on him," Miller said once she'd stepped out of the car as well.  
"He knows me so he can't spot me beforehand. And it needs to go down today, it's the only chance I'll get."

She thought she saw and heard some desperation. It felt as though he craved this and maybe that was it. _Just like an alcoholic craved alcohol this emotionally battered man craved to inflict just as much pain on someone he felt deserved it. But alcoholics needed help, maybe…_

"Do you really have to?"

Miller stopped and looked straight at her.

"I mean if he knows you maybe it's too risky, maybe you shouldn't…" she felt like a coward for backing down, that wasn't what she meant at all.  
"Some things are worth risking," Miller mumbled and started walking again.  
"What did he do?" she said and hurried up to him.

The look she got was as chilly as the air around her and she raised her shoulders even closer to her ears as her hands dug deeper down in to her pockets.

"You don't trust me," Miller said as he looked forward again. She wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement and his words kept turning as they kept walking. _You don't trust me_.

"Okay this is as far as I can go, I'm gonna send you off on your own," Miller said two blocks later.

He told her a name of a restaurant and that it was just up ahead another block.

"Who am I looking for?" she asked somewhat anxiously.

Miller brought his phone up and seemed to flip through some pages.

"This guy," he finally said and held up his phone so she could get a look at the photo. It was a mug shot, she tried to memorize his face but she couldn't help but try to memorize the central booking number as well.

"Got it?" he asked after just a few seconds and she nodded.  
"You can go inside, sit at the bar and wait, that way you won't freeze your ass off and in this neighborhood it will be less suspicious. Get yourself a coffee or something. Bird will call you as they get closer, he can get you details on what he's wearing and stuff like that. Bird will stick around but I want him to pull back cause this guy is skittish, if he sense something he'll run. I _need_ to get him this time."

_There was the desperation again. She felt for him. She could tell how important this was for him._ She nodded.

"He won't be alone when he gets here and they might leave together as well so you follow and you let me know when he's alone, then I can take over. Keep your line clear, we need to be able to reach you," Miller told her and again she nodded. He'd never been this talkative before. Another sign how tense he was, or maybe how important it was for him this guy got punished.

"Okay, go," he said almost like he had to tell himself to let her go. She felt a resistance to leave, _something inside her told her to reassure him that things would be okay even though she knew things wouldn't be. Things would be far from okay._ She felt like giving him a hug, felt like it might be the last chance she would get. But she just turned and walked away from him.

It felt good to get inside, the wind was really chilly today. The crowd inside the restaurant was sparse. She wasn't surprised as it was a Sunday after all. She wasn't familiar with this part of the city but she figured the lunch crowd would pick up in an hour or so. Or perhaps not at all as it didn't seem like an area where people just strolled around. She worried this fact would make her stand out once she followed the target but she tried to push that to the side as a waiter walked up to her.

"Eating alone?" he asked with a smile after he'd greeted her.  
"Can I just sit at the bar?" she asked and gestured that way, "I'm just passing time."

The waiter said it was no problem but his entire demeanor told her he was disappointed he wouldn't get to serve her or _maybe it was just the tip he grieved?_ She walked over to the bar, gave the man behind it a nod and then focused on the coffee menu. She just went with something that was hot and that she figured might come in a tall mug as she would be there for a while. After she'd ordered she hung her jacket, left her beanie on the bar and then snuck in to the toilet in the back making sure to bring her phone with her. She was grateful there was a faucet in there so she could put the water on while she did her business. She figured she might've done a good job covering up what she was doing as Liv's voice came in her ear while she was on the toilet.

"We're parked a few blocks away from the restaurant, not many places to blend in to and we're concerned Miller will see us if we're too nearby."  
"Copy," Amanda mumbled hoping they would pick it up over the running water.  
"We have two cars though and Tucker checked in, he's bringing enough backup to make an arrest when Miller makes his move."

Amanda stopped breathing. _They were making an arrest today. She had already figured but still it felt horrible to hear it out loud. _

"We'll come pick you up the moment you hand over to Miller," Liv let her know, "Tucker talked about making a false arrest on you to cover your tracks but don't worry about that right now, let's just focus on this target. You have a name for us?"

It was easier said than done, all she did was worry right now. She managed to give Liv the numbers she'd seen on the mug shot. Liv said good job and then went quiet again.

Her coffee had been served once she got back to her seat. She'd picked up a newspaper further down on the bar but she let it sit next to her cup for a while as she scooped out the place a second time. She had a pretty good view of both the door as well as the restaurant from where she sat. She figured she would do alright but still every possible scenario went around her head. _What if the target never showed up? What if he caught her looking at him? What if the target never ditched his company? What if she wouldn't be able to present Miller with a good opportunity? What if she made sure there was never an opportunity for him? Could she save him without Tucker finding out? Or Liv for that matter. But did it matter? Tucker already had enough to bust Miller, it was too late for her to save him now._

The guy behind the bar fumbled with some glasses and pulled her from her thoughts. She tasted her coffee while watching him stack them a little bit better than previously. When he was done he walked out through a door behind the bar and Amanda threw a glance at her phone that she'd put up on the bar. No missed messages or calls. The battery looked charged enough but she didn't want to drain it by playing on it so she picked up the paper instead. The black letters quickly became ants on the white paper and she couldn't focus on what she was reading. She tried just looking at the images and reading the bylines but she didn't want to go through the paper too fast so she put the paper down ever so often, checked the street outside while tasting her coffee.

Forty-five minutes passed and the only one she heard from was Liv letting her know Tucker had arrived which didn't calm her one bit. She finally ordered another coffee and added a muffin to her order even though she wasn't in the mood for one but she figured it would be good to eat something as she'd skipped breakfast. Just as she got served her phone started ringing. She excused herself to the waiter and picked up the phone. It was a hidden number but she recognized Bird's voice the moment he started talking.

"We're about five minutes away," he said without any introductions, "he's in a dark blue jacket, black slacks and a beanie. He's with a man and a woman, both almost a head taller than him. She's in heels and a fur coat. Is that enough?"  
"Aha, yeah," she answered.  
"I'll pull back but I'm in the area in case you need back-up as he takes off," he said and then hung up.

"Did you pick that up?" Amanda asked once she'd looked around to make sure no one was watching her.  
"Some of it but not all," Liv came back to her and Amanda tried to hide her mouth in a least suspecting way as she retold the phone call.  
"Got it, I think we actually have eyes on them," Liv said and then added, "Yeah we see them, they're no more than a minute out."

Amanda's phone buzzed in her hand. It was a message from Miller letting her know target was closing in. She feared he was near Liv and the rest of them but then again she wouldn't be disappointed if he got spooked before Tucker made his arrest. _Maybe Miller could go underground? Escape his faith somehow? _

She tried to act as casual as possible, took a bite of her muffin and the slight taste of pecan actually made her relax a little. Memories of her grandma usually had that effect on her, it was only when her sister emerged as well that the memories turned sad. She wished there would come a day when she could remember her sister without getting tears in her eyes. She tried to blink the tears away and straighten up a little.

It didn't take long until she spotted her target walk in. He held the door open for the others that even at first look seemed like a couple to her. The target laughed at something and it was hard to picture he was the same guy she'd just seen in a mug shot. The waiter seemed familiar with them and immediately took them to a table. Thankfully they sat down where it was easy for her to keep an eye on them without making it too obvious. She got a feeling all three of them had been here many times before, something about how they spread their things around and kept their voices high even though there were a few other tables occupied in there. They seemed a little arrogant and she got it proven once they didn't even acknowledge the waiter serving them drinks.

She turned back towards the bar to not make it too obvious she was watching them. She could still hear them with her back towards them and she heard the men joke about someone named Lenny as she had another sip of her coffee. The food would do little to quiet them down. The woman had a high-pitched laugh that sounded so phony it was hard for Amanda to not frown whenever it rippled through the establishment.

Every now and then she found an excuse to turn slightly so she could keep an eye on their progress through the lunch. She sent two texts to Miller during their lunch, one as they ate and then another one as they ordered coffee. She made sure her things were gathered and that she had a bill nearby so she could pay and make a quick exit when it was time. They would drag the coffee out though and she was starting to get restless. She sent Miller another text letting him know they were still drinking coffee.

Finally the couple got up though and started putting on their clothes. Her target hugged them, loudly said goodbye as the couple moved towards the exit. Amanda got a little nervous as the target started to walk further in to the restaurant but she soon saw him come around a wall and walk towards the bathroom she'd visited earlier. She relaxed a little and sent Miller a short text that read that she thought he would walk out in just a little bit.

She kept fixating on her phone as she saw the target come out through the corner of her eye. But instead of heading back to his table he approached the bar. She felt foolish for trying to sit as still as possible, _as if he wouldn't notice her if she moved. How could he not spot her, she was the only one sitting at the bar. _

"Marky Mark, what's up?" the target said as he drummed the bar with his hands.  
"Nothing much, you?" the man behind the bar answered. _Marky Mark? There was no resemblance so she figured it might just be a play on his name.  
_"You know, hustling a little here, hustling a little there," the target said with a loud chuckle.  
"Your usual tricks I hear," Mark smiled.  
"Yeah you know me," the target said and Amanda could hear on his voice he was looking or was turned her way.

She put down her phone and turned to look out through the window. She listen to them exchange a few more words, something about a girl named Hazel and some upcoming party. It sounded as though these two had met outside the restaurant a few times.

"Gotta bounce Mark," he finally said and she heard him drum the bar disk again.  
"Later Aldo," Mark said after the target.

_Aldo. It suited him but she didn't know why she thought that or why that was even important right now. She wondered who he was though and what he'd done. If Soldier wanted him then he really must be a bad guy._

She looked over at Mark to get his attention and when he approached she asked how much she owed him. She had figured she would just hand him the bill, not worrying about overpaying but Mark turned to walk back to the cash register behind the bar. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Aldo putting his jacket on. She could tell the waiter was there though so she hoped he would stall him for a bit. Mark was taking his time at the register though and she gathered her hat from the bar as she saw Aldo move towards the exit. She heard the door open as Mark turned back towards her.

"Keep the change," she hurried to say after she'd made sure the bill she had up would cover the charge. She looked back over her shoulder to see Aldo take a right outside the door. He didn't look like he was in any hurry so she calmed down a bit and put her jacket on while watching him walk off outside the large glass windows. She grabbed her phone and hat and went outside. She had to tell herself to stay calm as she caught Aldo leaning against the wall right next to the restaurant. He'd just lit a cigarette, his eyes directed her way. She put her beanie on, shivered at the cold breeze and closed her jacket up. She thought about going the other way but he'd obviously seen her, perhaps even waited for her, so there was no way she could stalk him unseen now. She was already turned his way so she just started walking as she pulled down her beanie. He had his eyes fixed at her and cocked his head at her as she passed. She shot him a shy smile but kept walking. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him push off from the wall and he came up on her other side.

"Want a smoke?" he asked holding his pack out to her. She looked at the box for a few seconds.  
"Nah trying to quit," she said, winked her eyebrow at him before she focused back up ahead.  
"How's that working for you," he said and had a sly smile over his face as she glanced his way.  
"Sorry, I shouldn't tease you, I should applaud you," he said and shoved his pack back down his pocket, "I've tried myself, know it's not easy."

She nodded and smiled his way. He kept walking beside her. Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she brought it up. She recognized Miller's number in the window.

"M?" Aldo questioned. She tried to not show how much she disliked him for looking over her shoulder but was grateful she'd saved Miller's number under just M.

"Yeah M," she muttered as she came to a halt on the curb. It took Aldo a step or two to react and he ended up away from seeing her phone. She read Miller's short text. He was wondering what was going on.

"I take it M is not popular?" Aldo guessed.  
"Not popular," Amanda repeated as she texted Miller. "_I'm with him heading south east_"  
"What did he do?" Aldo asked as she kept walking.

She gave him a glare. He must've been entertained by it as a grin spread over his face.

"He stood me up for lunch," Amanda said with a heavy sigh.  
"No way, he stood _you_ up," Aldo, overplaying his astonishment. She shot him a cheeky smile.  
"Unbelievable right?" she said with equally played irony.

Aldo snickered and took another drag from his cigarette. The smoke traced his face and sneaked through the black strands of his hair. He'd left the beanie off as he went back out. _While looking at him she had time to think he wasn't handsome exactly but he had something that she figured could lure women to him. Charisma perhaps. She tried to focus back on the street ahead, tried to figure out how she could make this work as she didn't want to fail Soldier._

"So where you heading?" Aldo asked.  
"Dunno thanks to this asshole," Amanda said making a face and holding up her phone.

Aldo snickered. A car honked somewhere behind them and it gave her an opportunity to throw a glance over her shoulder. The car disappeared around a corner and the car the driver had seemingly honked at also drove away from them. The street was completely still, no sign of either her squad or Soldier. It felt really eerie in this area and she realized there were no shops or restaurants around here. It looked like an area with just offices.

"So you had hoped for more than lunch I take it…" Aldo said. She glanced at him from underneath her beanie but couldn't really read his face. _What was he asking?_

"Could be…" she answered a bit cryptic.

Aldo hummed, pulled another drag while looking around. _She thought she had a hunch where this was going. _

"So how about it…" he said and she couldn't help but giggle as she looked at him. His tongue was resting against his lip, a predatory look in his eyes as he let them drop down her body. _Subtle he wasn't._

"What?" she let out trying to sound a bit shocked as she tried to control her laughter.  
"Oh c'mon, you feel it too, I can tell," he said with a smile.

He looked a little offended when she gave him a confused look.

"So I'd want to jump in the sack with you after knowing you for all…" she gestured backwards, "Two blocks?"  
"Hey, that's a longer acquaintance than most of my Tinder hookups," he said and it made her burst out laughing again. She wised up quickly though and shot him a look.

"You know you want to," he said holding out his hands to expose his front to her. She checked him out from head to toe.  
"You live around here?" she asked.  
"No, not really," he said a bit troubled as he let his hand go through his hair. She wasn't sure what the nervous gesture stood for.  
"Do you?" he asked.

She shook her head. He looked even more disappointed as he looked around a little desperate. She looked back from where they came from, hoping to find Soldier lurking nearby but either he was very good at hiding or he wasn't back there. No one was around so this would be a great place for Soldier to actually make his move. Across the street she saw what she thought was a gaping alley and she stepped out in to the street.

"C'mon," she said waving him with her. He looked stunned but that quickly changed to pleased as he saw where they were heading.  
"For real," he breathed but seemed to regret even asking and grabbed her hand to pull her with him even quicker.  
"I'm just gonna…" she said and pulled her phone up, "Let me turn this off, he's going to call…"

She rolled her eyes at him.

"You can send him a pic of me afterwards," he snickered and she smiled at him.

She hurried to send her position to Soldier and wrote ASAP in another text. She pushed her phone down deep in her pocket as she walked in to the alley after him. There was no sun out today which made the alley even murkier than usual but still the view in from the street was a bit too public for their plans. Further in stood a container and without any words spoken they aimed for it. He let her pass him and she giggled with a bit of played excitement as she put her back against the wall. She tried to not seem stressed as the first thing he did was pull down the zipper in his pants.

"Come here," she breathed hoping he would slow things down if she got him closer to her.  
"Must be my lucky day," he whispered as his mouth closed in on hers.  
"Must be," she mumbled as his lips came down on top of hers.

His tongue came out quickly and entered her mouth. His leg came in between her legs and pressed upwards all while his hands pressed her shoulders back against the wall. A wave of pleasure washed through her. It quickly disappeared though as he was way too eager. His tongue was evasive and his pressure against her quickly turned more painful than enjoyable. He pulled her beanie off and grabbed a hold of her ponytail. She thought he was going for another way to hold her down but instead he ripped the rubber band out and he let her mouth go. For a few seconds he seemed mesmerized by her hair and let his hand run through her strands a couple of times.

"I always loved blondes," he smiled as he pinned her down with his eyes.  
"Lucky me," she smirked. He snickered.  
"So damn cheeky," he smiled right before his mouth crashed down over hers again.

She tried not to frown as his tongue invaded her again. His hand went for her jacket, started pulling at it and her buttons gave way one at a time. He grouped her viciously, squeezed her breast way too hard which forced her to pin her eyes shut for a second. Once she was able to open her eyes again she had to blink away tears. Panic started to set in as she saw no sign of Soldier. Her vision was restricted with his mouth plastered over hers but she figured she would at least see a shadow if he was on his way in to the alley but she saw none.

She gasped for air when he finally let her mouth go but she didn't have time to get her breathing under control as he started working his way down her body. He tore her shirt up and she frowned as she felt his tongue leave wet streaks all over her stomach. Her hands were resting on top of his head and she fought an urge to latch on and rip his scalp off. She looked out towards the street, no sign of anyone and she turned her eyes up towards the sky for a moment. She found herself actually begging to God that someone would come help her out of this mess.

Aldo's hand was underneath both her shirts, sliding in underneath the wire in her bra and she gasped again as he squeezed way too hard. She felt Aldo snicker against the lower regions of her stomach, he probably thought she was enjoying his manhandling. He was tugging at her pants. His hand went in between her legs and he yanked her ass off the wall to press his face hard in to her crotch. She was watching her hand latch on to his hair. She wanted to push him off, to knee him, but both her body and mind felt frozen in time and all she could think was _It's happening again. It's going to happen again. And you deserve it. _

She spotted his shadow on the ground first and her eyes quickly moved up to meet the now familiar dark ones. She was happy to see him but felt completely overwhelmed by the situation and fear was written all over her face. Soldier looked mad. More mad than she'd ever seen him. He wasn't wearing any disguise. She saw him raise an empty bottle to his side and she instinctively let go of Aldo's hair to get her hand out of the way. Soldier shot her one more look as he raised the bottle even higher and she knew to shy her head away sideways as the bottle started crashing down.

She felt Aldo's head bounce against her just as glass shattered everywhere. She felt some of the splinters hit her bare stomach and they felt like ice cutting her skin. She heard Aldo groan and as she looked back down she saw him grab a hold of his own bleeding skull. He seemed shocked to see the blood as he brought his hand back in front of him. She met his eyes just briefly before Soldier roughly pushed him all the way to the ground with the bottom of his boot. She watched Soldier latch out at Aldo with the broken bottle once he'd landed on his side on the ground. She could feel the rough edges pierce through both fabric and skin as Aldo cried out in pain. Soldier went back in a second time, aiming at his rib cage once more.

"Get the hell out of here," Soldier suddenly roared at her.

She was stuck against the wall though, too stunned by everything to move or even blink.

"Run," Soldier yelled straight to her face as Aldo started to crawl away. She stumbled out from the wall, her eyes going between Soldier and Aldo. Once Soldier saw her moving he turned his focus back to Aldo. Amanda backed up another few steps but stopped as she saw Soldier pull a gun out from underneath his jacket. _No guns. Absolutely no guns. That's what he'd said. Why did he pull a gun?_

She heard the sounds of tires coming at them in high speed before she saw them. She was in the middle of the alley now, facing outwards, and she saw the first car make an abrupt stop out on the street. Another car came to a shrieking halt right behind it and she thought she must be imagining it but she heard Tucker cursing somewhere in the distance. Another car came to a just as a shrieking halt and seemed to even hit the first car that blocked their entrance to the alley. Behind her she heard Aldo whimpering and everything felt like it started to go in slow-motion.

"Police," she heard someone yell from the street.

She looked back at Soldier and met his expanded eyes as he rose back to his feet. He held the gun with his left, the broken bottle still in his right hand with blood dripping from it. Soldier looked beyond her and saw the commotion out on the street. He raised his gun in the air and fired a single shot. The shot made her flinch and she turned back towards the street. She saw Tucker, Liv and some others duck down. All but Liv backed out of the alley.

"Don't shoot, don't shoot," Tucker yelled aimed at the backup he'd brought. They'd brought up their guns and Tucker feared Amanda would get in the line of fire if they fired back right now.

Amanda turned back to Soldier. His expression had changed, he looked collected again, a calm resting over him. He kept his front towards the threat out on the street as he backed up around Aldo. He pointed his gun at him.

"This is for Sandy," he said aimed at Aldo that looked up at him with a pitiful face, "And for Kevin."

She only had time to raise her hands slightly, Aldo only time to get to _please don't k-_ before the shot rang off. It hit Aldo right between his eyes and he plumped down immediately. Her eyes were stuck on Aldo but she could see Soldier's feet turn and starting to run out of her sight further in to the alley.

Everything was still in slow-motion for her, the shot still ringing in her ear and a million thoughts had time to travel through her head as she tore her eyes off Aldo, shoot Soldier's back a quick glance before turning her head back towards the street. Only two thoughts lingered as she locked eyes with Liv out on the street. _I'm sorry_ and _This is all my fault_. Even though they had quite a distance between them and no words were said she could see how much Liv pleaded for her to just come out of the alley. But she knew she couldn't do that and her feet took off after Soldier even before she'd turned her head.

"What the hell is she doing," Tucker grunted to Liv's side as he got back up on his feet.  
"Go, go," he said to some of his men to get them to take off, and then yelled after them, "Remember she's unarmed."

Liv could tell they wouldn't catch up to them on foot though. Miller might not look like a fast runner but she saw that not even Amanda caught up to him as he disappeared around a corner and Amanda disappeared just moments after him while their backup just entered the alley.

"Tell me she's taking him down," Tucker growled at Liv. She wasn't sure what to say though, to her it looked more like she was fleeing _with_ Miller but she hoped she was wrong.

"It won't be my fault now if she gets herself killed," Tucker said and Liv had to hold Fin back.  
"C'mon," Nick yelled, he was already back by his car.  
"Let's go," Liv said to yank herself out of her daze. She wasn't really sure what was going on.

Tucker told the idiots, that's what he called them, that had made such a clumsy stop in front of the alley to stay with the body as he stepped over to his car.

Another shot rang out and Tucker tried to get a hold of the two men he'd sent after Miller and Amanda. One of them came back over everyone's frequency, letting them know Miller had fired at them and they had been forced to take cover but was in pursuit again. They got intel on what street they were on and Nick, who was in the first car, put his foot to the gas the moment he'd taken the corner. Two streets down they caught the two policemen just as they ducked in to another alley. Nick speeded pass it and took the first right. He was caught by surprise, and so was apparently Keith as well as he let out a shriek in the passenger seat, as first Amanda and then Miller suddenly ran straight out in to the street right in front of them.

Nick stepped on the break to not run over Amanda. He was able to lock eyes with her just before Miller aimed a shot at them. Nick put the car in reverse but realized Miller hadn't aimed straight at them but instead shot out their tire. He'd noticed in the alley as well that Miller had fired above his head. He wasn't out to kill cops, he had too much respect for fellow cops.

Fin skillfully maneuvered to the side to not crash in to Nick's rear as he came flaming backwards. Nick quickly came to a halt though as Miller and Amanda took off across the street. Tucker came out of nowhere all of a sudden and looked dangerously close to ramming both Amanda and Miller as he blocked their path in to another alley. Miller had yanked Amanda by the arm to get her away from the danger and they seemed to still hold on to one another as they retracted back and in to a café.

The only two customers were still seated at their table while the cashier had started to move towards the door to find out what the noise had been about. None of them seemed that rattled until they caught eyes of the gun in Miller's hand. The woman at the table let out a yelp as her hands went in the air. Her company held up his hands as well, as did the male cashier.

"Get out," Miller said to the couple at the table as he held his gun at the cashier.

"Anyone else in here?" Miller said looking towards a door behind the counter. The young man nodded, obviously scared speechless. Amanda helped guide the couple towards the door. They took off running the moment they got out, got startled by the many cars and ran the other way as they had no way of knowing they were cops.

"Back there?" Miller guessed and the man nodded.  
"How many?"  
"J-just o-one," the man stuttered.  
"Call him out here," Miller said.  
"C-Cynthia," the man called out.  
"What-" the woman said walking out but went quiet and stopped in her track as she caught sight of them.

"We don't have much money," the woman uttered.  
"It's not a robbery," Miller said calmly.  
"Is there a back door back there?" he asked cocking his head towards where the woman had exited from. She nodded.  
"Is it locked?" he asked and again she nodded.  
"Good, then get out of here," he said and gestured with his gun towards the door.

Both the male and female cashier looked shocked as well as relived as they hurried towards the door. Amanda held the door open for them and then closed it behind them.

"Barricade it," Miller said as he disappeared behind the counter.

She caught sight of Liv waving the cashiers over towards her as a car she suspected belonged to them drove quickly passed the window to make a stop on the other side of the café. Amanda pulled a chair in front of the door, put the back underneath the knob but decided it wasn't enough and went to check if a glass storage with pastries was movable. It was heavy but she managed to move it slightly.

"There's no need for that, the chair will do," Miller said walking back out.

He went to fetch a drink from the counter and once he'd twisted the cork of a bottle he emptied half of it in one go. He let out a satisfied breath as he lowered the bottle. He raised his eyebrow at her and she nodded. Next thing a bottle was tossed at her and she mimicked Soldier. She got why he'd looked so pleased after the drink, it did wonders after such a sprint.

"Better get out of sight before the snipers get called in," Miller said both looking and sounding strangely calm and he moved towards the back again. She threw a glance over her shoulder, took one last look on the activity out on the street before she headed further in after him.

It looked like any other back room at any of her many odd jobs trying to pay her way through college and then the police academy. Small and murky with nothing to inspire the poorly paid employees. She spotted a chair stacked up underneath the knob on the door back here as well. Not a single window in sight but the air was somehow still fresh and somewhat cool which both of them needed as the quick sprint now caught up with them after the adrenalin started to wear off. Soldier's breathing was heavy and he'd plumped himself down on a chair. Her breathing wasn't that strained but she was still in need of deep breaths as she watched Soldier and waited for his next move. He suddenly started chuckling and she had to smile. His entire body shuddered where he sat hunched forward, leaning his elbows against his legs. He sat up and swiped his hand over his scalp, pretended to have to flick the sweat off and winked at her.

"I knew there was a reason I should've never quit the gym," he said once the laugher had subsided.

She wanted to tell him he was fast, that she was impressed but she couldn't get the words out.

"Oh well," he said and his shoulders dropped a bit as he exhaled.

He suddenly looked a little sad and he diverted his eyes away from her like he didn't want her to see the sadness. He started to pull his jacket off and switched hands on the gun so he could pull it completely off and then he just tossed it towards one of the walls.

She felt hot as well but she couldn't move.

"_Amanda_," she heard in her ear. It was Liv.  
"_Please come out of there_," she begged.

Amanda watched Soldier release the clip of his gun and he seemed to count the bullets that remained. He pushed it back in and shot her a weak smile.

"What are you gonna do?" she asked with barely a whisper.

"What can I do," he said with a shrug.

_Surrender. Go out blasting_. Her words seemed to have gotten lost again but maybe it was for the best. If she knew him well enough he already had a plan. Maybe this wasn't part of the initial plan but he probably already had rearranged it.

"You didn't wear a disguise," she said.

He looked back up at her and again, there was the smile. He took a deep breath and then had to put in a lot of effort to get himself up off the chair. He looked a little hesitant on what to do but found a board on the wall that he turned to look at. He fingered a couple of postcards that was pinned on it.

"Who's Sandy?" she asked after studying him for a while.

She could tell his eyes went distant as he took in her question but he snapped out of it rather quickly and turned his head towards her.

"She was the little girl he killed during a home invasion," he said with a mechanical voice and the blackness in his eyes made her shiver. She wasn't able to breathe until he turned to look at the board again.

"And Kevin's your son," she said out loud as it dawned on her. She couldn't understand why she hadn't made that connection earlier in the alley.  
"Kevin's my son," he repeated sounding just as distant.  
"You didn't mind Aldo seeing your face," she said, tears forming in her eyes. Soldier shook his head.  
"Why?" she asked even though she was afraid of the answer.

His head sunk, eyes going to the floor but he didn't say anything.

"You should probably head out, just keep your arms up, you'll be fine," he said, sounding rather defeated and he turned his back to her.  
"What? No," she breathed.

He turned to look at her. She shook her head at him a bit franticly. A tear spilled and she hurried to wipe it off her cheek. Her breathing felt more strained now than after the rush. They looked at each other for what felt like forever.

"_Amanda_," she heard in her ear but it was easy to ignore as all she paid attention to was the pain in his eyes.  
"I busted him six months ago," he finally said, "He and a friend, a home invasion turned grizzly. No one should've woken up but things go sour. They beat the parents, the older girl, tied them up. Out walks Sandy and a single shot later and there's no more Sandy. They get away with no more than a few hundreds in cash, some family heirlooms and a car. We get them thanks to his partner flipping some of the stuff at the pawn shop. Partner squeals, we know Aldo's the shooter and we track him down. I get a chance to pound him, I saw that little girl lying in a pool of her own blood still hugging that teddy of hers, and I know he deserves a good beating. He's even cocky enough to antagonize me but I know better. Most often anyway. I faltered in the past, bad guys can get off when you falter but not this time. I do things by the books but what do you think happens…"

"He walked," she guessed and he gave her confirmation by nodding, folding his eyes down to try and hide the pain in his eyes.  
"We could've gotten him," she said.  
"He was mine, and I tried but failed. A while back. Maybe I was sloppy. He had friends, they made me, gave me a good lashing. He threaten me on the job. My bad. My problem to fix."

_She felt bad for him. Wish she could've been there for him. That she'd known. Maybe he'd been hurt without letting anyone know. She should've known_.

"You meant to kill him?" she had to ask as she wasn't sure.

She'd started to think it was a suicide mission but then she realized he couldn't have known IAB would interrupt so maybe he didn't plan to die after all. He looked up but she couldn't read the answer in his eyes.

"I dunno," he answered after a reflective pause.  
"You brought the gun," she said cocking her head at the weapon he was still holding on to. He looked down at it and nodded.  
"It's your service gun," she stated and again he nodded. She waited for him to look back up before she continued.  
"If you used that you know you'd be caught," she said. Again he nodded.

"CASH MILLER."

The words coming from a megaphone outside made both of them jump. Miller instinctively squeezed his gun tighter.

"My name is Lieutenant Tucker, I want to talk to you. I'm going to call your phone, please pick up."

Soldier's eyes went to his jacket by the wall and Amanda followed them there. They waited with tense anticipation and it didn't take long until his phone started buzzing. He glanced her way before he walked over and picked his jacket up. He searched it for the phone and brought it up to look at the numbers on the screen. She wasn't sure why he did that or why he started looking around the room. She wasn't sure if he found what he was looking for or not but then he put the phone on the ground and twice the heel of his boot crashed down on top of it before the buzzing stopped. He kept stomping at it a few more times and then kicked the pieces away.

"You don't want to talk to him," she asked, a tremble on her voice. He shook his head.  
"I don't talk to IA trash," he said and took a few steps over to the door to peek outside. It didn't look as he saw something to be alarmed about and he pushed the door almost shut before he turned back around.

She took a deep breath, tried to swallow a sob and wished she'd never talked to IA trash either.

"Cash Miller, don't make this worse, please come out with your hands over your head."

Tucker's voice sounded even more appalling through the megaphone.

"What are you going to do?" she asked when Soldier didn't even flinch.

He didn't say anything. She wasn't sure what to do and just watched him walk up to the board again. He seemed to be going for one of the postcards again but then suddenly turned away from the board.

"You should leave now," he said after taking a deep breath.  
"What are you going to do?" she asked again, desperation even more evident in her voice now.  
"It's time for me to go," he said.  
"What do you mean by go? No. Why?"

She didn't want to know what he meant by it, she wanted to grab on to him, shake him, but her feet seemed stuck.

"Leave me," he said and she thought, or at least hoped, it was sadness she heard in his voice.  
"I don't want to," she said.  
"You have to," he immediately answered. His eyes kept avoiding hers. She felt desperation grew inside of her. _What could she do to stop this? What could she do to have him let her stay? Or to go with him?_

"It's me. I set you up. I've talked to IAB. I'm wired right now. I'm the rat," the words just flooded out of her.  
"_Amanda stop_," she heard in her ear but she quickly dug the earpiece out and tossed it.  
"I'm to blame. I'm so sorry. I can see now that you actually do good. I wish I'd never-"

A sob escaped up her throat and she lost her speech. She felt stupid for choking now.

"P-please for-forgive me," she stuttered.

He still refused to look at her and she charged him in a desperate attempt to at least make him look at her. She almost reached him but then his arm went up and she almost got the gun pipe pressed up against her forehead but managed to stop just inches from it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she closed her eyes.

She found some gratitude in the fact the bullet would end her misery quickly. _No torture for days down in a bunker. No suffering. It would all just be over. Finally_. Nothing happened though and she slowly opened her eyes back up. All she saw first was the pipe but she refocused her eyes and found herself staring straight in to Soldier's just as black eyes.

"Why?" he simply asked.

Her face crumbled. She wasn't sure how to answer that.

"Why?" he asked again. She swallowed hard.  
"I got no excuse…" she shrugged but she could tell he still waited for her to give him a better answer.  
"I… I got caught doing something… something I shouldn't have done. My job was in jeopardy. You saw me… at the bar, they already had you under surveillance so they planted me back in there…"

His face had been blank but she could tell he was softening. The gun slowly started to descend but that wasn't what she wanted. She grabbed a hold of his hand, put the gun against her chest.

"Please, just end this," she begged, "Kill me. I can't take it. I should've never betrayed you. I should've told him no. I should've said no so many times."

By now she didn't care about the tears rolling down her cheeks. _She knew it was asking a lot but she wanted him to kill her. He had the right to. He must hate her. _

Her hands were shaking around his hand but she did her best to hold it near her heart. _She didn't want to suffer. She just wanted to die._

He put his hand over hers though and slowly started to loosen her grip.

"No, just kill me," she begged.

He shook his head though, continued to tear the gun out of her hands. She tried getting a new grip around his hand or his arm but he held the gun away from her, put his other hand against her shoulder to hold her back.

"It's okay," he said, a soft smile spreading across his face.  
"No, it's not okay. I failed you."  
"Amanda… you didn't fail, you actually succeeded," he gave her a wink.

His sympathy only made her feel more miserable though.

"You don't deserve to go to jail, what you do is-"

He moved his hand over her shoulder and pulled her in to an embrace. Deep sobs rippled through her body as she buried her face in his strong chest.

"You're okay," he whispered against her hair. His somewhat clumsy hand patted her back. He was obviously not used to such blunt affection but right now this hug was the best one she'd ever gotten. His hand stroke her back a few times, visited the back of her head before he went back to patting her again.

"You'll be fine," he said as he started separating himself from her.  
"I'm not fine, I'm a mess," she sniffled, keeping her eyes shamefully hidden from him.  
"Listen to me, hey, look at me," he got stricter with her, made her look at him.  
"You've been through hell and back. Your sister getting murdered. You caught the killer but it came at a great prize. Not many come back from something like that but you did. _You did Amanda_. Setbacks are expected. Doesn't mean you're weak or a failure. Something like that alters you, grief, pain, it all alters you. Lean on those who care about you, don't be afraid of asking for help. Trust them. Heal."

She listened to every word he said. Took his words to her heart. These words coming from him meant everything to her.

"You can heal as well…" she whispered when she realized he'd said all that he wanted to tell her. He slowly shook his head.  
"I was never meant to heal…"  
"But… you can make a deal, he thinks you're taking orders from someone above. If that's-"

He shook his head.

"This was my idea. You tell him that. I started this, it has been my baby from the start. I pulled the guys in as my desire grew. They've done the deeds but I called all the shots, I gave the green light to every operation we've pulled. This was all me. Make sure you tell him that."  
"You can tell him…"  
"No, I can't, I'm not going to jail…"  
"No," she mumbled in disbelief, "You can't…"  
"This has always been the plan. My plan. The anniversary of their deaths are coming up. I sat with my gun exactly one year after, nothing seemed worth it but then this news reporter talks about some vigilant in… I think it was Ohio. I don't even remember what he'd done but revenge, that got me thinking. We'd caught this repeat offender, his fifth DUI. He came close to killing someone this last time. I broke both his arms, told him to never get behind the wheel again. That took him off the street for the length of his convalescence at least. _That_ made me feel good. The grief was always there though. But I made it a second year, a third, I kept saying next year. Next year I would join them. This has always been my destiny."

"No it doesn't have to be. If I can heal, you can heal."  
"I don't _want_ to heal. I want to be with them."  
"I want to be with my sister."  
"No, you want to live Amanda, you just have to find a good way of doing so."  
"I can't live with this guilt. I forced you to this place. I-"  
"Stop. Listen," he made sure he had her eyes before he went on, "I forgive you."

She shook her head, could barely see him through the tears that started dwelling out of her eyes again.

"I. Forgive. You. This day was coming, it was always coming. I'm actually glad it's finally here. I went… I crossed the line a few times. The guy today I don't count though, a life for a life. I have no regrets over him but there have been times. And McTavish, I should've never recruited him. Should've kept a better eye on him."

"You kept an eye on me…"  
"I did a better job with you didn't I?" he smiled.  
"You did a great job. Please walk out with me…"  
"I can't…"  
"Please-"  
"Stop. Don't make me regret forgiving you," he said looking serious. She got nervous, she didn't want him to hate her. He spotted it and touched her cheek briefly but fondly.

"Just kiddin'," he winked but quickly wised up.  
"Now go," he said and pushed her away slightly. She pushed back though, shaking her head no.  
"Amanda, I know what your dad did, I don't want you to see this."  
"Then don't do it."  
"I've told you… I have to."  
"No."  
"Yes. Go," he pushed her again, took a step forward to get her further towards the door.  
"I don't want to leave you," she begged.  
"You have to. I'm going, my mind's made up. Nothing you do, nothing you've done, could've changed this outcome. Just remember that. Our score is settled. I hold no grudges against you. I've forgiven you but I need you to do something for me now… you have to go."  
"I can't…"

Soldier shook his head. He'd started to sweat slightly, couldn't cope with much more now. _He couldn't lose his nerve, not now. He wanted to go home, see his family again. He hated to do this in front of her but if she gave him no choice_. He raised his gun to his head.

"No, no," she cried.

His gun dropped slightly, watching her with scared eyes.

"I'm _not_ your dad," he said.  
"Your dad was a fool for leaving a daughter like you behind," he touched her cheek, glimmer starting to form in his eyes.  
"Go," he said brusquely and pushed her harder. He tried blinking away the tears. _He couldn't be weak right now_.  
"Please," she begged.  
"Go," he repeated just as brusquely.

She couldn't move.

"Turn around Amanda," he said looking at her strictly.  
"Turn. Around."  
"Please don't do this. It's my fault."  
"It's not your fault. I put myself in this mess. Now you have to stop this," he wanted to be stricter but he hated to see the distress on her face.  
"Please listen to me. Turn around."

She felt petrified to the point she couldn't move. She was clearheaded enough to knew turning around would be like killing him so she couldn't make herself for that reason either.

"Turn around," he said, took a step closer to her and pushed her shoulder roughly so she spun to one side.  
"I'm sorry," he immediately said, he could tell he'd hurt her and it was the last thing he wanted to do. He knew offing himself in front of her would probably scar her but he could not risk letting the police get to him and disarming him. They could storm in any minute and he didn't want to kill innocent police officers either.

"You have to turn around now," he said slowly.  
"Please don't," she kept mumbling but her feet started to move.

They moved just barely, slowly bringing her body away from him. She kept her eyes on his as long as she could. He didn't look scared, or angry. He looked calm, at peace and she tried to take that in but at the same time all she could think was _please don't leave me_. She came to a point when she couldn't turn her neck anymore and when she let go of his eyes she let out a slight gasp.

"Please don't do this," she begged, louder now.

She was facing the opposite direction, she had trouble breathing. Just waiting for that sound was unbearable and it seemed to go on forever. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears dwelling out through her eyelids.

"Please don't," she managed to stutter.

"I'm sorry," she heard behind her back and the next moment the loudest gunshot she'd ever heard rang out and the echo immediately bounced around the room, pounding her eardrums and her skin. The blood splatter all over her back felt like a breeze to her, so harsh it even had her wavering. Even over the echo she heard the thump of his body hitting the ground and the next moment a metallic clank as the gun fell out of his hand. She managed to pull a deep, ghostly inhale, filling her lungs with the slight smell of iron hanging in the air. It would be a smell that lingered for days. She felt her legs give way and her knees hit the floor harshly. A long, outdrawn cry started deep down in her gut and came out sounding as some animal dying in a deep, dark wood in some grizzly storybook.

**She was so deep in shock** she didn't notice the door getting flung open and her squad bursting in with drawn guns. There was no question Miller was dead but Nick still went to kick the gun further away from him. Fin and Liv quickly found their senses and rushed over to Amanda. Fin put his hand on her back but immediately pulled it back feeling a little disgusted by the mix of blood and brain matter coming off her jacket. Liv noticed as well as she'd aimed to stroke the detective's hair but found it colored red. They helped out to get the jacket off her all while Liv tried soothing her with soft words that things would be okay, that she wasn't alone and that she would soon be out of there. Nick had removed his own jacket and handed it to Fin so he could drape it over Amanda's shoulder before they grabbed a hold underneath her arms to try and get her off the floor. She had no capacity to help out and they had to lift her up and literally try to straighten her legs out as they were folded in underneath her. Her limbs felt rigid and both of them were deeply troubled.

"We're going to need an ambulance," Liv said over her shoulder and Nick immediately went back out to see if the already summoned ambulance had arrived or not.

"C'mon Amanda, let's get you out of here," Liv said calmly as she along with Fin started to guide her out of there.

She was barely breathing, her face crumbled in what looked like a mix of both fear and pain. She seemed completely incapable to do anything but Liv noticed how Amanda's eyes started to search back over her shoulder, probably searching for a glimpse of Miller and Liv put her hand to Amanda's cheek, trying to redirect her focus forward.

"Don't look sweetie," she said, "There's nothing to see, he's gone. Look at me instead."

She could tell Amanda had a hard time focusing her eyes.

"That's good, look at me," Liv said once Amanda's finally found hers.  
"We got you Amanda," Liv said.

They'd made it out from the back room, Fin having forced Tucker to step back to give them room to exit. Amanda's legs were still not functioning at any high speed and Fin more or less carried her but he tried to not make that too obvious as he knew she hated to be a damsel in distress, especially in front of others.

The light out there, and the daylight from outside, seemed to bother Amanda's eyes and then she started to protest to go further. She dug her heels in and started to fight them.

"It's okay," Liv soothed, "We can't go back, have to keep moving forward. C'mon Amanda."

Liv had her arm under hers, Liv's hand holding a steady grip around the younger woman's wrist. She felt Amanda twist her wrist out of her grip and Liv feared she had either been hurting her by holding on too tight or that Amanda was making one of her now familiar escapes. She was rather stunned when instead of breaking free Amanda's fingers wrapped around hers and when Liv opened up her palm for her Amanda clung on tightly. Liv didn't know why the small gesture meant so much but suddenly she too was suffering from strained breathing. They wouldn't get much further though until Amanda again started to push back and Fin decided to just pick her up regardless of her feelings. Amanda still clung on to Liv's hand and Liv walked around Fin to be able to still hold on as well. Nick walked back in carrying a NYPD anorak and draped it over Amanda to shield her from all the curious looks.

"The ambulance just arrived," he let them know and together they made it out of there leaving behind Soldier and his mission in a pool of blood.


	21. Chapter 21: Eulogy

Finally. I can't thank those of you who stuck with me enough. Thank you; HeartSkull, Motherofmytwo, FOlover, morbidlymorbid, SVU, svulover, Amanda Fan, emyj, SparrowBones, xoxo, DetectiveObsessed, nooni19, rachelmich80, D, Lil, N, Megzz, 13, BM, tzobanabito, Natsien, windsinger89, silverhaze604, Claire, Nicky Morello, CiarasaSVUaddict and all the guest reviews. Your reviews meant everything.

I hope you enjoy this final installment. Till we meet again - XO.

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**Chapter 21: Eulogy**

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"_All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another."_ ~ Anatole France

* * *

She didn't remember much after that deafening gun shot that had ended Cash Miller's life. When she finally woke from her daze she was tucked in bed, the familiar settings of the bedroom she shared with the person she valued most in this life, a place she usually felt safe in but did little to mend her now broken soul. When Fin finally emerged he had to tell her she'd spent the night at the hospital, doctors giving her something to sleep on, and that they'd made their way home earlier that day.

She had no recollection of that trip home, didn't even care or worry if she'd made it on her own two feet or had been carried. She didn't care for the food he'd placed on the bed stand. Didn't care for the coffee either when it didn't help her get rid of the iron taste still lingering in her mouth. There was no need for the bathroom and no she didn't care about taking a shower, all she wanted to do was sleep and she rolled over to close her eyes to this world she no longer wanted to be a part of.

For three days Fin did everything he could to get her back to the land of living. To get her to at least interact, eat a bit of toast or just answer a simple question like if she wanted the curtains open or closed. The furthest she went was to visit the toilet. Even for that she needed his help. With two hands he had to keep her upright as she on wobbly feet made her way the short distance just once a day.

A toast was the most he got her to eat. And not even at once but small pieces he managed to feed her over the duration of the day. A mouthful of liquid was all she accepted before she clamped her lips shut again.

Liv had said she needed time, doctor Olivet had said the same thing when he talked to her over the phone, so he patiently combed Amanda's hair over the pillow, changed her sleepwear and used the time she sat on the toilet to work her over with a couple of wet wipes. He sat on the bed moisturizing her hands while filling her in about the latest craziness he'd seen on the TV. Not that she seemed interested but he had to keep talking for his own sanity. Sometimes he repeated the same thing as he went to bed as he lacked anything else to tell her.

Liv had visited telling them Tucker had made the rest of the arrests swiftly. Everyone in the vigilance group was apprehended and most of them were already talking. Amanda's name had stayed out of the investigation and Tucker had made sure the one mention of Shay had been taken out statement before signed. Not even hearing, if she even was listening?, that Tucker had taken some heat over the commissioner's son managed to move a muscle on Amanda's face.

The following day Liv came with even more good news. Anton Golov was gone for good. He'd been charged with the murders of Jason and Marion after Andy had rated him out. Anton hadn't taken that betray well and been caught red handed with a gun over Andy's dead body. Barba handled the case and had denied a plea deal. Anton had then changed his tune and was denying the charges which with the hard evidence would lock him up for good. Barba had promised her that.

Again it didn't seem to affect Amanda and Liv tried the other good news. Simon had been transferred. He would no longer be in New York or gain so many privileges. The only reaction Liv got was Amanda closing her eyes and presumably going back to sleep. She shared a concern look with Fin before leaving Amanda be.

Liv kept saying to Fin it was time she needed. All these events - no more assignment under Tucker, Anton out of Amanda's hair and Simon getting transferred far away from her - would surely be weighs lifted off her shoulders once the shock had worn off. With the help of the people around her she'd finally be able to move on. Things would be good again, _you'll see_ Liv said as she gave him another hug in the door as she was leaving.

Fin tried to cling on to that. _Things would be good again_. On the fourth day he did manage to get her all the way to the living room to watch some TV with him. Her nutrition intake increased to some popcorn but then she was quickly asleep on the couch and he ended up turning the TV off and tucking her in right there. He sat for a long time just watching her but no idea popped in to his head on how to get her out of this slump.

Liv did her best to help out, made sure Fin could take the time off to care for his partner and she popped by with groceries or give Fin a break to run outside for a while to pick up some for himself and just catch some air meanwhile.

She'd also had this idea in her head for a while and finally it looked possible to concretize. It involved a third party so she hadn't been able to set it in motion until now but she told Fin they would get a visitor and suggested he took the time to stop by work for a few hours while this visitor stayed with Amanda.

Fin was hesitant to leave Amanda's side but after almost a week together he figured it might do them both good to be apart for a bit. Liv had told him who was coming but suggested they kept it a secret from Amanda. Fin still felt he had to give her warning someone would pop by but Amanda didn't seem interested in whom or why or anything which was normal these days. He did manage to get her to take a shower but once dressed again she just withdrew to the bedroom and buried herself under the cover.

He tried to not let it get to him, tried to just breathe through the frustration and think about the fact they'd got through this before and could do it again. A little help from friends had worked last time so he hoped it could be the case once again.

When the knock came on the door she was still tucked down and most likely asleep. Fin felt a tad bit dumb for not being able to get her up in time but the guest didn't seem to mind to not be greeted by both of them. Fin said he would give it another go and told the guest to feel as home while he was gone.

"Okay, we have a visitor so get up," Fin said and tried to not sound too annoyed as he tugged at her cover.

She didn't even move underneath the cover and as usual that brief moment of fear that he would find her dead took control over him. He pulled the cover down but all he saw was an tangle of blond hair as she was faced down.

"Amanda," he said carefully as his hand searched down the side of her neck to find that throb in a vein that would tell him she was at least alive. He couldn't find it but she was warm and she started to stir slightly while grunting which were the only signs he needed to feel relieved.

"C'mon you have a visitor," he said as he sat down next to her.  
"Tired," she mumbled.  
"Well that won't change if you keep lying around here not eating properly," he let that be all the preaching for now and just stroke her back gently.  
"Amanda," he said and shook her slightly when she stayed still for too long. She grunted again.  
"C'mon I know you want to meet this person… and I need to pop in to the station for a bit, you can't leave him hanging all on his own."

He tried stroking her back a little more roughly and then went to dig out her face from underneath her hair, he had a pretty good idea where she was hiding.

"Did you hear me?" he asked once he had a clearer image of her face, her eyes were still closed, "Liv asked me to check back in to the station for a bit. I'll be gone for a few."

He had perhaps wished she would show some sign of distress over the fact he would leave her. He had always liked her independence but he also liked when she was in need of him, it was a catch 22 he had no intention to solve. He stroked her cheek gently, contemplated just laying down beside her for a bit but they had a guest and he really should be going. He used his thumb to raise her eyelid and the moment the light hit her eye her face crumbled.

"Don't," she grunted and hid her face from him again.  
"Amanda, you have to get up," he said losing a bit of patience and he pulled the cover off her.  
"C'mon, bathroom, splash some water on your face. Clothes are at least clean so you won't even have to change. Maybe pull a brush through your hair though," he said touching her blond mess that made her head look twice as big.

He grabbed a hold of her wrist and sneakily managed to roll her over on her back. She whimpered slightly as she pulled her hand back to use it, along with the other one, to block out the bright light that pierced her eyelids. He didn't let the start of some movement go wasted. It was nothing he would ever brag about but he was starting to get skillful at luring her out of bed and soon had her sitting at the end of the bed.

It took some coxing to get her to stand up and start her slow travel towards the bathroom. The lack of emotions, the almost catatonic state, troubled him more than anything. He would rather deal with her grumpiness or rage than this impassive state. She had always been an emotional person that took things to heart more than she ever gave light to. Right now she wasn't even a frame of her former self, he once again saw the wreckage Simon had left behind.

He tried to shake the thought of Simon off and tried making the bed instead hoping that would prevent her from crashing right in to it the first opportunity she got. He heard the toilet flush and the water get turned on. When he got in there she was still hunched over the washbowl. He grabbed her brush and when she finally rose back up he tried to get through her tangled strands.

"I'm going to head to the station for a couple of hours," he repeated in case she'd missed it earlier, "you have two choices of lunch you can heat up from the fridge. There's enough to treat our guest if you want to."

He tried to look for some thrill or curiosity on her face but her face just remained as still as before. She had water dripping from her face down on her sweatshirt and he reached for a towel that he handed her.

"Don't you want to know who our guest is?" he asked trying to hide the slight frustration he was feeling. She didn't move a muscle, just kept wiping the towel super slowly across her face.

"I think you'll get pleased, someone I think you've missed having around."

Again he saw no interest peak on her face. He'd managed to go through her hair and collected it back to put it in a ponytail. Even though she didn't seem to care one way or the other he made sure the ponytail was centered before he rested his hands back down on her shoulders.

"Ready?" he asked but didn't get a response. She was busy just setting and resetting the towel over the washbowl.

"C'mon," he said and searched down to grab one of her hands. He heard a heavy sigh behind his back as he pulled her out of there. He tried to ignore it and just wished their visitor could get her to smile if only for a second.

"Sorry to have kept you but here we are…" Fin said once they made it around the corner.  
"No worries," the man said as he got up from the couch.

Fin exchanged a quick smile with Cragen before he turned to look if he could catch that smile over her face once she realized their former captain had stopped by for a visit. Her eyes did seemed at least intrigued by the visit as they for a brief moment became larger but it didn't spread to any other part of her face and there certainly was no smile to offer anyone.

"He's come to see you," Fin said shaking her hand a bit hoping it would shake some life in her.

She folded her eyes down, did no attempt to either greet him verbally or give him a hug. Fin felt a little bad for Cragen and wasn't sure what to do.

"C'mon," Fin tried to say under his breath as he pulled at Amanda's hand to get her to at least move closer to their former captain. He could tell on Cragen's face his attempts didn't go unnoticed.

"It's fine Fin," Cragen said with a faint smile, "I haven't been around as I should've."

Fin tried to shake him off a bit, Cragen didn't really have any obligation to them any longer but he also knew Cragen had made some promises to Amanda when he retired. He'd promised he wouldn't be a stranger, that he would make sure Amanda stayed with her therapy as he felt it important for her wellbeing and, with time on his hands after retirement, that he would let Amanda take him on some hikes. As far as Fin knew he hadn't kept any of those promises. They'd gotten a postcard or two since he left, from cruises he'd taken to exotic places. Those have been addressed to Amanda but he'd never showed his face at the station or at their home since he left. As far as Fin knew Amanda hadn't had any contact with him other than those postcards.

"Didn't you have to go in to the station?" Cragen suddenly asked.  
"Well, I, maybe…" Fin wasn't sure what to say, he didn't feel like leaving Amanda right now.  
"We'll be fine Fin," Cragen said reassuring.  
"I promise," Cragen said when he saw the hesitation lingering on Fin's face.

Fin had to hold in a snort at the 'promise' the captain once again gave. The spite was only there for a second though, this was Cragen, the captain everyone still remembered as one of SVU's finest and someone Fin knew had, at least at one point, meant a whole lot to Amanda. Of course he could trust her with him.

"Okay, I'll be back in a few. There's coffee, lunch, just grab what you want," Fin said reluctantly letting go off Amanda's hand as he took a few steps backwards. He made a silent deal with himself to stay put if she looked at him but she kept her head down and he took another few steps away from them.

"Really nice seeing you captain," Fin said flashing a nervous smile over at the former boss.  
"You too Fin," Cragen smiled back, a much calmer smile over his face.  
"You got my number right, if you leave before I… just hit me with a text if you…"

He could hear how overprotective he sounded but he feared letting Amanda be on her own and he also feared for Cragen's wellbeing for a moment. He knew the old man could deal with her temper at least in the old days but what if he wasn't up to bar now? _What if she backed him in to a corner? She'd done so many stupid stunts lately he wouldn't hold it past her but he guessed he just had to trust Cragen could handle it and put up boundaries to keep both of them safe. _

"I'll be here Fin, I'll be here when you get back," Cragen said calmly.  
"Okay, good, that's… good," Fin said and had to finally turn around as he'd reached the hallway.  
"I'll see you then," Fin said a little bit too upbeat and he immediately felt deflated and useless for not doing a better job being chill.  
"You will Fin," Cragen said smiling calmly.

_How could he be this calm? Didn't he remember what bite Amanda had when she aimed for your jugular? _

One more time Cragen answered Fin as he said a nervous goodbye but then finally they could hear the door close. Cragen took a silent breath along with the silence that spread across the room. He watched Amanda. Liv had caught up with him a week or so ago. She'd filled him in what had been going on these last couple of months. He'd been out to sea on yet another cruise with the woman he hoped that he would be able to call his wife in the near future. It felt like a lifetime ago since he'd laid eyes on his detective. He didn't feel bad for living and actually enjoying life but he did feel bad for not doing a better job of checking up on her, he had after all promised he would and he had obviously failed that commitment. He could've at least picked up the phone to give her a ring.

There had been a time when finding her alive had been all that mattered in the world to him and when he'd actually turned to God for a moment and prayed for that to come through. She'd been the reason he'd postponed his already planned retirement, he had to see her walk back in to the station before he could go. And then he had to stick around to make sure she could still hack it being a cop. He would not let her ruin herself just to prove some point.

_Maybe seeing her not just walk back in but actually excel as a cop had made him think everything would just be fine?_ _That he didn't have to worry or check up on her. Whatever his reasons had been back then he did feel bad now. Just because he wasn't her captain any longer didn't mean he'd given up being her friend. _

And now just since Liv had reached out even more things had tumbled down on her. He wasn't surprised to not have been greeted with a hug, a smile would've warmed his heart but no he wasn't surprised. She must be wrecked. She looked frail. Liv had warned him, that she was back in a bad state both physically and mentally. It made him feel even worse for not checking in sooner.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked to break the silence. She shook her head just slightly.  
"Hungry?"

Again all he got was a shake of her head.

"You want to sit down with me for a bit? You know this old man needs to rest his legs as much as possible," he'd taken a step back towards the couch, glad he'd turned slightly so he could hide the embarrassment on his face. Small jokes had never been his forte and he felt stupid for even trying.

"I would love if you had a seat with me for a bit," he said as he sat down at the end of the couch, leaving room for her to hopefully sit down as well.

He felt warm. He'd dressed for the New York winter with a knitted sweater and thick pants underneath his coat. His hat was resting along with the coat on the armchair to his side. He wished he'd left his sweater there as well but didn't feel like undressing in front of her right now.

"Won't you sit?" he asked starting to almost feel sick over the lack of response he was getting.

What if he'd permanently destroyed that good bond he at least thought they once had. He felt a bit of relief once she moved slightly, and not away from him. She didn't aim for the couch though but instead headed for the other arm chair, the one placed the furthest away from him. He tried to not take it personally. He watched her fold her legs up underneath herself and he saw that familiar tug of the sleeves as she pulled her hands in and out of sight.

"Look, I'm really sorry I've been such a no show. I promised I would check in on you and I haven't. There's no excuse for that. I got no excuse."

He could tell he made her uncomfortable which he at least took as a sign that she listened to him. She stirred slightly, stroke back her bangs with her sleeve before going back to squeezing together her sleeve covered hands.

"I hope you've at least gotten my postcards, and you probably know I've been more or less cruising the world since I left New York. Eileen's been by my side this whole time. She's really… meant everything to me."

He cleared his throat, realized he was being way too sappy and surely she had no interest in hearing about how happy he was. She's been to hell and back yet again.

"Liv called me. She reached out, actually a few weeks ago, I wished I'd come sooner. Maybe I could've helped you out with Tucker, I've dealt with him a lot in the past, know how sneaky he can be. He can-"  
"I can take care of myself," Amanda cut him off.

Cragen was a little taken aback by the hostility in her voice but he tried to focus on the fact she had actually spoken to him.

"I know you can Amanda," he spoke softly. She rearranged herself in her chair again.  
"If there's anyone I trust to take care of one self is you. But that doesn't mean one can't need the support of friends every once in a while…"  
"I got all the friends I need," she quickly cut in. She was obviously not going to make it easy for him and he moved up on the couch slightly, feeling the pressure.

"I'm glad," he said as he tried to gather his thoughts. His head had been filled with good and smart things to say while walking over here but now they were all gone.

"Look," he said after having cleared his throat again, "Eileen is becoming a grandmother any day now. Her daughter is going to need quite a lot of help because of, well that's not really important now but what I want to say is that we will be in the city from now on and probably for at least a few years. We're putting the long cruises on hold for a while and I'm going to be around. I'm going to be here, in the city and closer to you. I want to be a friend. I want to be here for you."

He watched her squirm a bit, that familiar dent in her cheek as she bit the inside of it.

"I want to really be here for you and this time I'm going to be true to my word," he added when she still refused to say anything. She gave him a glare. The mistrust clear in her eyes the few seconds she held his eyes. Even through her bangs he could see her face crumble once she bent her head down.

"I just want a chance to redeem myself, to show you-"  
"I don't need you," she spat out. Her tone was hostile but he could tell on her face she was battling mixed emotions.

"I don't need anyone," she added when she realized she was losing the battle, tears building up in her eyes and she quickly got up out of her chair. He saw her sway slightly by the vertigo that hit with getting up too fast but she found herself quickly and hurried out of there. He took a deep breath, tried to steady himself as well. He knew he couldn't take it personal. He also knew he deserved some spite and that some of this probably had more to do with the loss she'd just experienced. Liv had told him, without any judgment, how Amanda had aired some hesitations over what Miller and his crew were up to, that they might not have it so wrong, that bad guys deserved more severe punishment then the law ever gave them.

Liv had also mentioned that she thought Miller had become somewhat of a father figure for Amanda. The latter weigh more on him as he would've much rather stepped in to those shoes for Amanda than let some crooked cop take that on. Especially a crooked cop that chose the cowardly way out and with her in the room at the time.

Cragen sat still for a while, took a few deep breaths for courage before he got on his feet. He'd made that exact same walk down this hallway before, more than two years ago he'd been here to visit his detective as she recovered from her horrifying injuries. His heart felt as heavy as back then. The self-blame and the questions _what could I have done differently, how could I have prevented this_, they all felt familiar now. He spotted the frame with Fin and his son, and the one with Ken on the basketball court. There was a new frame up though and Cragen paused by it. Two fair skinned and blonde haired girls by a field. There was no doubt he was looking at a young Amanda and her sister. He smiled with a heavy heart but then continued his walk down the hallway. He wasn't really sure where she'd gone but he headed for the wide open door at the far end of the hallway. All he saw when he got there was a made bed and a gaping room.

"Amanda?" he said rather quietly taking just a single step inside. He didn't think she was in there and he instead cautiously peeked in to the bathroom. She was nowhere to be found and he looked down the hallway again. He'd passed a room where the door was shut and since he hadn't heard a door shut he found it unlikely she was in there but something still pulled him over there.

He knocked carefully but got no answer.

"Amanda?" he said quietly as he open up the door slightly.  
"Amanda?" he said a little louder as he again stared at a made bed and what looked like a gaping room.  
"Just leave me alone," came a voice from somewhere within the room. She sounded more upset than cross and he just lingered in the door for a bit.  
"I don't think I can do that," he answered as he took a step inside.

He thought he might've picked up a whimpering groan but it could've been his imagination. He looked around for her but couldn't even find her bundled up behind the bed. When he saw the closet door was slightly ajar he pulled closer to it. He just knew she was in there but he had no plan to impose on her. There was a chest of drawers beside the closet and he used it to get down to the floor all while silently thanking Eileen for prompting him to get started with that joint ointment. Once down on the floor he tried to find a comfortable position leaning back against the chest of drawers.

Inside the closet Amanda saw his feet come in to her line of vision and her humiliation grew immensely. _What was she doing in the closet? A grown ass woman still seeking salvation in the closet. Even though their flight to the closet had always been during great distress, fearing for their lives they'd still shared something conquering together in there, this was a place she now felt comfort in._ The scribbling on the wall starting to spread out in there was a testament to that. She ran her fingers over her "artwork" worrying how Fin would feel about her ruining his apartment.

Kim's name was the word scribbled most. Kim had cried in her arms but she'd also laughed, she'd fallen asleep, her tiny snores keeping Amanda company while listening for the possibility of their mother's footsteps storming back. She'd usually collapsed somewhere in the house though, her violent streak always accompanied by heavy boozing which made her drop sooner than later. But she'd made the mistake of leaving the closet too early before, a painful lesson to learn.

She worried though. That her mom would suffocate on her own vomits, that she would be lying in urine or that she'd hit her head or whatever else her wild imagination thought up. At times she'd actually wished she would find her dead just so she could get away from her. As long as she could stay with her sister foster care didn't sound so bad. But the guilt over that thought nagged at her insides just as much as that one time she'd vocalized the wish. "_I hate you. I wish you were dead"_.

Her mom had often told her she wished she was never born and Amanda always wondered if her mom felt just as ashamed of that as she felt about that one time the words had slipped out. She at least hoped her mom felt a bit guilty but part of her knew her mom probably didn't even know the meaning of that word, she had a knack for rationalizing everything she did.

"I know you might not like me being around right now…" Cragen brought her out of her thoughts, "…but I'm going to be around Amanda. I'll keep coming back, I'll wear you down."

She could hear the pun in that last sentence and for the first time in days she felt like smiling. _But she couldn't. She hadn't realized how much she'd actually missed him. But it was too late now. She brought nothing but misery to the lives she touched, Cragen better keep clear of her. And he better leave soon or she just knew she would say something nasty to him. She would make him never want to come back. She would-_

"I went to see your sister."

Her mind went completely blank once she registered what he'd actually said.

"I mean I went to see her resting place. We had a little time before a Turks and Caicos cruise and we were driving up the east coast of Florida. Made it all the way to Savannah and… well I thought of you and I asked Eileen if she would mind driving up towards Atlanta. We ended up staying there for a night. We asked the motel manager for tips for a place to have dinner and we ended up at this great place you might know of it, Fat Matt's Rib Shack?"

Amanda knew it very well but she was surprised Cragen had found his way there, back when she used to live there it was a place the locals kept a well-hidden secret so they didn't have to share their ribs with outsiders.

"I'm glad we went, the guy said the ribs were finger licking good and he sure was right."

Cragen laughed slightly and Amanda smiled. _Those ribs sure were finger licking good, she could almost taste them now. _

"And the morning after we drove out, brought some flowers. It was a nice gravestone, you picked it out?"

He was hoping to get her talking but she stayed quiet inside the closet. Truth was Amanda was fighting tears behind the door. She was overwhelmed with emotions over the fact Cragen had gone out of his way to visit her sister. He'd brought her flowers and he liked the gravestone she'd picked out for her sister. And she was also ashamed that she'd never visited the site herself.

She carried her sister in her heart every day but she'd learned while growing up it was important to honour the dead. She'd gone with her grandma to the graveyard several times, paid her respect to the grandfather she'd never met and listen to her grandma tell stories about all them others grandma knew around there. Her grandma would've been so disappointed in her for not going to see Kim's final resting place even once.

"We couldn't really figure out that verse, on the stone… Eileen thought, well cause of the… the first line, it was something with Wonderland, something… something like In a Wonderland…"  
"…they lie."  
"Yeah _In a Wonderland they lie_," Cragen said a little relieved to get help remembering but also that she'd spoken.  
"I remember it made me a little sad to read but I also liked it. Would you mind reciting it for me?"

She stayed silent so long he started to think she wouldn't grant him his wish but then,

"_In a Wonderland they lie, Dreaming as the days go by, Dreaming as the summers die; Ever drifting down the stream, Lingering in the golden gleam, Life, what is it but a dream?_"

The words just flooded out of her even though she hadn't thought of them in years now.

He'd heard her fine but he wished he could just open up the door between them a little further, he wanted to see her face to know what she was really feeling. Her voice was too monotone to judge what state she was in.

"Is that from Alice in Wonderland? Eileen thought it might be," Cragen asked once she'd been silent for a while.  
"Somewhat. It's from a poem by the author Lewis Carroll. It used to make her cry when grandma read it to us."  
"It does have some… melancholy to it but I'm sure she would appreciate that you chose something that meant something to her, to both of you."  
"Did the… grave look okay?"  
"It… looked… kept," he said but was disappointed in himself for not doing a better job of lying to her. Or it wasn't really a lie, the grass had been cut around it but there was the lack of flowers, a candle or just anything left behind by someone who visited.

"I haven't been…" she confessed.  
"You will. When you're ready."  
"What if I'll never be?"

Cragen took a breath, he knew he couldn't take this easily now that she wasn't just finally talking but also asking for advice.

"You will Amanda. I know how much you loved your sister and you grieve her in your own way. You don't need a gravesite to do that. But I do think it would be beneficial for you to go one day, to see where at least some part of her is resting now. Maybe it would make you feel close to her again, I know it helped me after my wife died. Her grave was the one place where I could talk to her. For years I went once a week, sometimes even more often if the job allowed me. Moments when I felt like grabbing the bottle I would go to her grave instead, it gave me comfort. It gave me something to do I guess. Time can be punishing. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm getting old…" Cragen sighed silently.

"You're not that old," she said from inside the closet.  
"Thanks," he said with a smile.

His hand wandered over to the slightly open door, fingers going from the soft carpet to the cold wood. Again he felt like opening the door up, to see her, but he knew he had some rebuilding to do with their relationship.

"Some things you're going to have to face Amanda, and when you're ready I'm going to be here."

Amanda watched his fingers move up and down the bottom of the door. Her emotions were yet again torn. Part of her wanted him gone, just seeing a part of him felt threatening and made her want to crawl even further in to the corner of her closet. The other part of her wanted to trust him, wanted to believe he would be here and that he would stay even though she acted like a fool cooped up in the closet like this.

And his words kept churning inside her head. _Some things you're going to have to face_. She managed to tear her eyes off his hand and back to the wall beside her. Her hand moved slowly over the scribbles. She traced a name on the wall that wasn't Kim's. In fact this name was written with a complete different handwriting. _Shay_.

"I'm going to fix some lunch for us," Cragen said outside the door, "I'd love for you to join me but if not I'll be back here in a little bit. I'm afraid you're not getting rid of me so easily."

Cragen made it to his feet with a bit of effort. Through some clothes hanging from the roof of the closet Amanda saw part of his face. His face was resting, neither a frown nor a smile but she could tell he had his thinking hat on. He kept his eyes away from the closet like he might be protecting her privacy and she was filled with enormous respect towards him. He didn't look a day older than when she last saw him, in fact he might look a little younger and the slight tan suited him better than any actual suit she'd ever seen him in.

"Your wellbeing still means a lot to me Amanda. I hope you know that," he said after trying to find something to say that didn't sound too cheesy. He knew she hated cheesy.

"I'll be in the kitchen," he said doing his best not to even glance towards the closet.

She felt empty once he disappeared from her view. She felt immensely stupid for sitting there and just acting like the biggest child ever. _Why could she never deal with emotions like a normal adult? _She'd clutched her fists and she was ready to just pound herself over the head over and over again until the humiliation had worn off. But instead she was left just watching her clutched fists. What struck her was that she wasn't trembling, her grip was fast steady and her hands stayed steady as she loosened her grip. The scar inside her palm got unveiled once she'd unclutched her fist far enough.

Whenever she laid eyes on those scars she always shivered, for a short moment she relived the pain as the bolt perforated through her skin and bones. She could see it as well. A sight out of this world and that would've been unbelievable if it weren't for the pain she'd felt. She'd been at a point where she just didn't think anything he did to her could hurt more than the damage already conflicted. The risk of losing a limb hadn't really been on her mind right then and when the bolts were both in place she was ready to die.

Many times she'd been sitting in Olivet's office and remembered her pleas to just be granted death. It had felt like such a defeat, Mayhem had won in that moment, he'd succeeded in defeating her. _Just another victim. _She'd never been able to put her worries in to words, that she was in fact far from the survivor Olivet kept mentioning._ She was just worthless. At her work. As a partner. As any type of friend. _

She felt like crying but she just felt numb right now and no tears came out of her eyes. She just wanted to feel something normal. She didn't want the angst or the drama but just be able to smile at something like a stupid kitten video and maybe be able to sass back a bit when Nick or Keith was giving her lip. She heard the ding of the microwave far in the distance. _Hungry. She was hungry. That felt normal_.

Going out there, facing Cragen, would be embarrassing but he would probably be happy and in the end maybe so would she? She let her hand go over the scribbled wall one more time but then started to move out of there before she lost her nerve. She crawled out on all four, she figured she'd already been as big of a baby as she could be so why not chose the easiest way to get out of there.

Peeking out down the hallway she heard Cragen move around in the kitchen. That familiar humming when he thought no one was listening. Hearing that made it easier to step outside her comfort zone and she actually couldn't wait to sit down to have lunch with him. She'd missed him. She was happy he was here.

**Liv had made him stay** at the station longer than he'd liked. He did want to help out, knowing Liv and the squad was swamped right now, but his mind was constantly at home with Amanda. _What if Cragen aggravated her? What if Amanda aggravated Cragen? That was probably more likely he figured. What if he left her and she did something stupid? What if she hurt herself? _

His mind had been playing tricks on him all through the afternoon. When he was finally able to get Liv to sign off on a report he finished he close to ran out of there. He was a relieved when he spotted Cragen sitting casually on the couch in front of the TV.

"Hi Fin," Cragen smiled as he hit the mute button on the TV remote.  
"Everything okay?" Fin asked looking around for Amanda or any sign of furniture having been tossed around.  
"She's in the bedroom, sleeping, she's fine," Cragen reassured him. He'd seen where Fin's mind was at.  
"Oh," Fin tried to sound casual and took a few hesitant steps towards his old captain when his legs really wanted to go down the corridor to the bedroom as fast as possible to look for himself that she was fine.

"She hasn't been in bed the entire day, she sat here with me for a while," Cragen said getting a little further up on the couch.  
"We had lunch," Cragen said as he could tell Fin was not convinced Amanda had actually interacted with him. Fin turned to look towards the kitchen, he saw nothing that gave away anyone had been in there since he left.

"We did the dishes. Together," Cragen said when Fin turned back to him.  
"I promise Fin, she's fine," Cragen said and had the same look Fin had seen several times in the squad room. The calming look that said they had the crook and he was going down and there was no need to worry.

"Okay, well good," Fin said and started taking his jacket off. He threw it on the single armchair and then went to sit on the couch by his former boss. Fin was calm but he still threw a glance the opposite way towards the corridor and he felt busted once he caught Cragen watching him. He let out an awkward chuckle and sat back, hoping it would make his body relax as much as his mind.

"With some time I think she'll get better," Cragen said leaning back as well.  
"Yeah, well I'm hoping," Fin said still feeling a bit awkward to have his feelings on the collar like this.  
"Time and with help," Cragen said and bounced his hand on Fin's leg a few times to really sell it.

Once Cragen had withdrawn his hand they sat in silence for a while, both watching the mute characters on the TV screen assumingly arguing with each other.

"So I assume you're having dinner, you want company?" Cragen suddenly asked.

It had been hours since they had lunch and he hadn't felt like raiding the kitchen in search of snacks.

"Sure, Eileen don't want you home though?" Fin said raising his eyebrow slightly.  
"You think she has me whipped?" Cragen asked and Fin worried for a while he'd offended him.  
"Just kidding," Cragen said quickly when he saw Fin's concerned look, "she does actually but she's at a Lamaze class with her daughter and I've gotten used to not eat alone. And I'd really like to catch up with you as well, hear what Ken is up to, Teresa maybe?"  
"Well sure, stay," Fin said smiling.

Cragen stayed for a couple of more hours all while Amanda kept sleeping. Fin enjoyed his company though and for a while he managed to push everything that had been going on lately to the side. It was really nice catching up with an old friend. Being such an outstanding captain Fin had really thought his transition out of there would've been more tangible but good or bad the cases rolling in and out had kept them all busy and with Liv doing a good job in charge it had gone very smoothly. Up until Amanda's past demons made an appearance. Liv had surely done her best but with another person there keeping his eyes on her maybe things wouldn't have escalated? But if not even Fin had noticed then who would've?

When Cragen had packed up his and left the apartment, with a promise to be back very soon though, Fin felt a bit deflated again. _What if things would never go back to normal again? _He got ready for bed before the custom visit to the TV couch and tiptoed in to take his place next to Amanda. She was facing him, the light from the lamp on the bed stand giving her face a glowing aura of gold speckled hair.

Liv had said he needed him back or they would have to start looking for someone who could fill their shoes while absent. She didn't have to say it, he knew what that meant and that they would have eyes on them, more eyes than they already had. Tucker had been in touch with Liv needing this and that from Amanda but Liv kept her protected from getting too involved. Amanda had served Tucker with enough now and he would just have to close this case on his own.

Fin hated to leave her alone but Liv had a point about trying to go back to normal. Amanda did seem a little more alert after Cragen's visit, she even went up early with him the morning after and got coffee started. She didn't seem keen to go in with him though. Fin had tried it even though Liv had clearly said Amanda needed to be cleared by doctor Olivet before she could come back to work.

He suggested that he set up an appointment for her with Olivet but she said she could do it herself, she would after all have all day to herself. He said he could stop by home to have lunch with her but she knew how hard it would probably get for him to keep that promise so she turned him down.

"So what are you going to do all day?" he asked as he was getting ready to head out, "Cragen seem to have plenty of times on his hands so you could always give him a ring."  
"We said we might hit a matinée later this week," she said.  
"That's great," Fin said perking up.  
"Maybe you can do that Friday, try to get an appointment at Olivet's tomorrow already," he suggested but could tell on her face she wasn't impressed by him trying to push.  
"It would be good to squeeze in Olivet this week though," he said with his most begging eyes, "Get the process started so to speak…"  
"I'll call… later…"

She didn't sound so reassuring but he had to take it. He brushed away some hair from her forehead so he could plant a fond kiss there. Her hands rested calmly on his chest while his lips visited her skin.

"Maybe you should get some more sleep…" he said affectionately still holding on to her face. She looked tired, he knew her sleep had been interrupted a few times during the night.  
"I'll be fine, go," she said pushing him away slightly.  
"I could play hooky, even men of steel gets colds you know," he said as he started towards the door.  
"Men of steel…" she huffed but the small smile playing over her face warmed his heart as he looked at her over his shoulder. It was so precious he had to turn around to get a better look of it.

"Go Fin," she said rolling her eyes and went back towards the kitchen.  
"Call me," he yelled from the door.  
"Yeah yeah," he heard from inside and smiled as he left the apartment. That was a first for several weeks now.

**Even though he worked** a long shift it flew by. She never did call him and the two times he was about to call her he got interrupted so he never got in touch with her during the day. Still he walked in to their apartment with a calm feeling. The darkness that greeted him immediately turned his blood cold though.

"Amanda?" he yelled even before he could get the keys out of the door.  
"Amanda," he yelled even louder as he stepped in, having to turn the hallway light on to see anything inside.

Living room laid still, TV off, he heard no sound at all, not even from the street down below their window. It felt eerie.

"Amanda," he yelled again going towards the kitchen. No light was on down the corridor. He saw the notepad left on the counter and for a moment he got less stressed thinking she'd probably written him a note that she had after all gone out with Cragen or something. The notepad was empty though except for her familiar scribbles down in one corner and then written clearly just above them were Olivet's name along with a date and time. He checked his watch not alert enough right now to keep track of today's date. She'd made an appointment for Friday. _That was good but where was she?_ Seeing her phone rest on the counter not far from the notepad made him nervous again. She would not go anywhere without her phone so she had to be there. _Maybe she'd just gone to bed before it got dark? She hadn't been herself lately so maybe she'd just forgotten to turn the lights on? _

He went down the corridor, turning on the lights as he went. Ken's old room laid still. Toilet looked empty but so did the master bedroom.

"Amanda?" he yelled again as a slight panic took over his inside again. He checked the closet in his bedroom before he stepped inside the bathroom. He pulled the shower curtain fearing to find her slumped down on the tiles with a razorblade or something. His mind racing towards suicide made him sweat even more profoundly and he could feel the pools under his arms as he reached Ken's room again.

He yelled out her name again as he searched the room. He had a look in the closet but found it just as empty as the rest of the room. _Where the hell was she? _He wasn't sure if he'd seen her shoes by the door or not and he hurried back out. _But why would she leave without her phone? _Her shoes were gone. So was her jacket. _Who would he call? Liv? Cragen? Tucker?_ He frowned just thinking of that scumbag. He walked back to Ken's room, straight up to her cupboard and pulled out a drawer. He wasn't sure but there could be some items missing from her drawer with intimates. He opened up the next drawer but he still didn't get a conclusive answer. He went back to the closet, his only suitcase was stored there but it was still in place.

_Something was missing though. Ken's Knicks backpack_. He was sure it hung from one of the hangers by the end, the first thing you laid eyes on when you went in there. It looked as though a stack of shoeboxes had been shoved around, not in the place he'd last seen them in and taking a closer look he spotted something on the wall behind one of the boxes. Shoving them away from the wall he saw most of the scribbling. Liv had showed him the photo she'd taken of the inside of the closet in Mrs Rollins' house. Amanda had never told him about the closet, not from past or present.

The wall was filled with mostly the nonsense scribble and doodles he'd seen on the notepad out in the kitchen but he did recognize some names on the wall. Kim was written numerous times. Soldier was up there, Mayhem as well but crossed over several times. The name Shay stood out as it had different, bolder writing. Almost like it was written by someone else. He found another name as well not far from Shay's. Written with the same different stroke and with a heart around it. Danny.

* * *

**She'd been sitting out there** for a while now, not really brave enough to step inside. She had tried popping her head inside earlier but something about the dark and musty interior, the smell of alcohol and cigarettes and sweat that hit her immediately made her pull outside again. The fresh, winter breeze of the South felt better. Now that the sun had set though, temperature fallen and going on hour four alternating between sitting and pacing she wasn't feeling so good any longer.

Her childhood down here was far from ideal and all the resistence she had met going in to her line of work, the slurs she had to obtain for being a woman on the force, it hadn't made life easy. But the landscape would always make her feel at home. She was a state over from Georgia now but this still felt like her country, the trees and the hills and the endless sky.

She didn't see much trees or hills or sky right now though. The lot outside the bar and poor excuse for a strip joint, just had several nuances of grey. Even the tree on the lot looked grey. And the people walking in and out of the joint looked grey and gloomy. She really had no idea what he looked like today, if she would even recognize him or not after all this time. She'd ruled out some men walking out solely on their size. She couldn't picture him being so overweight but she feared he could've walked by her without her knowing it was him.

But then she saw him. Or at least someone who could be him. She stood up quickly and walked closer to him. She had feared he would be too drunk but he managed to get his keys in the door at first try and when she called out his name he immediately turned around.

"Danny."  
"Yeah?" he said even before he'd turned around.

His face changed when he saw her, his eyes narrowed as he took a second look at her from head to toe. She had a feeling he'd expected her to be someone else and it made her feel sad for some reason. _She'd never been what he was looking for._

He looked nothing like she remembered, and he'd gotten so old, she wondered if her images from him back then was laced with deception. He'd been dreamy. Masculine, tall, not so buffed but with arm muscles when he flexed them which she'd asked him to do plenty of times. She'd liked seeing his strength and he didn't mind showing her, chuckling as he did his best to hold her up as she hung from his arm. _Maybe it was his strength she'd been in need of?_

Seeing him now, wondering if this was really him under the rugged look – the unshaved jaw, the dirty plaid, the worndown cap – it was the curled lip that truly sold her that this was in fact the man that had held her heart even after he'd broken it. It was the way he curled his lip when uncertainty hit him just like now. That memory, along with how he'd constantly tasted like alcohol whenever she'd kissed him, made her feel a bit intoxicated now.

"Do you know who I am?" she asked. Part of her wanted him to figure it out for himself, she wanted him to remember her just as well as she remembered him. His touch. His voice. He seemed clueless to who she was though.

"We met a long time ago. It's been almost twenty years…"

_Please remember me. Please tell me I meant something to you. _

His eyes had narrowed again as he studied her intensely. She felt herself squirm slightly under his stare. She did not recognize the look she was given by this man standing in front of her. Gone was the way he'd managed to put a smile on her face with just a single affirming look, how a single look had made her feel good and bad and naughty and awesome all at once.

The moment he remembered her was evident on his face though.

"Mandy…" he almost gasped.

She smiled and nodded.

After the look of realization he'd looked happy for a short moment but then something else washed over him and it made him take a step back. He looked down towards her hands, seemed almost threaten.

"What do you want with me?" he asked nervously pressing his back against his van.

She shook her head a little uncomprehending.

"I just wanted to see you, I _needed_ to see you…"  
"I never meant to… please don't hurt me."  
"Why would I…" she didn't understand.  
"You're a cop right? You came here to shot me?"  
"No," she shook her head, "No that's not at all why I'm here."

She was baffled. _That he would think that had not even entered her mind before but now, with her years working special victims, she realized how he could think that. That she might want to kill him for stealing her innocence or childhood or whatever. But there hadn't been an innocence or childhood to steal, that had already been taken from her before he got there. No she had no desire to kill him._

"How do you know, that I'm a cop I mean?" she asked after a while.

Danny had relaxed slightly as he no longer feared for his life but he kept the distance, or maybe he was just drunk and that's why he needed the support of the car.

"I ran in to your mom a couple of years after… after that, and she told me you'd joined the force. She didn't seem happy about it but knowing how you were when you set your mind to somehting, and how determined you were on defying your mom I just figured you'd go through with it. And be darn good at it as well."

His belief in her warmed her heart.

"Yeah I'm a cop," she let him know, "a detective now actually. Up in New York."  
"Wow," he said and looked very impressed.  
"So… why are you here?" he asked looking a little worried again.  
"Like I said, I just needed to see you. You just left me…"  
"I know," he said and the corner of his mouth slumped just as much as his shoulders.  
"Why? You said you would take me out of that place. You said you would save me."  
"I know," he just repeated.  
"So why did you leave me?" she felt tears burn in her eyes suddenly.

She was brought back to that day when she came home to find his car gone and all his things packed. The few items he'd forgot her mom had tossed out on the lawn. Her mother had refused to tell her anything, just called her a pathetic slut when she started to cry. When she'd refused to stop crying her mom had started hitting her, harder and harder but she hadn't minded. She was actually grateful for the pain as it took away some of the ache she felt on the inside.

"Your mom made me. She never told you?"

Amanda shook her head.

"She went batshit crazy one day, just out of the blue. Said she knew what I was up to, that I was _molesting_ you and that she would call the police on me if I didn't get my ass out of there immediately."  
"Why didn't you wait for me? Why didn't you take me with you?"  
"She was gonna call the police…"  
"She wouldn't have."  
"I… I didn't know. I thought she would. With my record… I just couldn't risk that."  
"You left me there."

She could feel a tear run down her cheek but she did nothing to hide it or brush it away.

"I know. I'm sorry," he said and took a single step closer to her.  
"I really did want to get you out of there. Your mom… she treated you so badly. I hated it. I did try… tried to talk to her, make her leave you alone and I thought she did listen until… until she hit you again. I dunno what else I could've done…"  
"You could've waited for me. Took me with you like you promised you would."

"Mandy…" he took another step towards her, looked as though he was going to reach out for her hand but then changed his mind and pushed his hands down deep in his pockets. A gesture she remembered, he'd done that often. In their kitchen, outside by his car, whenever he got that sad look in his eyes and she imagined how he was thinking of how much he wanted to take her away from there but deep down she knew it wasn't about her at all.

"I was a grown man… I had no business being with you in the first place. I should never have… gone there."  
"It wasn't just you. I wanted it as well."  
"You wanted someone to rescue you. For someone to notice you and protect you from her."  
"I didn't need anyone else for that, I could protect myself."  
"I know that's what you want to believe and maybe had it been just you… but your sister was there as well. You took it for her as well, you proteced _her_. You asked me to take you, your sister and you, out of there. There was no way I could take two kids with me."  
"I wasn't a kid," she said, voice fragile.  
"Yes you were Mandy. That's what makes what I did extra wrong. Why I've never been able to forgive myself for that."  
"I don't blame you. I _loved_ you."  
"You loved the idea of me Mandy. You had no idea who I really am. Or was. Whatever…"

Danny looked bothered, shuffled one of his feet in the gravel before he backed up to lean against his car again.

Now she had to brush some of the tears away from her cheeks cause they started to bother her. _Why was she making such a fool of herself. Standing here crying in the middle of a parking lot, in front of a man who clearly never was close to the man she'd pictured him to be. But watching him she still felt smitten. She still saw, or at least wanted to see, that hero she'd pictured him to be. She'd thought of him as a hero even after he'd left which was just a testament to how delusional she'd been, and still was. _

He'd folded his head down but he peeked up at her from time to time and she saw that young man he'd been back then. His hair, then no grey streaks, falling down in to his eyes the way he wore it. He'd cock his head back in that effortless way that made him look so cool in her eyes.

"So how's your mom?" he finally asked. She didn't trust her voice yet and just gave him a nod to let him know she was okay.

"And your sis?"

She just held his eyes for a while.

"She died."

Danny's face changed again, he looked honestly sad.

"Shit, I'm sorry. When?"  
"Just a while back."  
"What happened?"

She shook her head. She couldn't go in to that, wasn't sure she wanted to include him.

"I'm so sorry, I know how much she meant to you."  
"Thanks."

Two obviously drunk men staggered out from the joint behind them and made them look over as they managed to tip over some garbage cans. The two men grabbed a hold of each other in an attempt to maybe keep themselves upright but they did such a poor job of it that they zigzaged over the lot and both keeled over twice. Danny shook his head at them and Amanda smiled even though it wasn't really funny that they'd made themselves so drunk they couldn't walk straight.

Danny turned to look at her again once the men had managed to get themselves around the corner. She couldn't meet his look. _She felt sad, like she'd lost something after all_.

"You look good," he suddenly said and she met his eyes. It didn't make her happy to hear him say that. In fact she felt like he didn't have the right to say that to her.

"Who was Shay?" she asked.

He looked at her, his face completely blank and if it weren't for the street light making everything grey she would've noticed him lose all color.

"Why?" he finally managed to utter.  
"You used to call me Shay. I want to know who Shay was," she close to ordered.

She felt entitled to know. He shook his head barely visible and she took a step towards him. She took another step when she saw what effect it had on him, he looked threaten and she didn't mind.

"You came in to my room at night. My sister laid in the next bed. You made me face the other way and you whispered Shay in my ear as you came. At times you fell asleep in my bed and I'd lay awake listening to you mumble her name in your sleep."

He looked ashamed but she didn't stop.

"You called me that once out in the open as well. We were at the gas station and you told my sister and I that we could run in to get ice cream but you called me back. I think you wanted me to get you one as well but you choked after you called me Shay. Like you caught yourself calling me by her name and you looked so sad when you realized I wasn't her."

She let her words sink in for a while. She could see her words hurt him and she started to soften a bit.

"Please tell me, who was she?"

Danny hid his face behind a hand before he turned around. She came all the way up to him.

"I have to know," she begged.  
"She was my high school sweetheart," Danny mumbled with his back still turned to her, "She was my first and only love. The reason to live."

She thought it would hurt more to know he never loved her the way she loved him but it didn't. All she could feel was joy that Shay had been that loved by someone. She felt like a person that wasn't easy to love.

"Can you tell me more about her? What she was like?"

Danny turned around so abruptly she thought he was about to slap her but all he did was look at her. They were only a few inches away from each other and the air between them felt tense.

"Who was she?" Amanda asked again. _She had to know_.  
"She had blonde, long and wild hair," he whispered as his eyes went down Amanda's own strands.  
"Her eyes were shaped as yours but brown. Her mouth small, lips narrow but her laugh so big it easily filled a room. She had fair skin just as yours and she was shaped like you. Your height when I met her but then she grew to my height. Much as you have now," his eyes rested on her face for a while before he went on, "I saw so much of her in you, not just looks. She had your guts. Nothing scared her. She stood up to bullies in school, defended the weak, spoke her mind. All the things she couldn't do at home as her father beat the crap out of her mom. She was adventurous, we would go exploring after school, find the most amazing fields and nucks and hideaways. She didn't do good in school but she was smart, just not book smart. The way she saw and read the world was amazing though. She took everything in. She saw the good in the bad, beauty where I could only see ugly. She changed my world for better. Without her there was no world. Not for me."

He'd looked so happy while thinking of her but now his face dropped again.

"What happened?" she asked sensing something terrible had gone down. He shook his head like he wouldn't answer but then the words poured out of him as his gaze disappeared in to the distance.

"We ran away right after high school. We had plans. Such great plans for life. We would live free and have lots of kids that we would love just as much as we loved each other. We would see the world. Do all the things our fucked up parents never did cause they were too scared to."

She saw him swallow hard and it looked as he really had to gather himself to be able to go on.

"It was my fault… I let her drive. I was drunk, at least drunker than her. She crashed my car. She died. I didn't."

He had tears in his eyes but looked determined to not cry in front of her so Amanda did it for him. Silent tears ran down her cheeks.

"She died…" Amanda whispered.

Danny's eyes landed on her and he seemed mesmerized with her tears. His hand went up to wipe a tear away, and then another one.

"You died," he whispered. All he saw was Shay's tearfilled face as she laid dying on the road.

When he came to a few minutes had passed after their crash. Shay had taken a curb too fast, came off the road where they hit some rocks which flipped their car over. They flipped another time as they went back over the road until finally crashing against a tree across the road. Neither one of them had worn a seatbelt, tumbled around the car and hitting the interior hard.

The excruciating pain was the first thing that grabbed a hold of him. Once he was able to control himself he heard her gasps and started to look for her. She hadn't been in the driver's seat, her door torn out of it's place. With a broken arm he crawled out over her seat and landed hard on the gravel on the country road. The car's light flickered just as though it wanted to call for his attention and he spotted her in its beam. He couldn't get to her fast enough, shook her to get her to open her eyes. She coughed as she opened her eyes, small drops of bloods hung in the air and then prickled her face. He remembered a tear reaching one of them and the small amount of blood colored the entire streak red as it went down the side of her face. There had been more blood but he just focused on holding her eyes as he screamed her name and told her to hang on, to not leave him. He'd planted a kiss on her lips as her eyes started to fall shut, a desperate attempt to keep her there.

Danny slowly closed in on her but Amanda put a hand on his chest. He blinked a few times which seemed to pull him back to present and he withdrew from her when he realized what he'd been about to do.

"She was gone," he whispered. He shrugged in an attempt to get rid of some emotions and cleared his voice as he went on.

"I said I drove, her dad was livid, my mom was… It doesn't matter. I was arrested. I pled guilty and I spent some time in jail. It's appalling how little time in jail you get for taking someone's life though. I got out of prison but I was still stuck in my personal pen. The guilt. The loneliness. The things I've done to try and forget about her. The people I've hurt…"

He looked at her but she wasn't sure if she was included with the people he said he hurt.

"When I met your mom she was just someone who would put me up for some time, that would feed me, I was just a tumbleweed back then. Maybe still am but you made me stick around. You were special and it wasn't _just_ cause you reminded me of Shay. I mean we had fun even before… even without sex right?"

Amanda nodded, managed a weak smile.

"You and your sister were such goofballs," Danny chuckled, "when your mom wasn't around we had fun right? Your sister was such a sore loser, she threw them hizzyfits throwing that board up in the air whenever she lost which was basically every time we played. And she wouldn't stop crying when we couldn't find Poopsie, her favorite."

Amanda's smile grew wider at the memory, the dried tears pulled at her cheeks.

"And then she cried when we couldn't play it because of all the missing pieces but you cut out figures from the cornflake boxes, always so resourceful," he watched her with admiration for a few seconds before his face went a little sad, "When she broke the handle on that ugly urn your mother kept in the hallway we fixed it you and me but then I came home to find you bleeding. You'd taken the blame when it broke again. I iced your lip later that night, you remember?"

She nodded.

"I didn't just… I mean I was nice to you right? I know I was drunk most of the time, that I did stupid things but I never treated you… I wasn't _evil_ right?"

She shook her head slowly.

"I did think you could save me…" she whispered.

He nodded, he'd always known that even though she just denied it.

"She was probably jealous…," her voice was still low, a crooked smile over her face.  
"Kim?"

She shook her head.

"Mom."

He looked confused.

"Did you know she used to watch us?"

Danny looked shocked, too stunned to even shake his head. Amanda nodded.

"You know how our door would never close after my mom had burst through it that one time," she said but went on without giving him a chance to answer, "the door was always ajar after that and she stood in the gap and watched us… I thought it was just my imagination at first but she was still there after I'd blinked a few times. I thought she would kill me but she just stood there, never said anything, not then, not the day after but I saw it in her eyes. She knew. And then she came back again, just stood there, watching. I think I tried to suppress it, tried to not look, to not believe she actually knew and didn't do anything to stop it…"

Amanda's eyes had drifted off somewhere in the distance and Danny saw the sorrow on her face, wanted to mend her somehow. He reached up and touched her cheek, pulled her out of her thoughts. He withdrew when she flinched. He feared for a second he'd done more harm than good as her face crumbled.

"She should've stopped it right, I mean sooner. She should've-" her voice broke and the words got stuck in her throat. Danny nodded.  
"She should have but I should've never gone there in the first place," he said feeling a need to own up to his part in it.  
"I'm sorry Mandy, if there's anything I can do, that I can say-"  
"You can't," she interrupted him. She felt a little bad for the sad look over Danny's face, she could tell he hurt, but so did she and she didn't think she owed him anything.

"You can't," she repeated and added a shrug.

He looked a little defeated as he leaned back against his car again, started shuffling gravel around with his boot.

"So why did you come here in the first place," he mumbled with a pout.

She just looked at him. A grown man pouting and it looked a little pathetic.

"I had to say goodbye to Shay," she said. He stopped moving his boot around and looked at her.  
"What do you mean?" he asked.

She didn't owe him any answers and just turned to leave.

"Hey, what do you mean?" he said walking up behind her.

She didn't like having him breathe down her neck and she stopped and turned so she could put a hand to his chest to hold him off. He grabbed her arm as she tried pushing him away.

"Do you visit her grave?" she asked and managed to throw him off a bit.  
"What?"  
"Do you visit her grave?"  
"Aha, yeah," he said nodding, "I moved here to be closer to her."  
"That's good, I'm glad," she said while trying to get out of his grip.

He looked confused.

"I'm glad she was that loved."

He looked sad again, like he was about to cry.

"I mourn her every day," he whispered.

His grip around her arm soften and for a few seconds her hand rested in his.

"I'm leaving her with you," she said and squeezed his hand briefly before she pulled her hand back. Confusion was back over his face as he wipe the corner of his eye with his sleeve.

"Good bye," she said and shot him a smile before hurrying in to the shadows surrounding the parking lot. Never had she been so relieved and comfortable with the darkness embracing her.

**She had to loosen her grip** around the wheel a little, she felt the tension throughout her body. She usually wasn't restless behind the wheel but right now she had trouble sitting still and every time she moved the plastic around the flowers that rested in her lap made an annoying sound. She wished she would've put them in the back instead or that she could put them on the passenger seat.

Looking over to the passenger seat the occupant of it turned slightly in her sleep, making her face Amanda. The passenger let out a long guttural snore that made the entire front of the car stink of booze. Amanda frowned and waved her hand in front of her to get some of the stench away from her nose but it didn't help much. This wasn't the first time she'd driven her drunk mom.

The first time was even before Amanda had her license. What were you supposed to do when you're 15, with no money to pay for a cab and you get a phonecall from a bartender across town telling you that he's going to leave your drunk ass mom out on the park bench for the night if you didn't come to collect her? If only grandma had been alive she would've helped out but gone were both her beloved grandma and her dad. The drive had gone excellent though, except for that one blunder that almost landed them in the ditch as Kim kept playing with the radio.

The memory made Amanda smile and suddenly the smell of the car just helped to reinforce the fond memory of just one of many fucked up situations them Rollins' girls had been in. _Her mom had driven with them in the car while under the influence many times. They hadn't been in any major accidents but plenty of times they didn't make it all the way home, at least not with their car._

_There had been rides home with the police, at times with complete strangers. Many times she'd walked herself and her sister home all on their own. They had always made it home though. Why didn't Kim find her way home this time? _Tears burnt behind her eyes but she tried blinking them away. Her vision got a bit blurred and she figured it would just be life's great irony if they crashed and burned right now.

_Why was this tee itching so much? It was making it impossible to sit still. It was the last time she bought a tee at a souvenir shop and she just knew Fin would give her grief for the distasteful logo if she brought it home with her._

"Mom, we're almost there," she said and tried shaking life in her mom all while keeping her eyes on the road. Her mom groaned but refused to open her eyes.  
"C'mon mom," Amanda moaned but got her hand pushed back and then her mom just turned over in her seat again.  
"Great," Amanda mumbled as she drove in to the graveyard.

She didn't need help to find the grave, even though she hadn't made the funeral she'd done most of the planning for it and she knew Kim was resting close to her grandma. _She didn't need her mom for anything but she'd brought her for a single reason – to have company. She wasn't scared or anything like that but it would've just been nice to have someone there. Then it would just be easier to hold herself together. _

Being a Friday and still early the graveyard was empty as she cruised very slowly on the thin road that would take her over to the part of the plot that held most gravesites. Her grandma would've not liked her taking the car this far up but everyone basically did these days. And she was still hoping she would be able to get her mom to step out for a bit and dragging her a few steps would be easier than the entire road up.

She spotted a car further up, it was parked right near where Kim's grave was and Amanda got a bit miffed that someone would be around to disturb. Not that she was planning an emotional breakdown by her sister's grave but she would've prefered no one being around. Her mom didn't count, at least not when she was in this condition.

She saw a figure on a bench further out in-between the gravestones. Something about the figure being leaned back with a leg over the other made it seem familiar. The closer she got the more certain she got she did know the figure on the bench and if there was ever a time to use that old phrase she'd heard her grandma use a couple of times this was it. _My cup runneth over_. She got completely overwhelmed with emotions, all good ones, and she looked over towards her mom, eager to share her joy with someone but she just rolled her eyes at her mom and went back to watching the figure that now stood up from the bench.

She parked near the other car but got stuck in her seat just watching him through the crisp window. He was smiling but she could tell he got a little insecure when she just kept looking at him, he probably got unsure if she was happy to see him there or not, and she opened up her door to not leave him hanging. She brought the flowers out with her, closed the door a bit softly to not wake up her mom. She didn't want her mom to ruin this moment. She put the bouquet of flowers down on the hood of the car as she took a few steps closer to him. He had that boyish grin all over his face and with a beanie pulled down over his ears he was probably more adorable than she'd ever seen him before.

"I can't believe you're here," she said, voice choking up in her throat and she did her best to not start crying.  
"Of course I'm here," he said with a casual shrug.  
"How did you know where I was?" she said slowly making her way over to him.  
"I figured this might be what you needed to face…" he said looking over towards Kim's grave.

Fin had panicked several times and already called Liv before he spotted the note Amanda had in fact left behind. It had fallen off the bureau in the hallway when Amanda closed the door after herself. The note had then travelled even further and out of his sight as he frantically rushed passed it a few times. Finding it had lifted a huge weigh off him before another worry had set in.

_Fin, I'm sorry.  
There's something I have to do.  
Something I have to face.  
Please try not to worry.  
I love you.  
A_

It was after she'd made the appointment with doctor Olivet that her mind had started wandered. She'd been numb for days but the restlessness started to set in with vengeance and she knew what would follow that. Anxiety, and if she didn't get a handle on that she might do something really stupid. She just knew she had to face her past to be able to move on. It hadn't been just Danny she thought about facing.

She'd thought about going face to face with Simon as well but it was just a step she wasn't ready for yet. She wasn't sure she would ever be or that it would serve a purpose. Facing him would just grant his wish, he wanted to see her and it probably wouldn't matter if she cursed, or spit, or kicked him, he would just be happy to see her. He would get inside her head even more so she'd pushed that idea to the side.

Danny was the one she felt most need to face for her own benefit and now that she knew who Shay was, who she'd been, then it felt easier to leave her behind. Just as she had to leave some part of her sister behind so she could focus on herself for a bit. On herself and this gorgeous and kind hearted man standing in front of her right now.

"I came here two days ago though, where have you been?" he asked.

She studied every inch of his face. _Gorgeous_.

"You must've been cold waiting for me…" she smiled. He shrugged his shoulders slightly, tried to act tough.  
"New beanie? I like the colors on you," she said and adjusted his headwear slightly to make it even over his eyebrows.  
"You do? Yeah I got it at this posh store downtown Atlanta," he said sounding proud.

Now that she'd touched him he dared to put his hands on her hips.

"Atlanta don't have a downtown," she grinned.  
"No?"

She shook her head.

"What you have here is ITP or OTP."  
"On the prowl?" his beanie went up with his eyebrows.  
"No," she said and put her forehead against his chest to not chuckle in his face.  
"Then what?" he asked amused.  
"I'll tell you about it some other time," she said going back to studying his face.  
"Beanie suits you though."  
"Would I pass for an Atlantan? I got that right right."

She nodded.

"I bought a tee as well, have to warn you it's bold," he said with a big grin over his face.  
"Bolder than this…" she asked and separated herself from him a little so she could move her scarf to the side and open up her jacket a bit. He helped her open up the jacket more so he could get a proper look. He looked confused.

"Is that a bull with hooters?" he asked, amusement playing all over his face.  
"And what's hoecake?"

She shut her jacket, dug down her scarf to cover the embarrasment.

"I've been in Alabama," she explained.  
"Alabama?" he asked losing all interest in what a hoecake was. She nodded.  
"What's in Alabama?"  
"Not what, _who_," she said closing her arms around his big frame so she could escape in to him. His arms were quickly there to embrace her.

"_Who's_ in Alabama?"  
"Can I tell you that later as well…" she begged, eyes shut and listening to his strong heartbeat.  
"You promise to tell me later…" he asked sounding as doubtful as he had the right to be.  
"I promise. And I promise to be more open about everything from now on."  
"I'm not asking you to tell me _everything_…" he said cautiously, not wanting her to feel obliged to be an open book to spare his feelings.  
"But I want to," she said, "It's you and me right."  
"It's you and me."

He put his chin on top of her head and felt relieved to have her in his arms. _You and me_. He'd been worried sick while she was gone, this waiting had gnawed at him but all that was forgotten now. It felt different. He wanted to know who she'd been to visit in Alabama, and he wanted to know what a bull with hooters had to do with hoecake if anything, but he was in no stress to find those things out. They had time. It felt like she was back. She was smiling, she talked in sentences and she'd looked genuinly happy, and touched, to see him there. He knew it wasn't that easy, that they had some road to cover before they were home again, and he didn't mean that just literally. But something evident was different with this Amanda than the one he'd seen a couple of days ago. He would have to feed her, work on the trust but he felt certain they could get there.

"Is that your mom?" he asked having seen something move in the passenger seat of the car she'd pulled up in.

Amanda reluctantly pulled herself from him enough so she could have a look over her shoulder, she was afraid mom was awake and up, about to ruin the moment. But the car was still, windows fogging up a bit, she'd probably just rolled over in her sleep again. She raised her head to look him in the eyes. She gave him a nod.

"She's asleep?" he asked. She nodded.  
"And drunk."

She felt him loose his grip around her, bringing an arm up to probably check his watch but she pulled his arm down, wanted him to hold her tight again and he didn't let her down.

"Yes it's early," she said confirming what he'd already been thinking. She sighed.  
"She managed to get to her liquid lunch before I arrived. I guess I shouldn't have given her notice I was coming and that I wanted her company to the grave."  
"She knew you were coming and still got drunk," he said with disappointment in his tone.

She shrugged, knew it didn't do her any good to feel disappointed. This was her mom in a nutshell.

"Why do you even keep trying? She's treated you like… she doesn't deserve you or your time," he said feeling some anger stir in his belly. The frustration vanished quickly though when she got up on her toes and put her lips to his. She let him go after a few seconds but stayed on her toes to be able to stay near his lips.

"You're right but she's my mom Fin, she's… the only family I got now," she said with her voice breaking.  
"No," he said shaking his head. She looked confused.  
"_I'm_ family. The only one you need but you have Liv as well, Nick, Cragen. Ken and Alejandro considers you family, and even Teresa."

Tears were burning behind her eyes again but most of all she felt her heart flutter with affection. She had to try and think of something to not get overwhelmed.

"Sierra?" she asked. He looked reluctant.  
"Only if she stays clean. I can't risk her pulling you down or having bad influence on you. Okay?"

She nodded, she knew he meant well and it was only of concern for her wellbeing. She put her ear to his chest again. For minutes they just stood there holding on to each other. When she finally opened up her eyes the first thing she could focus on was the tombstone she'd picked out for her sister. She'd forgotten for a while why she was actually there and it did hurt a little that the loss of her sister had been gone momentarily but she could see how that was also a good thing. She didn't have to be in constant pain over the loss.

The stone looked just as pretty as she'd hoped it would. The quote, her sister's name, the date of birth, the date of… Her throat closed up. The writing was lovely though. There were fresh flowers on her grave and a candle. Even though it was light she could tell the candle was lit.

"You did that?" she asked even though she knew the answer. He was a little confused but got her drift when he saw where her eyes were at.  
"Yeah," he said with a sigh.

He felt her grip around him slowly loosen and he missed her as she distanced herself from him. She went back to the car and got the flowers she'd left on the hood. She threw her mom a look but she was clearly still sleeping, mouth gasping and Amanda could hear the loud snoring through the window. Instead of heading straight for the grave she took the detour towards him and grabbed his hand to get him to walk with her the few steps over to the grave. She felt stronger with him by her side and she managed to hold it together as she read her name over and over again. Kim Rollins. Kim Rollins.

Everyone always asked Amanda for her middle name and it was almost embarrassing to tell whoever asked that she didn't have one. Her mom didn't even care enough to come up with a middle name. Kim had it even worse, everyone expecting her name to be short for Kimberly but no that was her given name. _A single vowel. Not that given three vowels did her any favors. Kim had always been mom's favorite. She never talked back to their mom. She talked back to everyone else but never to mom. Kim had been in trouble over and over again but Amanda had always come to the rescue. Their mom had been in the middle of the havoc Kim created but still mom had always preferred the youngest. It didn't hurt so much now. She didn't mind Kim getting the only scraps of love their mom was able to give, she had the only love she needed now. _

She squeezed Fin's hand tighter but she already had his attention once she turned to glance over. She managed to smile slightly at him but had to really focus to not burst in to tears right now and she tried straightening up. He shot her an encouraging smile just before she let go of his hand.

He kept his eyes on her back as she stepped even closer to the grave. She kneeled down besides the tombstone. She'd gripped the bouquet with both hands as she sat down and she watched the flowers for a bit as she wasn't ready to take it all in yet. She'd gone with Kim's favorite color. Pink.

Her vision got blurry the moment she turned her eyes towards the stone. Even if she was biased it was the most beautiful tombstone she'd ever laid eyes on. Her hand was shaking as she reached up to touch her sister's name and then let her fingers run down the words written underneath.

By the time she reached the last words her face was streaked with tears and a sob rippled through her body before escaping her throat. _Life, what is it but a dream?_ The memory of the tears in her sister's eyes whenever she heard those words was as vivid to her right now as how cold the stone felt underneath her fingers. She had to remind herself her sister didn't feel cold any longer, that she wasn't all alone and freezing beneath the dirt right now but it didn't help with the grief that erupted through her body. It didn't stop the violent sniffles or the sobs that stacked up her throat.

"I'm- sorry-," she managed to whimper out through her sorrow.  
"I should've-, I should've been here sooner."

Her chest hurt immensely.

"I miss you so much," she managed to push out before she fell forward, pressing her forehead against the tombstone. She let go off the flowers and put both her palms against the cold surface, tried to dig her nails in, to get even closer but it didn't work.

Tears kept dwelling out of her and finally Fin couldn't stand just watching the sobs ripple through her back. He sat down right behind her, scooted in as close as he could without any concern of the dirt, wrapping his arms around her. He could tell she wasn't ready to let go of the tombstone so he folded himself over her instead, aligned himself with her and just held her.

Once she reached that abyss of sorrow, when it felt like the only tears she had left were the ones stuck on her cheeks and when she was able to breathe properly between the sobs that lingered and that she was still powerless over, she could feel the contrast between his warm body and the cold stone. There was no question which she preferred and slowly she started to turn in his arms. He gave her room to do so, sitting up to give them both a more comfortable position and he was ready to drape her with his big, protective arms as soon as she folded herself in to his chest.

The abyss opened up the moment he held her again and new tears came from nowhere. He held her steady all while new violent sobs took over her body. He didn't say anything, knew no words could console her right now. He was crying too but knew he had to stay together, had to be strong for her right now.

It took a long time before she calmed down again. Many thoughts had time to go through his mind but the only one he let reign was how much he loved her and how they would get through to the other side someday. He could feel how cold the ground was but just as though the sun had heard him it burst through the winter sky to shine warm rays on them. He felt grateful for so many things at that moment.

She'd stopped thinking she had no more tears as every time she did new ones puddled up in the corner of her eye but she started to feel too tired to cry. Too tired to even think. She could feel the warmth of the sun on top of her head and managed to turn her face slightly upwards to get some on her. A sigh of relief escaped her as the warm rays did their best to comfort her. Nothing was as warm and comforting as his embrace though and she got a good grip of his jacket so she could press herself harder in to him.

He returned the affectionate gesture by placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. He was still so emotional himself he didn't trust his voice enough to say anything but she was getting everything she needed from him already.

They sat there so long she started to drift in and out of sleep, he could feel her jolt back from sleep a couple of times. She felt so comfortable she could sit there for the rest of the day but she started to worry about his back and maybe he was getting cold from the dirt as well so she took a few deep breaths with some new oxygen to perk her up a little.

She figured she looked a mess but she wasn't worried about facing him and even managed a smile once she locked eyes with him. She could tell he'd been crying too and for a second it felt as though it could set her off again but she managed to get a grip on herself. She was stiff but managed to sit up slightly, she wanted to come face to face with him so she could tell him something important.

He rearranged himself slightly as well, his legs had become numb long ago but he realized it was better to just stay where he was at. He was fine right where he was and he stroke back a few strands of her hair while studying her. She looked like she was getting ready to say something, maybe she wanted to tell him something and he stayed quiet to give her room to do so.

When she started talking her voice was low. It sounded like she was telling him a secret but it was all because of her lengthy crying.

"Shay died," she tried to clear her throat but her voice didn't change as she continued, "It was a car crash."

He really had no idea what she was talking about but he knew whatever she said must be both important and would make sense once he got it so he just tried to listen carefully.

"I think she's really gone now. That I can leave her behind."

He didn't really grasp what she meant but he still felt a bit of relief. He wanted to ask if this was something she found out in Alabama but he didn't get a chance to before she continued talking and he wasn't worried, he would ask her later.

"I promise to do my best to clue you in from now on, to share my feelings with you. I'm not afraid any longer…" she broke their gaze for a moment and came back with a smile leaning towards cheeky, "Or I am _a_ _little_ afraid," she confessed, "But I'm going to tell Olivet everything and I will get through it. I won't let old baggage hold me back. I want to be there with you, not just at times but all the time and every day from now on."

Her eyes got misty and her throat choked up again. He touched her cheek to get her to look at him again, there was no need for her to feel embarrassed.

"And I promise to be there, all the time, always," he said seriously, "You can always trust me, and lean on me whenever you need to. We'll get through it together."

The moment felt intense. She could feel her lower lip shivering and she bit down on it. But she let it go just as quickly and said;

"Why does it feel like we just got married?"

Both of them started chuckling and once they started nothing could hold them back. Laughing was just what both of them needed right now. They both calmed down just as fast though and he got that serious look in his eyes again.

"We could seal it with a kiss," he suggested.

He watched for signs that he took things too far, too quickly but she didn't move a muscle.

"I mean if you feel-"

Her lips cut him off and they tasted each other carefully at first. He closed his eyes as she opened up her lips to let him in. It felt like the first time they kissed. A mix of nerves and excitement brewing in his gut all while that feeling of completion, of finding ones way home settled in him. Back then it had scared him when those strong feelings popped up once they took that step in to the bedroom. Her casual approach to the change in their relationship made him ease up though and it all felt so comfortable.

He'd said many times he'd never settle down in a relationship but he realized he was already in one and he wasn't scared or in need to get out of it. He was satisfied right where he was.

They had to come up for air after a while and they both got a slight case of the chuckles once they caught eyes on each other's hazy look and rosy cheeks. Both of them concluded though that they had to do this more often, it was a flattering look.

Sitting on the ground though was getting to him and he wouldn't mind moving to a more comfortable place.

"How about we get out of here?" he suggested.  
"We can come back later, we need to replace that candle in about six hours anyways," he added as he saw her eyes glance towards the grave.

That seemed to be all the convincing she needed and they helped each other up off the ground. He waited while she rearranged the flowers and then they headed back towards the cars.

"Hey, where you going," he said grabbing after her as she started towards her rental.

She wasn't sure what to say and just gestured towards her car.

"Let's take mine instead."  
"Fin, I can't just leave her here," Amanda said.

He fixed her eyes at her.

"Like she's never left you behind," he said. She glanced over towards the car. He was right, and the last thing she wanted was to get inside that sticking car right now. Especially when the other option was getting in his instead and being just an arm lenghts away from him, being able to touch him whenever she liked to.

"She'll be warm in there, she'll be safe," he said as she looked like she still needed convincing, "If she wakes up before we come back she can always walk back right? I'm sure the fresh air would do her good."

She really wanted to get in his car instead, let him take the wheel, but she knew she wouldn't be able to shake the feeling of remorse if she left her mom behind.

"Look, I got a pen and paper in my car, you can leave a note on the window and we can just get something to eat and then drive back," he suggested as he could see the qualms all over her face. He didn't want to put her in a position where she had to chose him over her mother. He was rather certain she would if the situation was dire but it wasn't so there was no need to put her through this right now.

"C'mon," he said tugging at her sleeve when he could tell he had won her over. She followed him over and waited as he reached in through the driver's door to get the pen and paper he knew was in the glove department. He liked the cheeky look over her face as he handed her the items and he kept watching her as she leaned over the hood to write the note. He felt a tickle below his belt just by following her outline and he leaned back against the car to force himself to break the stare. He couldn't contain himself though and glanced back over at her. He couldn't see what she wrote but he saw her put down her digits and it hurt him that she figured her own mom wouldn't have her number down.

"You know there's a grave up there with the name Spanky Johnson," he said to distract her in case she needed it.  
"Right next to grandma and grandpa," she said handing him back the pen and rest of the notepad before she walked over to the other car.  
"I'm not sure I want to know if it was his given name or a nickname," Fin said while watching her put her note under the wiper.  
"It wasn't his given name," she said with amusement both in her voice and in her eyes as she glanced back over at him.  
"Then why put that on a tombstone…" he said making a disgusted face that made her chuckle.  
"You wanna know how he got the nickname?" she said getting around the car to get in to his passenger seat.  
"Gawd no," he grunted as he got behind the wheel.

Once he glanced over at her her amused look had vanished and her eyes were fixed at Kim's grave.

"You okay?" he asked a little concerned as he reached out and touched her arm.

She nodded but it wasn't so convincing.

"We're in no hurry you know… We can stay over the weekend, my motel room isn't so shabby. If you need to stay longer then that's what we'll do," he said rubbing her arm gently.  
"No I think I want to head back," she said but sounded a bit hesitant, "maybe if your motel room isn't too shabby we can stay till Sunday?"  
"Sunday it is," he said and squeezed her arm.  
"The bed's alright?" she said and the cheekiness was back when he raised his eyebrow at her.  
"Bed's more than alright," he said a bit sneaky.  
"Well we're set then," she smiled.

He hadn't started the car yet, didn't want to rush her.

"Can we go? I'm so hungry," she said though leaning back in her seat.  
"Don't have to ask twice," he said and got the car in gear.

She threw a last look over at her mom in the other car and then shot the tombstone another look before she turned her focus on the man behind the wheel. _The man that would be her driver from now and to eternity_. She smiled at her own thought.

She reached out and let her hand wander up his arm. She caressed his cheek and gave him a smile when he glanced her way. She could tell he was annoyed that he had to keep his focus on the road ahead. That he would much rather look at her but she enjoyed that she could stare at him a bit in private. She poked at his neck slightly.

"So I'm going to tell you how Spanky got his nickname…"  
"Oh gawd no," he said trying to get away from her poking finger even tough he secretly liked it.  
"Spanky was a bit of a bad boy…" she said trying to keep from laughing.  
"You're going to ruin me," he said grabbing a hold of her hand.  
"Like you need help with that," she teased right back.

He dug his teeth playfully down at the back of her hand but then used his lips instead and gave her hand a kiss. He had to let her go so he could make the turn out of the graveyard. She let her hand snake around the back of his neck and let it rest there as she slumped back in her seat a little. Far in the distance she saw the mountain she'd gazed to so many times as a kid and that she vouched to herself to climb once she got older. It had felt very much like a victory the first time she'd stood on that top. Over the years it became more of a routine to climb it but it still left her with a good feeling each time she conquered it.

"Hey, where did you go?" Fin said and pulled her from her thoughts.

She shot him a smile and then cocked her head at the horizon. He looked toward the mountain.

"Would you go up there with me?" she asked but tried to prepare herself for a negative answer. She knew he wasn't as outdoorsy as her.  
"I would love to go up there with you," he said and took her a little by surprise. He could tell he did and raised an eyebrow at her.  
"What? You thought this old man can't make that climb?"

She couldn't help but let a chuckle out.

"Oh I know you can, I'm just happy you _want_ to," she said and dug her fingers in a little deeper in to his strong neck. He looked over at her with fondness in his eyes.

"I'll follow you anywhere," he said.  
"Now that's cheesy, now you have me really worrying about you," she said and tried to sound sincere.

Her face broke though when he grabbed a hold of her thigh and squeezed her so it tickled. Up ahead a car was coming at them and he grabbed a hold of the steering wheel to stay steady on the road. She moved up in her seat a little so she could lean over and put her head on his shoulder. She felt so lucky to have him. To hear him say he'd follow her anywhere felt nice even though she already knew it. From now on though she didn't think he would have to follow her. She didn't feel a need to run anywhere. To hide anywhere. She wasn't scared. Not right now anyway and she was pretty sure that if she ever became scared he would be right there to help her feel better again. Everything felt perfectly fine for once. If she could only get some food in her stomach. She turned her head slightly so she could gaze up at him. She'd thought about giving him a gibe for driving like a grandpa but looking at him she changed her mind.

"What?" he said smiling, having felt her looking at him. She shook her head.  
"Nothing," she said leaning back down against his shoulder again. She took a deep breath.  
"I'm just fine. I'm right where I want to be."

* * *

The End


End file.
